Boundaries, Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (by John Townsend, Henry Cloud, 2018) - аудиокнига на английском

Part One What Are Boundaries? Chapter 1 A Day in a Boundaryless Life 6:00 a.m. The alarm jangled. Bleary-eyed from too little sleep, Sherrie shut off the noisy intruder, turned on the bedside lamp, and sat up in bed. Looking blankly at the wall, she tried to get her bearings. Why am I dreading this day? Lord, didn’t you promise me a life of joy? Then, as the cobwebs left her mind, Sherrie remembered the reason for her dread: the four-thirty meeting with Todd’s third-grade teacher. The phone call returned to her memory: “Sherrie, this is Jean Russell. I wonder if we could meet about Todd’s performance and his … behavior.” Todd couldn’t keep still and listen to his teachers. He didn’t even listen to Sherrie and Walt. Todd was such a strong-willed child, and she didn’t want to quench his spirit. Wasn’t that more important? Well, no time to worry about all that, Sherrie said to herself, raising her thirty-five-year-old body off the bed and padding to the shower. I’ve got enough troubles to keep me busy all day. Under the shower, Sherrie’s mind moved out of first gear. She began mentally ticking off the day’s schedule. Todd, nine, and Amy, six, would have been a handful even if she wasn’t a working parent. Let’s see … fix breakfast, pack two lunches, and finish sewing Amy’s costume for the school play. That will be a trick—finishing sewing the costume before the car pool picks her up at 7:45 a.m. Sherrie thought regretfully about last night. She’d planned to work on Amy’s costume then, using her talents to make a special day for her little girl. But her mother had dropped over unexpectedly. Good manners dictated that she play hostess, and another evening was shot. The memories of her attempts to salvage the time weren’t pretty. Trying to be diplomatic, Sherrie artfully told her mother, “You can’t imagine how much I enjoy your surprise visits, Mom! But I was wondering, would you mind if I work on Amy’s costume while we talk?” Sherrie cringed inwardly, correctly anticipating her mother’s response. “Sherrie, you know I’d be the last to intrude on your time with your family.” Sherrie’s mother, widowed for twelve years, had elevated her widowhood to the status of martyrdom. “I mean, since your father died, it’s been such an empty time. I still miss our family. How could I deprive you of that for yourself?” I’ll bet I find out how, Sherrie thought to herself. “That’s why I can understand why you don’t bring Walt and the children to see me much anymore. How could I be entertaining? I’m just a lonely old lady who gave her entire life to her children. Who would want to spend any time with me?” “No, Mom, no, no, no!” Sherrie quickly joined the emotional minuet she and her mom had been dancing for decades. “That’s not what I meant at all! I mean, it’s so special having you over. Goodness knows, with our schedule, we’d like to visit more, but we just haven’t been able to. That’s why I’m so glad you took the initiative!” Lord, don’t strike me dead for this little lie, she prayed silently. “In fact, I can do the costume any old time,” Sherrie said. Forgive me for this lie, too. “Now, why don’t I make us some coffee?” Her mother sighed. “All right, if you insist. But I’d just hate to think I’m intruding.” The visit lasted well into the night. By the time her mother left, Sherrie felt absolutely crazy, but she justified it to herself. At least I’ve helped make her lonely day a little brighter. Then a pesky voice piped up. If you helped so much, why was she still talking about her loneliness when she left? Trying to ignore the thought, Sherrie went to bed. 6:45 a.m. Sherrie returned to the present. “No use crying over spilt time, I guess,” she mumbled to herself as she struggled to close the zipper of her black linen skirt. Her favorite suit had become, as many others had, too tight. Middle-age spread so soon? she thought. This week, I really have to go on a diet and start exercising. The next hour was, as usual, a disaster. The kids whined about getting out of bed, and Walt complained, “Why is it so hard to get the kids to the table on time?” 7:45 a.m. Miraculously, the kids made it to their rides, Walt left for work, and Sherrie went out and locked the front door after her. Taking a deep breath, she prayed silently, Lord, I’m not looking forward to this day. Give me something to hope for. In her car, she finished applying her makeup at traffic stops. Thank the Lord for long red lights. 8:45 a.m. Rushing into McAllister Enterprises where she worked as a human resources director, Sherrie glanced at her watch. Only a few minutes late. Maybe by now her colleagues understood that being late was a way of life for her and did not expect her to be on time. She was wrong. They’d started the weekly executive meeting without her. Sherrie tried to tiptoe in without being noticed, but every eye was on her as she struggled into her seat. Glancing around, she gave a fleeting smile and muttered something about “that crazy traffic.” 11:59 a.m. The rest of Sherrie’s morning proceeded fairly well. A gifted advocate and problem solver, Sherrie was loved by the staff she served and a valuable asset to McAllister. The only hitch came just before lunch. Her desk phone rang. “Sherrie Phillips.” “Sherrie, thank goodness you’re there! I don’t know what I’d have done if you’d been at lunch!” There was no mistaking this voice. Sherrie had known Lois Thompson since grade school. Lois was thin-skinned, perpetually anxious, and seemingly always in crisis. Sherrie tried to make herself available to Lois, to “be there for her.” But Lois never reciprocated. When Sherrie occasionally mentioned her own struggles, Lois either changed the subject back to herself or had some reason to leave. Sherrie genuinely loved Lois and was concerned about her problems, but she also resented the imbalance in their friendship. As always, Sherrie felt guilty when she thought about her anger at Lois. As a Christian, she knew the value the Bible placed on loving and helping others. There I go again, she would say to herself. Thinking of myself before others. Please, Lord, let me give to Lois freely and not be so self-centered. Sherrie asked, “What’s the matter, Lois?” “It’s horrible, just horrible,” Lois said. “Anne was sent home from school today, Tom was denied his promotion, and my car gave out on the freeway!” This is what my life’s like every day! Sherrie thought to herself, feeling the resentment rising. However, she merely said, “Lois, you poor thing! How are you coping with all of this?” Lois was happy to answer Sherrie’s question in great detail—so much detail that Sherrie missed half her lunch break consoling her friend. Well, she thought, fast food’s better than no food. Sitting at the drive-through waiting for her chicken burger, Sherrie thought about Lois. If all my listening, consoling, and advice had made any difference over the years, maybe it would be worth it. But Lois makes the same mistakes now that she made twenty years ago. Why do I do this to myself? 4:00 p.m. Sherrie’s afternoon passed uneventfully. She was on the way out of the office to the teacher’s meeting when her boss, Jeff Moreland, flagged her down. “Glad I caught up with you, Sherrie,” he said. A successful figure at McAllister Enterprises, Jeff made things happen. Trouble was, Jeff often used other people to “make things happen.” Sherrie could sense the hundredth verse of the same old song tuning up again. “Listen, I’m in a time crunch,” he said. “I just emailed you a draft of my presentation for next week’s board meeting. All it needs is a little rewriting and editing. And I need to distribute it to the executive team for a preliminary review tomorrow. But I’m sure a quick turn will be no problem for you.” He smiled ingratiatingly. Sherrie panicked. Jeff’s “editing” needs were legendary. Sherrie anticipated a minimum of five hours’ work. I gave him all the data he needed for his presentation three weeks ago! she thought furiously. Where does this man get off having me save his face for his deadline? Quickly she composed herself. “Sure, Jeff. It’s no problem at all. Glad I can help. What time do you need it?” “Nine o’clock would be fine. And … thanks, Sherrie. I always think of you first when I’m in a jam. You’re so dependable.” Jeff strolled away. Dependable … faithful … reliable, Sherrie thought. I’ve always been described this way by people who wanted something from me. Sounds like a description of a good mule. Suddenly the guilt hit again. There I am, getting resentful again. Lord, help me “bloom where I’m planted.” But secretly she found herself wishing she could be transplanted to another flowerpot. 4:30 p.m. Jean Russell was a competent teacher, one of many in the profession who understood the complex factors beneath a child’s problem behavior. The meeting with Todd’s teacher began as so many before, minus Walt. Todd’s father hadn’t been able to get off work, so the two women talked alone. “He’s not a bad child, Sherrie,” Mrs. Russell reassured her. “Todd is a bright, energetic boy. When he minds, he’s one of the most enjoyable kids in the class.” Sherrie waited for the ax to fall. Just get to the point, Jean. I have a “problem child,” don’t I? What’s new? I have a “problem life” to go with it. Sensing Sherrie’s discomfort, the teacher pressed ahead. “The problem is that Todd doesn’t respond well to limits. For example, during our task period, when children work on individual assignments, Todd has great difficulty. He gets up from his desk, pesters other kids, and won’t stop talking. When I mention to him that his behavior is inappropriate, he becomes enraged and obstinate.” Sherrie felt defensive about her only son. “Maybe Todd has an attention-deficit problem, or he’s hyperactive?” Mrs. Russell shook her head. “When Todd’s second-grade teacher wondered about that last year, psychological testing ruled that out. Todd stays on task very well when he’s interested in the subject. I’m no therapist, but it seems to me that he’s just not used to responding to rules.” Now Sherrie’s defensiveness turned from Todd to herself. “Are you saying this is some sort of home problem?” Mrs. Russell looked uncomfortable. “As I said, I’m not a counselor. I just know that in third grade, most children resist rules. But Todd is off the scale. Any time I tell him to do something he doesn’t want to do, it’s World War III. And since all his intellectual and cognitive testing comes out normal, I was just wondering how things were at home.” Sherrie no longer tried to hold back the tears. She buried her head in her hands and wept, feeling overwhelmed with everything. Eventually, her crying subsided. “I’m sorry … I guess this just hit on a bad day.” Sherrie rummaged in her purse for a tissue. “No, no, it’s more than that. Jean, I need to be honest with you. Your problems with him are the same as mine. Walt and I have a real struggle making Todd mind at home. When we’re playing or talking, Todd is the most wonderful son I could imagine. But anytime I have to discipline him, the tantrums are more than I can handle. So I guess I don’t have any solutions for you.” Jean nodded her head slowly. “It really helps me, Sherrie, to know that Todd’s behavior is a problem at home, too. At least now we can put our heads together on a solution.” 5:15 p.m. Sherrie felt strangely grateful for the afternoon rush-hour traffic. At least there’s no one tugging on me here, she thought. She used the time to plan around her next crises: kids, dinner, Jeff’s report, … and Walt. 6:30 p.m. “For the fourth and last time, dinner’s ready!” Sherrie hated to scream, but what else worked? The kids and Walt always seemed to shuffle in whenever they felt like it. More often than not, dinner was cold by the time everyone finally showed up. Sherrie had no clue what the problem was. She knew it wasn’t the food, because she was a good cook. Besides, once they got to the table, everyone inhaled it in seconds. Everyone but Amy. Watching her six-year-old daughter sit silently, picking distractedly at her food, Sherrie again felt uneasy. Amy was such a lovable, sensitive child. Why was she so reserved? Amy had never been outgoing. She preferred to spend her time reading, painting, or just sitting in her bedroom “thinking about stuff.” “Honey, what kind of stuff?” Sherrie would probe. “Just stuff,” would be the usual reply. Sherrie felt shut out of her daughter’s life. She dreamed of mother-daughter talks, conversations for “just us girls,” shopping trips. But Amy had a secret place deep inside where no one was ever invited. This unreachable part of her daughter’s heart Sherrie ached to touch. 7:00 p.m. Halfway through dinner, Sherrie’s cell phone rang. I’m just going to let it go to voice mail, she thought. There’s precious little time for us to be together as a family anymore. Then, as if on cue, another familiar thought struck her. It might be someone who needs me. As always, Sherrie listened to the second voice in her head and jumped up from the table to answer the phone. Her heart sank when she saw the name on caller ID. Well, I’m already up from the table, she reasoned. I may as well get this over with. “Hope I’m not disturbing anything,” said Phyllis Renfrow, the women’s ministries leader at church. “Certainly you aren’t disturbing anything,” Sherrie lied. “Sherrie, I’m in deep water,” Phyllis said. “Margie was going to be our activities coordinator at the retreat, and now she’s canceled. Something about ‘priorities at home.’ Anyway, you can pitch in?” The retreat. Sherrie had almost forgotten that the annual women’s retreat was this weekend. She had actually been looking forward to leaving the kids and Walt behind and strolling around the beautiful mountainous area for two days, just herself and the Lord. In fact, the possibility of solitude felt better to her than the planned group activities. Taking on Margie’s activities coordinator position would mean giving up her precious alone time. No, it wouldn’t work. Sherrie would just have to say … Automatically, the second thought pattern intervened. What a privilege to serve God and these women, Sherrie! By giving up a little portion of your life, by letting go of your selfishness, you can make a big difference in some lives. Think it over. Sherrie didn’t have to think it over. She’d learned to respond unquestioningly to this familiar voice, just as she responded to her mother’s and Phyllis’s, and maybe God’s, too. Whoever it belonged to, this voice was too strong to be ignored. Habit won out. “I’ll be happy to help,” Sherrie told Phyllis. “Just send me whatever Margie’s done, and I’ll get working on it.” Phyllis sighed, audibly relieved. “Sherrie, I know it’s a sacrifice. Myself, I have to do it several times every day. But that’s the abundant Christian life, isn’t it? Being living sacrifices.” If you say so, thought Sherrie. But she couldn’t help wondering when the “abundant” part would come in. 7:45 p.m. Dinner finally finished, Sherrie watched Walt position himself in front of the TV for the football game. Todd picked up his Xbox and headphones and disappeared into a video game, while Amy slipped away quietly to her room. The dishes stayed on the table. The family hadn’t quite gotten the hang of helping clean up yet. But maybe the kids were still a little young for that. Sherrie cleared the dishes from the table on her own. 11:30 p.m. Years ago, Sherrie could have cleaned up after dinner, gotten the kids to bed on time, and finished editing Jeff’s report with ease. A cup of coffee after dinner and the adrenaline rush that accompanied crises and deadlines galvanized Sherrie into superhuman feats of productivity. She wasn’t called “Super Sherrie” for nothing! But it was becoming noticeably harder these days. Stress didn’t work like it used to. More and more, she was having trouble concentrating, forgetting dates and deadlines, and not even caring a great deal about it all. At any rate, by sheer willpower, she had completed most of her tasks. Maybe her edits on Jeff’s report had suffered a little in quality, but she felt too resentful to feel bad. But I did say yes to Jeff, Sherrie thought. It’s not his fault; it’s mine. Why couldn’t I tell him how unfair it was for him to lay this on me? No time for that now. She had to get on with her real task for the evening: her talk with Walt. Her and Walt’s courtship and early marriage had been pleasant. They were in love and they were good partners. Where she’d been uncertain, Walt had been decisive. Where he’d been pessimistic, she’d been hopeful. When she noticed Walt’s lack of emotional connectedness, she naturally took it upon herself to try and provide the warmth and love the relationship lacked. God has put together a good team, she would tell herself. We both bring different strengths to our marriage. Walt has a lot of wisdom, and I have a lot of love. This would help her get over the lonely times when he couldn’t seem to understand her hurt feelings. But over the years, Sherrie noted a shift in the relationship. It started off subtly, then became more pronounced. She could hear it in his sarcastic tone when she had a complaint. She saw it in the lack of respect in his eyes when she tried to tell him about her need for more support from him. She felt it in his increasingly insistent demands for her to do things his way. And his temper. Maybe it was job stress, or having kids. Whatever it was, Sherrie never dreamed she’d ever hear the cutting, angry words she heard from the lips of the man she’d married. She didn’t have to cross him much at all to be subjected to the anger—clutter on the counter, a checking overdraft, or forgetting to gas up the car—any of these seemed to be enough. It all pointed to one conclusion: the marriage was no longer a team, if it ever had been one. It was a parent-child relationship, with Sherrie on the wrong end. At first she thought she was imagining things. There I go again, looking for trouble when I have a great life, she told herself. That would help for a while—until Walt’s next temper attack. Then her hurt and sadness would tell her the truth her mind wasn’t willing to accept. Finally realizing that Walt was a controlling person, Sherrie took the blame upon herself. I’d be that way, too, if I had a basket case like me to live with, she’d think. I’m the reason he gets so critical and frustrated. These conclusions led Sherrie to a solution she had practiced for years: “Loving Walt Out of His Anger.” It was strategy that went something like this: First, Sherrie learned to read Walt’s emotions by watching his temper, body language, and tone of voice. She became exquisitely aware of his moods and especially sensitive to things that could set him off: lateness, disagreements, and her own anger. As long as she was quiet and agreeable, things went well. But let her preferences raise their ugly heads and she risked getting her head lopped off. Sherrie learned to read Walt well, and quickly. After sensing that she was crossing an emotional line, she would employ Stage Two of “Loving Walt”: She did an immediate backtrack. Coming around to his viewpoint (but not really), quietly holding her tongue, or even apologizing for being “hard to live with” all helped. Stage Three of “Loving Walt” was doing special things for him to show that she was sincere. This might mean dressing more attractively or making his favorite meals. Didn’t the Bible talk about being this kind of wife? The three steps of “Loving Walt” worked for a time. But the peace never lasted. The problem with “Loving Walt Out of His Anger” was that Sherrie was dead tired of trying to soothe Walt out of his tantrums. Thus, he stayed angry longer, and his anger isolated her more from him. Her love for her husband was eroding. She had felt that no matter how bad things were, God had joined them and that their love would get them through. But in the past few years, it was more commitment than love. When she was honest, she admitted that many times she could feel nothing at all toward Walt but resentment and fear. And that’s what tonight was all about. Things needed to change. Somehow they needed to rekindle the flames of their first love. Sherrie walked into the family room. The late-night talk-show host on the television screen had just finished his monologue. “Honey, can we talk?” she asked tentatively. There was no answer. Moving closer, she saw why. Walt had fallen asleep on the couch. Thinking about waking Walt up, she remembered his stinging words the last time she’d been so “insensitive.” She turned off the television and lights and walked to the empty bedroom. 11:50 p.m. Lying in bed, Sherrie couldn’t tell which was greater, her loneliness or her exhaustion. Deciding it was the first, she picked up her Bible from the bedside table and opened it to the New Testament. Give me something to hope for, Lord. Please, she prayed silently. Her eyes fell to the words of Christ in Matthew 5:3–5: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.” But Lord, I already feel like that! Sherrie protested. I feel poor in spirit. I mourn over my life, my marriage, my children. I try to be gentle, but I just feel run over all the time. Where is your promise? Where is your hope? Where are you? Sherrie waited in the darkened room for an answer. None came. The only sound was the quiet pit-pat of tears running off her checks and onto the pages of her Bible. What’s the Problem? Sherrie tries to live her life the right way. She tries to do a good job with her marriage, her children, her job, her relationships, and her Lord. Yet it’s obvious that something isn’t right. Life isn’t working. Sherrie is in deep spiritual and emotional pain. We can probably all identify with Sherrie’s dilemma—her isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her guilt, and above all, her sense that her life is out of control. Look closely at Sherrie’s circumstances. Parts of Sherrie’s life may be remarkably similar to your own. Understanding her struggle may shed light on yours. You can immediately see a few answers that don’t work for Sherrie. First, trying harder isn’t working. Sherrie expends lots of energy trying to have a successful and meaningful life. She isn’t lazy. Second, being nice out of fear isn’t working. Sherrie’s people-pleasing efforts don’t seem to bring her the intimacy she needs. Third, taking responsibility for others isn’t working. A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like her life is a miserable failure. Sherrie’s unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and overresponsibility point to the core problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life. Back in the garden of Eden, God told Adam and Eve about ownership: “‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Gen. 1:28). Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out. It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t. We can’t do everything. Sherrie has great difficulty in knowing what things are her responsibility and what aren’t. In her desire to do the right thing, or to avoid conflict, she ends up taking on problems that God never intended her to take on: her mother’s chronic loneliness, her boss’s irresponsibility, her friend’s unending crises, her church leader’s guilt-ridden message of self-sacrifice, and her husband’s immaturity. And her problems don’t end there. Sherrie’s inability to say no has significantly affected her son’s ability to delay gratification and behave himself in school, and in some way, this inability may be driving her daughter to withdraw. Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t. As we see in Sherrie’s many struggles, the inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive. And this is one of the most serious problems facing Christians today. Many sincere, dedicated believers struggle with tremendous confusion about when it is biblically appropriate to set limits. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they raise good questions: 1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person? 2. What are legitimate boundaries? 3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? 4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? 5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? 6. How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage? 7. Aren’t boundaries selfish? Misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these issues has led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and relational struggles, find their roots in conflicts with boundaries. This book presents a biblical view of boundaries: what they are, what they protect, how they are developed, how they are injured, how to repair them, and how to use them. On the pages that follow, we’ll answer the above questions and more. Our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intends for you as his child. Sherrie’s knowledge of the Scriptures seems to support her lack of boundaries. This book aims to help you see the deeply biblical nature of boundaries as they operate in the character of God, his universe, and his people. Chapter 2 What Does a Boundary Look Like? The parents of a twenty-five-year-old man came to see me (Henry) with a common request: they wanted me to “fix” their son, Joshua. When I asked where Joshua was, they answered, “Oh, he didn’t want to come.” “Why?” I asked. “Well, he doesn’t think he has a problem,” they replied. “Maybe he’s right,” I said, to their surprise. “Tell me about it.” They recited a history of problems that had begun at a very young age. Joshua had never been “quite up to snuff” in their eyes. In recent years he had exhibited problems with drugs and an inability to stay in school and find a career. It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were heartbroken over the way he was living. They had tried everything they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but all had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility, and keeping questionable company. They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. They supported him financially at school so “he wouldn’t have to work and he would have plenty of time for study and a social life.” When he flunked out of one school, or stopped going to classes, they were more than happy to do everything they could to get him into another school, “where it might be better for him.” After they had talked for a while, I responded: “I think your son is right. He doesn’t have a problem.” You could have mistaken their expression for a snapshot; they stared at me in disbelief for a full minute. Finally the father said, “Did I hear you right? You don’t think he has a problem?” “That’s correct,” I said. “He doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken it from him. Those things should be his problem, but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems?” They looked at me like I was crazy, but some lights were beginning to go on in their heads. “What do you mean, ‘help him to have some problems’?” his mother asked. “Well,” I explained, “I think that the solution to this problem would be to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause him problems and not you.” “What do you mean, ‘boundaries’?” the father asked. “Look at it this way. It is as if he’s your neighbor, who never waters his lawn. But whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, the water falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and dying, but Joshua looks down at his green grass and thinks to himself, My yard is doing fine. That is how your son’s life is. He doesn’t study or plan or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the rights of a family member who is doing his part. “If you would define the property lines a little better, if you would fix the sprinkler system so that the water would fall on your lawn, and if he didn’t water his own lawn, he would have to live in dirt. He might not like that after a while. “As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are responsible and miserable. A little boundary clarification would do the trick. You need some fences to keep his problems out of your yard and in his, where they belong.” “Isn’t that a bit cruel, just to stop helping like that?” the father asked. “Has helping him helped?” I asked. His look told me that he was beginning to understand. Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs, walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, and hedges are all physical boundaries. In their differing appearances, they give the same message: THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property. Nonowners are not responsible for the property. Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. You can go to the county courthouse and find out exactly where those boundaries of responsibility are and whom to call if you have business there. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. The goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever-present reality that can increase your love and save your life. In reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it (Prov. 4:23). Me and Not Me Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited. Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to “guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here,” and then did not tell you the boundaries of the property. Or they did not give you the means with which to protect the property. This would be not only confusing but also potentially dangerous. This is exactly what happens to us emotionally and spiritually, however. God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.” “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Prov. 14:10). We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what that is. If we are not shown the parameters, or are taught wrong parameters, we are in for much pain. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family, or other past relationships, confuses us about our parameters. In addition to showing us what we are responsible for, boundaries help us to define what is not on our property and what we are not responsible for. We are not, for example, responsible for other people. Nowhere are we commanded to have “other-control,” although we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it! To and For We are responsible to others and for ourselves. “Carry each other’s burdens,” says Galatians 6:2, “and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” This verse shows our responsibility to one another. Many times others have “burdens” that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ. This is what Christ did for us. He did what we could not do for ourselves; he saved us. This is being responsible “to.” On the other hand, Galatians 6:5 says that “each one should carry their own load.” Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry. These things are our own particular “load” that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out. No one can do certain things for us. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own “load.” The Greek words for burden and load give us insight into the meaning of these texts. The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens,” or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down. These burdens are like boulders. They can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs. We need help with the boulders—those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives. In contrast, the Greek word for load means “cargo,” or “the burden of daily toil.” This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort. Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility. Lest we stay in pain or become irresponsible, it is very important to determine what “me” is, where my boundary of responsibility is and where someone else’s begins. We will define what we are responsible for later in this chapter. For now let’s look more closely at the nature of boundaries. Good In, Bad Out Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. They help us to guard our heart “with all diligence” (Prov. 4:23 NASB). We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside. In short, boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures (Matt. 6:19–20) so that people will not steal them. They keep the pearls inside and the pigs outside (Matt. 7:6). Sometimes we have bad on the inside and good on the outside. In these instances, we need to be able to open up our boundaries to let the good in and the bad out. In other words, our fences need gates in them. For example, if I find that I have some pain or sin within, I need to open up and communicate it to God and others, so that I can be healed. Confessing pain and sin helps to “get it out” so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside (1 John 1:9; James 5:16; Mark 7:21–23). And when the good is on the outside, we need to open our gates and “let it in.” Jesus speaks of this phenomenon in “receiving” him and his truth (Rev. 3:20; John 1:12). Other people have good things to give us, and we need to “open wide our hearts” to them (2 Cor. 6:11–13). Often we will close our boundaries to good things from others, staying in a state of deprivation. In short, boundaries are not walls. The Bible does not say that we are to be “walled off” from others; in fact, it says that we are to be “one” with them (John 17:11). We are to be in community with them. But in every community, all members have their own space and property. The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger. Often, when people are abused while growing up, they reverse the function of boundaries and keep the bad in and the good out. When Mary was growing up, she suffered abuse from her father. She was not encouraged to develop good boundaries. As a result, she would close herself off, holding the pain inside; she would not open up to express her hurt and get it out of her soul. She also would not open up to let support from the outside in to heal her. In addition, she would continually allow others to “dump” more pain into her soul. Consequently, when she came in for help, she was carrying a lot of pain, was still being abused, and was “walled off” from support from the outside. She had to reverse the ways her boundaries worked. She needed fences that were strong enough to keep the bad out and gates in those fences to let out the bad already in her soul and let in the good she desperately needed. God and Boundaries The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself. He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes. He also defines himself as separate from his creation and from us. He differentiates himself from others. He tells us who he is and who he is not. For example, he says that he is love and that he is not darkness (1 John 4:16; 1:6). In addition, he has boundaries within the Trinity. The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries. Each one has his own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection with and love for one another (John 17:24). God also limits what he will allow in his yard. He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior. He guards his house and will not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will love him, and he lets his love flow outward to them at the same time. The “gates” of his boundaries open and close appropriately. In the same way he gave us his “likeness” (Gen. 1:26), he gave us personal responsibility within limits. He wants us to “rule over” the earth and to be responsible stewards over the life he has given us. To do that, we need to develop boundaries like God’s. Examples of Boundaries Boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else, or shows where you begin and end. Here are some examples of boundaries. Skin The most basic boundary that defines you is your physical skin. People often use this boundary as a metaphor for saying that their personal boundaries have been violated: “He really gets under my skin.” Your physical self is the first way that you learn that you are separate from others. As an infant, you slowly learn that you are different from the mother or father who cuddles you. The skin boundary keeps the good in and the bad out. It protects your blood and bones, holding them on the inside and all together. It also keeps germs outside, protecting you from infection. At the same time, skin has openings that let the “good,” like food, in and the “bad,” like waste products, out. Victims of physical and sexual abuse often have a poor sense of boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not really begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do whatever they wanted. As a result, they have difficulty establishing boundaries later in life. Words In the physical world, a fence or some other kind of structure usually delineates a boundary. In the spiritual world, fences are invisible. Nevertheless, you can create good protective fences with your words. The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you. Being clear about your no—and your yes—is a theme that runs throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37; James 5:12). No is a confrontational word. The Bible says that we are to confront people we love, saying, “No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.” The word no is also important in setting limits on abuse. Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others’ sinful treatment of us (Matt. 18:15–20). The Bible also warns us against giving to others “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Cor. 9:7). People with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others. They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent. Sometimes a person is pressuring you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own sense of what you “should” do. If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of “self-control.” Your words also define your property for others as you communicate your feelings, intentions, or dislikes. It is difficult for people to know where you stand when you do not use words to define your property. God does this when he says, “I like this and I hate that.” Or “I will do this, and I will not do that.” Your words let people know where you stand and thus give them a sense of the “edges” that help identify you. “I don’t like it when you yell at me!” gives people a clear message about how you conduct relationships and lets them know the “rules” of your yard. Truth Knowing the truth about God and his property puts limits on you and shows you his boundaries. Realizing the truth of his unchangeable reality helps you to define yourself in relation to him. When he says that you will reap what you sow (Gal. 6:7), for example, you either define yourself in relation to that reality or continue to get injured if you try to go against it. To be in touch with God’s truth is to be in touch with reality, and to live in accord with that reality makes for a better life (Ps. 119:2, 45). Satan is the great distorter of reality. Recall in the garden when he tempted Eve to question God’s boundaries and his truth. The consequences were disastrous. There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing God’s truth or knowing the truth about yourself. Many people live scattered and tumultuous lives trying to live outside of their own boundaries, not accepting and expressing the truth of who they are. Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity, or oneness. Geographical Distance Proverbs 22:3 says that “the prudent see danger and take refuge.” Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries. You can do this to replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit, as Jesus often did. Or you can remove yourself to get away from danger and put limits on evil. The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior (Matt. 18:17–18; 1 Cor. 5:11–13). When a relationship is abusive, many times the only way to finally show the other person that your boundaries are real is to create space until they are ready to deal with the problem. The Bible supports the idea of limiting togetherness for the sake of “binding evil.” Time Taking time off from a person or a project can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set. Adult children who have never spiritually and emotionally separated from their parents often need time away. They have spent their whole lives embracing and keeping (Eccl. 3:5–6) and have been afraid to refrain from embracing and to throw away some of their outgrown ways of relating. They need to spend some time building boundaries against the old ways and creating new ways of relating that for a while may feel alienating to their parents. This time apart usually improves their relationship with their parents. Emotional Distance Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living. People who have been in abusive relationships need to find a safe place to begin to “thaw out” emotionally. Sometimes in abusive marriages the abused spouse needs to keep emotional distance until the abusive partner begins to face his or her problems and become trustworthy. You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back. Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing “fruit in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8). To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change. Other People You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries. People subject to another person’s addictions, control, or abuse are finding that after years and years of “loving too much,” they can find the ability to create boundaries only through a support group. Their support system is giving them the strength to say no to abuse and control for the first time in their lives. There are two reasons why you need others to help with boundaries. The first is that your most basic need in life is for relationship. People suffer much to have relationships, and many put up with abuse because they fear their partners will leave them and they will be alone if they stand up to them. Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years. They are afraid that if they set boundaries, they will not have any love in their lives. When they open themselves up to support from others, however, they find that the abusive persons are not the only source of love in the world and that they can find the strength through their support systems to set the limits they need to set. They are no longer alone. The church of Christ is there to give strength to ward off the blows against them. The other reason we need others is because we need new input and teaching. Many people have been taught by their church or their family that boundaries are unbiblical, mean, or selfish. These people need good biblical support systems to help them stand against the guilt that comes from the old “tapes” inside that tell them lies to keep them in bondage. They need supportive others to stand against the old messages and the guilt involved in change. In part 2 we will be discussing in greater detail how to build boundaries in all the primary relationships in your life. Our point for now is that boundaries are not built in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves a support network. Consequences Trespassing on other people’s property carries consequences. “No Trespassing” signs usually carry a threat of prosecution if someone steps over the boundaries. The Bible teaches this principle over and over, saying that if we walk one way, this will happen, and if we walk another way, something else will happen. Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. How many marriages could have been saved if one spouse had followed through with the threat of “if you don’t stop drinking (or coming home at midnight, or hitting me, or yelling at the kids), I will leave until you get some treatment!”? Or how many young adults’ lives would have been turned around if their parents had followed through with their threat of “no more money if you quit another job without having further employment” or “no bed if you continue to smoke marijuana in my house”? Paul is not kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that if anyone will not work, don’t let him or her eat. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness (Prov. 16:26). Consequences give some good “barbs” to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to living according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard. What’s within My Boundaries? The story of the good Samaritan is a model of correct behavior in many dimensions. It is a good illustration of boundaries—when they should be both observed and violated. Imagine for a moment how the story might read if the Samaritan was a boundaryless person. You know the story. A man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho was mugged. The robbers stripped him and beat him, leaving him half dead. A priest and Levite passed by on the other side of the road, ignoring the hurt man, but a Samaritan took pity on him, bandaged his wounds, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day the Samaritan gave the innkeeper some money and said, “Look after him, and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have” (Luke 10:35). Let’s depart from the familiar story here. Suppose the injured man wakes up at this point in the story and says: “What? You’re leaving?” “Yes, I am. I have some business in Jericho I have to attend to,” the Samaritan replies. “Don’t you think you’re being selfish? I’m in pretty bad shape here. I’m going to need someone to talk to. How is Jesus going to use you as an example? You’re not even acting like a Christian, abandoning me like this in my time of need! Whatever happened to ‘Deny yourself’?” “Why, I guess you’re right,” the Samaritan says. “That would be uncaring of me to leave you here alone. I should do more. I will postpone my trip for a few days.” So he stays with the man for three days, talking to him and making sure that he is happy and content. On the afternoon of the third day, there’s a knock at the door and a messenger comes in. He hands the Samaritan a message from his business contacts in Jericho: “Waited as long as we could. Have decided to sell camels to another party. Our next herd will be here in six months.” “How could you do this to me?” the Samaritan screams at the recovering man, waving the message in the air. “Look what you’ve done now! You’ve caused me to lose those camels that I needed for my business. Now I can’t deliver my goods. This may put me out of business! How could you do this to me?” At some level this story may be familiar to all of us. We may be moved with compassion to give to someone in need, but then this person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life. Or we may want more from someone else, and we pressure them until they give in. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead. To avoid these scenarios, we need to look at what falls within our boundaries, what we are responsible for. Feelings Feelings have gotten a bad rap in the Christian world. They have been called everything from unimportant to fleshly. At the same time, example after example shows how our feelings play an enormous role in our motivation and behavior. How many times have you seen people do ungodly things to one another because of hurt feelings? Or how many times has someone had to be hospitalized for depression after years and years of trying to ignore the way they felt until they became suicidal? Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge. The Bible says to “own” your feelings and be aware of them. They can often motivate you to do much good. The good Samaritan’s pity moved him to go to the injured Israelite (Luke 10:33). The father was filled with compassion for his lost son and threw his arms around him (Luke 15:20). Many times Jesus “had compassion” for the people to whom he ministered (Matt. 9:36; 15:32). Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships. They can tell you if things are going well or if there is a problem. If you feel close and loving, things are probably going well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to. Attitudes and Beliefs Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others, God, life, work, and relationships. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. Often we do not see an attitude, or belief, as the source of discomfort in our life. We blame other people as did our first parents, Adam and Eve. We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them. The tough thing about attitudes is that we learn them very early in life. They play a big part in the map of who we are and how we operate. People who have never questioned their attitudes and beliefs can fall prey to the dynamic that Jesus referred to when he described people holding on to “human traditions,” instead of the commands of God (Mark 7:8; Matt. 15:3). People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24). Behaviors Behaviors have consequences. As Paul says, “A man reaps what he sows” (Gal. 6:7). If we study, we will reap good grades. If we go to work, we will get a paycheck. If we exercise, we will be in better health. If we act lovingly toward others, we will have closer relationships. On the negative side, if we sow idleness, irresponsibility, or out-of-control behavior, we can expect to reap poverty, failure, and the effects of loose living. These are natural consequences of our behavior. The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another’s life. A person’s drinking or abuse should have consequences for the drinker or the abuser. “Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path” (Prov. 15:10). To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless. This happens a lot with parents and children. Parents often yell and nag instead of allowing their children to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. Parenting with love and limits, with warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a sense of control over their lives. Choices We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the fruit of “self-control” (Gal. 5:23). A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else. Think for a moment of how often we use the phrases “I had to” or “She (he) made me” when explaining why we did or did not do something. These phrases betray our basic illusion that we are not active agents in many of our dealings. We think someone else is in control, thus relieving us of our basic responsibility. We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel. Doing so keeps us from making choices to give “reluctantly or under compulsion,” as 2 Corinthians 9:7 says. Paul would not even accept a gift that he felt was given because the giver felt he “had to” give it. He once sent back a gift so “that any favor you do would not seem forced but would be voluntary” (Philem. 1:14). Joshua said the same thing to the people in his famous “choice” verse: “But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Josh. 24:15, emphasis added). The landowner in Jesus’ parable of the workers in the vineyard said a similar thing to the worker who was angry about the wage for which he had agreed to work: “I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?” (Matt. 20:13). The man had made a free choice to work for a certain amount and was angry because someone who had worked fewer hours had gotten the same wage. Another example is the prodigal son’s brother, who had chosen to stay home and serve and then was resentful. Not satisfied with his choice, he needed to be reminded that he made a choice to stay home. Throughout the Scriptures, people are reminded of their choices and asked to take responsibility for them. Like Paul says, if we choose to live by the Spirit, we will live; if we choose to follow our sinful nature, we will die (Rom. 8:13). Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been so trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. Values What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Often we do not take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in valuing the approval of other human beings rather than the approval of God (John 12:43); because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life. We think that power, riches, and pleasure will satisfy our deepest longing, which is really for love. When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused by loving the wrong things or valuing things that have no lasting value, when we confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can receive help from God and his people to “create a new heart” within us. Boundaries help us not to deny but to own our old hurtful values so God can change them. Limits Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. This is the component that we most often hear about when we talk about boundaries. In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right. Our model is God. He does not really “set limits” on people to “make them” behave. God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, “You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house.” Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome. But God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15–17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love. The other aspect of limits that is helpful when talking about boundaries is setting our own internal limits. We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire without acting it out. We need self-control without repression. We need to be able to say no to ourselves. This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time. Internal structure is a very important component of boundaries and identity, as well as ownership, responsibility, and self-control. Resources and Gifts Contrast these two responses from the master who entrusted a portion of his wealth to three servants: “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” “You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest. “So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has the ten bags.” (Matt. 25:23, 26–28) No other passage better illustrates God-ordained responsibility for ownership and stewardship of our resources. Although the example is of money, it also applies to internal talents and gifts. Our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking ownership of them is often frightening and always risky. This parable says that we are accountable—not to mention much happier—when we are exercising our gifts and being productive. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, and grace to overcome the fear of failure that the “wicked and lazy” servant gave in to. He was not chastised for being afraid; we are all afraid when trying something new and difficult. He was chastised for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could. Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning. Thoughts Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of God. No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. We are the only creatures who are called to love God with all our mind (Mark 12:30). And Paul wrote that he was taking “captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things. 1. We must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them. They swallow others’ opinions and reasonings, never questioning and “thinking about their thinking.” Certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them, but we should never “give our minds” over to anyone. We are to weigh things for ourselves in the context of relationship, “sharpening” each other as iron, but remaining separate thinkers. 2. We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. One area in which we need to grow is in knowledge of God and his Word. David said of knowing God’s Word, “My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times… . Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors” (Ps. 119:20, 24). We also learn much about God by studying his creation and his work. In learning about his world, we obey the commandment to “rule over” the earth and all that is within it. We must learn about the world that he has given us to become wise stewards. Whether we are doing brain surgery, balancing our checkbook, or raising children, we are to use our brains to have better lives and glorify God. 3. We must clarify distorted thinking. We all have a tendency not to see things clearly, to think and perceive in distorted ways. Probably the easiest distortions to notice are in personal relationships. We rarely see people as they really are; our perceptions are distorted by past relationships and our own preconceptions of who we think they are, even the people we know best. We do not see clearly because of the “logs” in our eyes (Matt. 7:3–5 NLT). Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong. As we assimilate new information, our thinking adapts and grows closer to reality. Also we need to make sure that we are communicating our thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustration. Even Paul says, “For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them?” (1 Cor. 2:11). What a great statement about boundaries! We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them. Desires Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different desires and wants, dreams and wishes, goals and plans, hungers and thirsts. We all want to satisfy “me.” But why are there so few satisfied “me’s” around? Part of the problem lies in the lack of structured boundaries within our personality. We can’t define who the real “me” is and what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing. They are lusts that come out of not owning our real desires. For example, many sex addicts are looking for sexual experiences, but what they really desire is love and affection. James writes about this problem of not owning and seeking our real desires with pure motives: “You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (James 4:2–3). We often do not actively seek our desires from God, and those desires are mixed up with things that we do not really need. God is truly interested in our desires; he made them. Consider the following: “You have granted him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips. You came to greet him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head” (Ps. 21:2–3). “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4). “He fulfills the desires of those who fear him” (Ps. 145:19). God loves to give gifts to his children, but he is a wise parent. He wants to make sure his gifts are right for us. To know what to ask for, we have to be in touch with who we really are and our real motives. If we are wanting something to feed our pride or to enhance our ego, it’s doubtful that God is interested in giving it to us. But if it would be good for us, he’s very interested. We are also commanded to play an active role in seeking our desires (Phil. 2:12–13; Eccl. 11:9; Matt. 7:7–11). We need to own our desires and pursue them to find fulfillment in life. “The desire accomplished is sweet to the soul” (Prov. 13:19 KJV), but it sure is a lot of work! Love Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that God has fashioned in his image is the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are crucial to life. Many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear. Having closed their heart to others, they feel empty and meaningless. The Bible is clear about both functions of the heart: the receiving of grace and love inward and the flow outward. Listen to how the Bible tells how we should love: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind… . Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:37, 39). And how we should receive love: “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also” (2 Cor. 6:11–13). Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood. And like its physical counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised; if it is injured, it will slow down or weaken. We need to take responsibility for this loving function of ourselves and use it. Both love concealed and love rejected can kill us. Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. They have a lot of love around them but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. Often they will say, “Others’ love cannot ‘get in.’” This statement negates their responsibility to respond. We maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area. It will open up life to us. We need to take responsibility for all of the above areas of our souls. These lie within our boundaries. But taking care of what lies within our boundaries isn’t easy; neither is allowing other people to take care of what lies within their boundaries. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work. But as you’ll see in the next chapter, boundary problems take some very recognizable shapes. Chapter 3 Boundary Problems Following a day-long seminar that we were leading on boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, “I understand that I have boundary problems. But my estranged husband is the one who had an affair and took all our money. Doesn’t he have a problem with boundaries?” It’s easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who has the boundary problem; however, people who don’t respect others’ limits also have boundary problems. The woman above may have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her husband hasn’t respected her limits. In this chapter, we’ll categorize the main types of boundary problems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your thoughts. You’ll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those who “can’t say no.” Compliants: Saying Yes to the Bad “May I tell you something embarrassing?” Robert asked me (John). A new client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much difficulty refusing his wife’s constant demands. He was going broke trying to keep up with the Joneses. “I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children. There was a strange double standard in my house involving physical fighting.” Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. “My sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They’d take advantage of their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean, they really hurt me. “The strangest part of it all was my parents’ attitude. They’d tell us, ‘Robert is the boy. Boys don’t hit girls. It’s bad manners.’ Bad manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad manners?” Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing, but he’d said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his conflicts with his wife. When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipulative, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations. To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like these: • “No.” • “I disagree.” • “I will not.” • “I choose not to.” • “Stop that.” • “It hurts.” • “It’s wrong.” • “That’s bad.” • “I don’t like it when you touch me there.” Blocking a child’s ability to say no handicaps that child for life. Adults with handicaps like Robert’s have this first boundary injury: they say yes to bad things. This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment. The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts (Prov. 4:23). This type of boundary problem paralyzes people’s “no” muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons: • Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings • Fear of abandonment and separateness • A wish to be totally dependent on another • Fear of someone else’s anger • Fear of punishment • Fear of being shamed • Fear of being seen as bad or selfish • Fear of being unspiritual • Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. As Paul says, “Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled” (1 Cor. 8:7). Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate boundaries. When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a saying yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt. Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires “compassion, and not sacrifice” (NASB). In other words, God wants us to be compliant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the outside and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid. Avoidants: Saying No to the Good The living room suddenly became very quiet. The Bible study group that had been meeting at the Craigs’ house for six months had suddenly become more intimate. Tonight the five couples began to share real struggles in their lives, not just the usual “please pray for Aunt Sarah” requests. Tears were shed, and genuine support, not just well-meaning advice, was offered. Everyone, except the hostess, Rachel Henderson, had taken a turn talking. Rachel had been the driving force behind the formation of the Bible study. She and her husband, Joe, had developed the format, invited the other couples, and opened up their home to the study. Caught up in her leadership role, however, Rachel never opened up about her struggles. She shied away from such opportunities, preferring instead to help draw out others. Tonight the others waited. Rachel cleared her throat. Looking around the room, she finally spoke, “After hearing all the other problems in the room, I think the Lord is speaking to me. He seems to be saying that my issues are nothing compared to what you all deal with. It would be selfish to take up time with the little struggles I face. So … who’d like dessert?” No one spoke. But disappointment was evident on each face. Rachel had again avoided an opportunity for others to love her as they’d been loved by her. This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others. Why is avoidance a boundary problem? At the heart of the struggle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed to be able to “breathe,” to be like fences with a gate that can let the good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them. God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones. God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close him off: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me” (Rev. 3:20). God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust. It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentance. Yet, for avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost impossible. The impermeable boundaries of avoidants cause a rigidity toward their God-given needs. They experience their problems and legitimate wants as something bad, destructive, or shameful. Some people, like Marti, are both compliants and avoidants. In a recent session, Marti laughed ruefully at herself. “I’m beginning to see a pattern here. When someone needs four hours with me, I can’t say no. When I need someone for ten minutes, I can’t ask for it. Isn’t there a microchip in my head that I can replace?” Marti’s dilemma is shared by many adults. She says yes to the bad (compliant) and says no to the good (avoidant). Individuals who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, but they are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others. They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to replace the lost energy. Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called “reversed boundaries.” They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn’t have them. Controllers: Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries “What do you mean, you’re quitting? You can’t leave now!” Steve looked across his desk at his administrative assistant. Frank had been working for Steve for several years and was finally fed up. He had given his all to the position, but Steve didn’t know when to back off. Time after time, Steve would insist on Frank’s spending unpaid time at the office on important projects. Frank had even switched his vacation schedule twice at Steve’s insistence. But the final straw was when Steve began calling and texting Frank at home. An occasional after-hours text Frank could understand. But now it was happening almost every day, primarily during dinnertime. His family ended up eating without him while Frank stepped away for twenty-minute calls or texting sessions with his boss. Several times Frank had tried to talk with Steve about the time violations. But Steve never really understood why it was a problem or how burned out Frank was. After all, he needed Frank. Frank made him look successful. And it was so easy to get him to work harder. Steve has a problem hearing and accepting others boundaries. To Steve, “no” is simply a challenge to change the other person’s mind. This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others. Controllers believe the old jokes about training top salespeople: “no” means maybe, and “maybe” means yes. While this may be productive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc in a relationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and aggressive. The primary problem of individuals who can’t hear no—which is different from not being able to say no—is that they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone. Remember the “boulder and knapsack” illustration in chapter 2? Controllers look for someone to carry their knapsacks (individual responsibilities) in addition to their boulders (crises and crushing burdens). Had Steve shouldered the weight of his own job, Frank would have been happy to pitch in extra hours from time to time. But the pressure of covering for Steve’s irresponsibility made a talented professional look elsewhere for work. Controllers come in two types: 1. Aggressive controllers. These people clearly don’t listen to others’ boundaries. They run over other people’s fences like a tank. They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive. But most of the time they simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries. It’s as if they live in a world of yes. There’s no place for someone else’s no. They attempt to get others to change, to make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their own responsibility to accept others as they are. Peter is an example of an aggressive controller. Jesus was telling the disciples about his upcoming suffering, death, and resurrection. Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him. But Jesus rebuked Peter, saying, “Get behind me, Satan! You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns” (Mark 8:33). Peter didn’t want to accept the Lord’s boundaries. Jesus immediately confronted Peter’s violation of his boundaries. 2. Manipulative controllers. Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages. Remember how Tom Sawyer tricked his playmates into whitewashing the fence for him? He made it seem like such a privilege that kids were lined up to paint! Isaac’s son Jacob finagled his twin brother Esau into giving up his birthright (Gen. 25:29–34) and, with his mother’s help, deceived his father into bestowing Esau’s blessing on him (Gen. 27:1–29). In fact, Jacob’s name means “deceiver.” Numerous times he used his cleverness to avoid others’ boundaries. The event that helped Jacob work out of his manipulative boundarylessness was his confrontation with God in human form (Gen. 32:24–32). God “wrestled” with him all night long and then changed his name to Israel. The word Israel means “he who fights with God.” God left Jacob with a dislocated thigh. And Jacob changed. He became less deceitful and more honest. His aggressiveness was clearer, as evidenced by his new name. He was owning his feistiness. Only when the manipulative controller is confronted with his dishonesty can he take responsibility for it, repent of it, and accept his and others’ limits. Manipulators deny their desires to control others; they brush aside their own self-centeredness. They are like the adulterous woman in Proverbs: “She eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’” (30:20). Believe it or not, compliants and avoidants can also be controllers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive. When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example, they may do a favor for a friend. They hope that by being loving, they’ll receive love. So then they wait, anticipating the return of the favor. And sometimes they wait for years. Especially if they performed the favor for someone who can’t read minds. What’s wrong with this picture? It’s not a picture of love. The love that God talks about doesn’t seek a return on its investment: “It is not self-seeking” (1 Cor. 13:5). Caring for someone so that they’ll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling someone else. If you’ve ever been on the “receiving” end of that kind of maneuver, you’ll understand. One minute you’ve taken the compliment, or favor—the next minute you’ve hurt someone’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached. Boundary Injuries At this point, you might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. How can controllers be called ‘injured’? They are the injurers, not the injured!” Indeed, controllers do lots of damage to others, but they also have boundary problems. Let’s see what goes on underneath. Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to curb their impulses or desires. While it appears that they “get what they want in life,” they are still slaves to their appetites. Delaying gratification is difficult for them. That’s why they hate the word no from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundaries of others to help them observe their own. Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility for owning their lives. Having relied on bullying or indirectness, they can’t function on their own in the world. The only remedy is to let controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility. Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, guilt, or dependency. If they’re honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). We can’t terrorize or make others feel guilty and be loved by them at the same time. Nonresponsives: Not Hearing the Needs of Others Brenda’s hand trembled as she talked. “Usually I’ve got pretty thick skin with Mike. But I guess the past couple of weeks of kid problems and work stresses had me feeling very vulnerable. This time his response didn’t make me angry. It just hurt. And it hurt bad.” Brenda was recounting a recent marital struggle. Overall, she thought her marriage to Mike was a good one. He was a good provider, an active Christian, and a competent father. Yet the relationship allowed no room for her hurts or needs. The incident Brenda was discussing began in a fairly benign manner. She and Mike were talking in the bedroom after putting the kids to bed. Brenda began to unburden her fears about child rearing and her feelings of inadequacy at work. Without warning, Mike turned to her and said, “If you don’t like the way you feel, change your feelings. Life’s tough. So just … just handle it, Brenda.” Brenda was devastated. She felt she should have expected the rebuff. It wasn’t that easy to express her neediness in the first place, especially with Mike’s coldness. Now she felt as if he had chopped her feelings to bits. He seemed to have no understanding whatsoever of her struggles—and didn’t want to. How could this be a boundary problem? Isn’t it just basic insensitivity? Partially. But it’s not quite that simple. Remember that boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn’t take on the responsibility of others’ feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do have certain responsibilities to each other. Mike does have a responsibility to connect with Brenda, not only as a provider and as a parenting partner but also as a loving husband. Connecting emotionally with Brenda is part of loving her as himself (Eph. 5:28, 33). He isn’t responsible for her emotional well-being. But he is responsible to her. His inability to respond to her needs is a neglect of his responsibility. Termed “nonresponsives” because of their lack of attention to the responsibilities of love, these individuals exhibit the opposite of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27 (NRSV): “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it” (that last phrase, “in your power,” has to do with our resources and availability). Another key Scripture here is “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18 NRSV). Again, note the condition: “so far as it depends on you.” We can’t bring peace to someone who doesn’t accept it! Both of the above verses indicate the same idea: we are responsible to care about and help, within certain limits, others whom God places in our lives. To refuse to do so when we have the appropriate resources can be a boundary conflict. Nonresponsives fall into one of two groups: 1. Those with a critical spirit toward others’ needs (a projection of our own hatred of our needs onto others, a problem Jesus addressed in Matthew 7:1–5). They hate being incomplete in themselves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others. 2. Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others (a form of narcissism). Don’t confuse this self-absorption with a God-given sense of taking responsibility for one’s own needs first so that one is able to love others: “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too” (Phil. 2:4 NLT). God wants us to take care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a crisis ourselves. Controllers and Nonresponsives Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them. They gravitate toward someone with blurry boundaries who will naturally take on too many responsibilities in the relationship and who won’t complain about it. It’s like the old joke about relationships: What happens when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive person? Answer: they get married! Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than a controlling nonresponsive? And controlling nonresponsives search for someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who better than a compliant avoidant? Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems. It will help you see at a glance the kinds of problems with which you may struggle. Summary of Boundary Problems Can’t Say Can’t SayCan’t Hear NoThe Compliant: Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can’t set boundariesThe Controller: Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others YesThe Nonresponsive: Sets boundaries against responsibility to loveThe Avoidant: Sets boundaries against receiving care of others Functional and Relational Boundary Issues A final boundary problem involves the distinction between functional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries refers to a person’s ability to complete a task, project, or job. It has to do with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning. Relational boundaries refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom we are in relationship. Another way of looking at it is that functional boundaries refer to our “Martha” parts, and relational, our “Mary” parts (Luke 10:38–42). Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus. Martha prepared dinner while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet. When Martha complained about Mary’s not helping her, Jesus said: “Mary has chosen what is better” (v. 42). He didn’t mean that Martha’s busyness was bad; it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time. Many people have good functional boundaries but poor relational ones; that is, they can perform tasks at quite high levels of competence, but they may not be able to tell a friend that they don’t like their chronic lateness. The reverse can also be true. Some people can be absolutely honest with others about their complaints and dislikes but be unable to get up for work in the morning! We’ve taken a look at the different categories of boundaries. But how do you develop boundaries? Why do some people seem to have natural boundaries and others have no boundaries at all? As with many things, it has a lot to do with the family in which you grew up. Chapter 4 How Boundaries Are Developed Jim had never been able to say no to anyone, especially to his supervisors at work. He’d moved up to the position of operations manager in a large firm. His dependability had earned him the reputation of “Mr. Can Do.” But his kids had another name for him: “The Phantom.” Jim was never home. Being “Mr. Can Do” meant late nights at the office. It meant business dinners several nights a week. It meant weekends on the road, even after he’d promised the kids fishing trips and outings to the zoo. Jim didn’t like being absent so much, but he had justified it to himself, saying, This is my contribution to the kids, my way of giving them the good life. His wife, Becca, had rationalized the “dadless dinners” by telling the children (and herself), “This is Dad’s way of telling us he loves us.” And she almost believed it. Finally, however, Becca had had enough. One night she sat Jim down on the couch in the family room and said, “I feel like a single parent, Jim. I missed you for a while, but now all I feel is nothing.” Jim avoided her eyes. “Honey, I know, I know,” he replied. “I’d really like to say no to people more, but it’s just so hard to—” “I found someone you can say no to,” Becca broke in. “Me and the kids!” That did it. Something broke deep within Jim. A sense of pain, of guilt and shame, of helplessness and rage. The words tumbled out of his mouth. “Do you think I like being like this, always giving in to others? Do you think I enjoy letting my family down?” Jim paused, struggling for composure. “All my life it’s been this way, Becca. I’ve always feared letting people down. I hate this part of me. I hate my life. How did I get like this?” How did Jim “get like this”? He loved his family. The last thing he wanted was to neglect his most precious relationships: his wife and children. Jim’s problems didn’t start the day he was married. They developed during his early significant relationships. They were already a part of his character structure. How do boundary abilities develop? That’s the purpose of this chapter. We hope you’ll be able to gain some understanding of where your own boundaries started crumbling or became set in concrete—and how to repair them. As you read this section, remember David’s prayer to God about his life and development: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23–24) God’s desire is for you to know where your injuries and deficits are, whether self-induced or other-induced. Ask him to shed light on the significant relationships and forces that have contributed to your own boundary struggles. The past is your ally in repairing your present and ensuring a better future. Boundary Development Remember the old saying, “Insanity is genetic. You inherit it from your kids”? Well, boundaries aren’t inherited. They are built. To be the truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving people God wants us to be, we need to learn limits from childhood on. Boundary development is an ongoing process, yet its most crucial stages are in our very early years, when our character is formed. The Scriptures advise parents to “start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6). Many parents misunderstand this passage. They think “the way they should go” means “the way we, the parents, think our kids should go.” Can you see the boundary conflicts already beginning? The verse actually means “the way God has planned for them to go.” In other words, good parenting isn’t emotionally bludgeoning the child into some clone or ideal of the perfect child. It’s being a partner in helping young ones discover what God intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal. The Bible teaches that we pass through life in stages. John writes to “little children,” “young men,” and “fathers.” Each group has distinct tasks to perform (1 John 2:12–13 KJV). Boundaries also develop in specific, distinct phases that you can perceive. In fact, by noting infants and children in their early parental interactions, child development professionals have been able to record the specific phases of boundary development. Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building Wendy couldn’t understand it. Something wasn’t jelling. All those codependency books she’d read. All those online assertiveness tutorials she’d watched. All that self-talk she’d rehearsed about being more confrontive. And yet every time she talked to her mother on the phone, all the advice, all the self-help techniques melted away into vague, cloudy memories. A typical conversation about Wendy’s children would always conclude with her mom’s analysis of Wendy’s imperfect parenting style. “I’ve been a mother longer than you,” Mom would say. “Just do it my way.” Wendy resented her advice. It wasn’t that she wasn’t open to guidance—Lord knows she could use it. It was just that her mom thought her way was the only way. Wendy wanted a new relationship with her mom. She wanted to be honest about her mom’s control, her polite put-downs, and her inflexibility. Wendy wanted an adult-to-adult friendship with her mom. But the words wouldn’t pass her lips. She’d write out what she wanted to say, explaining her feelings. She’d rehearse before telephoning. Yet, when the time came, she panicked and remained silent. She well knew how to be compliant, appreciative, and childlike with her mom. It was only later, when she became angry, that she knew she’d been taken to task again. She was beginning to give up hope that things would ever change. Wendy’s struggle illustrates a basic need that we all have in boundary building. No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can’t develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others. Don’t even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what. Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional “home.” The very nature of God is to be in relationship: “God is love,” says 1 John 4:16. Love means relationship—the caring, committed connection of one individual to another. Like God, our most central need is to be connected. When God said that even in his perfect new universe, it wasn’t “good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18), he wasn’t talking about marriage. He was talking about relationship—other people outside ourselves to bond with, trust, and go to for support. We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul’s existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options: 1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship. This was Wendy’s fear. She was afraid her mother would reject her and she would be isolated and alone. She still needed Mom’s connection to feel secure. 2. We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. By not setting limits on her mom, Wendy was a prisoner to her mom’s wishes. So the first developmental task of infants is to bond with their mom and dad. They need to learn that they are welcome and safe in the world. To bond with baby, Mom and Dad need to provide a consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional environment for him or her. During this stage, Mom’s job is to woo the child into entering a relationship with the world—via attachment with her. (Most often this is Mom’s job, but Dad or a caregiver can do this as well.) Bonding takes place when the mother responds to the needs of the child, the needs for closeness, for being held, for food, and for changing. As baby experiences needs and the mother’s positive response to those needs, he or she begins to internalize, or take in, an emotional picture of a loving, constant mother. Babies, at this stage, have no sense of self apart from Mother. They think, Mommy and me are the same. It’s sometimes called symbiosis, a sort of “swimming in closeness” with Mother. This symbiotic union is the reason babies panic when Mother isn’t around. No one can comfort them but their mother. The emotional picture developed by infants forms from thousands of experiences in the first few months of life. The ultimate goal of Mother’s “being there” is a state called emotional object constancy. Object constancy refers to the child’s having an internal sense of belonging and safety, even away from the presence of the mother. All those experiences of constant loving pay off in a child’s inner sense of security. It has been built in. Object constancy is referred to in the Bible as “being rooted and established in love” (Eph. 3:17) and as having been “rooted and built up in [Christ]” (Col. 2:7). It illustrates the principle that God’s plan for us is to be loved enough by him and others, not to feel isolated—even when we’re alone. Bonding is the prelude. As children learn to feel safe and at home with their primary relationships, they are building good foundations to withstand the separateness and conflict that comes with boundary development. Separation and Individuation: The Construction of a Soul “It’s like a switch was thrown,” said Jen to the friends who made up her church mom’s group. The mom’s group provided activities and a place to talk for mothers of infants and toddlers. “On her first birthday—to the very day—my Hillary became the most difficult child I’d ever seen. This is the same baby who, the day before, had eaten her spinach like it was her last meal. The next day, though, it all ended up on the floor!” Jen’s exasperation was met with approving nods and smiles. The mothers all agreed—their babies had seemed to switch personalities around the same time. Gone were the agreeable, lovable infants. In their places were cranky, demanding toddlers. What had happened? Any competent pediatrician or child therapist will attest to a shift that begins during the first year of life and continues until about three years. A shift which, though sometimes disruptive and chaotic, is completely normal. And part of God’s plan for the child. As infants gain a sense of internal safety and attachment, a second need arises. The baby’s need for autonomy, or independence, starts to emerge. Child experts call this separation and individuation. “Separation” refers to the child’s need to perceive himself or herself as distinct from Mother, a “not-me” experience. “Individuation” describes the identity the child develops while separating from Mother. It’s a “me” experience. You can’t have “me” until you first have a “not-me.” It’s like trying to build a house on a plot of land filled with trees and wild brush. You must first cut away some space, then begin building your home. You must first determine who you aren’t before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity. The only recorded instance of Jesus’ boyhood describes this principle. Remember when Jesus’ mother and father left Jerusalem without him? When they went back and found him teaching in the temple, his mother admonished him. Jesus’ words to his mother were, “Why were you searching for me? Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49). Translation: “I have values, thoughts, and opinions that are different from yours, Mother.” Jesus knew who he was not, as well as who he was. The separation-individuation process isn’t a smooth transition into a person. Three phases are critical to developing healthy boundaries in childhood: hatching, practicing, and rapprochement. Hatching: “Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same” “It’s not fair,” a mother of a five-month-old boy told me. “We had four months of bliss and closeness. I loved Eric’s helplessness, his dependency. He needed me, and I was enough for him. “All of a sudden it changed. He got—I don’t know how to say it—more restless, wigglier. He didn’t always want me to hold him. He became more interested in other people, even in brightly colored toys, than me! “I’m beginning to get the picture,” the woman concluded. “He needed me for four months. Now motherhood is spending the next seventeen and a half years letting him leave me!” In many ways, this mother got the picture. The first five to ten months of life mark a major shift in infants: from “Mommy and me are the same” to “Mommy and me aren’t the same.” During this period, babies begin moving out of their passive union with Mother into an active interest in the outside world. They become aware that there’s a big, exciting world out there—and they want a piece of the action! This period is called “hatching” or “differentiation” by child researchers. It’s a time of exploration, of touching, tasting, and feeling new things. Though children in this phase are still dependent on Mother, they aren’t wrapped up in closeness with her. The months of nurturing have paid off—the child feels safe enough to start taking risks. Watch crawlers in full tilt. They don’t want to miss out. This is a geographical boundary in motion—away from Mother. Look into the eyes of a baby in the “hatching” phase. You can see Adam’s wide-eyed wonder at the flora, fauna, and majesty of the earth created for him by the Lord. You can see the desire to discover, the drive to learn hinted at in Job 11:7: “Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?” No, we can’t. But we are created to discover, to experience the creation and to know the Creator. This is a difficult period for new mothers. As the mom in the beginning of this section described, it can be a letdown. It’s especially hard for women who have never really “hatched” themselves. They long for nothing but closeness, neediness, and dependency from their baby. These women often conceive lots of children, or find ways to spend time with very young infants. They often don’t enjoy the “separating” part of mothering. They don’t like the distance between themselves and baby. It’s a painful boundary for Mother, but a necessary one for the child. Practicing: “I Can Do Anything!” “But what’s wrong with wanting to have fun? Life wasn’t meant to be boring,” protested Derek. In his late forties, Derek was single and dressed like a college student. His face had that tanned, unlined look that appears unnatural on a middle-aged man. Something was out of place. Derek was talking to a friend about the profile he’d just completed on a dating site and how he didn’t want to date women in his own age range. “They’re just not my speed,” he said. “I’m high energy. I like late nights and doing crazy stuff just for fun. Keeps me young, you know?” Derek’s style describes someone still stuck in the second stage of separation-individuation: practicing. During this period, which usually lasts from age ten months to eighteen months (and then returns later), babies learn to walk and begin to use words. The difference between hatching and practicing is radical. While the hatching baby is overwhelmed by this new world and still leans a great deal on Mother, the practicing child is trying to leave her behind! The newfound ability to walk opens up a sense of omnipotence. Toddlers feel exhilaration and energy. And they want to try everything, including walking down steep stairs, putting forks into electric sockets, and chasing cats’ tails. People like Derek who are stuck in this stage can be lots of fun. Except when you pop their bubble about their unrealistic grandiosity and their irresponsibility. Then you become a “wet blanket.” It’s revealing to talk to the “wet blanket” who is married to a practicing child. No job is more tiring. Proverbs 7:7 describes the youth stuck in the practicing stage: “I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who had no sense.” This young man has energy but no impulse control, no boundaries on his passions. He becomes sexually promiscuous, which often happens to adults who are caught in this phase. And he ends up dead: “till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life” (Prov. 7:23). Practicers feel that they’ll never be caught. But life does catch up with them. What practicing infants (the ones for whom omnipotence is appropriate!) need most from parents is a responsive delight in their delight, exhilaration at their exhilaration, and some safe limits to practice. Good parents have fun with toddlers who jump on the bed. Poor parents either quench their children’s desire by not allowing any jumping, or they set no limits and allow them to jump all over Mom and Dad’s orange juice and coffee. (Derek’s parents were the second type.) In the practicing phase, children learn that aggressiveness and taking initiative are good. Parents who firmly and consistently set realistic boundaries with children in this period, but without spoiling their enthusiasm, help them through the transition. Have you ever seen the posters depicting “baby’s first steps”? Some of these portray a wrong notion. They present the child taking hesitant steps toward a waiting mother, arms outstretched. The truth is different. Most mothers report, “I watched my baby’s first steps from behind!” The practicing toddler moves from safety and warmth to excitement and discovery. Physical and geographical boundaries help the child learn action without danger. The practicing phase provides the child with the energy and drive to make the final step toward becoming an individual, but energetic exhilaration can’t last forever. Cars can’t always run at full speed. Sprinters can’t keep up the pace for miles. And practicing children must give way to the next phase, rapprochement. Rapprochement: “I Can’t Do Everything” Rapprochement, which occurs from around eighteen months to three years, comes from a French word meaning “a restoration of harmonious relations.” In other words, the child comes back to reality. The grandiosity of the past few months slowly gives way to the realization that “I can’t do everything I want.” Children become anxious and aware that the world is a scary place. They realize that they still need Mother. The rapprochement phase is a return to connection with Mother, but this time it’s different. This time the child brings a more separate self into the relationship. There are two people now, with differing thoughts and feelings. And the child is ready to relate to the outside world without losing a sense of self. Typically, this is a difficult period for both children and parents. Rapprochement toddlers are obnoxious, oppositional, temperamental, and downright angry. They can remind you of someone with a chronic toothache. Let’s look at some of the tools toddlers use to build boundaries in this stage. Anger. Anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose: to tell us that there’s a problem that needs to be confronted. Anger is a way for children to know that their experience is different from someone else’s. The ability to use anger to distinguish between self and others is a boundary. Children who can appropriately express anger are children who will understand, later in life, when someone is trying to control or hurt them. Ownership. Sometimes misunderstood as simply a “selfish” stage, rapprochement introduces words to the youngster’s vocabulary such as, mine, my, and me. Suzy doesn’t want anyone else to hold her doll. Billy doesn’t want to share his trucks with a visiting toddler. This important part of becoming a self is often quite difficult for Christian parents to understand. “Well, that old sinful nature is rearing its ugly head in my little girl,” the parents will remark while their friends nod sagely. “We’re trying to help her share and love others, but she’s caught up in that selfishness we all have.” This is neither accurate nor biblical. The child’s newfound fondness for “mine” does have roots in our innate self-centeredness—part of the sinful depravity in all of us that wants to, as did Satan, “make myself like the Most High” (Isa. 14:14). However, this simplistic understanding of our character doesn’t take into consideration the full picture of what being in the image of God truly is. Being created in God’s image also means having ownership, or stewardship. As Adam and Eve were given dominion over the earth to subdue and rule it, we are also given stewardship over our time, energy, talents, values, feelings, behavior, money, and all the other things mentioned in chapter 2. Without a “mine,” we have no sense of responsibility to develop, nurture, and protect these resources. Without a “mine,” we have no self to give to God and his kingdom. Children desperately need to know that mine, my, and me aren’t swear words. With correct biblical parenting, they will learn sacrifice and develop a giving, loving heart, but not until they have a personality that has been loved enough to give love away: “We love because [God] first loved us” (1 John 4:19). No: The One-Word Boundary. Toddlers going through rapprochement frequently use one of the most important words in the human language: the word no. While it can emerge during hatching, no is perfected during rapprochement. It’s the first verbal boundary children learn. The word no helps children separate from what they don’t like. It gives them the power to make choices. It protects them. Learning to deal with a child’s no is crucial to that child’s development. One couple who didn’t attend to their child’s refusal to eat certain foods found out later that she was allergic to one of them! Often children at this age become “no” addicts. They will not only refuse vegetables and nap time but also turn away from Popsicles and favorite toys! It’s worth it for them to have the no. It keeps them from feeling completely helpless and powerless. Parents have two tasks associated with no. First, they need to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encouraging his or her own boundaries. Though they certainly can’t make all the choices they’d like, young children should be able to have a no that is listened to. Informed parents won’t be insulted or enraged by their child’s resistance. They will help the child feel that his no is just as lovable as his yes. They won’t withdraw emotionally from the child who says no, but will stay connected. One parent must often support another who is being worn down by their baby’s no. This process takes work! One couple was faced with an aunt whose feelings were hurt by their daughter’s refusal to kiss and hug her upon every visit. Sometimes the child wanted to be close; sometimes she wanted to stand back and watch. The couple responded to the aunt’s complaint by saying, “We don’t want Casey to feel that her affection is something she owes people. We’d like her to be in charge of her life.” These parents wanted their daughter’s yes to be yes and her no to be no (Matt. 5:37). They wanted her to be able to say no, so that in the future she would have the ability to say no to evil. The second task facing parents of children in rapprochement is that of helping the child respect others’ boundaries. Children need to be able not only to give a no but also take a no. Parents need to be able to set and keep age-appropriate boundaries with children. It means not giving in to temper tantrums at the toy shop, though it would be less humiliating to quiet the child by purchasing half of the store. It means time-outs, appropriate confrontations, and spanking when necessary. “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (Prov. 19:18). In other words, help children learn to take limits before it’s too late. Boundary construction is most evident in three-year-olds. By this time they should have mastered the following tasks: 1. The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart. 2. The ability to say appropriate nos to others without fear of loss of love. 3. The ability to take appropriate nos from others without withdrawing emotionally. Noting these tasks, a friend said half-joking, “They need to learn this by age three? How about by forty-three?” Yes, these are tall orders. But boundary development is essential in the early years of life. Two additional periods of life focus on boundaries. The first is adolescence. The adolescent years are a reenactment of the first years of life. They involve more mature issues, such as sexuality, gender identity, competition, and adult identity. But the same issues of knowing when to say yes and no and to whom are central during this confusing time. The second period is young adulthood, the time when children leave home or college and start a career or get married. Young adults suffer a loss of structure during this period. There are no class bells, no schedules imposed by others, and a great deal of very scary freedom and responsibility, as well as the demands of intimacy and commitment. This can often become an intense time of learning more about setting good boundaries. The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life. A successful first three years of life will mean a smoother (but not smooth!) adolescence and a better transition into adulthood. A problematic childhood can be helped greatly by lots of hard work in the family during adolescence. But serious boundary problems during both these periods can be devastating during the adult years. “It helps to know the way it should have been for me,” said one woman who attended a talk on child development. “But what would really help is to know what went wrong for me.” Let’s look next at where our boundary development goes wrong. Boundary Injuries: What Goes Wrong? Boundary problems are rooted in thousands of encounters with others, as well as in our own nature and personality. The most important boundary conflicts, however, occur in the crucial first few years of life. They may happen in any or all of the three phases of separation-individuation: hatching, practicing, or rapprochement. Generally, the earlier and more severe the injury, the deeper the boundary problem. Withdrawal from Boundaries “I don’t know why it happens, but it happens,” mused Ingrid over coffee with her friend Amanda. “Every time I disagree with my mother, even on little things, I feel this terrible sense that she’s not there anymore. It’s like she’s hurt and withdrawn, and I can’t get her back. It’s really a horrible feeling to think you’ve lost someone you love.” Let’s be honest. None of us enjoys being told no. It’s difficult to accept another person’s refusal to give support, to be intimate, or to forgive. Yet good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). Not only good relationships but also mature characters are built on appropriate nos. Developing children need to know their boundaries will be honored. It is crucial that their disagreements, their practicing, their experimentation not result in a withdrawal of love. Please don’t misunderstand this. Parental limits are crucial. Children need to know behavioral lines that should not be crossed. They need to suffer biblical, age-appropriate consequences for acting out. (In fact, when parents do not set and maintain good boundaries with their children, the children suffer another type of boundary injury, which we will discuss shortly.) What we’re talking about here isn’t allowing the child free rein. Parents need to stay attached and connected to their children even when they disagree with them. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get angry. It means they shouldn’t withdraw. How often do we hear the statement that “God loves the sinner but hates the sin”? It’s true. His love is constant and “never fails” (1 Cor. 13:8). When parents detach from a misbehaving young child instead of staying connected and dealing with the problem, God’s constant love is misrepresented. When parents pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You’re lovable when you behave. You aren’t lovable when you don’t behave. The child translates that message something like this: When I’m good, I am loved. When I’m bad, I am cut off. Put yourself in the child’s place. What would you do? It’s not a difficult decision. God created people with a need for attachment and relationship. Parents who pull away from their child are, in essence, practicing spiritual and emotional blackmail. The child can either pretend not to disagree and keep the relationship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most important relationship in the world. He will most likely keep quiet. Children whose parents withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves. Parents who tell their children, “It hurts us when you’re angry” make the child responsible for the emotional health of the parent. In effect, the child has just been made the parent of the parent—sometimes at two or three years old. It’s far, far better to say, “I know you’re angry, but you still can’t have that toy,” and then take your hurt feelings to a spouse, friend, or the Lord. By nature, children are omnipotent. They live in a world where the sun shines because they were good and it rains because they were naughty. Children will give up this omnipotence gradually over time, as they learn that needs and events besides theirs are important. But during the early years, this omnipotence plays right into boundary injury. When children feel parents withdrawing, they readily believe that they are responsible for Mom and Dad’s feelings. That’s what omnipotent means: “I am powerful enough to make Mom and Dad pull away. I’d better watch it.” A parent’s emotional withdrawal can be subtle: A hurt tone of voice. Long silences for no reason. Or it can be overt: Crying spells. Illness. Yelling. Children of parents like these grow up to be adults who are terrified that setting boundaries will cause severe isolation and abandonment. Hostility against Boundaries “Do I understand why I can’t say no?” Larry chuckled. “Why don’t you ask me a hard one? I grew up in the military. Dad’s word was law. And disagreeing was always rebellion. I contradicted him once when I was nine. All I remember is waking up on the other side of the room with a whopping headache. And lots of hurt feelings.” The second boundary injury, easier to spot than the first, is a parent’s hostility against boundaries. The parent becomes angry at the child’s attempts at separating from him or her. Hostility can emerge in the form of angry words, physical punishment, or inappropriate consequences. Some parents will say to the child, “You’ll do what I say.” This is fair enough. God meant for parents to be in charge of children. But then they’ll say, “And you’ll like doing it.” This makes a child crazy, because it’s a denial of the separate soul of the child. To “make the child like it” is to pressure the child into becoming a “people pleaser,” not a “God pleaser” (see Gal. 1:10). Some parents criticize the boundaries of their children: “If you disagree with me, I’ll …” “You’ll do it my way or else.” “Don’t question your mother.” “You need an attitude adjustment.” “You’ve got no reason to feel bad.” Children need to be under the authority and control of their parents, but when parents punish their child for his growing independence, he will usually retreat into hurt and resentment. This hostility is a poor counterfeit of God’s program of learning discipline. Discipline is the art of teaching children self-control by using consequences. Irresponsible actions should cause discomfort that motivates us to become more responsible. The “my way or else” approach teaches children to pretend to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The “you have a choice” approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions. Instead of saying, “You’ll make your bed or you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a choice: Make your bed, and I’ll let you play Xbox; don’t make your bed, and you lose your Xbox privileges for the rest of the day.” The child decides how much pain he is willing to endure to be disobedient. God’s discipline teaches, not punishes: “God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Heb. 12:10–11). When parents greet their children’s disagreement, disobedience, or practicing with simple hostility, the children are denied the benefit of being trained. They don’t learn that delaying gratification and being responsible have benefits. They only learn how to avoid someone’s wrath. Ever wonder why some Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read about his love? The results of this hostility are difficult to see because these children quickly learn how to hide under a compliant smile. When these children grow up, they suffer depression, anxiety, relationship conflicts, and substance-abuse problems. For the first time in their lives, many boundary-injured individuals realize they have a problem. Hostility can create problems in both saying and hearing no. Some children become pliably enmeshed with others. But some react outwardly and become controlling people—just like the hostile parent. The Bible addresses two distinct reactions to hostility in parents: Fathers are told not to “embitter [their] children, or they will become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Some children respond to harshness with compliance and depression. At the same time, fathers are told not to “exasperate [their] children” (Eph. 6:4). Other children react to hostility with rage. Many grow up to be just like the hostile parent who hurt them. Overcontrol Overcontrol occurs when otherwise loving parents try to protect their children from making mistakes by having too-strict rules and limits. For example, they may keep their children from playing with other kids to protect them from being hurt or learning bad habits. They may be so concerned about their children catching a cold that they make them wear rain boots on cloudy days. The problem with overcontrol is this: while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes. Remember that we learn maturity “by constant use” (Heb. 5:14). Overcontrolled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have problems taking risks and being creative. Lack of Limits Eileen sighed. Her husband, Bruce, was in his twice-a-week mode of throwing fits whenever she “dropped the ball.” This time he was yelling about having to reschedule their night out with the Billingses. Eileen had forgotten to call a babysitter for the kids until four that afternoon. She couldn’t understand why Bruce got so wound up about such little things. Maybe he just needed some time off. That was it! Eileen brightened up. We need a vacation! She forgot that they’d had one a month ago. Eileen had very loving but very indulgent parents. They couldn’t stand to make her do anything or to discipline her with time-outs, consequences, or spankings. Her folks thought that lots of love and lots of forgiveness would help her be the adult she needed to be. So whenever Eileen didn’t pick up after herself, her mother would cover for her. When she wrecked the family car three times, her dad got her her own car. And when she overdrew her checking account, her parents quietly put more money in it. After all, isn’t love patient? they’d reason. Eileen’s parents’ lack of limits on her hurt her character development. Though she was a loving wife, mother, and worker, others were constantly frustrated at her undisciplined, careless way of living. It cost others a lot to be in relationship with her. Yet she was so lovable that most of her friends didn’t want to hurt her feelings by confronting her. So the problem remained unsolved. Lack of parental boundaries is the opposite of hostility. Again, biblical discipline would have provided the necessary structure to help Eileen develop her character. Sometimes a lack of parental limits, coupled with a lack of connection, can produce an aggressively controlling person. We all know the experience of going into a supermarket and observing a four-year-old in total control of a mother. The mother begs, pleads, and threatens her son to stop having his tantrum. Then, at her wits’ end, she gives him the candy bar he’s been screaming for. “But that’s the last one,” she says, struggling for some control. But by then control is an illusion. Now imagine that four-year-old as a forty-year-old man. The scenario has changed, but the script is the same. When he is crossed, or when someone sets a limit with him, the same tantrum erupts. And by then he’s had thirty-six more years of having the world cater to him. His recovery program will need to be very strong and consistent to help him. Sometimes recovery comes in the form of hospitalization, sometimes in divorce, sometimes in jail, and sometimes in disease. But no one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher. Obviously, we’re describing the person who has a difficult time hearing others’ boundaries and/or needs. These people have been as injured by a lack of boundaries as others are by too-rigid boundaries. Inconsistent Limits Sometimes, due to their confusion about rearing children or their own injuries, some parents combine strict and lax limits, sending conflicting messages to children. The children don’t know what the rules of family and life are. Alcoholic families often exhibit inconsistent limits. A parent may be loving and kind one day, unreasonably harsh the next. This is particularly true because of the behavior changes brought on by drinking. Alcoholism causes massive boundary confusion in the child. Adult children of alcoholics never feel safe in relationships. They’re always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up constantly. Setting limits is traumatic for adult children of alcoholics. Saying no might bring respect, or it might bring rage. They feel like the double-minded person described in James 1:6: “like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” They are uncertain about what they are and aren’t responsible for. Trauma Up until now, we’ve dealt with characteristics of family relating. Withdrawal, hostility, and setting inappropriate limits are ways parents act toward their children. Over time these become ingrained in the soul of the child. In addition, specific traumas can injure boundary development. A trauma is an intensely painful emotional experience rather than a character pattern. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are traumatic. Accidents and debilitating illnesses are traumatic. Severe losses such as the death of a parent, divorce, or extreme financial hardship are also traumatic. A good way to look at the difference between character-relating patterns, such as withdrawal and hostility, and trauma, is to look at how a tree in a forest can be hurt. It can be fed inappropriately, through bad ingredients in the soil, or it can be given too much or too little sun or water. That’s an illustration of character-pattern problems. Trauma is like lightning hitting the tree. A trauma can affect boundary development because it shakes up two necessary foundations to children’s growth: 1. The world is reasonably safe. 2. They have control over their lives. Children who undergo trauma feel these foundations shaken up. They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in any danger that approaches them. Jerry had been physically abused by both of his parents for years. He had left home early, joined the Marines, and had several failed relationships and bad marriages. In therapy as an adult in his late thirties, he began realizing why, under his tough exterior he always longed for controlling women. He’d fall madly in love with the fact that they could “handle” him. Then a pattern of compliance to the woman would emerge, with Jerry always on the losing end. One day in session, Jerry remembered his mother striking him across the face for some small infraction. He vividly recalled his vain attempts to protect himself, pleading, “Please, Mom—I’m sorry. I’ll do anything you say. Please, Mom.” When he promised unquestioning obedience, the hitting would stop. That memory tied in with his lack of power and self-control with his wives and girlfriends. Their anger always terrified him, and he would instantly comply. Jerry’s boundary development was seriously injured by his mother’s abuse. The heart of God seems to beat especially close to the victim of trauma: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted” (Isa. 61:1). God desires the wounds of the traumatized to be bound up by loving people. Victims of trauma in the family are almost always recipients of poor or sinful character-relating patterns. Withdrawal from our boundaries and hostility toward our boundaries are the ground from which trauma springs. Our Own Character Traits Have you ever heard someone described as being that way “from the womb”? Perhaps you were always active and confrontive, always exploring new horizons. Or maybe you liked to be quiet and reflective “since forever.” We contribute to our boundary issues by our own individual character styles. For example, some people with a constitutionally greater amount of aggression deal with boundary problems more confrontationally. And some with less aggression shy away from boundaries. Our Own Sinfulness We also contribute to our own boundary development problems by our own depravity. Depravity is what we inherited from Adam and Eve. It is our resistance to being creatures under God, our resistance to humility. It’s a refusal to accept our position and a lust for being omnipotent and “in charge,” not needing anyone and not accountable to anyone. Our depravity enslaves us to the law of sin and death, from which only Christ can save us (Rom. 8:2). By now you should be gaining a clearer picture of what goes into boundary problems and boundary development. It’s time now to look at what the Bible says about how boundaries should operate in our lives, and how they can be developed—all through our lives. Chapter 5 Ten Laws of Boundaries Imagine for a moment that you live on another planet operating under different principles. Suppose your planet has no gravity and no need for a medium of exchange such as money. You get your energy and fuel from osmosis instead of eating and drinking. Suddenly, without warning, you find yourself transported to Earth. When you awake from your trip, you step out of your hovering spacecraft and fall abruptly to the ground. “Ouch!” you say, not knowing exactly why you fell. After regaining your composure, you decide to travel around a bit but are unable to fly because of this new phenomenon called gravity. So you start walking. After a while, you notice that, strangely, you feel hungry and thirsty. You wonder why. Where you come from, the galactic system rejuvenates your body automatically. Luckily, you run across an earthling who diagnoses your problem and tells you that you need food. Better yet, he recommends a place where you can eat, called Jack’s Diner. You follow his directions, go into the restaurant, and manage to order some of this Earth food that contains all the nutrients you need. You immediately feel better. But then the man who gave you the food wants “fifteen dollars” for what he gave you. You have no idea what he’s talking about. After quite an argument, some men in uniforms come and take you away and put you in a small room with bars. What in the world is going on? you wonder. You didn’t mean anyone harm, yet you are in “jail,” whatever that is. You can no longer move about as you want, and you resent it. You only tried to be about your own business, and now you have a sore leg, fatigue from your long walk, and a stomachache from eating too much. Nice place, this Earth. Does this sound farfetched? People raised in dysfunctional families, or families where God’s ways of boundaries are not practiced, have experiences similar to that of the alien. They find themselves transported into adult life where spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their relationships and well-being. They hurt, are hungry, and may end up in jail, but they never know the principles that could have helped them operate in accord with reality instead of against it. So, they are prisoners of their own ignorance. God’s world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule. We need to know the principles God has woven into life and operate according to them. Below are ten laws of boundaries that you can learn to begin to experience life differently. Law 1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. The Bible calls it the Law of Sowing and Reaping. “You reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit” (Gal. 6:7–8 NRSV). When God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he’s telling us how things really are. If you smoke cigarettes, you most likely will develop a smoker’s hack, and you may even get lung cancer. If you overspend, you most likely will get calls from creditors, and you may even go hungry because you have no money for food. On the other hand, if you eat right and exercise regularly, you may suffer fewer health problems. If you budget wisely, you will have money for the bills and for the grocery store. Sometimes, however, people don’t reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. If every time you overspent, your mother sent you money to cover check overdrafts or high credit card balances, you wouldn’t reap the consequences of your spendthrift ways. Your mother would be protecting you from the natural consequences: the hounding of creditors or going hungry. As the mother in the above example demonstrates, the Law of Sowing and Reaping can be interrupted. And it is often people who have no boundaries who do the interrupting. Just as we can interfere with the law of gravity by catching a glass tumbling off the table, people can interfere with the Law of Cause and Effect by stepping in and rescuing irresponsible people. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior. The Law of Sowing and Reaping has not been repealed. It is still operating. But the doer is not suffering the consequences; someone else is. Today we call a person who continually rescues another person a codependent. In effect, codependent, boundaryless people “cosign the note” of life for the irresponsible people in their lives. Then they end up paying the bills—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and the spendthrifts continue out of control with no consequences. They continue to be loved, pampered, and treated nicely. Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one’s life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing also to do the reaping. It doesn’t help just to confront the irresponsible person. A client will often say, “But I do confront Jack. I have tried many times to let him know what I think about his behavior and that he needs to change.” In reality, the client is only nagging Jack. Jack will not feel the need to change because his behavior is not causing him any pain. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are. If Jack is wise, confrontation might change his behavior. But people caught in destructive patterns are usually not wise. They need to suffer consequences before they change their behavior. The Bible tells us it is worthless to confront foolish people: “Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you” (Prov. 9:8). Codependent people bring insults and pain on themselves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in someone’s life. Law 2: The Law of Responsibility Many times when people hear a talk on boundaries and taking responsibility for their own lives, they say, “That’s so self-centered. We should love one another and deny ourselves.” Or they actually become selfish and self-centered. Or they feel “guilty” when they do someone a favor. These are unbiblical views of responsibility. The Law of Responsibility includes loving others. The commandment to love is the entire law for Christians (Gal. 5:13–14). Jesus calls it “my” commandment: “Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12). Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart. Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Phil. 2:12–13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself. An additional theme in the Bible says that we are to treat others the way we would want to be treated. If we were down and out, helpless and without hope, we would certainly want help and provision. This is a very important side of being responsible “to.” Another aspect of being responsible “to” is not only in the giving but in the setting of limits on another’s destructive and irresponsible behavior. It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern (Prov. 19:19). It is the same principle spoken of in child rearing; it is hurtful not to have limits with others. It leads them to destruction (Prov. 23:13). A strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to give to needs and put limits on sin. Boundaries help you do just that. Law 3: The Law of Power As the Twelve Steps movement has grown within the church, Christians in therapy and recovery voice a common confusion. Am I powerless over my behavior? If I am, how can I become responsible? What do I have the power to do? The Twelve Steps and the Bible teach that people must admit that they are moral failures. Alcoholics admit that they are powerless over alcohol; they don’t have the fruit of self-control. They are powerless over their addiction, much like Paul was: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… . For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing… . I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me” (Rom. 7:15, 19, 23). This is powerlessness. John says that we are all in that state, and that anyone who denies it is lying (1 John 1:8). Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome these patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of victory later: 1. You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. In the Bible this is called “confession.” To confess means to “agree with.” You have the ability to at least say “that is me.” You may not be able to change it yet, but you can confess. 2. You have the power to submit your inability to God. You always have the power to ask for help and yield. You have the power to humble yourself and turn your life over to him. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you can call the Doctor! The humbling of yourself commanded in the Bible is always coupled with great promises. If you do what you are able—confess, believe, and ask for help—God will do what you are unable to do—bring about change (1 John 1:9; James 4:7–10; Matt. 5:3, 6). 3. You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries. 4. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. This does not mean that you’ll be perfect; it means that you can see your sinful parts as aspects that you want to change. 5. You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. Many of your problematic parts come from being empty inside, and you need to seek God and others to have those needs met. 6. You have the power to seek out those whom you have injured and make amends. You need to do this in order to be responsible for yourself and your sin, and be responsible to those you have injured. Matthew 5:23–24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” On the other side of the coin, your boundaries help define what you do not have power over: everything outside of them! Listen to the way the serenity prayer (probably the best boundary prayer ever written) says it: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. In other words, God, clarify my boundaries! You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God to change you. You cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy—and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible. What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work. Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy, and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have. One more thing. You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not. Law 4: The Law of Respect One word comes up again and again when people describe their problems with boundaries: they. “But they won’t accept me if I say no.” “But they will get angry if I set limits.” “But they won’t speak to me for a week if I tell them how I really feel.” We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. Sometimes the problem is that we judge others’ boundaries. We say or think things such as this: “How could he refuse to come by and pick me up? It’s right on his way! He could find some ‘time alone’ some other time.” “That’s so selfish of her not to come to the gathering. After all, the rest of us are sacrificing our time.” “What do you mean, ‘no’? I just need the money for a little while.” “It seems that, after all I do for you, you could at least do me this one little favor.” We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they “ought” to give, and usually that means “they ought to give to me the way I want them to!” But the Bible says whenever we judge, we will be judged (Matt. 7:1–2). When we judge others’ boundaries, ours will fall under the same judgment. If we condemn others’ boundaries, we expect them to condemn ours. This sets up a fear cycle inside that makes us afraid to set the boundaries that we need to set. As a result, we comply, then we resent, and the “love” that we have “given” goes sour. This is where the Law of Respect comes in. As Jesus said, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matt. 7:12). We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours. If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. If we are walking in the Spirit, we give people the freedom to make their own choices. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Cor. 3:17). If we are going to judge at all, it needs to be by the “perfect law that gives freedom” (James 1:25). Our real concern with others should not be “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” but “Are they really making a free choice?” When we accept others’ freedom, we don’t get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others’ freedom, we feel better about our own. Law 5: The Law of Motivation Stan was confused. He read in the Bible and was taught in church that it was more blessed to give than to receive, but he found that this often was not true. He frequently felt unappreciated for “all he was doing.” He wished people would have more consideration for his time and energy. Yet, whenever someone wanted something from him, he would do it. He thought this was loving, and he wanted to be a loving person. Finally, when the fatigue grew into depression, he came to see me (Henry). When I asked what was wrong, Stan replied that he was “loving too much.” “How can you ‘love too much’?” I asked. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.” “Oh, it’s very simple,” replied Stan. “I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed.” “I’m not quite sure what you are doing,” I said, “but it certainly isn’t love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it’s probably not love.” “I don’t see how you can say that. I do so much for everyone. I give and give and give. How can you say that I’m not loving?” “I can say that because of the fruit of your actions. You should be feeling happy, not depressed. Why don’t you tell me some of the things you do for people?” As we spent more time together, Stan learned that a lot of his “doing” and sacrificing was not motivated by love but by fear. Stan had learned early in life that if he did not do what his mother wanted, she would withdraw love from him. As a result, Stan learned to give reluctantly. His motive for giving was not love, but fear of losing love. Stan was also afraid of other people’s anger. Because his father frequently yelled at him when he was a boy, he learned to fear angry confrontations. This fear kept him from saying no to others. Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no. Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries: 1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abandoned. 2. Fear of others’ anger. Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them. 3. Fear of loneliness. Some people give in to others because they feel that that will “win” love and end their loneliness. 4. Fear of losing the “good me” inside. We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. Many people cannot say, “I love you and I do not want to do that.” Such a statement does not make sense to them. They think that to love means to always say yes. 5. Guilt. Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness. 6. Payback. Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, “I never had it as good as you.” “You should be ashamed at all you get.” They feel a burden to pay for all they have been given. 7. Approval. Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be “well pleased.” 8. Overidentification with the other’s loss. Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a no, they “feel” the other person’s sadness to the nth degree. They can’t stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply. The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others. To give bountifully has great reward. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the Law of Motivation. The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to. Law 6: The Law of Evaluation “But if I told him I wanted to do that, wouldn’t he be hurt?” Jason asked. When Jason told me (Henry) he wished to assume responsibility for tasks his business partner was performing poorly, I encouraged him to talk to his partner. “Sure he might be hurt,” I said, in response to his question. “So, what’s your problem?” “Well, I wouldn’t want to hurt him,” Jason said, looking at me as though I should have known that. “I’m sure you would not want to hurt him,” I said. “But what does that have to do with the decision you have to make?” “Well, I couldn’t just make a decision without taking his feelings into account. That’s cruel.” “I agree with you. That would be cruel. But when are you going to tell him?” “You just said that to tell him would hurt him and that would be cruel,” Jason said, perplexed. “No, I didn’t,” I replied. “I said to tell him without considering his feelings would be cruel. That is very different from not doing what you need to do.” “I don’t see any difference. It would still hurt him.” “But it would not harm him, and that’s the big difference. If anything, the hurt would help him.” “Now I’m really confused. How can it possibly help to hurt him?” “Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?” I asked. “Sure.” “Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?” “Yes.” “Did he harm you?” “No, he made me feel better.” “Hurt and harm are different,” I pointed out. “When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?” “No, it tasted good,” he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on. “Did it harm you?” “Yes.” “That’s my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact, they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us.” You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries—in this instance, Jason’s saying no to his partner—is to live a purposeful life. Jesus refers to it as the “narrow gate.” It is always easier to go through the “broad gate of destruction” and continue not to set boundaries where we need to. But the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love. We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it. Take Sandy, for example. Sandy chose to go skiing with friends instead of going home for Christmas vacation. Her mother was sad and disappointed, but she was not harmed. Sandy’s decision caused sadness, but her mother’s sadness should not cause Sandy to change her mind. A loving response to her mother’s hurt would be, “Oh, Mom, I’m sad that we won’t be together too. I’m looking forward to next summer’s visit.” If Sandy’s mother respected her freedom to make choices, she would say something like this: “I’m so disappointed that you’re not coming home for Christmas, but I hope you all have a great time.” She would be owning her disappointment and respecting Sandy’s choice to spend her time with friends. We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. “Speak truthfully to your neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body” (Eph. 4.25). As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run, it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help. We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light. Law 7: The Law of Proactivity For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Paul says that wrath and sinful passions are a direct reaction to the severity of the law (Rom. 4:15; 5:20; 7:5). In Ephesians and Colossians he says that wrath and disillusionment can be reactions to parental injustice (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21). Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. We blame it on the counselor they are seeing or the company they have been keeping. In reality, they had been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and sexual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation. We should herald their emancipation. But when is enough enough? Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the establishment of boundaries. It is crucial for the two-year-old to throw the peas at Mommy, but to continue that until forty-three is too much. It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming “victims’ rights” for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a “victim mentality.” Emotionally, the reactive stance brings diminishing returns. You must react to find your own boundaries, but having found them, you must not “use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature… . But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another” (Gal. 5:13, 15 NLT). Eventually, you must rejoin the human race you have reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself. This is the beginning of the establishment of proactive instead of reactive boundaries. This is where you are able to use the freedom you gained through reacting to love, enjoy, and serve one another. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against, and what they will not do. While reactive victims are primarily known by their “against” stances, proactive people do not demand rights; they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve; it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to “love others as themselves.” They have mutual respect. They are able to “die to self” and not “return evil for evil.” They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react. Listen to Jesus compare the reactive person who is still controlled by the law and others with the free person: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also” (Matt. 5:38–39). Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness. You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul. But do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than “finding yourself.” A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary but not sufficient. Law 8: The Law of Envy The New Testament speaks strongly against the envious heart. Consider James: “You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight” (James 4:2). What does envy have to do with boundaries? Envy is probably the basest emotion we have. A direct result of the fall, it was Satan’s sin. The Bible says that he had a wish to be “like the Most High” (Isa. 14:14) He envied God. In turn, he tempted Adam and Eve with the same idea, telling them that they could be like God also. Satan and our parents, Adam and Eve, were not satisfied with who they were and could rightfully become. They wanted what they did not have, and it destroyed them. Envy defines “good” as “what I do not possess,” and hates the good that it has. How many times have you heard someone subtly put down the accomplishments of others, somehow robbing them of the goodness they had attained? We all have envious parts to our personalities. But what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied. This is not to say that it is wrong to want things we do not have. God has said that he will give us the desires of our heart. The problem with envy is that it focuses outside our boundaries, onto others. If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsibilities and will ultimately have an empty heart. Look at the difference in Galatians 6:4: “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out. “You have not because you ask not.” And the Bible supports “because you work not.” Possessions and accomplishments are not the only things we envy. We can envy a person’s character and personality instead of developing the gifts God has given us (Rom. 12:6). Think of these situations: A lonely man stays isolated and envious of the close relationships others have. A single woman withdraws from social life, envying the marriages and families of her friends. A middle-aged woman feels stuck in her career and wants to pursue something she would enjoy, yet she always has a “yes, but …” reason why she can’t, resenting and envying those who have “gone for it.” A man chooses the righteous life but envies and resents those who seem to be “having all the fun.” These people are all negating their own actions and comparing themselves to others (Gal. 6:4), staying stuck and resentful. Notice the difference between those statements and these: A lonely man owns his lack of relationships and asks himself and God, I wonder why I always withdraw from people. I can at least go and talk to a counselor about this. Even if I am afraid of social situations, I could seek some help. No one should live this way. I’ll make the call. The single woman asks, I wonder why I never get asked out and why I keep getting turned down for dates. What is wrong about what I am doing or how I’m communicating or where I’m going to meet people? How could I become a more interesting person? Maybe I could join a therapy group to find out why or could use a dating site to find people with interests similar to mine. The middle-aged woman asks herself, Why am I reluctant to pursue my interests? Why do I feel selfish when I want to quit my job to do something I enjoy? What am I afraid of? If I were really honest, I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I am willing to do. The righteous man asks himself, If I am really “choosing” to love and serve God, why do I feel like a slave? What is wrong with my spiritual life? What is it about me that envies someone living in the gutter? These people are questioning themselves instead of envying others. Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there or to give up the desire. Law 9: The Law of Activity Human beings are responders and initiators. Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative—the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. We respond to invitations and push ourselves into life. The best boundaries are formed when a child is pushing against the world naturally and the outside world sets its limits on the child. In this way, the aggressive child learns limits without losing his or her spirit. Our spiritual and emotional well-being depends on our having this spirit. Consider the contrast in the parable of the servants who were responsible for investing their master’s gold (Matt. 25:14–30). The ones who succeeded were active and assertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost out was passive and inactive. The sad thing is that many people who are passive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life. We know that God is not mean to people who are afraid; the Scripture is full of examples of his compassion. But he will not enable passivity. The “wicked and lazy” servant was passive. He did not try. God’s grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We need to do our part. The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. God expresses his opinion toward passivity in Hebrews 10:38–39: “‘But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.’ But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” Passive “shrinking back” is intolerable to God, and when we understand how destructive it is to the soul, we can see why God does not tolerate it. God wants us to “preserve our souls.” That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our soul. I have been told that when a baby bird is ready to hatch, if you break the egg for the bird, it will die. The bird must peck its own way out of the egg into the world. This aggressive “workout” strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die. This is also the way God has made us. If he “hatches” us, does our work for us, invades our boundaries, we will die. We must not shrink back passively. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matt. 7:7–8). Law 10: The Law of Exposure A boundary is a property line. It defines where you begin and end. We have been discussing why you need such a line. One reason stands above all the others: You do not exist in a vacuum. You exist in relation to God and others. Your boundaries define you in relation to others. The whole concept of boundaries has to do with the fact that we exist in relationship. Therefore, boundaries are really about relationship, and finally about love. That’s why the Law of Exposure is so important. The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known, and so on. These are all failures in love, and God’s plan is that we learn how to love. These relational problems can only be solved in relationships, for that is the context of the problems themselves, and the context of spiritual existence. Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us. Often we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul. In other situations, a partner will secretly comply with her spouse, not offering her feelings or opinions for twenty years, and then suddenly “express” her boundaries by filing for divorce. Or parents will “love” their children by giving in over and over for years, not setting limits, and resenting the love they are showing. The children grow up never feeling loved because of the lack of honesty, and their parents are befuddled, thinking, After all we’ve done. In these instances, because of unexpressed boundaries, the relationships suffered. An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them. In the same way that the alien suffered from not knowing the laws of Earth, we suffer when we do not communicate the reality of our boundaries. If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation. The Bible speaks to this issue in many places. Listen to the words of Paul: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:25–26). The biblical mandate is be honest and be in the light. Listen further, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: ‘Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’” (Eph. 5:13–14). The Bible continually speaks of our being in the light and of the light as the only place where we have access to God and others. But because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness, where the devil has an opportunity. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become “visible,” in Paul’s words, and then they become light. They are transformed and changed. Healing always takes place in the light. David speaks of it in this way: “You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom” (Ps. 51:6 NASB). God wants real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate. Our boundaries are affected by sin; they “miss the mark” and need to be brought into the light for God to heal them and others to benefit from them. This is the path to real love: Communicate your boundaries openly. Remember the story of the alien? The good news is that when God brings us out from an alien land, he does not leave us untaught. He rescued his people from the Egyptians, but he taught them his principles and ways. These proved to be life to them. But they had to learn them, practice them, and fight many battles to internalize these principles of faith. God has probably led you out of captivity also. Whether it was from a dysfunctional family, the world, your own religious self-righteousness, or the scatteredness of being lost, he has been your Redeemer. But what he has secured needs to be possessed. The land to which he has brought you has certain realities and principles. Learn these as set forth in his Word, and you’ll find his kingdom a wonderful place to live. Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths One of the definitions of a myth is a fiction that looks like a truth. Sometimes it sounds so true that Christians will believe it automatically. Some of these myths come from our family backgrounds. Some come from our church or theological foundations. And some come from our own misunderstandings. Whatever the source, prayerfully investigate the following “sounds-like-truths.” Myth 1: If I Set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish “Now, wait a minute,” Teresa said, shaking her head. “How can I set limits on those who need me? Isn’t that living for me and not for God?” Teresa was voicing one of the main objections to boundary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested only in one’s own concerns and not those of others. It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people. Concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number one hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35). So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. How can this be true? First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God-given trait (Prov. 13:4), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility. For one thing, we may not want what we need. Mr. Insensitive may desperately need help with the fact that he’s a terrible listener. But he may not want it. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than he is granting all our wishes. For example, he denied Paul’s wish to heal his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Cor. 12:7–10). At the same time, he met Paul’s needs to the point that Paul felt content and full: “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:12–13). It helps the Christian afraid of setting boundaries to know that God meets our needs. “God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). At the same time, God does not make our wishes and desires “all bad,” either. He will meet many of them. Our Needs Are Our Responsibility Even with God’s help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to “Ask … seek … knock” (Matt. 7:7). We are to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12). Even knowing that “it is God who works in [us]” (Phil. 2:13), we are our own responsibility. This is a very different picture than many of us are used to. Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish, and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that God or others should do for them. But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility. At the end of our lives, this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all “appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Cor. 5:10). A sobering thought. Stewardship A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us. We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s “interest” on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s investment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship. Myth 2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value. The truth is life changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside but rebellious and resentful on the inside. They would like to be able to say no but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a halfhearted yes, as Daniel did. Daniel had almost made it to his car after church when Ken caught up with him. Here goes, Daniel thought. Maybe I can still get out of this one. “Daniel!” Ken boomed. “Glad I caught you!” A volunteer small group leader, Ken was a dedicated recruiter to the Bible studies he presided over; however, he was often insensitive to the fact that not everyone wanted to attend his meetings. “So which study can I put you down for, Daniel? The one on prophecy, evangelism, or the gospel of Mark?” Daniel thought desperately to himself. I could say, “None of the above interest me. Don’t call me—I’ll call you.” But he’s an influential leader at church. He could jeopardize my relationships with some of the other leaders. I wonder which class will be the shortest? “How about the one on prophecy?” Daniel guessed. He was wrong. “Great! We’ll be studying end times for the next eighteen months! See you Monday.” Ken walked off triumphantly. Let’s take a look at what just happened. Daniel avoided saying no to Ken. At first glance, it looks like he made a choice for obedience. He committed himself to a Bible study. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely. But take a second look. What were Daniel’s motives for not saying no to Ken? What were the “thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Heb. 4:12)? Fear. Daniel was afraid of Ken’s political clout at church. He feared that he could lose other relationships if he disappointed Ken. Why is this important? Because it illustrates a biblical principle: an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hos. 6:6). In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our halfhearted actions) say no. Do you really think Daniel will finish out his year and a half with Ken’s Bible study? The odds are that some priority will arise to sabotage Daniel’s commitment, and he’ll leave—but without telling Ken the real reason why. Here’s a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not. The Bible tells us how to be obedient: “Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7 NRSV, emphasis added). Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear—either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts our fear” (1 John 4:18 NASB). Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised. God has no interest in our obeying out of fear “because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). God wants a response of love. Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a no helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart. Myth 3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others Usually the quiet one in her women’s Bible study group, Debbie spoke up. The topic of the evening was “biblical conflict resolution,” and she couldn’t be silent another second. “I know how to present facts and arguments about my opinion in a caring way. But my husband will walk out on me if I start disagreeing! Now what do I do?” Debbie’s problem is shared by many. She genuinely believes in boundaries, but she is terrified of their consequences. Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it. Jesus told the rich young man a hard truth about eternal life. He understood that the man worshiped money. So he told him to give it away—to make room in his heart for God. The results were not encouraging: “When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth” (Matt. 19:22). Jesus could have manipulated the situation so that it was less hard to swallow. He could have said, “Well, how about 90 percent?” After all, he’s God, and he makes up the rules! But he didn’t. He knew that the young man had to know whom to worship. So he let him walk away. We can do no less. We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance. When Jesus said, “Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets” (Luke 6:26), he was saying, “Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic people pleaser.” If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you’re bending the truth. Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those who don’t. First, there is the person who welcomes your boundaries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them. Who says, “I’m glad you have a separate opinion. It makes me a better person.” This person is called wise, or righteous. The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—or learn that there was very little to begin with. So what does Debbie, whose husband is an avowed “boundary buster,” do? Will her husband carry out his threat to walk out on her? He might. We can’t control the other person. But if the only thing keeping Debbie’s husband home is her total compliance, is this a marriage at all? And how will problems ever be addressed when she and he avoid them? Do Debbie’s boundaries condemn her to a life of isolation? Absolutely not. If telling the truth causes someone to leave you, this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a spiritual and emotional “home” to the abandoned person. In no way are we advocating divorce. The point is that you can’t make anyone stay with or love you. Ultimately that is up to your partner. Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically. Often, when a crisis like this occurs, it helps the struggling couple reconcile and remake their marriage into a more biblical one. The problem was raised and now can be addressed. Warning: The boundaryless spouse who develops limits begins changing in the marriage. There are more disagreements. There are more conflicts over values, schedules, money, kids, and sex. Quite often, however, the limits help the out-of-control spouse begin to experience the necessary pain that can motivate him or her to take more responsibility in the marriage. Many marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the spouse begins to miss the relationship. Will some people abandon or attack us for having boundaries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know. Bonding First, Boundaries Second Gina listened attentively to her counselor as he presented her boundary problems. “It all seems to make sense now,” she said as she left the session. “I can see changes I’m going to have to make.” The next session was quite different. She entered the office defeated and hurt. “These boundaries aren’t what they’re cracked up to be,” she said sadly. “This week I confronted my husband, my kids, my parents, and my friends on how they don’t respect my boundaries. And now nobody will talk to me!” What was the problem? Gina certainly jumped into her boundary work with both feet—but she neglected to find a safe place to work on boundaries. It isn’t wise to immediately alienate yourself from everyone important to you. Remember that you are made for relationship. You need people. You must have places where you are connected, where you are loved unconditionally. It’s only from that place of being “rooted and grounded in love” (Eph. 3:17 NASB) that you can safely begin learning to tell the truth. This is how you can prepare yourself for the resistance of others to your setting of biblical boundaries. Myth 4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others “The biggest problem with telling my mother no is the ‘hurt silence,’” Barbara said. “It lasts about forty-five seconds, and it always happens after I tell her I can’t visit her. It’s only broken by my apologizing for my selfishness and setting up a time to visit. Then she’s fine. I’ll do anything to avoid that silence.” If you set boundaries, you fear that your limits will injure someone else—someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled: • The friend who wants to borrow your car when you need it • The relative in chronic financial straits who desperately asks for a loan • The person who calls for support when you are in bad shape yourself The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury. This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control or manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can’t sacrifice for some reason or another. Jesus left the multitudes, for example, to be alone with his Father (Matt. 14:22–23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their “knapsacks” (see Gal. 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met. This is a crucial point. We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: Having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone. Then, when one person can’t be there for us, there’s another phone number to call. Another person who may have something to offer. And we aren’t enslaved to the schedule conflicts of one person. This is the beauty behind the Bible’s teachings on the church, the body of Christ. We’re a group of lumpy, bumpy, unfinished sinners who ask for help and give help, who ask again and give again. And when our supportive network is strong enough, we all help each other mature into what God intended us to be: “bearing with one another in love. Mak[ing] every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:2–3). When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships in this biblical fashion, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go. Remember that God had no problem telling Paul that he would not take away his thorn. He tells all of us no quite often! God doesn’t worry that his boundaries will injure us. He knows we are to take responsibility for our lives—and sometimes no helps us do just that. Myth 5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry Brenda had finally mustered up the courage to tell her boss she was no longer going to work weekends without pay. She had asked for a meeting, which had gone well. Her boss had been understanding, and the situation was being ironed out. Everything had gone well, except inside Brenda. It had begun innocently enough. Brenda had itemized her issues with the work situation and had presented her view and suggestions. But midway through her presentation, she’d been surprised by a sense of rage welling up inside. Her feeling of anger and injustice had been difficult to keep hidden. It had even slipped out in a couple of sarcastic comments about the boss’s “golfing Fridays,” comments that Brenda had had no intention of making. Sitting at her desk, Brenda felt confused. Where had the anger come from? Was she “that kind of person”? Maybe the culprit was these boundaries she’d been setting. It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal. Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something—a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Jesus’ rage at the defilement of the temple is an example of how this feeling functions (John 2:13–17). Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an “early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled. “So that’s why I find myself hostile to pushy salesmen!” Carl exclaimed. He couldn’t understand why he had a hard time loving sales personnel who couldn’t hear his no. They were attempting to get inside his financial boundaries, and Carl’s anger was simply doing its job. Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. In fact, a common Old Testament illustration of an angry person is someone with a “hard-breathing nose.” Imagine a bull in a ring, snorting and pawing, getting the steam up to attack, and you’ll get the picture. However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago—or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart. This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger”—it’s “old anger.” It’s often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths. The Scriptures say that the earth quakes “under … a servant who becomes king” (Prov. 30:21–22). The only difference between a servant and a king is that one has no choices and the other has all choices available to him. When you suddenly give those who have been imprisoned all their lives a great deal of power, the result is often an angry tyrant. Years of constant boundary violations generate great anger. It’s very common for boundary-injured people to do some “catching up” with anger. They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they never realized existed. Nathan’s family was known in his small town as the ideal family. Other kids envied him growing up, saying, “You’re lucky your parents are so close to you—mine couldn’t care less about me.” Feeling a great deal of gratitude for his close family, Nathan never noticed that his family carefully controlled differences and separateness. No one ever really disagreed or fought over values or feelings. “I always thought conflict meant a loss of love,” he would say. It wasn’t until Nathan’s marriage began suffering that he began questioning his past. He naively married a woman who manipulated and controlled him. Several years into the marriage, he knew it was in serious trouble. But to Nathan’s surprise, he was not only angry at himself for getting into this mess but also at his parents for not equipping him with tools for handling life better. Because he genuinely loved the warm family in which he was raised, Nathan felt guilty and disloyal when he remembered occasions in which his attempts to separate from his parents and set his own limits were constantly and lovingly frustrated. Mom would cry about his argumentativeness. Dad would tell Nathan not to upset his mom. And Nathan’s boundaries remained immature and nonfunctional. The more clearly he saw what this had cost him, the angrier he felt. “I made my own choices in life,” he said. “But life would have been a lot better had they helped me learn to say no to people.” Did Nathan remain angry at his parents forever? No, and neither do you have to. As hostile feelings surface, bring them to relationship. Confess them. The Bible tells us to tell the truth to each other about our lacks so that we may be healed (James 5:16). Experience the grace of God through others who love you in your anger. This is a first step toward resolving past anger. A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your soul. Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have been violated. In Nathan’s case, his sense of personal autonomy and safety had been deeply wounded. He had to practice for a long time to regain this in his primary relationships. But the more he healed, the less anger he felt. Finally, as you develop a sense of biblical boundaries, you develop more safety in the present. You develop more confidence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. In Nathan’s case, he set better limits with his wife and improved his marriage. As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your no intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.” You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries. Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries. Boundaries Decrease Anger This brings us to an important point about anger: The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop. Why is this? Remember the “early warning system” function of anger. We feel it when we are violated. If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don’t need the anger. You are more in control of your life and values. Tina resented her husband’s coming home forty-five minutes late to dinner every night. She had a hard time keeping the food hot; the kids were hungry and crabby, and their evening study schedule was thrown off. Things changed, however, when she began serving dinner on time, with or without her husband. He came home to refrigerated leftovers that he had to reheat and eat alone. Three or four “sessions” like this prompted Tina’s husband to tear himself away from work earlier! Tina’s boundary (eating with the kids on time) kept her from feeling violated and victimized. She got her needs and the kids’ needs met, and she didn’t feel angry anymore. The old saying “Don’t get mad. Just get even” isn’t accurate. It’s far better to say, “Don’t get mad. Set a limit!” Myth 6: When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me “Randy, I’m sorry, but I can’t lend you the money,” Pete said. “This is just a bad time for me.” My best friend, Randy thought to himself. I come to him in need, and he refuses me. What a blow! I guess that shows me what kind of friendship we really have. Randy is preparing to embark on a life of boundarylessness with others. Why? Because being on the “receiving end” was hurtful to him. He even made an emotional vow never to put anyone else through his experience. Many of us are like Randy. Having someone say no to our request for support leaves a bad taste in our mouths. It feels hurtful, rejecting, or cold. It becomes difficult to conceive of setting limits as being helpful or good. Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let’s look at why accepting others’ boundaries is such a problem. First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. A parent can hurt a child by not providing the correct amount of emotional connection at the appropriate time. Children’s emotional and psychological needs are primarily the responsibility of the parents. The younger the child, the fewer places he or she can go to get those needs met. A self-centered, immature, or dependent parent can hurt a child by saying no at the wrong times. Robert’s earliest memories were of being in his crib, alone in the room, for hours at a time. His parents would simply leave him there, thinking he was fine if he wasn’t crying. Actually, he had moved past crying to infant depression. Their no created a deep sense of being unwanted, which followed him into adulthood. Second, we project our own injuries onto others. When we feel pain, one response is to “disown” the bad feeling and to throw it onto others. This is called projection. Quite often people who have been hurt by inappropriate childhood boundaries will throw their fragility onto others. Sensing their own pain in others, they will avoid setting limits on others, as they imagine how devastating it would be to them. Robert had extreme difficulty setting nighttime limits with his three-year-old daughter, Abby. Whenever she would cry about having to go to bed, he would panic inside, thinking, I’m abandoning my daughter—she needs me, and I’m not there for her. Actually, he was a wonderful father who read stories at night, prayed, and sang songs with his little girl. But he read his own pain in her tears. Robert’s injuries kept him from setting the correct limits on Abby’s wish to keep him singing songs and playing—until sunrise. Third, an inability to receive someone’s boundary may mean there is an overdependent relationship. Kathy felt wounded and isolated when her husband wouldn’t want to talk at night. His silence resulted in feelings of severe alienation. She began wondering if she was being injured by her husband’s boundaries. The real problem, however, lay in Kathy’s dependence on her husband. Her emotional well-being rested on his being there for her at all times. He was to have provided everything that her own alcoholic parents hadn’t. When he had a bad day and withdrew, her own day was a disaster. Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is totally indispensable. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are too focused and dependent on that person to meet our needs. Such dependency is appropriate for children, but they are to grow out of this in adulthood and move into having several healthy and supportive relationships. It tends to slow down our personal and spiritual development. Ask yourself: “If the person I can’t hear no from were to die tonight, to whom would I go?” It’s crucial to develop several deep, significant relationships. This allows those in our lives to feel free to say no to us without guilt because we have somewhere else to go. When we have a person we can’t take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal, and we will comply. This occurs quite often in marriages where one spouse is kept in emotional blackmail by the other’s threat to leave. Not only is this no way to live—it doesn’t work, either. The controller continues withdrawing whenever he or she is displeased. And the boundaryless person continues frantically scrambling to keep him or her happy. Dr. James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough is a classic work on this kind of boundary problem. Fourth, an inability to accept others’ boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibility. Randy, who needed a loan from his best friend, is an example of this problem. He was making Pete responsible for his own financial woes. Some people become so accustomed to others rescuing them that they begin to believe that their well-being is someone else’s problem. They feel let down and unloved when they aren’t bailed out. They fail to accept responsibility for their own lives. Paul strongly confronted the Corinthians in a letter that has since been lost. He set limits on their rebelliousness. “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance” (2 Cor. 7:8–9). The Corinthians accepted and responded well to Paul’s boundaries, whatever they were. That’s a sign of taking responsibility. Remembering Jesus’ Golden Rule here is helpful: “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matt. 7:12). Apply it to setting limits. Do you want others to respect your boundaries? Then you must be willing to respect the boundaries of others. Myth 7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt Edward shook his head. “There’s something not right about all this for me,” he said. My folks were always so caring and concerned about me. It’s been such a great relationship. And then …” He paused, groping for words. “And then I met Judy and we got married. And that was wonderful. We saw my folks every week, sometimes more. Then the kids came along. Everything was fine. Until I got the job offer from across the country. It was the position of my dreams—Judy was excited about it, too. “But as soon as I told my parents about the offer, things changed. I started hearing them talk about Dad’s health—I hadn’t realized it was that bad. About Mom’s loneliness—about how we were the only bright spots in their lives. And about all the sacrifices they’d made for me. “What do I do? They’re right … they’ve given their lives to me. How can I leave them after all that?” Edward isn’t alone in his dilemma. One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feelings of obligation. What do we owe not only our parents but anyone who has been loving toward us? What’s appropriate and biblical, and what isn’t? Many individuals solve this dilemma by avoiding boundary setting with those to whom they feel an obligation. In this sense, they can avoid the guilty feelings that occur when they say no to someone who has been kind to them. They never leave home, never change schools or churches, and never switch jobs or friends. Even when it would be an otherwise mature move. The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything that causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift. “Gift” implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no expectation that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her. Period. That is how God views his gift of salvation to us. It cost him his Son. It was motivated out of love for us. And our response is to receive it and be grateful. Why is gratitude so important? Because God knows that our gratitude for what he has done for us will move us to love others: “as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness” (Col. 2:7). What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful heart, we should go out and help others. We need to distinguish here between those who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by a sincere thanks, the gift was probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guilt attached. God does an instructive job of keeping the issue of gratitude and boundaries separate. In Jesus’s letters to the seven churches in Revelation, he singles out three—Ephesus, Pergamum, and Thyatira: 1. He praises their accomplishments (gratitude). 2. He then tells them that even so, he has “something against” them (2:4, 14, 20). 3. He finally confronts their irresponsibilities (boundaries). He doesn’t allow the two issues to be confused. Neither should we. Myth 8: Boundaries Are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning My Bridges “But what if I change my mind?” Carla asked. “I’m scared that I’ll set a boundary with my best friend, and then she’ll leave and forget about me.” It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone, and she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place. Changing and renegotiating boundaries has many biblical precedents: God chose not to destroy Nineveh, for example, when the city repented (Jonah 3:10). In addition, Paul rejected John Mark for a mission trip because the younger man had deserted Paul (Acts 15:37–39). Yet, years later, Paul requested John Mark’s companionship (2 Tim. 4:11). The timing was ripe to change his boundary. As you’ve probably noticed, some of these myths are genuine misconceptions you may have learned from distorted teachings. Yet others simply result from the fear of standing up and saying no to unbiblical responsibility. Prayerfully review which myths have entangled and ensnared you. Search the Scripture mentioned in this chapter. And ask God to give you a sense of confidence that he believes in good boundaries more than you do. Part Two Boundary Conflicts Chapter 7 Boundaries and Your Family Nicole had a problem that I (Henry) had seen countless times before. This thirty-year-old woman would return from a visit to her parents’ home and suffer a deep depression. When she described her problem to me, I asked her if she noticed that every time she went home to visit, she came back extremely depressed. “Why that’s ridiculous,” she said. “I don’t live there anymore. How could the trip affect me this way?” When I asked her to describe the trip, Nicole told of social gatherings with old friends and family times around the dinner table. These were fun, she said, especially when it was only family. “What do you mean ‘only family’?” I asked. “Well, other times my parents would invite some of my friends over, and I didn’t like those dinners as well.” “Why was that?” Nicole thought for a minute and then replied, “I guess I start to feel guilty.” She began to recount the subtle remarks her parents would make comparing her friends’ lives to hers. They would talk of how wonderful it is for grandparents to have a “hands-on” role in raising the children. They would talk of the community activities her friends were doing and how wonderful she would be at those activities if she only lived there. The list went on and on. Nicole soon discovered that, when she returned home, she felt as if she were bad for living where she lived. She had a nagging sense that she really should do what her parents wanted her to do. Nicole had a common problem. She had made choices on the outside. She had moved away from the family she grew up in to pursue a career on her own. She had been paying her own bills. She had even gotten married and had a child. But on the inside, things were different. She did not have emotional permission to be a separate person, make free choices about her life, and not feel guilty when she did not do what her parents wanted. She could still yield to pressure. The real problem is on the inside. Remember, boundaries define someone’s property. Nicole, and others like her, do not really “own” themselves. People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad. Signs of a Lack of Boundaries Let’s look at some common signs of a lack of boundaries with the family we grew up in. Catching the Virus A common scenario is this: one spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries with the family he grew up in—his family of origin. Then when he has contact with them by phone or in person, he becomes depressed, argumentative, self-critical, perfectionistic, angry, combative, or withdrawn. It is as though he “catches” something from his family of origin and passes it on to his immediate family. His family of origin has the power to affect his new family in a trickle-down effect. One sure sign of boundary problems is when your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others. You are giving one person way too much power in your life. I remember one young woman who made steady gains in therapy until she talked to her mother, then she would withdraw for three weeks. She would say things like, “I’m not changing at all. I’m not getting any better.” Fusing with many of her mother’s ideas about her, she wasn’t able to stay separate. This fusion with her mother affected her other relationships. She virtually shut everyone out of her life after an interaction with her mother. Her mother owned her life; she was not her own. Second Fiddle “You wouldn’t believe how she is with him,” Dan said. “She totally focuses on his every wish. When he criticizes her, she tries harder. And she practically ignores me. I’m tired of being the ‘second man’ in her life.” Dan wasn’t talking about Megan’s lover. He was talking about her father. Dan was tired of feeling like Megan cared more about her father’s wishes than his. This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. He feels as if his mate’s real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before cleaving” process; she has a boundary problem. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24 KJV). The Hebrew word for “leave” comes from a root word that means to “loosen,” or to relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through marriage. This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers. May I Have My Allowance, Please? Terry and Sherry were an attractive couple. They owned a big house and went on lavish vacations; their children took piano lessons and ballet, went to summer camps, and had their own skis, ice skates, and electronic gadgets. Terry and Sherry had all the trappings of success. But there was one problem. This lifestyle was not supported by Terry’s paycheck. Terry and Sherry received much financial help from his family. Terry’s family had always wanted the best for him, and they had always helped him get it. They had contributed to the house, the vacations, and the children’s hobbies. While this allowed Terry and Sherry to have things they could not otherwise have, it cost them dearly as well. The periodic bailouts from his parents cut into Terry’s self-respect. And Sherry felt as if she couldn’t spend any money without consulting her in-laws, since they contributed the funds. Terry illustrates a common boundary problem for young adults today, both married and single: he was not yet an adult financially. He could not set boundaries on his parents’ desire for him and Sherry to “have everything we have.” He also found that he had so fused with their ideas of success that he had trouble saying no to these wishes in himself. He wasn’t sure he wanted to forsake the gifts and handouts for a greater sense of independence. Terry’s story is the “upside” of the financial boundary problem. There is also the “I’m in trouble” side. Many adult children perpetually get into financial messes because of irresponsibility, drug or alcohol use, out-of-control spending, or the modern “I haven’t found my niche” syndrome. Their parents continue to finance this road of failure and irresponsibility, thinking that “this time they’ll do better.” In reality, they are crippling their children for life, preventing them from achieving independence. Adults who do not stand on their own financially are still children. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures. Mom, Where Are My Socks? In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but he allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions. This adult child often hangs out at Mom and Dad’s house, vacations with them, drops off laundry, and eats many meals there. He is Mom or Dad’s closest confidant, sharing “everything” with them. At thirty-something, he hasn’t found his career niche, and he has no savings, no retirement plan, and no health insurance. On the surface these things may not appear to be serious problems. But often Mom and Dad are symbolically keeping their adult child from emotionally leaving home. This frequently happens in friendly, loving families where things are so nice it’s hard to leave. (Psychologists often refer to this as the “enmeshed family,” one in which the children do not separate with clear boundaries.) It does not look like a problem because everyone gets along so well. The family is very happy with one another. However, the adult children’s other adult relationships may be dysfunctional. They may choose “black sheep” friends and lovers. They may be unable to commit to a member of the opposite sex or to a career. Often their finances are a problem. They have large and multiple credit card balances and usually are behind on their taxes. Although they may be earning their own way daily, they never think about the future. This is essentially an adolescent financial life. Adolescents make enough money to buy a surfboard, stereo, or dress but do not think past the immediate present to the future. Did I make enough money for the pleasures of this weekend? Adolescents—and adult children who have not separated from their parents—are still under parental protection, and it’s a parent’s job to think about the future. Three’s a Crowd Dysfunctional families are known for a certain type of boundary problem called triangulation. It goes something like this: Person A is angry at Person B. Person A does not tell Person B. Person A calls Person C and gripes about Person B. Person C enjoys Person A’s confidence and listens whenever A wants to play the triangle game. By this time, Person B, feeling lonely, calls C, and in passing mentions the conflict with A. Person C becomes the confidant of B as well as A. Persons A and B have not resolved their conflict, and C has two “friends.” Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily. What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery. Person A is usually very cordial, nice, and even complimentary to B in person, but when A talks to C, the anger comes out. This is a clear lack of boundaries because Person A is not “owning” his anger. The person with whom A is angry deserves to hear it straight from him. How many times have you been hurt by a “Do you know what John said about you?” And the last time you talked to John things were fine. In addition, Person C is being drawn into the conflict, and his knowledge of the conflict gets in the way of his relationship with Person B. Gossip gets between people. It affects our opinions of the people being gossiped about without their having a chance to defend themselves. Many times what we hear from a third person is inaccurate. This is why the Bible commands us to listen to at least two or three witnesses, not just one. Triangulation is a common boundary problem with families of origin. Old patterns of conflict between a parent and a child, or between two parents, result in one family member calling another family member and talking about the third family member. These extremely destructive patterns keep people dysfunctional. The Scripture is very serious about dealing with conflict directly with the one you are angry with: Whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favor rather than one who has a flattering tongue. (Prov. 28:23) “‘Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in their guilt.’” (Lev. 19:17) “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” (Matt. 5:23–24) “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.” (Matt. 18:15) These Scriptures show that a simple way to avoid triangulation is to always talk to the person with whom you have a conflict first. Work it out with her, and only if she denies the problem, talk to someone else to get insight about how to resolve it, not to gossip and to bleed off anger. Then you both go to talk to her together to try to solve the problem. Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself. Who’s the Child Here, Anyhow? “Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children” (2 Cor. 12:14). Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did not sign up for this duty; they inherited it. Today we call these people “codependent.” Early in life they learned they were responsible for their parents, who were stuck in childish patterns of irresponsibility. When they became adults, they had a difficult time setting boundaries between themselves and their irresponsible parents. Every time they tried to have separate lives, they felt selfish. Indeed, the Bible teaches that adult children should take care of their elderly parents. “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (1 Tim. 5:3–4). It is good to feel grateful to our parents and to repay them for what they have done for us. But two problems generally crop up. First, your parents may not be “really in need.” They may be irresponsible, demanding, or acting like martyrs. They may need to take responsibility for their own knapsacks. Second, when they are “really in need,” you may not have clear boundaries to determine what you can give and what you can’t give. You may not be able to limit your giving, and your parents’ inability to adjust to old age, for example, will dominate your family. Such domination can ruin marriages and hurt children. A family needs to decide what they want to give and what they do not want to give, so they will continue to love and appreciate the parent and not grow resentful. Good boundaries prevent resentment. Giving is good. Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for your situation and resources. But I’m Your Brother/Sister Another frequent dynamic is the grown sibling relationship. An irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sibling to avoid growing up and leaving the family. (We are not talking about a truly needy sibling who has a mental or physical impairment.) The irresponsible child continues to play old family games well into adulthood. The tough issue here is the guilt and pressure you feel because this person is your brother or sister. I have seen people do totally crazy and unhelpful things for a brother or sister that they would never do for their closest friend. Our families can tear down our best built fences because they are “family.” But Why Do We Do That? Why in the world do we choose to continue these sorts of patterns? What is wrong? One reason is that we did not learn the laws of boundaries in our family of origin, and our adult boundary problems are actually old boundary problems that have been there since childhood. Another reason is that we may not have gone through the biblical transition into adulthood and the spiritual adoption into the family of God. Let’s look at both. Continuation of Old Boundary Problems Remember the story about the alien? He had grown up on another planet and was unfamiliar with the laws of Earth, such as gravity and money as a medium of exchange. The patterns you learn at home growing up are continued into adulthood with the same players: lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior, lack of confrontation, lack of limits, taking responsibility for others instead of yourself, giving out of compulsion and resentment, envy, passivity, and secrecy. These patterns are not new, they have just never been confronted and repented of. These patterns run deep. Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth. To change, you must identify these “sins of the family” and turn from them. You must confess them as sins, repent of them, and change the way you handle them. The first step in establishing boundaries is becoming aware of old family patterns that you are still continuing in the present. Look at the struggles you are having with boundaries in your family of origin, identify which laws are being broken, and then pinpoint the resulting negative fruit in your life. Adoption This is not a book about spiritual development, but boundaries are an essential aspect of growing up. One step in growing up is coming out from under parental authority and putting yourself under God’s authority. The Bible says that children are under the authority of their parents until they become adults (Gal. 4:1–7). In a real sense, their parents are responsible for them. But when adulthood and the “age of accountability” comes, that person comes out from under guardians and managers and becomes responsible for himself or herself. Christians move into another parental relationship with God as Father. God does not leave us as orphans, but takes us into his family. Numerous New Testament passages teach that we need to forsake our allegiance to our original family and become adopted by God (Matt. 23:9). God commands us to look to him as our Father and to have no parental intermediaries. Adults who are still holding an allegiance to earthly parents have not realized their new adoptive status. Many times we are not obeying the Word of God because we have not spiritually left home. We feel we still need to please our parents and follow their traditional ways of doing things rather than obey our new Father (Matt. 15:1–6). When we become part of God’s family, obeying his ways will sometimes cause conflict in our families and sometimes separate us (Matt. 10:35–37). Jesus says that our spiritual ties are the closest and most important (Matt. 12:46–50). Our true family is the family of God. In this family, which is to be our strongest tie, things are done a certain way. We are to tell the truth, set limits, take and require responsibility, confront each other, forgive each other, and so on. Strong standards and values make this family run. And God will not allow any other way in his family. This in no way means that we are to cut other ties. We are to have friends outside of God’s family and strong ties with our family of origin. However, we need to ask two questions: Do these ties keep us from doing the right thing in any situation? and Have we really become an adult in relation to our family of origin? If our ties are truly loving, we will be separate and free and give out of love and a “purposeful” heart. We will stay away from resentment, we will love with limits, and we will not enable evil behavior. If we are not “subject to guardians and trustees” as adults (Gal. 4:2), we can make truly adult decisions, having control over our own will (1 Cor. 7:37), subject to our true Father. Resolution of Boundary Problems with Family Establishing boundaries with families of origin is a tough task but one with great reward. It is a process with certain distinguishable steps. Identify the Symptom Look at your own life situation and see where boundary problems exist with your parents and siblings. The basic question is this: Where have you lost control of your property? Identify those areas and see their connection with the family you grew up in, and you are on your way. Identify the Conflict Discover what dynamic is being played out. For example, what “law of boundaries” are you violating? Do you triangulate? Do you take responsibility for a sibling or parent instead of being responsible to them? Do you fail to enforce consequences and end up paying for their behavior? Are you passive and reactive toward them and the conflict? You cannot stop acting out a dynamic until you understand what you are doing. “Take the log out” of your own eye. Then you will be able to see clearly to deal with your family members. See yourself as the problem and find your boundary violations. Identify the Need That Drives the Conflict You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of God, those who are now your true “mother, father, brothers, and sisters,” those who do God’s will and can love you the way he designed. Take In and Receive the Good It is not enough to understand your need. You must get it met. God is willing to meet your needs through his people, but you must humble yourself, reach out to a good support system, and take in the good. Do not continue to hide yourself (and your resources and talents) in the ground and expect to get better. Learn to respond to and receive love, even if you’re clumsy at first. Practice Boundary Skills Your boundary skills are fragile and new. You can’t take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no to people in your supportive group who will love and respect your boundaries. When you are recovering from a physical injury, you do not pick up the heaviest weight first. You build up to the heavy stuff. Look at it as you would physical therapy. Say No to the Bad In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. When you are in the beginning stages of recovery, you need to avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past. When you think you are ready to reestablish a relationship with someone who has been abusive and controlling in the past, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relationships. The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can’t reestablish a relationship until you have the proper tools. Be careful not to get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong. Forgive the Aggressor Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness. To forgive others means letting them off the hook, or canceling a debt they owe you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to that person forever. Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families. They still want something from them. It is much better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred (Prov. 13:12). If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This “ties” him to you and ruins boundaries. Let go of the dysfunctional family you came from. Cut it loose, and you will be free. Respond, Don’t React When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are. Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom. Boundaries in no way mean to stop loving. They mean the opposite: you are gaining freedom to love. It is good to sacrifice and deny yourself for the sake of others. But you need boundaries to make that choice. Practice purposeful giving to increase your freedom. Sometimes people who are building boundaries feel that to do someone a favor is codependent. Nothing is further from the truth. Doing good for someone, when you freely choose to do it, is boundary enhancing. Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid. Chapter 8 Boundaries and Your Friends Marsha switched on the television, not even noticing which show was on. She was thinking about her phone call with her best friend, Tammy. She had asked Tammy to go to a movie with her. Tammy had had other plans for the evening. Once again, Marsha had taken the initiative. Once again, she was disappointed. Tammy never called her. Was this what friendship was supposed to be about? Friendship. The word conjures up images of intimacy, fondness, and a mutual drawing together of two people. Friends are symbols of how meaningful our lives have been. The saddest people on earth are those who end their days with no relationships in which they are truly known and truly loved. Friendship can be a broad category; most of the relationships mentioned in this book have friendship components. But for our purposes, let’s define friendship as a nonromantic relationship that is attachment based rather than function based. In other words, let’s exclude relationships based on a common task, like work or ministry. Let’s look at friendship as comprised of people we want to be around just for their own sake. Boundary conflicts with friends come in all sizes and shapes. To understand the various issues, let’s look at a few conflicts and how they can be resolved with boundaries. Conflict 1: Compliant/Compliant In some ways, it was a great friendship; in other ways, it was awful. Sean and Tim enjoyed the same sports, activities, and recreation. They went to the same church and liked the same restaurants. But they were just too nice to each other. They each had difficulty saying no to the other. Their realization of the problem came up one weekend when a white-water rafting trip and a concert were scheduled on the same day. Sean and Tim enjoyed both activities, but they couldn’t do both. Sean called Tim, suggesting they go rafting. “Absolutely,” answered his friend. However, unbeknownst to each other, neither Sean nor Tim really wanted to go rafting. In their heart of hearts, both men had been looking forward to going to the concert. Halfway down the river, Sean and Tim got honest with each other. Tired and wet, Tim blurted out, “It was your big idea to come on this trip.” “Tim,” Sean said with surprise. “I thought you wanted to go rafting.” “Oh no! Since you called me, I figured that’s what you wanted! Old buddy,” he continued ruefully, “maybe it’s time we stopped being so ‘nice’ to each other.” The result of two compliants’ interacting is that neither does what he really wants. Each is so afraid of telling the other the truth that neither ever does. Let’s apply a boundary checklist to this conflict. This checklist of questions will not only help you locate where you are in setting boundaries but also show you how to get where you want to go. 1. What are the symptoms? One symptom of a compliant/compliant conflict is dissatisfaction—a sense that you allowed something you shouldn’t have. 2. What are the roots? Compliants come from backgrounds where they had to avoid saying no to keep others happy. Since their roots are similar, it’s often hard for two compliant people to help each other. 3. What is the boundary conflict? Compliant people politely deny their own boundaries to keep the peace. 4. Who needs to take ownership? Each compliant needs to take responsibility for his or her attempts to appease or please the other. Sean and Tim both need to admit that they each control the other by being nice. 5. What do they need? Compliant people need to have supportive relationships to plug into, be they support groups, small groups, or counselors. Their fear of hurting the other person makes it difficult for them to set boundaries on their own. 6. How do they begin? Both compliants practice setting limits on trivial things. They may begin with being honest about things like tastes in restaurants, church liturgies, music, and the like. 7. How do they set boundaries with each other? Sean and Tim talk with each other face-to-face, finally telling the truth and revealing limits they’d like to start setting. They commit themselves to better boundaries with each other. 8. What happens next? Sean and Tim may have to admit that their interests are not as similar as they’d thought. They may need to separate more from each other. Having different friends for different activities is no blot on the relationship; it might help their friendship in the long run. Conflict 2: Compliant/Aggressive Controller The compliant/aggressive controller conflict, the most identifiable of friendship conflicts, has classic symptoms. The compliant feels intimidated and inferior in the relationship; the aggressive controller feels irritated at being pestered by the compliant. “Well, all right, if you insist” is a catchphrase of the compliant. Usually, the aggressive controller is insisting on using some of the compliant’s time, talents, or treasures. The aggressive controller has no problem demanding what she wants. Sometimes she just takes what she wants without asking. “I needed it” is enough reason for the aggressive controller to help herself to whatever the compliant has, be it car keys, a cup of sugar, or three hours of time. Since the compliant is usually unhappy in this relationship, he is the one who needs to take action. Let’s put this relationship through the boundary checklist: 1. What are the symptoms? The compliant feels controlled and resentful; the aggressive controller feels good, except she doesn’t like to be pestered. 2. What are the roots? The compliant probably grew up in a family who taught him to avoid conflict rather than embrace it. The aggressive controller never received training in delaying gratification and in taking responsibility for herself. 3. What is the boundary conflict? Two specific boundary conflicts are the inability of the compliant to set clear limits with his friend and the inability of the aggressive controller to respect the compliant’s limits. 4. Who needs to take ownership? The compliant needs to see that he isn’t a victim of the aggressive controller; he is volunteering his power to his friend on a silver platter. Giving up his power is his way of controlling his friend. The compliant controls the aggressive controller by pleasing her, hoping it will appease her and cause her to change her behavior. The aggressive controller needs to own that she has difficulty listening to no and accepting the limits of others. She needs to take responsibility for her need to control her friend. 5. What is needed? The unhappier one in the friendship, the compliant, needs to plug into a supportive group of people to help him with this boundary conflict. 6. How do they begin? In preparation for confronting his friend, the compliant needs to practice setting limits in his support group. The aggressive controller could really benefit from honest feedback from loving friends on how she runs over people and how she can learn to respect the limits of others. 7. How do they set boundaries? The compliant applies biblical principles to his friendship (see Matthew 18). He confronts his friend on her control and intimidation. He tells her that the next time she tries to control him, he will leave. He does not attempt to control her. Confrontation isn’t an ultimatum meant to rob her of her choices. He sets limits to let her know that her control hurts him and wounds their friendship. Such limits protect the compliant from further hurt. The aggressive controller can become as angry or intimidating as she wants, but the compliant won’t be around to get hurt. He will be out of the room, the house, or the friendship—until it’s safe to come back. The aggressive controller experiences the consequences of her actions. Not having her friend around may force her to miss the attachment, and she can begin to take responsibility for the control that ran off her friend. 8. Now what? At this point, if both friends are open, the two can renegotiate the relationship. They can set new ground rules, such as, “I’ll stop pestering if you’ll stop being critical,” and can build a new friendship. Conflict 3: Compliant/Manipulative Controller “Cathy, I’m in a real jam, and you’re the only one I can depend on to help me out. I can’t get a babysitter for the kids, and I have this church meeting… .” Cathy listened to the plight of her friend, Sharon. It was the usual story. Sharon neglected to plan for events, to call ahead for sitters. She often called Cathy to help out in these self-induced emergencies. Cathy hated being stuck in this position. Sharon didn’t do it on purpose, and she needed her for a good cause, but Cathy still felt used and exploited. What was she to do? Many friendships get stuck in this interaction between compliants and manipulative controllers. Why do we call Sharon controlling? She’s not consciously trying to manipulate her friend; however, no matter what her good intentions are, when she’s in a jam, Sharon uses her friends. She takes them for granted, thinking that they shouldn’t mind doing a friend a favor. Her friends go along, saying, “Well, that’s just Sharon.” They stifle their resentment. Let’s run this conflict through our boundary checklist: 1. What are the symptoms? The compliant (Cathy) feels resentment at the manipulative controller’s (Sharon’s) last-minute requests. Cathy feels as though her friendship is being taken for granted. She begins to avoid her friend. 2. What are the roots? Sharon’s parents rescued her from every jam, from typing term papers at 3:00 a.m. to lending her money when she was well into her thirties. She lived in a very forgiving universe, where nice people would always help her out. She never had to face her own irresponsibility and lack of discipline and planning. As a child, Cathy didn’t like her mother’s hurt look when she said no. She grew up afraid of hurting others by setting boundaries. Cathy would do anything to avoid conflict with friends—especially with Sharon. 3. What is the boundary conflict? Sharon doesn’t plan ahead and take responsibility for her schedule. When responsibilities “get away from her,” she calls out to the nearest compliant for help. And Cathy comes running. 4. Who needs to take ownership? Cathy, the motivated party in this conflict, sees how her never-ending yes contributes to Sharon’s illusion that she doesn’t ever have to plan ahead. Cathy needs to stop feeling like a victim and take responsibility for saying no. 5. What does she need? Cathy needs to connect with others who will support her as she looks at the boundary issues between her and her friend. 6. How does she begin? Cathy practices saying no with supportive friends. In a supportive atmosphere she learns to disagree, to state her opinion, and to confront. They all pray for strength and guidance in this relationship. 7. How does she set boundaries? At their next lunch, Cathy tells Sharon about her feelings of being used and taken advantage of. She explains how she’d like a more mutual relationship. Then she lets her friend know that she won’t be taking any more “emergency” babysitting jobs. Sharon, unaware of how she was hurting her friend, is genuinely sorry about the problem. She begins to take more responsibility for her schedule. After a few futile attempts to get Cathy to babysit at the last minute and having to miss a few important meetings, she starts planning for events a week or two ahead of time. 8. What happens next? The friendship grows and deepens. Over time Cathy and Sharon laugh over the conflict that actually brought them closer. Conflict 4: Compliant/Nonresponsive Remember the Marsha-Tammy friendship at the beginning of this chapter? One friend doing all the work and the other coasting illustrates the compliant/nonresponsive conflict. One party feels frustrated and resentful; the other wonders what the problem is. Marsha sensed that the friendship wasn’t as important to Tammy as it was to her. Let’s analyze the situation: 1. What are the symptoms? Marsha feels depressed, resentful, and unimportant. Tammy, however, may feel guilty or overwhelmed by her friend’s needs and demands. 2. What are the roots? Marsha always feared that if she didn’t control her important attachments by doing all the work, she’d be abandoned. So she became a Martha to everyone else’s Mary, a worker instead of a lover (Luke 10:38–42). Tammy has never had to work hard for friendships. Always popular and in demand, she has passively taken from important friendships. She has never lost anyone by not being responsive. In fact, they work harder to keep her around. 3. What is the boundary conflict? There could be two boundary conflicts here. First, Marsha takes on too much responsibility for the friendship. She’s not letting her friend bear her own load (Gal. 6:5). Second, Tammy doesn’t take enough responsibility for the friendship. She knows that Marsha will come up with activities from which she can pick and choose. Why work when someone else will? 4. Who needs to take ownership? Marsha needs to take responsibility for making it too easy for Tammy to do nothing. She sees that her attempts to plan, call, and do all the work are disguised attempts to control love. 5. What do they need? Both women need support from other friends. They can’t look objectively at this problem without a relationship or two of unconditional love around them. 6. How do they begin? Marsha practices setting limits with supportive friends. She realizes that she will still have friendships in which each friend carries her own weight if she and Tammy break off their friendship. 7. How do they set boundaries? Marsha tells Tammy about her feelings and informs her that she will need to take equal responsibility for their friendship in the future. In other words, after Marsha calls, she won’t call again unless Tammy does. Marsha hopes that Tammy will miss her and begin calling. If worse comes to worst and the friendship atrophies due to Tammy’s unresponsiveness, Marsha has gained something. She has learned it wasn’t a mutual connection in the first place. Now she can grieve, get over it, and move on to find real friends. 8. What happens next? The mini-crisis changes the character of the friendship permanently. It either exposes it for a nonrelationship or it provides soil for the rebuilding of a better one. Questions about Friendship Boundary Conflicts Boundary conflicts in friendships are difficult to deal with because the only cord tying the relationship together is the attachment itself. There’s no wedding ring. There’s no job connection. There’s just the friendship—and it often seems all too fragile and in danger of being severed. People who are in the above conflicts often raise the following questions when they consider setting boundaries on their friendships. Question 1: Aren’t Friendships Easily Broken? Most friendships have no external commitment, such as marriage, work, or church, to keep the friends together. The phone could just stop ringing and the relationship die with no real ripples in the lives of the participants. So aren’t friendships at greater risk of breaking up when boundary conflicts arise? This type of thinking has two problems. First, it assumes that external institutions such as marriage, work, and church are the glue that holds relationships together. It assumes that our commitments are what hold us together, not our attachments. Biblically and practically, nothing could be further from the truth. We hear this thinking in many Christian circles: “If you don’t like someone, act like you do.” Or “make yourself love them.” Or “commit to loving someone.” Or “choose to love someone, and the feelings will come.” Choice and commitment are elements of a good friendship. We do need more than fair-weather friends. However, Scripture teaches us that we can’t depend on commitment or sheer willpower, for they will always let us down. Paul cried out that he did what he didn’t want to do, and he didn’t do what he wanted to do (Rom. 7:19). He was stuck. We all experience the same conflict. Even when we commit to a loving friendship, bad things happen. We let our friend down. Feelings go sour. Simply white-knuckling it won’t reestablish the relationship. We can solve our dilemma the same way Paul solved his: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). The answer is being “in Christ Jesus”—in other words, in relationship with Christ, both vertically and horizontally. As we stay connected to God, to our friends, and to our support groups, we are filled up with the grace to hang in there and fight out the boundary conflicts that arise. Without this external source of connection, we’re doomed to an empty willpower that ultimately fails or makes us think we’re omnipotent. Again, the Bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making—not the reverse. How does this apply to friendships? Look at it this way. How would you feel if your best buddy approached you and said: “I just wanted to tell you that the only reason we’re friends is because I’m committed to our friendship. There’s nothing that draws me to you. I don’t particularly enjoy your company. But I will keep choosing to be your friend.” You probably wouldn’t feel very safe or cherished in this relationship. You’d suspect you were being befriended out of obligation, not out of love. Don’t let anyone fool you. All friendships need to be based on attachment or they have a shaky foundation. The second problem with thinking that friendships are weaker than institutionalized relationships such as marriage, church, and work is in assuming that those three aren’t attachment based. It simply isn’t true. If it were, wedding vows would ensure a 0 percent divorce rate. Professions of faith would ensure faithful church attendance. A hiring would ensure 100 percent attendance at work. These three important institutions, so crucial to our lives, are, to a large degree, attachment based. It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us isn’t our performance or our lovability, or their guilt or their obligation. The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control. At any moment, any person can walk away from a friendship. However, as we enter more and more into an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that in a good relationship we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection. Question 2: How Can I Set Boundaries in Romantic Friendships? Single Christians have tremendous struggles with learning to be truth tellers and limit setters in romantic dating friendships. Most of the conflicts revolve around the fear of losing the relationship. A client may say, “There’s someone in my life whom I like a lot—but I’m afraid if I say no to him, I’ll never see him again.” A couple of unique principles operate in the romantic sphere: 1. Romantic relationships are, by nature, risky. Many singles who have not developed good attachments with other people and who have not had their boundaries respected try to learn the rules of biblical friendships by dating. They hope that the safety of these relationships will help them learn to love, be loved, and set limits. Quite often these individuals come out of a few months of dating more injured than when they went in. They may feel let down, put down, or used. This is not a dating problem. It’s a problem in understanding the purpose of dating. The purpose of dating is to practice and experiment. The end goal of dating is generally to decide, sooner or later, whether or not to marry. Dating is a means to find out what kind of person we complement and with whom we are spiritually and emotionally compatible. It’s a training ground for marriage. This fact causes a built-in conflict. When we date, we have the freedom to say, at any time, “This isn’t working out,” and to end the relationship. The other person has the same freedom. What does this mean for the person whose boundaries have been injured? Often she brings immature, undeveloped aspects of her character to an adult romantic situation. In an arena of low commitment and high risk, she seeks the safety, bonding, and consistency that her wounds need. She entrusts herself too quickly to someone whom she is dating because her needs are so intense. And she will be devastated when things “don’t work out.” This is a little like sending a three-year-old to the front lines of battle. Dating is a way for adults to grow in various ways and to find out about each other’s suitability for marriage; it’s not a place for injured souls to find healing. This healing can best be found in nonromantic arenas, such as support groups, church groups, therapy, and same-sex friendships. We need to keep separate the purposes of romantic and nonromantic friendships. It’s best to learn the skill of setting boundaries in these nonromantic arenas, where the attachments and commitments are greater. Once we’ve learned to recognize, set, and keep our biblical boundaries, we can use them on the adult playground called dating. 2. Setting limits in romance is necessary. Individuals with mature boundaries sometimes suspend them in the initial stages of a dating relationship in order to please the other person. However, truth telling in romance helps define the relationship. It helps each person to know where he or she starts and the other person stops. Ignorance of one another’s boundaries is one of the most blatant red flags of the poor health of a dating relationship. We’ll ask a couple in premarital counseling, “Where do you disagree? Where do you lock horns?” When the answer is, “It’s just amazing, we’re so compatible, we have very few differences,” we’ll give the couple homework: find out what you’ve been lying about to each other. If the relationship has any hope, that assignment will generally help. Question 3: What If My Closest Friends Are My Family? Boundary-developing individuals sometimes say, “But my mother (or father or sister or brother) is my best friend.” They often feel fortunate that in these times of family stress, their best friends are the family in which they were raised. They don’t think they need an intimate circle of friends besides their own parents and siblings. They misunderstand the biblical function of the family. God intended the family to be an incubator in which we grow the maturity, tools, and abilities we need. Once the incubator has done its job, then it’s supposed to encourage the young adult to leave the nest and connect to the outside world (Gen. 2:24), to establish a spiritual and emotional family system on one’s own. The adult is free to do whatever God has designed for him or her. Over time we are to accomplish God’s purposes of spreading his love to the world, to make disciples of all the nations (Matt. 28:19–20). Staying emotionally locked into the family of origin frustrates this purpose. It’s hard to see how we’ll change the world when we have to live on the same street. No one can become a truly biblical adult without setting some limits, leaving home, and cleaving somewhere else. Otherwise, we never know if we have forged our own values, beliefs, and convictions—our very identity—or if we are mimicking the ideas of our family. Can family be friends? Absolutely. But if you have never questioned, set boundaries, or experienced conflict with your family members, you may not have an adult-to-adult connection with your family. If you have no other “best friends” than your family, you need to take a close look at those relationships. You may be afraid of separating and individuating, of becoming an autonomous adult. Question 4: How Can I Set Limits with Needy Friends? I was talking to a woman one day in session who felt extremely isolated and out of control. Setting limits with her friends seemed impossible for her because her friends were in perpetual crisis. I asked her to describe the quality of her relationships. “Oh, I’ve got lots of friends. I volunteer at the church two nights a week. I lead a Bible study once a week. I’m on a couple of church committees, and I sing with the worship team.” “I’m getting exhausted just listening to you describe your week,” I said. “But what about the quality of these relationships?” “They’re great. People are being helped. They’re growing in their faith, and troubled marriages are getting healed.” “You know,” I said, “I’m asking you about friendships, and you’re answering about ministries. They’re not the same thing.” She had never considered the difference. Her concept of friendship was to find people with needs and throw herself into a relationship with them. She didn’t know how to ask for things for herself. And that was the source of her boundary conflicts. Without these “ministry relationships,” this woman would have had nothing. So she couldn’t say no. Saying no would have plummeted her into isolation, which would have been intolerable. But it had happened anyway: she had come for help because of burnout. When the Bible tells us to comfort with the comfort with which we are comforted (2 Cor. 1:4), it’s telling us something. We need to be comforted before we can comfort. That may mean setting boundaries on our ministries so that we can be nurtured by our friends. We must distinguish between the two. A prayerful look at your friendships will determine whether you need to begin building boundaries with some of your friends. By setting boundaries, you may save some important ones from declining. And when romantic dating relationships lead to marriage, you will still need to remember how to build and maintain boundaries even in this most intimate of human relationships.