And this display is all that's left of control.
An ultra-secret spy agency
which once battled against the criminal syndicate known as KAOS.
CONTROL was disbanneded at the end of the Cold War.
Ok! Up next ...
Judy ... The elevator is still doing that thing where it drops really fast.
Are you sure maintenance fixed that?
Let me check...
Yep, they fixed it.
See you later...
Hey Max!
Agent 50 ...
16 floors down, how could a fly get in here?
Hey Max!
Larabee, 91 ...
Yeah, big day!
It could be your last chance to push a pencil.
Field Agent test results are due.
Oh, is that today?
I wasn't, uh, really thinking about it...
Can you imagine Max as an agent?
Lace up those shoes.
Uh-oh, two nerd pile up. (Makes crash sound)
Move.
Pretty boys....
...nothing but empty suits.
Good morning Bruce. Good morning Lloyd.
Why would you even want to be an agent?
I mean ... Lab guys, like us,
Analysts like you ...
We're the real soldiers ...
We're the true guardians of freedom and democracy.
And, uh, I hear we're getting a new cappacino machine.
Nope, unfortunately that's only for agents.
Ohh ...
Hey! Agent 23 is back!
Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Welcome back 23!
Maxiee!
So how was the assasination?
Maxie you know assasinations are
specifically prohibited by executive order 12333 ...
23, you kill me!
Ah, I could if I wanted to!
Yes you could.
Did you see that face he made?
Come here Maxie! Scary.
6 months work. 18 million dollars.
Frickin' agents man...
A lot of chatter in this region, involved nuclear material,
you may remember from page 627 of my last report,
that there has been an uptick in KAOS intrest in nukes.
To it, I offer the following conversation ...
What are you doing?
Are you texting?
Yeah... just letting my fiancee know we won't be able to get married in June...
Cause we'll still be in this meeting.
Can I see it for a second?
Yeah.
That's great.
That's weird, you lost your signal ...
Sorry to interrupt Maxie.
Go ahead.
Next time, use your own damn phone!
Good morning men!
No offense Karen. Snappy tie.
Sorry I'm late,
but I just came out of a budget meeting
with our incredibly abrasive, dismissive, and sarcastic and vice president.
It's no problem.
I have obtained a snipit at great risk, to a busboy in Ballat.
Azhab, how is your coffee?
Good, Dalip.
It's decaf.
How is yours?
It is good, also.
How is your muffin?
Powerful stuff...
So muffin then, is a code-word.
No! It is comfort food
and, quite frankly, much more fattening than most people realize.
Which begs the question,
Why would two hardened KAOS agents risk the carbs?
Because they are under a great deal of stress...
Hence the decaf.
For Azhab yes, Dalip takes his full strength. Why?
Because he has been sleeping on the couch for 3 days,
because he called his sister-in-law... a leathery hag.
You know, people often say things they don't really mean.
Leathery hag... Fat cow ... Ungrateful whore...
Just words really.
That shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing...
Let it go man.
The kids don't even look like you.
Can we put a pen in this please and go back to Max's extrodinairly detailed report?
Thank you Chief.
All that I'm saying, is that until we understand
that our enemies are also human beings,
we will never be able to defeat them.
Yes, they are bad guys.
But that is what they do, not who they are.
Let's continue listening
and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.
Easy Duran!
This stuff is radioactive.
One slip-up and its ka-freaking-boom!
Shtarker ...
This is KAOS.
We don't ka-freaking-boom here ...
Sorry Mr Siegfried.
Get it in the truck.
And let's burn this place to the ground.
But if we have what we want ... Why burn the building?
Any more questions?
Missed me!
Alright! Alright!
I'm out!
He was lying Max
Good shot!
Thanks.
I am so sick of training. I want to get out on the field!
Give it up 23! It's just you and Maxie pad against the 6 of us!
Oh gee, Maxie pad. I've never heard that one before.
I never have actually heard that before...
23, you're bleeding.
Ahh ... it's a knife wound from the last mission.
When my blood gets pumping, it starts to seep.
Hey Maxine!
Why don't you come over here and we'll play a little game I like to call:
"Let's go to the dog show."
I put a collar on you and make you my bitch!
I think I really got inside his head!
I am not proud of what I just did.
Game over Chatty Kathy!
Game over when I say its over.
Ok...
Wet willey.
Ok, who wants lunch?
Well,
Excellent work 23.
But I could have handled it my...
Max...
The Chief wants to see you.
It is nice to see you too!
You wanted to see me Chief?
Yes Max, yes. Please... sit down.
Your field agent test results just came in. And...
Something wrong with your ear?
Absolutely not...
Would you like me to wait while you answer that?
Answer what?
Nothing!
You were saying?
I was saying that your results were quite extraordinary!
In fact, your essay on the existentialism was quite amazing!
I left that section blank.
Blank?
Brilliant.
Brilliant Max!
At any rate, you passed with flying colors.
Yes!
You know what sir?
I can't say that I'm shocked, because I felt very good about this year's test.
Especially in light of the fact that in previous years my fitness has been an issue.
A personal best.
But not anymore!
I'm ready for duty.
Max... I know how hard you've prepared for this, and how much this means to you...
But, uh, I'm afraid I can't promote you.
What?
I can't afford to give up my best analyst.
I mean... the amount of chatter you get through and your reports...
I mean, they go way beyond the raw data.
So...
To be clear, you are not promoting me because I do such a great job.
Max...
The way you and I work has become a lost art form...
Do you know that I spent half my days
trying to convince the Vice-President that intelligence
comes from human beings and not satellites?
Men with hunches that's where the real work gets done.
I'm very proud of you Max!
Very proud of you...
And I need you where you are.
I am sorry, but we can never be.
Despite today's set back, I will at some point, become a field agent ...
And when that happens, one phone call
could take me to the other side of the world.
Who am I kidding?
I'm a middle-aged man who has missed the train.
You don't deserve this.
I don't deserve you...
You're so young, so full of life.
Don't it do Fang...
Don't love me.
Sorry. Oh great.
That was my last mile and now I have no idea how fast I was.
Well, you were really moving!
It's not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
I'm just going to call that one a... 4:50.
Impressive!
I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Oh really? That's uh, that's lower.
Well .. not everything is a competition.
-Well, if it were, I'd win! -Ah!
Are you flirting with me?
Not at all!
Are you flirting with me?
It depends...
Is it working?
Not at all...
Well, nice meeting you!
I admire your focus!
Am I invisible?
Bruce, Lloyd!
What happened?
And what is that ungodly smell?
Fear...
I'll be back.
Freeze!
No, you freeze!
You freeze!
-I told you to freeze! -Freeze times infinity.
Oh my God!
You!
Are you CONTROL?
I am Maxwell Smart. I am an CONTROL analyst.
Who are you?
I'm Agent 99.
Oh...
...My...
...Word...
You are Agent 99?
I am a huge fan!
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm right here. Just talk to me!
I'm going to cause a diversion and you run and get help.
I really don't think that's a....
Shhht!
Did you just...
Shhhht!
Good 23 ... just in time!
I think I got one of them!
Is that the Chief?
Yes it is.
Sorry about that Chief...
Is that a dent in his head?
Hi!
Agent 13...
You are in a tree?
Yeah, communications got knocked down so they put me in a tree.
Old school stuff.
I'm glad to see you're ok.
Well .. I have to get going.
Would you raise up the walkway?
You don't have to get going. You don't have to get going.
Yeah, I've got a meeting. So...
How have you been?
I've been well.
Everything good?
It's great.
Well, I've got uh...
Could you come back this way?
I... Yeah, yeah. I think I will.
What time?
Well...
Huum...
I get it.
Who wants to talk to a guy in a tree?
I get it.
Hang in there. Don't cry!
Don't, please don't cry.
Ok Let's get started.
You'll have to bear with me, I'm still a little fuzzy.
I got a pretty good hit in the head yesterday.
Yes, it was dark in there...
You probably tripped.
I hurt my knee.
It was smokey too.
Alright!
Here's what we know...
Wait!
Chief...
I request a cone of silence.
Oh Max, Not the Cone of Silence.
We're in a safe room, for God's sakes!
We also thought that the CONTROL was safe...
Ok...
Lloyd...
Ok.
We have reason to believe that our security was breached by KAOS...
You have to speak up!
Can you hear me?
What?
Can you hear me?
What did you say?
Bruce, it's not working.
It's not working!
Ok!
It's not working!
Chief, I hit you in the head with a fire extinguisher.
No, no. We're not ready yet!
What?
Ok ..
Alright...
It doesn't work!
Turn it off!
Usless piece of garbage!
Hey Larabee...
You ok?
Larabee wants out!
Ow!
What do I do?
We are going to get rid of this!
Ok.
Yep, I can hear now.
Sorry Chief. Someone led me to believe,
the cone was ready.
For the record, I never actually used the word "ready".
Show them the cone. They'll all go for the cone. The cone was the shizzle. You said that.
Shut up now!
Listen up prople.
There has been a rash of thefts of nuclear material,
especially yellow caked uranium, over the last 3 months.
Now, based on Max's intel,
we were able to get Agent 38 inside KAOS.
We must have been close to uncovering something big,
so KAOS hit us, and they hit us hard!
During the confusion, they hacked our system
and learned the identities of all of our field agents.
Around the world, our people are under attack.
Our only lead
is the maker of the bomb that KAOS used against us.
Ladislas Kistivil.
It is pronounced...
Mr Krstic.
Yes!
Ladislas Krastica ...
Krstic!
Kripblitz!
Yes.
He is a Bosnia national
and one of KAOS's favorite munitions suppliers.
Unfortunately...
We make no idea where he is.
Actually sir, we do.
He is in Russia.
How do you know that?
It was on page 482 of my report.
Doesn't anybody read my reports?
Alright,
Our mission is clear people.
Find Kristas!
Krstic.
Yes!
Find him!
Kris...
Kringle.
Fish sticks.
Ok. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Use him to get to KAOS,
then recover the stolen nuclear material,
before they can do something less than friendly.
And maybe...
If we're lucky...
We can apprehend the man behind it all...
Siegfried.
Pictured here with his number two man...
Shtarker.
But Chief, how are we going to do that when all of our agents are already compromised?
Put me out there Chief!
I am not afraid to expose myself!
Do you ever think before you speak?
No. I whip it out there.
That's what's best.
Fortunately, we have other options.
99 recently underwent massive plastic surgery, so her new face is not known yet.
We also have a new agent...
Agent 86.
Who is that sir?
It's you Max!
Alright Maxie!
You did it!
Lloyd may I have the C.O.S. please?
Oh, I'm so happy! I'm so happy!
This is the best day of my life!
Max...
You...
You didn't push the button hard enough.
So, you could hear me?
Yes...
Right....
Excuse me, Chief. Just a thought.
I'm not questioning your judgement,
99!
I insist on complete honesty.
If you have something to say to me, I wish you would just say it.
Max has no experience and I don't want him as my partner.
Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.
Hey Max!
We got you a lovely parting gift for your first mission!
Oh, a pocket knife!
It's not just a pocket knife,
A Swiss Army Knife!
It comes with tweezers, pliers,
a tiny magnifying glass,
space scaler, saw, flame-thrower, chisel,
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
What was that thing you said two back?
Chisel?
No, before that.
Did you say flame-thrower?
Yeah!
Check it!
We also added a crossbow that fires harpoons,
Connected to 60 feet of spider-silk nano thread.
Has the strength of half inch steel cable.
It's a time consuming, labor intensive technology!
The spiders have to be individually milked...
And they do not like it...
No, They don't.
Gentlemen!
You are the best!
Thanks.
(Over PA) Ladies and gentleman, we ask you to please keep your seatbelt fastened.
I feel really good about us as partners.
23 said that's important.
Trust is a must.
That's what 23 says.
-Does he? -You and I are share a bond.
I think,
We both know what it feels like to look in the mirror and not like what we see.
You with the surgery, me with the weight loss...
I want to show you something.
That was me...
Wow!
Impressive!
Congratulations!
Thank you.
This is...
Me!
Wow!
Very impressive 99!
You were truely hideous!
Back then...
Any way, since we are going to be portraying husband and wife,
Maybe we should get our story set.
Ok. Good idea.
We met at a marketing convention in Vegas.
Married a year later. No kids.
I like your parents, but you hate mine.
Do we want kids?
Well, you do. But, I'm concentrating on my career.
Well, I don't know if that's fair. I mean, I'm older than you are.
Well, not by much.
Really?
When they gave me a new face, I had them, um....
Take a couple years off.
You know, why not!
Well, if that's the case, then you are at an advanced age...
-You should... -No, I was never...
No, I am just saying that your eggs could dry up and...
fall out of your uterus. So,
Time is the essence.
That's your opinion.
No, That is a medical fact!
There is a lot of time for me to make this decision.
And I don't want to be rushed into it by you, or my mother!
-You don't have to... -Where is the damn drink cart?
-Uh Oh... -What?
6 O'clock.
Don't turn around. Don't turn around!
Use your peripherals...
-Do you see him? -No...
I'm just widening my eyes, I'm not actually seeing anything more!
The big, scary guy that might as well be holding up a sign that says, "Hi, I'm an assassin, I'm here to kill you."
Ok, 99. You know what? That is profiling.
Just because he is large, doesn't necessarily man that he is a bad guy.
I mean,
Ohh!
Wow!
That's a bad guy. That's a really bad guy!
-You don't say? -Did you see his face? -Yes.
His head, looks like one of the Easter Island heads.
You know what? I'm doing the same thing.
That's profiling. And I will have none of it!
Oh, darn it!
I gum on my new shoes.
-He's trying light his shoe! -It's a shoe-bomb!
-Get him! -It's gum!
-Gun? -He's got a gun!
It's not a gun! No!
Federal Marshall. You're under arrest!
Sir, I believe you just shattered my coxyx!
(Captian over PA) Folks, we may be experiencing a little turbulance. The fasten seatbelt sign has been turned on.
Hum Hum!
Well,
You were no help whatsoever.
How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus!
I never said dusty!
We're getting close to the drop site.
-I'll go first. -You're going to bail out with your handcuffs?
No handcuffs can contain me!
Excuse me. Violent Sky Marshall!
What do you want?
I have to "squeeze the lemon."
You heard me!
Squeeze...
...the lemon!
-Do you work out? -I... Occasionally...
Yeah, I'm big on proteins. Protein's great.
Get it out!
I got to get that out! Gaa! Ahh!
It's in there! That's in there!
No time for pain!
Over the drop zone...
Ballsack!
Son of a hamster!
-You alright in there? -Yeah!
Yes I am!
Everything's fine. Mother of pearl!
Oh that burns!
Last chance...
Airlock activated. 3, 2, 1...
First package away.
-Absolutely. I love cats. -Really? -Yeah.
Damn...
Second package away.
Oh good! You heard me!
Third package away.
Third package?
99! Easter Island!
-I'll be right back! -Where could you possibly be going?
Noooooooooo....
Ok ..
Never do that again!
Max, hang onto me!
Stop it!
Max, I can't reach my reserve!
Do something!
That would have definitely worked on me!
Are you crazy? If I can't pull my shute, you'll die too!
-Aim for the haystack. -Stop talking!
-Aim for the haystack, it's softer. -Stop talking!
You missed it.
Ok, not to keep dwelling on this,
But that was some kiss!
How did you know that would work?
Have you kissed other men who then plumeted to their deaths?
Ok, Ok! You know what?
So far, our entire "partnership,"
Has consisted of me getting you out of trouble.
Do you know why? It is because you keep leading!
So, here is how we stop that. I lead now.
I am the one with field experience and you do not know nothing!
I beg to differ.
I looked up your field agent exam.
-And I scored 8... -You what?
Your field agent exam. I scored 8 points higher than you!
-This is not a classroom! This is real! -That is the difference between a A+ and an A-!
-You are going to get us killed if you don't start listening to me! -Difference between an A+ and a A-!
A minus!
Ok, ok. You are faced with an assassin. What do you do?
-I take out my gun and I would shoo... -You don't have a gun.
-I did until you took it. -Bang. You're dead.
-No, I'm not. -Bang. You're dead!
-Stop shooting me. -You are dead!
-I don't like it when you shoot me! -Bang, bang, bang...
Stop it. Stop shooting me more! You already said that I was...
Hey!
Bury your manual. I hear there are no grades.
There's only dead and not dead.
You know... I am not completely incompetent without a gun.
I am a master in the art of Hwa Rang Do.
I was not ready!
-That's my point. -Yeah, you know what. That...
Hey! What was that?
Max is halfway to Moscow.
Don't tell me you're still translating that Russian chatter.
They talk fast. It's hard!
It takes like 8 of these morons to do what Max did.
I can't wait til we finish the HMIE new project!
All these stupid agents will be obsolete!
-What's a HMIE? -Hyber Mechanical Intelligence Entity.
Basically a robot.
Its a stolen KAOS technology.
It's being reprogramed. Top secret.
-Need to know. -And you don't need! Hmm.
I'm a trained killer, you know? I can kill you with anything in this office.
You want to die by post-its?
Cause I can make that happen!
And that's a slow death.
-Larabee. -Yeah?
-Were you the last one to use the copier? -Yeah.
-You left it jammed. -So?
Why don't you "unjam it"?
-Just open the door, read the instructions... -Is this your stapler?
-Yeah, you want me to show you how to use it? -No.
-Now, why don't you unjam that? -23...
-Yes? -Can I have a moment please? -Sure.
Let me tell you about a patteren that's beginning to emerge.
As a former field agent,
I am very much aware of how difficult it is to make the transition office life.
You know, Chief, he didn't unjam the copier!
And we have rules here. You know that. And if you don't follow the rules, then what are we?
I tell you what we're not,
We're not people who jams staples into other people's heads.
That's CIA crap.
Alright, look Chief! I'm your best guy!
I don't belong in an office making copies, I should be out there with Max!
Look, 23, no more stapling today.
So, how do you know this place?
Well, as an analyst, I like to keep my ears open.
It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. In fact,
The Ladislas Krstic loves this place. As do many KAOS agents.
Cafe Minspinsk in Smolinsk...
It doesn't get any better than thinsk!
See what I just did?
I added an insk at the end of the word. Made it sound Russian.
Should've smacked you harder.
Is that your default setting?
Do you just punch people in the face willey-nilley?
It's Tuesday. I'll punch Max in the face.
A box with kittens. Time to punch Max in the face.
Oh, I'm having some bread. Time to punch Max in the face.
You know, I love bread.
And I know bread has a few carbs, but...
I've never really been afraid of carbs, because it seems like no matter how many I eat...
I stay thinsk!
Oh, I'm sorry... Are you talking to me?
No sprekee zee Russian.
You know what? I will tell you, I love your country!
No more Communism, no rules of any kind. Really,
I'm filling my suitcases with steroids and art from ancient Mespotania.
Ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I've ever had!
Time to take my pill.
There was a guy in the bathroom, who was really hot.
Ok...
No, no no. Radioactive hot.
Although, yes. He did have a, certain rugged quality that some might find appealing.
How did you know he was radioactive?
My watch is a Geiger Counter. You don't have one of these? Huh?
Listen, I think he was part of the nuclear theft in Chechnya. We should follow him.
I got to say Max,
You picked a good restaurant.
Of course!
Tripe soup!
This must be Ladislas Krstic's house.
-What? -Tripe soup is his favourite dish.
-It was in the mission dossię! -Let's just see what we're up against, okay?
I didn't get to eat at the restaurant.
And if you skip a meal, the next meal you over endulge.
-Oh, well. Let me. I've got nails. -Its a receipe for...
You owe me 3 dollars.
More guards. We'll have to figure out a way in.
Miniature blow gun. You don't have one of these? Hmm.
These darts are tipped with a potent tranquilizer derived from the skin of a Amazonia lizard
known as... "Los zapatos de la muerte," the shoes of death.
Excuse me.
They're fourty yards out, that's definitely the edge of my range.
I'm going to have to give this one a little something extra.
Wow!
-You look spectacular! -Thanks.
You don't look too bad yourself.
-Is that a wig? -Yeah, it came with the dress.
How did I get into these clothes?
That's not important. Let's go.
Am I wearing boxers?
For future reference, I usually prefer briefs.
For their security.
A piece of mind. Going freebird is not exactly ideal.
I don't like it!
There must be 200 people here! Finding Krstic will be like finding a needle in a haystack.
I'd love to dance!
You understand Russian.
Very impressive.
Shall we?
-I hope that your date doesn't mind. -Oh, he's not my date.
He's just a local whore screwer I hired to drive me around.
It is a tragic story, he's quite deaf.
Really not bright.
I...
... am going...
...to dance...
...now.
You...
...go...
...go get yourself some punch.
Ok...
I don't even know how much gets through.
-Chief, I need your help. -You're on, go ahead.
We have Krstic. I have searched most of his house,
But I cannot find his computer network. Get me an infared satellite scan.
I have to get back to 99. She is in grave danger.
Your house is so beautiful.
It must be difficult to go to work.
I don't have to go very far.
I wasn't talking to you.
-Me? -Da.
I don't know...
It'll be fun!
Trust me.
-You are so light on your feet! -I recently lost 150 pounds.
So did I!
-Isn't it great! I so much more energy now. -Me too!
-Thanks for jumping. -No problem.
Thank you for the lovely dance.
Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high.
Anyway, I found out that the office is in the guest house.
Oh really? How did you do that?
Show him the declatage? A little cleavage? Bat your eyes?
I'm not judging, just detecting a patteren here.
-Ready to work? -I'm ready to work. You ready to work?
-Oh my God. -Are you just having fun showing your...
6 guards, we are going to need another way in.
Stay on it Max. Larabee, let's go! Move it!
Hey, what you do? I can't find the right screen!
It was just here a second ago. Then I hit a button. Then it went away!
What the hell did you hit?
Don't yell at me! Its really not helping!
If you don't find that screen Mr. Larabee, I'm going to have you hunting for land mines...
With a hammer!
Got it Max. There is one other entrance.
-What kind of entrance? -The kind where you're going to want to throw your shoes out afterwards!
Oh great, rats.
Not enough that there's poop.
You know what? I never saw James Bond in rats or poop.
Let alone rats and poop.
Oh, look. A rat riding on a piece of poop.
Stop it. It's just a storm drain.
Here it is!
Exploding dental floss. You don't have this? Hmm.
3...
2...
1...
Right...
Are you staring at my butt?
No! I am not.
I might have been before, but I
Now I am again... Alright, I'm stopping. I...
Just pay attention to what I am doing so that you can follow me exactly.
Yep.
Ok Max, Little heads up.
These are high intensity lasers so whatever part of you does touch gets sliced off.
One more reason why boxers were a bad idea!
Alright, so... do I have to do it exactly like that?
Just, come on!
That's... Impressive! Wow!
Careful getting up, this one's tricky!
Good.
Very good!
Ok, its not that good.
Max! Max! Stay calm!
Max, keep it together.
That's not cheese!
Max, keep quiet!
Ok...
Shall we?
Did I heard something?
Yes, there were some... tap dancers in the hallway.
Damn it!
I can't get into their system, Biometric security.
If you don't mind 99...
The old steam from your breath sticks to everything but the oil from the last thumbprint trick.
Here we go!
Ah! Shipments of explosives.
Your boyfriend is a very bad man.
Really good kisser.
Ignoring that.
They were going to ship the detonators! That's odd, wouldn't you say.
-Well , he is a bomb maker. -No, no, no!
What is odd is that it was shipped
to a bakery in Moscow.
These detonators can also be used for nuclear bombs.
I think this is our connection to KAOS.
I set that up.
Let her go!
No.
I'm not totally incompetent without a gun you know.
Thanks for the help.
That's enough!
Pity. I am about to shoot beautiful woman and her retard, stable boy
and yet...
I will sleep like baby.
-Not bad for a rookie. -Not bad for an old lady.
-Siegfried here. -How could you possibly screw this up?
-The Krstic was an fool! -And they got lucky!
-Who's that? Who's speaking? -That's no one sir.
They're heading towards you. Don't disappoint me again!
Don't worry sir. They won't get pass...
-Why does he do that? -Don't look at me, I'm "no one."
And don't you forget it.
Everyone here can be replaced.
I even have backup for you.
It's called a rhinoceros.
I think it's time to find new wheels.
Pull over.
I, uh,
Feel good about the mission so far. Don't you?
Uh, so far. Sure.
I think we work very well together.
Like at the mansion...
The way I held that guy's hair while you punched him in the throat.
That was, uh,
That was nice.
Nice?
-Yeah, well, good teamwork! -What are you doing?
I am just saying that I think we're very compatible...
I think you are confusing adrenaline with, I don't know...
Some other kind of hormone.
-Oh, no, no, no. That is... -You know what Max? Just stop it!
Ok, let me give you a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
You can't trust anyone out here, not even me.
I mean, you know, I could be a double agent!
The break-in at CONTROL, that was probably an inside job.
and it happened just as I got back. How do you know that it wasn't me?
What are we talking about here?
-Which one is going to attract the least attention? -Uh,
Alright, well we have a couple of Soviet era sedans here.
We have that tractor.
That cart.
And...
That'll work.
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Oh yeah, we are really under the radar now.
Will you relax?
Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one of these here.
There's our little KAOS bakery.
Now, I'm sure I don't have to remind you,
but this isn't anything like the last place
There's no party. There's no dancing.
Everyone in there is a trained killer. Do you understand?
Did they explain to you how your belt buckle works?
No, but that technology for holding up pants hasn't changed that much.
Max...
Hey, but ...
This one has a compartment. Inside there's a pill.
If captured, it would cause death in 9 seconds.
Great!
But how exactly do I get them to take it?
-You're not much of a laugher, are you? -Here.
-Put this on. -On what?
On your molar. It's a tooth radio.
It sends and receives sound up your jaw bone and into your inner ear.
but I can't hear anything outside your mouth.
So, if you get in trouble, you have to say so.
Is it working?
-Is it working? -Yes.
Good!
Ok...
Well, you know what to do...
Good luck in there.
You too.
No thank you. I am here for something else.
Bread?
Something... hot!
-- We have rolls that just came out. -Even hotter.
Much...
Much hotter.
I already have boyfriend.
-Alright. -Although, I could make exception.
No, that's...
-Sure. -Ok.
Flour sex in back. Very comfortable!
I don't think we are on the same page.
I am here because...
Ladislas Krstic sent me.
Take number.
But I'm the only one here!
-Who are you? -My name is Knugar Schfulkas.
-Who are you? -I am Siegfried.
-Did you say Siegfried?
Yes!
I understand that you're the man to see
when someone is interested in aquiring items of a nuclear nature.
-How do I know you're not CONTROL? -- If I were CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
If you were CONTROL, you'd already be dead!
Well, neither of us is dead,
So I'm obviously not from CONTROL.
That actually makes sense!
Follow me Mr...
Schfulkas.
The Ode to Joy, from Beethoven's 9th.
Stone deaf when he wrote it.
He had syphílis. Fun stuff.
Yes, a personal favorite.
A bit familiar, but it ends with a bang.
You're doing great Max!
What I'm about to show you is the inner sanctom of our entire operations.
The inner sanctom of the entire operation?
Yes.
This is it?
Of course not. I lied.
He does that.
I'm going to kill you and then I'm going to kill your partner.
I don't know who you're talking about.
Ah, Mrs. Schfulkas must be lost.
I think it's only fair to warn you,
this facility is surrounded by
a highly trained team of 130 Black Ops Snipers.
-I don't believe you. -Would you believe 2 dozen Delta Force commandos?
-No. -How about Chuck Norris with a B.B. gun?
Goodbye Mr Smart.
Well Mr Shtarker, I think you have underestimated me...
and the element of... Surprise!
99, you've been compromised. Get out!
Access denied.
Max, where are you?
-99, I found the Yellow Cake! -Of course you did, its a bakery.
No, not yellow cake, cake. Yellow Cake uranium!
Although, there is yellow cake, cake here as well.
Oh Max.
Max...
-Do you read me? -99!
-I lost your signal. What happened your radio? -I swallowed it.
-I can get it back to you but you may not want it. -Good Lord.
Listen, I have placed charges at key stress points all over the building.
What?
Max, you can't blow up a building full of radioactive material!
I know that 99.
I placed only enough charges to safely bury the weapons lab.
-- Max, that's brilliant! -Wow,
That's maybe the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't get it, I thought he was dead!
I will say this, he's not a quitter.
This is just ridiculous!
99! Wake up 99!
Maybe you should kiss him again!
Wait! I know that voice!
The Decepador! The Saltador!
Ahh! That was me!
-Max? -I'm, yep. Still fighting!
Dalip, I can prove that I know you!
Your favourite dish is chicken tica!
Like me, you enjoy American Top 40 with Ryan Seacrest!
Wait...
Wait, no wait. There's something else that I know.
Max.
Your marriage is in trouble.
Your darling wife, Synot, is leaving you.
But there is still hope...
Do you love her?
Then show her.
Go home for lunch.
Take her with you the next time you go to kill someone!
She just wants to be with you, and frankly,
that means less time with her sister.
Who we both know, is undermining your relationship!
Kick the gun to me.
99, please!
Big people feel pain too.
What are you doing?
Oh no... Oh no...
Max!
That's alright.
Her sister's such a bitch.
-Are you alright? -Yeah.
That was amazing!
Thank you!
We gotta go!
99!
-What was that? -I prempta...
-Come here! -Good idea.
We will climb up with you and all go...
together....
He left us here! What a douche.
Missed it by that much.
Well, that's convenient! Shoot them!
Whatever you do 99, don't look down.
-I'm going to try to get us over to that ledge! -Max.
We can do this 99!
Max!
Right...
Oh, thanks Chief.
Okay. No problem.
The Chief is thrilled. He sent 23 out to observe the clean up.
Great.
Listen,
It is possible that you could answer a personal question?
It's possible.
Why did you change your looks?
Oh, um. That's not really a personal question.
Things from my non work sphere spilled into my work sphere,
Facts became know.
Identities were compromised. And I became a brunette!
Wow, that is a great story...
...in which you reveal absolutely nothing about yourself.
I blew a mission...
I was involved with someone from work, I lost focus...
The mission blew up...
I broke it off with that person, but my identity had already been revealed.
So, I had two choices. I could either spend the rest of my life behind a desk,
which would be like 8 hours a day of...
...scraping a cheese grater against my forehead.
-Oh, you know... -Yes...
Or could I change my face. So that's what I did.
It was painful, but, uh, needed to be done.
-I don't want to talk more this anymore. -Ok.
I used to look like my mom.
I used to look like two of my moms put together...
Sir?
If I may ask...
How did you choose the target? Why Los Angeles?
Major city, lot's of media attention,
And the president will be there.
Still, its too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Yes,
What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice?
Oh my God! Have you eaten the crew?
Oh look, it understands.
Get back to work!
No, that's not possible.
No, no, no! Max said that...
No,
That doesn't make any sense.
Yellow cake uranium? Warheads? An entire production line?
There's nothing here, but what used to be a bakery.
Are you telling me that there are no weapons?
That there's no radioactivity of any kind?
Nothing. I swept the entire area, and it's clean.
-But Max said that he... -Did you see the evidence yourself?
No.
No, he everytime he felt something, he was alone...
-Ok, what do you want me to do with Max? -Do with Max?
Max...
You were right when you said I shouldn't trust you.
Give me the phone!
Who might this be? Siegfried?
-Hello Max. -Chief?
Knockout gas 99? Please...
I have trained my body to be impervious to..
That's new stuff...
Oh Max!
I am very disappointed Max! I thought you and I were supposedly cut from the same cloth.
Chief, we are. How can you think that I am a double agent?
You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
You conviently killed Krstic before anybody could question him.
And there's a little matter of your stoning my head in with a fire extinguisher!
I said I was sorry. You just didn't hear me because you were in a mini-coma.
You've made CONTROL a laughing-stock...
The Vice-President wants to shut us down, you know?
99, this whole week,
Last night,
-You know me. -Apparently not.
Oh my God! You too?
You and Max? You said we had to break up because we work together.
My God! You and 23?
I am so sexually threatened right now.
You have reached the United States Department Of Homeland Security.
For threats against the Continental United States, press 1.
For threats against Hawaii, press 2.
For threats against Puerto Rico, press 3. -You know,
You're the only human being I know who snores when he's awake.
Ok, Today's threat assessment.
There are 72 threats on the list.
-Mike? -Thank you Mr. Vice President.
Ok, we have a deteriorating situation in Venezuela,
We have a deteriorating situation in Afghanistan,
What about the deteriorating situation in North Korea?
-I was getting to that... -When? Next week?
Yes, next Tuesday. Right after I kick your ass!
Gentlemen!
When we argue, the terrorists win.
Any way. Last night at a private dinner, President Kim Jong Ill
Made a very odd threat to, and I quote
"Make a pudding from the bones of Americans!"
Oh, that guy's insane.
Doesn't he know bones are crunchy?
Who'd want a crunchy pudding!
-War room. -Finally!
My name is Siegfried and I represent KAOS.
Over the past few months, we have assembled a stockpile of nuclear weapons,
Which we have distributed to 20 unfriendly,
Unstable dictators.
For the moment, KAOS retains the bomb activation codes.
But, we will release the codes,
Unless our demands are met.
-What are your demands? -200 billion dollars by 3 pm.
200 billion dollars by 3 pm?
You seem a bit slow. Is there someone else I can talk to?
Good one!
Look, Siegfried. We don't negotiate with terrorists,
And you're obviously bluffing.
-Take a hike! -What are you doing? Are you kidding me?
You spend half the morning talking about crunchy pudding,
-And you ignore a credible threat? -Credible? Come on.
KAOS has been debunk for 20 years.
With all due respect, the CIA knows nothing about KAOS.
-CONTROL has to be in charge here! -Like when you bombed that bakery?
Muffins of mass destruction!
That's it, I've been waiting for this since Nixon!
-Here we go... -Bring it!
I've got a new pacemaker. I can go all day!
Ok. OK! Then come on!
It seems like they don't believe you...
Which is why we've arranged for a little demonstration.
Chief!
-You wanted to see me? -Yes!
You and 23 are coming with me to see the President.
-Can't you just call him? -The Vice-President won't let me through.
I can't believe we have to go all the way to Los Angeles.
Why is the President never here?
Sir, I'm sure whatever he's doing is vital to the nation.
"Good Night, Moon!"
"Good Night cow jumping over the moon."
Uh, actually. I think you would suck as my teacher.
Well, for one...
Hey Smart!
Happy Birthday!
I'm fat!
Gentlemen.
Good, the itchy kind.
My favorite!
Does this one also have small pox?
And that was a human tooth.
Here's a sweet dedication from a little lady named Dalip,
It's to her boyfriend Max.
"Meet me in LA, things will be very hot...
Nuclear hot."
I don't know. If I were Max, I would get myself to LA!
Hey, dumb guards!
Why don't you come in here, so I can make you my pretty, little girlfriends?
You'll have to shower for weeks!
But you will never get the smell off it. You two seem very angry!
Thank you sir! May I have another?
I was kidding...
9 ...
... 4 ...
... 3 ...
... 6 ...
... 8 ...
9 ...
... 4 ...
... 3 ...
... 6 ...
... 8.
Turn around slowly!
Guys, you have to believe me! I am not a double agent!
-We never thought you were! -Yeah, we love you man!
Then, what's with the firearm and the freakshow expressions?
For the security cameras.
If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired!
Got it.
-So, where are the Chief and 99? -They flew to LA to talk with the President.
I need to get out of here before someone else comes to stop me!
-I suggest you overpower us. -Good idea!
-Bruce, I will smash you in the face. -Thank you!
Loyd, I will simulate your disembowelment.
Ready?
-1... -Oh!
Not yet! I haven't punched you yet!
-React when I punch you! -Oh!
1 ...
2 ...
3 ...
Wrong way...
Ok, wait! You should know, sometimes I faint...
-I'm not actually going to hit you. -No, but when I see blood...
-Or talk about blood! -There will be no blood!
Hang in there! Hang in... Buddy...
What you are doing? Don't come running out in the middle of the road,
You could get hit by a ca...
Well,
That was ironic.
Chief, I'm not buying it.
With all our satellites, there's no way anybody could possibly have
nuclear bombs, that we would know about.
Nuclear!
-What was that? -Sorry...
Mr President, if I could just please show you some data...
Just, uh... Just back up here a sec.
The 1st thing I'd like to know is:
What did the Vice-President have to say about this?
I'm afraid the Vice-President and I had a less-than-cordial encounter yesterday sir.
-Less than cordial, you say? -Yes, sir.
Well, I'll say...
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, he uh, sent me this little movie.
Put it right here on my cell phone.
Let me share this with you here. This is my favorite part here:
"I have a new pacemaker. We can go all day! "
Oh, Chief.
Very sweet tackle!
Look!
Look at the surprise on his face!
-I probably owe him an apology for that sir. -No, no, no, no!
Please, Just save your breath.
But, I have to agree with that son of a bitch.
We cannot respond to every threat!
Case Closed!
-Max? -Hello 99!
-Trace 99's call now! -Where are you?
That's not important.
What is important is that KAOS has planted a bomb somewhere in Los Angeles!
We got him! He's still in Washington.
Listen, while I was in my cell, I had some time to think.
I realized that, even tough I was accused of something I didn't do,
I was happy.
Because, at least for a little while,
I got to live my dream of being an agent.
And I got to be with you...
I learned that you have a have a mean right cross,
You are almost as good a dancer as me,
-And you used to look like your mom. -Max...
Please 99.
All I'm asking is for you look me in the eyes
and tell me that you don't feel something, too.
Freeze!
Oh Max...
How can I look in your eyes?
Just turn around.
Why are you talking into your shoe?
The old call forwarding from the shoe phone to the cell phone,
so you don't know where I am,
And then I appear on the roof behind you and surprise everyone trick.
Don't move!
-Max, what are you doing? -How did you get here?
Do you , do you have another one of these?
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that there is a bomb, and I, I am here to help you find it!
How do you know this?
-I'd rather not say. -Max, there are millions of lives at stake!
If you have credible information from a reliable source,
I want to know it, and I want to know it now!
-I heard it from America's Sweet Heart, Ryan Seacrest. -Whoo...
-Come on... -It was a coded message!
Max we're running out of time here! What are you talking about?
I received a tip from a KAOS agent who I befriended at the bakery.
-I think we should trust him, Chief. -Oh, absolutely Chief...
I'm with 99 on that one.
Everytime I look at Max's puppy eyes, I'm a goner.
Oh my God!
You've really never had anyone break up with you, have you?
Chief,
You said that you and I are alike.
That we are both old fashioned men...
Well, I have an old fashioned hunch.
I have a hunch,
That you have a hunch.
And I am telling the truth.
Max,
Any double-agent who escapes from a high security holding situation,
Only to fall right back into the arms of the people that got him in the first place,
Is either an idiot, or not a double-agent!
And I don't think you're an idiot.
Thank you, Chief.
Now we know that the President is in town,
But what exactly is he doing here today?
-Max! -Yes,
-We need to find out his exact itenerary. -But Max...
I know, I know 99. I need to go get a paper.
-We're in position. More or less. -Roger.
-I have the whole security system online, just remember, -Yes, we know!
How about a little "radio-silence"?
I wanna quit, but what can I do? He's married to my sister.
Oh, by the way,
I reviewed the security tapes from the explosion at the bakery...
And I know that you let those CONTROL agents get away.
So, unless you do your job today,
Your lovely wife Zhinat,
Will have eaten her last Kabab.
Red team, check for access violation in Quadrant 3, Sector 7.
Copy that.
Go!
That's it, you're in!
Door secure.
We need to get everyone out, and shut this place down!
We've swept the building, it's fine.
The Secret Service doesn't make mistakes,
Like the fabulous bakery boys!
Who told you about that?
-Who told you about that? -Hey, take it easy old timer.
You're going to give yourself a heart attack!
-And this day will not include me blowing air into your mouth. -Hey, do you want a piece of me?
-Chief, he's not worth it! -You want a piece of me?
-You'd better watch it... -Let me at 'im!
From Los Angeles, California, we welcome you to a special
live broadcast of our concert for the President!
Dignitaries from around the world have gathered for the event.
We will be broadcasting from the Walt Disney Concert Hall,
Throughout the evening.
There has got to be another way in!
Why are we even still here? There are 50 other perfect targets.
The Golden Gate Bridge, the Space Needle. There is no chatter to support this.
You know what? As a matter of... I'm, I'm done with this. Stop!
Wait a minute 23!
You're radioactive hot.
-When would you have been exposed to radioactivity? -I just got back from Russia!
Half the people there are radioactive...
The bakery...
-You said that you swept the whole area and that everything was clean. -I did.
-And it was! -Really?
Was there anyone else there, or do we just have to trust you?
23?
Your knife wound is seeping...
Sudden rise in blood pressure?
Perhaps you're nervous?
Nervous, because there is a bomb here and you know it!
And what is with the briefcase?
-Could that actually be the football? -If by the football,
You mean the computer containing the bomb activation codes?
That is exactly what I mean. I have no interest in a real football,
unless it is signed by Joe Montana And I don't believe that is the case here.
Well 23?
You know what?
We're out of time...
You follow us, and she dies!
Stop this car!
Max! You idiot!
What the hell is wrong with you?
You don't just slap your hands on a government vehicle!
Hey! Alright, that's it!
When we get back to Washington,
You morons are through!
Damn it!
How have you gotten away with this for so long?
I can't believe none of us saw it. Especially me!
Aw, don't beat yourself up, you'll be dead soon anyway.
Chief, he's heading southbound on Grant.
Thanks Bruce. Keep us posted!
Hey, CONTROL assholes Who just stole my vehicle.
I know you're listening!
You two dickwads put on scratch on that car!
-What was that? -Sorry, I'm loosing you...
Alright fellows, 20 dollars if you hit the car!
Chief, I have to say...
This whole thing really stings my plans.
-I cannot get over the fact that 23 is a traitor. -Sand trap!
Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was the traitor. It is desmoralizing.
Tractor!
I don't know how I missed it, I'm usually very observant!
Sword fish!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I don't know. Were you thinking:
"Holy shit, holy shit,
A fish-sword almost went through my head "?
If so, yes!
Come on!
On behalf of the United States gavernment, I hearby comandeer this plane!
The device is armed. I hope you're moving.
Don't worry sir, I will be well clear.
-Chief, they're headed south-bound on I-47! -Thanks Bruce!
I've got them!
-I need to get down to that car! -No, no good!
If go too low, he'll hear me coming.
I have another idea!
What are you doing?
Get back in the plane, you're going to kill yourself out there!
Hang on!
Hang on. We're going in.
Sorry, Max!
-But Tuesday's not going to work.Cannot do tuesday. -Mom!
-Mom, Mom, Mom! -Shawn, Shawn, Shawn!
See how annoying that is?
See, this is your problem!
-Some men like women who are feminine! -Wha... I'm not feminine?
No!
I'm not feminine?
Freeze!
That was so cool!
Damn it to hell!
You know, I might be more help if you untie me!
There is a knife in my right front pocket.
Stop, stop, stop!
-What? What is it? -That's not my knife...
That's not my...
I got it!
99, don't touch that!
Oh My Lord.
The kid's still got it!
Max, hurry!
Hold on 99!
Chief!
We can't stop the car!
We have the football, but we do not know the code!
We need to figure out something soon, this tractor's taking us back downtown toward the bomb.
You gotta get out of there! You won't survive the jump.
I'm coming to get you!
Hold on 99!
Its not over Max!
-I'll take that briefcase. -If you want it,
-You'll have to take it! -That's what I just said!
I know, I'm just trying to annoy you.
Unusual, but effective.
-Are you alright? -I'm fine.
Max!
Max, your foot!
I wish, we had more time...
Max!
No!
Oh Max...
No...
I wish we had more time too...
So, you did hear me?
Max!
But the train...
Missed it by that much.
"Operation Joy"
"The Ode to Joy, will end with a bang"
Chief!
Yeah Maxie. Are you ok?
Listen, I think the final notes of The Ode of Joy trigger the bomb.
-We have to stop the concert! -I'm on it...
My buttocks are really stinging from being dragged.
Hey, grandpa. I already told you...
Speak up son, I'm an old man you know?
I liked that tackling part!
I am so, so sorry about that.
Wait, wait, wait. Let him go.
-There was a bomb. -Where?
Would you believe...
...in the piano?
Whoa, how did we miss that? It is huge...
Max...
-Was that... -A total guess. Yes it was.
That old son of a gun can take a hit, huh!
-Do you think I should tell him? -No, let's just savor the moment.
He's a funny sumbitch.
This is the proudest moment of my life!
-The bomb not go off. -Oh really bright eyes?
What alerted you?
Was it no boom-boom? Or the lack of a mushroom-cloud?
It was the mushroom-cloud for me.
Well, you did your job.
So, I suppose I can't kill your wife...
Though, to be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favor.
Good hang time huh?
Yes, Mr. President!
Thank you and good bye sir!
86, the President wanted me to convey his personal thanks.
And to tell you how enormously impressed he was with that whole "dragged by a train" thing!
Ah, well sir, as an agent
I have trained myself to be impervious to pain.
I wanted him to be a surprise...
99, please. Nobody here knows that we're dating.
Yes they do.
On the cheek...
Give me just a little one...
Hey, New Guy!
Hold up a second... Welcome to CONTROL!
We have a tradition here. It's called "pick on the new guy." And here's how it works.
-We pick on the new guy. -And you can't do anything about it.
Let's try one.
You dropped your pencil.
Did you hear the man?
I don't see a man. I see two little girls.
I think I'll call you Marine and you Britney.
-The new guy did not... -The new guy did...
Ok new guy, I got this.
-And I'm going to enjoy it. -That will make me happy Marine!
Marine...
Just for the record...
My name is not new guy,
My name is Hymie. Now, if you ladies will excuse me...
-This is going to be so fun. -Make him high five me.
Max, we're going to be late.
Oh Max, let maintenance take care of it.
You've gotta be kidding me!