( waves crashing )
Woman: Mr. Bishop?
Mr. Bishop, we really need you to stay still.
Okay.
( machine humming )
( humming stops )
- Okay. -( girl giggling )
Girl: This is gonna be good.
Phoebe, Daddy’s trying to rest.
( giggles )
That’s it. I’ve had all I can stands,
and I can’t stands no more!
( Phoebe laughs )
Daddy, put me down!
You want to wrassle with "King Crazy Hair," this is what you get!
Hah!
What’s "wrassling"?
What’s wrassling?
This is wrassling!
Daddy! I’m dizzy!
( sighs ) Me, too.
Hey, I have a speech tonight.
You want to come pick out my tie?
Yeah.
Probably a good idea to wait for the room to stop spinning, right?
- Uh-huh. - ( chuckles )
Phoebe picked this out for me,
and I managed to tie it myself.
Trash is full.
What?
Can you take out the trash?
But I just finished getting--
Dressed, and you look great as usual,
and I am late.
As usual.
Yeah. Great. We’re on the same page.
Uh, only 10 more years till Phoebe goes to college.
We can do this, right? Bye.
( sighs )
Bishop: It’s not the artist’s job
to reflect nature.
The camera on my iPhone can do that.
The artist’s job is to take nature
and wrap it in a beautiful little bow
and present it in a way
that even my agent can understand.
( laughter )
That might have hurt his feelings
if he were listening to anything I’m saying right now.
You are all blank canvases
sitting in front of blank canvases,
and what could be more exciting than that?
Creation itself is in your hands.
Every stroke counts.
Thank you all very much,
and keep painting.
( applause )
Coming through.
- ( ringing ) - Ah, fiddlesticks.
- What is it? - Can you get the...?
- Man: Oh, jeez. - ( ringing )
- ( phone beeps ) - Hello?
Gracie!
Uh, uh-huh...?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I’m sorry.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I’ve got Michael manning your pot.
( winces )
- Ow. Ooh. - Here.
But listen. Hey, do you think you could
find it in your heart to come in?
( scoffs )
Dinner was supposed to be 13--
okay, now 14 minutes ago,
and we are still on hors d’oeuvres.
You are ruining my son’s graduation.
You’re ruining it!
( timer beeping )
Gotta go.
Well, at least the client’s happy. That’s what’s important.
( moans ) Listen, are you gonna be okay here for a second?
I’m gonna go talk to her.
- I’m good. - Okay.
Oh.
You know, she was at the lecture.
Was she?
Are you all right, Tom?
I’m fine.
Because as much as I appreciate these checks
from the college gigs, I’m still waiting for--
You’ll get it when it’s finished
and not a second sooner.
Could you give me a hint? Is it 80% there?
( sighs ) Well, you’re getting warm.
Uh...
are you gonna stay for dessert?
I’m a happily married man.
Heh.
There’s no such thing as a happily married man.
( sizzling )
Phoebe: Uncle Mac, you’re here!
He’s always here.
Go have a seat, ’cause I’m about to rock your world.
( Phoebe giggles )
How’d he convince you to let him touch the stove?
He wanted to pull his weight.
Maybe he can keep pulling it
all the way to a new apartment.
Val, you know I would move out if I could,
but there’s nothing.
There’s literally nothing that’s available.
Oh... ah.
There’s a lot of lies on the Internet, Val.
- I’m gonna get her juice. - Val: Mm-hmm.
Need you to show me how to do that map thing on my phone.
Why?
I’m going to Century City
to look at that restaurant...?
The one that Michael wanted me to see.
Thought we talked about this already.
I’m just gonna look.
She hardly sees you as it is.
Fine. You have the GPS thingy in your car?
No, ’cause I have my phone.
The last time you used the map on your phone, you got a call,
and you ended up in Temecula.
That’s good. I’m taking that for my act.
Okay. Put the GPS in my car.
Do you know how to use it?
I will figure it out.
I will program it for you. As a matter of fact,
I will draw you a map just as a backup.
Mwah!
It’s called "helping," Val, not "controlling."
- Mm-hmm. - What happened to your hand?
Nothing. It’s fine, Tom.
- Bye, Mommy! - Bye, baby!
( dripping )
It is the perfect spot, Val.
The kitchen hardly needs any work.
I mean, it is-- it is ready to go.
- ( drips ) - Just a leak.
Easy fix. Duct tape.
Oh, Michael...
Okay, uh, and yesterday.
Remember yesterday when we were walking through the seventh level of hell?
- You remember that? - ( laughs )
We’re better than that.
You’re better than just being a caterer.
Every great chef, right, needs her own restaurant.
Look! A chandelier!
Tom and I had an agreement.
It was my decision, too.
I know how much being a mom means to you,
but I also see your eyes when you’re working.
- You love it. - ( laughs )
You do.
Val, look, I believe in you.
( sighs )
I want to be your partner.
Let’s show the world.
Let’s-- let’s show your daughter what we can do!
Yeah?
- All right! - ( groans )
( cork pops )
( laughs ) Here it comes.
To the queen of the kitchen.
Thank you. Cheers.
Cheers, my friend. ( laughs )
So how’s Tom feeling about all this?
I haven’t told him yet.
Because he wouldn’t understand.
All right. Well, you know, that sounds...
really bad. This really sucks.
( chuckles )
Val.
When did you know things were starting to be a little bit...
between you and Jake?
Oh.
Well, when his first mistress
got into a fight with his second mistress
at my daughter’s christening.
Oh, yeah, good times. Mm.
Hm.
What is going on with you?
- Nothing, nothing. - What?
No, it’s just, um,
things have been a little bit cold lately, and...
Do you think it’s possible to still
be in love with someone, but fall--
Fall out of like?
Yes. It’s like, do I love my husband?
He’s my husband,
but sometimes he’s--
Oh, yeah. I know. But men suck.
- Hi, girls! - Hey.
- Hi! - Hey, munchkin.
Hanson Carter’s new music video comes on in five minutes.
- Yeah. - Hanson Carter!
It’s gonna be totally awesome.
You want to go upstairs and watch it?
- Yes. - Yes!
Okay. Okay.
The babysitter’s gonna be here soon.
Wow. Just wow.
That was-- I’ve been watching you for 15 minutes, Tom.
You should sell tickets. This is--
it’s like watching someone tend a Buddhist garden.
You are a genius.
Is it 5:00 already?
People say I don’t do anything all day.
- Ladies? - Brynn: Oh, my stars!
Is that the Tom Bishop?
I thought you did paid appearances now, big shot.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi, Brynn. I got these for you.
Which is a joke I thought would be funnier.
Tom: You guys ready to go?
He’s way funnier onstage.
Well, that remains to be seen.
I mean, I have 40 laughs. Brynn, 40--
I’m managing expectations.
Very smooth.
-40 laughs. - Brynn: Please tell me they serve alcohol at this place.
Val: Well, they better.
Ooh.
You’re going in on the restaurant, aren’t you?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
I think it would be a great opportunity
for us-- for all of us.
Well, I couldn’t have talked you out of it anyway.
But in this case,
I think you’re out of your league.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is why you never date a pediatrician.
My time is up. Thanks, everyone.
Everybody give it up for Chet Chaney, man.
Come on, one more round of applause for Chet Chaney.
I hate this guy. Hate him.
Is this the guy that Tammy--
I thought you were over her.
Oh, I don’t care about Tammy. It’s Dale.
He was my little guy,
and we were gonna raise him together,
and now because she doesn’t want me anymore,
I gotta deal with the fact that this guy
is gonna be the one tucking him in at night,
that he’s gonna be the one that looks at him as a father?
It’s too much, man. It’s too much.
Come on. So you ready for this next comic?
Dale was your dog, right?
Labradoodle.
I think I just got the light. I’m, uh--
- let’s go do this. - Okay.
- Break a leg. - Brynn: How is Mac funny?
I mean, I’ve not seen him funny one time.
- I don’t get it. - Hmm.
Uh-oh.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
Do you think I’m out of my league?
With the restaurant, I mean?
Oh, honey. You’re in the majors,
and the rest of us are just playing intramural field hockey.
( feet tapping ) When you say things like that, I could just kiss you.
Oh, well, at least wait till I get to the bar
so I can get some free drinks out of it.
- Oh. - ( chuckles )
Emcee: But, um, this guy
is nowhere near as funny as the last dude,
but, hey, he’s here, so everybody give a--
a small clap for... Mac Brown.
( applause )
Uh, it’s a pleasure to be here.
You almost missed Mac.
The first thing I noticed as I look around the room is we have ladies here.
I just like to take a moment up front and apologize to the ladies.
Ladies, I’m sorry I’m not better-looking.
I wish I was a really good-looking guy. I would take my shirt off,
-dance around. You’d all be very excited. - ( applause )
I had a conversation with this girl once.
’Cause I found out when she was in college,
she spent a semester in Ireland.
I said to this girl, "When you were in Ireland,
were you with a lot of guys?"
And her answer was, "Don’t worry about it."
And that is not a very good answer.
That is not what you want to hear.
Because women have a particular kind of math
when it comes to hooking up, right?
If she says "two," it probably means five.
If she says "five," it probably means 10.
And if she says "Don’t worry about it,"
it means they’re singing folk songs about her.
- ( laughter ) -In Ireland, as we speak--
There is a statue of her in Dublin
the boys touch for good luck when they turn 13.
( cheering )
Anyway...
I try to date, you know. I date a lot.
Okay, not a lot, but I try to...
( scanner humming )
Doctor: Four to six months,
you can expect the first signs to show,
usually, uh, tremors in the hands and feet,
then a relatively quick decline in motor skills,
followed by agnosia, or the loss of ability
to recognize people, places, words, et cetera.
Now, the usual course of action would be to operate,
but, um...
the particular placement being what it is,
I’m afraid surgery is not an option, Mr. Bishop.
How much time?
It’s hard to predict with tumors.
How much time?
Nine months, a year at most.
Ahem.
Well, then I’ll have my nurse schedule
your first round of chemotherapy for tomorrow.
Tomorrow... tomorrow?
We need to begin as soon as possible.
In the meantime, I’d like to talk about your diet.
Uh, not insofar as how it’ll affect your prognosis,
but rather how it’ll help you tolerate the chemotherapy.
( knock on door )
Since when do you knock?
Tom...
What are you doing, Mac?
All right, I knew this wasn’t for me.
"Passages of the Heart."
Guy at the bookstore said it is the best
"your-friend-is-dying" book for under $10.
( laughs )
I-I’m sorry. I was-- I was just trying to help.
I know.
Seriously, though, how are you?
I’m fine.
How’s Val?
She doesn’t know, not yet.
Okay, not yet,
as in you’re waiting to see if there’s a cure?
There’s no cure.
All right, listen, Tom, I am the last guy
who should be giving out advice.
I mean, I spend $200 a month on comic books.
But you gotta tell her.
No, not yet.
The second Val finds out about this,
this whole thing becomes emotional,
and I don’t have time for emotion. Not now.
I have a plan.
And I need to stay focused on that right now.
So I was thinking about our conversation
the other night-- about Dale.
- My dog? - Someday soon, I will be...
- Tom-- - ...gone.
- Tom-- - And when I am,
Valentine is gonna look for someone new.
And that person is going to become...
Phoebe’s dad.
He’s going to have breakfast at my kitchen table,
and sleep in my bed,
and watch my little girl grow up.
He’s going to teach her how to drive a car.
She doesn’t even know how to ride a bike yet.
I’m not gonna be here for that.
There are a thousand of those things
that I am not gonna get a chance to see.
I don’t know how to face this,
knowing that the person who might become her dad
isn’t good enough.
I need to have a say in who raises my daughter.
Tom, I’m-- I’m honored.
I mean, listen, I always thought Val was hot,
so that’s not gonna be a problem,
but for you to think I’d be a good father for Phoebe,
- I mean, I just-- - Not you.
Fair enough.
I’m going to find my own replacement.
Is this what your meeting was about today?
-Because if so... - No, no.
This is just something Mac came up with.
Yeah, right, it was my idea.
You know, it’s, uh, funny.
It’s for my YouTube channel.
So, okay, let me get this straight.
You want to put pictures of me
-on Singles.net? - Mm-hmm.
And then when guys come...
- Then Mac jumps out and-- - Filming. I film.
Yeah, the whole thing’s being filmed,
- like "Candid Camera" or one of those-- - Yeah, hilar--
- it’ll be hilarious. - It’s supposed to be funny.
We haven’t figured out all-- the ending of it--
There’s things, but I’ll be funny.
Okay...
you’re not gonna use any of the vacation photos?
What? No.
No.
Okay. Well, then... pftt...
...cool. I mean, do what you want.
I mean, nobody watches that stupid channel anyway.
- No offense. - None taken.
Ahem.
You know, this whole thing isn’t like you...
like, at all.
Sometimes people change.
Mm-hmm. Not usually.
Mac: All right. Singles.net.
Gonna need name. Valen--
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa. What, are you nuts?
Don’t use her real name.
All right, fine.
An alias, give me an alias.
Um...
I like Nina,
Nina Blair.
Nina. Okay. It’s a sexy spy name.
That works. Nina Blair.
Okay, pic. Need a picture.
Okay, here.
Another one...
- Uh... - Okay, look.
Here, this one. Right there.
Not a chance. No.
Look how much skin she’s showing.
Too much skin? Tom, I’ve seen
Amish women in less than that.
They’re gonna want to see what she looks like, okay?
They’re dudes.
- Fine, fine. Use that one. - Okay. All right.
Oh, and one more thing before I forget--
this is a stupid idea!
Now, interests.
( keyboard clicking )
( birds chirping )
That’s just something stupid Lexi left.
Oh, yeah? Did Lexi do this, too?
That’s what I thought.
Ready to go pick out breakfast?
Yeah.
- Tom: Well? - Phoebe: Not yet.
That one...
looks like pancakes.
Really?
I see oatmeal.
Nope. It’s pancakes
with chocolate chips.
( chuckles )
Those are huge chocolate chips.
( rattling )
It’s not science, Daddy.
- It’s cooking. - I know.
Mommy doesn’t measure.
She doesn’t give you chocolate chips
while she’s doing it either.
Sugar is her secret ingredient.
Oh, yeah? You talk to Mom a lot.
Does she ever tell you about things that she likes?
Like, I don’t know--
books or TV-- outside stuff?
Are you making a "hot list"?
What is that?
It’s from the magazine.
A hot list is a list of things that someone thinks is hot.
It’s really cool. Hanson Carter thinks
Xbox, snowboarding, and Iron Man are hot.
Yeah, okay.
So if I was making a "hot list" for Mom,
what do you think might be on it?
I don’t know. Ask Mom. Duh.
( chuckles )
Esteban, you know I don’t like
the word no for an answer!
Well, then let me say it again in Spanish. No!
Ha, that’s clever. Um, what if I told you
that we had Val Bishop on board?
I’d ask if you got her drunk.
I am totally sober, Esteban.
Esteban, come on, please!
Just take one chance in your life.
( sighs )
My wife’s gonna kill me.
Um, Esteban, I think you made a very wise decision,
and Val and I will not let you down,
and we are super excited,
and we’ll send you paperwork tomorrow,
and I’m gonna get off the phone now
before you change your mind. Bye. Thank you.
- ( phone beeps ) - What?!
I’m sweating.
- You’re sweating? - Yes.
You’re sweating because you’re nervous,
and now we have good news. And this is great news,
because between you and me and Esteban, right,
we’re gonna have the best menu, the best restaurant.
This is gonna be frickin’ amazing.
Now we just have to think of a name.
I thought we decided on, uh... "Michael’s."
Oh, right, right. You were also flying
when you were having that dream, right?
Fair enough. Fair enough. Do we have an opening date?
March.
- March? - Opening month.
We’re gonna miss Valentine’s Day.
Michael, it’s better, because, God, remember
when we used to work at Maury’s?
Oh, yeah, Maury. He would say that "V-Day was like D-Day..."
( together ) "Only vurse!"
- That’s right. - Yeah.
So, you know, it’s too crazy.
Plus, you know, as Tom says,
Valentine’s Day is just a "made-up holiday
so lesser artists can sell greeting cards."
( whistles ) What a romantic.
I truly believe that this place is gonna be so much better,
and I also think that I’m the luckiest guy in the world
to have you as a partner to do this with.
You. Oh, I--
- I feel the same way. - Good.
Um, I gotta go.
( sighs, squeals )
Ooh.
All right.
- Bye. - Bye.
( distant siren wails )
( voices overlapping )
( speaking faintly )
( sighs )
When I said we needed chairs for the restaurant...
- Spring-loaded. - Yes, it is. Okay.
Let’s, uh, go back to the warehouse,
and we will start all over. Cool?
You got it, man.
Hey, Tom.
- Hey, it’s Michael, right? - That’s right,
and you got it on the first try this time.
- ( chuckles ) - ( laughs )
She’s in the back. Follow me.
( speaking Spanish ) Si, pero...
uh,?tienes... gluten-free flour?
-Veinticinco pounds. - Val, someone’s here to see you.
I don’t-- I’m all out of my Spanish.
I don’t know if I’m getting a discount or buying his boat.
Yeah, it’s-- it’s Tom.
Si, but...
necesito veinte cajas de tomates
y diez cajas de lechuga...
- See you, Tom. - Hey, you, too.
pero organic,por favor.
Uh, cebollas tambien.
Okay?
Gracias.
Okay. Gracias. Bye.
- Hey! - Hey.
What are you doing here?
I just realized today that I haven’t
visited you at work in a while.
Ever.
Right.
So I figured I’d stop by and say hello.
Is everything okay?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
I thought maybe we could go
grab a cup of coffee.
Talk.
Coffee?
Yeah.
So...
how is work coming?
You made any progress on the painting?
I haven’t really thought about it all that much.
- Hmm. - What about you?
How’s-- how’s the restaurant coming?
It’s good.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Um, okay.
How is it good?
It’s... fine.
I mean, I like it-- I like it.
I don’t--
I’m trying to... catch up with you,
and I don’t-- apparently, I don’t know how to do it.
Okay. Well, um...
what would you like to talk about?
- ( clatters ) - Oh, fiddlesticks.
No idea.
- ( groans ) - Just leave it.
So how’s that fake dating project with Mac going?
Um...
it’s progressing slowly. It’s Mac.
- Mm-hmm. - So...
still working on it.
Sounds painful.
It has its moments.
Hmm.
( sighs )
"Fiddlesticks"?
- ( both laugh ) - Val: It...
- You said that. - Yeah.
( both laugh )
- Fiddlesticks? - Yeah.
( laughter on TV )
- TV host: So was it crazy... - ( sighs )
Man on TV: Things, you know, don’t change in that department, uh...
( host laughs ) Your wife is--
your wife’s gonna be listening to this.
-My wife appreciates the fact... - 104?
104 winks in an hour.
Come on. Let’s make our picks.
Tom, I-- I can’t-- I’m working.
What? This is how comedians work.
Think I want to eat pizza and watch TV?
TV host: Yeah, any stalkers? Anybody...
All right, fine. I needed a break anyway.
- Ahem. - Let’s go.
( snickers )
( laughing ) Sorry.
Oh, you’re lucky you had a clip-on at our wedding.
Yeah.
And you’re lucky that Phoebe and Lexi
gave me a 10-minute sleepover mommy break.
- ( sighs ) - Ooh...
You really going through with this?
It seems like a fun idea.
See, that’s what I mean.
That is not the Tom I know.
You never dress up for me,
and Mac asks you to,
and suddenly you’re Dapper Dan.
Something up?
What do you mean?
I don’t know.
I’m not sure what’s really going on,
but, um...
sometimes when people drift apart, uh...
sometimes when people drift apart,
the distance isn’t as big as you imagine it to be.
Did we drift apart?
Little bit.
But I like this.
I like that you’re interested in me all of a sudden.
I like that we went to coffee, but I--
I like that you like it.
Why do I get the feeling like you’re hiding something?
Something really bad.
Val...
This one’s new.
- Hmm? - This.
Uh, no.
Phoebe gave it to me last Mother’s Day.
It’s a paintbrush.
"So you’ll always have Daddy around."
( sighs )
Tom.
Hmm?
Everything’s under control, Val, like always.
I have to go.
( music playing )
- Oh, hey, here he is. - All right.
( phone camera chimes )
What are you doing? You’re actually gonna film this?
Go get him, tiger. Make this happen.
- Man: Hey. - Hey
Can I get a bourbon neat?
Just well is fine.
( sighs )
Thank you.
Excuse me. I’m saving that for somebody.
I know.
Nina, right?
You’re Dan, and...
you’re here to meet Nina.
And this is what I get for trying new things--
- lunatics. - No, no, no, no.
Listen, I’m Nina.
Just back away.
Whoa. Obviously, I’m not Nina.
I mean, Nina isn’t even Nina. Nina is Valentine.
- Get out of my way. - Hang on, please, please.
Listen. I’m not some freaky, weird guy here.
- Just hear me out, okay, Dan? - Mm-hmm.
- My name is Tom. - Mm-hmm.
Valentine is my wife,
and I think you might be perfect for her.
( grunts )
( groans )
Okay.
Believe it or not, this is the best date
I’ve ever been on from Singles.net.
Stop that.
- And cut. -( phone chimes )
Want to see the-- want to see the punch?
- I don’t want to see the punch. - Slow motion.
You deserved it.
Mac: Chemo? Really?
Why did you think doing this by yourself was a good idea?
All right? Do you know how dumb you have to be
for me to be the responsible one, Tom?
Monumentally dumb!
That’s how dumb you have to be.
Val should be there with you, okay?
I need to spend more time with her.
Okay, good, okay. This is what I’m saying, yes--
So I can find better matches on Singles.net.
You’re still a lunatic.
Gotta get the profile perfect, Mac.
She’s at the park right now with Phoebe.
Listen, Tom, I did two semesters
of psychology at Trenton State, okay?
This is what we call "classic avoidance."
I am not taking you to the park.
Brynn is with them.
I’ll be honest, Val.
It all sounds suspicious.
Yeah, I was worried you’d say that.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Honestly...
this is gonna sound weird,
but as big as the pit is
in my stomach right now,
I’m actually enjoying him.
Is that weird?
Well, then I guess you’ll just have to decide.
Are you waiting on a bad surprise or a good surprise?
( sighs )
Daddy! Daddy!
So we-- we asked the park ranger
where the prettiest flowers were,
and he said it was you guys-- girls.
Thought you had a meeting.
- Huh? - Meeting.
With Biron.
Oh, right. Yeah, he had to cancel.
Daddy, come play with me on the playground.
Uh, Daddy’s feeling a little tired, baby.
I’ll be over in a few minutes.
I’ll play with you, Pheebs.
Well, are you coming or not?
So you gotta show ’em how it’s done.
He’s really bad. He’s really...
- Mac: I’m not bad. - All right, all right.
You okay?
Yeah.
You don’t look so good.
Oh, God-- are you smoking again?
No, no. I’m not smoking again.
Just-- I’m just tired, is all.
Okay.
Still haven’t taken down that awful fence.
Oh, that’s right. That’s right.
This is "the most aesthetically
unappealing park in Los Angeles."
Just because you say it that way
doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
What are you doing here?
Do you remember in college
when you were on the all-girls bowling team?
Yeah.
Well, whatever happened to that?
( chuckles )
( laughs ) Do you still bowl?
Have you seen me bowl lately?
We should bowl.
- We should bowl? - Mm-hmm.
Let’s go bowling.
Tom: Now I see why you quit bowling.
You stink.
But I’m winning,
so that means you stink...
More than you do. But these are-- these are artist’s hands.
They’re not meant for bowling.
Oh, no. ( groans )
All right, last frame. ( claps )
- Last chance for glory. - Okay.
Do something special, Val.
( Tom gasps )
- Ah! - Whoo!
( laughs ) Nice!
Now that is more like it.
- Okay. - Thank you.
You bowl one more strike,
I have to make out with you when we get to the car.
And if I don’t bowl a strike?
You--
Never mind.
I love bowling all of a sudden.
Dang.
Looks like I’m buying pizza, huh?
Not while we’re bowling.
What’s the matter with you? Greases up the fingers.
Move.
So, Glen, what else do you do besides bowling?
Oh, you want to chat a little bit,
share our feelings? Is that what you want to do?
Because I’m here to bowl, okay?
I let you talk me into this date.
I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let you ruin my bowling.
Step over there.
Further. You’re all up on my back.
Get-- sit down. Sit down.
d Dusting off the sun in my eyes d
d Drifting in warm, blue skies d
d Well, I’m... d
d A million miles away...
Whoa--! ( laughs )
Okay, that was funny. Really funny.
( silent )
Tom, listen.
"Winelover61" is officially...
20 minutes late.
He’s not gonna make the tasting.
Take me to the wine tasting.
I drink the wine for free.
-It’s not a date. - Mm-mm.
It’s just me drinking wine.
It’s not that big a deal.
- Tom. - ( sighs )
Biron: Hey.
Tom?
Where’s he going?
Hey, uh, you know where I can get some condoms around here?
You look nothing like your picture.
43? Really?
That’s the age you go with?
d So show me where your love is d
Is "yoga" Greek for difficult?
It’s Greek for "you’re a baby."
Down. Sink lower.
Oh... no, thank you. ( laughs )
You are smoking again, aren’t you?
Not smoking, just old.
All right.
Got an easy one for you, "old man."
Chair pose. Plant your feet, sit into it.
Up. Hands up.
Chair pose is good.
d A million miles away
d So show me where your love is... d
You know, we’re all dying.
Your speech was moving,
but, dude, imagine the dinosaurs.
Yoga one day, extinct the next.
- Dinosaurs doing yoga? -Exactly.
They weren’t promised tomorrow.
Neither were we.
What is the best way to make God laugh, Tom?
What?
Best way to make God laugh is to make a plan.
That said,
your wife is smoking crazy hot,
so if your offer is a real one, you can--
you can tell her she just found
a brand-new downward-facing dog.
I don’t think Cindy ever really even loved him.
I think she was just doing it for the publicity.
Daddy, you always think the worst.
Maybe it just didn’t work out.
Maybe.
Didn’t work out with who?
Who are you talking about?
- Hanson... - Carter.
- Tom, Phoebe: Duh. - Val: Oh.
You know what? Why don’t you just ask him yourself?
Right. When would I ever get to meet Hanson?
Well, his mall tour starts next week
at our mall...
on Valentine’s Day...
and you’re going!
What?! ( laughing )
( whispers ) What?
I read about it in "Teen Scene."
- "Teen Scene"? -Yes.
Oh, my God!
- I have to go call Lexi. - Okay!
- Phoebe: Yeah! - Tom: Go call Lexi.
-Daddy, thank you! - You’re welcome!
( silent )
Wow.
Good, right?
Eh, pretty good.
We should-- what?
Huh? What’s...
- What...? - Okay, hear me out.
I know you hate Valentine’s Day
because of your name and--
It’s not because of my name.
You try making 900 orders of tortellini in two hours.
But can I at least get you to agree
to go on a date with me on the 14th?
Phoebe’s gonna be at the concert.
I talked to Brynn. She’s gonna take her,
which gives us the night.
( thunder rumbling )
You never want to do anything.
Neither do you.
You want to take me out for Valentine’s Day?
Mm-hmm.
I’m not gonna lie. I am confused, but...
I am going with it.
How do you do that?
Do what?
Let yourself be carried away by life like that?
I don’t know.
Do you ever get tired
of paddling against the current?
You stop paddling, you drown.
I’m breathing just fine.
Yeah.
I do get tired sometimes.
I wish I didn’t have to be that way.
You don’t.
You could talk to me.
Talk to me.
- Yeah... -( knocking on door )
Ahem.
( knocking on door )
- Michael. - Tom.
- Val: Mike? - Hey, come in. Come on.
Thanks.
Whew.
Oh, my God. Is something wrong?
Oh, no. No, no. Um...
you left your phone at the restaurant,
so I just didn’t want you to worry.
I put Saran Wrap on it.
Mike, I could have gone a day without my phone.
Or just use the Find My iPhone app.
The-- come on, Val. It was in the manual.
We can track our phones.
Ah-choo!
Did you drive down here with the top open?
Um-- ah-choo!
Mm.
Top’s broken.
Mike.
- Thank you. - Just--
It’s no problem.
I just didn’t want you to worry
and you needed it and then an accident happened
and you didn’t have it or something, so...
I, uh...
just...
Okay, I’m gonna go back to the restaurant.
- I’ll drive you. - No, I’m good. It’s-- it’s letting up.
( thunder rumbles )
Yeah.
Okay...
this is the point in the date
where I like to give the speech.
"I would like to introduce you to my wife.
She is young,
she’s beautiful,
and pretty soon,
she’s going to be a widow.
I haven’t told her this yet,
but every doctor that I have talked to
has told me the same thing--
nine months to a year.
And when that happens,
Valentine is going to be alone.
You’re dying? You’re dying.
( sighs )
Man, I’m so sorry.
Do you like her?
Do I like your wife?
Sure.
I mean, we get along great at work.
She’s terrific.
I mean, she’s a genius.
Really, this restaurant’s just gonna...
( whistles ) take off, but...
Yeah, I like her, Tom.
She’s the whole package, but you know that.
That’s why you married her.
We’re friends. I mean...
maybe under different circumstances--
Wait. How would you want to meet her
under "different circumstances"?
If I said yes, which I’m not,
how would this work?
You, me, and Val would spend time together,
and I would watch the two of you together,
and if it felt right...
then I would introduce you to Phoebe.
And if my baby girl thinks
you’re the best thing since Hanson Carter,
- then... - Then what?
( laughs )
Then you would just hand over the keys to your house?
Then I would tell Val...
how I feel-- tell her that I like you,
plant the seeds.
Whew. Okay.
What about Val?
- Does she know about any of this? - No.
She doesn’t, and I would like to keep it that way,
- even after. - This is so out there, Tom.
I mean, I’m truly sorry for your situation,
I am, but...
this has "disaster" written all over it.
Let me show you something.
You film me one more time...
- ( Tom laughs ) - No, okay.
Um, uh, okay!
- Phoebe: You ready? -We’re ready.
Val: No, no. On the count of three!
- Tom: Okay. - Val: Okay.
Val, Tom: 1, 2, 3.
Val: d Here comes the bride
d All dressed in white... d
Val’s wedding dress.
( humming )
Phoebe wanted to feel like a bride.
Val: Let me see your shoes and the veil.
( both humming )
( mock British accent ) Oh, perfect, darling.
Oh, gorgeous.
Daddy, put the camera down.
You have to give me away.
I had to stop, because...
I’m never gonna see that.
Michael...
the thing that I have figured out from all this
is if you have a chance
to love somebody,
you gotta take it...
and hold on to it.
You can’t take it for granted.
Don’t tell me you don’t want this,
because you’ll live to regret it or worse.
( sighs )
So how do we do this?
- Tom: Welcome to the dream date. -( laughter )
- Tom: You heard it. - Val: All right.
- What’s up, Mac? - Mike: What you got?
- Tom: Anytime. - This is killing me.
- Hmm. - Brynn: Babe...
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Not great at all.
So you guys do this every Friday night?
Yeah.
Really? That’s cool. Thank you for inviting me.
Thanks for coming, man.
- You’re up. - I’m up.
I’m up.
Oh, I got this.
Bear with me.
Val: What?
Brynn: Oh.
-What? - "Zizivah."
- "Zizivah"? -It’s a type of weevil.
A weevil’s a kind of beetle.
There are kinds of beetles?
Yeah.
Tom: And you know this?
I can’t even count that high.
This actually reminds me
of Esteban trying to cut an onion.
"Valentine..."
"Valentine, I think I cut my thumb off again."
( laughter )
That’s actually funny.
You know, if you cursed more,
I think you could open for me.
Thanks, man.
- Who’s Esteban? - Val: He’s--
He does it a lot.
Esteban is great at start-ups,
bad at slicing.
Okay. Your turn.
( Val groans )
( Mike speaking faintly )
I learned this. It’s called the slide.
You learn well. That is perfect.
Mike: Pretty, right?
( rattling )
Mike: No, you didn’t!
( laughter )
- Mike: Terrible. - Val: Terrible.
Hey.
Hi. Hi. You scared me.
We got it.
We got this. Come on. I’ll walk you out.
- All right. - Okay.
Um, thank you for a lovely evening,
- and I’ll see you Monday. - Thank you.
- I had fun. This was fun. - Me, too.
Okay. Bye.
You were so right! I just had to loosen up
and-- and be myself and try not to think
about how weird this whole thing is
so I can actually have a good time.
She’s not yours yet.
Excuse me?
She’s still my wife.
I know. I was just saying--
No, I’m just saying that as long as I’m still alive,
you keep things respectful, okay?
You know, I-- I don’t get you.
You talk me into this thing,
and then when it goes the way that you want,
you all of a sudden can’t handle it.
I can handle it fine. I just don’t want you to--
You don’t want what? You don’t want what?
You don’t want me beating you at Scrabble,
cleaning up bottles?
Tom, you have--
you have such a wonderful wife.
Yeah, I know how great she is.
Do you? Do you know how great she is?
Listen...
you either want this, or you don’t, okay?
If you want to stop this, then I’ll respect you,
but you need to make your mind up, damn it.
’Cause every moment that I spend with her,
I’m greedy for another.
( car door slams )
( engine starts )
Michael, wait up a second.
( waves crashing )
I can’t believe I’m out with my guy on Valentine’s Day.
- Mm-hmm. - Nice.
Mm-hmm.
Where are we?
I found this great, little out-of-the-way place.
It’s brand-new, was supposed to be closed,
but I have an in with the owners, so...
Oh, Tom, the chefs and the waiters and--
Ah, they were more than happy to do it. Trust me.
Hm... what’s the name of it?
( chuckles )
You really have no sense of direction.
What am I supposed-- am I supposed to know where I am right now?
Here.
What is--? What?
- This is your gift. - I don’t understand.
( clicks )
( gasps ) I...
Biron represents a glassblower who needed the money.
It was kind of a last-minute thing.
Michael and I rigged it up this morning.
If you want to change the font or any part of it, we can--
It’s-- it’s perfect.
Michael-- did you talk to Mike?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
He thought it was a great idea.
- Really great guy. - Yeah.
I really like him a lot.
But enough about him or anybody else.
Tonight is about you and me,
so close your eyes.
- I’m nervous. - ( chuckles )
Oh, my God, I can’t believe you did that.
- Keep your eyes closed. - Okay.
Eyes closed.
( giggles )
- Okay, you ready? - Wait, I don’t know.
- Um... okay. - Open ’em.
Val: Oh, my God. When did you...?
Michael and I put the finishing touches on it.
( French accent ) Ah, a seat for madame?
( laughs ) What?
Mm, thank you.
You’re welcome.
That is the worst--
that is the worst French accent I’ve ever heard.
I am sure I don’t know what you are talking about.
I was born in Paree.
Oh,je suis desole, monsieur.
Huh. ( grumbles )
How do you say... "show-off"?
I don’t know. ( laughs )
Well, I already know who our waiter is.
Who’s our chef?
You’re looking at him.
Oh, yeah?
I searched high and low
through all the finest food stores
in Los Angeles to find this.
Oh, my G-- That’s impressive. That’s the good stuff.
I even learned how to boil water.
- Oh, my. - Here goes nothing.
Okay.
If you hear screaming...
Don’t hurt yourself.
( music playing )
d If there’s one thing I’d do d
d I’d love you forever... d
( laughs )
Whoa.
( groans )
Hey, you okay?
Mm-hmm. ( grunts )
Brain freeze.
( laughs )
Well, I can-- I can help you with that.
d That would quench the feelings d
d That I have for you...
( Val moaning )
Phoebe won’t be home for an hour.
Not till-- not till morning.
I texted Brynn from the restaurant.
- Yeah? God, I love you. - ( laughs )
( rips )
- Whoa. - ( laughs )
( Val laughing )
( sighs )
( sobbing softly )
Hey.
- ( sobbing ) - Oh, my God.
Babe.
What’s wrong?
Hey, talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.
Hey, you’re scaring me.
( gasping )
Tom, you’re scaring me.
Val: Maybe there’s another specialist.
- No. - ( sobbing )
( whispers ) I just want to tell you to wait.
Wait. I don’t want you to go.
Val: Why did you keep this from me?
It was a mistake.
How are we gonna tell her?
( sniffles )
We’ll figure something out.
( sighs, coughs )
( panting )
( thumps )
( bangs )
( coughing )
( hacking )
( panting )
( chuckles )
( clicking )
( birds chirping )
That one looks like a watermelon.
Hey, baby girl...
Okay, maybe an egg.
It’s early, Daddy.
Hey, do you remember when Rufus got sick?
Daddy,
are you trying to make me cry?
He got sick...
and we had to drive him to the vet
and put him to sleep.
But it wasn’t anyone’s fault.
Sometimes, things like that just happen...
no matter how much we wish that it didn’t.
I know that. Daddy, what are you--
Baby, I’m gonna be your daddy forever.
And if you ever get scared...
or lonely...
you can look up at these clouds and you can find me there.
Daddy, I don’t understand.
It’s okay. You don’t have to. Not now.
Then why are you crying?
Because I’m thinking about...
( Tom sighs )
...ice cream.
That’s what I see up there. Do you see it?
For breakfast?
Why the hell not, kiddo?
Come on. Let’s go jump in the car
before Mommy wakes up and spoils our plan.
( faint whirring )
( birds chirping )
- Wow. - Tom: Yum!
Took you long enough.
Your text said early.
What kind of ice cream truck
makes its rounds at 7:00 a.m.?
The kind you pay a lot of money to.
What’s your flavor?
Uh, pralines and cream.
Dumb it down a little. Ice cream truck.
- Chocolate? - Good.
Michael, this is Phoebe.
Phoebe, this is Michael.
Hey, Pheebs.
How do you know my nickname?
Because I can read minds.
No, you can’t.
How do you know that I can’t?
Your head would be bigger.
( chuckles )
- Fair enough. - Tom: Let’s go.
- Mike: You’re eight? - Yeah.
Oh, cool.
- What’s your favorite class? - I don’t have one.
- You don’t have a favorite class? - No.
You know what mine was? Calculus.
Phoebe: Huh? What’s that?
( silent )
Radio DJ: Hey, we’ve been promising it all week,
and now here it is, kids. Star 98.7
has the L.A. premiere of the new
Hanson Carter single, "You’ll Always Be My Girl."
Phoebe!
Phoe--
( winces )
( silent )
( winces )
Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine.
I just-- I got a little dizzy. I’m good.
- Do you need a doctor? - No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Last time I went to a doctor, they told me I was dying.
That was a joke.
Heh. Just a joke.
You’re gonna take care of her, right?
Right?
Yeah, Tom.
Promise me.
( sighs )
Tom, what are you doing?
Promise me that no matter what happens,
you’re going to follow through...
that you’re the guy.
I need to know that you’re the guy.
Tom, I don’t know that anybody can make that promise.
But I will tell you that I’ll try my best.
Fair enough, Michael.
Drive her home for me, okay?
Okay.
Recording: Hi. It’s Tom Bishop. I can’t take your call.
Please leave a message, and I will call you back.
( remote beeps )
Where’s Tom?
- We just left him-- - Where, Michael? Where?
At the park.
Listen. Listen.
Okay, listen.
Come here. Okay.
Listen, Uncle Mac is coming from Aunt Brynn’s house.
Ooh. Are they going out now?
Phoebe, focus! Okay, I want you to go inside.
I don’t want you to open up the door
for anyone else except Mac, okay?
- Mm-hmm. - Do you understand?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I’m so sorry, Val. I heard he’s--
Why were you even together?
- He asked me for help. - Help with what?
It’s-- it’s complicated.
Yeah, uncomplicate it for me, Michael.
- Does he have his phone? - Yes, of course he has his phone.
All right, let’s go. Track his phone.
He told me why he did it, Val, and...
it makes sense.
Go home, Michael.
( Val screaming ) Tom!
You shouldn’t be here!
You selfish, selfish son of a bitch!
He told you?
- I am your wife! - I know! I know.
All of this has been for you and Phoebe.
I am not some puppy
you could just give away to someone
when you think they need a better home!
- I am your wife! - I know! I know!
I’m trying to do what is best for you.
Look. Take a close look,
because this is just the beginning.
Val, this is just the beginning.
It’s gonna get so much worse.
I don’t want you to see me like that.
You don’t get to tell us what we want!
What was this, the-- the lone martyr
walks out into the ocean to die? You kidding me?
You want to choose how you die?
Here’s your choice.
You come home, and you stay with me and Phoebe
and your friends and your family...
and the people who love you...
remembering the amazing life that we have.
Or you can die right here.
I’m not gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself.
Val!
I don’t know what to do.
( sobs ) I don’t know what to do.
Shh. Shh.
I’m sorry.
( sobbing ) I’m so sorry.
How did we get here?
You’re a control freak.
Right.
And you’re lucky Michael’s good with words.
If he hadn’t explained everything so well,
I would have killed you myself.
He’s good with words, is he?
He’s excellent with words.
- Huh. - He’s excellent.
And model handsome.
I mean, you have really good taste in men.
You could set me up anytime.
Okay, okay. Enough.
Don’t ever try anything stupid like that again.
You still love me?
( sighs )
Loving you was never the problem.
I like you.
I like you very much.
I like you, too.
You can’t let go.
Do I look like somebody who would let go of you?
Michael!
- Oh! - Mac: That is hurtful.
That’s a hurt-- that’s a hurtful thing to do.
- Sorry. - Doesn’t trust me.
It takes a while. It’s okay.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Don’t push her if she’s not ready.
She’s ready.
You’re ready, right?
( whimpers ) Uh-uh.
Michael: Two...three...
- Here we go. - Mm-hmm.
- Don’t let go! Don’t let go! - Come on, you got it.
No, don’t-- okay, okay, okay!
( all cheering )
Whoo, Phoebe!
Val: Oh, my God!
Daddy, I’m doing it! I’m doing it!