God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our saviour was born on Christmas Day
Shh. You're too loud.
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy
"Fear not then," said the angel "Let nothing you affright
"This day is born a saviour of a pure virgin bright
"To free all those who trust in him from Satan's power and..."
Male, 9 years old. Possible ruptured eardrum.
His name's Paul.
- You're his parents? - Yes.
- I need to get some basic information. - He'll be all right.
So, this is Paul. Last name, please.
- Potts. P-O-double T-S. - Paul Pott.
- What, like the Cambodian dictator? - Not at all like the Cambodian dictator.
How long since it occurred?
About an hour. He collapsed during choir practice.
It's a miracle he hasn't ruptured our eardrums with all his hooting.
He's passionate. Will he be able to sing again?
Oh, yes, I don't see an issue there.
Fluid buildup in the ear, but we'll have him right as rain in no time.
So, he'll be fine? It's not dangerous?
Well, could be. But we can't tell until we fish around inside his noggin.
Café's just down the corridor.
He'll be right as rain, love.
Come on.
As long as I can remember, I've wanted to sing.
I mean, really sing.
I was born with what our choir master called "a big voice
A voice that was "born to sing opera," said my mum.
And so I did.
At home, in school, in church, on the bus.
There he is! Get him!
Get back here, Pottsy!
It turned out not everybody loved opera,
and not everybody loved the sound of my voice as much as my mum.
Get him! We're gonna get you, Pottsy!
Get back here, you big fat blob!
And I got teased and bullied,
mostly by my classmate Matthew Spade and his gang,
if you can call a bunch of 9-year-olds a gang.
The more they bullied me, the more I sang.
The more I sang, the more they bullied me.
- Come on, Pottsy! - Singing. Bullying.
- Bullying and singing. - Oy! Fatty!
It was a seemingly endless drama full of music
and violence and romance and comedy.
Kind of like an opera.
The opera of my life.
Tidings of comfort and joy
Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface
O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy
That's very nice indeed.
"Be gentle with me," said she. “Unicorns are not meant for human love."
"But, lady," said I, "I am only half human." And I laid her down, and took her
there amidst the moss and leaves of the forest floor.
- That was your weekend? - In a nutshell. Yours?
- Did you just say you shagged a horse? - It's a game.
Role playing. Like Dungeons & Dragons, but for real.
She was a girl, but dressed as a horse?
- A unicorn. - Right. And you were...?
A half-elf wizard from the Black Mages Guild of Quilanthium.
- OK. - And how's your girlfriend?
Oh. She's brilliant. She really is. She's absolutely fantastic.
And are you actually planning on meeting her at any point?
- She keeps asking me, but... - But what?
You've been texting over a year. What are you waiting for?
- Nothing, it's just... - You're not 100 per cent sure
she's actually a woman.
Of course I am. I'm sure she is.
I'm absolutely sure that she definitely must be. Let me show you this text.
She sent me this the other night. This is like, 11.00. She says...
Oh, God.
What's crawled up his arse?
The signal on this phone is total crap.
Right.
The thing is, for the service to actually work,
the phone itself should really be in no more than three or four pieces.
- It's under warranty. - Of course.
I'll tell you what. How's about this, Gandalf?
You give me a phone that works, and I won't lodge this one up your arse.
I doubt you'd get much of a signal up there.
- Oh. Nearly forgot. Here. - Cheers.
I took the liberty while you were bravely cowering in the back...
Took the liberty to do what?
Sunday morning, Port Talbot railway station.
Your boyfriend's on the 9.15 from Cardiff.
You did what?
It's not easy losing your virginity to someone 50 miles away.
- So, you invited her here? - You did, as far as she knows.
- Jesus. She looks like Cameron Diaz! - Oh, how terrible.
- Yeah, it is. - In what univ...?
Hold on. You told her you looked like someone famous as well.
- A bit. Yeah. - Who?
Brad?
Cameron?
You're a woman.
What?
That is fantastic.
Thank you. Well, you've obviously got a very low bar. That's a good thing.
Welcome to Port Talbot.
Thank you.
Sorry I'm late. I...
- I thought you stood me up. - No, I wouldn't dare.
No, I was... I wanted to get you something, but the florist was shut,
- so I got you this. It's a good one. - Aw.
You don't need batteries. You wind it up.
- Oh, wow. Thank you. - It's orange.
- Do you like it? - Yeah.
It's a torch.
It's ace.
You hungry?
- Always. - Great.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Right. So, there's bad pub food or really bad pub food.
- Oh. - Which do you prefer?
So many options, so little time.
Oh.
It's just my mum making sure that I'm still alive
and you haven't murdered me.
As if I'd murder you in broad daylight.
I'd wait till it was dark. I wouldn't do it on the high street.
I'm not actually gonna murder you. I'm babbling. I'm nervous.
Don't be.
- Really nice gloves. - Paul?
- Thank you. - Is that you, love?
Oh, God.
- Well, bless my soul! - Hi.
Well, hello.
- I'm Paul's mum. - It's my mum.
- Lovely to meet you. - This is Julz. It's...
Why didn't you tell...?
You must come to lunch.
- My husband would love to meet you. - Absolutely not.
You need to be getting back.
I'd love to come. Let me help you with this.
Thank you, love. Aren't you lovely? Now you must tell me all about yourself.
- That's a lovely torch. - Oh, thank you very much.
Then I thought to myself, "I haven't got the slightest interest
"in die-cast aluminium figurines." So, I got a job at the pharmacy in Boots.
Honest job, Boots.
As is Carphone Warehouse.
Have some more potatoes, love.
Oh. Thank you. Gosh, that's loads. Thank you.
And your parents, what do they do?
Dad.
- It's all right. My mother works... - Her mum's a seamstress.
Her dad's on disability from the plant in Bristol.
Oh. Did Paul tell you, I met his mother in Bristol?
No.
I spent ten years in the metalworks over there in Redfield, near that pub.
Yeah, the Black Horse. That's where Paul was conceived.
- Back seat of Roland's car. - That's what we're gonna talk about?
Why not? It was wonderful.
Paul tells me you were quite the rugby player in your time.
Mm.
I did once fracture
- Gareth Edwards' clavicle. - Here we go.
Yeah, he was running down the wing, about to cut inside...
I made the front page of the South Wales Argus, I did.
That was a proud day.
You're not the only celebrity in the family, then.
Paul could get a job at the steelworks.
Get a flat of his own.
Hard to come by, union benefits these days.
- I'd sooner sleep under a bridge. - That can be arranged.
No, Paul's gonna be a wonderful singer.
Oh, God.
I thought you two only met this morning?
Nonsense. How could I be his girlfriend if we've only just met?
It turns out that all the time we thought he was on his computer looking at porn,
he was actually e-mailing this lovely thing.
Look at him blushing now.
Couldn't you just eat him up?
You'd need a couple of sittings.
Wow.
I knew you were mad for opera, but I didn't know you were completely psycho for it.
What's this?
This is "Che Gelida Manina" from La Bohéme by Puccini.
Pavarotti sung this aria in 1961
in a singing competition that changed his life.
What, like made him a superstar?
Leave them be, Roland! Do you wanna scare her off?
On the contrary. I'm trying to rescue her from the bloody violins.
Do you wanna go for a walk?
Yeah. Yeah, all right.
- And opera, just...? - I always loved it, since I was a kid.
From the first time I heard Pavarotti sing "Nessun Dorma," that was...
- You must have been a very strange boy. - I was. I still am.
No, I always loved it.
It's like a dream world to me,
where people speak their feelings and say exactly what they mean.
In French or Italian.
That's the beauty of it. Like, if you just shut your eyes and listen to it,
suddenly you're somewhere else. Like, somewhere beautiful,
or exciting and dramatic and real.
Like more real than real life could ever be.
I think I am only truly happy when I am listening to or singing opera.
- Will you sing for me? - Oh...
- Go on, just a little bit. Go on. Why not? - It's not...
I get nervous.
OK.
Someday, then?
Someday.
- One foot and then the other. - Yeah.
Have you ever seen him live, Pavarotti?
No, but he's on the board of the opera
school I'm saving up for to go to in Venice.
So, it's all about meeting him?
There's no chance he'll be there. But the school's got a great track record
of placing singers in other companies and, I don't know...
An opera career is too much to hope for, but it's all I ever hope for.
Until today.
How much money do you need?
I'm still short about 500 quid.
When is it?
In three weeks.
I'm thinking of selling my body.
How will you get the other 498 pounds?
Aw. Thanks a lot.
Yeah, 2 pounds... Is that it? That's all I'm worth, 2 pounds?
He was just mean, really.
Shagged my best friend and then told me it was because I was getting too...
- It doesn't matter. - Sounds like a tosser.
Yeah. Enormous tosser.
- Capital of Uruguay? - Montevideo.
Hey, not just a pretty face.
I'm way over it.
I don't need that much love. I don't expect it, coming from where I do,
but nothing ventured, nothing gained.
You gotta take chances sometimes, don't you? It'd be brilliant to take a chance
on something worthwhile for a change. The Cuban missile crisis.
If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?
Um... Well, seeing as I'm a dead ringer for Cameron Diaz...
She's got her own career,
famous boyfriends, and an arse I'd sell my mum for.
- You? - Martina Navratilova.
- Serious? - Eighteen grand slams.
Oh, right.
I wouldn't be anybody else. I just wanna be myself.
- No, you've gotta be someone. - I don't want to.
That confident, are we?
No, on the contrary.
If I was someone else, I wouldn't be here with you.
Hello, Paul. What are you doing here?
- Is this...? This is! You are. - I am...?
- She is. - You're a girl.
- Why do people keep saying that? - This is Julz.
- And you are...? - Hydrangea.
- Hi. - Is that a unicorn?
- Uh... - Oh, you must be the...
Have you signed up for the contest?
- What contest? - What contest?
- No point. I've got it all sewn up. - Biggest twat in the world?
- Most perfunctory love-maker? - Actually, the annual talent contest.
- Spottiest back? - Laugh at me now.
You won't be when I do my comedy routine.
- Three hundred pounds for the winner. - Is it?
Come on, Seinfeld. You can wash my motor scooter.
- Is that code? - Don't be a prick.
All right.
- See you tomorrow, Pottsy. - See you.
- That's Braddon. He's my boss. - No way.
The less you think about him, the better.
- What time's your train? - Ten to.
- What time is it now? - Oh.
- Quarter to. - Right. Come on.
Oh, God. We've gotta go. We've gotta get a move on here.
Come on.
- I've had a lovely day. - I've had the best time.
So, I'll see you when you get back?
- From where? - From Venice, of course.
Well, that could be years.
Nonsense. You're gonna win that talent competition.
Listen, if the next time we speak,
you're not ringing me from a gondola in Venice, then...
Well, you'll never have another one of these.
- See you, Brad. - Bye, Cameron.
This is gold dust, this stuff. This bit's classic, OK?
Belly-button fluff. Why is it always blue?
- It's always blue! - Fire at will, boys!
Even if I've been wearing a red top or... All right.
No matter what, it's always blue. Hilarious, isn't it?
Thanks very much. I'm Braddon Evans. Peace out.
I bet Billy Connolly is shaking in his boots right now.
- Port Talbot's answer to Norman Wisdom. - Went well.
- What are you wearing? - I'm Pavarotti as Canio in Pagliacci.
I don't understand what that means. You just made noises.
It's a character that... It doesn't matter.
Next, singing... Blimey.
"Vesti la giubba."
- We have the vocal stylings of Paul Potts. - That's you.
Next thing you'll tell me, we've got Robert Mugabe doing the juggling.
That is so obvious. I could've come up with that.
I chose not to. That's the difference.
- Off you go. - I'm gonna be sick.
- Is he coming or what? - He can't get through the door!
- Go on, Tubsy! - Seriously, bud.
- You've gotta get on! Get on now! - I can't do it. Oh, my God.
What are you wearing?
Somebody call the zoo. There's a panda on the loose!
Great buns just like Michelin Man!
Somebody chuck him a biscuit!
Get off the stage, man, your pies are ready!
What are you gonna sing, "Tears of a Clown"?
Maybe he's gonna eat the microphone.
That's not my song.
That's not me. That's not my music.
Hey, quiet, man! Let the pregnant lady sing!
Oh, my God, he's swallowed Pavarotti!
Come on! That's my boy! Pottsy!
Thank you. Cheers.
- Well done! - Thanks so much.
Thank you. Cheers. Oh, thanks.
Thanks very much. Cheers.
- Well done, I suppose. - Thanks, mate.
You're ahead of your time.
They'll only learn to appreciate me when I'm dead.
- It'll be easier for me then. - Can't you be kind?
I'm depressed and hopeless. Self-esteem's at its lowest.
You're describing symptoms of being your girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
Look who it is, the big star of the night.
Hello, Pottsy. Who you supposed to be, then?
- Casper the obese ghost? - Get off me!
Looks like I'm the winner of this contest.
Give it back!
I didn't catch that. You'll have to sing louder.
I said give it back!
My turn, is it? You're gonna pay for that.
May the Flame of Arveron sustain me!
Remember this?
No.
- Where the hell did you get that from? - From me, mate.
That was brilliant. Would have made Pete Townshend proud.
Now you want to keep smashing it, then set it on fire.
- You all right? - Yeah. Let's just get out of here.
- Truce? - I'll have you for this.
Can I have another go? That was exhilarating.
No.
Leave him.
Cheers, then.
- That was incredible. You saved us. - That's got me all hot and bothered.
My car's around the corner. We can be at my place in four minutes.
You were stupendous tonight, Pottsy! You're my hero!
Mine too!
See you.
- Hello? - Hey, Cameron.
- Who is this? - It's me, Paul.
- I knew a Paul once, but... - Aw. Come on, you can't be mad at me.
Three weeks goes way past playing hard to get.
It's been 19 days, and you said not to call until I was settled.
- Where? - In Venice.
- You're really there? - I can hardly believe it myself.
But I'm actually here.
You're serious? You're not having me on?
No, it's true. I'm calling you now from the middle of the Grand Canal.
Well, tell me everything.
Where are you staying? Have you got a nice place?
Well, it's not big, but it's got a real Venetian balcony
on a quiet little Venetian street.
The school is brilliant. It's an old 16th century palazzo
right in the heart of the city.
Every morning starts off with four hours of intensive Italian.
Which I find comes quite easily.
In the afternoons, we study opera with Signora Fiorentino,
who has almost nothing but praise for my technique.
Once in a while, we practise stage combat.
Ow! It's meant to be acting class, not stabbing class. That really hurt. Jesus.
And the food? It must be incredible.
Oh. It's bellissimo. So fresh and authentic.
There's nothing else quite like it.
Not to mention the art and the architecture.
Which is amazing. I visited a museum yesterday
that had over 50 paintings by Tintoretto.
I think Mum's got one of them in the downstairs loo.
And the people? Have you made loads of friends?
Oh, yeah, loads. There's parties every night. It's non-stop.
So, do you miss me?
Terribly.
Good.
Here is some very exciting news.
In two weeks, Il Maestro, Pavarotti, will visit the school
to teach a master class.
Unfortunately, he has not the time to hear everyone sing.
So, we will choose for him the best students from our recital of duets.
The most outstanding will sing solo for the Maestro.
I want to win.
- Right. Yeah, that would be lovely. - No, you don't understand.
I want to win.
I'm not so sure it's important for you to sing for Pavarotti.
No, it is. It's important. It's the most important thing in the world.
To sing well for Pavarotti can make your whole career. Do you understand?
Right. Yeah.
So, if you screw it up, I'll get my brothers to hurt you. Badly.
No, no, no, Paulo, no. Look at Alessandra, not at your shoes.
You are Rodolfo. She is Mimi.
This is... How you say? The spark.
The moment of love creation.
O lovely girl. O sweet face.
I see you in a dream, I will dream forever.
- You have been in love, yes? - Yeah.
And how did you show your girl this?
I bought her a torch. The florist was shut. It was a rechargeable one.
Alessandra is a beautiful girl, no?
- Yep. - Look. With your eyes.
Mm. Yeah, no, she's very pretty.
Is OK.
You have two weeks before the recital. Two weeks to make us believe
that you are more in love than any two people have ever been in love.
Dream only of each other. Think of nothing and nobody else.
Again.
Paulo. Will you travel for the fine settimana?
Uh, the weekend? No, I was gonna stay here and practise.
Don't you want to practise together with me?
Together? No, well, yeah, that'd be great.
We can get to know each other. I can take you home to meet my family.
- Does that include your brothers? - Don't worry, they'll love you.
- You said they were gonna kill me. - No one is going to kill you.
- I was joking. - No, you weren't.
I am her dad.
Mama...
Shut up.
Hm?
She only means to say you should be true to yourself.
It's what she always taught me, and what I've taught my children.
Alessandra, for example, she is a great singer.
We believe in her so she can believe in herself.
That's what families do.
To Paul!
You were amazing tonight.
I can't...
What's wrong?
Nothing, it's...
You don't like to kiss me?
No, I do. I like... I really like... It's just...
You have a girlfriend at home.
Yeah, a girlfriend. Or at least, I think I do.
Signora Fiorentino was right.
You have a wonderful heart, Paulo.
- Sod off. - It's true.
You're not taking the piss?
I swear I'm not. I'm gonna sing for him tomorrow.
Paul, you must be so nervous.
I'm petrified.
You'll be fine. You just need to breathe on stage and...
Julz, can I tell you something?
Yeah? Go on, say it.
I wish you were here.
So do I.
I'll bring you back one day.
Promise.
- I wouldn't want to have to follow that. - No. Me neither.
I see you've gone for the Nokia 6020.
Brilliant phone.
Not cheap, mind, but I doubt you worry about that.
How are you finding the battery life on it? Is it...?
We're gonna... Should we...? Yeah? OK.
Can I...? Sorry. Sorry, can I...?
Sorry.
Stop. Please, no more.
You are very nervous, no?
Very.
I can hear it in your voice. You lack too much the confidence.
Rodolfo could never run out of breath like this on che giova.
To sing opera, you need to steal the heart of the audience,
and you cannot steal unless you have the nerves of the thief.
For me, you are not yet an opera singer.
Not yet for sure.
And maybe never.
Now we add the iron ore, limestone and coke.
Bake up to about 2000 degrees, and Bob's your uncle.
Come on, boys, let's show you how we make the gingerbread.
John. John, hang on a minute.
These ovens are only about 1000 degrees,
so consider yourself lucky if you end up here.
Come on, boys, straight through.
Cary Morris tells me you walked off the job.
I can't do it, Dad. I can't work here.
Oh, too physical, is it?
Don't get to wear enough makeup or hear enough applause?
There's nobody screaming "encore"?
You have had your great adventure, which is more than I ever had.
But this is your life now.
Work hard, get a few quid in your pocket,
grab a few pints before you go home, and have a...
Hey!
Coming for a pint or what, Roland?
Bring Paul along, he'll sing us one of his Italian songs.
- I'll catch up with you. - All right, nice one.
Now, you listen.
There's a waiting list as long as a donkey's knob for your job.
I was able to square things with Cary this once,
but you screw up again and you'll be out on the street in more ways than one.
Do I make myself clear?
- Do I? - Yes.
Right. Now, how far away from the house will the telephone actually work?
- As far as you like. - Oh, rubbish.
Last telephone we had, the cord wouldn't even reach as far as the back door.
This doesn't have a cord.
What do you call this, then?
Now, look here, we don't take kindly to bullshitters.
- No. - That's because you're insane.
- You can't say that to us! - Oh!
- How very rude! - Come on, we're going somewhere else.
- Some people have no manners. - Come here again...
Customer service skills are improving by the day, I see.
Hello, Pottsy. When'd you get back?
- Couple of weeks. - How was it?
It didn't really...
Oh, dear.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Blast furnace slag removal.
Christ, could anything sound more glamorous?
Maybe I'll get used to it.
Maybe I'll grow a third hand so I can surf online and wank at the same time.
- I thought you already had. - No.
You've gotta be born with it. Same as you were born to sing.
You're the lucky one, Paul.
You know what you were put on this earth to do.
You have an actual talent for singing.
- Not according to Pavarotti. - Screw Pavarotti.
He's nothing but a binge eater with a comb-over.
And my absolute hero.
So, you choked.
Everybody chokes sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
No, the end of the world's right there.
Slag removal.
Don't go back there if you can help it.
At least not while you still have your voice
and a girlfriend who believes in you.
I'm not sure I've even got that.
Don't tell me you screwed it up with Julz too?
All right, now you're a bloody loser.
Hi. It's Julz. Leave a message after the tone.
There you are. Thank you very much.
Are you finding everything you need, sir?
Mm-hm. Yes, I'm good, thank you very much.
You're intending to buy something?
Yeah, no, I am. That's... I wouldn't... I'm here to get these, actually.
This is what I'm...
Cashier Number 2, please.
These are the good ones, right? Yep, ones and twos, so...
That's me. I'm all done now, thanks very much.
Cashier Number 5, please.
Oh, still no joy, Mrs Cosgrove?
No. Still can't shift a thing down there.
It's like pushing a pineapple down a hosepipe.
Cashier Number 1, please.
Right. Well, a couple more of these and you'll be right as rain. All right.
Cashier Number 1, please.
Cashier Number 5, please.
Julz, I'm so sorry.
Is that all today, sir?
- I'm an idiot, and I... - It's 9.99, please.
I just wanted to be able to speak to you about...
- Just let me explain, please, - Nine ninety-nine.
Exactly why I've been doing this, all right?
Cashier Number 5, please.
Hi. Do you want a bag?
Cashier Number 3, please.
- Cashier Number 4, please. - Your change, all right?
- Thank you. - Cashier Number 1, please.
Cashier Number 5, please.
I know you're mad, but if you'll listen...
Fifty pence.
- Will you listen to me for one... - It's a pound.
There is a legitimate reason why I didn't...
Will you please give me a chan...?
- Julz, stop. - No. I trusted you.
I thought what we had meant something.
Look, I never wanna see you again.
Do you have a Boots Advantage Card?
No.
Cashier Number 5, please.
Are you serious?
If there's no problem, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to move it along.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
I messed up. All right?
Pavarotti tore me to shreds. I choked.
I couldn't bear to hear your voice knowing I'd let you down.
You think that's what let me down?
- I don't know, I just felt... - You ever think how I felt?
Wondering what happened to you?
I was falling in love with you. When you got back from Venice,
I was gonna knock on your door and say,
"Let's give it a go. Let's move in together."
I had my bags packed and I was waiting for you to call, and nothing.
- Nothing. - I'm sorry.
- No, I'm done with you. - Julz.
- Julz, please. - Leave me alone!
Julz!
Wait!
Julz!
Thou art my thoughts my present and my future
Thou art my heart supreme
Its only joy
I love thee more than any earthly creature
I love thee, dear
I love thee now and for eternity
I love thee now
And for eternity
So, you can sing, then?
Yeah, I can.
I can for you.
For to whatever fate God's will may do me
I love thee, dear
I love thee now and for eternity
And hurt you
You fancy a drink?
Champagne, please.
Back in a flash, Mrs Potts.
Why, thank you very much, Mr Potts.
Did I ever tell you how I fractured Gareth Edwards' clavicle?
- The Gareth Edwards? - When I was your age.
- I was running down... - I was running down...
Oh, you bastard! Having me on!
Champagne and a lager, please.
Paul. Paul.
- You remember Bill and Matthew? - Paul and me went to school together.
Felicitations and all that.
Thanks.
Surprised to see you getting married. I wasn't even sure they'd dropped yet.
He's joking. We're all three or four sheets to the wind.
- How could you invite him? - How could I not?
He married your mother's niece Julie last April.
And besides, he's a good lad.
He plays rugby, he's not afraid of hard work...
- What's all the bad blood between you? - Not today.
Wait, love. Go on, tell him.
I say, young man,
I don't know where you found it, but your vocal control has improved.
Thanks very much. I spent time in Italy, but I don't really sing...
- Tell him. - I'm commissioned to conduct
a production of Aida in Bath.
And you, sir, would make a wonderful Radamés.
- Are you serious? - There's no pay, I'm afraid.
Well, now, hold on...
- He'll take it. - I'd love to.
Oh, do be quiet.
They're playing our song,
so stop moaning and start thrusting your pelvis in my general direction.
Congratulations.
Thank you so much. That's the best news. I can't quite believe that. Thank you.
I mean, the lead in Aida.
I can't believe it. I don't know how this day can get any better.
Well, um, I can think of something.
Oh, hang on, I got you a surprise.
Oh.
What is it?
- Oh, my God. - I know.
- Where did you find this? - That's not even the best bit.
- What is it? - A bike.
Just open it.
- Puccini? - It's an original recording from...
Oh. Um...
From...
From La Scala, Milan on April 25th, 19...
1926, conducted by Toscanini.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
This was recorded before Pavarotti was even born.
It's a really difficult aria, especially at the end. It's...
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
What's he saying?
He's saying "nessun dorma". "None shall sleep."
Calaf has been rejected by the woman that he loves.
- She's a princess. - Ugh.
Why does it always have to be about a princess?
Why can't checkout girls have love stories written about them?
Yeah, I don't think they had checkout girls in the 1700s, babe.
Help me with this, will you?
If she can guess his name by dawn,
she gets to cancel the wedding
and she can chop his head off.
Sounds a bit more exciting than calling for a clean-up on Aisle 7.
- There you go. That's it. You're done. - OK.
Right, turn away, then.
Right.
My secret is hidden within me.
None shall know my name.
On your mouth, I will say it when the light shines.
And my kiss
will dissolve the silence
that makes you mine.
So, kiss me.
I've never done this before.
It's OK.
I've had thousands.
I'm joking.
So, what happens to them?
Well, she tortures all his friends
who refuse to reveal his name.
And then at dawn,
he kisses her.
And she falls madly in love with him.
Right, so that's the bit where I come up. I come up to about here, yeah?
- A step downstage perhaps. And then... - Uh-huh.
That's when I take her in my arms and start to seduce her.
While singing brilliantly, of course.
Well, of course, yeah.
- Drink with me, Paul. - What?
Drink with me. Come on, drink with me.
It's the morning. What are you doing?
- Drowning my sorrows. - Why?
- She's left me. - Who?
Hydrangea. She left me this morning.
She has to be at work at 7.
- What did you do? - Got down on one knee
and asked her to marry me.
Oh, wow.
I know. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't.
- Get out! - Braddon.
- Get out! - I'm so sorry, Mrs Petersham.
She was coming back for an upgrade.
Are you serious? That's why she left?
I rushed her.
She was always saying she didn't want to be rushed,
but maybe she didn't want to be loved.
Maybe she didn't know how to be loved.
Maybe none of us do. Drink with me, Paul, please.
- I can't. I've got the show tomorrow. - Rejected again. Cast adrift.
A lone sailor looking for love on the open seas.
All right, maybe I'll just have a sip, then.
Ugh. That's... Ow.
- What is that? - Créme de menthe.
- Why are you drinking it? - It reminds me of my childhood.
Hello?
Radamés.
Wherefore art thou?
Oh, my God.
What's wrong? What's happened?
Right. Well, the good news is,
it has got nothing to do with the créme de menthe.
- And the not-good news? - The appendix hasn't ruptured yet.
- Oh, thank God. - It is gonna have to come out.
- Well, when? - About an hour or so.
- No, I can't. - No, his opera opens tomorrow night.
- Oh, fantastic. Which one? - Aida.
Now, is that the one with Madonna? It's got that lovely Latin flavour to it?
Well, singing is quite out of the question, I'm afraid.
I'm the lead, I can't let everybody down.
An appendectomy is invasive surgery.
If we leave it in, it's sure to rupture, and that could be fatal.
If we take it out, any great effort like singing,
and you're liable to burst the stitches, and that could cause irreparable damage.
Well, how irreparable?
Well, it is possible that singing won't be possible.
Oh, that's that, then.
To sing so soon after surgery, well, it's...
- It's idiotic if you ask me. - Yes, well, we didn't.
We never have and we're not going to.
Least we can do is support him,
no matter how much of a pinhead he's being.
I'll thank you both not to talk about my husband in that way.
Yes, you're right, love, but it's just so... Oh.
Why can't he just put himself first for a change?
Because then he'd just be like everyone else,
and he's not.
You are a very lovely girl.
I'd trade both my ears for a pint right about now.
- Right, Paul. You OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- The first act sounded bloody marvelous. - Thanks.
- Ready for the big duet? - Mm.
Paul! Paul!
Excuse me.
- I don't believe it. - What? What is it?
They've stopped the bleeding, he's gonna be fine, but
they found a tumour in his thyroid.
His what?
In his throat.
Look, I know you're frightened.
And the fact that you might never sing again
might be too much for you to bear,
but I just want you to know that even if you never even speak again,
I will do everything in my power
to fill our lives with as much music
and love and happiness as I can possibly manage.
Thank you.
Oh, come on, just one drink.
I swear we'll be home in a half hour, right?
Thank you.
Surprise!
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
For bravery and the rather thickheaded willingness
to sacrifice himself for his fellow man,
Bath Opera is proud to present you with the first Golden Appendix Award.
In hopes for a speedy return to the stage.
My God.
Thank you so much.
- Speak up. - Can't hear you.
How about you write it down and I'll read it out?
"My whole life
"I've struggled to make friends.
"Now I have an entire company.
"From the bottom of my heart,
- "thank you." - Aw.
Next drink's on the company.
Hip hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip. hip, hooray!
Get me half a lager, babe. I'm just going to the loo.
So, how's he doing?
Well, he's heartbroken,
but we'll see.
Here's the recording of Aida at least. The one he made before the performance.
He can have his voice back whenever he likes.
Oh, thank you. Thanks, he'll love that.
It's not about the individual,
it's about the Carphone Warehouse family,
and I for one am thrilled to be a part of that family, so thank you.
- Who was that? - Who was what?
- Who was that? - That was just my boss
up at HQ in Croydon, very wise man,
who's seen fit to give me a raise.
A raise? Wha...? Why?
What do you mean, why? I'm a stupendous manager.
I feel a sudden urge to sing.
Oh, God, please don't. Don't take this the wrong way.
I mean this in no way personally, but you know you're a crap manager.
You know that, I know that, but if you must know,
over the last two quarters, our shop has had the highest sales in all of Wales.
The highest sales in all of Wales!
Amazing. In the six months since I got back from my surgery?
In which time I've kept the shop open from 10 until 6.
I put the ad in the local paper and online...
All right, blimey! I'm trying to tell you you're getting a raise as well.
- Am I? - Couple of quid an hour.
You serious?
- The highest sales in all of...! - In all of Wales!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can sing.
- I can sing. - You can sing.
I can sing.
The highest sales in all of Wales!
Little pitchy, up a half.
- The highest sales in all of Wales! - The highest sales in all of Wales!
He's back! He's back!
I can sing!
- Mrs Evans, I can sing! - Jolly good.
- Tell your mum I'll see her at bingo. - Will do!
In all of Wales!
Julz! Julz,
- I can sing! - What?
I can sing!
Oh, my God.
You've shattered your collarbone, broken four ribs and dislocated your pelvis.
- But he'll be able... - He won't be running a marathon soon.
Hard to tell when he'll even be back on his feet.
Cameron?
Oh, you have gotta stop doing this to me.
- Hello? - Hi.
Oh. Tired I am. Today's been hectic.
You all right?
Good day?
Same as yesterday, really.
Oh, Paul, what's with all the washing up? It's the one thing...
Sorry.
Right. Any idea what you want for tea?
Well, I just had a sandwich, so...
- Oh. Babe. - What?
It'd be nice to eat together for a change. You're not gonna see me all weekend.
- Why? - Sean's asked me to do overtime,
and we can't afford for me not to.
- This is ridiculous. - Shut up.
We can't do this every time the door goes.
If the bailiff comes, they'll take the TV.
If they do, they do. I'm gonna answer it.
- Shut up! Shut up! - Don't you...!
No! Come back! Julz, no! You're my wife!
Oh. It's just Braddon.
- Tell him I'm not here. - What?
- Tell him I've gone to Spain. - I can actually hear you.
Ta-da.
Feast your eyes upon the southwestern
district sub-manager for Carphone Warehouse.
- You are not. - I am.
Jesus, your failure-to-success ratio is miraculous.
Carphone Warehouse recognises talent when they see it.
Plus, the old district manager died of a heart attack. High five.
Which means that I am looking for someone
to fill these rather spectacular, genuine leather,
convenient Velcro-fastening boots-.
I'm not sure I'm up to it.
Bollocks. You've been on disability for over a year,
they've cut up most of your credit cards, and poor Julz.
Any time this year?
- You two back together? - Been about a week now.
Told her about the company Ford Mondeo and she was putty in my hands.
Don't be a prick, Braddon.
- Sorry. - So, you're leaving today?
I don't know if I can. You don't know how many pills I have to take every day...
Paul, Paul, Paul. I've created a legacy.
I've established a truly magical workplace.
I just can't hand that on to anyone.
Plus, we've signed up for an Elf and Hobbit weekend in the Valleys.
I'm gonna miss you, bud.
You're my best mate. There, I said it.
Rubbish.
Sub-uber-under district managers don't have time for such emotions.
It's district sub-manager,
and I'll be popping around to check up on you.
Make sure there's no funny business going on.
Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
You've laid around too long, Pottsy. Time to get on with it.
Mad love.
- May the... - Give it a bit more throttle.
I know. May the...
Now rev it.
- May... Ugh. - Oh, for God's...
I'm missing Deal or No Deal for this.
There we are, then.
May the Flame of Arveron sustain you.
- How was your first day, then? - Yeah, brilliant.
Any luck with the hiring?
No, but it'll be better when we get an ad in the paper.
Pressure caused the Number 5 Furnace to literally split down the side.
- Oh, my Lord. - Molten steel running everywhere.
Eighteen hundred degrees.
Damn near burnt half the machinery before we got the fire out.
- Anyone hurt? - Billy Watkins was almost incinerated.
Lucky for him, Paul's friend, Matthew, hoisted him out before the soup got him.
- He's not my friend. - He's a bloody hero.
- Good for him. - Anything exciting at the shop?
Hang on, love. Whatever disagreements you had at school...
- Disagreements? - Yes.
- Disa...? Do you see that, Dad? - Paul.
That's from a chain wrapped around his fist while two of his droogs held me.
- I was 12. - I don't remember that happening.
What was it you said to me? If I lost a couple of stone, I wouldn't provoke him.
Maybe nothing's changed.
Life doesn't owe you any favours. Don't you think it's time
you stop feeling sorry for yourself? We've all got on.
- What makes you different? - You've got on with your life?
How many times do we have to hear about Gareth Edwards?
You don't wake up and regret not pushing yourself further?
You watch yourself.
- I had a wife and child to support. - I've been paying for it since.
You didn't have the courage to take a chance.
What chance are you taking? How brave are you being?
Moping at home while your wife works two jobs to pay your rent.
What's your dream? Employee of the Month at Carphone Warehouse?
That's some dream.
You are afraid to sing and you're afraid to get past it,
so don't you lecture me about giving up!
Come on, Yvonne, I'm not sitting here listening to this.
I'm sorry, Mum.
Right. So, if we consolidate it all into one monthly payment,
it's 149 pound a month for four and a half years.
And we've got council tax.
- Don't know how we're gonna do this. - We'll be fine.
- Maybe Dad was right. - Oh, sod your dad.
Oh, my God, these bloody pop-ups.
- Yeah, what is that? - Some talent competition
where the best performer in Britain gets 100,000 pounds.
Well, Robbie Williams is gonna win that, isn't he?
Yeah, I think it's for amateurs, babe.
Shame you stopped singing, then. You could have won that laughing.
Well, it's cheaper than a lottery ticket.
- You serious? - I don't know, am I? Am I being stupid?
No. No, no, do it.
No, forget it.
You've got a wonderful voice.
I had a wonderful voice.
I heard you the other day in the shower.
You still sound beautiful to me.
It would be good to sing in front of an audience again.
- I could probably move on after that. - Right, so do it.
I just can't bear to be humiliated.
- Not again. - You won't. You won't be humiliated.
- Toss a coin. - What?
Toss a coin. Heads, I press "send," tails, we forget all about it.
Right.
Oh, my...!
- I can't believe you just did that. - What are you gonna sing?
How long's it been?
- Nearly two years. - Hm. I'd have guessed longer.
- Sorry. - Thank you.
Yes, please?
- Hi. - They said yes!
- What? - Britain's Got Talent, they said yes!
They want you to audition this Saturday.
Babe, they want you to sing!
Bugger.
How are you feeling, then?
Like I shouldn't be doing this.
Come on, you'll be great.
Something bad's gonna happen. It always does to me.
Hello and welcome to Britain's Got Talent,
the show that finds Britain's brightest new acts
and changes their life forever.
Heading up the judging panel is Mr Simon Cowell.
Actress Amanda Holden is one of the country's most loved actresses.
Complete cock-up, I'm afraid.
Simon tossed three acts, everything's been bumped up.
Long as I've got time to warm up.
- How long do you need? - Ten minutes.
Take away five and you're perfect.
- I'm on in five minutes? - Four and a half.
These should take you to your seats.
Follow us down the hall and up the stairs. Come on.
- This was a mistake. - You can warm up in five.
- I haven't got enough time. - We may have a problem.
We don't have a problem. He can warm up in four minutes.
He was born screaming at the top of his lungs
and shattered half the windows in Wales.
I hardly think now, when he's been asked to perform again, is the time to go silent.
I think we're gonna be OK.
- It's been proved I'm not good enough. - Proved by who, Pavarotti?
- Yeah. - That was ages ago.
This is it. This is your chance.
- Four minutes, yes or no? - Yes!
I'm really not ready. I honestly need more time than this.
- Hello. What's your name? - I'm Michelle. These are my children.
Just get your puckered old bum to a telly. Do you hear me?
Honestly.
If he wasn't such an exquisite lover, I'd have to leave the man.
Doe, a deer, a female deer Ray, a drop of golden sun
Me, a name I call myself
You look happy, Mrs Buncle. They look completely miserable.
The singing was terrible.
- Can we make it their last performance? - I can't do this.
He didn't have to be that cruel, but he was right.
- I surrender. - You couldn't smile just once?
- Wouldn't wanna follow that. - Thanks.
I think Paul's next.
Oh, dear.
For the next contestant, the world of show biz seems a million miles away.
It's Paul, a mobile phone salesman from South Wales.
By day I sell mobile phones,
but my dream is to spend my life doing what I feel I was born to do.
Juggling pies.
I've always wanted a singing career.
You gotta see this.
Holy crap, Pottsy.
Confidence is...
Has always been a difficult thing for me.
I always find it difficult to be confident in myself.
- I get nervous. - Oh, gosh.
Every time I have to sing in front of anyone, it's...
Nerves have got the best of me in the past.
I wish I didn't have them if I'm honest.
But the truth is, I've never felt more nervous than I am today.
Right, you're on.
You're on.
One foot and then the other.
Don't hold much hope for this.
Good afternoon, I'm Paul.
Paul. What are you here for today, Paul?
To sing opera.
OK, ready when you are.
So, you work at Carphone Warehouse,
and you did that.
- I wasn't expecting that. - Neither was I.
This was a complete breath of fresh air.
I thought you were absolutely fantastic.
You have an incredible voice.
I think if you keep singing like that,
you are gonna be one of the favourites to win this whole competition.
I think that we've got a case of a little lump of coal here
that's gonna turn into a diamond.
OK, moment of truth, young man.
- Piers? - Absolutely, yes.
- Amanda? - Yes.
Paul, you are through to the next round. Congratulations.
Thank you.
That was really good. Well done.
Well done, son!
Bloody wonderful.
You're all right.
What kind of poof sings opera? Not exactly a chip off the old block, is he?
- A bicycle chain? - Well, it was only kids, like.
- Get him out of my sight. - Not laughing anymore.
Come on, boys, the drinks are on me.
As it turns out, I made it to the semi-final and the final.
And the judges were right. I did go on to win Britain's Got Talent.
And in the hectic weeks and months that followed, I recorded my first album,
went on my first record tour, and was even invited to sing for the queen,
which allowed us to pay off our debts and still have enough
to buy a nice little house back in Port Talbot, where Julz and I still live.
Here you go. Freshly pressed.
Thanks.
There's, uh, something I want to tell you.
I know I haven't always been the best of fathers.
- Dad, you don't have to say... - Shut up, let me do the singing for once.
The only real measure of a father's success
is by how far his children end up surpassing him in life.
And you,
you can be very, very proud of yourself.
Come on, you two. We'll keep the queen waiting.
And now, from the Royal Albert Hall,
the winner of Britain's Got Talent
in his first performance for Her Majesty the queen.
An extraordinary singer whose first album
has already sold over two million copies and reached number one...
- You nervous? - Always.
Hey, one foot, then the other.
- Go on. - Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome
to Mr Paul Potts.
The truth is, I'm still just that little boy from Wales who wanted to sing,
though I was persuaded to get a new haircut,
buy some new clothes,
and, oh, yeah, make one other small change.
In the years since then, Julz and I have travelled together all over the world.
But there's one special place I always wanted her to see.
You've gotta feed the birds for good luck.
Can we get any luckier?
So, there it is.
The whole story.
The opera of my life.
Not a bad one, is it?