[man] It's 73 degrees on this beautiful morning.
It's 6:59 in the a. m.
Enjoy Mr. Sunshine while you can, friends,
because AccuWeather is predicting thunderstorms tomorrow.
So it's time to wake up and enjoy the day.
Wake up!
Wake up, Julian!
Julian?
Julian!
[gasps]
Oh...
[man] The freeway is tied up around Lincoln,
but 685 is looking jim-dandy in both directions.
More traffic reports on the five,
but coming up, beautiful Kimberly
with complete AccuWeather...
[sighs]
Oh.
[groans]
[exhales heavily]
Oh.
[chuckles]
[# The Jam: A Town Called Malice]
# Better stop dreamin' of the quiet life
# 'Cause it's the one we'll never know
# And quit running for the runaway bus
# 'Cause those rosy days are few
# And stop apologizing for the things you've never done
# 'Cause time is short and life is cruel
# But it's up to us to change this town called malice
# Rows and rows of disused milk floats
# Stand dying in the dairy yard
# And a hundred lonely housewives
# Clutch empty milk bottles to their hearts
# Hanging out their old love letters on the line to dry
# It's enough to make you stop believing
# When tears come fast and furious
# In a town called malice
# Yeah
# Ba ba ba ba ba-da-ba
# Ba ba ba-da-ba
# Oh, ba ba ba ba ba-da-ba
# Ba ba ba-da-ba
# Struggle after struggle year after year
# The atmosphere's a fine blend of ice
# I'm almost stone-cold dead in a town called malice
# Ooh, yeah
[kids chattering]
[boy] Hey, mister, is that your car?
What?
The cool Porsche. You keep staring at it.
Why don't you shoo?
I don't want to shoo.
Your mother tell you never to talk to strangers?
She's over there, and she says I should talk to you.
- She did? - Yeah.
She wants to know what you're doing here.
I think she thinks you're cute.
I don't know anything about that car.
And I'm only interested in your mother
if she lost 20 pounds and 30 years,
so I'd really like it if you got the fuck away from me.
- Whatever. - Yeah, whatever. Goodbye. Scadoodle.
- See ya, wouldn't want to be ya. - Smell ya, shouldn't have to tell ya.
[ice-cream truck music]
[clicks tongue]
[thunderclap]
[radio blares]
[music stops]
[thunderclap]
[raining]
Hi.
Bean.
You're up early.
Thunder woke me up.
I wanted to see you before you left.
- I'm gonna miss that. - Me too.
I'm gonna miss everything.
It's only two nights.
With this weather and our luck,
it scares me.
Honey, you know I gotta go.
But I'm coming home to you in two days.
With really good news, I promise.
Mmm.
- Oh. - Ooh!
Oh!
Danny!
Are you sure you have time?
Maybe not for dinner and a movie, but...
Oh.
Danny!
Oh.
[thunderclap]
[creaking]
Tree!
[crashing]
[thunder rumbling]
[rain falling]
Still horny?
[laughing]
[woman over PA] Flight 421 to Salt Lake City has been delayed...
[man] Danny! Danny!
Oh.
I'm so sorry, Phil.
No, it's fine. Is Bean all right?
Oh, yeah, the fire department's over there.
Our crazy neighbors, the tyrannists...
She's fine, really.
She practically forced me to get over here.
She knows what this job means, right?
She knows somebody has to pay for a new kitchen.
Now be better just make this flight, huh?
Yeah, we will.
I mean, we have to.
Hope the weather's better in Mexico.
Mr. Noble, how are you today?
Couldn't be better.
But, more importantly,
how are you...
...Genevive?
[song plays in Spanish]
Buenas tardes.
Deme una margarita, por favor.
Con mucha sal.
[clinking ice cubes echo]
[man] Cerveza, por favor.
[speaking Spanish]
[continues speaking Spanish]
Gracias.
My business is my pleasure.
[clicks]
How ya doin'?
I'm a... I'm a nervous wreck.
Think positive.
I think that I'm sweating through my suit.
[snickering]
[man] Hello, Julian.
Getting some culture?
Indeed.
Isn't she a tad pubescent? Even for you?
I'd make an exception for her.
- Did you study the assignment? - No, I shredded it.
Then I humped the bellboy on the room service cart.
- [man] Am I supposed to be shocked? - Adios.
[Julian] Que tenga buena día.
I hate these Catholic countries.
All blushy-blushy. No sucky-fucky.
[chuckles] Well, somehow I think you'll find your way.
Now, look, there's been a change of plans.
The portfolio has to be delivered sooner than we discussed.
What are you saying?
She's leaving for Europe tomorrow.
I'm not a fucking magician.
Just get it done today.
I almost forgot!
Yeah?
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday?
Fuck.
[gunshot]
[Danny] Incredible!
What can I say, the guy...
[stammering] We shouldn't even need to think about it!
That's good, right?
Yes, I think so.
Dos margaritas, por favor.
Oh!
You know, I think we did it.
I don't know what you were freaking out about.
- You were remarkable. - No, you were.
No, you. It was you!
No way they can't give us this job.
You really think that?
I know.
- Good! - Uh!
- Ah! - Yeah!
Shh. We need two more.
[music plays on television]
# Once a boy I know went to Mexico
# He knew just four words to tell his love
- # Yo te amo mucho - # And that's that
# Though his words were few still the lady knew
# What this Brooklyn boy was dreaming of
- # Yo te amo mucho - # And that's that
# We would die ay yi yi...
[remote hits ground]
[man] Hello?
- Andy! - Yeah?
[laughing]
Andy, you crazy limey bastard, it's me!
Who?
- Julian! - Who?
J-Julian Noble from Portugal.
- Remember? - Who?
Julian Noble.
Yeah. I just thought I'd give you a chat.
See how you're doing. It's my birthday.
[click]
Andy? Hello?
[dial tone]
Yeah, hello. Is Cindy there?
Fuck it.
# Aah...
Now, this smells like a party!
[applause]
Margarita, por favor.
[bartender] Sí, señor.
Well, you look like you could use one.
Hm!
Who couldn't?
I've had, uh...
Four, five, maybe. I don't know...
They're darn tasty.
Margaritas always taste better in Mexico.
They certainly do.
Margaritas and cock.
Gracias. And one for my friend over there.
- Oh, no, no! That's... - Don't worry.
- I'm not trying to make a pass at you. - I'm not worried.
If you're that type of guy...
- I don't mean to be rude but... - It's all right.
I'm just messin' with ya.
I'm sorry about the cock comment.
Kind of a conversation stopper.
Kinda.
Yeah.
So? What are you doing in Mexico?
Tell me something, uh...
Dan. Danny. Danny Wright.
Garrison & Wright.
Tell me something, Danny Wright.
Yes, sir.
Why the hell do you care why I'm in Mexico?
- Why so interested, huh? - No reason. Just...
...hotel bar conversation, I guess.
Are you with the farm?
- What's that? - The agency?
- What? - Are you following me?
- No, no. - Did I make you?
I have no idea what you're talk...
Did I fucking make you? Hm?
OK. I'm going to excuse myself.
- I have to go, thank you. - No. No, please.
No, I'm really tired.
No, no, please. I didn't mean to weird you out.
I just get paranoid sometimes. I was wrong. Please.
I'm drunk. I'm tired.
I've been fornicating for the last two hours,
and, before that, I was doing shit...
Horrible business shit...
Please... come on.
I was out of order.
Let's finish our drink. Come on.
Here you go.
Here you are. Here's your drink.
Danny? Here you go.
I mean, you seem like a nice guy.
You know, a normal guy.
I'm sorry.
Really, it's all right.
So...
...you in town on business?
Hm?
You have that way about you, Danny.
[cockney accent] Why are you so interested?
[both laugh]
It's... it's...
- Very good. - Yeah?
Ah, very good.
Oh, I'm here on business.
Is it going well?
Very well, I hope.
My... my partner and I... He's upstairs.
...we just had a very good pitch session.
No shit?
Very good.
Well, that's fantastic.
That's great, Danny.
I needed a day like this.
I hear ya.
I've had a tough couple years.
I was with this business out of Denver for nine years.
And out of the blue they just...
- They laid me off. - Oh...
Yeah. Just like that.
And it was, I don't know, two and a half years ago.
- I've been struggling back ever since. - And today you got back.
Well, I hope.
Today you're a man again.
Yeah.
And to be a man, after they fuck you
and destroy your self-respect...
Well, that is a great thing.
Thank you.
Dos margaritas, por favor.
Are you married, Danny?
Oh, yeah, I am. Fourteen years.
Oh... let me guess. High school sweetheart.
It's true.
Unbelievable.
The fuckin' American dream, huh?
Yeah. What about you?
What do you do for a living?
Any kids?
You got kids, Danny?
Oh, no. I crossed the line.
No, no, no. You did not.
- I did. - You did not cross the line.
- It's fine. - I'm sorry.
It's fine.
We lost our son three years ago.
It was a school bus accident.
Fourteen children lived that day...
...and one died.
That was Henry.
We, uh...
...had a bad run for a while.
Two Mexicans walk into a cantina.
What?
Two Mexicans walk into a cantina.
One's a midget, and the other's got a dick 15 inches long.
W-what are you saying?
I'm trying to change the subject. The midget says to the bartender,
"They call my amigo the human swizzle stick.
You know what they call me?"
This is incredible.
What?
You're... very rude.
I'm trying to change the subject.
Thank you very much for the drink.
Goodbye. Good night. Thank you.
Don't you wanna hear the punchline?
It's a fucking good one. [laughing]
Gracias.
[# The Cramps: Garbageman]
# You ain't no punk, you punk
# You wanna talk about the real junk?
# If I ever slip, I'll be banned
# 'Cause I'm your garbageman
# Well, you can't dig me you can't dig nothin'
# Do you want the real thing or are you just talkin'?
# Do you understand?
# I'm your garbageman
# Yeah, somethin' from...
[music stops]
You sure you don't want to switch?
No, no, get outta here. You're the one with the kids.
You're the one with the tree.
You wanna flip another coin? Somebody's gotta stay for now.
- I'll call you the minute I hear. - Call me sooner.
- Oh, God. - What?
My cell phone. I think I left it at the front desk.
- Watch my stuff for a sec? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- [Julian] Staying a few days? - What?
I couldn't help but overhear.
Yeah. So you're spying
on my personal conversations now, huh? Great.
Something about the asshole buyers not being completely convinced.
And now wanted to hear other pitches?
Pfff!
Sorry about that.
I-I knew things were too good to be true anyway.
I'm sorry about the circumstances, but I'm glad you're still in town.
It gives me the opportunity to tell you how truly embarrassed I am
about last night. See? See, the thing is...
I liked you.
I kind of enjoyed talking to someone, you know,
just... talking.
- Really? - Yeah.
And yet...
I tell you about my dead son,
and you mock it.
I lost my wife.
I was 24 years old, I was drunk,
I plowed our car into an oak tree.
Jesus.
Since then, I've soiled my way through life,
been a magnificently cold moron.
I run away from anything that resembles an emotion.
Thus, you tell me about your dead son,
I tell you a joke about a 15-inch schlong.
So you can forgive me, huh?
[Phil] Got it!
Better I remember it now than somewhere over Amarillo.
Right.
All right. Speak to you mañana, right?
Yeah, yeah.
- It's gonna be all right. - I know.
Danny? Hey, Danny.
Wait. Hey.
I've got an extra ticket to the bullfights this afternoon.
Supposed to be a good one.
It would mean a great deal to me if you would join me.
Oh, I'm so... Thank you.
Thank you very much. That's very nice of you,
and I... I can't.
I can't. I have work.
On a Sunday afternoon?
Ever seen a bullfight?
No.
You haven't seen the real Mexico City until you've seen a bullfight.
Come on.
[crowd] Olé!
Olé!
[cheering]
Olé! Olé!
[whistles]
Bean is not gonna believe this.
I can't wait to tell her.
[laughs] Where did you ever find a woman like that?
A woman you can share everything with.
She's pretty special.
You must be too.
- I could learn from you. - [scoffs] Learn what?
You want my mortgage, my blood pressure?
I've never had my blood pressure taken,
and I wouldn't know how to get a mortgage
for all the teenage twat in Thailand.
You don't own a house?
No house.
No apartment, no address.
- You bullshittin' me? - I shit you not. Montecristo?
Uh... yeah!
Thanks.
You don't have a permanent address? Where do you live?
- I live wherever I'm working. - So, what do you do, Julian?
What do you possibly do you don't have a permanent home or an address?
I'd rather not say.
Oh, my God, did you see that?
Jeez, it's so bloody.
We're lucky. That matador was very good.
It's much worse when they're mediocre.
- Why? - A great matador,
he can kill the bull with one plunge of the blade.
A lesser one, he's going to have to
plunge that blade more than once.
That makes the crowd very unhappy.
They don't like to see the bull suffer.
No.
No, no. They clearly care so very much about these animals.
They respect these beasts.
They want 'em to die with honor.
That's ridiculous. There's no honor in being killed
by a man with a sword whether it's one plunge or 20.
Ah, you're wrong.
You're very wrong.
There is honor.
How would you know?
I do.
You're a mysterious man, Julian.
Mm-hm.
[cheering]
[bull roars]
- [Danny] You won't tell me what you do? - It's... confidential.
Confidential?
What, do you work for the government?
The government? Pfff! Please.
You know what they pay?
Hmph! Forget it. Watch the picadors.
- You a spy? Something like that? - You read too many novels, Danny.
Huh? You a spy?
Huh?
So now you're not going to tell me. It's OK.
It's OK.
All right.
Hm. All right.
If I tell you, will you keep your cool?
- What do you mean? - We're in public,
and I don't want you to lose your shit.
Lose my shit?
My God, w-what are you gonna tell me?
Sometimes...
Sometimes what?
Sometimes...
...people need to be eliminated.
Oh, come on!
[chuckling]
What? You're...
- You're a hit man? - Oh, please.
Please. My handler...
...calls me a facilitator.
A facilitator of fatalities.
That's insane.
Think what you like.
I gotta hand it to ya, Julian,
you're one of the best bullshit artists I've met, and I've met some.
You're absolutely right, Danny. My name is Earl Johnson.
I sell aluminum siding in Minneapolis.
- You actually kill people for a living? - I do what I'm asked to do.
What makes sense to me.
For like, the Mob?
I tend to be hired on the more kind of
anonymous high-paying jobs.
Corporate gigs.
Corporate gigs?
I'm a great helper in getting deals closed.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
- I don't believe in the Easter Bunny. - I don't believe you.
Come on! Corporate gigs.
- Think what you will. - Ridiculous.
- Yes! - Corporate gigs.
Yes! My God...
I knew there was a reason I never told anyone what I did.
Uh-huh.
All right, see that guy over there?
- Fat man and little girl? - Yeah.
Say I wanted him dead.
I want him dead, his family dead. Dead. Right now.
- Right here. - Right now? Couldn't happen.
I know, but say that it could.
- Money's no object. - OK.
- You sure you wanna know? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you sure? - Yeah.
I want you to facilitate it.
OK, Danny.
All right, come with me.
- Huh? - Let's go.
[crowd] Olé!
Olé!
I'm a big fan of the gotta-pee theory of assassinations.
Gotta pee?
Everyone's gotta pee.
Ah.
Now...
...ask me for a cigarette.
- What? - Do it.
Can I have a cigarette, please?
Sure. But these things'll kill ya, you know. [laughs]
Now, look around.
[coughs]
They're scary.
- Yes and no. - Why?
They seem more interested in the beautiful women
coming and going from the ladies' room.
That's good for us.
Just like those men over there at the concession stand.
They're only interested in us
if they see us walking over with our wallets open.
No one is watching the men's room.
The gotta-pee theory.
You're catching on.
Now, escape routes.
- Escape routes? - Don't wanna get caught, right?
Don't get caught, it sucks.
- See the main exit? - Yeah.
That's a traffic jam.
- Where else? - You tell me.
OK, OK.
Uh, that door over there.
If it... if it weren't locked.
Vietnamese girl I once knew had her legs so locked together
I couldn't get a whiff of her spring roll.
Two drinks, half a Quaalude later, I was at an all-you-can eat buffet.
Every lock can be broken.
It's just a matter of will and whether it's worth it.
This looks like it's worth it.
[Julian] Uno cigarillos, por favor.
Why are we buying the cigarettes?
'Cause I wanna smoke.
Gracias.
Come over here.
Now do your shoelaces up.
What time's our flight to Florida, Seymour?
I think 2:00, Derrick.
Let's go, Seymour.
[cheering]
Holy shit!
[chuckles]
[crowd cheering]
- You ready? - Ready for what?
You wanted to see what I do, right?
Yes.
Yes, I've been watching.
- But, you know... - What? Show-and-tell is over.
The real deal is about to start.
- The real deal? - Mm-hm.
Show-and-tell is for sissies.
But a sissy I'm not.
- Come on! - My God, fire!
- Come on. It's a distraction. - Are you crazy?
Fire or tits, either one will distract most cops.
Are you ready to finish what we started?
That was extremely dangerous. You proved your point.
Baloney! Baloney!
The cops may have gone towards the fire,
- but his bodyguard probably stood firm. - Bodyguard?
If I'm asked to kill, they have a bodyguard.
If they didn't, they'd ask you.
So I slit the guard's throat in one move,
push him into the bathroom...
And now we're set up for the kill.
Where the hell did you get the knife?
He's not peeing, so it must be number dos.
OK, joke's over. Point made, Julian.
- Not yet. Not yet. - Point made.
The point's made. Let's get out of here...
Don't fuckin' ruin things, OK? Don't do it.
OK. Julian?
I'm asking you to stop this!
No way, job's not done.
But this is not a job!
You said money was no object!
# Bingo was his name-o #
- This is want you wanted? - No!
- You helped me. - I didn't help you!
Oh, yes, you did!
- Oh, yes, you did! - No! No, no.
Oh, God, no!
Oh! Disculpa me, por favor.
Lo siento.
Fun, huh?
[laughing]
Come on. [laughing]
[Danny] Whoo-hoo! That was incredible!
- You scared the hell out of me! - You liked that. You did?
- I really bought it! - What, that I'd stab a stranger?
[laughing] I don't know.
Just like that? A complete stranger?
Well, yes! Yes, I did.
- I'm not psychotic. - No, I know.
- Psychopathic, not psychotic. - I don't think you're a psychopath.
Well, I kill people. Doesn't that seem a wee bit psychopathic?
Well, yeah, but...
- Don't get the wrong impression. - Huh?
Because we share a laugh doesn't mean I'm not unsavory.
No, what you do is unsavory.
You know what they say. You are what you do.
Gracias.
Tell me...
...will Bean stay with you if this job doesn't come through?
- What? - Will Bean stay with you
if you continue this losing streak without any end?
If she ever left me I'd fall apart...
You're not answering my question.
To be quite honest...
...I don't know how much faith the woman has left in her.
[sighs] Hey.
Hey.
Comforting me?
- Hey. - Let's change the subject. Please.
- I agree. - Something sunnier.
Sunnier.
Absolutely.
There's something I wanted to talk about.
- It's a favor, really. - Sure.
It's big, if that's OK. A big favor.
No, it's OK.
See, the thing is...
...I could use your help.
Help in what?
I'm down here,
I finished my other job early, so I let it be known.
You let it be known?
Yeah, to the powers that be, that I was available.
- The powers that be? - Yeah.
Anyway, they called me up. An urgent thing. Has to happen today.
An-another job?
Mm-hm.
Jesus Christ.
The thing is, I could really use your help.
Oh! [laughs]
You're kidding right now.
I'm as serious as an erection problem.
- I mean, I... - Gracias.
I can't help you, Julian.
You could.
Well, I could, but I-I can't,
I'm not gonna help kill an innocent man.
- Who says he's innocent? - This is ridiculous.
- Just assisting. - No!
- You'd just have to... - No, no, no, no!
I'm not listening. I can't hear you. I can't hear you.
- Bup... - You're being childish.
Ooga-shacka, ooga-shacka...
- Not listening. - Childish.
You're being childish. All I'm asking you...
- Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta! - All right. All right.
I won't tell you.
- Good. - Won't mention it.
- Great. - I won't say that
all you have to do is trip on the street.
- I can't believe you just said that. - Just trip in half an hour
- so his bodyguards look the other way. - No way.
Fifty thousand dollars is what I could pay you.
- No. - A lot of money. Cash.
- It could be interesting and fun. - I said no.
He's a prick, a real prick!
I don't give a darn who he is or what he did
or anything like that.
I'm not gonna help you, Julian. I'm not gonna do that.
And if you bring it up again, I'll... I'll leave.
[Julian clears throat]
- Fine. - Fine.
- Change the subject. - Good. You do it.
- Change it. - You.
- Fine. - OK.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cheerleader.
Really. A cheerleader.
Yeah. I wanted to be thrown in the air and march in the band.
Seriously?
Mm-hm.
That's so funny.
I've got a brother-in-law who was a male cheerleader...
Jesus Christ, Danny! I'm fucking kidding!
I don't want to talk about cheerleaders
unless I talk about getting in a shower with them!
I want to talk about what I wanted to, which you don't want to!
There's nothing to talk about!
Well, then, it was nice knowing you.
Oh, come... Now, Julian...
Come on, what are you... You're leaving?
I've got business to attend to.
- I really thought... - Nothing.
Think nothing. Just consider me the best cocktail party story you ever met.
Bye, Danny.
Julian!
[Phil] So unfortunately, I was right.
I finally got in touch with Alejandra
and she said her bosses are
leaning towards Cardenas and his group,
and not us.
Now, things still might break in our favor.
I mean, their first instinct was to go with us,
but they're getting intense pressure
to sign with a Mexican company.
I'm trying to get Antonio so I can set up
one more meeting with you guys tomorrow.
I'll call you when I hear something.
So hang in there. It's not over yet.
- [hangs up] - [operator speaks Spanish]
- [knocking] - [Julian] Danny.
Danny, it's Julian.
Come on, Danny,
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I know it's late, and I'm a little fucked up.
But... I'm sorry.
I'm a mess! I'm a fucker! Ha!
[sighs] Look, I shouldn't have asked you to help me.
I infringed... I infringed on your kindness,
but please...
...let me tell you I'm sorry.
Let me apologize.
Can't you see how guilty I feel?
Danny!
[glass breaking]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes.
[# Tom Jones: It's Not Unusual]
# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
# But when I see you hanging about
# With anyone
# It's not unusual to see me cry
# I wanna die
# It's not unusual to go out at any time
# But when I see you out and about it's such a crime
# If you should ever wanna be loved by anyone
# It's not unusual It happens every day
# No matter what you say...
[bell tolls]
Hello, Julian.
Getting some culture?
Anytime I can.
You look tired.
I am.
- I need a break. - What are you saying, Julian?
Moscow, Las Vegas, Vienna, the Philippines.
Now Budapest. I'm exhausted.
Well, you know what it's like.
You take a break, we go with a younger, cheaper kid.
- Oh. - He does all right.
Maybe we don't want you back when you're ready to get back in the game.
You'll always want me.
No, not always.
Not if we can save a few dollars.
Not if it gets sloppy again, like in Manila.
That was one time.
Made some people nervous.
It made me nervous.
Well, that's why I need a break.
I don't want to have that happen again.
- It can't. - I know, that's what I'm saying.
But I'm feeling burnt-out, I'm feeling...
...shaky.
Can you believe this shit?
I mean, can you believe the words coming out of my mouth?
Did you ever think you'd live to see the day?
I never thought you'd live to see the day.
There's not a retirement home for assassins, is there?
Archery at four, riflery at five?
A little early-bird dinner at six?
Goddamn it, you leave the game, even for a while,
I don't know if they'll let you back in.
And then what are you gonna do?
Waste days picking up illiterate teenagers
for suck-and-fuck sessions behind the Old Navy store?
- Sounds delightful to me. - Julian, do this job.
If you don't, you're going to regret it, I promise you.
How do you know?
Just do it, Julian. Please, do it. OK?
[exhales]
[grunts]
[breathing heavily]
Oh.
[muffled gunshots]
[bell tolls]
We have a problem, Mr. Randy.
The problem is Julian Noble.
Seems he didn't deliver the portfolio.
You know...
...it says it took 53 years
to paint this ceiling.
People are upset, Mr. Randy.
Mr. Stick is upset.
Mr. Stick knows?
Mr. Stick knows.
Well, he knows we can fix it.
I'm just the messenger.
But he knows we can fix it.
We always fix any problems.
You can't fix it with Noble.
Ladies.
All right. I'll replace him.
No.
Yes, you'll replace him,
but no.
Mr. Stick has asked for other things.
No, it's ridiculous.
Julian has been with us for 22 years.
Two little mistakes...
Julian Noble... is a dead man.
[Danny] Oh! Ohh! Oh, yeah!
- Oh, that's it, Danny boy! - Oh, yeah!
Give it to me, Danny boy!
[both panting and grunting]
Danny boy! Oh! Uh!
[grunting]
Oh! Excellent.
- [buzzing] - Oh!
- Laundry's done. - Oh!
[wind blowing]
Tomorrow's four years.
I know.
It's such a long time, really, when you think about it.
Seems like yesterday, right?
Henry was alive...
...here.
When I was first in high school, I told you they made fun of me.
And they called me Hippo Hips
and Plate of Beans, the works.
And even though I did basketball
and... and chorus and...
And I had a few friends and I acted strong...
...I never was.
Because I believed them always, every last cruel word.
And I...
I always thought I would believe them.
Until I met you.
You arrived in 12th grade...
...and you told me that I was pretty.
And for the first time, I believed it.
You told me that I was sexy.
You were sexy back there on the dryer.
And when Henry died...
[crying]... you told me to stay strong...
...and that we would get through it.
And we did.
We did.
It's because you never gave up on me.
I never could.
I never will.
[doorbell ringing]
Who could that be at 11:30 at night?
[doorbell continues ringing]
[knocking on door]
Yeah?
[Julian] Danny Wright?
Yes. Who's there?
Danny, Danny!
Danny with the large white fanny!
- Julian! - Would you mind opening up, Danny?
It's freezing out here! My balls are like bonbons!
[laughing]
I was praying you'd remember me.
It's been a spell.
[chuckles]
Please, please, come on...
- Come on in. - Thank you, thank you.
[laughs]
Oooh!
Hey.
Oh, I decided to...
How did you find me?
I found a whore with a heart of gold once.
I can find Danny Wright's card in my address book.
[giggles]
Oh.
Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize. Sorry.
It's OK.
You must be Bean.
- My wife. - Oh, this...
- Um... - Oh, my...
My boots.
I've heard so much about you.
And me, you.
Oh...
There's no doubt you're every bit as lovely as Danny said.
[chuckling] Danny...
I always said you were the luckiest man I ever met.
Well...
What are you doing here, Julian?
I really don't know.
I don't know.
I hope it's all right, my being here. I mean...
I guess it's the middle of the night. [chuckling]
- Yes, it's... - Well...
I could sure use some coffee.
Just a cup.
Yes. All right.
Of course. I could get coffee.
That'd be great.
- Or some whiskey? - Even better.
- Mm. - Tonight's a night for whiskey, then.
And song and dance.
Well, whiskey, at least.
This is really odd.
Really, really odd.
I could ask him to leave.
We just asked him to stay.
We could change our minds.
Why? Do you think he's dangerous?
He's an assassin, Bean. Of course he's dangerous.
But I mean "dangerous" dangerous.
You said he was a nice guy.
He is. For an assassin, he's... very nice.
Fuck.
Fuckity-fuck!
What? I'm allowed to curse.
Especially now. If not now, when?
True.
This is the fucking perfect time
to be fucking cursing.
There's a fucking killer
standing in our fucking living room.
Do you think he would show me his gun?
[Bean] A toast, maybe?
To a stranger,
arriving in the middle of the night.
Well, you're not a stranger.
Well, I'm pretty strange.
Be that as it may, you're not a stranger, Julian.
Far from it.
The toast really should be to you, Danny.
And to you, Bean.
For your hospitality and your warmth.
- Oh. - [coughs]
Hmm! [chuckling]
I never thought I'd see you again, Julian.
I never thought I'd see you again, Danny.
But, well...
...things, uh...
Things change. They just change.
[Julian] Is that?
- You saved it. - I did.
You saved it. I can't believe it.
- [Bean] He still talks about that. - No, it's...
It touches me that you kept it.
How could I not?
- That was a special day. - Yes.
So Danny told you what I did?
Professionally?
Did you bring your gun?
Yes... as a matter of fact.
May I see it?
Really?
- Yes, please. - Honey, he's not just...
- Here you go. - OK.
Is that a.38?
Yes, it is.
You know your guns, Bean.
Yes, well...
My God.
You are a magnificent woman.
Hm.
Bean knows a lot of things about a lot of things.
Bean, tell me,
did Danny tell you everything
about our time in Mexico together?
Yes, I'm sure. Why?
Oh.
My God, you look great, Danny.
[laughing] Really great.
- You do too, Julian. - Oh, no.
I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning
after the Navy left town.
But you...
Life's been good to you, am I right?
Pretty good, yeah.
Your work? You have that respect you wanted back again?
I do.
So you got that job you were in Mexico for?
We did.
And your luck? It's better, right?
No more trees in the kitchen?
You told him about that?
And you love Bean more than ever.
Mm. That I do.
Then what more could you want?
Here's a toast.
To a man with respect again,
to a woman who's more lovely than any man deserves
and to me.
What is the toast to you for?
Toast to a dead man, Bean.
Toast to a dead man.
[Julian] Then about two months ago I had this job in Manila.
Now, normally, this would make me happy.
I like the hot climate.
The guys look like chicks. It's fucking fantastic.
The thing was, I was burnt-out.
I didn't know it, didn't even know what "burnt-out" meant at the time.
But I was. I was a classic textbook case.
[Julian] I was having panic attacks.
I was completely losing control of myself.
I tried to counter this with booze, of course,
but nothing was working.
I drank and drank and...
...nothing.
I was still feeling edgy,
still feeling like my head was going to explode.
So...
...I moved on to my other usual diversions.
A wonderful little whorehouse I knew
right off of Mabini Street.
But that wasn't workin' either.
And a good fuck usually does.
Excuse my French.
- Go on. - So I had this assignment.
Nothing special, some copper wire executive,
someone doesn't want him around.
You know, my usual type gig.
Well, I knew that this copper wire guy
always came to this sweaty little outdoor market every Thursday
to buy fruit.
The guy liked his fruit.
[monkeys chattering]
It was a simple plan.
As he walks through the crowds I bump into him
and stab him.
The thing was, I was still a mess.
And every time I looked at the guy, I didn't see him,
but I saw a little boy instead!
And it wasn't just any boy.
It was me.
Me, as a child!
It was freaky shit, right?
Real nervous breakdown sort of stuff.
Still readied the knife, still prepared for the job.
But...
...I couldn't do it.
I just couldn't do it.
Then what happened?
I woke up in a pile of donkey shit.
I fainted.
And I guess I landed in a pile of donkey shit.
[donkeys braying]
And since then,
it's been extremely hot and cold.
Some jobs go OK, others not so OK.
And then a few weeks ago I fucked up again. In Budapest.
Froze.
Right at the moment I should have been firing.
[sighs] Couldn't finish the job.
And that was that.
And now it's just a matter of time.
Well, isn't there somebody that you can talk to?
Like Mary Beth in Human Resources?
Come on, this is... this is insane.
They're gonna kill you for botching a job?
Mm-hm.
Well, can't you just, you know, say to them,
you know, "You know what? I'm sorry.
You know, I was a little burned out,
and I'm a little messed up."
I mean, can't you do that? But...
I mean, you were seeing images of yourself as a small boy.
If that's not a Freudian meltdown, I don't know what is.
But certainly, they have to see that.
No, they don't. They don't.
I mean, I...
I'd be dead if my handler hadn't risked his life
and tipped me off to the plans.
I barely got out of Budapest alive.
And how did you end up here?
In Denver?
Hm.
That's funny.
Some people run home in a time of crisis.
My problem,
the problem I shared with Danny in Mexico,
is that I don't have a home.
I mean...
...that's why I'm here.
You're the only friend I have.
Oh, well, that's... that's ridiculous.
I... You have... you have friends.
I don't.
I really don't.
You all right?
[laughing] It's fucking crazy, right?
You're my only friend, and I barely know you.
[chuckles]
This home...
...your home...
[sighs]
...it's the only home I know.
[Julian] God, she's really fantastic, Danny.
She's lovely.
[Danny] She's everything to me.
You said that to me in Mexico.
And I nodded and listened...
...but now I see.
I see.
You were right.
You told her everything that happened in Mexico?
I told her about our time together, yes.
And where does that story end?
She knows the last I heard of you
you were knocking on my room in the middle of the night
asking forgiveness for trying to involve me in a job.
That's what you said?
That I knocked and knocked.
And you never answered?
Yes.
[Bean] Gentlemen.
- I'm a bit drunk. - [Julian chuckles]
That's a nice place to be.
Julian, you will stay the night, of course?
Oh, thank you, Bean.
I promise I'll be out of here tomorrow.
Oh, let's not talk about that now.
You know, I don't think I've been up with a guest
till 2:30 in the morning in a long time.
It's good, right?
- Oh, it's very good. - Hey...
Can I turn on your stereo?
- Sure. Now? - Yeah, I saw this old record of yours,
and I just wanted to hear In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning. You know?
Since we're in the wee small hours of the morning?
Is that OK?
Certainly. I guess.
[# Dave Van Norden: In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning]
[Julian] Danny.
I hope you approve, but...
...I would really like to ask your wife to dance.
Julian, you have had too much to drink.
Bean.
Please, may I have this dance?
# In the wee small hours
# Of the morning
# While the whole wide world
# Is fast asleep
# You lie awake
# And think about the girl
# And never, ever think
# Of counting sheep
# When your lonely heart
# Has learned its lesson
# You'd be hers
# If only she would call
# In the wee small hours
# Of the morning
- # That's the time... - Bravo! Bravo!
- [laughing] - [pounding]
I learned to dance in a South American jail by a chap named Morales.
Well, that's another story, another time.
The final nightcap.
I can't think about the headache I'm gonna have.
Then don't. Or do. Take three aspirins and a raw egg
before you go to bed.
Where'd you hear that one? The Assassin's Book of Home Remedies?
[both laughing]
The only woman I ever loved.
My mother.
- What about your wife? - Hm?
- My wife? - Danny told me that you were married
and that she died in a car accident. You loved her.
Um...
Oh, my God!
I can't believe this!
I was never married.
- I can't believe this! - No car accident?
No. I'd been insensitive to Danny about your son
and was trying to win him over. It was stupid.
You know what, I'm the one that was stupid.
No, no, no, no, no!
You're not stupid. I'm a prick! Me, not you!
The thing is, I could have kept lying to you now,
but I chose not to, as a sign of respect.
Because... well, now we're friends.
Oh.
We are friends, aren't we?
So, what other bullshit did you pour over me?
Yeah, are you even a hit man, Julian?
Yeah, a facility fatalitator, whatever the fuck you call yourself.
Yes, I am.
And to answer your question, Danny, I lie when I need to,
tell the truth when I can.
With you...
...it's mostly been the truth.
[clears throat] Shall I go?
No.
No...
[laughing]
Aren't we fucking cosmopolitan?
Having a trained assassin stay over the night.
Letting heartbreaking lies
just roll over us like the summer breeze.
Next we shall be wife swapping. Ha!
You don't have a wife.
Remember?
[both laugh]
[laughs]
That's a good point.
[breathing]
[door opens]
[whispers] Danny.
Danny.
- Danny. - No. I don't like chicken.
Come on. I've gotta talk to you.
What is it, Julian? What do you want?
We can't talk about it here.
- What? - Come on.
[Danny] OK, Julian, we're in your rent-a-car.
- What is it? - The thing is, Danny...
...the thing I didn't tell you,
the thing that I omitted because Bean was present,
was that I've been offered a way out of my fatal predicament.
- Well, that's good. - I know, I know.
No, that's really good. What is it?
My handler, Mr. Randy, contacted me like he always does
with an ad in the International Tribune looking for cat-sitters in Bali.
Is that how you stay in contact? Cat-sitter ads?
Yeah.
OK, you know, this is ridiculous.
- I'm so tired, Julian. - Well, anyway,
he contacted me four days ago
and basically said he'd been to the higher-ups
and got me a reprieve.
Well, like I said, that's... that's... great news.
The thing is...
...he's asked me to do one more job.
I have no choice. It's do the job or else.
Right.
And that brings us to the dirty little problem.
All right.
What's the problem?
It's a pretty big problem, and you're really not gonna like it.
- I'm not gonna like it? - Not at all.
Because the job...
...involves you.
You're not saying what I think you're saying.
What do you think I'm saying?
You know what I think you're saying.
No. I don't think I know what you think I'm saying.
Does somebody want me dead?
- No. - What's that?
No one wants you dead, Danny.
- Jesus! - [whimpering] You scared me!
No. No...
You were doing that...
But I need your help in facilitating a fatality.
- What? - I need your help.
No, no, no. My help is exactly what you don't need.
I'm a mess, Danny, you know that.
I'm a complete mess.
I don't know if I can do this job by myself.
You gotta talk to somebody else, a colleague.
- I don't know colleagues. - You must!
- I don't. - Well, I can't help you.
I know you're not the ideal candidate...
No. I'm far, far from ideal, Julian.
Remember my reaction the last time you proposed something this asinine?
That was Mexico. I was trying to show you a good time!
Oh, so now killing somebody is a good time?
Can be.
- Oh... I'm going to sleep. - Danny, come on.
You don't even need a second person.
Haven't you done these things yourself?
Some jobs are better with two men.
I think it's better if the second man isn't scared shitless,
and... and unprepared.
And unqualified and uninterested!
Now I'm gonna go to bed.
I'm in a very dangerous position here.
I'm in no shape to try this myself.
An assassin without confidence is a horrible thing.
It's like a relief pitcher who fumbles the ball.
Tell me you know you mixed two sports in your metaphor.
Huh? I can't do that.
Yeah.
Danny! Danny, please!
I need your help!
Someone's gonna die, a stranger or me.
Which would you rather? Hm?
Look,
if I can do the job successfully, I'm free and clear.
Free and clear, Danny!
I have enough money to retire to a beautiful Greek island
with beautiful Greeks.
Heaven awaits me, Danny, if you and I do this job.
- I can't. - Oh, damn it, Danny!
You're my only friend!
- Oh, Julian. - It's true!
And...
- Oh... - And what?
And...
[sighs]
You owe me.
If this were to happen, when would it take place?
Today. The horse races.
- Today? - Yeah, Arizona.
No, that couldn't happen.
Sorry, no choice.
Today is the four-year anniversary of my son Henry's death.
We go to the cemetery. That's what we do.
What time does the cemetery close, Danny?
Well, I-I don't know.
We'll have you back at 4:30, flowers in hand. I promise.
Oh. Oh. You'll do that? OK.
How will you do that, Julian?
Well, we have a 7:40 plane reservation to Tucson this morning.
Plenty of time to catch the 2:30 back.
- We do? - Mm-hm.
I made it yesterday. First class. Real fancy.
Now, chop-chop.
Upstairs. Get dressed. Make a story up to Bean.
We've gotta get this road on the show. Eh?
Danny.
[# Asia: Heat of the Moment]
# I never meant to be so bad to you
# One thing I said that I would never do
# One look from you and I would fall from grace
# And that would wipe the smile right from my face
# Do you remember when we used to dance?
# An incidence arose from circumstance
# One thing led to another We were young
# And we would scream together songs unsung
# It was the heat of the moment
# Telling me what your heart meant
# The heat of the moment
# Showed in your eyes
[chatter over walkie-talkie]
[alarm blares]
# Heat of the moment
# Telling me what your heart meant
[Danny] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I... I...
I did it. I did it.
I did it, I leaned against that.
I was yawning, and I apologize. I just...
Ah. Turn it off!
Sorry.
Bingo.
[crowd roaring]
[no alarm]
[playing fanfare]
[horses snorting]
[crowd roars]
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[panting]
Julian!
Hey. Julian!
Julian!
Julian?
Hey.
What... what the hell is going on?
Julian!
You drag me out to Arizona,
to the goddamn horse races.
To do this job, right?
To do this job, this one last job.
To kill somebody that I don't even know
so that you can live out the rest of your life with Greeks...
"Beautiful little Greeks, Danny!" We do... I do everything perfectly.
Not you, me. Perfectly.
Did you see me, Julian? I was brilliant!
You get a clean shot. You had a clean shot,
and you don't take it? What's going on?
I've lost it, Danny.
Oh, really? Well, they're gonna kill you.
But I've lost it.
That... that's an unacceptable answer!
- But it's the truth. - Oh, jeez.
Hey. Hey.
Concentrate here, OK?
I need you to concentrate.
Just look at me, Danny, look at me.
I'm a wreck. I'm a parody.
Julian, you gotta go up there and finish this job.
No, no, just leave me alone.
Please, just forget everything.
I can't believe I'm in a stairwell
trying to convince you to assassinate somebody!
Just go. Just go, Danny. Just go. Go.
No.
No, we're gonna do this.
But I can't.
Julian, you have to. Hey, you have to, OK?
If you don't, they're gonna kill you. You understand?
- Yeah. - You understand?
And I won't let that happen.
Huh? I refuse to let that happen. How about that?
We're gonna go up there together, I'm gonna talk you through it.
OK? I'm gonna talk you through it.
And you are gonna do the job that you came to do. OK?
OK? All right?
- Huh? Huh? - Yeah.
- OK. - OK.
All right, up. Up, up, up, up. There you go.
- OK? - You're gonna stay there with me?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- You're gonna talk me through it? - That's right.
Thank you.
All right, let's go kill this motherfucker already
and get the hell out of here.
[female voices] Go, Julian!
Yay!
Thank you.
No, really, I mean it.
I was a mess back there.
You helped me.
You helped me a lot.
I think I can handle the deviant Julian.
I can handle the lying Julian.
I can even handle the killing Julian.
I just don't know if I can handle the humble pie Julian.
[laughing]
Well, enjoy it. It won't last.
That's a given.
[bell dings over PA]
Really, it's...
...no problem.
You said it yourself.
I owed you.
Do you think if you hadn't opened the door that night in Mexico City
the two of us would be sitting on this plane now?
Probably not.
[knocking]
[Julian] Come on, I want to say I'm sorry.
I know it's late, and I'm a little fucked up.
But I'm sorry.
Can't you see how guilty I feel?
Danny!
- Danny! - Hold on, Julian.
I'm coming.
I don't know what I'll do if I don't get this job.
[sighs]
And you're sure if I kill off this Cardenas guy you'll get the contract?
He's our only competition.
And you can live with that?
Yeah.
You can live with that blood on your hands, hm?
Isn't that what people do?
Don't people...
...successful people...
...always live with blood on their hands?
[Danny] You became my friend that night, Julian.
You became my lifelong friend.
I'm not gonna do it for you.
You're making a late night...
...exhausted, desperate decision,
and if I did it, you would regret it instantly
and feel nothing but guilt and shame
for the rest of your life, believe me.
I'm so scared, Julian.
Guys like you...
...you think you have no luck.
But you have all the luck in the world.
You just need to see it.
She's at home waiting for you.
If I did that job for you,
your luck would run bad for the rest of your days.
You don't want me to do it, anyway. I know you don't.
You're not that type of person.
Hm.
That's why I like you.
[laughing] You're the exact opposite of me.
Huh?
[Danny] You surprised me that night.
I surprised myself.
Well...
...I guess your boss must be satisfied, right?
You completed the assignment,
no longer on the hit list.
Well, I'm no longer on the hit list,
but I didn't do any assignment.
I don't understand.
I thought your boss wanted you to do this job.
My boss...
...Mr. Stick...
...he was the job.
You mean we just killed...
We killed the man who wanted to kill me.
Problem solved.
You...
[chuckling]
You son of a bitch.
Among many other things.
- Don't ever hit me again. - Sorry.
[laughing]
[# The Killers: All These Things That I've Done]
# When there's nowhere else to run
# Is there room for one more son?
# One more son
# If you can hold on
# Hold on
# I wanna stand up
# I wanna let go
# You know, you know
# No, you don't, you don't
# I want to shine on
# In the hearts of men
# I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
# Another head aches
# Another heart breaks
# I'm so much older
# Than I can take
# And my affection
# Well, it comes and goes
# I need direction to perfection
# No, no, no, no
# Help me out, yeah
# You know you gotta help me out, yeah
# Don't you put me on the backburner
# You know you gotta help me out, yeah