So, from all the stories you've collected
For your book, would you say that,
In general, sex after kids is terrible?
Yes!
In fact, the jury is still out as to whether or not
Kids are good for marriages.
Period.
There's a psychological study that says that
83% of couples suffer some form of moderate
Or severe crisis after kids come into the picture.
I would say then, the answer is,
Professionally speaking, of course,
That kids are not good for your sex life.
At all!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
- Hey. - Hey.
Finally get her to sleep?
Mm. Down like a clown, Charlie Brown.
Excellent
- Mmm. - I'll drink to that.
What's all this?
Well, I thought it would be nice for a change.
Pretend we're adults, right?
Are you trying to seduce me?
And you got some tomato sauce on your chin, too...
- actually. - Oh.
Babe, I'm covered in spit up and I'm exhausted.
Can we try, maybe tomorrow or later this week?
Yeah, sure.
That'd be fine, sure.
You're mad.
No, I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?
Because it's been a while.
It hasn't been a while, it's been a year.
It has not been a year.
Right, then it's been 359 days.
And eleven hours.
- No. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Really? - Mhmm.
Okay, all right. Let's go.
Where?
We're gonna have sex right now.
- Are you serious? - Yep. Let's go.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
- That's nice. - Yeah, yeah.
That's good, you good?
Oh, yeah.
Mm-kay.
So do you want, want me to start now, or...?
Start?
What the hell have you been doing?
I don't know, gaining entry?
Oh!
Okay, okay. No no no. No.
Stop. Okay, we're done. This counts.
- What? - Yep.
Counts? As what? That was two strokes.
Come on, give a fella a fighting chance here.
Okay.
Ahh! No, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We're done. I'm sorry, babes. You're killing me.
It feels like I'm having sex with branding iron.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry, ever since the baby it just...
Oh, okay, okay.
Okay, we don't have to do this now.
- Okay. Okay. - It's fine, okay?
- Just... - What?
Can you just stop. Just don't move. At all.
- At all? - At all.
Don't move?
Yes.
Does losing my erection count as moving?
Yes. So don't.
Babes, when was the last time you trimmed your nose hair?
Can we keep this remotely sexy, please?
I'm, I'm here trying to please you.
Right? I'm trying to pleasure you.
Aw, you want to pleasure me?
Yeah.
Will you let me sleep in tomorrow?
Sure, okay. Just...
Okay, sorry!
Hello gorgeous.
Vanessa?
And in the first time in well over a year,
Vanessa Thomas is expected to make an appearance
Tonight at the annual Humanitarian Awards.
Tune in tomorrow morning to see what she wore
Down the red carpet.
Hun? What are we going to do if we run into...
What are you doing?
The limo's going to be here in half an hour.
No. Its more than I need.
Here. Take.
Hey oops.
Whoa. He's burning up.
He's just a little hot, Sean. The sitter will take care of it.
You look like hell too.
Well of course I look like hell. Let me put my face on.
Oh, hon hon hon. He got you sick!
No. We're going out, Sean.
We're going out and I'm gonna have
The time of my Li...
Did you just throw up in your mouth?
Hon, I'm calling the sitter.
No! You're being honored.
Yeah but... I'll just go.
No! We'll both go.
No, come on, hon, he, obviously he needs you.
Not some stranger.
No no, but Sean, I bought, I bought a dress.
And shoes.
Hon. Be honest, you don't do heels anymore.
Hey, you watch it.
I can still rock a pump.
I know. For fifteen minutes.
Yeah, but no...
But those are a fierce ass fifteen minutes.
Watch me go!
I am calling the sitter.
Sean...
You suck, Sean!
Right back at you.
And if you need us, you call us.
And, and if it's an emergency
You call Gage or Larissa.
And take cabs.
Public transit is filthy and the streets are full of vagrants.
Okay, Mom-
Do you need any money?
Mom. I have a job and you know that... Okay.
Dad, can you help me out a little bit here please.
You're going to be just fine, kiddo.
Mwah. Mmm.
Now. Give 'em hell.
You guys are gonna be bored out of your minds
Without me around here.
Oh, we'll all be just fine, won't we, hon?
Of course we will.
Your Dad and I know how to entertain ourselves.
Mhmm.
Let's start with the yellow this time.
The yellow pieces. Get me all the yellow pieces.
Thank you.
I'm tired.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sure. Yeah.
Oh.
Oh my g... oh my god, faster, faster, yeah!
Right there. Right there!
Get it! Get it!
Horton?
What's wrong?
Would you care for some...
Sex?
God, you do know how to make me laugh.
You thought I... Yeah.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
I just... I just don't understand it.
I don't understand how you can sit there
While your child's heart is breaking in the next room.
His heart is not breaking.
He's just pissed off
That we're not rocking him to sleep.
Two nights. That's all the book says it'll take.
It's torture.
We are not torturing him.
Please.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy, I love you!
Hey! No!
What're you doing?
Ohh.
Foreplay. It'll take your mind off the cries.
If I have sex with you while our son is screaming
In the next room, I'm forever going to associate
Intimacy with pain.
Oh, well that's kind of hot, isn't it?
Pussy!
Shh.
Oi!
Let's make a deal, alright?
You go to sleep straight away
And your first fake ID is on Uncle Peyton.
All right?
You gonna be alright with her?
Yeah, sure. What can go wrong?
Everything can go wrong, Pey.
Every night I high five myself just for keepin' her alive.
Listen, I have TeleHealth on speed dial.
If you call though you've got to ask for Marcy,
She's nice and sort of knows me a bit now.
So, everybody else just sort of threatens to call
Social services on you.
Are you goin' out dressed like that?
Yeah. Why?
Oh, depends. You want to get laid?
I don't know. I mean yeah, I suppose.
I just wanna go out and meet somebody nice,
You know, who might like me.
Sort of test the waters a bit.
You're a single mom, you don't got
Time to be fucking about.
Go out there and have some fun.
Do you mean like dodgeball?
I mean like gettin' fucking laid.
Okay, well I mean, I sup... I suppose I could give it a go.
Have you seen my diaphragm?
'Course I haven't seen your fucking diaphragm.
Besides you're protected.
You know, your tits and whatnot.
Wha-what do you mean?
Oh, I was fuckin' this bird back home
And she said she couldn't get pregnant
While she was breastfeedin'.
Saved a fortune on condoms.
Are condoms very expensive now?
You're missing the point of the story, love.
Right. Okay.
Yeah, so my father took off when I was a baby,
So there's a special place in my heart for people like you.
Nobody ran off on me. I, I, I chose this, you know.
Oh!
Yeah, I knocked myself up.
Yeah.
I mean, well, no.
I mean, I didn't knock myself up.
I went to one of those sperm banks, you know.
Well, spank banks I think you call them.
Well, I mean, I don't know if you do, but...
Anyway, I've always just really wanted a family,
You know, just, I've always just sort of had this hole
Inside of me that kinda needed filling up,
So I just, I thought maybe a baby
Could do that, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! No, it's so true, they...
I mean it's not, you know, it's been different
Than I expected, so...
I mean don't get me wrong, I love the baby to bits,
I really do, you know, but...
God, I mean they poop a lot, don't they?
And they suck. It's all a lot of sucking.
I mean, it's already eatin' me out of house and home
And it's only me boobs.
So you know, here I am.
Just kind of out and about.
- Looking for love. - Yeah, yeah...
No! No, God, no.
I'm not... no love for me just, uh, just casual.
You know, just gettin' out.
Yeah, I mean, God, who in their right mind's
Looking for a single mom?
You know, I mean maybe a pedophile, I suppose.
Not that you're a pedophile. Are you?
No!
So you know...
I mean, my brother put it best, you know,
He put it like:
The hole I need fillin' up is probably
Not an emotional one.
You know, it's a... a different hole...
Your brother told you this?
Yeah. Yeah.
And, good news is, we don't need a condom.
Because of me tits.
So. We just, ah, we just do it...
- God! - Oh!
Oh, fuck! Oh!
- Oh, god! - Shh.
You're gonna, you're gonna wake her, you're gonna wake her.
Oh, God, it's so fucking hot that you're a Dad.
- Oh! - Thanks.
Oh, god. Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck. Turn me over.
Yeah. Oh God.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Pull my hair.
Oh, god yeah!
Oh, punish me, daddy.
Oh, fuck.
Smack my ass.
- Smack your ass? - Yeah!
Oh, punish me.
Oh, punish me, daddy.
Fuck me, daddy!
Oh, punish me.
I love the way you fuck me, daddy!
- Oh! - Okay, okay.
I can't do this. I'm out. I'm out.
Oh, please will you just give Uncle Peyton a break. Look...
I could smother you and you wouldn't even know it.
I didn't mean that.
I love you, honestly, to pieces,
But will you please just shut the fuck up!
Pey? You all right?
How do I turn her off?
You mean they're not supposed to scream bloody murder all the time?
Are you sure this is
How you're supposed to put her to sleep?
It's not so bad, you know, once you get used to it like.
I don't know whether I could ever put up with that.
It makes me want to eat glass.
You know what Lou,
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to stay here.
Well, what are you going to do?
You going to go buy a house
With all your inheritance money you pissed away?
Hey, there's no need to be a bitch about it, all right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Pey, I didn't mean that.
Stay.
Be my nanny.
- Fuck off. - No, come on.
It's free room and board.
No seriously, fuck off, I'm just passing through.
I've got plans.
Besides, what d'you need a Nanny for anyway?
Well, it's harder than I thought it was gonna be...
You know, doin' it on my own...
Hey!
Hey, she stopped crying.
See, it's not so hard.
Why are you back so early anyway?
I don't know.
Couldn't close the deal, eh?
You see, you were searching
For the wrong type of man.
What you need is a sexual deviant, you know?
Someone who'll smash your back doors in
And walk away without a second thought.
You know, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just give up
On all this love and fulfillment lark.
I mean, it's never done me any favors, has it?
Just been a slew of endless
Disappointment and rejection.
Right.
That's it.
No more love for me. Only lust for this trollop.
Right? Yeah?
I'm gonna get out there and I'm gonna get someone
To really give it to me.
You know, someone, someone who'll say,
"Who's your Daddy"
And really smash in my side door...
- Your back door... - My back door!
Yeah.
How do I find a social deviant?
What, what do I do?
Well you know, basically you gotta clearly indicate
What you will and you won't do, all right?
Um... dirty Sanchez. Strawberry sundae.
That sort of thing.
Okay, well Strawberry Sundae sounds all right.
How's that work?
Well, it's when you release your demons
Into the lady's face, and you know, when she can't see,
You smash her one in the nose.
Strawberry Sundae.
That's awful.
Who would do such a thing to another human being?
Oh, Peyton! Don't do that to someone!
She asked me too...
Oh. Well. I suppose if she asked.
Yeah.
How old is he?
Two and a half.
Aw.
So, do you mind if I ask how you two met?
- Online. - A bookstore.
We, we actually met online
But it embarrasses her to say that, so...
No, no! That's amazing.
I just always assumed that online dating was for losers.
No, you're not losers!
I loved it. I order everything online, so.
Order, seriously?
Really?
So which one of you gave birth, then?
Excuse me? Which one of you is the real mom?
Oh, uh...
We both are.
Maybe one of us carried him in her womb, you know.
Maybe... maybe we both adopted him.
Maybe one of us...
Donated an egg and the other one carried it.
Doesn't really matter, we're both raising the child
And we're committed to his well-being
Which makes us both real moms.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I just... I didn't mean to offend you.
I just don't...
Know the, the protocol for people in your situation.
Our situation?
It's, it's funny cause it's not actually a situation,
We are... we're lesbians.
It's our family.
Are you retarded?
No...
We should go to the park more often.
Who the fuck still talks like...
Hey hey, language.
Who the fiddlesticks still talks like that?
"People in your situation. " Say lesbian!
Hell, say dyke, for all I care.
You know it's over, right babe?
I know.
Maybe it's not such a terrible question, though. I mean...
Maybe one of us should be more Mom
And then the other more Dad.
And if so, I call Mom.
Why, so you can have the monopoly on being cute?
I like pink.
No. Look. One of our strengths as a couple
Is how different we are. Maybe, um...
Maybe we should embrace that.
Give him a little bit more structure.
You sound like a pamphlet.
Cunt.
Language!
Oh, no, that's not a swear, it's an actual body part...
Okay, it's a swear,
But you were being a bit of a cunt.
Ah! Hey, hey, hey!
We are gentle with people and things.
We are...
Gentle with people and things.
Except when we're being a cunt.
# The wipers on the bus go, swish, swish, swish,
# all through the town.
# The people on the bus go Hi, Hi, Annie
- Honey. - Hey, honey!
You're home early.
Yeah! Uh, where's the baby?
Oh, she's upstairs napping.
So you were just singing that to yourself?
It got stuck in my head?
Okay, let's go with that. Um...
I've got a little surprise for you.
Oh!
I like surprises.
Okay, just a second...
Come on in.
Nice to meet you.
So to summarize, the issue is that when Jules
Is in the mood,
It's always during the day when Ben is at work,
And when Ben comes home, you are simply exhausted.
Exactly. Yep.
What about the weekends?
Oh no, That's... that's when stuff's getting done
- around the house. - Yes. No...
- We have to do laundry... - Lot of things, yeah...
- And shopping. And laundry. - Right.
There's a lot of laundry.
Yeah. It's not uncommon.
But what most couples don't realize is that, on average,
Seven to twenty minutes is all it takes to have sex.
Less time than laundry.
I'm sorry, are you criticizing the way that I do laundry?
- Ooh. - Because, um...
- I pre-soak my cloth diapers - Yeah.
- So... - It's pretty important.
- Presoaking is kinda crucial. - Yeah, it takes a long...
- The stains will cake right in - longer but...
- And I think... - It's an investment.
I think he gets it. No one's saying it's a bad idea.
No, no, no. I'm saying,
I'm saying that I just want both of you to be aware
Of each other's investment,
You know?
I mean be Ben is...
Clearly, sexually...
Frustrated, aren't you Ben?
It's be... it's been a year.
No. No!
The other night...
- Oh, that thing, you do not, - We had sex.
You do not get to count that.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, I count it.
- Nope. - It counts.
- A year. - Yeah.
And your baby's six months old.
Right.
Well, my gynecologist said that it couldn't hurt
To abstain from sex during pregnancy.
What did your dentist say?
Okay...
What did your proctologist say?
- Oh, he says you're gross. - Okay.
He comes... he comes up with a good question.
There's a difference between
Abstaining from vaginal sex
And sexual contact all together.
Now...
Let me ask you...
Do you have a reason...
For avoiding fellating your husband?
Mother's don't fellate.
- Yes, they do. - No they don't.
What? There's a, there's a whole genre of porn...
- devoted to that very idea. - Ohh...
Now, I... I'm gon... I'm going to suggest something here
That I suggest to all my clients.
For one hundred days
I want you to have sex every day.
I haven't done that since college.
When...
Did you do that in college? We were together in college.
Not the whole time.
Um.
When we...
Have sex and I have this... burning sensation.
It just, it doesn't go away.
Oh, there's a pamphlet for that...
I want you to, to treat this hundred days like exercise.
It doesn't sound like a great idea at the time,
And we always make excuses for not doing it,
But once you start -
It's good.
And when you really get into it - it's pleasant, really.
Pleasant.
What do you say, honey?
You want get into something...
Pleasant with me?
- Sure. - Yeah?
Yeah.
We'll still do the laundry though, right?
Yes, we'll still do the laundry.
Okay, good. I just put a fresh load in.
Yeah, well, I would like to put a fresh load in
Myself, from time to time.
Okay...
She served it up, Doc. It's a...
But you don't have to bring it-
Put a "fresh load" in.
Did you want another cup...
Coffee?
No. Thank you.
- Okay. - Okay.
Oh...
He's so cute! How do you stand it?
Oh, the incessant screaming helps balance it out nicely.
There's my little Oopsie.
I've been meaning to ask you...
Why do you call him "Oopsie"?
Oh, it's just Sean's nickname for him.
You were a big surprise, weren't you, baby?
I've missed seeing you on television.
Oh! Thank you for saying that!
You know, Horton and I were both very surprised
That you didn't go back to the show
After your maternity leave.
It was the baby weight, right?
Oh god, no. I've lost all the baby weight.
Oh. Of course you have.
No, I, ah, I just decided that it was just important
To stay home to raise this little guy.
And Sean makes more than enough for both of us,
So just, why bother with all of the drama, you know?
So...
How's being a full-time Mom working out for you?
Well, uh, I um...
I've lost my mind,
Is what's happened.
I've always thought that, if I was ever going to have
A, just a dirty, nasty little thing, I would...
Keep it in a closet until I needed it for a charity event
Or something. But! I've gone Full Metal Stepford here.
a strict formal dress code,
There was 82 handmade gift bags, a $5,000 candy table,
12 different kinds of sandwiches
Including the swordfish canapé, which was lovely.
Looks like you covered everything.
Yeah, no yeah yeah.
Everything, except, uh, other kids.
You forgot to invite other children?
We don't know any other children.
Oh. I see.
So, uh, how are things here with the empty nest?
Must be like a second honeymoon around here.
Oh...
Well, we're not all as young and sexy
As you are, you know.
I just... I don't find her attractive anymore.
I think I traded in low cuts and long legs for...
Sweat pants and breast milk stains.
That'll all go away. You guys are still having sex, right?
Don't get me started. She's insatiable. It's ridiculous.
You should get some real problems.
Do you know when the last time I even saw Dolores naked was?
I had hair.
I don't even know what we are anymore.
Friends, I suppose...
Well, c'mon, seriously, you're still young, you know.
And you had a good run at it.
You brought up three amazing kids.
There's no, there's no shame in calling it a day
If the passion's gone.
Sean. She is the mother of my children.
Yeah. But they're gone.
Right?
So your penis is still actually in this girl when you decide
That you never want to see her again?
She called me "Daddy".
Ooh.
Okay, so um, couldn't you just say:
"Please don't call me Daddy"?
I mean, that's what adults do, right?
They communicate. They just don't pull out.
It's true, actually.
Larissa never has a problem telling me exactly,
Specifically what it is that I'm doing wrong.
I believe you.
Well, okay, that's because I want to be in a relationship.
Gage is just looking to have a good time.
That is...
Ephraim?
He's okay. Look.
What are you trying to say about me, huh?
Okay, um.
You...
Knowingly choose imperfect women
So that you can use it as an excuse to get rid of them
When you get bored.
That's really shitty, Larissa.
Oh, it is without a doubt shitty.
I don't do that.
Why did you break up with that, uh, teacher?
She had to go to bed too early.
The waitress?
She stayed up way too late.
So wait, you're saying that I'm the problem?
Look.
He's having a moment.
Awwwww!
Oh, come on honey,
Prove us wrong.
Find yourself a nice, normal woman
And give her an actual shot.
Yeah, and where does one find a "nice normal" woman?
Mom Group.
Lots of ladies.
Big... milk-
Full breasts.
Wow.
Ahh.
It's eight o'clock.
Yeah. Yes it is.
Yeah.
Uh, do you want to do this in the bedroom?
Yeah, it's probably most comfortable.
Okay.
Yeah, just have to brush my teeth first.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, well...
We're probably gonna kiss and stuff, right?
Right. Right, yeah.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Okay, um... Oh, did you want shirt on or off? Were you...
Like, were you, are you gonna fondle my nipples...
I didn't really have any nipple plans, per say.
Right. It turns you on, though, right?
Well, yeah, but I thought turned you on too.
You could light my nipples on fire right now
And I would not feel it.
Mmmm.
Yeah?
- That's good. - Good.
You're so...
You're so beautiful.
Thanks.
Yeah.
It's... it's kind of like you're trying to put out a small fire.
Yeah? Cause it's hot?
No, it's just cause you're, you're punching me now.
You're just punching me right in the dick.
- Oh, I'm sorry! - Yeah.
- Just - It's okay.
Why is it sometimes you're so rock hard
And then other days you're like an old woman's breast.
Okay, your dirty talk needs a lot of work.
Okay, do you want me,
Should I fellate you, or something?
Can you think of a less sexy way to ask me that?
How can I get you get hard?
I don't know.
There's all this pressure now.
I know, right?!
I, I, I can't do all this pre-planning.
I need this to be spontaneous.
Feel like I'm doing chores.
Oh, I need to put the dry... Laundry in the dry...
Can we please not talk about laundry, right now?
Okay, seriously...
Okay.
Look, we have to get through this, all right?
- I know. - Somehow.
A hundred consecutive days.
It's supposed to be fun!
Well, he didn't say when we had to start.
We could start tomorrow.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay. Good talk.
Yeah?
Yeah. Go team.
Mmm.
So are we gonna put the clothes in the dryer?
Yeah, I got it. I got it. Okay.
Hon?
How was your day?
Hey Daddy...
Hey... Mama?
Wow.
I finally fit into my lingerie.
Yeah. More or less, yeah.
Is Oops asleep?
He's at, uh, grandma's.
Oof. I, uh, I had a long day.
Great. Let's have a long night.
I just want to grab something.
I'm a little peckish.
I've got something for you to snack on right here.
Yeah...
Um, no, I was, I was...
Something with protein, that's what I was thinking...
Sean. Listen, my, uh...
My ego is holding on by a thread, here okay?
I have had enough of bitches in the park,
That's where the real bitches are, okay?
Talking about how to get their kids to go to sleep
And what kind of apple sauce to eat,
And, and preservatives and... You know, I don't give a shit.
I just...
Want to feel like an woman.
Alrighty then.
What?
Nothing, honey.
Did you let the cat in here?
No. Why?
Really? It smells like rancid urine.
I don't, I don't smell anything.
I'm not crazy.
It must have permeated the cover,
We'll have to burn it.
What?
It's you!
Did you get sprayed by a skunk, or something?
It's hormonal!
What?! How come I've never noticed that before?
Because I put a ridiculous amount of effort
Into not perspiring around you.
That feels great. That's really good.
That feels great.
No no no. Don't touch my kangaroo pouch.
No, I need a time-out.
- The smell. - Don't you dare.
- I'm so goddamn close. - Just a minute.
I can't stand the smell, I'm going to be sick...
No, c'mon! Just seven more thrusts. Man up!
- Come on. - I'm on fire.
Hurry up!
- Four... three... - I'm gonna be sick!
- Nyah! - No, I'm gonna be sick.
Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!
Ohh!
That was amazing.
How long do you think before you can go again?
I think we need to have a talk.
Sure.
Can you, do you remember that bright yellow piece...
- that we had... - Dolores.
Oh, it's serious.
Well...
The other night I asked you if you wanted to have,
You know.
And um, you laughed in my face.
Well...
I thought you were joking, honey.
Why would I joke about that?
Because we never have sex...
Exactly.
Are you unhappy, Horton?
Um...
I think so.
You know, I, I have needs.
And I have to make sure those needs are met.
So if you've decided that you don't like having sex...
I love sex!
Then why aren't we having it?
Okay.
To be frank, it's...
It got a little boring.
The same thing over and over and over again,
I mean, you, you, you had no focus.
There was no attention to what I needed.
A woman needs...
Certain things...
Done to her, to build...
Up to, slowly build up to a climax.
You mean you've never had an orgasm?
No, I have orgasms all the time,
I just never have them with you.
Not even when I touched your "spot"?
Oh, honey...
Where "the spot" is and, and where you thought it was...
Worlds apart.
Well how the hell was I suppose to know?!
It's not like it comes with GPS.
You could have asked.
Okay.
Well...
Now I'm asking.
Okay.
Om. Om nom nom.
You got your peaches here too.
Okay? Let's get Dada some breakfast.
Is that good?
- Morning Dada. - Good morning.
What would you like for breakfast?
Oh...
Mmm
Morning.
Mmm.
What're you doing?
Welcome to Day One, baby.
Ahh...
Oh, she's right there.
I turned her around, she's fine.
You know, she's going to hear us, though.
You know, kids can't make memories
'Til they're about two. I'll keep the moaning to a minimum.
No, I'm sorry, I can't. It's just, it's too weird.
Right. Sure.
Can I make you some eggs?
Oh, I'll, I'll get something at, at work. It'll be fine.
I appreciate the sentiment!
Oh, it was a super awesome sentiment.
It was a lovely gesture!
Yeah, like flowers.
Shoot...
- Hey. - Hey.
What'd ya bring me?
Chocolate! Thank you.
Where is he?
Come on, you know how I feel about television.
Okay, first of all, that's your thing, not mine.
I don't want my kid be a pop-culture ignoramus.
And I prescreened it,
It's all about sharing and shit.
That's not the point.
I had a bunch of e-mails to respond to,
He was crawling all over the keyboard
Wanting to know which button he could push.
It was either that or I lock him in the closet.
Was the world going to end
If you didn't get back to these people right away?
Maybe.
Do you know when the last time was that I checked my e-mail?
You forward poems with kittens and rainbows,
Don't compare that to my work.
Television is not a baby-sitter.
Damn right it's not.
Babysitters are lazy little bitches.
My boy is down there
Learning about the birds and the bees.
Actual... actual birds and bees. It's the honey episode.
Ahhhh]
Huh!
Huh...
Can I bug you about something?
Well, you didn't really give me an option there, did you?
Nuh uh.
How're you doin'? How's your, how's your first week going?
It's really fun.
Yeah. The tips pick up, by the way. Later.
The tips are great.
I'm really happy with it.
Good deal.
How can I help you?
I was just wondering if you could take a look at these.
Oh. Sure.
These are... okay, that's you naked.
They're boudoir photos.
I need to pick three and get them blown-up.
Um, for what?
For fun.
So do you like this-
No! Hey! Okay.
Come on! You didn't even look at them.
That's, that's completely inappropriate.
Why? It's just a naked body.
Have you never seen a woman's naked body before?
Not an employees, no. I um-
Oh look, you're... you're turned on.
Okay, that's... You know what? That's uh...
Don't be embarrassed.
You're supposed to get aroused.
Wow.
I think you're a cutie.
Um...
Oh! I got, I got a phone call. I gotta take this.
I need you to look at these later.
It's my wife.
Whatever.
Hi honey.
I'm horny.
Excuse me?
Ooh, I'm standing against a vibrating washing machine.
You have no idea how good this feels.
Are you kidding me right now?
Oof, can you talk dirty to me?
- No. I... - Hey, Ben!
- Please. - Hey Jeff!
- Please, please, please. - I'm at work!
You are a bad girl.
Yeah. Yeah, just like that, yeah.
No. No, I mean like you are a bad...
Naughty girl, Okay? This is torture for me.
Yeah, tell me how naughty I am.
- Oooh. - No. No, no, no.
I'm not participating in this, okay?
This is doing nothing for me.
Mhmm. Yeah, keep going.
- Okay, I hate you right now. - Oh, baby. Don't stop.
You know that? You're gonna give me blue balls
Because of this. I'm going to be walking around
With a twinge in my nut sack all day.
Oh!
Mmmm.
I just want you to know that this has been
A horrible experience for me.
Oh, that's great babes.
No, you know what, I'm gonna come home at lunch.
I can't. I've got Moms Group.
You are a terrible person.
Love you too.
Hey...
Okay.
Did Lou tell you guys the one about Mr. Funny?
I haven't heard it.
No, no, no. Nobody needs to hear that.
Come on,
Lou, do it for the new guy.
No. It was just...
Lou has discovered her post-baby sexuality.
I swear to God, you have got to write a blog.
Do it!
I met, I met this bloke online.
And he seemed like a very nice guy, you know,
So I, I agreed to have him pick me up for a date.
And so, he made you laugh a lot?
Not really, no.
So, why do you call him Mr. Funny?
No, that's actually his name.
He's, you know, he's a professional clown
For a living.
I mean, I think, I think he was nervous
Because he got in and he just,
He already had on his little red nose
And he reached over and he just honked me breasts.
I mean, you know, I think-I think he was just trying
To break the ice but I was so surprised that I just...
Reached over and I grabbed him by his penis really hard
And I could let go.
You know, and there we both were
Starring at each other. Him...
Cuppin' me jubblies and me really givin' it to his banana.
So things are better with Mark?
Oh.
Mark? No.
He wouldn't put me out if I were on fire.
Oh no, so you gonna get a divorce?
No. No, divorces are horrible for children.
No, we would never put them through that.
I may be a terrible wife, but I'm a great goddamn mother.
Wait. So are you, are you seeing someone...
- on the side? - No.
There are web sites.
You know, for people who just wanna...
Hook-up every now and again.
You know, it's very casual.
It's easy.
I mean, we're all in the same boat, right?
Nobody wants to get into a messy situation.
Do you think you could send me the link?
Absolutely.
Oh, great. Thanks, yeah.
But aren't you just, aren't you kind of, living a lie?
Oh don't be so dramatic.
I mean, we're doing it for the kids.
Mark and I may hate each other, but we...
We love the kids.
And, I mean, we want them to keep their lives.
We don't want them shuffling back and forth
From house to house every other weekend.
I mean... no.
That's not a way to live.
If the, the kids are happy then we're happy.
Aw, yes.
But how can you possible by happy?
Listen.
You have to satisfy yourself as a parent first,
Otherwise it's the kids who really get hurt.
I'm right, right?
So then I just stuck me thumb in,
But you know, even that's only so big, isn't it?
Hmm. Well, how far? Like, nail? Or...
No, I mean, all the way in because that's, you know...
I, I heard it's like past the, past the knuckle
And it's uncomfortable, you know.
Do you always serve your, uh, yogurt in a tube?
Oh yeah, it's brilliant.
Cause, it's yogurt, right? But then...
You know, it's in a tube.
Yeah, but it's not really yogurt.
I mean, have you read the ingredients?
It's got five different sweeteners in here.
Oh, yes.
That's right, I forgot. You're Larissa's brother.
Oh, does Larissa not let you eat things from a tube?
No, it's...
It's the high fructose corn syrup... that's, uh...
It's like crack for kids, right?
Right well we won't have anything in a tube
For next week.
Is that all right? All forgiven, Daddy?
That's... um...
You know... you know, just don't call me Daddy it's...
Sorry.
That's okay.
You know, he's single.
Yeah. No, no. Yeah.
Yeah, he's nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm not, not really looking for anything nice at the minute,
You know, just strictly looking for sexual deviants.
Right now...
Oh.
Well. Good luck then.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, thanks.
Okay.
Can I have my cup back?
- Right, sorry. - Yeah.
So now I want it to be honest, right?
But not necessarily completely truthful.
All right, well... how's this then?
"Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser"
Wallowing in an unending sea of inert,
Drooping loneliness
Looking for needy leech-like, hanger-oners
To abuse with dull stories, kinky sex
And uh, old A-Ha albums. "
Do you think I should mention
That I've got a child?
"With a bastard. "
God, why don't you just say I masturbate every night
And cry myself to sleep?
- Give me that. - Hey!
One more go.
Um... oh!
"I'm A Little Red Hen
And the barnyard feels empty without you. "
Oh yeah, I like that.
Add... okay.
Add "I would like to have my feathers tickled by you... "
Those into henpecking need not apply.
"Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
I'm not writing that last part.
Oh no, it's great, right?
Cause it's a bit risqué, you know, I say...
I say the word "cock. "
Where you going?
No, I say cock.
It's nice, isn't it? If I...
- Hi, sweetie! - Hi, sweetie!
I was just upstairs on the internet
Watching some porn... uh, some stuff, you know,
On the internet uh, um.
The stamina of some of these performers
Is just phenomenal.
They must be on quite the training schedule.
You know, so I made a bunch of notes.
You know, things that I thought could help us
To improve our, you know...
How thoughtful of you, Horton.
For example, um...
Where, where, where is it. Oh yeah, here. Uh...
Did you know that every single video starts
With oral sex.
Really...
Why do you think that is?
Well, because for a woman...
Well, it's because "blow jobs are like flowers for guys. "
I haven't had flowers since our wedding.
Yeah, well, at least you got flowers.
I know.
We could, um, bring a toy into the bedroom.
Where would we get them?
- I, I have a few. - A few?!
Oh Horton, you'll love it.
The first time I had an orgasm with a vibrator
It was like, it was like seeing color
After years of blindness.
I'm also... um, I'm curious about this
Whole anal sex thing, what do you think?
Up the?
You're kidding me, right?
No. No.
It's not just for homosexuals anymore.
I mean, we could try it.
Pumpkin, aren't you, like, worried it'll...
We're not spring chickens anymore,
Things don't snap back like they used to.
Uh...
I mean, considering what we've got to work with.
I mean...
You know.
I think...
It's a risk worth taking.
Good job, honey.
Where are you going, captain?
Shh, go back to sleep.
I have to hoist the jib.
It's the weekend, Sean.
Yeah, I know I just have to take care of
A few things at the office.
Hey.
Let's have a quickie.
I'm good.
What the hell does that mean?
Honey. With all due respect and love,
The other night was the worst sexual experience
Of my life.
Well...
Let me make it up to you.
No, I'm not in the mood.
You're a guy, Sean. Just...
Get in the mood.
What-What do you expect me to do?
You want me to get magically aroused
Every time you want me to?
Oh no.
Should we get, should we get you some Viagra?
No. That's not the problem.
There's a problem?
Honey, listen...
When we first got together
You were this gorgeous model and now you...
You're not. You're the...
Mother-house-wife thing.
Which is great, it's fantastic. It's just...
It's an adjustment.
Don't worry.
House-wife-mother-thing, my ass.
Ahh!
Ow! Fuck!
- Do you mind? - Hey Vanessa... Oh!
Mama!
Yes, he is a Canadian actor, David,
But he lives in L.A. now
So he doesn't do scale anymore.
David, hang on, hang on.
Could I call you back, David?
Call you in a bit.
- You look amazing. - I know.
- You smell amazing. - Shut up.
What're you waiting for?
Oh! Oh God. Oh God, yes!
- Yes, come on! - Don't!
Oh, no. Not right now. Not right now.
Very soon, very soon.
Yes! Dammit! Fuck!
- I got a cramp! - Work it the fuck out!
Can you tell this guy that we need 5% on the backend?
Can I go now? I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
That'll be $500.
Haha, That's cute.
That's cute.
Do I look like I'm being cute?
Something wrong with your Centurion card?
Pay me my fucking money.
Oh...
I'm not sure I have 500...
20, 40, 60...
80, 1, 20, 40...
Don't you ever call me a house-wife again.
Got it?
Okay.
Good.
And I will be expecting champagne and flowers.
Really.
And...
He's asleep.
It's about fucking time.
Whoa.
You having a contest with yourself to see many dishes
You can dirty to make a single meal.
Yes, I am. And I'm winning.
Hey, I'm washing the dishes anyway, so just chill.
It's fine. This is what she does now,
She criticizes every little thing that I do.
Bleh!
It is delightful.
How is criticism a bad thing
If I'm trying to help you be a better person?
Oh, wow.
That's not at all condescending, is it?
You live with this, huh?
I do indeed, let's change the subject.
I'd like to hear more about Gage's love life.
- Oh, yes. - No. No.
How many women have you slept with
Since you've decided to find this
Fine, upstanding woman?
Wow. Judge much?
None.
Really?
You realize that we are substituting sleeping
For fucking, right?
He's trying to make a life change,
Let's not rake him over the coals.
- Thank you. - Okay what you have to understand if we're a little...
Just hesitant to believe that you're no longer a man slut.
Just because Gage
Has massive commitment issues,
And never gives anyone a second chance...
I thought you were on my side.
It's coming. Doesn't mean he can't get his giant head
Out of his ass and become a better person
For the sake of his child of all people!
That was it coming?
I think it's awesome.
Thank you!
I just don't really think that you can do it.
Fuck you, look...
Why the hell do I come over here, my God...
Look...
I just happen to have met somebody.
And it was actually in your Moms Group.
- Mom group! - Mom group!
- Yeah. - Wow.
And she's a regular cacophony of issues.
But she's got something, I don't know.
Anyway, I'm gonna ask her out on a date, I think.
That's great!
I'll get excited when you ask her out on a second date.
You know what, Larissa?
People can change, okay.
Yeah, but just because they can doesn't mean they do.
You know, especially when you reach a certain age.
Yeah, I'm 22 and I'm already locked into
Being a bit of a bitch.
Well, but it suits you.
Do you think so?
- Mhmm. - Aw.
This is just delightful.
I just want to back up for a second...
I'm sorry are you saying that you think that...
Some people can't change?
Cause I...
Or is it just that maybe the people around them
Can't handle that they just might have to change
A little bit too?
Okay, you know what, you're right.
We shouldn't have started talking about this. I'm sorry.
Why? It was just getting started.
Yeah, Larissa, we're just getting started. Come on...
Okay, bye. Thanks you for this delicious
And slightly awkward brunch.
- Yes, it was. - Okay, see ya.
- Bye. - Bye, sweetie!
They're gone. Kid's still napping. You wanna...
Screw around?
Are you kidding?
I, I never kid about screwing around.
How can you have sex with someone you're pissed off with?
If I let something silly like that get in the way
I would never get laid.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke. Ha-ha. Funny.
Why do you think I'm pissed off with you?
Nothing. I need to wash diapers.
Perfect, I'm just gonna go...
Fuck myself then.
Yeah. Have fun.
"Heart Throb"]
Yeah.
I'm heading home.
Mhmm.
I don't care. I'll call him tomorrow.
Bye.
Hey, hey, sexy. I'm home.
Hey.
I'll put this in the fridge.
# Twinkle, twinkle, little star
# How I wonder what you are
# When the blazing sun is gone,
# When he nothing shines upon,
# Then you show your little light,
# Twinkle, twinkle,
# through the night...
Uh, hey.
It's Gage. I was thinking about you.
You know, the, the other day at the Mom's Group
I thought you were really funny.
I just can't stop thinking about you.
Yeah, I found this number in my pocket.
And I thought maybe we could, um,
Take our kids to the park...
To the library.
There's a new bar in Riverdale.
Shnitzel, no.
Tea. It's organic lamb.
Chimichangas?
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe you don't either, and that would be great.
Peppercorn.
No.
Mushroom?
Oh, come on. Be serious.
Linoleum.
Are you seriously saying that you're gonna shout out
"Linoleum!" when you're being molested?
These safe-words'll get you killed.
Well I don't know, Pey, I've never done this before.
What word do you use?
Harder.
Harder?
Mhm.
Well, that's a terrible safe-word.
Why?
Well, what do I say, you know, if I want it harder?
I don't know... peppercorn?
Oh God.
She asleep?
Yep.
How do you do that?
Something I found on YouTube.
I'm right proud of you, Pey.
Yeah, well... you don't want to know what I was searching for
Before I found it.
No.
Hi, it's Lou. I bought this machine used,
So I don't know if it doesn't work or if no one ever rings me.
Wow. Okay. Hopefully it's just broken.
Leave a message.
Hey, Lou. It's Gage, from Mom's Group.
I just, uh, just... just give me a call when you can.
Or text or e-mail or... I don't do twitter. Um... bye.
- What do you like? - Everything.
- Have you been tested? - Last month.
Have you ever committed a sex crime?
- Hard to say. - Why?
Lines are blurry.
- Do you think you have? - No.
- Do you find me attractive? - Love the tank-dress.
- Did you bring handcuffs? - That a deal breaker?
No, got my brother's.
Okay. Mmm.
- Okay. Okay. - Okay.
Talk dirty to me.
All right. Um.
I'm gonna bang you batty.
I'm going to wrap myself around your mildewy meat stick!
Mildewy?
Oh, Sorry. I've not, I've not really done this.
What should I say?
Just tell me you want my gigantic cock.
Oh, I do. That's what I want!
I want, I do want that. I want, I want your gigantic...
It's not really gigantic, though. Is it?
What do you think we should call that?
Is this what you're going to be like this whole time?
No. No, no, no. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Right.
I want your gigantic cock inside of my really gaping vagina.
Gaping?
It's not gaping. It's normal. It's a really normal vagina.
- I just, I thought we were... - Maybe you should not talk.
- Okay. I can not talk. - Okay.
Okay.
Are, are you gonna urinate on me, do you think?
What?
Well, it's okay if you are.
It's just that I have a little drop sheet.
And you can just scoot it under me
And then we don't have to get urine all over the bed.
It's just... my bed.
Is just... that something you are into?
I don't know.
Do you have to go?
No.
Okay, so it doesn't matter. It's a completely moot point, innit?
Just, just have your way with me.
I feel like we kind of lost momentum here.
Oh, no no. We didn't. We didn't.
I remember where we left off. Watch!
I want your gigantic cock inside of my very normal,
Average, run-of-the-mill vagina.
I'm gonna go.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't. No. Wait, wait, wait.
I can do better!
I can! I can do accents!
Put your crazy big penis inside my vagina.
Wow...
Okay, wait. No no no. Hang on. Hang on.
I, I... we can role play. Do you have any fantasies or anything?
I do a very convincing Margaret Atwood.
I'm Margaret Atwood. I write for Canada.
Novels. I'm a novel writer.
It's not even close.
Pey?
Peyton?
Are you out there?
Harder...
Harder!
Well, I think it's safe to say
You're not very good at the whole deviant thing.
I tried really hard, Pey.
Oh, I know you did, love. But...
Surely you know some kind of normal chap
That doesn't mind having a laugh and not taking it too seriously.
Well, there is this bloke in me Mom and Tots group,
Left me a voicemail. I mean, I could give him a go.
Well, there you have it.
I mean, he sounds like a bit of a wanker.
But yeah, sure. Start with him.
I really did try hard.
I know you did.
Oh, shh. You're all right, sweetie.
She's got a dirty diaper.
No, no. She's hungry.
No, no, no. She's making the "heh" sound.
Means she's uncomfortable.
If she was making the "neh" sound - hunger.
It's a sucking reflex. Hits the roof of your mouth.
Oh, how do you know that?
Oh, I saw it on an Oprah rerun.
You watch Oprah?
Hey, what I do during her nap time's my business.
Don't judge me.
Shitty diaper. Told ya.
I really like Oprah.
Oh, my goodness.
This is one seriously bouncy baby.
Hello. How are you?
Do I get... can I get a little...
Coming in for... Okay. Hmm? Huh? Hmm? Huh?
Okay, never mind.
Oh!
Ooh.
I like a little kitchen action here, gorgeous.
Hi. Hi.
Mmm carroty.
I have a plan.
Okay.
We're going to have sex.
Hmm?
- With that? - Sound good?
Oh my God. I like this plan.
Oh, easy. I need some me time first.
- Okay. - Okay?
Okay, so you watch Annie.
If you could finish the dishes and do the laundry
And then we'll have a go.
Oh, if you could switch the sheets on the upstairs bed,
That would be fantastic, actually.
How about forget it?
What?
This is ridiculous.
What? Well, all those things need to get done.
Yeah, and I'll do them because I am a member of this family
And it's my responsibility.
Not because you're dangling sex in front of me
Like I'm a frat boy.
I thought you'd like this idea.
No! I don't, I don't want thanks-for-changing- the-sheets sex.
I want to be Goddamn romanced.
I don't want to feel like I had to earn it.
Okay, well, well. I need to feel relaxed
And knowing that those things are getting done
Makes me feel relaxed
Well, you know what relaxes me?
Being intimate with my wife.
That bond, okay. And it's been a year and I miss it.
Is that why you paid a professional
To tell me to have sex with you
For a hundred days in a row?
I have been reading online... okay?
When you breastfeed Annie, it releases a hormone called oxytocin,
It's basically a love hormone, so you get to feel connected
To something during that time, okay?
It's basically, it's like,
As if you were jerking off all the time.
Okay? So I get it.
I get it why you don't need this as much as I need it.
But I need it.
Babes...
You know, you know what? It's me time. Go have me time.
And I will attend to the never ending cascade of laundry in this house.
Three people live here.
Can you explain how we have so much laundry?
Is Annie running a speak-easy?
And just other babies come to town
And they just lose their shirts playing poker?
Is... are we living on top of an ancient laundromat burial ground?
Could that be it?
Ooh. Shit.
Ahh.
Hello lover.
You look fantastic.
Thank you!
So... how do we start?
Well, I thought we could take some cues
From some of those videos that you watched?
Does that mean I get a blow job?
Sex etiquette. Ladies always come first. Move.
Okay.
It's time for a little yoddle oddle oddle oddle ooh.
And, surprise...
Uh... hon?
What, what's going on down there?
It's called a landing strip. Do you like it?
It, yeah, it's lovely.
I had it done in town.
Wh... what if we run into that person at the market?
Horton...
I don't want everybody in town talking about my wife's landing strip.
Horton, you're over-thinking this. Come on.
Let's get started.
- Okay. - Okay.
What if the kids find out about...
Oh, for heaven's sakes. What is the matter with you?
You have an eager, willing, and if I may say so,
Very sexy older woman lusting after you
And hoping that you shower her with all your wildest desires, honey.
- I'm in. - Ah, good!
- Okay. - Okay.
That tickles!
Ooh! Oh wow wow wow wow wow!
Uh oh! Uh oh.
What? What what what?
My contact lens. Oh, it it. Don't, don't move
- Where is it? - Just hold on for a minute.
I can find it. Okay, there, ah!
- Ahh! - What?
Ohh. Ohh.
Where... I can't see a damn thing.
- A flashlight here - Stay there. Stay there.
- Oh, it's over here. - More to the left.
- Ooh. Oh honey. - Wait, it keeps moving around.
I got, I got, I think I got it.
Oh yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
- Yes! Yes! - Yeah yeah yeah. You're there.
- I got... yes! - You're almost there.
- I got, I think I... - Whoa!
Oh, I like where you're going with that, Horton!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Don't stop! Oh, don't stop! I'm almost there!
Oh, for crying out loud!
Do you realize how stupid we look?
I mean, grandfathers don't go poking around for contact lenses
In grandmother's openings.
That's how you see me? As a grandmother?
I am a sexual being, Horton.
You're a sexual being with varicose veins.
And you have 50 extra pounds that you're never gonna lose,
But I still desire you.
You're the one who came to me complaining about
Our lack of sex.
I know. And I should have left just well enough alone.
But you didn't.
You opened Dolores' Box and I'm glad.
I love you, Horton, and I still have my needs.
The kids are gone and if I do one more fucking puzzle...
I'm gonna kill somebody.
Horton, I will not go back to the way it was before.
It's your call.
Oh, God...
Hey, ready?
For what?
It's date night. The sitter's downstairs.
Oh uh, pfft. I'm sorry. I totally forgot.
Oh...
Ten minutes? Or eleven? Eleven and a half?
Sure.
Awesome.
Um... oh!
Fettuccine Alfredo, that sounds good. I'll do that.
Really?
You're going to do dairy and starch?
Um, yeah. So?
It's just not the most winning of combinations for you.
You were quiet during dinner.
Yeah, I guess I was just trying to enjoy
Every scrumptious morsel of the meal you hand picked for me.
Okay, next time I'll let you feel bloated...
- for the whole night. - Thank you.
- When we go back you can have... - Oh God. It's not about the fucking pasta.
It's that you don't think I can make
Even the tiniest of decisions.
I don't think that.
Okay, great. Then I get to decide what time
Our kid takes a nap, or what snack he eats,
Or what show he watches.
- Now, that's different. - It isn't!
Yes, it is. I'm with him more than you are.
You never have to deal with the fall-out from those kinds of decisions.
I work from home. I'm there all the time.
And yet you never are.
Oh. Okay. You want me to step up and assign roles here?
- From now on, I'm the "mom". - Why?
Because I'm the one who had him.
Wow, you look gorgeous.
Oh, thanks.
Um... I, I brought red.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, yeah! Yeah. I mean...
I think I might be an alcoholic, but you know.
Anyway, what's one drink, right? Come in! Come in. Come in.
Um, I just need a moment, so just make yourself at home.
- I'll be right back. - Yeah, sure.
I think I'm going to bunk it up.
Oh, bollocks. You look great. Just be yourself.
Oh, no. I can't be myself!
Every time I'm myself, I mess it up!
Do you have a little something?
You know, to take the edge off, like?
All right, just the smallest amount.
- Okay. - All right.
- What is it? - Valium.
Okay... where did you get it?
Oh, from a mom in the park. It's for my back.
Huh? What's wrong with your back?
Spasms. I was fucking this wild chick and I...
It helps me get to sleep, all right?
So you just...
Do I drug myself to sleep every night? Yes.
We don't have to tell each other every fucking thing, all right?
Go down there and have some fun.
- Just on the table? - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yeah, thanks. - Looks delicious.
Oh, thanks.
So you like to cook?
Yeah, well you know, you learn a thing or two
When all your dates end early.
Heh, you're funny.
Where's your cutlery?
Um! It's in the glass.
I-I mean it's here! It's right here.
Oh, great.
Oh, no no no. I can do that. It's, it's...
I already got it.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Okay! Okay.
I am having a lovely time.
I just want to thank you, you know?
I-I feel really good around you.
Sorry, I just snotted a little.
Oh, great. Yeah.
But you know, I'm serious.
I-I don't know what it is. I trust you, you know?
Okay. Fuck it. I'm gonna go for full disclosure here.
I have... I have dated a lot of women.
That's nice, yeah.
No, it doesn't. It sucks.
Too many is too many.
I, I always find something wrong with them,
That's the thing, you know, and for a long time,
I thought it was them, but it's not. It's me.
I'm always finding something wrong with them because
There's something wrong with me.
I'm a self saboteur, you know?
I, I choose women who are impossible.
They're too young, they're too crazy, they're too busy,
They don't like kids, they don't like me,
Like, what the fuck?
Anyway...
What was I talking about? Right...
Everybody makes mistakes.
I make mistakes all the time.
I've fucked up a marriage.
I'm probably fucking up my kid right now.
No, I am not.
I'm not fucking up my kid. I will not fuck up my kid.
Okay.
No, sorry. I usually don't babble like this
Until, like, my fourth drink.
Uh...
What I wanted to say was,
When I'm with you I just... I feel like I'm in a safe place.
I think I might have drugged you.
I mean, nothing really serious.
But just sort of an inappropriate amount of Valium.
No, no, no. Pl-please don't do that.
Please, I, I really, I really think you should lie down.
I think you're going to pass out.
Why would you drug me?
Well, it just wasn't meant for you.
It was sort of meant for me.
Why would you drug you?
Well, I just thought it would be easier, you know?
To what?
Tonight. You know, the whole night would be easier.
I mean, I realize in retrospect that was poorly thought through, but I just...
Holy shit. You're fucking serious.
Yeah...
What did you give me?
Oh, no no no no no.
Oh, please don't leave!
Stay! I'm having a really lovely time. Please stay.
Stay for what? What, do you got Rohypnol pudding for dessert?
Oh, God. You know, it was just a stupid mistake.
And, and you just said mistakes were all right!
I don't feel so good.
Okay. All right. Why don't you sit down?
Hmm? Let's sit down, shall we? Yeah?
Could I get you a drink, maybe?
I mean, not the same drink. A completely different drink.
Why did you do this to me?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm just really lonely and horny, you know?
I can't really believe I just said that out loud,
But I am, you know?
I don't really know what I'm doing.
I'm not a very good mother.
My kid cries herself to sleep most nights, you know,
But I love her. You know, I do love her.
I try really hard, but it's all shit, isn't it?
You know, cause you do your best and nobody cares.
And I don't want some man to just come and sweep me off my feet, you know.
That's not what I'm looking for.
And I'm not looking for someone
To just come and hop in and out of bed with me either, you know?
I just want to know someone can stand to be around me, you know,
The me that I am when I'm not trying to be the me that I think everyone wants me to be...
Do you know what I mean?
Fuck! Oh, come on! Wake up!
Okay... come on...
Oh, yeah. Hi, hi. Is, is Marcy there, please?
Oh, I really do need to speak to Marcy.
Okay. Um, right.
Well, my friend and I having a little debate and, um,
I thought maybe I could ask you that if, um,
If I tell you something sort of, say, dodgy...
Do you have to call the police
Or do we have some sort of doctor/patient thing on the go?
Oh you do. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought.
So that's what I'll tell her. Okay. That's great. Thanks.
Oh, you've been great. Okay. Bye!
Fuck!
Oh, God. Why do you have to be so big?
Harder!
Harder?
I just need you to help me with him.
I'm not sure I can be a part of this, I'm an illegal.
It's partially your fault.
You're the one who had the Valium.
Are you being serious right now?
Oh...
Pey, we can't just leave him here.
So, deal with it.
But, I can't.
Yes, you can.
Look.
You're a smart capable woman.
You just do stupid things
Because you don't think you're good enough.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, I'm embarrassing?
You're the one who's illegally in the country
Cause you've pissed away every friend and penny you ever had.
You're a loser too, Peyton. We both are.
Hey, don't talk to me like mom and dad did, all right?
We're better than that.
Oh, yeah. This from a guy who googles
How to take care of a baby on the internet.
Yeah, well at least I'm doing something.
I mean, you can barely touch her half the time.
That's not true!
I'm just so afraid I'll mess her up, Pey.
Look. We had shitty parents.
They didn't give a fuck about us.
So what?
You turned out great.
Don't you know that?
No. Nobody's ever told me that.
You see, that's just it.
You don't have to be told how good you are,
You just need to know it.
You see that girl upstairs?
She doesn't know that we don't know what the fuck we're doing.
But she can have it better than we did.
We can do that for her.
And besides. I just told you.
Ohh.
Lou?
"I'm really, really sorry I drugged you. "
Well, that's nice.
# What do you do
# With a sky so blue?
# Fields all a green
# Where the stream runs through...
I met someone who's really nice at work, but...
# If it all flew away
# And the sky turned to Grey...
# I'd stay
# How do you hold
# all the sun's great gold
# Fields all a green
# Where the stream unfolds
# If it all flew away
# and the sky turned to Grey
# I'd stay
I completely understand why you felt
The daddy comments were inappropriate... thank you.
And I can categorically assure you that it won't happen again.
I think delving into it any further would be excessive,
Though if you need anything more from me by way of apology
I would be happy to proved that.
Pressing on, I'm delighted that you called me
And that we've reconnected...
# If all words fell away
# And there was no way to say
# I'd stay
# With you
# So you'd see
# Oh, how strong Oh, how true
# Is my love, love, love
# For...
# You...
Do you need some help?
I'm all right.
Besides, you're busy.
You're just passing through.
Well...
What if I said I wasn't?
I need to be able to do this.
Okay.
Let's have a song, shall we?
Hi there, Mr. Anti-Social.
Hi, kiddo.
You didn't have any dessert.
I'm, I wasn't hungry.
So, you, you enjoying the big city?
Yes. So much more my speed.
Yeah, it's pretty slow around here, huh?
Well, no. It's just an acquired taste.
So are you gonna tell me what you're all whiny about?
Everything's fine.
Is it, like, a mid-life crisis thing or...
No, it's nothing like that.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Because mom shaved her pussy.
What! Is she like showing everybody?
Ew, gross. No. She didn't like show me it.
She just asked me where I got mine done and so I told her.
Okay. That's enough. I don't need to hear any of this.
I'm the father!
I know that you're my father...
But you don't need to be my daddy anymore.
Look, like I moved out, so...
Don't you think that it's time for our relationship to...
I don't know... mature?
We can talk about grown-up stuff now.
Is that like, so crazy for you? That we're grown-ups now?
No...
I remember when you guys were little and the three of you
Were out playing in the yard one day
And I actually asked myself,
"Whose kids are those? Cause they can't be mine!"
Dad, you were the best.
At the time, I just thought that I would never get used to it.
But now... now...
Now I'm stuck.
Aw.
Your mother wants to have anal sex.
Oh, my God! Dad!
Well, what do I do?
Anal? I don't know!
Well, should I do it?
Jesus Chri... Dad, no! I... I cannot have...
I can't have this conversation with you. That's...
Sweetie, please! I need you.
I mean, what can I do? This is too much for me.
Okay...
Okay, well just...
Keep an open mind...
So you're saying I should?
Oh, my God. I don't know!
I'm not like giving you my stamp of approval, I just...
Um, just, you should do what you have to do,
And then we should never talk about it ever again.
Okay.
Okay...
Well, should I get some lubricant?
God, daddy. I can't.
Did she leave without saying goodbye?
Oh, God! Horton!
Why are you naked?
Because I can be.
You scared the hell out of me.
Shut up.
Excuse me.
Let's fuck.
Now?
Yeah. Now. Right here.
On the floor.
Because we can.
That's our new mantra.
We are going to do everything we want to do.
Because we can.
Well, I love the sounds of that.
What are your thoughts on butt plugs?
Um... Can we start slow?
Yes, we can.
He's asleep?
Mhmm.
What I said the other night...
No, it's fine. It's true.
Oh, don't make me hate myself.
Believe it or not, I can't control
How you feel about yourself.
Hit me back.
No.
You're his mother just as much as I am.
I'm a glorified aunt.
- Oh, stop it. That's not true. - Yes, it is.
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is!
Wow. Are we even now?
No. No we're not.
Cause I can never be what you are.
I can never feel what you felt,
And I fucking resent you for it.
Do you feel better now?
You're an amazing mother.
Fuck you, I'm not!
I'm a control freak and you know what the worst part of it is?
I feel like I have to be because if I'm not, if I'm not a control freak,
Then who the hell am I to both of you?
And what if you realize that you've made a mistake,
What if you realize that you...
That you don't need me.
Oh, you don't honestly believe that?
Yeah...
I do, actually.
You... you nurture and, and stimulate him.
So you couldn't carry him?
So fucking what?
I mean, God, I don't know if you remember this
But I was a fucking nightmare the entire time
And I resented the shit out of you because you couldn't do it.
I'm a mom because of DNA.
You're a mom because that's who you are.
You said to me the other night
That, that I haven't been there for him...
No, I'm sorry. That's not true.
I know.
It's you that I haven't been there for.
How you doing?
I'm great.
Mommy, mommy, mommy.
I'm on it.
Mommy, where are you?
Mommy, mommy, mommy!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah...
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm sorry... Oh, do we have Mom's Group?
No, no. I just, um, I forgot my sippy cup last time.
Oh, right.
Is now a bad time, or...
No, no. I was, um, just getting my laundry on.
Sweet enough?
You never told me what you thought about my pictures.
Oh, you know, I think the, the busboys might have taken them.
I couldn't find them.
No, they didn't. They have their own.
Of course they do.
You look like you need a hug.
- No, I'm okay. That's... that... - Just, just, just a little one.
There, is that better?
So how's stuff at home? Is it just, like, crazy with the kid?
Oh, yeah. Things at home are pretty crazy, yeah.
Both my siblings, they have toddlers running around
And I just don't know how they find time to fuck, you know what I mean?
Well, there's more important things in the world...
Huh uh. I am not gonna let my kid mess with my love life.
That's for fuckin' sure.
Yeah, well you say that now, but you don't know.
No, when my kid is sucking on their soother,
I'm going to be sucking...
Okay.
Hi.
This is not okay.
Why? Why, we're just talking?
This is not talking.
Yes it is. It's body language.
You smell really nice.
I taste nice too.
It's okay. It's okay, just relax.
Just do whatever you want.
What am I doing?
I'm not even close to my house.
Hey... okay.
So, let me get this straight.
She drugged you?
You know, it sounds worse than it was.
Oh, my gosh. She knows where I live.
I let her around my kid!
No, you can't tell her I told you.
Look, it was... I'm sure it was an accident.
What does it matter? You're not going to see her again.
Tell me you're not going to see her again.
Look, she's kind of awesome.
So she's messed up. Who isn't, right?
Oh, my God. You can't possibly be this hard up for sex.
No. Sex is easy. You can get it anywhere, it's...
Maybe you can get it anywhere.
So can you.
Oh, I'll be back.
Hey, you.
- Hey. - Hey.
She's back down.
All right, good.
What's that?
Oh, uh. I heard your laundry ding, so I switched it for you.
I hope that's not...
Honey?
What's wrong?
We have to talk.
It's much easier to fantasize about someone
You're not angry with for missing supper
Or leaving wet towels on the floor.
Someone who is sexually available
When your partner's not.
When the excitement goes out of your relationship,
You can't help but want it back in some form.
You can talk it out, but that's... that's hard work.
You have to say, out loud, things that are uncomfortable and honest.
It's so much easier to check out and find something new
And exciting along the way.
But, the fact that you're here is good.
The fact that you're talking is good.
This is a place where most couples don't even attempt to get to.
That's not something that's going to be solved over night.
This is the first step.
But if you don't, if you don't take that step...
You're not going anywhere.
Okay!
Where'd ya' go, sexy?
Right here... oh!
Hi, honey.
I didn't know you and Oops would be home.
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry!
Well, you know what? Next time write...
"Screwing a fucking whore"
On the calendar beside the fridge.
I am sorry. I...
And you know another thing? Stop calling him Oops.
I hate it when you call him Oops.
Okay. Okay. I promise I will never call him that again.
Oh, it doesn't even matter, Sean,
Because you're never gonna see him again.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm being ridiculous?
- I'm being ridiculous? - Yes.
Who is the one who was having a mid-life crisis on the same bed
Where his son was conceived?
This transition has been big.
Look at the big picture here, right.
Look at it, think about it.
You can't tell me that you were over the moon
About everything that you had to give up
That meant something to you because of some kid.
He's not some kid, you prick.
He's our kid.
He's this little bundle of amazingness
And you don't even realize it
Because you can't see the things that you have, okay?
You only see the things you used to have.
No...
Well if you want that life back,
You can go ahead and you can take it
Because I don't fucking,
I don't-I don't want it anymore.
Oh, come on. Ms. Superior.
You can't look me in the eye and tell me that you don't
Realize that every single minute
That you try to put him to sleep
Is a minute you're never going to get back again.
Huh?
C'mon it's like he's stealing your life away
One stupid children's story at a time.
They're not stupid, Sean.
What do you mean they're not stupid?!
Come on...
What kind of a brother comes over a hill,
Sees a troll, and says "No, no, don't eat me. "
Wait for my brother who's coming up right behind me. "
What the hell kind of lesson is that?
And, and who the hell says, what is it?
"Not by the hair of my chinny, chin-chin. "
What the hell is that?!
Come on.
Honey, be honest with yourself.
Deep down we both want the same things.
See, that's just it, Sean.
I don't think that we do.
You are...
You're just a sad...
Old man whose trying to hold onto his youth.
You're a house-wife.
C'mon. C'mon, I'm sorry. Please come back
And we'll, we'll talk.
Please?
Not by the hair of my chinny- chin chin.
I know this probably makes no difference to you,
But I didn't know he was married.
Do you... Do you have some place that you could go?
I mean, 'cause if you do, you should...
You should go there and don't come back.
I mean, that piece of shit he's never going to change.
He... he'll say that he will.
But he won't.
I mean, he'll beg and he'll plead
But you should just go and not come back.
I mean do it for... do it for your son.
Believe me...
Someone who steps out on their family
Will always step out on their family.
They're just... broken.
You know, I would... I would apologize for all of this,
But I, I really think that I did you a favor.
I mean, now you know what he is.
And that's a good thing, right?
So...
You're welcome.
Ooh!
You know what? I, I'm in this
Really awesome moms group.
I know, I know, but it's just that it's really nice people.
Great kids. Couple of single Dads...
Sorry, it's... too soon. I know.
Actually, it's, it's weird.
It's weird. I'm sorry.
Taxi!
You know what? You take this one.
You, you take it.
- Yeah! - Yay!
What's that?
- Who's this here? - Is this thing on?
Oh, hi! Hi, guys!
I'm sorry we missed the party, but this, this cruise
Was just too good to pass up.
Happy birthday sweetie,
It's grandma and grandpa,
We're gonna bring you some...
Something, very special.
We're going to buy you...
- Hi, guys! - A buffalo!
- What? - Don't be silly.
They say they love you, and they'll see you soon.
- Okay babe? - Mama?
Yeah... well, mama couldn't make it.
Jude! Come play!
- Pretty cute. - She is cute.
I think I'm gonna take Ephraim
To a movie after this.
What do you think?
I think we need to hear more about that movie.
Do you want to go to a movie?
Yeah!
D'you have something I could slip into your drink?
Oh God that's completely inappropriate.
I'm really sorry I-I-I...
I was surprised to get your invitation.
I didn't know if you'd come or not.
I'd be crazy not to come, you're so nice.
You? Crazy? Come on.
I guess I am a bit crazy, aren't I?
No.
You're just dealing, just like everybody else here.
Look, I, I have these tickets to this thing next week.
I thought maybe we could give this another shot.
Maybe brother could watch the kids, what do you think?
Yeah! God, he'd love to. Oh, he's brilliant.
I mean, you know, he's a recovering drug addict,
But I mean, he's great,
You know, cause he's got like, he's got puppets,
He does puppet shows and got little trains.
He does all these kinds of things, he's great with...
What was that for?
I just think you're great.
Even when I babble like an idiot?
What!
Oh, those are the lesbians.
That's Gage's sister and her partner.
Rumor has it, Gage donated the baby juice.
- What? - Yeah!
Keeping it in the family.
Anyway...
They left the group
Over some bullshit snack selection thing,
But they're back now.
Yeah, no, no... Yeah, we've met.
Oh, good!
Uh, excuse me, uh, I found this little fella
Pulling on everyone's pants asking for Mommy.
Oh, and so what, you assume
Because he's black that he's mine?
Yes. That is exactly what I assumed.
Reverse-racism is fun.
No, I'm, I'm kidding.
Of course he's my kid.
Have you seen his face? Have you seen my face?
Thank you.
Hey. Fun fact.
Did you know that toddlers require their Mom's attention
Once every four minutes? That's 210 times a day.
Must be maddening.
Really?
That is weird. How did you know that?
Uhh, I'm a nanny.
Get out of here.
That's actually really cool.
Yeah. I suppose it is.
So, um... do you have any advice for a... single mom?
Why don't you sit and join us?
Okay.
Is that baby alive?
Yeah.
- She's a good sleeper. - She's a good sleeper?
- Hey! - Hey.
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
I wanted to say thank you, for the other day.
Don't mention it.
I wanted, I wanted to thank you for...
For not letting me do something
That I would have regret...
Shh!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay.
So, how long do you think before they cut the cake?
I don't know. Soon.
Between seven, 20 minutes-ish?
Sure. We can do that.
Yeah! Okay.
And don't get me started on tank tops.
I mean, seriously, what are you, on a yachting team?
Wear a shirt. Stupid.
Do you mind?
Hey baby.
What're you doing, I was drinking that.
Oh. Excuse me.
Oh, careful, there's a stick there.
So to answer your question,
I think that having kids is absolutely detrimental
To the sex life of a couple.
But the experience of going through pregnancy,
Childbirth, and later child- rearing with someone else
Allows for a whole new level of trust and familiarity
That I just don't think happens otherwise.
You sure about this, out in public,
People might see us...
I hope so.
I just washed this dress.
My goodness, to what do we owe this new frontier spirit?
Well, I just woke up this morning and thought
"I'm going to have sex with my husband in a bush. "
So perhaps sex after kids suffers,
But maybe something better comes out of it...
"That's You"]
# There is only one reason
# My heart knows what to do
# That's you
# Like a dream that suddenly was real
# And then came true
# That's you
# I was sad and lonesome
# Forever blue
# Clouds of Grey all blew away
# And the sun shined through
# That's you
# Because we are together
# Life is better and brand new
# That's you
# Someone is an angel
# Sent from heaven I know who
# That's you
# I was melancholy
# Forever blue
# Clouds of Grey all blew away
# And the sun shined through
# That's you
# And love is the great adventure
# Some will win
# Some will lose
# But the only one I trust with my love
# That's you.
# Love is the great adventure
# Some will win
# Some will lose
# But the only one I trust with my love
# That's you
# There is only one reason
# my heart knows what to do
# That's you