I think your bookkeeper paid for the flatware twice.
Albert, stop.
I can't do this anymore.
Mollie, I love you, and you love me. I know you do.
Of course I do. You're a wonderful father.
You're great in bed and my biggest account.
But you're married.
I will never fall in love with anyone else when I'm seeing you.
You should just work with a different accountant.
You know I'm leaving Beth.
It just takes time.
We talked about it this weekend.
Every time I say the word "divorce," she loses five pounds.
I'm sorry she's bulimic.
I cannot spend my life waiting for you.
It'll work soon.
Her doctor prescribed mood elevators...
and she's starting ballet classes.
It'll probably be just like the playwriting.
No, she's committing to something she knows can't make her fat.
She said, when she was writing, she felt her ass spreading.
She's insane. She's got a great behind for a 40 year old.
I'm telling Mr. Ross to give you to someone else.
I won't let him. I'll never let anyone else touch my books.
Oh, God, Mollie...
I'm gonna burst if you don't kiss me soon.
Follow me. I know where I'm going.
I've got the map. Come on! Right down here. Yeah, come on.
Here we go. Okay, come on!
Keep up. Come on, you kids! Here we go! Here we go!
There it is. Wait a minute. I see something.
I think I see something. Come on ! Here it is!
I think this is it, right over here.
Yeah, this is definitely it. This is the place. Come on !
Whoa, jackpot!
Come on, right down here. Here we go!
Come on, dig in, you kids!
Here we go! Whoa, kinda tough here.
I'm in! Whoa!
Are you okay?
- I broke up with George last night. - Who?
Met him in Joe Allen's.
I thought to myself, "I don't want to spend my life with someone stupid."
You look lousy, doll.
I'm trying to kick that stomach flu that's been going around.
What stomach flu? Nobody has the stomach flu.
- They don't? - Nobody's sick.
Wanna hear the good news about Albert?
Listen to what I have to say--
- Listen to me. - I am.
Remember, Albert's shrink said Beth wouldn't improve if he kept seeing me?
- A million times. - He's decided to leave her.
Albert's leaving his wife?
No, he's leaving his shrink.
It's a good thing, because she was becoming an obstacle with us.
Who cares if he leaves his shrink? He's supposed to leave his wife.
He's going to. He just can't leave her while she's sick.
- What's wrong with her? - She's bulimic.
Don't give me that look.
It's a very serious disease.
What in the--
Wait a minute. I got two of these things.
Look at that. They match.
God, you ate all that already?
It's weird. I don't like ice cream. There he is.
This is so sick.
Look how sweet he looks with the kids.
If only Beth would stop throwing up.
Miss Popularity, here...
how do you expect to find a husband if you never go out?
- I go out. - Sure.
- I can call you any night, you're in. - Ma, it's tax season.
I know it's tax season.
I was studying to pass the C.P.A. exam when there were few women accountants...
and I still dressed nicely to catch your father.
What would you have done if Daddy was married when you first met him?
I wouldn't have fallen in love with him.
You can't control that.
- Why not? - You just can't.
Listen, take your father here.
What's his favorite food? Cheesecake.
- What did the doctor tell him? - Cut back on cholesterol.
Now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same thing.
That doesn't make any sense.
- You never used to like my food. - I still don't.
- Something's wrong. Louie-- - I'm just hungry. Nothing's wrong.
- Something's wrong. - I didn't eat breakfast. I'm fine.
Something's wrong.
I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy?
This wasn't even a planned affair.
Well, let's see how far along we are.
Time out. Holy cow, what was that?
Who's that?
How could this have happened?
How old are you now?
Thirty-three.
Well, remember, your biological clock is ticking.
Beth has finally agreed to a divorce.
Oh, Mollie, I'm so glad you waited.
I knew, if I was patient, this day would come.
Remember, your biological clock is ticking.
Help!
My doctor did say that my biological clock is ticking.
I'm sorry, I already said that.
It's just that, I didn't plan on this.
I'm not asking for anything. I don't want to pressure you or trap you.
It's just that this baby-- It's you and me.
And I'm not getting an abortion.
I wasn't gonna ask you to do that. This'll be an incredible baby.
He'll have your sweet face and my business sense.
We'll get him a toy adding machine and little Armani diapers.
It's gonna be a great kid.
Having my baby What a lovely way to say you love me
You're making me sick. I hate that song.
Albert, I hate--
Please stop singing that song. She gets sick, I get sick.
Say, what're you gonna tell people? I mean, you can't--
Don't worry. I'm gonna tell everybody I got artificially inseminated.
What?
- I thought you'd be happy. - How could you do such a thing?
Easy. I went to the clinic and got some frozen sperm.
I brought it home, defrosted it...
inserted it, and now I'm pregnant.
So that's it? You and the frozen papa are having a baby?
- Ma, it's not a frozen papa. - It's not a husband.
Louie, you hear this?
You told me I could control my life. I decided I wanna have a baby.
I don't understand. You do this if you're very ugly or a lesbian.
This is not the act of a beautiful, intelligent girl...
who could have any man she wants.
You never liked any of my boyfriends anyway.
Where did the sperm come from? I mean, who's the supplier?
A medical student.
- And? - He goes to Columbia.
His parents live on the lsland. His father's in piece goods.
His mother works in cosmetics. She could get you a great discount.
You're making fun of me, huh? Wait, you'll see.
Someday you'll have children.
Oh, look, an arm.
That's an arm.
Aw, look!
Isn't it cute? Look.
This goes there.
No, this goes over here.
And here's his little head.
Isn't that--
Look at you, you, you!
Hey, let's get a little apple juice down here!
- Thirsty? - Go ahead.
'The sex organs are molded out of similar tissue folds.
By the second trimester, one can identify the vulva or penis."
Look at that, another little arm coming in down there.
What's it doing way down there? How am I gonna get that in my mouth?
Miss? Miss, excuse me.
- What can I do for you? - Albert is expecting me.
He's in with his decorator. You can wait over there.
Where am I going?
- I think you're going to enjoy it. - I'm sure I will.
- Just remember to dust it every day. - See you later.
Come on in.
Do you think that that other woman out there's pretty?
No, you're pretty.
No, I look like a big, fat pilgrim.
Hey, how do you like the desk?
It's made from stone from the Yucatan Mountains. Beautiful, isn't it?
- It's all right. - It's gonna be great in here.
The fountain stays, but this is going.
I'm going to have this custom-made mural of an ancient Navajo design.
And this family of leather craftsmen in Mexico is making all new couches.
What do you think?
I liked the Deco stuff.
You know, you shouldn't gain too much weight.
My doctor says my weight is fine.
- Beth only gained 21 pounds. - Gee, you don't say?
She jogged three miles a day until a week before Astrid was born.
- What a champ. You should marry her. - Don't start.
- You're not the only one with problems. - I'm sorry.
I'm afraid of giving birth. I've never been real big on pain.
Have you practiced Lamaze?
- I quit. - You quit?
The whole thing's just breathing.
Give it a chance. It's better for the baby.
- When Beth had Priscilla-- - I'm sick of hearing about Beth!
I can't understand how you could love someone like her, then someone like me.
I have a business degree. She took belly-dancing lessons.
I buy medical insurance. She buys magic crystals.
When I found I was pregnant, I made out a will.
When Beth had the girls, she had a reading of their past lives.
I don't get it. To top it all off, you're still with her!
Oh, yeah?
Look at this receipt.
- "Galleria Apartments." - That's right. I moved out.
- What? - I did it.
I put down a deposit on my own place on 57th.
I can't believe it!
- Should I come by tonight? - You better not.
We gotta be careful for a little while longer.
I'm so happy.
- Does this store have a bathroom? - You went two stores ago.
I know. I have to go again.
I love this.
It takes two to cover me.
- But you're having a baby. - You try it on.
I want a baby. Should I have one with Neil?
You love him?
You should try some Nobel Prize-winner sperm.
Get out of here. Nobel Prize winners ejaculating in jars?
Give it a thought. Don't you want a smart baby?
It's all I need, a baby telling me what an idiot I am...
Iike I don't get enough of that at work.
I'm lucky I found a nice, handsome family man.
Except it's someone else's family.
He left because he's in love with me, and we're having a baby.
- Stop that. - Sounds like those people are.
- Let me explain! - This I gotta hear.
- These dresses haven't been paid for. - I thought you told her.
I'm gonna call the cops if you don't move the dresses back in now.
- Please. - Thank you. After you.
What's going on?
I've fallen in love.
Beth knows all about it. I'm gonna live with Melissa.
I don't know if it'll last or what. It happened, and I had to act on it.
How can this be? Why didn't you say anything?
I didn't want to upset you, so close to the end of your pregnancy.
I don't believe this is happening.
I know this sounds awful, but I'm going through a selfish phase right now.
Selfish phase?
I admit, the timing is bad.
A selfish phase?
I didn't plan it. It just happened.
A selfish phase, you dick!
You stupid shit!
You lousy prick!
My baby!
- Come on. - Here.
Hey, whoa! What the--
Wait, please, I'm in labor.
- I was here first. - Come on, buddy, cut me some slack!
Asshole!
Taxi! Please!
St. Jerome's hospital.
Oh, shit.
You stupid!
Slow down ! The first stage of labor can take hours.
So can midtown traffic.
Why don't you pull over till the 'ludes wear off?
You idiot!
Come on, move!
Fuck. Christ, this traffic.
We're going tast as we can. I can't move the cars.
Just relax.
Hold my hand. Bear down.
- I don't want to. - That's what they say, "Bear down."
Come on, move it!
God, my water just broke!
Whoa. Hey, buddy, move it!
Let's go.
- I've got an emergency. - Two blocks around.
- I've got an emergency! - Sorry, buddy, move it!
Just relax. We're almost there.
Look out!
Hold on.
You stupid son of a--
Oh, God!
- Are you doing Lamaze breathing? - Look out!
Breathe deep.
Don't try to help me! Just drive.
You gotta use Lamaze. It works.
They don't use drugs, and it's better for the kid.
0nly men say stupid things like that, because they're idiots!
Should I call your husband?
- I don't have a husband. - How about your boyfriend?
If you have to know, I was artificially inseminated!
What are you, a lesbo?
Stupid jerk!
My kid will probably be brain damaged because of you!
Don't touch me!
I'll have this baby without you touching me!
- Excuse me, I'm in labor. - Do you have your medical card?
- Your cab's in the loading zone! - I'm loading someone.
- Get it outta here! - This is my first baby.
- We can't admit you without your card. - She's getting close. Get her upstairs.
- No, she didn't finish this. - Get going.
- Hurry up. - I cannot do my job--
The first thing you gotta do is put these things on.
- Put these on over your clothes. - But I'm not the father!
Nurse, another one's coming.
Deep breaths. Come on.
Okay, this'll pass. Watch the head. Wow!
Ow, God!
- I need drugs. - Slow down your breathing.
Fuck my breathing!
Babe, you gotta calm down. I'll have to get the exorcist in here.
Get me some drugs!
You don't want drugs.
I'm gonna split in two.
- Do something. - She's almost fully dilated.
When they take effect, she could be delivering.
- What about now? - The doctor's coming.
I can't do anything without his consent.
Are you a doctor? All right, come on! Come on!
- Water break? - Half an hour ago.
- Dilation? - Five-sixths.
Are we doing Lamaze breathing?
I'm trying, but I dropped out of Lamaze.
I'll go to summer school if you make the pain stop.
How about some Demerol? Take the edge off your contractions.
That'd be great.
I'd like some ot that.
But give me a lot ot it, so it doesn't...
wear off in the middle of the birth.
Give me more than usual, because I'm in more pain than most of your patients.
How long before it kicks in?
- Give me enough that it'll last. - Not long. There we go.
There we go.
Thank you, really, a lot.
That is a little more like it.
There's Mr. Hand here. Wow!
That is very cosmic. I don't understand-- Whoa.
What's that little light down there?
That's it, breathe.
A little more.
That's it.
Push. One more.
Don't push ! Stop with the pushing already!
I'm falling!
Help! Help!
0h, no, put me back in! Put me back in !
Please, buddy, let go and put me back inside!
It's a boy.
- It's a baby. - What's that? Who's that?
Who are you?
Lady, I'm freezing!
Cold, I'm so cold!
Listen, let's be reasonable. Get that thing away from me!
You want to do the cord?
- Don't give that to him! - You take this one.
Let's talk about-- Ow! I need that!
Lady, you in the gray, please, a blanket! I'm frosty out here.
Hey, no, don't do that! Don't-- Get it outta my--
Where are we going now?
Don't drop me!
Oh, very nice.
Lady, I don't know about you, but I'm beat.
So you're the one that's been kicking me.
Well, you're the one that ate all that spicy food.
This is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, so far.
I don't get it, I just don't get it. And I don't like it.
Where did I go wrong?
Where are my thumbs? Where the hell are my thumbs?
I want to suck my thumbs!
I want my own place.
I did not think I'd be reincarnated this quickly.
What a surprise. Oh, boy.
Who stole my sucking thing?
I need my sucking thing!
I just remembered, I hate childhood!
Look at all those daddies down there.
They're making goofball faces and taking pictures of their babies.
Well, you won't find your father here.
I really messed things up for you.
I don't want you to be upset, because I'm gonna find you a daddy.
This time, I'm gonna be smart.
I'm not gonna go for some handsome guy just because I'm in love with him.
You're the only thing that matters to me.
I'm gonna go out there, and I'm gonna get you the best daddy there is.
0ut, down, in, out.
Well, I got that.
What ya got, little face? A hand? Did you find a hand?
Yeah, I got two of them.
0h, my God.
Oh, my-- 0h, God.
"On the third or fourth postpartum day, your breasts may swell slightly."
Slightly? I look like a Russ Meyer movie.
Workman.
- Sorry. - Real nice. Yeah.
- You got your figure back. - This is not my figure.
- You got Dolly Parton's figure back. - Sorry I hit you the other day.
I was in a lot ot pain, and I know I owe that cab fare.
Somebody stole my purse. I don't keep much cash.
How ya doing, pal? How ya like New York?
It's my kind of town.
This is a crummy tip, but I'll get back to you later.
Wait a minute. How did you know where I lived?
You left it in the cab.
Thanks.
- You never look through that, do you? - Why do you say that?
'Cause you're still carrying your diaphragm.
Don't smoke that around my baby!
There's a 62% higher rate of cancer...
for nonsmokers who live with smokers.
What are you trying to say, you don't want me to move in yet, or what?
I don't know. What do you think?
Did the drugs have any effect on him?
How did you know I had drugs?
I don't. I didn't. It's just, you can tell in his eyes.
He looks stoned.
He doesn't look stoned.
He looks perfect.
You don't look so hot yourself, you know.
You try squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon-sized opening...
and see how hot you look.
0uch. I should call my mother more often. Get it?
- You want a sub? I got one. - No, thank you.
- Watch him while I change my clothes. - Sure.
Don't take him out of his chair and don't touch him a whole lot.
- How ya doing, Mikey? I'm James. - Hey, James.
- Good to meet you. - You mind if I suck on that?
How long you been here?
- About five years. - In the same apartment?
- You were you born in New York, right? - Yeah. Are you with the Census Bureau?
How do you like the outside world?
You spend nine months trying to get out, and your life trying to get back in.
Tell me about it.
Oh, this?
This here is your first lesson in coffee.
Without anything in it, it's black. Can you say "black coffee"?
Then there's coffee regular, okay? That means two sugars and milk.
Which they forgot. Can I borrow some of yours?
- Coffee regular. I love it. - You know, that's breast milk.
Why didn't you tell me?
You're on your own.
All right. I'll see you guys later, okay?
I'm gonna take my sub and my breast milk and get outta here.
Be cool.
Fellas, I got something cold and wet in my shorts down here.
You think you could get somebody for me, guys?
Listen, fellas? Hey!
You guys are no help. I'm cold and wet, and there's nothing I can do about it.
It's okay, Mikey. Mommy's here.
very nice. That Mommy person's here again.
She's okay. I like her.
Let me get this straight: I cry, and she comes in with a bottle.
Crying. I can definitely handle crying.
Taxi ! Hey, Taxi!
"Due to hormones, over 80% of women get postpartum depression."
I'm not gonna.
Like many parents, I can't always call on the birthday of someone I love.
She understands, of course.
Help! Somebody burp me before I blow up!
- Thank you. - That's it, you have an exotic disease.
I look like I could play the lead in Night of the Living Dead.
Your father deserted us so he could pork his interior decorator.
I think you can safely say that it can't get any worse.
- Hello. - I was wrong.
Wheres my grandson?
There he is.
Hello, Mikey. Do you know who I am?
No, actually, I don't.
I'm your grandma.
Okay, lady, you say so, you're my grandma.
What do you want from me?
Who's got a wet tushie?
I give up.
Okay, after a new diaper, I like that white stuff on me.
All right?
Have you got it? There it is.
Put some on me. Come on.
I have to keep the sperm in cold storage.
I'll put it on. Give me it. Come here.
Let me get my hands on it. I'll put it on.
- You look awful. - Thank you.
- There we go. - You're using too much powder.
Get out of this house.
I'm gonna give Mikey a bath, then we're gonna have a baba!
A what?
Oh, yeah, she's gone.
If there wasn't...
such a thing as love, what kind of guy would you get to be your kid's father?
Someone with a small mouth and good hair, or broad shoulders--
What kind would you want to stick around and help raise your child?
- Are there men who'd do that? - All right, I'd--
I know what lm looking for: a guy who's not married...
not into drugs, not an alcoholic...
not a deadbeat, but not somebody that works 20 hours a day.
- And cute. - Cute is not a consideration.
- Come on ! - Cute is of absolutely no importance.
You're my first date since my baby was born.
This looks delicious. I've heard such great things--
Helen, or whatever, what is this?
I asked for well done. This is raw.
I asked for no dressing. This is covered with slop.
Are you deaf or something?
Who do you have to kill to get one of the bread rolls I see on other tables?
A "C" in algebra?
How many times did we go over and over and over those logarithms?
Are you an idiot?
I've never gone out with anyone from the health club before.
But I said, "What the hell, you gotta take a chance sometime."
I'm not so sure about that. Excuse me.
This fork is dirty, this plate looks spotty...
and there is something floating around in this water.
Have you checked your water? Know what's in there?
What is this mess?
Why are white socks in the same row with colored socks?
And what are school shirts doing mixed up with after-school shirts?
Youre not going anywhere until this is straightened up properly.
- Somebody call for a cab? - How about that? Small world.
More mail for Vincent Ubriacco.
- I don't even know this guy. - Why don't you let me have it?
All you do is put them up here. Postman'll take care of them.
Good to see you.
It's good seeing you too.
See you.
Son of a bitch!
- You're stealing my mail. - I'm not.
- What's in your pocket? - These are mine.
- You took it from my mailbox. - I sent them here. Can I explain?
- Explain fast. I'm calling the police. - Fine. My grandfather is Vincent.
He's been kicked out...
of an old age home, and I've found a place for him in Manhattan.
I'm not a resident. I live in Englewood. I was thinking--
You wanted to use my address to set up residency.
- I could have you arrested. - For what?
Screwing with the mail is a federal offense.
Stealing mail is a federal offence, not screwing with it.
Can I get the other letters?
- Why not? - I don't want to get involved.
You are something else.
I bring back your purse so you don't have to cancel your credit cards.
Well, thank you very much.
This is illegal, and I don't want to get caught.
You're not gonna get caught. I'll do something for you.
Like what?
I'll baby-sit.
Come on.
- You can't take care of a baby. - I can.
I practically brought up my sister's kids. I know about babies.
All right, then, Friday night.
No, can't do. Friday's out.
Okay, then forget the whole deal.
- Friday's okay, but that's it. - And during my aerobics classes.
I said, that's it. All right, one aerobics class.
- Saturday. - Can't do.
- Why? - I teach.
What do you teach? Taxi driver's ed?
That's not funny.
If you want to baby-sit, here's the deal.
Friday nights, two aerobics classes, and you can't bring chicks over.
Don't give in.
You're pushing it.
It's a deal.
Sucker!
Good.
- No, don't want any milk now. - Don't force-feed him.
I'm not.
- I want him to take a nap. - He doesn't need a nap.
He doesn't know what he needs.
He's not tired, are you?
I'm not tired at all.
If he doesn't take a nap, then he will wake up...
and want to eat when it's time to sleep.
Yeah, you need a nap.
- Who says? - All those doctors.
They write a book, and they want to sell a book.
Dr. Spock does not just sell a book.
Dr. Spock loves us.
- Dr. Spock protested the Vietnam War. - You're funny.
I'm sorry I said anything about Dr. Spock.
I can't believe she's that upset...
about a Vulcan: big ears, no emotions.
You got any other letters?
They're in the hallway.
Mommy's asleep.
Watch this.
Let's take a ride so your mother can sleep.
- Deal? - Bring the milk.
- Can you say "deal"? - Deal. Grab that milk.
Can you say, Such a deal"?
See that? That's my cab.
I do this to make money.
Not for long.
0kay, Mikey.
This is driving.
When you're older, I'll teach you.
Let's see.
So you put...
the stick in the hole, then make a loud noise.
You move your foot.
I got that. What next?
You move the big circle around and around.
No problem. I can do this. I can drive.
See that silver plane? That's a Beech 18. That's cool.
That big plane, that's a Viscount, a British plane.
- Hey, Carrie. - Hi there, handsome.
What a sweetie.
Is it yours?
Yeah, but we don't know who the real mother is.
I'm kidding.
Is this my schedule? There's nothing on it.
I'm sorry, Jamie.
Wait, these things come in different sizes?
What are these, jumbos?
Look at you, staring at that. You're thinking what I am.
Lunch.
Hello, I want to report a missing baby.
I don't actually know if he's missing.
Maybe he was kidnapped.
Maybe he's just with a complete idiot.
Hey, Grandpa.
Look Daddy, teacher says, every time a bell rings--
Do I know you?
That's right.
Attaboy, Clarence.
I don't remember you having a baby.
It's not mine. Im watching him for a friend.
It's not yours?
Hey, I got more teeth than him.
What are those hairy jobs...
over your eyes?
Let me see those things.
Let me try and grab them. There we go. How's that feel?
Mikey, lay otf them.
What a crack-up.
- Honey, I'm home. - Me too.
- Hey, you're up. - My baby!
Honey, honey!
Hello, sweetie!
The mommy and the baby.
Stupid, stupid idiot!
I called the police! I was worried out of my mind!
- You knew I was with him. - How do I know you're not a kidnapper?
- Do you read milk cartons? - Look, I was baby-sitting.
That means the baby stays here and you sit! Damn it!
- What? - I got a splinter.
Let me see it.
- Got a needle? - In here.
All right. Let's see.
Sit down.
There we go.
Oh, stop.
If you don't hold still, I can't do this.
- It doesn't hurt. - It hurts.
Don't do it that way.
You're poking me too hard!
Hold still. I can't get it out.
- It hurts. - It can't hurt that much.
How would you know? It's stuck in me.
0w, that does hurt!
There you go. Look at that. That's a big one.
I've never had one that big in me.
All better.
I better put Mikey down for his nap.
I gotta go, buddy. See ya.
Ready? High five.
Low five.
Baby five.
- Bye, kid. - Later.
Come on, my little angel. I love you.
- Who was that? - The baby-sitter.
I just wanna know one thing.
He's not the frozen pop, is he?
All right. Give me the baby.
- Ma? - What?
You ever get bored with Daddy?
What, are you kidding?
How can I get bored with Daddy?
Ma, you were right. Mikey does need a father.
I go out with these guys, and they're not good enough for him.
- Mikey'll like whoever you like. - The problem is, I don't like anybody.
The secret is to find someone...
you have something in common with, like Daddy and me.
We both like accounting, eating at diners...
and going to the movies.
I just thought of someone perfect for you.
No, Ma, please--
He's in Daddy's firm.
He's handsome and scored in the top 10% of the C.P.A. exam.
You'll love him.
Well, hello.
Rosie didn't tell me you were beautiful.
I'm surprised. That's usually the first thing she tells people.
But thank you. Come in.
Thanks.
This is my son, Michael.
I've got to get dressed now, so make yourself comfortable.
All right. Hi, little guy. How ya doing?
- Who's this yutz? - What ya watching?
Watching TV? No, let me show you.
Don't touch that.
I don't want to watch football.
Hey, it's the bear show! Yeah ! Look at that!
Leave it on football.
- I told you, leave it alone. - Never, ever statlcky!
- He's a good actor. - It's the play-offs.
- You dick. - Cut it out!
Whoa, baby! Hot mama!
You are such a goofball.
Don't I look good?
You look slightly cute.
- Why are you dressed up? - Baby, I have a hot date tonight.
Call your hot date, because I don't know how late I'll be.
0h, yeah, right. You're going out with an accountant, right?
- 9:30, tops. - Don't count on it.
My woman'll wait for me all night.
This is James, the baby-sitter. I'm going to get my coat.
- How do you do, James? - Good.
- Watching the game. - I got money on this game.
- I understand you're an accountant? - I'm a C. P.A.
That's great. You and Mollie'll get along great. She's a C.P.A.
I know. Her mom told me.
It's gotta be tough, being a mom and a C.P.A.
- But Mollie's a tough girl. - What do you mean, tough?
First of all, she hates it when guys open doors for her...
or pick up the tab and pay for things.
Really pisses her off.
She's liberated?
Liberated? Come on. A guy baby-sitter?
Come here, Mikey. Say, Bye-bye' to Mama.
Do this.
Geez! Geez!
Oh, gee!
Give it back! This is really embarrassing.
May I say one thing? It may be none of my business.
- I think you look better without it. - I do too.
- Sexy. - Really?
Oh, yeah.
All right. Okay, I'll leave it off.
- Great. - Come on.
Bye. See ya.
High five.
- All right. - Who was that clown?
The thlng was...
I was just feeling very uncomfortable.
I'd have this terrible kind of bloated, gassy...
Iike a belchy sensation.
I would get to the bathroom and I would sit down...
and nothing would happen, nothing would come out.
I called my doctor, which...
I think would have been about two or--
It was three weeks after the symptoms started.
I told him the problem and he said, Come in and have an ultrasound."
So I said, "Fine."
What was I saying?
- Ultrasound. - Right. Okay.
So I went in and had the ultrasound, and they checked it out.
It wasn't gallstones.
So now the doctor says, We don't know what it is.
I think you better have an upper G. I."
So I had the upper G.I. By the way, I have to ask you this.
Have you ever had a barium enema?
Not recently.
It's really disgusting, but at least I got to see my colon on TV.
Is it true that colons look ten pounds heavier on TV?
How do you mean?
They never do that for me!
Come on, get on my knee.
- Jump. - Hold it. Okay!
Get down, Mikey!
Yeah, I could do that.
Let's walk.
That's it.
I'm dancing. I'm bad.
- Check me out now. - Okay, jump.
Hey, hey! Can I get paid?
Two, please.
Thank you.
You ready?
Oh, I'm gonna throw up...
but I like it!
Okay, shake it up.
Right on.
Ready? Shake it, Mikey!
Let's go.
- Come on, airplane. - Look at me go.
Mikey's a plane! Look at that boy!
All right!
Finally, finally, thank God, I pass the damn stone.
They tell me it's the most excruciating thing you can have next to giving birth.
- Mollie, I had a good time tonight. - I bet you did.
And I think a lot of guys would tend to feel very threatened...
by a woman being so liberated and always wanting to pay for everything.
- But I quite enjoy it. - What are you talking about?
Your baby-sitter gave me some helpful hints for tonight.
- Oh, he did, did he? - Yeah, he did.
- Come here. - No, I really have to go up now.
Just for a little while.
- Come on, it's early. - Yeah, but I'm broke.
Jerk.
What did James tell him? That I was rich--
Shit!
I'm home.
You can go on your date now.
- Mikey! - Sarah!
How you doing? Come here. I want to talk to you.
- Where you going? - Gotta go.
Right back at you, babe.
- Good to see you. - Hiya, Mikey.
Oh, is that a new hat or is it time to change the bandage?
Hey, Megan, good to see you !
- What's up with you? - Where have you been?
Did you get your hair cut? ls something different about you?
Yeah. What do you think? I hate it.
My mother did it herself and I think she messed it up.
You're crazy. It looks great. It really becomes you.
Remember I used to have curls at the end? They were so cute.
No, well, I remember the curls, yeah.
- I was the girl with the cute curls. - But you're cute now.
I don't think they're gonna grow back.
I look like a boy. No offense or anything. Bye.
It's good talking to you.
Okay, I got another one. Stop me if you heard it.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many?
What's a light bulb?
I don't get it.
Where's she going? Who's that big guy?
Who is it?
That's okay. That's her daddy.
She's gonna go with her daddy. You know, the daddy.
What's a daddy? What do they do?
You know, the big men types...
and they hang around with the mommies.
I get it. Maybe I'll ask James to be my daddy.
I still ain't eating it.
All right! Don't look at Mommy!
You gotta love her.
Watch this, Mikey.
Now, that's entertainment.
We shouldn't do this in front of Mikey.
Look, look. Look at the look on his face.
He looks like his father.
I thought you said you were artificially inseminated.
I was, but I never make that face, so I assume his father does.
You know what I was gonna do today that I thought you'd enjoy doing?
I was gonna take my grandfather over to his new home.
- You helped him get in there. - You thought I'd enjoy that?
Yeah, you'd enjoy it...
and then maybe you'd sign some papers for me.
You are such a baby. If you want me to do something, why don't you just ask?
Would you please come with me to sign these papers?
- Yes. - Thank you.
That's how you handle a woman, Mikey.
Oh, really?
- Want to go to lunch? - Okay.
Let's go to Northeastern Life lnsurance. They give their employees free lunches.
We'll get caught.
Come on. I must know 20 different ways to get free lunch in this town.
- You do this a lot? - Sure.
- I don't pay for L.D.s either. - I hate to even ask.
What's an L. D., right? Long-distance phone calls.
Go to these big companies that got receptionists.
I pretend like I'm a lost messenger.
Theyll let me use their phone. I call my mom or brother. It's terrific.
I wouldn't be driving this cab if I could make more money instructing.
You know that, don't you?
How much do flight instructors make?
If I really hustle, I'd make about 1,100.
- A week? - No, a month.
Why do you even bother?
Because I get to accumulate air time.
Give me my bag! Give me my bag!
Grandpa, he's not stealing our bag.
- I got my teeth in there! - Your teeth are coming with us.
Tell him not to touch my teeth!
I will. Don't touch his teeth.
Welcome, Gramps.
- We're stopping for a bite to eat? - No. This is your new place.
- They got good shrimp here? - The shrimp is good. Try the lobster.
This is it.
- Enjoy your stay. - Thank you.
Grandpa, this is great. This is great.
You got a terrific view. You got no roommate to bug you.
You got color television.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
He's got a sugar jones, right? I got enough candy here to last him a month.
Give him one candy bar a day.
Don't let him find the bag, because he'll eat all of it.
No problem.
Smells good, huh? Mmm, Grandpa.
- Smells good. - I'd like to see you eat it.
Watch this.
Let me try that.
What do you want?
That's Mollie. She helped us get in this place.
The woman has thousands more nerves in the sexual organs than the man.
Remember that.
- I'll bet the kid's not even yours. - Now that's it. Be nice.
0h, my God! This guy's worse at this than I am.
Here, let me give you a hand.
0pen up. Come on. Taste it.
Open wide. There we go!
- Thank you for helping me with Grandpa. - You're welcome.
- Want to go flying with me? - That would be too expensive for you.
I'll pretend you're a maintenance flight. We'll get it for free.
You get everything for free.
Free long-distance phone calls. Free lunches.
- I think you're sort of a scam artist. - I got the town wired, don't l?
Baby, if we were poor, we could still live like kings.
- Oh, God. - Come on, fly with me.
No. I'm not that kind of person.
- Come on. - It's just not my deal.
- You scared? - No, I'm not scared.
Where are the parachutes?
Parachutes? No. There are no parachutes.
No parachutes?
Didn't you ever see Sweet Dreams? The Buddy Holly Story? La Bamba?
There's one big difference here. They were rock legends, and you're not.
Are you sure your wing's not smoking?
0h, my God!
I was just kidding. It was just a joke to relax you.
I'm so nervous.
- I feel so out of control. - This is what we're gonna do.
I'm an instructor and I'm giving you your first lesson.
- Put your hand on my stick. - I don't want to put it on your stick.
- Just put it on my-- - I'm not gonna put it on your stick.
This is not a sexual thing. Just put it on my stick.
That feels good, baby. I'm just teasing.
That's the stick. Get familiar with the stick. You're gonna be fine.
- You're flying. - I'm not flying.
- I'm flying! - That's it.
I'm flying. I'm doing a good job.
This is easy.
Oh, God. What a good sensation.
It's like great sex, isn't it?
I personally wouldn't remember.
He's pretty tired, huh?
Yeah, he's had a busy day.
- You want something to drink? - Wanna watch a movie?
- A beer would be-- - If there's a good movie on.
- Stop it! Stop it! - Stop yelling!
You kids keep yelling, your father's gonna give you something to yell about!
Hey, knock it off!
Whoa, princess! Youre making my mouth water.
I'm hungry!
Hold your horses, or I'll knock you from here to kingdom come.
Is that any way for a royal family to behave? I don't think so.
You know that dumpster behind the supermarket? Look what I found.
Perfectly good head of lettuce. All you gotta do is peel the outside layers.
Good, huh? Who wants a surprise?
I do!
Could be lunch meat. Could be peaches.
Who knows? The point is this:
Even though it's free don't mean it's no good, right, princess?
Right, honey.
- Did I tell you we'd live like kings? - You sure did.
Again.
Do it again, honey!
Again! Again!
Wait a minute.
I'm sorry. I really am.
- I really do want this. - I do too.
- But it's Mikey. - He's asleep!
I have to be very clear on the choices I make for him.
I can't get all swept up in sex and emotion. That's how I got in trouble.
I can't act like a stupid teenage girl who has a crush on somebody...
and the next day realizes it was a mistake.
The only one who's gonna get hurt is Mikey.
But I'm crazy about Mikey and I'm crazy about you.
Please don't hate me for this. I know that back there I was leading you.
Youre just such a good kisser, and I haven't had sex in a long time--
Goodbye. Please.
Goodbye.
Mollie? Can I talk to you?
Could you hold just a minute, please?
Let me ask you a question, just between you and me.
What's with you and Chubby Charles?
- What do you mean, what's with us? - What do I mean?
Perlman's been doing the bank recs for the last six months.
Rubenstein's been doing the corporate quarterlies.
Now there's an extension on Albert's return, so like I said...
what's with you and Chubby Charles?
I made up all my work from my maternity leave.
As far as Rubenstein, I traded him two ot his accounts...
for the Chubby Charles account because I can't do it anymore.
- It's personal. - This is what I don't understand.
We're accountants. We're not personal.
- But I don't think you-- - You've been his accountant for years.
Now with all the new tax laws, when he needs you most, you desert him?
- I don't think you understand-- - I want you there tomorrow afternoon.
That's final.
Don't give me that look.
And, you, show time's over. Get back to work.
Please, Mollie, you have to give me a second chance.
These past months have been like a bad dream.
I guess I just felt so guilty leaving Beth and the girls.
Albert, you have been such an asshole.
If we got back together, I would have to torture you for the rest of your life.
That's okay. I want you to.
What?
I'm gonna burst if I don't kiss you soon.
Tough!
Albert can see you now.
Mollie! How's Mickey?
- Mikey. - Is he talking yet?
Crawling?
I remember the first time Astrid crawled--
I'm not interested in your anecdotes, starring you as the good father.
Mollie, I've been meaning to talk to you for so long.
I'm here to do your taxes, Albert, not talk.
Bloomingdale's, Bloomingdale's, eyelash tinting, body wraps, facials.
Albert, you can't deduct any of this crap.
Could the personal exercise instructor be a medical expense?
Did you suffer any injuries they do physical therapy for?
Then she can't.
So what's the little woman been up to?
Is Priscilla sick? What are all these doctor bills for her?
That's for her therapy. Beth's been communicating with the dead...
and it was really frightening for Priscilla.
We're all seeing a psychiatrist together.
I've been learning a lot.
I'm happy for you, Albert.
Mollie, I know you've been through a lot.
But you gotta believe I love you.
I never wanted anything bad to happen to you...
but I realize it turned out that way.
It took you $20,000 to figure that out, Albert?
- Do you have a picture of Mickey? - Mikey!
I'm sorry. I'm very nervous.
- I think about you and Mikey every day. - Never know it from our end.
I try to call every day and I can't do it.
I'm too ashamed to say anything...
and I'm too afraid of what you'll say.
I've been so confused.
He has my eyes.
I know he does.
It's confusing to love someone so much who looks like someone you hate.
Could I see him, Mollie, please?
All right. I'll be home later on this evening.
Next time you talk to your mom, why don't you put a good word in for me?
- Want a hit? - Hit me.
- Hit it again. - No. Yeah?
- Hit it again. - All right.
Told you I know what I'm doing.
One for me-- Damn! You won again.
Told you I could play.
Listen, I've been thinking about this daddy business. Here's my thoughts.
I want you to be my daddy, and I'll tell Mommy about it.
Who is it?
- Is Mollie here? - She's at aerobics class.
Call in an hour.
- Is Mikey here? - Who are you?
- I'm his father. - Father?
- Are you the sperm donor? - What do you mean, sperm donor?
- I'm the kid's father. - He's from artificial insemination.
Thats ridiculous! Mollie and I have been going out for years.
- How do I have the key? - I don't know, but we're changing it.
What? What?
That's my kid in there. Please, let me by!
If you're the father and he's your son, answer a few questions for me.
- When was he born? - July 3.
What's his favorite cereal?
- I don't know. - Cheerios.
Favorite stuffed animal? Fred or Barney?
- Fred. - Right.
No, Barney. How many diapers does he go through a day? Six.
Favorite rock star? Michael Jackson.
Don't you think a father should know these things?
How much is she paying you? Five dollars an hour?
- Go play some video games. - Don't give me that shit.
Come on, Dad. Let's go. Let's go.
Go to the body!
Oh, yes. That feels good.
- What happened? - Who's Albert?
- Was he here? - Is he Mikey's father?
What?
You lied to me about the artificial insemination crap, didn't you?
He was married. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
Do you love him? Do you?
- What? - Do you love him?
I don't know. I don't know who I love.
The only thing that matters to me is who's best for Mikey.
Albert is successful. He's responsible.
And he's real good to his other kids.
I don't want him seeing Mikey anymore.
Oh, no! Don't start pulling this on me!
He's his son, and has a right to see him anytime he wants to.
Where the hell has he been all year?
You are not his father.
I'm the closest thing that he's got to it.
Oh, please. Look at you. You're like a big kid.
What? You really think you're responsible enough to be a father?
Responsible? You call getting pregnant by a married guy responsible? Good one.
- Stop it! - You stop it.
- You stop it! - No, you stop it!
I've seen you use Mikey to push guys away, and now you're doing it to me.
That's it. I've had it.
- Now get out! - I live here!
I know it!
Ma, can a person who's past a certain age change?
Sure. Look at Daddy.
His high-density lipids went from 230 to 185.
I'm not talking about cholesterol count.
Can someone go through a bad phase and then be nicer?
That I don't know about.
Remember when you met Daddy at that dance for the vets?
How did you know he was gonna be a good father?
I didn't. I liked the way he looked in his uniform.
Didn't they aMI look good in their uniform?
No. I didn't like the sailors in their bell-bottoms.
You spent 40 years with a man you thought looked cute in a uniform?
You had no idea if he was a mature, responsible person.
If I thought like that, we wouldn't have gotten through the first week.
And that was some week, huh?
You're grossing me out. Don't talk about sex and Daddy.
Gerber face. High five.
Look, Mikey...
I don't know if I can keep coming around to see you anymore.
- Why? What's the matter? - It's your mom.
She's got the crazy idea that I wouldn't make a good enough father for you.
Whatever that is. She probably wouldn't have picked my father either.
I think he did an okay job, but--
Want to hear some fatherly advice?
Oh, okay. I'll write you a check.
When I was three, right?
He said, "Don't hit girls, even if they're asking for it."
What'd he say about pushing them?
Later on he'd say, "Finlsh your meat. You know how much that costs?"
And I'd say, 'Oh, yeah. "
The one that sticks out the most, though, was probably...
"If your friends jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, does that mean you got to?"
I still use that one. To this very day I still use that piece of advice.
Doesn't amount to very much, does it?
I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy...
so she doesn't drive the kids crazy.
She called me a "big kld. " She's probably right.
I mean, you're one year old and probably my best friend in the world.
Anyway...
I'll miss you.
Don't be sad. Here. Take this.
No, no. I want you to have it.
Okay. Thanks.
Don't worry. He'll take good care of you.
We're gonna go see Daddy today.
0h, great. I was just thinking about James.
You have to look fantastic. Which do you think, the blue or the lamb?
Neither. They both look pretty lame. What do you think?
- The lamb, right? - Not "lamb." "Lame."
Please don't make me wear clothes with animals on them, Mom! 0h--
Oh, Mom, I don't like this.
Makes me look stupid.
You look great.
Yeah, well, I feel like a retard.
Hey, look at this room. Hey, look at these guys!
I bet I could take those apart. That doesn't look too--
Hey, little metal things. Where could I stick them?
Uh ! Right there in those little holes.
- Who's that? - Mollie, hi.
This must be Mikey.
Hiya, fella. What you doing, huh?
What you doing?
- Aren't you a handsome little man? - How about some milk right in your eye?
Damn it!
Bull's-eye. Whee!
It's just milk. It won't stain.
Come on, Mikey. That's a good boy.
He's beautiful, Mollie. He looks just like you.
A lot of people say that. I don't see it.
I know the circumstances you had him under were terrible...
but when I see him I just know it wasn't a mistake.
I bet hes glad to hear that.
You will never escape me, Skeletor. Come back here with my grape.
- Mikey, don't do that! - What'd I do?
Mollie, people tind themselves in situations...
that they don't always have the strength to get out of.
Mikey, Mommy said don't touch that.
Well, all right.
I'm saying I still love you...
and I still want you.
And what about Mikey?
You know you can always count on me...
if there's ever anything you need for him.
I need a father for him.
I gotta be honest.
I'm living alone for the first time in 17 years. I'm in therapy.
I can't be anybody's father now.
I need to be by myself now. I've raised my kids.
Raised them? They're 11 and 9.
Don't tell me they've moved out and gotten jobs.
Too much fruit.
Well, it wouldn't be fair to Mikey.
- Is he taking a dump? - No! He's thinking real hard.
Come on. Get you all cleaned up.
Hey, why don't you use the washroom in the back, Mollie?
What am I gonna tell him when he asks about his daddy?
0h, no! Not him! I want James to be the daddy!
Don't do that here. That's a $10,000 desk.
- Now it's junk! - Goddamn it!
I'm trying to be honest! I thought you'd understand!
0f course I understand. I am a very understanding person.
I understand you are going through a selfish phase.
And I know that you will understand...
that I am going through a destructive phase.
Yeah, let's trash this place. Take that, Tonto.
I'm sorry I made you wear that stupid outfit.
And I'm sorry you had to meet that mean man!
You'll never have to see him again.
Every time I take you someplace, everybody says how cute you are...
- and how crazy they are about you. - Naturally.
And then the one person who has the genetic bond treats you like a jerk.
Let me dry it now.
Everybody loves you. All the kids at the playground.
Ma loves you. Rona loves you.
Everybody at work loves you. James loves you.
Mikey, do you love James?
- Give him a call. - What, honey?
- You want to play telephone? - Call him.
Hello?
It's for you. You take this one, I'll take the other.
Be right back. Sit still.
Hello?
Hello, this is Lou Franklln. I got a problem with your grandfather.
He's become violent with my staff. I'm afraid you'll have to pick him up...
or I'll have to call Health and Welfare.
- I'll be right there to pick him up. - See you soon.
Grandpa, what's going on?
- Look! I'm a hostage! - He's not a hostage.
He's a mean old bastard. You see what he did to my arm.
- He gave the nurse a black eye. - Don't talk like that.
- They're hiding Dora! - They're not hiding anyone.
- Then where is my wife? - Don't come near me.
Grandpa, sit down. I'll find her for you, okay?
Let's get that cleaned off your face.
You want to look good when you see her, don't you?
Of all my daughter-in-laws, you're my favorite.
You're smart and you're a good person.
That's why Jimmy loves you so much.
There you go.
Come on, Ma. Let's go find James.
You wanna see pictures? I'll show you pictures.
Grandpa? Grandpa, did you eat all these candy bars today?
What candy? The bastards stole my candy!
We'll get you some more.
- Where's the director's office? - Down the hall.
- Come on, Mikey. - Later. We're busy.
- I'll keep my eye on him. - Are you sure?
- Sure. - I'll be back in just a moment.
He gets disoriented and kind of crazy, but this isn't his usual behavior.
That's why my husband made arrangements with your orderly.
It isn't the orderly's responsibility to control his diet.
If that's the kind of care he requires, then you should have a private nurse.
That isn't the kind of care he requires.
The orderly was told by my husband...
to give him one candy bar a day...
and lock up the rest of the candy, and the orderly agreed.
He said, "No problem.'
Then that was Bill.
- Bill always says, "No problem." - What do you mean?
That's all he can say. The man can't speak English.
So can Grandpa stay?
Of course he can stay.
Thank you.
- Thanks for coming down so fast. - No problem.
I arranged it so that your grandfather could stay.
I know. I heard. You didn't have to do that.
I wanted to do it.
Okay, well, let me give you a ride home.
- Don't bother. - Fine.
D.J., time for lunch, man. Let's go.
Are you okay with him?
Get the hell outta here! I'm busy.
And this is Steven, and this is Paulie. They're your own little cousins.
Hi, Vince!
Hello, Esther!
I'd like you to meet my grandson.
There goes James!
James, wait a minute!
Where's he going? Maybe downstairs. I'll go down and meet him.
- They took me to the beauty parlor. - Where's that elevator?
- They cost so much money. - Going down.
You'd think that they'd make a discount--
I'll just press all these.
- Which one has no pineapple? - Hey, perfect.
I'll just hitch a ride with the fruit cups.
Here we go.
Take her away, boys!
- Grandpa, where's Mikey? - He was just here.
What do you mean? How long ago did he leave?
- I'll check the hallway. - I'm calling the police.
Hiya, toots. Which one of you dames wants to help me find my dad?
That's lda's grandson.
Come on, I'm in a hurry here. I just saw the yellow box go by.
Here, fella. Go back to your grandma.
Thanks, babe. Thanks for nothing.
When the police get here, show them these pictures.
- I'm gonna check the cafeteria. - I'll check the hallways again.
All right. I'm on the case now.
Oh, now, that is exactly what I need.
I'll sure be able to find him in one of those.
Let me see if I remember this.
I better set this thing down right here.
That's a good spot. Get that door open.
Let me see. What was it James said? Let's see.
I just stick this thing right in here.
There it goes! Circle around, and we're off!
- He's in the back of that car! - Let's get the cab!
Stop!
I got this driving thing knocked. No problem.
Hey! What are you doing?
Move it!
There he is. Hey, James!
Yo, look at me! I'm driving! How about this?
Where's he going?
- What are you doing? - Cutting him off at the block's end.
- You'll lose him! - We will not!
I know this alley like the back of my hand.
He's gone!
You had a little boy in the back of that truck!
- What are you talking about? - He's my son !
I saw him in your car!
He's about this big! He's only a year old!
Hmm. This looks like a good place to spot him.
Mikey, stop!
Hey, James, is that you?
- Mikey, don't move! - Hey, James! Mommy!
Here I come.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Oh, James, did you see what just happened?
- Give me my baby! - Ma, did you see that?
Are you all right, honey? Are you all right?
Let me see you.
God. I can't believe it. He doesn't have a scratch on him.
I'm glad I finally got you both together.
- I'll take him to the hospital anyway. - Naw, he's a tough kid.
Ma, I want James to be the daddy.
- Thanks for all your help. - I'll take you home now.
Da-da!
- He said "Da-da." - I think he called you "Da-da."
No, I'm talking to hear myself speak.
- He must think you're his father. - I've spent enough time with him.
Yeah, you have spent a lot of time with him.
He probably thinks we're gonna end up together.
Come here.
I hope they don't get stuck together like that.
Now, should I tell them I need a new diaper?
Naw, I'll wait.
Hi, honey.
- This is your sister Julie. - Say, "Hi, Julie."
Hi, Julie.
Don't start with me, kid. I've had a day you wouldn't believe.
Can we talk?