Fifty Shades Darker / На пятьдесят оттенков темнее (by James E. L., 2012) - аудиокнига на английском

He’s come back. Mommy’s asleep or she’s sick again. I hide and curl up small under the table in the kitchen. Through my fingers I can see Mommy. She is asleep on the couch. Her hand is on the sticky green rug, and he’s wearing his big boots with the shiny buckle and standing over Mommy shouting. He hits Mommy with a belt. Get up! Get up! You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. Mommy makes a sobbing noise. Stop. Please stop. Mommy doesn’t scream. Mommy curls up small. I have my fingers in my ears, and I close my eyes. The sound stops. He turns and I can see his boots as he stomps into the kitchen. He still has the belt. He is trying to find me. He stoops down and grins. He smells nasty. Of cigarettes and drink. There you are, you little shit. A chilling wail wakes him. Christ! He’s drenched in sweat and his heart is pounding. What the fuck? He sits bolt upright in bed and puts his head in hands. Fuck. They’re back. The noise was me. He takes a deep steadying breath, trying to rid his mind and nostrils of the smell of cheap bourbon and stale Camel cigarettes. I have survived Day Three Post-Christian, and my first day at work. It has been a welcome distraction. The time has flown by in a haze of new faces, work to do, and Mr. Jack Hyde. Mr. Jack Hyde . . . he smiles down at me, his blue eyes twinkling, as he leans against my desk. “Excellent work, Ana. I think we’re going to make a great team.” Somehow, I manage to curl my lips upward in a semblance of a smile. “I’ll be off, if that’s okay with you,” I murmur. “Of course, it’s five thirty. I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Goodnight, Jack.” “Goodnight, Ana.” Collecting my bag, I shrug on my jacket and head for the door. Out in the early evening air of Seattle, I take a deep breath. It doesn’t begin to fill the void in my chest, a void that’s been present since Saturday morning, a painful hollow reminder of my loss. I walk toward the bus stop with my head down, staring at my feet and contemplating being without my beloved Wanda, my old Beetle . . . or the Audi. I shut the door on that thought immediately. No. Don’t think about him. Of course, I can afford a car—a nice, new car. I suspect he has been overgenerous in his payment, and the thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but I dismiss it and try to keep my mind as numb and as blank as possible. I can’t think about him. I don’t want to start crying again— not out on the street. The apartment is empty. I miss Kate, and I imagine her lying on a beach in Barbados sipping a cool cocktail. I turn on the flat-screen television so there’s noise to fill the vacuum and provide some semblance of company, but I don’t listen or watch. I sit and stare blankly at the brick wall. I am numb. I feel nothing but the pain. How long must I endure this? The door buzzer startles me from my anguish, and my heart skips a beat. Who could that be? I press the intercom. “Delivery for Ms. Steele.” A bored, disembodied voice answers, and disappointment crashes through me. I listlessly make my way downstairs and find a young man noisily chewing gum, holding a large cardboard box, and leaning against the front door. I sign for the package and take it upstairs. The box is huge and surprisingly light. Inside are two dozen long-stemmed, white roses and a card. Congratulations on your first day at work. I hope it went well. And thank you for the glider. That was very thoughtful. It has pride of place on my desk. Christian I stare at the typed card, the hollow in my chest expanding. No doubt, his assistant sent this. Christian probably had very little to do with it. It’s too painful to think about. I examine the roses—they are beautiful, and I can’t bring myself to throw them in the trash. Dutifully, I make my way into the kitchen to hunt down a vase. And so a pattern develops: wake, work, cry, sleep. Well, try to sleep. I can’t even escape him in my dreams. Gray burning eyes, his lost look, his hair burnished and bright all haunt me. And the music . . . so much music—I cannot bear to hear any music. I am careful to avoid it at all costs. Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder. I have spoken to no one, not even my mother or Ray. I don’t have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want none of it. I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that’s me. I can interact impersonally at work, but that’s it. If I talk to Mom, I know I will break even further—and I have nothing left to break. I am finding it difficult to eat. By Wednesday lunchtime, I manage a cup of yogurt, and it’s the first thing I’ve eaten since Friday. I am surviving on a newfound tolerance for lattes and Diet Coke. It’s the caffeine that keeps me going, but it’s making me anxious. Jack has started to hover over me, irritating me, asking me personal questions. What does he want? I’m polite, but I need to keep him at arm’s length. I sit and begin trawling through a pile of correspondence addressed to him, and I’m pleased with the distraction of menial work. My e-mail pings, and I quickly check to see who it’s from. Holy shit. An e-mail from Christian. Oh no, not here . . . not at work. From: Christian Grey Subject: Tomorrow Date: June 8, 2011 14:05 To: Anastasia Steele Dear Anastasia Forgive this intrusion at work. I hope that it’s going well. Did you get my flowers? I note that tomorrow is the gallery opening for your friend’s show, and I’m sure you’ve not had time to purchase a car, and it’s a long drive. I would be more than happy to take you—should you wish. Let me know. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. Tears swim in my eyes. I hastily leave my desk and bolt to the restroom to escape into one of the stalls. Jos?’s show. Crap. I’d forgotten all about it, and I promised him I’d go. Shit, Christian is right; how am I going to get there? I clutch my forehead. Why hasn’t Jos? phoned? Come to think of it—why hasn’t anyone phoned? I’ve been so absentminded, I haven’t noticed that my cell phone has been silent. Shit! I am such an idiot! I still have it on divert to the Blackberry. Holy hell. Christian’s been getting my calls—unless he’s just thrown the Blackberry away. How did he get my e-mail address? He knows my shoe size, an e-mail address is hardly going to present him with many problems. Can I see him again? Could I bear it? Do I want to see him? I close my eyes and tilt my head back as grief and longing lance through me. Of course I do. Perhaps, perhaps I can tell him I’ve changed my mind . . . No, no, no. I cannot be with someone who takes pleasure in inflicting pain on me, someone who can’t love me. Torturous memories flash through my mind—the gliding, holding hands, kissing, the bathtub, his gentleness, his humor, and his dark, brooding, sexy stare. I miss him. It’s been five days, five days of agony that has felt like an eternity. I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself tightly, holding myself together. I miss him. I really miss him . . . I love him. Simple. I cry myself to sleep at night, wishing I hadn’t walked out, wishing that he could be different, wishing that we were together. How long will this hideous overwhelming feeling last? I am in purgatory. Anastasia Steele, you are at work! I must be strong, but I want to go to Jos?’s show, and deep down, the masochist in me wants to see Christian. Taking a deep breath, I head back to my desk. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Tomorrow Date: June 8, 2011 14:25 To: Christian Grey Hi Christian Thank you for the flowers; they are lovely. Yes, I would appreciate a lift. Thank you. Anastasia Steele Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP Checking my phone, I find that it is still switched to divert. Jack is in a meeting, so I quickly call Jos?. “Hi, Jos?. It’s Ana.” “Hello, stranger.” His tone is so warm and welcoming it’s almost enough to push me over the edge again. “I can’t talk long. What time should I be there tomorrow for your show?” “You’re still coming?” He sounds excited. “Yes, of course.” I smile my first genuine smile in five days as I picture his broad grin. “Seven thirty.” “See you then. Good-bye, Jos?.” “Bye, Ana.” From: Christian Grey Subject: Tomorrow Date: June 8, 2011 14:27 To: Anastasia Steele Dear Anastasia What time shall I collect you? Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Tomorrow Date: June 8, 2011 14:32 To: Christian Grey Jos?’s show starts at 7:30. What time would you suggest? Anastasia Steele Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP From: Christian Grey Subject: Tomorrow Date: June 8, 2011 14:34 To: Anastasia Steele Dear Anastasia Portland is some distance away. I shall collect you at 5:45. I look forward to seeing you. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Tomorrow Date: June 8, 2011 14:38 To: Christian Grey See you then. Anastasia Steele Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP Oh my. I’m going to see Christian, and for the first time in five days, my spirits lift a fraction and I allow myself to wonder how he’s been. Has he missed me? Probably not like I’ve missed him. Has he found a new submissive from wherever they come from? The thought is so painful that I dismiss it immediately. I look at the pile of correspondence I need to sort for Jack and tackle it as I try to push Christian out of my mind once more. That night in bed, I toss and turn, trying to sleep. It is the first time in a while I haven’t cried myself to sleep. In my mind’s eye, I visualize Christian’s face the last time I saw him as I left his apartment. His tortured expression haunts me. I remember he didn’t want me to go, which was odd. Why would I stay when things had reached such an impasse? We were each skirting around our own issues—my fear of punishment, his fear of . . . what? Love? Turning on my side, I hug my pillow, filled with an overwhelming sadness. He thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved. Why does he feel that way? Is it something to do with his upbringing? His birth mom, the crack whore? My thoughts plague me into the early hours until eventually I fall into a fitful, exhausted sleep. The day drags and drags and Jack is unusually attentive. I suspect it’s Kate’s plum dress and the black high-heeled boots I’ve stolen from her closet, but I don’t dwell on the thought. I resolve to go clothes shopping with my first paycheck. The dress is looser on me than it was, but I pretend not to notice. Finally, it’s five thirty, and I collect my jacket and purse, trying to quell my nerves. I’m going to see him! “Do you have a date tonight?” Jack asks as he strolls past my desk on his way out. “Yes. No. Not really.” He cocks an eyebrow at me, his interest clearly piqued. “Boyfriend?” I flush. “No, a friend. An ex-boyfriend.” “Maybe tomorrow you’d like to come for a drink after work. You’ve had a stellar first week, Ana. We should celebrate.” He smiles and some unknown emotion flits across his face, making me uneasy. Putting his hands in his pockets, he saunters through the double doors. I frown at his retreating back. Drinks with the boss, is that a good idea? I shake my head. I have an evening of Christian Grey to get through first. How am I going to do this? I hurry into the restroom to make last-minute adjustments. In the large mirror on the wall, I take a long, hard look at my face. I am my usual pale self, dark circles round my too-large eyes. I look gaunt, haunted. Jeez, I wish I knew how to use makeup. I apply some mascara and eyeliner and pinch my cheeks, hoping to bring some color their way. Tidying my hair so that it hangs artfully down my back, I take a deep breath. This will have to do. Nervously I walk through the foyer with a smile and a wave to Claire at reception. I think she and I could become friends. Jack is talking to Elizabeth as I head for the doors. Smiling broadly, he hurries over to open them for me. “After you, Ana,” he murmurs. “Thank you.” I smile, embarrassed. Outside on the curb, Taylor is waiting. He opens the rear door of the car. I glance hesitantly at Jack who has followed me out. He’s looking toward the Audi SUV in dismay. I turn and climb into the back, and there he sits—Christian Grey—wearing his gray suit, no tie, his white shirt open at the collar. His gray eyes are glowing. My mouth dries. He looks glorious except he’s scowling at me. Oh no! “When did you last eat?” he snaps as Taylor closes the door behind me. Crap. “Hello, Christian. Yes, it’s nice to see you, too.” “I don’t want your smart mouth now. Answer me.” His eyes blaze. Holy shit. “Um . . . I had a yogurt at lunchtime. Oh—and a banana.” “When did you last have a proper meal?” he asks acidly. Taylor slips into the driver’s seat, starts the car, and pulls out into the traffic. I glance up and Jack is waving at me, though how he can see me through the dark glass, I don’t know. I wave back. “Who’s that?” Christian snaps. “My boss.” I peek up at the beautiful man beside me, and his mouth is pressed into a hard line. “Well? Your last meal?” “Christian, that really is none of your concern,” I murmur, feeling extraordinarily brave. “Whatever you do concerns me. Tell me.” No, it doesn’t. I groan in frustration, rolling my eyes heavenward, and Christian narrows his eyes. And for the first time in a long time, I want to laugh. I try hard to stifle the giggle that threatens to bubble up. Christian’s face softens as I struggle to keep a straight face, and I see a trace of a smile kiss his beautifully sculptured lips. “Well?” he asks, his voice softer. “Pasta alla vongole, last Friday,” I whisper. He closes his eyes as fury and possibly regret, sweeps across his face. “I see,” he says, his voice expressionless. “You look like you’ve lost at least five pounds, possibly more since then. Please eat, Anastasia,” he scolds. I stare down at the knotted fingers in my lap. Why does he always make me feel like an errant child? He shifts and turns toward me. “How are you?” he asks, his voice still soft. Well, I’m shit really . . . I swallow. “If I told you I was fine, I’d be lying.” He inhales sharply. “Me, too,” he murmurs and reaches over and clasps my hand. “I miss you,” he adds. Oh no. Skin against skin. “Christian, I—” “Ana, please. We need to talk.” I’m going to cry. No. “Christian, I . . . please . . . I’ve cried so much,” I whisper, trying to keep my emotions in check “Oh, baby, no.” He tugs my hand, and before I know it I’m on his lap. He has his arms around me, and his nose is in my hair. “I’ve missed you so much, Anastasia,” he breathes. I want to struggle out of his hold, to maintain some distance, but his arms are wrapped around me. He’s pressing me to his chest. I melt. Oh, this is where I want to be. I rest my head against him, and he kisses my hair repeatedly. This is home. He smells of linen, fabric softener, body wash, and my favorite smell—Christian. For a moment, I allow myself the illusion that all will be well, and it soothes my ravaged soul. A few minutes later Taylor pulls to a stop at the curb, even though we’re still in the city. “Come”—Christian shifts me off his lap—“we’re here.” What? “Helipad—on the top of this building.” Christian glances toward the building by way of explanation. Of course. Charlie Tango. Taylor opens the door and I slide out. He gives me a warm, avuncular smile that makes me feel safe. I smile back. “I should give you back your handkerchief.” “Keep it, Miss Steele, with my best wishes.” I flush as Christian comes around the car and takes my hand. He looks quizzically at Taylor who stares impassively back at him, revealing nothing. “Nine?” Christian says to him. “Yes, sir.” Christian nods as he turns and leads me through the double doors into the grandiose foyer. I revel in the feel of his large hand and his long, skilled fingers curled around mine. I feel the familiar pull—I am drawn, Icarus to his sun. I have been burned already, and yet here I am again. Reaching the elevators, he presses the call button. I peek up at him, and he’s wearing his enigmatic half smile. As the doors open, he releases my hand and ushers me in. The doors close and I risk a second peek. He glances down at me, gray eyes alive, and it’s there in the air between us, that electricity. It’s palpable. I can almost taste it, pulsing between us, drawing us together. “Oh my,” I gasp as I bask briefly in the intensity of this visceral, primal attraction. “I feel it, too,” he says, his eyes clouded and intense. Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin. He clasps my hand and grazes my knuckles with his thumb, and all my muscles clench tightly, deliciously, deep inside me. Holy cow. How can he still do this to me? “Please don’t bite your lip, Anastasia,” he whispers. I gaze up at him, releasing my lip. I want him. Here, now, in the elevator. How could I not? “You know what it does to me,” he murmurs. Oh, I still affect him. My inner goddess stirs from her five-day sulk. Abruptly the doors open, breaking the spell, and we’re on the roof. It’s windy, and despite my black jacket, I’m cold. Christian puts his arm around me, pulling me into his side, and we hurry across to where Charlie Tango stands in the center of the helipad with its rotor blades slowly spinning. A tall, blond, square-jawed man in a dark suit leaps out and, ducking low, runs toward us. Shaking hands with Christian, he shouts above the noise of the rotors. “Ready to go, sir. She’s all yours!” “All checks done?” “Yes, sir.” “You’ll collect her around eight thirty?” “Yes, sir.” “Taylor’s waiting for you out front.” “Thank you, Mr. Grey. Safe flight to Portland. Ma’am.” He salutes me. Without releasing me, Christian nods, ducks down, and leads me to the helicopter door. Once inside he buckles me firmly into my harness, cinching the straps tight. He gives me a knowing look and his secret smile. “This should keep you in your place,” he murmurs. “I must say I do like this harness on you. Don’t touch anything.” I flush a deep crimson, and he runs his index finger down my cheek before handing me the headphones. I’d like to touch you, too, but you won’t let me. I scowl at him. Besides, he’s pulled the straps so tight I can barely move. He sits in his seat and buckles himself in, then starts running through all his preflight checks. He’s just so competent. It’s very alluring. He puts on his headphones and flips a switch and the rotors speed up, deafening me. Turning, he gazes at me. “Ready, baby?” His voice echoes through the headphones. “Yes.” He grins his boyish grin. Wow—I’ve not seen it for so long. “Sea-Tac tower, this is Charlie Tango—Tango Echo Hotel, cleared for takeoff to Portland via PDX. Please confirm, over.” The disembodied voice of the air traffic controller answers, issuing instructions. “Roger, tower, Charlie Tango set, over and out.” Christian flips two switches, grasps the stick, and the helicopter rises slowly and smoothly into the evening sky. Seattle and my stomach drop away from us, and there’s so much to see. “We’ve chased the dawn, Anastasia, now the dusk,” his voice comes through on the headphones. I turn to gape at him in surprise. What does this mean? How is it that he can say the most romantic things? He smiles, and I can’t help but smile shyly back at him. “As well as the evening sun, there’s more to see this time,” he says. The last time we flew to Seattle it was dark, but this evening the view is spectacular, literally out of this world. We’re up among the tallest buildings, going higher and higher. “Escala’s over there.” He points toward the building. “Boeing there, and you can just see the Space Needle.” I crane my head. “I’ve never been.” “I’ll take you—we can eat there.” What? “Christian, we broke up.” “I know. I can still take you there and feed you.” He glares at me. I shake my head and flush before taking a less confrontational approach. “It’s very beautiful up here, thank you.” “Impressive, isn’t it?” “Impressive that you can do this.” “Flattery from you, Miss Steele? But I’m a man of many talents.” “I’m fully aware of that, Mr. Grey.” He turns and smirks at me, and for the first time in five days, I relax a little. Perhaps this won’t be so bad. “How’s the new job?” “Good, thank you. Interesting.” “What’s your boss like?” “Oh, he’s okay.” How can I tell Christian that Jack makes me uncomfortable? Christian turns and gazes at me. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “Aside from the obvious, nothing.” “The obvious?” “Oh, Christian, you really are very obtuse sometimes.” “Obtuse? Me? I’m not sure I appreciate your tone, Miss Steele.” “Well, don’t then.” His lips twitch into a smile. “I have missed your smart mouth.” I gasp and I want to shout, I’ve missed you—all of you—not just your mouth! But I keep quiet and gaze out the glass fishbowl that is Charlie Tango’s windshield as we continue south. The dusk is to our right, the sun low on the horizon—large, blazing fiery orange— and I am Icarus again, flying far too close. The dusk has followed us from Seattle, and the sky is awash with opal, pinks, and aquamarines woven seamlessly together as only Mother Nature knows how. It’s a clear, crisp evening, and the lights of Portland twinkle and wink, welcoming us as Christian sets the helicopter down on the helipad. We are on top of the strange brown brick building in Portland we left less than three weeks ago. Jeez, it’s been hardly any time at all. Yet I feel like I’ve known Christian for a lifetime. He powers down Charlie Tango, flipping various switches so the rotors stop, and eventually all I hear is my own breathing through the headphones. Hmm. Briefly it reminds me of the Thomas Tallis experience. I blanch. I so don’t want to go there right now. Christian unbuckles his harness and leans across to undo mine. “Good trip, Miss Steele?” he asks, his voice mild, his gray eyes glowing. “Yes, thank you, Mr. Grey,” I reply politely. “Well, let’s go see the boy’s photos.” He holds his hand out to me and taking it, I climb out of Charlie Tango. A gray-haired man with a beard walks over to meet us, smiling broadly, and I recognize him as the old-timer from the last time we were here. “Joe.” Christian smiles and releases my hand to shake Joe’s warmly. “Keep her safe for Stephan. He’ll be along around eight or nine.” “Will do, Mr. Grey. Ma’am,” he says, nodding at me. “Your car’s waiting downstairs, sir. Oh, and the elevator’s out of order; you’ll need to use the stairs.” “Thank you, Joe.” Christian takes my hand, and we head to the emergency stairs. “Good thing for you this is only three floors, in those heels,” he mutters to me in disapproval. No kidding. “Don’t you like the boots?” “I like them very much, Anastasia.” His gaze darkens and I think he might say something else, but he stops. “Come. We’ll take it slow. I don’t want you falling and breaking your neck.” We sit in silence as our driver takes us to the gallery. My anxiety has returned full force, and I realize that our time in Charlie Tango has been the eye of the storm. Christian is quiet and brooding . . . apprehensive even; our lighter mood from earlier has dissipated. There’s so much I want to say, but this journey is too short. Christian stares pensively out the window. “Jos? is just a friend,” I murmur. Christian turns and gazes at me, his eyes dark and guarded, giving nothing away. His mouth—oh, his mouth is distracting, and unbidden. I remember it on me—everywhere. My skin heats. He shifts in his seat and frowns. “Those beautiful eyes look too large in your face, Anastasia. Please tell me you’ll eat.” “Yes, Christian, I’ll eat,” I answer automatically, a platitude. “I mean it.” “Do you now?” I cannot keep the disdain out of my voice. Honestly, the audacity of this man—this man who has put me through hell over the last few days. No, that’s wrong. I’ve put myself through hell. No. It’s him. I shake my head, confused. “I don’t want to fight with you, Anastasia. I want you back, and I want you healthy,” he says softly. What? What does that mean? “But nothing’s changed.” You’re still fifty shades. “Let’s talk on the way back. We’re here.” The car pulls up in front of the gallery, and Christian climbs out, leaving me speechless. He opens the car door for me, and I clamber out. “Why do you do that?” My voice is louder than I expected. “Do what?” Christian is taken aback. “Say something like that and then just stop.” “Anastasia, we’re here. Where you want to be. Let’s do this and then talk. I don’t particularly want a scene in the street.” I flush and glance around. He’s right. It’s too public. I press my lips together as he glares down at me. “Okay,” I mutter sulkily. Taking my hand, he leads me into the building. We are in a converted warehouse—brick walls, dark wood floors, white ceilings, and white pipe work. It’s airy and modern, and there are several people wandering across the gallery floor, sipping wine and admiring Jos?’s work. For a moment, my troubles melt away as I grasp that Jos? has realized his dream. Way to go, Jos?! “Good evening and welcome to Jos? Rodriguez’s show.” A young woman dressed in black with very short brown hair, bright red lipstick, and large hooped earrings greets us. She glances briefly at me, then much longer than is strictly necessary at Christian, then turns back to me, blinking as she blushes. My brow creases. He’s mine—or was. I try hard not to scowl at her. As her eyes regain their focus, she blinks again. “Oh, it’s you, Ana. We’ll want your take on all this, too.” Grinning, she hands me a brochure and directs me to a table laden with drinks and snacks. How does she know my name? “You know her?” Christian frowns. I shake my head, equally puzzled. He shrugs, distracted. “What would you like to drink?” “I’ll have a glass of white wine, thank you.” His brow furrows, but he holds his tongue and heads for the open bar. “Ana!” Jos? comes barreling through a throng of people. Holy cow! He’s wearing a suit. He looks good and he’s beaming at me. He enfolds me in his arms, hugging me hard. And it’s all I can do not to burst into tears. My friend, my only friend while Kate is away. Tears pool in my eyes. “Ana, I’m so glad you made it,” he whispers in my ear, then pauses and abruptly holds me at arm’s length, staring at me. “What?” “Hey are you okay? You look, well, odd. Dios mio, have you lost weight?” I blink back my tears. “Jos?, I’m fine. I’m just so happy for you.” Crap—not him, too. “Congratulations on the show.” My voice wavers as I see his concern etched on his oh-sofamiliar face, but I have to hold myself together. “How did you get here?” he asks. “Christian brought me,” I say, suddenly apprehensive. “Oh.” Jos?’s face falls and he releases me. “Where is he?” His expression darkens. “Over there, fetching drinks.” I nod in Christian’s direction and see he’s exchanging pleasantries with someone waiting in line. Christian glances up when I look his way and our eyes lock. And in that brief moment, I’m paralyzed, staring at the impossibly handsome man who gazes at me with some unfathomable emotion. His gaze hot, burning into me, and we’re lost for a moment staring at each other. Holy cow . . . This beautiful man wants me back, and deep down inside me sweet joy slowly unfurls like a morning glory in the early dawn. “Ana!” Jos? distracts me, and I’m dragged back to the here and now. “I am so glad you came—listen, I should warn you—” Suddenly, Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick cuts him off. “Jos?, the journalist from the Portland Printz is here to see you. Come on.” She gives me a polite smile. “How cool is this? The fame.” He grins, and I can’t help but grin back—he’s so happy. “Catch you later, Ana.” He kisses my cheek, and I watch him stroll over to a young woman standing by a tall lanky photographer. Jos?’s photographs are everywhere, and in some cases, blown up onto huge canvases. There are both monochromes and colors. There’s an ethereal beauty to many of the landscapes. In one taken out near the lake at Vancouver, it’s early evening and pink clouds are reflected in the stillness of the water. Briefly, I’m transported by the tranquility and the peace. It’s stunning. Christian joins me, and I take a deep breath and swallow, trying to recover some of my earlier equilibrium. He hands me my glass of white wine. “Does it come up to scratch?” My voice sounds more normal. He looks quizzically at me. “The wine.” “No. Rarely does at these kinds of events. The boy’s quite talented, isn’t he?” Christian is admiring the lake photo. “Why else do you think I asked him to take your portrait?” I can’t help the pride in my voice. His eyes glide impassively from the photograph to me. “Christian Grey?” The photographer from the Portland Printz approaches Christian. “Can I have a picture, sir?” “Sure.” Christian hides his scowl. I step back, but he grabs my hand and pulls me to his side. The photographer looks at both of us and can’t hide his surprise. “Mr. Grey, thank you.” He snaps a couple of photos. “Miss . . . ?” he asks. “Steele,” I reply. “Thank you, Miss Steele.” He scurries off. “I looked for pictures of you with dates on the Internet. There aren’t any. That’s why Kate thought you were gay.” Christian’s mouth twitches with a smile. “That explains your inappropriate question. No, I don’t do dates, Anastasia—only with you. But you know that.” His eyes burn with sincerity. “So you never took your”—I glance around nervously to check no one can overhear us—“subs out?” “Sometimes. Not on dates. Shopping, you know.” He shrugs, his eyes not leaving mine. Oh, so just in the playroom—his Red Room of Pain and his apartment. I don’t know what to feel about that. “Just you, Anastasia,” he whispers. I blush and stare down at my fingers. In his own way, he does care about me. “Your friend here seems more of a landscape man, not portraits. Let’s look round.” He holds his hand out to me, and I take it. We wander past a few more prints, and I notice a couple nodding at me, smiling broadly as if they know me. It must be because I’m with Christian, but one young man is blatantly staring. Odd. We turn the corner, and I can see why I’ve been getting strange looks. Hanging on the far wall are seven huge portraits—of me. I stare blankly at them, stupefied, the blood draining from my face. Me: pouting, laughing, scowling, serious, amused. All in super close up, all in black and white. Holy crap! I remember Jos? messing with the camera on a couple of occasions when he was visiting and when I’d been out with him as driver and photographer’s assistant. He took snapshots, or so I thought. Not these invasive candids. I glance up at Christian, who is staring, transfixed, at each of the pictures in turn. “Seems I’m not the only one,” he mutters cryptically, his mouth settling into a hard line. I think he’s angry. Oh no. “Excuse me,” he says, pinning me with his bright gray gaze for a moment. He turns and heads to the reception desk. What’s his problem now? I watch mesmerized as he talks animatedly with Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick. He fishes out his wallet and produces his credit card. Shit. He must have bought one of them. “Hey. You’re the muse. These photographs are terrific.” A young man with a shock of bright blond hair startles me. I feel a hand at my elbow and Christian is back. “You’re a lucky guy.” Blond Shock smirks at Christian, who gives him a cold stare. “That I am,” he mutters darkly, as he pulls me over to one side. “Did you just buy one of these?” “One of these?” he snorts, not taking his eyes off them. “You bought more than one?” He rolls his eyes. “I bought them all, Anastasia. I don’t want some stranger ogling you in the privacy of their home.” My first inclination is to laugh. “You’d rather it was you?” I scoff. He glares down at me, caught off guard by my audacity, I think, but he’s trying to hide his amusement. “Frankly, yes.” “Pervert,” I mouth at him and bite my lower lip to prevent my smile. His mouth drops open, and now his amusement is obvious. He strokes his chin thoughtfully. “Can’t argue with that assessment, Anastasia.” He shakes his head, and his eyes soften with humor. “I’d discuss it further with you, but I’ve signed an NDA.” He sighs, gazing at me, and his eyes darken. “What I’d like to do to your smart mouth,” he murmurs. I gasp, knowing full well what he means. “You’re very rude.” I try to sound shocked and succeed. Does he have no boundaries? He smirks at me, amused, and then he frowns. “You look very relaxed in these photographs, Anastasia. I don’t see you like that very often.” What? Whoa! Change of subject—talk about non sequitur—from playful to serious. I flush and glance down at my fingers. He tilts my head back, and I inhale sharply at the contact with his long fingers. “I want you that relaxed with me,” he whispers. All trace of humor has gone. Deep inside me that joy stirs again. But how can this be? We have issues. “You have to stop intimidating me if you want that,” I snap. “You have to learn to communicate and tell me how you feel,” he snaps back, eyes blazing. I take a deep breath. “Christian, you wanted me as a submissive. That’s where the problem lies. It’s in the definition of a submissive—you e-mailed it to me once.” I pause, trying to recall the wording. “I think the synonyms were, and I quote, ‘compliant, pliant, amenable, passive, tractable, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued.’ I wasn’t supposed to look at you. Not talk to you unless you gave me permission to do so. What do you expect?” I hiss at him. He blinks, and his frown deepens as I continue. “It’s very confusing being with you. You don’t want me to defy you, but then you like my ‘smart mouth.’ You want obedience, except when you don’t, so you can punish me. I just don’t know which way is up when I’m with you.” He narrows his eyes. “Good point well made, as usual, Miss Steele.” His voice is frigid. “Come, let’s go eat.” “We’ve only been here for half an hour.” “You’ve seen the photos; you’ve spoken to the boy.” “His name is Jos?.” “You’ve spoken to Jos?—the man who, the last time I met him, was trying to push his tongue into your reluctant mouth while you were drunk and ill,” he snarls. “He’s never hit me,” I spit at him. Christian scowls at me, fury emanating from every pore. “That’s a low blow, Anastasia,” he whispers menacingly. I flush, and Christian runs his hands through his hair, bristling with barely contained anger. I glare back at him. “I’m taking you for something to eat. You’re fading away in front of me. Find the boy, say good-bye.” “Please, can we stay longer?” “No. Go. Now. Say good-bye.” I glare at him, my blood boiling. Mr. Damned Control Freak. Angry is good. Angry is better than tearful. I drag my gaze away from him and scan the room for Jos?. He’s talking to a group of young women. I stalk off toward him and away from Fifty. Just because he brought me here, I have to do as he says? Who the hell does he think he is? The girls are hanging on Jos?’s every word. One of them gasps as I approach, no doubt recognizing me from the portraits. “Jos?.” “Ana. Excuse me, girls.” Jos? grins at them and puts his arm around me, and on some level I’m amused—Jos? all smooth, impressing the ladies. “You look mad,” he says. “I have to go,” I mutter mulishly. “You just got here.” “I know but Christian needs to get back. The pictures are fantastic, Jos?—you’re very talented.” He beams. “It was so cool seeing you.” Jose sweeps me into a big bear hug, spinning me so I can see Christian across the gallery. He’s scowling, and I realize it’s because I’m in Jos?’s arms. So in a very calculating move, I wrap my arms around Jos?’s neck. I think Christian is going to expire. His glare darkens to something quite sinister, and slowly he makes his way toward us. “Thanks for the warning about the portraits of me,” I mumble. “Shit. Sorry, Ana. I should have told you. D’you like them?” “Um . . . I don’t know,” I answer truthfully, momentarily knocked off balance by his question. “Well, they’re all sold, so somebody likes them. How cool is that? You’re a poster girl.” He hugs me tighter still as Christian reaches us, glowering at me now, though fortunately Jos? doesn’t see. Jos? releases me. “Don’t be a stranger, Ana. Oh, Mr. Grey, good evening.” “Mr. Rodriguez, very impressive.” Christian sounds icily polite. “I’m sorry we can’t stay longer, but we need to head back to Seattle. Anastasia?” He subtly stresses we and takes my hand as he does so. “Bye, Jos?. Congratulations again.” I give him a quick kiss on the cheek, and before I know it Christian is dragging me out of the building. I know he’s boiling with silent wrath, but so am I. He looks quickly up and down the street then heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side alley, abruptly pushing me up against a wall. He grabs my face between his hands, forcing me to look up into his ardent determined eyes. I gasp, and his mouth swoops down. He’s kissing me, violently. Briefly our teeth clash, then his tongue is in my mouth. Desire explodes like the Fourth of July throughout my body, and I’m kissing him back, matching his fervor, my hands knotting in his hair, pulling it, hard. He groans, a low sexy sound in the back of his throat that reverberates through me, and his hand moves down my body to the top of my thigh, his fingers digging into my flesh through the plum dress. I pour all the angst and heartbreak of the last few days into our kiss, binding him to me, and it hits me—in this moment of blinding passion—he’s doing the same, he feels the same. He breaks off the kiss, panting. His eyes are luminous with desire, firing the already heated blood that is pounding through my body. My mouth is slack as I try to drag precious air into my lungs. “You. Are. Mine,” he snarls, emphasizing each word. He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he’s run a marathon. “For the love of God, Ana.” I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium again. “I’m sorry,” I whisper once my breath has returned. “You should be. I know what you were doing. Do you want the photographer, Anastasia? He obviously has feelings for you.” I flush and shake my head. “No. He’s just a friend.” “I have spent all my adult life trying to avoid any extreme emotion. Yet you . . . you bring out feelings in me that are completely alien. It’s very . . .” He frowns, grasping for the word. “Unsettling. “I like control, Ana, and around you that just”—he stands, his gaze intense— “evaporates.” He waves his hand vaguely, then runs it through his hair and takes a deep breath. He clasps my hand. “Come, we need to talk, and you need to eat.” He leads me into a small, intimate restaurant. “This place will have to do,” Christian grumbles. “We don’t have much time.” The restaurant looks fine to me. Wooden chairs, linen tablecloths, and walls the same color as Christian’s playroom—deep blood red—with small gilt mirrors randomly placed, white candles, and small vases of white roses. Ella Fitzgerald croons softly in the background about this thing called love. It’s very romantic. The waiter leads us to a table for two in a small alcove, and I sit, apprehensive and wondering what he’s going to say. “We don’t have long,” Christian says to the waiter as we sit. “So we’ll each have sirloin steak cooked medium, b?arnaise sauce if you have it, fries, and green vegetables, whatever the chef has; and bring me the wine list.” “Certainly, sir.” The waiter, taken aback by Christian’s cool, calm efficiency, scuttles off. Christian places his Blackberry on the table. Jeez, don’t I get a choice? “And if I don’t like steak?” He sighs. “Don’t start, Anastasia.” “I am not a child, Christian.” “Well, stop acting like one.” It’s as if he’s slapped me. I blink at him. So this is how it will be, an agitated, fraught conversation, albeit in a very romantic setting but certainly no hearts and flowers. “I’m a child because I don’t like steak?” I mutter trying to conceal my hurt. “For deliberately making me jealous. It’s a childish thing to do. Have you no regard for your friend’s feelings, leading him on like that?” Christian presses his lips together in a thin line and scowls as the waiter returns with the wine list. I blush—I hadn’t thought of that. Poor Jos?—I certainly don’t want to encourage him. Suddenly, I’m mortified. Christian has a point; it was a thoughtless thing to do. He glances at the wine list. “Would you like to choose the wine?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at me expectantly, arrogance personified. He knows I know nothing about wine. “You choose,” I answer, sullen but chastened. “Two glasses of the Barossa Valley Shiraz, please.” “Er . . . we only sell that wine by the bottle, sir.” “A bottle then,” Christian snaps. “Sir.” He retreats, subdued, and I don’t blame him. I frown at Fifty. What’s eating him? Oh, me probably, and somewhere in the depths of my psyche, my inner goddess rises sleepily, stretches, and smiles. She’s been asleep for a while. “You’re very grumpy.” He gazes at me impassively. “I wonder why that is?” “Well, it’s good to set the right tone for an intimate and honest discussion about the future, wouldn’t you say?” I smile at him sweetly. His mouth presses into a hard line, but then, almost reluctantly, his lips lift, and I know he’s trying to stifle his smile. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Apology accepted, and I’m pleased to inform you I haven’t decided to become a vegetarian since we last ate.” “Since that was the last time you ate, I think that’s a moot point.” “There’s that word again, moot.” “Moot,” he mouths and his eyes soften with humor. He runs his hand through his hair, and he’s serious again. “Ana, the last time we spoke, you left me. I’m a little nervous. I’ve told you I want you back, and you’ve said . . . nothing.” His gaze is intense and expectant while his candor is totally disarming. What the hell do I say to this? “I’ve missed you . . . really missed you, Christian. The past few days have been . . . difficult.” I swallow, and a lump in my throat swells as I recall my desperate anguish since I left him. This last week has been the worst in my life, the pain almost indescribable. Nothing has come close. But reality hits home, winding me. “Nothing’s changed. I can’t be what you want me to be.” I squeeze the words out past the lump in my throat. “You are what I want you to be,” he says, his soft voice emphatic. “No, Christian, I’m not.” “You’re upset because of what happened last time. I behaved stupidly, and you . . . So did you. Why didn’t you safe word, Anastasia?” His tone changes, becoming accusatory. What? Whoa—change of direction. I flush, blinking at him. “Answer me.” “I don’t know. I was overwhelmed. I was trying to be what you wanted me to be, trying to deal with the pain, and it went out of my mind. You know . . . I forgot,” I whisper ashamed, and I shrug apologetically. Jeez, perhaps we could have avoided all this heartache. “You forgot!” he gasps with horror, grabbing the sides of the table and glaring at me. I wither under his stare. Shit! He’s furious again. My inner goddess glares at me, too. See, you brought all this on yourself! “How can I trust you?” he says, his voice low. “Ever?” The waiter arrives with our wine as we sit staring at each other, blue eyes to gray. Both of us filled with unspoken recriminations, while the waiter removes the cork with an unnecessary flourish and pours a little wine into Christian’s glass. Automatically Christian reaches out and takes a sip. “That’s fine.” His voice is curt. Gingerly the waiter fills our glasses, placing the bottle on the table before beating a hasty retreat. Christian has not taken his eyes off me the whole time. I am the first to crack, breaking eye contact, picking up my glass and taking a large gulp. I barely taste it. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, suddenly feeling stupid. I left because I thought we were incompatible, but he’s saying I could have stopped him? “Sorry for what?” he says alarmed. “Not using the safe word.” He closes his eyes, as if in relief. “We might have avoided all this suffering,” he mutters. “You look fine.” More than fine. You look like you. “Appearances can be deceptive,” he says quietly. “I’m anything but fine. I feel like the sun has set and not risen for five days, Ana. I’m in perpetual night here.” I’m winded by his admission. Oh my, like me. “You said you’d never leave, yet the going gets tough and you’re out the door.” “When did I say I’d never leave?” “In your sleep. It was the most comforting thing I’d heard in so long, Anastasia. It made me relax.” My heart constricts and I reach for my wine. “You said you loved me,” he whispers. “Is that now in the past tense?” His voice is low, laced with anxiety. “No, Christian, it’s not.” He gazes at me, and he looks so vulnerable as he exhales. “Good,” he murmurs. I’m shocked by his admission. He’s had a change of heart. When I told him I loved him before, he was horrified. The waiter is back. Briskly he places our plates in front of us and scuttles away. Holy hell. Food. “Eat,” Christian commands. Deep down I know I’m hungry, but right now, my stomach is in knots. Sitting across from the only man I have ever loved and debating our uncertain future does not promote a healthy appetite. I look dubiously at my food. “So help me God, Anastasia, if you don’t eat, I will take you across my knee here in this restaurant, and it will have nothing to do with my sexual gratification. Eat!” Jeez, keep your hair on, Grey. My subconscious stares at me over her half-moon specs. She is wholeheartedly in agreement with Fifty Shades. “Okay, I’ll eat. Stow your twitching palm, please.” He doesn’t smile but continues to glare at me. Reluctantly I lift my knife and fork and slice into my steak. Oh, it’s mouthwateringly good. I am hungry, really hungry. I chew and he visibly relaxes. We eat our supper in silence. The music’s changed. A soft-voiced woman sings in the background, her words echoing my thoughts. I glance at Fifty. He’s eating and watching me. Hunger, longing, anxiety combined in one hot look. “Do you know who’s singing?” I try for some normal conversation. Christian pauses and listens. “No . . . but she’s good, whoever she is.” “I like her, too.” Finally he smiles his private enigmatic smile. What’s he planning? “What?” I ask. He shakes his head. “Eat up,” he says mildly. I have eaten half the food on my plate. I cannot eat any more. How can I negotiate this? “I can’t manage any more. Have I eaten enough for Sir?” He stares at me impassively, not answering, then glances at his watch. “I am really full,” I add, taking a sip of the delicious wine. “We have to go shortly. Taylor’s here, and you have to be up for work in the morning.” “So do you.” “I function on a lot less sleep than you do, Anastasia. At least you’ve eaten something.” “Aren’t we going back via Charlie Tango?” “No, I thought I might have a drink. Taylor will collect us. Besides, this way I have you in the car all to myself for a few hours, at least. What can we do but talk?” Oh, that’s his plan. Christian summons the waiter to ask for the check, then picks up his Blackberry and makes a call. “We’re at Le Picotin, South West Third Avenue.” He hangs up. Jeez, he’s curt over the phone. “You’re very brusque with Taylor, in fact, with most people.” “I just get to the point quickly, Anastasia.” “You haven’t gotten to the point this evening. Nothing’s changed, Christian.” “I have a proposition for you.” “This started with a proposition.” “A different proposition.” The waiter returns, and Christian hands over his credit card without checking the bill. He gazes at me speculatively while the waiter swipes his card. Christian’s phone buzzes once, and he peers at it. He has a proposition? What now? A couple of scenarios run through my mind: kidnap, working for him. No, nothing makes sense. Christian finishes paying. “Come. Taylor’s outside.” We stand and he takes my hand. “I don’t want to lose you, Anastasia.” He kisses my knuckles tenderly, and the touch of his lips on my skin resonates throughout my body. Outside the Audi is waiting. Christian opens my door. Climbing in, I sink into the plush leather. He heads to the driver’s side, Taylor steps out of the car and they talk briefly. This isn’t their usual protocol. I’m curious. What are they talking about? Moments later, they both climb in, and I glance at Christian who’s wearing his impassive face as he stares ahead. I allow myself a brief moment to examine his godlike profile: straight nose, sculptured full lips, hair falling deliciously over his forehead. This divine man is surely not meant for me. Soft music suddenly fills the rear of the car, an orchestral piece that I don’t know, and Taylor pulls into the light traffic, heading for the I-5 and Seattle. Christian shifts to face me. “As I was saying, Anastasia, I have a proposition for you.” I glance nervously at Taylor. “Taylor can’t hear you,” Christian reassures me. “How?” “Taylor,” Christian calls. Taylor doesn’t respond. He calls again, still no response. Christian leans over and taps his shoulder. Taylor removes an ear bud I hadn’t noticed. “Yes, sir?” “Thank you, Taylor. It’s okay; resume your listening.” “Sir.” “Happy now? He’s listening to his iPod. Puccini. Forget he’s here. I do.” “Did you deliberately ask him to do that?” “Yes.” Oh. “Okay, your proposition?” Christian looks suddenly determined and businesslike. Holy shit. We’re negotiating a deal. I listen attentively. “Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?” My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak. “Kinky fuckery.” “I can’t believe you said that.” I glance nervously at Taylor. “Well, I did. Answer me,” he says calmly. I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me. “I like your kinky fuckery,” I whisper. “That’s what I thought. So what don’t you like?” Not being able to touch you. You enjoying my pain, the bite of the belt . . . “The threat of cruel and unusual punishment.” “What does that mean?” “Well, you have all those canes and whips and stuff in your playroom, and they frighten the living daylights out of me. I don’t want you to use them on me.” “Okay, so no whips or canes—or belts, for that matter,” he says sardonically. I gaze at him puzzled. “Are you attempting to redefine the hard limits?” “Not as such, I’m just trying to understand you, get a clearer picture of what you do and don’t like.” “Fundamentally, Christian, it’s your joy in inflicting pain on me that’s difficult for me to handle. And the idea that you’ll do it because I have crossed some arbitrary line.” “But it’s not arbitrary; the rules are written down.” “I don’t want a set of rules.” “None at all?” “No rules.” I shake my head, but my heart is in my mouth. Where is he going with this? “But you don’t mind if I spank you?” “Spank me with what?” “This.” He holds up his hand. I squirm uncomfortably. “No, not really. Especially with those silver balls . . .” Thank heavens it’s dark, my face is flaming and my voice trails off as I recall that night. Yeah . . . I’d do that again. He smirks at me. “Yes, that was fun.” “More than fun,” I mutter. “So you can deal with some pain.” I shrug. “Yes, I suppose.” Oh, where is he going with this? My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale. He strokes his chin, deep in thought. “Anastasia, I want to start again. Do the vanilla thing and then maybe, once you trust me more and I trust you to be honest and to communicate with me, we could move on and do some of the things that I like to do.” I stare at him, stunned, with no thoughts in my head at all—like a computer crash. He gazes at me anxiously, but I can’t see him clearly, as we’re shrouded in the Oregon darkness. It occurs to me, finally, this is it. He wants the light, but can I ask him to do this for me? And don’t I like the dark? Some dark, sometimes. Memories of the Thomas Tallis night drift invitingly through my mind. “But what about punishments?” “No punishments.” He shakes his head. “None.” “And the rules?” “No rules.” “None at all? But you have needs.” “I need you more, Anastasia. These last few days have been purgatory. All my instincts tell me to let you go, tell me I don’t deserve you. “Those photos the boy took . . . I can see how he sees you. You look so untroubled and beautiful, not that you’re not beautiful now, but here you sit. I see your pain. It’s hard knowing that I’m the one who has made you feel this way. “But I’m a selfish man. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office. You are exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, beguilingly innocent; the list is endless. I am in awe of you. I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.” My mouth goes dry. Holy shit. My subconscious nods with satisfaction. If that isn’t a declaration of love, I don’t know what is. And the words tumble out of me—a dam breached. “Christian, why do you think you have a dark soul? I would never say that. Sad maybe, but you’re a good man. I can see that . . . you’re generous, you’re kind, and you’ve never lied to me. And I haven’t tried very hard. “Last Saturday was such a shock to my system. It was my wake-up call. I realized that you’d been easy on me and that I couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. Then, after I left, it dawned on me that the physical pain you inflicted was not as bad as the pain of losing you. I do want to please you, but it’s hard.” “You please me all the time,” he whispers. “How often do I have to tell you that?” “I never know what you’re thinking. Sometimes you’re so closed off . . . like an island state. You intimidate me. That’s why I keep quiet. I don’t know which way your mood is going to go. It swings from north to south and back again in a nanosecond. It’s confusing and you won’t let me touch you, and I want to so much to show you how much I love you.” He blinks at me in the darkness, warily I think, and I can resist him no longer. I unbuckle my seatbelt and scramble into his lap, taking him by surprise, and take his head in my hands. “I love you, Christian Grey. And you’re prepared to do all this for me. I’m the one who is undeserving, and I’m just sorry that I can’t do all those things for you. Maybe with time . . . I don’t know . . . but yes, I accept your proposition. Where do I sign?” He snakes his arms around me and crushes me to him. “Oh, Ana,” he breathes as he buries his nose in my hair. We sit, our arms wrapped around each other, listening to the music—a soothing piano piece—mirroring the emotions in the car, the sweet tranquil calm after the storm. I snuggle into his arms, resting my head in the crook of his neck. He gently strokes my back. “Touching is a hard limit for me, Anastasia,” he whispers. “I know. I wish I understood why.” After a while, he sighs, and in a soft voice he says, “I had a horrific childhood. One of the crack whore’s pimps . . .” His voice trails off, and his body tenses as he recalls some unimaginable horror. “I can remember that,” he whispers, shuddering. Abruptly, my heart constricts as I remember the burn scars marring his skin. Oh, Christian. I tighten my arms around his neck. “Was she abusive? Your mother?” My voice is low and soft with unshed tears. “Not that I remember. She was neglectful. She didn’t protect me from her pimp.” He snorts. “I think it was me who looked after her. When she finally killed herself, it took four days for someone to raise the alarm and find us . . . I remember that.” I cannot contain my gasp of horror. Holy mother fuck. Bile rises in my throat. “That’s pretty fucked-up,” I whisper. “Fifty shades,” he murmurs. I turn my head and press my lips against his neck, seeking and offering solace as I imagine a small, dirty, gray-eyed boy lost and lonely beside the body of his dead mother. Oh, Christian. I breathe in his scent. He smells heavenly, my favorite fragrance in the entire world. He tightens his arms around me and kisses my hair, and I sit wrapped in his embrace as Taylor speeds into the night. When I wake, we’re driving through Seattle. “Hey,” Christian says softly. “Sorry,” I murmur as I sit up, blinking and stretching. I am still in his arms, on his lap. “I could watch you sleep forever, Ana.” “Did I say anything?” “No. We’re nearly at your place.” Oh? “We’re not going to yours?” “No.” I sit up and gaze at him. “Why not?” “Because you have work tomorrow.” “Oh.” I pout. He smirks at me. “Why, did you have something in mind?” I flush. “Well, maybe.” He chuckles. “Anastasia, I am not going to touch you again, not until you beg me to.” “What!” “So that you’ll start communicating with me. Next time we make love, you’re going to have to tell me exactly what you want in fine detail.” “Oh.” He shifts me off his lap as Taylor pulls up outside my apartment. Christian climbs out and holds the car door open for me. “I have something for you.” He moves to the back of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out a large gift-wrapped box. What the hell is this? “Open it when you get inside.” “You’re not coming in?” “No, Anastasia.” “So when will I see you?” “Tomorrow.” “My boss wants me to go for a drink with him tomorrow.” Christian’s face hardens. “Does he, now?” His voice is laced with latent menace. “To celebrate my first week,” I add quickly. “Where?” “I don’t know.” “I could pick you up from there.” “Okay . . . I’ll e-mail or text you.” “Good.” He walks me to the lobby door and waits while I dig my keys out of my purse. As I unlock the door, he leans forward and cups my chin, tilting my head back. His mouth hovers over mine, and closing his eyes, he runs a trail of kisses from the corner of my eye to the corner of my mouth. A small moan escapes my mouth as my insides melt and unfurl. “Until tomorrow,” he breathes. “Goodnight, Christian,” I whisper, and I hear the need in my voice. He smiles. “In you go,” he orders, and I walk through the lobby carrying my mysterious parcel. “Laters, baby,” he calls, then turns and with his easy grace, heads back to the car. Once in the apartment, I open the gift box and find my MacBook Pro laptop, the Blackberry, and another rectangular box. What is this? I unwrap the silver paper. Inside is a black, slim, leather case. Opening the case, I find an iPad. Holy shit . . . an iPad. A white card is resting on the screen with a message written in Christian’s handwriting: Holy cow. I have a Christian Grey mix-tape in the guise of a high-end iPad. I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it. Jack at the office has one, so I know how they work. I switch it on and gasp as the wallpaper image appears: a small model glider. Oh my. It’s the Blanik L23 I gave him, mounted on a glass stand and sitting on what I think is Christian’s desk at his office. I gape at it. He built it! He really did build it. I remember now he mentioned it in the note with the flowers. I’m reeling, and I know in that instant that he’s put a great deal of thought into this gift. I slide the arrow at the bottom of the screen to unlock it and gasp again. The background photograph is of Christian and me at my graduation in the marquee. It’s the one that appeared in the Seattle Times. Christian looks so handsome and I can’t help my facesplitting grin, as my inner goddess curls up hugging herself on her chaise longue—Yes, and he’s mine! With a swipe of my finger, the icons shift, and several new ones appear on the next screen. A Kindle app, iBooks, Words—whatever that is. Holy shit! The British Library? I touch the icon and a menu appears: Historical collection. Scrolling down, I select novels of tHe 18tH and 19tH century. Another menu. I tap on a title: The AmericAn by Henry James. A new window opens, offering me a scanned copy of the book to read. Holy crap—it’s an early edition, published in 1879, and it’s on my iPad! He’s bought me the British Library at a touch of a button. I exit quickly, knowing that I could be lost in this app for an eternity. I notice a “good food” app that makes me roll my eyes and smile at the same time, a news app, a weather app, but his note mentioned music. I go back to the main screen, hit the iPod icon and a playlist appears. I scroll through the songs, and the list makes me smile. Thomas Tallis— I’m not going to forget that in a hurry. I heard it twice, after all, while he flogged and fucked me. “Witchcraft.” My grin gets wider—dancing round the great room. The Bach Marcello piece—oh no, that’s way too sad for my mood right now. Hmm. Jeff Buckley—yeah, I’ve heard of him. Snow Patrol—my favorite band—and a song called “Principles of Lust” by Enigma. How Christian. I smirk. Another called “Possession” . . . oh yes, very Fifty Shades. And a few more I have never heard. Selecting a song that catches my eye, I press play. It’s called “Try” by Nellie Furtado. She starts to sing, and her voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me. I lie down on my bed. Does this mean Christian’s going to try? Try this new relationship? I drink in the lyrics, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand his turnaround. He missed me. I missed him. He must have some feelings for me. He must. This iPad, these songs, these apps—he cares. He really cares. My heart swells with hope. The song ends and tears spring to my eyes. I quickly scroll to another—“The Scientist” by Coldplay—one of Kate’s favorite bands. I know the track, but I’ve never really listened to the lyrics before. I close my eyes and let the words wash over and through me. My tears start to flow. I can’t stem them. If this isn’t an apology, what is it? Oh, Christian. Or is this an invitation? Will he answer my questions? Am I reading too much into this? I am probably reading too much into this. My subconscious nods at me, trying to hide her pity. I dash my tears away. I have to e-mail him to thank him. I leap off my bed to fetch the mean machine. Coldplay continues as I sit cross-legged on my bed. The Mac powers up and I log in. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: IPAD Date: June 9, 2011 23:56 To: Christian Grey You’ve made me cry again. I love the iPad. I love the songs. I love the British Library App. I love you. Thank you. Goodnight. Ana xx From: Christian Grey Subject: iPad Date: June 10, 2011 00:03 To: Anastasia Steele I’m glad you like it. I bought one for myself. Now, if I were there, I would kiss away your tears. But I’m not—so go to sleep. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. His response makes me smile, still so bossy, still so Christian. Will that change, too? And I realize in that moment that I hope not. I like him like this—commanding—as long as I can stand up to him without fear of punishment. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Mr. Grumpy Date: June 10, 2011 00:07 To: Christian Grey You sound your usual bossy and possibly tense, possibly grumpy self, Mr. Grey. I know something that could ease that. But then, you’re not here—you wouldn’t let me stay, and you expect me to beg . . . Dream on, Sir. Ana xx PS: I also note that you included the Stalker’s Anthem, “Every Breath You Take.” I do enjoy your sense of humor, but does Dr. Flynn know? From: Christian Grey Subject: Zen-Like Calm Date: June 10, 2011 00.10 To: Anastasia Steele My Dearest Miss Steele Spanking occurs in vanilla relationships, too, you know. Usually consensually and in a sexual context . . . but I am more than happy to make an exception. You’ll be relieved to know that Dr. Flynn also enjoys my sense of humor. Now, please go to sleep as you won’t get much tomorrow. Incidentally—you will beg, trust me. And I look forward to it. Christian Grey Tense CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Goodnight, Sweet Dreams Date: June 10, 2011 00:12 To: Christian Grey Well, since you ask so nicely, and I like your delicious threat, I shall curl up with the iPad that you have so kindly given me and fall asleep browsing in the British Library, listening to the music that says it for you. A xxx From: Christian Grey Subject: One more request Date: June 10, 2011 00:15 To: Anastasia Steele Dream of me. x Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. Dream of you, Christian Grey? Always. I change quickly into my pajamas, brush my teeth, and slip into bed. Putting my ear buds in, I pull the flattened Charlie Tango balloon from underneath my pillow and hug it to me. I am brimming with joy, a stupid, widemouthed grin on my face. What a difference a day can make. How am I ever going to sleep? Jos? Gonzalez starts to sing a soothing melody with a hypnotic guitar riff, and I drift slowly into sleep, marveling how the world has righted itself in one evening and wondering idly if I should make a playlist for Christian. The one good thing about being car-less is that on the bus on my way to work, I can plug my headphones into my iPad while it’s safely in my purse and listen to all the wonderful tunes Christian has given me. By the time I arrive at the office, I have the most ludicrous grin on my face. Jack glances up at me and does a double take. “Good morning, Ana. You look . . . radiant.” His remark flusters me. How inappropriate! “I slept well, thank you, Jack. Good morning.” His brow crinkles. “Can you read these for me and have reports on them by lunchtime, please?” He hands me four manuscripts. At my horrified expression, he adds, “Just first chapters.” “Sure,” I smile with relief, and he gives me a broad smile in return. I switch on the computer to start work, finishing my latte and eating a banana. There’s an e-mail from Christian. From: Christian Grey Subject: So Help Me . . . Date: June 10, 2011 08:05 To: Anastasia Steele I do hope you’ve had breakfast. I missed you last night. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Old books . . . Date: June 10, 2011 08:33 To: Christian Grey I am eating a banana as I type. I have not had breakfast for several days, so it is a step forward. I love the British Library App—I started rereading Robinson Crusoe . . . and of course, I love you. Now leave me alone—I am trying to work. Anastasia Steele Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP From: Christian Grey Subject: Is that all you’ve eaten? Date: June 10, 2011 08:36 To: Anastasia Steele You can do better than that. You’re going to need your energy for begging. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Pest Date: June 10, 2011 08:39 To: Christian Grey Mr. Grey—I am trying to work for a living—and it’s you that will be begging. Anastasia Steele Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP From: Christian Grey Subject: Bring it On! Date: June 10, 2011 08:36 To: Anastasia Steele Why Miss Steele, I love a challenge . . . Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. I sit grinning at the screen like an idiot. But I need to read these chapters for Jack and write reports on all of them. Placing the manuscripts on my desk, I begin. At lunchtime I head to the deli for a pastrami sandwich and listen to the playlist on my iPad. First up there’s Nitin Sawhney, some world music called “Homelands”—it’s good. Mr. Grey has an eclectic taste in music. I wander back, listening to a classical piece, Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Tallis by Vaughn Williams. Oh, Fifty has a sense of humor, and I love him for it. Will this stupid grin ever leave my face? The afternoon drags. I decide, in an unguarded moment, to e-mail Christian. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Bored . . . Date: June 10, 2011 16:05 To: Christian Grey Twiddling my thumbs. How are you? What are you doing? Anastasia Steele Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP From: Christian Grey Subject: Your thumbs Date: June 10, 2011 16:15 To: Anastasia Steele You should have come to work for me. You wouldn’t be twiddling your thumbs. I am sure I could put them to better use. In fact I can think of a number of options . . . I am doing the usual humdrum mergers and acquisitions. It’s all very dry. Your e-mails at SIP are monitored. Christian Grey Distracted CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. Oh shit. I had no idea. How the hell does he know? I scowl at the screen and quickly check the e-mails we’ve sent, deleting them as I do. Promptly at five thirty, Jack is at my desk. It is Dress-down Friday so he’s wearing jeans and a black shirt. He looks very casual. “Drink, Ana? We usually like to go for a quick one at the bar across the street.” “We?” I ask, hopeful. “Yeah, most of us go . . . you coming?” For some unknown reason, which I don’t want to examine too closely, relief floods through me. “I’d love to. What’s the bar called?” “50s.” “You’re kidding.” He looks at me oddly. “No. Some significance for you?” “No, sorry. I’ll join you over there.” “What would you like to drink?” “A beer please.” “Cool.” I make my way to the powder room and e-mail Christian from the Blackberry. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: You’ll Fit Right In Date: June 10, 2011 17:36 To: Christian Grey We are going to a bar called Fifty’s. The rich seam of humor that I could mine from this is endless. I look forward to seeing you there, Mr. Grey. A x From: Christian Grey Subject: Hazards Date: June 10, 2011 17:38 To: Anastasia Steele Mining is a very, very dangerous occupation. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Hazards? Date: June 10, 2011 17:40 To: Christian Grey And your point is? From: Christian Grey Subject: Merely . . . Date: June 10, 2011 17:42 To: Anastasia Steele Making an observation, Miss Steele. I’ll see you shortly. Sooners rather than laters, baby. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. I check myself in the mirror. What a difference a day can make. I have more color in my cheeks, and my eyes are shining. It’s the Christian Grey effect. A little e-mail sparring with him will do that to a girl. I grin at the mirror and straighten my pale blue shirt—the one Taylor bought me. I am wearing my favorite jeans today, too. Most of the women in the office wear either jeans or floaty skirts. I will need to invest in a floaty skirt or two. Perhaps I’ll do that this weekend and bank the check Christian gave me for Wanda, my Beetle. As I head out of the building, I hear my name called. “Miss Steele?” I turn expectantly, and an ashen young woman approaches me cautiously. She looks like a ghost—so pale and strangely blank. “Miss Anastasia Steele?” she repeats, and her features stay static even though she’s speaking. “Yes?” She stops, staring at me from about three feet away on the sidewalk, and I stare back, immobilized. Who is she? What does she want? “Can I help you?” I ask. How does she know my name? “No . . . I just wanted to look at you.” Her voice is eerily soft. Like me, she has dark hair that starkly contrasts with her fair skin. Her eyes are brown, like bourbon, but flat. There’s no life in them at all. Her beautiful face is pale, and etched with sorrow. “Sorry—you have me at a disadvantage,” I say politely, trying to ignore the warning tingle up my spine. On closer inspection, she looks odd, disheveled and uncared for. Her clothes are two sizes too big, including her designer trench coat. She laughs, a strange, discordant sound that only feeds my anxiety. “What do you have that I don’t?” she asks sadly. My anxiety turns to fear. “I’m sorry—who are you?” “Me? I’m nobody.” She lifts her arm to drag her hand through her shoulder length hair, and as she does, the sleeve of her trench coat rides up, revealing a soiled bandage around her wrist. Holy fuck. “Good day, Miss Steele.” Turning, she walks up the street as I stand rooted to the spot. I watch as her slight frame disappears from view, lost amongst the workers pouring out of their various offices. What was that about? Confused, I cross the street to the bar, trying to assimilate what has just happened, while my subconscious rears her ugly head and hisses at me—She has something to do with Christian. Fifty’s is a cavernous, impersonal bar with baseball pennants and posters hanging on the wall. Jack is at the bar with Elizabeth, Courtney the other commissioning editor, two guys from finance, and Claire from reception. She is wearing her trademark silver hooped earrings. “Hi, Ana!” Jack hands me a bottle of Bud. “Cheers . . . thank you,” I murmur, still shaken by my encounter with Ghost Girl. “Cheers.” We clink bottles, and he continues his conversation with Elizabeth. Claire smiles sweetly at me. “So, how has your first week been?” she asks. “Good, thank you. Everyone seems very friendly.” “You seem much happier today.” I flush. “It’s Friday,” I mutter quickly. “So—have you any plans this weekend?” My patented distraction technique works and I’m saved. Claire turns out to be one of seven kids, and she’s going to a big family get-together in Tacoma. She becomes quite animated, and I realize I haven’t spoken to any women my own age since Kate left for Barbados. Absently I wonder how Kate is . . . and Elliot. I must remember to ask Christian if he’s heard from him. Oh, and Ethan her brother will be back next Tuesday, and he’ll be staying in our apartment. I can’t imagine Christian is going to be happy about that. My earlier encounter with strange Ghost Girl slips further from my mind. During my conversation with Claire, Elizabeth hands me another beer. “Thanks,” I smile at her. Claire is very easy to talk to—she likes to talk—and before I know it, I am on my third beer, courtesy of one of the guys from finance. When Elizabeth and Courtney leave, Jack joins Claire and me. Where is Christian? One of the finance guys engages Claire in conversation. “Ana, think you made the right decision coming here?” Jack’s voice is soft, and he’s standing a bit too close. But I’ve noticed that he has a tendency to do this with everyone, even at the office. My subconscious narrows her eyes. You’re reading too much into this, she admonishes me. “I’ve enjoyed myself this week, thank you, Jack. Yes, I think I made the right decision.” “You’re a very bright girl, Ana. You’ll go far.” I blush. “Thank you,” I mutter, because I don’t know what else to say. “Do you live far?” “The Pike Market district.” “Not far from me.” Smiling, he moves even closer and leans against the bar, effectively trapping me. “Do you have any plans this weekend?” “Well . . . um—” I feel him before I see him. It’s as if my whole body is highly attuned to his presence. It relaxes and ignites at the same time—a weird, internal duality—and I sense that strange pulsing electricity. Christian drapes his arm around my shoulder in a seemingly casual display of affection—but I know differently. He is staking a claim, and on this occasion, it’s very welcome. Softly he kisses my hair. “Hello, baby,” he murmurs. I can’t help but feel relieved, safe, and excited with his arm around me. He draws me to his side, and I glance up at him while he stares at Jack, his expression impassive. Turning his attention to me, he gives me a brief crooked smile followed by a swift kiss. He’s wearing his navy pinstriped jacket over jeans and an open white shirt. He looks edible. Jack shuffles back uncomfortably. “Jack, this is Christian,” I mumble apologetically. Why am I apologizing? “Christian, Jack.” “I’m the boyfriend,” Christian says with a small, cool smile that doesn’t reach his eyes as he shakes Jack’s hand. I glance up at Jack who is mentally assessing the fine specimen of manhood in front of him. “I’m the boss,” Jack replies arrogantly. “Ana did mention an ex-boyfriend.” Oh, shit. You don’t want to play this game with Fifty. “Well, no longer ex,” Christian replies calmly. “Come on, baby, time to go.” “Please, stay and join us for a drink,” Jack says smoothly. I don’t think that’s a good idea. Why is this so uncomfortable? I glance at Claire, who is, of course staring, open-mouthed and with frankly carnal appreciation at Christian. When will I stop caring about the effect he has on other women? “We have plans,” Christian replies with his enigmatic smile. We do? And a frisson of anticipation runs through my body. “Another time, perhaps,” he adds. “Come,” he says to me as he takes my hand. “See you Monday.” I smile at Jack, Claire, and the guys from finance, trying hard to ignore Jack’s less-than-pleased expression, and follow Christian out of the door. Taylor is at the wheel of the Audi waiting at the curb. “Why did that feel like a pissing contest?” I ask Christian as he opens the car door for me. “Because it was,” he murmurs and gives me his enigmatic smile then shuts my door. “Hello, Taylor,” I say and our eyes meet in the review mirror. “Miss Steele,” Taylor acknowledges with a genial smile. Christian slides in beside me, clasps my hand, and gently kisses my knuckles. “Hi,” he says softly. My cheeks turn pink, knowing that Taylor can hear us, grateful that he can’t see the scorching, panty-combusting look that Christian is giving me. It takes all my self-restraint not to leap on him right here, in the back seat of the car. Oh, the back seat of the car . . . hmm. My inner goddess strokes her chin gently in quiet contemplation. “Hi,” I breathe, my mouth dry. “What would you like to do this evening?” “I thought you said we had plans.” “Oh, I know what I’d like to do, Anastasia. I’m asking you what you want to do.” I beam at him. “I see,” he says with a wickedly salacious grin. “So . . . begging it is, then. Do you want to beg at my place or yours?” He tilts his head to one side and smiles his oh-so-sexy smile at me. “I think you’re being very presumptuous, Mr. Grey. But by way of a change, we could go to my apartment.” I bite my lip deliberately, and his expression darkens. “Taylor, Miss Steele’s, please.” “Sir,” Taylor acknowledges and he heads off into the traffic. “So how has your day been?” he asks. “Good. Yours?” “Good, thank you.” His ridiculously broad grin reflects mine, and he kisses my hand again. “You look lovely,” he says. “As do you.” “Your boss, Jack Hyde, is he good at his job?” Whoa! That’s a sudden change in direction? I frown. “Why? This isn’t about your pissing contest?” Christian smirks. “That man wants into your panties, Anastasia,” he says dryly. I go crimson as my mouth drops open, and I glance nervously at Taylor. My subconscious inhales sharply, shocked. “Well, he can want all he likes . . . why are we even having this conversation? You know I have no interest in him whatsoever. He’s just my boss.” “That’s the point. He wants what’s mine. I need to know if he’s good at his job.” I shrug. “I think so.” Where is he going with this? “Well, he’d better leave you alone, or he’ll find himself on his ass on the sidewalk.” “Oh, Christian, what are you talking about? He hasn’t done anything wrong.” . . .Yet. He just stands too close. “He makes one move, you tell me. It’s called gross moral turpitude—or sexual harassment.” “It was just a drink after work.” “I mean it. One move and he’s out.” “You don’t have that kind of power.” Honestly! And before I roll my eyes at him, the realization hits me with the force of a speeding freight truck. “Do you, Christian?” Christian gives me his enigmatic smile. “You’re buying the company,” I whisper in horror. His smile slips in response to the panic in my voice. “Not exactly,” he says. “You’ve bought it. SIP. Already.” He blinks at me, warily. “Possibly.” “You have or you haven’t?” “Have.” What the hell? “Why?” I gasp, appalled. Oh, this just is too much. “Because I can, Anastasia. I need you safe.” “But you said you wouldn’t interfere in my career!” “And I won’t.” I snatch my hand out of his. “Christian . . .” Words fail me. “Are you mad at me?” “Yes. Of course I’m mad at you.” I seethe. “I mean, what kind of responsible business executive makes decisions based on who they are currently fucking?” I blanch and glance nervously once more at Taylor who is stoically ignoring us. Shit. What a time to have a brain-to-mouth filter malfunction. Anastasia! My subconscious glares at me. Christian opens his mouth then closes it again and scowls at me. I glare at him. The atmosphere in the car plunges from warm with sweet reunion to frigid with unspoken words and potential recriminations as we glower at each other. Fortunately, our uncomfortable car journey doesn’t last long, and Taylor pulls up outside my apartment. I scramble out of the car quickly, not waiting for anyone to open the door. I hear Christian mutter to Taylor, “I think you’d better wait here.” I sense him standing close behind me as I struggle to find the front door keys in my purse. “Anastasia,” he says calmly as if I’m some cornered wild animal. I sigh and turn to face him. I am so mad at him, my anger is palpable—a dark entity threatening to choke me. “First, I haven’t fucked you for a while—a long while, it feels—and second, I wanted to get into publishing. Of the four companies in Seattle, SIP is the most profitable, but it’s on the cusp and it’s going to stagnate—it needs to branch out.” I stare frigidly at him. His eyes are so intense, threatening even, but sexy as hell. I could get lost in their steely depths. “So you’re my boss now,” I snap. “Technically, I’m your boss’s boss’s boss.” “And, technically, it’s gross moral turpitude—the fact that I am fucking my boss’s boss’s boss.” “At the moment, you’re arguing with him.” Christian scowls. “That’s because he’s such an arse,” I hiss. Christian steps back in stunned surprise. Oh shit. Have I gone too far? “An arse?” he murmurs as his expression changes to one of amusement. Goddamn it! I am mad at you, do not make me laugh! “Yes.” I struggle to maintain my look of moral outrage. “An arse?” Christian says again. This time his lips twitch with a repressed smile. “Don’t make me laugh when I am mad at you!” I shout. And he smiles, a dazzling, full-toothed, all-American-boy smile, and I can’t help it. I am grinning and laughing, too. How could I not be affected by the joy I see in his smile? “Just because I have a stupid damn grin on my face doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell at you,” I mutter breathlessly, trying to suppress my high-school-cheerleader giggling. Though I was never cheerleader—the bitter thought crosses my mind. He leans in, and I think he’s going to kiss me but he doesn’t. He nuzzles my hair and inhales deeply. “As ever, Miss Steele, you are unexpected.” He leans back and gazes at me, his eyes dancing with humor. “So are you going to invite me in, or am I to be sent packing for exercising my democratic right as an American citizen, entrepreneur, and consumer to purchase whatever I damn well please?” “Have you spoken to Dr. Flynn about this?” He laughs. “Are you going to let me in or not, Anastasia?” I try for a grudging look—biting my lip helps—but I’m smiling as I open the door. Christian turns and waves to Taylor, and the Audi pulls away. It’s odd having Christian Grey in the apartment. The place feels too small for him. I am still mad at him—his stalking knows no bounds, and it dawns on me that this is how he knew about the e-mail being monitored at SIP. He probably knows more about SIP than I do. The thought is unsavory. What can I do? Why does he have this need to keep me safe? I am a grown-up—sort of—for heaven’s sake. What can I do to reassure him? I gaze at his beautiful face as he paces the room like a caged predator, and my anger subsides. Seeing him here in my space when I thought we were over is heartwarming. More than heartwarming, I love him, and my heart swells with a nervous, heady elation. He glances around, assessing his surroundings. “Nice place,” he says. “Kate’s parents bought it for her.” He nods distractedly, and his bold gray eyes come to rest on mine, staring at me. “Er . . . would you like a drink?” I mutter, flushing with nerves. “No, thank you, Anastasia.” His eyes darken. Oh crap. Why am I so nervous? “What would you like to do, Anastasia?” he asks softly as he walks toward me, all feral and hot. “I know what I want to do,” he adds in a low voice. I back up until I bump against the concrete kitchen island. “I’m still mad at you.” “I know.” He smiles a lopsided apologetic smile and I melt . . . Well, maybe not so mad. “Would you like something to eat?” I ask. He nods slowly. “Yes. You,” he murmurs. Everything south of my waistline clenches. I’m seduced by his voice alone, but that look, that hungry I-want-you-now look—oh my. He’s standing in front of me, not quite touching, staring down into my eyes and bathing me in the heat that’s radiating off his body. I’m stiflingly hot, flustered, and my legs are like jelly as dark desire courses through me. I want him. “Have you eaten today?” he murmurs. “I had a sandwich at lunch,” I whisper. I don’t want to talk food. He narrows his eyes. “You need to eat.” “I’m really not hungry right now . . . for food.” “What are you hungry for, Miss Steele?” “I think you know, Mr. Grey.” He leans down, and again I think he’s going to kiss me, but he doesn’t. “Do you want me to kiss you, Anastasia?” he whispers softly in my ear. “Yes,” I breathe. “Where?” “Everywhere.” “You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that. I told you I am not going to touch you until you beg me and tell me what to do.” My inner goddess is writhing on her chaise longue. I am lost; he’s not playing fair. “Please,” I whisper. “Please what?” “Touch me.” “Where, baby?” He is so tantalizingly close, his scent intoxicating. I reach up, and immediately he steps back. “No, no,” he chides, his eyes suddenly wide and alarmed. “What?” No . . . come back. “No.” He shakes his head. “Not at all?” I can’t keep the longing out of my voice. He looks at me uncertainly, and I’m emboldened by his hesitation. I step toward him, and he steps back, holding up his hands in defense, but smiling. “Look, Ana.” It’s a warning, and he runs his hand through his hair, exasperated. “Sometimes you don’t mind,” I observe plaintively. “Perhaps I should find a marker pen, and we could map out the no-go areas.” He raises an eyebrow. “That’s not a bad idea. Where’s your bedroom?” I nod in the direction. Is he deliberately changing the subject? “Have you been taking your pill?” Oh shit. My pill. His face falls at my expression. “No,” I squeak. “I see,” he says, and his lips press into a thin line. “Come, let’s have something to eat.” Oh no! “I thought we were going to bed! I want to go to bed with you.” “I know, baby.” He smiles, and suddenly darting toward me, he grabs my wrists and pulls me into his arms so that his body is pressed against mine. “You need to eat and so do I,” he murmurs, burning gray eyes gazing down at me. “Besides . . . anticipation is the key to seduction, and right now, I’m really into delayed gratification.” Huh, since when? “I’m seduced and I want my gratification now. I’ll beg, please.” I sound whiney. My inner goddess is beside herself. He smiles at me tenderly. “Eat. You’re too slender.” He kisses my forehead and releases me. This is a game, part of some evil plan. I scowl at him. “I’m still mad that you bought SIP, and now I am mad at you because you’re making me wait.” I pout. “You are one angry little madam, aren’t you? You’ll feel better after a good meal.” “I know what I’ll feel better after.” “Anastasia Steele, I’m shocked.” His tone is gently mocking. “Stop teasing me. You don’t fight fair.” He stifles his grin by biting his lower lip. He looks simply adorable . . . playful Christian toying with my libido. If only my seduction skills were better, I’d know what to do, but not being able to touch him does hamper me. My inner goddess narrows her eyes and looks thoughtful. We need to work on this. As Christian and I gaze at each other—me hot, bothered and yearning and him, relaxed and amused at my expense—I realize I have no food in the apartment. “I could cook something—except we’ll have to go shopping.” “Shopping?” “For groceries.” “You have no food here?” His expression hardens. I shake my head. Crap, he looks quite angry. “Let’s go shopping, then,” he says sternly as he turns on his heel and heads for the door, opening it wide for me. “When was the last time you were in a supermarket?” Christian looks out of place, but he follows me dutifully, holding a shopping basket. “I can’t remember.” “Does Mrs. Jones do all the shopping?” “I think Taylor helps her. I’m not sure.” “Are you happy with a stir-fry? It’s quick.” “Stir-fry sounds good.” Christian grins, no doubt figuring out my ulterior motive for a speedy meal. “Have they worked for you long?” “Taylor, four years, I think. Mrs. Jones about the same. Why didn’t you have any food in the apartment?” “You know why,” I murmur, flushing. “It was you who left me,” he mutters disapprovingly. “I know,” I reply in a small voice, not wanting that reminder. We reach the checkout and silently stand in line. If I hadn’t left, would he have offered the vanilla alternative? I wonder idly. “Do you have anything to drink?” He pulls me back to the present. “Beer . . . I think.” “I’ll get some wine.” Oh dear. I’m not sure what sort of wine is available in Ernie’s Supermarket. Christian remerges empty handed, grimacing with a look of disgust. “There’s a good liquor store next door,” I say quickly. “I’ll see what they have.” Maybe we should just go to his place, then we wouldn’t have all this hassle. I watch as he strolls purposefully and with easy grace out of the door. Two women coming in stop and stare. Oh yes, eye my Fifty Shades, I think despondently. I want the memory of him in my bed, but he’s playing hard to get. Maybe I should, too. My inner goddess nods frantically in agreement. And as I stand in line, we come up with a plan. Hmm . . . Christian carries the grocery bags into the apartment. He’s carried them as we’ve walked back to the apartment from the store. He looks odd. Not his usual CEO demeanor at all. “You look very—domestic.” “No one has ever accused me of that before,” he says dryly. He places the bags on the kitchen island. As I start to unload them, he takes out a bottle of white wine and searches for a corkscrew. “This place is still new to me. I think the opener is in that drawer there.” I point with my chin. This feels so . . . normal. Two people, getting to know each other, having a meal. Yet it’s so strange. The fear that I’d always felt in his presence has gone. We’ve already done so much together, I blush just thinking about it, and yet I hardly know him. “What are you thinking about?” Christian interrupts my reverie as he shrugs out of his pinstripe jacket and places it on the couch. “How little I know you, really.” He gazes at me and his eyes soften. “You know me better than anyone.” “I don’t think that’s true.” Mrs. Robinson comes unbidden, and very unwelcome, into my mind. “It is, Anastasia. I am a very, very private person.” He hands me a glass of white wine. “Cheers,” he says. “Cheers,” I respond taking a sip as he puts the bottle in the fridge. “Can I help you with that?” he asks. “No it’s fine . . . sit.” “I’d like to help.” His expression is sincere. “You can chop the vegetables.” “I don’t cook,” he says, regarding the knife I hand him with suspicion. “I imagine you don’t need to.” I place a chopping board and some red peppers in front of him. He stares down at them in confusion. “You’ve never chopped a vegetable?” “No.” I smirk at him. “Are you smirking at me?” “It appears this is something that I can do and you can’t. Let’s face it, Christian, I think this is a first. Here, I’ll show you.” I brush up against him and he steps back. My inner goddess sits up and takes notice. “Like this.” I slice the red pepper, careful to remove the seeds. “Looks simple enough.” “You shouldn’t have any trouble with it,” I mutter ironically. He gazes at me impassively for a moment then sets about his task as I continue to prepare the diced chicken. He starts to slice, carefully, slowly. Oh my, we’ll be here all day. I wash my hands and hunt for the wok, the oil, and the other ingredients I need, repeatedly brushing against him—my hip, my arm, my back, my hands. Small, seemingly innocent touches. He stills each time I do. “I know what you’re doing, Anastasia,” he murmurs darkly, still preparing the first pepper. “I think it’s called cooking,” I say, fluttering my eyelashes. Grabbing another knife, I join him at the chopping board peeling and slicing garlic, shallots, and French beans, continually bumping against him. “You’re quite good at this,” he mutters as he starts on his second red pepper. “Chopping?” I bat my eyelashes at him. “Years of practice.” I brush against him again, this time with my behind. He stills once more. “If you do that again, Anastasia, I am going to take you on the kitchen floor.” Oh, wow. It’s working. “You’ll have to beg me first.” “Is that a challenge?” “Maybe.” He puts down his knife and saunters slowly over to me, his eyes burning. Leaning past me, he switches the gas off. The oil in the wok quiets almost immediately. “I think we’ll eat later,” he says. “Put the chicken in the fridge.” This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian Grey, and only he can make it sound hot, really hot. I pick up the bowl of diced chicken, rather shakily place a plate on top of it, and stow it in the fridge. When I turn back, he’s beside me. “So you’re going to beg?” I whisper, bravely gazing into his darkening eyes. “No, Anastasia.” He shakes his head. “No begging.” His voice is soft, seductive. And we stand staring at each other, drinking each other in—the atmosphere charging between us, almost crackling, neither saying anything, just looking. I bite my lip as desire for this beautiful man seizes me with a vengeance, igniting my blood, shallowing my breath, pooling below my waist. I see my reactions reflected in his stance, in his eyes. In a beat, he grabs me by my hips and pulls me to him as my hands reach for his hair and his mouth claims me. He pushes me against the fridge, and I hear the vague protesting rattle of bottles and jars from within as his tongue finds mine. I moan into his mouth, and one of his hands moves into my hair, pulling my head back as we kiss, savagely. “What do you want, Anastasia?” he breathes. “You.” I gasp. “Where?” “Bed.” He breaks free, scoops me into his arms, and carries me quickly and seemingly without any strain into my bedroom. Setting me on my feet beside my bed, he leans down and switches on my bedside lamp. He glances quickly round the room and hastily closes the pale cream curtains. “Now what?” he says softly. “Make love to me.” “How?” Jeez. “You have got to tell me, baby.” Holy crap. “Undress me.” I am panting already. He smiles and hooks his index finger into my open shirt, pulling me toward him. “Good girl,” he murmurs, and without taking his blazing eyes off mine, slowly starts to unbutton my shirt. Tentatively I put my hands on his arms to steady myself. He doesn’t complain. His arms are a safe area. When he’s finished with the buttons, he pulls my shirt over my shoulders, and I let go of him to let the shirt fall to the floor. He reaches down to the waistband of my jeans, pops the button, and pulls down the zipper. “Tell me what you want, Anastasia.” His eyes smolder and his lips part as he takes quick shallow breaths. “Kiss me from here to here,” I whisper trailing my finger from the base of my ear, down my throat. He smoothes my hair out of the line of fire and bends, leaving sweet soft kisses along the path my finger took and then back again. “My jeans and panties,” I murmur, and he smiles against my throat before he drops to his knees in front of me. Oh, I feel so powerful. Hooking his thumbs into my jeans, he gently pulls them and my panties down my legs. I step out of my pumps and my clothes so that I’m left wearing only my bra. He stops and looks up at me expectantly, but he doesn’t get up. “What now, Anastasia?” “Kiss me,” I whisper. “Where?” “You know where.” “Where?” Oh, he’s taking no prisoners. Embarrassed I quickly point at the apex of my thighs, and he grins wickedly. I close my eyes, mortified, but at the same time beyond aroused. “Oh, with pleasure,” he chuckles. He kisses me and unleashes his tongue, his joyinspiring expert tongue. I groan and fist my hands into his hair. He doesn’t stop, his tongue circling my clitoris, driving me insane, on and on, round and round. Ahhh . . . it’s only been . . . how long . . . ? Oh . . . “Christian, please,” I beg. I don’t want to come standing up. I don’t have the strength. “Please what, Anastasia?” “Make love to me.” “I am,” he murmurs, gently blowing against me. “No. I want you inside me.” “Are you sure?” “Please.” He doesn’t stop his sweet, exquisite torture. I moan loudly. “Christian . . . please.” He stands and gazes down at me, and his lips glisten with the evidence of my arousal. Holy cow . . . “Well?” he asks. “Well what?” I pant, staring up at him in frantic need. “I’m still dressed.” I gape at him in confusion. Undress him? Yes, I can do this. I reach for his shirt and he steps back. “Oh no,” he admonishes. Shit, he means his jeans. Oh, and this gives me an idea. My inner goddess cheers loudly to the rafters, and I drop to my knees in front of him. Rather clumsily and with shaking fingers, I undo his waistband and fly, then yank down his jeans and boxers, and he springs free. Wow. I peek up at him through my lashes, and he’s gazing at me with . . . what? Trepidation? Awe? Surprise? He steps out of his jeans and pulls off his socks, and I take hold of him in my hand and squeeze tightly, pushing my hand back like he’s shown me before. He groans and tenses, and his breath hisses through clenched teeth. Very tentatively, I put him in my mouth and suck—hard. Mmm, he tastes good. “Ahh. Ana . . . whoa, gently.” He cups my head tenderly, and I push him deeper into my mouth, pressing my lips together as tightly as I can, sheathing my teeth, and sucking hard. “Fuck,” he hisses. Oh, that’s a good, inspiring, sexy sound, so I do it again, pulling his length deeper, swirling my tongue around the end. Hmm . . . I feel like Aphrodite. “Ana, that’s enough. No more.” I do it again—Beg, Grey, beg—and again. “Ana, you’ve made your point,” he grunts through gritted teeth. “I do not want to come in your mouth.” I do it once more, and he bends down, grasps me by my shoulders, hauls me to my feet, and tosses me on the bed. Dragging his shirt over his head, he then reaches down to his discarded jeans, and like a good boy scout, produces a foil packet. He’s panting, like me. “Take your bra off,” he orders. I sit up and do as I’m told. “Lie down. I want to look at you.” I lie down, gazing up at him as he slowly rolls the condom on. I want him so badly. He stares down at me and licks his lips. “You are a fine sight, Anastasia Steele.” He bends over the bed and slowly crawls up and over me, kissing me as he goes. He kisses each of my breasts and teases my nipples in turn, while I groan and writhe beneath him, and he doesn’t stop. No . . . Stop. I want you. “Christian, please.” “Please what?” he murmurs between my breasts. “I want you inside me.” “Do you now?” “Please.” Gazing at me, he pushes my legs apart with his and moves so that he’s hovering above me. Without taking his eyes off mine, he sinks into me at a deliciously slow pace. I close my eyes, relishing the fullness, the exquisite feeling of his possession, instinctively tilting my pelvis up to meet him, to join with him, groaning loudly. He eases back and very slowly fills me again. My fingers find their way into his silken unruly hair, and he oh-so-slowly moves in and out again. “Faster, Christian, faster . . . please.” He gazes down at me in triumph and kisses me hard, then really starts to move—holy cow, a punishing, relentless . . . oh fuck—and I know it will not be long. He sets a pounding rhythm. I start to quicken, my legs tensing beneath him. “Come on, baby,” he gasps. “Give it to me.” His words are my undoing, and I explode, magnificently, mind-numbingly, into a million pieces around him, and he follows calling out my name. “Ana! Oh fuck, Ana!” He collapses on top of me, his head buried in my neck. As sanity returns, I open my eyes and gaze up into the face of the man I love. Christian’s expression is soft, tender. He strokes his nose against mine, bearing his weight on his elbows, his hands holding mine by the side of my head. Sadly, I suspect that’s so I don’t touch him. He plants a gentle kiss on my lips as he eases himself out of me. “I’ve missed this,” he breathes. “Me too,” I whisper. He takes hold of my chin and kisses me hard. A passionate, beseeching kiss, asking for what? I don’t know. It leaves me breathless. “Don’t leave me again,” he implores, looking deep into my eyes, his face serious. “Okay,” I whisper and smile at him. His answering smile is dazzling; relief, elation, and boyish delight combined into one enchanting look that would melt the coldest of hearts. “Thank you for the iPad.” “You are most welcome, Anastasia.” “What’s your favorite song on there?” “Now that would be telling.” He grins. “Come cook me some food, wench. I’m famished,” he adds, sitting up suddenly and dragging me with him. “Wench?” I giggle. “Wench. Food, now, please.” “Since you ask so nicely, sire, I’ll get right on to it.” As I scramble out of bed, I dislodge my pillow, revealing the deflated helicopter balloon underneath. Christian reaches for it and gazes up at me, puzzled. “That’s my balloon,” I say, feeling proprietary as I reach for my robe and wrap it round myself. Oh jeez . . . why did he have to find that? “In your bed?” he murmurs. “Yes,” I flush. “It’s been keeping me company.” “Lucky Charlie Tango,” he says, in surprise. Yes, I’m sentimental, Grey, because I love you. “My balloon,” I say again and turn on my heel and head out to the kitchen, leaving him grinning from ear to ear. Christian and I sit on Kate’s persian rug, eating stir-fry chicken and noodles from white china bowls with chopsticks and sipping chilled white Pinot Grigio. Christian leans against the couch, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He’s wearing his jeans and his shirt with his just-fucked hair, and that’s all. The Buena Vista Social Club croons softly in the background from Christian’s iPod. “This is good,” he says appreciatively as he digs into his food. I sit cross-legged beside him, eating greedily, beyond hungry, and admire his naked feet. “I usually do all the cooking. Kate isn’t a great cook.” “Did you your mother teach you?” “Not really,” I scoff. “By the time I was interested in learning, my mom was living with Husband Number Three in Mansfield, Texas. And Ray, well, he would’ve lived on toast and takeout if it wasn’t for me.” Christian gazes down at me. “You didn’t stay in Texas with your mom?” “No. Steve, her husband and I, we didn’t get along. And I missed Ray. Her marriage to Steve didn’t last long. She came to her senses, I think. She never talks about him,” I add quietly. I think that’s a dark part of her life, which we’ve never discussed. “So you came back to Washington to live with your stepfather.” “Yes.” “Sounds like you looked after him,” he says softly. “I suppose.” I shrug. “You’re used to taking care of people.” The edge in his voice attracts my attention, and I glance up at him. “What is it?” I ask, startled by his wary expression. “I want to take care of you.” His luminous eyes glow with some unnamed emotion. My heart rate spikes. “I’ve noticed,” I whisper. “You just go about it in a strange way.” His brow creases. “It’s the only way I know how,” he says quietly. “I’m still mad at you for buying SIP.” He smiles. “I know but you being mad, baby, wouldn’t stop me.” “What am I going to say to my work colleagues, to Jack?” He narrows his eyes. “That fucker better watch himself.” “Christian!” I admonish. “He’s my boss.” Christian’s mouth presses into a hard line. He looks like a recalcitrant schoolboy. “Don’t tell them,” he says. “Don’t tell them what?” “That I own it. The heads of agreement was signed yesterday. The news is embargoed for four weeks while the management at SIP makes some changes.” “Oh . . . will I be out of a job?” I ask, alarmed. “I sincerely doubt it,” Christian says wryly, trying to stifle his smile. I scowl. “If I leave and find another job, will you buy that company, too?” “You’re not thinking of leaving, are you?” His expression alters, wary once more. “Possibly. I’m not sure you’ve given me a great deal of choice.” “Yes, I will buy that company, too.” He is adamant. I scowl at him again. I am in a no-win situation here. “Don’t you think you’re being a tad overprotective?” “Yes. I am fully aware of how this looks.” “Paging Dr. Flynn,” I murmur. He puts down his empty bowl and gazes at me impassively. I sigh. I don’t want to fight. Standing up, I reach for his bowl. “Would you like dessert?” “Now you’re talking!” he says, giving me a lascivious grin. “Not me.” Why not me? My inner goddess wakes from her doze and sits upright, all ears. “We have ice cream. Vanilla.” I snicker. “Really?” Christian’s grin gets bigger. “I think we could do something with that.” What? I stare at him dumbfounded as he gracefully gets to his feet. “Can I stay?” he asks. “What do you mean?” “The night.” “I assumed that you were.” I flush. “Good. Where’s the ice cream?” “In the oven.” I smile sweetly at him. He cocks his head to one side, sighs, and shakes his head at me. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele.” His eyes glitter. Oh shit. What’s he planning? “I could still take you across my knee.” I place the bowls in the sink. “Do you have those silver ball things?” He pats his hands down his chest, belly, and the pockets of his jeans. “Funnily enough, I don’t carry a spare set around with me. Not much call for them in the office.” “I am very glad to hear it, Mr. Grey, and I thought you said that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit.” “Well, Anastasia, my new motto is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” I gape at him—I can’t believe he’s just said that—and he looks sickeningly pleased with himself as he grins at me. Turning, he opens the freezer and takes out the carton of Ben