Dr. Branson, please call 5914.
It's like, every time you turn on the TV or look at a magazine,
it's, "Oh, my God, this cake is so delicious."
And, like, your reward or something.
And then, you turn the page, and there's some sad, fat "before" girl,
and she's all, "I hate myself."
And then, the thin "after" girl goes,
"I did this diet, and now I'm happy, and everyone loves me."
What about the chocolate cake?
It's like they're trying to drive us crazy.
"Society's to blame.
The world is so unfair. I have to die."
There's no point in blaming everybody.
Live with it.
Ellen, do you think there's a way you can express that
without discounting Penny's feelings?
♪ It's not the end ♪
♪ It's false jeopardy ♪
♪ I won't be let down ♪
♪ It's not the end, it's not the end ♪
Bitch.
Told you you'd lose. You owe me a carton of Camels.
♪ Just try and be sure ♪
♪ It's not the end, it's not the end ♪
♪ It's false jeopardy ♪
♪ I won't be let down ♪
♪ It's not the end, it's not the end ♪
♪ It's not the end It's not the end ♪
Oh, my God. Look at you. Your parents are gonna kill you.
No more trips to TJ, Rosa. I think they put cement in your lips.
Your mom said, "Take the room in the garage."
There's a room in the garage now?
Every time I come home, you have a new face and there's more house.
- It was gonna be your mother's office. - She's not my mother.
Dinner is half an hour!
- Your father and mother are eating out. - Okay.
- Are you on that dating app again? - No. Come on, what?
- You know what I'm doing. Come on. - Oh.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
All right, go. Get ready.
- All right, ready? - Mm-hmm.
280 for the pork, 350 for the buttered noodles,
125 for the buttered beans, 150 for the roll, and 50...
No, 75 for butter.
- You got it. All of it. Dang. - Yes.
Oh, my God. It's like you have calorie Asperger's.
- I mean, hold the applause. - You're a pro.
Okay, wait. Now, so how many... how many calories you think boogers have?
Ay, don't say that.
What? She probably knows. You know, right?
- Not just the beans, the meat. - I'd say snot's pretty low.
Maybe, like, five to ten, depending on the size of the pickin's.
- The meat. - Mm-hmm.
And you are both being disgusting.
"The meat."
You know, you used to have a jar that you kept all your boogers in?
- No, I didn't. - You absolutely did.
- You probably did. - Hello!
- Stop. No, I didn't. - Sorry we couldn't pick you up.
Work.
Mmm. Did you get settled in?
So, Jack is very upset with you. He's very worried.
Why doesn't Jack tell me himself?
Your father would rather you and I have this talk, okay?
Right.
It's not that he doesn't care. He cares too much.
You don't know.
The doctor said you were defiant and a bad influence on the other girls.
Is this what it's gonna be now? Are you proud of yourself?
I'm maintaining.
I have to weigh you.
The agreement was you could live here
as long as you kept up your end of the bargain.
- You wanna go back to your mother's? - Mom moved to Phoenix with Olive.
Yeah, that's what I mean. Phoenix.
We can put you on the bus, first thing tomorrow.
Jesus.
- I had that cold, and I... - I don't wanna hear it. Get on.
- It's not at zero. - Stop. Stop it. Get on.
God.
Okay.
Turn towards me.
Do you see that? Do you see what you look like?
Yeah.
Do you think that's beautiful?
No.
So, what are you gonna do about it?
Jesus Christ. We can't do this again. I can't do this again.
You have a car now, right?
Yeah.
What?
You're using me to burn off half a pack of lifesavers or some shit.
- The view is best at the top. - Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Hey, look. Don't tell anyone, okay?
- A butterfly tattoo? - Yeah.
Were you drunk?
- No. Butterflies are classic. - They're retarded.
Okay, I'm sorry I didn't have your artistic eye to advise me,
so I got a retarded butterfly.
I mean, it's pretty.
Dad and Susan are gonna kick me out, or drag me to that treatment.
- Okay, so eat. - I eat.
You know that I love you like a full sister,
but you look like absolute crap.
And every time I ask you why you do this,
I always get some stupid non-answer from you.
At least, I'm a cheap date.
That stuff goes further on an empty stomach.
I've got it under control.
Nothing bad's gonna happen.
How many people do you think are down there?
Like, two million?
I bet a bunch of them who are about to die just said the exact same thing.
- That's not breakfast. - Neither is coffee. Dad home?
He had an early meeting.
Hey.
You have a choice.
There's one last person that we want you to see, a specialist.
- It wasn't easy getting an appointment... - I think I will call my mom.
- I should at least try Phoenix. - We spoke to your mother last night.
She says it's not a good time for her to take this on.
But she sends hugs.
Now, you know me, I enjoy people, but your mother is selfish.
Do you think we wanted to stay in the Valley? North Hollywood.
But... with this and school for you and Kelly, only thing we can afford.
Not that I... love the Westside. You can never find parking.
Well, at least on our side, we have Pier 1, which I love.
Over there at the Grove, all you have is Cost Plus World Market.
I mean, all that is just junk.
You too? Was it hard getting an appointment?
We were on the waiting list for six months.
Six months? Ooh, it wasn't that long for us.
I guess word is out about his success rate.
So, I hear that his methods are a little unconventional.
They're quite radical. But we've tried everything else. Renfrew, Maudsley.
Maudsley? Ooh, you're brave. Was that a nightmare?
It took a long time getting used to it.
- Does that really work? - No, I'm just thirsty.
How old are you, anyway? Your mom said you had to drop out of college.
Twenty. And she's not my mom.
Twenty, wow. And you're some kind of artist?
Your... Well, that lady said you're kind of famous.
She's nuts.
But you had, like, a crazy fan or something.
Susan, my stepmom, has a reality problem. You get one letter, you have a crazy fan.
Seriously? She made it sound like you had a stalker or something.
Yeah. Not even.
She said she was taking the anti-depressants,
but she'd been flushing them down the toilet.
She was afraid they would make her gain weight.
And I know, she has a right to lash out. Her mother Judy, she is a bipolar lesbian.
- That is not why... - Judy has had several breakdowns,
hospitalizations.
Poor Ellen had to call us one time
because her mother was writing her own bible on the walls.
Judy came out when Ellen was 13.
The child is going through puberty, and overnight, she's got two moms?
Traumatic. It has got to have something to do with the weight and...
Sounds rough.
But looking for one reason is a losing battle. It's never that simple.
Absolutely. I say that to her father all the time. He blames himself.
Now, I think throwing Ellen into the deep end, real life...
might do her some good.
My family was on welfare.
- We had nothing. - Okay, thank you. I think I got it.
- You do a lot of sit-ups. - Not that many.
It wasn't a question. That's where you get these bruises on your spine.
Your stepmom always talk that much?
You know how sharks have to keep swimming or they'll die?
She's kinda like that with talking.
Take a deep breath.
Let it out.
Again.
And one more.
When was the last time you got your period?
God.
Um...
It must have been...
A long time ago.
I don't feel... that unhealthy, you know?
If I wanna be thin, don't they say that that's better?
I'll outlive the normies.
- You like this? The furry? - What? No, I'm not...
Lanugo. Your body's trying to keep you warm by making more hair.
But you know that, right?
I talk to kids like you all day, every day.
So, I know that you are, as a rule, full of shit.
You're not thin. You scare people. And I'm guessing you like that.
But the way that you're going, one day, you won't wake up.
And I'm not going to treat you if you aren't interested in living.
Good speech.
If I'm going to help you, you have to agree to a few things.
- What? - No talk about food.
I'm not interested. It's boring and not very helpful.
And your parents can't talk about it either.
- You're on your own, understand? - Yes.
You'll agree to a minimum of six weeks in-patient.
I don't need more in-patient.
Then find another doctor.
- Well? - He wants to admit me on Monday.
He said that? He said he'll admit you?
This is great! What exactly did he say?
Is Dad coming?
Uh, you know, we didn't have much time to talk, but he's on his way home.
Dad's coming?
Mm...
- He's on his way, but he said not to wait. - So, he's not coming.
Hey, what happened to that sweet girl that I met at Transitions?
- The Mexican. - Angel?
- Mm-hmm. - Her mom's from El Salvador.
You know what I mean.
You two seemed very close. And I just...
I want you to know that it's fine if you were.
- Thank you, Susan. - Jesus, Mom.
Just because her mom is gay does not mean that she's gay.
You know, you can get married now.
I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying, you know, if you...
if you have that kind of turmoil,
then you might feel like you don't deserve to eat.
Pussy, you mean.
Are you done? I've got a special dessert.
Yup, all done. Thanks.
Well, I'm so sorry Dad couldn't be here for your lesbian coming out party.
It really sucks. I mean, I believe it, but...
No, I'm... I'm fine.
Will you try... this time?
I mean, maybe this doctor is really great. Can you please just try this time?
Ta-da!
Isn't it funny?
It's a cake.
With the syrup and the nuts, it was literally heaven.
Life in these arctic temperatures is measured
by the briefest moments of light...
- This is it? You're sure? - Yeah, this is the address.
Oh, hi.
- Oh, that's okay. - Please.
- So I can get my points. - Okay.
- So, what's your name? - Ellen.
Anna. Bulimia nervosa. Although, more nervosa than bulimia now.
That's Kendra.
Here you go. Welcome to Threshold. I'll, uh... I'll go get Lobo.
Lobo!
This is... very nice, homey.
Hey.
Uh, hi, are you Lobo?
Lucus. Like "mucus."
But I prefer "Luke." Lobo is a dame.
- A dame? - A broad, a skirt.
Raymond Chandler is my muse since I got here.
To the hardscrabbled streets of LA, that is.
- Oh. - Wow.
- I'm from London, originally. - London? How interesting.
Did you come all this way for Dr. Beckham?
By way of Jersey. It's a sordid tale.
- But he's the best, so... - Well, Ellen's from Los Angeles.
- How interesting. - Not really.
Well... see you around, sweetheart.
God.
He seemed nice, funny.
Here we go. Nothing fancy. That's Pearl.
Anna's in here too, when she's not running around.
We usually have six patients,
but, right now, we have seven because of Luke.
- He's down the hall. - I like your pants.
Oh. Thanks.
I, uh... like your ponies.
Thanks.
Sorry.
It's gross.
Oh, this girl from the last place I was in had a permanent tube in her stomach.
She refused to chew.
Ew. I chew.
So, I'm gonna have to search this. Any knives or X-Actos I should know about?
- Are you cutter? - Nope, not that on-trend.
- Some of these girls are cutters? - Oh, yeah.
We have a lot of overachievers in here.
- I'm gonna have to take these. - It's just a multivitamin.
It's a vitamin bottle. Could be diet pills, speed, laxatives...
And we don't have time to test for everything. We'll give you a vitamin.
And can I have your phone, please?
Do you have any other electronic devices? iPad?
My iPad doesn't even have wireless. I just use it to draw.
Dr. Beckham says you should draw on paper until he says different.
- God, what did you say to him? - I just explained the situation.
Okay. Um...
I should let you get settled, right?
Uh, is Dr. Beckham here? I'd like to just pop in before I go.
He's only here in the morning and usually stops by after dinner.
I just thought you should know about her tricks.
Oh. We know all the tricks.
That's why we don't have any doors.
They know we'd jog around the room all day if nobody could see us.
It'd be like the Rexie Olympics up in here.
Okay. Call us if you need anything, and, um... we'll see you soon, okay?
- Be good. - Okay.
Not too good. Not perfect.
Got it.
I got it.
Pearl usually gives the tour, but, obviously, she's not going anywhere.
So, Luke is your guy.
- Ellen, Luke. - We've met. Onward.
This, as you can see, is a living room.
We meet here twice a day for "Bitch and Bawl."
What?
It's what we call our group therapy.
- Well, it's what I call group therapy. - And what's the deal with levels?
I prefer to think of them as draconian points
earned for good behavior.
Like when you were little and you had chores, if you had chores.
This is the torture chamber, also known as the dining room.
Chores, uh, which I never had
because that would assume I had parents who gave a shit...
- So, you do chores to get points? - Among other things, yes.
And Lobo and the other nurses and counselors can give them
or take them away at will.
Amass enough points, level up.
Earn extra privileges, like, you can go out of the house on your own.
I'm actually currently deciding on where to go on my next outing.
So far, I've eaten at nine of the places on Jonathan Gold's essential 100 list.
Jonathan Gold is my muse.
Raymond Chandler was your muse a few minutes ago.
I know. Isn't that fantastic? Nobody can keep up with me.
Onward.
So, welcome to our new house member, Ellen.
- Hi. - Hi, Ellen.
Hello.
So, how this works... This is just an end of day check-in.
The morning sessions are a little more focused.
This is just to talk about struggles and our victories and...
any other issues you might be having here in the house.
Let's start with Pearl.
Struggle...
I got tubed today, and, uh... you know, it hurts.
Now, I feel all...
hot.
I can't stop thinking about how many calories are in that drip.
- They won't say. - Fifteen hundred.
I looked it up. I was tubed a couple times.
Ellen, we try not to crosstalk.
We don't talk about numbers or weight or anything like that.
- Sorry. - Fifteen hundred?
How are you feeling right now, Pearl? It's okay.
I don't know. Just...
that it's hard getting better.
And I'm guessing that you're worried about how you're gonna be burning it off,
especially when everybody's here watching you?
Do you know why you feel that way?
- Because I... have an addiction? - In a way, yes.
When the exercise and the rituals kick in
and... the cyclical thoughts about weight take over,
everything else goes away.
And starving yourself can make you feel euphoric,
like a drug addict or an alcoholic.
It's not about "thin enough," right?
There's no "thin enough." It doesn't exist.
What you crave is the numbing of the thing that you don't wanna feel.
And we give you a lot of rope here.
It's scary, but only you can decide... to see what's good, to be alive.
- You understand? - Kind of.
- I'm trying. - Yeah, you are.
Talk to me, brother.
My victory was leading a fantastic house tour...
and earning another point,
which means I get to go to Guelaguetza, Oaxacan restaurant,
number 26 on Mr. Gold's essential 100.
And affordable, which is also essential. Ballet companies don't pay you a fortune.
That's great. Talk to me about your struggles.
Don't know, really. I guess I'm obsessing about my injury
and... if I'll be able to perform when I get get out of here.
- But I've got a goal. So, that's good. - You have a couple of goals.
Eating Oaxacan and getting healthy so you can dance again.
Damn straight. I've got goals coming out my wazoo.
Ellen?
Struggle, um...
Coming here.
I mean, accepting that I have to come here.
So, maybe your victory is that you're here.
Hmm?
Yeah, maybe.
Did Luke explain about meals?
No. By the time we got to that, he was onto some musical thing.
- ♪ Sugar blues ♪ - That.
♪ Everybody's singin' the sugar blues ♪
- ♪ Sugar blues ♪ - Luke.
Eat what you want.
If you have special food, like Kendra here does, that's fine.
- We'll get it for you. - That's it?
No, you're definitely judged. When you eat, points magically appear.
What he means is, if you're maintaining or moving towards your goal,
you go up a level.
- How you do it is up to you. - Really?
Yeah, but no one leaves the table at mealtime,
and bathrooms are locked for 30 minutes after.
And there's no point pretending to eat
or throwing up into the plants or whatever.
It smells, and it doesn't end up on the scale.
Got it.
- Thank you, Lobo. - De nada.
- All right. Who wants to say grace? - Oh, sorry.
- Dear Jesus... - Take us to church.
Allah, Oprah, My Little Pony, or whoever your personal savior is...
help us to give our bodies what they need to grow strong and beautiful
because every single person at this table deserves to live.
- Mm. - Amen.
Bon appétit.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God. This is so fucking good. Oh, my God.
Pearl?
You freaked her out with the 1500 thing. I mean, it's not your fault...
- I didn't mean... - Oh, no, no, no. It's not your fault.
I mean, don't stress.
- How many in-patients have you done? - Four.
Six. The rest of these guys, they have no idea.
I mean, Pearl's not actually just upset about the tube. She might get kicked out.
Seriously? I mean, she looks pretty sick.
No, Dr. Beck says that hospitals are for sick people.
We're here to get over that shit.
Ice cream's my favorite.
- It comes up the easiest. - How do you know you got it all?
When your barf is clear and it doesn't burn anymore.
Oh. I wish I could barf. I'm only good at the binging part.
- You purge? - I tried. It's not my thing.
So, how do you get rid of it if you can't barf?
- It's gross. - Tell me.
Your ponies wouldn't want you to cry. Hello Kitty wouldn't want you to cry.
The unicorn on the stairs wouldn't want you to cry.
Hey, there.
- Settling in? - Yeah.
- Where's everyone else? - May I?
Okay.
Anna went to the movies.
Points.
Cool.
I'm having your family come in for a group session tomorrow afternoon.
It's standard when I see new patients.
If it's productive, we'll do it from time to time.
Okay.
- Even my mom? - Even Mom.
Wow.
I told her it takes me longer to drive in from the Valley
than it does to fly from Phoenix.
Okay, kiddo.
Glad you're here.
I didn't mean it.
I... I mean, I didn't mean for my drawings to do what they did.
- What? - On Tumblr.
I know Susan told you what happened, and... it'll come up, I bet.
Right.
I was just doing what all my teachers told me to do.
Draw what you know?
- Yeah. - I hear you.
Just keep it for yourself, for now, okay?
Okay.
Good night.
Oh. Sweaty.
I ran home from the movies. Don't tell anyone.
Okay.
- What movie did you see? - Oh, um...
They were playing Shaun of the Dead at the New Beverly with Zombieland.
- No way. - Yeah.
Emma Stone's kinda fat. Don't you think?
Oh, no, I think she's just big-boned.
She's, like, at least, a size six.
- Anyway, 'night. - 'Night.
Mutually assured destruction.
Right.
I'm breaking 120 today, dolls.
- Is that going up or down? - Up. Eighty-nine when I came in.
Eighty-nine? How tall are you?
You're a beautiful unicorn.
- You, cheer captain, come on. - All right.
Let's do this.
Megan's been gaining. She's flipping out.
But, I mean, she wants to, I think, for her baby.
- She... She's pregnant? - Oh, nobody said?
- Jesus, I didn't even think about... - I know.
That's why Luke calls her "the unicorn."
She gets her period once and gets pregnant off some guy she barely knows.
I'm never having a baby.
No way.
Where are you?
That's probably Dad, right?
- Making some excuse. - Yeah, annoying.
- I heard them fighting this morning. - Great.
That's great.
Oh, my God.
Mom...
You... You look like a ghost.
It's okay.
Why?
Mom, it's okay, it's okay.
My God.
- No dad? - I'm sorry, work.
Well, he has to support his family...
and pay alimony, still, and the medical bills and...
Understood.
Bet you didn't expect this much "gynergy" today.
I do think this is a record number of mothers for one patient.
Okay, I want everybody to understand nobody's on trial here.
I just want to get a sense of the family.
Well, until recently, Ellen lived with us.
She moved in with her father 18 months ago.
We thought it might be good for her to heal that relationship.
He's shown little interest in who Ellen really is.
He's only interested in who he wants her to be.
Ellen is an artist. She's extremely bright and sensitive.
She was never going to go into Chinese
- or computers or what have you. - What?
Is that what you think your dad wants for you?
I don't know. I guess... I think he just wants me to be able to make a living.
- Exactly. Is that a crime? - No crimes, remember?
The point is, Ellen's father never saw who she was.
He left when she was very young...
Yeah, because you were sleeping with your best friend over there.
- No, that's not why the marriage ended. - There's a better reason?
We are not here to defend our relationship.
When are you going to come up with a different narrative, Susan?
- What narrative? - What narrative?
- Susan... - No, this is the truth.
- Jack didn't wanna have sex. - Well, he likes it with me just fine.
- Twice a week, like clockwork. - Oh, my God.
Besides, he's not the one who abandoned her.
We did not abandon Ellen. We moved to Phoenix.
They threw her out. They put her bags on the street.
Because we'd been dealing with Ellen's illness alone for years.
I didn't abandon my daughter. I love her more than life.
I just didn't know what to do. She's dying right in front of us.
What's going on with you right now?
I'm sorry...
that I'm not a person anymore.
I'm a problem.
- And it's all my fault. - Fuck fault.
Fault and blame have no place here. Only how you wanna live, moving forward.
Who you wanna be.
How about you, Kelly? What do you think of all this?
Um... I, uh...
I feel kind of angry, I guess.
I just... I just don't really... Really get it.
You know, just... eat.
I don't know. It's just like... It's not her life that she's just missing out on.
It's...
It's my life, too. You know, I don't get to have...
a sister.
You know, I look at pictures of my prom and stuff, and...
and all I think of is, like, "Oh, that's when...
Ellen was in the hospital," or...
"That's when she fainted on the bus."
All right.
And all of my friends, they think that she's some kind of freak.
- Like, a freak who killed a girl. - Because of the blog?
- Tumblr. - Yeah, and that's bad enough,
but now, people wanna be like her and look like her
and go through what she's going through.
Nobody died because of Ellen's artwork, okay?
There's plenty of stuff out there for people to fetishize.
But that certainly didn't help, to have notoriety for starving...
But that's what I'm saying.
- Ellen has talent. - I didn't say she doesn't.
But if you hadn't made her take her artwork away from her audience,
she might have found her voice.
Ellen took it down herself after that young woman died
because she knew it was the right thing to do.
- You are so full of shit, Susan. - What?
Do you even hear what Judy is saying?
A young women died.
- No, no, no. - Meet me in the car.
I'm sorry, we just... We just can't take you with us right now.
- We're gonna miss our plane. - Okay, all right.
- All right? - Okay.
Ellen... be strong, okay?
Hey, I'm really sorry if I got you in any sort of trouble...
- Please, no, I'm sorry. I hate that... - No, no, no, it's... it's whatever.
You can forget it.
What a shit-show.
You really need to get better so you never have to see those people ever again.
If you die...
I will kill you.
Okay. I'll see you.
See ya.
- Dinner. - I'm staying up here.
You don't have to eat, but the rule is that everyone has to sit down.
Have you been thinking about baby names?
Not yet.
I have a whole list of favorites that you can have.
I was actually considering a new moniker.
- What about Dean or Tex? - When I get out of the first trimester.
Do you want to get out of the first trimester?
- Jesus, Luke. - Stay out of this, Mia.
This is between us rexies. She knows what I'm talking about.
I don't know. I'm terrified. It just feels so... out of control.
But it's kind of a miracle, you know?
'Cause I didn't think anything was working down there. So, maybe...
I'm supposed to have this baby.
And I want to.
I just want to think about something besides me for once.
Amen, sister.
- We should have a baby shower. - No, I don't wanna jinx it.
- No, please. A shower would be so cute. - Yeah, no.
All right, fine. Maybe.
- If I get past 12 weeks. - Yay!
Well, we're gonna help you make it past. Every bite you take feeds the miracle.
Pass the potatoes.
- Oh, my God... - Are you sure?
- I don't know. - Here they are.
- Just don't talk. - Here they are.
- Miracle potatoes. - Miracle, miracle potatoes.
- I like that. - Pretty good.
How about the newbie? How you doin'?
Finished.
- What happened? - She had family therapy today.
- Oh. - Makes sense.
Mm-hmm.
Hey. I missed dinner.
I found your barf stash.
Keep this to yourself and I'll get you some laxatives.
- I don't... I don't use... - Come on, I know you want them.
You think I haven't seen that thing that you do?
What thing?
Making sure your arm doesn't get bigger than, what, a silver dollar?
Deal.
Cigarette for dinner.
- That's not gonna get you points. - Not in the mood.
Okay.
And who in hell made you house den mother?
You walk around here like you've got it all figured out.
Well, if you're so fixed and special,
why don't you go back to New Jersey or London
or wherever the fuck you're from?
I am going back, as soon as my BMI's closer to my age.
But right now, I'd rather try and help people
than mope about feeling sorry for myself.
You have no idea how I'm feeling.
- I never said I did. - And what? You wanna help people?
What are you, a doctor now?
- You feel pretty proud of yourself? - Yeah, I am, actually.
I'm moving the needle in the right direction.
Sorry if that scares you.
But people actually go home sometimes and have a life,
even people with fucked-up families.
Yeah. There goes that fucking excuse again, huh?
Enter.
Hey.
- Hey. - Don't be all pleased with yourself.
Wow. I never thought I'd meet anyone more defensive than I am.
And yet...
So, you've been here awhile.
Six months.
- Is that you? - Hard to believe, I know.
I didn't mean that... Yeah, I can tell that it's you.
Incredible.
You know what it's like to be 19 and feel like you've already peaked?
Um, a relief.
No. I loved it. I could push it and push it.
And then I broke and went batshit, obviously.
But my knee's getting better, and my company director says
he'll have a place for me as soon as I get my act together, so...
- It's my drawing. - Yeah.
I printed it off your Tumblr, like, a year ago.
That's why I acted like such a spaz when you first got here.
- You're like my... - You're muse?
Shut up.
I just figured, somebody so talented,
I had to be brilliantly charming to get you to like me.
- Well, you overshot. - I'm aware.
In my defense, though, I've been running on empty for so long
that when I actually eat now, I get this crazy burst of energy.
- That's why you're so weird. - I'm always weird. That's why I'm...
assertive.
How do you do it? Eat. I mean, I see you, and I just... I get...
I get all panicky even thinking about it, like, the world is gonna fall apart.
I feel that way. But you know, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Yeah, but aren't you scared you won't be able to stop?
- That you're just gonna... - Be like one of those guys
who has to be lifted out of his bed with a crane?
Yeah, but Dr. Beck says that's not gonna happen, so...
- Yeah, but he has to say that. - Well, he's pretty straight-up.
Plus, I'm not gonna lie. I'm really fuckin' hungry.
Like, two years worth of hungry.
Whenever I can't sleep, I draw food.
Oh, yeah? Like... what?
- Do you know what a Goo Goo Cluster is? - Oh, my God.
Yeah, greatest candy bar ever.
Peanuty, marshmallowy greatness.
Oh, it's 240 calories there, 110 from fat.
Whoa. Calorie Asperger's.
- Maybe. - My last meal would be a whole box of 'em.
Oh, yeah? How would you eat them? Show me.
You wish.
Um, right. Well, I'd better...
Right, right, right. Yes.
- See you tomorrow? - Where else would I be?
Good night.
Epic.
Step on.
- Unless you wanna face the other way. - No, I'm good.
I didn't sew rocks into my panties, if you're worried.
I'm not.
Step off.
Wow, that's bad.
You know what the body burns after there's no more fat?
Muscle. Organ tissue.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be flopping around like a boneless fish.
Thanks for that. Yeah, I'm scared straight.
Anna, you're next!
I want a baby dragon.
- Megan? - Huh?
- What do you think? - It's good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, I'll finish it.
I told her not to.
You feel anything?
Not yet.
I like what you said before... about thinking more about somebody else.
Yeah.
I think that's what being a mom is supposed to be about... you know?
- Putting the kid first. - Yeah.
Yeah, it's not like I know what I'm talking about, but...
No, I... I think you do.
- You're gonna be a good mom. - ♪ Sugar blues ♪
- Thank you. - ♪ Everybody's singing the sugar... ♪
Huh.
Good evening, ladies.
- Good evening. - Hi, Luke.
Oh, wh...
What is...? What's that noise?
You hear that? It's so weird. I feel like there's, uh...
Oh...
Oh.
You know you want it.
Shh!
Okay, don't make it a sex thing.
It is a sex thing. Don't pretend it's not.
Ready?
Oh...
Oh, there it is.
- I... I can't. - You can.
Chew, swallow. The world will not implode, I swear.
Come on, do it.
Do it.
- God. - Right?
- Hmm. - Touch it.
We can hear you, freak.
- Yeah, freak, don't be so gross. - Come on, just a little. Get it on you.
Come on, get it on you.
Right? Okay.
Now, a little bite... for me.
- For you? - Mm-hmm.
I didn't even like you until five minutes ago, so, like...
- Maybe just, you know, not... - You like me.
- Shut up.
- She likes me. - Shut up.
- Don't press your luck. - She likes me. You like me.
- Take a bite. - Can we be done?
- You like me. Come on. Have a little bite. - Okay, seriously, back off!
God...
Coward.
Tomorrow, you bite.
Luke just made me touch chocolate.
- He's so weird. - He's totally weird sometimes.
I think the baby just moved. Smell that. Yeah, get in on that.
- Is anybody watching this movie? - Nobody cares about dragons.
How are you doing after family therapy?
It's pretty much how it always is when my folks are together.
- Minus your dad. - Like I said.
But I don't feel as bad as I thought I was going to.
Why do you think that is?
I'm getting to know some of the people in the house.
Some of them actually seem like they're doing okay.
- I hope so. - No, I mean, really okay.
Like they might get lives and be semi-interesting people.
Did you just say something vaguely optimistic?
I did say "semi"...
but... yeah.
- So, the family... - Can I be honest?
I've talked about my dad, all that family stuff.
I have issues. Whatever.
Talk is not helping.
I think you're right.
- Really? - Generally, I just need a few facts.
And we're never doing family therapy again.
It doesn't seem to be useful here. That was a shit-show.
- Yeah, that's what my sister said. - I liked her.
- Yeah, me too. We get along great. - I could tell.
She was the only one who had something to say that wasn't entirely self-serving.
Yeah.
- Now, I'm gonna be honest with you. - Uh-oh.
- I'm not crazy about your name. - What?
"Ellen" doesn't suit you. It's too old-fashioned.
- I've never really liked it. - So, change it.
I can't just change it.
I can't, right?
Just tell people to call you by a different name.
Or, if you wanna make it legal, you can fill out a form online
in about ten minutes.
I was thinking "Ellie."
- Ooh... - That's no good. No.
How about...
"Eli"?
Call me "Eli."
- You get your iPad? - Oh, yeah.
The world opens up beyond your wildest dreams
when you put on some LBs.
- Eli? - Yeah.
Don't tell me you're gay now, too.
The male population cannot take another quality defection.
- Most definitely not gay. - Thank God.
No, "Eli" is a... new name for me.
Ellen... Eli...
Hm, I like it. It's very... George Sand.
You're dazzling. You know that, Eli?
So, I'm officially inviting Eli to my dinner out tomorrow night.
As part of my reward, I can take anyone I want.
Um, I'm not really restaurant ready, but thanks.
It can be your pick. It doesn't even have to be on Mr. Gold's essential 100.
No, you should take someone who bites and chews...
We can walk there.
All the way to Hollywood or wherever, and you don't have to eat.
Can I run?
- I don't run, psycho. My knee, remember? - Well, can you walk fast?
I read that it doesn't matter how fast you walk.
It's distance. You burn the same amount of calories.
- That's bullshit. - Will you just slow down a little?
I'm not even going that fast.
Um...
I will have the number 12 with the rice and the egg roll.
Mm-hmm.
Can I have the Tom Tum Kai soup?
- It comes with your entrée. - Oh, that's all...
She'll have the number 12, too, with the egg roll.
No.
- Yes. - No.
She'll have the number 12, too, with the egg roll.
- And to drink? - We'll have two Tsingtao.
Your ID?
I... I don't wanna put you on the spot or anything, um...
but we're from the hospice.
For cancer.
Um...
- I'm sorry. I can't serve you without ID. - It's just, um...
This is our first date.
It's maybe our only date. I just...
I don't know. I wanted it to be special.
Thank you very much.
We can pick a different disease for different restaurants.
You're so sick.
- We both are, actually. - Yeah.
I put it in there so nobody would ask questions.
- Thank you. Thank you so much. - Yeah.
♪ Oh... ♪
- You are so... - ♪ Oh... ♪
- Are you...? - ♪ Oh... ♪
You are so wrong.
- Hmm? - Mm-hmm.
- Bite. - I don't like egg rolls.
Who doesn't like egg rolls?
Chew and spit if you wanna be lame, but you look thinner.
If I taste it, will you leave me alone?
If you taste everything, I will leave you alone.
Oh, yeah. So good.
- Yeah. - Mm.
- Mm! - Right? It's good, right?
Uh-huh. Mm.
- Swallow that egg roll. - Blegh!
Oh...
Oh!
Jesus Christ. That was a thing of great beauty.
- That's super hot. - I know. It's what I was going for.
So, I find out I can pull the patient ID thing all the way up my arm
and hide it underneath my T-shirt,
and I just get out past the nurse's station, I just walk out.
- Where were you even going? - The beach?
I don't even know.
But there I am, just jogging down Wilshire Boulevard.
I'm a full-on crazy person,
and I'm jogging at the light... when my mom drives up.
- She was on the way to the hospital. - Oh, my God.
You don't like it?
No, I do. It's just, um...
She... She just gets a bit nauseous because of, um...
the chemo.
But it tastes really good. The beer really helps.
- I'll get you another one, no charge. - Thank you very much.
- Yes. - Oh, my God.
- No charge. - Oh, my God, we're going to hell.
Yeah.
- Did he try to kiss you? - Ew! Does he even like girls?
No.
I don't know.
What I'm trying to say is,
why does she get to leave the house when she's only level two?
- It was Luke's night out. - Yeah, but Ellen got to go.
It's "Eli" now.
It might make you feel better to know that Dr. Beck scheduled a special trip
for you guys in a couple of days.
- Tell me it's not the Holocaust Museum. - No.
My mother took me there to make me feel shitty, you know, about starving.
It's okay. We're Jewish.
Damn, Dr. Beck. Are you trying to turn me straight?
That's a different program.
- Hi, everyone. - Hey!
Okay, so this place we're going, I had to pull some strings to get us in there,
so you have to behave.
Tell us. I can't stand it.
Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!
I don't like this.
I'm definitely getting a Holocaust vibe, doc.
- It's okay, I promise. - I don't believe you.
What is it?
Art.
Somebody tell me why we're here!
Because we're alive.
Very good.
♪ Water leave Through the valleys you wore down ♪
♪ Wear me down ♪
♪ Drown me in the water ♪
♪ Drown me in the sea ♪
♪ Lose me in the dark Drag me to the deep ♪
♪ Let your water wash over me ♪
♪ Water ♪
♪ Water rise ♪
♪ Find a woman ♪
♪ And dance through the moon's light ♪
♪ Leave me the rain ♪
♪ Drown me in the water ♪
♪ Drown me in the sea ♪
♪ Lose me in the dark Drag me to the deep ♪
♪ Let your water wash over me ♪
♪ Wash ♪
♪ Drown me in your water ♪
♪ Drown me in the water ♪
♪ Drown me in the sea ♪
♪ Drown me in the water ♪
♪ Drown me in the sea ♪
♪ Drown me in the water ♪
♪ Drown me in the sea ♪
Here you go.
You're shaking like a chihuahua.
I know what you're trying to do.
Life's beautiful and all that... shit.
And that upsets you because...?
Because it is.
I mean, I... I know it can be, but I... I can't stop.
And I don't even know why. I just... I just can't.
Yeah, that's bullshit. That voice that says you can't.
Every time you hear that voice, I want you to tell it to fuck off.
- Fuck off, voice! - Yeah! Fuck off!
- Fuck you, voice! - Fuck you, voice!
- Fuck off!
Fuck!
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah! Yeah!
Fuck off.
- That's what they always say. - I know.
- What are you... ooh! - I'll go blueberry.
I didn't say...
Try not to look too pleased with yourself.
Mm-hmm.
"Cassidy." That's her name.
Um...
It's a girl, and today she is 12 weeks and one day old.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
Can we have the baby shower now?
Yes, but I... Just don't be a spaz about it, okay?
- Okay. Sorry. - Don't go...
She's gonna have ponies everywhere.
Ta-da!
Oh, yeah.
Amazing.
I mean, that's one sassy unicorn.
I can't believe you drew that for her.
- You're welcome. - It's awesome.
Um, I love you guys and thank you.
Cheers.
Whee!
- It's so crazy. - It's so high.
- I'm actually quite terrified. - Oh, my God.
- Fifty feet up. - Here we go.
Whoa. Whoa!
- All right, now it's your turn. - No, I'd better not.
- Fucking knee. - That knee.
Yup.
Sorry.
Did somebody bad touch you as a kid or something?
- It's a big rexie thing. - No.
Not really.
Hmm. Let's talk about that "really."
Just normal shit.
The second you get boobs, it's like open season.
You guys are pretty disgusting that way.
We could at least have some manners about it.
Not rub up against you guys on the bus.
Oh, bus rubbing.
Titty grabbing... gross dirty talk... night stalking...
You're all basically just a bunch of portable holes for men to fuck.
Hmm.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
So... have you... done it?
Or... was it just too appalling?
Entirely too appalling.
Ever had an orgasm?
- Um... God! - Sorry.
- You don't have to answer that. - Personal.
It's different for guys, you know. It's... It's very different.
There it is... bobbing at you.
Just bobbing, begging to be manhandled.
That's... That's way too much information.
Not right now, but it could be.
I just...
- Okay. - I...
I need to do my research. And you...
need to be touched by someone who actually cares about you.
Luke...
I'm falling in love with you.
- God! Luke, really? I... - I'm sorry.
- No, sorry, it's just... - No, you're right.
It'll be like slapping two bags of bones together anyway.
- We should go back inside. - Hey! What the fuck?
What the fuck what?
Suddenly, you decide this is a physical thing,
and I'm caught by surprise,
and now you're just gonna go pout and make this my fault?
All right, I'm sorry. Obviously, it was a bad idea.
I just thought, if you knew I wanted it to be good or different...
And you're falling in love with me?
Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to unleash the Kraken.
- I've known you for, like, three weeks. - Well, I've known you for two years.
Your drawing, the way you see things...
Yeah? Oh, okay.
This rexie girl, who saw my stuff on Tumblr, liked the way I saw... so much,
that when she slit her wrists, she left me the fucking note.
And you know what her parents did?
They sent me pictures... so I'd really know what I'd done.
People say they love you...
but what they mean is,
they love how loving you makes them feel about themselves.
Or... Or they love what they can take from you.
I don't even know where to start with that. That's all kinds of wrong.
I'm done.
Okay, all right, you win! All right? You're the queen of darkness.
Hey, come on!
- Megan! - Megan?
Megan! Megan, it's Luke! Let me in!
I thought I was safe.
I know, I know.
It's gonna be okay.
I know. I'm sorry.
Guys, go back to bed.
Can you push a baby out by throwing up too hard?
Yeah, that's exactly how it happens. Don't be an idiot.
Good morning.
- Good morning. - Hi.
How's Megan?
She's at the hospital. She's fine now, physically.
She's not sure she wants to come back here...
which I understand.
Can we visit her?
Not yet, but I think, in a few days, that's exactly what she needs.
I wanna go home.
I bet you do.
Listen. Bad things are going to happen. That's not negotiable.
What is, is how you deal with it.
Would you read this?
- Do I have to? - No.
Okay.
'"Courage' by Anne Sexton.
It is in the small things that we see it.
The child's first step, as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike, wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking, when your heart went on a journey all alone.
When they called you 'crybaby' or 'poor' or 'fatty' or 'crazy'...
and made you into an alien...
you drank their acid and you concealed it."
"Later, if you faced the death of bombs and bullets...
you did not do it with a banner.
You did it with only a hat to cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal that you kept swallowing."
So, Megan did decide to go home.
Anybody wanna talk about that?
It's her fault. She was purging.
I think Megan wanted her baby. I really think she did.
- We shouldn't have had the shower. - No, I don't think it was that.
Eli, you and Luke found her.
That must have been hard.
That baby was never gonna make it.
- Where is Luke, anyway? - He's at the doctor for his knee.
Eli?
Eli.
What's going on with you?
Nothing.
Lobo tells me you're about a day away from getting the tube.
You've been making progress,
but you can't stay at Threshold if you drop any more weight.
I just think it's so weird that you know everything about me...
and I don't know anything about you.
Okay, what do you wanna know?
- Do you have a wife? - No.
- Do you have kids? - No.
So, what's your damage?
Short version, my work.
It takes up all my time, and I... I like it that way.
Women generally wanna spend time with somebody they date.
Sounds like you're avoiding intimacy, doctor.
Yeah, I guess it does.
Lobo also tells me that you and Luke aren't speaking.
It seemed like you and Luke had something good going.
Whatever. He's totally gay.
That would be easier, right? Then you could write him off.
- Does he talk to you about me? - You know I can't answer that.
- I just don't see the point. - In what?
There is no point.
Or at least, big picture, we don't get to know what it is.
Why we live, why Megan lost the baby, why that girl killed herself.
- You're not reassuring me, doctor. - I can't reassure you.
This idea you have that there's a way to be safe...
it's childish and cowardly.
It stops you from experiencing anything, including anything good.
You don't think I feel bad enough already?
I know I'm messed up...
but you're supposed to teach me how not to be.
You know how.
Stop waiting for life to be easy. Stop hoping for somebody to save you.
You don't need another person lying to you.
Things don't all add up.
But you're resilient.
Face some hard facts and you could have an incredible life.
That's your pearl of wisdom?
Grow a pair?
That's a more concise way of putting it. Yeah.
Unbelievable.
Fuck you.
- What's going on? - Beck's messed up, you know that?
We all buy the hype, but nobody here is getting any better.
- That's not true. - Yeah? Megan's screwed.
Anna has a treasure chest of puke under her bed.
You live in fucking Ponyland.
I'm about to get the tube, and he doesn't even care.
Shit.
I need another surgery. That's it for me and the illustrious Jersey Ballet.
Seriously?
Yeah. Come on, put your bag down. Let's go get another cancer beer.
I can't. Sorry. I'm actually out of here.
Did you hear what I said?
I'm finished. And you're leaving?
I can't.
What, you think I didn't guess my knee was fucked?
And now that I'm done doing the one thing that makes me feel,
you're my next thing.
I know that that's not a plan. It's not a good one, anyway.
But I need you... Eli.
Okay. Thank you. Bye.
- Thank you. - Sure.
There is no point.
That girl killed herself.
You look like a ghost.
If you die...
I will kill you.
You okay, honey?
I... I just got up too fast. Sorry.
You need to eat, girl.
I'm fine. But thank you. I just need to get home.
What kind of place is this,
where your patients can just walk off like that and nobody stops her?
The problem with treatment for some of these kids...
is that we won't let them hit bottom.
It's too hard to watch. But for Eli, the bottom is critical.
How is there even less of you? What did that doctor do to you?
Hi, Mom.
- Is this all you've got? - Yeah.
All right. Well, everybody's waiting for you.
- "Everybody"? - Horses. They're very sweet beasts.
Olive and I were worried that it wasn't gonna work out with that doctor.
- Well, he had such an attitude. - Oh, God complex.
- Totally dismissive. - And Susan...
- I mean, he really let her attack us. - He just wanted everybody to be honest.
I don't like to speak negatively,
but that woman's never said an honest word in her life.
Of course, your father doesn't go home. Can you imagine?
She fought really hard to get me into Threshold House.
Yeah, look how well that turned out.
And how about the way she talked about your mother's breakdowns?
They were transformational for me. Everybody should have more breakdowns.
You didn't feel that way about them when they happened.
Dr. Beckham called here earlier. He thought you might turn up.
- He did? What did you say? - Well, that you'd decided to leave.
He wanted to make sure you were okay.
A boy wanted to speak with you. Luke?
Is this somebody special?
I don't know. He...
He's my friend, kind of...
It all got fucked up.
In the morning, Olive would like you to work with Freya.
The horse?
Olive has grown tremendously out here. You'll thank me.
But isn't that kind of like a conflict? Her giving me therapy?
Freya does all the work. I'm just a conduit.
- Oh. - Yeah, she's just a conduit.
There's no electricity, but I think... It's not so cold. You'll be okay.
- You're gonna sleep, anyway. - Yeah, I'm tired.
There's a bedpan here. So, if you need it...
It's better than stumbling around in the dark.
Okay.
- People pay money to stay here? - It's rustic. They love it.
- Ellen... - "Eli."
You know, "Ellen" was your great-grandmother's name.
I bet she didn't like it either.
You know, I... had a premonition before you came.
- Really? - You were a baby.
I didn't hold you enough. I didn't bond with you.
And, of course, that's true. I didn't know about postpartum depression.
- I don't think that's it. - Well, anyway...
I spoke to Jean Williamson about it. Do you remember her?
- The pastor? - No, she wrote The Pure Way of Light.
She's very interested in Olive's work
and has been... a great comfort to me around your illness.
And she...
feels that it would be healing for the both of us
if you allowed me to feed you.
- It's rice milk. I made it myself. - Like a baby?
Well, like a mother and a child.
I could hold you and rock you, and you could go to sleep.
Uh, I don't know.
No, I know. I know it's odd.
But...
Well, as she said it, I felt real clarity that that's what we need.
Can I think about it?
Yeah, okay.
There's, uh...
not much left of you to lose. You know that?
- Dr. Beckham made that clear. - I know.
Hmm.
He said it's your choice, whether you come back or not.
But I could tell that he was afraid that you're gonna die.
Ellen, my... my baby.
I...
I know.
I'm sorry.
And...
I just want you to know that...
I accept it if...
If death is what you want, I accept it now.
I accept it, but um... I love you.
I just... I can't keep fighting you.
All right.
Okay.
Mom?
Yeah?
Feed me, please.
Yeah.
Okay.
Can you hold this? Hold on.
Okay. Do you mind if I put your feet down?
Okay. Are you comfortable?
Okay.
- Yeah? Okay. - Yeah.
♪ Hush little baby ♪
♪ Don't say a word ♪
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪
♪ And if that mockingbird don't sing ♪
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪
♪ And if that diamond ring turns brass ♪
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪
Okay.
You need to get out of the sun. You're frying.
There's a tree.
I just want you to know that...
I accept it.
- I just don't see the point. - There is no point.
Can you please just try this time?
Not too good. Not perfect.
Pretty.
I don't get to have a sister.
You're dazzling. You know that?
I do not.
Shit.
Hey.
I need you to look.
Oh, my God. Is that me?
That's me.
Your courage is a small coal that you keep swallowing.
Not dead.
♪ Follow ♪
♪ Follow the sun ♪
♪ And which way the wind blows ♪
♪ When this day is done ♪
♪ And breathe ♪
♪ Breathe in the air ♪
♪ Cherish this moment ♪
♪ Cherish this breath ♪
I'm gonna be okay.
Whatever. You do this again, I'm gonna punch you in the vagina.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Okay.
♪ So follow ♪
♪ Follow the sun ♪
♪ And which way the wind blows ♪
♪ When this day is done ♪