Oh, God, it's a fire!
Fire!
A jackhammer?
On Saturday? He should be castrated.
Saturday.
Oh, God. Oh, God, it's Saturday. Get up! Get up!
Get up, get up, get up!
My sister's gonna kill me.
Oh, my God, what did we do last night?
The usual.
Collected money for the poor little homeless children at the church bazaar.
l think the vicar must have spiked the Kool-Aid.
We are way late!
What am l gonna tell my sister?
ls this yours or mine?
-Oh, my God, how did that happen? -l haven't a clue.
There's my excuse. l'm late because my tits caught on fire.
Come on!
Find a cab! Taxi!
-Hey, cab! -Right there! Get him.
Can you go a little faster, please?
Fast and alive. Alive, all right?
The alive part is incredibly important in this case.
You all right, darling?
Oh, God, l could care less.
That's the whole point.
Right. To care less.
This is tasting like cherry brandy because l haven't got her gift.
Thank God for bar cars.
You're late!
Jasper, this is...
...a bridesmaid with makeup and a dress.
Really late. Like, 45 minutes.
She has absolutely no sense of humor, but she's really good at telling time.
l am so sorry.
There was a water main break and the train got stuck in Rye.
An electrical thingy. And just, explosion--
Gwen.
You make it impossible to love you.
Shit!
May we present Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Topton?
Like one?
Did you think it was a pretty wedding? l did.
Wasn't it pretty?
Yeah, but no one wants pretty anymore from a wedding.
They want a scandal. They want to take home a story.
Try these.
This is a party. Let's have some fun with it, for God's sake.
Oh, my God!
-What happened? -You--!
Possibly crank it up a little? Liven everything up.
There's a ladies' room right over there.
Settle down, buddy!
Oh, sorry.
Don't worry. l'll replace it.
l'll be right back.
Hey, lady! Hey, lady, what are you doing?
Cake store. Cake store. Cake store.
This is HeIga. What city?
Yes, Bedford.
A cake store.
Lady, if l knew the name, l wouldn't have called you, okay?
Oh, God!
This is perfect.
All right, everybody. Now, circle up.
That's it.
Come on.
Together, we're better!
We're better together!
No drugs!
That judge totally screwed me.
Good morning!
I shouId've picked that rehab in the city.
People chant.
-They do what? -They chant.
They think l'm chanting, they have a whole 'nother thing coming.
lt could be worse. Could be prison.
Oh, that's worse?
You never hear of being raped with a plunger in rehab.
Because they cover it up.
lt's not funny!
Excuse me. Talking.
No cell phones.
Gwen C., l'm Betty. Follow me.
We carry our own bags here. This isn't the Sheraton.
Oh, glass. ln case l slit my wrists. l get it.
An eyelash curler.
What'll l do with that? Stab myself? Curl my tongue to death?
While you're going through my stuff, let's see...
...what Betty's got in her drawers.
Oh, my God. Betty has locked her drawers.
What? lt's for my back pain.
These things will be returned to you when you check out.
Except for the Vickodin, which will be flushed.
Smile!
lt's ''Vicodin.''
No calls, except during posted phone time and only for 1 0 minutes.
No fraternization. That's romance and/or sex between patients.
Oh, and we chant here. Don't be put off by it.
Some people prefer it to the Serenity Prayer.
I'II be your friend
I'II heIp you carry on
For it won't be Iong
TiII I'm gonna need somebody--
Your room.
You're responsible for keeping it clean.
Andrea, this is Gwen.
Settle her in.
-Do you watch Santa Cruz? -Pardon me?
Santa Cruz. lt's my soap.
They only let us watch TV at night, so l've missed the last two weeks.
Hey, an intellectual.
Like the stuff you did to get you in here was real brain food.
Parker House people, this is Gwen. Gwen, this is everybody.
Hello, Gwen.
l'm thinking booze.
Cocaine.
Painkillers.
-This is not a nice game. -Well?
Well, what?
What's your drug of choice?
Alcohol, cocaine, Percodan, heroin, glue?
l have to pick one?
Your gateway drug. What you go for first.
l guess l drink.
Yes. Come to Papa.
Hand them over. l know people, admit that.
Get your thumb out of that.
What's the matter?
Haven't you ever seen a trach scar before?
lt's a tracheostomy. lt's not a growth.
lt's not a deformity. lt's a scar. So you can stop staring at it.
Okay, good. Thank you.
She wasn't staring, Daniel.
No? And how would you know, faggot?
You're about as perceptive as Helen Keller.
When you think about it, Helen Keller was pretty perceptive.
Shut up!
Look at him walk away! Run away! Run away!
We were up in heaven Now we're in the mud
We feII off the wagon You shouId have heard the thud
-l like your coat. -Thanks.
-ls that leather? -Yes.
-Not vinyl? -Nope.
-You believe in killing animals? -Yes.
-For clothing? -Yes.
So do l.
For 28 boring days
Don't worry about Daniel.
He's just self-conscious about his neck because he did it to himself.
He had this thing where he'd pump his stomach so he wouldn't get a hangover.
l guess he knew how, because, you know, he's a doctor. Or was.
He lost his license after he killed that patient, but....
Anyway, l guess one night while he was scraping that tube to his stomach...
...somehow he screwed up and he couldn't breathe and he had to...
...poke a hole in his throat with a pen or something.
Jasper, see if you can dig up some Vicodin.
The gestapo found my first batch.
That here-but-not-here iIIusion wiII be...
...much easier to sustain with chemicaI heIp.
Love, Gwennie.
Good night.
Chocolate. Heroin addict.
What are you, like, 1 2 or something?
Seventeen.
Loving this.
Good night.
Jeremiah was a buIIfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood A singIe word he said
But I heIped him drink his wine
And he aIways had Some mighty fine wine
Singing joy to the worId
You girls are a lot of fun.
And that's the most important thing.
Because if you're not having fun....
What's the frigging point?!
Oh, God.
You can keep your drugs and your whiskey sours.
We got us a higher power!
Yay, God!
Don't forget tonight's Iecture at 8:30:
''How Many Brain CeIIs Did I KiII Last Night?''
Decaf.
There's no caffeine. lt's mood-altering.
Hi.
That was a nice moment. Where you going?
What do you mean? You gotta have cigarettes.
Sorry, but we're fresh out.
Those people are addicts. They need cigarettes like they need air.
l guess that explains it, then. Gum?
lt wasn't a problem...
...till Emmett, he took up with that girl.
Those nights that he was out with her...
...and l was home with the TV....
See, l figured we could see it through.
So when he said...
...he was moving her in with us...
...and that l could stay or leave...
...l see now l should've left.
l've got something....
When you....
You want to do it later?
l think, yeah.
Why did you--?
Some feeling words in there, or...?
-You know? -''l....''
l don't know how to explain.
All right. Okay, well, that's a good start.
Another time. lt's all right.
So let's finish up today with a prayer, all right?
Let's all hold hands.
God, grant me the serenity...
...to accept the things l cannot change...
...the courage to change the things l can...
...and the wisdom to know the difference.
lt works if you work it. lt's worth it!
All right!
Take on the day. Go ahead.
B-minus.
Hey, Gwen C.!
Your bed was not made up, your clothes were all over.
l'm giving you an F for daily inspection and fining you a dollar.
So pay up.
Tell you what.
Here's five dollars. l don't plan on cleaning all week.
Bitch.
How you doing?
Good.
l don't know how much money l have in my account...
...but it's yours if l could bum a cigarette.
Sure.
They're Reds.
Thank you.
Been here long?
Yeah.
What's the deal here if somebody was looking for something...
...with a little more kick than nicotine?
Do people actually get stuff here, or is it...?
lt happens.
How does it work? l mean, how can you get stuff?
Can you get stuff, or is it, like...?
lf your counselor catches you using, you can get kicked out.
l don't plan on discussing it with him.
Too late.
Generally, people come to rehab not to get loaded.
Well, l try not to run with the pack.
You're a real individual.
You're the only person who does drugs and alcohol.
l meant what l said.
You get caught using, you risk getting kicked out.
Fair enough. We done?
And believe me, l'll know if you're using.
You always this charming?
You always use humor to deflect things when you're uneasy?
Do you always use insight to disarm your new recruits?
-What's that? -lt's literature about your disease.
AA Big Book, some worksheets.
A journal l want you to write in every day.
l suppose l have to do this.
You got better things to do with your time?
Hey, listen.
This isn't the last lousy day you'll have here.
So remember, God never dumps more on us than we can handle.
ls that available stitched on a pillow?
Tonight's Iecture: ''Are You A BIackout Drunk, Or Don't You Remember?.''
You going down?
My problem is, my father just happened to watch DateIine...
...the night they're doing some expos_...
...on Park Avenue drug users...
...the night he caught me doing blow in the bathroom.
But l don't have a problem. l don't have health problems.
l play Ultimate Frisbee two times a week.
And l'm, you know, a patron of the arts, and diseases and cures and stuff.
That's what l spend my money on. So l like to have a little bit of fun.
''AduIt ChiIdren Of AIcohoIics'' is moved to 9 p.m. in room 8.
CoDA starts at 8 p.m. in B.
CAs and NAs meet tomorrow...
...and overeaters, sexuaI addicts....
Who the hell do you have to know to get a drink around here?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, l love you so much.
-Where are all the celebrities? -There are none.
What? Come on.
All anyone wants from rehab's a good coked-out star story.
Elizabeth Taylor, weeping in group about how she never felt beautiful.
Never. Not one single day. Now, that's the story they want.
-l'll get you out of here. -l'm not supposed to leave.
You're not supposed to have Mummy's Little Helper, either.
Hold on, hold on.
Okay, go.
Be very, very quiet. l'm hiding.
Be very, very quiet.
Drunk men stagger, drunk men faII Drunk men swear and that's not aII
Quite often they wiII urinate outdoors
Like widowed women, drunk men weep
Like chiIdren curIed up Drunk men sIeep
Like a dog, a drunk wiII CrawI around on aII fours
If you're broke bum or rich rake His dinner be it bread or cake
His beverage be the worst of whiskey Finest wine
Puke, it stinks, and so it seems That drunkards go to great extremes
There is yet to be A perfectIy straight Iine
Hi, everybody.
So what's the deal? l'm out?
lt'll take me a day to arrange your transfer.
l know where l want to go. This place in the city--
l'm not referring you to a treatment facility.
l get to go home?
Nope.
Where am l going, then?
Your sentence was for 28 days of rehab or jail time.
You don't honestly think l'm going to jail, do you?
For driving drunk, hitting a lawn jockey that could've been a 4-year-old child?
But it wasn't. lt was a 4-year-old lawn jockey.
That's fine if this is all a big joke, but in here we have rules.
And l warned you about them. Pack your bags by morning.
No, l'm not. Because l don't belong in jail.
l don't even belong in here.
You know, yeah, l know l drink a lot.
l'm a writer, and that's what l do, we drink.
Cornell Shaw for Clancy, please.
l'm not like those people. l can control myself.
No, l'll hold.
lf l wanted to, l could. lf that's what l wanted. l could.
l can.
l can!
You know what?
Forget that, Mr. Rogers, you 1 2-stepping geek.
What do you know about me?
Nothing. You don't know a goddamn thing about me, you know that?
AIways tomorrow
Lean on me
-When you're not strong -Excuse me.
-I'II be your friend -Excuse me.
-I'II heIp you carry-- -Excuse me!
We're better together! No drugs!
Grant me the serenity to...
-...accept the things l cannot change-- -Excuse me!
Are you coming?
No.
Hi, my name is CorneII.
l am a drug addict, alcoholic, compulsive gambler/liar.
Hi, Cornell.
For those of you who are new tonight...
...l know that this is not your year.
lf that'll make you happy, l will stop drinking.
And then l would tell myself:
''Tonight l will not get wasted.''
And then something would happen.
Or nothing would happen.
And l'd get that feeling.
And you aII know what that feeIing is.
When your skin is screaming...
...and your hands are shaking...
...and your stomach feeIs Iike it wants to jump...
...through your throat.
And you know that if anyone had a cIue...
...how wrong it feIt to be sober...
...they wouIdn't dream of asking you to stay that way.
They wouId say, ''Oh, jeez, I didn't know. Here.
It's okay for you. You do that mound of cocaine.
Have a drink. Have 20 drinks.
Whatever you need to do to feeI...
...Iike a normaI human being...
...you do it.''
And, boy, I did it.
I drank, and I snorted...
...and I drank and snorted and drank and snorted.
And I did this day after day after night after night.
I didn't care about the consequences.
Because I knew that they couIdn't be haIf as bad as not using.
Oh, God!
And then one night something happened.
You know you're screwed.
I woke up.
I woke up on a sidewaIk.
l had no idea where l was. l couldn't have told you the city l was in.
My head was pounding...
...and l looked down and my shirt is covered in blood.
And as I'm Iying there, wondering what happens next...
...I heard a voice.
And it said:
''Man, this is not a way to live.
This is a way to die.''
Can l help you?
Eddie Boone, checking in.
You can't bring a girl into treatment with you, Eddie.
l wasn't gonna keep her.
You were really lucky you didn't break anything.
lt'll be tender and swollen for a while.
You'll have to live with the pain, because l can't give you anything.
So take these.
That's good.
Listen, rest. Alternate heat and cold.
You know, your carpet is filthy.
l only bring that up because...
...carpet grit's responsible for a lot of major health problems.
That's the last thing that you need around here.
Listen, about that jail thing...
...l can't. l can't go.
Not because l don't want to go, but....
Oh, God, my hands. They just keep doing that. That's not normal.
There's something wrong with my hands.
Well, with me.
Because what kind of person just jumps out of a window, you know?
Because she can't sit still, you know?
And be alone, and, you know, in a room without....
You know, a person should be able to just be alone, right?
You know, human beings should be able to just breathe.
l can't breathe.
And l feel that....
l think, l know that if l go to jail...
...like this, you know, l'll die.
l don't want to die.
l don't like what's happening here.
Wait a minute, let's try to use a feeling word.
l'm pissed!
Okay, pissed. Why?
Because no way should she be here.
Tell her.
No way should you be here!
That's right. There's a rule. No using. You broke it.
-l'm sorry. -Sorry, my ass.
All you've done since you got here is sit around while the rest of us work.
You expect us to be glad that they let you stay?
l'm not expecting anything.
Gwen, just listening. Everybody, feeling words.
l don't think you are giving.
l don't feel that you are giving person.
l'm trying!
l don't feel niceness coming from you.
Should l go to another group?
Great idea. Spread your negativity even further.
You know, if you really try...
...you could ruin the experience for the entire patient population.
l am having a bad day!
l am having the worst damn day of my whole damn life!
So if it is not too much to ask of you people...
...will you just back the fuck off?!
Excellent work. Really excellent work.
Good sharing, everybody.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
l wanted to talk to you about last night.
l don't normally do that, but you were great.
Oh, my Lord. You gotta be kidding me.
-What? -Promise me we were safe.
-We were what? -Safe.
Safe?
You're not one of them paternity suit kind of gals--
What are you talking about?
l'm talking about last night.
You don't remember last night?
l got a little drunk on the plane.
Of course you did.
You know what?
lt was nothing. Just don't worry about it.
-We didn't...? -Nope.
Thank God, boy--
You know what? That's more than enough, thank you.
Nothing personal, l just made myself a promise:
No more ending up naked with some girl l don't know.
That's a noble goal, and l wish you the very best of luck with it.
Cirrhosis is the ninth leading cause of death in the United States...
...and 45% of the time, that is alcohol-induced.
Let's take a look at the first slide.
This could be your liver right now.
Do you have plans for dinner?
This is not a test about you and how you act in relationships.
lt's called Equine Therapy.
Tennessee doesn't lie and manipulate.
He'll just respond to how you feel. And your job is to clean his hoof.
This is how one gets sober?
lt's character-revealing. The way we approach the horse...
...is like the way we approach the world.
We gotta try to match our insides with our outsides. Be real.
So my therapist today is a very large, smelly beast of burden.
We're totally in sync.
Step in, you breathe.
Couldn't stink more if he were dead.
You reach down, pinch the tendon...
...trust yourself, and let the horse do the rest.
Who's gonna be first? Gwen?
-Think you might need help? -Nope, l'm fine.
Let yourself go.
All right, Mr. Ed, just pick up your stupid foot.
Can't force it.
-Sure you don't need some help? -No. l'm fine.
All right, look, Cornell, just give me a pill...
...give me a shot, l don't know, give me a lobotomy.
lnstant gratification has worked so well for you in the past.
Just take it easy and keep it simple.
l am so tired by the way you people talk.
''One day at a time.'' What is that?
Two, three days at a time is an option?
l don't need the Romper Room bullshit. l need....
What are you doing?
lt's a therapeutic tool. You leave me no choice.
Betty, you gotta get me a new roommate. He stinks.
l don't know if he's just eating beef...
...and secreting ketones out of every pore--
We're gonna come back to this. l'm gonna be back.
We're in each other's lives, okay?
Gwen, did you get a sign? ''Confront me if l don't ask for help.''
What kind of help you looking for exactly?
Okay, Traci. l want you to tell your mom:
''When you do drugs, this is what happens.'' Okay?
When you do drugs, you don't do any fun stuff like you used to.
Be specific, Traci. What was fun?
Well, when you play games with us and do puzzles.
That was fun.
l have an idea.
Tell your mom about the drawing, Darnell.
lt's of me and Traci home late at night, and Mom's not there.
Tell your mom how that makes you feel when she's not there.
Worried.
Scared.
Great.
Man! Not again.
I don't know.
Mom, wake up.
I don't know.
Mom?
Hello, wake up!
Sad, I guess.
Lonely.
-Hello? -No reactions.
l have an idea.
-She's fine. -She's up.
Bye.
Hey, hey, what do you know?
Pills and booze have got to go!
Hey, hey, what do you say?
Sober is the only way!
Good night, Eddie.
Wait for me!
-Beat you! -Girls!
What?
-Aunt Helen, why are you here? -Where's Mom?
l'm just gonna be straight with you. Your mother has passed.
Just slap her real hard and she'll wake up.
This'II onIy be for a whiIe untiI we figure out something more permanent.
-HeIIo? -Hey, it's me. Gwen.
Well, l know which ''me'' it is. What is it?
Let me guess. You need money.
-l'm not giving you any more money. -LiI, I don't need money.
-lt's different this time. -I'm gIad to hear it.
Whatever happened to our fun-and-friendly sister rapport?
l don't know. You tell me.
Look, they make you.... They're having a family week.
What?
Family sessions.
They work with us for a few days, teach us how to talk to each other...
...and then supervise an actual conversation.
You want me to come there?
They make you ask somebody, so it's either you or Aunt Helen.
So let me get this straight.
You screw up, and then l'm supposed to drop everything in my life?
They can schedule it around what's good for you. So....
No, it's just--
l'm cooking here, okay? l've got people coming over.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
-l didn't mean.... -No, you never do.
Gwen, you never mean anything.
l have to go.
Lil, look, l bet this one's really fast.
lt's just a table, stupid. Leave it alone.
No. lt's a sled.
Well, l'm not a fan of all soap operas. Just Santa Cruz.
l mean, it's just an incredible show. l saw it the first time...
...when l was hospitalized a while ago after l got out of my first rehab.
There was this girl on the show, Darian.
She was also hospitalized, and it was like l was staring at myself.
l mean, not physically, because l don't have the curly hair.
This whole thing had happened with her.
She had actually been impregnated by her brother...
...but she obviously didn't know it was her brother at the time.
And l don't have a brother. But l have sisters.
So it's really sort of...
...been an inspiration...
...for me.
And it's really sort of helped me stay sober...
...off and on.
Mom, everything's okay.
Hey, Andrea.
Hey, Daniel.
Want to give me one of those?
Get your own.
All right, then.
Hey, Gary, can l bum a cig?
There she is. Hello, darling. How are you?
-Christ! -Oh, my God, what's that?
Nothing.
You poor thing! What are they doing to you?
-l fell. -ls that part of the therapy?
You poor baby. l know, l'll get you home, darling.
-Everyone's asking after you. -Like who?
Like Mrs. Lefkowitz from downstairs. Remember?
-The non-talker? -Five years, not a peep.
l'm crossing the lobby yesterday, she looks at me and says:
''Thanks God you got rid of that girl. She's nothing but bad news.''
-That's not funny. -Of course it's funny.
Anonymous strangers thinking l'm bad news, that's not funny.
Everyone l've told has laughed really hard.
-That's great. -You need cheering up.
-l'll take you away. -What?
Get away from these freaky people.
l don't want to leave-- Oh, God!
Here, have some cheese.
Have it on a roll.
No bread. l'm getting fat.
-lt's better with bread. -l don't want bread.
l'll have the bread. Just break it open for me, will you?
-What is your problem? -Break open the bread.
This is a ring.
Yep.
What, are you proposing?
Yeah, l am.
At rehab.
No. l'm proposing to you now. You happen to be here.
Yeah, but....
l don't know. l mean.... ''Well, how did he ask?''
''He visited me in rehab and....''
So it's not moonlight in Maui.
Where would we get married? McSorley's Pub?
Why not? Make a good story.
l don't need any more stories. l have enough stories. l would like a life.
That's what l was offering.
-What is that? -Champagne.
l brought it thinking, wrongly, this might be a romantic moment.
This is so not how l saw this whole thing playing out!
l'm not taking this as lightly as l used to.
-Taking what? -This.
This.
This straighten-up-and-fly-right thing. This....
l don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with me.
-That's what they say? -No!
lt is. You know what? l think they're right.
They're not. You're just in a rut. lt happens to everyone.
No, there's an entire world of people who do everything right.
They live right, they don't drink, they don't do drugs.
-A crock of shit. -They're happy.
They're not happy. No adult human being is happy.
People are born.
They have a limited time to think life is dandy, but then...
...inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realize life equals loss.
The point of the game is to minimize the pain caused by that equation.
Some people do it by having kids or making money or coin collecting.
And others do it by getting wasted.
Letting that switch in the head turn the hot light off and the cool light on.
Nobody gets hurt collecting coins.
Everybody hurts everybody. lt's the human condition!
Don't let them tell you there's something wrong with you! You're fine!
l don't feel fine.
Of course not. You're in DeIiverance country surrounded by sober freaks.
And you're not with me.
l don't feel fine these days either, and l think that's because we're apart.
You're mine.
l'm yours.
l love you.
Why do you want me, Jasper? l am such a mess.
Maybe l like mess.
There's a time when you can share...
...and you can hold hands and be on the same path.
But there's always a fork in the road at some point.
And sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork...
...and they gotta go on the other part of the fork.
Or just down the back part of the fork while you go forward.
And they're like....
Or they got a salad fork and you have a big dinner fork...
...and you have longer to go, but they're done, because that's it.
They're stuck on a piece of food that they....
The dessert fork or, like, one of those, you know...
...small crab forks, and you're trying to get out a crab.
And you're over here jumping to the huge serving fork...
...or something like that. Or a ladle, you know.
Hey, And?
Guess what.
Goober. Are you not talking to me right now?
l only had, like, five pieces.
What are you doing?
Here, give me that.
-She didn't come. -Your mom?
l waited all day for her.
l did my hair.
She probably had to work or something like that.
No, she just hates me. l make her embarrassed.
She doesn't hate you. l'll get someone.
-Don't tell anybody! -lt's okay.
We have to. lt's very serious.
They'll take me to Psychiatric!
Please, l can't get kicked out again.
Okay, we're not gonna go anywhere, all right?
All right, come on.
Why don't we go in the other room?
-How did you do that? -What? That?
lt's pretty easy.
You just take one of these.
Tear it in half.
Just so you know, l wasn't...
...trying to off myself or anything.
lt's just something l do sometimes.
Doesn't it hurt?
lt feels better.
Than what?
Everything else.
Like that.
Then you try and slip them into the cracks like that.
ls he a drunk?
l don't know. Maybe.
Then you'll have to say no.
lt's just like Darian and Falcon.
He was addicted to gambling...
...and even though she completely loved him...
...she had to walk away.
Do l know these people?
From Santa Cruz.
lt was more complicated for them.
They were actually half-brother, half-sister.
But Darian didn't know that when she found out about the gambling.
Can't believe this is the advice l'm getting.
A show doesn't stay on the air for 1 8 years for being stupid.
Tonight's Iecture: ''I've Worked AII 1 2 Steps.
Can I Go Home Now?''
Bus is here.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
Let's go, team! lt's all about trust today.
Come here.
Listen.
About last night, l really think you should tell somebody.
-Oh, yeah. l already did. -Yeah, when?
This morning. l found my counselor, and l told her...
...and we talked about it. She'll help me.
Hold on. You really talked to her?
No, l'm making it up.
We don't really have to climb this thing, do we?
We don't know the whole story. We ought to hear her side...
...before we go saying what's what.
Guzzling Gwen!
-What's with the ring-in-the-roll guy? -Who?
Your boyfriend!
Andrea, does the phrase ''in confidence'' mean anything?
You never said not to tell.
l know better than anyone how important it is who you marry.
But just because somebody proposes, that don't mean you have to say yes.
-Did someone propose to Gwen? -Her boyfriend.
-l thought Gwen was a lesbian. -l'm not a lesbian!
lt's okay if you are.
Can we talk about something else?
When did this happen?
Yesterday. On the lake.
Was it sunset? Sunset by the lake is very romantic.
lt was lunchtime, and he brought a picnic...
...with champagne.
He brought champagne?
We didn't drink it. l threw it overboard.
lt's not a very cool guy to bring you booze in rehab.
He doesn't understand what l'm doing here.
lf you're serious about getting sober, your love partner would know.
You must not be committed to your recovery.
-Oh, my God! -Sorry.
Shouldn't you be doing something now?
-l got you. -l say you dump that guy.
l can make this decision on my own, okay? l don't need your help.
That's not what your sign says.
Forget what my sign says!
He doesn't know a thing about me! Neither do you all!
You don't live my shitty life.
Until you do, do not tell me to give up the one person that matters to me!
l know he's not perfect, but he's the one that'll show up on my birthday...
...and say, ''l'm glad you were born!''
What's the matter with you?
-Just let go. -Trust it.
Oh, my God! Look at my package.
No matter where I may roam
On Iand or sea or foam
You can aIways hear me Singing this song
Show me the way to go home
Here we go.
ls there a key to the ladies' room? Thank you.
Excuse me, sir.
Can l have the key to the men's room?
What?
-What? -Eddie Boone!
Thank you.
Come on, come on, come on.
l need some paper, some pens.
Dad, we need a napkin or something.
Okay, hold on. Let me look.
-This is all l got. That's it. -Thanks.
-What's your name? -l'm Adam.
-And l'm Dan. -Adam and Dan.
You pitched a no-hitter against the Braves on August 4th.
ls that right? August 4th?
Eddie, where's your car, man? l bet it's really cool!
My car?
Guys, we gotta get home. Say goodbye now.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
Have a great season, Eddie.
Mail call.
Charm Blossom, this really isn't necessary.
Lining up the mail like a bar graph to show the fullness of our lives.
l know my life is empty, okay?
For you.
-Watching game tapes? -Yep.
They're out of ginger snaps.
Looks like your mail's more fun than mine.
Do you want them?
-You don't want them? -No.
What'd you get?
-My sister's coming to family sessions. -That's good.
No. l'd pay very good money not to hear what she has to say.
So what's wrong with your balls? So to speak.
So to speak, nothing. l don't want them.
-Why not? -Because l don't.
That's a tautology. Something is what it is because it is what it is.
The sky is blue because it reflects the ocean.
The ocean is blue because it reflects the sky.
Who are you talking to?
l have no idea.
l bet you can't sit still and be quiet for one minute.
l can.
ls this what we're doing now?
A little quiet contest?
Wait a minute!
-These are not game tapes. -Wait!
-Oh, my God! -Let me have that!
l know what this is! l can't believe you watch this!
-l wasn't! -Santa Cruz watcher.
-l'm sorry. -lt's fine.
-No, l'm sorry, l'm sorry. -No, it's totally fine.
l always do that. l always do that.
You always do what?
Women....
Drugs, women. l mean, just leap before you think.
Not you. l mean....
What are you saying? What? You were...
...trying to snort me?
Yeah, maybe.
What a perfect opportunity to thank him for curing your cancer.
If I had known he was gonna save your Iife just to join it with his...
...I wouId've preferred you'd died.
Pretty good show once you get to know everybody in it.
So who sent you all those balls?
My agent. He's trying to psych me up.
Oh, for next season?
Well, for there to be a next season.
Why? You thinking about retiring?
l don't know. Might have to. l mean, you gotta quit sometime.
l'm not 22 anymore.
Plus, you know, maybe a more normal life...
...might be a little less pressure.
l understand. Marry a cute girl, move to the suburbs...
...spend your weekends mowing. You won't want to do coke again.
-Are you okay? -These headaches!
Darian? Darian?
What the heII is he doing here?
Get an ambuIance. He has meIigioma astrocytroma.
What is it?
A tiny IittIe cIuster of brain tumors.
''Tiny clusters''?
He's very sick.
Attention aII patients. Tonight's Iecture:
''What's Wrong With CeIebrating Sobriety By Getting Drunk?''
Give it to her.
Just give it to her.
My God! Where did you get this?
Guys, this is the soap opera that l watch.
-You watch my soap? -Yeah.
Eddie, you surprise me.
l only work every fifth day. What else do l do with my time?
Well, thank you very much.
Sometimes l like to read. You know, literature? Stuff like that.
Your betting is what Iost you your money and my respect.
I Iove you.
Mom, Dr. Griffin, what are you doing here?
We've come to teII you something about FaIcon.
Darian, it Iooks Iike I may be carrying FaIcon's chiId.
What do you want to bet that chiId...
...turns out to have a gambIing probIem?
It's just another tiny cIuster.
Do something!
It'II be over in a minute.
He'll get over it. Falcon will be back, better than ever.
No, Falcon's leaving the show.
He's having brain clusters.
Maybe it's more than a tiny cIuster.
l hate that mother.
l love her.
-You do? -l think she's hilarious.
l want you to talk to Gwen, and be specific.
Pick one incident.
You ruined my wedding.
And when that happened, how did you feel?
How do you think it made me feel?
Tell her.
l'm trying to explain here, okay? l mean, you asked me, so l'm just....
l mean, she shows up drunk...
...stumbles through the entire ceremony.
At the reception, she gets up...
...and, in front of my friends...
...my new in-laws, she gives this toast...
-...that was completely-- -What? What toast?
-Gwen, let your sister talk. -What toast?
''Well, not everybody can be perfect. But at least some of us can try.''
We all know that grownups have to make compromises.
And Lily is very, very grown up.
So that's what she did.
She said:
''ls Andrew...
...the very best man for me...
...on this earth?
No. And l mean, no.''
She says, ''Hey, l'm not getting any younger.
He makes a hell of a lot of money.
So l'll marry the little sucker.''
To Lily and her little sucker.
That's not what happened.
You think that your memory of that day is somehow better than mine?
-l don't think so. -Stick with the format.
l'm sticking to the format. l'm just trying to give you a picture here.
And she walks around...
...like some victim...
...like life just handed her this raw deal.
Well, you know, my father left too.
And my mother died when l was little too.
And you don't see me using that...
...as some excuse to just completely abandon all self-control...
...and indulge myself--
lndulge? What? You think l like this?
We've gotten off-track here. Lily.
Think about Gwen's behavior at your wedding...
...and tell her now how you feel.
Yeah, Lily, how does it make you feel?
You know, this is just....
l don't need this.
l have a life.
Lily, wait for me.
Beat you.
What are you doing?
Great. Another thing l suck at.
Well, hold on. Gwen, hey.
Please.
Come here a second.
-What? -What were you thinking about?
When you threw the ball, what were you thinking about?
l don't know. The mating habits of African ants. l don't know.
The striped thing.
You were thinking about hitting the mattress.
Well, you know, it might sound funny to you, but that's all wrong.
When you lock in on the strike zone...
...it's looking about the size of a peanut.
And you think, ''Damn. l gotta get that little ball in there?''
You've psyched yourself right out of the game.
The strike zone, the call...
...the count, the batter, forget all that.
You gotta think about the little things. The things you can control.
You can control your stance, your balance...
...your release, your follow-through.
Think about those little things and only those little things....
You know? l mean....
Because when you let go of the ball...
...it's over.
You don't have a say in what happens. That's somebody else's job.
-l want you to try this. -l don't want to.
l'm just curious.
-l don't want to do it. -l just want to see how you hold it.
Don't grab it, don't grab it. Look at it, look at it.
Hold it like an egg.
Loose. Easy. All right?
Let me get a look at it from over there.
All right.
l want you to throw it over here nice and easy.
Point at me with your left hand.
Throw it where you're pointing at.
Better. But you nutted the batter...
...and the other team's beating the crap out of you.
Try again. Heads up. l want you to do it again.
This time, shut your eyes.
-What? -Just shut your eyes.
-So weird. -Fire away.
Right there. That is a strike in any country.
You're a natural.
Come on.
Folks, the definition of insanity...
...is repeating the same behavior over and over, expecting different results.
Thank you.
l have a question.
Once we all leave, we have needs that are going to need to be filled...
...by people, physically, at times.
How and when can we do that? Not how, just when?
Yeah, l know, l know.
People in recovery want to know when's a good time to start dating.
And my rule of thumb is, when you get home, get yourself a plant.
l like spider plants, but whatever turns you on.
Then, in about a year, get a pet. And then, if, in say...
...two years, the plant and the pet are still alive...
...then you can start to think about having a relationship.
Thanks.
l'll be fine. l know what to do.
Don't drink, go to meetings, find a sponsor, ask for help.
Happy traiIs to you
Keep smiIing untiI then
Who cares about the cIouds
If we're together
Just sing a song And bring the sunny....
Well, l hope he makes it.
Statistically, only three out of 1 0 of us will.
So in a way...
...it's good for us if he goes back to using. You know?
Odds-wise.
God, l love afternoons like this.
Do you know what's missing?
That l don't have a dry vodka martini with two olives in a chilled glass.
God, l miss that.
Lately l've been lying awake at night...
...thinking of the dumb-ass things l've done when l was messed up.
One night last year, at dinner, l threw up all over my glazed ham.
Then l thought, ''Well, maybe nobody noticed.''
l don't think of it as a garnish.
l'm a winner.
Oh, God.
You know what the worst one was? For me?
My best friend in the whole world.
We grew up playing ball, hunting and fishing.
One Sunday morning, he walks in on me and his wife in bed.
You never live that one down.
Tell me one of yours.
Excuse me?
What's the worst thing you did when you were messed up?
l don't know.
Come on. Give me a couple. l'll pick one.
l don't really remember any.
l just told you some stuff that's....
l'm a drunk. Drunks forget everything. You know?
Come on.
Why? So l can recount the last 1 5 disgusting years to humiliate myself?
-No, thanks. -Why not?
Because l don't feel like talking about it.
You too good for me?
Are you dense? Did your mom drop you on your head?
l said no. l don't want to talk about it. Just drop it.
God, it's so hard.
You're a doctor. That's the way it's supposed to be.
We carry our own bags here. This isn't the Sheraton.
Your chores are posted. We will take the stairs.
What? l paid you a shitload of money. l am not doing any chores.
-Pills. -Booze.
Coke and sex.
It's your daughter, Darian, Deirdre.
Don't worry about Darian. I tucked her into bed hours ago.
So did I.
No.
Oh, God!
lt was an unbelievable episode. l wish you'd seen it.
Everyone was losing their minds.
What are you doing?
Packing.
What does it look like?
-You're not leaving for a couple days. -So?
l am leaving. Might as well get ready.
There's no point in making this room all homey...
...for only, like, 42 more hours.
There's 20 minutes left till curfew. Let's get ice cream.
-Satisfy your sugar cravings. -No, thanks.
You don't have to do this.
Do what?
How do you know what l have to do? Have you ever left rehab?
No, but l--
You've never left rehab, so you don't know what you're talking about.
True, but l have been a part of some very emotional sing-outs--
l'm sorry. That's right. You sang ''Lean On Me'' a few times.
The stupidest cheesy song ever.
You must know about leaving rehab better than anyone.
l got an eyelash. Make a wish.
Custody of my kids.
Sobriety.
Come on, baby. We all want that.
Think of something else.
My foreskin back.
No one asked me before they took it.
They just took it.
Way to share, Gerhardt. Way to share.
Okay, here we go.
All gone.
Read the sign.
Betty, where's the love?
Daniel, wow.
Guzzling Gwen.
What happened?
This? l honest to God don't know.
Well, it's really nice to see you.
Get a room.
Oh, my God, it's a joke!
lt's a miracle! Oh, you know what?
l could use your medical expertise, if you got a second.
l got a second.
-Use a condom. -Ah, two! Two in one day!
Gerhardt?
l wrote this for Andrea's going away, and that is for you.
-Am l the lead? -Yes.
lf you could do that, that would be great.
l should direct this.
-You don't want me. -You'll be great.
Gwen, l'll ruin it.
You get to wear lipstick.
Really?
So just think Meryl Streep.
Think Cry in the Dark. Remember?
''Dingo stole my baby. A dingo stole my baby.''
Andrea D., mail pickup at the Parker cabin, main room.
Okay, go. Go, go.
-Gerhardt, come on! -All right. Okay.
Watch the phone.
Somebody sent you a cute little monkey.
We used to make those here. They're real easy.
You take a string, tie it around the toes.
Becomes the head.
And arms--
Come here.
Sit down.
Hello, everybody. My name's Gwen.
l'm an alcoholic and an addict. But l guess you already know that.
ln honor of Andrea's departure...
...instead of singing ''Lean On Me'' yet again...
...we have our own version of Santa Cruz.
l hope you like it.
And now...
...Santa Booze.
Oh, Falcon. l am so afraid.
When they find l've taken you out of the hospital...
...Mother and Dr. Griffin Hartley are sure to come here.
What will we do?
lf l can't be without--
With you.
lf l can't be with you, l would rather be dead.
But, dear God, the tiny clusters of tumors in my brain.
Oh, God, the tiny little clusters of tumors in his brain!
Somebody, help! Oh, God!
Wait...
...l have some pills that....
l'm okay. lt's okay. l'm okay.
Oh, Falcon...
...hold me.
l knew we'd find you two together.
Darian, your lover...
...is also your sister!
No!
lt's not possible.
lt is not possible.
Deirdre, darling, l have some bad news.
Your daughter, Darian, Falcon's lover and sister...
...is also carrying my baby.
-No! -No!
Oh, God!
Get out of here! Get out of here!
All right. l got no problem getting out of here. l'll do this.
-What are you doing? -lmprovising. They do that on soaps.
What are you doing?
Just improvising. Go with it.
-Oh! But, no, my tumors! -lt's the melio....
Melagioma nestrocytroma.
Whatever. l'm sorry. There's nothing l can do.
What are you doing?
lt says in the script that we kiss.
l like you, bon voyage, but l'm not kissing Gerhardt.
Okay, everybody.
Excellent work. That was really good sharing. l really enjoyed that.
Good use of feeling words and all that. Give me more.
Who are you?
Evelyn. Don't you recognize the hat?
Okay, but seeing as you're all addicts...
...drugs, sex, the same story line for 1 6 years...
...here are some therapeutic tools to keep you going.
Sometimes you gotta kiss ass before you can kick it.
lt's the engine that kills you, not the caboose.
Make love, not war.
Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You missed a damn fine show. All your favorite characters were there.
Yeah, well, l'm happy for you.
You can't still be mad at me.
Listen, l'm sorry l said that. You're not dense.
You're great. And....
That's why l didn't want to rehash...
...my entire disgusting history in front of you, because....
And what you'll think. You'll just--
l know people's perceptions of girls who screw other girls' boyfriends.
l know what the world's perception is on somebody who goes into a bar...
...and realizes hours later l've left my 3-year-old godson in the car.
People don't like people like that. l don't like people like that.
Those are just things you've done. Not who you are.
People make mistakes, you know?
Who you are is just fine.
More than fine.
Jasper. What are you doing here?
l was looking for you. Successfully, as it turns out.
l meant, why aren't you at your parents' house?
l realized, what with them being completely senile...
...l could thank them for a great time, they'll think l made the trip.
See, l thought you might be lonely.
This is Eddie.
He's a patient here.
And he's from Oklahoma.
How do you do, Eddie from Oklahoma? l'm Jasper.
l'll leave you guys to it, then.
Hang on, l don't know about that.
You see, the way l see it, Gwennie, we've got two options here.
Scenario 1 : We let Eddie head off to the showers...
...wash off that manly sweat, and we could bullshit our way through the day.
Or scenario 2:
We could acknowledge the awkward situation we're in.
l don't know what you mean.
That's a clear vote for scenario 1 . How about you, Eddie from Oklahoma?
Care to weigh in?
Abstaining? lnteresting.
That leaves only me in favor of calling a spade a spade.
And saying, pardon me, but l'd prefer if you wouldn't sleep with my fiancée.
You got the wrong idea here, pal.
Don't call me ''pal.''
l'm not your pal. And don't treat me like an idiot.
Do me that one courtesy, because l'm not that, either.
ln fact, l've got more brain cells...
...than your entire redneck family all put together.
Don't be a jerk.
Gwen, don't be a slut. Back off, pal.
Go. Go.
-Let me see it. Let me just-- -Get off!
Let's put some ice on it.
Come on.
This way.
Honey, wake up.
Somebody! Somebody! Come!
Gwen, what is it?
Go back in your rooms!
What did you do? Your hands are so cold.
Hurry up!
What happened?
-She took that. -Well, what?
l don't know what this is! Get somebody!
We have an emergency. Send an ambulance.
Let me in.
Get back in your rooms!
Oh, Jesus.
I'd rather be dreaming than Iiving
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances, not choices
Noises, not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do
Dreams might be pretend
But at Ieast dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking, you see
Thought's a smaII comfort to me
We as a community have all been deeply affected by our loss.
l'd like to begin with how l feel. And that's...
...scared.
Because l've heard so many people here say, ''l just want to use one more time.''
Andrea's ''one more time'' was what killed her.
She didn't kill herself.
She used.
She overdosed.
That's what happens....
There's nothing...
...you or l or anybody could've done about it.
lt's important. You need to understand this.
lt's me.
What happened?
Are you aII right?
Gwennie?
l'm sorry.
l don't know....
You want to know how l feel?
How l always felt around you?
Small.
You have this...
...way.
You know, it's that Mom thing.
That amazing gravitational force.
Even when she was a mess, you know, the world noticed her.
You have that.
And l guess...
...l figured that you always knew that.
l don't know. When l went back home...
...l started thinking.
And maybe you don't know that...
...about yourself.
l mean, who would've told you, you know? Not me.
The only thing l ever told you was...
...what a pain in the ass you were.
l am a pain in the ass.
Even a pain in the ass needs...
...someone...
...to take care of them.
l didn't do that.
l didn't...
...and l should have.
l should have helped you with your homework.
l should have walked you home after school.
Sometimes l'd be walking with my friends, and l'd see you...
...half a block ahead, all alone.
You were so little.
Well, so were you.
l never asked for help, so....
But you needed it. Didn't you?
And everybody does.
Yep.
l'm sorry l make it so impossible to love me.
You make it impossible for me not to love you.
Ninety meetings in ninety days.
And ask for help. lt's always there.
Anything else?
Just goodbye.
Jeremiah was a buIIfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood A singIe word he said
But I heIped him drink his wine
And he aIways had Some mighty fine wine
Take care, sweetie.
Joy to the worId
AII the boys and girIs
Joy to the fishes In the deep bIue sea
Joy to you and me
If I were the king of the worId
I'II teII you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars And the bras and the war
And make sweet Iove to you
Look, l messed up.
l got riled up.
There isn't a lot l can do about it now, except to say l'm sorry.
And you know, people make mistakes.
lf you can't handle that, if you....
lf you want to decide that...
...my messing up means l'm not worth being your friend...
...then you're not as smart as you think you are.
That guy, Jasper.
l don't know him.
But l do know that he is dangerous for you.
Wait.
Turkey.
Meant to be symbolic of my behavior last time we saw each other.
l tried to track down some roasted asshole, but....
Listen, all right?
l've been thinking about us. l can change if you want me to.
And we can have a totally different life. All right?
l'll buy running shoes.
We'll take up yoga or jogging. We'll be organized.
Pay our bills, floss our teeth.
We won't set fire to the apartment anymore.
l'll buy a goldfish, and we'll be like normal people.
You hate normal people.
No. What l hate is being without you.
You don't want to do this on your own, do you?
We have to go.
Ten people die, but 500 people have an amazing time...
...chasing this cheese in the middle of the Cotswolds.
The only person who dies, should really die, is old women.
Jasper, do you ever shut up?
l'm sorry.
But it's just that, you know, if l'm gonna really--
Stay clean and sober, as they say in the program.
Yeah. But it's not that simple.
Everything has to be different.
Absolutely.
And that includes us.
l'm trying to change things in me.
-l'm trying to-- -Look who's here.
Hey, Marty.
Elaine, look.
l was hoping l'd find you here.
My God, she's alive. Gwennie's back in action.
Celebrate with us. We got a monster table going in the back.
Excellent idea.
We're in the middle of something now.
Oh, come on, Gwennie.
Give us a couple of minutes. We'll be over.
That was really embarrassing.
Where are you going?
They're waiting.
We'll just go in the back, have a soda water, and then go.
They just want to say welcome home. Come on.
What are you doing?
l don't know. l'm just trying to make my outsides match my insides, l guess.
Leave the horse alone.
Oh, come on.
l just need help!
Right now!
l can control the little things.
Then l just have to let go.
And it's up to somebody else.
The hoof's looking pretty good.
Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
Are we all fixed now?
Not yet...
...but l'm getting there.
What else have you gotta do? Check his teeth?
Bye, Jasper.
Sir, l can't replace the plant just because you killed it.
l did not kill it.
lt was sick or something. l gave it everything.
l was talking to it, telling it stories.
l drew a sketch of it and put it on my refrigerator.
Did you water it?
lt's important that l did not kill this plant. Do you understand?
lf you're just saying that because that's your excuse...
...you have to understand....
You can't mess with-- l'm never gonna get laid.
You obviously don't care. And that's one thing l do, is care.
l feel sorry for all the plants in here.
l'm going home.
l killed the plant.
lt's okay. lt's okay.
l killed the plant.
lt's okay. You still have your dog.
l don't even think he likes me.
l don't want to, l just....
What are you doing here? lt's so good to see you!
lt looks like somewhere out in the middle of nowhere.
-l see trees-- -No cell phones.
We carry our own bags here. This isn't the Sheraton.
Hey, Falcon.
What?
l don't mean to bother you, but....
Don't miss tonight's Iecture: