Goat Man took me on my first trek when I was 11.
Not long after that, he taught me how to do bong hits.
It doesn't matter where we go on these treks.
We just wander.
Goat Man says it's the journey that counts.
Which I know is cliché.
In a few days, I leave for the prep school my father went to.
Goat Man's calling this my "farewell trek."
He says I should soak up as much of the Sonoran sun as I can.
But he's the one doing most of the soaking.
You won't have all this at Gates Academy.
Naked men shouldn't squat.
Do you ever worry about your parents?
Did you ever?
No.
Not really.
Wendy will be fine.
I'll watch her.
Goat Man once told me that in certain Native American tribes,
an elder leads a young man out into the wilderness to fend for himself
until he has a vision.
She never lets me milk her.
In one tribe, if no vision comes they'll chop off a fingertip
and sacrifice it to the Great Spirit.
Thanks.
Goat Man says I'm not quite ready for this rite of passage.
Sorry I messed up the trek, Goat Man.
It's not your fault.
I should have never let you come out here with brand new boots.
I should have oiled them and let you walk around in them
for a couple days before coming out here.
Goat Man was my parents' friend first.
My mother claims she can't remember how they met,
but Goat Man told me he used to sell them peyote.
At one point Goat Man was broke,
so in exchange for cleaning the pool and taking care of the landscaping,
they let him live in our pool house.
When I was a baby, my father left
and Goat Man stayed.
My mom hasn't paid a bill in her entire life.
Yet somehow she always knows
how much money she has in her trust fund.
Ten more minutes.
I'm going away to school, Frieda.
I need you to listen to Goat Man while I'm gone.
This is my neighbor Aubrey.
She's hot, yes,
but at the risk of sounding like a misogynist...
I see you, Ellis!
What, are you jacking off back there?
...she's sort of a rancid bitch.
No, Frieda just stopped to eat.
- That's a goat. - You're so dead!
Pervert!
Ignore the pain.
Luckily, her meatheaded boyfriend was barefoot.
Messed up feet and a big cut on your forehead.
Not a very good send off.
Thanks, Goat Man.
Are you packed yet?
Yeah, I finished this morning.
I prepared a bag of buds for you.
That shit'll cream your spinach.
Ever heard of security checks?
I'll mail it to you.
My roommate better be cool.
He could have the best weed on the East Coast.
Probably a Facebook addict with halitosis.
My boy's leaving me tomorrow.
Leaving me for the big bad world of Gates Academy.
Ellis, your feet are all red!
From my new hiking boots.
Figures Fucker Frank would send you third-rate hiking boots.
- Tightwad. - Those are, like, $300 boots from Italy.
I wish I had a pair.
That's not good parenting.
He should try calling you once in a while,
at least pretend to care.
I ordered you 14 Oxford shirts.
You'll barely ever have to do laundry.
- Okay? - Thanks.
Not to mention everything else that I bought you.
I appreciate it.
You don't have to leave, you know.
You can still change your mind.
You act like I'm going off to war.
You don't get it, do you? You don't get it.
- I'm sad. - You still have me.
Jav!
I paid 700 extra to the electric company,
so you won't have to worry about that for another three months.
All the other bills are paid, and I renewed the insurance on the Volvo.
You don't even know how much I'm going to miss you.
You don't know. You don't know. You don't know.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
A lot.
Mom.
My flight's in two hours.
The white zone is for
immediate loading and unloading of passengers...
You don't have to wait.
My flight's not, like, for another hour.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Go on. The goats are roasting in there.
I'll be fine.
You take care of Wendy, all right?
- I'll call you once I get there... - Don't worry.
Many rivers to cross, partner.
Bye, guys. Be good.
- I think Frieda ate a map. - Bullshit.
Frieda!
Damn it.
Wendy has referred to my father as "Fucker Frank"
for as long as I can remember.
So you can imagine her reaction when I told her
I had secretly applied and was accepted here,
the same prep school he went to.
So I heard this story about this guy who went to Berkeley,
and every night when he would go to sleep,
he would wake up and his ass would be sore.
So after three months of this, 'cause it got really bad,
he decided to go to the doctor and try to find out what's going on.
And the doctor said, "Well, have you been having any anal sex lately?
"Because that's what it looks like your ass has been doing."
And the guy's like, "No, no. I'm straight. Why would I be doing that?"
So the guy calls the cops to see if they can maybe figure out what's going on,
and it turns out that his roommate
was knocking him out with colorform every single night
and butt fucking him. Crazy, right?
Can I hang this on the door?
You must be Barney Cannel.
Yes, sir.
I was hoping Wilt Chamberlain there was Barney Cannel.
How tall are you, son?
I was 5'10" last time I checked.
- I'm out of shape, though. - Get in shape. Run for us.
I don't think I'd be any good.
Come on, don't tell me you're not going to play any sports.
I haven't really thought about it.
Well, think about it.
Dough boy, we practice every day from 3:00 to 4:00.
You miss two, you're off the team.
Yes, sir.
Where are you going to go to college?
My brother Todd, he goes to Yale.
That's where I'm going. Yale.
- Are you serious? - Is that guy homeless?
No. He's a botanist.
And a goat trekker.
Is he your dad?
No.
You're only supposed to be buttoned up for the convocation, moron.
Welcome to Gates, boys.
Hi, I'm Barney Cannel, Todd Cannel's younger brother.
Right.
Todd told me to tell you that he very much enjoys Yale.
Thank you.
- And you're Ellis Whitman? - Yes, sir.
Dr. Eldridge. We're happy to have you at Gates.
Your father Frank and I were roommates, you know,
and I was lucky enough to run with him senior year.
My father ran for student government?
He was class president, but I meant cross-country.
We were on the cross-country team together.
How is he?
He's fine, I guess.
You look like him, you know.
Tell him to give me a phone call, will you?
- Yeah, sure. - See you, boys.
Hey, I didn't know Eldridge and your dad boned.
It's been 23 days and four hours since I last got high.
The one kid I thought was a stoner here
turned out to just be a slob.
There's no good Mexican food in a 200-mile radius.
Goat Man's been incommunicado.
And when my classless, Teletubby of a roommate
isn't whining about his grades,
he's copying my homework.
Sorry.
I shouldn't even be here.
Our secret.
You know that one girl who works in the dining hall?
The one who Rosenberg says is a prostitute?
That trashy townie chick?
She's always sneaking in the library and using our shit.
Todd told me she is a prostitute.
She'll do juniors and seniors for, like, 50 bucks.
Your brother's full of shit.
At least he's not a drug addict who hangs out with goats all day.
Pot's not addictive.
Todd writes me and sends me letters.
Mr. Goat hasn't sent you shit.
His name's Goat Man, asshole.
Whitman. Come here.
I thought we weren't supposed to talk to each other out here.
Only if you're going to go jerk off.
Rosenberg's from Maui.
He's one of three Jews on the island.
He can't seem to get better than a C in any of his classes,
but he's smart enough to get his weed through airport security.
Man, I knew you were a stoner.
- How? - I saw your High Times calendar
and Barney said you smoke up with your gardener.
He's not my gardener. He's...
Mr. Rosenberg.
Mr. Cannel's roommate.
Enjoying a little cannabis, I see and smell.
Just me, sir. Rosenberg didn't have any.
He was actually trying to convince me to...
I'll deal with you later.
I need a moment alone to talk to the tall one.
Keep it moving.
Well.
Looks like you'll be enjoying cross-country after all.
We practice at 3:00 tomorrow.
Pick it up, fellas. Pick it up!
I have bowels that run faster than you, let's move!
Come on, Quadzilla, pick it up.
I can't.
You can't or you won't?
You weren't joking. You really are out of shape?
I have blisters.
Did those blisters stop you from hiking into the woods
to smoke weed with Rosenberg?
Move it, move it, move it!
Five more hills, let's go!
Hounds misses Sharky.
Let go.
Her teeth!
Here comes Mrs. Sharky!
Let go!
That one scares me a little bit.
Who are you?
I'm Bennet, Wendy's lover.
Boy, oh, boy.
Oh, yeah.
Must be nice, Javier, living here.
Rent-free, just cleaning the pool.
Taking care of the landscaping. No worries.
It is nice.
That's your name, isn't it? Javier?
Sure.
That's so funny, you don't look like a Javier.
Right, Wendy told me about your goat treks.
Where do you go?
- I wander. - Where?
I can't be specific.
Why not?
It's my job.
What do you do?
I'm an artist.
Do you get high?
I've moved beyond that.
Sadness.
Hey! Quit it, Lance!
It's about time.
What's up?
I got a package to mail.
Hey, is this enough stamps?
If this is what I think it is, you might as well
just go check yourself into prison right now.
Once I handed it to you, I was home free.
Not even close. How's Ellis out there, anyway?
I haven't heard from him yet, but I'm sure he's okay.
What about all my stamps?
Peel them off.
Hey, you wanna get high?
I can't today.
Hey, leave it.
All right, come on, goats.
Shit!
I don't know why you're surprised.
All stoners are unreliable. He's not going to send you anything.
Shut the hell up.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I haven't seen him in years,
and he thinks I'm just gonna show up on his doorstep?
Well, at least your dad sends you letters.
Mine's not allowed to.
Look, I'll be down there in DC for Thanksgiving, too.
We can hang out and party in Georgetown.
What are you going to do?
Sit around here and wait for pot in the mail that probably won't come?
Don't stay here.
It's not gonna be any fun.
You're gonna do nothing.
And you're just gonna get depressed, all right?
Come to DC with me.
What about her?
Go ahead and ask her.
We both will.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Please don't call me ma'am. I'm barely 31.
May we ask you a favor?
Let me guess, you go to Gates,
and you want me to buy you beer or cigarettes or porno.
Just Budweiser. A six pack of Budweiser.
Bottles or cans?
- Cans. - Bottles.
Bottles.
Then she made me and Todd watch a slide show on her laptop
of my dad kissing another man on Poodle Beach in Rehoboth.
"There's your father, boys.
"There's your father and his boyfriend, in love."
Then she came over and made Todd say,
"My dad's a faggot."
I wouldn't say it, so she tried to move my jaw
and that's when she burnt me with her cigarette.
By mistake.
- My mailman's gay. - My dad's not gay.
That was just a phase. He lives with some woman in Houston now.
I'm not allowed to see him.
I don't know if my dad's in New York or DC.
- He's always with some new slut... - I gotta pee.
Shit.
Fucker Frank.
Runners, come on, let's go. Knees up!
Hello?
Who's this?
Let me talk to Wendy.
Tell me who this is.
Hello?
Is this 520-887-4311?
Who is this?
Put Goat Man on.
Tell me who this is.
My mom has a new asshole boyfriend.
She'll have a meltdown if I go to Frank's.
So you'll stay here and eat depressing meals with the teachers
and their grubby families?
Come to DC.
That one question where you're supposed to find out
how many grandchildren does Mrs. Smith have,
I kept getting negative six.
Yeah, Mrs. Smith and her grandchildren can suck my dick.
Some dick got a 96 and messed up the curve.
Ellis and I studied our asses off all night, and I only got a 73.
What'd you get, Ellis?
- Ninety-six. - Douche.
Hey, here's my girl.
I see her here every Tuesday and Thursday at this time.
Yeah, after she's done servicing the juniors and seniors.
- You're an asshole, Barney. - Shut the hell up.
Hi, Ellis.
Hey.
Ellis, how does she know your name?
This is the doll. She's brand new today, ladies.
We've done a version of Sasha before.
But this is a new configuration.
So it's the only day that...
Hello? Who is this?
Tell Wendy that I'm spending Thanksgiving with Fucker Frank
and his girlfriend in Washington.
If she doesn't want me to, she knows how to contact me.
And remind her that the Volvo is supposed to be serviced this month.
So, this is Ellis?
Just tell her.
Oh, boy!
Ellis! Your mom just called.
She wants you to go to Tucson for Thanksgiving, and not to go to DC.
So she calls now?
She sounded really stoned!
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, shit!
Could you come over here and clean this, Javier?
I'll switch chairs.
Excuse me?
You just got to pick up the shards
and spray the juice with the hose before it gets sticky.
- You broke the glass, not me. - Yes?
Get up off your ass and clean it. I'm busy with this bush.
Well, it's your job, not mine.
Hey, buddy, fuck you.
What did you say to me?
You're free-balling, man.
What?
One of your nuts wants out.
There you go.
I think that you and me and Wendy need to have a talk
about your place around here.
You mean the pool house?
- Who's awake! - Me! Me! Yeah, I needed to sleep!
Yeah.
I've been so worried. You know, Ellis never called.
The pool looks really nice, Javier. It's so blue.
Aren't you the chick that threw the rock at Ellis?
Yeah. So what?
- Besides, Ellis was spying. - Come on.
I need to feel like a mom again.
It's been so long since Ellis left.
I'm going to take Aubrey to the mall.
I'll pick you up some of those boxer shorts you like.
What about me?
We'll get you a new swimsuit.
That is so sick!
And Bennet, clean up that juice mess before the ants come.
What do you mean, you're leaving right now?
It's Thanksgiving!
Stop, right now. You need to behave.
Why do you have to go?
You know what, because I need to go.
Please! This isn't fair!
It's totally fair.
Because you're acting out. This is totally fair, now I feel justified.
She's such a bitch.
Tastes like ass.
You would know.
If your friend's sleeping over,
I don't want him touching anything in the guest room.
I leave in two hours. Don't touch anything.
The credit card is in the kitchen.
You can have Thanksgiving at the Beckers'.
Fine.
At least you can do whatever you want the whole weekend.
If she weren't so selfish, she would be going to Paris on Monday instead.
My mom wrote the book on selfish.
Fuck.
- I'll call you later, okay? - All right.
It's good to see you. You look tall.
I grew, I guess.
- You look different, too. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Judy will be glad to know that you think I look different.
She's been sort of cultivating my new image.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I forgot to show you my store back there on the right.
I actually sold all 48 stores to a furniture conglomerate.
They're changing the name to Adobe, which I think is dumb, but...
What do you do now?
I still... I keep pretty busy.
Yeah, I read a lot.
Yeah.
A senator from Georgia lived in this house for 30 years in the 1800s.
That's actually a portrait of him there.
Dog lover, I guess.
Listen, about Judy and me,
the reason I wanted you to visit...
I thought I smelled it in the car. Have you been drinking?
Hey, guys.
Ellis, it's so nice to finally meet you.
You, too.
You been hitting the bottle today?
That's what I thought.
Why don't you bring your bag upstairs? It's the first bedroom on the left,
and then you can meet us at the table.
You can eat off any lingering inebriation.
He'll be okay.
I don't share Judy's cavalier attitude about your drinking.
I don't have a cavalier attitude.
Ellis, do you want some more stuffing?
Yes, ma'am.
Ellis, you can call me Judy.
You know, you're the one who's cavalier. You're married again.
I'm gonna have a new brother or sister, and you didn't even tell me.
Brother.
A new brother.
You're only 14 years old.
What were you drinking?
And where the hell were this kid's parents anyway?
I'm 15 years old.
We were drinking scotch, and Barney's mother's in Paris.
He never sees his father.
Is that supposed to mean something?
He spilled the scotch on me, by the way.
That's why you could smell it. I barely had any.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Hey, Frank knows you're 15.
I mean, that's how he refers to you, as his 15-year-old son.
He sent you those hiking boots for your birthday last June.
I was with him when he bought them.
When he got your midterm grades,
he called to tell me about them. All As.
He said he never once got all As at Gates.
He's proud of you, Ellis.
No.
Thanks.
You've never heard of Gates Academy? It's very famous.
It's very traditional.
No cell phones, no Internet in the dorms,
they force you to take Latin.
Tell Ellis not to worry. I mean, Latin's a dead language.
- It's useless. - I'm taking Spanish.
Say something in Spanish, honey.
That one's smart.
She just said, "I want to eat cheese."
Sorry I'm late.
Ellis is with Frank, and he hasn't called.
He'll call.
- You stoned? - No.
I told you I'm not.
I'm not.
I love your tie. It's so tribal.
Okay, everybody,
we are going veggie this year.
This is faux turkey.
- It smells wonderful. - Tofu turkey. Who would've thought?
I wonder what kind of shit they're feeding Ellis in Washington.
You promised. No Frank talk.
So, Javier, tell me about the next goat trek you're planning.
It's still in the works.
The goats are in training. They're afraid of the water.
I'll be taking them up to higher elevation soon, to snow.
Black and tan male with the horns, Lance...
- Yeah, that's him. - Lance. Yeah.
He bothers me when I'm reading my paper by the pool. Very bad gas.
If goats don't fart, their intestines will explode.
- I highly doubt it. - No, I've seen it. A major mess.
I saw a baby goat once, born inside out.
- Inside out. - Gross!
You know, Jav, I think you may be onto something with these goat treks.
Yeah, a return to the earth.
You know, I bet Johanna would love
to hear about these goat treks, wouldn't she?
Wouldn't she? She's our spirit coach.
She's always interested in new forms of spirit healing.
I'm not sure these treks have healed my spirit.
I bet they have.
You didn't even notice, 'cause you're not in touch with your spirit.
It's a good point, Javier.
What?
- Hello? - Hey, Mom, it's me.
Ellis, I told you I needed you here this weekend.
Why didn't you at least call me yesterday?
Ellis! Do you want me to wash your fleece?
Yeah, sure. Thank you.
What does she look like?
It's not the same Judy.
It's not the same Judy?
This one's really nice and attractive.
Attractive?
Okay. How young is she?
I don't know. Maybe a little younger than you.
Figures.
- What about Frank? - He's fine, I guess.
He has new glasses. Poetry glasses.
Poetry glasses?
Hey, Ellis, Frank's home. It's time to go.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, Mom. I'm sorry, but I have to go.
Why?
Frank has some kind of tour planned. He just got back.
You're making a big mistake.
Mom, I have to go.
- Bye. Okay? - Fine.
I've been looking for this record for years.
I can't even find it on the Internet.
Do you even have a turntable?
- Yeah, Goat Man got me one. - Of course he did.
So, you like Judy?
Yeah, she's really nice.
Look, don't tell her I told you this,
but when you wrote for me to come down here,
at first I thought you were talking about the Judy
you brought to Tucson a few years ago.
- The loud obnoxious one... - That was Trudy.
And she wasn't obnoxious. She was nervous.
You know it was your mother that kept me away from Tucson
for all that time.
Every time I'd show up, she'd start some new drama,
even if I didn't bring along a lady friend.
Does she still refer to me as "Fucker Frank"?
- Hello. - Can you put Wendy on the phone?
Who's calling?
You know who this is. Just put her on the phone.
I can't. She went to a healing vortex workshop in Sedona.
She won't be back till tomorrow.
Okay, when she gets back, tell her I've gone on a trek,
backside of Mt. Lemmon.
Four days. She likes to know where I go.
Why? As far as I can tell, she wouldn't care if you disappeared.
She's done with your chemically-induced lifestyle.
I didn't ask for your response to that... Hello?
Dick!
He's a dick!
Hey, guys.
You fuckers ate my weed!
That's it, you win!
We're going home.
Idiots.
Yikes.
You ordered the health food?
Dig in.
Pizza.
I already feel like a cow.
You're not a cow. Not even close.
He can come back anytime.
Hey, you know, you should really think about joining us in Telluride this summer.
You can mountain bike and camp and swim.
And we'll have the baby by then.
Hello?
Hello. May I please speak with Ellis Whitman?
Just a minute.
It's for you.
Is it my mother?
No, it's your roommate. He's very polite.
- What? - I got pot!
I meant what I said about Telluride.
I think it'd be great for you to come out this summer.
I don't think so.
- Frank, come on. - Are you kidding, honey?
He shows up drunk for Thanksgiving dinner.
You sneak out last night to do God knows what.
How are you going to stay in school?
I'm getting all As except for an A-in Latin.
Mea culpa.
How do you expect me to do this when you don't give a shit?
You don't give a shit, either.
- Are you kidding me? - Okay. Guys?
All right.
You know,
if you were getting an inheritance from your dad,
now you have to split it.
Haven't you had enough of that shit?
Don't tell me what to do.
You're gonna have to wash those in the sink.
I can smell the alcohol from over here.
You can't leave them there, we'll get busted.
- Go wash them in the sink. - Fuck you, you're not my boss.
What's your problem?
Wash the fucking pants!
My award! You asshole!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get up!
Get up. Both of you calm down!
Are you okay?
Let's get to the bottom of this so we can all get on with our lives.
Tell me what happened tonight.
Barney was being obnoxious, so I tackled him.
And before that?
Barney was being obnoxious before that.
He means, what did you do before the fight?
Like, were you and Barney drinking any alcoholic beverages?
I'm quite capable of expressing myself, Mr. Rosenberg.
And why are you here, anyway?
I'm not feeling good. I think I have the flu.
You can wait in the hall until I'm done speaking with Whitman here.
But I'm suffering from FACT. Fever, aches, chills, and tiredness.
The hall.
I'll tell you what happened.
You and Barney, Mr. Cannel.
You and Mr. Cannel were drinking on the bus.
You argued, you started to fight,
you threw his award against the wall, and he kicked you in the testicles.
That sounds pretty close, sir.
I've looked at your midterm reports, Mr. Whitman. You're doing well.
I study a lot.
So tell me about your visit with your father. How's he doing?
Okay.
Now, business.
No more weekend privileges,
and you're going to have sequestered detention dinners
until next semester.
And, of course, you know I'm going to have to call
your mother in Texas to inform her of this incident.
- I live in Arizona, sir. - Of course. Phoenix.
- Tucson. - You bet.
Hi, Wendy.
Get down here and roll.
Listen to your body, Javier. You know, it's good stress therapy.
No, thanks.
I was wondering if...
You know where your checks are?
If I could maybe... I was thinking I could...
I could write myself one,
for, you know, last month.
I ordered that Fortunella japonica,
the kumquat bush for outside the den window.
The headmaster called from Gates this morning.
Ellis did some drinking on the way back to school
from his stay with Fucker Frank.
He and his roommate got into a fistfight.
And I have to write a check for $700 to patch a wall that Ellis broke.
I can't see Ellis in a fight like that. Is he okay?
No, of course he's not all right. What do you think?
After a weekend with Frank, I'm sure he's a total wreck.
The headmaster also said that Ellis has the highest grades in his class.
They're turning him into a Frank clone.
They're already talking to me about colleges.
- He's only 15. - I know.
He shouldn't have to worry about things like that.
I can't take care of him from here, Javier. I can't.
I can't do it.
I miss him.
I miss him so. I miss him way more than I thought. Way more.
- How are the bills and stuff? - That's not why I miss him.
I'm a mother and my son is 3,000 miles away.
I am missing a piece of myself.
He'll be home soon.
Johanna said that mothers and sons, even though we share the same blood,
can sometimes be as cosmically distant
as two strangers on different continents.
I don't see why a mother should be concerned about relating cosmically.
You should just call him up,
and ask him about school, food, girls.
I should really just be mainstream?
Sure.
Sorry, nothing came for you.
Thanks.
You can check again tomorrow.
Hey.
Someone hasn't been at dinner in a while.
I got sequestered detention dinners until next semester.
I never took you for a bad boy.
- You're always in here. - I'm not illiterate.
I'm working my way through a list of the 100 best novels of all time.
This is my third favorite book.
The Great Gatsby.
My second's To Kill a Mockingbird.
All right. What's your favorite?
Wouldn't you like to know.
You know, you can play your music louder. I don't mind.
Thanks.
I'm gonna fail algebra tomorrow,
and I'm gonna fail history on Wednesday,
and I'm gonna flunk out of Gates.
I guess you're not going to Yale.
I probably deserve it for kicking you in the nuts.
That was a cheap kick.
I'm sorry.
I just...
I can't even do completing the square
and I only know the first cycle of the Krebs cycle
and all the kings in history seem the same. And I just...
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm gonna flunk out of Gates. I'm never gonna do anything.
Here's a good trick for history that Goat Man taught me, all right.
See this portrait of Pope Leo X?
Look at him. Remember his name and read what he did,
then imagine him doing it. Okay?
You know, I owe you one. You really saved my ass.
I know.
I'm going to study over break, so I'm not such a loser next semester.
I'm gonna float on a raft in the pool and smoke a bale of pot
and go running a lot.
- Won't the pot cancel out the running? - Hey, bad boy!
Merry Christmas.
You know, Smythe and Van Buren were in the car with Minnie.
She's probably giving them a ride to the bus station or something.
I bet she's giving them a ride.
The water's nice.
It's nice and warm.
I love the water.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay, boy.
Right there.
Good boy.
There you go.
You have pretty nice arms for a stoner.
Hey!
What are you doing?
The goats hate water, so I'm training them not to.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but there's no water in there.
Well, you obviously know nothing about training goats.
First they have to get used to the pool.
What are you doing later?
You sure are nosy.
I just want to know what makes you tick, Javier.
For example, what are those?
Ever hear of art?
Bennet and Wendy are in Sedona
on that New Age bullshit spirit workshop, right?
When do they get back?
That was quick. I was just getting comfortable.
What do you do?
What do you do all day?
Do?
You know, I do the landscaping.
Work with the goats.
Clean the pool.
Don't you get bored?
Well, I do other stuff.
Like get high all day?
Is it true what they say about you and your goats?
That you know them in the biblical sense?
It's not true.
I hate my goats.
What the hell?
- Sorry. Are you Ellis? - Give me my bag!
Pervert.
I'm not a pervert, I'm Bennet.
Wendy?
Mom?
Ellis.
You scared the hell out of me, Ellis.
Sorry.
I've had these miserable headaches since September.
Starts in my heart, goes around my head,
and back down to my heart.
Come here, come give your mom a hug and tell me how was your trip.
- I slept on my flights. - Yeah.
Did you miss me?
- Of course I missed you. - I couldn't tell.
Yeah, that's it. Toke the fat pappy, girlie.
Hey, Ellis!
Aubrey?
That's my bong.
I thought your plane didn't get in till tonight.
Lance, leave it!
Lance, quit it!
I can't even get him to follow me.
Maybe he's disappointed in you.
- I know you think I'm a traitor, but... - She's not even half your age.
She looks older, you have to admit.
You could have at least written me or something.
Yeah.
I'm bad at that.
Sorry.
And Bennet.
You should have warned me about him.
Yeah.
He's a royal dick.
Hey, I'm going on this big trek the day after Christmas.
Down into Mexico.
You want to come, partner?
I don't know.
Frieda, come on.
- Ellis! - Hi, Jonathan.
How's the fancy prep school?
It's fancy. I study a lot.
I got blackmailed into running cross-country.
- What about the girls? - What girls?
- It's all boys. - Exactly!
Did the Goat Man have any luck sending you any provisions?
He tried sending something via US Mail, but I stopped it.
Really?
It isn't worth the risk these days.
We have to make this fast!
Because your Spanish is horrible.
It's past 6:00 already. I should be home wrapping presents.
I appreciate it.
You haven't shown me how much you appreciate it.
I appreciate it this much.
What have you been getting up to lately anyway?
I've been breeding non-eco intrusive goats for the biosphere.
Plus some rescue goats
that are trained to sniff survivors out of the rubble in a disaster,
should there be a disaster. Disaster goats.
- Sounds important. - I'm going to make this easy for you.
Just use the clippers. Just, you know...
- You sure? - Yeah, make me look like Steve McQueen.
I'm a scientist.
Not a hippie.
- No, olives are a party favor. - When's the last time
you got olives as a party favor?
That's 10 points because it's a double word.
Mexican casserole!
"H". A party favor that begins with "H".
- "Hookah." - That's a foreign word.
It doesn't count.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm cleaning up my act.
You look amazing.
Let me touch. Touchy-feely.
Hi, baby.
Okay, if everybody's done fawning over Goat Man,
hookah is a foreign word, so that's doesn't count.
I'll look it up in the dictionary, the English dictionary,
- if you really want to challenge. - Yeah, challenge. Yeah.
Bennet. Bennet, honey, you're going to lose your turn.
- "Hookah, an Oriental tobacco pipe..." - Oriental.
"...with a long flexible tube that draws the smoke through the water
- "in a tin bowl." - So that's still a foreign word.
No, but it's in the English dictionary.
- Like "charlatan" is. - Yeah.
Or "gigolo."
Or "fellatio."
Honey, you lose your turn.
All right, okay.
Honey!
Hey, hey, honey.
"Hissy," noun.
- "A fit of anger. Temper tantrum." - Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you know what, that's the kind of snarky bullshit
that Frank used to pull all the time.
My God, you are turning into him. You're turning into him.
Wait, are you talking about Fucker Frank?
You know, you never finished telling me that story...
- Aubrey! Aubrey! - I know.
Well, you want to know more about Fucker Frank, ask Ellis.
He's his new best friend.
And she should know the hell that that man put me through.
And now he sends you an old sweatshirt and everything is hunky-dory?
I bought you a $2,000 mountain bike,
and you don't have the decency to try it out.
- I said thank you, like, 100 times. - I didn't hear it.
- Feelings check. - Did you hear it?
Feelings check.
I feel that you might be reacting negatively.
- Feelings check. - Right, Wendy? Feelings check.
Feelings check. Shut the hell up!
You know, marrying that man was the worst decision I have ever made.
Why don't you tell Aubrey about the time that you and Frank got in a fight
and how you disappeared for six days?
And he had to find you living in a cheap motel?
- So? - Or why don't you tell everyone
why Frank never visits Tucson anymore?
How you hid the keys to his rental car and made him miss his flight.
Okay, I don't need to be attacked by my own son!
Fucking genetics!
You are the biggest, selfish prick I have ever met!
Bigger than your fucking father!
Mister, you are coming with me to Sedona tomorrow,
and you are going to do that workshop with Johanna!
Yes, you are! No more fucking goat treks!
Good job.
Listen, this is a special trek.
We're on a mission of philanthropy.
- What do you mean? - We're helping a refugee
from Honduras into the United States.
That's illegal, isn't it?
She's a political refugee.
- You're joking, right? - No.
My cousin Jesus set it up.
Is Jesus real Mexican or fake Mexican, like you?
Fake Mexican? What does that mean, fake Mexican?
Yeah, you know how you make everyone call you Javier
even though your real name's Stephen and you're Irish-Italian.
I don't make everyone call me Javier.
They just do.
How are we gonna get the goats across the border?
No one's gonna stop us.
Getting them to Mexico is no problem,
we'll be crossing the desert on the way back.
After we meet Jesus at the Super Puerco,
we can party all night.
Don't use "party" as a verb. It sounds vulgar.
Vulgar in the common, pedestrian sense, not in the obscene sense.
I knew what you meant by "vulgar."
The bar's either to the left or to the right.
That's helpful.
Try to look presentable.
Like me.
Jesus!
What the fuck do you want?
It's me, Javier. I cleaned up for the trek.
You look like a cop, man.
Who's the kid?
This is Ellis. He's good with the goats.
Go outside and wait with the goats.
All right.
Can we do this in English?
Those are the ugliest dogs I've ever seen.
Thanks.
Get out of here, please.
Sorry about Jesus.
Isn't Jesus married with some kids?
Those prostitutes were, like, my age.
Where's the refugee?
The refugee?
She had to go back to Tegucigalpa.
Family issues.
So this whole thing was a waste of time?
No, this was a good practice run.
You're setting it up in a wash? That's dumb.
They're rain clouds.
If you're so concerned about being spotted,
why the hell do you have a bright orange tent?
- I'm starving. - Frieda's right there. She's full of milk.
I'm looking for my power bars and I find your sandwich, cheater.
What about Javier's golden rule of goat trekking?
- Goat milk only. - Hey! Put that back!
Jesus.
This wasn't my idea.
Not everyone is as fortunate as you, Ellis.
Wendy and Bennet might kick me out, and I don't have any money!
There never was a refugee, was there?
I swear, you don't know what it's like having to ask Wendy for money.
Then get a job like a normal person!
I'm not a normal person.
Come on, let's go. Pack up the tent.
We'll camp somewhere else.
Let's go.
Would you just give me a second?
- Come on. Get up. - Get your hands off me.
Damn it! Lance!
Goat Man.
Goat Man!
Goat Man.
Goat Man's going to be okay.
- Ellis, sweetie! - That goat's not riding in my Jeep.
Are you okay?
Did Goat Man call?
The healing workshops were great. Thanks for asking.
Aren't you even the slightest bit worried about him?
The Hopi shaman at the workshop said that I worry too much.
Yeah, about yourself!
Okay, I can't leak my energy right now worrying about Goat Man.
I have been advised to let it pool inward.
Frank and Judy are married and they're having a baby.
He's lying, hon. He's trying to hurt you.
Let's go.
Okay, I know you're at Gates.
I know you're smart.
You make pretty good decisions.
But I do worry about you.
All the time.
I'm your mother.
And just so you know,
I was on the phone with Johanna and the shaman,
and without me telling anything about what happened,
the shaman mentioned that Goat Man knows the desert
and knows how to survive.
Okay?
And notice,
I haven't said anything about Frank
or his child bride.
- May I please speak to my mother? - Who is this?
How many children does Wendy have?
- Did he call? - Who?
Don't be a prick!
You never even bother to ask about me or your mother. That is rude.
Did Goat Man call or not?
Well, I have a slight cold, and your mother...
Maybe you should have Señor Levy call the police in Mexico and ask
- if they've heard anything... - I'm sure Goat Man's fine.
Stop whining about him already.
Line up, girls!
Eat my shit.
Quick one.
Not bad, Whitman.
Did you have PE today?
Did you get sweaty?
We should get drunk and go see that, that'd be awesome.
Yeah, sounds like a plan.
Nice bike. Is that carbon fiber?
Yeah, I think so.
Give it to me.
What?
Ellis!
Ellis.
Oh, no.
Come on, sit up.
Sit up.
I read To Kill a Mockingbird.
And at first I thought Atticus was sort of self-righteous.
But by the end...
You think there are people like Atticus Finch in real life?
I hope so.
Enjoy the Percocets.
Bye.
Once you have made a cut around the eyeball,
separate the eye into two halves.
Let the vitreous humor and any associated structure...
Barney, we're already on step six.
Can I finish? This is step seven.
- Can I finish reading? - I'm already done.
You may need to tease the vitreous humor
gently away from the lining of the eye.
I think I'm just gonna cut the retina. Yeah.
That's definitely not the retina.
It doesn't look like you're doing anything right.
- I got it. - Wait, no, no, that's the cornea.
No, that's the cornea, you moron.
Careful, you don't want to blind that cow forever.
What are you doing here?
I felt like taking a drive, I guess.
What happened to your head?
He got bike-jacked. Four stitches.
By a townie. They hate all Gates students.
What do you mean?
It's fine. It's healing quickly. Where's the photo?
I'd like to introduce you to your new brother,
Gabriel.
He looks like Judy.
Actually, he's a dead ringer for you when you were a baby.
You know, it's a known fact that all babies look like old Jewish men.
Oh, boy, go easy on me.
Senior year.
It's not as dorky as I thought.
Wait, Latin club? Young Historians?
I was only in those for my dad,
who was convinced I was too stupid to get into college on grades alone.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Eldridge said you were a brain. - No.
When I was admitted to Princeton, my father said,
"Everyone wins the lottery once. Don't blow this, Frank."
Ellis, do you like it here?
I mean, you know you can go back to Tucson, or you could even come to DC.
There are a lot of good day schools there.
- Really? - Yeah.
I like it here, though.
We have our first meet next week.
Coach put me on the varsity team. I'm actually pretty fast.
Really?
Yeah, that was my room junior and senior years.
- You lived in Stillwell? - Yeah.
It's all nerds now.
It was all nerds then, too. You saw my yearbook photos.
You think Goat Man's all right?
Disappearing for a few months is a very Goat Man thing to do.
- What about Wendy? - Why?
I don't know. She seems weird.
She never returns my calls.
She's really into New Age spirituality and freaks out a lot.
Well, when I first met her, she was really into The Grateful Dead
and she freaked out a lot.
Ellis, I've always had a hard time with your mom,
but that's not an excuse.
I'm sorry I've been absent from your life.
Thanks.
I'm sure you've had your fill of the Gates food,
so we'll go out for dinner tonight. Barney, too, if he wants.
Are you sure you want to invite Barney?
So Yale's application process is really tough,
but I've been studying hard, and Ellis has been helping me out a lot,
so I think I've got a really good shot of getting in.
But if I don't get into Yale, I'm gonna try for Tufts.
It's a little early to be worrying about college, isn't it?
This isn't the right way to the restaurant.
Yeah, we got a little business to take care of before dinner.
I'll talk reasonably to his parents and if I don't make any progress,
I'll call the police.
- Hello. - Yes?
I've come to retrieve my son's bicycle.
I believe you assaulted him and...
Mr. Whitman, are you still taking us to dinner?
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for getting my bike back.
Think about Telluride this summer.
Judy would love it if you were there.
I mean, I would, too.
Actually, so would your brother if he could distinguish shapes.
I will.
I almost forgot.
It's a prospectus for my new company.
Solar panel technology for vehicles.
I assembled a team of geniuses, aside from myself.
I didn't want you to think I wasn't doing anything.
I'll look through it.
Good luck with the race next week.
I'm really proud of you, Ellis.
Thanks.
See you soon.
You got a package.
You're studying history already?
Who's it from?
Goat Man!
It's from Goat Man!
Close the door.
Well, of course! Look at what's happening!
Bullshit. You're a liar.
- You're a liar. You're a big, fat liar. - It's the only thing.
I can't help but think that if you could just corral your energy, just redirect it,
- then you wouldn't be doing this. - No matter how I redirect my energy,
you will always be a pig.
The jig is up. Leave.
- It's disgusting to think... - But I still have to go through with it.
- ...that you would put... - 'Cause I've got to put food in my mouth!
...your slimy penis into me after that. That's disgusting!
- Get out of my face! - All this...
- Get out of my face, you slut. - ...seems so drastic.
You're a big fat slut. Get out of my face.
If that's what you want, I...
I'm done bankrolling you.
- Leave. - Yeah, yeah.
Runners, take your mark.
Hey.
Hi, there.
What are you doing here so early?
Picking up my pathetic check.
I got my bike back.
That's good.
Good.
I was thinking,
if you wanted to meet me off campus, you could.
I don't think so.
Come on, Ellis.
Why don't you spend some of that allowance money
your parents send you for being the perfect boy?
- If you change your mind... - I won't.
Grapes of Wrath.
It's my favorite novel.
We gotta get you home.
I think Wendy wants to take you out to dinner for your birthday
and maybe show you your birthday present, if you're up for it.
I almost forgot it was my birthday.
You know, when I was little,
I used to love to hear Wendy do a primal screaming.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
It meant she'd actually be happy for the few days afterwards
and play with me.
Thank God Bennet's gone.
- Yeah, she actually kicked him out. - No?
It was awesome.
You know what else?
She milked Frieda the whole time I was gone.
Kept her lactating.
Yeah, exactly.
Forty acres.
There'll never be a 7-Eleven or a Wal-Mart out here.
I forget how cool Wendy can be, you know.
I helped pick it out.
That house all the way over there is owned by a surgeon from Canada.
The rest is National Forest land.
It even smells good out here.
This is the coolest birthday present.
Hey.
Welcome home spliff?
No, thanks.
I got plenty. Enough for the whole summer.
The greenhouse is going strong.
I was thinking of maybe going to Telluride with Frank and Judy
and Gabriel for the summer.
Gabriel?
That's the baby's name, Gabriel?
Yeah.
I think you should go.
I think that would be good for you.
Yeah.
That'll be good for you.