[HBO FANFARE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Announcer: I SAID BROOKLYN,
MAKE SOME NOISE!
WELCOME TO THE STAGE,
ATSUKO OKATSUKA!
YUP, POTS AND PANS
BEFORE WE GET DIRTY, LEMME
WASH MY HANDS
SHE WANNA KNOW, WOULD I EVER
EAT ASS?
MAN, I USED TO EAT SPAM OUT
THE CAN
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
MOS SAENG GYEODO KKAMJJIGHAE
FUCK A COP IN THE VAN
WE GON' EAT WHILE THEY WATCH
LIKE A MUKBANG
>> Atsuko: [PANTING]
WHAT'S UP, BROOKLYN?
HEY, I LOVE YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HEY!
YEAH!
OH, MY GOD, WE MADE IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M ATSUKO.
HELLO.
HI.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU ARE?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M ATSUKO, AND, UH, I GET
SPOOKED EASILY.
I DO.
YEAH.
PEOPLE, I'M SO SHY.
OKAY.
YEAH, NO, I GET SPOOKED EASILY
AND PEOPLE THINK I'M COOL, YOU
KNOW?
THANK YOU.
PEOPLE THINK I'M COOL.
BUT I WILL FALL APART IF A
TEENAGER TALKS TO ME.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, THANK YOU.
THEY'RE TERRIFYING.
THEY'RE THE FUTURE, AND THEY
KNOW IT.
THEY ALSO, LIKE, HEAL FAST.
YEAH, NO, I'M ALWAYS LIKE,
"I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CUT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S SKIN
AGAIN?"
IT'S VERY VILLAINOUS TO HEAL
THAT FAST.
"WHAT ARE YOU, AN X-MEN?
NO, THANK YOU."
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
RECENTLY, I HUNG OUT WITH MY
TEENAGER COUSIN FOR THE VERY
FIRST TIME WITH MY HUSBAND.
AND I WAS ALREADY INTIMIDATED,
BECAUSE SHE'S WAY COOLER THAN I
EVER WAS WHEN I WAS 18.
YEAH.
SHE WEARS COLORED CONTACTS,
FULL PRICE.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE HAS NUMEROUS BOYFRIENDS, AND
THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER.
EXCUSE ME?
[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S SO COOL, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
SO, GOING INTO THE HANGOUT,
I WAS VERY NERVOUS.
I WAS, LIKE, PUFFING UP.
I WAS WALKING IN STIFF.
I WOULD, LIKE, TAKE OUT
CIGARETTES AND DROP THEM, YOU
KNOW?
JUST LOOK LIKE I HAD UNLIMITED
INCOME, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
"I DON'T NEED THESE."
AND THINGS WERE GOING KIND OF
CHILL, YOU KNOW?
WE WERE JUST SMALL-TALKING.
WHEN SUDDENLY MY COUSIN SAYS THE
MOST TERRIFYING THING TO ME,
EVER -- SHE JUST LOOKED ME
STRAIGHT IN THE EYES, AND SHE
WENT, "HEY, YOU SKATE?"
YEAH.
I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME?"
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU SKATE?"
I WAS LIKE, "UH, DO I SKATE?"
OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS, A
BATTLE?
AND I JUST CRUMBLED.
MY NIECE WENT WEAK, AND I FELL.
AND I ALSO WATCHED, TOO, AS MY
HUSBAND ALSO CRUMBLED.
YEAH.
HE WAS LIKE, "UH, DO WE SKATE?"
UH, WELL, ONE TIME WE DID BUY A
SKATEBOARD.
YOU MEAN LIKE TONY HAWK?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "FUCK.
FUCK, FUCK."
BECAUSE TONY HAWK IS, LIKE, SO
2003, YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
SO I WAS LIKE, "I NEED TO STOP
THIS."
I WAS LIKE, "UH... UH... YES.
LIKE, TONY HAWK AND OTHER PEOPLE
WHO CAME AFTER HIM."
[LAUGHTER]
SO, I WAS LIKE, "YES."
I SAVED HIM.
"GO AWAY.
GO AWAY."
AND I PRESENTED MYSELF BACK TO
HER AND I WAS LIKE, "UH, DO WE
SKATE?
UH, YES, WE DO.
UH, WE ARE SKATERS NOW."
[LAUGHTER]
BUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED,
RIGHT?
TWO ADULTS CRUMBLING IN FRONT OF
AN 18-YEAR-OLD.
I JUST STARTED SAYING SHIT.
I WAS LIKE, "I VAPE!"
YOU KNOW, FUCK."
I'M LIKE, "WHAT DO KIDS SAY
THESE DAYS?
UH, 'EUPHORIA.'
UH, TIMOTHEE CHALAMET," YOU
KNOW?
I JUST STARTED SAYING STUFF.
[PANTING]
AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
IT WAS GASLIGHTING.
YEAH.
WHAT SHE DID WAS GASLIGHT.
YEAH, BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU LOOK
AT ME?
OKAY?
HOW CAN YOU -- LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME.
LOOKING LIKE I OWN AN ART
GALLERY.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT ME,
AND MY HUSBAND TOO.
OKAY.
HE LOOKS LIKE STRAIGHT OUT OF A
J.CREW SALES RACK.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT US AND ASK
SUCH A QUESTION?
"YOU SKATE?"
FUCK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
"YOU SKATE?"
THAT IS THE MOST LOADED, MOST
TERRIFYING THING YOU CAN SAY TO
TWO ADULTS WHO ARE ALREADY
TRYING SO HARD.
"YOU SKATE?"
I WANTED TO BE LIKE, "UH, USE
YOUR WORDS."
UH, SKATING, SKATEBOARDING,
ROLLER SKATING?
I DON'T KNOW.
NO, WE DRIVE."
[CHUCKLES]
STUPID.
[PANTING]
AND THEN I FINALLY CALMED DOWN,
AND I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE IT'S ACTUALLY THE PERFECT
THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE, YOU
KNOW?
LIKE, NEXT TIME SOMEONE TROLLS
YOU ONLINE AND WON'T QUIT.
OH, JUST COMMENT BACK.
>> Audience Member: YOU'RE
SCARED?
>> Atsuko: OH, SHIT.
SEE?
THAT WAS SCARY.
YEAH.
AND JUST WATCH AS THEY CRUMBLE
INTO CONFUSION LIKE WE DID.
SCARED OF TEENAGERS.
MY GRANDMA RAISED ME, YOU KNOW,
SO I DIDN'T REALLY HANG OUT WITH
PEOPLE MY AGE GROWING UP.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS LIKE,
"ATSUKO, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
SOMEONE 50 YEARS OLDER THAN ME
TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOCIALIZE,
OKAY?
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
SO, OF COURSE I WAS GONNA HAVE A
WEIRD TIME MAKING FRIENDS, YOU
KNOW?
YEAH.
LIKE, WHENEVER WE WOULD TRY TO
MAKE FRIENDS AS A KID, I WAS
ALWAYS, LIKE, TELLING WAR
STORIES.
[LAUGHTER]
TRYING TO TRADE FOOD RECIPES.
THERE WAS A TWO-GENERATION GAP
BETWEEN ME AND MY GRANDMA.
AND IT SHOWED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN I WANTED TO
START DATING, I WAS LIKE,
"GRANDMA, I WANNA START DATING."
SHE WAS LIKE, "DATING?
[SCOFFS]
I MARRIED THE FIRST BOY THAT
TALKED TO ME."
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY.
WELL, NOW YOU'RE JUST SHOWING
OFF, YOU KNOW."
AND THEN, WITHOUT MISSING A
BEAT, SHE GOES, "AND THEN, HE
DIED."
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY.
YEAH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I HOPE I HAVE A
DIFFERENT STORY."
BECAUSE ME AND MY GRANDMA, WE
SHOULDN'T HAVE THE SAME STORY.
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE THE SAME
STORY.
THAT WOULD BE BAD, RIGHT?
THAT WOULD MEAN NO PROGRESS HAD
BEEN MADE, RIGHT?
IN MEDICINE.
[LAUGHTER]
CHANGE IS GOOD.
MY GRANDMA NEVER TALKED TO ME
ABOUT ANYTHING.
LIKE, I HAD TO -- I HAD TO FIND
OUT HOW SEX WORKS THROUGH
WATCHING "TITANIC."
YEAH.
WHICH THEY BARELY EVEN HAVE SEX
IN.
SO, GROWING UP, I THOUGHT YOU
HAD SEX IN THE CAR, AND THEN YOU
DIED.
YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE MY GRANDPA.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, YEAH.
I'M KIND OF STUNTED AS AN ADULT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT A
VERY STUNTED PERSON, AND WHEN
LIFE THROWS ME THINGS, I'M NOT
REALLY PREPPED FOR IT.
YEAH.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, MY HUSBAND
AND I HAD AN INTRUDER COME TO
OUR HOUSE.
YEAH.
AN INTRUDER CAME TO OUR HOUSE.
AN INTRUDER, TO OUR HOUSE.
YEAH.
BUT TECHNICALLY, WE RENT, YOU
KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
SO OUR LANDLORD HAD AN INTRUDER.
WE WERE JUST THERE TO HAVE TO
DEAL WITH IT, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT
PAYING RENT IS.
YOU PAY SOMEONE ELSE TO LOOK
AFTER THEIR ASSET.
YOU'RE EASILY REPLACEABLE.
AND WE KNOW IT.
YEAH.
'CAUSE IF WE HAD DIED, OH, HE
WOULD STILL RENT THE PLACE BACK
OUT THE VERY NEXT DAY WITH OUR
BODIES STILL IN IT.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW.
YEAH.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.
LANDLORDS DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
NO, NO.
HE WOULD BE LIKE, "HERE ARE THE
KEYS," TO THE NEXT PEOPLE,
RIGHT?
"HERE ARE THE KEYS, THIS PLACE
COMES WITH GHOSTS."
[LAUGHTER]
"YEAH.
WHITE GUY AND AN ASIAN GIRL
GHOST.
A CLASSIC COMBO.
GOOD LUCK."
[LAUGHTER]
SO, ME AND MY HUSBAND TAKE THE
TIME TO ADMIRE THE HOUSE A LOT.
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
TIME WE HAVE THERE.
TRULY, THERE IS A CORNER IN MY
HOUSE THAT I SOMETIMES TAKE THE
TIME TO STAND AT, JUST BECAUSE I
PAY RENT.
YEAH.
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "THIS IS LIKE
$30 RIGHT HERE.
WHY DON'T I EVER STAND HERE?"
[LAUGHTER]
AND YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME THING
TOO.
YOU SHOULD.
EVERY SQUARE FOOT IN YOUR PLACE
YOU PAID FOR, RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST WORKING
IN ONE CORNER OF YOUR HOUSE?
NO, BE PROUD.
WALK AROUND, YOU KNOW?
HE'S LIKE, "HMM, YEAH.
THIS IS ABOUT $2.
THIS IS ABOUT $4."
AND JUST HANG OUT AT $6.
IN FACT, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU TOUCHED YOUR CEILING?
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T LET IT JUST COLLECT DUST.
YOU PAY FOR IT.
AT LEAST FEEL IT.
SO, ME AND MY HUSBAND WERE
HANGING OUT IN OUR ABOUT $30
CORNER ONE DAY, LOOKING AT THE
WINDOW THAT OVERLOOKS OUR
BACKYARD, SAYING STUFF LIKE,
"GOD, HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU
THINK WE HAVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL
PLACE?"
WE WERE SAYING EXACTLY THAT.
WHEN SUDDENLY A MAN WE'VE NEVER
SEEN BEFORE APPEARS IN OUR
BACKYARD.
AND HE'S LOOKING AROUND WITH
INTENTION.
AND I'M THINKING, "WHO IS THIS
GUY?
HOW DID THIS GUY GET HERE?"
BECAUSE WE LIVE AT THE TOP OF A
VERY STEEP HILL.
YEAH.
YOU HAVE TO PASS TWO OTHER HOMES
TO GET TO US.
WE'VE LOST FRIENDS TO THAT HILL.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY DON'T WANNA HANG OUT WITH
US ANYMORE.
THEY'VE STOPPED CALLING.
SO I WAS LIKE, "FUCK, WE HAVE AN
ATHLETE ON OUR HANDS."
[LAUGHTER]
THE TONY HAWK OF INTRUDERS.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE
YOUNGER, SOMEONE MORE RECENT,
OKAY?
THAT'S WHO CAME.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO, I WAS SCARED.
MY HUSBAND RUSHES OUT TO GO
CONFRONT HIM, BECAUSE WE'RE
DIFFERENT.
MY HUSBAND, HE'S THE TYPE OF
GUY -- YOU KNOW, IN A MOVIE
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "NO, DON'T GO
TOWARDS THE SCARY SOUND," AND
THE CHARACTER DOES.
LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU GO TOWARDS
THE THING THAT'S GONNA KILL YOU?
AND THEY DO.
AND THEY DIE.
THAT'S MY HUSBAND.
JUST ALWAYS POTENTIALLY DEAD,
YOU KNOW?
I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON IN THE
MOVIE THAT'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH,
I'LL JUST WAIT IN THE CAR.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH.
IN CASE YOU NEED BACKUP.
MM-HMM.
I'LL BE READY.
YEAH.
MY PHONE'S CHARGED AT 9%."
[CHUCKLES]
"I GOT THE FIGHTING STYLE OF A
BABY, YOU KNOW, STRONG THIGHS,
CLEAR EYES, CAN'T LOSE, YOU
KNOW?"
THAT'S ME.
MY HUSBAND RUSHES OUT.
HE GOES, "HEY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
WHICH IS HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
APPROACH A BEAR, I'M REALIZING.
AND I KNOW THIS FROM THE LOTS
AND LOTS OF READING I DID DURING
THE PANDEMIC.
YEAH, YEAH.
I GET INSPIRED BY OTHER PEOPLE'S
LIFESTYLES A LOT.
AND I GET LOST IN IT.
I GET REALLY LOST IN IT.
YEAH.
LIKE, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT I
WAS GONNA START PLANTING
LETTUCE.
YEAH, NO, YOU TOO?
YEAH, NO, I REALLY WOKE UP ONE
DAY THINKING, "OH, I PLANT
LETTUCE NOW."
[LAUGHTER]
AND MY HUSBAND HAD TO REMIND ME
THAT THAT'S NOT MY PERSONALITY.
[LAUGHTER]
HE STOPPED ME, PHYSICALLY.
HE WAS LIKE, "STOP!
STOP!
THAT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S INTEREST."
[LAUGHTER]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, IT IS.
THIS IS NOT MY INTEREST."
BUT I ALREADY HAD THE LETTUCE
READY TO PLANT, YOU KNOW.
HE SLAPPED IT OUT OF MY HAND.
HE WAS LIKE, "STOP IT.
YOU ARE NOT A FARMER."
I WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
I AM A LOS ANGELES COMEDIAN."
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL THAT HE DID
THAT, RIGHT?
HE SAVED ME A LOT OF TIME.
POSSIBLY YEARS, FROM LIVING OUT
SOMEONE ELSE'S IDENTITY, OR ELSE
I COULD STILL BE OUT THERE
TONIGHT, IS WHAT I'M SAYING,
RIGHT?
LIVING MY NEW LIFE.
JUST LIKE, "LETTUCE, TWO FOR
FIVE.
TWO FOR FIVE.
TWO FOR FIVE."
AWW, YEAH.
THAT COULD BE MY NEW LIFE.
HE SAVED ME.
WE ALL NEEDED SOMEONE TO TELL US
THAT.
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE
PANDEMIC, YOU KNOW, ALL OF US
WERE WAKING UP INSPIRED BY
SOMEONE ELSE'S INSTAGRAM.
JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, I THINK
I'M A HIKER NOW."
NO, YOU'RE NOT, BITCH.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
"OH, MY GOD.
I THINK I SOLVE PUZZLES NOW."
NO, YOU DON'T.
IT'S STILL IN THE BOX.
I'VE SEEN YOU.
AND YOU MIGHT BE LIKE, "WELL,
ATSUKO, ATSUKO, WHAT ARE YOUR
INTERESTS?
WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS
IF IT'S NOT FARMING?"
[SIGHS]
AND IT'S LIKE, "I DON'T THINK I
PARTICULARLY HAVE ANY."
BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S ALSO A PERSONALITY, TOO.
YEAH.
AND THAT SHOULD BE EMPOWERING.
YES, MY FELLOW BASIC PERSON.
YES.
[LAUGHTER]
IF YOU'RE LIKE, "I ALSO DON'T
HAVE HOBBIES OR INTERESTS."
THAT'S OKAY.
LOOK AT ME.
YOU ARE STILL A WHOLE PERSON.
YOU ARE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
YES, I'M PROUD.
YES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GIVE IT UP FOR MY FELLOW BASIC
BITCH.
NO, 'CAUSE TRULY, WE WERE ALL
GONNA MAKE SOURDOUGH.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, THINK ABOUT IT.
WE CAN ALL BE BAKERS.
NO, RIGHT?
BECAUSE SOMEONE'S GOTTA BE THE
BUYER.
THAT'S HOW THE ECONOMY WORKS.
AND I'M JUST SAYING THAT'S ME.
OKAY?
I HAVE NO SKILLS, SO I BUY YOUR
THINGS THAT YOU MAKE.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO, MY HUSBAND JUST SHOUTED AT
THE GUY.
THE GUY IS UNFAZED, BECAUSE HE'S
NOT A BEAR.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, MY HUSBAND STARTS TO SHAKE
HIS HAND IN THE AIR LIKE THIS AS
IF TO SUMMON SOMETHING.
AND THE GUY KIND OF STARTS TO DO
IT BACK, AS IF TO MOCK HIM.
SO, I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, THIS
ISN'T GOOD."
YEAH.
SO, I GO INSIDE AND I START
GATHERING WEAPONS, WHATEVER I
CAN FIND, YOU KNOW?
I SECURE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER,
A KITCHEN KNIFE, AND A SHOVEL,
YOU KNOW, THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T
REALLY CARRY AT THE SAME TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, I WAS LIKE, "DON'T STAB
YOURSELF, DON'T STAB YOURSELF."
AND I START PLOTTING.
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY.
SO, WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS --"
WELL, MAYBE YOU GUYS CAN HELP ME
OUT.
WHICH ONE OF THESE THINGS WOULD
YOU USE FIRST TO ATTACK AN
INTRUDER?
>> Audience Member: SHOVEL.
>> Atsuko: SHOVEL?
OKAY.
I HEARD YOU, WHAT WITH A SHOVEL?
JUST SWING IT AROUND?
>> Audience Member: YES.
>> Atsuko: WHAT?
SWING IT AROUND.
AND THEN, NO, YOU'RE DEAD.
YOU'RE DEAD.
WHO'S NEXT?
>> Audience Member: FIRE
EXTINGUISHER.
>> Atsuko: FIRE EXTINGUISHER?
SO, FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
SPRAY, SPRAY.
AND THEN -- AND THEN WHAT?
KITCHEN KNIFE?
>> Audience Member: KNIFE.
>> Atsuko: KNIFE?
WHAT WITH A KNIFE?
>> Audience Member: STAB HIM.
>> Atsuko: STAB HIM WHERE?
YOU'RE DEAD, TOO.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T KNOW.
WE'RE ALL SCARED.
EVERYONE?
HELLO?
NEW YORK?
HELLO?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN AGGRESSIVE
KIND.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
>> Audience Member: LEFT SIDE OF
THE TORSO.
>> Atsuko: "LEFT SIDE OF THE
TORSO."
WE GOT A POET.
[LAUGHTER]
WE GOT A POET RIGHT HERE.
YOU WILL LIVE.
LEFT SIDE OF THE TORSO.
WHY?
>> Audience Member: IT'S WHERE
THE VITAL ORGANS ARE.
>> Atsuko: IT'S WHERE THE
VITAL ORGANS ARE.
AN ESSENTIAL WORKER, AND A POET.
[LAUGHTER]
I LIKE IT.
SO, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING TOO.
I'M ALSO PLOTTING, LEFT SIDE OF
THE TORSO.
JUST LIKE THEY DID JESUS.
[LAUGHTER]
DIDN'T THAT HAPPEN?
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER THAT
FINISHED HIM OFF, RIGHT?
SOMEONE WAS ABOUT TO DO IT ON
THE RIGHT, AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"NO!
ONLY ON THE LEFT SIDE."
[LAUGHTER]
"YEAH.
THAT'S THE CRIP SIDE."
SO THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M ALSO PLOTTING.
MY HUSBAND RUSHES OUT.
HE GOES, "CALL THE COPS."
I WAS LIKE, "THE COPS?
BUT I HAVE THIS ALL FIGURED
OUT."
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I CALLED MY FRIENDS.
YEAH.
"WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS TAKE THE
SHOVEL.
I'M GONNA SWING IT AROUND, SWING
IT AROUND.
IT'S GONNA CONFUSE HIM.
AND THEN, I'M GONNA TAKE THE
FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
SPRAY AND SPRAY HIM.
AND THEN, I'M GONNA TAKE THAT
KITCHEN KNIFE AND JUST CUT THE
LEFT SIDE OF THE TORSO."
[LAUGHTER]
"A NURSE TOLD ME."
MY HUSBAND GOES, "ARE YOU
SERIOUS?"
I WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WILL CALL THE COPS.
WE NEED BACKUP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING."
SO, I CALLED 911.
I DESCRIBED THE GUY.
WHITE, SIX FEET TALL, DARK NAVY
TOP, BLACK PANTS.
MY HUSBAND GOES, "I'M GONNA GO
DOWN TO THE STREET LEVEL AND
MAKE SURE HE'S REALLY GONE."
TO WHICH, I LOOK HIM UP AND
DOWN, I REALIZE, "OH, MY GOD.
I JUST GAVE THE COPS YOUR SAME
EXACT DESCRIPTION."
I SWEAR.
WHITE, SIX FEET TALL, DARK NAVY
TOP, BLACK PANTS.
WHAT IS THAT?
WHY IS HE WEARING THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS THAT?
JUST A WHITE GUY'S PANDEMIC
UNIFORM?
SO, I WAS LIKE, "CHANGE!
YOU NEED TO CHANGE!
TRY TO LOOK DIFFERENT!
TRY TO LOOK DIFFERENT!"
YOU KNOW, WHICH IS SOMETHING
I'VE NEVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.
NO.
I'VE NEVER HEARD, "TRY TO LOOK
DIFFERENT."
NO.
IT WAS ALWAYS, "BLEND IN,
ATSUKO.
BLEND IN.
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN AND BLEND IN
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE."
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY FAMILY
WOULD TELL ME.
AND THEN, THEY NAMED ME
ATSUKO OKATSUKA.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN THEY WENT ON TO CHOOSE
ENGLISH NAMES FOR THEMSELVES.
I KNOW.
"THANKS, MOM.
OR LINDA."
[LAUGHTER]
"THAT'S BETRAYAL, UNCLE PAUL."
[LAUGHTER]
SO MY HUSBAND GOES DOWN TO THE
STREET LEVEL AND SEES THAT THE
GUY IS GONE.
FOR NOW.
IT'S 1:00 P.M.
SO, ME AND MY HUSBAND, RYAN,
OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT
FIGHTING STYLES, YOU KNOW?
HIS IS CALLED, "I HAD TWO
BROTHERS," YOU KNOW?
HE CAME FROM A BIG FAMILY.
THEY ALWAYS TALKED THINGS OUT.
HE'S NOT AFRAID OF CONFLICT.
ME ON THE OTHER HAND, I CAME
FROM A VERY SMALL FAMILY.
WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT THINGS.
LOTS OF SECRETS WERE KEPT.
MY GRANDMA TOLD ME WE WERE
COMING TO THE STATES FOR A
TWO-MONTH VACATION.
YEAH.
TWO MONTHS.
TWO-MONTH VACATION.
AND THEN I PACKED LIGHTLY, YOU
KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN, SHE HAD US OVERSTAY
OUR TOURIST VISAS AND WE BECAME
UNDOCUMENTED AND LIVED IN MY
UNCLE'S GARAGE IN HIDING FOR
SEVEN YEARS.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I'VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED BEFORE.
THRILLS FOUND ME.
OKAY.
I DON'T NEED TO GO SEEKING FOR
IT.
NO.
MY FAMILY RAISED ME ON MIND
TRICKS.
THESE MIND TRICKS, YOU KNOW?
AND IF YOU'RE AN IMMIGRANT OR
CHILDREN OF IMMIGRANTS, YOU
MIGHT BE ABLE TO RELATE, RIGHT?
YEAH.
BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR FAMILIES,
RIGHT?
YEAH.
THEY'RE JUST SO SEEMINGLY
GENEROUS.
THEY ARE ALWAYS LIKE, "EAT,"
RIGHT?
"EAT.
PLEASE EAT.
DID YOU EAT?
NO?
EAT.
PLEASE EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT,
EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT.
DID YOU EAT?
NO.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
EAT.
PLEASE EAT NOW.
EAT, EAT.
DID YOU EAT?
PLEASE EAT.
I COOK.
EAT.
NO.
PLEASE EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT.
DID YOU EAT?
NO, PLEASE EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT.
DID YOU EAT?
NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
I COOK, NOW EAT.
PLEASE EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT."
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN, THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE
YOU, THEY CALL YOU FAT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S A TRICK.
IT'S A MIND TRICK.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS RAISED ON.
SO, I WANT THINGS EASY, YOU
KNOW?
YEAH.
I JUST -- I DON'T WANNA FIGHT
OFF A SCARY MAN.
NO.
I JUST -- I JUST WANNA DIE AT A
SEPHORA.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
THANK YOU.
YOU, TOO?
YES.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR,
RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD.
I'VE DONE ENOUGH IN MY LIFE.
I IMMIGRATED, I LEARNED A
LANGUAGE, I EVEN SET FOOT ON A
YACHT ONCE.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY ASKED ME TO LEAVE, BUT I
SET FOOT ON IT.
[LAUGHTER]
I'VE DONE SO MUCH IN MY LIFE.
I'VE DONE SO MUCH, ONLY TO
REALIZE I JUST WANNA BE AT THE
MALL.
YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE AT THE MALL,
EVERYONE'S AN EQUAL.
YEAH.
EVERYONE'S ALLOWED TO BE THERE.
IT WAS FREE TO ENTER, FREE TO
EXIT.
IT GIVES ME PEACE.
YEAH.
WE'RE ALL WALKING AROUND THE
SAME LIKE ZOMBIES, LIKE, "OOH,
CAPITALISM," YOU KNOW?
WE'RE ALL EATING SOMETHING.
WE'RE ALL CHEWING ON SOMETHING.
"THANK YOU SO MUCH,
AUNTIE ANNE'S.
I WILL TAKE A FREE SAMPLE."
PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE ALL PASSED
ANN TAYLOR LOFT TWICE.
WE'VE ALL WONDERED WHO THAT
STORE IS FOR.
YOU CAN'T BE AT THE MALL FOOD
COURT AND THINK YOU'RE BETTER
THAN SOMEONE.
YOU CAN'T BE ALL JUDGY LIKE,
"EW.
WHAT DID YOU GET?
PANDA EXPRESS?
UGH."
"WELL, I GOT SBARRO."
NO.
WE ALL WANTED TO SPEND $10
MAXIMUM.
THAT'S WHY WE WENT TO THE MALL
FOOD COURT.
WE'RE ALL CHEAP.
I'LL PROCLAIM IT RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT NOW.
WHEN I'M READY TO DIE, I'M JUST
GONNA WALK INTO A SEPHORA.
PUT ON THE MOST EXPENSIVE
PRODUCTS THEY HAVE, YOU KNOW,
THE FREE SAMPLES, AND THEN JUST
DIE.
[LAUGHTER]
ON MY OWN TERMS, FOR FREE, YOU
KNOW?
AND YOU CAN TALK TO WITNESSES
WHO SAW ME ALONG THE WAY.
YEAH.
THEY'LL BE LIKE, "ASIAN GIRL?
BOWL CUT?
YEAH.
SHE WALKED UP TO THAT WATER
FOUNTAIN IN FRONT OF THE MALL,
UH, SPLASHED AROUND IN IT FOR,
LIKE, 40 MINUTES, SCREAMING,
SCREAMING, 'IT'S FREE.'"
[LAUGHTER]
"AND, UH, WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE
JUST WALKED INTO SEPHORA AND,
UH, IT WAS OVER.
IT WAS OVER."
AND PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "WELL,
WAS SHE HAPPY?
DID SHE SEEM HAPPY?"
"FUCK YEAH, SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL."
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S HOW I WANNA GO.
SO, BY LATE AFTERNOON, MY
HUSBAND HAD ROUNDED UP A
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, 'CAUSE THE
COPS NEVER CAME.
YEAH.
SO, HE ROUNDED UP EVERYONE IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND PUT HIM ON
A TEXT THREAD AND SAID, "BE ON
ALERT.
THERE'S BEEN AN INTRUSION AT OUR
PLACE.
OKAY?
LOOK OUT FOR A GUY THAT LOOKS
LIKE ME."
[LAUGHTER]
SO, I FELT BETTER.
NIGHTTIME FALLS, WE'RE HAVING
DINNER WHEN SUDDENLY OUR PHONE
GOES OFF AND IT'S OUR NEIGHBOR.
AND SHE'S LIKE, "THE GUY YOU
DESCRIBED IS BACK.
YEAH.
HE JUST PARKED, AND HE'S HEADED
UP TO YOUR PLACE AGAIN."
I KNOW.
MY FEARLESS HUSBAND, HE RUSHES
OUT, BUT THIS TIME HE JUST GOES,
"HEY!
WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT BEING
HERE?"
[LAUGHTER]
OH, GREAT.
THEY'VE CONVERSED, JUST PICKING
UP RIGHT WHERE THEY LEFT OFF,
RIGHT?
AS IF THE GUY WAS GONNA BE LIKE,
"OH, YOU SAID 'DON'T.'"
[LAUGHTER]
"AND NOW, WHAT?
HELLO?
WHAT'S THE PLAN HERE?
HELLO?"
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
"THAT'S RIGHT.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
SO, I WAS LIKE, "FUCK THIS," YOU
KNOW?
I START PACKING.
I GET A BACKPACK.
I PUT A BUNCH OF CHARGERS IN
THERE.
I PUT A BUNCH OF CASH IN THERE.
I GET A FROZEN LASAGNA AND PUT
IT IN THERE, TOO.
YEAH, BECAUSE I NEVER MISS A
SECOND MEAL, AND ADRENALINE GETS
ME HUNGRY.
[LAUGHTER]
I LOOK OUTSIDE TO SEE IF I'M
SINGLE NOW.
HUSBAND'S STILL ALIVE.
BUT NOW, HE'S BACK TO DOING
THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW, HE'S ADDED THIS WEIRD
TWO-STEP TO GO ALONG WITH IT.
BUTOH STYLE LIKE, "OH, HE'S BEEN
TAKING JAPANESE THEATER BEHIND
MY BACK."
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE GUY KIND OF WATCHES
THIS, FREAKS OUT, AND STARTS TO
RUN AWAY.
IT WORKS.
DIFFERENT FIGHTING STYLE.
MIND TRICKS.
[LAUGHTER]
RYAN RUSHES BACK, AND HE GOES,
"I GOT RID OF THE GUY."
I SAID, "I SAW.
BUT WHETHER YOU'RE COMING WITH
ME OR NOT, THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR
ME.
I'VE PACKED, I'M LEAVING."
HE GRABS ME BY THE HAND.
TOO FAR.
[LAUGHTER]
HE GRABS ME BY THE HAND.
SOMEONE -- OH, YOU DON'T WANNA
GRAB.
HE GRABS ME BY THE -- WITH
LOVERS LIKE YOU...
[LAUGHTER]
YOU WANNA HOLD MY HAND?
FIVE HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HE GRABS ME BY THE HAND.
GRAB -- HE GRABS ME BY THE HAND.
DO IT BACK!
[LAUGHTER]
SO, THIS IS A LONG-DISTANCE
RELATIONSHIP.
[LAUGHTER]
OUR WI-FI IS DISCONNECTED.
I'VE FROZEN, SO YOU DON'T KNOW
WHEN TO GRAB BACK.
HE GRABS MY -- HE GRABS --
[LAUGHTER]
HE GRABS ME BY THE HAND.
HE GOES --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Y'ALL WERE SO IMPOSSIBLE.
THE CLAP FOR JUST STANDING.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
HE GRABS ME BY THE HAND.
HE GOES, "BUT WE BUILT A LIFE
HERE."
[LAUGHTER]
"WE SHOULD AT LEAST TRY."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Y'ALL WERE SO BAD AT THIS.
SHE GOT CLAPS FOR SITTING BACK
DOWN.
[LAUGHTER]
DO YOU REMEMBER -- DO YOU
REMEMBER WHAT MY HUSBAND SAID?
DO YOU REMEMBER?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
>> Audience Member: "WE BUILD
A LIFE HERE."
>> Atsuko: NO, AT THE SAME
TIME.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
THREE, TWO, ONE.
>> Audience Member: "WE BUILT
A LIFE HERE.
WE SHOULD AT LEAST TRY."
[LAUGHTER]
>> Atsuko: "BUT WE BUILT A
LIFE HERE.
WE SHOULD AT LEAST TRY."
YOU DIDN'T SAY THE "BUT."
[LAUGHTER]
THOSE WORDS OF BRAVERY KIND OF
GOT ME HOT.
"BUT WE BUILT A LIFE HERE,"
RIGHT?
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"
[LAUGHTER]
IMMEDIATELY DRENCHED.
I HATE THAT HE HAS THAT EFFECT
ON ME.
[SIGHS]
SO, I WAS LIKE, "FINE, I'LL
STAY.
BUT IF THIS GUY COMES BACK ONE
MORE TIME, WHICH IS ONE TOO MANY
MORE TIMES, WE ARE GONE."
YOU KNOW, THERE COMES A POINT IN
A MARRIAGE WHERE YOU BECOME EACH
OTHER'S FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, YOU BECOME EACH
OTHER'S FAMILY, BUT YOU'RE STILL
SLEEPING WITH EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THAT'S IF YOU
CAN GET OVER THAT MIND FUCK.
YEAH, 'CAUSE ROMANTIC PARTNERS
TURN FAMILIES STILL HAVING SEX.
YOU KNOW, THINGS CAN GET REAL
BLURRY, RIGHT?
TITLES CAN GET REAL BLURRY.
YEAH, 'CAUSE I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS
WHO TELL ME ALL THE TIME,
"ATSUKO, ME AND MY HUSBAND, WE
DON'T HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER
ANYMORE.
ME AND MY HUSBAND, WE DON'T HAVE
SEX WITH EACH OTHER ANYMORE."
AND IT'S LIKE, "WELL, MAYBE IT'S
BECAUSE HE CALLS YOU 'MOM,' YOU
KNOW?"
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW.
IT COULD GET WEIRD, RIGHT?
IT COULD GET REAL WEIRD.
YEAH, I WOULD STOP TOO.
YEAH, 'CAUSE MY HUSBAND, WHEN HE
GETS GROCERIES, HE ALWAYS BRINGS
BACK WHAT WE CALL A SURPRISE
TREAT.
[CHUCKLES]
I KNOW.
AND IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW
AND SOMETHING THAT'S NOT ON THE
GROCERY LIST.
AND IT'S WHAT I LOOK FORWARD TO
EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND IT'S VERY SWEET AND VERY
CUTE.
YEAH.
BUT, THAT IS ALSO HOW OUR
RELATIONSHIP TURNED INTO A
FATHER-DAUGHTER ONE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S VERY HARD.
JUST, "HERE'S YOUR SWEET TREAT."
"THANKS, DAD."
[LAUGHTER]
AND I LIKE SYNCHRONIZED
CHOREOGRAPHED DANCES WITH OTHER
PEOPLE, BECAUSE I WAS A
CHEERLEADER IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH.
THANK YOU.
THAT HALF-ASSED HERKIE.
I WAS -- I WAS BETTER BACK THEN.
UH, I WAS A CHEERLEADER IN HIGH
SCHOOL, SO I LOVE SYNCHRONIZED
CHOREOGRAPHED DANCES WITH OTHER
PEOPLE.
LIKE, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO
THEIR OWN DANCES ON THE DANCE
FLOOR.
NO, NO.
WE SHOULD ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE
SYNCHRONIZED.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S MORE BEAUTIFUL THAT WAY,
RIGHT?
EVERYONE ON THE DANCE FLOOR
TELLING THE SAME STORY.
SO, AT ONE POINT, I STARTED
TEACHING MY HUSBAND THESE
CHOREOGRAPHED DANCES, SO WE
COULD DO IT TOGETHER.
I WOULD SHOOT IT, POST IT
ONLINE, YOU KNOW, I WOULD MAKE
HIM MATCH WITH ME.
SAME OUTFIT, SAME HAIRSTYLE,
EVERYTHING.
YEAH.
AND AT ONE POINT, DURING ONE OF
THESE, MY HUSBAND BROKE DOWN AND
CRIED.
YEAH.
BECAUSE I WAS BEING A TERROR.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, I WAS LIKE, "FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT.
GET IT RIGHT.
KEEP YOUR WIG ON."
YOU KNOW, THAT WAS ME.
AND HE STARTED CRYING AND CRYING
AND HE SAID TO ME, "I HATE DOING
THESE DANCES WITH YOU.
I NEVER WANNA DO THESE WITH YOU
EVER AGAIN."
AND THEN HE GOES, "BECAUSE YOU
ALWAYS WANNA MAKE US LOOK LIKE
WE'RE SISTERS."
[LAUGHTER]
SISTERS.
AND HE'S RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S RIGHT.
IT IS FUCKED UP THAT I WAS
MAKING HIM DO THESE.
YEAH.
SO, I STOPPED MAKING HIM DO THIS
WITH ME.
YEAH, BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT.
HE'S NOT MY SISTER.
NO... HE'S MY FATHER.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S PARTLY WHY WE'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE ANY KIDS.
I DON'T WANNA COMPETE FOR
ATTENTION FROM FATHER.
[LAUGHTER]
WE BOTH LIKE TO SLEEP IN, BUT
MY IN-LAWS REALLY WANT US TO
HAVE KIDS.
AND THEY ALWAYS BEG US FOR IT.
LIKE, "PLEASE GIVE US
GRANDCHILDREN."
IT'S LIKE, "NO, NO.
IT STOPS HERE.
I ALMOST LOST MYSELF TO
LETTUCE-PLANTING, YOU KNOW?
IT STOPS HERE.
WE CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF
OURSELVES."
MY FATHER-IN-LAW GOES, "BUT YOUR
BABY WILL BE HOT."
I SWEAR, I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE
ME?"
HE'S LIKE, "YOUR BABY, IT'LL BE
ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH
ATTRACTIVE.
IT'LL BE AN ATTRACTIVE BABY."
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SHIT.
I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT," RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
I DIDN'T THINK I COULD BE
ATTRACTED TO MY BABY, YOU KNOW?
"WELL, HURRY UP.
LET'S POKE A HOLE IN THE CONDOM,
BABY.
STAT.
NOW!"
LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF ARGUMENT
IS -- PLEASE, IT'LL BE SO HOT.
PLEASE, IT'LL BE SO ATTRACTIVE.
A HOT BABY.
THIS IS ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE."
LIKE SNOW WHITE, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
BECAUSE WHAT WAS SNOW WHITE'S
WHOLE THING?
WHAT WAS HER WHOLE THING?
WAS IT, LIKE -- SHE'S, LIKE, SO
HOT.
RIGHT?
SHE'S, LIKE, SO HOT.
RIGHT?
SHE WAS, LIKE, SO FUCKING HOT
THAT HER STEPMOM WANTED TO KILL
HER.
RIGHT?
SO SHE'S, LIKE, "GET OUT OF
HERE.
YOU'RE TOO UNBEARABLY HOT FOR
THIS EARTH."
THEN SHE GOES, "BANISH, BANISH!"
SO SNOW WHITE HAD TO RUN TO THE
WOODS, RIGHT?
LIKE, "OH, NO, I'M TOO HOT."
RIGHT?
OR SHE'S, LIKE, "YEAH, ONLY ME
HOT.
NOT HER.
KILL HER.
BRING HER HEART BACK IN A BOX."
YOU KNOW, IT'S A VERY IMMATURE
STORYLINE.
UH, IT'S WHAT WE GREW UP
WATCHING, RIGHT?
JUST ABOUT A BITCH WHO WANTED TO
BE THE HOTTEST IN THE LAND.
YOU KNOW?
AND SNOW WHITE, SHE'S -- SHE WAS
SO HOT, RIGHT?
SHE WAS SO HOT THAT THE ONLY
SKILL SHE PICKED UP WAS SINGING
AND CLEANING.
RIGHT?
JUST LIKE --
[HUMMING]
THAT'S A BIRD.
[CONTINUING HUMMING]
ANYWAY...
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THAT'S HER.
AND HER ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE WAS
TO WAIT FOR A FREAKY PRINCE WHO
WAS DOWN TO KISS WHATEVER.
RIGHT?
AND SHE FOUND HIM OR HE FOUND
HER WHERE SHE WAS ALL
UNCONSCIOUS.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH.
I'LL STILL KISS THAT.
AT LEAST IT'S A HOT DEAD BODY."
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S HER BOYFRIEND, A NECRO.
I DON'T WANT THAT FOR MY KID.
[LAUGHTER]
AND PLUS, YOU KNOW, WITH MY
GRANDMA AGING, AND MY MOM, TOO,
I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I HAVE TWO
KIDS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE 86 AND 65.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY
GRANDMA CAN NO LONGER EAT
GLUTEN.
YEAH, I KNOW.
SILENCE.
GROANS.
I KNOW.
ONE PERSON LAUGHING.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU DO HAVE TO FIND THE JOY IN
THINGS.
[LAUGHTER]
HALF CUP -- UH, WHAT IS IT?
CUP HALF FULL...
WITH LOVERS LIKE ME...
[LAUGHTER]
MY GRANDMA CAN'T EAT GLUTEN
ANYMORE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS SHOCKED,
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW.
DID YOU KNOW?
DID YOU KNOW THAT IMMIGRANTS CAN
GET THIS?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I DIDN'T TRULY -- I TRULY
DIDN'T KNOW.
I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW.
I WAS LIKE, "OUR COMMUNITY?
SINCE WHEN?"
I TRULY DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, I -- NO, I REALLY THOUGHT
THAT THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT
ONLY HAPPEN, UH, TO WHITE
PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, BECAUSE ALL MY WHITE
FRIENDS, ALL MY WHITE FRIENDS,
EVERY SINGLE DAY, THERE'S A NEW
THING THEY CAN'T EAT ANYMORE.
IT'S WEIRD.
AND THEY REPORT IT TO ME.
THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, IT'S
GLUTEN THAT'S HURTING ME.
I GOT TO CUT THAT OUT.
NO, IT TURNS OUT IT'S DAIRY,
TOO.
ALSO GONNA CUT THAT OUT.
I CAN'T EAT PEANUTS.
I'M ALLERGIC."
YOU KNOW, EVERY SINGLE DAY
THERE'S A NEW THING
MY WHITE FRIENDS CAN'T EAT
ANYMORE.
IT'S WILD, LIKE -- FOR A SECOND
THERE, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT
MAYBE WHITE PEOPLE WERE
STILL -- THERE'S SO MANY OF YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
I REALLY THOUGHT THAT MAYBE
WHITE PEOPLE, UH, WERE STILL
EVOLVING.
[LAUGHTER]
NO!
NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY!
NO!
NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S NOT FUNNY, BECAUSE, BECAUSE
MY HUSBAND IS WHITE, UH, AND,
AND I DON'T WANNA LOSE HIM, UH,
TO A SANDWICH.
[LAUGHTER]
NO!
NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
NO, BECAUSE THEN, THEN I HAVE TO
MARRY THE SANDWICH, UH, BECAUSE
IT WON, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
WHITE PEOPLE, UH, ARE YOU OKAY?
[LAUGHTER]
BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM A
SOLUTION-BASED COMIC.
I AM.
YEAH.
I LIKE TO SEE WHAT I SEE AND GO,
"HOW CAN WE USE THIS TO BETTER
THE WORLD?"
RIGHT?
"HOW CAN WE USE THIS TO COMBAT
THE BAD?"
AND SO I THOUGHT, "OKAY.
UM, YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES WHITE
SUPREMACISTS -- UH, BETWEEN ME
AND YOU.
UM, NO, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
WHITE SUPREMACISTS COME OUT TO
MARCH?
YOU KNOW, LIKE, INTO A BUILDING.
UH, MAYBE IT'S AN IMPORTANT ONE.
LIKE IN, UH, JANUARY?"
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SAW IT, TOO.
YEAH, WE WERE ALL WATCHING.
IT WAS ALL OVER THE NEWS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
AND WE WERE ALL WATCHING.
WE'RE LIKE, "NOTHING CAN STOP
THEM."
WELL, I HAVE A PLAN.
SO NEXT TIME SOMETHING LIKE THAT
HAPPENS, WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT AT
THE FINAL DESTINATION IN A LINE
WITH POCKETS FULL OF BREAD.
[LAUGHTER]
AND AS THEY COME CLOSER AND
CLOSER AND THEY'RE MARCHING, YOU
KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE, "WHITE LIVES
MATTER.
STOP THE STEAL."
OR WHATEVER THEY SAY, YOU KNOW?
AND THEY COME CLOSER AND CLOSER,
AND THEY LOOK SCARY.
WE JUST BATTLE, RIGHT?
JUST, UH, "CIABATTA."
AND HIT THEM ON THEIR NOSE.
"HOW ABOUT A BAGUETTE?"
AND HIT THEM ON THEIR HEADS, YOU
KNOW?
AND I REALLY THOUGHT AT LEAST
SOME OF THEM WOULD BE LIKE, "OH,
NO, WAS THAT GLUTEN?
I CAN'T DIGEST THAT."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAD A PLAN.
THAT WAS MY PLAN.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
IT WOULDN'T WORK.
BECAUSE NOW MY GRANDMA, ALSO
GLUTEN-FREE.
YEAH.
YEAH, BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN HANGING
OUT WITH SOME NEW WHITE FRIENDS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW SHE'S BEEN EXPOSED.
IT SUCKS, SHE DIDN'T LISTEN.
PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME, "ATSUKO,
DID YOU TRY THE BREAD THING WITH
THE INTRUDER?"
[LAUGHTER]
"HE'S WHITE."
"NO.
TOO SCARED."
WHAT IF HE'S NOT ALLERGIC?
AND I'LL JUST GO, "HOW ABOUT A
BAGUETTE?"
AND HE'LL JUST GO, "HOW ABOUT
YOU'RE DEAD?"
AS MY HUSBAND JUST DANCES.
[LAUGHTER]
WE ALL DO WEIRD THINGS WHEN
WE'RE SCARED.
WE DO.
LIKE THE OTHER DAY, I TOUCHED
TONGUES WITH A STRANGER'S DOG.
I DID.
THANK YOU.
I DID.
LISTEN, THIS IS WHAT -- LISTEN.
SHH!
THIS -- HEY, THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENED.
WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS I SAW A
DOG BEING WALKED BY ITS OWNER,
SO I GOT EXCITED, AS YOU WOULD.
RIGHT?
SO I BENT DOWN TO PET IT, AND,
IT STARTED LICKING MY FACE.
YOU KNOW, JUST --
AND I STARTED TO TALK, SO I
OPENED MY MOUTH, SO BOOM,
CONTACT.
[LAUGHTER]
TONGUE TO TONGUE.
I LET IT.
"GIVE ME A FEW MORE."
I DID.
BECAUSE LIFE IS HARD.
YEAH, BECAUSE LIFE IS HARD, AND
I WAS LIKE, "I'M GONNA GET LOVE
WHEREVER I CAN.
RIGHT HERE WILL DO."
YEAH.
SO, IT WAS ME AND THIS DOG,
TONGUE TO TONGUE.
AND, LET ME TELL YOU, OKAY?
THE OWNER OF THE DOG, LIKE SOME
OF YOU, HATED IT.
SHE DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.
SHE SCREAMED.
SHE WAS LIKE, "EW.
OH!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
AND IN THAT MOMENT OF FEAR, I,
LIKE, STOPPED.
AND FOR SOME REASON, THE ONLY
THING THAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH
BACK THERE, FOR SOME REASON, I
JUST SAID, "OH, DON'T WORRY.
I'M MARRIED."
[LAUGHTER]
AND, UH, SHE REALLY DIDN'T LIKE
THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THAT'S ME!
I DON'T DEAL WELL WITH FEELINGS
OF EMBARRASSMENT.
I DON'T DEAL WELL WITH FEELINGS
OF SHAME.
SO ANY TIME SOMEONE CALLS ME
OUT, I JUST GET EXISTENTIAL.
YEAH.
ANYTIME SOMEONE'S, LIKE,
"ATSUKO, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
ATSUKO, WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?"
OR, "FUCK YOU, ATSUKO!"
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "WELL, YOU
KNOW, I NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE
ANYWAY."
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST GIVE UP RIGHT ON YOU, AND
YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
IF ANYONE EVER GIVES YOU A HARD
TIME, LIKE, "WHY WERE YOU LATE?"
JUST BE LIKE, "WHY WAS I LATE?
UH, WHY WAS I BORN?"
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST FREAK THEM OUT.
NO ONE CAN ARGUE AGAINST YOU IF
YOU JUST GIVE UP ON THE WILL TO
LIVE.
"ATSUKO, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
ATSUKO, WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?"
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "WELL, YOU
KNOW, NONE OF US HAD A CHOICE.
DID WE?"
[LAUGHTER]
AND I'M A FIRM BELIEVER IN THAT
STATEMENT.
I AM.
LIKE LIFE -- OKAY.
ALL OF US IN HERE -- OKAY?
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IN HERE,
OKAY?
BEING BIRTHED IS THE ULTIMATE --
"I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THIS"
SITUATION THAT WE WERE ALL
PUSHED INTO.
NONE OF US HAD A SAY.
WE ALL COME OUT CRYING, IS WHAT
I'M SAYING.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL TERRIFYING,
RIGHT?
WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.
NONE OF US ASKED FOR THIS.
IT WAS OUR MOTHER'S IDEA.
IT WAS HER IDEA.
SHE WAS LIKE, "HERE'S A GIFT.
HERE'S A SURPRISE GIFT.
YOU LIVE HERE NOW.
OPEN YOUR EYES."
SO WE GET PUSHED OUT.
WE STARTED CRYING.
WE'RE JUST LIKE, "OH, NO, WHAT
IS THIS PLACE?
OH, NO, IT'S SO SCARY.
CUT TO AN ADULT GROWN MAN IN THE
SAME HOSPITAL ROOM, SNEEZING 30
TIMES IN A ROW, JUST LOSING IT.
JUST, "ACHOO!
ACHOO!
ACHOO!"
YOU'RE, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHAT'S THAT?"
"THAT'S YOUR FATHER.
THAT IS YOUR FATHER.
HE CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER.
SEASONAL ALLERGIES.
YOU'LL PROBABLY GET IT, TOO."
THAT'S HOW I WAS PUSHED OUT TO
THIS EARTH.
TO A SNEEZING FATHER.
OKAY?
LIFE IS FREAKING SCARY, IS WHAT
I'M SAYING.
WE'RE ALL TRYING.
SO, I'M SORRY I MADE OUT WITH
YOUR DOG.
[LAUGHTER]
I NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE
ANYWAY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, LIFE IS CRUEL.
MY GRANDMA CAN'T EAT GLUTEN
ANYMORE.
MY MOM, ON THE OTHER HAND,
ACTUALLY HAS SCHIZOPHRENIA,
WHICH MEANS SHE HEARS VOICES A
LOT AND SHE HALLUCINATES ALL THE
TIME.
AND IT SUCKS.
IT FRICKIN' SUCKS.
BUT THANK GOD.
OKAY?
THANK GOODNESS.
WE JUST CHECKED, AND MY MOM, SHE
CAN STILL EAT BREAD.
SHE CAN.
THANK YOU, GOD.
THANK YOU, UNIVERSE.
[APPLAUSE]
YES!
SHE CAN STILL DO THAT.
YEAH.
BECAUSE I THINK LIFE HAS A WAY
OF BALANCING ITSELF OUT
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, IT HAS TO.
YOU NEED SOMETHING TO WAKE UP
FOR.
RIGHT?
WHERE IT'S LIKE, "OH, GIRL,
YOU'RE GONNA HEAR VOICES ALL
DAY, BUT YOU CAN STILL HAVE A
CROISSANT."
IT NEEDS TO BALANCE ITSELF OUT.
YEAH.
JUST LIKE MY GRANDMA HAS NO
MENTAL ILLNESSES, BUT NOW SHE'S
A REALLY DIFFICULT DINNER GUEST,
YOU KNOW?
IT KEEPS HER HUMBLE, RIGHT?
YEAH.
KEEPS HER GROUNDED FROM GETTING
TOO COCKY.
AND SCHIZOPHRENIA IS HARD TO
TALK ABOUT IN COMEDY, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF IT
AND IT'S SO STIGMATIZED.
AND I DON'T THINK IT HELPS THAT
IT HAS SUCH A SCARY SOUNDING
NAME, YOU KNOW?
NO, IT DOESN'T.
YEAH, IT DOESN'T HELP.
I TRULY WISH SCHIZOPHRENIA HAD A
MORE APPROACHABLE NAME.
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE
"SPLASH MOUNTAIN.
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S FUN.
I LOVE THAT RIDE.
IN FACT, WHAT IF ALL MENTAL
ILLNESSES WERE JUST NAMED AFTER
RIDES AT DISNEYLAND?
THEN WE COULD NORMALIZE IT.
RIGHT?
THEN CONVERSATIONS COULD LOOK
LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE, "OH, YEAH,
I JUST TALKED TO MY DOCTOR AND
IT'S BEEN CONFIRMED.
I HAVE MR. TOAD'S WILD RIDE."
YOU KNOW?"
THAT'S FUN.
OR CONVERSATIONS COULD LOOK LIKE
THIS, LIKE, "OH, YEAH, I JUST
TALKED TO MY DOCTOR AND, UH, AT
FIRST THEY THOUGHT IT WAS JUST
THE TEACUPS.
BUT, UH, IT TURNS OUT I HAVE THE
TOWER OF TERROR."
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, AND THAT MIGHT SOUND
SCARY.
THAT MIGHT SOUND SCARY, BUT,
HEY, AT LEAST YOU MIGHT HAVE
SOME FOND MEMORIES ON THAT RIDE.
GYNECOLOGISTS COULD START
ADOPTING THIS PRACTICE TOO, WHEN
INSTEAD OF USING SCARY WORDS
LIKE CHLAMYDIA OR GONORRHEA
TO DIAGNOSE YOU, THEY WOULD JUST
BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, UH, YOU HAVE
WHAT WE CALL THE HAUNTED
MANSION."
[LAUGHTER]
GOOD.
WHICH IS GOOD, YOU'RE HEALTHY
BECAUSE NO ONE'S VISITED IN A
WHILE.
UH, BUT, HEY, IT'S A PANDEMIC,
SO A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HAUNTED
MANSIONS RIGHT NOW.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO SINGLE YOU OUT.
YOU LOOKED BUMMED THE WHOLE
TIME.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT A
SHARED EXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE IT IS A SMALL WORLD
AFTER ALL.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW, BUCKLE UP, BUCKLE UP
BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE IT GETS
WILD.
SO IT GETS WILDER.
SO BY NOW, YOU KNOW THAT MY MOM
HAS THE SPLASH, YOU KNOW?
ARE WE GONNA NORMALIZE IT OR
NOT?
SO MY MOM HAS THE SPLASH, BUT
HERE'S THE WILD PART, OKAY?
RYAN, MY HUSBAND'S MOM, ALSO HAS
SPLASH MOUNTAIN.
YEAH, MY HUSBAND'S MOM ALSO HAS
SCHIZOPHRENIA.
AND SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT'S HOW
WE STARTED DATING.
WHICH -- CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT
BEING YOUR ONLY CRITERIA FOR
FINDING A PARTNER?
LIKE, HOW WOULD THAT WORK?
RIGHT?
JUST YourMomToo.com.
YOU KNOW?
JUST CHOOSE A HAIRSTYLE THAT YOU
LIKE.
YOUR SEARCH IS OVER.
NO, I WISH.
WE FOUND OUT ON OUR THIRD DATE
WITH EACH OTHER.
WE WERE OVER AT HIS PLACE, AND,
WE WERE IN HIS BEDROOM.
WHAT ARE YOU, 12?
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE WERE GETTING ALL HORNED UP.
YEAH, THINGS WERE GETTING FRISKY
WHEN SUDDENLY HIS PHONE GOES OFF
AND HE'S LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY.
I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.
IT'S MY MOM."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, FUCK."
YEAH, BECAUSE I WORE MY GOOD
UNDERWEAR THAT NIGHT.
I WORE MY GOOD ADULT LACEY
UNDERWEAR THAT NIGHT.
NO ONE'S EVER DISMISSED ME SO
FAST FOR THEIR MOM BEFORE,
RIGHT?
SO I WAS LIKE, "IS HE LIKE A
MAMA'S BOY?"
RED FLAG.
RED FLAG, YOU KNOW?
AND THEN HE LEAVES ME IN THERE
ALONE FOR AN HOUR, JUST TALKING
TO HER.
AND THEN I HEAR HIM STARTING TO
COMFORT HER, AND THEN I HEAR HIM
STARTING TO SING TO HER.
AND THAT'S WHEN I WAS LIKE,
"OH, DOUBLE FUCK."
"ARE THEY LIKE A SINGING MOTHER
AND SON?
ARE THEY HARMONIZING?"
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, I'M GONNA
DIE TONIGHT.
HE'S A MURDERER.
HE SINGS WITH HIS MOTHER BEFORE
SEX."
SO I WAS ALL SCARED.
AND THEN HE RUSHES IN, FINALLY,
AN HOUR LATER, AND HE GOES,
"I'M SO SORRY.
I SING TO HER SOMETIMES.
IT MAKES HER FEEL BETTER.
MY MOM HAS THIS THING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD OF
IT.
SCHIZOPHRENIA."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
MY MOM, TOO."
AND WE HAD THE CRAZIEST SEX
EVER.
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?
FUCK ME NOW!"
WE STARTED TAKING OUR CLOTHES
OFF.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WE
DESERVE THIS."
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
WE STARTED THROWING EACH OTHER
BACK AND FORTH, PULLING EACH
OTHER'S HAIR, KICK EACH OTHER,
JUST SPLISH, SPLASH.
YOU KNOW?
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, IT WAS SO HOT.
YEAH.
LIKE, IF I WEREN'T ON BIRTH
CONTROL PILLS AT THAT TIME, WE
WOULD HAVE A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD
CHILD RIGHT NOW.
YEAH.
YEAH, I KNOW.
WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA.
[LAUGHTER]
SPLASH MOUNTAIN.
BUT IT WOULD BE...
>> Audience Member: HOT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Atsuko: MY MOM AND GRANDMA
ARE AT AN AGE
NOW WHERE THEY'RE KIND OF
WEIRDLY GOING THROUGH PUBERTY
AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, THEY HAVEN'T BEEN
TOUCHED ROMANTICALLY BY A PERSON
IN DECADES.
AND IT'S COMING OUT IN WEIRD
WAYS, YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
MY MOM'S TRYING TO SEDUCE THE
PHYSICAL THERAPIST.
MY GRANDMA HITS ON MY HUSBAND,
WHO IS MY FATHER'S SISTER.
YOU KNOW?
IT'S AN UNHEALTHY DYNAMIC.
SO TO STOP THIS, I WAS LIKE,
"FAMILY, WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS.
YEAH, BECAUSE MOMMY KNOWS WHAT'S
BEST FOR HER KIDS.
OR MOMMY HAS A FRIEND WHO DANCES
IN THE MAGIC MIKE LIVE SHOW."
YEAH.
YES.
MAGIC MIKE LIVE, IF YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD OF IT, IT'S THE
CHANNING TATUM STRIP SHOW WITH A
STORY ARC, OKAY?
THERE'S SOMETHING IN IT FOR
EVERYONE.
SO THE NIGHT OF THE SHOW, MY
MOM'S NOT FEELING WELL.
SHE DECIDES TO SIT IT OUT.
SO WE'RE LIKE, "OKAY, WE'RE
GONNA HAVE FUN IN HER HONOR."
THE SHOW STARTS.
MY GRANDMA STARTS THROWING CASH
AT ALL THE HALF-NAKED MEN.
SHE'S DRINKING A BUNCH.
AND AT ONE POINT, ONE OF THE
DANCERS ASKS MY GRANDMA TO JOIN
HIM ON THE STAGE.
YEAH.
THE SPOTLIGHT WAS ON HER.
HUNDREDS OF WOMEN JUST PISSED,
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
AND IN THAT MOMENT, WHAT DID MY
GRANDMA DO?
SHE POLITELY DECLINED.
SHE POLITELY DECLINED, YEAH,
WHICH I DON'T THINK HAS EVER
HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF A
MAGIC MIKE LIVE SHOW BEFORE.
YEAH, IN FACT, I KNOW IT HASN'T,
BECAUSE WHEN MY GRANDMA DID
THAT, THE DANCER JUST WENT,
"OH, OKAY."
AND JUST STOOD THERE NOT
KNOWING -- THERE WAS NO PLAN B.
NO ONE HAD EVER SAID NO.
RIGHT?
MY GRANDMA, A RECORD-BREAKING
BITCH.
[LAUGHTER]
SO AFTER THE SHOW, I ASKED MY
GRANDMA, "GRANDMA, WHY DID YOU
SAY NO TO A LAP DANCE?
IT WAS FREE.
WE LOVE A DISCOUNT.
WHY DID YOU SAY NO TO A FREE LAP
DANCE?"
AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAYS, SHE
GOES, "OH, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IF
I DID SAY YES AND I WENT ON
STAGE, I WOULD HAVE TO, LIKE,
HUG, AND, LIKE, KISS HIM."
[LAUGHTER]
"LIKE, KISS HIM.
LIKE, KISS HIM."
OKAY?
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS NOT A PART
OF THE SHOW.
[LAUGHTER]
WE WATCHED THE WHOLE THING FROM
BEGINNING TO END.
OKAY?
THAT PART NEVER HAPPENS.
BECAUSE A LOT OF THINGS HAPPEN
AT A MAGIC MIKE LIVE SHOW.
YOU MIGHT GET GRINDED UP ON.
OKAY.
SOMEONE'S BUTT MIGHT END UP NEAR
YOUR FACE.
BUT AT NO POINT, AT NO POINT, DO
ANY OF THE DANCERS JUST UP AND
KISS YOU ON THE LIPS.
AND EVEN WORSE, AT NO POINT DO
ANY OF THEM JUST HUG YOU.
OKAY?
FRIENDSHIP STYLE.
THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, RIGHT?
EVERYONE WOULD START BOOING.
"BOO!
THIS IS NOT THE SHOW WE CAME TO
SEE.
A SHOW ABOUT FRIENDSHIP?
NO!
SHOW ME ABS."
[LAUGHTER]
AND I WAS LIKE, "I'M SO GLAD YOU
DIDN'T GO ON STAGE THEN,
GRANDMA.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE GONNA DO?"
[LAUGHTER]
SO AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER, WE'RE
ALL LAUGHING, GOING BACK TO THE
HOTEL.
YOU KNOW, LAUGHING AT MY
GRANDMA, MAKING FUN OF HER,
JUST, LIKE, "HA, HA, HORNY
BITCH.
HORNY BITCH.
HA, HA, GRANDMA ALMOST #METOO'D
THE DANCER.
HA, HA."
[LAUGHTER]
WE'RE ALL LAUGHING.
SHE'S LAUGHING, TOO.
WE GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND
THERE'S MY MOM ALL ALONE ON HER
BED.
HER HALLUCINATIONS HAD GOTTEN
REALLY BAD, SO SHE HAD TO MISS
OUT ON THE SHOW.
AND IT WAS REALLY SAD.
BUT, RYAN, MY HUSBAND, MADE SURE
TO REMEMBER SOME OF THE DANCE
MOVES FROM THE SHOW, YEAH, AND
STARTED DOING IT FOR MY MOM.
YEAH.
HE WAS LIKE, "AND THEN THEY WERE
LIKE THIS, AND THEY WERE LIKE
THIS."
AND HE GOT ON THE GROUND.
HE WAS, LIKE, "AND THEY WERE
LIKE THIS.
AND THEY WERE LIKE THIS."
SO I JOINED HIM.
I WAS LIKE, "YEAH.
AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE THIS."
AND HE'S LIKE, "THEY WERE LIKE
THIS.
AND THEY WERE LIKE THIS.
AND THEY WERE LIKE THIS."
AND WE WERE GOING UP TO HER, AND
SHE WAS LAUGHING, AND CLAPPING,
AND HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME.
I KNOW, AND IT WAS THIS
GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL MOMENT, YOU
KNOW?
AND I LOVED IT, BECAUSE I GOT MY
SISTER BACK.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WE WERE BOTH TELLING THE SAME
STORY.
SO BY NOW IT'S LATE IN THE
NIGHT, AND ME AND RYAN ARE IN
THE BACKYARD, YOU KNOW, WHERE
THE FIRST SCENE OF THE CRIME
HAPPENED.
WE'RE JUST DRINKING, LAUGHING,
BEING LIKE, "GOD, CAN YOU
BELIEVE THE DAY WE'VE HAD?
[LAUGHS]
AN INTRUDER TO OUR HOUSE TWICE
ON THE SAME DAY?
HA, HA."
WE JINXED IT.
OUR PHONE GOES OFF.
IT'S OUR NEIGHBOR AGAIN.
AND SHE GOES, "THE GUY IS BACK."
I KNOW, HE'S RELENTLESS.
YEAH.
BUT THIS TIME HE JUST PARKED IN
HIS CAR AND IT'S TURNED ON.
I LOOK AT RYAN AND I GO, "THIS
IS IT.
YOU SAID ONE MORE TIME AND WE
WERE GONE, RIGHT?"
HE GOES, "OKAY.
ON A COUNT OF THREE, WE'RE JUST
GONNA RUN DOWN TO THE STREET
LEVEL, GET IN THE CAR, AND DRIVE
OFF.
ONE, TWO, THREE."
WE RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN DOWN TO
THE STREET LEVEL, GET IN THE
CAR, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THE GUY,
AND DRIVE OFF TO A HOTEL
30 MINUTES AWAY.
WE CHECKED IN.
THE LASAGNA GETS US THROUGH THE
NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I
REALIZED HOW SCARED RYAN REALLY
LOOKS.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LOOKING DOWN ALL
SAD, AND HE GOES, "I HOPE OUR
STUFF IS OKAY."
AND THEN HE GOES, "I HOPE WE
HAVE A HOME TO GO BACK TO."
I KNOW.
AND IT HITS ME THAT MAYBE THIS
WHOLE TIME I WAS SO READY TO
LEAVE AND SO READY TO GIVE UP,
BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONE HAVING TO
DEAL WITH EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE ONE
CONFRONTING THE INTRUDER WITH
INTERPRETIVE DANCE.
[LAUGHTER]
HE WAS THE ONE ROUNDING UP THE
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, YOU KNOW?
AND I WAS JUST GETTING TO
BENEFIT FROM THE FRUITS OF HIS
LABOR.
AND I WAS ALL ON MY -- I WAS
ANOTHER THING I LIKE TO DO WHEN
I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN
SOMETHING.
YEAH.
IF SOMEONE'S EVER, LIKE,
"ATSUKO, DO YOU WANNA GO BUNGEE
JUMPING?"
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, YEAH.
UH, I WOULD, IT'S JUST -- UH, I
WAS UNDOCUMENTED."
IT'S REALLY BAD.
AND IT WORKS, YOU KNOW?
WHERE IT'S LIKE A TRAUMA THAT
I'M OVER, BUT IT'S FRESH FOR THE
PERSON HEARING IT.
WELL, LET'S OPEN IT UP.
DO ANY OF YOU GUYS HAVE A THING
LIKE THAT, THAT YOU USED AS AN
EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF PLANS?
YOU DO?
YEAH.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> Audience Member: I'M JAMES.
THROUGHOUT ALL OF SCHOOL, UM, WE
WHEN WE HAD TO PLAY, LIKE,
BASKETBALL OR ANY SPORTS, I JUST
SAY, "HOLD ON.
I'M, I'M GAY.
I CAN'T DO THAT."
>> Atsuko: SAID HIS THING IS
HE'S GAY.
I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO COME DO
SOMETHING WITH ME THAT YOU
REALLY DON'T WANNA DO AND YOU'RE
JUST GONNA COME BACK WITH THAT,
OKAY?
UH, HEY, JAMES, WHAT'S UP?
UM, UH, SO, UH, I GOT US TICKETS
TO GO, UH, JUMP OFF A PLANE.
DO YOU WANNA COME?
>> Audience Member: NO, I'M
GAY.
>> Atsuko: EUR GAY?
>> Audience Member: YEAH, I
CAN'T.
>> Atsuko: I'M SO -- I'M SO
SORRY.
HOW LONG?
>> Audience Member: I JUST
FOUND OUT.
>> Atsuko: OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE READY,
OKAY?
I'LL JUST GO JUMP OFF THIS PLANE
MYSELF.
JUST KEEP IT GOING FOR JAMES.
[APPLAUSE]
SO ANYWAYS, I DO THAT, YOU KNOW,
AND ALL THE TIME, I WAS LIKE,
"I WAS UNDOCUMENTED."
AND NOW RYAN NEEDS ME, YOU KNOW?
SO I WAS LIKE, "ATSUKO, SHOW UP
FOR HIM FOR ONCE, YOU KNOW?
DO SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE FOR
ONCE."
SO I TAPPED IN MY BRAIN AND I
WAS LIKE -- I DECIDED TO CALL MY
MOM AND GRANDMA TO SEE WHAT THEY
WOULD DO.
AND THEY REMIND ME THAT IT
WASN'T ACTUALLY THE FIRST TIME
MY FAMILY HAS GONE THROUGH
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
SO MONTHS PRIOR, MY MOM AND
GRANDMA ALSO HAD AN INTRUDER
COME TO THEIR HOUSE.
YEAH, MY FAMILY, VERY POPULAR.
[LAUGHTER]
SO THESE TWO GUYS, LIKE, HOPPED
THEIR FRONT FENCE, GOT IN THEIR
FRONT YARD, AND STARTED BANGING
ON THE DOOR REALLY LOUD.
YEAH.
BUT EVENTUALLY THEY GOT TIRED
AND THEY WALKED AWAY.
BUT MY MOM GOT SCARED, SO SHE
SAID, "YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR
AUNTIE AND UNCLE TO BEL AIR."
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.
NO!
SHH!
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT -- NO!
ERASE IT, GO BACK!
NO.
SHH!
NO!
SO MY -- SO, MY MOM GOT SCARED,
AND SHE GOT -- YOU KNOW THOSE
DEVICES THAT ARE MOTION-SENSORED
AND IT STARTS BARKING LIKE A
DOG.
RIGHT?
YOU PUT IT BY YOUR FRONT DOOR
AND A MOTION GOES, "WOOF, WOOF,
WOOF, WOOF."
SO THEY GOT ONE OF THOSE, BUT
THEY GOT, LIKE, A REALLY CHEAP
BUSTED ONE.
SO THEIRS SOUDNED MORE LIKE,
"WAH, WAH!
WAH, WAH!
WAH, WAH!"
AND SHE WAS SHOWING IT TO ME,
"WAH, WAH!"
I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
UH, THAT IS SO SCARY.
WHAT IS THAT, A GERMAN
SHEPHERD?"
YOU KNOW, "WAH, WAH!
WAH, WAH!"
I WAS LIKE, "THEY'RE SCREWED.
THEY'RE SO SCREWED."
SO A WEEK LATER, I RUSHED BACK
TO CHECK IN ON THEM AND THE
DEVICE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND IN
THE HOUSE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT IT BY
YOUR FRONT DOOR, SO IT SOUNDS
LIKE YOU OWN SCARY DOGS.
BUT MY MOM AND GRANDMOTHER,
THEY'RE SO PROUD.
THEY'RE LIKE, "GUESS WHAT?
THOSE GUYS NEVER CAME BACK.
THOSE GUYS NEVER CAME BACK."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, MOM.
BUT, UH, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE
DEVICE?"
AND SHE GOES, "OH, OUTSIDE."
"OUTSIDE?
WHERE IT'S VISIBLE?"
AND LO AND BEHOLD, I LOOK
OUTSIDE, AND THROUGH THEIR FRONT
GATE, YOU COULD EVEN SEE THAT
IT'S JUST THIS CD PLAYER-LOOKING
THING, JUST GOING, "WAH, WAH!
WAH, WAH!
WAH, WAH!"
AND I WAS LIKE, "MOM, THIS
DEFEATS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF YOU
LOOKING LIKE YOU OWN DOGS."
[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAYS, I
SWEAR TO GOD, THIS IS WHAT MY
MOM SAID.
SHE GOES, "OH, LIKE IT EVER
SOUNDED LIKE A REAL DOG IN THE
FIRST PLACE."
[LAUGHTER]
BITCH!
THAT IS SO BADASS.
SO, I WAS LIKE, "OKAY.
SO THIS WHOLE TIME YOU KNEW THAT
IT SOUNDED LIKE A CARTOON DOG
AND THAT NO ONE'S GONNA FALL FOR
IT?
SO YOU DECIDED TO LOOK EVEN
WILDER BY PUTTING IT ON THE
OUTSIDE?"
MIND TRICKS.
RIGHT?
I'M SURE THOSE GUYS CAME BACK
AND THEY WERE LIKE, "OH, NO,
THESE BITCHES ARE CRAZY."
YOU KNOW?
AND JUST NEVER CAME BACK.
SO I WENT BACK TO RYAN, I WAS
LIKE, "RYAN, WE NEED TO CONTINUE
USING MIND TRICKS TO SCARE OFF
THE INTRUDER.
WE NEED TO BORROW FROM OUR MOMS.
THEY KNOW BEST."
SO THE NEXT DAY, WE STARTED
BOOBY-TRAPPING OUR HOUSE,
"HOME ALONE" STYLE.
BEHIND THE ENTRANCE TO THE
BACKYARD, WE PUT UP A BUNCH OF
STICKS, SO IF THE GUY CAME BACK,
HE WOULD RUN INTO IT.
BEHIND THAT, WE PUT UP A CACTUS,
SO HE WOULD GET STUCK IN IT.
RYAN STARTED MAKING SIGNS THAT
SAID, "YOU ARE BEING WATCHED,"
THEN STARTED PUTTING IT
EVERYWHERE.
AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT.
REMEMBER, IF THERE'S ANYTHING WE
LEARNED FROM HAVING MOMS WITH
SCHIZOPHRENIA, WE HAVE TO LOOK
SCARIER THAN THE INTRUDER,
RIGHT?
MIND TRICKS.
'YOU ARE BEING WATCHED.'
THAT'S NOT SCARY ENOUGH.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
'I AM BEING WATCHED.'"
[LAUGHTER]
WE HAVE TO PUT UP SIGNS THAT
SAID, "I AM BEING WATCHED," AND
WE STARTED PUTTING IT
EVERYWHERE.
I ALSO PUT UP SIGNS THAT SAID,
"I WAS UNDOCUMENTED AND I NEVER
WANTED TO BE HERE ANYWAY."
I ALSO PUT A BLOODY TAMPONS
EVERYWHERE, TOO, WHERE IT WAS,
LIKE, "HA, HA, YOU THOUGHT YOU
WERE SCARY.
WELL, WELCOME TO SPLASH
MOUNTAIN."
[LAUGHTER]
AND, TO THIS DAY, THE GUY HASN'T
COME BACK.
YEAH.
OUR PLACE LOOKS WILD AS FUCK,
BUT THE GUY HASN'T COME BACK.
I SWEAR.
YEAH.
AND EVEN IF HE DID, YOU KNOW, I
THINK I WOULD HAVE ENOUGH
COURAGE TO GO CONFRONT HIM
MYSELF NOW.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING, WITH RYAN
VERY MUCH CLOSELY RIGHT BEHIND
ME.
AND WE'D PROBABLY LOOK HIM
STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND SAY
SOMETHING LIKE...
"YOU SKATE?"
[LAUGHTER]
AS HE CRUMBLES INTO CONFUSION.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M ATSUKO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, BROOKLYN.
THANK YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
EVERYONE, THIS IS MY GRANDMA,
AND RYAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]