Which way is it?
The numbers, are they going up or down?
- This way. - Crazy. It's like a ma...
this is not the way. It's 142.
- What? - Your shirt is soaking wet. What did you do?
Yes, well, it's spring and it's 90 degrees. What's...
the mechanic couldn't fix your a/c, could he?
No, no. I think we skipped, uh...
you know, your car is gonna die anyway.
You should get a minivan because they're so much more spacious.
No, my car is fine. It would have been fine
if we didn't have to drive an hour in the heat.
Oh, come on. 142.
What's the good move? What you really need...
ugh.
You ever looked at what...
you ever looked at the word "therapist"?
"The rapist."
They're literally telling you what they're going to do to you.
We're walking right... we're dupes.
You're an idiot.
Hey, remember before the kids?
- I do. - Yeah...
when we used to make fun of couples therapy.
"Oh, i can't go out tonight. I have a date night."
Oh, yes. No, no. We would kill each other, but for the children.
For the children, yes.
Shh.
Okay, we're not like them, right?
No. Hell, no. We're cool.
Yeah.
We don't need therapy.
- No. - No.
We just need a little tune-up.
- Yeah. - Like my car.
Okay, you need a new car.
So, what brings the two of you here today?
- We don't have sex. - We don't communicate.
You're married.
- You have children. - Mm-hmm.
You have jobs.
I'm going to tell you something that you really need to know.
You are perfectly normal. 100 %.
In fact, most couples your age
will go through a very, very rough period.
Okay. That's... that's good to know.
So, maria, why don't i start with you, okay?
Uh, well, where to start? Um...
we used to stay up late and just talk about everything...
you're listening to "sports and talk,"
a weekly podcast about sports... and a little talk.
Yeah, so, we, uh, we went to see a therapist.
God damn it! Not you, too!
God, i am so sorry, allan.
I thought we were different.
We had a conversation before we got married.
Not gonna turn into our parents.
- What happened? - Kids happened.
This right here, is a teachable moment.
Now, we've discussed the dance we men partake in marriage, right?
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow...
- mostly follow. - Sometimes you shut up and play the family pet.
But sometimes, sometimes you get to step up and be a man.
Well, that's just a bad idea, generally speaking.
What good can come from therapy, huh?
Women don't need to know the sick shit swimming around in our heads.
You just gotta do your time and don't say anything.
And if you have to, then just lie about it.
And for god's sake, allan, do not mention the sex.
I'm telling you, that's 12 sessions right there.
Do you have any idea what this rapist charges?
Can we just talk about sports again?
My shrink is facebook friends with my wife now,
so my life is, like, basically over.
Tag team. That's what they do!
Allan?
Allan!
- What? Hi. - Hi. What do you think?
Yes. That's correct.
No, about what maria was saying.
What were we just talking about?
Communication, babe.
Hey, what do you two think of the idea
of, um, just really working on your relationship?
No kids. Just you and maria.
Maybe try a new restaurant.
- Okay. - You mean, like, date night?
Well, you know, just, yeah, just you two.
Just, um, talking truthfully, non-sexually.
Uh, so, still no sex.
It's not all about the goddamn sex, allan.
Well, i thought that's why... isn't that why we're here?
I mean, one of the reasons why we're here?
I think what you're here for is a journey
that you're going to be going through.
It's very imperative that you open the communication channels.
Exactly. Communication.
So i'm going to recommend 12 sessions to start with.
- Okay. - Same time next week?
- Yeah. - Yes. What was your rate again?
You mentioned the sex, didn't you?
I told you not to mention the sex!
You brought this shit on yourself.
It's $300. 12 sessions. How much is that?
It's not that bad. You're gonna be fine.
Don't like to him! He's not gonna be fine. He's screwed!
- We all are. - No, i'll be fine.
I'll be fine. As long as she doesn't mention the minivan again.
Listen up. All right, remember that woman who you thought got you,
who you desired, who did all that wonderful shit
that made you squeal in bed, remember her?
Oh, my god, here we go with this.
That woman vanished
the second kids entered the picture. Poof!
She's right.
I mean, if anything, for the kids.
I mean, you and i, we're grown-ups,
- but they, like... - kids, kids, kids, kids, kids.
That's all they care about, is kids.
And we're left to do what?
Open jars,
warm beds, meaningless shit like that.
They don't need us! And they know it!
- Nobody cares about us. - Ah!
They do not care about us!
Look, you're just blowing this
out of proportion right now.
He's going through a dry spell...
on top of a rough patch.
Followed by the dry spot after that,
and the one after that,
oh, and let's not forget about the one after that.
- There's more? - Oh, there's a lot more.
Nathan kicked two of his friends today.
There's more than a few dry spots, yes.
I'm not gonna lie.
And the kids, man, the kids. Do they even like you?
I'm telling you, they're like dogs, man.
They can sniff this shit out.
They can literally sense
the self-respect leaving your body.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't listen to that
because kids don't respect anybody, okay?
He is right about the dogs, though,
that's super creepy.
All right.
We have to get this fixed. We have to call him again.
This is getting out of control.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's it. Get it out.
Oh, shut up!
- Wait, say what? - What'd you say?
Nothing, nothing.
We're all good. We're good.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is
to find a woman like maria?
And i love her.
And the little fuckers.
Yeah, yeah, they test me, okay?
But i love 'em.
And i'm gonna have sex with maria again,
even if it costs me $300 times 12 sessions, so be it.
Yes. Spoken like a real man.
Thank you.
I guess it could be worse.
I mean, it's not like she's asking you for a vasectomy, right?
Ugh.
Ooh. All right, sorry, honey.
- Just one second, one second. - And this has been
"sports and talk" for this week.
Next week, sports, i hope.
I can do this.
It's just life.
Well, they're down.
Ugh. Finally, right?
Nathan is, like,
super strong.
Like superhero super strong.
He will grow out of it. Tyler was the same way.
Tyler was never that strong.
I mean, i know grown men who are not that strong.
- Ah. This will help. - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's better.
We can do this, right?
The therapy?
I don't know.
Can you keep your mouth shut about sex
for, like, two seconds?
Yes, i think i can.
I mean, we have three kids.
What's a little therapy? Piece of cake.
- You're right. - Yeah.
We're professionals at this life thing.
- Don't you think? - Mm-hmm.
Although, i will say,
i think 12 sessions is...
not just a little therapy.
It does seem a bit excessive.
I mean, do we really need a therapist to tell us to go on a date night?
No! God, i mean, why haven't we been doing this more anyway?
I'm not sure.
- Mm. - Huh.
I'm sure after two, three sessions,
- she'll give us the all clear. - Yeah, three's perfect.
One for each kid.
What are we gonna do with 12 anyway?
Maybe she's saving up for that resting bitch face removal operation.
I mean, we could take that money,
we could use it to fix your car, you know? Or...
- put a down payment on a... - oh, yeah.
That's... i would love to fix the car, you know?
Just... get it...
working order again. It'd be awesome.
I'm so glad we're on the same page.
- We'll gonna be okay, babe. - Yeah.
- Yes. - 100 %.
You two have done such amazing progress.
You should be so proud of yourselves.
Yeah, i feel like in the last couple of weeks,
we actually have communicated about things not kid-related.
Yes, we have.
- We went to our first two r-rated movies, - yeah.
In i don't know how long.
In a theater. At night.
Wow, that's great.
So how do you feel?
I mean, it feels good, you know?
I feel like we're actually
- on our way, right? - Yeah.
No, it feels, you know, great.
You know, except for the, uh...
- allan. - Sex.
Oh, don't worry about it.
A couple more sessions and you will be fine.
Oh, yeah, no, i think... yeah, we'll be fine.
It'll be fine.
We've achieved emotional intimacy.
- Mm. - And, uh, communication.
- And i feel great. - Yeah.
And after only three sessions, huh?
Yeah, well, we couldn't have done it without you.
- You're an amazing rapist. - Therapist.
You're a great, great therapist.
And you've given us, you know, valuable tools.
And those handouts you gave us were just... they were...
- very informative. - ...really great.
- Colorful. - Pretty.
And yet you are sure that
you do not want to continue
with the 12 sessions.
Still a lot more that we need to work on.
Um, you know, i've got some more handouts
and some classes i'd really recommend.
I also wrote a book, almost published.
- Oh. - So there's a lot more to come.
- Yeah. - Not at $300 an hour.
- Excuse me? - What?
Oh, my god!
What is wrong with you?
Hey, listen, if we're gonna spend 300 bucks
it's gonna be on you and me,
bottle of baby oil, a little candlelight,
- some... - okay.
You had me at baby oil.
Come on.
I told you, motherfuckers.
I told you i was gonna do it,
and i did it. I'm getting laid, okay?
After three sessions.
Shit. Still cost you nearly a grand.
Nothing's bringing me down tonight, phil, okay?
Not even you.
I still remember my first post-therapy screw.
It was so good.
I just... it's been so long for me.
I hope i haven't forgotten anything, you know?
Oh, you know you just jinxed it, right?
What? No, no, i didn't.
I didn't jinx anything.
It's not, uh...
it's not jinxable. It's an impossibility.
Eh, actually, that might've just jinxed it.
Jinxed.
Listeners, we are gonna be back
next week with sports.
Guaranteed.
Oh, yeah.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh.
Over my head. The other way.
Okay, wait, just...
wait, just, didn't get..
I'm wiggling.
That's good, that's good.
Actually,
- i forgot to tell you something. - No, no, no.
- No, no, wait. No. - No, no, please.
- Can it wait? - Wait.
- Can't it wait like a minute? - I'm... i'm just...
i'm not on the pill.
You're what?
- What? What, what? - The pill.
- What do you mean? - Well...
well, you know how i've been kind of moody lately?
Well, the doctor said it might be the hormones,
so he said that i should stop taking it. And, actually,
- he suggested that... - no, no, no, no, no, no.
What are we going to do?
Don't we have condoms from when i was pumping?
- Yes. - Yeah?
- Yes, we do. - Okay, go get them.
We do.
Wait, shh, shh.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Got it! - Oh, good.
Shh!
- Oh, my god. - You got it? Good job.
Okay.
Is that thing too old?
No, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine. These things... these things last
through a zombie apocalypse.
Excellent, excellent.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
- Oh, jeez. - Are you okay?
- No, no, no, i got it. - You got it?
- Oh, jeez. - You need help?
- Do you need... - i can't get it.
Here give it to me.
- Yeah. - How this it even...
- this doesn't even... - the other way
it's not doing anything, it's not doing anything.
It's backwards, babe.
- Help me. Help me. - Okay, wait, stay still.
- Okay. I got it! - Oh.
Okay, i got it. Okay.
- I love you, - i love you, too.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay, wait. Okay, hold on a second,
that's like a little crooked.
- Okay. - Got it?
- No, it's good. Okay. - Okay.
Okay, okay. Oh.
- Wait, shit, shit. - No, no.
- I think it broke. - No, no, no, please.
- No. - It's...
- i'll pull out, i promise. - You don't know how to pull out, babe.
Just, please, we're so close.
That's how nathan and lucy got here.
What, do you want number four?
No, it's fine.
It's okay, babe.
No, it's okay, we can just lay here.
Just lay here and spoon a little bit.
It's fine.
- It's okay. - No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - Wait, wait, wait.
- No. - I know i have another one.
I bought them a while ago.
- Allan, you're being crazy. - I know where you are,
i know i've seen it, i've seen it.
I can see it in my mind, it's a...
it's a purple... is it purple?
It's a blue, it's a blue, it's blue,
it's in the side table, it's in the side table.
It's just, just one minute.
We can try again tomorrow.
No, no, no, not tomorrow, no, tonight.
Aren't you tired?
No.
Oh, my god.
Oh, the dresser, the dresser.
You know, actually, the doctor,
he mentioned that maybe we should think about
more permanent ways of birth control.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No... you're not getting your tubes tied, okay?
And no more o.r.s for us.
No, of course not.
He actually suggested something for you.
Have you ever, uh...
have you ever thought about getting a vasectomy?
From what i hear, they're kind of quick
and relatively painless, you know?
There's no pills, no hormones, you know?
No condoms.
What did you...
- are you kidding? - No.
Just something to think about, you know?
It's not a big deal.
Wait, what?
One minute, i'm about to
finally have sex with my wife,
and the next,
she's suggesting i get a...
i can't even say it out loud, i...
jinxed.
I told you.
She probably sensed your happiness
and instinctively shut your ass down.
Just like a woman.
At least you got close, man.
I'm happy to get any kind of sex that eve will...
reward you with?
Talk to me, minivan man,
how often is eve rewarding you with sex?
Like, a lot... like, often.
Handies don't count.
There is nothing wrong with masturbation.
What happens? What happen...
i mean, we-we had kids because we loved each other,
we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Now she'd rather go to sleep than have sex.
Well, they'd all rather go to sleep than have sex,
or do their taxes, or eat,
- or play candy crush. - That's just common-ass sense.
- But a vasectomy? - Look, it's actually kind of sweet
when you think about it because she wants to keep you around, just not your sperm.
Sweet. You really want him to go off
and get his nuts cut off voluntarily?
The fuck kind of friend are you, j?
That's not what we do.
We draw the line at the fucking balls.
Yeah, but they don't actually cut your balls off.
- They might as well. - You're picturing, like, a tom and jerry cartoon
- where he's tied to the log... - i'm picturing hell, man.
What's for lunch, daddy?
Uh, peanut butter and jelly,
- and some, uh... - and cheesy rounds?
- Cheesy rounds, fine. - I want chips.
No, no guns, okay? No more guns. We're gonna have apples.
- No apples. - No, no.
You're gonna have a healthy lunch, okay?
Okay, kids, come on, we are late.
Let's go. Oh, hey, thanks, babe.
Great. Last night was kind of fun, right? Hmm?
All right, guys, don't forget your backpacks.
Can we please close that? Thank you so much.
Grab your backpack. Thank you.
But i don't want to drive in daddy's car.
- Me neither, it smells old. - Okay, well, you guys can come with me,
- but as long as we hurry, okay? - Yay!
We got to go, we got to go now.
- Let's go. - Nothing wrong with daddy's car, okay?
Absolutely nothing.
Bye, daddy.
We're late.
Okay. Where are my keys?
Good one, guys.
Everybody in. Let your brother in first.
Okay. Tyler you're coming with me, right?
Bye, tyler, i love you. Buh-bye.
All right, buddy.
Buckle up, right? Okay, good.
All right, let's go.
Babe, why don't you go for a test drive today
while it's in the shop, just for fun?
- Daddy, it's not gonna work. - No, it's gonna be fine.
- You broke it already. - It's gonna be fine, it's just...
oh! Here we go.
Oh, look, look he's got it.
There he goes. Way to go, daddy.
- Nice. - All right, say goodbye to daddy.
- Thank you for believing in me. - Bye, tyler.
Fuck.
All right, look at that.
Got you here safe and sound.
Not even that late.
No, i'm not getting a minivan.
There's no way i'm getting a vasect... oh.
Ugh.
I went to the stupid therapist, that was enough.
- What do i get out of that? - Don't give up, dad.
What, little dude? What are you saying?
Look, i don't care about the stupid car, okay?
Just look at yourself.
You haven't shaven in days,
you don't sleep, you talk to yourself.
I don't really talk to myself, do i, little dude?
Stop calling me "little dude." My name is tyler.
Dad, something has happened to you, to your drive,
to your self-esteem, it's not good.
You're not the man i remember when i was young.
Nathan and lucy have this strange impression of you,
like really weird.
So just...
don't give up.
Okay.
Hey... bye... have a good day.
Oh...
jesus.
Fuck...
me.
Jesus. Fuck me.
So i'm going to make huge favor for you and maria
since you've been coming here for years.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll get you $500 for the parts.
Okay.
That's 500 bucks and then that's it,
then it's fixed, okay.
No, no, no, i take apart the car,
i sell the parts, i give you $500,
you go home.
What? No, no. No, no, no, i don't want that.
I want to, i want to fix the car.
- I want to fix it. - Man, i'm always honest with you, right?
This car is piece of shit.
- Isn't it time you think about minivan? - What?
Did maria call you?
Oh, that's... that's-that's... i can't believe she did that.
It's not so bad.
My wife drive minivan.
Lots of space.
Yeah, do you drive it?
You tool around town in it?
What's that? What's the-the laugh?
Allan, my friend, minivan is good,
especially for a guy like you.
What do you mean "a guy like me"?
What does that even mean?
This car is dying.
You're going to end up with minivan eventually.
Why fight it?
Please, just-just-just...
i want you to, i want you to fix this, okay?
- Please. - If i fix this,
no promises.
Billy, we fix this shit.
She's friends with your mechanic now?
Mm.
She's crossed the line, man.
What line? With them, there are no lines.
With us, there's nothing but lines.
What am i gonna do?
It's a tricky one.
She's attacking you on three fronts:
minivan, vasectomy and sex.
She's smart, man, she's very smart.
Oh, she's a genius, she's...
yeah. And you will not win on all three fronts.
Actually, you're not gonna win on two.
- You're gonna have to choose one. - I'd keep my car.
No, wait, my balls.
Shit. What's up with the sex again?
Oh, come on, come on, come on, this isn't right.
It's not supposed to be like this.
You know she's already recruited eve?
You know this, uh, lunch we're having on saturday?
- Oh, the lunch? - You need a plan.
You need to focus on the minivan,
and put this vasectomy shit on the table for a minute...
no, that's impossible.
Allan, listeners,
you repeat after me:
i am a man, unlike jason,
and i will not get a minivan!
- I don't want to. - I will stay strong
and i will resist.
Come on, man, say this shit.
You got to put it out there.
Stay the course, gentlemen, we almost got through this.
We might get out of this yet, boys.
Smile, smile through it.
Worse come to worse, keep 'em plied.
There's more sangria in the kitchen, right?
There's so much sangria.
- No, no, keep it happy, you know? - Mm-hmm.
You got this.
Um, hey, allan,
i hear you guys are hunting for a new car.
Uh... no, it's-it's...
my car is just in the shop,
and just getting fixed. It runs great, actually.
- Oh, i thought, uh... - no, uh, it's more of like a band-aid,
though, right, babe? It's not really, like, fixed yet.
- Well, it's getting fixed. - You should get a minivan.
There's so much space.
Jason loves ours, don't you, jason?
Uh, yeah, it's... totally, it's good.
And we looked into
getting one, too, right, phil?
Allan, you should take a test drive.
That's a great idea. I would love to come with you, babe.
Yeah, we should. I don't have the time now, but...
you got a little time.
- Stay strong, brother. - Oh, phil, really.
- What? - It's a car, phil.
What is it with you
and this childish fear of losing your manhood?
Childish? Why?
Because i don't want my boy to end up
- like captain minivan over here? - Okay, okay.
That was totally uncalled for, phil.
- He didn't mean anything by that. - No.
I know you think jason is less of a man
because he's a decent husband and father.
I know that. He's told me you bully him.
- What? No, no, no, no, i didn't... - bully him?
- Yes, you did. - Eve, i'm merely bringing to light
the short-ass leash you keep him on.
My man is so miserable, he doesn't even know it.
Jason is not miserable. You're not miserable.
No, he's not. Jason, you are a great father and know that.
Let's talk about this summer camp we're sending the kids to
- yeah. - Because it's incredible.
No. For your information,
- jason is perfectly happy. - Yeah.
And he is not at all confused
about his manhood like you.
He is, in fact, so confident,
that he got a vasectomy, and he's more of a man than you'll ever be.
Wow.
- Really? - You did what now?
You got a secret vasectomy?
And we're more happy for it.
I'm gonna check on the kids right now.
No, no, don't be ashamed.
That's the cruelest shit i've ever heard.
Why? Because he manned up,
and did something and helped where he could, phil?
I actually think it's a romantic gesture.
I mean, you would do that for us, right, babe?
We-we-we were talking...
uh... discussing the... what?
Phil, you would do it for daisy, right?
If she asked, if it were important?
- Hell no! - Oh, come on.
- Wow. - That's cutting me down,
and not in a million years.
After all i went through for you?
- Really? - Oh, no, don't start this.
- Wow. - No, you know, i think the problem is
is that none of you have the slightest clue what women go through.
You know what? You're right.
I would love to see one of you
bleed out of your dicks
for a week a month, and then
see if you complain about pms.
- Exactly. - What about breastfeeding, okay?
Because all the... oh, it's so natural, it's so good.
- Honey, come on. - So, wait,
but you don't have to cry yourself to sleep at night
because your infant child
has chewed your nipples raw.
And they get engorged, and infected.
It's terrible. And you know what?
We haven't even mentioned child birth yet.
Okay, phil, just take it back right now, okay?
I went through nine months of throwing up
twice a day for little sammy.
36 hours of labor.
- I had 42. - And... and a
fourth-degree vaginal tear.
- Mm. - Do you know
what a fourth-degree vaginal tear means?
- No. - It means i was torn
all the way up to my asshole.
My asshole!
Did you hear me? Do you know how many stitches they put down there?
Do you know how terrified i was to take a shit?
- Yes! - It's so scary.
And i had to put the cream down there
- every time i got nervous. - It's so scary.
And y'all pussies, y'all pussies
are freaking out about a motherfucking 20-minute,
out patient, no scalpel, vasectomy!
Eve promised that she would never...
don't.
Just... no.
Maria is gonna bring this up again.
All right, i'm really sorry,
but, you know, it wasn't that bad.
- I was... - i said...
no.
We lost a lot of ground today,
but, allan, the battle's not over, man.
I-i don't want to go home.
Mm.
So today was something.
- Mm. Yeah. - Wasn't it.
I'm sorry about all that.
You are not like phil. Or jason.
Really? Do you mean that?
Yeah, of course, babe.
Look, i get it.
I never in a million years would've thought i'd be suggesting a minivan.
Mm.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, my god.
Like, all i keep thinking is
we're not old, we're not old people.
Just... what the hell we doing driving that?
Look at us.
We're young, we're totally hip,
and we play games, we...
know all the lingo.
Yeah.
But...
- what? - I mean, you know...
what? What?
Well, i can't go back on the pill,
and i-i hate condoms
just as much as you do.
And wouldn't it be nice if we could just...
be spontaneous?
You know, do it any time we wanted?
Anywhere?
Any time?
Well, i don't know, maybe we could just...
forget about the whole minivan thing, you know?
Just get an suv with one of those third back rows.
- I mean, they're just as roomy, right? - Oh, really?
- Yes. - Oh, my god.
I don't know, i could... call a doctor in the morning
and at least make a consultation, you know?
Yeah, i think that is a very good idea.
Maybe we could start being a little more spontaneous right now.
Mm-hmm.
What?
Really?
Daddy?
Can i have some water?
Can you sing me a lullaby?
Tell me,
and do not spare my feelings,
what did i do?
What did i do to deserve this?
Guys?
Back on topic, sports today.
Uh, you had kids.
- Got the draft coming up. - With a woman.
Right? Nobody forced you to do that.
Guys, we got a new subscriber. Let's hold onto him.
I love my kids.
- We all love our kids. - We all love our kids.
Although, my youngest just stares at me
with these dead eyes sometimes. It's so spooky.
You're gonna have to edit that out. I'm not going back to the dog house for you.
Please, our wives don't listen to this.
Yeah, so,
maria comes out with it last night,
the, uh, the peace treaty, you know?
No minivan and lots of sex.
In exchange for...
what? Get this in writing, man.
You take this deal before she changes her mind.
- Goddamn it, jason, no! - No.
Why-why shouldn't i do it? I mean, i had lost everything already
what's a little vasectomy in the grand scheme of things?
- Nothing, it's just a vasectomy, man. - They tell you
that they'll consider the suv with the third row,
but they never mean it.
They tell you that you will get more sex,
but they never mean it.
Allan, resist.
- Take this deal, it's so sweet. - Shut up.
It's very confusing, it's very, very confusing.
No, it's not, it's simple shit.
Show time.
Lay back on the table and put your feet
in the stirrups, cowboy. Come on, dad.
I've seen it all before.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
There they are.
Two of 'em
- good to know. - Smooth.
Smallish.
Fine.
Sit up.
Okay.
Your urine sample came back clean.
You're overweight, but who isn't in this country?
Your family doctor sent over your blood test
and they are normal for a man your age who doesn't exercise.
Congratulations,
you are a completely average candidate
for a vasectomy.
Great. Good for me.
Oh, no, not another one.
- What's-what's that? - Why are you here?
Is it the wife? Did she force you to come?
No. What are you talking about?
I... i'm here. It's my decision.
Why, do you get a lot of men who are here against their will?
Are you scared, allan? Do you want me to make up some bullshit story
why you're not a good candidate for the procedure?
- You would do that for me? - Of course not.
That would be unethical, i would never do that.
I... that's... not what i meant.
I... just i was on the internet
and, uh, it's a relatively safe procedure,
- but there are instances... - never go on the internet. Ever.
Look, a vasectomy is not a castration.
Your balls stay put.
Your penis and your semen will look,
and perform and, yes, even taste the exact same way.
It's practically painless.
And i guarantee you, afterwards,
you'll still be a complete horn dog.
Basically, apart from shooting blanks,
nothing will change. Except the fact that you will have proven
yourself to be a completely pussy-whipped male
- of the human species. - What? What'd you just say?
I said recovery takes no more than a week,
and, beyond icing and...
no, no, no, no, no, what was that...
what'd you say right before?
That bad, huh?
What's happening?
- I think i know what this is. - You do?
Come on.
I see men like you all the time.
What does that mean, men like me?
Married men, late 30s to mid 40s,
kids, house, responsibilities,
moderate to severe
discontent with their lives.
- Men like you. - Well, i love my wife
- and my kids. - It has nothing to do with them.
It doesn't even have anything to do with the vasectomy.
Honestly, allan, i can do it in 15 minutes flat.
It has to do with you, and your dreams,
and your fantasies.
I got a few of those.
Nothing weird or anything like that.
When i grab
my surgical scissors
and sever your vas deferens,
all those completely unrealistic fantasies
that you're still holding onto, gone.
It's just you,
and the completely boring life
you've built for yourself.
Okay, but, it's... it's all reversible, right?
- I mean... - see, that's just it.
"Hey, what happens if in a year,
i bump into a victoria's secret model
and she falls desperately
in lust with me and wants to bear my children?"
No, reversal should not be an option.
Success rate is inconsistent.
Allan, a vasectomy is forever.
Mm.
Well, thank you, dr. Ken, that's very helpful information.
Did you, uh, experience
the same things, uh...?
Oh, god, no. Do you see a ring?
Never. I fucking hate kids.
I am keeping myself... whole.
- You know? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think they can sense it.
A woman has this natural urge
to seek out the most powerful stallion
and let him ravage her.
Even the married ones.
Ah, okay.
So, what, uh, you're saying
i-i-i should not get a vasectomy, then.
Have you been listening at all?
You and me, we're different.
Comparing is pointless.
What you have to do is either work through your fears
and accept your boring, sad middle-aged married life,
- or not. - Okay.
I'm gonna schedule your appointment for...
next monday.
Mon-monday? Monday?
Yeah, get the wife off your back.
You have a week to decide.
Either way, stock up the fridge with frozen peas.
Great for the swelling.
All right, guys...
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just be careful, just be careful,
and... wait, don't do that, don't do that.
And don't jump on the couch either.
And just stop, stop, stop jumping on the couch,
and put that down, all right?
- I'm just gonna put a movie on for you, okay? - Hey, hey.
Stop it. Stop, stop, stop.
Don't just stand there, man.
Come on, come on.
If the little fuckers don't see us,
- then we are not here. - Oh, no,
you need something stronger than that.
- Oh, thanks. - Gonna be a long moms' night out.
What's up, allan? Enjoying your balls while you still have them?
You said something.
Oh, and hey,
how's that vagina working out for you, jason?
I said i was sorry. God, just give me a break, man,
- i got all your kids out there. - No, "sorry" doesn't cut it for you.
You violated a code.
They're gonna be talking about this shit,
- drinking cosmos tonight. - Mm-hmm.
Allan's the beginning.
- Consults are coming. - Guys, guys, guys, uh,
i'm-i'm actually feeling a little better about all this.
Dr. Ken, he's something special.
- Your urologist? - Yeah.
And he's more than that, he's um...
vasectomy is not just about stopping our sperm,
it's about... killing our dreams, in a good way.
Or not.
It's, uh, it's-it's about who we are as men.
Is that even english?
Dr. Ken didn't really help me at all,
- i'm-i'm pretty confused still. - Hey, focus.
- Are you gonna go through with it or not? - Just please don't.
For all of our sakes.
- Don't be like jason. - Yes!
- It's not a big deal. - I bet you enjoyed
the doctor fondling your coin sack.
Probably the most action you had in months.
How can you even look in the mirror?
Jesus chri... so, what? You guys want more kids, is that it?
You want a third one, phil?
You want a fourth kid, allan? I mean, look,
it doesn't hurt and it doesn't even leave a scar.
I will prove it to you.
If you take those shorts off, i swear to you, i...
you taped your own vasectomy?
I did, but it's not coming up for some reason.
I think it's connected to the tv.
- Oh, my god! - Whoa, whoa!
Oh, my god. Okay. No, no, no. Okay.
I don't know where the thing is. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah.
Sammy! Sammy, don't look, don't look, sammy. Close your eyes!
Okay, okay.
Oh, my god, there it is. All right.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
The thing is just...
okay.
We're not gonna tell mom about this, huh? Nobody tells anybody mom.
Who wants cookies?
I get one night a month where i get to chill out with my friends without the kids,
and not an hour into it, i get the phone call.
One hour, allan.
I'm sorry.
Did you really pass out?
Yup, laugh at your husband, go ahead.
Not like i could be humiliated any further.
Who videotapes their vasectomy anyway? I mean, what does he do?
Just sit there and watch it from time to time,
just reminiscing about the good times?
Men are so weird.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look,
i saw the procedure on the calendar.
I'm very proud of you.
I didn't think you were gonna go through with it.
It's just penciled in. I could cancel at any time.
Well, yeah, but you're not cancel it right?
I mean, you're not like those other dads.
You know how much this means to me, right?
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, really? - Yeah. Yeah.
I didn't know that.
- Yeah. - Oh.
What does it mean to you exactly?
What does what mean to me, daddy?
Hey, you, little guy.
Whoa. Okay.
- Hey. - Gang's all here.
You're so weird, daddy.
Mommy, can i sleep with you?
- Yeah, it's okay. Come on. - Can i sleep here too, mommy?
- Yeah, you can, baby. - I can't go to bed in my bed.
Everybody under the covers.
Daddy, i need my space.
- Yeah. - Give me room.
All right, everybody all snuggie?
You got enough room?
- No. - Mm.
- I love your bed. - Hmm.
Hey, babe, will you get the lights?
Who the fuck am i?
Show time.
I'll tell you who you are.
You, allan, are a bag of meat
defined only by the purpose
you serve your family unit.
You are no longer an individual.
You are no longer a sexual being.
But i, i want to be a sexual being.
And i want to be an individual, too.
You are what some females like to call
- "an evolved man." - Mm-hmm.
In other words, completely devoid
of everything normally associated with the male sex,
- strength, - mm-hmm.
- Virility, power. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Hey, allan, did you happen to shave your balls?
Wait, was i supposed to?
Fuck!
It's like a goddamn pomeranian down there.
Dr. Ken, how did this happen?
When did it happen?
- Was i really supposed to shave my balls? - More importantly,
allan, did you remember to take your pain medication?
You told me it was a practically painless procedure.
Oh, did i?
So it finally happened...
for me.
I now understand what everybody means
when they speak of that moment of clarity.
It was an out-of-body experience.
I saw myself, my life,
my-my... my future.
And all i could keep asking myself was,
"why do we all keep walking around
this predetermined path?
Why do we, we keep eating, and drinking, and shitting,
and driving our kids to school and playdates,
and hardly ever making sweet love to our wives?
Why?"
And with that, dear listeners,
i believe we could all collectively embrace
the enormity of this moment.
This is what happens when you force a grown-ass man
to cut off his balls!
Okay, just to reiterate, there's no actual
cutting of balls in the procedure.
You, sir,
you have no business interrupting me right now, okay?
Your ass is in the shu, for like a year.
Look, i was showing my kids cat videos,
i guess it was still connected to the tv.
I-i didn't know, man.
Do you have idea the shit that daisy put me through?
She wants the kids to get fucking therapy.
Where the fuck is he going?
Come on, come on!
- Allan, man, what's going on. - Piece of shit!
- Allan, come on, man, look... - you piece of shit!
You fucking motherfucker piece of shit!
- Oh, shit. - Come on!
Come on, you motherfucker! Start!
I told you so.
You really blew it, buddy.
I don't even know what to do with this.
Just try something, okay?
Just anything.
I-i-i think i can get her to go for the suv with the third row,
but i-i need... i need a minute.
I-i get it, man, i get it.
I got to call maria, get her out of work early,
get her to... pick up tyler from his club,
nathan from his playdate, i don't even know where lucy is.
- You need a loaner? - Yes. Do you have one?
Of course i have a loaner.
- Oh, thank you. - I just got the title yesterday.
My asshole customer didn't pay his bills,
so i took possession.
- The 350. - No, don't touch that!
This is my car, this is the loaner.
No, no, no, that's a minivan.
- These things are classics now. - What about this?
What-what's-what's... trooper.
No, that is a customer car, this is the loaner.
- That's... - look, i know it's not suv
with the third row, but it runs.
No, ple... i-i don't want it, i don't want it, i don't want it. It's...
would you rather call your wife and have her come pick you up?
No, no.
I'll get the keys.
Bullshit. Motherfucking piece of shit.
I'm not a minivan person.
I drive a jeep.
A man drive's a jeep.
Please do not look at me, please do not look at me.
Is my voice changing? Jesus.
My voice.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Look away, look away.
Ugh. Oh, jesus christ.
Oh, yeah, of course you don't work.
Dad, what is this?
- Is this your minivan? - I know.
I know, okay? I'm s...
just, come on, get in.
- No, absolutely not. - What?
Get-get in the car. You think i like this?
Hey, life sucks sometimes, you know?
- I didn't have any choice. - You always have a choice.
- Just get in the car. - Does mom know?
You're asking me too many questions. Just cut it out!
Just get in the car, okay?
Goddamn it.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, buddy, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
This...
this is a piece of shit.
Uh, allan, are you okay?
I just need a drink.
Yeah.
There you go.
You need another one?
Yeah, i mean, i can get another bottle and get some...
no, no, i'm fine.
You know why i'm fine?
Because i have seen my life from the other side.
Oh, shit.
No, no.
It cannot possibly get any worse.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't, uh, don't say that.
No, no. In one week's time,
i'm going to get a vasectomy that i don't want
and then everything will be better.
Maybe the women are right.
Okay?
Maybe the big snip is the least we can do.
Women do all the heavy lifting.
What are we saying? We...
we're horny all the time.
Hey, man, he's not getting any better.
I mean, should we call somebody?
Call who?
A shrink?
- His wife? - I'll tell you what,
i think it is time
that we all start doing our fair share.
Maybe we'd all be getting laid a lot more.
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
i have got a princess party to go to.
Fucking men.
We fuck it up.
- Damn. - There is actually, like, a princess party, right?
- Oh, hi, mom. - What's up, mommy?
You didn't wear enough pink today.
Good to see the dads pulling their weight.
Oh, did we have another choice after jason's stunt the other night? Prick.
Where's the booze?
- Oh, there's no alcohol. - No.
- What? - Uh, organic lemonade
- and gluten-free cookies. - Oh.
Hey, great, delicious. Mm.
The hell kind of princess party is this?
- The stupid kind. - Very bad kind.
Daddy, i want a wand.
I want a wand.
Yes, i'm watching you.
Go ahead, go get a wand, get a wand.
- Yay. - What are we gonna do?
We were just discussing that and we have a plan b.
Let's do that plan b.
- Let's blacklist these assholes. - Yeah.
No more playdates ever.
They'll go crazy in less than a month.
I like that a lot, dads.
Life gives you organic lemons, you spike 'em.
- Fuck yes. - Who throws a party with no alcohol?
Assholes.
Oh, look who's on his way out.
- Oh, hey, dan. - There you are.
Great party, buddy.
I'm starting to freak out, you guys.
That in there is about to turn into a goddamn clusterfuck
if you don't help me.
Those, uh, actresses i, i bought
to play the princesses are totally late.
So little susie's gonna flip
if i don't get some entertainment going on in there.
So i was thinking, i got some music, we could do maybe a little dance.
- Mm-hmm. - Like the olden days.
I never liked you.
That's not true.
Allan, you're my only hope. Please, one time.
Let's save this kiddie party, dan.
Yes! I knew you'd come through.
- Let's go, let's go. - Let's be men.
- No. - Let's be men together.
Thanks, man.
I owe you big time.
I'm so glad i could help, dan.
You know, i recently started to see things a lot more clearly.
Used to have all these fears,
baggage.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Used to think that being a husband and a dad wasn't enough.
You know, i needed some kind of escape route.
Mm.
Well, i don't need that anymore.
And neither do you.
This, right here,
is us.
We should just embrace it.
- Zip me up. - Okay, sure.
- Who are we supposed to be anyway? - I don't even know.
It's some stupid-ass show susie watches.
It was either these two guys or princess dresses
- yeah. - Look, man,
i love her.
I'd do anything for her, you know?
Well, let's not fuck this up then.
Ah.
I got the song queued up.
At least i think it's the song.
No.
We're gonna rock the fuck out of this, dad.
Come on.
Let's go.
Coming through. Gather 'round.
Look what i got!
Look what's better than a princess,
it's gary the chicken!
It's so much better than a princess party, right?
They're loving this.
Look at their faces, look at their faces.
They're totally happy.
That's not how it goes.
- That's not even the right song. - Okay, okay.
- Take it easy, little girl. - Who are you? You're a fake.
- Susie, that's not... - where is the princesses?
This sucks!
Who boos a chicken?
It's really hot in here.
What's the matter with you people?
You ungrateful little bastards.
You don't know what it's like.
You don't know how it feels!
What more do you want from me?
Princess parties...
where dads come to die.
It's chicken for dinner!
- What's happening? - Wow, allan.
Those are some hairy balls.
I'm gonna go wash my hands.
That's a good idea. But don't worry, allan,
they don't even look like a man's balls anymore.
Well, that's just great.
Why don't you shave my legs,
and wax my asshole and paint my toenails pink
while you're working? You have no idea
what kind of day i've had. And i am gonna get through this.
You got moxie, kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Who's this? - Oh, what, didn't you know?
This is a teaching clinic.
These are first-year residents.
- Say hi, students. - Hi.
It's their first vasectomy. They're very excited.
- I... no, no. - Now don't you worry yourself.
I'm gonna walk them through everything
and i'm gonna stay right here
in case they can't control the bleeding.
Gah! Dr. Ken, please!
Doctor, i can't find them.
- Can't find his balls? - What?
- What are you talking about? - They're not in there.
Oh, allan, i'm sorry, this has never happened before.
Your balls must've shriveled up inside your body.
Oh, come on, why is this happening?
Probably from lack of use.
This is no time for jokes.
This is a medical emergency. Nurse, go get the pliers from the toolbox
- in my car. - What, what? No, no, no.
- You guys, start praying. I'm gonna get a drink. - Come back.
Don't leave me!
...give this man balls.
Lord, thy who grants balls, and takes balls,
give this man balls. Lord, thy who grants balls...
allan.
Allan!
Hmm.
Daddy, are you flipping out again?
No, baby, he's not flipping out again.
Maybe he's dying.
- Dad, you better say something right now. - Allan...
i'm fine.
I'm... totally fine.
I've never been better.
Should i get that?
No, do not get that.
That idiot, carter, posted your episode on facebook.
Everybody's been calling all day.
You've got hundreds of likes and some really weird comments.
Oh.
Daddy, you're really scaring me, mommy.
Baby, daddy, just got too warm in the chicken costume.
That's all, okay?
Right, allan?
Forks are funny.
Okay.
Maybe we'll just postpone the vasectomy
and... maybe everything can get back to normal around here.
Mm.
I don't think anything will be going back to normal.
Kids?
- Please go to your room. - Right now?
Okay.
Daddy's gonna get it.
Come on.
But i'm still eating.
I don't care. Come on.
But when are we gonna eat? I'm not full.
I've got some sweets in my room.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Do you have any idea the kind of shit you put us through today?
And now forks?
Forks, forks are funny.
Oh, my god.
The fucking fork, allan.
You know, that therapist said
we showed much improvement. I think this is karma
for us not finishing our treatment.
Well, i love you, but i don't know what to do.
I'm lost, i-i don't know who i am anymore.
And i-i'm trying to figure it out,
but it's... i look around me
and i see what we have and i'm wondering what...
how did i get here?
What is... what's happened?
You grew up, allan.
Well, i don't want to grow up anymore.
Awesome.
That's great.
No, listen, w-why... w-why do we have to do
what's expected of us?
Why can't we do what we want to do? Why?
I mean, are you even happy?
Hmm.
Honey...
well, i guess we're real married people now.
Just common,
run-of-the-mill,
basic married people.
We're not.
We're not basic, we're not basic married people.
Are we?
Yeah.
You know, i...
watched that documentary on the amish the other day.
Uh... the one in our queue.
Yeah, yeah, i've seen that. In the queue, i mean.
Anyway, before they can become full
and proper amish people,
they have to go out into the real world
and experience it to see if the amish life
is what they really want.
They call it "rumspringa."
Yeah.
Uh... do you want me to watch it or what?
Watch it tonight, if you want.
I think that you need...
your own mini rumspringa.
Just to get this all out of your system,
this... doubt.
Uh, and then you want me to get the vasectomy, then...
it's not about the fucking vasectomy, jesus.
I want you to do whatever it is you need to do
to make sure you're okay with this life.
Okay? So just... whatever that is.
Knock yourself out.
And i'll...
i'll take the kids to my mom for the weekend.
And then, come monday,
we'll see.
But, allan,
you're not the guy in the chicken costume.
Anything i want. Anything i want?
That's...
it is a trap.
The oldest trap known to man.
"Oh, go and do whatever you want."
They don't mean that shit.
This is a classic lose-lose situation.
I mean, you've already let it go too far.
You got to find maria right now
and tell her that you don't need this mini rumspringa.
What? No, absolutely not.
Uh, you want him to fall for it?
I want him to realize what she's doing to him.
What they do to us all.
I know what i want.
You don't know shit! She'll lock your ass in a room.
Yeah, i got to agree with phil on this one. I mean, look at your recent life choices.
No, i want to trust my wife, okay?
And i want my mini rumspringa.
I want one weekend out of my life
that i'm not a basic married person.
I don't remember a time without kiddie parties,
or playdates, or potty training.
What would you guys do if your wives said
you could do anything you want?
What would you do?
I'm not gonna deny that i've dreamt about this scenario,
on multiple occasions.
$50 rib eye.
Followed by a night in an exclusive vip vodka freezer.
Classy strippers.
Shoot, nasty strippers.
We should come with you.
You know, uh, for emotional support, right?
I mean, eve already thinks you're having a nervous breakdown.
This is a perfect excuse.
What do you think listeners?
Should we accompany allan
on his noble quest for enlightenment?
Oh, god, yes, they-they said yes, all five of them said yes.
Six, six of 'em.
Guys, i don't know, it's... it's my rumspringa.
That's too many syllables to go it alone, man.
All right, all right, i could use the company, i guess.
- Rumspringa! - Rumspringa, yay-yay!
Grandma's, yay!
All right, let your brother in first, okay?
- Is daddy gonna die? - Daddy's not gonna die.
He just needs a break right now.
Before they burn his wee-wee?
Everybody in the car. You're saying crazy things.
In the car can we talk about vasectomies?
Maybe not, i don't know.
Will you help your sister with her seatbelt, please?
I'm alone.
Whoo! Ah!
Ah, ah, ah!
Come in!
- Mm. - Welcome to my rumspringa.
Yes.
Is this really what i think it is?
Please tell me it's not happening.
I admit, i might have splurged a little bit.
Really?
There's enough for all of us?
- Mm! - Okay, wait a second,
we never discussed the limitations
of our planned "activities", okay?
- And if even finds out anything... - no limits.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Nothing is off the table.
Our man allan has two magical days to do
whatever the fuck he wants and, you and me, we're gonna be
supportive friends, goddamn it, and we are gonna humor him,
no matter how depraved his ass is.
Any minute now...
oh!
Sit.
Close your eyes.
I can't believe this is happening!
Close your eyes.
I just shouldn't be here, i shouldn't even be here right now.
Hey, come on in. God.
It's good to see you.
This is...
- you have no idea. - Um...
here you go, keep the change. Thank you so much.
- That's a dude. - Yeah, yeah, come on, come on.
Hey, what's in those boxes? Are those pies?
I got one of every flavor.
No, um...
here you go. Yep.
Yeah, this is cool, but what happens after? What's next?
Uh, next we eat, we eat the pie...
we drink beer,
and we watch sports,
uninterrupted.
That is fucking incredible.
Wait, so you want us to just sit here all day
eat pies and...
- and watch sports? - Yeah, yeah.
Maybe, maybe, um, maybe even take a nap later.
Nap?
Mm!
Man, you got a rhubarb pie?
Mm-hmm. Mm, so good.
- Where? - Right there.
I got banana cream filled.
Banana cream.
No, no, no, no, no, no, see, this is all wrong.
Hipster baker boy with fucking pies?
Special, like, that's your special delivery?
No, w-what about escorts,
and strippers and-and cocaine?
- Somebody's been watching too many movies. - Ha!
This, phil, is what i dream of.
I don't get to chill out in the house ever!
Watch sports.
I never get pie.
They always want brownies, ice cream.
I love pie!
- Hallelujah. - This is them winning.
Look, don't you see that?
Maria's got you so under her thumb,
you wouldn't even dream of doing the slightest thing that would offend her.
That's not true at all.
I dream of crazy shit all the time.
I dream of stuff so... so fractured,
and bent, and-and freaky that, i mean, she'd divorce me if she ever knew.
Isn't that what the point of this fucking rumspringa is?
To not kill the dream?
To actually do some shit that could get your ass divorced?
Mm-mm.
Not hide out, eating pie,
stuffing your face, scared of what the world has to offer.
You disappoint me, man. I think you're scared.
I'm not scared, so...
i am perfectly happy sitting here and eating pie.
- Shut up. - Listen,
you think of something we should be doing, we'll go do that.
Wait, wait, whoa, you're gonna let him pick?
- You sure about that, allan? - Yeah.
No, i mean, give me a couple options...
too late! Motherfucker, too late.
- Oh, jesus christ. - We're gonna put
some hair on them nuts tonight, goddamn it.
All right, can i just finish my pie, man?
You made me so happy with this pie.
Fuck the pie.
Don't fuck the pie,
but let's eat it and be done.
- Come on. - Thank you. Jesus.
- Mm. - All right, men, checklist.
- Cash. Booze. - Check. Check.
- Spare drawers. Rubbers. - Got 'em. Wait, what?
Hey, man, like a gun, better to have and not need
- than need and not have. - Whoo! We're doing it.
Look, if eve smells anything suspicious, she's gonna revoke all my privileges.
No, we're strictly going jason bourne.
Only pay cash, monitor all cell usage...
wait, wait, wait, stop. Ah, shit.
We can't take my car, man, eve put a secret tracking device in there.
Daisy did the same thing to me.
Dads...
- oh, hell no. - Please tell me you're kidding about that.
I hate this piece of shit more than i've ever hated anything in my life,
but it's all we got.
It's our rumspringa mobile.
Well, look, i'll say this, i mean, i guess
you can't really get any more under the radar than that thing, huh?
- Right? - All i'm saying is, i better not be on facebook in this bitch.
What happens on my rumspringa,
stays on my rumspringa.
In you go.
And here we go.
- There it is. - Little piece of heaven.
This is so great.
Can't be hygienic.
It's a rub and tug, not a dental cleaning.
I can't believe you've never had
- one of these before. - I always thought
these were for desperate, horny men.
Man, it's been so long.
Now, when you go in, and this is very important,
- they're gonna ask if you've ever been here before. - Mm-hmm.
You say, "yes, of course."
- Of course. - Then you ask for wang.
- Who's wang? - My buddy who comes here all the time
says wang is the best.
Also, make sure you ask for the works.
Wait, wait, you've been here before?
No, no, no, no, no, that... that's just... that's what i heard.
- Mm. - All right, so,
it's $40 for the rub, $60 for the tip.
So $60, $60 for the tip?
Okay. No, good call.
Let's make it $80.
All right.
You ready, buddy?
I am about to get jerked off
by a complete stranger named wang.
And, goddamn it, i'm gonna enjoy it.
Atta boy.
There you go, buddy. Hit it!
There he goes.
Kind of beautiful.
It is. It is in a way.
A man being set free.
Penis about to get rubbed.
Hello.
Good afternoon, how are you doing today?
I'm-i'm actually, you know what?
I've had a, i've had an interesting day.
And, uh, well, week, really.
But i'm fine.
I'm fine and everything is,
everything is fine. I'm here now
and it... i'm very, very happy to be... here.
Have you been here before?
Yes.
Yes, i have, many times, actually.
I-i would like a massage from wang.
Wang is the best, isn't she?
Wang... all the way.
Would you know what you would like?
A, uh, back rub, full body,
deep tissue, or...?
Um, no i think...
the-the works.
- I'm sorry? - The works, the works.
The works.
Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Well, then...
the works it is.
Wang!
- Yes. - Uh, oh, yeah, okay.
That's... thank you.
Oh, wow, yes, thank you.
Oh, that's amazing. Can i wear that?
Can i put that on? No, okay.
You are stunning.
Lay on the bed? Lay in the bed? Okay.
Uh, no, no, no bed.
To... breathe.
Okay.
Oh, the shirt, the clothing, clothing, take clothing off.
Yes. Okay.
There we go. Just everything?
Do, do everything? And... my underwear, too? Okay.
I'm so sorry.
I...
you can probably tell, but i've never been here before.
Sorry about that, i don't normally lie,
but, uh...
i was a little confused.
Lay down, okay.
I'm so sorry. Seriously, i think it's...
i don't know, the jasmine or something.
Where are you from?
Wang is, wang is a beautiful name. I...
thank you, baby.
Wait, what-what happened to the other girl?
Does that hurt?
You like it when it's rough,
- don't you? - Oh!
Yeah, that hurts.
Why don't you just relax...
your little body
and let wang do her...
- thing! - Oh!
Do i have a choice?
I said, shut up and enjoy!
Whoa! God!
Yeah, hey! We found your balls.
- Dr. Ken. - Sometimes you just got to give them a good, hard yank.
Turns out i didn't need them,
- but keep them close just in case. - Dr. Ken...
remember when you said i could change my mind at any time?
This is because of your golly whopper. You shouldn't worry.
What are you talking about?
- Boing. - Oh, my god!
Oh, come on, we've all seen an erection.
Well, maybe not her.
Especially on guys like you with limited sexual activity.
I honestly don't know why you even need a vasectomy.
- Do you even have sex? - No.
Yes! It doesn't matter.
Listen, i want to change my mind, okay? I don't want to do it.
Allan, you should've said something a minute ago
before shorty here started cutting.
- How'd the first incision go? - No, no.
- Um, i think it'll heal okay. - Gauze.
- God, it's not happening. It's not happening! - Oh, oh.
- Look at that. Come on! Oh! - No! What is that?
- Put it back, put it back! - Your manhood.
- Wake up, wake up, wake up. - I want you to be very still
'cause i'm gonna cut this. Okay, don't move.
- Um... - don't move, allan.
- Don't move, don't move. - Please!
- Don't move. Don't move! - Please, no!
Goddamn it, allan!
My wife!
Fuck dr. Ken.
Oh, god, i'm so sorry, i must've...
- i must've dozed off. - You are so stressed out.
- That can't be good for your body. - I think if i just...
- why don't you just lay back, - i'll just lay down, i think, for a minute.
Just lay back and show me your little soldier.
Okay...
no, no.
Whoo!
You're a funny man, i like you.
You're nothing like the usual perverts
that i jerk off.
Wow. Whoa, thank you, thank you.
No, no, that's-that's a compliment.
Thank you so much.
I... that means a lot, that means a lot.
And i hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but it's just with the minivan,
and the vasectomy,
- i just don't think i can do it. - It's okay.
It's all right.
We're all going through our own shit.
But you still have to pay for the works.
- No, of course. - No refunds.
Oh, i wouldn't think of it.
- What is the works, anyway? - Oh.
Well, first, there's a... little jerky-jerky
as a tease.
And then, i...
oh.
I rub my body all over you.
Of course you do. Yes
and then i take these two fingers
and i..
Whoo! Why don't we do that shit every day?
Man, i told you to get the works.
I mean, it sneaks up on you, but wow.
- Was wang the shit or was wang the shit? - Oh.
Wang was the shit.
Man, i'm telling you, if eve knew i was doing this,
she would dismember me.
- What's next? - Hey, wait,
you're the guy with the great ideas.
What-what-what do you got?
Rumspringa, motherfuckers!
Yeah.
- Yeah! - Whoa, seatbelt.
Let's hit it!
Whoo-hoo!
All right, where am i going?
Make a... right at the next light.
- Okay. - My man told me about a spot where we could get some coke.
- Whoa, god. - No, man.
What is this, "miami vice"?
- I don't want to go to jail. - All right.
Uh, medical marijuana.
- Okay. - That's us.
Is there any qualifying
medical conditions i should know about?
I get spasms...
in my penis.
At the worst times.
I bought into the whole 3d tv thing
and i think it's just fucked me all up.
Like the world looks 2d.
I got to be honest with you, we're just...
we're just trying to... to buy weed
- is that...? - I need a medical condition.
I have a lot of pain in my anus.
I think it's glaucoma.
I'm a father.
Yeah, that qualifies.
- This is so good. - Fucking amazing.
We bought this at a store.
- You walked through a store... - just walked in.
- That's beautiful. - ...and bought it
"Could i have a cupcake and some pot?"
America, bitches.
America!
I love drugs!
- Oh, shit. - Dad!
- Dad! Come here. - It's like a family. Oh, shit.
- Come to us! - Walk to the light, brother.
Walk to the light.
Fuck it, we tried.
That's like a time machine version of us,
- like yesterday. - We tried.
Oh, you don't, you don't want to eat that?
You don't need your vegetables?
Yeah, i understand. I totally understand.
The name's bond...
darnell bond.
Oh...
shit.
Get your lighters out, people. Yeah.
- Yes, sir. - Whoo!
- Hey, sweetie, hi! Yeah, i love you so much. - I can't hear you.
- I miss you so much. - Oh, i sound good?
I don't know, i think i just got bad reception.
This feels really good. Is that weird?
You guys...
- hey. - Oh, look at him go!
Go the fuck to sleep! Oh!
Oh, shit, sorry.
Hey.
Yo, guys, you got to get off the stage.
Fuck you!
Our wives and kids are out and we can do whatever we want!
- Uh! - We earned this shit!
I thought it was okay. Sorry.
You know, we are always talking about
how to survive marriage
so we don't go completely crazy.
But why not?
Sometimes it's good to go a little crazy every now and then.
Yes, yes, it's like what do they think we're gonna do?
We're gonna be out there shooting heroin,
and, uh, screwing everything that moves?
We're men, goddamn it.
We're-we're more than just jar openers
and bed warmers, we demand respect, and sex.
- More sex. Hot damn. - Yeah. A vasectomy should be illegal.
- God, come on, i'm telling you, it's not that bad. - No. Uh-uh. Mm-mm.
Not tonight, not ever.
Gentlemen, courtesy of table five.
Oh. That's free drinks?
- Excellent. - Three ladies right over there.
- Good luck. - What'd he say?
- Oh, shit. - Okay.
- That's cute. - They want our dad bods.
That's crazy, that's impossible. I mean, did you see these women?
They're not a day over 30.
- Thank you. - Let's invite them over.
- No! No, no, bad idea. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What are you... stop it! Oh, god.
I'm sweating already. I haven't talked to a non-mom in years.
Don't you dare fuck this up for us.
These girls are fine as shit.
- And they've been drinking. - Relax, they're not coming over.
They don't want to sit with us. I mean, we're old men.
Come on, look it... they're coming over.
- They're coming over. - Move the tables.
I don't want to do this, man.
What if, what if somebody recognizes us?
Eve can be so violent.
You are not cheating on her.
Yeah, we're just having a little conversation.
That is right. That is all we're doing,
is having a little conversation...
for now.
Ladies, hello.
- Hi. Hi. - My name's phil.
- This is allan. - Well, hello.
And this is captain minivan.
No, that's not my name.
Thank you so much for the drinks.
- Come on, have a seat with us. - You're welcome.
- Hi. - Hi.
You guys were awesome up there.
- Awesomely bad. - Yes.
You looked like you were having fun
and we could use a little fun.
Well...
welcome to the fun table.
Uh...
- hi. - I, uh,
should tell you right now that i might say something completely stupid at any time.
It's something i've been doing a lot lately, i don't know why.
And drinking.
- What are you guys celebrating? - Uh, i don't know...
actually, today is allan's birthday.
Happy birthday.
It's not, he keeps telling people that,
but it's not my birthday, i'm just old.
You're not old, you're just a little bit... married.
Ah, the ring. Hello.
Happily?
Oh, well,
i don't even know what that means.
It's a loaded question.
Well, i guess you're here, that's good enough for me.
Well, yeah, i don't... never-never get to do this,
so it's really a new... you know, it's nice to be out.
Good company, so
it's nice.
Wife keeps you locked up, huh?
Oh, life keeps me locked up.
I always wondered why people get married.
It's all the excitement at first, and...
then what happens?
Oh, you're asking me?
I'd only confuse you further,
i guarantee it. Instant headache.
Maybe we're just not meant to be
with the same person our whole lives.
Maybe it's our nature, we want more, uh... excitement,
- variety. - Yeah, or maybe
we're-we're meant to be married,
but only for a certain period of time, you know?
- Mm-hmm. - Put an expiration date on it,
date comes up, "see you later.
No hard feelings."
Or you stay married and put a new date on it, maybe.
I like it, it's...
it's strangely romantic.
I guess, i don't know.
Now we just got to convince the rest of the world.
Have you passed your expiration date?
Uh...
i-i... nah, i don't, i don't, i don't think so,
but it's... it's probably, it's probably coming.
Are you sure, allan?
I'm not completely positive,
but i'm s... sure enough.
Oh.
Mm.
Well, what are we drinking next?
- Tequila - "te-kill-ya."
What the fuck was that, man?
You fuck.
You fucking fuck.
- Oh. - Oh.
What are you doing in here?
- I had to pee. - Oh.
Oh, you... that's... okay.
You know i'm married, right?
You're sweet.
I'm-i'm... thank you.
That's... i've got to...
okay.
I've got three kids and uh...
oh, god that feels good.
Got a house.
Mm, you smell like strawberries.
Ah.
I've got a loaner minivan.
Minivans are hot.
It's happening. It's happening.
Oh.
Oh, i'm s... i'm sorry.
I can't do this.
You sure about that?
Yeah.
She must be amazing.
Or you're a fucking pussy.
Both of you were naked at the same time?
Oh!
You're a real fucking asshole, you know that?
Girls, are we ready?
- Yup. - Yup. Fucking mute.
What?
Worst moms night out ever.
I have to go home and screw my husband.
My tits are gonna explode.
I got to go pump in the car.
Uh...
w-w-what just happened?
- I have no idea. - Well, i think that phil
just cock-blocked us with a couple of moms.
No, no, wait, wait, wait,
do you think our wives do shit like that
- on moms night out? - No, man, no!
- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Come on.
That's ridiculous.
Are we sure?
Here's to you, you fucking...
hey, what'd you say to that mom?
What'd you say to that mom?
- Same shit you would've said. - Nope.
Did you see that girl's ass?
Goddamn!
Aye, oh, and-and don't get that shit twisted,
that was a fluke.
I got game.
Oh, yeah.
- I got game. - Yeah.
You know what you should've said?
What you should've said was
that you had a vasectomy,
'cause they were moms, they might've thought that was hot.
It's all i'm gonna say.
You know what? It's all right.
It's all right.
Listen, i know that i should probably do it, okay?
I'm not an idiot.
But it's all just so final, you know?
And...
i feel like a pussy, all right?
But i-i-i thought all the freaking out
was, was gonna be done when we got married.
And then it happened again when we had kids.
W... when does it end?
That's happily ever after for your ass, man.
It's messy as fuck.
I can't help it,
but, sometimes...
i just want to run.
Wow, yeah.
But you know what would happen?
They would just find us.
I can hear daisy right now,
"no! No! Where you going?
No, i got dreams to crush.
You an asshole, but you're my asshole.
My asshole!"
"My asshole."
"Uh, babe? Babe, uh, where you going?
You're too dumb to find another woman."
- "Too dumb." - Damn.
Uh, yeah, she would say,
"uh, jason,
there's nothing to be ashamed of.
You just don't have any working sperm.
Now wipe this kid's asshole, he's got diarrhea."
Eve is cold, man.
I'll tell you what,
when this is all over, something's gonna change.
And i don't know what, but i know i am not getting a minivan.
That's right! That's right!
- That's what i'm talking about. - Good luck to you, dude.
Good luck on that one.
Oh, oh shit!
We are living! This is what it's about, man!
Come here, motherfucker, i love you!
I love you too, you asshole, yeah, give me a hug.
Come here, come here.
- No, give me more, man. - No, no, no.
- You know you like it. - No, no, no!
All right, i love you, i love you.
I'll give you that, i do.
You're a bad motherfucker, man.
- Cheers. - Oh.
Mm.
Have you been having fun, allan?
Whoa. You again.
- So you think you got your whole life figured out, is that right? - Yes.
I mean, no, no, no. No, of course not.
No, i don't. What's happening?
Well, you scared away my residents, allan.
No, that was, that was a dream.
That's...
what is... oh!
Why am i tied up?
What is... what is that blo...
what is that blood? What is that pain?
You moved.
I told you not to move, and you moved.
He shouldn't have moved.
You nicked it?
You really nicked it?
How bad?
Oh, it's real bad.
The good news is i can 100 % guarantee
this vasectomy's effectiveness.
No. No!
Ee!
Get me out of here!
Untie me!
I'm gonna cut your balls off and see how you like it.
It doesn't matter, buddy, it's all a dream.
- Fuck you! - And you got everything figured out, right?
No, fuck you, fuck you!
Oh, i hate your face.
I hate your fucking face.
You...
you got me, dr. Ken!
You punked me, you prick!
Hey, guys?
Oh, there's a fucking ticket.
Oh, shit, that's a lot of money.
Hey.
- We slept in. - Oh, fuck.
- What time is it? - Ah!
Okay.
What time is it?
It's okay, it's 6:00.
It's 6:00.
Oh, fuck, it's 6:00 p.m.
get up, phil.
Who fucking? Who fucking?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No. - Oh, son of a bitch.
We slept through the whole...
look at that piece of shit.
Fuck!
You know what?
It's over.
Why don't we just burn this fucking van?
Let's just burn the fucking van.
Fuck it, let's do it.
Oh, my god. Okay.
- I'll burn this van. - It's all you.
What are you doing?
Put it away, put it away.
You're not burning the van.
You got to take kids to school,
you got to go to work.
We're dads.
We don't do that shit.
Rumspringa's not over.
We still got time.
- All right. - Come on!
All right, let's-let's regroup.
It's winning time.
- There's uber. - Let's get a... let's uber!
- Let's uber! That's thinking. - Get some food
- come on! Titties! - And see some titties.
Titties.
- Titties. - Titties it is.
Whoo!
Ow, my head.
It's literally about to explode right now.
Like, literally.
If you want, i can go ask them to turn the music down
for you there, old dad.
I just cannot believe we slept through
half of your rumspringa.
Oh, it's fine. And, you know what?
After eating pies,
sleeping in was number two of two on my bucket list.
Yeah, well, there will be an addendum
that involves that girl's ass
in your lap, i promise.
Soon as i get my strength.
She's very limber.
Oh, look at those dudes over there.
You ever think about what it'd be like if we got to go back
and do it all over again?
We'd be like those assholes?
I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.
Like, i don't even know where i would start.
What did we use to do all day?
I mean, you can only jerk off
so much, right? Man, fuck them.
Fuck him and his perfectly manicured hair and beard combo.
Fuck that motherfucker 'cause he reminds me too much of me ten years ago.
It's like bizarro phil right there.
And fuck him because
he just looks too goddamn happy.
He is happy, son of a bitch.
Youth is overrated.
Yeah.
I miss my kids.
Right now,
as you stare at that ass, you miss your kids?
You know what? I bet that she is stripping to support her own kids.
You know what?
I can actually see her being a really good mom.
No, no!
While she's on the pole,
she's not a mom, all right?
- I miss my kids, too. - Oh, shit.
- Don't you miss your kids, phil? - Yes!
Yes, i miss my fucking kids, all right?
In fact, next time, why don't we bring them along
so we can not miss them while we watch
this non-mom shake her ass
as a family unit? That sound like a plan?
Guys?
I know what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna do it.
What? Well, wait, hold on a second, you still got a couples hours left.
Yeah, i mean, don't do something you might regret.
Well, also, don't not do something because you might regret that
because that's a mistake also.
You know what, boys?
I thank you for your wise
and sage advice.
But i'm gonna add an item to my rumspringa bucket list.
The third and final item...
and i'm gonna need you to join me.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Day's a-wasting. Hey.
Are we doing this, captain minivan?
You all look amazing, by the way.
- You're such a good dancer. - Thank you.
Could you, could you let me up there
and dance just a little bit?
- Uh... sure. - Like a minute, you know?
- Come on, 100 bucks. - Yeah, well, sure.
I mean, what about that guy?
Oh, here you go, take one.
- Yeah, let's do it. - Awesome.
Help me up, help me up.
All right.
Oh, god.
Yeah, that's good.
You know, i watched a lot
of janet jackson when i was little.
I saw janet
work like this once.
Let me show you how we do it
in jail, fellas.
I know this is what y'all really want, right?
Yeah!
- Oh! - Hey, allan,
i think this dance party's taking a turn, man.
- Can we leave? - Dance party was not on my list.
Well, then what are we doing here, dude?
Come on, are you ready?
Yeah, but i've never been in a fight before, allan.
Neither have i.
Whoo!
That's right! That's right!
Take these.
Come on!
Oh!
Dance fight!
Let's go, buddy.
Oh, my god!
You ready to go now?
Rumspringa!
Yeah, boy!
? On top. ?
Merry rumspringa, man.
Best day ever.
Aside from the birth of my first child.
- Yeah, yeah. - And the second, and the third.
I feel very good.
- We should coordinate our next mid-life crisis. - Oh.
I am getting so tired of coming in here.
Who's gonna make the call, huh?
Anyone? Come on.
Daisy would never let me hear the end of this.
I can't ask eve, she would castrate me.
- Didn't i tell you to shut up? - Yes.
Then why are you still talking?
Hey, officer, can't we, uh, just walk out of here like men?
No, you need a responsible adult to drive home, okay?
And that's final.
Fucking dads.
Well, we're screwed.
Don't we know anybody that can keep their mouth shut
and be completely non-judgmental?
There is one person.
You boys are so
fucking stupid.
Whoo, you owe me big time.
And apart from all the money,
y'all gonna have send me a lot of referrals.
And each of you
is gonna have to open up at least 20 fake yelp accounts.
And you better leave me good reviews.
Hey, hey, wang, are you sure i can't sit in the front?
What did i just say to you?
- You said no. - I said no, goddamn it.
Shit. I love you boys, but if you don't pay me my money,
i'm gonna tell all y'all wives.
- No, no, no, no, please don't. - No, no, no, please, please.
Shit, then don't fuck with me.
Oh, no, bitch. No, you didn't.
- Boys? - Uh-uh.
I declare mini rumspringa officially over.
- You motherfucker! - Well, then our job here is done.
You gonna be all right, brother?
- I think so, yeah. - Don't you make me pull out that goddamn stick.
Now, if anybody asks...
- you mother... - nothing happened.
That's it. Right, goddamn it.
That's right. All right, now. Let's get our asses up out the fuck out of here.
Ah.
Hey.
- Hey. - What, uh...
happened to your face?
Uh... you really want to know?
Actually, no, i do not.
That's good
because we all kind of said
that we would all say nothing happened.
So...
did you figure it out?
Is this what you want?
It's exactly what i want.
That's good.
Fucking asshole!
You know how freaking worried you had me about you?
- Hey, hey, hey, please... - no, and then eve and daisy,
they're telling me you're gonna back with an std
or, like, be in jail or something.
Come on, what? Jail? That's crazy.
- Std. - What?
I don't have an std.
- Are you kidding me? - No, i'm not... no.
- There's no way. - I would cut you.
I would end you, end your life. You would be dead.
We would pray for you because you'd be dead.
No more.
Well, what would you do then?
You'd be a little widow.
- Widow, widow maria. - What do you think if...
do the...
- i missed you. - I missed you.
Not yet... oh.
Mm, wait, um, allan?
Wait, allan... just one thing.
- Honey, i'm gonna get the vasectomy. - No.
- Okay? I'm not even, i'm not even afraid of that anymore. - No.
But i don't want the minivan, okay?
I will get the... i will get the suv
- with the third row, okay? Not the minivan. - Okay.
- Allan... - unless you really, really, really have to have the minivan.
- I will not be happy about it. - Allan, for fuck's sake. Just...
okay, look, you know how i've been having headaches lately
and-and i've been tired and kind of a bitch?
- No, you haven't been... no, you're just your normal, - okay, okay.
Loving, loving self.
Look, um...
babe, i've been nauseous all week.
No. Are you sick?
I took a home test.
The doctor confirmed it.
We're...
we're having number four.
I told you you didn't know how to pull out.
No, no. What?
- This... that one time? - The one time.
But-but i didn't... i never... i wanted to,
but i-i... the condom broke and i didn't even...
allan?
- Babe? Allan? - No, no. Uh...
allan, don't you freak out on me right now.
- I just w... what's happening? What's happening? - Baby? Baby?
- It's okay. I know, i know. - I wanted to finish, but...
- i didn't actually, uh... - it's okay. Baby, just breathe.
- Just breathe, it's okay. - I didn't actually...
- no, it's fine, it's fine. - The condom broke!
You're freaking out right now, okay?
Allan, please, you're scaring me right now.
- It's not funny. I know it's number four... - what's wrong with daddy?
- What happened to his face? - We should call the cops.
No, nobody is calling anybody, okay?
Everybody back to bed, okay?
Back to bed, guys! Guys, come on.
Dad? Dad, breathe.
We should call an ambulance.
Allan, you're scaring them. Please do not do this. Guys, go back to bed.
I knocked you up and i didn't even cum!
- Oh, my god. - Oh!
I'm the biggest stud of all studs!
I love you.
I love you, and i love you.
- And i love you! - Okay, daddy's fine.
Okay, daddy's fine. Okay, back to bed.
- Okay. - I love you.
- You're crazy. - I love you.
Um, we're having number four.
Jeez.
W-what's this?
Whoa.
You're like a wild woman.
What... i've never seen this look.
Oh, god!
Whoa!
I am going to fuck your brains out.
Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god. - Oh, yeah.
- I love you. - Shut up.
- Oh, god. - Oh!
- I'm gonna kiss you. - No, shut up, i don't care.
Hold your ears, kids!
Mommy and daddy are having sex! Oh, god.
- Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. - Oh, they can hear us. Okay.
Shut up.
It's okay, it's okay. Hold on.
- Oh! - Oh!
I finished.
Shut up.
So, dear listeners,
what would you say we learned through all this, huh?
Not a goddamn thing.
There's no moral to this story.
No, no, no, i think we learned something, something important.
Yeah, there's more than one way to track a phone.
I mean, eve knows everything. She's so smart.
Shit, really? Man, she better not talk to daisy.
That will be my ass, i'm telling you.
Let's just, let's just...
go back to talking about sports, okay?
Sports i understand, women, kids, technology,
- not so much. - You want a moral to this story? I'll give you one:
get the damn vasectomy before you screw up pulling out and get yourself stuck
with number four.
I mean, i love the little fucker, but now my life
is officially over.
I mean, i don't even have time to flip out anymore.
Yeah, listen, i hope you pick up the minivan.
No, no, there will be no minivan.
- Okay. Four kids? We'll see about that. - Motherfuckers.
You know i got a consult lined up next week, right?
I can't stand y'all asses.
- Ha-ha! - What happened to us, huh?
We used to be men.
We used to be proud.
Sports. Come on, now.
Only sports from here on out.
Amen.
? Amen! ?
Amen.
Aw.
Look at you, you're so nervous.
Oh, well, you know, it's a big day.
Oh, you... look normal.
Mm-hmm. Well, you have nothing to worry about.
The doctor is very good and gentle.
Counting on that.
Oh, here he is.
Man of the hour. Okay.
So, a vasectomy.
I honestly thought you'd never come back.
Most men like you don't.
Well, i'm not like most men like me.
That's cute.
Okay, remember, a vasectomy is forever,
especially since you'll probably never be able to afford a reversal,
so, are you sure you're sure?
Doc, i do not want number five.
Fix me.
One vasectomy coming up.
Oh, come on, allan. Didn't i tell you to shave your balls?
- Oh, shit. - Nurse, give me the blade, please. No, no, no, no, no,
i like the old fashioned one.
What, what? Old fa...
holy shit.
That's like a cleaver.
No, no! No residents.
Go find some other balls to fondle.
Real funny.
Allan, you remembered to take your pain meds, right?
What? No!
Oh, shit. No, no, no, it'll be all right.
It'll be all right, it'll be all right.
Well, i'm not gonna lie to you...
i love my wife. I love my kids.
This is gonna hurt.
Okay, look at the ceiling.
- Quit it. - Oh, you son of a bitch!
- This will teach you not to have anymore children. - Goddamn it!
The population's 7 billion in the world.
Right up the middle, right up the middle.
I love playdates! I love potty training!
This is for you, baby! Oh!
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, hey, guys, what did i tell you?
You did such a good job.
- I'm proud of you. - Oh.
- It's dad. - And don't forget to keep
the frozen peas on that special area.
- Oh, yeah. Yep. - Hey.
- Hey. Hi.
How you doing? Are you okay?
- Aw. - No, i'm fine.
Nathan!
What is wrong with you? Get out of here.
Oh, my god, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Actually... i didn't feel anything.
Mm.
Hey.
Is he gonna be okay?
Physically or psychologically?
- Oh. - Al?
- Here are the instructions for his post-op care. - Okay.
Basically, just let him lie on the couch for a week or so,
cater to his every need, yada yada.
Oh. Really?
This here is the most important step.
Your wonderful husband
must bring this specimen in six weeks.
Oh, the specimen.
- Okay, well... - hmm.
That shouldn't be too hard.
Except he must first clear the chamber...
20 times.
20 times?
Ideally, 30. Or more.
And i'm sure he'll appreciate your assistance whenever possible.
It'll really help his recovery.
That's... interesting.
Okay. Thank you, doctor.
Thank you, doctor.
Yeah.
- Good luck. - Well...
- 30 times, huh? - Well, doctor's orders.
Oh. Great, yeah.
All right, kids, let's go home.
You stand in front of me. You guard me against your brother.
- He's a little wild man. - You, stay on my side, you.
How's daddy gonna pee without his wee-wee?
He'll pee out of his butt.
Oh, god.