[kissing and panting]
[moaning]
[alarm beeping]
-Oh--
we missed our window.
-Plenty of windows are out there.
[giggling]
[baby crying]
-Keenan doesn't have a snooze button, does he?
-Um, yeah, actually.
Right behind his left ear.
Don't kill him, all right?
-Oh, no.
No, no.
We're gonna make a sleeper out of him.
OK.
All right.
I got this.
[laughing]
-OK, give Daddy his glasses back.
Give me-- give me the glasses.
Yeah.
Ahh!
Ow, ow--
give Daddy his glasses back.
Give Daddy his glasses back.
Mwah!
Thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
-You look sharp.
-Mm, I didn't have time to iron.
-Well, I can't tell.
No coffee for you.
Oh, you know what?
You're gonna need gas.
-Oh, OK.
Got money?
-I missed out.
Yeah.
Can you take him?
-Yeah.
Hi, baby.
-OK.
Gas money, gas money.
-[mutters]
-Love you, buddy.
-Say bye to Dad.
-Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
OK.
Hey.
Are you going to have time to talk to Doug
about the raise today?
-Yeah, I'll talk to him today.
-OK.
Love you.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
-Let me know how it goes.
-Bye, Keenan.
I will.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Yo, Craig.
Doug wants to see you.
-Hey, Craig.
How you doing, buddy?
Yeah, yeah.
Good.
How's everything?
Audrey good?
Listen, uh, we're downsizing a little bit, so--
[slow music playing]
CRAIG (ON PHONE): Hey, babe.
I just wanted to let you know I'm going to be a little late.
I'm gonna go grab a drink with Enrique after work.
So I'll see you tonight.
Love you.
Bye.
-Oh, god.
-Give me your money.
-Oh, shit.
-Give it all to me, Craig Daniels.
-Lake--
[cackling]
-Oh, Vince.
Oh my god, man.
You scared the shit out of me.
-Well, you gotta watch your back, brother.
How many times have I told you that?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Look at you, man.
I haven't seen you in a minute.
Hey, whatever you're drinking I'm buying, OK?
-Thanks.
No, actually I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get home.
-Are you kidding me?
I haven't seen you in five years.
I'm not letting you leave without a drink.
-Really, five years?
-Five years, man.
One drink.
-Yeah, OK.
Yeah, I'll have another one.
-Yeah, my man.
Um, whatever he's having, and, uh, Jameson
on the rocks, please.
Wow.
What the fuck are you doing here, man?
I mean, you're obviously looking for trouble, right?
[chuckling]
-Oh my god.
-Oh, yeah.
-You're married?
No way.
-Yeah.
-You got kids too?
-Yeah, I have a 15-month-old son.
-Wow.
-Want to see his picture?
-Yeah.
Yeah, show me the little bugger.
-His name's Keenan.
-Wow.
Keenan, huh?
I mean, he looks just like you.
-Yeah.
Same hairline.
[laughter]
-And that's-- that's-- that's your wife?
-That's Audrey, yeah.
-She's beautiful, man.
-Thanks.
-Congratulations.
Busy five years, huh?
-Yep.
-So let me guess.
You got a house up in Silver Lake, a couple of bulldogs
running around.
-Yeah.
-A little office where you do all your writing.
You still writing?
-Yeah.
-Wow.
-So, um, you got any pictures in your wallet?
-No, no.
Not me.
No.
I got a couple pictures in my phone, but you probably don't
want to see those.
Do you want to see those?
-No.
[laughter]
-Oh, fuck.
I--
I've been creeping on this thing over here for a little
while, man.
That's-- that's a dime, right?
What do you think it takes to lock something
like that up, huh?
House in the hills and a Mercedes, probably.
-I wouldn't know.
-No, you wouldn't.
You're off the market for good now.
One piece of ass for the rest of your life?
You kidding me?
-Yeah, when you're in it, you don't even really think about
it.
-Not me.
As soon as I get in it, I'm already thinking
about the next one.
[chuckling]
-Oh--
-So I see, uh, work's keeping you busy?
-Oh--
yeah.
Yeah.
-You paying the bills OK?
-Yeah, I mean, I get by.
You know.
I'm--
I'm not rich, but--
-Let me ask you something.
When you--
when you go to collect money, right, like--
how-- how's it go down?
Like, how does that work?
-What-- what do you mean?
-Well, like, does it always have to get violent?
Can you sometimes maybe talk to them, or
like, intimidate them?
I don't know.
I'm asking.
-You owe me some money, buddy.
Remember?
You have a gambling problem.
Time to pay.
Why-- no--
I don't-- why you asking?
-No, I'm just--
-Are you, like, researching a book or something?
What--
-No, no.
-What's going on?
-I'm in trouble, man.
-OK.
-We got an eviction notice this morning, and, uh, if I
don't pay in a few days, we're gonna be on the street.
-Fuck.
-I don't have a job since, like, an hour ago, so--
-I'm sorry, man.
Look, I--
I can help you out.
I got a couple hundred bucks.
-Look, I need 4,500.
-Yeah, that's-- that's a little rich for my blood.
So that's-- that's why you're asking?
You're looking for work?
-Oh, no, no, no.
No, just curious.
-Yeah.
You know, Craig, I once broke a guy's arm for $80 while his
daughter watched.
You think you're capable of doing something like that?
God, don't get so heavy.
-I'm not.
I'm cool.
-My god, you got so depressed over the last five years.
-No, it's good.
It's good.
I, uh--
I'm gonna go drain.
-All right.
-I'll be right back.
-Yeah.
Craig Daniels.
God damn.
[snorting]
-Sorry.
What's up?
-Hey Craig.
These guys want to buy the next round, man.
Come on, saddle up.
They were just looking for a little company.
-Hey.
Party, party.
Cool.
All right.
You guys like tequila?
-Um, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
-Bartender, three shots of your finest tequila, please.
You know-- wait-- hold--
I'm sorry.
Uh, just, matter of fact, give me the whole bottle.
And the cranberry juice.
-Yeah?
What are your names?
-I'm Colin.
This is my wife, Violet.
-Hey, how you doing?
I'm Vince.
-Vince?
All right.
-Craig.
It's Violet's birthday today, so we thought we'd
go out on the town.
You know, get a little crazy.
-Happy birthday.
-Right?
-Thanks.
There she is.
Put it right there.
-You sure?
This is a $300 bottle of tequila.
-Oh, my.
Oh, this is embarrassing.
Uh--
uh-- yeah, it's fine.
What's your name?
-Caren.
-Caren with a K or a C?
-C.
-There you go, Caren with a C.
-Thanks.
-The glasses come with?
Oh, good.
Gentlemen.
To my amazing wife, Violet.
The past six months have been so fucking awesome.
I love the shit out of you.
-Love you too.
-All right, to Violet.
Oh.
God damn.
-That's smooth.
-Yeah, it's all right.
I have this bottle at home.
It used to belong to Pancho Villa.
It cost me, like, what, $10,000.
-What?
-Yeah, isn't that crazy?
Uh, so anyway-- what do you guys-- what do you
guys do for a living?
Do you, like, uh, work at a car wash or something?
-Oh, you mean because of the monkey suit?
-Well, I didn't-- no offense.
I assumed manager.
-No, no, no.
We're just old friends catching up,
having a couple of drinks.
-Right on.
Old friends is good.
-Yeah.
No, we used to skateboard together.
We played music in high school.
-You guys go way deep.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
No, simpler times.
Yep.
-Occasionally.
-Mystery man.
Occasionally.
Ber.
Bum.
You should be wearing a suit and a tie or something.
This guy-- ruh-ruh ruh-ruh-ruh.
A very proper man.
Oh, uh, Violet--
we should, uh, take some candids.
Take some-- take some pictures.
We should document this, right?
-OK--
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Come on.
-All right, you want to take some pictures?
OK.
Yeah, sure.
-Say cheese.
-Cheese.
Oh god, that's bright.
Oh.
-Let me get in there.
-You want another one?
OK.
-Here we go.
-One, two, three.
-All right.
Did you take it?
How's it look?
Ooh.
Mm.
Oh, here we go.
-What?
What's going on?
-We got this little bet going.
You see that old dude at the bar?
Every time he checks out the bartender's ass, Violet wins.
Every time he checks out her tits, I win.
Motherfucker.
-Wait, wait.
And that-- that's $100 every single time?
-Yeah, it's not, like, a serious bet or anything.
-We have fun.
I got an idea.
Here we go.
Idea man.
All right, whichever of you fellas does this
shot first gets $50.
Boom.
-$50?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): $50.
-Wait, what?
-Oh.
Wins.
Meanwhile-- wait, what?
Pay attention.
-That was short-lived.
Here you go, buddy.
-What are you doing?
No no, he didn't even do a shot.
-No, it's all right.
He--
-No, that's your money.
-All right.
I won't argue.
-Gotta play by the rules, guys.
That's the only way to have fun.
Shot game.
You are a misfit.
What island are you from?
[laughter]
-Ah--
-There he is.
Aww.
Fuck you, we're not gonna start.
One dart, face.
-On his face?
-$50.
-All right.
All right.
Here it goes.
Ready?
-Oh!
-Oh, come on!
So close.
-Oh my god.
Hold on.
Check her out.
There.
-Who?
-Black dress.
-Oh god.
No, that's-- that's a rough stretch woman right there.
-Pfft.
-It's really rough.
OK, here we go.
All right, um, $200 to anyone who gets her so pissed she
slaps your face.
-$200?
-200.
You want to take this?
-I don't know.
-Look, if you don't step up, I'm gonna, man.
That's 200 bones.
-All right.
-She's just gonna slap you.
She's just gonna slap you.
-Hey.
-Yeah?
What?
-What?
-What-- what-- what the fuck do you want, creep?
Huh?
-Did you-- did you go to Parkside?
I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else.
I'm sorry.
-He's walking back.
-Walking back.
-He's walking back.
He's walking back.
-All right, you know what?
Watch the master at work.
OK?
Excuse me.
-Oh!
[laughter]
-Pay up, brother.
-How'd you get her to do that?
-I told her I'd buy her a drink if she
slapped me in the face.
[groaning]
-What?
-It's a little bit of a cheat, but I'm gonna let it slide.
I'm gonna let it slide.
-Whoa, put that shit away.
-Sh.
Dude, there's enough for everyone.
-No, no, no.
Take it in the bathroom or something.
-Hey, I am--
I am comfortable here.
That bathroom stinks, all right?
-Oh, she's coming.
She's coming over now.
-Hey, you guys can't do that here.
[snorting]
-Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Caren--
let me fix this.
It feels broken to me.
Here.
That's like a curtain.
You can't even see over here, right?
Caren.
You's the best.
Thank you, Caren.
[chuckling]
-All right, can I--
-Please, hit it.
-Oh, yeah.
-Where are we going next?
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): You want to move-- move camp?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
-Um, ooh--
I know a really good strip club.
Are you all right strip clubs?
It's a really classy joint.
-Yes.
-She's OK with that?
Want to get a couple lap dances, buddy?
-No, no, no.
I gotta go home.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Boo, Craig.
-For real?
That's not--
for real?
You know what you need?
You need to get a little intoxicated with a buddy of
yours that you haven't hung out with in a
very, very long time.
That's exactly what you need.
-That's exactly right.
You want to hurt feelings?
It's Violet's birthday.
Look at her crying.
She wants you to say.
-All right, I will hang out for just a little bit longer.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Yes.
-But that's it.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Get over here and hit this.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): That's really nice, man.
-No, no, no.
I'm not having any of that.
I'll get diarrhea.
[techno music]
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): This place is bullshit, man.
-This place is fucking awesome.
-No touching.
Come on.
Tell you what, I'll give you $200 whoever touches that
stripper's ass with a slap.
-Oh, come on.
-$200?
-Yeah.
No.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, shit.
Let's go, baby.
[laughing]
-That was too good.
-How about we laugh about it in the car, all right?
-Come on, slow down, Turbo.
-No, look-- never mind.
You know what, Vince?
It was great catching up with you.
Nice meeting you guys.
But I really--
I gotta get home.
-Oh, come on, Craig.
Are you kidding me, Craig?
Come on.
-Hey.
Assholes.
-What are you doing?
What's up?
-You the one who hit one of our girls?
-No, I didn't do it.
It wasn't me.
I swear to God.
-You lying piece of shit.
I'll fuck you up.
-Craig, $500 if you hit him first.
Oh!
[groaning]
-Aw--
Oof.
Shit.
Aw, shit.
[distant voices]
[strumming guitar]
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, that's awesome.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): That's--
did you just--
did you just make that up?
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): I was just following her.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Go in, like, from the outside.
Like, from the inside here like bath--
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Uh-huh.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): So you wouldn't be
able to hear outside.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Oh, nice.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): So we do have a set at the studio.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Nice.
Oh, that's good.
-Here he is.
-Hey.
Sleeping beauty.
-Where are we?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Hey, you dropped like a souffle, dude.
So we had to split before the cops got there.
We thought, you know what?
Let's just bring him here, get you cleaned up.
I got some sick painkillers for you too.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): He's got this place dialed in, man.
There's, like, 1,000 years of scotch in here right now.
-Here.
Here.
Hold on, hold on.
I got it, I got it.
[too loud music]
-Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
I forgot.
Sorry.
Here you go.
Hey, I'm proud of you.
You hit him first.
-I didn't think I was gonna get in a fight tonight, man.
-You know what?
I--
I don't think that you can necessarily call
that a fight, brother.
Here, that'll make you feel better.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): But you know what?
That was awesome.
that was--
that was bad-ass is what it was.
It was so awesome.
This--
here's the thing.
You will never forget this night, you know, or who you
were with--
me and Vince and Violet.
I mean, even if you never see us again, you will
never forget us.
I think that's some awesome shit.
I mean, I--
I honestly think about shit like that all the time.
-Yeah!
Give him a yeah!
-I just want to go home.
[vibrating]
-Hey, uh--
I'm gonna get those painkillers.
I've got, like, a straight up pharmacy here.
Actually, my brother's a real pharmacist.
But it doesn't matter.
All right, roll with me, Vince.
-He owes you one.
[laughing]
-I can email these to you later.
Here, let me get something to clean you up a bit.
-OK.
-Now, I mean, he's not-- he's not gonna like that very much.
-Come on, buddy.
It's gonna be hilarious.
-(CHUCKLING) OK.
All right.
OK.
-All right, let me-- give me--
I'm gonna grab some party favors.
-Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Ta-da.
-Wow.
Oh my god.
You sure know how to party, huh?
-Right?
-Yeah.
That's-- that's a whole tackle box.
-We'll catch some fish with this.
[laughter]
-It's OK.
Don't worry about it.
I appreciate you trying to help me out.
-I'll try and be more gentle.
Have you ever broken anything before?
-Uh, just my foot.
I was trying to do some stupid skateboarding trick some time.
-What did it feel like?
-I don't even remember, really.
-I used to watched the older kids in my neighborhood
skateboard when I was a little girl.
-Yeah?
-There was this one boy that I sort of had a crush on.
He was always trying harder than all the others.
And I remember one time he was trying to do this trick.
And they had set up a jump on the curb.
He was trying to pick up speed.
And this SUV whipped around the corner.
I didn't actually see it happen, but I heard it.
The sound that it made when it hit him.
It was so strange.
It sounded like--
like branches snapping.
It sounded like he was made out of wood.
-So the first thing they see that allows them the
right to meet you.
Here you go.
This should do it.
-What is it?
-Uh, I think they're Percocets.
I think.
But nothing a doctor wouldn't prescribe.
So you're fine.
In the clear.
[snorting]
-[whispers]
-All right, gang.
Let's-- let's head outside.
-Yeah.
-Come on.
I want to show you something.
-Come on, Craig.
Come on, you got a little patched up?
Move it, buddy.
Ooh.
-Killer view, right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I have a-- another place by the water in Palos
Verdes and a condo in Malibu.
But this is all--
this is all Violet's baby right here.
I just gave her the checkbook and I said, hey, whatever you
create are my desires.
And clearly she's doing it, right?
She put together every inch of it.
-What?
Oh, what the fuck?
[laughter]
-Fuck off.
-Craig, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come here.
Don't be like that.
Come here, man.
Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
-Oh, what are you gonna take a shit on me now?
Get the fuck out of here.
-Relax, man.
That was for $300, all right?
You would have done the same exact thing.
-Oh, yeah?
You think so?
-I'm gonna rob him.
-What?
-This fucking idiot has got a safe-full
of cash in his office.
I'm gonna take it.
-Are you insane, you fucking ape?
I just want to get out of here.
-There is, like, $150,000 in cash in there.
Now, for him, that's a drop in the bucket.
But for us, that's a whole new life, man.
Think about it.
-I'm not gonna rob him.
-OK, fine.
That's fine, but the last time I checked you needed money.
This right here, this is your opportunity.
-Yeah, my opportunity to get arrested.
He's seen our faces.
He knows our names.
-He's not calling the cops.
He's not gonna call them.
-That is a really crazy assumption.
No, it's not.
Not when you think about it.
Any fucking cop that isn't blind is going to take one
look at his dilated pupils and throw him in jail right
alongside of us.
He's not calling the cops.
Now look, I'm doing this either way.
Now, if you don't want to be a part of it, you should leave
right fucking now.
-Wait, wait, wait.
What am I supposed to do?
-Just hold the girl, all right?
I'll take care of the rest.
-You're not gonna hurt him, are you?
-No.
No, I'm not gonna fucking--
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): You guys jerking each other off in
there or something?
-Why, you want to come in here and watch?
Nobody's getting hurt.
Just grab violet and hold on tight.
-You bros kiss and make up?
-Yeah.
-Ding, ding.
-Ooh.
-Violet's got all of her music hooked up with the stereo.
So there's, like, 12,000 tunes we can listen
to on shuffle, right?
Play that crazy instrumental honey.
Oh you know, it's the one with the-- with the strings.
Ooh, or just play this one.
This is actually the better vibe.
Better for the vibe, actually.
Here's your cocktail.
Uh, are you girls done with the ladies room?
'Cause I gotta pee.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Colin--
well, I hate to do this to you.
-What the fuck, man?
-I'm gonna need all the money in that safe.
-Dude, this is fucking really stupid, all right?
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Now, you and I are gonna wait right here.
Craig's gonna get it for us, OK?
What's the combination?
-Combination?
I--
I don't--
-Look, don't fuck with me, OK?
-Dude, you fucking gotta chill, OK?
We got a good party going here, all right?
-Tell me the combination.
-I told you, I don't know it.
It's not locked, Vince.
-You fucking shitting me?
You expect me to believe that?
-I--
I can't remember the numerical sequence.
OK?
It was her birthday and then I changed it to her social.
I can't-- it's not fucking locked.
-It's a safe-full of cash.
-Well, I guess I--
I, uh--
I guess trust my bros too much, huh?
-You know what?
Hey Craig, you're gonna handle this.
Come here.
Just walk over to the couch.
Come on.
Sit down, sit down.
Sit down.
CRAIG (OFFSCREEN): What do I do with her?
-Just-- just put her on the couch next to him.
-OK.
Watch your--
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Don't do anything stupid.
-Uh-huh.
All right.
Whoa.
-You keep it unlocked?
What are you, fucking stupid?
Come on, bro.
Come on.
-Ah, fucking cock.
-What's taking so long, Craig?
-Give me a sec.
Let's go.
I got it.
-You got all of it?
-Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
-How much was in there?
-I don't know.
I didn't count it.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
-All right.
Yeah.
You know what, Colin?
I'm also gonna need those car keys.
-Oh, uh, I think they're on the shelf right over there.
-Fucking cool it.
Take a fucking moment.
-I just want to say, this was not my idea.
He came up with the idea.
I told him it was a bad idea.
-Shut it.
Let's all just chill for a fucking moment, all right?
Let's hit pause.
-(MUFFLED) Yeah.
-OK.
-Want to?
-Yeah.
-Hey, how about we pretend?
You want to pretend something?
Let's-- let's pretend.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): You're fake bullies.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, that's it.
Good, Vince.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): OK.
-Let's just pretend these last 15 minutes didn't
even happen, all right?
-What do you mean, dude?
We just tried to rob you.
-Yeah, that was really fucking lame.
That was really fucking stupid.
All right, listen, Violet and I haven't necessarily been
honest with you guys either, but we're willing to let
bygones be bygones, all right?
-OK.
Bygones are bygones.
We did not try to rob you.
I didn't just hold a knife to your throat.
-I know, Vince.
I just said fucking rewind.
That doesn't exist.
The past-- shut the fuck up.
The past is the past, all right?
We're in the present.
Didn't exist.
Let's start over.
Let's reset.
I'm cool with it.
Are you cool with it?
OK.
Guys, all right, so we're cool.
-We're cool.
-Let's push play.
-You're not gonna call the cops on us?
-I'm not gonna call the fucking cops, cross
my heart, all right?
-So-- what-- what the fuck is this, huh?
What the fuck is this?
-This is Violet's birthday, guys.
What am I gonna get this girl?
Look at her, she's a vision.
My God.
That girl's got everything.
She can but everything she wants.
You gotta think outside the box, guys.
So Violet and I came up with this idea
for an awesome night.
-You gonna find a couple of losers, you pay them a bunch
of money, and you laugh your asses off while they humiliate
themselves.
Awesome fucking night.
Happy birthday.
-Stop.
Come on.
Are you kidding me?
You guys aren't losers.
You're fucking awesome.
This has been a night, right?
This has been fucking amazing.
This is more-- this is more like a reality game show.
-What reality game show?
-You know, the game shows when they gobble,
like, animal dicks.
They make them do that.
Or put their head in a bucket of snakes or eat bugs, you
know, shit like that.
Except this isn't TV.
Right?
That and there's 250,000 tax-free dollars.
-$250,000?
-What?
This money's for us?
-Yeah, down.
-Fucking down.
-I'm down.
I'm down, Colin.
I'm down.
-Fucking stay down, Vince.
-OK.
OK.
-It's cool, bro.
It's cool.
-You gotta win it.
That's-- you know.
You know what's funny?
This money that was in the safe was for the fucking game.
And we were gonna give it to you, and you guys took it.
You know what that's like?
Um--
there's a word for it.
-Irony?
-Thank you.
Super irony is what it is.
Super fucking irony.
-What-- what do we have to do?
-Whatever we say.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): You're not-- you're not-- you're not
gonna call the cops on us?
-Call the cops on you?
No, I'm not gonna call the fucking cops on you.
-And we can leave whenever we want to?
-I'd be bummed.
I really would.
But you're free to go.
You're free to go.
You wouldn't get this.
-OK.
But let me tell you this, no matter how much money's in
that box, I am not sucking his dick.
-Oh--
no dudes boning dudes or blowing each other.
No.
You just have to do whatever we say.
Not that.
-All right.
So what-- what-- what-- do I gotta do?
-All right!
We're back.
Good decision.
How about this.
$500 to whoever can hold their breath the longest.
-That's it?
Yeah, I'm game.
Come on.
[ringtone]
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): There you go.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
I'm down.
I'm game.
I just hold my breath?
-Yeah, longer than he does.
-OK.
I'm going first.
You timing me?
-All right.
-Yeah, you ready?
-Yep.
-Craig, hey.
You said you were just going out for a drink.
It's 2:00 AM.
I'm sorry.
I, uh, lost track of time.
Enrique and I--
-I--
I talked to Enrique.
-Then I guess he told you what happened.
-Baby, look.
I'm not mad.
OK?
Just come home.
Just come home and we'll-- we'll figure it out.
Craig.
-I'm coming home.
Just give me 45 minutes.
Trust me.
-Craig, $300 to hang up the phone.
-Who is that?
-Listen--
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Now it's 200.
AUDREY (ON PHONE): Babe--
[beep]
-Aw, we gotta pay.
Oh shit, hold on.
Hold on.
Oh my god.
1:59, you motherfucker.
Holy shit.
Oh, you don't get a taste of this?
-What was that?
Why'd you just give him money?
-I gave him $200 to hang up on his wife.
He did it.
-$200?
What?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, yeah.
-All right, my turn now?
-Your turn, Craig.
Are you ready?
-Yeah.
-Three, two, one, go.
-That's--
that's not fair.
-What's not fair?
-You give--
-I get to decide.
-All right, how much-- how much time did I have?
-You were one minute, 58 seconds.
-OK.
-Oh.
-How you doing, buddy?
Huh?
You all right?
You know, it actually really starts to
hurt after one minute.
No, you know what?
I think he's about to blow.
-He actually looks better than you did at that point.
-Yeah, I think he's got this in the bag.
I saw this documentary where guys that dive for lobsters
can go, like, five minutes.
-What?
Huh, that doesn't help?
What?
What, it's just a little poke.
What, huh?
-Oh, shit, bitch.
He's going to reach you.
53, 54, 55--
oh shit!
-Ha, ha, ha!
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Oh!
-Fuck, Vince.
-Pay up.
-That got hairy.
-You serious?
You pay him?
He just cheated.
-I didn't set any rules.
-Relax, man.
We're just having fun.
-What's next?
-Oh, I like that.
Let's go back out front, shall we?
This-a-way.
Let's go this way.
Look at that.
You see that shit?
-That's shit.
-Yes, that's what I said.
That shit.
-Wait, you-- you want us to--
-No.
Eat it?
No.
No, no.
I want you to see that shit because
it's part of the story.
You see that house over there?
-Yeah.
-Those assholes always let their dog take
a shit on my lawn.
The other day I came out here to talk to the gardener.
I stepped in a pile of shit, wearing a brand new pair of
suede oxfords.
I was so fucking pissed.
They were ruined.
-OK, so?
-So I want revenge on the neighbors.
$800 to whoever can sit inside their house.
Photographic evidence required.
-That's crazy.
-All right, $1,200.
That's my final offer.
-Sure.
-I'm in.
-I like it.
Misfit.
-Craig, you-- you--
you really don't want to do this, do you?
-No, I don't want to take a shit in this person's house,
but I need the money.
My family needs the money.
-You know, this-- this-- this is breaking and entering.
That's minimum two-year sentence, just so you know.
-Hey, dummy.
We just held them at knifepoint, and this feels a
million times safer.
You're not backing out, are you?
-No.
No, no.
I'm not backing out.
Thanks to you and your shitty back up and the fact that you
never searched Violet, this stupid fucking game is the
only way I'm getting out of this house
with any real money.
So no, I'm not backing out.
-Just hold the girl.
I'll take care of the rest.
I remember that being your sole instruction to me.
-I've been arrested before, OK?
I've been through the system.
I know I can handle it.
You, on the other hand?
That's all I'm saying.
-Good luck, man.
[siren]
-You son of a--
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): You gotta-- you gotta
start writing lyrics.
You really have to.
OK, then just start journaling and then later turn it into
something, you know what I'm saying?
Hey, there he is.
Yo, you got something for me?
Oh, no.
Oh no, really?
Oh my god.
Look at-- you did it.
I can't-- baby, you want to see this?
-I'm good.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): What is that?
-All right, you know what?
So Craig, yeah, he took a shit in your neighbor's house.
Big fucking deal.
This little fucker's still gonna crap in your yard.
How about I take care of the actual problem
permanently, huh?
How much for that?
Five, $6,000?
-Uh, how about, uh, nothing?
Does that figure suit you OK?
-What?
-I'm not gonna pay you to kill a helpless dog.
-Yeah, but--
-What kind of sick birthday present would that be?
It's er birthday, Vince.
-So I--
I just did all of that for-- for nothing?
VIOLET (OFFSCREEN): Oh, cutie.
Oh, you are cute, aren't you?
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): That was really not fucking cool, what
you just did, man.
You could have really fucked me up over there.
CRAIG (OFFSCREEN): You fucking punched me in the stomach
before, man.
You fucking pissed on me out there.
-That is not the same thing.
-How is that not the same thing?
Think about it.
-Get your fucking finger out of my face, man.
-Come on, guys.
Ease up.
It's supposed to be a celebration.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): What are we doing next, huh?
-Keeping it moving, I like that.
How about--
-Where's my money?
-Oh, shit.
My bad.
100, 200, 300--
-I think we all know how this ends.
Can we just fast forward this part, please?
-As promised.
-What are we doing next, huh?
-I got it.
$300 to whoever can make me a vodka tonic first.
Three, two, one, go.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): One vodka tonic coming right up, sir.
Hey, uh, could you toss me one of those limes, brother?
All right.
-You OK?
You're really tense.
All coiled up.
So many knots.
I think you'd feel better if you let me fuck you.
-What?
What did she just say?
-Still waiting on that drink, Vince.
-Would you like that, Craig?
Would you like to fuck me?
-Are you hearing this right now?
-Yeah, I am.
What's the matter, Craig?
Why don't you want to fuck my wife?
She's hot, isn't she?
Don't you want to fuck her?
-You don't care?
-Why would I?
-It's cool.
We have an open relationship.
-Yeah, that's--
great, but my wife and I don't.
So--
-Hey, um, I--
I'd fuck you, Violet.
-Please, Craig?
I really want to.
-Look, uh, you're a lovely, you know, woman.
I'm flattered, really.
But I--
I just can't do that.
-Come on, Craig.
It's her birthday.
-Guys, I'm married.
It's not going to happen.
-Well, how about if I paid you to fuck her?
Would it be cool then?
-Paid me?
-Yeah, how about, uh, $2,000?
-This is some weird-ass shit, man.
-I can't believe I'm saying this.
Uh--
how about 4,500?
How does that number sound?
When I put the money in the wallet for-- for-- for
punching that dude, I saw the eviction notice.
Sorry for reading it, but shit, I mean,
it was right there.
-Oh my god.
-Please, Craig.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Obviously the guy doesn't want to.
OK?
I mean, cut-- cut-- cut him a break.
I'll fuck her for free, man.
-Cool it, Vince.
It's not gonna happen.
She's into married dudes.
What can I say?
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): That's some fucking bullshit.
-$4,500?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): All that.
-I love my wife.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Why don't you prove it, man?
Show her.
Get your family off the street.
Pay your rent, Craig.
Oh, that shit's hot.
-I'm gonna fucking come.
-I'm coming too, baby.
-Oh my god.
-Oh, fuck.
-Aw.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, fuck.
Oh--
[panting]
-Shit.
-What the fuck?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): -Ah, shit.
Oh fuck, baby.
Well fuck, man.
Things get a little sticky there, boys.
I might, uh, have to go downstairs and make a quick
wardrobe change.
Hoo.
Ahh.
We'll keep the game going.
Back in a flash, boys.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): You did not deserve that.
Not one bit.
[ringtone]
-I'm done.
-What do you mean done?
-I'm going home.
-Good.
Glad to see you go.
-Ah, shit.
-See you in five years, huh, buddy?
Don't forget to write.
-All right, bitches.
You ready to make some real money?
-Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
-Hm, would you like that?
Craig?
Where's Craig?
-Oh, no.
He peaced.
Yeah.
No, I think cheating on his wife really freaked him out.
Where's she going?
-He's gone.
-Well--
well, what's the problem, huh?
I mean, I'm still here, right?
We-- we can keep going, can't we?
-No.
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): Wow.
I'm feeling a little unloved right now, buddy.
-No, no, no.
You're boss, bro.
It's just that we-- we-- we hate breaking up the crew.
-That guy hasn't been part of the crew since fucking high
school, all right?
Come on, let's keep this going, huh?
What do you want me to do next?
Huh?
-Follow me.
Cut your pinkie off.
Is that not cool?
-Fuck you.
-Do or you don't, it doesn't matter to me.
It's your pinkie.
You use it for, like, nothing.
-What's the iron for?
-To cauterize the wound.
-How much is this worth?
-How much?
Yeah.
How much, he wants to know.
Let's think about it.
Let's say--
$25,000.
-$25,000?
To cut off my pinkie?
OK, I'll do it.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-That's cool.
OK.
-Yeah, I'll cut off my pinkie.
-Awesome.
-For $25,000.
CRAIG (OFFSCREEN): I'll do it for 23.
-Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
Are you shitting me?
Where the fuck have you been?
What are you, like, a ninja?
-I'll cut my pinkie off for $23,000.
-What the fuck is wrong with you, Craig?
-You don't get it, do you?
-No.
Look, you've already got your rent money, all right?
Let somebody else have a shot.
-That 4,500 takes care of my eviction problems, but only
this month.
What about next month?
My wife and I are both unemployed.
How do I pay my rent?
How do I feed my kid?
23 grand gives me some-- some breathing room.
So if I gotta cut my pinkie off for that,
fuck it, I'll do it.
-That's right, Craig.
You gotta think about the future.
-Yeah.
No, no.
But wait, wait-- what about me, huh?
Every time I go to work, I'm this close--
this fucking close to be thrown back in jail.
And I don't make that much money.
Not for what I fucking do.
-Nobody told you to drop out of high school.
You could have done anything you wanted, but you didn't
want to work for it.
Your life is exactly what you made it.
-Wow.
Fuck you.
I'll do it for 22.
-21.
-20.
And if you say another fucking word, I will knock you out.
-19.
-I said shut your fucking mouth.
18.
-All right.
-$15,000.
-Are you fucking crazy, man?
You're gonna cut off your pinkie for $15,000?
That's a finger.
-It's not like it's gone forever.
Even if costs me six grand to sew it back on, that's still
9,000 more dollars than when I woke up this morning.
-All right.
Fine, man.
If you want to mutilate yourself for
$15,000, go right ahead.
-All right.
Let's, uh--
let's get it ready.
Uh, OK.
This one, right?
-Oh, wait.
Could we do-- because I use that--
-Sure.
Yeah.
Your choice.
-Thank you.
That's nice of you.
-There you go.
Care to do the honors?
-It would be my pleasure.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You--
you don't want to do it, Colin?
-Sorry, dude.
Too gross.
-Let's put that right there.
OK?
I'm going to count to three.
One--
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Jesus Christ.
Hold on.
OK, I'm ready.
Are you ready?
-One.
-No, no, no.
Not yet.
Just are you ready?
-Yes, I'm ready.
Are you ready?
-Are you sure you don't want to do this instead of him?
-Sorry, bro.
-OK.
OK, OK, OK.
Go.
-One--
-Wait.
-What?
-I gotta check to make sure the iron's hot.
OK.
I--
I don't want blood everywhere.
CRAIG (OFFSCREEN): Jesus Christ.
-We're good to go.
-OK.
For real this time, all right?
-Oh yeah.
-Do it, Vince.
-One, two, three.
-Oh shit, bro.
You can't puss out on us now.
-I need something for the pain.
-What are you talking about?
He hasn't even done it yet.
-No, no.
Something to take away the pain, to numb it, to keep me
from feeling anything in the first place.
-Oh, uh--
you still got those pills I gave you?
-Yeah, one of them.
Somewhere.
-Well, give it to me.
I'll crush it up.
You can rail it.
You won't feel a fucking thing.
-It's in here somewhere.
Hold on.
-There it is.
It's done.
And I hope it hurt.
-Oh, shit.
Fuck.
You OK, Craig?
[screaming]
-Let go.
Just let go of your arm.
-Here.
Fucking here.
-Come on, there we go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Get it.
-Fuck.
-What are you waiting for?
-It's still fucking attached.
All the way off.
That's the fucking deal, bro.
-Are you fucking kidding me?
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Get the knife.
-Fuck that.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, fuck.
[screaming]
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck yeah, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Fuck yeah, motherfucker.
[crying]
-Fuck, dude.
You fucking did it.
How's it feel to be $15,000 richer?
-Do me a favor.
Let me see it.
I want to see the money.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck, that's not a favor.
You earned it, man.
Fuck yes.
Here.
Fuck yeah.
Five, 10, $15,000, motherfucker.
Shit.
That's fucking great.
Right on, bro.
Yeah.
What's that sound?
[gagging]
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): There it was again.
[gagging]
-Oh, I think I just heard it.
-Good.
I thought I was going fucking crazy.
-No, I heard it that time.
VIOLET (OFFSCREEN): I think it's coming from over here.
-Guys, do you know where my finger is?
VIOLET (OFFSCREEN): Uh-oh.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): What's wrong?
-Oh, the dog's dead.
-What the fuck?
What--
how'd that happen?
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
-Oh, it choked on Craig's finger.
-All right, I'll take care of this.
Go check on him.
-Fuck.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): That's fucking weird.
-Good luck reattaching that crew toy now, huh?
-You're a real piece of shit, you know that?
-Yeah.
At least I didn't steal $25,000 from my friend.
-I need that money for my family.
You'd just blow it on hookers and drugs.
I know you.
-Yeah, I know you too, Craig.
-I'm not that person anymore.
I have responsibilities.
I have a life to live.
You don't have shit to do but waste the world's oxygen.
You're a fucking loser.
You know that, Vince?
-No.
Yeah, I do.
I know I'm a loser.
See, I've always known that.
But you, you really surprised me, Craig.
You see, because you had parents that loved you.
And they took care of you.
They sent you to college and got you an education.
But look how you fucking turned out.
I mean, you obviously didn't make it as a writer.
I mean, hell, you can't even keep a job changing oil at a
fucking car shop.
You had to fuck another woman and mutilate yourself just to
keep your family off the street.
So who's--
who's the bigger loser?
Huh?
-Oh, you guys are still here.
-Fuck, that smells good.
-Doesn't it?
-Yeah.
-You hungry?
-I could eat.
-Then let's do it.
Join me.
Let's gain sustenance, shall we?
You know what, honey, that bottle we've been saving.
Ah--
this particular dish pairs well with a
$10,000 bottle of tequila.
Asuckamadee, Pancho Villa.
-What the fuck?
What?
-Oh, no.
Oh, no.
-Moments ago you were raving about the smell.
-Why-- why did you--
-Make it?
So you could eat it, obviously.
-Yeah, but I thought you guys were dog people.
-No, no.
I just don't want to kill a helpless animal.
But I mean, it's already dead, so--
you're not vegetarians, are you?
-Oh my god.
I think I just became one.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Tastes like chicken, really.
-But it's not a chicken.
It's a dog.
-Don't be so limited, bro.
I've seen dog on menus throughout the world.
You need to get out.
-Is it even safe to eat?
-Yes.
Cooked all the way through, internal temperature of 165.
I've got a meat thermometer.
So what's the offer?
$50,000 to whoever finishes their portion first.
$50,000.
That's probably more than you guys make in a year, right?
Think about that.
Takes away a lot of worry.
Bills are paid.
You have time to do things you wanted.
It's a mental game, guys.
It's easy to get past.
-All right, fuck it.
Yeah, I'm in.
-Here's your--
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): I'm in.
I'm in.
-Nice.
Hold on.
I don't trust him.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): First to finish, 50 grand.
What's going on, guys?
What are you waiting for?
Let's eat.
-Oh, I'm done.
-Done.
-Shit, that was close.
Violet?
VINCE (OFFSCREEN): No.
No, no, no.
Clearly I won.
Look.
Open your mouth.
-It's open.
Ahh.
-Fuck.
Guys, that was a tie.
-What?
-Uh, we need a tiebreaker.
Great idea.
I guess whoever eats Craig's finger gets the money.
-No.
No, no.
[screaming]
-Crying like a motherfucker?
[grunting]
-That still counts, right?
-It counts, Craig.
You're the winner.
-(CHUCKLING) I did it.
50,000 fucking dollars.
[laughing]
-You're fucking weak, Craig.
You always were.
-Let's get you some air.
There we go.
-Oh, fuck.
You know what, fuck him, man.
You know, he used to get his ass beat, his fucking ass
handed to him, all the time.
And who would he come crying to?
To me.
To me, and I would always have his back.
I always had your back.
And how does he fucking repay me, huh?
By thinking he's fucking better than me.
You know, he thinks he fucking deserves that money.
He doesn't deserve shit--
not a fucking dime.
Fuck, man.
I almost fucking killed him.
-Why don't you do it?
[chuckling]
-Do it.
$250,000.
I'll take care of the rest of it.
This is your chance, Vince.
Fresh start.
Living the life you want.
-$250,000?
-You want to play us a slideshow, baby?
She did this one for our wedding, it's fucking killer.
Craig, you want a beer or, like,
an ice pack of something?
-Uh, cab.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Fuck, you know what?
You're right.
It's fucking late.
Slash early.
You know, I'm feeling kinda brunchy.
You guys into that?
-Yeah.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): I could pound, like, 100 Bloody
Mary's right now.
CRAIG (OFFSCREEN): Hey Colin, can you call a cab for me?
-Sure, man.
But I'm paying for it.
Because I'm a good host.
I got some guy--
here we go.
Oh, there we go.
Ha, ha.
The reunion shot.
CRAIG (OFFSCREEN): Colin.
COLIN (OFFSCREEN): Yes.
OK, OK, OK.
Hi, is this Central Cab?
Yeah, to pick up.
The address is 1231 Waverly.
Oh, Craig.
Go ahead and get your 50,000.
I trust you.
Count it out.
No, I was talking to a friend.
All right, 20 minutes Oh shit, Vince.
This shit was so funny.
-Craig, let's get the fuck out of here.
[gunshot]
-Whoa, that was grim.
That was grim.
Hey.
You know that--
that maid service we talked about?
Yeah, I need that now.
It's been good partying with you, Craig.
Good call on your boy.
I thought my guy was gonna wrap it up.
[sigh]
[baby crying]
-Oh, it's OK.
[crying]
[music playing]