[MUSIC PLAYS]
[HORNS HONK]
MAN ON TV: AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF ADVERTIZING MY ELECTRIC FOOD DEHYDRATOR
AND BEEF JERKY MACHINE, I'VE DECIDED...
POP, PLEASE. NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING.
[TV TURNS OFF]
THANK YOU.
SO THE LAKERS ARE LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR, HUH?
I THINK KOBE'S GONNA TAKE IT ALL THE WAY.
I HAVE NO APPETITE.
MOM WOULD WANT YOU TO EAT.
HAPPY NOW?
I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE.
THINK YOU MIGHT GO OUT TODAY?
MAYBE CHANGE IN TO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T SCREAM JOHNNY CASH.
YOUR MOTHER LOVED JOHNNY CASH.
SHE LOVED ALL MUSIC,
ESPECIALLY AMERICAN IDOL.
NOBODY VOTED MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.
NOBODY.
SHE WAS CRUSHED WHEN THE JESUS FREAK BEAT OUT THE FAGELA.
[GRUNTS] DAD...
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING THAT WORD?
HERE WE GO. I CAN'T TALK IN MY OWN HOME?
IT'S MY HOME TOO. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY "GAY?"
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALL GAY.
YOUR COUSIN MARVIN'S A FAGELA
AND I'VE NEVER ONCE SEEN HIM SMILE.
OK. ENOUGH WITH THE HOMOPHOBIA.
YOU'RE SO MISERABLE HERE. GO.
I WISH. BUT I PROMISED MOM I WOULD STAY HERE AND TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I SHOULD GO LIVE WITH YOUR BROTHER.
HE TREATS ME LIKE A KING.
WELL, THE SOONER THE BETTER, YOUR MAJESTY.
I'M SORRY, POP.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I COULD DO FOR YOU TODAY?
YEAH. YOU COULD KILL ME.
BUT THEN WHO WOULD TORTURE ME?
MAN ON TV: ...MOUTH WATERING PORK LOIN ROAST.
NINE JUICY 1/4 POUND HAMBURGERS.
FOUR BIG, HEALTHY SALMON STEAKS.
["HELLO DARLING" BY PIERRE DE REEDER PLAYS]
[SIGHS]
WOMAN THROUGH SPEAKERS: DESIRE RAGED IN EVERY PORE OF HIS BODY.
A FLASH OF HEAT POUNDED HIS LOINS.
FOR SHE WAS A SIREN.
HE MARVELED AT THE SUPPLE ARCH OF HER BEAUTIFUL BACK,
HER TINY WASTE TAPERING TO A HEART-SHAPED DERNIER.
HE CROUCHED IN FRONT OF HER SEATED FORM. CHAPTER THREE.
"LET ME LOVE YOU," HE WHISPERED.
SHE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO RESIST THIS.
"NOTHING ON EARTH CAN QUELL THE FLAMES OF MY HEART."
DESIRE AND SHINE...
OH, MY GOD! IT IS MY DREAM WEDDING DRESS.
WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT HAS NO BEADING. AND I LOVE BEADING. FORGET IT. THIS SUCKS.
ALLEN, CHILL. WE'RE PREPARED FOR THIS. YOU GOT A PRENUP.
MOLLY, IS DEB IN?
YES, MR. DORFMAN.
[TYPING]
HEY, DEB, I'M OUT OF HERE AFTER LUNCH TODAY.
GOT TO GO SCHMOOZE WILLIAMS. YOU FINISH HIS NUMBERS?
-YEAH. -I NEED YOU TO PULL UP ALLEN KLEIN'S PRENUP.
AND I NEED THE TAX ANALYSIS FOR THE LINEAR CITY AUDIT BY WEDNESDAY.
UH...DONE AND DONE.
AND ABOUT MY RAISE, YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD SLEEP ON IT
A MONTH AGO.
I'M GIVING YOU SOMETHING BETTER--
A NEW 17.3-INCH LAPTOP. I'LL SEE YOU SUNDAY, DEB.
YOU'RE MY ROCK!
-YOU'RE MY ROLL. -ROCK AND ROLL!
SO I SAID TO MYSELF, "LEEANN, LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE COACH
AND ANSWER THE QUESTION. WHAT DO YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?"
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I ANSWERED?
A RALPH LAUREN MENORAH?
DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY MENORAH COLLECTION.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO CONVERSION CLASS
AND HONOR THE TRADITIONS OF OUR HEBREW PEOPLE.
SORRY. OK. SO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY?
I NEED A BABY.
BUT YOU HAVE A BABY, NAMED DANIEL. HEH. BOOM.
UHH...
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, DEB.
YOU JUST CRACK JOKES TO HIDE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.
WELL, 'CAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.
WELL...
OK. YOU KNOW, LEEANN,
THE TRUTH IS I'VE REALLY BEEN MISSING MY MOM LATELY.
DEB, THE PAST IS THE PAST. LET'S FOCUS ON THE FUTURE.
OUR CLOCKS ARE TICKING. AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
OUR BOOBS ARE GOING TO BE SAGGING
AND OUR FACES WILL LOOK LIKE OLD PRUNES.
WOW. NOT JUST PRUNES. OLD PRUNES.
YEAH. DON'T SURRENDER, DEB. GET IN THE GAME AND FIGHT.
ASK THE QUESTION. DON'T BE AFRAID.
OK. SO WHAT DO I NEED TO BE HAPPY?
WELL...
I NEED TO KNOW WHY THIS TABLE IS SET FOR FIVE.
OH, NO. LEEANN, NO. NO, NO. NOT AGAIN.
DEB, YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE. AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE HUGH.
NOW HOPEFULLY, SOMETHING IN MY CLOSET WILL FIT YOU.
COME.
WELL, IT WAS ALMOST A DISASTER.
BUT I FINALLY CLOSED OUT MY PIED-A-TERRE ON PARK AVENUE.
GREAT. DO YOU STILL HAVE A CONDO ON CABO?
AH, GOD NO. I FLIPPED THAT FOR A RANCH IN TELLURIDE.
COOL. DO YOU STILL HAVE A CITATION?
NOPE. TRADED THAT IN.
HAD TO HAVE A GULF STREAM.
WOW. DO YOU STILL HAVE A REALLY SMALL DICK?
[SNORTS]
YOU HAVE TO EXCUSE MY DAUGHTER.
SHE'S EITHER AN IDIOT OR A LESBIAN.
SORRY.
ALLEN, I DID CHECK.
AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S NEW BREASTS CAN'T BE WRITTEN OFF.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] -COME ON, DEB.
DORFMAN, BUSY?
NO, TELEMARKETER. HATE THEM.
JAY, COME IN.
[SIGHS] IT'S BEEN A DAY.
AND I NEEDED TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE.
OH.
HEH. NO. [SNORTS]
IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH AND FOUR DAYS.
-SO WHAT'S WRONG? -OH, THE USUAL.
JUST WAITING FOR MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT.
OH, WHERE'S YOUR DOOFUS BROTHER?
PROBABLY ON THE SIXTH HOLE ABOUT NOW.
HE TOLD ME YOU BOUGHT A LOFT DOWNTOWN.
JUST MOVED IN.
THE PLACE IS A TOTAL MESS, LIKE MY LIFE.
OH, YOU'RE GREAT. YOUR LIFE IS...GREAT.
YOU JUST FEEL A LITTLE LOST WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON A STORY.
NOBODY KNOWS ME LIKE YOU DO.
GREAT VLOG LAST WEEK ON SOMALIA.
THOSE KIDS JUST BREAK YOUR HEART.
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD INSIDE.
I LIVE WITH A KID LIKE THAT, MY DAD.
DEB, OK, YOU GOTTA BREAK FREE, GOT TO HAVE SOME FUN.
DON'T I OWE YOU DINNER FOR THAT PEP TALK WHEN I WAS IN CAMBODIA?
IT'S TWO DINNERS ACTUALLY. IT WAS, UM,
SOMALIA AND CAMBODIA. SO...
IT'S FINE.
OK. ROYAL CLAYTON'S TONIGHT, DOWNTOWN, 7:00 PM.
TAKE THE METRO.
BECAUSE TRAFFIC IS GONNA BE CRAZY.
WHERE IS ROYAL CLAYTON'S?
GOOGLE. OK. THIS IS LIKE A FELONY TO ME.
SO TRY TALKING TO IT.
OH. OK.
CIAO.
BYE.
IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD.
IN MOGADISHU, SOMALIA,
THE REBEL GROUP AL-SHABAAB IS RAISING CHILD SOLDIERS.
MOST ARE ORPHANS FROM THE CIVIL WAR,
HUNGRY AND HOPELESS WITH NO SCHOOLS,
NO EMPLOYMENT, AND NO SOCIAL SKILLS...
I LOVE HIM.
["HOW ARE YOU DOING?" BY THE LIVING SISTERS PLAYS]
[APPLAUSE ON TV]
ALL RIGHT, POP, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN TONIGHT.
-'CAUSE I GOT A MIXER AT THE TEMPLE. -LIAR.
THERE'S CHICKEN SOUP ON THE STOVE.
YOU JUST NEED TO REHEAT IT.
I HAVE NO APPETITE.
OK. YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TRY IT.
I ADDED A NEW INGREDIENT TO MOM'S RECIPE.
RAT POISON?
["GO AWAY" BY THE NUCC PLAYS]
OH. CLOSE.
-ALL RIGHT, WHO'S UP NEXT? -HEY.
-YOU MADE IT! -YEAH. HI!
THESE ARE MY NEW NEIGHBORS. CHELSEA AND VRONKA.
THIS IS DEB.
HI.
I LOVE YOUR DRESSES.
SO DID YOU GET YOUR ASSIGNMENT?
STILL WAITING TO HEAR.
WAITING. WAITING.
OH, PLEASE. TOSS ME CRUMB. LIKE FILTHY PIG DOG.
THAT CRAZY BITCH IS BIPOLAR.
OK. YOU GIRLS PLAY NICE OR GO HOME.
THIS CITY IS NOT MY HOME. KRAKOW IS HOME.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
OH, A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. I'M FROM THE VALLEY.
EW.
[PHONE VIBRATES] -VIBRATING. THIS COULD BE KABUL.
-OH. -IT'S MY PRODUCER.
ANDREW, YES, HEY. UH, WAIT 'TIL I GET OUTSIDE.
GOD, HE'S SO BRAVE.
SO ARE YOU IN TO JAY? THAT BOY IS SO HOT.
NO, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS. HE'S BEST FRIENDS WITH MY OLDER BROTHER.
AND SO HE REALLY THINKS OF ME AS A LITTLE SISTER.
YOU KNOW, SO HE JUST CALLS ME WHENEVER HE NEEDS A PEP TALK.
BUT WHEN HE DOES CALL, IT'S SORT OF LIKE TIME STANDS STILL.
NOT THAT--NOT THAT I BELIEVE IN THAT CRAP. [SNORTS]
WHAT DO YOU DO, VALLEY GIRL?
I'M AN ACCOUNTANT. WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS?
WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU'RE SOME SORT OF PROFESSIONALS, I'M GUESSING.
WE'RE MODELS.
OH. THAT'S EXCITING.
YOU KNOW, WE NEED A NEW ACCOUNTANT.
OUR GUY IS ALWAYS IN REHAB.
OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD CALL ME. HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
I'M NEVER IN REHAB.
"DEBORAH DORFMAN."
OH. YOU'RE JEWISH ACCOUNTANT, HUH?
-IS THAT A PROBLEM? -NO. IT'S MORE LIKE, YOU KNOW.
CLICHE.
WHAT, LIKE YOU BEING A POLISH ANTI-SEMITE?
-I'M SORRY. -SUCH EXCELLENT RETORT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE THIS BITCH.
-OH. -DORFMAN.
YES? WELL, KABUL?
-I LEAVE SUNDAY. -YES!
-GO GET 'EM, JAY. -OH, I WILL.
OH, MY CAT.
WELL, I CAN'T BOARD ELMER. HE'LL FREAK.
OH, ELMER.
HEY, YOU GUYS, COULD YOU WATCH HIM FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE?
-I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS. -I DON'T DO LITTER.
I DO CATS AND I DO LITTER.
SO I DON'T DO CATS. UM. CLEAN--I CAN--
I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH YOUR CAT.
YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
YES. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
-HIGH FIVE. -KABUL.
-KA-BUL! YEA.
WOW. KABUL.
YEA!
SUNDAY DINNER IS A SACRED TRADITION IN THIS FAMILY.
LIKE YOM KIPPUR OR HANUKAH.
OR THE SUPER BOWL.
NOBODY LOVES THE SUPER BOWL MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER.
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO DEB?
SHE'S SO INTO HERSELF.
["SAFE IN L.A." BY GOLD MOTEL PLAYS]
HI.
OK. OK. NO TIME FOR A TOUR.
-HERE IS THE KEYS. -OK.
AND I WILL SKYPE. THE COMPUTER'S ON THE DESK.
THE TV DOWNSTAIRS IS BROKEN. SORRY.
IT'S OK.
THERE'S A GREAT SHABU-SHABU PLACE AROUND THE CORNER.
YOU GOT TO CHECK THAT OUT. WHAT ELSE?
I LEFT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING UPSTAIRS. THANK YOU.
AND, UH, IT IS SUCH A MESS IN THERE.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
I'LL GET ALL YOUR STUFF UNPACKED FOR YOU.
AND IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED?
[SIGHS] EVERYTHING.
ART ON THE WALLS, PLANTS, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO--
HEY, IT'S ME. DORFMAN.
YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME.
[ENGINE STARTS]
ELMER.
IT'S YOUR AUNTY DEB.
OH...POOP.
SIX DAYS.
[SNORTS]
NO WAY.
OH.
MY PRESENT.
THINGS TO SEE.
AND POSSIBLY SHARE.
-IT WILL BE DONE, ELMER. [MEOW]
BECAUSE NOTHING ON EARTH CAN QUELL THE FLAMES OF MY HEART.
[MEOW] -OH!
[YOWLS]
BERT, YOU BARELY ATE TWO BITES OF DINNER.
AT LEAST HAVE SOME FLAN.
YOUR MOTHER COULDN'T EAT FLAN. IT GAVE HER PHLEGM.
IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR ALREADY, POP.
YOU GOT TO SNAP OUT OF THIS.
I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A BUMMER FOR YOU, DANIEL.
I'LL JUST SIT OUTSIDE AND HOPE THE COYOTES GET ME.
["FAST AS I CAN" BY NADIA FAY PLAYS]
[MEOW]
ELMER, STOP, YOU LITTLE BRAT.
[MEOW] -BETTER GET USED TO ME.
I PLAN ON SPENDING A LOT OF TIME HERE.
WOMAN ON IPOD: HE WAS DETERMINED TO BRING HER TO THE PINNACLE OF ECSTASY
AS THE HEAT OF THEIR PASSION WHIRLED AROUND THEM,
COCOONING THEM IN SILKEN STRANDS OF PLEASURE.
DESIRE TOOK ON A FINE, SHARP EDGE.
[PHONE RINGS]
THIS IS DEB.
I THOUGHT POP WAS GETTING BETTER.
DEB: HE IS. SIX MONTHS AGO, HE WOULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.
AND NOW HE WON'T STOP WATCHING QVC.
YOU KNOW HOW MOM LOVED THAT STUFF. GOD, HE ADORED HER.
TRUE THAT.
I MISS MOM. I EVEN MISS IT--
YEAH, DEB, I AM CLUELESS ABOUT HOW TO HELP POP.
YOU GOT TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO WATCH JAY'S DOG.
CAT, NO. NO WAY. JAY NEEDS ME.
YOU CAN HANDLE POP UNTIL SATURDAY. I'LL BE HOME THEN.
COME ON. YOU'RE MY ROCK, DAN.
ROCK AND ROLL.
OK.
[DOGS BARKING]
HEY. I'M LIL G. AND YOU ARE?
OH, I'M DEB. I'M JUST STAYING IN 719 FOR THE WEEK.
I'M CAT SITTING.
OH. AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY, D-TOWN DEB?
OH, I DON'T REMEMBER. I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC
THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF FROM ENCINO.
WELL, TOMORROW, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY TAKING THE METRO TO THE VALLEY.
NO STRESS, NO MESS.
OK.
GOD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE.
YOU PROBABLY STOPPED TO GET THE MAIL.
I CAN DO THAT.
-HI. -HI.
FRIEND OF JAY'S?
UM, YES, I AM CAT SITTING FOR A CAT THAT HATES ME.
AND CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY
TO PUT A MAN IN OUTER SPACE BUT WE CAN'T MAKE A MAILBOX KEY
THAT ACTUALLY OPENS AND--
YEAH. AND A THOUSAND PIECES OF JUNK MAIL.
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE PLANET NEEDS.
WE SHOULD KILL MORE TREES AND SMALL CREATURES--
YEAH, I HATE JUNK MAIL.
THIS IS AN INVITE TO MY ART OPENING FRIDAY.
OH.
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE JUNKY JUNK MAIL
LIKE STUFF YOU DON'T WANT.
JUST EXTRA PAPER...NEVER MIND.
THANK YOU. SORRY. YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I'D LIKE TO PAINT YOU.
PUT PAINT ON ME OR PUT PAINT ON A CANVAS? I'M MARRIED.
-I'M GAY. -OH, GOOD.
-WET PAINT. -OH.
-NICE TO MEET YOU, DEBORAH. -DEB.
NO, NO, NO, DEB. DEB IS CUTE, SWEET, PEOPLE PLEASER.
YOU'RE A DEBORAH.
OK. AND YOU ARE?
ROOM 518 IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
WELCOME TO D-TOWN.
THANK YOU.
COOKIE.
[MAN GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
HUH, POP?
NOW YOU GIVE IT A TRY.
OR THERE'S VIRTUAL BOXING OR VIRTUAL GOLF.
[PHONE RINGS]
LEEANN TEXTED ME FROM UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S IN THE BABYMAKING WINDOW. SO I GOT TO GO PERFORM.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT VIRTUALLY?
[LAUGHS]
YOU MADE A JOKE, POP. THAT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE LOVED BEING A GRANDMA.
SHE WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT.
POP, DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD FATHER?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THE GREATEST.
GO. GO. GO. MAKE A BABY.
THANKS.
THE ONLY TEARS THAT YOU SHED WITH THIS MACHINE
WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.
[APPLAUSE ON TV]
HMM.
OK.
WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT EVERYTHING?
WHAT?
HI. SORRY.
UM, WELL, YOU SAID IF I NEEDED ANYTHING. SO HERE I AM
WITH A PRE-THANK YOU GIFT.
UM, YOU DON'T HAVE A TOOLKIT THAT I COULD MAYBE BORROW
AND THEN MAYBE YOU COULD COME BY AND HELP ME MOVE A FEW THINGS?
WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?
MY--
RIGHT. HE, UM...
HE'S A TOTAL LIE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
OK. NOW WHAT?
WOMAN ON IPOD: HER LIGHT BREATH FEATHERED THE HOLLOW OF HIS CHEEK.
WHEN HER TONGUE TENTATIVELY TOUCHED HIS,
HE WAS SWEPT INTO A SWIRLING MAELSTROM OF LONGING.
HER EYES WERE DILATED WITH PASSION.
AND SO HE DRIFTED EVER LOWER,
FINALLY HALTING TO TEASE THE BUD OF HER BREAST
DRAWING IT AS INTENSELY AS HE DARED INTO THE DEPTHS OF HIS MOUTH.
HER LEGS OPENED FULLY WIDE, LIKE A BUTTERFLY'S WINGS ON A SPRING MORNING--
[SKYPE RINGS] -OH, DON'T HANG UP!
WOO. UH. I'M COMING! DON'T HANG UP.
I NEEDED TO GRAB A TOWEL.
OK. UM...
WHAT DO I PRESS?
HI? HI! HI. HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
SO FAR.
YOU WERE RIGHT. YOUR LOFT IS SUPER COOL.
YOU'RE COOL.
HA. [SNORTS] NO.
YOU ARE.
[MEOW] -OH, I THINK SOMEONE WANTS TO SAY HI TO YOU.
HEY, BUDDY.
HI. SAY, "HI, DADDY."
HI, DADDY. HE MISSES YOU.
WOW. HE LET YOU HOLD HIM?
KIND OF. HE'S REPENTING FOR DIVE BOMBING ME THE FIRST DAY HERE.
HEY, BUDDY. WE'RE GOING TO BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.
HI.
MAN: HEY, JAY, THE HUMVEE'S HERE!
OH. I GOT TO GO. LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
I LOVE YOU GUYS. SEE YOU SOON.
LOVE YOU TOO.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
COMING!
HEY!
OH.
IF IT ISN'T MY GAY FRIEND COOKIE.
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS COOKIE ANYWAY?
IT RANKS RIGHT UP THERE WITH APPLE.
-MORNING PERSON, HUH? -HMM.
WHOA. PERSONAL SPACE.
OH, PACKING PEANUT.
-OH. -RELAX.
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME?
WELL, YOU DID GIVE ME A REALLY FINE BOTTLE OF WINE.
YEAH. I DID.
DID YOU AND YOUR CALIENTE GIRLFRIEND ENJOY MY WINE?
NOPE. SAVING IT FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
OH.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
SO...
WHAT'S...
THAT'S ME TELLING YOU TO DO YOUR CREATIVE THING
AND BE ARTSY AND TELL ME WHERE TO...
OK.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
NO, NO. YOU'RE THE CREATIVE ONE.
SO ARE YOU. JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT.
YEAH. I'M SO NOT FUN. SORRY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
WHITE WALL. PEANUTS.
YOU NOT HELPING.
SUCK IT UP, DEBORAH.
YOU NEED FURNITURE MOVED, ANYTHING AT ALL, I'M YOUR MAN.
WAIT, WAIT. OK. SO I KNOW THAT JAY LOVES PLANTS.
SO I'LL START THERE.
WHERE DO I GET PLANTS?
THE PLACE IS AMAZING. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY JUST DELIVER.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OK. WHATEVER HE JUST SAID ABOUT ME, DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE SAYS YOU GOT BIG HEART.
HOW DO YOU SAY THANK YOU IN FARSI?
NO CLUE. I AM EGYPTIAN.
OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I JUST...
-PERSIAN? -NO, WE'RE NOT ALL PERSIAN HERE.
MOST BUT NOT ALL.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.
SO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WALK ME TO THE METRO?
SUCK IT UP, DEBORAH. YOU JUST NEED TO BE YOUR BADASS SELF DOWN HERE.
WATCH.
NOW YOU.
-YOU BAD? -[SCOFFS] YO MAMA.
YEAH!
NICE.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
GIVING THOSE TO YOUR HOT CHA-CHA GIRLFRIEND?
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. THESE ARE FOR ME.
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, DEBORAH.
BYE.
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS TO WALK ME TO THE METRO.
HE GAVE ME 20 NOT TO.
GREAT.
HOW MUCH ARE THOSE?
HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH, MY GOD.
THEY HAVE RED VELVET WEDDING CAKE. WHAT?
HEY, MOLLY. I NEED A MAKE UP GIFT FOR LEEANN.
AGAIN?
SHE'S DYING FOR THE DURA ROSE GOLD PARISIAN.
GET A GRIP. THAT'S WAY OVERKILL.
-MORNING. -CAN I HAVE THOSE?
DRIVE THESE OVER TO MY HOUSE ON YOUR LUNCH BREAK
WITH A CARD SAYING, "I LOVE YOU, BABE."
-UNH. -OH, I KNOW.
I GOT SLURPEED BY THE CUTEST TWO-YEAR-OLD SOCIOPATH.
OH, LEEANN PREGNANT YET?
-WELL, SHE'S-- [PHONE RINGS]
OH, I GOT A CALL. HEY, IT'S ALLEN.
HEY, ALLEN. OH, I HEAR YOU, BUDDY.
WE'LL DO THE FRONT NINE THIS TIME.
OH, HEY, REALLY BIG FAVOR.
MY BRIDAL SHOWER IS THIS FRIDAY.
AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A MAID OF HONOR.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MARRIED AND HAPPY AND LA LA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY SINGLE GIRL I KNOW. SO...
IT'S AN INSULT AND AN HONOR.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
YOU--I WOULD TOTALLY HUG YOU,
BUT YOU ARE REALLY GROSS RIGHT NOW. SO, UNH.
OK. I HAVE A CLEAN SHIRT IN MY GYM BAG IF...
-OK. -IT'S REALLY CUTE TOO.
THANKS.
HARD AT WORK?
UH, YEAH.
WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR TWO NEW CLIENTS.
THIS IS CHELSEA AND VRONKA. THIS IS MY BROTHER DANIEL.
YOU DIDN'T TELL US YOU HAD A HOT BROTHER.
WHO HAS HOT SHOT OFFICE IN BORING SUBURB?
WELCOME TO THE AGENCY.
HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU TWO TO LUNCH AND EXPLAIN WHAT I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU?
NO NEED, DANNY. WE WANT DEB TO BE OUR ACCOUNTANT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE DEB OUT FOR BIG, GLORIOUS CELEBRATION FOR SAVING US BIG BUCKS.
APPLEBEE'S?
DO THEY NOT HAVE SPEED LIMITS IN POLAND?
WE PARTY DOWN THERE.
OH, NO, NO, NO. I TAKE ONE TOKE OF THAT,
AND I GAIN BACK ALL THE WEIGHT I'VE LOST.
AND FRANKLY MY SELF ESTEEM IS QUESTIONABLE AS IS.
NO SELF ESTEEM?
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS, VRONKA?
I DO.
DEB: OK. SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS TAKING ME?
IT'S CLICHE. UGLY DUCKLING INTO BEAUTIFUL SWAN MAKEOVER.
OH, I'M OK THE WAY I AM.
OH, IS THAT REALLY WORKING FOR YOU?
JUST BEING JAY'S CAT SITTER? YOU'RE SO INTO THE BOY.
COME ON, DEB. CONFESS.
YES, I'M INTO HIM. AND HE FINALLY KISSED ME.
WELL, HE KISSED ME ONCE BEFORE. BUT IT WAS AT MY BROTHER'S WEDDING.
AND IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK,
AND HE PUKED RIGHT AFTERWARDS.
BUT ANYWAY, THE POINT IS I'VE GOT FOUR DAYS
TO FIX UP HIS LOFT. AND THEN--
THEN WHAT? YOU LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
GET REAL, CINDERELLA. YOU MIGHT BE A BOMB ACCOUNTANT,
BUT WE KNOW MEN.
GIVE THE LOFT AND YOU A MAKEOVER.
AND IN THE CONQUEST FOR JAY WILL BE ASSURED.
BUT I--I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A HOOKER.
I HEARD THAT, DEB.
I KNOW.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
DEB?
HI.
WHAT? ARE YOU TRYING TO PICK UP SAILORS?
NO, POP!
HELLO. I GOT A MAKEOVER. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PRETTY HOT, RIGHT?
TEPID?
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW. IT'S A BIT MUCH.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT REALLY ME.
BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHO ME IS YET.
I'M STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS.
YOU GOT SUITCASES-- WALKING IN--WHY--WHY--
WHY DOES HE HAVE A SUITCASE?
BECAUSE POP MISSED YOU. HEY, NOW I GOT TO GO.
LEEANN IS IN A BABYMAKING WINDOW.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU ARE NOT JUST DROPPING POP HERE.
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?
PIPES EVERYWHERE? NO WALLS. NO CARPETING.
IT'S MODERN, POP.
WELL, IS THERE A BATHROOM? OR AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE
A MODERN PISS RIGHT HERE ON CEMENT FLOOR?
YES, THERE'S A TOILET. GO TO THE RIGHT. UNH. GOD.
YOU COULDN'T JUST WAIT 'TIL SATURDAY?
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, OK?
HOW ABOUT A BRAND NEW WIRELESS OFFICEJET PRINTER?
NO.
WITH A NEW 20-INCH LCD MONITOR?
-NO. -WITH A NEW--
-WHAT DO YOU WANT? -I WANT MY RAISE.
I DESERVE THAT RAISE, DANIEL.
SO $200 MORE A WEEK
OR POP GOES HOME WITH YOU.
THEY GIVE YOU A PAIR OF CAJONES WITH THIS MAKEOVER?
NO. BUT I DID GIVE THE AGENCY A PAIR OF MODELS.
[TOILET FLUSHES] -SO DEAL?
OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST TAKE POP?
POP: YOUR MODERN TOILET JUST BLOW DRIED MY TOOKUS.
DEAL.
JUST GAVE DEB A RAISE, POP.
POP: IS YOUR BROTHER THE GREATEST OR WHAT?
THE GREATEST.
NOW I GOT TO GO. STILL MY ROCK?
ROCK WITH A RAISE.
ROLL. I'LL SEE YOU LATER, POP. OK?
POP: THE TV IS BROKEN. GOD THERE ISN'T EVEN A TV.
THERE IS A TV. IT'S UPSTAIRS WHERE YOU'LL BE SLEEPING COMFORTABLY.
INSTEAD OF ME.
WHAT'S WITH THE VERKAKTE STAIRCASE.
HEY, BABY, I'M ON MY WAY.
HURRY! THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT I'M OVULATING.
THE WINDOW IS CLOSING. I REPEAT, THE WINDOW IS CLOSING.
YEAH, I'M--I'M...COMING.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
JEWISH BROTHER DANIEL. YOU PARTY WITH US NOW.
I CAN'T. I'M MARRIED.
WHO PAYS TO COOK THEIR OWN FOOD
AND EAT WITH STRANGERS?
TRY THE SAKI.
HOT WINE? I TELL YOU,
THE JAPANESE COULD SELL ANYTHING.
GOD, COULD YOU BE MORE OFFENSIVE?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU EAT JAPANESE?
SINCE I'M TRYING NEW THINGS. OK?
I LIKE IT HERE.
IT'S CUTE, POP. COME ON, LOOK AT THE LAMPS.
THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE SCULPTURES.
THEY'RE MADE OUT OF PAPER. THEY COST NOTHING.
I'LL BET THEY INVENTED BOTTLED WATER TOO.
GOD...PLEASE TRY TO BE MORE OPEN.
PLEASE TRY THE SAKI.
NOBODY LOVED WINE MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER. NOTHING FANCY OR HEATED.
SHE'D BE HAPPY YOUR BROTHER GAVE YOU A RAISE.
HEY, MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL WORK MY WAY UP TO BEING DAN'S PARTNER.
I'D RATHER SEE YOU WITH A HUSBAND AND KIDS.
YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET MARRIED, POP.
NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO STOP EVERYTHING AND HAVE KIDS.
HERE WE GO. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.
I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND DRINK OVERPRICE, HEATED WINE.
SORRY.
WHAT THEY HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
[WHISPERS] TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND.
JUST STOP. GOD, WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO HARD?
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO YELL AT YOU TO EAT?
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRY THIS. IT'S DELICIOUS.
HAPPY NOW?
DANCING ON THE CEILING.
-TASTES GOOD. -GOOD.
BUT I WOULDN'T MIND A SANDWICH.
YOU SURE IT'S SAFE?
YEAH, IT'S JUST THE CITY, POP.
WHO'S THAT? THE MAYOR?
LOOK. OK. YOU CAN'T SHOW ANY FEAR DOWN HERE. RIGHT?
YOU JUST HAVE TO ASSUME BADASS ATTITUDE.
LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T SEE THE URINE RUNNING DOWN MY LEG.
ALL RIGHT. WE'RE ALMOST HOME.
HOME HAS A KITCHEN THAT'S NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU CAN SURVIVE FOUR MORE DAYS.
I CAN'T SURVIVE FOR FOUR MORE SECONDS.
MOVE! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WALKING DOWN HERE, DO YOU HEAR ME?
YES, ADMITTEDLY, IT IS A LITTLE BIT SCARY.
BUT, HEY, MAYBE A LITTLE SCARY IS GOOD FOR US, RIGHT?
["VOCAL CHORDS" BY DALE EARNHARDT JR. PLAYS]
DEBORAH.
OH, GOD.
YOU KNOW, NOBODY CALLS ME THAT.
YOU CALLING ME NOBODY?
BETTER THAN COOKIE.
SORRY. SOMETIMES I JUST...
HAVE NO FILTER.
YOU'RE JUST BEING HONEST.
WHAT ARE YOU EMBARRASSED TO BE READING?
NOTHING.
PROVE IT.
ALL RIGHT. YES, IT'S TRUE. I'M A CLOSET ROMANTIC.
AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE, I'M--YEAH, NOPE, YEAH--
GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
SO, NEW LOOK.
YEAH. I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, TRYING IT OUT.
SEEING HOW IT FEELS.
[SIGHS]
-LATE TO WORK? -YEAH.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
THEN DON'T.
["I DON'T WANT TO WAIT" BY ROSI GOLAN PLAYS]
WHAT'S AMAZING IS THIS ONLY HAS 150 CALORIES.
HMM. SATISFY JAY'S SWEET TOOTH.
SHE SEEMS FRIENDLY.
I KNOW HER.
SHOCKING.
IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE, I PRESUME.
WHAT IS WITH YOU AND THIS, LIKE, REVOLVING DOOR OF HOTTIES?
YOU EVER HAD SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND?
ONCE. IT'S NOT FOR ME.
HEARTBREAK?
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
COME ON.
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, VERY, VERY GOOD.
OK.
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY GOOD FOR YOU TODAY ONLY. HUH?
FOR YOUR HUSBAND.
-BIG CUCHARA. -OH.
IF I HAD A HUSBAND, HE WOULD DEFINITELY WANT A BIG CUCHARA.
BUT I DON'T. SO...
-AHH. -NO HUSBAND.
-SORRY. -THAT'S OK.
I COULD BUY SOMETHING FOR MY DAD.
VERY GOOD. TODAY ONLY.
A DOZEN OF RED SOCKS FOR 1.99.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL. BUT HE DOESN'T WEAR RED.
HE ONLY WEARS BLACK. HE'S A WIDOWER.
AH, LIFE IS HARD AND SHORT LIKE ME.
BUT TODAY ONLY, SENORITA, 5.99.
-BEAUTIFUL, HUH? -OH, YEAH.
BUY TWO GET ONE FREE. AND I THROW IN THE SOCKS.
OK. DEAL. SOLD.
ALL RIGHT! WHOO! VERY GOOD.
OK. HEY, COOKIE.
DON'T SAY I NEVER GOT YOU ANYTHING.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE COLOR. IT'S MY NEW FAVORITE.
OK. AHEM.
HERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.
WE SHOULD GO. I GOT TO GET TO WORK.
-GRACIAS. ADIOS. -ADIOS, HANDSOME.
[SPEAKS SPANISH] BIG CUCHARA ONLY 5.99!
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
SO YOU'RE INTO OLDER MEN?
WHAT?
SHABU-SHABU LAST NIGHT.
[SNORTS] IT WAS MY DAD.
YOU'RE CLOSE TO YOUR FOLKS?
NOT REALLY. I MEAN, IT'S JUST MY DAD NOW ANYWAY.
'CAUSE MY MOM DAD LAST YEAR.
OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU CLOSE TO YOUR FOLKS?
YEAH. VERY COOL PEOPLE.
THEY REALLY GET ME.
WOW. BOTH OF THEM, HUH?
-YEAH. -LUCKY.
IT'S WONDERFUL. MY MOM WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER GOT ME.
I MEAN, NOT THAT SHE THOUGHT I WAS PERFECT.
SHE WAS ALWAYS ON ME ABOUT EVERYTHING--MY HAIR, MY WEIGHT.
SHE'D BE LIKE, "YOU'LL NEVER GET A MAN, DEBORAH.
GET MARRIED, THEN YOU CAN GET FAT."
I USED TO HATE IT WHEN SHE WOULD NUDGE ME.
BUT NOW IT'S LIKE...
I EVEN MISS THAT.
I MISS EVERYTHING.
OH.
SORRY. SORRY.
DEBORAH, STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING YOU.
I DO THAT.
YOU SAY "I'M SORRY" LIKE EVERY FIVE MINUTES.
OH...SORRY.
HEH. SEE.
YEAH.
-GOT IT. [PHONE RINGS]
OH.
HI, DANIEL. I'M SORRY. OH, SORRY.
I'M GOING CRAZY. I NEED TO SEE YOU NOW.
ARE YOU OK? DO YOU WANT TO COME TO THE LOFT?
NO, NO, NO. POP CAN'T KNOW.
OK. MEET ME AT PERSHING SQUARE BY THE FOUNTAIN.
THANKS, DEB.
[PHONE RINGS]
DANIEL, WHERE ARE YOU?
JAY: I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.
-JAY. -THEY SAID "KABUL" SO I JUMPED.
I MEAN, EVEN KATIE COURIC WAS EMBEDDED WITH THE TROOPS HERE. BUT NOT ME.
-OK. YOU JUST NEED TO-- -LISTEN--
I AM COVERING A WIDOWS-ONLY WEAVING BUSINESS
THAT ROSE FROM THE RUBBLE.
THEY'RE TEACHING ME HOW TO MAKE SCARVES.
I THINK THAT SOUNDS COOL.
I HANG OUT IN JUNGLES. I INTERVIEW DRUG CZARS.
I WATERBOARD MYSELF. I DON'T WEAVE.
JAY, OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE THE BEST REPORTER THAT THEY HAVE.
SO YOU GET IN THERE. AND YOU WEAVE WITH THOSE WIDOWS
AND SHOW US HOW THEY'RE NOT ONLY SURVIVING
BUT THEY'RE THRIVING IN THAT WORLD.
DEB, WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?
YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.
I OWE YOU ANOTHER DINNER.
SATURDAY NIGHT. YOU AND ME. AND, OH, ARE WE GONNA PARTY.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
I DON'T HAVE ONE. WHY?
NO REASON.
I MEAN, IT'S A SURPRISE.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY.
BYE.
[CLOSES PHONE]
-CHANGE! -OH!
-GOD! -CHANGE!
ASK NICELY. YOU'RE SCARING PEOPLE.
CHANGE?
-HEY. -HEY.
-WHAT'S GOING ON? -I PARTIED LAST NIGHT.
WELL, GOOD. YOU KNOW, YOU AND LEEANN COULD USE A LITTLE FUN.
ME AND VRONKA AND CHELSEA.
OH...GOD, DANIEL! HOW COULD YOU?
DOES LEEANN KNOW?
NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT. I TOLD HER THAT YOU HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.
SO I TOOK YOU OUT DRINKING ALL NIGHT.
THAT'S AWESOME. WHAT'S MY BIG PROBLEM?
YOU'RE A SEX ADDICT?
I'M A SEX ADDICT?!
DON'T WORRY. BECAUSE I TOLD LEEANN
THAT I CONVINCED YOU TO GO TO THE 12-STEP MEETINGS.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL OF YOU!
NOW, LEEANN'S GOING TO CALL YOU. OK? SO I NEED YOU BACK ME.
-NO WAY. NO WAY. -DEB.
YOU CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, DANIEL. I MEAN IT.
DEB, PLEASE, I SWEAR I'VE NEVER CHEATED BEFORE.
AND I WILL NEVER, EVER CHEAT AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THIS.
OK. OK. OK. OK.
LAKERS ARE AT STAPLES. KOBE. YOUR KOBE. TAKE POP.
-STOP BRIBING ME. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? [PHONE RINGS]
IT'S LEEANN.
I CAN'T BREATHE.
HEY, LEEANN.
YEAH. NO, NO, NO. HE--WE-- YES, HE WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HE TOLD YOU I HAVE A SECRET LIFE AS A FLUFFER IN CHATSWORTH?
WHAT DID YOU GET? WHAT DID YOU BUY?
POP: KOBE BRYANT SHOOTS AND SCORES.
AND THE LAKERS WIN IN OVERTIME.
BOY, DID YOU MISS A GREAT GAME.
AND FOR WHAT? TO PAINT A WALL?
WE'RE NOT PEOPLE WHO PAINT WALLS.
WE HIRE PAINTERS TO PAINT WALLS.
IT'S FUN, POP. YOU WANT TO GRAB A BRUSH, JUMP IN?
WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER, WHICH IS POSSIBLE NOW WITH GLOBAL WARMING.
YOU KNOW, JAY DID A GREAT VLOG ON THAT.
WHICH ONE OF THESE DO YOU THINK MATCHES HIS EYES?
I CALLED DANIEL TO THANK HIM FOR THE LAKER TICKET.
BUT HE HASN'T CALLED ME BACK?
HE'S SWAMPED RIGHT NOW.
HE WORKS TOO HARD.
OH!
LOOK, POP. I GOT YOU A PRESENT TODAY. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO I LOOK LIKE TOMMY BAHAMA?
GET ME A PAIR OF MARACAS.
I'LL JOIN THE BEACH BOYS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
IT'S THE KEY TO MY HEART, BABE.
-IT'S FOR PUTTING UP WITH POP. -IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BABE.
THE DURA ROSE GOLD PARISIAN IS OUT OF REACH NOW. BUT WE'LL GET THERE.
[SIGHS] LET'S SEE.
I THINK IF WE HAVE A BOY WE SHOULD NAME HIM DAVID.
DAVID DORFMAN. OR BONO.
BONO DORFMAN. DAVID BONO DORFMAN.
-LET'S-- -LET'S GO TO VEGAS.
-VEGAS? -THERE'S NO WORK ON FRIDAY.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO VEGAS. WE'RE BOOKED ALL WEEKEND.
-WE'VE GOT PLANS. -I'M SICK OF PLANS.
WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SOME FUN FOR A CHANGE?
FUN?
YOU SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE HAVING FUN FIVE MINUTES AGO.
BUT THEN YOU HAD TO SPOIL IT WITH ALL THE BABY TALK.
IT'S BONO BY THE WAY. AND THERE ARE NO JEWISH BONOS, LEEANN.
WELL, THERE'S NO JEWISH PIRATES EITHER, CAPTAIN JACK.
JUST ADMIT IT. YOU DON'T WANT THIS BABY.
MAYBE I DON'T.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
IT'S OPEN.
OH, MY HERO.
[DRILL RUNS]
-I'M READY TO HANG ART. -I SEE THAT.
YOU HAVE A GOOD EYE.
YOU THINK I HAVE A GOOD EYE?
WELL, THE OTHER ONE SUCKS. BUT...
HEH HEH.
COOL. YOU'RE PAINTING A WALL.
I'VE CREATED A MONSTER.
WELL, I THOUGHT I WOULD PAINT IT JAY'S FAVORITE COLOR.
BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. SO I AM PAINTING IT TO MATCH HIS EYES.
THOUGHTFUL.
THAT'S THE KIND OF GIRL I AM.
SO ARE YOU FREE TO HELP ME MOVE SOME FURNITURE,
OR DO YOU HAVE A DATE? YOU PROBABLY HAVE A DATE.
BUT WHO WOULD YOU DATE? BECAUSE YOU'VE DATED EVERYBODY.
SHUT UP AND POINT.
[DRILL RUNS]
LET'S GO. DON'T DRILL THE FURNITURE.
LET'S JUST MOVE IT.
OH, I'LL SEE.
["LET'S SPEND SOME TIME" PLAYS]
CAN I HELP YOU? NO, I'M FINE.
I PROMISED MY DAUGHTER I'D CHECK OUT THE GARDEN.
WHAT ARE YOU GROWING? AIR CONDITIONING UNITS?
NOT A FAN OF URBAN WHIMSY, HUH?
NOT A FAN OF URBAN ANYTHING.
MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME.
THERE ARE A FEW THINGS THAT I HAVE TO GET.
MY DAUGHTER AND HER VERKAKTE LISTS.
SUDDENLY SHE'S A REGULAR MARTHA STEWART WITHOUT A PRISON RECORD.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO PICK UP SOME ART SUPPLIES.
GIVE ME A MINUTE. WE'LL TAKE MY TRUCK.
EITHER YOU'RE A FAGELA WHO WANTS MY BODY OR A MENSCH.
TRANSLATION?
GAY OR A GOOD PERSON.
COULDN'T I BE BOTH?
-MORNING. -HEY.
WHOA.
EITHER I'M HALLUCINATING OR YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION.
OH, MY GOD. YOU HAD A MAKEOVER
AND ARE NOW GOING TO BE PRETTIER THAN ME AT MY WEDDING.
NO. OK.
QUICK QUESTION. THIS IS MY FRIEND TAWNY'S DRESS.
AND IF I WEAR IT, I COULD SAVE BIG BUCKS.
BUT TAWNY DUMPED HER HUSBAND FOR HER KICKBOXING INSTRUCTOR.
SO IS IT BAD LUCK IF I WEAR THE DIVORCED DUMPER'S WEDDING DRESS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT DO I DO?
ELOPE. DAN IN?
YEAH. HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU.
LEEANN'S BEEN CALLING, LIKE, 10 TIMES AND HE WON'T SPEAK TO HER.
[DOOR OPENS]
TELL ME YOU'RE GOING ON A WORK TRIP.
BROKE UP WITH LEEANN THIS MORNING.
BUT I'M DOING GREAT.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. OK. THIS ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK UP WITH YOUR WIFE.
LOOK, I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
SHE CAN HAVE WHATEVER SHE WANTS.
OH, GOD. DAN, YOU ARE SO GOING TO REGRET THIS.
I'M FINE. SEE?
[PHONE RINGS]
YEAH, IT'S LEEANN.
DON'T TELL HER WHERE I AM. OK? OR WHERE I'M GOING.
AH.
IT'S HAPPENING. THE PANICS.
OH, GOD.
HELLO?
HEY, LEEANN.
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
YEAH, I WILL. OK.
BYE.
THANK YOU.
WHERE WERE YOU EVEN PLANNING ON GOING?
OH, NO.
OH...
THANK YOU FOR THIS. IF I DON'T WORK EVERY DAY, I GO A LITTLE CRAZY.
YOU LIKE YOUR WORK. THAT'S NICE.
YOU LIKE YOUR WORK?
WORK'S WORK. I WAS AN INSURANCE AGENT.
I HAVE A NATURAL GIFT FOR PREDICTING DOOM.
COULD YOU SHIFT THE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR BODY TO THE LEFT?
OY!
I KNOW THIS ISN'T COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.
I HAVE A BUM BACK.
WELL, THEN FORGET POSING.
YOU WANT TO TRY PAINTING?
-ME, OH, NO. NO. -WHY NOT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? STILL LIFE? SELF PORTRAIT? I'LL GET YOU--
NO, NO, NO, NO. MY WIFE. SHE WAS THE CREATIVE ONE.
THAT WOMAN COULD DO ANYTHING WITH A GLUE GUN.
THEN DO IT FOR HER.
[DOOR BUZZES]
I'LL GET THE DOOR FOR YOU, YOUR MAJESTY.
OH, COME ON.
AH, GOOD EVENING, D-TOWN DEB.
HI, LIL G. THIS IS MY BROTHER DANIEL.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S GOING TO BE STAYING HERE.
AH, SWEET! NICE TO MEET YOU, BROTHER DAN WITH A TAN.
NO, NO. NO NICKNAME FOR HIM.
-HE DOES NOT DESERVE ONE. -HMM.
[PHONE BEEPS] -OH, GREAT.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHO THAT WOULD BE TEXTING ME FOR THE 65TH TIME.
LEEANN.
IT'S DAD.
HE KNOWS HOW TO TEXT?
NO. AND HE'S NOT UPSTAIRS. OK, WE SHOULD GO.
WAIT A MINUTE. I CAN'T TELL POP THAT I LEFT LEEANN.
UH, NO. YOU ARE TELLING HIM. YOU'RE TELLING HIM YOU CHEATED. NO MORE LIES, DAN.
THAT'S THE DEAL. OR YOU DON'T GET TO STAY HERE.
-BYE, LIL G. -WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I PROMISE THAT I WILL TELL HIM IN TIME. BUT NOT NOW.
COME ON.
-WHOA. -WHOA.
I JUST WANT TO FIND POP.
DAN: BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
-OK. CONTROL YOURSELF. -WHAT IS HE DOING?
I THINK I SEE HIM. YEAH, THERE HE IS. THERE'S POP.
I CAN'T EVEN GET HIM TO STARBUCKS.
BUT HE'LL COME TO THIS PLACE.
SON, OH, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
DANIEL, DEB, MEET MY FRIEND COOKIE.
-HI. -HEY, HOW ARE YOU, MAN?
YEAH, WE'VE MET. BUT WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET?
IN THE WONDERFUL WHIMSICAL GARDEN AT THE LOFT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS BUILDING
WAS L.A.'S FIRST PRIVATELY OWNED POWER PLANT?
RESTORE. REFIT. REUSE.
RIGHT, COOKIE?
RIGHT.
MY PLEASURE.
WHERE'S LEEANN?
UM, SAN DIEGO.
HER MOM JUST HAD TOP SECRET BUTT REDUCTION SURGERY.
SO NOT A WORD TO LEEANN.
I THOUGHT I'D STAY WITH YOU GUYS.
GREAT. TRY THIS. IT'S A POMEGRANATE MARTINI.
GOOD FOR THE PROSTATE.
REALLY? IS THAT REALLY ALL YOU WANT?
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT EVERYTHING.
I WANT LOVE.
AND I'M FINALLY FIGHTING FOR IT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN CRAZY ABOUT JAY FOR, LIKE, 10 YEARS.
AND IT'S JUST NOW THAT I'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
'CAUSE I'VE LEARNED YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU FIGHT, I'LL PAINT.
I'M JUST SAYING THAT I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE UP SO EASILY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST...
SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF YOUR ROMANCE NOVELS TO ME.
MAYBE. BUT...
I THINK YOU'RE JUST AFRAID OF BEING HURT AGAIN.
GOT TO SUCK IT UP, COOKIE.
OH, YEAH? HEH.
YEAH.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE LADIES' ROOM.
YEAH, I GOT TO GO, UM, SOMEWHERE.
I GOT TO PEE TOO.
NO, NO, NO. POP, I WANT TO PEE BY MYSELF.
WELL, FINE. WE'LL TAKE SEPARATE PEES.
[SIGHS]
WHAT?
SO YOU AND COOKIE?
-POP, PLEASE. -NO, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.
YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS WANTED A JEWISH DOCTOR OR A LAWYER FOR YOU.
I'M JUST RELIEVED IT'S SOMEONE WITH A PENIS.
LOOK, I DON'T LIKE COOKIE. OK? I LIKE SOMEONE ELSE.
WHO?
WHO HAVE I HAD A CRUSH ON, LIKE, MY ENTIRE LIFE?
KOBE BRYANT. HE'S ALREADY MARRIED.
HE'S TOO TALL FOR YOU. LISTEN TO ME. I'M YOUR FATHER.
YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND FACE REALITY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MARRY KOBE BRYANT.
STOP WITH THE KOBE BRYANT. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH KOBE BRYANT, OK?
-I'M, LIKE, IN LOVE WITH JAY. -JAY?
YEAH, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SPENDING SO MUCH TIME FIXING UP HIS LOFT?
I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH.
YOUR MOTHER USED TO REAPPLIQUE EVERY 30 DAYS.
OK. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
ALL RIGHT? LET'S JUST TRY TO HAVE A FUN NIGHT.
-OK. YOU HAVE FUN. I'LL GO PEE. -OK.
[SNORING]
OK.
UNH.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS BLUE WORKS.
WAKE UP, SON.
YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING AROUND ALL WEEK LIKE A MASHUGANA.
-EAT. -OH, BUT I HAVE NO APPETITE.
HAPPY NOW?
SINGING IN THE RAIN.
-AH, WHAT'S UP? -GOT MOLLY'S SHOWER TODAY.
OH, YEAH. DAMN, LEEANN WILL BE THERE.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS IN SAN DIEGO HELPING HER MOTHER WITH HER NEW TOOKUS?
-UH... [PHONE RINGS]
WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU?
-UH... -SOLICITOR.
-FOR WHAT? -FOR, UH...
JEWS FOR JESUS.
DON'T PICK UP.
OH, MY GOD! MY MAID OF HONOR!
-IS LEEANN HERE? -YES, SOMEWHERE. FOCUS ON ME.
OK. SO YOU HAVE TO MEET MY BRIDES MAIDS, WHO ARE, LIKE, MY BEST FRIENDS.
EXCEPT FOR NATALIE WHO IS LIKE A TOTAL BITCH.
OH, UM, HEY, CARLIE, NATALIE. THIS IS DEB.
-HEY, HOW ARE YOU? -HI.
OH, GOD.
THERE'S MY FUTURE MONSTER IN LAW. SHE'S SUCH A PIG. MOM, HI.
DEB.
HEY.
SO, ANY UPDATE ON MY SOON-TO-BE EX-HUSBAND?
NO, I'M SORRY, LEEANN. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM.
-LET'S GO DO SOMETHING. -RELAX.
RELAX.
I WANT TO GO FOR A WALK.
LATER. SIT.
ENJOY THE VIEW.
I CAN'T.
I'M MARRIED.
LOOK UP.
HEY, POP, YOU NEVER--
LOOKED AT THE PRETTY GIRLS? ALL THE TIME BEFORE YOUR MOTHER.
HOW COULD YOU NOT LOOK OR IMAGINE?
-WE'RE MEN, RIGHT? -RIGHT.
BUT WE'RE ALSO GOOD MEN.
WE MAY LOOK, BUT WE MUST NOT TOUCH.
-POP, I, UH... -YEAH?
AH, I'M GONNA GO FOR A WALK.
CAREFUL OUT THERE.
OH, MY GOD! YOU GOT ME THE PICKLE FORKS.
AND NOT MONOGRAMMED.
WELL DONE.
SO IS DRESSING WEIRD PART OF SEX ADDICT THERAPY?
NO, I'M JUST INTO WEIRD NOW.
SO, LIKE, HOW MANY GUYS QUALIFIES YOU TO BE A SEX ADDICT?
COULD WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS, LIKE, EVER AGAIN, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
THIS PLACE IS PRETTY AWESOME, HUH?
MAYBE I'LL MOVE TO THIS SIDE OF THE HILL AFTER THE DIVORCE.
LEEANN, PLEASE DON'T GO THERE.
WHY NOT? HE'S THERE.
WHERE IS HE, DEB?
WHERE IS HE? I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S OK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WHAT DO I DO?
IT'S OK.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. GO SAY GOODBYE TO MOLLY.
WE'RE GOING TO FIND HIM. OK?
-OK. -I PROMISE.
THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
[RINGING]
OH, DANIEL, COME ON. WHERE ARE YOU?
[PHONE RINGING]
DAN: MAY I ANSWER MY PHONE, MASTER?
[WHIP CRACKS] VRONKA: NO SPEAK.
DOGS ONLY BARK.
[DANIEL BARKS]
[DOOR OPENS]
DEB: POP, I'M BACK.
WE HAVE COMPANY.
LEEANN, HOW WAS SAN DIEGO?
UH-OH. I BLEW THE SECRET.
WELL, PERSONALLY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER HAD A PERFECTLY FIND TUSH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SO, UM, WHERE IS DANIEL?
LONG WALK. WHAT TIME'S COOKIE'S OPENING TONIGHT?
WE SHOULD GO MAYBE AROUND 8:00.
I'VE GOT A FEW MORE THINGS TO FINISH UP HERE.
SO YOU HANG WITH ELMER AND POP, AND I'LL FIND DAN. OK?
[DOOR CLOSES]
YOU HAVE A FRIEND.
WE SURE DIDN'T START OUT THAT WAY.
RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE.
-SWEETHEART, WHAT'S WRONG? -NOTHING. NOTHING.
-WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? -IT'S JUST BACK THERE.
[DAN BARKS]
OH, GOOD LORD.
UH...
IS DANIEL HERE?
HE CAN'T COME TO THE DOOR.
HE BAD DOG.
OH, GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DANIEL, GET YOUR BUTT BACK TO THE LOFT.
I'M NOT...EW.
EW! GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOD, LEEANN IS IN JAY'S LOFT RIGHT NOW.
-WHAT? -YEAH.
JESUS, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HOW COULD I DO THIS TO YOU?
STOP IT! STOP IT! OK! I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!
I SUCK! OK. BUT YOU CANNOT TELL LEEANN ABOUT THIS.
GOD, DAN. I AM DONE.
I AM DONE. I AM SO DONE DEALING WITH YOUR CRAP.
PLEASE, I BEG YOU!
OK. YOU KNOW I LOVE LEEANN.
IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE, DAN. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU CAN BE MARRIED OR YOU CAN BE SINGLE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.
OK. OK. OK. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?
HUH? ANOTHER RAISE?
NO!
PARTNERSHIP?
RIGHT? EQUAL PARTNERS AT THE AGENCY.
DORFMAN AND DORFMAN.
SO I DON'T TELL LEEANN THAT YOU CHEATED ON HER
AND YOU'LL MAKE ME YOUR EQUAL PARTNER?
WITH AN EQUAL SIZE OFFICE. WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH? PARTNERS?
I SAY I QUIT.
YOU QUIT?
OH, YEAH. I QUIT. I QUIT.
DAN, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR PARTNER.
GOD, IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO BE YOUR SISTER.
BUT I NEED YOU. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
-DEB, YOU'RE MY ROCK! -YOU'RE MY CHAIN, DAN!
TAKE A SHOWER. TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
UNH!
[TEA KETTLE WHISTLES]
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS?
MY AUNTIE USED TO MAKE HERSELF A CUP OF TEA WHEN SHE WAS UPSET.
NOW YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN
LIFE'S BLISSFUL BLEND, ENERGY CHARCO CHAI.
WHAT THE HELL IS YERBA MATE?
IN MY DAY WE HAD ONE TEA-- LIPTON'S.
BUT NOW YOU GOT TO CHOOSE BETWEEN OOLONG OOSHORT OOSHIT.
NO WONDER YOU PEOPLE ALL NEED THERAPY.
DAN WON'T GO TO THERAPY WITH ME.
-HUH? [DOOR OPENS]
DAN?
HEY. SO HE'S ON THE ROOF.
WHAT? IS HE GOING TO JUMP?
NO. NO. OH, GOD, NO. HE'S GOING TO TALK.
JUST TAKE THE STAIRS BY THE ELEVATOR.
OK.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR SON ABOUT THAT.
DAN.
HEY.
FORGIVE ME. I--I FREAKED AND I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
DANIEL DOESN'T NEED THERAPY. WHY SHOULD HE GO TO THERAPY?
'CAUSE HE'S PERFECT. THAT'S WHY HE'S--
[SIGHS] NEVER MIND. YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
AND YOU WOULDN'T KNOW. THEY'RE MARRIED!
HOW BAD IS IT?
IT'S REALLY BAD. IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO TELL YOU THOUGH.
WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME?
-I QUIT THE AGENCY. -WHAT?
YOU CAN'T QUIT! DANIEL WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I DON'T NEED ANYONE TAKING CARE OF ME.
I SWEAR, BABE. NOTHING HAPPENED.
I'VE JUST BEEN HERE HATING MYSELF FOR CAUSING YOU SUCH WORRY.
ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?
WHY WOULD I HAVE AN AFFAIR?
[SIGHS]
I WANT A BABY.
I'M GOING UP TO THE ROOF.
NO, POP. DON'T RESCUE DANIEL. HE NEEDS TO FACE LEEANN
AND YOU.
WHAT DID HE DO? WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE?
HE'S A GOOD MAN, A GREAT SON, A HUSBAND, AND BROTHER.
AND YOU'RE NOT QUITTING THAT JOB. YOU NEED HIM.
NO. HE NEEDS ME, POP.
AND YOU NEED ME. AND IT'S FREAKING KILLING ME.
ARE YOU CRAZY? WE LOVE YOU.
I KNOW.
I KNOW. AND I'M SORRY.
I KNOW YOU WORRY ABOUT MY SAFETY AND MY FUTURE.
YOU FEAR FOR ME, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS TO YOU, I'M STILL THAT FAT, UNPOPULAR LITTLE GIRL.
AND DANIEL WILL FOREVER BE YOUR BRIGHT, SHINING STAR.
[DOOR OPENS]
EVERYTHING'S OK.
-LET ME GO FRESHEN UP. -OK.
DANIEL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU TOLD POP I CHEATED ON LEEANN?
-YOU CHEATED ON LEEANN? -OK.
OK, POP. I PROMISE I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UP TO LEEANN.
OK BELIEVE ME. I AM GOING TO PAY.
I'M GOING TO PAY FOR HURTING HER.
-YOU LIED? -I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
LOOK. I'LL MAKE IT UP TO BOTH OF YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? DO YOU WANT SOMETHING NEW FOR YOUR CONDO?
[SIGHS] OH, GOD. STOP, DANIEL.
SO I'LL MEET YOU BACK IN BEVERLY HILLS?
-YEAH. -BYE.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, GUYS.
SUNDAY DINNER AT OUR HOUSE?
OH. AND, DEB. BRING MY STUFF WITH YOU. THANKS.
[DOOR OPENS CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
ELMER...
I DON'T LIKE THAT WALL.
-WANT A DRINK? -NO.
FINE. I'LL DRINK FOR BOTH OF US.
-THAT'S FINE. -IT'S FINE.
TOTALLY DERIVATIVE. [SCOFFS] TOTALLY.
YOU'RE SO TOTALLY ORIGINAL.
THIS WORK IS BRILLIANT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ME--I...
WELL, I THINK THAT THIS IS THE MOST TOTALLY NOT DERIVATIVE WORK
I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
-REALLY? -YEAH.
[SCOFFS] YEAH. I OWN SEVERAL OF HIS EARLIER PIECES.
YOU SHOULD REALLY INVEST IN HIM.
-SERIOUSLY. -DEBORAH, YOU MADE IT.
OH, AND THIS IS THE BRILLIANT ARTIST NOW.
HI. I'M WINSTON COOK.
WINSTON?
AND THIS IS THE BRILLIANT DEBORAH DORFMAN.
NICE MEETING YOU BOTH.
I'M WINSTON COOK, SR.
HEH. AND THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL BRILLIANT WIFE NAROO.
OH, HA. GREAT. NOW YOUR DAD THINKS I'M A TOTAL LIAR.
NO, DEBORAH. A LOYAL FRIEND.
[SPEAKING ARABIC] IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
COOKIE, IS THIS THE ONE YOU TOLD US SO MUCH ABOUT?
WE HOPE YOU'LL JOIN US FOR DINNER NEXT DOOR.
OH, UM...
YEAH, THERE'S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE COMING.
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU IN A BIT, GUYS.
IT WAS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, DEBORAH.
OH, AND YOU.
HEY.
SO WHAT'S NEW SINCE THE EDISON?
OH, GOD.
EVERYTHING. UM, I QUIT MY JOB.
WOW.
I MEAN, DO YOU LOVE ACCOUNTING?
NO ONE LOVES ACCOUNTING.
WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
THEN THIS WILL REALLY BE FUN.
OK. UM...
-SO... -WHAT?
I'M JUST GOING TO SUCK IT UP AND GO FOR IT. AHEM.
I THINK I...
I...
COME TO DINNER IF YOU CAN, DEBORAH.
DORFMAN?
[GASP]
-HEY! -JAY!
-SURPRISE! -YEAH!
-HI! -HEY.
-CAUGHT AN EARLIER FLIGHT. -GREAT.
WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
OH, IT'S THE SAME OLD ME.
GOD, I MISSED YOU.
-YOU DID? -YEAH.
WOW. AND SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK SO SEXY.
HEH.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE YOUR LOFT.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
GREAT.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
UH...
OH...I...
UH...
LET ME GET BACK TO YOU.
I'M GONNA BE-- I'M GONNA BE RIGHT BACK.
VODKA. MAKE IT A DOUBLE.
OH, CHARDONNAY, PINOT NOIR, CABERNET.
ALWAYS WITH THE CHOICES.
JUST POUR ME WHATEVER HAS THE HIGHEST ALCOHOLIC CONTENT.
SOMETHING FOR YOUR WIFE?
NO. I'M A WIDOWER. YOU HAVE KIDS?
YEP. SEE HOW YOU LIKE THAT.
AH. HIT ME AGAIN.
KID TROUBLE, HUH? THEY SHOULD COME WITH INSTRUCTION MANUALS.
-I'M ROSE, BY THE WAY. -ROSE.
I LIKE OLD FASHIONED NAMES.
YEAH? I LIKE OLD FASHIONED MEN.
UH...
OH...UM...
I HAVE TO GET SOME AIR.
OK.
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING.
FORGET YOU'RE MAD AT ME. TALK.
ALL RIGHT.
JAY CAME HOME EARLY, AND HE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME.
GREAT. I COULD DRIVE TO THE LOFT, PACK UP, GO HOME,
AND YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH JAY.
COOKIE INVITED ME TO GO TO DINNER WITH HIM AND HIS PARENTS.
WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN CRAZY ABOUT JAY FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, YOU KNOW.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME
AND THEN I'VE BEEN SPENDING ALL THIS TIME WITH COOKIE.
AND I HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T CHOOSE.
-DO YOU WANT TO JUST GO-- -YES, YOU CAN.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, DEBORAH.
PICK THE ONE WHO SEES WHAT I COULDN'T.
I SOLD YOU SHORT. I SPOILED YOUR BROTHER,
WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY HE IS THE WAY HE IS.
BUT YOU,
MY DARLING DAUGHTER,
ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL PERSON I KNOW.
BUT DIDN'T KNOW.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
OF COURSE I CAN.
AND YOU'LL START LIVING FOR YOU KNOW.
YEAH.
GOOD.
NOW GET IN THERE AND CHOOSE.
OK.
AND YOU'LL START LIVING NOW TOO?
WITH THIS SHIRT, I HAVE A CHOICE?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU REALLY THINK?
I KNOW.
I LOVE YOU.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
COULD WE GET THE MENUS?
AND THERE'S ONLY THREE OF US THIS EVENING. THANKS.
OK. I'LL USE THE CHOPSTICKS TODAY.
OK.
YOU CAN LOOK NOW.
WHOA.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S AMAZING.
YEA.
THE WIDOWS OF KABUL AND I THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I MADE THAT MYSELF. NOT ALL OF IT.
BUT I DID LEARN HOW TO WEAVE THIS WEEK THANKS TO YOU.
HMM. AND I LEARNED SO MUCH THIS WEEK THANKS TO YOU
AND THE D-TOWN HITLIST THAT YOU LEFT FOR ME.
THE WHAT?
THE COOL MAP OF DOWNTOWN THAT YOU LEFT FOR ME.
OH, YEAH.
SOME NEIGHBOR NAMED COOKIE MADE THAT AND GAVE IT TO ME AS A HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
THERE ARE SO MANY GAYS DOWNTOWN.
OH, NO. HE'S NOT--
I WOULD NOT GIVE YOU SOME CHEESY MAP.
MY GIFT TO YOU WAS THE PRECIOUS MARTENBOROUGH VINYARD PINOT NOIR
FROM MY SEXY MARRIAGE SUIT IN NEW ZEALAND.
OH.
SORRY. AND THANK YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, THE REAL GIFT YOU GAVE ME WAS BEING ABLE TO STAY HERE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M THIS TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON NOW.
I EVEN QUIT MY JOB.
FINALLY GOT SMART, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I GIVE YOU A WEEK BEFORE DANIEL IS GOING TO MAKE YOU PARTNER.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I GOT TO MAKE A CAREER CHANGE TOO. LET ME TELL YOU.
I HAVE PUT IN SO MUCH FACE TIME.
I SHOULD BE AN ANCHOR RIGHT NOW AT LEAST AT FOX.
RADIO SHOW TIE-INS AND SIX-FIGURE SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS.
HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?
[SIGHS] I GOT TO FIRE MY AGENTS AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN NICHING WITH THIS GUERILLA STUFF FOR WAY TOO LONG.
IT'S KILLING ME.
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN NICHING? I MEAN, I THOUGHT THAT--
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE REPORTING.
YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.
NOW TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR WEEKEND.
HELLO?
SORRY. UM...
WELL, ACTUALLY WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
I WAS SORT OF--
OFF. GOOD.
GOOD. I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE.
UH, DO YOU LIKE THE LOFT?
I ASKED YOU THAT EARLIER. DO--WHAT--HOW DO YOU LIKE THE LOFT?
IT'S GREAT.
I LOVE THE MASKS.
WHEN I GOT THEM, I KNEW THEY WOULD BE PERFECT.
I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THE COLOR THOUGH.
RED? I MEAN, REALLY?
WELL, I'M SORRY, I--
WELL...
IT WAS ANOTHER COLOR, BUT UM...
WELL, I'D LIKE--YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULD REPAINT IT FOR YOU. SORRY.
SHH.
YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
AND FORGIVEN.
MMM.
NO.
NO. NO!
YOU'RE FORGIVEN. I'M NOT--
YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO'S SORRY.
I MEAN, HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?
I MEAN, WAS I JUST SO IN MY HEAD, IN MY FANTASYLAND
THAT I DIDN'T SEE WHAT WAS REALLY IN FRONT?
AND THEN YOU GRAB MY-- WHAT THE--I GOT TO GO.
-BYE, ELMER. [MEOW]
I'LL MISS YOU.
[DOOR BUZZES]
CHANGE!
I'M TRYING. I'M--
I'M TRYING.
["WRITTEN ON YOUR HEART" PLAYS]
IT'S BEAUTIFUL, DAN.
I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU, BABE.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING I'M SORRY FOR.
BECAUSE IT'S ALL LED ME HERE TO YOU.