[Music]
[Man] This is the one you've been waiting for.
The state's two most dangerous hitters facing off
in the one and only Killerfornia Battle League.
X-Trakt versus Behn Grym.
And this ain't finna be no Increase the Peace rap --
they gon' talk about shootin' the motherfucker,
killin' a motherfucker
and fuckin' the motherfucker's bitch.
This battle might just spike the murder rate
more than Reagan inventing crack cocaine.
So if you ain't with that,
turn this shit off and suck a dick!
They like: "Yo, X-Trakt, why you always talk about
the thugs and the TECS, the slugs and the Feds,
the drugs and the checks I give 'em a 360,
shrug to the neck
Like, this is battle rap, motherfucker,
what you expect?
I don't care if he was lean sipper or you sippin' at me
look at my team squeeze triggers,
blow his guts out, see if he got a clean liver.
Boy, you look mad fake
like them high-frame-rate TV pictures.
You think you Behn Grym, I'll leave him stretched out,
you Reed Richards!
Fantastic Four when I let the palm cock.
When I let The Thing go "pop pop,"
you can tell that he ain't a hard rock.
Adam.
What did that one mean?
It's a superhero line.
The other guy's name is Behn Grym,
which is The Thing's alter ego from Fantastic Four.
Reed Richards is the leader of the group,
the stretchy guy.
Yeah, that part I got.
What's the other meaning?.
He was "letting go" of a "thing."
What's the thing?
It's a gun.
It's a gun metaphor.
Probably just assume everything is a gun metaphor.
Mmm.
And I'll kill anybody on this artist stage.
Y'all know my slogan: get this trash outta here,
IT'S GARBAGE DAY!!!
[Crowd cheering]
What you gonna do, Grym?
He just called you garbage, what you gonna do?
You said you got the thing on you...
where's it at?
Is it there?
Is it here?
I guess they must call your gun "Sue Storm,"
'cause that bitch just disappeared.
So he should Do the Right Thing and walk away
before I beat him to death.
'Cause he gon' feel the Hate in these punches,
I'm Radio Raheem with the left!
This motherfucker go online and Google "food porn",
as it's known to you -- porn.
You so fat when you tuck a gun in your waist,
you need to use a fuckin' shoe horn.
Uh-uh.
I'm going take it past rap, catch him not looking and
drain the MAC fast.
The way I Blind Sided this fat nigga,
Sandra Bullock couldn't save his black ass!
Yeah, that's right, you used to be the shit,
but lately X fell in tiers.
It's the same as you outgrowing your shirt sizes --
we ain't seen X excel (XXL) in years!
Why does he keep saying "X" so much?
He's doing name flips.
The guy's name is X-Trakt.
Thus the "X" bars...
"Bars?"
It comes from the music term.
Like a bar of music.
Except in battle rap it has a specific connotation --
a bar instead of a line.
And the difference is?
It's hard to explain...
More wordplay?
Most bars are based on homophones --
"X excel, XXL."
Oh, so if there's a homophobe,
it's a bar.
Homophone.
And your baby moms only with you
to collect those checks, bro.
He be givin' way more than just hugs and kisses
to the ex-ho X owe.
Aight.
You wifed up a slut who gets piped down religiously
like she some sorta Rasta.
And you let her raise your seed,
what, you thought you found a whoreto-culture.
Your baby boy is born, she gotcha,
I know you wish you woulda left that
load in the Ho's mouth.
How your name X-Trakt when you don't know
when to pull out???
Now that is a BAR!
Oh, okay, I get it.
So the defining characteristic of a "bar" is just how much
gross misogyny you can cram into one sentence.
Don't worry, it's all an act.
I don't think X-Trakt even has kids.
It's all for the sake of wordplay.
Puns about hating women.
Aww.
Look, I don't know how anybody can be a good person
when they spend all of their time thinking of horrible
things to say about someone.
Whoo.
See, I just dug your grave
so they can put your fat-ass corpse into.
It's so ironic -- as much as you lift a fork,
now they gotta forklift YOU!
[Crowd exclaims]
This is my chance, be right back.
Uh, Behn?
That was amazing.
It was intense.
Adam, we spoke on Twitter?
Reporter, right?
Academic, actually.
Grad student.
I'm working on my Master's thesis.
What're you doing?
-It's an English MA program-- -I know what a thesis is.
What are you doing it on?
Oh... The varied poetic functions of
the N-word in battle rap.
That shit was tight, wolf, you killed him.
That XOXO bar?
Fire.
Respect.
I'm interested in how the N-word can be used as
an intensifier for both comedic and intimidatory effect,
or in some cases as a rhythmic flourish to hit
a particular flow.
Yo, Grym!
My girl wanna suck your dick,
and I don't even mind.
Respect.
[Yelps]
I'm also interested in the racial identity aspect.
For example, how Puerto Ricans and Dominicans use it
to signify their African ancestry.
So you from New York?
I'm at Berkeley now, but yeah.
How'd you know?
Well you just mentioned Puerto Ricans and Dominicans.
If you were from Cali, you would've said Mexicans.
So Mexicans use the N-word too?
Well, it all depends, you know.
Definitely in the Bay, a'ight?
Especially East Oakland, you know,
they be givin' all types of people passes over there.
You don't remember a few years back,
that white chick V-Nasty?
Sure.
She got some attention from Kreayshawn when she had that
one hit because they were in the same crew, right?
That was a battle rapper who wrote that one hit for her.
I'm good, man.
Things gon' be different in LA,
especially with that gang shit. No Mexicans going down there
saying it without the hard "er."
This is great, man.
Thank you.
Look, if you really want a Nigga Pass,
your best bet?
Move back to New York.
Claim you about a quarter Spanish...
Hmm...
Maybe an eighth.
Or I could just move to East Oakland.
You better off claiming you Spanish.
Why would you -- I'm not trying to get a pass.
Any time a white boy acts who can say "nigga,"
it's because he really wanna say "nigga."
It's just the subject of my thesis.
So you want to write "nigga."
Oh shit, Behn fucking Grym!
Nigga, you gotta do a shot with me.
Respect.
Respect!
This is definitely a...
crash course.
What, he's my favorite battle rapper!
Why you talking to me, hmm?
There's plenty other N-words you could be
asking about N-words.
I guess it just made sense to start
with my favorite writer.
Your structure is crazy, man.
The way that most battlers write,
they do the wordplay but the lines
don't connect with each other.
But with your stuff, the setup and the punch line
all flows together, conceptually and then all ties back into
a larger theme or idea.
It's like a master essay.
So you read essays all day about
letting the chopper spray?
Respect.
Next question.
There you are.
I've been looking forever.
What's a "jump off"?
Sorry.
This is my girlfriend Maya.
Maya, this is...
Behn Grym.
Hey.
I am really glad that I get to talk to you about this.
I mean, I was super surprised at the end
by your battle there --
Maya, I don't think that this is really a good time --
-- they didn't announce a winner or anything!
I mean, what's up with that?
Oh, that.
Judged battles aren't really a thing anymore.
You gotta blame your own coast for that.
Buncha delusional just-can't-
admit-when-they-lost motherfuckers.
New York hasn't lost a rap battle in 10 years.
I clearly won, though.
Oakland, is y'all in here??
If you got any drugs left, you need to let them shits
circulate through your system right now,
'cause this next match finna be on some unprecedented
seismic event type shit, ya dig!
Rapper on my left, state your name, playa.
And it's ya boy Big Zee.
Shout out to Oakland, the whole 510. Let's get it.
And the rapper to my right needs no introduction,
but I'm gonna let him talk his shit anyway --
MEGATON, BIIIIIIITCH!!!
Is that guy...
stable?
A criminal jury may one day
have to rule on that question.
[Grunts]
I'm the only reason these people here know what your
name is, but you gon' be like Kim K after we tape this
and I'm gonna be like Ray J,
since I'm the dickhead that's making you famous.
As far as these fans, I told y'all from before,
I'm the one that opened up this door,
yeah, I showed you my support.
So now I'm like Khloe when she goin' through divorce,
'Cause I can leave the ring now
since I don't owe-them anymore.
Man, black chicks love me, they think I'm an awesome person,
and they always flirtin',
you can tell this chick here probably wants some Persian,
As soon as I walked in and took off my turban,
She got on the floor and she started twerkin'.
Fuck your life, fuck your wife,
fuck your whole entire existence,
Man, if I seen Bill Cosby slip your wife a pill in her drink
and I was the only eyewitness,
I would mind my own business.
Yeah, Yeah.
Me and you, man, we ain't the same,
you nothing but a fake character,
Man, we ain't from the same caliber,
Give me space, man, step back,
this fist is a face damager, Give me distance and space
or I'll leave your face with Stitches like Game's manager
Yo, get outta my face.
Well, that's all for this event.
What do you mean?
-There's two more after -- -Get outta my FUCKIN' face!
Jesus!
That's what I mean.
Damn, Mega really suckered dude, bruh.
Ain't no sucker.
He warned him twice.
What he supposed to do, narrate it on some
"March of the Penguins" shit?
Well, we should probably take off.
Thanks again for everything.
Make sure you send me that draft when you done.
Make sure you don't say nothing wild out of pocket.
Yeah.
Of course.
Bye!
You definitely won that.
I said YO!
It's Billy Pistolz, man.
Let me talk to you for a quick second.
So I just saw you on the stage, but I wanna know
if you rep that REAL hip-hop shit,
know what I'm talkin' bout.
So what's good with you and me getting it in right now?
If you really real, I'm ready to battle right NOW.
Right now.
Look, man, I just finished a battle --
I don't need a stage,
we can do this shit the street way,
Shoot at his ride, it's like a helicopter accident
how I got this chopper on the freeway /
Shells as big as coconuts,
that's what I'm sendin' him /
And your girl?
I won't skip-her,
but after I'm done with you, I'ma kill-again.
Did you just try to make "kill again" sound like "Gilligan"?
Man, niggas out here dropping Gilligan's Island bars, bruh.
[Laughter]
Man, that whole squad on that real shit,
only God can judge us /
When we servin' it's like a hot plate,
-I warn you not to touch us -- -Alright, alright,
alright.
I'ma let one of the lil' homies handle this.
How about my young white boy here?
He's a killer.
Actually, I don't rap.
So what's good, then?
You heard what I spit, do you really think you can
fuck with Billy Pistolz, man?
If that's the case, then spit your shit!
SPIT. YOUR. SHIT.
Okay.
[Groans]
Sup?
You're here trying to battle Behn Grym,
'cause he's got the kind of stardom you seek /
But you'll never reach that bar,
'cause all your bars are a reach /
You clearly wish you had a darker brown skin tone /
You're suffering from "I-Wanna-BeDown" syndrome...
And also Down's syndrome.
[Crowd exclaims]
You've been a dad since you were still a teen,
but it's not how it really seems /
That kid is not your son,
he doesn't have a single Billy gene
You spit all this gun talk of a violent mind at work /
But got nothing to back it up with,
that's a Miley Cyrus twerk!
Miley Cyrus just bodied Gilligan's Island!
Pistolz!
Where you learn that shit?
I do some beat poetry sometimes.
Fuck a thesis, you got BARS!
[Snickering]
Did that just happen?
I can't believe that just happened.
It happened.
Can you tell me if my hand is still shaking?
This was the greatest day of my life.
You didn't tell me that you rap.
I don't.
Sometimes when I watch battles,
lines will just pop in my head,
but this time I just...
said it.
It's really not that different from my poetry performances.
[Feedback whines]
Words are weapons.
'Cause when the poets take up their arms together,
it's what the, it's what the mindless troops fear
Yeah, I thought we agreed you weren't gonna do that.
Sure, sure, we did.
I destroyed that guy, though.
Don't you think?
You beat him.
I mean, I have a few notes that I would give you,
here and there.
It's so crazy seeing people
react like that to poetry!
Writers like you and me, we submit to journals hoping to
get read by, what, a hundred subscribers?
What's a good turnout for one of those slam poetry nights
-- a couple dozen at best?
But then you have these guys
who are doing competitive poetry
-- which is what it really is
-- and they're selling out venues.
They're getting tens of thousands,
even millions of views on YouTube
and they're getting paid for it!
This, this is what's happening in poetry right now.
And instead we're giving awards to middle-aged
Canadian men publishing postmodern Inuit fiction.
Not that Qitsualik-Tinsley isn't fantastic.
Okay, so, what?
You want the Swedish Academy to start awarding
a Nobel Prize for rap battles?
Well...
no.
But what if I were to do it for real?
-Like, battle and... -[Laughs]
Oh, you're serious.
Babe.
I mean, you don't exactly have a "center stage" personality.
Do you really want to be another white guy
shamelessly appropriating African-American culture?
I mean, we don't need Macklemore, we need Mackle-less.
Yeah.
I mean, you're not like that other white guy back there.
And that works in your favor.
I mean, you don't want to be like those guys.
Trust me.
Yeah.
You're right.
On page four twenty-three, Dostoevsky has Maximov quote
what he calls a sarcastic epigram:
You're Sappho, I'm Phaon, agreed.
But there's one thing still troubling me:
You don't know your way to the sea.
Now the poet Batyushkov is referring to the popular
legend that Sappho, rejected by her lover Phaon,
killed herself by jumping from a seaside cliff.
[Imitates jumping]
That's actually just my second favorite
poetic retort of all time.
The first is of course from LL Cool J,
who was told by a rival rapper that his tracks were
too commercial and that quote,
99% of his fans wear high heels,
whereupon LL responded with the immortal line:
"Yeah, but 99% of his fans don't exist."
[Students exclaim]
So let's see your Drakes and your Nicki Minaj'es drop
a philosophical paradox to that complex.
Thanks, guys.
Ladies, Seinfeld is a seminal text,
but for sheer Sartrean dread, I mean, you can't beat Friends.
Coffee shops and existentialism just go together.
-[Students laugh] -Right?
I'll see you ladies later.
I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about
my thesis subject.
What was it -- battle rap, right?
Yeah.
I thought you had some great material.
You know, I'm just spitballing here,
but maybe what you should do is compare modern day rappers
to Ancient Japanese samurai and their poetic mastery
of haiku and waka.
Wait a minute, sounds familiar,
is it possible somebody wrote that paper back in the '90s?
Oh, yeah, that was me.
I know.
But if you look at the scene going on now,
I really think you'd see that it's really quite different --
Look, Adam, don't you want to forge your own path here?
"Who doesn't wish for their own father's death"
and all that.
Look, be ORIGINAL.
That's the whole point of the humanities --
you can make up whatever bullshit you want as long as
you're smart enough to justify it.
Write about...
the rise of comic book movies as the ultimate crisis
in the American male psyche.
Actually, don't.
That's good, I'm keeping it.
Sorry to have wasted your time.
Hey, Adam -- you coming to the house party tonight?
As long as you wear a shirt besides that one.
Yeah. Sure.
Hey, and call your mother.
She worries about you out here.
Sure thing, Dad.
So he shut you down entirely?
I don't know if I would say "shut down."
Really?
Because it sounds like he heard your idea,
and took a giant shit all over it,
and then used that shit to fertilize
a garden growing organic,
certified GMO-free vegetables which he then ate
and shit all over your idea again.
Okay, I'll say "shut down."
I know it's intimidating being the son of probably
the most famous literary critic in the country,
but you need to stand up for yourself.
Yeah, you're right.
Although, you should change your thesis topic.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, respect your enthusiasm for researching across
cultural boundaries, but think about the kind of
culture you're validating.
What if instead you were to discover and advocate for
the next Angelou or Baldwin, or even, oh, the next Shakur.
Ooh, like Tupac?
Assata.
[Grumbling]
Ooof. Can't campus security do anything about that?
Not unless he's causing a disturbance.
The best part of full communism is going to be
when everyone has equal access to hygiene products.
So Mailer told me that being a father was
the most rewarding thing in his life.
And I told him, "You must have never tried cocaine."
[Laughter]
...when you look at a diamond, you might as well just see
a sad little baby arm, because that's what it cost.
Adam, you must love having your dad
work at the university.
Getting to come to these swanky dinner parties?
Rubbing shoulders with the Berkeley elite?
It's amazing.
"Love" is a strong word.
As is "Dad."
Bit of a different vibe than that rap battle
you guys went to, I bet.
Oh, my God, Becky.
You should have heard the violence and misogyny
that these people were cheering for,
you would have been horrified.
What's this I heard about you battling someone, Adam?
Do tell.
Ugh. This weird guy came up to us in the parking lot after
and out of nowhere, he just starts rapping at us.
And Adam rapped back at him.
And I won!
Just to not leave you hanging on the outcome.
That is so cool!
I didn't even know that you rapped!
He doesn't.
I don't.
I just like coming up with lines for people, for fun.
Ooo, do me!
Like, what you would say to me if we were battling right now?
I don't think so.
Do me! You can say anything you want.
-Do me! -Yeah, do Becky!
Sorry.
There's just nothing to insult about you guys.
Oookay.
You know, something that I'll never understand
about this rap stuff is the "shoot this,
shoot that, shoot the dog, shoot the grandma."
I just, I mean talk about contributing to
your own stereotypes.
[Adam] You're such a pretentious prick
you have peppermint excrement /
You stay trolling all-boy high schools,
that's why you dress up in this preppy shit"
Jon! That is so racist.
I mean, you can hardly blame a marginalized group
for their own internalized white supremacy,
when society has been actively enforcing it
since its inception.
[Becky] Well actually, THAT'S racist.
You're positing a total lack of self-determination
on the minority's part.
I've always seen African-American rappers'
hyperbole as self-aware.
Like, we know this is what white people think of us,
so we're more than happy to sell it back to you.
"Those are such fucking hipster glasses /
When you wear them, real life has an Instagram filter added"
Ugh. So now you're just treating
an entire racialized group as a monolith.
I mean, that is WAY more racist.
I can't be racist.
I'm Asian.
Asian people can definitely be racist.
Racism is the systemic oppression of people of color.
I'm a person of color.
Ergo, not racist.
"This guy is so hairless, white and sterile /
You look like a female model from American Apparel"
Oh, please.
Asians are not "people of color."
You're more like off-white.
Okay, um, can we at least all agree that
THAT was racist?
-Yes. -Yes.
I'm sorry.
You know what. My inner proud black woman says,
"Fuck all you bitches."
So wait -- Robert can literally claim to be
a black woman, but you don't think that that's racist?
He's expressing the well-known historic affinity
between gay and black culture, Adam.
Don't be such a fucking homophobe.
[Ringtone playing]
-Hello? -What it do, cuh?
We out here tryna book this next event,
you feel me, and you know I needed to holla
at the Parking Lot Predator AKA Blacktop Assassin AKA
the Nerd Who Needs No Revenge and see what's poppin' witchu.
I think you have the wrong number.
Nah, G.
This is Donnie Narco,
head of the Killerfornia Battle League's new talent
recruitment and all types of other legal shit.
Is this a prank?
Your exaggerated ebonics is offensive.
[Laughs] See, you a funny dude.
The homie Behn Grym said you committed
some first-degree murder outside the last event.
Some get investigated by a podcast type shit.
Wait. You're actually from KBL?
Shut the front door!
Adam, shut the front door, please.
So check it -- we got a tryout card comin' up
in two weeks.
You got a spot if you want it, man.
Hey, Adam! Ey, man, the service is nervous...
The banana-kale ice cream and the chicken-less nuggets
-need to get in the freezer. -I can't hear you big scrimp.
Sorry, what did you say?
I said, I'm late to meet Becky...
I said this is about to be your BIG BREAK, homie...
...and I could use your help.
...your ass could show a little acknowledgment of that fact.
A little acknowledgment would be Nice.
Are you even listening to me?
Listen to me, you an animal, homie.
I love animals.
Yeah, exactly!
I mean, no senti had being need live in its own filth
on the way to being barbarically slaughtered
-just so that we can dose... -Uh, hello?...
...ourselves in growth hormones.
And the least YOU could do in order to fulfill...
-YO, Adam! -...our commitment to
animal justice is put the groceries
in the goddamn fridge.
-I'll do it. -A'ight, patnah, good looks.
THANK you.
We finna make this a classic real for real.
Ooo, What are you eating?
This some bullshit. Hello?
Aw, man, I knew I shouldn't've called you
on the trap phone.
Mmmm...
It is amazing what they can do with tofu these days!
Yo, ADAM!
-Love you. -I love you.
Hey, look. It's all love, G.
So peep this.
I'm gonna put you up against another young gunner
on the come-up, a real dope spitter
by the name of Prospek.
[Adam] Prospek.
Hey, what's your name, pimpin'?
Adam Merkin.
Adam Murk 'Em?
That's a dope-ass rap name.
I don't actually have a rap name.
That's my real name.
It's your real name 'cause you really 'bout that life.
A'ight, homie, I'ma get with you in a minute.
I gotta go fuck my bitch.
Peace.
Asian.
Race angle: bad driver, eats cats/dogs,
small penis.
Don't use.
Too racist?
Smokes a lot of weed.
Also probably sells it.
Loves his grandma.
Another great Sylvia...
[Adam] You're sweet, if you're moving grams it means
your grandma got a new apartment.
You're not a rapper, you're just a cop with a nice flow /
I can tell you're a narc, even your height is five-oh
I might have to kill this kid,
that's Prochoice.
Too offensive.
The most effective birth control you'll ever use
is the Prospek of sex with you.
[Music on speakers]
40 Mag! Bluntz!
I'm like your biggest fan.
The two-on-twos you guys do, it changed the game.
Thanks, bro.
Bring your equipment to the center,
that's where we gon' need it.
My equipment?
Bro, the cameras and shit.
I'm not a cameraman.
I'm a rapper!
Ooooh, rapper.
I have a tryout tonight, at least I'm supposed to.
I'm super late, Google Maps got me all screwed up.
Did I miss the whole thing already?
Bro, the battles ain't start yet.
We on colored people time.
He white though, he can't say that.
Ey, what you white boys call it?
"Hip-hop time," right?
We on "hiphop time" right now.
I like your jacket though.
Where the rest of the Members at?
"Members"?
Oh, man, he wasn't even alive
when them Members Only jackets came out.
Oldass nigga.
Nigga so white he make Michael Jackson...
look like Michael Jackson.
Don't listen to him, man, he a hater.
Hey, I LOVED Home Alone.
The way you was in them traps?
Yeah, we be out there.
Oh!
----lookin' ass.
Why he look like One Direction if they went
both ways though? [Laughs]
Bro, you listen to One Direction?
-You really gonna...? -Oh... [Chuckles]
You Earthworm Jim lookin' ass nigga.
I know you ain't switchin' sides.
Look at your shit.
I know you ain't talkin'.
With your LEGO hairline, man.
You can detach that shit, man.
Bro you know I'm insecure about that, c'mon.
This your first battle, huh?
What's your name, homie?
I don't really have one.
I guess it's Adam.
Che Corleone.
Don't trip on those two, man,
they just love roasting fools.
Rappers, each other, whoever's around to get it.
But I'm sensing you more the type of dude who,
like myself, stays focused on what's really important.
Battles.
Bitches.
Oh, there are bit-- ladies here?
What d'you mean, man?
It's a great turnout tonight.
Mmm!
See, those two over there.
That's what I'm about.
Tryna come spit a little game with me or what?
You want me to be your wingman?
Mmm-hmm.
Let me guess -- you want me to talk to the big girl
so you're free to talk to her friend.
Fuck no, man.
The big girl is MINE.
Fuck outta here.
Yeah, she big, but she fine as hell.
It takes a real man to smash a fine fat bitch.
Come on, let's go.
Ey mami.
We just wanted to personally thank you
for your support.
As two-up-and-coming battle rappers ourselves,
we appreciate the love.
Oh, so you a battle rapper?
Damn.
Tanya, he say he's a battle rapper.
You look a little familiar, come to think of it.
I'm sure I do.
Che Corleone.
Right!
You're the one who battled Chamberz last event.
Oh, so you know about me.
I could tell you were a woman of discerning taste.
Discerning enough to know that Chamberz
bodied you three-oh.
And the battle before that you got washed,
and the battle before that your soul
damn near left the earth.
So how 'bout you spend less time on your pickup lines
for me and more time on your lines for your next opponent
before you take your fourth L in a row.
You lucky you got an ass,
'cause your battle opinions are garbage.
Have you considered jumping into a battle?
I have a feeling you'd do very well.
Oh, did I forget to mention?
I'm the second match on the card tonight.
Devine Wright, nice to meet you.
And she got bars, too?
If you can cook, I might just be in love.
I can cook you in the ring, motherfucker!
[Spluttering]
Aw damn, man, sorry, homies, my bad.
You know, we runnin' on that hip-hop time.
What up, what up, what up.
A'ight, let's shoot this bitch real quick,
no Selena.
What up, Oakland. Yeah!
Town bizness, baby!
A'ight. What's up?
This the Killerfornia Battle League and I beez your host
Donnie Narco, AKA the Walking Drug Lab
AKA the Cocaine Cowboy AKA Mister Splash,
put my drink on your bitch's ass
and won't even tip the glass, you feel me?
A'ight. Cool, cool.
First up, we got a cool one-round battle
to kick off these tryouts.
To my right, straight outta Koreatown, Los Angeles,
give it up for Prospek!
LA, baby!
Shout out to Oakland though, shout out.
Make some noise, let's go.
And to my left we got a newcomer on the scene
who I hear is gon' be a real problem, a real problem...
Adam Murk 'Em!
It's just Adam.
Just Adam?
Oh, okay, cool, he on that Cher,
Ronaldo, Roseanne type vibe, I feel you, player.
Since you the new white boy on the scene,
we gon' show you a little bit of love.
It's on you Prospek, get 'im!
YO...
Who the fuck set me up with this little homo?
This kid looks like he should be doing Disney promos /
He looks like he loves writing essays like a prison cholo /
His yearbook photo looks like the bitch
from the Wendy's logo!
You probably came here in a Budweiser truck /
With a bumper sticker that says "I'll die for Trump" /
Basically what I'm saying is you white as fuck.
Lookin' like Conan O'Brien's son /
Or the little dude on the logo for Hawaiian punch
Ha ha, white people!
How the fuck is this white nerd gonna outsmart this Asian --
what the fuck are you doing? /
You seen Virginia Tech, we're even better
at school shootings!
He's a ninja!
Finish him!
Don't buy drugs from this man,
just a word of advice /
He's either a cop or reporter --
either way, he's workin' for Vice /
Actually, if I'm really squintin', you kinda look like
Tilda Swinton / Actually he kinda look like one of
them YouTube kids on Ellen DeGeneres,
when she feelin' hella generous /
You probably get into fights like "let me at 'em" /
Actually his butler be fighting for him like "Let me, Adam"
Ha ha, privilege!
Man, these yuppies are the worst/
Can you picture 'im in a Starbucks line with Ugg boots
and a puppy in his purse /
Petting it like, "O-M-G,
you're so fluffy that it hurts"
[Adam] Puppy in his purse. Eating dogs.
Got some takeout.
No, that's too racist, can't be racist.
Disney.
Disney logo, D looks like a G.
Virginia Tech.
That's offensive.
Virginia Tech, disturbing the dead.
Motherfucker, oh, the irony /
You look like Ron Weasley
but you sound like Hermione /
I'm Asian, so it's only right that I'm serving this ginger /
I saw this nerd up on Tinder,
he had Little Mermaid as his picture /
So I don't know if I should slap you like a bitch
or punch your face like a man /
'Cause I keep switching from open palm to a fist...
like a white boy shaking your hand!!!
Time! I should've saw that coming.
It's gonna be hard to recover from that one,
but let's see what he got.
It's on Adam, let's get it!
[Clears throat]
I can't believe this guy's up here talking about
Virginia Tech /
That's offensive to the victims and
their families, why are you disturbing the dead?
You need to stop,
if I did Disney promo, that means that I popped /
[Crowd boos, murmurs]
You kinda remind of the D in Disney --
you look like a G but you're not
[Indistinct chatter]
When they talk about top prospects,
they don't even call your name out/
I do have a puppy in my bag, I'm delivering your takeout!
Yo!
You're so Asian you can use a piece of string as an eye mask/
And when you watch movies on your iPad
it looks like an iMax /
Beating me?
That's harder than you trying to score with divas /
Pronouncing "broccoli" properly or getting
a border visa to North Korea /
Even Asian bitches won't fuck you,
that means you're hella frail/
Ordering tuna at sushi's the only time
you get yellow tail
I give that like a five. Six.
'Cause your dick is so small you can't tell your cock
from your testicles /
Something's wrong with your genitals
when your bitch would rather fuck octopus tentacles /
So, yeah, you're hustlin' weed,
but you're the corner boy stuck on the streets /
It's bonsai -- you just take a little cut from the trees /
You talk about killing people in your rhymes
and act like you have real homies (homicides) /
It's like your anime girl pillows --
stop pretending they're real bodies! /
'Cause actual Gs?
You ain't kill none, so shut the fuck up and chill some /
Just 'cause you look like Kim Jong-Un
doesn't mean you're ill, son/
And since you believe in feng shui,
I'm gonna break in as an intruder at night /
Move your couch an inch or two to the right
and fucking ruin your life /
Yo...
Your whole crew looks like an Asian porn star,
when they censor around where her bush be /
'Cause all I see is a bunch of squares surrounding this pussy /
This murder's so cold you can see this man's breath /
I'll kill your supporters too for sleeping,
that's Korean fan death!/
You'll be either a little boy or
a geriatric for your lifespan/
Oh. You've got egg on your face, which makes sense
'cause it's shaped like a fucking fry pan /
See I had a trap set,
you just played into my plan /
'Cause you really don't know
what you're fucking with like you had a one-night stand...
in Thailand.
FAGGOT!!!
-Who ARE you??? -Respect.
You're crazy. You did amazing!
Y'all both KILLED that shit!
Ayo, that was one of our best tryout
battles like EVER ever.
But coming up, we got an ALL-FEMALE tryout battle.
Lady Deathstryke verse Devine Wright coming up,
-ya dig! -Whoo!
You deserve a round after that shit.
You nice.
Your hairstyle look like a gay-ass
Tim Burton character, but you nice.
Thanks, man!
You are amazing though.
I know everyone online is gonna say you out-rapped me.
But, oh, I'm so glad my bars went over so well.
I was worried about that for a minute.
Whoo!
You had some creative Asian shit.
Motherfuckers come at me with hella corny jokes,
but you did 'em well, bro.
You think?
Shit, at least you knew I was Korean instead of
calling me "chink" the whole time.
Far as I'm concerned, that's culturally sensitive
by battle rap standards.
The race angle is just some shit I gotta deal with,
you know.
Hey, I'm just glad you know that I'm not racist for real.
I was worried about that.
Thanks, man.
Yo, I got a female admirer that wants to
make your acquaintance.
This is Adam, he's been the homie from way back.
I pretty much introduced him to the game,
you could say.
I really loved your performance.
What was one of your favorite lines?
I liked when you was making fun of him for being Asian.
You know, I've never really been into skinny white boys
before, but maybe you could open my horizon.
Adam.
Why don't you give her your phone?
My phone?
Yeah, you give her your phone.
Then she puts her number in it.
Then you has her number.
That's how this shit works.
Yeah.
[Ringtone playing]
Oh, uh...
I actually have to make a quick phone call.
'Scuse me.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
You're gonna just leave like that.
After I brought you a girl. Okay.
[Crowd cheering]
Yeah, Lady Deathstryke won that coin toss,
so it's two minutes on Devine Wright.
Kick that shit, baby.
I'm a bitch who loves shopping,
I just copped a magnum and clips /
No boob job,
but I got some new cans for this bitch /
You got your name from a comic --
Lady Deathstryke /
But you the lez type,
those long nails'll fuck up ya sex life!
[Ringtone playing]
-Yo, I saw your battle. -[Gasps]
That shit was tight.
Keep at it.
Respect.
-That shit was crazy! -[Whimpers]
I ain't never expect bars like that from a goofy-ass
white boy like you.
Keep up the good work.
Respect!
Adam?
Heeeey, babe.
Where ARE you?
I have been calling you for hours!
I know, I'm at the library and my phone was on silent
so I forgot to check it.
I'm really, really--
-[Cries out] -You a straight killer, cuz!
Respect.
What?
Adam, wooo.
You out there killin' it, huh?
The streets is talkin'.
That audience reaction,
it's like heroin.
Not that I would generalize
about African Americans and drugs --
Hey!
Keep it down. I'm sleeping.
Right. Sorry.
They doing this event in LA next month.
They got this new crazy promoter
dishing out crazy dough.
And, you know, I'm just saying if you want to
catch up on some bills.
LA?
For the whole weekend?
Yeah. They'll pick up your hotel and everything.
You representing for me, you my little protégé.
So you can't make me look bad out there.
No pressure, then.
Shhh!!!
Sorry. I have to talk to him here because
my girlfriend can't know.
Not that it's a gay thing.
Yeah, sure.
I'm in.
Not that it's specifically NOT a gay thing.
Some of us are trying to study.
What's up with your thesis and the questions
that you gotta ask me?
Right. My thesis.
So one thing I've noticed that changes in the tone of
the N-word is whether it's preceded by
a possessive pronoun or an adjective.
For example, "my N-word" or "her N-word"
-versus -- -C'mon, bro.
You really gonna hit me with that "N-word" shit like that?
See, now that makes it ten times more offensive
'cause you insulting my intelligence too.
Just say "my nigga."
Are you sure?
I know I checked you before, but it's a difference
between using the word and referencing the word.
You gotta use the word like how Obama said it.
Can't be using it like how all them
other presidents said it.
Alright.
What I've noticed is the difference between using
a possessive pronoun like...
-[Softly] "My nigga" -- -There you go.
-- or "her nigga" versus an adjective like "this nigga"
or a "funny..."
nig...ga.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait,
come on.
Are you trying to learn how to use these phrases
in a rap battle?
Yes. No. Uh...
Yes?
This nigga.
Wow, they have cashew-cheddar nutloaf quesadillas --
no cheese OR bread!
Adam, this place is perfect.
What's the occasion?
Actually, there's something I was hoping
to talk to you about.
Namaste!
I'm feeling really good energy from this table.
Are you ready to order?
Maybe a juice to energize, relax, detox?
-If I could just have a min-- -I would love
a Carrot-Ginger juice, but could you substitute
kale for the spinach, beet for the celery,
mango for the apple, lime for the lemon,
parsley for the ginger, and cucumber for the carrot?
If it's not too much trouble.
Fuck yeah.
So, what I need to talk to you about...
-it's something that I did. -You fucked someone.
Whoa, no! It's nothing like that.
You fucked someone, didn't you?
I knew it.
I just did a rap battle.
WHAT?!!!
It's really not a big deal. Really.
It's just something I wanted to do,
and I did well enough that I actually have another one
booked in LA next month.
So I was thinking we should go together.
Like a fun weekend trip.
Doesn't that sound...
-fun? -Mmm...
I'll tell you what it sounds like: it sounds like you
going behind my BACK and doing the one thing
we explicitly AGREED you weren't going to do,
not to mention the misogynistic,
homophobic, ableist, transphobic...
[Adam] Saying rap music glorifies violence.
Don't you think that's a little...
racist?
Reductivist.
Colonialist.
Don't you think that's a little bit...
Don't you think that sounds a little bit colonialist?
EXCUSE me?
I mean, you're passing judgment on a grassroots
African-American culture based on your own privileged
white perspective.
That just seems like a colonialist critique rather than
honestly engaging with them on their own terms.
You know, that is why I didn't tell you about
the battle in the first place.
I knew you being there would be -- problematic.
Are you saying that if I don't go to LA with you
and support you in battling, it makes me racist?
Yep.
I never thought about it that way.
That is because there are systems in place that keep
you thinking that way.
Wow. I mean you're right.
I have been so caught up in my own privilege that
I never thought to examine battling from an authentic
contextual point of view.
We all slip up sometimes.
Okay.
So help me understand. Like...
What's an example of a line you would say?
What's something you would say to me?
I don't think that's a good idea.
I'm trying to understand here.
I am trying to engage.
Adam, if you love me, you'll insult me in a rhyme.
Right now.
Okay, okay.
Uh, okay, how about this...
I'm just here to respect women and treat them equally /
I took you to a vegan eatery,
why would you have some beef with me?
Oh, my God, that's so good!
Go again.
You're crunchy granola, I can tell by your pungent aroma /
You smell like swamp water,
I'm worried you've been fuckin' with Yoda.
And your whole fuckin' style is more tasteless
than this tofu /
The way I killed you with rhymes
I'm like your deadbeat mother,
I diss-owned you!
What the fuck, Adam?!!!
Get the fuck out.
Oh, You don't understand,
she actually asked me to say that.
Well, not that exactly, but we were just joking around.
I was actually coming up with hypothetical
rap battle lines to say to her.
You know, like if I looked at your shirt and said
something like, "It's funny you have a shirt
with Bob Marley, because your pussy hair looks like
a cross between him and Rob Zombie."
Okay, bad example.
Chris!
I was just trying to be a good boyfriend!
Hmm.
I'm sorry about this place.
It's not exactly what I expected.
And I'm sorry about everything.
Okay, Adam.
You've been apologizing for days.
You apologized the whole six-hour drive here.
Could you just not, anymore?
I still agreed to come, didn't I?
Now let's just try to have
a culturally enriching experience.
[Grunting]
Oh, shit, is THIS albino mole rat lookin' motherfucker.
They got everybody in this telly.
Look, I gotta see you later, mami, because I gotta
talk to my boy right now.
You good?
-Ride down was smooth? -Yeah.
Let go, let go.
How you doing?
I watched your Prospek battle back like ten times.
When you said "your chick would rather fuck
octopus tentacles" -- YOOOO.
That was COLD.
Thanks, man.
Hey, who was the girl?
Uh, she's just some Tinder bitch.
I had to get the good luck dome before the battle goes on,
you know what I'm saying.
I mean, it would've been better luck if it was
from Bae, but she playin'.
-[Gasps] -Oh, uh... [Stammers]
Devine!
Have you met my girlfriend Maya?
Maya, this is Devine Wright.
A very talented female battler.
Maya. What's good?
Oh, awesome!
You know, it's really amazing to meet you.
I really respect what you're doing,
breaking ground as a woman
in such a male-dominated pursuit.
What does me being a woman got to do with it?
I ain't spittin' rhymes out of my vagina.
Wooo. We're about to head down to the venue.
You wanna stash your bags and follow?
Let's do it.
[Groans]
I guess it's upstairs?
[Rats squeaking]
That ain't up.
Yo! All my life I dreamed of fame and success.
Finally, we made it.
Classic battle shit.
Kid gets a bunch of money,
decides he wants to be a promoter now.
Spends everything he got on getting some names,
then puts us up against a buncha bums
at an event no one comes to.
Man, who cares?
I'm from North Richmond, as long as I'm getting paid
I'll battle in a fuckin' sewage drain.
Y'all a buncha divas.
I know. Men, right?
Is that Megaton?
What is he doing here?
It's his city.
But why is he rapping here?
They musta paid him a couple stacks
more than the rest of us.
What I'm wondering is, who is THAT nigga?
That looks like...
I think that's the dude I'm battling.
Shiiiiit.
He's rocking the groom tux.
He about to get up there and marry your ass.
He looks like my dad's wedding photo.
He look like he dug up Prince
and stole the nigga suit.
He surely stole the nigga suit.
What's good, y'all,
it's your host Freddie Hustle.
We about to get it cracking for the inaugural event of
Freddie Hustle Entertainment.
Let's get this battle started.
Battler to my RIGHT!
I said YO -- ya mom's pussy got one star
on her Yelp reviews!
I didn't even come to battle,
I just have a question that I wanna ask of my girl /
Will you do me the honor of making me
the happiest man in the world?
I'll make him double up in the middle like a tummy tuck /
The shotty'll blow his guts out,
that's a stomach pump...
-Stomach pump. -Mmm-mmm...
Stomach pump.
Wait, I got it...
Stomach pump.
I'll probably lift him off his feet
[Distorted] if I aim my Glock /
And that's the first time a black guy
will get raised by pops!
I just want you to be my boo, K?
I even got you this bouquet /
You like guns, we can go shopping together,
I'll buy my boo Ks.
And your girl uses Dijon Mustard when she eat her boogies /
I'll show up at ya grandma's open casket
and give that bitch a nuggie!
[Laughs]
His sister got mad kids,
just had another couple /
And every time he's like, "Damn...
well, I'll be a [Distorted] monkey's uncle. "
And the shotty'll blow his guts out,
that's a stomach pump /
And your girl's memory foam mattress
remembers that she's a fuckin' slut!
-Fuck, what was my next line? -[Man] Fuck outta here!
Alright, rapper to my LEFT!
Let's go, get 'em.
You a comedian like John Belushi,
Chris Farley.
Robin Williams...
If you haven't figured it out by now /
Save us all some time
and kill yourself RIGHT NOW!
You ain't gettin' married, you gettin' buried,
but you still dressed suitable, nigga /
I'll let each gun ring twice -- [Imitates gunshot]
that's Four Weddings and a Funeral, nigga!
This dude forgot all the rhymes he studied,
call him Sway, he don't know the answers /
He's like a kid's warning label -
this toy is a choking hazard.
So you wanna talk that racist shit?
I know your girl and I'm pimpin' the thot /
It's a reverse slavery auction,
[Distorted] I put YOUR bitch on the block!
Shoot him, then check for the body shakes,
that's how you can tell that death's gripped 'em /
It's like a good-ass orgasm,
one bust will have your legs twitchin'
You're so fat that you ran out of breath
downloading the app to count your steps /
If you were on house arrest, you'd have to take
walking breaks to give your house a rest.
If he was really provokin' /
He woulda seen all types a colors,
'cause for the kill-I'da-scoped-him/...
-[Woman] Get off the stage. -[Crowd boos]
Get it?
All types a colors, KALEIDOSCOPED HIM?
Yeah, see, y'all get it.
TIME!
Time.
Time!
TIME!!!
-Yo, yo, check it. -Shut the fuck up!
You little squirmy little Reddit blogger/
Another Eminem impostor who refers
to Elton John as his second father/
Bob Saget, Rick Moranis, Kelly Osbourne,
white trash genetic monster /
Probably conceived in the back of
a Led Zeppelin concert /
If Harry Potter had sex with Jeffrey Dahmer,
you'd be their lesbian daughter! /
The fuck are you, a little fuckin' state prison
fuckin' rape victim?/
-[Whimpers] -He's the new face of racism /
I'm surprised he didn't show up here today with
a slave with him chained to him /
He hates African-American culture 'cause
he was raised different /
He hates Clinton, Abe Lincoln, pretty much anybody
that can relate with 'em /
Except Blake Griffin -- he feels a little bit
more safe with him 'cause they share the same pigment /
Bitch, hip-hop has been for minorities,
it's never been for you geeky asses /
Matter of fact, what are these,
your little fuckin' reading glasses
you need for your English classes? /
Man, gimme that shit -- I'll stomp these into pieces
and fragments /
And now you can keep them,
he can have this /
Now you get to complete your dream
of being this genius math whiz /
'Cause everything you see's in fractions! /
Now get the fuck outta here. you little fuckin'
dweeby FAGGOT!
Man, y'all see that shit?
He made that kid cry, like, tears.
That's not right.
Fuck a battle career, he ended dude LIFE.
He gon' need a new face transplant
and new social security number.
Megaton.
First battle rapper quoted in a suicide note.
That whole verse was CRAZY!
Ow! Adam, I'm right here!
Oh, hey, babe.
Wasn't that unbelievable?
Hey, can you get me a drink from the bar?
Yo, Mega one of the all-time greats of this shit.
Uh, come on.
Eminem is the greatest battle rapper of all time.
I'm sorry, fellas.
I forgot it's a white boy in our presence,
so, you know, we contractually obligated to mention Eminem.
Hold up. Hold on.
How your man supposed to be the greatest
and he get bodied in his own fictional movie?
Lotto washed him in 8 Mile.
Didn't Lickety Split get him too?
Then he go body himself for a whole round,
you know what I'm saying.
Poppa Doc ain't choke -- he just knew it was over
so he walked off.
Em took his own L.
Plus how you supposed to be the greatest
when your video director some Filipino nigga
making gay-ass art films for your joints, bruh?
Um...
-two. -It's not 1992.
Em's skill transcends race.
You talking about Em?
He's the fucking GOAT, man.
You're right, he's better at putting words together
than all of these black guys.
Go away.
Yo. You said some WILD shit up there, homie.
Fuck outta here, man, this is battle rap.
I could diss Asians, Mexicans,
any other race.
Why not blacks?
I'm just trying to fight for equality.
Hey, he got a point, bruh.
What?
Plus I thought that shit was hilarious, man!
I love this nigga!
Man! Hey, look. The way you keep it real with how you feel,
I feel that!
Yo, any of y'all seen a hotel key card
laying around anywhere?
I can't remember where I put it.
What hotel's it for?
I can't remember.
Fuck that, man.
Why don't you get you're your ass outta here.
-[Gasps] -Damn.
This shit messy as fuck, bro.
Yo, let's peel out.
I got a dope food spot I want to take y'all to.
ADAM!
I want to go back to the hotel now.
Okay.
I think some of the guys were gonna grab some food
but I could drop you off on the way.
Okay.
I want you to think really hard
about what the best thing to do is.
And then I want you to do it.
So you dropped your girl off?
She dropped me.
She not takin' you back?
In more or less those words.
You did the right thing, bro.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's fine.
I'm sure we'll be...
fine.
Hey, can I drop this in someone's car?
Maya was my ride home.
I got you, dog.
Just know you gon' be designated driver, though.
[Cell phone chimes]
Yo, the homie just texted me that Megaton is
having an after party at the crib later.
Shit's gon' be LIT.
How's that, how's that.
Wooo!
White folks drivin' us around tonight!
Let me get this shit straight.
We in LA and the Mexican takes us to a sushi joint.
I'm with D.
You wrong for this one.
First off, I'm Ecuadorian, motherfuckers.
Second, the chef here came highly recommended.
No way.
I take that back -- you DEAD wrong for this one.
My LA connect saw him working here and told me about it.
I had to come see for myself.
Okay, what can I get y'all started with?
I got a quick question. Um...
I heard you're so Asian when you watch movies
on your iPad it looks like an IMAX.
-[Laughter] -Can you confirm?
Aw, HELL nah.
You should be proud.
You dressed like you about to take your yellow belt test,
it's your lucky day.
Nah, he look good in his uniform.
It really brings out his eyes.
Man, FUCK all a y'all.
What are you doing making sushi, anyway?
You're Korean.
There ain't enough Japanese to keep up with how much
white people love this shit.
Half of the sushi joints here are owned by Koreans.
We just pretend to be Japanese.
Y'all too ignorant to know the difference.
You a walking Asian stereotype, bro.
You probably fought like fifty ninjas on the way here.
Drove a Civic and drift the whole way.
It must be hella hard to write the customer's checks
in that crazyass calligraphy.
Yeah, that's true.
What do you do after work -- go home and pretend
to rape your grandma? [Laughs]
YO.
What the fuck, bro?!!
You know, 'cause you're Korean,
but you're pretending to be Japanese.
And Japan occupied Korea for a long time
and they committed a lot of atrocities...
I thought we were roasting him.
We WAS talkin' some ignorant Asian shit.
Then you went and put all this real history into it.
Not cool, bro.
It'd be best for you all to leave.
Sensei, these are my friends.
We're just joking around.
"Sensei?"
Yo, Mister Miyagi IS real!
Yo, Hollywood owes you all kinds of royalties, bro.
Come call me, talk to my face.
Yo.
This old-ass Hong Kong Phooey motherfucker
really trying to start some shit with me --
Oh, shit.
He kicked my face!
We should get him out of here.
He kicked me in the motherfuckin' face!
Let me at him.
-You want him? -No, no, no...
-Get yo' ass out. -[Devine cackling]
An old martial arts master doing a spin kick
in the middle of a sushi restaurant?
REALLY?
Do you even know how much of a fucking stereotype
you made us look like?
You set Asians back a hundred years!
Che was right, Mega lives in the hood for real.
Are you sure this is the hood?
These houses are all really big.
And they have lawns.
You really from New York, huh?
[Muffled music]
Fuck is this, the Captain Planet reunion?
Sup, Che.
Prospek.
Baby girl.
Behn Grym, what's good, homie.
I don't think you met my guy Adam.
Nah, we ain't met.
I seen your shit though.
You a'ight, homie.
Thanks, man! I'm a huge fan of --
A'ight.
We got bitches, blunts goin' around,
hookers, pregnant prostitutes,
white girl, molly.
It's that West Coast hospitality, baby.
Your shit is crazy.
That Virginia Tech line?
You got bars, for real.
Respect.
It's just, that whole Asian shit be getting to me.
No matter what I say, they can say
some cliché-ass kung-fu lines and it pops off.
Okay, it's always the same shit for me too.
Whenever I battle a nigga, I know everything
he gon' say to me.
I mean, that groom shit was a little different,
but at the end of the day, it's the same shit.
Just based on my gender.
So how you break out of that?
You don't.
No matter what, I'm goin' get the bitch bars,
and you goin' get the Asian bars,
and this kid'll always get the white-ass nerd bars.
Am I really a nerd, though?
Never mind.
Battling is an expectations game.
Niggas goin' always come with the expected shit,
'cause that's what the audience wants to hear.
But the fact that you can expect it means you can flip it.
Play it to your advantage.
Yo, it is ON.
I don't even know this bitch's name,
but she's a fuckin' smoke show and she's ALL OVER me.
I'm 'bout to smash for real.
Don't you think it's a problem that
you don't know her name?
Yo, the only problem is gonna be when I'm fuckin' her
so hard her teenage daughter is gonna get
pregnant in the future.
Shit, how can THAT motherfucker
get laid off battling?
For me it just makes it harder.
I tell a nigga I battle and his dick start tucking up
like it's the "Silence of the Lambs."
I need a drink.
Yo, I swear that's...
nah, it can't be.
You know her from somewhere?
Yeah -- from jerking off.
That's Bella Backwoods, yo, I've been following her since
Teen vids all the way to MILF.
That's...
three years.
That actually IS a long time to follow a porn star.
I'm sayin' though.
[Woman] Oh, my God, yes!
Fuck.
We gotta stop Che.
Because of his deeply problematic attitude towards
hook-ups and women in general?
No.
Because of THIS.
We should.
Get Behn.
[Woman moaning]
Oh, damn, y'all perverts, man!
Oh, you tryna get a picture for the 'Gram, huh?
Take that shit.
Put your damn pants on.
Alright, alright. Shit, man.
You tryna hit this shit too?
At least let me finish first.
Man, that's Megaton's girl, you dumb-ass nigga.
You better hope and pray he didn't see you come in here
or we all will be getting fucked.
Hurry up!
Okay, okay!
Back up.
If anything, this is between Bella
and her boyfriend.
Are we seriously suggesting that Che is somehow
vaginally trespassing on another man's property?
So Bella has no sexual agency
or bodily autonomy here?
Ain't none of us gon' have bodily autonomy if we dead!
Fuck.
Hey, babe.
I'll deal with this fucking whore later.
Right now I'ma have some words with
my gardener real quick.
Alright.
Look, he didn't mean to disrespect you.
He's just a knucklehead.
-If he would of knew -- -Get the fuck out
my way, dog.
This don't even concern you.
Well, I'm making it my concern.
Why, 'cause you the big homie now?
You fuckin' vouch for him all of a sudden?
He didn't mean anything.
We battle rappers.
We battle each other and disrespect each other
in the ring as rappers.
But to come to my house, and FUCK MY GIRL?
You disrespected me AS A MAN.
So now we goin' have to handle that as men.
If you wanna throw hands, we can throw hands.
But you gon' keep them guns out.
Oh we gon' do a lot more than throw hands,
motherfucker.
I'ma see you...
in that ring.
It ain't gon' be no straight rap shit though,
-you feel me? -That's cool.
Me and you got a problem as men.
We battle as men, not just as rappers.
-Straight up. -That's cool.
We could do that.
Understood.
Right?
Yup.
I'm sorry, a rap battle?
You wanna solve this with a rap battle?
Shut the fuck up.
No, I'm over here pissing my pants...
That actually might be literal --
thinking I'm surrounded by straight-up gangsters
packing heat, about to blow my brains
all over this lovely interior decor,
but no.
You think the most street way to deal with this
is with a rap battle!
That thing where a bunch of grown-ass men get together
in a room, call each other gay and come up with
make-believe ways we're totally
going to kill each other.
Is that not the corniest shit
you've ever heard in your life?
Is that thing even real?
We was just leaving.
Great to meet you all!
Come on up to Berkeley sometime,
we settle beef with word debates there too!
Can you believe how ridiculous that was?
To take this silly insult game we play so seriously.
I mean, love it, but come on.
I thought we were in a life or death situation back there!
Wooo! Stop the car.
Oh, yeah? You want to grab a drink?
Ooo, we should do a toast to Che's big battle.
Stop the fuckin' car!
I'm having a fuckin' panic attack!
Oh!
[Vomiting]
I'm sorry, man.
I have anxiety myself, I know how it is.
And that was an insane situation.
I just figured you had a handle on it.
Why?
'Cause I'm black, so I'm supposed to be
in the streets like that?
I'm a fuckin' video game designer, dog.
You're WHAT?
Oh, this is you fucking with me.
No.
That's on my daughter's life.
You have a daughter?
So, the slang, the accent.
It's an act.
This ain't no ACT.
You never heard a code-switchin', mah'fucka?
Right.
Of course.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make any assumptions.
-I just thought -- -I know what you thought.
You think I need a white boy to tell me
what he thought of me?
Battle rap is not boxing, it's a street fight.
You wan't just get your jaw broke,
you got someone right in your face
trying to tear you apart.
Your job, your girl, dick pics you sent in high school.
It's fair game.
That's why I keep my private business actually private.
And I never use personals on my opponents, neither.
I just talk about shooting them.
Okay.
What is that?
Look -- front, back, front, salute.
Got it?
Got it!
A'ight. That was great.
We got a long way to Oakland to work on that.
Shit!
What time is it?
Hey, um... do you think since we're going back to
your place anyway, maybe I could...
stay, at...?
I got you.
This place is awesome, man.
I'm honestly surprised.
You would be surprised.
You a racist piece of shit.
Yeah, I know.
I'm trying hard not to be.
I believe you really think that.
Look, before we get up there,
my wife got a problem with
people calling me my rap name.
So call me Osiris. Or Oz.
Your real name is Osiris?
Yeah.
But your rap name is BEHN?
Yeah.
Okay.
Man, I can HEAR the racist shit you thinking.
Everything is good, you know.
My wife make the best burnt bacon ever.
Yeah?
-Yeah, man -- -Boy, take that hat off.
Can I be done now?
Give me one more bite, baby.
No, no, no, no, no, give me one bigger than that!
There you go.
Now you're done, okay?
[Coughing]
Oz?
I got it. I got it. I got it.
Hey, baby. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
There you go. There you go.
Just how we practiced, okay?
Big deep breaths.
Think of it like you're breathing down
into your tummy. In and out.
In and out.
There you go.
-Your feeling better? -Mmm-hmm.
You wanna go watch a little TV?
Okay.
Daddy will take you, c'mon.
What my baby wanna watch, hmm?
[Grace] Austin and Ally!
[Behn] I like that one too, I'll watch it with you.
Cystic fibrosis.
She's had it since she was born.
Her lungs get clogged up and it just makes it
hard for her to breathe.
That's really tough.
I'm sorry.
So, Adam, what do you do?
I mean besides appropriate black culture
-for your livelihood. -[Laughs]
That's hilarious.
Oh. Okay.
I'm a student.
English Lit major.
I'm actually more interested in what Behn --
Oz does, to be honest with you.
Video game design.
How did you get into that?
I stabbed a video game designer and took his laptop.
Really?
What's wrong with you?
I went to college.
And do they, uh -- know?
About the battle rap?
Yeah.
And they're cool with it?
With a black guy being a rapper?
You know what, I'ma be honest,
it does get annoying sometime when you're working
on an FPS and you got all these dudes coming up
to you asking you details about a gun.
Well, it's great that your wife is
so supportive of you battling.
Why wouldn't I?
It's just my girlfriend isn't.
'Cause of all the woman-bashing and stuff.
I just thought you may be against it because
it portrays a certain -- negative image.
I see we got no "respectability politics"-ass motherfucker
at the table.
No, no, I got it.
A'ight.
You really want to sit here and spout off about
"negative image," when we both know that no matter
how much money he makes, no matter how "well" he speaks,
no matter how many suits he puts on,
he can still go out and get shot in the street
by the police for no reason.
That I can have the same fate?
That my daughter can?
So if he's gonna make money by battling,
and put food on this here table,
with the talents that God has given him,
oh, you damn right I'ma support him.
No matter how many of y'all little white boys come up in
here talking about how "negative" it might be.
But you live in Rockridge, the safest neighborhood
-in Oak-- -Damn it.
I can't believe I just had to black-splain some shit to
you in my own damn house.
Maybe that's all white people need,
is just to have someone explain stuff to us.
So it's not enough that this country was literally
built off of our oppression, but now that we get an iota
of freedom, we gotta go explaining that
same oppression back to y'all?
No. Not tonight, Satan.
I need to go make me some tea.
And Oz -- I love you, but if you think
that MC Micro-Agression here is spending one night under
this here roof, both of y'all can go find yourselves
a hotel room where you can discuss
"black-on-black crime" together.
She BODIED you, nigga.
I felt bad when it was a black guy,
but look at all his privilege.
White kids choosing to be homeless so they can act
like Kerouac are the reason we don't have communism.
Actually, the reason we don't have communism is your
undermining of the interracial solidarity and
class consciousness of the proletariat.
And you look like you'd smoke pumpkin spice
-out a junkie's pipe! -[Both gasp]
[Cell phone rings]
Adam.
Hey, babe.
I was hoping we could talk, now that we've had
a chance to cool off.
Hmm. It's funny.
This is exactly what your father said you would do.
You talked to my dad?
About our relationship?
Well, he had some prescient insights, actually.
He pointed out the parallels with Dmitry and Katya
-in The Brothers Kara-- -This conversation is really,
really important to me.
Can you hold on a second?
I have to take this call.
Yo.
Yo, Adam, what's goody.
Hunnid Gramz!
This is awesome.
It's an honor.
A'ight, word.
Check it out, right.
We got an event end of the month where we settin' up
Megaton verse Che to deal with all this beef out here, okay.
And I thought it'd be EXTRA dope to have a co-headliner:
Adam verse Behn Grym.
Can you hold on a sec?
I have a huge opportunity.
Huge for US.
[Maya] Is it your window of opportunity for begging
for my forgiveness?
-You don't understand-- -I DON'T understand.
I don't even know who the hell you are right now.
Do YOU?
One sec.
Gramz?
Dude, you playing hardball, huh?
Tell you what, you take the match,
I got five racks for y'all. Each.
-It's not about the money-- -This could be the biggest
match of your career.
People always wanna see the master face his protégé, okay.
If you go off, you a legend for life.
[Cell phone chimes]
Okay. I'll take the battle.
[Maya] WHAT battle?
Maya!
The lifelong battle of winning back your trust?
I'm hanging up now.
No, NO, NO, DON'T.
I'll get rid of the other call.
Okay, it's just you and me now,
I promise.
[Gramz] WOAH.
I'm just offerin' a match-up.
Wait, who is this?
Hunnid fuckin' Gramz, town bizness.
Look, there ain't no "you and me" all of a sudden.
I mean, you got some shit, but I ain't tryna make
a funny white boy my flagship artist or nothing.
No offense.
Yo. I mean, hey.
I mean, who...?
[Maya] So the other call is gone?
-Right. -[Cell phone chimes]
Okay, babe, it's done.
[Gramz] What the FUCK you call me?
[Maya] Uh, YOU "the fuck" called ME.
[Gramz] What you doin' with your voice now?
Offer a white boy some money and y'all get weird as shit.
I think I -- accidentally merged the two calls.
[Maya] Adam??? Who is this?
[Gramz] Ohhh, so you really IS a bitch.
Yo, your voice sound sexy.
I like a woman who sounds like she 'bout to make
my ass pay alimony.
-Oh, my God. -[Maya] PIG.
And I am not saying that because you're black.
And I'm not even assuming that you are black.
Damn it, Adam, why do you always make me
sound so RACIST?
[Gramz] That's a keeper, bruh, f'real f'real.
So what's good with the battle?
I'm not doing any more battles.
Ever again.
I'm out.
I just lost my girlfriend for good,
I got beat up by a vegan, and I'm sleeping on
a fucking park bench, all because of battle rap.
And you guys don't even take me seriously.
Plus, everywhere I go people think
I'm some neo-Nazi racist.
It's like I'm walking around yelling "chink,
kike, gook, spic, faggot, raghead"--
I've been getting reports of a homeless man
on this bench verbally accosting passersby.
What can you tell me about this?
I haven't seen anyone.
I should get to class.
Maya.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
You left her stranded in a Los Angeles ghetto.
She has nothing to say to you.
She left me stranded!...
That's not important right now.
Look, Maya, I just want you to know that
I'm quitting rap battling.
For real.
It made me into a complete asshole.
I totally get it.
Alright, everyone.
As you know, we have subject thesis
presentations today.
A brave soul among you has volunteered to go first...
Maya.
Oh, please, don't give me the sad puppy dog act.
I know you think you're the hero of the story,
and that I'm just the cliché controlling bitch girlfriend
who the audience is supposed to hate.
But have you ever stopped to think I might be a bitch
with a POINT?
That the real problem here isn't the TONE of what
I'm saying, it's the CONTENT of what you've said?
[Groans]
Your life fails the Bechdel test.
-Yasss, bitch. -Mmm, get it.
-You okay? -Yeah.
Thanks, Mr. Kendall.
So the subject of my thesis is
"The Cultural Legitimization of
White Racism in America as 'Free Expression.'"
I plan to trace this idea from its emergence in
the mid-20th Century, when racism became
less forthright and more coded, through today,
when it has become particularly salient...
Look, I understand where you coming from.
I wanna quit this shit half the time too.
And you think I really wanna battle a homie?
It's five Gs on the line.
And I know my family could really use that money.
We got a few unexpected bills,
for Grace.
I'm not gonna bore you with that.
I'm just asking you, as a friend.
Would you please take the battle?
Why are you even talking to that
"I don't see color"-type racist ass bum?
I told you, Young White Privilege ain't trying to
help nobody but his damn self.
Old dumb motherfucker.
[Maya] One interesting example in the 21st Century context
is battle rap.
Now what started as an authentic African-American
experience has been co-opted,
like so many other things, by white supremacists,
as a space to say obscenely racist things
under the guise of "competition."
Trigger warning: in addition to its vile racism,
this video contains transphobia,
slut shaming,
and an enormous douchebag.
Even Asian bitches won't fuck you,
that means you're hella frail /
Ordering tuna at sushi is the only time
you get yellow tail /...
You just take a little cut from the trees /...
'Cause you really don't know what you're fucking with
like you had a one-night stand -- in Thailand.
-FAGGOT!!! -[Students gasp]
The f-slur, Adam? Really?
That's not only offensive, it's offensively basic.
You can bet your guilao ass that EVERY Asian on campus
is going to know about this.
Well, I thought it was hilarious.
I don't even mind that you used that word --
you've always been a faggot to me.
Thank you.
Oh, I can come back, if you're busy.
No, come on in.
Have a seat.
What are you doing here?
I'm kind of -- homeless.
I was wondering if I could stay with you.
For a few days.
No. [Sniffing]
Why do you smell like cocoa butter?
Well, I spent the last week sleeping on a bench.
The last homeless guy left a bottle there.
My skin was all dry.
You know what I mean.
I don't mean you, I just mean,
because you're a nurse.
I'm the Dean of this school.
So after Maya showed that video of your "battle"
in class yesterday, that went viral.
The administration is now
under a lot of pressure to act.
You know how sensitive the climate is towards racism
and appropriation -- and your performance was
downright Iggy Azalean.
Why does the school care about what I do
in my private life?
It's 2018, there is no private life.
The university cannot afford a scandal right now.
The Asian American Association is ready to turn this
into Bien Dien Phu,
and the Jewish Law Students' Association
is already filing a harassment lawsuit against the campus.
I didn't say anything about Jewish people.
Well, that may well be, but many members of the JSLA are
dating members of the Asian American Association.
So what do you have against interracial relationships?
Huh?
And there's the added visibility factor of
me being your father.
Like it or not, people notice when Kylo Ren
has a Force tantrum because he's Han Solo's son.
Sorry, Dean -- spoilers.
I know this looks bad, but it's all for my thesis subject,
which is on the use of the word "nigga"--
EXCUSE ME???
Sorry, Behn Grym told me that it's more respectful to say
"nigga."
The rock monster from the Fantastic Four
said you could us the N-word?...
He's black.
I gotta go to class.
Actually, you don't.
Effectively immediately
-your scholarship is being-- -What?
Thirty years in academia, and every man still thinks
his balls have the right to interrupt me.
I said that effective immediately your scholarship
is being suspended.
Don't look at me.
I gotta think about my own situation here.
If I'm seen publicly supporting your comments,
I'll be like the next
"insert whatever the Internet is mad at today."
So you're disowning me?
Adam, use a less plutocratic word than disowning.
I'm not a racist.
How can you judge someone based off
one clip on YouTube?
Because I wrote the book.
Several.
"People pay for what they do,
and still more for what they allow themselves to become."
James Baldwin.
And to quote a more contemporary
African-American writer, that was the realest shit
he ever wrote.
Well -- if Karamazov DID commit patricide,
then I wouldn't be that surprised.
That's precisely the rhetoric I can't abide.
Well, I am being bastardized.
Are you trying to satirize?
If did, then would you be satisfied?
Stop rhyming, you little shit!
This family is fucked up.
[Protesters chanting indistinctly]
Safe space, not hate space!
Asian Americans against Adam!
We will not excuse horrific racist slander
just because it rhymes!
Intolerance will not be tolerated!
THERE HE IS!
Remember, this is a peaceful protest --
resist the understandable urge
to tear his limbs from his body.
Go jerk off to anime!
Delete your account.
You've got everybody out here
getting our culture fucked up.
Again.
Thanks for that.
Get woke, cocksucker.
[Cell phone chimes]
Behn?...
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Oakland -- IS Y'ALL IN HERE???
The main events we got comin' up are gonna be
institutionalized for their insanity,
but don't sleep on the two dope-ass spitters
that we got right here, right now.
Now, I know you heard all the jokes about Asian men
never gettin' together with black women --
but fuck did, we did it, y'all.
KBL breakin' down all types a barriers,
ya dig?
You ready for this?
I hope so.
This is a special ONE-round matchup.
Both rappers requested this,
so you know it's gonna be some coldass shit.
Rapper on my right, state your name.
Devine Wright, 'cause I'm the motherfuckin'
queen of this shit!
Nervous rapper on the left, state your name, soldier.
Prospek, representing K-Town, Los Angeles.
Stand the fuck up.
You looking like you drank from the wrong
Grail or some shit.
You good?
I'm good.
Respect for taking the match.
Check should definitely help.
Grace, she's doing good.
This should be good for you, man,
I hope you kill it.
I can't wait to see what you've got.
Right.
I got some shit.
Either way we goin' be boys.
After all, you don't do personals, right?
Right.
I'll let you do your thing.
Now Devine chose to go first,
so it's all on you, Queen, let's get it.
Fuck this Asian motherfucker!!!
Fuck this kamikaze plane, Tamagotchi playin',
shots of saki takin' motherfucker
What the fuck?
Ooh, I get it.
Fuck Lucy Liu and Sulu too /
Fuck your ninja stars, your Subaru,
fuck Buddha and Confucius too /
Wait, actually I don't know if I should be rhyming all that,
I don't know how China attacks /
I'm not trying to get a cyber-attack or
-trying to get hacked -He's disrespectful!
If you were on your death bed and saw your life in a flash /
It would be you designing an app,
dining on cats, and doing science and math
What the fuck is he doing?
This fool is killing HIMSELF right now!
Samurais take this hari-kari shit seriously, bruh!
Your family's either making Civics
or has a nail and facial business /
I'm surprised the movie Crash
didn't have more Asians in it
That's foul.
Why is it so hard for you to drive?/
I seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,
you motherfuckers used to fly /
You know what you call goin' with an Asian on a Uber ride?...
What's that?
Suicide!
If I cut your voice box I bet you'd bleed soy sauce /
When you're at the arcade they mistakin'
your eyes for the coin slots /
This Asian is an overachiever,
you be catchin' more dogs than you can store in the freezer /
Your idea of playing catch is throwing a cleaver
at a golden retriever /
So if I call you a rice farming,
bootlegging, dry cleaning,
bad driving piece of shit and these dudes'll laugh /
And if you're wondering why I'm dissing Asians...
you do the math
I don't know what the fuck just happened,
but I love what the fuck just happened.
Devine, I know you not gonna let him talk to him,
I mean talk to you like that, right?
Hell no.
A'ight, let's get it then.
This bitch got at me for being Asian,
mmm... but came with some weak shit/
So now I gotta get on my shit dissing ladies --
'cause that's clearly what she is!
Ain't no vaginoplast'
that can give her a tighter snatch /
This bitch got a wider gap than the income
between white and black.
That's a wide gap!
If she ain't giving up the pussy,
you could get sucked then, that's a black ho /
I said even if she ain't giving up the pussy,
you could get sucked in, that's a black hole! /
Before I even let the gun kiss her
I'ma give this bitch a Tic Tac /
Whoo!
'Cause I'm brushin' so loud What she's spitting got a kickback! /
They be havin' stage fright when I whip out this dick /
'Cause it'll make a bitch choke
and then forget how to spit /
She too ugly to even feed her the D,
the only way a nigga keep her in Gs /
If she Ayesha Curry and her cookin' make
niggas weak in the knees /
She be having welfare babies,
but I give the hustle respect /...
'Cause we both sonnin' niggas just for the check!!! /
I know y'all confused by what we doin',
so check it -- we just figured /
We'd flip the same shit
we always hear from you fuck niggas! /
So yo Pro, we killed this shit,
we fuckin' em up, nigga / And for the rest of y'all,
you can do them cliché bars...
but you can't do them better than US, nigga!
Devine won that clearly, no debating.
Yeah, but she was goin' at herself basically.
So...
Prospek won?
Nah, Prospek lost, but he was dissin' Asians,
which means he...
beat himself?
We need algebra for this shit, bruh.
That's some shit that could only happen in Oakland,
you feel me?
Make some noise for those fools bodying everbody
within a five-mile radius with that shit!
That worked out perfect.
Hell yeah!
Your female bars were craaaazy.
Yo, your Asian bars, too.
They gon' make China a no-fly zone for you.
That shit was wild, bro.
Y'all took me on a roller coaster of emotions.
I don't know how many people here GOT what y'all did.
Pure genius.
Your sensei would be proud, bro.
Oh, he died.
Wait -- for real?
Yeah. He got in another fight at the restaurant
and one dude pulled a knife out.
Roundhoused like four dudes before he dropped though.
Went out like a G.
Respect.
Dope battle, anyway.
We gonna need a minute to recover from that.
But comin' up next though, we got my man
Behn Grym versus Adam. Okay.
Where the hell is Adam at?
Adam, come to the ring.
Where is Adam?
Why is the white boy on CP time?
[Adam] You thought since I'm a white boy
that he would scare me pale? /
You can't rep the brothers Grym,
your life is a fairy tale
[Man] Get hit with a combo breaker,
the Boston strangler,
from the Casa de Vega,
you soccer player slash commentator,
La Bamba singer,
shout out to all the Spanish Armada raiders,
that came through your fuckin' crib
and took your mom and raped her.
Good luck.
This is it -- the first main event of the night.
Master versus protégé.
Sensei versus student.
Jedi versus Padawan.
The rapper on my right needs no introduction.
He's a Bay Area LEGEND, so put some respeck
on his name.
Behn Grym.
Rapper on my left, he may need an intro or two --
Let's just fucking do this.
A'ight.
Adam won the coin toss, so it's two minutes on Behn.
Let's work.
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!
They talkin' wild out here, like I ain't better than
my own protégé /
Well, you and Megaton both takin' Ls tonight,
'cause he ain't even a pro to Che!
And as for Adam, the mack'll more (Macklemore) than hurt him,
you'll get lowered into an open grave /
You thrift shoppin' --
you get put in a suit off some throwaways /
Red-headed bitches is freaks,
'cause me and his mom known to get wild /
It's more than a metaphor
when I treat this redhead like my stepchild
He smashed your mom?
Look at his face! Look at his face!
And we didn't even make it to the room,
I smashed her in the lobby/
I'm like a priest at the communion,
I'll turn this cracker into a body!/
He performs spoken word, so after I slam this poet
he'll feel back in his prime / 'Cause I ain't gotta clap him,
I just snap him after his lines /
So it was never really right to call this cat a rookie /
You know spoken word is like a dental dam --
it's just a (w)rap for pussies /
His mom and dad is rich,
so if we rob him it's more than snatchin' a chain /
I'll hit him with the silver spoon so far back
in his mouth, he gets stabbed in the brain /
I'll revoke your hood pass,
make sure you not good in here /
His last name is Merkin,
so you know we got a fake pussy here (hair)!/
You a culture thief, a vulture, a leech /
Why you usin' the voice that black people use
to talk to police? /
You grew up at Broadway and Park Place,
you not in these streets /
I'll put the iron to this square like a Monopoly piece! /
He so mad he can't be black that he's bitter /
When teachers asked what he wanna be when he grew up,
he answered, "A nigga." /
So, outta spite, he became a Klansman,
but black men is what this faggot is in-ta /
How you K. K. K.
when you fuck black men?
You the Kardashian sisters! /
All your shit for Pro was racist,
but you say you NOT racist?
That's some crazy stuff /
This nigga start every sentence
he ever say with "I hate to be racist, but... "/
You a high-in-salt type cracker,
when I'm done with this soft white rapper /
He'll be online after typin' "All Lives Matter!"
Make some noise!
Black lives matter, Adam!
You said my mom's a whore?
Yeah, he did say that.
Well, you're right.
So it's time you got some viral shots /
'Cause if it burns when you piss now,
you know why they call her a fire-crotch!
He fuckin' you up already, man.
That boy don't play.
What, you thought since I'm a white boy
that he would scare me pale? /
You can't rep the brothers Grym,
your life is a fairy tale
Wow, Brother Grym.
You and your wife are on some Boy Meets World shit,
and she's at best average /
You've been with one bitch your whole life,
don't try to tell me Behn's savage (Ben Savage) /
He doesn't have a set he's bangin',
he was busy wedding plannin' /
How're you gonna make that
bitch Topanga when her pussy looks like Topanga Canyon!
Is that shit true?
You only been with one bitch?
Nigga!
You need to experience life!
Fuck the guns you say you pack man (Pac-Man),
me and your Miss are knockin' boots /
And when I'm done I might kill that prostitute
like I'm trying to keep my Grand Theft Auto loot /
Yeah, she swallows too,
she's like Kirby how she inhales every drop /
Then I'll do her like Metal Gear and put
my Solid Snake in her box!/
You don't own a sole Calibre,
if you control-a (controller) gun it's Nintendo brand/
That's why the block won't feel/fill your lines
like you're in a Tetris jam /
Where you pulling weapons from?
'Cause you got punked
by Megaton without a TEC in (Tekken) hand /
If you really had those big arms,
you would've taken a shot at Mega man! /
I know you're probably wondering why I designed
these bars about video games for my writtens...
It's 'cause this motherfucker designs
video games for a livin'!/
What?
Tell them the truth,
tell them these gun bars are just bluffing for fame /
Tell them what you really mean when you say
you're making money from the game!
You ain't going hard in the gutter,
you're dealing with marketing numbers /
If you got fire power from the pipe
you're playing Mario Brothers /
The closest thing you get to beef
is when kids on X-Box trash talk to each other /
The closest you get to pimpin'
is when you come home and tell your daughter you love her! /
Oh, shit, y'all didn't know?
Yeah, he's a family man /
So if he's talking about sharing cells,
it ain't jail,
he's just got a family plan /
So I'm exposing my own friend,
I'm on that white devil shit /
I just showed this game designer
what the next level is!
Sorry, my nigga, but if what he sayin' true,
we riding with the REAL gangster.
Ain't finna be over here catching no stray shrapnel
for no frog man?
Y'all switching sides? Y'all switching sides?
Aw man, that's cold, bruh.
Ey Grym, you wanna pass the controller,
or you got something for Adam mister video game man?
So you wanna diss my wife?
Cool, I guess I gotta let you know what's up /
For comin' at-her-I'll (Adderall) have bullets
riddlin' (Ritalin) your frame, nigga,
now focus up!
I'm a Beast to this Boy, I'll shoot at his team
and clap whoever /
MCA, Ad-Rock -- Adam'll either die first
or lose his man forever /
They say he'd kill me,
it's over him the priest say "Amen" /
The tables is turned, they mo(u)rning
Adam like he DJ AM! /
Your girl dumped you over some battle rap shit,
that's a true story, B /
So you lost some pussy to win a battle?
Only thing fucked is your priorities
He got a point.
And her name is Maya, like the people who worshipped
gods with savage rites /
So it's only right that Maya ripped his heart out
like a human sacrifice! /
His dad's a famous writer, so wherever you go
his shadow hits you./
What a surprise -- another white bitch
with daddy issues /
They say you a dope writer,
but you not the best in your family, is you?/
Shit, if he was to battle with you,
you'd be Marvin Gaye -- your old man would KILL you! /
You a Shermanator impersonator,
walkin' around here with you panties tangled /
Corniest red-headed bitch in rap
since Jay flipped the Annie sample/
We both got treated like disease
cause society didn't like us /A
Well fuck that --
I'd rather have nigger-itis than ginger-vitis! /
It was that one time I let you try sayin' "nigga" fast/
But it really don't matter if you get a Nigga Pass
if you ain't felt a nigga's past!
If we was to go around and start killing crackers,
I'm coming to your college where you chill son /
You thought we wouldn't get revenge for Mike Brown,
I'll catch you there and will son.
[Crowd cheering]
Black lives matter!
He did a school project on battle rap,
that's the only reason his hoass got to talk to me /
So here's my interview answer, Adam: "EAT A DICK"...
and you better quote that properly!!!
Now we got a battle!
Behn Grym got his balls back.
I, I, I man, it's back on my white boy.
Let's finish this motherfucker!
You wanna get personal?
Let's get personal...
His real name is Osiris, that's the Egyptian death god /
Whose wife is Isis -- which is perfect,
cause if he's home late she'll take his fucking head off!/
So yeah my bitch ripped my heart out,
at least that's the only body part I have gone /
Your bitch?
Call her LeBron with how easy she keeps your balls
in her palm!
She's a stuck-up cunt,
wherever they go she makes him pay /
The way you stunt to stay in the box,
it's like you're David Blaine/
[Crowd exclaiming]
I just wonder what your ancestors
who were slaves would say /
Cause you get cuffed and whipped by the ball and
chain till you're Fifty Shades of Grey!
Yo, he's goin' IN on wifey!
Hey, man. Holla at me later, I know a good divorce lawyer, baby.
But for real, I respect how having a family changed
your life's focus/
Especially after your kid was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis /
That's why you did this battle,
to pay for her care with the funds /
So you're putting food on her plate...
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T PUT AIR IN HER LUNGS! /
With Every Breath She Takes,
she feels the Sting like it's hard labor /
She sounds like Darth Vader choking
to death on a jawbreaker /
The shit she coughs up looks like an abstract painting,
she'll probably be an art major /
She can't do the most basic parts of living,
it's obvious God hates her!
[Crowd yelling indistinctly]
And now your battle career is finished running its course /
It's like your daughter -- gasping for breath
and always coming up short /
You hate the things other men
would love to hear from their daughters /
Like when she tells you you're the air that she breathes,
it means you're a terrible father! /
So I'll blow my secondhand smoke all in her face,
and it's not a mistake/
Then I'll flick my cigarette at her
fucking oxygen tank! /
And the gene for her disease is mostly found in white men /
So you should have some questions for your wife then,
like "why the fuck is she so light-skinned?"
[Audience cheering]
Let me see your "you're not the father" dance!
Let me see it man!
She came out the pussy pre-approved
for a mortgage.
Yo, shut the fuck up when I'm rapping!
[Crowd exclaiming]
You're trying to be my hypeman,
I'd rather make you cannon fodder /
I could beat you in a two-on-two match
if I had his daughter as my partner!
Chill out, bro.
We was bigging you up.
No you shut the fuck up.
You're talking during my rounds.
And about his daughter.
Yo, YOU talking about his daughter!
What you talkin' 'bout?
Yeah, but we was in a battle.
Y'all just TALKING.
Keep it rap.
Keep it rap!
We can be in a fuckin' battle,
if you want.
Since y'all on the same side,
all of a sudden.
You're calling us out to battle?
Right now?
If you feel a type of way.
Yeah we feel some type of way,
you talking about my motherfucking daughter man.
Let's do it then, nigga.
Fuck is you talkin' 'bout.
This is some old school battle type shit, okay.
We 'bout to have a freestyle battle,
OFF THE TOP.
No rules, no time limits.
Make some noise for that!
Now 40 and Bluntz, since y'all called them out,
y'all down to go first?
Were always man.
Let's get it in then.
Adam, right?
You been soft half your life /
I should grab your mics and Jackson,
it Don't Matter If You're Black or White
Right now I'm blackin' like Amistad on this fake G-Eazy /
I'm greasy as mama's fried...
Dollar fries!
You been piggin' out in these battles, huh?
But you ain't get the scoop?
We cold!
And anybody hoggin' dies (Haagen Dazs)!
What y'all?
The new Em and Dre?
Fake Renegades, you been afraid /
Centre stage, and I slay,
it's beyond-sayin' (Beyonce) you're Lemonade /
You gon' get this work nigga!
You definitely gon' get this work!
You started rapping a couple days ago,
and YOU make games for Playstation Fo' /
But his gun?
Playstation One, you gotta wait to load.
Y'all team seem iffy...
That's cause they theme scream "Disney" /
His jeans scream "hippie" and his cheeks scream "pinch me" /
They a couple!
They a COUPLE?
That's what I heard.
So in this battle y'all really fought /
Tonight it's gonna be some real awkward pillow talk.
Nah, nah, nah, they an odd couple,
that's why they not even /
And if you talk about my daughter in this battle,
you'll be the one that's not breathin',
motherfucker!
[Crowd cheering]
Okay, okay.
You're both so emotional, you talk shit then bitch and
whine 'cause I replied? /
I guess this is the Future Drake wanted --
What A Time To Be Alive!
These rounds'll leave ya bleedin',
then let's see how they can talk /
So it's not one for the dead homies when they see
that 40 pouring out on the block!
You don't need 'caine to move,
you need canes to move, you old hasbeens /
Can't even watch your own matches without
turning on closed captions.
Both arms in they face, look like they both dabbin'
And even though I'm white I'll (White Owl) light
Bluntz up -- Cause we don't feel he (Phillie)
got the flavor for dope rappin'!!!
See they pull up, I spot 'em then I stretch 'em like
a personal trainer/
Then I lift they soul up...
Like it's a personal savior!
I'm not tryna say all that -- It's my personal favor.
I'm tryna let these shells out early,
they got perfect behavior!
Y'all are moving where you're not wanted,
that's how I know what it feels like to be gentrified.
How you gonna raise your fist at me like you ain't
got a sense of pride? /
I'm not hatin', I'm just sayin' you on that
transgender vibe /
The way you switchin' sides,
I can see the bitch inside
[Crowd exclaiming and laughing]
You're a bitch Mag,
all you do is talk gossip shit and weight loss
'Cause that's the only way these niggas'd
get some flames off
Is if we did a face swap!
Why are you wearing jewelry?
You don't supply drugs
And why are you wearing that...
When you're the one who looks like
he got shocked by a plug! /
I'm Eminem cause I'm white and can rhyme???
Nah, if we talkin' history, that's Pac and that's Biggie --
the only tragedy is that
they DIDN'T die in their prime...
TIME!
Adam, that was crazy man.
I always knew you was nice with it,
but I never knew you went hard like that.
Phew. Wow.
Respect.
The Yo!
That DAUGHTER shit man.
When you said you'd blow up her oxygen tank?
That shit was crazy as fuck.
That's why I watch rap battles!
You bodied his entire family!
Respect.
That battle was awesome.
That two-on-two?
People are going to be talking about that forever.
We should do some more of those.
If the paper's right.
If shit got that heated between friends,
imagine what's gonna happen when we actually put two people
in the ring who don't really fuck with each other.
That's exactly what's about to happen,
because the main event of the epoch is going down
right NOW.
I'm glad we're cool after all the shit that I said.
But -- it's battle rap.
I knew you'd understand.
Yeah I understand.
We ain't cool, though.
The gun'll interrupt him on stage,
I'll grab the Mag-n-Yeezy him.
Oh, my god.
Y'all get it?
Iron, minerals, magnesium.
Interrupt him on stage, grab the mag and fuckin'
YEEZY him?
Y'all need to wake the fuck up.
You the only one tired.
What about the two-on-two?
We killed it up there.
We cool on some rap shit.
I respect your artistry.
You can put together some bars.
But we ain't friends.
But, it's battle rap.
You said a bunch of personal stuff about me.
Anything goes in a battle, right?
Yeah, anything goes.
But you think your words don't have fucking
consequences?
Everybody calling you out on your shit -- my girl.
Your girl.
The whole Berkeley student body.
You keep telling yourself that they just don't understand,
so you can feel like a good person.
What you need to realize:
you're not. You are not a good person.
You're a degenerate scumbag.
This is where you belong.
Where are you going?
Where I belong.
Home. With my family.
You a muthafuckin' legend, bro!
Legends respect legends.
Keep doing your thing.
A'ight, a'ight, ain't I ain't fuckin' with that?
I know what y'all want.
Check this out camel-breeder:
Your ho ain't loyal,
she don't care a bit motherfucker /
THAT'S WHY I FUCKED YO BITCH,
YOU ARABIC MOTHERFUCKER! /
[Crowd yelling]
You walked in on us fuckin',
she still tried to tell "baby,
I'm just flirtin'" /
She a porn star,
she took out the camera and said "baby,
I'm just workin'!"
TIME!
Mega, it's on you.
Que paso mijo, I'm 'bout to murder
you in front of your own people /
Grab the chrome Eagle
and do a drive-by in front of Home Depot /
I don't give a fuck if you're
from El Salvador or Puerto Rico,
that don't matter to me bro /
Cause if you can pack 44
of your folks and your close amigos in a little four-door
Pinto -- then you're Latino /
You think I give a fuck if
you and my bitch date?
And I heard y'all kissed, well that was your mistake/
'Cause now you can tell everybody in the crowd
how my dick tastes /
So what you fucked my bitch?
So did everyone else /
And she said you had a small dick...
matter fact, I'ma have her tell you herself!
Yo!
Yes I fucked this pussy, and yes I'm a porn star
if you can't tell /
I'd say he satisfied me,
[Moans]
but I can't even fake it that well /
To have a below-average dick,
you'd need to be a couple inches bigger /
Yo, you thought we was fucking?
I thought I was being fingered
[Crowd cheering]
This better be good, Adam.
Hey, ba-- Maya.
Thanks for picking up.
I know it's late.
And I'm also probably the last person you expected to
or wanted to talk to right now.
But there's just something I really need to say to you.
So please, just listen.
This shit is fuckin' rigged,
you're gonna just let him walk in with special fuckin'
guests?
This is the wave now?
Fuckin' with guest fuckin' verses?
This is some bullshit, man.
Fuck that.
I'm out this bitch.
You lost anyway!
I completely understand why you did what you did,
with the PowerPoint.
And I forgive you.
I deserve it, even.
I was so terrible.
To you, to our friends, to the whole world.
What I've realized is -- you were right.
When you said that this wasn't me.
I'm not this person.
I'm not like those guys.
The best version of myself, the real version of myself,
is when I was with you.
You make me a better person.
You make me me.
Maya, I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
With no more time off or mistakes or wrong directions.
Maya, what I'm trying to say is...
will you marry me?
You want to get married?
Yes, yes!
More than anything else in the world,
yes.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!!
Delete my number,
you fucking racist misogynist homophobic fuck!
And stay the FUCK away from me!
My opponent quit like a coward,
so I guess I gotta start killin' his squad /
Starting with this bitch over here
looking like Biggie Minaj /
Ho you look like Rah Digga...
Bitch I will bury your ass!
If she was crossed with Godzilla! /
A white dude, an Asian, a black girl,
and a Mexican /
Who the fuck y'all supposed to be,
the United Colors of Benetton? /
Man, it's like the rap version
-of the Village People-- -Chill, chill!
Get the fuck outta my face, Gramz!
Anyone of you motherfucks.
Little punk-ass chumps.
I'll battle any of y'all at once.
Tell Behn what's up!
What's up Mag, what's up Bluntz,
I'll fuck both of you up!
It's another 40 Mag.
He ain't talkin' about me.
Y'all ain't nothing but chumps.
Every single one of you fucks.
I thought Adam you was a freestyler, right?
Well show me what's up.
C'mon bitch show me what's up,
you little fuckin' worm.
Let's get it you geeky-ass dweeb.
You little dick suckin' McLovin.
Come show me some of those freestyles, fuck boy.
Man, I ain't the fuckin' kid to step to/ You see this?
It's that look you have on your face when you've been crying
all day because your bitch just left you/
Maybe it's cause she found your Boy George tapes
and realized you go both ways /
Or maybe it's no one wants to procreate
with your Macaulay Caulkin traits /
And have a kid born one day
with the same pointy nose and ovalshaped /
Topher Grace slash Norman Bates looking bony face /
They got me all the way out here in the Golden State /
Battling with the same little white bitch
that Tupac and Kobe raped! /
Before this cracker learned about the Black Panthers
through his dad's lectures /
He wanted to be a Klan member
but he found out he can't enter /
'Cause they didn't accept people who are transgender /
For setting this up, fuck you too,
I don't trust you either /
You should know the only reason
he wants to be here is cause he got jungle fever /
Looking like Justin Bieber in a fucking muscle T-shirt /
You're a fuckin' fan of Hanson, Marilyn Manson's grandson /
This is a bodybag that you ain't coming back from,
straight up- Shut the fuck up!
[Crowd yelling]
You think you're a super villain?
I'm about to tear your mask off /
'Cause now you're talkin' to the devil like Ivan Karamazov /
You think cause you're a "terrorist martyr Arabic scholar
preparing for Allah" that you can't be served?/
You're not a suicide bomber just 'cause
you got the eyebrows of an Angry Bird! /
I'll go grab Che and let him
bust at you till the chopper jams /
We'll do a drive-by on your falafel stand from his taco van/
You're dating a porn star --
we all know what her vagina's touched/
Most terrorists get 72 virgins --
you got a bitch who's fucked 72 guys at once! /
[Crowd exclaiming]
You think this shit's real?
You call me a faggot
and half of these guys collapse from laughter /
Battle rap is so fucking corny
I'M a battle rapper!
Here's an example -- you caught Che with your girl
and didn't throw a fist at the dude /
But you punched someone for getting in your face,
but if someone's getting in your bitch then it's cool? /
These battlers are all soft,
they just pull the tough guy shit for the views /
Well I'm all up in your face now -- so
what the fuck is this bitch gonna do?
[Stutters] What you goin' do?
What the fuck, fam?
That little love tap?
That was real touching /
But I just murdered my own friend
so you should know that I DON'T FEEL NOTHING! /
You tap chins when you know you can't win,
you thought you could leave me on the ground? /
I mighta lost a tooth, but-- Fuck it,
I JUST BEAT YOU FOR THE CROWN!
[Crowd cheering]
What you goin' do, hit him again?
I've been going to battles for mad years.
I ain't NEVER seen no shit like that.
You the greatest white battle rapper of all time.
Bar none. You the greatest.
Greatest WHITE battle rapper.
Yo, you were fucking amazing.
Like seriously incredible.
I'm honored to be a part of that shit, bro.
Thanks, man.
For real, I fucking love you, man.
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it man, you good.
A-DAM!
Battle release day, battle release day.
[Indistinct chatter]
...THIS is the one you been hearing about.
If I came back from the future to tell myself
this shit happened,
I'd tell myself to get the fuck outta here.
A battler so new he doesn't even have a fuckin' rap name
going up against the ultimate juggernaut of the scene.
On the spot. I got it.
I know.
I know what my rap name should be.
My name is.
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (huh?)
My name is (what?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (what?) excuse me
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady Hi!
Can I have the attention of the class
My name is (huh?)
My name is (what?) (For one second?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi kids!
Do you like violence?
(yeah yeah) Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails
Through each one of my eyelids?
(uh-huh)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
(yeah yeah) Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is?
(huh) My brain's dead weight,
I'm tryin' to get my head straight
But I can't figure out which Spice Girl
I want to impregnate
(oh)
And Dr.Dre said, "Slim Shady you a base-head"
Uh-uh!
"So why's your face red? Man you wasted"
Well since age twelve,
I've felt like I'm someone else
'Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt
Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off
And smacked her so hard
I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross
I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass
Faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast
C'mere slut (Shady, wait a minute, that's my girl dog)
I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (huh?)
My name is (what?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (huh?)
My name is (what?)
My name is Slim Shady
My English teacher wanted to have flunk me in Junior High
Thanks a lot next semester I'll be thirty-five
I smacked him in his face with an eraser
Chased him with a stapler
And stapled his nuts to a stack of papers (ow)
Walked in the strip club,
had my jacket zipped up Flashed the bartender,
then stuck my dick in the tip cup Extraterrestrial,
running over pedestrians In a space ship
while they screamin' at me "Let's just be friends"
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to
I just found out my mom does more dope than I do
(damn)
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper
Make a record about doin' drugs and name it after her
(oh thank you)
You know you blew up when the women rush your stands
And try to touch your hands
like some screamin' Usher fans (ah)
This guy at White Castle asked for my autograph
(Dude, can I get your autograph?)
So I signed it,
"Dear Dave, thanks for the support, asshole!"
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is(what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (huh?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (whot?)
My name is Slim Shady
Stop the tape, this kid needs to be locked away (get him)
Dr. Dre, don't just stand there, operate!
I'm not ready to leave,
it's too scary to die (fuck that)
I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery and
buried alive (Huh yup!)
Am I comin' or goin'? I can barely decide
I just drank a fifth of vodka, dare me to drive? (go ahead)
All my life I was very deprived
I ain't had a woman in years,
and my palms are too hairy to hide
(Whoops!)
Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk
I spit when I talk,
I'll fuck anything that walks (c'mere)
When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits
How you gonna breast feed me Mom? (wah)
You ain't got no tits (wah)
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed
Put a bulletproof vest on
and shoot myself in the head (bang)
I'm steamin' mad (argh)
And by the way when you see my dad? (yeah)
Tell him that I slit his throat,
in this dream I had
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (huh?)
My name is (what?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
Hi!
My name is (huh?)
My name is (who?)
My name is Slim Shady
[Music]