Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school?
I'm supposed to be doing a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.
You go straight ahead and you make a left over the bridge.
That's a lovely accent you have.
New Jersey?
Austria.
Austria?
Well, then...
... good day, mate.
Let's put another shrimp on the barbie.
Let's not.
Who's got the Wiener Schnitzel?
Beautiful. There you go, Dolf.
There you go, buddy. Yeah, enjoy.
Let's see, next we got roast beef Au jus.
Who's got the roast beef Au jus?
Stella, beautiful. Bon appétit, Stella. Oui, oui.
Yeah, walk away. Go on, go on.
Last but not least, footlong.
Who's got the footlong?
Very... Very funny, Rascal.
Very funny. In your dreams.
Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show yet?
Sir, I didn't want to send them to a performance on an empty stomach, sir.
Get a move on it.
Yes, sir. Mutt Cutts. Ten-four.
Suck me sideways.
Hello. How are you?
Uh... Uh... Uh...
Yeah.
-I'll be out in one minute. -Okay, okay.
Why you going to the airport?
Flying somewhere?
-How'd you guess? -Well, I saw your luggage.
Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together.
-So where you headed? -Aspen.
Mm. California. Beautiful.
Name's Christmas, Lloyd Christmas.
I'm Mary Swanson.
This isn't my real job, you know.
-No? -Nope.
My friend Harry and I are saving up our money to open our own pet store.
That's nice.
I Got Worms.
-I beg your pardon? -That's what we're gonna call it.
I Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms.
You know, like ant farms?
What's the matter?
A little tense about the flight?
Something like that.
There's really nothing to worry about, Mary.
Statistically, you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport.
Like in a head-on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck.
That's the worst.
I have this cousin... Well, I had this cousin. He's like, pbbt.
Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?
Oh, yeah.
Good thinking.
Can't be too careful.
Lot of bad drivers out there.
Hey, watch it!
Okay, gang. You know the rules.
No humping, no pushing, no sniffing heinies.
Where have you been?
My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago.
Now, I hardly have any time to primp them.
Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Neugyburger.
-Neugeboren. -Neu... Neu... Neu...
-Boren. -Boren. These pooches...
... are not gonna need primping. You know why?
I'll tell you why. Because I bathed them...
... and I clipped them myself.
And I stand by my performance.
Judging moved to 3 p.m., ring 1.
On second thought, you might wanna run a comb through them.
The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
-Thanks. Here you go. -Oh, no, Mary.
I couldn't possibly accept that.
Not after all we've been through.
Thank you, Lloyd.
-Good luck with your worms. -Thanks.
Hey.
How about a hug?
The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
I hate goodbyes.
-Uh, Lloyd... -Shh.
Just go.
Be strong.
Mr. Dan Richard, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
She's gonna leave the briefcase near the escalator.
-You make the pickup. -Piece of cake.
Goodbye, my love
Bye.
Passenger Warren Passion, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
You have a message.
Passenger Warren Passion...
Mary!
There's our payday.
-She left it. Let's go. -Excuse me.
Coming through.
Move it or lose it, sister.
Hey!
Eeny, meeny, miney, Moe!
Hold that plane!
Sir, you can't go in there.
It's okay.
I'm a limo driver.
-Hi, Lloyd. -Hi, Harry.
How was your day?
Not bad. Fell off the Jetway again.
Who the hell do you figure this guy's working for, anyway?
I don't know...
... but we sure as hell better find out.
-The ulcer? -I'll live.
-So you got fired again, huh? -Oh, yeah.
They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Man, you are one pathetic loser.
-No offense. -No. None taken.
You know what really chaffs my ass, though?
I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog.
Hi, Petey.
-The alarm alone cost me 200. -Hey, chicks love it.
It's a shagging wagon.
What's with the briefcase?
It's a love memento.
The most beautiful woman alive.
I drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high.
She actually talked to me, man.
-Get out of here. -Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Tractor beam.
Sucked me right in.
Anyway...
... she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life.
What's in it?
Man, I would have to be a lowlife...
... to go rooting around in somebody else's private property.
Is it locked?
Yeah, really well.
There's two of them. One of them's got a gun.
Did you pay the gas bill?
-Hey... -Do you realize what you've done?
I'm sorry. I say we bail.
Okay.
Briefcase ain't here. He must have taken it with him.
Well, he's gotta come home sometime.
Maybe we should trash the place, send him a little message.
I don't think he's gonna get that message, Joe.
I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.
Yeah.
Oh, I got a better idea.
I thought I saw a pussy cat.
Oh, I did. I did. Come here.
I can't believe we drove around all day and there's not a single job in this town.
There is nothing, nada, zip.
Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.
-Pfft. -Here.
I'm gonna go to the store.
Okay, just get the bare essentials. That's the last of our dough.
Hey, what do I look like?
Cripes.
Excuse me, little old lady.
-Do you have change of a dollar? -Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't.
Well, could you do me a favor and watch my stuff here...
... while I go break a dollar?
-Of course. -Thanks.
Hey.
I guess they're right.
Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel...
... can still serve a purpose.
I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
Where's the booze?
I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart.
I didn't even see it coming.
Oh.
-Harry. -No.
Come on, Harry.
-Cheer up. -It gets worse, Lloyd.
My parakeet, Petey?
Yeah?
He's dead.
Oh, man. I'm sorry, Harry.
What happened?
His head fell off.
His head fell off?
Yeah, he was pretty old.
Oh.
That's it.
I've had it with this dump!
We got no food, we got no jobs...
... our pets' heads are falling off!
-Okay, just calm down. -What the hell are we doing here, Harry?
We gotta get out of this town.
Yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
I'll tell you where.
Someplace warm.
A place where the beer flows like wine.
Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.
I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I know what you're up to, mister.
Yeah, you just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase...
... and you need me to drive you there, right?
-Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd? -Yeah. So? Yeah. So?
So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody...
... who can plug us into the social pipeline.
No. No, no, no, Lloyd.
No. I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs and we keep saving our money...
... for the worm store.
I don't know about you, but I am getting sick and tired...
... of running from creditors.
You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry?
I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life.
I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.
But most of all...
... I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
Okay, Lloyd.
Aspen it is.
You'd better not be fooling.
Okay, okay.
Just let it out. Have a good cry. Come on.
Okay.
Okay, that's enough.
Lloyd, what are you doing?
It feels like you're running at an incredible rate, Harry.
Quit it. We're not through Connecticut...
-... and already you're annoying me. -I'm sorry.
We're really doing it, though, aren't we, buddy?
Hey, where did you get those?
I bought them when we filled up.
But wait, but you... We're supposed to talk about all expenditures, Lloyd.
We are on a very tight budget.
This didn't come out of our travel fund.
No, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Where did you get 25 extra bucks?
I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C.
-The blind kid? -Yeah.
Yeah.
What did you sell him, Lloyd?
Stuff.
What kind of stuff?
I don't know.
A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles...
... Petey.
Petey?
You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?
Lloyd, the... That... You... What are you...?
Petey didn't even have a head.
Harry...
... I took care of it.
Pretty bird.
Yeah, can you say "pretty bird"?
Pretty bird.
Yes, pretty bird.
Pretty bird.
Polly want a cracker?
Those rat bastards. They're rubbing it right in our faces.
Man, Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrhage if we don't get that briefcase back.
They must have been following us for weeks.
Why you say?
"Gas Man".
How the hell do they know that I got gas?
They gotta be pros.
Don't worry.
We're gonna get that money back.
And I'll tell you something else.
They ain't never getting to Aspen.
I'm gonna see to that.
They got the Monkees. They were a major influence on the Beatles.
Yeah, I know.
Excuse me, Flo?
Flo, like the TV show.
What is the Soup Du Jour?
It's the soup of the day.
Mm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
Anything else before I leave the area?
No. Yep, yes.
Yes, my soda's flat. It doesn't have any bubbles.
Happy now?
Feels good to mingle with these laid-back country folk, don't it, Har?
I like it a lot.
Uh-oh.
What? What's the matter?
You spilled the salt. That's what's the matter.
Spilling the salt is very bad luck.
We're driving across the country. The last thing we need is bad luck.
Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.
What the hell?
Uh-oh.
Too little too late, Harry.
Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
Well, oh, that... It was a terrible mistake, sir.
Please, believe me. I would never do anything to offend a man of your size.
Kick his ass, Sea Bass.
-Go ahead, Sea Bass. -You gonna eat that?
What, that? No. Yes. No.
Well, no. It crossed my mind. Yeah.
Still want it?
No, you go ahead.
You really wimped out, man.
What are you talking about, "wimped out"?
What, what, did you s...?
-The guy hooked on my burger. What...? -No, no, wait a second.
I think I just...
Yeah.
I just had an idea.
Follow me.
Excuse me, guys.
What the hell do you want?
I just want to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier.
My friend Harry and I would...
... like to buy you guys...
... a round of beers...
... just to bury the hatchet.
Make it four boilermakers.
Whatever you want, sir.
I'll have the waitress bring it over immediately.
-Lloyd, what are you doing? -Shh.
-We can't afford to buy them drinks. -Shh.
Excuse me.
Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check.
They said just put it on their tab.
They're very nice.
Sea Bass said that?
Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass...
All right, if that's what he wants.
-Put these on there too, okay? -You got it.
-Son of a...! -I'm gonna kill those sons of bitches!
That was genius, Lloyd. Sheer genius.
Where did you come up with a scam like that?
Saw it in a movie once.
That was incredible.
And what happened? So the guy tricks some sucker...
... into picking up his tab and gets away Scot-free?
No. In the movie...
... they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat.
It was a good one.
Wow. Mm.
-Harry? -What?
I know this isn't the best time, but when you get a chance to pull over...
-Yeah? -... I gotta pee.
What, are you crazy? I'm not pulling over now.
-But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do? -Well...
Whiz in one of the empty beer bottles in the back.
They're on the floor, just get one of...
Quit playing around.
What...? What...?
Shit.
-Watch the seat. -Okay.
-Watch the seat. -All right.
Ah.
Uh-oh.
What? What's wrong?
The bottle's almost full and I'm still going.
-So stop going. -I'm still...
I can't stop going once I've started. It stings.
-Quick, get me another bottle. -What?
Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry. Come on, come on.
-Here, here, here. Go. -Okay.
Hold that.
Hold that one.
Hurry, I'm pitching it.
What are you, a camel?
Pull over.
-Huh? -Pull over.
No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.
Yeah.
Killer boots, man.
Pull your vehicle to the side of the road.
License and registration, please.
You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say?
You...
You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you?
Sucking back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
-No. Oh, no, sir. No. -No, no, no.
Yeah, well, what's that?
-That's nothing, sir. -Yeah, nothing.
Well, are you aware that it's against the law...
... to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania?
Come on. Give me that booze, you little pumpkin-pie-haircutted freak.
Come on.
-Sir, no, I... Wait, wait, wait... -No, sir. Don't. Don't drink...
You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you, buddy.
Tic Tac, sir?
Get the hell out of here.
How could they not have gotten the ransom?
It just doesn't make sense.
I left the money exactly where they instructed me to.
Oh, it makes perfect sense, Mary.
We should have called the authorities the minute we knew Bobby was kidnapped.
-Helen, we've been through this already. -Mr. Andre.
-Nicholas. -Karl.
-Nick, Nick, Nick. -Nick.
Any word yet, sir?
No. Nothing yet, Nicholas.
I've been giving this a lot of thought.
Maybe we should cancel the preservation benefit this weekend.
It'll be so easy to re-schedule.
No, I don't think we should do anything out of the ordinary.
Yeah, she's right. It's imperative that we carry on as usual.
-Okay. -Especially you, Mary.
What am I supposed to do? Just go about my life like everything is fine?
-That's exactly what you should do. -Yes. Go skiing. Go to parties.
-Act normally, you know. -Yeah, don't you see, honey?
We can't let on that anything's wrong.
If the press or the authorities get wind of this, the kidnappers may panic.
I mean, you never know what they might do to him then.
So he said, "Do you love me?" And she says, "No"...
"... but that's a real nice ski mask".
Hey, man. What's that?
You want me to drive?
No, I'm cool.
Yes.
-Yeah. -You gonna get it.
Get her.
Oh, yeah, bitch.
This is the life.
Cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls.
There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
What's that?
If you had a nice set of knockers.
That's two things, Lloyd.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry...
... or I'll be banging you right now.
I'd show you what a real man can do.
Split you like an old piece of firewood.
You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up, woman.
Yes.
I don't know, Lloyd, this place doesn't really do it for me.
It brings back a lot of memories.
Pourquoi?
It was a few years ago.
What happened, Harry?
-Some little filly break your heart? -No, it was a girl.
Fraida Felcher.
We stayed in a place just like this. Wasn't this classy, but you know, nice.
Felcher?
From Cranston?
Yeah, you know her?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I remember you...
... talking about her.
We had the most incredibly romantic time.
I thought we were gonna be together forever, and then...
About a week later, out of the blue she sends me a John Deere letter.
-She give you any reason? -Yeah, I called her up.
She gave me bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough or something.
I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. But the thing that hurt the most...
... is I think she was seeing another guy.
Never did find out who.
Mr. Andre, guess who we just happened upon. Yeah. Yeah.
I had plans. I had things I wanted to do.
This is where it ends, in a phone booth.
Yeah, the boys are holed up in a little love nest for the night.
I think they're a little bit strange.
What the hell are these guys up to? I mean...
... is it possible they could be feds?
Highly unlikely from what I've seen.
Sir, did you ever hear of the concept of other people?
Me, being that, for the phone, sir...
You turned your back on me. Ooh, ooh!
He got me mad. I almost like it.
You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag so we could end this shit.
Here's your drink, baby.
-What I would... -The damage I can do to you.
-Hold on a minute. -Because you were spiteful. I didn't wanna...
That's not your problem. You didn't know.
Get off the phone.
Get off the pho...
I'm sorry, Mr. Andre, you were saying?
Look, Mental, these jokers have got a lot of money and it belongs to me.
I wanna know who they are. What they're doing with it.
Hey, hey, hey.
I told you already I'm on it. All right?
Good.
According to the map, we've only gone about four inches.
You know, I don't think we have enough gas money.
Relax. We have more than enough.
I think you're wrong, Lloyd.
How much you wanna bet?
I don't bet.
-What do you mean you don't bet? -I mean I don't bet.
-You know, I don't gamble. I don't... -Pussy, pussy.
-I never have and I never will. -Pussy, pussy...
Yeah, right.
I bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day.
No way.
-I'll give you 3-to-1 odds. -No.
-5-to-1. -No.
10-to-1?
You're on.
-I'm gonna get you. -Uh-uh.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you.
-Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. -Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Come on, Joe. Let me do them. Let me do both of them.
-You don't have to worry about it. -Just shut up.
Now, we don't even know who the hell they are.
You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule.
I want you to get up here, lie down on the front seat.
When they pick me up...
... you follow us. You got that?
Keep your shirt on. I gotta squeeze a lemon.
Hey, hey, hey. Here they come.
Stay down. Stay down.
Say, are you guys going to Davenport?
My car died and I'm late for a luncheon.
We usually don't pick up hitchhikers...
... but I'm gonna go with my instinct on this one.
Saddle up, partner.
You're it.
-You're it. -You're it, quitsies.
You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies. No startsies.
-You can't do that. -Can to.
-Can't. Stamped it. -Can too. Double stamped it. No erasies.
Cannot. Triple stamped it. No erasies. Touch blue, make it true.
You can't triple stamp a double stamp. You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd.
You can't triple stamp a double stamp. You... Lloyd. Lloyd.
Guys! Enough!
Hey.
Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Guys! Guys! Guys!
Fellas...
... you think we could listen to the radio or something?
Radio?
Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?
-Mock -Yeah
-Ing -Yeah
-Bird -Yeah
-Yeah
-Mockingbird, everybody have you heard? -Mockingbird, everybody have you heard?
-She's gonna buy me a mockingbird -She's gonna buy me a mockingbird
-And if that mockingbird don't sing -And if that mockingbird don't sing
-She's gonna buy me a diamond ring -She's gonna buy me a diamond ring
-And if that diamond ring don't shine -And if that diamond...
Lloyd, there's people who want a ride too.
Pick them up.
-Mock -Si
-Ing -Si
-Bird -Si
-Si -Si
You want an Atomic Pepper, Mr. Mentalino?
No.
You guys go ahead.
I'll do it if you Will, Lloyd.
Okay. You go first.
No. Uh-uh. No. You go first.
-No, you go first. No, you go first. -No, you go first.
-You go. I always go first. -Oh, yeah.
Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies...
... and go at the same time, huh?
-That sounds like a dare, Harry. -It's a double dare.
Yeah, okay. You're on.
-It's not so bad. -Well?
-It's more tingly than hot. -Yeah.
Now, if you fellas would excuse me, I gotta use the phone now.
Enjoy your meal, guys.
Here, Lloyd. This helps. Here, here.
It works good.
Yeah, it's Mental.
I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys.
How nice for you. Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left.
Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen.
Don't worry. They ain't gonna be running around nowhere...
... after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.
Good, good.
-That's good. -Here he comes. Here he comes.
-Feeling better, girls? -Yes, much better. Thank you for asking.
So why you going to Aspen? Vacation?
Why don't you eat up and we'll tell you.
It just doesn't seem like you packed much.
All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.
No, no, the briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at the airport.
We're just bringing it back to her. How's your burger?
You mean you don't even know her?
Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Are you okay, man? It was just a goof.
My ulcer.
Quick, quick, my pills.
Somebody should call an ambulance.
Look, you get the pills. Don't worry, I know CPR.
-I'll get the pills. -Out with the bad air, in with the good.
Out with the bad air...
No.
This is a lot easier if you just lay back.
Here, here.
-Here. -He's resisting me.
Here. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.
-Pills. Okay. -Here you go. There you go.
-Pills are good. Pills are good. -Drink them down. Drink them down.
-There you go. There you go, big guy. -That's better.
You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.
Yeah.
You son of a...
... bitch!
Check, please.
I can't believe it.
Life's a fragile thing, Har.
One minute you're chewing on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
But he blamed me.
You heard him. Those were his last words.
Not if you count the gurgling sound.
You mean he was poisoned?
No doubt about it.
They found these next to the body.
-Sir. -Yeah?
Waitress says he came in with a couple of younger guys.
Now they are the ones that called the ambulance and then they hit the road.
-Any idea where they were going? -We just received a report.
They were seen headed west on I-80 towards Colorado.
Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Yes, sir.
They're driving an '84...
Sheepdog.
Skis, huh?
-That's right. -Great.
They yours?
Uh-huh.
Both of them?
Yeah.
Cool.
Excuse me, but you... You're spraying everywhere.
Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.
If it ain't my old friend.
You're right on time.
That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
Oh, I'm moving to Aspen.
I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz.
Plus my astrologer told me that I really should
stay away from accident-prone guys. So...
Well, you know, I...
Here, it's a little loose. You might wanna...
-Thank you. -No, hey, no. Allow me.
I've got... a thing of thing... Here, got them right here. Right here.
Thank you.
Sure. You know, I'm heading up to Aspen myself.
Maybe we could, you know, meet up, have some hot chocolate or something.
Sure, why not.
You seem harmless.
I'm gonna give you my number.
-Let me find a pen though. -Great.
Let's see. I know I have one in here somewhere.
Look, just tell it to me. I got a really good memory.
-Well, the number's 555... -555.
... 905... Wait a minute, that's my old number.
That is so weird how your mind goes blank...
For God's sakes just give me the damn number!
Okay, look, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it.
Find a happy place.
I'll show you a happy place.
Here's your happy place.
Go around now. Go around.
-All right. Any sign of them? -No sir, but we're expecting them shortly.
A motorist saw a pooch about 30 miles back headed this way.
Look, I told you what happened, okay? So just drop it.
Yeah, okay. Sure thing, Lloyd. Sure thing.
I promise not to mention another word about...
... being in a bathroom with a 6'4" trucker with his pants down.
Hey, look, we're almost in Colorado.
What do you say we change seats? I've been driving for nine straight hours.
I don't have the energy to start a new state.
-Why should I do you any favors? -I'll let you kiss me.
I swear I'm gonna...
Take your... I'm gonna... Swear to God I'm gonna take...
-Oh, don't... -Don't touch me.
I'm done, okay. Enough.
Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right.
Well, see you later.
Hey, Harry, I got some beef jerk...
Some people just weren't cut out for life on the road.
Hey.
I was wondering when you were gonna get up.
Well, how long have I been out?
I'd say a good five hours.
Huh. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
I was thinking the same thing.
That John Denver is full of shit, man.
I'm only human, Harry.
Anybody can make a mistake.
Come on.
Stop being a baby.
So we backtracked a tad.
A tad?
A tad, Lloyd?
You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction!
Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen.
We don't have enough money to get home! We don't have enough money to eat!
We don't have enough money to sleep!
Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whining about it.
We're in a hole.
We're just gonna have to dig ourselves out.
Okay. Right. You're right.
You're absolutely right, Lloyd.
Where you going?
Home. I'm walking home.
Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Perfect!
I guess I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake.
Harry!
Hey!
Harry. Wait up.
Got room for one more if you still wanna go to Aspen.
Where did you find that?
Some kid back in town.
Traded the van for it, straight up.
I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.
You know, Lloyd...
... just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber...
... you go and do something like this...
... and totally redeem yourself!
-Still wanna go to Aspen? -Oh, yeah.
-Okay. Let's go, buddy. -Super!
-Lloyd, no, west. Go west, Lloyd. -Oh, yeah.
I got... I gotta stop and go to the bathroom.
Just go, man.
That sure is warm.
We're there.
Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?
Isn't this incredible?
-What more could two single guys ask for? -How about some food?
I swallowed a big June bug when we were driving. I'm not really hungry.
Yeah, well, I'm starving.
Jeez, look at the butt on that.
Yeah.
He must work out.
Hey. Why don't we get busy and deliver the briefcase to Mary.
If I know her as well as I think I do, she'll invite us in for tea and strumpets.
Good plan. Where does she live?
I don't know.
What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Uh...
You know, I don't really recall.
It starts with an S.
Swim, Swamie, Slippy...
... Slappy, Slimin, Solmon, Simmon...
... Swan, Swenson, Swanson?
-Maybe it's on the briefcase. Look on... -Yeah. It's right here.
Samsonite. I was way off.
I knew it started with an S, though.
I'm not seeing it here, Lloyd.
She must be unlisted.
Great.
So, what are we supposed to do now?
I can't feel my fingers anymore, Lloyd.
They're numb.
Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Extra gloves?
You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
Yeah. We're in the Rockies.
I'm going to kill you.
What?
I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you, Lloyd.
-Calm down. -Right now. I'm gonna kill you.
Harry, you got that crazy look in your eye.
-I know what I'm gonna do. -What are you doing?
I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.
Don't do anything foolish, Harry.
What? Foolish? This isn't foolish.
I'm gonna toss this damn curse right into that damn pond.
-You're an asshole. No! Harry! -I'm gonna do it.
Stop!
Harry...
... your hands are freezing.
Harry. Look.
Look. Look.
Okay, here's the plan.
We borrow a few bucks, just a small loan, from the briefcase...
-... and we find some reasonable lodgings. -Good plan.
We'll keep track all the money we spend with IOU's.
We'll be meticulous to the last penny. Whatever we borrow, we pay back.
-Absolute... We're good for it. -Our word is our bond.
This is the Hotel Danbury presidential suite, gentlemen.
Normally reserved for royalty, visiting dignitaries...
... illustrious stars of stage and screen.
We have shortly coming the emperor and empress of Japan.
And of course, Prince Charles and Di when they were together...
-... used to frequent the hotel constantly. -We'll take it.
There you go.
-There you go. -Thank you, sir.
There you go.
Hi.
-Rain brought them to him. -My mother was Sarah Carver.
Although at the time he wasn't sure he wanted to accept the gift.
Ned, do you think he'll let us stay?
No, this place is ugly anyway. You and me, we're family.
I promise never to take you away.
And no one's ever gonna break us apart.
At Pacific Bell, we believe that's pretty special.
Oh, boy. This is living, huh?
-Yeah. -What's on next?
I don't know. Let me look it up.
Lloyd, you okay?
Harry...
... it's Mary.
-Who? -Mary. With the briefcase?
"Mary Swanson".
"Swanson. Will host a newl"...
-"Host annual". -"Host"...
"... annual"
-"Annual". -"... annual meeting of"...
"T... T... Tehe... Teh"...
-"The". Yeah. -"... the"...
-"... inter..." -It's a big one.
"International Preservationists Society tomorrow night".
Well, come on, Cinderella, we gotta get you ready for the ball.
Yeah!
Thanks, Barn.
-There you go. -Thank you, sir.
You're right.
Okay, okay, okay.
-Cripes. -Yes, yes, yes.
Time out.
Okay, time out. Whatever.
Excuse me, gentlemen. This is a $500-a-plate dinner. Good night.
Oh, 500. Oh, okay. All right, no problem.
Here, put us down for... Put us down for four.
In case we want seconds.
Jesus Christ.
It's them.
-Them who? -Them. The guys who whacked Mental.
Can't you just feel it, Harry?
This is our big chance, man.
All we gotta do is show a little class, a little sophistication...
-... and we're in like a dirty shirt. -No problem.
We can be classy and sophis... Look at the funbags on that hosehound.
I'd like to eat her liver...
... with some farver beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Come on. Let's go get a couple bowls of loudmouth soup.
Yeah.
-Hey, bartender, two martinis, please. -Yes, sir. Right away.
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.
The Aspen Preservation Society is the world's foremost defender...
... of 23 endangered species.
And it is with tremendous honor that we're able to bring Mr. Swanson forward to...
... introduce us to the 24th, everybody. Karl.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen...
... I give you the Icelandic Snow Owl.
These magnificent specimens...
... constitute one-seventh of the snow owl population left on the planet.
And God willing...
... with your help and that of the Society's...
... these wonderful creatures will flourish once more.
Thank you again and enjoy your evening.
Could I have some pistachios, please?
And another one of those.
Lloyd, what are you doing? Would you calm down? I've never seen you so nervous.
Keep an eye on them, Shay.
Keep a close eye.
I'm ready for commitment, Harry.
First time I set eyes on Mary Swanson...
... I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling...
... where I'd do anything to bone her.
-That's a special feeling, Lloyd. Yeah. -Oh, yeah?
Oh, my. There she is.
Wow, you weren't kidding, Lloyd.
She's an angel.
What are you waiting for? Get over there and talk to her.
She's gonna think I'm a psycho when she finds out how far I came just to see her.
You know what you have. Her briefcase.
She's gonna be thrilled to see you.
Wait, I have an idea.
Why don't you go over and introduce yourself...
... and that way you can build me up so I won't have to brag about myself later.
Tell her I'm rich and I'm good-looking and I have a rapist wit.
No. I don't know, I don't know... No. I don't think I could.
-No, I'm not... I'm not... That's not... -Come on, please. Oh, Har, please.
-Please. -Okay, okay, okay, stop.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna hang by the bar...
... put out the vibe.
Okay.
Nice set of hooters you got there.
-I beg your pardon. -The owls. They're beautiful.
Oh.
Yeah.
Are you a bird lover?
Me? Oh, no. Well, I used to have a parakeet...
... but now my main area of expertise is canines.
Dogs, to the layperson.
Thanks.
I love dogs too.
-So how are you involved with them? -Oh, I... You know, I've trained them.
You know, bathed them, clipped them. I've even bred them.
Oh, really? Any unusual breeding?
No, mostly just doggie style.
One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih Tzu.
Really? That's weird.
Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
Oh, I'm... Anyway, the real reason I came over here was to...
I gotta introduce you to a buddy of mine.
Oh, Mary, I don't believe I've met your friend.
Oh, well, actually, we haven't been properly introduced.
My name is Mary Swanson.
-Hi, Harry Dunne. Hi. -Hi, nice to meet you.
This is my stepmother, Helen.
Hi, Harry Dunne. Pleasure to meet you both.
Well, I saw you come in. I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you.
-You were? Really. -Yes.
That tuxedo, it's fabulous.
Really, I love a man with a sense of humor.
Really. And so does Mary. It's hysterical.
-Really? -Oh, yes.
Anyway, yeah, about my friend... What are you doing tomorrow?
Mary is looking for someone to hit the slopes with.
She what? Huh?
Helen, you're embarrassing me.
Yeah, well, you are.
After all, the snow's gonna be gone in a couple of weeks...
... and this may be your last chance.
The poor thing, she never gets a chance to get out.
Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne? Are you available?
-Oh, well, I don't know. See, my friend... -Forget about your friend for one day.
I think you kids will have a wonderful time. What do you say?
Well, you know, I don't know, you know, you know, the thing, part... Sure, what time?
How come you didn't bring her over?
Relax, you're golden. I got you a date with her tomorrow.
Oh, you are... What? I can't... I can't... This... I love you, man.
Okay, okay, you're kissing me.
-You're kissing me, Lloyd... -I love you.
Oh, God.
This calls for a little of the bubbly.
-You're gonna be my best man, Har. -Oh, good.
-I promise. -Thank you.
You have just earned yourself a seat at the head table, pal.
And we already got the tuxes.
Boy, this party really died.
Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.
"Hey, maybe it was a coincidence".
It was a message, Shay, pure and simple.
I mean, we killed their bird. Now they killed one of ours.
How could anybody whack a bird with a cork?
These guys aren't just anybody.
They're good.
Mary Christmas.
Mrs. Mary Christmas.
Kind of catchy, huh, Har?
Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice, Lloyd...
... but, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit?
I mean, you know. Who knows?
Maybe once you get to know her, you'll find out that she's not your type.
Hey!
Don't you ever say that again.
She is the love of my life!
The blood in my veins.
We belong together!
Till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide...
... or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?
Okay, okay, okay. Lloyd, just calm down.
Just calm down.
Okay.
Now.
Let me get this straight.
Lobby bar in the lobby.
Yeah, that's what she said. She'll meet you there at 10:00 sharp.
-Okay. -Okay.
Where you going in that getup?
I just thought when, you know, you'd be off making your love connection...
... I'd be out, trying my luck on the slopes.
You mean you're gonna go out in public dressed in tights?
No, these aren't tights, Lloyd.
These are fashionable Eurotrash ski trousers.
Pretty revealing.
Really?
Yeah, but it's just a tiny lump. No one will notice.
You're right. I can't go out dressed like this.
Hey! Coming!
Nice going, buddy.
Ma'am.
Beautiful outfit, sir.
There you go.
Hey.
How you doing?
You're a little early. We don't open for about 45 minutes.
I'm meeting someone here.
Mind if I wait at the bar?
No, come on in.
It's a beautiful day, huh, Harry?
Yes, yes, I've had a wonderful time so far. Thank you.
God, it feels so good to get up here.
I haven't been outside that much in the last couple of weeks.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
There's been some family problems...
... but I don't wanna bore you with those.
Thanks.
Oh, look. Frost.
Harry?
-Are you okay? -Oh, yeah. I just... I do this all the time.
Hi there.
Say, kids.
You wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you?
Excuse me.
Is it 10 a.m. yet?
It's 1.
That's what I have too.
I thought maybe it was fast.
She's running late, huh?
Just a couple hours.
You know girls.
When they're excited about something...
... everything has to be perfect.
This one's on me.
Yippee.
Chablis, please.
Hello.
Bad day, huh?
Me too.
Of course, everything's been bad since I broke up with my boyfriend.
My God.
You poor guy. Does it hurt?
Oh, no. I'm fine. I saved a seat for you.
Oh, no. Listen, this is silly.
-Let me help you. -No, no, no.
It will only hurt for a moment, like a Band-Aid.
-Come on, ready? -No, no, no.
-No. -Come on. Go.
Let go! Help! Help!
Come on. Come on, come on...
What am...?
I said to myself, "Run, Beth. Run for your life before this man kills you both".
Then do you know what the klutz did?
No, and I don't care.
I'm gonna tell you. He came home one night dead drunk...
... and decided he wanted to fix the sink. I couldn't believe him.
Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you. How come you're here?
-Bartender. -How come?
Yeah?
You wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you?
Mary Swanson?
Yeah, she comes in here all the time.
-What's that supposed to mean? -She has dinner.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Do you know where she lives?
Yeah, her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive.
Alpine Drive?
Big place?
No way.
That's great.
We landed on the moon!
I've gotta tell you, today was just what I needed.
Thanks a lot, Harry.
Oh, it was...
It was my pleasure, Mary.
So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?
Well, no. I got a few things to take care of first.
But why don't we make it quarter to 8?
Stop it.
Okay, 7:45.
Bye.
It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd. She told me 10:00 sharp.
Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure.
Lobby bar, right in the lobby.
Well...
Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Oh, that pisses me off. That pisses me right off.
I hate when women do that, you know?
She wanted to see you again. She told me that.
And now, no? Now... Wait a minute. Wait.
She must have meant 10:00 at night.
Do you think?
Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10 in the morning?
I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
Oh, that's the...
And all this time I've been going through such pain and personal anguish.
Such hell, for nothing.
Oh, God, that's funny. Oh, that's good stuff.
Oh, boy. Well, listen, looks like you got your night planned...
... so I'm gonna head out, catch a flick.
Okay.
Ten in the morning.
Hey, Harry, old buddy, old pal.
Yeah?
Will you join me in a good-luck toast before you head out?
Oh, sure thing. Whatever you think will help your chances.
Yes, sirree.
You know why I like you, Harry?
Because you're a regular guy.
Yep.
That's why I want you to stay regular.
One half-teaspoon for fast, effective relief.
To my friend, Harry...
... the matchmaker.
Get out of here. I'm... I've...
Mm. Mm-mm.
Hi, the door's open. Come on upstairs.
-Hi. -Hi.
Hi. Make yourself at home. I'm almost ready. One minute?
-Okay. Sounds good. -Okay.
Harry? Are you in there?
Be right out.
I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.
Huh?
The toilet doesn't flush.
No, I was just shaving.
Shaving?
Yeah, I-I was running a little late. I thought this would save some time.
Okay.
I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready.
Oh, jeez.
Tomorrow on A Current Affair...
... inside the home of the Menendez brothers' attorney.
And next, we'll be back in a minute...
... with the heartbreaking story of the blind Rhode Island boy...
... who was duped into buying a dead parakeet.
I just thought he was real quiet.
Who are these sick people?
-Hi. -Hi.
Yes?
Remember me?
Not really.
Providence. Providence.
I drove you to the airport last week.
Oh, my God.
Lloyd, right?
You remembered my name.
What are you doing in Aspen?
I brought you your briefcase.
You left it at the airport, you big goof.
-You have my briefcase? -Yeah.
Hey, I have it at my hotel room.
Wanna jump on the bike with me? We can go get it. Unless...
Unless you're busy. I'll...
-Oh, no. No. -No... No, I don't wanna...
-You just wait right here, okay? -Okay.
Come on, flush, you bastard.
Harry, what are you doing in there?
Uh... Uh... I'm just... I'm cleaning my teeth.
Harry?
I'm gargling.
Just give me a minute, Mary. I'll be right with you.
Harry, I'm sorry, but something important has come up and I've got to run out.
It's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later.
-But, Marry? -I'm sorry, Harry.
I-I've really got to go. I promise we'll do this again sometime.
Race you to the top.
Come here.
Yeah!
I won.
Look familiar?
-I don't believe it. You really have it. -Of course I have it.
When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport...
... he makes sure she gets all her luggage. That's my whole philosophy.
This is incredible.
You mean to say you drove 2000 miles just for me?
I didn't really have a lot to do, you know...
... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.
That is so sweet, Lloyd.
Look, Mary.
I know this may seem a little sudden but I've given it a lot of thought.
You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life...
... and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Please...
... let me finish.
I'm crazy about you.
I've never felt this way about anybody.
Listen to me. I feel like a schoolboy again.
A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Mary.
I desperately wanna make love to a schoolboy.
-Maybe I should be going. -No, no.
No, I've...
That's not what I meant.
What I meant was...
... I like you, Mary.
I like you a lot...
... and I wanna ask you a question, straight out, flat out...
... and I want you to give me the honest answer.
What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me...
... ending up together?
Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...
Hit me with it. Just give it to me straight.
I came a long way just to see you, Mary. Just...
The least you can do is level with me.
What are my chances?
Not good.
You mean "not good" like one out of a hundred?
I'd say...
... more like one out of a million.
So you're telling me there's a chance.
Yeah!
I read you.
Hi.
We have plenty of towels. Thanks.
Nicholas. What are you doing here?
I've been looking for you, Mary. I have some news about your husband.
Husband?
Wait a minute.
What was all that one-in-a-million talk?
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
Hey, Harry. You never called.
What are you doing here?
Excuse me, gunman.
-Who are you? -Oh, don't play dumb with me, asshole.
I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase that you've been carrying around.
Oh, well, then.
Nicholas, my family trusted you.
Shut up.
Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase.
My friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.
What are you talking about?
You open it up. Open it up.
Go ahead. Open it up.
Do what he says.
Hurry.
What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
That's as good as money, sir.
Those are IOU's.
Go ahead and add it up. Every Cent's accounted for.
Look.
See this? That's a car.
Two hundred and seventy-five thou. Might wanna hang on to that one.
You're a dead man. You're a dead man!
Lloyd?
I'm home.
Look, we've gotta have a serious talk.
I got a confession to make.
Oh, good. You found her. I'll leave you two alone.
No, stay.
Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket to Amsterdam...
... departing as soon as possible, please.
Okay, how do you guys know each other?
-We used to be best friends. -Yeah, until he turned into a backstabber.
Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve.
-You knew I was crazy about her. -Yeah.
You knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher...
... and that didn't stop you, did it?
What do you mean?
"What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd.
Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler.
Okay, what time does it...? What time does that leave?
Thank you. Hey, wait a second.
Can I have a vegetarian meal?
I guess, we both learned a little something about each other today, didn't we?
Yeah, you said it, pal.
We're not as good friends as we thought we were.
Yeah, guess not.
I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this...
... then our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe, we should call quits right now.
-You just tell me where to sign, bud. -Right on my ass, after you kiss it.
Kiss it? You kiss mine. Both cheeks, both lips, right here.
-Come on, come on. Put it right... -Shut up.
Now, which one of you losers wants to get it first?
Over here.
I was the one that got you into this whole mess.
Come on, shoot me.
No, wait.
Wait, no, no. Do me first.
-I stole your girl, Lloyd. I deserve it. -No, you don't.
-Yes, I do. Yes, I do. -No, you don't. No, you don't!
Yes, I do. Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.
Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Okay, kill him.
Oh, no.
You killed my best friend, you bastard!
Well, if it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited.
Harry.
You're alive!
And you're a horrible shot.
-Lucky me. -Police officers! Nobody move!
Everybody freeze! All right, get those hands up!
Not you, dummy.
-Get the gun. -Look out, look out.
Special Officer Beth Jordan, FBI.
Hey. Who? But... Huh?
Mr. Dunne, thank you very much. We couldn't have done it without you.
We've been following you guys all the way from Providence.
What's going on, Harry?
Your name is Harry, isn't it?
Yeah, she grabbed me down in the lobby, explained what was up...
... and then they slapped this bulletproof vest on me and gave me a gun.
But what if he shot you in the face?
What if he shot me in the face?
That's a risk we were willing to take.
How come I didn't get a gun?
Did you get a gun?
You were right, Lloyd.
She was definitely worth the trip.
Yeah.
She's something, ain't she, Har?
I'm glad we were able to help her out.
Yep.
-Bobby. -Easy, easy.
-You're okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -I'm okay, I'm just a little sore.
-Oh, sweetie. -Oh, baby, I missed your loving.
There's someone I want to introduce you to.
He's kindest, gentlest man I've ever met. Will you meet him?
-Sure. -Okay.
He's got a gun!
-Die! -Lloyd, Lloyd.
Huh?
I said, this is my husband, Bobby.
-Oh. Hi, Bobby. -Hi.
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you. Thank you both very much.
I owe you both a debt of gratitude.
Thank you.
I can't believe this, Lloyd.
First, Mary dumps us, then the cops take our nest egg...
... and then our hog breaks down.
Yeah. When are we ever gonna catch a break?
Hi, y'all.
Hey, guys.
We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys...
... who can grease us up before each competition.
You are in luck.
There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
-Okay, thanks. -Bye.
Do you realize what you've done?
-Hey. Wait! -Lloyd!
Lloyd!
You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow.
The town is back that way.
Wow.
Two lucky guys are gonna be driving around...
... with those girls for the next couple of months.
Yeah.
Don't worry, we'll catch our break too.
Just gotta keep our eyes open.
Yep.
You're it.
-You're it. -You're it. Quitsies.
-You're it. Anti-quitsies, double stamp. -You're it. Anti-quitsies, triple stamp.
-No erasies. Not at all. -You can't triple stamp.
-You can't triple stamp a double stamp. -Yes. Yes, you can.
You can't triple stamp a... Lloyd, you can't triple a double stamp.
You can't triple stamp. That's the rule. You can't triple.
You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd. Lloyd! Lloyd!