Hey, little buddy. It's your dad.
If you're watching this, I'm probably dead.
But this is the first in a series of videos
where I'm gonna show you how to be a stand-up guy.
I'm gonna teach you how to fight, like, literally fight,
and how to stand up for yourself.
I'm gonna teach you about, you know, your word
and character and all this stuff.
And I'm not just gonna yell at the computer,
I'm gonna have-- I'm gonna film it myself
and demonstrate live exactly how to do everything.
Um...
How am I gonna do that?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Fuck.
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: Hike!
What did you close your eyes for?
Can't expect to catch a pass with eyes closed.
BOY: I didn't.
MAN: You flinched. I saw you.
You don't think they gave me this ball
for flinching, do you?
Every college in the east had a scout there that day.
Last one. Basic thrust.
Hold it here. Hold it here.
And we're gonna start building...
MAN: Are you satisfied with the way you play football?
MOM: Bryan? Oh, shit.
Bryan? Bryan, come down here.
I'm coming. God.
I just saw this post. It's an old friend of mine.
He's looking for a cameraman to help him make a video.
I don't know. Should call--
What do you mean you don't know?
And wait a minute, what are you doing here?
Don't you have your own place?
Didn't I move you into your own apartment?
I don't have Internet.
How much is Internet? It's, like, a hundred dollars.
Oh, then, like, you need a job and, like, you need money.
You think people are standing out on the street
handing out jobs to film majors?
By the way, how much did you make up in your room today, huh?
Yeah, you're probably masturbating to some MILFs.
Oh, gross, Mom.
Who is this guy? Mark McCarthy.
He was a really funny comic back in the late '80s.
He was on Arsenio Hall and everything.
And now he works for an ad agency.
He works for an ad agency?
You don't wanna make commercials because you're too artsy?
It is a last resort.
That's what you do when you can't get any other work.
Oh, shut your mouth,
you smell like marijuana. You are calling him.
MARGOT: So, what are you gonna do today?
MARK: I have errands all day.
MARGOT: Well, if Housewives comes on, I'm not waiting.
I'm not a Housewives guy.
If you wanna have an affair with them, that's fine.
I'm also pretty confident about it
because I know you can't get pregnant.
That is true.
Once you pop a baby in, it seals up and then--
You don't worry about affairs after that.
Like, I could get jizzed in, like, three
or four times a day and you would never know.
Don't say that.
[MARK SCATTING]
You could go off and run your errands
and I could just be like, "Jizz in me."
And it's, like, you wouldn't know. I'm pregnant.
d I'm not listening to this stuff d
To a lot of guys, this is a turn-on.
Some guys, they wanna jizz in a pregnant lady.
Okay. I tuned back in and it's still going.
They wanna pop it in--
Like, what if the baby--?
What if they jizzed in the baby's mouth?
[ddd]
Hi, I'm Bryan.
Hi. Mark.
What kind of movie is this?
What kind of head is that?
Are you a light bulb?
You look like a handsome Chinese man stuffed into a child's body.
[SNIFFS THEN CHUCKLES]
And that hat.
How much is that hat? Uh, I don't know.
I think it was like 15 bucks. Fifteen bucks.
Here. Here's 20 bucks.
And you can keep the change... Why?
...because I don't wanna look at that all day.
Let's go.
So, what's your deal anyway? Are you--?
Are you, like, a little kid?
What do you mean? I'm 22. Twenty-two.
Wow.
How did you hear about this?
Actually, my mom showed it to me.
She's Facebook friends with you. She showed me your post.
Your mom is Facebook friends with me?
Yep.
Wow. I'm old.
I'm old enough to be your dad.
That's intense.
What's her name? Barbara Gershgorn.
Yeah.
She worked at a comedy club in the '80s
and she said you did a lot of stand-up.
Is that her right there?
BRYAN: Yeah.
[LAUGHING]
She looks a lot like a chick I used to fuck,
but older.
If she is who I think she is,
she had this thing with her pussy
where it was like a horse eating an apple,
and it would sort of devour your cock, like--
Her pussy would give you a blow job
and you were almost worried it's gonna pfft,
pop off and go flying in her.
Those were the days, man.
I was on Arsenio, did coke with Sam Kinison.
Now I watch reality TV and feel guilty if I'm up past midnight.
So when do we get to the part where you tell me about the job?
[CHUCKLES]
Is not a job. It's an opportunity.
So you're not gonna pay me?
Yes. I am gonna pay you
in knowledge.
Um...
I need you to film me teaching you
everything to know about life.
And I need you to do it now
because I'm not gonna be around for long.
Why? Where are you going?
Heaven. I'm dying.
I have breast cancer.
Are you joking?
My aunt just died of breast cancer.
First of all, I don't make jokes like that.
Secondly, I'm not thrilled about it.
If it was up to me, I'd have a way cooler cancer,
like rock 'n' roll cancer, all right?
If we keep talking about it, I'm gonna have a bad trip.
Men can get breast cancer?
Yes, they can! Let's move on!
All right. So, what do you need me to do?
Okay. I need you to film me
giving a bunch of life lessons to my unborn son.
Isn't that--? Isn't that kind of like that Michael Keaton film?
"Isn't that kind of like Michael Keaton film?"
People make videos for the future all the time, okay?
Is called a time capsule.
Now, pull out your camera and start filming.
I'm gonna start the video series
at the age where he'll start understanding videos.
So I'm thinking, like, 11.
I've got a prosumer HD cam and this Flip.
Which would you like me to use?
I don't know. I don't know you're talking about.
But yeah, just start filming.
I wanna observe boys' natural habitat.
Don't want people to get the wrong idea.
That's what the sign's about.
BOY 1: Left, left! Right, right!
MARK: Okay.
BOY 1: Yeah. In the face, in the face!
MARK: You see that?
BOY 1: Don't be a pussy.
The thing about bullies is, they're always gonna be there.
You understand?
All you have to do to end a bully is bonk him on the nose.
That's it.
Even if you get in a fight later and you lose the fight,
the fact that you were that much trouble
means he's never gonna mess with you again.
Now, I know what you're saying.
"Dad, what if I do get in a fight? How do I fight?"
Great question. Let's show you. Okay?
When someone attacks you and it's gonna go down,
you just gotta be super-fast and go, "Oh, shit, here we go."
Employ a super-fast combination, then get the hell out of there.
Because what that does with the brain is,
it bonks it against the skull.
And that does way more damage than just boop.
You wanna go boo, boo, boo.
So the poor brain goes bam, bam, bam.
And that's when you get a pass out. Okay?
And it helps to use bad grammar. It makes you sound tougher.
"Look, I don't want no trouble."
[GRUNTS]
Right?
Now, once you know that,
once you have the basics of fighting down,
all of a sudden, bullies aren't so intimidating.
The fight isn't a big deal.
It's a very uncomfortable six seconds
and then it's done. It's just like diarrhea.
The way a dog can smell fear,
a bully can smell confidence.
Now, when you see a bully, you're just sort of like,
"Hey, buddy, what's going on?"
"Oh, cute, he's a tough guy.
You're being-- Look, everyone, we got a tough guy here."
And then he senses that, and gets freaked out.
There's nothing easier than taking down a tough guy.
Because he's not really a tough guy if he's acting like one.
Let me show you.
Get your stuff. Let's go to this pack.
BOY 1: You're not even hitting him.
Come on, kick the shit out of him.
Hey. Don't you be filming me, bitch.
You two faggots wanna get fucked in the ass?
What are you doing with that camera?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
BRYAN: Mark! What is going on?
MARK: Bryan!
BOY 1: Right there. You're gonna get it.
[MARK GROANS]
BOY 1: Yes!
[BOY 2 INDISTINCTLY YELLING AND BOY 1 GROANS]
BOY 1: You motherfuckers are going to jail!
You're going to jail!
d Go, go, go, go, go d
Oh, cramping, cramping, I'm cramping.
I'm cramping.
Ah, ow, ow, ow.
Dude, we just beat up children.
It was collateral damage.
If you're making an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.
[GROANS]
You punched a kid in the nuts. Yeah.
Did you hear him? He said he was gonna fuck us in the ass.
He was a rapist.
Let's get out of here. Okay.
Why would anybody eat in a tapas place?
"Oh, I'm in the mood for one oily meatball.
One piece of bacon."
I wouldn't mind bringing my oily meatballs to a topless place.
Oh, my God. What is that?
Wow, full turnaround you just had.
No, it wasn't for her. It was for her socks sandal--
Oh.
I can't believe you care about women's clothes.
Like you're so metrosexual.
That's not women's clothes. She's dressed like a German man.
She has sandals and socks on, like a weird
goth from Stuttgart. This is, like,
still a thing with you.
That was a beautiful girl.
You're like a hair above being gay.
MARK: I would not fuck her. MARGOT: Wow.
These are amazing, sweetie. Thanks for making them.
Yeah. Thanks so much, Mrs. McCarthy.
They're delicious.
So, what are you guys doing, anyway?
Um, we can't tell you. It's a surprise.
For me? No.
Then why can't you tell me?
We just can't.
MARGOT: Okay.
Well, that's good, actually,
because I was worried I was gonna have to,
like, expend the energy caring, and I just--
I don't have that time today, you know?
I'm, like, really busy.
I've got a lot of things to think about,
like why do my feet hurt so much?
She doesn't know I'm dying. Why are my toes so fat?
Do I still have ankles? I don't. I don't have ankles anymore.
It's just, like, leggy...
Okay, pal. If you're watching this tape,
you're probably a new teen,
you've got tons and tons of zits
and your pubes look kind of weird.
This is around the age where you start developing
your funny bone, okay?
You're gonna have riffs with friends.
They're gonna get more and more advanced.
There's two categories with friend riffs,
either I'm gonna fuck you, or I'm gonna kill you.
The peak, top, coolest,
best joke you can have with a buddy is this:
Heh. "I was just reading in this magazine about this guy
that super wants to sleep with his best friend.
It was so stupid. I was like, 'What? Ha-ha-ha.
I don't know. Why are they--?
It was a questionnaire.
'Why are they talking about this? Weird.'"
And if your friend is hilarious, right? He'll go, "Really?
What did--? What did it say he should do?"
Ha-ha-ha. Okay?
Once you got there,
you're at the very top and everything else is gravy.
What else? What else? What else?
Astrology. If a dude asks you about astrology,
you shouldn't even know your sign.
Astrology is for babysitters.
The second someone asks you about astrology,
you just go, hmm.
And walk off.
Also, never say "Like, literally" okay?
Those are the two worst things you can say.
"Like" means "sort of."
And "literally" means "exactly." Okay?
"Like, literally" is a contradiction.
That's how you know you're with a bad dude,
because he's not holding himself as a man.
A man has decorum, okay?
A man presents himself properly.
And that means you have to dress like you're in control.
Let me see this for a second here.
Now, this is Bryan,
he's no son of mine, but he's not a bad guy.
But I'm seeing a lot of problems here.
First of all, what is all this extra fabric?
Do you find your clothes by the side of the road?
You look like someone who lost maybe 200 pounds an hour ago.
And these.
These shower shoes the kids are wearing today.
What if you're walking and you get in a fight?
"My God, get this guy out of here."
Look at that.
Dude. Okay? You need to be apt.
You need to be able to move around.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna get you a whole new look
starting right now, all right?
You're gonna look like a man,
then I'll teach you to act like a man.
d We don't give a fuck This is real shit, nigga d
All right, let's get started.
d If I really give a fuck d
d About how you felt About how I wear my jeans d
d Fuck that d
d 'Cause I feel better knowing That my crew is origin d
d In hindsight I saw that your crew d
d Was trying to dress Like mines d
d In tight pants d
d In hindsight I saw that... d
Well, there's nothing there I wanna--
d Was trying to dress Like mines d
d In tight pants d
There. Your makeover is complete.
Thank you.
Let's just do this top button here.
It makes you look like a sexy murderer.
Heh. Wow.
Do you need those glasses? For reading and driving.
Okay, you shouldn't read when you drive.
Oh, all right.
MARK: This is a man.
Bryan came in here dressed
like a mentally ill assassin at a sleepover
and he's leaving here a man.
You look good, buddy. How do you feel?
Thanks, man. I feel great.
How you feeling?
How do I feel?
I feel bad.
I'm dying.
I do think she looks better.
It's funny, though, how, like, they reformed them,
but she's wearing as much eyeliner as she always was.
But at least she has, like, a softer lip, which I like.
You can't do eyes and lip, you know,
because then it's just too much.
You gotta just pick one because, otherwise, you're like--
It looks like you give BJs on the first date, right?
Mark.
WOMAN 1: Get your * * * * out of my f.
WOMAN 2: You better watch yourself.
MARGOT: Mark?
Yeah?
MARGOT: Doesn't she look better? Mm-hm.
She's cute now.
MAN: We're gonna have to get everything out there.
Heh. Nice shirt, cowboy.
Hurry up.
MARK: Okay, grooming for a man is very simple.
You take your soap bar, you lather up your pubes.
That's how you get a lather going,
with the friction, right? Then take those suds
...and peel back your foreskin and wash your head like that:
You do your balls. You get down there, all right?
You turn around, you get your ass crack, all right?
And then it's just diddley diddley dee.
One armpit, doodle doodle doo.
One armpit. Done.
No shower for a man should be more than one minute long.
Oh, morning, honey.
What are you guys doing?
I told you. He's filming with me.
Why?
He's doing a documentary on me.
Why?
On-- On comed--
On people who used to be comedians.
Well, that sounds pretty boring.
That sounds boring?
You're saying I'm boring?
Well, we're boring. Sort of, yeah.
I don't know about you, but I consider boring
to be about the worst thing you can be.
Well, sorry, but that's what you are now, so get used to it.
Oh, really?
Yeah. Once I poop this baby out,
there's not gonna be any late-night partying, okay?
There's not gonna be doing whatever you want
or your stupid, like, fart jokes.
No more fart jokes? Okay, got it.
You don't get to do shit anymore.
I'm home, you're home. We are boring!
Fascinating. Time to grow up, okay?
I'm having a child, I don't need two.
Oh, okay. I get it now! I'm boring and I'm a child!
I'm a boring child!
Yeah, bingo, you got it!
You're being basically insane!
Get out of my bathroom. I'm sorry.
Hey, little buddy. This is your dad's office.
This is where I worked before I died.
I've got a boner theme
that's going throughout the whole office.
I know it has kind of a rapey vibe.
And I keep all my rapey vibes in here,
so things don't get too out of control.
This holds 98 percent of everything I own.
The rest is all bullshit.
Hey, guys. I told you about the documentary
I'm doing, so I assume that's cool.
Yeah. Yeah.
Whatever. So great, we're all here.
CarPast is a thing where you can check out
the history of a used car online,
see if it's been in any accidents.
Damages you might not necessarily see cosmetically.
Can I do my thing? Because I already have this nailed.
Great. Go.
All right, I'm gonna need a prop. Let's use you, Rob.
Your body is perfect for this.
Okay. Guy's at a used-car lot, right?
He's looking at cars, dubious chap.
Hmm. "I don't like that one."
Hmm. He's smart. He knows what he's doing.
Then he sees this third car.
We don't acknowledge that it's a hot chick in a car costume.
Okay, imagine these if they were perfect tits.
And she's got that thing on
where, you know, when you can't see correctly?
When you have a costume on, you have to go like that:
I love-- That's comedy gold right there.
And so I look at her,
and I'm treating her like any other car,
and I go, "You all right?"
And she goes, "Yeah, fine. Fine."
And then we sort of draw out a stare where I'm going:
And then she's sort of going:
And then, bloop, some sweat comes from her face, right?
And then I decide to test my hunch and I go--
And I just start pushing on her stomach, right?
And then, as I'm pushing, worst, grossest, food poisoning fart.
Like:
[MIMICS FARTING]
And I just go, "I knew it."
You're kidding, right?
No.
Wait, are you kidding?
Okay. All right, no, no. I mean, that's--
It's fine for us joking around in here,
but if we sent them that, the client might think we--
Well, they might question our competence.
I thought I was gonna get a hundred high-fives here.
You're not gonna take it to the client?
TONY: Too much bathroom humor for this brand.
You guys do your job, okay? I do my job. My job is being funny.
You don't get funny. Sorry, okay?
Who here has been on Arsenio? Hands up.
One person.
This is a half-a-million-dollar commercial.
I am not sending them a fart joke.
Farts are comedy gold, you idiot!
So wait, I'm-- I'm gonna run around
defending your farts now, is that it?
Look at a Ben Stiller movie. Talk to the South Park guys.
We don't love it. We don't like sitting,
typing out fart jokes, but they pay the bills.
Look at anything that's made money.
It has a fart joke in it because it goes back to cave days, brrt.
Everyone laughed at that.
Okay.
Relax, all right? I'm not sending that to the client.
It's not like I'm firing you.
You can't fire me.
I can, actually.
Because I fucking quit!
What is Arsenio? Is that...?
I hope you got all that. I hope you filmed every fucking drop.
Really? You're quitting over a grade-school joke?
It's not about toilet humor, Tony, okay?
It's about you preventing me from doing my job
because you don't get that art takes risks.
That computer doesn't belong to you.
You know what?
Fuck you, dude!
Really? Ho--? Are you gonna do this to me every week?
Just-- Will you just be a man and apologize?
And we can move past this. Be a man and apologize?
You want me to apologize?
Okay. How's this for an apology, Tony?
[MARK FARTS THEN RECEPTIONIST CHUCKLES]
Did you hear that? That was my worst fart
and it still got a laugh.
I'm sick of pretending I'm not talented.
Ugh! Fuck!
[ddd]
You guys like comedy? Why not?
I don't like women for one very simple reason.
They don't fart.
[MAN LAUGHS]
So I can't relate to them.
Farting is my everything.
It's what I live for.
And I don't just love the smell of my own farts,
like I know you guys do. I see you.
I know you scoop 'em.
I know you sit on the toilet and you go,
"Whoa, that one reeked,"
and you enjoy it.
I'm with you on that, obviously.
I like the smell of my friends' farts.
If a friend lets one rip in the car,
I don't want the windows wound up.
I wanna enjoy it like a rare cheese.
I'm interested in its origin.
"Did it burn your anal lips when it came out?
Did you know it was gonna be this bad?
That has a very sort of powerful after-tang to it.
It's got a roadkill kind of vibe.
Do you eat dead rats?"
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm sort of a fart gourmand.
I'm like the Mario Batali of farts.
I quit my job for this.
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
Yup.
I quit my job, got a pregnant wife,
and I'm dying of male breast cancer.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[CROWD CLAPPING]
Dude, I slayed.
Yeah, the part where you were telling the truth.
Yeah, duh. Ever heard of "It's funny because it's true"?
That's a lesson for you. I never lie.
Always tell the truth.
Hey, Mark, can I talk to you for a second?
Curt.
Did I kill or did I kill?
Yeah, sure, you killed it, baby.
I wanna thank you for letting me perform.
Okay. Problem is you were required
to bring 15 heads to the club and you only got six, so...
Seven. He didn't pay.
Okay, take me to comedy jail.
[LAUGHS]
You owe me $135.
[ddd]
I still can't believe I'm dying.
It's not sinking in.
My dad's still alive.
I never knew my dad.
Really? That blows.
Does your mom know who he is?
No. She wasn't really...
A little tiny bit of a slut.
Hold on.
When I first met you I was joking around
about being your dad,
but I'm starting to think it could be true.
What year were you born? 1990.
Wow, that's when I was really wasted and doing a lot of drugs.
And that picture of your mom looks
pretty familiar.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[ddd]
Where have you been? Guess what I did tonight.
Doing stand-up and killing.
Well, I mean, it was...
I killed. Killed.
Ah. I didn't know you still wanted to do comedy.
It's who I am. I just got out there on-stage
and I realized this is what I'm about, you know?
Okay. Well, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Pfft. I quit my job.
What?
No, this is a new beginning.
Are you serious?
You quit your job? Oh, my God.
You quit your job that gives you benefits
and a salary while your pregnant wife is at home.
Are you trying to give me a miscarriage?
I'm going to storm out of here very slowly.
I'm trying to be true to myself, setting an example for the kid.
Why would you do that? You need to relax.
That is a fucking stupid thing to do!
I'm following my passion.
Your passion is stupid!
[DOOR SLAMS]
Shouldn't you--? Take out the camera.
I got something.
Get it out now.
All right.
[CAMERA BEEPS] [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, buddy.
You're probably in your late teens by now,
and that means you're super-horny
and all you can think about is women.
I want you to know
that women are very hard to deal with, okay?
They just sort of spew emotions
like this big tsunami of diarrhea.
You have to get out of the way when that happens
and sort of grab your surfboard and ride the waves
and sort of manipulate the...
...the insanity to work for you
in a way that's not easy to do.
Uh...
Actually, cut. Cut.
I have an awesome idea. Follow me.
WOMAN: We don't deal with them unless they pay less.
[CAMERA BEEPS]
All right, all set.
Okay.
The hardest thing in the world to do is the cold call.
What's a cold call?
Cold call-- You gotta let me finish here, okay?
The cold call is when you don't know the chick at all
and you're walking up to her and saying, "Hey, how you doing?"
Just by doing that, you're 100 percent admitting
that you're there just because she's pretty.
You don't know anything about her personality,
and so, what you're doing is walking up and saying:
"Hi, I'm shallow."
That's a big hurdle to get over.
The crucial thing here is that you understand that it--
Women don't want some nice, sweet, corny guy, okay?
They want a man.
They wanna be safe. They wanna feel protected.
All right? That's your job.
They wanna be rescued.
[MIMICS TRUMPET]
They want a knight. They want--
We have to save the damsel in distress.
Yeah.
The problem is,
what kind of danger are they in in a bar?
Yeah.
You know, there's no damsel in distress.
No, there's no-- Yeah.
Princess in a high tower.
So, what we're gonna do is, we're gonna fabricate
the princess in the high tower, okay?
Sure.
Son, when we come back,
Bryan here is going to be doing
what I like to call the "wasted wingman."
Okay, cut.
What is that, exactly?
Okay, do you see those girls over there?
Yeah.
I need you to totally creep them out.
Dude, I don't wanna do that.
Yes, you need to be a wasted dude
that is bumming them out so I can rescue them.
Dude, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm your father and I'm telling you you have to do that.
You're not my dad.
Well, I may have just cum in your mom's cunt.
Man, enough of that shit. Come on.
It's my dying wish. You ever heard of death row?
They eat whatever they want for their last meal.
They'll have ice cream and steak, whatever.
This is my ice cream steak.
After I moved him across the country in a U-Haul.
Oh, my God. Wait, what did you say?
Hi. That's really se-- That's really sexy.
That's really-- It looks really good.
You know, I think you guys maybe take-- Take a bath together.
What the hell, man? Well--
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing? Hey, fuck you.
No, fuck you, motherfucker.
Act like I just whispered something super-scary.
Get out of here.
[SIGHS THEN CHUCKLES]
What are you drinking?
It was a gin and tonic, but don't worry about it.
I'm worried about it. And what about you?
Same.
MARK: Two gin and tonics, please.
Oh. I'm glad you are strangers.
If you were my wife, I would've murdered him.
Not-- I'm not married.
I'm just saying like if I-- My sister or whatever.
Because your adrenaline is like:
Were you scared?
Yeah, I was a little bit. Sort of.
Did you hear about that bum on Bowery recently,
stabbed a guy in the eye with a fork at Moby's tea shop?
Yeah, the guy just said, "Can you move, please?"
The bum goes, prrt. WOMAN 1: Oh, God.
Through his eye into his brain.
I'm more scared of drunk guys than I am of gangsters.
With a gangster, you think he might have a gun,
a bum definitely has a fork.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
He doesn't have anything to eat, but he's got a fork.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You were fucking amazing, by the way.
Dude, I don't remember anything.
Literally, I just shut off and went into autopilot
and watched myself from outside my body.
See that thing I did where I said,
"What if we were married?" Threw a wife thing in there?
You slip into the friend zone if you don't do that.
Yeah, yeah, but you had them laughing.
What if you're just not funny?
The secret to humor is brutal honesty, right?
With some vulnerability on top,
and then just a sprinkling of insightful commentary
or some kind of pun to tie it in a bow at the end.
Mm.
Like, I actually am scared of bums.
But sometimes I get nervous, you know?
I-- I get shaky, my voice, it trembles.
[SIGHS]
Do you know about shitty tits?
It's the best-kept secret in the history of picking up chicks.
Are you ready?
If you're intimidated by a girl and she seems too hot for you.
just imagine her
having the worst breasts in the entire universe.
But I don't just mean not great tits, I mean the worst sagging,
wrinkly, veiny, Star Wars bar monsters
with huge lumpy nipples and a giant cavernous belly button
with coarse hairs going down in a big hair trail,
and big, like, broom bristles.
Zit, zit, zit.
Like a homeless Romanian 90-year-old
who's dying of tumors.
Oh, my God, you're gonna make me puke, dude.
Are you a virgin?
That's, like-- Oh, my God, you are!
Oh, my God, I have so much knowledge to impart.
I don't know where to begin. Okay.
If you feel like you're gonna cum too soon,
imagine Kevin Spacey's head, 7 feet tall,
floating above the bed, and just focus on that.
Uh, if she takes you home, that means "yes."
Oh, and "no" doesn't mean no. Three "noes" means no.
One "no" is like, uh, maybe.
Two "noes" is you're not doing a good job.
Three "noes" is get out of there, give up.
You have to understand with women.
You can totally subjugate them, defile them, abuse them.
You can make them a colostomy bag for your cum
if, and this is a big if,
if you treat them like a human being after.
You wipe your cum off the face.
"Oh, no, who did this to my baby?"
You know? You have to make her breakfast. Have to eat her out.
Dude, it's so much to remember.
Don't know how to eat out a chick, do you?
Dude, of course. I mean, come on.
[LAUGHS]
That wasn't even close.
What do you mean?
Okay.
What you just showed me right there was this:
[BUZZING]
I'm just like you, buddy.
I wanna get in there. I'm hungry.
I'm a pig at the trough.
[CHOMPING]
Okay? But you're like an eel
going into someone's body. That's freaky for a lady.
Right? You gotta ease her into it.
Imagine she's like a wild, crazy horse.
[IMITATING NEIGHING]
You don't go, "Hey, crazy horse," tickle, tickle.
Like, grab his nuts. Bssh.
They'll just kick you out of the way. You have to go:
[RECITING FAKE NATIVE AMERICAN-SOUNDING WORDS]
Shh.
"It's okay, Crazy Horse, stay calm."
You start her at the very beginning, okay?
Brrt.
You just lay your tongue on her vagina
just like a wet rug.
Just plop it down, okay?
And then you know what you do?
Nothing.
One-1000, two-1000, three-1000.
We're just sitting there, she's thinking,
"Okay. Now he's not a hungry beaver eating out my corn,
but what's going on down there?
Nothing is going on.
Oh, no, wait, something is going-- Oh, what's this?
We're moving right to left.
We've got some momentum here
and we're probably starting. Okay, we're st--
What happened?
Uh-- Oh, I guess he sto-- Oh, here we go again.
Oh, there's a fast one. No--"
Uh--
You see? You're building anticipation here.
You have to be totally unpredictable.
So you're starting and then:
"Oh, I'm done. I'm not doing it anymore.
No, I'm back. Now I'm going fast."
[MARK MIMICKING WHIRRING SOUND]
Windshield wipers, windshield wipers.
[BUZZING]
[WARPED VOICE] Oh, now the battery's low...
So now she's going,
"Is he gonna eat this thing or what? Come on."
That's sending the blood down.
All the nerve endings are getting blood.
Everyone in the body, "Hey, hear about this pussy-eating thing?"
And everyone goes to the vagina. "Oh, I gotta check this out."
Around now you start feeling some juices going.
Once you feel the juices,
that's the time to ramp it up a bit,
and maybe, just maybe, see, you don't even know,
maybe get a frequency going.
"Oh, boy, here we go. Now we're cooking with gas.
Doot doo doo, doot doo doo.
Now we're gonna go to the end. Now we're feeling some--"
What--?
Just wait it out.
"What is he doing?" Now you start feeling this.
"Oh, my God. Oh, please." Anticipation, "Lick it."
"I might. I might just get up and go to work right now.
I might go up and have a bowl of cereal."
"No, I'm not. Now, I'm--" And then she's like,
"Oh, fuck, thank God. He's not giving up."
[GRUNTING]
Now we're gonna go to the finish line. We feel the quivering.
It's just a mound of mucus.
[SLURPING]
And it's time to do the whole beaver thing, right?
Just start like that. Go as fast as you can, right?
Yeah.
Wrong. Now, the final 10 percent,
we do what's called "the man in the boat isolation."
Okay, so you just wanna focus on this guy.
The man in the boat?
The clit. You see, there's all kinds
of labia and hair and crap around there.
So you just wanna push all that aside with your mouth
and just focus on the man in the boat.
And now you just start giving him.
And you're just-- Punching bag, speed bag.
Bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda.
And you just slap the shit out of it. "You fucker.
You owe me 300 bucks.
You keep lying about it." Bam, bam, bam.
You suck it all in and you create a vacuum.
And you're just going, boom, boom, boom.
And it's going, "Holy shit."
[GRUNTING]
And rrt, and it's gonna hurt,
okay, because your tongue's exhausted.
But you gotta go for the goal. You keep going, rrt.
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
[MARK BUZZING]
Now you're going fucking bananas on it.
Now you're that beaver eating the corn.
[GRUNTING]
"Oh, fucking..."
[MOANING]
And then, once it's all over,
instead of getting up and going, prrt, you go, whew.
And you go back to that wet rug from the beginning.
You just bookend it with that.
Just lay it down there for a few seconds.
And you're done.
And now she's yours, forever.
MARK: Whoa.
Thank you. Thank you.
Let's go get some coke.
What is this place?
It's a gay bar.
What, like, with gay people?
No.
I was just staring. You know, so I'm in the other seat
and I'm just staring.
Still, he got really angry about the whole thing.
And I was sitting there, I was like--
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Hey.
I don't know if you guys remember me.
I used to come in here all the time. I'm Mark.
Mark.
Yeah, you're Jo. Jo.
Sparkles. Yeah.
Just give me a 20 bag.
It's another 60, it's 80 bucks.
You don't do 20 bags anymore?
Yeah, I do 20 bags,
if you take a time machine and go back 30 years.
What are you talking about, 20 bags, this guy?
Oh, man, that's so much blow.
There. Thanks for the year's supply of coke.
Let me see your dick. Oh, come on.
Are you kidding me? You're still doing that?
Eh. Quick. Just quick.
Fuck.
This is humiliating.
Here we go. Not bad.
Turn-- Flip it over a little--
Okay. All right. Let me see your dick?
Me? Jo: Yeah.
No. I'm not doing that. Just pull it out for one second.
Just flash it, zoop. BRYAN: No.
Quick shot of your cock. Just let me see your cock.
Do you want coke or not? No, I don't, actually.
[JO CHUCKLING]
It's all right.
Really? Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.
It's all you. Take it. All right, guys.
Thanks a lot.
What was that?
I know, right?
It looked like a Rob Zombie clown
joined Tenacious D or something.
No, you let him sexually assault you.
Uh, I don't see it that way.
And you said "thank you."
Cops have a mental vocabulary when it comes to crime, okay?
If they see you tapping out coke on your hand
or using a key bump, they go:
"Hey, I know what that is. I have a trigger."
But when you do something crazy,
like what I like to call a palm bump...
[BREATHES IN HEAVILY]
Oh, man.
...they just see a mentally-ill guy
slicking back his hair, right?
You just do it in public like that?
Do what? I just went like this,
and I thought about something and I'm--
Eh. Uh...
It's called perceptual blindness.
When the Indians first saw the boats come with Columbus,
they didn't see anything
because their brains didn't have a department for that.
So they couldn't handle them.
They just went, "I see nothing, just an ocean."
What do you mean?
You can become invisible to cops
if you do cocaine in a weird way.
You're gonna lose some on your face, but--
Can I try?
Sure.
Wow, you have a gift.
You have a tiny bit on your nose and that's about it.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Okay. Let's do bar etiquette, number 37.
This is the 340th rule of page A, section B.
Wow, that's a lot of them.
Man in a bar doesn't have a credit card, has cash,
orders the cheapest beer around.
Can we get two of your cheapest beers, please?
Okay? You notice I didn't have a fruity drink, okay?
I'm not trying to disguise the fact
that we're eating rotten barley and oats.
Yeah. You understand? This is poison.
We're here basically at a alcohol crack house
to poison our bodies.
They don't do that with heroin.
They don't have strawberry heroin, right?
I don't know. We should get some heroin.
What, dude? Yes.
And I'm not getting a wine
or a cocktail or some sort of fruity drink
where you have to hold the stem.
"Oh, the stem. I have a little flower.
I'm a smart lady, I'm a businesswoman."
[SLURPS]
We don't do that, right? Get that guy out of here.
Those are stupid.
With your credit card cocktails.
Ladies, I would like to introduce you
to a fucking asshole.
This guy came up to me outside and he said,
"I would like to apologize, dude. I was wasted."
I go, "Wrong gender, man.
You got to apologize to those two girls in the bar."
Yeah.
I'm really sorry, I was really drunk,
and it's really stupid and I'm sorry.
Whatever. We are totally over it, right?
We are. We're over it.
Beautiful.
GIRLS: We're over it. We're over it.
The trio of victims accept your apology.
Whoa.
I don't remember you being as hot.
Did you do something since we were last here?
I have to talk to you.
If we talk, I'm gonna have to talk like this...a blind man.
Every time I look at you,
it's like a flashbulb went off
and I can see your face everywhere.
BOTH: Stop. It's like staring at the sun.
You know what I want? I want Sharia Law in here.
Can we get two burkas for the ladies, please?
Oh, my God.
This is getting too intense, I can't hack it.
It's too much. It's like Medusa in reverse.
What, they're, like, turning statues into people?
Yes. That's what they're doing.
Look at this guy. He's bugging you when he's drunk.
Now he's sober, he's a metaphor nut.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Whoa, Dude, what are you doing? I'm having some fun, my man.
GIRL: Please tell me you have coke.
MARK: That is so.
This is really good shit, it's super-strong.
Really? Yeah.
It's gonna make your whole face go numb.
I'm just gonna break it in for you.
Aah. Pa-koo-ahh!
There you go. There's that and there's that.
[BEEPING]
Oh, my God. You're so fucking hot.
Oh, I wanna see your tits so fucking bad.
Let me see your tits.
Holy fucking shit, they are so perfect.
Oh, my God. I love your tits.
I love your fucking tits so much.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck, take it out.
Oh, my fu-ckin' God.
[MARK REPETITIVELY GRUNTING, WOMAN GULPING]
MAN [OVER TV]: The fact that you believe it's gonna happen,
and some of that is delusion and some of that--
WOMAN: God bless you.
MAN: Some of that is just perseverance
and faith and all those good things
that people try not to believe in anymore,
but it works, and one day
something changes and you feel better.
WOMAN: And you hit it. I don't think it's a delusion at all.
Rolling Stone said maybe our next Richard-- Right?
MARK [OVER RECORDING]: I love your fucking tits so much.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck, take it out.
Oh, my God.
[MARK REPETITIVELY GRUNTING] [SCREAMS]
Come on, are you kidding me?
Oh, great. The-- My Clarks fit in with--
Vintage Nikes, those-- Just throw those on the--
Ow! You just hit me.
Those are my custom Chuck Tayl-- Ow!
You just hit me with a steel-toed boot.
Can I get some clothes, please?
Those are yours. That's a shoe. Oh, great. I'm not a millipede.
Okay, we're good for shoes. I'd like some pants.
Oh, for fuck sakes.
Are you--? Why are you filming this?
Do you wanna talk about what just happened?
Absolutely not.
Your wife just kicked you out.
Yeah? Well, maybe she's collateral damage too.
Don't film this.
I don't have anything-- BOY: That's him!
You. Kick my son in the nuts?
I don't know who that is.
That's him, Dad. Sure as shit.
MARK: Oh!
Get him!
Okay. This is a big man.
[MARK GROANS]
One more for the road, bitch.
[MARK CONTINUES GROANING]
[MAN GRUNTS AND BOY YELLS]
Fuck. Ugh.
Why didn't you have my back?
Ever heard of having a homey's back? Ugh.
See that guy sucker punch me? Yeah.
Oh, great. Now I'm that guy.
You know what a fight face is?
After every fight,
guys wanna look like they're not fazed,
so they'll go:
"Did you see that guy sucker punch me?
What a bitch."
But their adrenalin is pumping so much
that instead of going like this:
They go like this:
They go, "Do you see that guy sucker punch me?"
[LAUGHS]
It's a fight face.
[CHUCKLES]
Wish I had-- Do you have any weed?
No.
My balls still kill. Oh, dude.
Weed is good for that, I heard, and glaucoma.
I don't know. Hey, turn on the camera,
I got an idea.
All right.
[ddd]
Let's do a whole drug guide.
Cool.
He's getting older now.
He's gonna need to know the basics.
Hey, buddy, um,
don't eat ice cream when you're growing up, by the way.
I'm having this
because I was just in a fistfight
with some guy.
I wanna tell you about drugs.
Now, if you're 14 or something,
don't listen to this. You're too young.
If you're getting older and they're around,
don't do them,
but if you do do them, here's the basics:
Weed is good. It's funny,
it's bad for homework, and bad for your grades, okay?
It's for having sex and watching horror movies
and laughing with your friends.
It's not for doing homework,
and don't be stoned at school, okay?
Cocaine is fun, it's an easy way to get laid,
but it turns your dick into a baby sock.
Heroin is Russian roulette.
Every time you do it, you're just going,
"Gee, hope I don't die."
If you shoot it into your veins, you will die.
Have you--? Have you done heroin?
Of course I've done heroin.
Why would I be giving heroin advice if I haven't done it?
You don't believe me?
No. You just said that you'd die.
Let's get some heroin right now. Come on, we're getting heroin.
[DOORBELL CHIMING]
WOMAN: Hello.
Hey, is Gary there?
He's at work. Who's this?
He's at work? Where? Is he back at the restaurant?
Who is this?
[MARK BLATHERING]
GARY: Okay, great. No, no, no. You--
No filming here, okay? Sorry. Gary. Mark?
Comedian? Arsenio?
Holy shit, Mark!
My God. Didn't recognize you with the beard.
Weird, eh? You look good.
You look amazing.
It's been a long time, man.
Holy shit. Is this your kid? No.
Dude, are you famous now?
I'm still doing comedy,
but I'm not partying as much, I'll tell you that.
Yeah? Good, man. Me too. Me too. I got clean.
I just had my big chocolate cake last week.
Tasted really good, man. I'm-- It's a whole new life for me.
Yeah. You want a cappuccino?
They have the best cappuccino.
I'll get you some. You take a guido pill?
You're Mr. Italiano now.
You-- Come on, I'm half-Italian. You didn't know?
I'm mezzo Italiano. MARK: Hey.
This place kind of brings it out of me.
MARK: Get the fuck out of here.
"Hey, get the fuck out--" Ha, you're funny still, man.
That's bad. Why?
In NA, cokeheads get vanilla cake
and junkies get chocolate cake,
but not after being clean for a long time.
That's great. No.
Alrighty. Alrighty. Alrighty. Hey.
Hey, I gotta say, man,
seeing someone from the old days,
it's weird, right? So weird.
Fucking weird.
It's bringing back some memories too, you know? I'm--
We used to do some wild shit, he and me, you know?
Really fucked-up shit.
How old are you? Twenty-two.
I can speak in front of him?
It depends what you're gonna say.
Remember Linda Kim?
Oh, her tits.
Linda Kim's tits, they were these fucking--
They-- They were long. MARK: Yeah.
They drooped down, like, beneath her pussy.
I was titty-fucking her,
she leaned forward, I'm like, "What the fuck?"
I looked down, she put my dick
into her pussy through her fucking tits.
I was titty-fucking her.
It was fucking amazing.
She died-- You know, she died last year.
What?
Yeah. She choked to death.
What are you talking about?
On a fucking dick. I don't keep track of Linda Kim.
Man. Shit.
How's the cappuccino? Best in the world, right?
It's-- Could you get us heroin?
What's that?
It's for this documentary we're doing.
You're making a documen--
That's some Arsenio shit right there, right?
That's some new material. That's very funny.
Not so much, really. But--
I'm not kidding.
You came here to get heroin from me, Mark?
That shit almost killed me. I'm not gonna get you fucking--
What do you want heroin for?
It's hard to explain.
We just thought we'd get some contacts
and we would go do it, not you.
I got rid of all my contacts when I got sober, man.
I'm-- I am happily clean.
I think you should leave, okay? I'm sorry.
Cool. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry.
We'll just-- We'll go to the park
and we'll figure it out eventually.
You're not gonna go to the park.
Chicken walkers cut that shit with rat poison,
it could kill you.
We're big boys, okay? We can do this.
You're not gon--
Ah, Gesu Cristo.
Okay, I don't have their number anymore,
but I know these guys, they live on Flatbush,
but you cannot go there by yourself. They'll kill you.
Flatbush? By Rita's old place? Yeah.
Your house? Your old house?
I stayed in the house for two months without leaving.
I can see how you thought I lived there.
MARK: Wow.
That's perfect now.
Listen to me, listen to me.
You cannot go there by yourself. I--
They will fucking end you.
They've killed men in that house.
All right.
Mar-- Come on. You're not going.
All right. Sure.
Good. So you're not gonna go.
Look, we got this.
Thank you so much for helping out.
Okay. You know, but-- We were never here.
I shouldn't have fucking said anything, man.
We appreciate your help. You're not gonna go, right?
You look good.
Imagine this never happened, okay?
Poof! Big cloud of smoke.
Arrivederci.
Thank you.
God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can.
Ah, motherfucker.
GARY: Don't look at 'em. Don't look at 'em.
All right, this is it. So, guys, just-- Just--
I'm gonna go get your fucking drugs.
I want you to stay here. Don't move.
Do not fucking make eye contact with anybody, okay?
And don't bring your camera out. These people feel disrespected,
they will swarm you, they will surround you, beat you,
spit in your mouth. They'll take turns.
It's like a dominance thing, I don't understand it.
All right.
So--
Are you kidding me?
Bundles, fool. Give me a fuck--
Yes.
Fuck.
This turned into a weird fucking day, man.
It did, right?
Man.
BRYAN: Man, this is so fucked-up.
I know. I wish you could get this.
I wish you had hidden cameras in your backpack.
I don't care about the filming, dude.
What we're doing here,
why we're here,
who we're giving money to, it's just fucked.
Will you stop being such a fucking pussy?
A man is only as good as his word, right?
I said I was gonna do something, I followed through.
It's called character.
You're learning a lesson here today.
[GARY CLEARS THROAT]
Open your hand.
There's your heroin, all right? Thank you.
Clean cut. Welcome. You're a good man.
You're a good boy. Holy fuck.
Don't look at 'em. Don't look at 'em. Don't look at 'em.
BRYAN: We can do this here, but if my roommate comes back,
he's gonna freak.
Okay. Turn the camera on.
Hello, son. This is heroin.
If you do this, you'll be like me, and I'm dead.
We've got about one, two, four, six, eight, nine?
We've got nine bags here for some reason.
And most junkies would do
this whole bundle in one session and be dead.
So I'm gonna show you just from a key bump
how bad and how evil this drug is.
Haven't done this in a long time.
Okay, watch this.
Oh, that's a big one.
[SCATTING]
It makes you say weird things because it stings.
I want to know what the things that I said are.
They might be Chinese.
And our buddy, Bryan, is gonna do a little bump too.
I'm not doing that.
It's my dying wish.
I gave you a dying wish last night.
No, I said, "I think that was one of my dying wishes."
You didn't. You didn't. I said "wishes."
Wishes. You said "wish."
Yeah, but it's one of those words, listen.
My dy-- I have a lot of dying wishes.
That's not how you say "wishes."
Wishes. No. That's not how you say "wishes."
No, you say it clear. You have good diction.
Wishes. I'm kind of sloppy when I talk and I go:
"Hey, I have a lot of dying wishes."
Well, it doesn't matter.
I gave you a dying wish last night. It's--
I'm dying.
Is there any chance at all that that could give me an overdose?
No.
[SNIFFS THEN COUGHS]
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you should feel the nod in about five seconds or so.
It's really evil.
[BRYAN SNIFFING]
d Every morning's Another chance d
I'm gonna puke.
Film this.
d Owning nothing In the world d
d Maybe then a lightness Will come to you d
Oh, it's not that bad, actually.
d Come d
d To you d
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Um, Bryan?
What are--? What are you doing?
What the fuck?
What is--?
Who is this old dude? Shut up!
Bryan, you're not being a very good roommate right now,
and I would really appreciate it if you could please--
BRYAN: What the fuck?
Oh, I'm hungry.
Try some of this. It's space food.
No.
It's like eating a steak.
Hey. Gary?
Jesus Christ, Gary. What happened?
You know, man, I'm just standing here.
No, no, no. What the fuck happened to your face?
My face?
You're all fucked-up. Your lip's split open.
Oh, man, the guy-- Yeah, these guys--
They came out of nowhere and they fucking beat me up, man.
They took my shit. What guys?
The dealers from the other day, man.
One of them spat in my mouth, man.
It fucking sucked.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Bryan, turn the camera on now. You need to learn this.
This is called having your homey's back
and doing what's right.
Hey, hey, hey.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
d Express yourself Express yourself d
d Put your Put your back in it d
d Put your, put your Put your back in it d
d Put your Put your back in it d
d Put your, put your Put your back in it d
d Now, put your, put your Put your, put your d
d Put your back in it Bend over, touch the floor d
d Get your, get your, get your Get low, now d
What's up, niggas?
[HIP HOP SONG CONTINUES]
No!
[GRUNTING]
No!
BRYAN: No, no, no!
Fucking Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!
[GRUNTING]
[MARK YELLING]
What do you think you're gonna do, huh?
You stupid motherfucker!
What the fuck?
[MARK GROANING]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]
Heh. Look at my shirt. It's totally spotless.
Fuck your shirt.
We could've died back there.
I know. Don't you feel alive?
I've never felt more alive.
How did I end up here?
How did I end up with this fucking fool?
How did you trick me into listening to you?
I'm done. What?
We gotta finish.
Finish what?
They have the camera.
Finish this fucking bullshit project
that's just ruining people's lives?
Come on, man, don't be a coward.
Be a man.
Be a man? Be a fucking man?
You just got your friend back on junk!
You lost your job and your wife
who's not even gonna tell your son about you!
You thought she was gonna show him these tapes?
Why would she do that?
You'd be a fucking awful father.
If you are my dad, I'm glad you were never around.
Having you for a father would be worse than no father at all.
[POLICE SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE]
[ISLAND'S "THIS IS NOT A SONG" PLAYING]
[COINS RATTLE]
d If a penny rolls away d
d I will have lost Everything? d
That's how it was with Jeff Foxworthy, you know.
He was working, I don't know, real estate or some boring job
and then he tells his wife, "I wanna do comedy."
And she supports him.
They probably have a tough time,
and I think they even had kids at the time.
But he kicks ass and the next thing you know,
he's got the Blue Comedy comedy tour.
MARK: He's got his own cable guy.
He's even in that shit movie Cars.
Is there any more of this?
MAN [OVER TV]: Well, it is time to choose.
Will it be Ayel, who is a pyromaniac,
smokes marijuana every day... Gross.
and slept with her male friend's girlfriend?
Man, let's get out of here.
And go where?
Let's go to a bar.
Let's pick up some fucking chicks, man.
Pick up chicks?
Man, we live in New York City,
why are we sitting here watching TV?
A man who searches in haste will never be found.
Once you discover yourself,
it is they who will be picking you up.
You sound like a fat chick trying to be sexy.
Fuck off.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
[ISLAND'S "THIS IS NOT A SONG" CONTINUES]
Sandwiches are big.
Whoa.
Must have been easy to invent shit back then.
Hero sandwich.
Can I get a beer? What do you want?
Can I see your wine list? Thanks.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
So, uh...
Thanks.
Hmm. Listen, there's something
I've been meaning to talk to you about.
Um... the other day,
when you and that old guy were passed out--
Oh, man, I don't even hang out with him anymore.
That's good. I don't want people like that in my life.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man.
I really barely remember it, I was so fucked-up on heroin.
Yeah.
Heroin? Yeah. It's crazy.
It's-- I mean, it's a really long story.
Uh-huh.
Just so you know, um,
hard drugs in my apartment,
kind of a no-no.
Wait, in your apartment?
You know if a cop saw that,
then I'm an accessory to, like, literally...
fuck.
What are you talking about?
What are you even saying right now?
And another thing, it's not your apartment.
It's my apartment.
I invited you to live with me.
Here we go with a classic Capricorn overreaction.
Classic.
I want you to move out.
To what?
No. Listen, I don't think you're understanding me right now.
What I'm saying--
No. I understand perfectly.
I don't wanna be around you anymore.
You're moving out.
[SCOFFS]
No, I'm not.
You can't make me. Heh.
Okay, there's two ways this can go down.
Option one:
you pack your shit up and move out.
Option two: I beat your ass right now
and then you pack your shit up and you move out.
What if I want option two?
Well, that's a great option.
I actually prefer that option.
Do you wanna have a short one here in the bar
or you like to go outside and have a real fight?
Fuck you, man.
You're a idiot!
Oh, so you don't want to fight?
I thought you just said you wanted to fight me.
Did you hear that guy?
He called me "a idiot."
BOTH: Heh-heh. I know.
It's ironic because it's such an idiotic thing to say.
Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[POP SONG PLAYING]
I should've known he was a douche
when he started talking about astrology.
[CHUCKLES]
You know what?
I'm, like, borderline obsessed with that shit.
But even I have to admit that when guys are into it,
it's, like, really not a good look.
Right? I mean, it's a game that guys should just not play.
It's like hopscotch.
[BOTH LAUGH]
And I don't think girls actually believe in it, either.
If you're in love with me,
it's not like you wouldn't marry me because I've--
You found out I was a Scorpio or something.
Oh, so we're getting married now?
No. No, I mean, we're not getting married
for, like, a year.
[SCOFFS]
What happened to your eye?
[MOANING]
[ISLAND'S "THIS IS NOT A SONG" PLAYING]
d Why do I find it So hard d
d To move on d
d Feels a crime d
I thought I could help people, you know.
I just ended up fucking up everybody's life.
Fucked up my own life.
I'm like the King Midas of shit.
Everything I touch turns to puke.
It's actually good that I'm dying.
The world would be better off without me.
My son won't know what a fuck-up I am.
Was.
Are you gonna eat that?
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I just realized something really important.
And I have to do it
and I'll be right back, I promise.
Trust me.
Where are you going?
[ISLAND'S "THIS IS NOT A SONG" CONTINUES PLAYING]
[BRYAN PANTING]
Mark?
Mark.
Wake up. You were right. Mostly.
No, you were right.
I'm a total deadbeat.
You're better off without me.
No. No, I'm not.
You were right about girls and about how to dress
and about following your dreams and not taking shit.
Oh, and also astrology.
You were right about your character
and making your word mean something.
Really?
Yeah.
[PANTING]
This is you.
Okay.
So this is what you taught me.
Yeah. I'm an idiot.
It's all a pile of shit.
No, it's not. It's not.
Just this little piece.
This piece here. You see this?
That's collateral damage.
That's shit.
Because that says:
"Do whatever you need to do to get the job done.
Fuck people over. Do whatever it takes."
That's not what a man does.
A man takes responsibility for his actions.
All of his actions.
That part's bad.
But all this is good.
Oh.
All this is good?
Don't do that.
You started this thing thinking you knew everything.
And I've learned a lot from you,
but I also learned what not to do.
So now you can learn from that.
Do you get it?
[CHUCKLES]
That's a trip.
Because now, I'm learning something from you.
Put that shit down.
Come on, buddy. Get up.
[SIGHS]
So the other day,
I was reading this message board.
This guy made a post
where he was working on a documentary.
And he's working with an older guy.
Oh, yeah?
He doesn't know what to do. He's feeling all complicated
because he's getting all these feelings.
Yeah.
And he's been working with this guy
so long now that he, like--
He really wants to fuck him.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
That's so stupid.
I know. It's so dumb.
So the guy in the message board was asking if--
What he should do about this guy he wants to--
Old dude he wants to fuck?
Yeah.
So, what did everyone say he should do?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Dude.
You're gonna get your wife back.
I know. Yeah. Right now.
You gotta go tell her the truth. Never lie, remember?
She doesn't wanna see my face right now.
Since when do you just give up?
You know, Zach Braff made this movie
where he camps out on this girl's--
Yeah, The Last Kiss.
So Zach Braff, he camped out on this girl's lawn for
three days.
Margs doesn't have a lawn.
Well, she's got a sidewalk. That's good enough.
[ddd]
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
Let's go. This one's all you.
I've got unfinished business.
Okay.
All right.
I can't believe you picked up that dog shit.
It wasn't dog shit.
[ddd]
Gary? Is this the methadone clinic?
Cool job, man.
Hey, buddy. Buddy.
Can you spray me? I'm filthy.
Aah! Get the face.
[GRUNTING]
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna go get my wife back.
Do you know if you can get DNA samples from feces?
Why?
Do you have AIDS?
Okay. Wait, wait. No.
Ow, ow! My hand. My fingers.
I have cancer.
Is that some kind of joke?
What do you call that?
That's your nipple. No. That's my nipple,
that is a weird piece of gum. What did the doctor say?
Internet said I have six to eight months to live.
The Internet? Are you fucking stupid?
I was trying to record videos for our unborn son
so he'd have those when he got older to live by.
That's like the Michael Keaton movie that nobody saw.
He was not the first person to think of that.
I don't think he thought of it.
He was in it, and it was a stupid movie.
I started out doing videos for him as a young boy...
You're not dying. You didn't even see a doctor.
I'm dying, so I made a bunch of videos
to show our son what it's like to be a man.
Then he could watch those. When I started out,
I did normal stuff, like playground stuff,
and then as it got older, I got into the party scene
and I kind of got sucked in. Yeah.
Yeah. You face-fucked a little girl in a bathroom.
I am so sorry.
Is she alive? What happened to her?
She's probably fine.
I saw the tape. It looks like a snuff film.
Look, what's important is, I let you down
at the most important time of our lives,
and I'm so fucking sorry about that, Margs.
I don't expect you to forgive me, okay?
I'll move next door.
I'll earn my place back into your heart, okay?
I'll do everything right, I'm gonna be there for him,
whether you forgive me or not, okay?
You do that on your own time.
I'm gonna be better.
I'm gonna be a real man.
Eventually, it's gonna get back to like it was when we would--
When we first Frenched.
Maybe you wanna French a little tiny bit right now.
[ddd]
[INAUDIBLE]
Fuck off, you fucking fucker!
[MARK GROANING]
[ddd]
My water just broke.
It went up my nose. Oh, it burns.
DOCTOR: You're doing great, Margot. Gonna be just a few more hours.
Hang in there, okay?
[MARGOT PANTING]
Hey, Doctor. Doctor.
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Paging Dr. Bender...
I know you're busy and everything,
but I have this lump on my breast
and WebMD says that it's breast cancer.
Are you trying to be funny? No.
I know this isn't exactly your department--
You don't have breast cancer.
Did you drink my fucking apple juice?
[JUICE BOX THUMPS]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[MARGOT SCREAMING]
Push. I can see the head. Fuck!
DOCTOR: One more push, Margot.
MARGOT: No, no, no!
Get this fucking thing out of me! Fuck!
[MARGOT SCREAMING]
[BABY CRYING]
It's a girl.
Whoa.
You wanna cut the umbilical cord?
Uh...
No. You-- You do it.
d What do, what do, what do What do I do? d
[POP SONG CONTINUES]
[CRYING]
It really is. You can see the vagina and the genitalia.
d What do, what do, what do What do I do? d
[FLATFOOT'S "COURAGE" PLAYING]
d Check one, Check one two d
People talk so much shit on Merlot,
and I'm like, "It's a good wine."
d Born to a fighter On the deep South side d
I'm gonna do white Pinot. What about you?
d The cost of a family Meant your blood and tears d
d Fourteen hours In a world of gears d
d Your daughter, your son The joy of your life d
d They're all that remain of Your cherished wife d
Hey. Heh.
I've got-- I'm-- I'm making a painting.
Are you--? Are you recording me?
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
d These heroes They last through time d
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
Mwah.
So have you seen your kid's dick?
Did you look at it or, like, stare at it or--?
It's a girl, so... Oh, okay.
d But because of your example You inspired me d
d Sacrifice In the midst of pain d
I swear, you look so familiar.
I get that a lot. Because you're so pretty.
Oh, shut up. You have a gorgeous mouth.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
d You carried it With you when you came home d
d Every day was A courage fight d
d A colored soul In a world of white d
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
d These heroes They last through time d
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
d A champion Of the daily grind d
d Not because of A movie or a magazine d
d But because of Your example you inspired me d
[BABY FARTS]
d Sacrifice in the midst Of pain d
d You bring a tear in my eye When I hear your name d
Delicious.
d Go d
d Courage It means something to me d
d These heroes They last through time d
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
d A champion Of the daily grind d
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
d These heroes They last through time d
d Courage, your name means Something to me d
d A champion Of the daily grind d
d Not because of a movie Or a magazine d
d But because of your example You inspired me d
d Sacrifice in the midst Of pain d
d You bring a tear to my eye When I hear your name d
[ddd]