(ACCORDION PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) We meet at evening time
This week at evening time
To know I'll spend an hour or two
Just with you
Then when the hour grows late
I love to hesitate
The moment seems so fleeting
While I am here repeating
I stand and say good night
It's grand to say good night
Then stay and say it over and over
By your door
The milkman hurries by
But, sweetheart, here am I
Again I fondly hold you
Repeating all I've told you
Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper I love you
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me
Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me
Star fading but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
That's better.
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear
Just saying this
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
I'll tell you something, That's the best backhand I've ever seen on Thorazine.
You want another one?
Time for group, William.
You could lose your privileges right there, Mr. Caufield.
I'll be consulting with Dr. Weitzman.
Okay, Kenny. Put your game face on. Here we go.
Ready?
Let me tell you something, Ken.
I've played some of the top Chinese guys.
If you ever work up a serve to go with that backhand,
it's gonna be a dark day in Peking, babe.
Want a practice one?
Here we go.
Attaboy. Now, focus.
BILLY: All right? Attaboy.
Perfect.
ALBERT: (SINGING) ...does that star-spangled banner
Yet wave
Ianuzzi.
O'er the land of the free
And the home
Of the brave?
(TV CROWD CHEERING)
TV ANNOUNCER: Holy cow, White! What a great day for a game.
Holy cow, White! What a great day for a game!
Albert, group.
TV ANNOUNCER: What a great rendition of our national anthem.
And now the lineups for the Orioles and the Yankees.
It'll be John Candelaria pitching for the Yankees,
and Jeff Ballard for the birds. (SIGHING)
TV ANNOUNCER: For Baltimore, leading off,
playing left field, Pete Stanicek.
At second base, batting second, Billy Ripken.
Cal Ripken Jr. will be the shortstop, batting third.
Albert.
That's Brian's cupcake.
TV ANNOUNCER: The catcher, batting fifth, Mickey Tettleton.
The designated hitter, batting sixth, Jim Traber.
Ken Gerhart batting seventh in center field,
Joe Orsulak will be in right field, batting eighth,
and batting ninth and playing third base, Rene Gonzales.
And for the New York Yankees, playing
third base, leading off, Wayne Tolleson.
Bobby Meacham batting second and playing second base.
(TV ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)
(ACCORDION CONTINUES)
McDermott, time for group.
That is a serious infraction of hospital rules.
This is the body and blood of our lord Jesus Christ.
And a damn fine Beaujolais.
(SIGHS)
You can't go like that. You're naked.
We are all naked in the eyes of the lord.
I'm gonna have to include this in my report to Dr. Weitzman.
Call not for a doctor but for an elder of the church.
Leviticus 5:14.
I told you.
Tortured soul.
I know what you mean, Doc.
DOCTOR: There's been a tendency to limit medication.
In looking at the chart, the general anxiety level in the Gomez case
indicates minor dosage increase.
I'm gonna say 25 milligrams amitriptyline.
25 milligrams won't make a dent in Gomez.
I'd go 50. He cried during Family Feud
last night. I could barely hear the questions.
Shouldn't you be in group, Henry?
I don't like to be alone in there.
They're very hostile towards authority.
Henry, I think you better get in there.
Well, okay.
I'll keep an eye on them.
DOCTOR: Henry.
I'm not finished with that.
(CHUCKLES) Looked just like mine.
(DOOR SLAMMING SHUT)
These chairs are all wrong.
I can't leave you guys alone two minutes.
Albert, you're facing the wrong way.
(SINGING) Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee
Don't you know what a semicircle is?
I don't want him next to me.
He smells like tuna fish.
Look what you did.
(SIGHING) Four minutes and 27 seconds, Mr. Caufield.
There are some patients that just make
a therapist want to shake his head.
Straighten out that chair.
Hey, Henry, imagine this...
My chair is straight, and all the other chairs are out of order.
Now, there's a real mind bender for you, right?
You're living in a fantasy world, William.
Dr. Weitzman is not gonna like this.
HENRY: This group will not start
until you straighten out that chair.
All right. I don't want to have to do this.
The orders came down this morning.
I've been officially put in charge of this group.
American Psychiatric Society. Chair stays where it is.
Let me see that.
Nah. Sorry. Classified.
I know one of your fantasies when I hear one, William.
If you don't straighten out that chair,
I'm gonna straighten it out for you.
All right.
(YELLING) I'll straighten out the chair!
(GLASS BREAKING)
(CHUCKLES)
Looks like one of our chairs tried to make a break for it, huh?
Billy did it, Dr. Weitzman. It'll all be in my report.
Look, you're all feeling a little bit on edge these days.
It's very normal when you're coming off medication. Bill?
But you gotta believe me, these chairs...
Are innocent.
Now, sit down, Bill.
Come.
WEITZMAN: Okay, team.
Before we begin, Henry, would you take the jacket off, please?
And put the clipboard away. We're gonna be using my notes today.
(SIGHING)
WEITZMAN: Good. Thank you.
Okay! Who wants to start?
You want to talk about what just happened here?
Oh! (SIGHING)
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I just flashed back to Nam.
You never made it to Vietnam, Bill.
He was too violent for Vietnam.
WEITZMAN: I wish you'd take some of this
imagination and start writing again, Bill.
(SNORTING) Doc. I get up. I take a shower. I put on my clothes.
What do you want from me?
Well, last time we talked about
trying to accept reality as it is, you know,
and not make it up as you go along.
Dr. Weitzman, I don't see how William
expects to make any kind of progress.
He never reads my reports. No wonder he's never done anything.
What do you call finishing second at Daytona?
Bill, a half-dozen speeding tickets in Miami
doesn't make you a race car driver.
You told me you played for the New York Rangers.
Are you saying I didn't?
Attacking a referee on the ice doesn't make you a hockey player either.
That guy had no right to be an NHL referee.
WEITZMAN: However, it did get you
into our little group, didn't it?
I say we skip him and move on to someone of greater consequence.
We'll be with you in a minute, Jack.
WEITZMAN: All right, Bill. Bill.
Why don't we start by reviewing some goals from last time.
Okay.
What about my new goal? Daryl Hannah.
(CHUCKLING)
All right. Can we just stay out of fantasy for just a minute, please?
If you're talking about a relationship,
how about one with a regular girl?
Why don't you let me out so I can find a regular girl?
Nurse Kremmel looks like Luca Brasi.
All God's creatures are beautiful.
Not her.
No, not her.
Dr. Weitzman, I think we should
devote this entire session to William.
HENRY: He's way behind the rest of us.
Can we take another vote on Henry's lobotomy?
Come on! Let me have a show of hands?
That was never discussed. Was it?
Come on, Doc. You could vote too. Put it up.
I'm not gonna vote. Sit down. Come on.
Put your hand down, Jack.
We had a majority.
(SLURPING)
All right. Jack. Now, last time
we had you set a goal for yourself.
Well, my original goal was to rid my agency of Satan's influence...
And to bring Jesus Christ back into
the advertising business, where he belongs.
Yes, but I think that the revised goal that we talked about
was finding a position for Jack McDermott, not for Jesus Christ.
Dr. Weitzman, he's still walking around naked.
HENRY: I think he has a long way to go.
For a guy who runs the universe, he's scared shitless.
That's my diagnosis too.
Jack, let me ask you a question.
You raised yourself from the dead, right?
Did the agency give you extra perks with that, or just those three days off?
You weren't there!
I was pulling down a hundred big ones a year...
When you and Satan were out chasing Daryl Hannah!
Do I sense some hostility here?
Maybe they should role play this, Doctor.
You wanna talk about this, Jack?
I was senior VP.
I had a corner office.
They crucified me.
(JACK SIGHING)
WEITZMAN: You're doing great, Jack.
You know, it takes time, but you're doing great.
Yes, Henry.
Oh, great. I've been waiting for this all morning.
Dr. Demento speaks.
On the first Monday of every month,
it is my intention to submit to you, Dr. Weitzman,
a complete report of all infractions of hospital rules,
particularly by these patients.
Who's gonna do the report on you, you jerk-off?
(SCOFFING) See what I'm up against, Doctor?
He's worse than I am.
Guys, guys, come on.
We're all in this together, right?
That's what this group is about. We're a team.
Exactly. But these idiots don't understand that.
Yeah. Henry, would you mind if I made a small observation?
Just listen to it. Leave the clipboard. Just listen.
WEITZMAN: I know that you're trying
to be helpful, and we all appreciate it,
but focusing on other people's problems
is really just a way of avoiding your own.
(SIGHING) Oh. Exactly.
WEITZMAN: Exactly. Fine. Right.
WEITZMAN: So let's talk about you.
I have seven letters from your wife in my office.
She hasn't heard from you in a year-and-a-half, Henry.
I don't wanna talk about that.
I want you to know it's safe in here.
WEITZMAN: We're all here for you.
Everything is so disorganized, such a mess.
Well, reality's messy, Henry.
But that's okay. It's not for you to clean it up.
But who else is gonna do it? Not these guys.
It's tough to take orders from a guy who irons his socks.
I want you to do me a favor, Henry.
I don't... Uh, uh!
I don't want you to pick it up.
I don't want you to think about it.
It's not your responsibility.
WEITZMAN: Good. Good.
Next week, we'll work on leaving the rest of
the pieces of paper in the world right where they are.
You're gonna find out that chaos is okay, Henry.
Chaos is great.
(CHUCKLING)
Could we go now?
Every week you get up and say, "Can we go now?"
And every week I tell you, "We haven't heard from Albert yet."
Nobody's ever heard from Albert.
I've had better conversations with cheese.
This is just Albert's way of dealing
with things right now. Okay? Sit down.
This is not okay.
What's that?
This is Brian's cupcake.
Every day an innocent man is deprived of his dessert,
and we sit here and do nothing.
Ohh. Boy, you could do some time for that, Big Al.
BILLY: Oh, boy. Brian's cupcake.
Doc, I say we drag him outside and beat the shit out of him.
WEITZMAN: Guys, guys.
Brian isn't complaining, so let's just drop it. All right?
Don't worry about the cupcake, Albert.
You were going to work on saying
the names of the guys in the group.
You wanna try?
Billy. Henry. Jack. Dr. Weitzman. You wanna try?
Strike three, Doc. There's no joy in Mudville.
You know, three weeks ago, before we came off medication,
Albert wasn't trying to communicate with anybody.
At least we now know that he's listening.
Yeah. To Phil Rizzuto.
All right. Time's up.
Jack, Henry, Billy, Albert. Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Is this the week that you guys finally
break down and give each other a little hug?
Huh, team? Huh?
I don't think this is the week, Doc.
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Rebell to admitting.
Oh, fellas. I might have some good news about our field trip.
I put in for special passes for the Yankee game tomorrow,
and I'm gonna find out this afternoon.
(CHUCKLING) How's that sound?
You guys were all excited when I first mentioned it.
Does that mean we are actually leaving the hospital grounds?
No, the Yankees are gonna come here and play.
They're gonna throw some lights up in the rec room.
What a stroker. Doc, let me ask you a question.
Is there any possibility that Albert will actually get into the game...
See action, I mean?
It's all right, Albert. I think we'll keep you on the bench for this one.
Did my best.
This is the group that you want to take out tomorrow, Jeff.
Hey, you got some pretty chronic types here.
I screened the group. I didn't pick them out of a hat.
And I'm seeing some real progress.
Breaking windows is progress?
They're bickering. They're annoying the hell out of each other.
WEITZMAN: It's great.
Throw four dogs in a room, they'll fight.
No, they're standing up for themselves.
Their real identities are creeping back slowly.
Quite candidly, Jeff,
some of the staff seem to feel this whole trip
is a lot more trouble than it's worth.
One of these patients has not been outside
an institution in 12 years.
Yeah, but that's the point.
And Caufield is like a walking time bomb.
You can almost hear him ticking.
You could turn around
and he'll be out on the ball field kicking dirt on an umpire.
Why can't you guys just watch the game on TV in the rec room?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, God.
One more afternoon in the rec room,
I'm gonna have to go on Thorazine myself.
(CHUCKLING)
You got more of a sense of humor about this than I do.
Frankly, I find it difficult to sanction this.
It's a 5-hour field trip. We're not going up the south face of Everest.
I think Jeff is overdramatizing this just a little bit.
Watching Albert dying in here, that's drama.
Oh, come on!
Nobody's dying in here.
WEITZMAN: Look, look, look.
If these guys are gonna spend the rest of their lives in an institution,
I wanna give them the chance to taste a hot dog at Yankee Stadium,
or hear the crowd roar when Mattingly hits one out.
That's gotta be worth a couple hours of my time.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Well, I'm not sure
what the therapeutic value of a ballpark frank is for four psychotics.
(KNOCKING) Yes?
Henry.
(INHALES) We got it.
Doctor, do you think the other patients are ready?
Sure.
Is that the correct time?
PREACHER ON RADIO: We see a church that is weak,
a church that has lost its way!
We seek Christians who do not know who they are...
(KNOCKING)
Christians who seek their true selves...
Box seats on the right field line.
Will the atheists be there?
We're all gonna be there.
All the faiths will be represented.
PREACHER: Discover in themselves the lord Jesus Christ...
WEITZMAN: It's gonna be great, Jack.
PREACHER: And know his divine love, they will suffer!
You are a lot better than that guy.
Yeah.
PREACHER: I know my identity.
PREACHER: Do you know who you are?
Fella ain't got a soul of his own, just... A little piece of a big soul.
The one big soul that belongs to everybody.
Then...
WOMAN ON TV: Then what, Tom?
TOM: Then it don't matter.
I'll be all around in the dark.
I'll be everywhere... Wherever you can look.
TOM: Wherever there's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there.
Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there.
That is one of my favorite scenes of all time.
Makes me wanna puke.
(LAUGHING)
Come on. You were right there in the dust bowl with them.
I'm beginning to realize that you are
one of the last of the great idealists.
And I gotta tell you that, on this floor, that's really something.
(SNICKERING)
What brings you up here, Doc?
Oh, um, we're going to the game tomorrow.
We're going with the veggies?
Yeah.
Oh. There's about 65,000 seats up at that stadium.
But I don't want you to get your hopes up,
because they're all screwed down.
(SNICKERING)
(INHALING AND EXHALING)
Ah, it's great to be young and insane.
Henry, I had the kitchen make us brownies.
I'd like you to be in charge of passing them out.
All right, but none for the Bishop of Bullshit.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
And, guys, a little pocket money.
You each get $10 for some hot dogs at the stadium.
Yeah. Alcohol for the unstable. I love it.
No beer, Bill. Just sodas. Okay?
Dr. Weitzman, I think it's best that I hold the money.
We don't want to have a wild shopping spree
that might embarrass the hospital or your good name, sir.
I drove the moneylenders from the temple. I can handle a ten-spot.
Now for the Yankees, number 10,
Alexander Hamilton.
Albert, if you wanna eat yours before
we get to the stadium, that's your decision.
But I gotta tell you, those dogs out there are worth the wait.
All right. Let's go!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
HENRY: I'm riding up front with the doc!
I can't ride in the back. I get carsick!
All right. Come on. Come on!
Dr. Weitzman, I'm not going!
That maniac took my seat!
All right. Jack, I promised Henry that he could navigate.
Okay? I'll let you ride up front on the way back. All right?
Thank you. Thank you. Okay? You all right?
Okay, good. It's all right. You all right?
Come on, Rizzuto.
HENRY: Mileage to date, 97,411 and two tenths miles.
WEITZMAN: Thank you, Henry.
WEITZMAN: We got a beautiful day for the game.
(TRUCK HONKING)
All right. Don't get nervous.
We got two wide lanes. Plenty of room.
No worse than the cafeteria at lunch time, huh, Albert?
Close call. Close call.
All right. Now, when we get to the stadium, guys,
we're gonna use the buddy system.
Doc, I think you might wanna explain the buddy system to Henry.
I don't need anybody to tell me what the buddy system is.
I just don't fraternize with patients.
Ah.
I didn't have buddies when I was on the cross. I don't need one now.
All right, guys. Come on. Let's lighten up.
We're goin' to a baseball game.
Come on.
(HIT THE ROAD JACK PLAYING ON RADIO)
Let's get down!
Okay, here we go.
(SINGING) Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back...
Come on. Everybody, come on.
No more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
Oh, woman, oh, woman Don't you treat me so mean
You're the meanest old woman that I ever have seen
I guess if you say so
I'll just pack my bags and go
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
There it is, guys. New York.
WEITZMAN: Some kinda town.
BILLY: Yeah.
See those two towers over there? Yeah, World Trade Center.
I was the architectural consultant on that gig.
First they just wanted to put up one.
I said, "Fellas, we're here.
"What the hell, throw the other one up."
Turned out pretty nice, didn't it?
Fantasy.
Holland Tunnel, next right.
Good work, Henry.
(HIT THE ROAD JACK PLAYING ON RADIO)
HENRY: We're directly under the Hudson River now.
Yeah. You guys see those tiles up there, all those individual tiles?
Hey, Doc, isn't it true that if even one
of those tiles were to come loose,
millions and millions of gallons of water would come pouring down on us
and squash us like tiny little bugs?
Is that a leak up there?
You see those tiles? They're leaking water right there!
Bill. Cut it out. Oh, my God!
I will hold back the waters.
Thanks, Jack.
All right. Bill, cut it out. Come on.
It's all right.
(SINGSONG) Albert's gotta go! Albert's gotta go!
Great. He's gonna piss all over the backseat, Doc.
We'll need a canoe to float out of here.
He drank a whole can of Hawaiian Punch
before we left. I told him not to.
Albert, do you think you can hold on till we get to the stadium?
Batter up! Batter up!
I think that means "no," Doc.
Yeah. Just hold on a second, Albert.
Easy does it till we find a place. All right? Okay.
Excuse me. Could I have the key to the men's room, please?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh, uh, uh...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I... I don't speak Spanish either. Piss in the alley.
Oh, come on, man. It'll just be a minute.
Toilet's broke. Alley works.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
Okay, come on, Albert. Let's go.
Okay, come on. Come on.
No ghost stories. Okay, Billy?
All right. Come on. Let's go. Come on.
(ALBERT WHIMPERING)
What the hell was that?
Did you guys hear that?
Like a wild dog howling or something. Phew.
Phew. Maybe it was me. I always get really scared when I'm down here.
Did you guys see Wolfen? They filmed it down here.
That movie about those gigantic wolves that come out at night,
and they eat people and, like, rip their guts open.
They got this shit hangin' out their mouth and stuff.
BILLY: And the thing was, people would live, like, for an hour later...
And just, like, lay there and...
Twitch and stuff... Oosh!
They shot it right down here. You know why?
This is exactly where it happened. That was a true story.
Those wolves actually happened. They live down here.
(HOWLING)
Okay, champ, this is gonna have to do.
Careful. Careful.
How about right here? This is fine.
It's great.
(PEOPLE ARGUING)
What?
Okay. I won't look. I'm not looking.
Okay, Albert, you done yet?
Albert?
Al?
Albert.
(BLOWS LANDING) (MAN GRUNTING)
MAN 1: I told you you should've wised up, Alvarez.
(SCREAMING)
ALVAREZ: You're goin' to jail!
MAN 1: Nobody's goin' to jail.
ALVAREZ: You bastard!
MAN 2: Better say good night.
ALVAREZ: No, don't! Don't!
MAN 1: You're a dead man, Alvarez.
(GUN FIRING)
Albert!
Hey! Who the hell are you? Stop that guy!
Hey! What the hell's goin' on down there?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SIREN WAILING)
(RADIO DISPATCHER INDISTINCT)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
WOMAN: In broad daylight.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Hey, what happened?
This guy got the crap kicked out of him.
He gonna make it? Who knows?
MAN: Come on, pal. Move back. Don't get hurt, too.
(RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES)
(SIREN CHIRPS)
(SIREN WAILING)
Where the hell did you go to take that piss, Moscow?
Where's Dr. Weitzman, Albert?
He'll be here in a minute. We're on a very tight schedule.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
How do you like the game so far? I'm havin' a ball.
Good seats, huh?
You know, it's funny the hot dog guy hasn't been around.
Albert! Where's the doctor?
News at 11:00.
Tell us now.
Now...
A word from our sponsor.
Geez. We're waitin' for a news update from a catatonic.
Maybe he didn't really wanna take us.
Can you blame him?
I wouldn't wanna walk into a public place
with a bunch of schizophrenics.
I've never agreed with that diagnosis.
Oh, really? Really, Hank?
Well, you know what?
Comin' from a guy who carries an autographed picture of Norman Bates
in his wallet, that doesn't mean too much.
Trust me on this one, Hank.
You are nuts! Don't touch that!
Will you shut up? Don't touch it!
What about dinner?
Who's gonna get us our dinner?
"Who's gonna get us our..."
Aren't you the same guy that changed water into wine?
Huh, JC?
I mean, isn't the son of God good for a burger in this town?
You get us somethin'.
That's not funny.
You're a very disturbed young man.
Oh, man. You don't know how disturbed I am.
I'm so disturbed, I'm gettin' outta here.
You're not allowed to leave the group without permission!
I'm giving myself permission.
No one gives permission but the doctor,
and I'm the doctor until the doctor comes back!
Fine. You be the doctor, and I'll be the escaped mental patient. Okay?
HENRY: I'm telling Dr. Weitzman!
And Dr. Newald!
One away.
Next batter.
Dr. Newald's gonna be very, very, very upset.
I'm gonna have to make a full report.
You're a sick man.
It's a sickness of the soul.
Put this in your report.
(SCOFFS)
Foul ball.
It's clear to me now God is testing me.
You can't go anywhere! I'm in charge here!
You're having a psychotic episode.
That automatically puts me in charge.
I am the Lord, thy god.
Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.
Out of my way, asshole.
I fear my doctor may have been seized by the Romans!
Who's gonna take us back?
We're gonna be late for group.
Albert, sit up straight.
That's good.
The doctor will be back any minute now.
We've got a lot to talk about tonight.
I'd better check to see what's keeping him.
Albert, keep this door locked.
(SIREN WAILING)
(UPBEAT BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)
Give me a beer.
(MEN LAUGHING)
You know, she still refuses to give us her phone number.
You think we should refuse to pay the check?
MAN 2: I don't see how we can until she does.
MAN 1: You know, sweetheart, we're just tryin' to set you up for life.
I mean, this man could have any woman in the world,
but tonight, I don't know.
Maybe it's the moon, or those cute little knockers you got.
Sorry. He only wants one thing, honey.
Good. Here it is.
Come on.
Wouldn't you like to go out with a guy
who makes more than minimum wage?
Listen, boys, this isn't Club Med.
Do you mind just paying the check?
Whoa. Are you rejecting him?
You're gonna give this guy a complex.
Let go.
Give me one good reason.
I'll give you a reason.
What's your problem?
They call it a low frustration tolerance.
I hate paisley.
Please don't. It's not worth it.
Who the hell do you think you are?
(DINERS GASPING)
I'm an escaped mental patient with a history of violence.
Check, please.
Now pay the lady.
Okay? Sure.
Thanks.
You got a little somethin' right here.
Okay.
Restaurant security. Just a minor utensil violation.
Go ahead. Enjoy your dinner.
Sue.
Cover for me. I gotta go.
Hey.
(MOANS)
This is crazy.
I can relate to that.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm out. I'm sprung.
Turns out it was a clerical mistake.
They threw me a party, and here I am.
Billy, I haven't talked to you in three months.
Could we try a little reality here?
(SIGHS)
Okay. It's not my strength, but...
(GIGGLING)
I could report this! We have rules around here, buddy!
(GASPING) My God!
All right. Vehicle 9415.
This is going to look very, very, very good for you...
My man.
(SINGING) Sometimes burdened down
Sometimes burdened Say now
Oh
Jesus been with me
All the way All the way
Jesus been with me
All the way
Jesus been with me
All the way All the way
All the way, y'all
All the way
Oh, been with me
Been with me Been with me
Been with me, been with me
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Jesus been with me
All the way
Been with me Been with me
Been with me, been with me Been with me
(SQUEAKING)
Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for a colleague of mine.
Excuse me. I'm looking for a colleague of mine.
Dr. Jeffrey Weitzman?
(CAR HORN HONKING) Excuse me.
Can you help me? I'm looking for a...
Excuse me. Sir?
I'm looking for a colleague of mine. Dr. Jeffrey Weitzman.
Never heard of him.
(GASPS) Hey!
I think we should talk about this, don't you?
Not really.
Well, well, well!
Don't tell me I didn't give you
every opportunity to tell your side.
TV ANNOUNCER: Fastball is running up.
Really... Look at that ball. It keeps going up, and you swing under it.
Actually, it's a ball if he would take it.
It's hard to take that pitch from a left-hander with a left-handed batter.
PHIL RIZZUTO: All right, Steve Kiefer will be the batter.
Jerry, I need two rum collins, two Jack Daniels,
one on the rocks, and a Heineken.
What'll it be?
Jerry, I need two rum collins,
two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken.
Please.
ANNOUNCER 1: He brought those hands in. ANNOUNCER 2: He did.
Fought it off. He's got another shot.
Hi.
What's the matter? Are you afraid of me or somethin'?
Come on over.
Hey, baby...
ANNOUNCER: All right. Yanks in a jam.
How ya doin'?
Three and two, bases loaded.
No place to put him. Gotta make him swing.
Gotta make him swing!
Leiter winds. Leiter winds.
He got him! That huckleberry went for a bad pitch.
Leiter's unbelievable.
Man could throw a lamb chop past a goddamn wolf.
(CHUCKLES)
(EXCLAIMS)
And once again, one of the Brewers
swings under that rising fastball.
GIRL: Hey! Watch it! Watch your damn...
ANNOUNCER: ...extra hop on your ball.
Able to go back and get it, and that's youth for you.
Organization is the key.
U.S. Postal Service.
I handled one of the toughest zip codes in the country.
Ask anyone in 10021 about Henry Sikorsky.
(BELCHES)
Would you mind cleaning up your area?
No one likes a Mr. Messy.
Fuck you.
He refuses to clean up his area.
Leave me alone, jerk-off.
Do I sense some hostility here?
Why don't we bring this up in group?
Or maybe we should just hug.
Would someone please take me back to my room!
My brothers and sisters!
CONGREGATION: Yes! Mmm-hmm.
I want to give your soul a wake-up call!
Yes!
I want to put Jesus...
On the line! Yeah!
Don't hang up on him now.
No!
No! Pick up that phone and say,
"Hello..." Hello.
"Jesus!" Yeah!
He's listening. Lord, I know he's listening.
(SHOUTING IN APPROVAL)
Can I get an amen?
Amen!
Can I get an amen?
Amen!
We got the spirit...
Here tonight!
Who is gonna witness for me? We got the Lord on the line!
Who is gonna take the call? Please don't leave God on hold.
Oh, no!
You have called, and I have answered!
Come in! We have a witness!
WOMAN: Witness!
MAN: A witness!
I came to tell you that I was once
a lover of the things of this world.
Yes! Amen!
I made $100,000 a year.
I had a house in Scarsdale with a big blue swimming pool.
(SHOUTS OF AFFIRMATION)
Yes, brothers.
I lived the white man's lie.
(SHOUTS OF AFFIRMATION)
Yes, but I was lost!
So lost.
Yes. I was dancin' with alcohol.
I was lovin' drugs!
And there were women.
Oh, yeah!
Brothers and sisters, oh, God, there were women!
Fine women!
Yes!
But I hadn't hit bottom yet. Oh, no.
I just kept fallin', right on through the floor!
And that's when God found me.
Amen!
Right.
Yes, yes.
And you know what he said to me?
What'd he say?
And I've been persecuted for speaking this truth.
(CONGREGATION MURMURS)
He said to me, "Son!"
Lay this on us!
That's what he called me.
And I said, "'Son?" And he said, "Yes.
"Yes! You are the son of God!"
(SHOUTING)
MAN: Blasphemy!
And I said, "What, Lord?"
And he said, "It's time for you
"to leave behind the things of this world,
"the fine houses, the fancy cars,
"the flashy clothes!"
Because we are all naked in the eyes of the Lord!
Stop!
This man is clinically insane!
He is presently undergoing treatment at the Cedarbrook Hospital
under my supervision!
If I only saved one soul in there, it was well worth it.
Move on.
So, am I walking home with an escaped mental patient, or what?
(CHUCKLES) Nah. I got a weekend pass.
I aced my Rorschach test.
You got your shoes on.
Yeah.
You're not drooling.
I'm impressed. Thanks.
Are you still writing?
I'm still makin' things up. Hey, you know what?
I keep telling these guys my girlfriend's an actress,
and every day we check out the soaps lookin' for you.
You still actin'?
(SCREAMING)
What the hell's the matter with you? Sure, I'm still acting.
It's Linda in A Skull for Sammy.
She just found her mother's head in the dryer.
I read for it yesterday.
Don't laugh.
I'm not laughin'.
I think that's the same scream your mother used when she met me.
I'm tellin' you, I'm red-hot. I mean, six months ago, I'm a nobody, right?
Right.
And then my theater group does this reading.
I meet this guy.
He knows this agent, and it's inside track time.
I mean, I've been goin' up on commercials.
I haven't exactly been in one yet, but my hand has.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm not gonna waitress forever, am I?
No. You're great. I've always told you you were great.
Yeah. You did.
But then they locked you up.
Yeah.
MAN: So we pick up this kid. Now, it's 3:00 a.m.
He's walkin' down Fifth Avenue with a brand-new, 21 -inch color TV.
I asked him where he got it.
"Some dude. I never saw him before."
(LAUGHING)
"And this dude gave you a brand-new color TV
"in the middle of the night just to hold?"
"Yes. That's right. I thought it was pretty strange myself at the time."
(LAUGHING)
This is what is known in legal circles
as the "mysterious dude" defense.
(MEN LAUGHING)
That story just keeps gettin' funnier.
I remember when you first started tellin' it,
right after the war.
You know what I find fascinating?
Male vanity.
I mean, you accept it in a peacock,
but it's harder to take from a putz like you.
I gotta listen to this crap from a guy
who orders his pants through the mail?
Hey, did you guys log out with Alvarez?
Yeah, but that was this morning.
Well, his wife's been calling.
If you see him.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(COUGHS)
Bingo.
Very thorough. Names, dates, dollar figures.
Every sucker we ever shook down?
This officially concludes Mr. Alvarez's investigation.
We're lookin' good.
We've got a dead New York City cop, and we've got a witness.
Ergo, we are not looking good.
Speak English, asshole.
A dead man is not a witness.
No, it doesn't look... It doesn't look bigger. It just looks nicer.
Oh, Jesus.
It does.
I'm home.
This is where you live?
Yeah.
Wow. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Boy.
Sane people get all the breaks, huh?
Look, uh, I can't invite you up.
Sure, you can. You just say,
"Hey, Bill, you wanna come up?"
No. Um, this is my friend's place.
Is this friend a guy?
Yeah.
Ah.
Look, Bill, he's got a job, and he pays his bills.
I never had to bail him out of jail. You know.
(SIGHS) A woman sometimes finds that attractive in a man.
Sounds dull.
His name is Ed, and I told you all about him.
You told me you were datin' him.
I mean, this is a pretty serious date.
Look, you've been gone for over a year and a half.
How long did you expect me to hold my breath out here?
Look, you want the truth? Okay, there is no weekend pass.
(SIGHS)
This doctor brings us into the city to see a Yankee game,
and then he disappears on 48th Street.
He took numb-nuts down an alley to take
a pee, and the doctor never came back.
So where are these other, um...
Nuts?
Right.
I don't know. Boy, you ought to see these guys.
They're a couple of beauties.
One guy barely speaks, one thinks he's Jesus,
and the other one, he's crazier than any of them.
Kind of reminds me of your brother, Lenny.
Oh, boy.
What's gonna happen to them?
How the hell should I know?
They're just a bunch of screwballs from my group.
Group therapy?
No, my fencing group. Yeah, group therapy. Wait a minute.
You and these guys get together
and share the most intimate secrets of your lives,
and then when there's a problem,
you just walk away and leave them?
(SCOFFS) Fine. Fine.
I'm totally irresponsible, all right? Okay?
You satisfied?
I see you haven't changed much, Billy.
You almost knocked that plant over!
I can't believe you.
Have a nice life.
Thanks, I will.
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
Whoa!
Stop! Who dares to tow the van of the living Christ?
The city of New York, Tarzan.
50 for the violation.
75 for the tow.
And 20 bucks a day for storage.
Thank you, Officer. I won't let you down.
Father, forgive us, for we have sinned.
We parked our car in a forbidden zone!
Where the hell's Albert?
(ENGINE STARTS)
Whoa! Hey, you can't tow this. There's a guy back there.
Bullshit.
(TIRES SCREECH) Jack, come here.
OFFICER: What?
Hey, you wanna move Beauregard here? Yeah, right.
Come on, Albert. You okay?
I mean, you know, as okay as you get.
Close call at second.
Well, we just caught a major break.
We could be back in the ward,
staring at the goddamn walls right now, but we're not.
Instead, what do we got, fellas?
We got a night on the town.
(THUNDERING)
This is God's way of telling us we're going to die.
(THUNDERING CONTINUES)
They were due back at 11:30. I thought I should call you.
It's almost 1:00.
I was against this thing from the start.
It could be traffic, a flat tire. Who knows?
If he broke down, he should've phoned.
I'll call the turnpike authority,
see if there have been any accidents.
Jeff's a responsible guy. I'm sure everything's under control.
HENRY: I think we should review our goals.
BILLY: Review our goals! Wacko, we gotta find the doctor.
HENRY: Who put you in charge? I'm in charge here.
JACK: Read the New Testament, Sparky.
You'll find out who's in charge.
BILLY: Get out of the way! Albert, you step on my foot one more time,
I'm gonna kill you. ALBERT: Kill the ump!
JACK: Why does a grown man have to smell like tuna fish?
(HORNS HONKING)
BILLY: All right, straight. Go left.
Straight. Is that left?
I said... All right. Straight.
Okay. All right. Now easy. Easy. Up. Easy.
BILLY: Watch it.
All yours, Bernie.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
How you doing? Hey.
(SIGHS)
We're looking for something casual for the son of God.
How much does the supreme being wanna spend?
How about a nice Harris Tweed with a blue oxford button-down?
And maybe a nice Countess Mara tie, eh, sport?
Look, why don't you guys go out and browse around for a while?
Browse!
This is one of the nicest... No. This is
probably the nicest Army-Navy store I've ever been in,
and I've been in every branch of the service,
so I know what I'm talkin' about, all right?
Yeah. Your friends look like they've seen a little action too.
Okay, you've noticed they're a little different.
I've noticed.
You wanna know why?
It's because we're a special combat unit
with the United States Marine Corps,
and we've been tracking some Libyan terrorists.
In fact, I think we got 'em trailed
to a bagel shop around the corner.
Now, if we can just get some pants on the colonel...
Gimme a break.
All right, we're four escaped lunatics.
This I believe.
I've caught this just in time.
You've got the large in here with the extra large.
I'm afraid to even get into the sock bin.
Now, what do you want?
Look, you probably want us out of here
as quickly as possible. Am I right?
I'm prepared to carry you in my arms.
(SIREN WAILING)
All I'm saying is, let's stretch that clothing dollar.
What kind of stretch are we talking about?
12 bucks.
(STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT PLAYING ON PA)
I'm telling you, it works.
It's a statement, man.
You know who you are.
No, he doesn't.
Anything else I can help you fellas with?
Yeah. Could you recommend a good clinical
psychiatrist in the neighborhood?
We seem to have lost ours.
Gee, we don't have one on staff here, fellas,
but I do know a guy you could talk to.
Now, this missing doctor, we're all sure he really exists, right?
Take a look at this guy.
(CHUCKLES)
Can you imagine him without a doctor?
Okay, okay. Just checking.
You mind?
Swing and a miss.
Look, here's all we're asking. You give us as much attention
as you would, let's say, one of your French fries, okay?
This guy's been gone for hours.
A few hours is not a missing person.
It's a guy that went to the movies, met a lady or something.
A doctor doesn't leave four mental patients to go cruise for chicks.
You know what I'm saying?
Doctors can be strange characters, too.
One down in North Carolina wiped out his whole family.
Dr. Weitzman doesn't have any family.
What'd I tell you?
Oh, man. Hey, I'm kidding.
Look, why don't you guys just call your hospital?
Because the doc would lose his job,
and they'd have us back on medication
by the time the coin runs out, that's why.
You know what I think? I think you got
this whole thing bass ackwards.
I think you're the missing persons.
Why don't you go back to 48th Street and wait?
The guy doesn't show, we're open 24 hours. (PHONE RINGING)
You don't understand.
Vincente. Yo, we're not done yet.
Look, you're done. It's been a pleasure.
Hey! We used to be taxpayers.
Now, that will get my attention.
You're not out of here in 30 seconds, you got a night in jail.
What kind of bonehead cop would send four confessed mental patients
back out in the streets?
It's not his fault. He's not as competent as we are.
(GROANS)
Another episode like that, William,
you might find yourself out of the group.
Can I have that in writing? Wait a minute!
I'm not going another step until somebody gets me my dinner.
Dinner? I've got to get this report to Dr. Newald right away!
Which way is Trenton?
Straight ahead, 71 miles.
If you don't stop for the litter, you can be back by Christmas.
Exit 11, Henry! Pace yourself!
(SIREN BLARING)
Albert!
What's with you and chasing cars?
We have to put you on a leash?
How do you get him to talk? I know this patient's history.
I don't advise over-stimulating him.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This have something to do with Weitzman?
Did they take him away in an ambulance?
Is that it, Albert?
(STAMMERING)
It's like a scene out of a Lassie movie.
"Did Timmy fall in the well, Lassie? Did he, girl?"
Look, Albert, did they take Weitzman away in an ambulance?
Big inning.
That's a definite yes. JACK: All he said was, "Big inning."
Yeah, but he nodded when he said it. Watch.
Big inning. See?
All you have to do is learn how to speak, Albert.
No. Weitzman with a "Z." Right.
No, huh? Look, nurse, could you... Uh, what's your name?
Helen Grabosky? Hey, this is Billy Caufield.
You treated me for a scalp wound a couple years ago.
Yeah. Self-inflicted. Right.
Well, I mean, it was a bet, you know. I...
Yeah. Uh, no, it healed up great.
Look, do you have any John Does over there?
Really? Okay. No, no, no, that's okay. Thanks.
Fifth goddamn hospital. Not one of them's got the doc.
Just a couple of John Does.
Not John Doe. Dr. Weitzman. I'd better handle this.
Gimme that.
Look, Dr. Freud,
if a guy checks into a hospital and he's unconscious and
they don't get a name on him or something
like that, they call him, "John Doe."
All right?
Now we're gonna have to check all these hospitals ourselves.
That's public property.
Watch this.
Public property.
Private property.
Vandal.
Do you all have to go in? Absolutely.
We're the Doe brothers. Oh, Harriet, uh,
Dr. Epson wants Mrs. Freeman's chart, okay?
Your John Doe's in 409. I'll be with you in a minute.
Dear Lord, we humbly ask your mercy for our dear departed.
You got it.
We are never prepared for death,
especially when it comes to one so loved,
but let us try to find comfort in knowing that he is finally at peace.
Father, may I say a few words?
I knew this man perhaps better than anyone here.
I pledge to continue his work as long as I live.
I thought they were gonna sell the car wash.
He devoted his life to the treatment of the insane.
Uncle Phil? Did Martha know about this?
Henry.
May I say a few words?
Certainly, William.
It's not him.
Perhaps I'd better bring my remarks to a close.
HENRY: I never knew there were so many John Does in this world.
It's hopeless.
Room 555? Thank you.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Room 555. For a John Doe, he's awfully popular.
Pitcher's in trouble! Pitcher's in trouble!
What? What is it? What?
Weitzman? Is it Weitzman?
Come on.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Room 555?
Just down the hall.
All right.
Room's closed. Get lost.
(LAUGHS) We already are lost. Thanks anyway.
I said, no one in that room. Hospital security.
You can lose a lot of privileges for this behavior.
I'll use this.
I have died and been reborn.
I can do it again, buster.
Are you guys crazy?
(LAUGHS) Totally.
What the hell are you doing?
Holy shit. What is...
Here, put this in. Call a nurse or something.
What the hell is going on here?
Get out of my way. Is he gonna be all right?
Call security. I want these men arrested.
We didn't do anything. Oh, no!
HENRY: I'll have a full report in the morning!
Stairs! Stairs! Come on.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Stop those guys!
Hey, those two guys just tried to kill somebody inside.
What are you talkin' about? They're cops.
They're what?
For you, on three. It's them.
Weitzman?
No. Them.
Dr. Newald, it's...
It's Billy Caufield. How you doing?
I'm doing fine, William.
Good, good.
Listen, uh, do I sound calm to you?
Yes.
Good. I'm really trying to sound calm because,
well, we ran into a little snag out here.
Somebody's trying to kill Dr. Weitzman.
That Caufield guy lives in a fantasy world.
And he also has a real history of violence.
Where are you calling from?
Uh, we're in a phone booth on the corner of 61 st and Park.
Call the New York City police.
Billy, where's Dr. Weitzman now?
Well, he's in Mercy Hospital, but listen,
I'm telling you, somebody's really trying to kill him.
Not someone. The Prince of Darkness.
Jack McDermott. Christ fixation. Megalomania.
(GASPS) Where was I?
William, I want you to find a policeman...
No, no, no! Not the police, because they're in on this.
In on what? In on what?
It's Satan's plot! I told you...
Jack, I'm trying to handle this, you jerk-off! Shut up!
Dr. Newald, this is Henry Sikorsky...
Give me that phone!
...Dr. Weitzman's assistant. I'm having real trouble with these patients.
Tell them I'm in charge. Assistant?
Paranoid schizophrenic.
BILLY: Stop breathing in my face!
Now keep away from the phone, all of you!
You're outta here.
Look, Dr. Newald, as I was saying,
I don't really think it's a good idea, to call the police right now.
No, no, William. No, we won't call the police
if that makes you uncomfortable.
Yeah, it does. It makes me really uncomfortable.
You just stay right where you are. Okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Say, I hear we're having chicken chow mein tonight.
Oh, that's one of my favorites.
Is that one of your favorites, William?
(SIREN BLARING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
MAN: You're not gonna believe this.
A cop car just pulled alongside me on the sidewalk.
Hey, what are you doing? Let's go. Move it.
Honey! Honey! I'll see you tonight!
Up against the wall. Let's go.
Call my lawyer! Spread 'em, that's right!
Spread your legs! Let's go!
Hey! Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is!
Jack, it's me, Tom.
Right! Tom! Tom Canning!
Hey! I didn't know you were in town.
You thinkin' about coming back into the ad game?
No immediate plans, Tom. Actually, we're
kinda wanted by the police right now.
Bummer. Hassle with the IRS?
Attempted murder, Tom.
That's not fun.
This guy, he never stops.
Come on, Jack.
These gentlemen are involved as well.
Jack and I killed a few account people in our day, too.
Didn't we, guy? It was a nightmare.
They tried to smother him.
His tubes got all pulled out...
Yeah, listen, I got a 10:00 at Bristol. Um...
Nice meeting you all. We gotta do lunch, Jack.
Okay, fella. I'll give you a holler.
Let's get out of here. I think we should stop here
and review our goals!
Our goals?
Look at this.
We gotta come up with 165 big ones.
We got to get the van and then we gotta
pull Weitzman out of the hospital
before those two goddamn cops come back.
Now, how's that for a goal?
Us?
You mean us? But we're crazy.
Yeah?
Well, we better get sane real goddamn fast.
Could we see that first group of pictures again?
Come on, lady.
Give me a break. Was this guy in your store or on the goddamn moon?
It appears we have Mr. and Mrs. Helen Keller in here.
Ten more minutes of this, I'm gonna lock them up.
OFFICER: Maguire?
Gianelli. In here.
Keep looking.
They found Alvarez's body in a warehouse over on 47th
with two .38 slugs in his head.
Jesus Christ.
It was the same alley where they found that shrink from Trenton.
He's still unconscious over at Mercy Hospital,
and those four nuts who attacked him
are still rattling around somewhere.
Those psychos must've done Alvarez too.
Well, it's the only thing we got right now. There's an APB out on 'em.
There's security on the room?
Yeah.
When this guy comes out of it, he could put everything together for us.
I have a feeling those psychos are about to go after their doctor again.
Okay. Watch it.
All right. Come on. Go, go! Come on.
(DOG BARKING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Billy. Tell me this is a bad dream.
Well, actually, it's four bad dreams.
Riley, this is Henry, this is Jack and this is Albert.
Billy, Ed is home.
Really? Where?
Look, uh, Riles, I got a real situation here.
This report should answer any questions.
This better be good.
Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on.
No breakage.
Great. Breakfast. I'm starved.
That's not ours. That's Ed's.
Did Ed make the sunshine?
Did Ed make the wheat grow?
HENRY: I don't know the man.
Good morning.
Hi, Ed.
Hi. Uh, you friends of Riley?
I'm a friend to all men. We've come for your money, Ed.
HENRY: This is the breakdown, Ed.
50 for the fine, 75 for the tow.
(LAUGHS) Wait. Don't tell me.
You guys must be Riley's theater group, right?
Yes. This is our group, Ed.
Yeah. You guys really had me going there for a minute.
(LAUGHS) You stand-up guys are something else.
Does Ed know what I do? You know, that I'm, like, nuts?
Let's not get into that.
Ed. Hi.
Hey.
Uh, I see that you've met Albert and Henry and Jack.
I'd like you to meet my friend, Billy.
Hi, Ed.
Hey, Bill. What do you do?
What do I do?
Well, it kinda depends on the circumstances, Ed.
Oh, yeah?
Got some real nice things here though.
ED: Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Uh, that's, uh... That's Molten Venus. You know Loucka?
You can't touch one of his nudes
for less than six figures these days.
Can you believe that?
I believe you, Ed.
This is a brilliant manipulation of negative space.
Postmodernist, neo-cubist.
It's breathtaking.
Well, you really know your Loucka.
You know why it's a brilliant manipulation of negative space?
No, why?
Because Jesus wants it that way.
(LAUGHS) You guys! You're always on, aren't you, right?
You comedy guys! (LAUGHS)
Excuse me. Ed, could I talk to you just for a minute?
Yeah, sure. What? Um...
Hey, there's Dr. Newald.
FEMALE REPORTER: Doctor, are these men dangerous,
and should the public be concerned?
On the basis of possibly two attacks on the doctor,
I'm afraid I would have to say, yes, they are dangerous.
FEMALE REPORTER: Is this an unusual occurrence?
It is an irony that the therapist
sometimes becomes the focus for
deep-seated hostilities and transference.
Thank you, Dr. Newald.
The man's a giant in the field.
I'm Donna Hanover for The Morning Report.
NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you, Donna.
The state hospital has just released photographs
of the four patients wanted in the attack on their doctor
and for questioning in the murder
of a New York City police officer.
The patients are William Caufield,
Henry Sikorsky, Albert lanuzzi and Jack McDermott.
In local sports, both the Mets and...
Who you calling, Ed?
911.
Yeah. This is Ed Nivens. Yes, it's an emergency!
151 Central Park West.
Ed, could you just listen?
Just listen! Hey, hey, hey!
Okay, does Ed go out the window? Let's have a show of hands.
Ed, you can vote too. This is America.
William, you can lose your TV privileges for that!
You think they're gonna let you out?
Boy, I hope you appreciate this woman, Ed.
Okay, come on. Come on.
Come on!
Caesar, don't let them leave the building. It's your job!
Geez! Your attention, gentlemen!
My name is Caesar.
Mr. Nivens asked me to stop you.
I must request you not move.
Hey, do me a favor, put that thing away.
You hold it like a goddamn doorman.
I... I am the doorman.
Well, then get us a cab.
Holy cow!
(SIREN WAILING)
Hold it right there! Freeze!
Freeze, buddy!
Put your hands behind your back!
All right, move it.
Let him go! (GRUNTS)
Hold it right there!
All right, both of them, let's go!
I got him.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go! I said move it!
Come on.
Billy!
(GROANS)
You stay right there.
(SIGHS)
OFFICER: Turn to your right. Hold it.
Face front. Chin up a bit.
Good, good. Hold it.
Look, I don't think I'm Elvis, all right?
I don't carry on conversations with my dog.
I never put on a dress and dance
around Times Square. None of that.
Impressive credentials.
I just want you guys to believe me, okay?
There's two cops, and they could go back at any time.
It's a conspiracy, Tony.
Is this the one with the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald?
(ALL LAUGHING)
You know, actually, I lied.
Once I did put on a dress and I...
I kind of danced around Times Square.
But I was with Elvis, and my dog told me to do it,
so, you know, you can't really blame me for that, can you?
Your lunch date is here.
Lunch date? It's 3:00.
I don't think he cares.
TOM: Memory Lane, huh, Jack?
Nobody ever wrote copy like you did.
The James Joyce of Chef Boyardee. (LAUGHS) Remember that?
Look, I'm desperate, Tom. I need money.
The Lord sent me. Now, I know the last time he sent me
I tried to throw Murray and all his CLIOs out the window.
Well, I guess we should be thankful Murray didn't fit.
I think I came a long way, Tom.
There's a doctor down there who believes in me.
We've been talking about giving Jesus his walking papers,
but, uh, we've run into one complication.
Murder.
I'm talking about murder, Tom.
Someone is trying to kill my doctor.
Hmm. That is a problem.
Murray! Look who I found.
Long time no see.
Hi, Murray. We were just reminiscing.
Uh, listen, Tom, have you heard from Mitachi yet?
We're ready to commit hari-kari out here.
Soon as I hear, Murray.
Right.
Murray looks like he's under a lot of pressure.
Well, it's a $30 million piece of old Nippon, Jack.
We're sweating out the call from John Benson right now.
Benson? I used to think he was the Devil.
Now I know he's just another bozo trying to do a piece of business.
Well, things haven't changed much around here, Jack.
That's him.
Sorry, Jack.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Murray, congratulations.
What are you talking about?
Benson called while I was in there. You got the Mitachi account.
WOMAN: What? The Mitachi account!
We got it?
Yeah.
Really? We got it?
(CHANTING) We got Mitachi! We got Mitachi!
JACK: Murray.
Yeah?
Just kidding.
Wa, wa, wa, waah.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
WOMAN: Who is it, dear?
They called here this afternoon.
I told them I hadn't heard from you in two years.
Why didn't you answer my letters?
I thought I lost you. I was afraid to find out.
They arrested those other patients.
It's up to me now. I've got to get the guys and the doctor out of there.
I need some money.
I know it sounds crazy.
I believe you.
(SIGHS) I don't know why.
It's maybe because I want to so much.
It's $170. That's all I have in the house.
This means a lot.
Do you really have to go?
They laugh at me all the time, but I know they need me now.
Ms. Ferguson gives you a star
when you color it the right color.
Parrots are green and canaries are yellow.
Can I have that for my pictures?
Thanks.
You're very welcome.
Daddy?
When are you coming home to live with us some more?
Do you want me to?
When you're ready.
I'm on a tight schedule. I hope they're ready to leave.
I'm sure they are.
There are your patients, Doctor.
Thanks, Officer. We'll just be a minute.
Officer, is something wrong?
Everything's fine, Doctor.
Nice going, Doc.
FEMALE ANCHOR: Opposition leaders
have threatened continued violence
as well as nationwide strikes, demanding new elections.
In local news, the last of the mental patients
missing from Cedarbrook Hospital
surrendered to police this afternoon.
The four are believed to be responsible for the attack on their doctor
during a visit to New York City
and may be involved in the murder of a New York police officer.
The men have just been arraigned at 100 Center Street,
where they entered pleas of not guilty
to charges of assault and attempted murder.
Hmm. I guess that's the last of the James Gang.
Ed, leave it on.
(TV TURNING OFF)
FEMALE ANCHOR: ...bizarre series of events.
Forget him, Riley. The guy's insane.
At least he's not a schmuck.
Just one? Uh, no comment.
You'll have to wait for my report.
News at 11:00. Let's go to the videotape.
I shall rise again in three days. Count on it.
I got a big story for you. We came to town to see a ball game.
Now they want to give us the chair.
I love New York. Bring your kids. Have 'em arrested.
Do some time in the Big Apple.
I got it confirmed. Our man is off the room.
Great.
The bad news is the patient's starting to come around.
We'd better get there before he answers any questions.
What kind of moron takes four mental patients to a baseball game?
Ceramics. Ceramics. That's more our speed.
Making those little ashtrays with our fucking names on it, goddamn it!
We're the drool patrol.
Are you gonna replace that mattress?
I think we do your lobotomy right here and now. Scrub up, Albert.
That does it, Caufield. Electroshock.
You'll be whistling a different tune at 240 volts.
(SCOFFS)
You're not a doctor!
You don't have the medical background to squeeze a pimple!
You guys ought to be cast into the outer darkness.
The rec hall will look pretty damn good from the bowels of hell.
You listen to me, you nut ball. I got big news for you.
You're gonna be the first supreme being
ever to make a license plate!
Working with metal. Next on Mr. Fix It.
And you. You... You're nothing. You're not anything.
You know what's going on, don't you? You know.
He probably speaks seven different languages.
Then he sneaks off to call his broker.
But we'll never know. You know why?
'Cause you're a professional basket case.
You're too damn scared to be a real person.
Go ahead. Sing us the national anthem, you bozo.
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BARS RATTLING)
INMATE: Hey, you sucka!
So, you got a lady here to see you.
Didn't this place used to be blue?
That was the 15th Precinct.
Oh, yeah.
You know, the smartest thing you
can do right now is walk out of here.
I wanna help you guys.
What do you wanna help us for?
I don't even wanna help us. We're hopeless.
What's hopeless? Me, you, those guys in there? What?
Those guys are lab rats.
I saw you get arrested for one of those lab rats.
Hate to break it to you, Billy,
but you're not a street fighter anymore.
You're a den mother.
I'm a den mother in stir.
(SIGHS) Can you get up to Mercy Hospital?
Somebody's gotta warn Dr. Weitzman.
There's two guys trying to kill him, and they're both cops.
I swear to God.
Cops?
They're undercover cops. One guy's older with gray hair.
The other guy's much younger. That's all I know.
OFFICER: Come on. They're moving you now.
I swore this wasn't gonna happen to me again.
What?
You. It's awful.
(GIGGLES)
Come on. You're breaking my heart.
You're busting my balls.
How you doing?
MAN ON PA: Lieutenant Harrison to the dispatch office, please.
Where'd you get this little beauty?
Courtesy of that bust down on Canal Street.
No serial number, no sales record.
All it does is go, "Ping."
(ENGINE STARTS)
OFFICER: Come on. Come on! Keep it down in there!
Missed you.
Well, you boys look like you're already back on Thorazine.
What did he say?
He called me a shithead.
The guy called me shithead.
I love it. I love it! You're right.
I was a shithead. I'm sorry.
Albert, this might be the highlight of my report.
It's a goddamn miracle.
It's not a miracle, Jack. No, it's not a miracle.
See, Weitzman knew what he was doing.
Weitzman knew what he was doing.
Albert just told me where to get off. That's progress, right?
Henry, you went home, you discovered you
work at the department of sanitation, right?
Jack, you remembered you're a better copywriter than a messiah.
I got news for you psychos.
We're getting better.
We're getting better, and we're not gonna let them take us back
to finger-painting class, are we?
Are we gonna let those cops bury Weitzman?
Are we?
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Come on. Keep together.
Ooh!
What's wrong with him? Gotta take a leak.
Tell him to hold it.
Okay, but it's gonna be like driving around in a litter box in there.
Ooh!
Dr. Talmer, I'm gonna take one of 'em back in.
(WHIMPERING)
Book 'em, Danno!
Don't move! This man's insane!
Get your ass over there.
Nice goin', Albert.
Another win for the Yanks.
I'll take that, Albert.
Henry,
give the gun back to the guard.
I know I can count on you.
I appreciate that, sir.
I hope this won't affect our relationship
or my standing at the hospital.
Let me hold the gun. No.
I let you sit in the front seat.
(SIGHS)
Jack, Jesus Christ would never point a gun at another human being.
Stay out of my psychosis and get your ass in that van.
Hope these aren't too tight, fellas.
Now, I hope everyone got the partners they wanted. (LAUGHS)
ALL: Yeah!
Come on!
If we're not at Eastside Psychiatric in 15 minutes,
every policeman in this city will be looking for you.
Then that's where we're going.
(SIREN WAILING)
They've gotten themselves pretty worked up.
I'd recommend 25 milligrams of Thorazine at four-hour intervals.
Ooh. I don't know, Doctor. I don't know if 25's gonna do it.
Remember, we had to restrain one of them.
Let's go for 50 or 100.
What the hell.
(MEN YELLING)
VERBOVEN: I'm... I'm a medical doctor!
TALMER: You're making a mistake.
This is Dr. Verboven. I am a doctor. I am Dr. Talmer.
You don't understand!
Paranoid delusion.
A couple of them actually think they're doctors. Tragic.
Go easy on them. They've been through a lot.
TALMER: We are the doctors! They are the patients!
WOMAN: Oh, the pain.
NURSE ON PA: Dr. Sachs, please call 452.
Dr. Sachs, please call 452.
Weitzman?
555. Thanks.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Wait a second! Yo!
Thank you.
BILLY: Albert, sit up here.
All right. Listen, all I want you to do is
sit here and stay out of trouble, okay?
You better give me that gun for safekeeping.
(SIGHS) All I'm asking you guys for is a
couple minutes of sanity in there, all right?
We're doctors. Remember, we're doctors.
We're not wackos, okay? Jack, not a peep out of the messiah.
I'm not gonna make any death threats.
Henry... Actually, Henry, do your stuff.
Ready? Let's go.
Come on.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Hard to believe those patients could do something like this.
The Lord will judge them, Dr. Bauer, not you.
Certainly. You know their pathology better than I do.
That we do.
Arise and walk, my son.
Dr. McDermott's a great believer
in the natural healing powers of the mind.
BAUER: I see.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(DOORS OPEN)
This is Dr. Meekum, our chief neurologist.
Meekum.
We have some reservations about the move.
Relax, Meekum. The guy only weighs 150 pounds soaking wet.
It's not like you're trying to move a piano or something, huh?
Excuse me. Do you have an extra stethoscope?
Sure. Take this one.
How about one of those ear lights?
I love these things.
Come on, Henry.
555?
Down on the right.
The patient has a fractured ankle,
but I'm more concerned about the
short-term trauma of the parietal lobe.
I'm concerned too. This chart is a mess.
Smudges, poor penmanship, no regard for margins.
Dr. Verboven can be such a perfectionist.
Yeah, but that's what makes him such a great diagnostician.
Vital signs are good. Zip code checks out.
Okay, great. Dr. Meekum, thank you very much.
You're my kind of neurologist. Fellas, let's do it. Huh?
Come on.
NURSE ON PA: Dr. Thompson, call Dr. Richard.
Hey, I know you. Yeah?
Yeah. Dwight, right?
Hey, you can read.
Yeah. You used to work at Lenox Hill.
Maybe I did. You never know.
Yeah, well, we were just wondering
why a good-looking guy like you has stayed single for so long.
Hey, Dwight Smith was born single,
and Dwight Smith's gonna die single.
Dwight Smith is gonna die unemployed
if he doesn't get that monitor down the hall.
Bye, Dwight. See ya.
(WHISPERING) Billy, I think they're here.
Well, looks like we're going to lose you.
Your colleagues have come to take you home.
Well, Dr. Weitzman, I'll bet you didn't expect to see us, did you?
No. Look who's here.
Dr. Verboven. Henry.
Dr. Henry Verboven. That's exactly right.
(CHUCKLES)
And, uh, Nurse McDermott made it as well.
They're very close.
Quite a devoted staff, Dr. Weitzman.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know we're under a little bit of a time crunch here.
We've got Officer Ianuzzi downstairs waiting in an ambulance.
So, shall we?
Dr. Bauer, would you mind if I had a few
moments alone with my colleagues?
Certainly. Thank you.
What? What? What?
Hey!
Riley.
Dr. Riley?
No. Just Riley.
I have a feeling it's time for group.
If you're wondering what happened to
my clipboard, I gave it to my daughter.
I went back to the agency.
If they get Mitachi, they're gonna need some good copy.
I might have to let Murray go though.
NURSE: Get me security.
Get him to the ambulance.
Excuse me.
There have been a number of obscene
phone calls made from this extension here.
This isn't for personal use, girls. Ah, ah! Hey! Hey!
Come on! Next time you guys get the urge, use a pay phone, okay?
Come on. Hey!
(IMITATING ENGINE)
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Damn!
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(SIREN WAILING)
Look out!
Oh, God!
Shit!
Albert, you okay?
Safe at home!
Let go!
Henry, do something!
Damn.
Really love these things.
Where's Riley and Weitzman?
They went that way.
No! Game's over.
Wrong.
Yes, Billy!
I'll shoot the girl.
Go ahead. I got lots of girlfriends.
I'm a police officer. Drop the gun.
I'm a mental patient. I'm not impressed.
Well, you're not this crazy, are you?
Actually, this is my idea of a good time.
I'm gonna count to three. Billy!
(GUN CLICKS)
I'm not even gonna count. Gimme the gun.
(SIGHS)
Gimme the gun!
Get your ass against the wall.
Come here.
Girlfriends?
What's this talk about the girlfriends? I was kidding!
He thought I was gonna shoot. You thought I was gonna shoot you, right?
See? Turn your ass around, or I'll blow your head off.
(SIGHS)
Attaboy. See?
Statements from Dr. Jeffrey Weitzman
and the four missing mental patients
have resulted in the arrest of two detectives
from Manhattan's 15th Precinct,
who are being charged with the murder
of fellow officer Orlando Alvarez
and the attempted murder of Dr. Weitzman.
The four patients were singled out for high praise
from Captain Lewitt and from Police Commissioner Warden.
FEMALE REPORTER: At the Bronx Zoo today, officials welcomed
the arrival of two new pandas,
which are a gift of the People's Republic of China.
This is really a weird feeling.
All these cops around and nobody's arresting me.
(SCOFFS) Do you miss it?
No.
The only thing I've missed in the last year and a half is you.
(LAUGHS) Don't get too normal on me, okay?
Not a chance.
Hey, Doc!
Do you think he's ready to get out?
Yes. I'd have to say the prognosis looks very good.
Henry, I'll field this one, if you don't mind.
I'm gonna agree with my colleague. I think it looks pretty good.
Hey, Billy, we gotta go. Are you sure you can drive this thing?
Second at Daytona.
WEITZMAN: Where are Talmer and Verboven?
Eastside Psychiatric.
May I ask what they're doing there?
Yeah, I had 'em committed. They were totally out of control, Doc.
Wacko. I think you'd have done the same thing.
Medication was indicated.
I prescribed 100 milligrams of Thorazine.
It'll all be in the report.
You know, I've had my differences with Henry in the past,
but I must say he impressed me with his thorough professionalism.
Thursday, chicken a la king.
TV.
Ping-pong with Kenny.
(WHISPERS)
Did Albert just talk to you?
Yeah. He said they're playing two tonight at the stadium.
We still have $42 left.
42 bucks would get us four in the bleachers
and a couple of dogs.
What, are you suggesting an unsupervised trip?
You didn't do us a lot of good on the last one, Doc.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
(HORN HONKING)
Hey, Bill.
Bring me back a dog, would ya?
HENRY: Hey, guys, is it time for a hug?
JACK: I don't think so.
BILLY: Maybe after the game.
ALBERT: Play ball!
(HIT THE ROAD JACK PLAYING)
WOMAN: (SINGING) Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: What you say
WOMAN: Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: Oh, woman, oh, woman
Don't you treat me so mean
You're the meanest old woman I have ever seen
I guess if you say so
I'll have to pack my things and go
WOMAN: That's right
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: What you say
WOMAN: Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: Oh, baby, oh, baby
Don't you treat me this way
'Cause I'll get back on my feet someday
WOMAN: I don't care if you do 'Cause it's understood
You ain't got no money You're just no good
MAN: I guess if you say so
I'll have to pack my things and go
WOMAN: That's right
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: What you say
WOMAN: Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: Oh!
WOMAN: Buster!
MAN: What you call me?
WOMAN: You are ridiculous!
MAN: What?
WOMAN: Why don't you just pack your little
suitcases and go on back to Bogalusa?
CHORUS: Yeah!
MAN: Well, I just may do that, baby!
I just may go hit the road and try to find myself.
WOMAN: You find yourself. Well, if you do and when you do...
CHORUS: ...get lost! MAN: Who, me?
CHORUS: That's right
WOMAN: Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: What you say
WOMAN: Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more
MAN: You cannot do this to me!
WOMAN: And don't you come back no more
MAN: Oh, baby, please!
WOMAN: And don't you come back no more
MAN: Ah!
WOMAN: And don't you come back no more
MAN: But... But, baby!
WOMAN: And don't you come back no more
MAN: Oh, baby, please!
WOMAN: And don't you come back no more
Don't you come back no more
And don't you come back no more
Don't you come back no more
(MAN SOBBING)
Don't you come back no more
No more, no more
Don't you come back no more