This is the best job I've ever had.
It better be, it's the last color.
You see, I got fired from The Red Cab Company
and The Checkerboard Cab Company and The Green Cab Company.
But this one's different, I can feel it,
even though I've only been here for about seven days, nine hours and 37 minutes.
Oh, don't worry about him, he's unflappable.
126, voucher pick-up, apartment 17...
Birds never play into the accidents, anyway. It's usually the radio.
- Steve, this guy on Savannah and 29th... - Radio is...
...keeps calling, you got problems? - It's the radio.
Yeah. 23rd into Davenport. You got him on the 2-4...
See? 87 last checked in at 4th and Wall,
which puts him a good 13 minutes away,
while 223 and 41 are both south of the interstate,
which makes them much, much closer to Division and Trent.
And then there's Dave who checked in less than 10 minutes ago,
and I'm sure that he stopped at the Starbucks on Stevens and Trent,
which just makes him right around the corner.
I see the deployment of the entire fleet in my mind,
and the big trouble is, I just... I can't not see it.
- Did you see that? - Was anyone hurt?
What the hell is this?
What is this? What's the matter with you? You crazy or something?
Look at this. Look at all the...
Well, who's gonna pay for all this, huh? I am talking to you.
- This is coming out of you, pal. - We gotta get you home before group.
Yeah. Hey, don't walk away. Come back here. You...
Oh, shoot.
I got your name now, pal.
Hey... Where are you...
Hey, where you going? Hey, where you going?
You can't leave us right here. Hey, you can't leave us here.
Hey, taxi.
Hi, Donald.
- You're late. - Yeah, sorry I'm late, you guys.
You said that last time and the last five times.
You're late to your own group.
Hey! Whoa, no.
Green!
I got a raise at the university, you know, 34 cents an hour.
Nobody cares.
Of course, it's not technically a monsoon,
but 14 inches of rain in 36 hours is nothing to sneeze at,
even in Sri Lanka because...
They said my writing was interesting, per se, but it didn't fit their present needs,
whatever that's supposed to mean.
The Los Angeles Dodgers have had only 16 home games
rained out in 41 years of baseball.
Nearly half of those rain games occurred during the month of April,
and none have occurred during the months of June or July.
I'll call my parents on the phone.
They're picking me up at the bulletin board.
There's no bulletin board at the park. You're screwed.
They'll never find you, ever.
Okay, you guys, we're gonna leave in 10 minutes
if we're gonna make it to the park on time to meet the others.
It's the 17 bus transfer to the 301.
Who needs tokens? Come get them.
They'll never find me, ever.
Regular people lose autistic people all the time, that's just the way it is.
Hey, Gracie, can I see you a minute?
They'll never find me, ever.
Regular people lose autistic people all the time, that's just the way it is.
We'll buy you a cab.
I got a raise at the university, you know, 34 cents an hour.
Yes?
Gracie, I'm gonna run the meeting a little differently today.
I think that when we get to the park,
I want you to gather all the women, and I'll gather all the guys,
and we'll go to the bleachers...
48 is interesting, 'cause when you add the four and the eight together,
you get 12.
And then, if you flip the four and eight around, you get 84,
and then subtract the 48, you get 36, all of which are exact multiples of the 12.
And 36 is interesting, because when you add
the three and the six together, you get nine,
and if you flip it around, you get 63, and then minus the 36, is 27,
all of which are exact multiples of the nine.
- Now, 144, if you add one... - Why do I gather all the women?
I want...
I want everybody to practice telling personal stories,
and I think that people will be less shy without the opposite sex around, you think?
- I can tell them about my raise. - Bad idea.
Your raise is incredibly boring.
As a story, it lacks dramatic tension and narrative drive.
You won't hear it, you're not a girl.
I am, and I'm already bored.
Hey, somebody new signed up, Isabelle Sørensen.
Hey, Gracie, maybe it'd be nice if you let her start,
that way everybody can get to know her. Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm new.
I don't really know what to say.
Okay, help me out, ask me a question.
The candy bar Baby Ruth
was named after the daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
He once worked as a hangman, in Buffalo, New York.
No.
Don't distract me with a lot of weird-ball stuff, 'cause I get completely lost.
He was one of the presidents who had illegitimate children,
together with Thomas Jefferson and Warren G. Harding.
I don't get that.
How did three guys have children together? They didn't even live in the same century.
I do that. I...
I take things sort of literally.
In fact, I remember when I was a kid,
and my parents were watching the Olympics on TV,
and this athlete broke a record.
And everybody was really excited.
And I thought, well, if that's all it took to impress them, I can do that.
So I did.
The neighborhood kids saw what I was doing,
and they started making the loud noises that they knew I hated.
Monster! Monster! Monster!
So, I started barking like a dog, because
I can do that.
Animals are different. You can't teach them cruelty.
I don't know. What else do you want me to say?
It's always good, you guys, to start a story somewhere near the beginning.
I grew up in a nice house.
By the time I was two years old, my parents basically got the drill.
I wasn't exactly what they were looking for in a child.
I wasn't normal.
Quick, what's 5,589 times 3,972 divided by 17?
1,305,853.411,
et cetera.
See? I told you.
You know, when McDonald's says, "13 billion served," it's not that much,
only 43 visits per person per year,
which is once every 8.49 days.
It turns out you can't control people
or even predict them.
Numbers are different. As I used to say, you can count on them.
People with Asperger's want contact with other people very much.
We're just pathetically clueless at it, that's all.
When I was 14, I was on my own,
so I used to hitchhike to get around.
One day, this guy pulled over in a pickup truck,
and he said that I had a pretty smile.
So, I got in,
and he raped me before we got to the next town.
You see, I thought that if I had sex with men,
they would want me to be around them.
Why would you want that?
Because I've had sex with women, sugar,
and it's so dumb. There's no dick!
- Oh, that's disgusting! - Anybody else have a...
- Donald! Donald! - Excuse me, guys.
Hey! Why are you laughing?
I just told you I was raped.
Keep laughing, ladies. I don't care what my shrink says.
- I'm out of here. - Excuse me.
Is there some sort of confusion here?
No, this is no damn confusion, this is a fight!
Okay.
Hi, I'm Donald Morton, we haven't met.
Can you tell the difference between confusion and a fight,
or are you just as dingy as they are?
Some of us are higher functioning than others,
but that's no reason to call anyone "dingy."
Don't condescend to these women, they're no crazier than I am.
- Yes, we are! - I'm weird, but I'm not strange!
You're right, this is no matter of confusion, it's a matter of discord.
That's a nice sweater.
Look, this is my first time in your little fish tank,
and I'm just giving these women a lesson from my heart,
which they sorely need.
So then it's all about self-esteem!
You can kiss my self-esteem butt, Donald Duck.
Why tell your life story and tell only the good parts?
- It's Donald Morton. - You're missing my point!
No, I'm not! I just never know what to say.
Neither do I.
We're quite the pair, huh?
What's the point?
Not being alone.
Considering who we are, what the hell is so great about that?
Her name is Isabelle Sørensen.
She has eight letters in each of her names. I have six in each of mine.
This must be good luck.
I don't know why I got so angry.
I guess I just do that.
He yelled right back at me, which was pretty cool, don't you think?
It's 3:22, that's another good sign.
That's the number of days she is older than me, times three,
which makes her 966 days older than me.
He said that he never knows what to say.
You ever hear a guy actually admit that?
Means we were both born on Thursday, only not the same Thursday.
Then again, he is autistic. Did I tell you that he's tall?
Hey, Bongo.
It's nice to obsess on something beautiful for a change.
Hello. Hello?
Hello?
First time, better to get a machine, don't you think?
I was the first one to join after Donald started the group.
He has Asperger's, you know.
Somebody told me that he's good with numbers, is that true?
Yeah, he's very good, but his numbers...
- Really? What do you do? - Yeah, yeah, I'm a writer.
- You write? - Yeah.
But you shouldn't read my oeuvre because it repels women.
- Unless you count 1924... - They describe it as puerile,
- sexually adolescent and perverse. ...when the record keeping was suspect,
to say the least.
On the humidity front, the only item of note was in Hyderabad in the south of India.
Have you ever had real sex, Gregory?
- Excuse me. - Oh.
...which, considering the seasons, is something of an attention-grabber.
Say, Roger, what would the weather have been like
at the second McKinley inaugural?
- That would've been... - March 4, 1901, A.D.
Big snow! High temperature, 17 degrees,
3.4 inches, low temperature of -5 degrees.
Then, in 1998, another strong El Nino episode,
produced the wettest February of all time...
- What'd you say to her? ...in downtown Los Angeles.
I said I was a writer, but she shouldn't read my oeuvre because it repels women.
And then, what did she say?
"Try me."
Figures.
She's coming to the Halloween party with me.
That's great, tell me about it.
I'm gonna go as Batman.
A whimsical commentary on today's decaying popular culture.
- Oh, yeah? What's she going as? - Who cares?
- I do. - Ask her.
- Ask her what she's going as. - Ask her if she'll come with me.
I was seized by terror.
I don't know if I can do that.
You both have Asperger's.
You both share the same language of emotional dysfunction,
whereas I, on the other hand, just irritate the shit out of everyone,
- even you. - She likes you, though. She laughed.
Everybody laughs at me, it doesn't commit them to a Halloween party.
Richard M. Nixon was President in 1968...
Please.
He had a distinctive...
Look, I'm really sorry about the other day.
I have a distinctive...
That looks nice.
My cookie! Don't eat my cookie, that's my cookie!
- Hey! You can't do that! - He ate my cookie! My cookie!
- No, that's not okay. - That's my cookie! No! No! No!
- I want it back. - Stop, stop. No, stop! Stop!
It's okay, it's okay. It's okay.
All right, I'm sorry, but you can't do that.
I'm going to call my parents now. They'll pick me up from the bulletin board.
Save that for later. Yeah.
I'll call my parents on the phone. They're picking me up at the bulletin board.
Hi, Donald.
- You remember me? - Yes.
Good.
You know what Gregory told me about you?
I'm good with numbers.
- You spoiled my surprise. - I take things literally.
Me, too.
One time when I was seven years old, my dad took me to a diner
for breakfast, and he said, "Hominy grits," and I thought that he said "How many,"
and I was supposed to count how many there were.
- How many were there? - Four hundred and thirty-seven.
That was a joke.
It's not that I remember anything as stupid as how many hominy grits.
I have to go now. I gotta feed my animals.
I have six birds myself.
Isabelle, there's something I need to talk to you about that's important.
- Are you free for lunch tomorrow? - Yes.
Good.
- Bye. Bye! - Bye.
Hi, Isabelle.
Hi, Isabelle. Hi.
Hi. Hi, Isabelle. Isabelle, hello.
Izzy, I don't think he likes that.
Yes!
Isn't that funny?
Yes.
He's smiling. He's smiling.
And see this? This is a friendly gesture.
See? Show me yours. Come on.
You know, a mandrill spends two hours a day eating breakfast,
so when you think about it, that's 2,628,000 seconds a year eating breakfast,
which only leaves him
28,908,000 seconds a year not to eat breakfast.
You know how... I don't have to do numbers all the time. I can control myself.
Don't stop.
Don't ever stop. I love it.
- Well, that's good, 'cause I can't. - I know that, neither can I.
We're autistic.
Like, I can't stand the sound of clanging metal.
If I hear it, I completely freak out.
I learned a long time ago that I can't keep from shocking people,
so I just make it work for me,
sometimes.
I always say what I think,
not because it's good, it's just that I can't censor it.
Like, the women in the park the other day, I think I really freaked them out.
I hope that they'll forgive me sometime.
Isabelle, what you said about rape...
Rape is a very bad thing. It's never funny.
Not ever.
That took guts, you speaking up just now.
Not really.
No, it did. It did. It did,
because you're attracted to me,
and you wanna make a good impression,
and guts makes a really good impression.
- This is how the birds are in my apartment. - Mine, too.
They're trying to evict me, some kind of phobia about animal shit.
That's too bad.
I think that tonight, we should sneak back in here
and set all the animals free, except for the polar bears,
it's too warm. That was a joke.
It's time. You have something to tell me, remember?
My friend Gregory wants to take you to the Halloween party.
Is that it?
I don't go to the Halloween party, ever. So...
My friends dress up on Halloween to hide who they really are,
- and... - That's sad, but credible.
I have a costume, too, at home,
but it reveals who I really am, and nobody knows.
You take me to the party. Wear your costume.
I would be so honored.
In fact, let's not go to the party. Just meet me at the mall.
Everyone's in costume. They won't even notice us.
That's what I love about Halloween.
Hi, Isabelle, hi.
Hoy-hoy. Hello.
Hello, Isabelle.
Hello, Isabelle. Isabelle.
I'm nine hours and 37 minutes early,
which is a good sign, because that's 577 minutes.
Prime number.
So, what's up, Isabelle?
I'm late, which is ironic, because I started out nine hours and 23 minutes early.
You know what?
At this point, probably better not to go at all, you think?
Yeah.
I mean, she probably left already,
and if she didn't, she'd just be really irritated when I show up.
I wouldn't know what to say.
You know how I get when I don't know what to say.
Yeah. Probably better not to go at all.
That's our doorbell.
I'll be right back.
Nice whale costume.
- Dr. Mozart, I presume? - Mozart wasn't a doctor.
Symphony 40, G Minor. It's about anger, passion and transcendence.
- Like you. - Thanks.
I'm sorry I'm 63 minutes late. I really was gonna come, I just...
That's okay, I just figured you screwed up. Come on.
So, I was gonna take the 303 bus instead of the 809,
and then I was thinking about how 303 squared is 91,809,
and the last three digits are the same as 809, so I just forgot which one I was gonna take.
- Then I was thinking that... - Like I said,
I figured you screwed up.
Come on, we're going this way.
Yeah.
- So, this is who you really are? - Yeah.
- This is so hot. - Yeah.
- Are you in there? - Yeah.
Mr. Jonah!
What are you laughing at, toots? At least my boyfriend's a vegetarian!
You have a boyfriend?
No, it was a joke.
You're the vegetarian, because you're a whale.
Whales aren't vegetarians. They eat krill.
- So why is that? - Because they're tiny shrimp.
That you're a whale?
- Well, there's lots of reasons. - Name six.
- Well, for one, they're very big. - Really?
- Yeah. - And?
Oh,
all my life I've kind of felt like I was on the sidelines,
watching the parade go by.
But when you're a whale, you are the parade.
- I bet you know all about whales. - Yes.
Well, tell me.
Well, it's a very long story.
Well, the last bus isn't for another two hours,
47 minutes and three... No, two, one... One second.
Quick, Donald, tell me!
- Well, the bus is coming. - Yup.
So, Donald, this is our first kiss.
No tongue.
Yeah.
Why don't you take this thing off? You don't need it anymore.
I'm not quite so sure what I'm wearing underneath.
Well, what the hell?
Let's lift it up.
Mr. Whale, you can go just there.
This is nice.
That was a mix-up at the Laundromat.
On second thought, maybe we should have some tongue.
- Oh. - Call me!
When?
When should I call you?
Hey, move it.
Okay, move. Hey!
Sit on your own.
No?
All right, just don't bite me.
Boo?
Honey, scoot.
Long messages are cheerfully ignored. Get it over with.
This is Donald Morton.
This is my eighth message.
At least.
Hey, I'm sorry I called so many times,
but you didn't say when to call, so I...
Well, listen, I won't bother you anymore.
That's what you said the last time.
I just wanted to say again, I had a whale of a time last night,
and I... I understand.
I really do.
And I'm always gonna remember you,
the times that we had, and...
Donald Duck?
Oh, you're home.
Hi.
I didn't call 'cause I didn't really know what to say to you.
Donald, I don't know where you and I could ever go.
We could go to the amusement park.
Donald, you can see everything from up here!
- Oh, jeez. - Look at the sky.
It's the same color as my jacket!
I'm sure it's amazing.
It is, especially to the east where the sun's setting!
Actually, the sun sets in the west.
Will you stop making conversation, Donald? This is somewhat disappointing.
Just open your eyes. It's great.
It's kind of like in the arcade,
when I wanna factor a number, I just...
It just... I visualize it
going across my eyes.
Pick a number.
589.
Okay, so then I shoot prime numbers at it.
So, three won't go into it, and five won't go into it.
It won't even have a chance, 'cause it's not...
It doesn't end in a five or a zero.
And then, you know, seven, 11...
19, when I shoot 19,
it breaks into two, 19 and 31.
Your process is very sexual.
- Primes are hot. - I like you!
You're so smart! You're so cool!
And you wanna know the secret to this one? It's good.
See, you just... You just...
You throw them all at the same time. Just...
No, don't.
Stop it!
Excuse me. Hey.
It's okay. It's okay.
We won the panda. We got four rings on.
- Can we go home now? - Yeah.
Don't freak out.
It's okay, I'm better, now.
I was talking to them.
Oh, hello.
Come on, sweet baby.
Oh. Don't worry, I'm just talking to him.
- That's Cockatiel Dundee. - Hey, Dundee.
- That's Ricky and that's Lucy. - Hi.
And that's Piyachi, Chicken Boo.
And this is Don Juan de Marco.
Let's have a look around the house, guys.
Oh, I save things, because you never know.
You know?
You said your mom died. You did bury her?
- Yeah. - Just checking.
Let's sit down, huh?
Okay, guys.
Come on. That's it.
Come on.
All right. You can sit here.
You don't wanna sit here? Come on. There you go.
You can get off, too, now. That's it, you go here.
There you are.
- Oh. - You want something to eat?
- You got any old food in the fridge? - Yeah. Yeah. I got lots of old food.
- You like old food? - Oh. Donald!
This is about sex.
I'm sorry, was that a little abrupt?
I just haven't had any
in a long, long time.
Yeah.
I had an instinct there.
But sex is gonna be terrific.
It's the most fun you can have with your clothes off.
Hey, I'm sure you've been with more attractive men.
Are you kidding me? You are so hot.
Anyway, attraction is a whole package,
and I've never been with anyone like you.
You mean the hygiene?
You know how many guys would take me home after that show at the ring toss?
Plenty.
Well, they wouldn't be there in the morning.
I'll be there in the morning. I live here.
Is there a pathway to your bedroom?
Yeah.
Wanna go?
Now?
Yeah.
You know how in the jungle they say that some elephants
have longer trunks and some of them have shorter ones?
Yeah.
Well,
I don't care how long an elephant's trunk is,
as long as his dick's okay.
Sweetie, you can't disappoint me,
'cause whatever you are, is exactly what I want.
Isabelle!
You know, at first I was upset that she didn't even leave a note!
Then I realized it was a kindness.
She's a sweet person.
I mean, why hurt my feelings, you know?
The less said the better, you think?
Yeah.
So, we just can tuck it away, you know, just leave it.
And she said a lot of beautiful things.
The fact that she didn't mean them only makes her nicer.
What was she gonna say, "Thanks for the lousy sex"?
Are you talking about me?
I just had to go home and feed my animals.
You know what I think we should do today?
- Buy you a nice suit. - Sure.
This is my best friend, Bongo. Hello.
- I'm just doing the dishes. - Cool.
Yeah, cool.
Here they are.
Yeah. He's coming. He's coming.
Where have you been?
I felt our friends deserve to know the truth of your treachery.
- I believe in the truth. - You believe in gossip.
- Are you sleeping with him? - Sure.
Janice, that's a personal question.
Sure. Is that okay with you?
Don't you hate all his numbers? Does he change his socks?
Is his penis big enough?
No, no, and yes.
Would you take me to the movies on Sunday at 5:00?
Janice, Sundays I'm with Isabelle. Sorry.
This is a classic vicious betrayal, very common in literature.
And life.
Hey. Nice to see you again, Gregory.
It's very nice to smell you.
As you all know,
Isabelle and I have been seeing each other since Halloween.
And maybe we should talk about how you feel about this.
It's sexual harassment!
That's a very serious accusation...
You used your position to extort sexual favors.
You should be replaced.
My sister's a lawyer.
Gregory, Donald and I are just getting to know each other.
- So you can still date me? - Right now, I just wanna see Donald.
So when you're sick of him, you can date me?
Skeets, let's hear from you.
Do you have any questions about me and Isabelle?
There are 200 to 300 million sperm cells in an average ejaculation.
Penguins mate only once a year,
and it lasts three minutes.
I think they're extremely sexy.
You wanna know why?
I'm only gonna tell you, if you wanna know.
- I wanna know. - I don't, and that's for sure.
Skeets?
When penguins are reunited after a long separation,
they stand breast to breast.
Their heads are thrown back,
and their little flippers are trembling,
and they sing, Skeets, because they're so happy to find each other.
Gracie, how do you feel?
I feel sad.
About me and Isabelle?
Bronwin's daddy has blood cancer.
Regular people get sick, too, not just autistic people,
that's just the way it is.
Yeah, but these days, lots of people get better from chemotherapy, and...
I have to go now. My parents are meeting me at the bulletin...
The meeting just started.
Maybe your parents will be there in a little while...
Would you like me to go with you?
We could call your parents, and we could wait together
by the bulletin board.
I'd like to do that.
I'll go, too.
Not today.
Can I go to the funeral?
I'm not going, and that's for sure.
Donald!
All right, just for one day, nobody shit.
Yuck!
That is so gross.
Izzy, I'm home!
Oh, no.
What'd you do?
Where's my stuff? Do you hear what I'm saying?
Everything's here. It's just organized.
I thought you'd like it.
Well, now I know where everything is, so you better be nice to me
or I'll take the secret to my grave.
Where's my shower curtain, huh?
I threw it out.
What? Damn it!
Well, I called the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta,
but it was more than they could handle.
It was mine. This is all my stuff!
- You had no right to do this! - I thought you'd like it.
You stole my life.
28, 54, 10.
Drop the two, 85, 410.
That's two times three squared, times five, times 13, times 73.
Okay.
- You trying to get yourself killed? - Maybe later.
- "H-Lime"? What's that supposed to mean? - Harry Lime.
Orson Welles, The Third Man.
It's a movie.
Your plate's better.
If you take the letters for Roman numerals, it's 215.
If you add the one, that's 216. That's six cubed.
Twenty-seven is three cubed.
I'm doing all the numbers in the parking lot.
Helps calm me down.
- You lose your job? - No, my woman,
and my shower curtain.
What's your Social Security number?
Stop calling!
Hi. This is my 14th message.
Well, listen, I respectfully think that you should change your greeting,
in case you get called by your boss.
Seriously, I'm fine now,
and I'm sorry I spoiled our evening.
I am really, really sorry.
It could never, ever happen again.
I mean, to hell with the shower curtain.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Everyone, this is my boyfriend.
Donald Morton.
Oh. The shower curtain.
Mac Farraday.
Brenda Mackey.
Wanda, my mentor.
I bought him this suit. It was on sale.
Hey.
Hi.
One of the reasons that I cleaned your apartment...
Oh, boy, it's great!
The cleaner the better, that's what I say.
It's so we can have our friends over, Donald!
Izzy, we don't have friends who come over, ever.
Yeah. Wanna guess why?
Not really.
- Donald? - Izzy?
This is the most peaceful,
- the most beautiful place that I know. - Yeah.
And the world doesn't want it anymore, so they left it to me, to us.
This is a special place that's just for us.
You know what we need?
We need a little house with a yard, so that we can plant flowers
and sit in the shade and kiss under the stars.
Yeah.
The heavens are very important to me.
So, I found this tiny place,
and the rent isn't gonna cost any more than what we're already paying
with our two apartments.
Izzy, I got fired, remember?
Dr. Jeffries is the woman at the university who diagnosed me,
and I was telling her about how you organized
this group of lonely people that everybody else ignores.
I only did that because I was lonely, too.
And I was telling her how much you care for them
and how much they love you,
because this is the real work of your life, Donald, only nobody pays you.
So I asked her if she could find you a job at the university
that would enable you to continue this invaluable work.
- You did what? - And she said, "Yes, yes, yes."
Izzy, they don't have cabs at the University Medical Center.
Donald Duck, it comes down to this.
Do you wanna make me happy?
For one thing, I understand you're a mathematical genius.
Who said that?
Dr. Jeffries recommended that I call Isabelle Sørensen.
I hope that was all right.
Yeah, it's her fault I'm here in the first place.
Well, after everything she told me,
and checking on your excellent record in college,
I'm wondering why you choose to drive a taxi for a living.
At my interview with IBM, after I graduated college,
they asked me what my plans were,
and I said, "Probably go to McDonald's for a 12-piece McNugget
"and two cheeseburgers, and then do my laundry."
- Did they laugh, at least? - They smiled and they said they'd call me.
They didn't.
Mr. Morton, I run Administrative Services for the Medical Center.
Your profile is a plus,
because we want to give opportunities to people with special needs.
You can say autistic, I already know.
Touché.
Your job would be looking at statistical runs,
finding inconsistencies,
telling me where the computer got it wrong. You can do that, can't you?
Oh, sure.
Well, I can't and neither can anybody else I've ever met,
so I'm blessed to have you.
Where do you want me to put him?
- Donald! - What?
Prepare to die!
- Okay. You ready? - No.
- Yes, you are. - No.
It's gonna be fine. Okay?
Scissors. First some water. Ready?
- One, two, three. Water. - Oh, no, no.
Donald. Sit down.
- Come... - No.
Come on, it's gonna be fine. Come here.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Nice day, huh? - Hey.
Hi.
I think they're the neighbors.
It's too expensive, Dundee. It's too expensive.
All right.
Have a good day.
Bye.
Isabelle, there's something I need to talk to you about,
that sometimes you find kind of enraging.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Try me. - Oh.
Tonight, when my boss comes here for dinner,
I just want everything to be
really nice. You know?
He's a really good person, and I really like my job.
- I just want everything... - To be nice.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Have a nice day at work.
You, too.
Bye!
Izzy, we're home!
Can you shut the door?
Well, I told her to put everybody in his or her or their cages
respectively, but she didn't, and...
Come on, you guys. Come on.
Come on, you guys. Stay. Stay. Get down.
Here she is.
Izzy.
- All the birds were out. - Yeah.
Hank Wallace, Isabelle.
- Nice to put a face with the voice. - That's right.
We talked about what a genius Mr. Morton is, not to mention a saint.
Why, only this morning,
he advised me to be on my very tippy-toe best behavior tonight,
so I didn't weird you out.
So, feel free to advise me if I deviate from normality at any time.
Sense of humor, we're working on it.
- Do you like vegetable lasagna, Hank? - Sure.
How about a beer? See you inside.
It's great vegetable lasagna.
I don't pretend to be an expert, but...
Oh, that's great, 'cause I hate it when people do that.
- But your paintings are impressive. - Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Most people want me to paint something else,
you know, with fewer eyes, less violent, less insane.
I used to tell Donald that I wanted him to hear my paintings
and see my music,
'cause I wanted him to understand them like other people couldn't.
She doesn't understand that I can, and I do.
And most people do, it's pretty normal.
I'm basically a failure, Hank, in the material world.
- I used to be a piano tuner. - She has perfect pitch.
I made good money, it's a valued trade,
but half the clients hit on me,
and the other half would say something stupid enough
to where I'd blurt out something rude.
I say things as I think them, you know?
Out loud, most of the time.
Can't hold my temper, I'm arrogant, impatient,
and I don't suffer fools.
I have a good heart, believe it or not, but that doesn't pay so good, so...
I'm lucky that I have a wonderful guy, who's also very generous.
He tell you about our plans for the house?
Well, they're not exactly plans that we plan to implement...
Maybe ideas, more.
We're gonna put this big sandbox right here in the living room,
so people and animals can play, whatever,
and then outside, we're gonna put this big aviary
so the birds and lizards and Bongo can hang out.
- Have you met Bongo? - No, not officially.
Have you noticed that the winters are coming later and later every year?
- I like that. - Have you?
And it was actually Donald's idea that we put a piano in the yard,
so all the local animals can listen to me play.
It must be global warming.
Interrupting is not the way to become the focus of attention, Donald.
It's very autistic.
Where was I? The walls.
So, I'm gonna paint them these one-of-a-kind savage colors,
and then get fabrics to put all over the carpet and stuff, that scream
"jungle," you know?
And then right up there, above the doorway,
I wanna put this whale-shaped thing that you have to walk through,
and then, eventually, full-size aquarium, because obviously we love birds,
- but we also love fish. - How am I gonna pay for all this?
My boss is gonna think that we're crazy.
Who got you that job in the first place?
You only got it for me so that I could get you this house
and these luxuries.
Well, it's obvious we don't share the same dreams.
That job was for you,
and I pushed, and I sweet-talked you into it,
because I knew that you would never go down there by yourself.
But it was all for you, so you could be proud of yourself!
I have put up with an array of shit from you that no one should tolerate,
because I thought that you would do the same for me.
But you made me feel like a freak! Behave for your boss?
I mean, this is coming from who? Mr. Whale Costume, Mr. Toxic Toilet.
What about the show that you put on in there?
Did you do one thing the entire night that was even halfway normal?
No,
because I was mad, and, sadly, I was just being myself.
Oh, that's yourself? That's yourself?
That's the whole point, Donald Duck.
You're just one more guy who sees who I really am and can't handle it.
It broke my heart to see how scared you were.
- Scared? - Bringing home your boss
to prove that you were normal, by showing off your smart, pretty little wife?
Only, he saw that she was just as crazy as you are.
Crazier.
There's one difference between us, Donald.
You wanna be normal.
You crave it.
And that is what broke us up.
I'm leaving now!
I don't want you here when I get back.
I don't want you here, ever, or you will regret it!
So, I got an unlisted number, but there was no other way.
I can picture you still calling every three minutes,
hoping for some electronic miracle.
I'm not mad anymore, Donald.
I'm okay. So, don't obsess on all that stuff I said.
Does she have any idea who she's talking to?
I've never been able to stay with any guy for very long,
so I knew I'd end up breaking your heart.
A piece of advice.
Set a limit on how many times you play this,
like 20, and then erase it, okay?
- That's 32 times that I've heard. - Doesn't cost anything.
Don't worry, I won't go out with her.
I could never do that to you.
Who'd go whale watching?
It's a wholesome activity, and the weather should be ideal.
Barring unforeseen conditions to the contrary,
since there's a low-pressure front
which could really have the boat rocking and rolling.
The ocean's five hours away.
Yeah, but whales are Donald's favorite thing
and would cheer him up from Isabelle dumping him.
I'm not going, and that's for sure.
But you could be the cruise lecturer.
It's a very prestigious position.
Or perhaps contrast the administrations
of Chester A. Arthur and Millard Fillmore, or whatever.
That's seven. Just two more for the group rate.
Let's watch a whale. It's on Sunday.
Sunday I see my daddy in the hospital, that's just the way it is.
I could call Isabelle. She doesn't hate me.
I have a list of friends, some of them are women.
I know why you like living with me. I'm neater than Isabelle.
You're neater than me, tied with Blume, and that's it.
I file my food. Nobody does that.
- Can I give you some advice? - Can I humanly stop you?
Stick with the group.
Compared to us, you're a god.
And next to Isabelle, which you will never be again,
you don't come off so hot.
We can't hear you!
You got a message.
You got 17 of them.
Actually, they're not for me.
Donald. Donald, please be there, please.
God damn it, he's dead, Donald.
- Oh, Donald, Bongo died. - That's her rabbit.
Where are you?
I'm so glad you came.
I don't know why I went over the edge.
I've lost pets all my life.
What?
I missed you.
You never came for the birds or the whale.
God, you must have missed them.
If I took them away, this wouldn't be my home anymore.
Be my friend, Donald.
Be my best friend, please, because I really need you.
And I always felt like you wanted us to get married or something.
- Did I ever say that? - Not in words.
But instead of that, do you wanna just be my friend?
- Without the sex? - Without the pressure.
My friendship is all I have to give. Do you want it?
Of course.
That makes me so happy.
Yeah, but how do you know that she knows what she wants?
I mean, you didn't see the way that she was looking at me.
That's because I wasn't there.
- Yeah, but she was talking about marriage. - To tell you that she didn't want to.
Yeah, but I didn't bring it up, she did,
and when I brought up sex, she didn't exactly say no.
When women want sex, they usually say, "Yes!"
- Why are you saying this? - Donald. Donald.
Donald, if there's one thing I know, it's chicks.
That was a good load.
Good dryer, good pace.
Yeah, but...
Did you fix your tie?
Your table is ready. Right this way.
This is so pretty, Donald.
Look. There's a little fish. There's three.
Hello.
- Your chair, miss. - Thank you.
And may I take your coat?
- Yes. Thank you. - You're welcome.
- And here's your menu. - Thank you.
Sir.
- Your waiter will be with you soon. - Thank you.
- And have a wonderful evening. - Thanks.
Well, this is completely irrational. I am very impressed.
- Izzy. - Oh, my God!
- This is gonna cost you a fortune. - Yeah.
Hank told me this is the best food in town.
I wanted the place to be special, because
I have something special to talk about.
Is it a surprise?
Good evening.
Huh?
What is it? What is it?
Donald?
- Anything from the bar? - Go away. What? What is it?
- Take your time. - Tell me. Tell me.
I'll come back to let you know the specials.
What is it?
Izzy.
I don't think you know what you want.
You got us a house, and you got me the job.
And we keep fighting, and...
But you keep bringing me back into your life.
And...
And today you brought up marriage, and I think that you want that.
And I want that, too, because you're my only chance, and I want that chance.
That's very fucking flattering.
Well, you're my only chance, because I love you,
and I'm your only chance, because you love me, too.
Marry me, Isabelle.
- Thanks for taking the pressure off! - Isabelle, don't freak out!
- No. You're just like all the others. - No, I'm not like all the others!
I don't want you to save me!
I just wanna be left alone!
185. Why did I have to ask her to marry me?
Fuck.
Okay. Okay.
47, 48.
No. I gotta go home, and I gotta tell her not to marry me.
Izzy, we gotta talk!
Izzy, where are you?
Donald? I'm Dr. Jeffries, Isabelle's psychiatrist.
- Are you okay? - Is she okay?
I signed her release, and she left.
- Is that safe? - She's gonna be fine. She'll be in therapy.
She doesn't need therapy. She's not crazy.
Donald, she needs someone to listen to her.
I'll go home and I'll listen. I'm an excellent listener.
I'll improve.
No, I won't.
Well, Asperger's is a funny animal.
Can I go home now?
Donald.
I don't want you to see her, I don't want you to call her,
and neither does she, okay?
Look at it this way,
she tried to kill herself because you wouldn't stop calling her.
No, she tried to kill herself because I wanted to marry her.
- It's completely different. - If I were you, I would ask me for advice.
Don't play her little game.
Write a story about how she was eaten by Peruvian fire ants,
and then run over by a car, and then fax it to her.
She's expecting me to call!
If I don't, she's gonna go crazy and think that I don't love her anymore.
I'm gonna find another phone. I know the number.
Is it as good as a number as, say, 2809?
2809 is 53 squared, and five plus three is eight.
The cubed root of eight is two, which is her dress size.
I bought her this beautiful little dress the other day
- that has these little flowers on it. - Six.
It's not a richly textured number, but it is her shoe size.
She has beautiful feet. You guys, I know her better than anybody.
I know that she needs me to call.
Or the doctor is right, and you call and she kills herself!
And then you regret it for the rest of your life.
How am I gonna stop myself?
What do you wear when you stop smoking?
A nicotine patch.
Huh?
9660.
No, no, I can't.
No.
- Loan me your laptop, will ya? - I can't. I have to take it with me.
Excuse me, do you know when the next bus 217 runs?
Sorry.
- I'm chasing someone. - By bus?
Well, it's important.
- Important enough to take the bus. - Yeah.
My girlfriend left me because I wanted to get married
and she wanted to stay just friends.
- Ah. The slower this chase, the better. - Yeah.
Stop the bus!
All this time, and you didn't call.
- I was gonna call. - You were?
Well, just to tell you that I wasn't gonna call, so that you wouldn't be aggravated,
sitting around waiting and wondering when I was...
- Gonna call? - Yeah.
But in the end I figured
that forcing myself into your life was probably not right.
I would always do that.
So, the only nice thing I had left to give was just not to call.
I hated you for not calling,
'cause you were always gonna be there, and when you weren't, it was as if
you didn't love me anymore.
So go home, I'll call you.
I can't promise you the future, Donald Duck.
I don't know if this is for two days or 20 years.
Finally, something about us that's normal.
I missed you so much.
Look what Donald made.
- I'm hungry. - Delicious.
Thanksgiving.
- Stop that. - Blume, no, no. Blume.
All right, so I wanna thank Donald, who made this amazing lunch,
and I just wanted to thank you all for coming,
because you are our family,
and I... Well, we love you.
Here, here.
Wait, wait.
This is to Donald Morton,
my husband.
Cheers.
I love you!
Anyone want gravy?