# Oh, Mr. Pit, oh, Mr. Pit, Mr. Pitiful #
# who let you down? #
# who let you down? Who let you down? #
# You still don't believe, #
# you don't believe, you don't believe #
# and your grievances show #
# when your soapbox unfolds #
# but please come down #
# from that cloud you're sitting on #
# I don't expect you to admit #
# that you were wrong #
# just want to know how you've been #
# it don't make me feel bad #
# that we're still friends #
# mulling it over in my bed #
# I hope that you see #
# through your big yard #
# and white picket fence #
# well, I don't believe, I don't believe #
# I don't believe #
# everything I see #
# and you don't like the movie #
# then quit acting #
# but please come down #
# from that cloud you're sitting on #
# I don't expect you to admit #
# that you were wrong #
# just want to know how you've been #
# it don't make me feel bad #
# that we're still friends #
# mulling it over in my bed #
# I hope that you see through your big yard #
# and white picket fence #
# to make amends #
# still be my friend #
# still be my friend. #
We would like to do a full expose on Arlen Faber.
It would coincide with the release
of the 20th anniversary of "Me and God."
People want to read this story.
I've red "Me and God" 12 times, for Chrissake.
Sorry. He listens to you, Terry.
If I could get five minutes with him,
it would mean everything.
He redefined spirituality for an entire generation.
It's been translated into over 100 languages.
This book...
Arlen Faber isn't going to talk to you
This year or any year.
Arlen Faber doesn't do interviews.
He's refused an audience with the Dalai Lama.
He has turned down millions in appearance fees.
What would make a man do this, you ask?
Because Arlen Faber came in direct contact
With the creator himself.
Can you imagine how much that would change you?
He isn't even like us anymore.
He has no concern for worldly affairs
or possessions.
He has been touched by the divine
and he has given us the only thing that he could,
which is "Me and God."
And if that isn't enough for you,
Then God help you.
Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker!
Fucking cock.
Get a fucking machine.
Fucking goddamn. Fuck. Fuck.
Oh, terrific.
I didn't want to leave this on the doorstep.
It might be important.
You never know who might snatch it.
Mr. Faber sure gets a lot of mail.
Is he here to sign for this today?
No, he isn't.
Ever since I took this job, I've been hoping to meet him.
Tough break.
Yeah.
Would you mind signing for it today, please?
My hands are shaking. I apologize.
- Prince Berefton. - That's me.
There you are.
Can I ask you a small question?
What is Mr. Faber like?
You'd hate him.
Hey, we have
delicious life bacon.
It's for your life. It's delicious,
tastes just like bacon except...
But with delicious soy protein
sweetened with cane juice and tomato pulp.
Exactly, and yummy egg whites
Scrambled just the way you like them,
which is the scrambly delicious way.
Uh... Okay.
Okay, mommy has her drink.
All out who's getting out.
Bye.
Hurry hurry.
- Here's your lunch. - Thank you.
Be careful. Have fun.
remember what I said about fear.
Fuck everything and run.
Or face everything and relax.
I know.
Remember, when you get out of here, the first thing you want to do...
I know. "Stay sober. Get a sponsor and stay sober."
Dad, I'm home.
free unlimited texting and of course
Dad.
I'm back.
Don't be mad! Hey, Kris, don't be mad.
Okay, it's not a big deal, but don't be mad.
Just... okay, just don't be mad, okay?
Um...
You lost the keys for 27 days.
Yeah.
The store was closed for 27 days.
I didn't have anyone else to call.
So I had to wait for you to be released.
Released?
I wasn't released. I'm not a criminal.
I was having a problem with alcohol.
You attacked my umbrella.
What?
You did. You were screaming at me
and you were really drunk. And it was scary.
I'm sorry I scared you, Dahlia.
I'm sorry I lost the keys
and the store was closed, Kris.
I actually sat in his presence.
He actually said to me, "Dominica, you are awake."
And I said, "I actually thought I was
Because my guru said I was, but then somebody said I wasn't,
- so I actually wasn't sure." - That is, like...
Hey, pretend person, if you're done hallucinating,
I'd love a shot at being a customer in this place.
Welcome back.
Can I help you?
Yes, these don't work. I'd like to sell them.
If my conscience would allow it, I'd burn them,
but instead I'll take pennies on the dollar.
You've read all 21 volumes of "Unlocking the Door to the Heaven Within"?
Yep, and it still lacked.
I'm sorry. I'm afraid we can't buy any books right now.
Oh, well, I'm afraid I can't keep these in my house right now, so...
So if you could just come back next month...
So if you could just get the manager...
Oh...
I am the manager.
I can't afford it. It's been a tough couple of months.
Fine. That's just fine.
You can have them free of charge... my gift to you.
I'm not supposed to owe anyone anything right now.
Uh-huh.
Stop!
Look, it's been a little slow.
The store's been closed for a while.
We're just getting back up to speed.
Let me guess... you were off
giving lap dances at the piercing festival.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the terrifying bullshit I cannot change.
I'm sorry.
Maybe next month.
Right now I can't afford it.
Fine.
That is just fine.
All right, well,
Let me tell you something, my little friend.
You...
You are gonna take these books.
Come again.
Okay, Anne, 5:00.
Oh, that's fine.
Leave it.
Anne, it's fine.
Look, everything is gonna be fine.
Debt, waitressing, chiropractic school...
I did not go through four years of doubt and terror
to tank in the first month. Everything is gonna be fine.
Fine.
- Bye. - Good night.
Well, a great day, huh?
Great.
Relax. I need to relax.
# Isn't it romantic? #
Oh!
No, I refuse to accept this.
No, I do not accept this.
This is bullshit. I do not accept it.
# Isn't it romantic? #
# moving shadows write #
# the oldest magic word... #
Agh!
# I hear the breezes playing #
# in the trees above... #
# isn't it romantic? #
# music in the night #
# a dream that can be heard #
# Isn't it romantic? #
So what do you think? Are you ready to grab a bite?
No.
- I'm sorry? - No, I'm not ready.
Is there something wrong?
No no, everything's great. You seem great.
It's just if there's a strong reason
For me to have someone in my life,
I'll fight for them.
Okay.
And I can already tell
I'm never going to fight for you.
I'm so sorry.
We just met.
I know. Sad.
Wait, when did you stop fighting for me?
'Cause, hey, I'd fight for you.
Thank you.
I missed watching this with you
When you were gone.
You know, I've been thinking...
Maybe it might be good if you and I
took a trip together, you know,
just get the heck out of here, huh?
Remember that time we went camping?
We didn't go camping, dad. We got lost in the woods.
Usually campers have a tent, water, food.
Yeah, camping, just like the good old days.
Might do you some good, you know.
I have to go.
I'm gonna go meet some friends.
Excuse me.
Yeah?
Did you just have a meeting in there?
Yeah.
I just got through having 28 in a row.
Good for you.
Ross.
Okay.
Well, we have meetings here
all the time, if you're interested.
Okay, maybe I'll check one out sometime.
Sure. We're here if you need us.
#...like a lover's kiss #
Phone.
Terry. Home.
Hello.
Terry, Terry, you have to come over.
Why are you yelling?
My back is out.
Now I need you to come over.
Again?
Try asking God for help.
He won't take my calls. You do.
I'm on the floor. Get over here.
Terry?
After seven years it might be time to have that looked at.
I have.
But it didn't help, obviously.
Shall I take a picture for your fan club?
Thank you for turning the music off.
I mean it. Thank you.
Now help me.
You know, I was a nobody
in a big firm of somebodys when I found your book...
Just a stack of scribbled pages, really,
Sitting on a coffee table at a party for God-knows-who.
Conveniently, nobody wanted to talk to me,
so I sat there
and I read it.
It was marvelous.
You gave me a career.
You changed my life.
And now if I don't help you, you will probably shit your pants.
Agreed. Help me.
You are a disaster, Arlen.
And these days you're not my only disaster.
I'm successful and therefore have many.
Is there a rest stop between me and the end of this story?
What did you think of the book I sent over for the 20th anniversary?
- Did you like it? - Not now, Terry.
Did you like the jacket with the raised gold letters?
I loved the gold letters, loved them.
How about the picture?
God damn it, it doesn't matter.
It's all meaningless bullshit.
It's not meaningless, fuckface.
I won't help you if you won't help me.
All right, you win.
I loved the gold letters
and the picture was fantastic.
Now help me.
There is no picture.
And the letters are blue.
# Do you mean #
# that I will fall #
# in love perchance #
# isn't it... #
# isn't it, isn't it... #
# isn't it, isn't it #
# isn't it... #
I'm lying on my back.
I think I'm ready to buy, enlarge my portfolio.
Any objection to me being next?
Next?
Uh, do you have an appointment?
Does it look like I planned this?
So you're a new patient.
I just need you to fill out this paperwork.
But you can't do that. I'm gonna take your picture,
because that's what we do with all new patients.
Okay.
When I can stand,
I will kill you.
I'm just gonna let the doctor know you're here.
- Elizabeth. - Yeah?
He's a little disgruntled. I tried to take his picture.
He said he was gonna kill me.
Okay, I'll take care of it. Hi, follow me.
- Not you. - Oh, okay, right.
Right this way. Follow me.
You're doing great. My name is Elizabeth and...
Please don't show me that lame little rubber model of vertebrae.
Let's just focus of me being able to walk out
of this little tea party forever.
What do you say?
All done?
Please help me.
Okay, is the pain here?
Yeah, okay, I'm gonna get you up on the table.
You can do it. I'm gonna help you.
You can do this. All right.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, good.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna be right back.
Don't leave me here.
I just have to tell Anne to clear my patients for the next hour.
I'll be right back.
- We have a real patient. - Yay!
Shh, be professional.
What was that?
A happy customer.
Alrighty, so... What's your name?
My name?
Yes, your name. Who are you?
Arlen.
Okay, Arlen, I'm gonna help you.
And when you leave here today, you might not be cured,
But you're gonna feel a lot better, I promise.
Agh!
Okay.
I think you're good for now.
Sit up nice and slow.
Walk across the room.
Better?
You are so...
amazing.
I mean, no one has ever done that before...
No one. How did you do that?
So, well, I don't know.
You're still a little out of whack.
But you resemble something further along the evolutionary chart.
How much do I owe you?
Two hours... $175.
Okay.
Oh, no, that's too much.
Take it. You're a miracle worker.
When can l... should I come back?
You should be fine for about a week, so next week.
Thank you, Arlen.
Faber.
My name is Arlen Faber.
I believe you.
Next week, Arlen.
Thank you.
That's Arlen Faber?
Who's Arlen Faber?
So that's Arlen Faber.
That's Arlen Faber.
I forgot one.
- Have a good one, Mr. Faber. - Bye.
I knew it! You're Arlen Faber.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I have read "me and god," like, 40 times.
My mother is not gonna believe this.
Oh my god.
Oh, I feel like I'm shaking the hand of god himself.
Can I ask you a question?
Yes, I will pray for you, believe me.
No, that's not my question. Just one, please.
One question, on condition
That you can never, and I mean never,
Tell anyone that I live here. Swear it.
I swear it. I swear it.
Mr. Faber,
Is there such a place as hell?
Yes, there is.
I think it was Sartreartre who said it best, really,
When he said, and I quote,
"hell is other people."
"...Attempts to contact you in the past have failed,
so we are forced to resort to this final action."
Excuse me, I'd like to sell you this book.
Okay.
"consciousness without an object."
Wow, sixth grade is different than I remember it.
Why do you want to get rid of this?
I just found...
I found...
I find the idea
That you can use a conscious object
To consider non-objective consciousness absurd.
This book is poison to me.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid we can't buy any books right now.
How did he get you to do this?
He said he'd split the money with me.
Do not split this with him.
- thank you. - bye.
That guy does not want his books. God.
Where were we?
If you do not respond to our request for full payment,
We will have no other choice but to blah-blah-blah,
Red words, blah-blah, hate, rescind.
Sincerely, first masters bank, celebrating 150 years of your success."
No.
Hi.
Hi. Can I?
- Oh, post away. - Thanks.
Okay.
"Mr. Lucas, you have failed.
We have no other choice but to celebrate 150 years of your success.
That's better. Yay.
Excuse me, do you have "Me and God"?
Oh, God, it's bad... bad.
Elizabeth will be with you in just one minute, Mr. Faber.
I think I can sit.
What?
You have a lot of tension in your upper back today.
I was out running the other day, had a little fall.
Okay.
I'II just let you sit for a couple of minutes
and I'll be right back.
Stay.
And talk to me.
What do you want to talk about?
Let's talk about you.
Okay.
I moved here from San Francisco.
Um, this is new. I just opened.
I have a son who's seven years old.
A son?
I love kids.
They're short, highly emotional people who don't know anything.
They rely on their creativity and imagination
to get by in the world... a world, I might add, filled with giants...
an amazing feat.
That's lovely. I never thought about it like that.
What about me? Don't you want to hear my story?
Yes.
Okay, thank you.
I moved to Philadelphia 10 years go.
I'm trying to write a book about the history of monsters
in movies and literature.
One day I hope to find a cure
for people who listen to techno.
I read your book.
- Oh, great. - Careful.
I mean, thank you.
I don't know what I was expecting,
but it wasn't that.
Is that good?
Yes, yes.
Oh.
Those were some of the best answers I've ever heard.
It's beautiful, really.
Does God still talk to you?
Now more than ever.
Dad.
I made breakfast burritos. You want one?
No, thanks.
Just coffee.
It's like liquid angels.
Ha.
Things aren't going too well at the bookstore, huh?
I'm not panicked yet, probably because I'm sober.
You still going to them A.A. Classes?
Uh, a couple.
It's good sometimes.
I don't know. I don't know.
It's a lot of whining, I guess.
I went to one of those once.
People there made me feel
like the luckiest guy alive, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
If you want to go again,
I could scout out some meetings for you.
- I could. - No.
You look good, son.
I'm glad.
Hello, Mr. Arlen Faber.
I just wanted to stop by and drop off this letter.
Who are these people?
Oh, I hope you don't mind. I was out with my family
- and I remembered that I had that. - You told. Liar, you swore.
Now if you just give us one moment...
I can't help you. Do you understand that?
Go away now.
# What a friend we have in Arlen #
You gotta be fucking kidding.
# all our sins and griefs to bear... #
Everybody's been asking for Robert B. Parker.
I don't think we're gonna get any for two weeks,
Maybe three.
Do you mind if I wait?
Hey.
Sir, sir.
Sir.
Sir, sir.
Terry.
It's time, Arlen.
No.
It is not time. No, it isn't.
You promised me a foreword.
I already sent you something.
Yes, you did.
You wrote, "get your own imaginary friend,"
followed by a multiple-choice question about Tom Selleck.
Write whatever you want and I'll sign it.
Listen, you have 10% of the God market... 10%.
And I, the only person alive who loves you,
am asking you to write a couple of pages
about the book that you, Arlen, wrote about him... God.
I've said all I can say.
Arlen, we have let you out of every responsibility...
every appearance, every book signing for the last 20 years.
All we are asking is that you write a couple of pages on the subject.
What is so hard about that?
Try it sometime and find out.
I've been thinking it over
and I want to give you my phone number.
I have a boyfriend.
Not for you.
In case you guys are too busy and have to cancel an appointment.
That's the reason.
Do you really have a boyfriend?
No.
If you did, would you want to go on walks with him?
Yes.
Good.
Hey, you want to walk around?
Another day,
another stroll with a famous author.
Must be exhausting.
Oh, you have no idea.
I hope we're not breaking some doctor-patient rule here.
No, it's part of the service.
No, I only have three rules:
Don't take advice from someone you wouldn't trade places with;
try not to do something you can't take back;
and something is what it is and it's not something else.
I forget my rule, but I think
it has something to do with square dancing.
Well, this is a street I probably won't live on.
Oh, you never know. Anything can happen.
Yeah. In the meantime, looking's free.
Well, you know what he says.
No, I sure don't.
"For you and you alone I have made this place
kaleidoscope with wonder to keep your eye upon
as I turn, turn the world."
Hmm, I don't remember that from the book.
# Beautiful dreamer #
# wake unto me #
# starlight and dewdrops #
# are waiting for thee... #
- Excuse me. - Yeah?
Do you know where Arlen Faber lives?
I do.
- 2032, five blocks down. - Thanks.
- He threw water on my family. - I'm sorry, what?
We were singing the hymn and he threw a bucket of water on us.
Be careful with him.
Maybe he wrote "Me and God," but he did not read it.
So you're Arlen Faber.
You had no idea I'd be this handsome, did you?
- I really liked your book. - I know.
But I need to be straight with you right now.
Shoot.
I can't accept any more books right now.
And it seems you really want to get rid of some books.
Oh, you noticed, did you?
I'm willing to make you a deal.
I could use a little advice every now and then,
even from someone as obviously crazy as yourself.
So here's what I propose:
I'll let you trade me books for questions.
I have a question...
can you guess how much I hate this idea?
More than you would hate
every single new-age sandal-wearing
yoga-practicing fanatic who walks into my store
knowing where you live?
Come on, just three books per visit...
no one knows where you live,
Except for the guy whose family you drenched.
Five books, and you don't get to argue with me.
You ask, I answer. That's it.
- Deal. - Now if we have completed
our little Faustian bargain, I would like to go back inside
and weep for the life I used to have.
- I didn't get to ask you... - Yes, you did.
So how are you today?
Good good. A little stiff, but better.
You?
I'm great, really really great.
Yeah? And why is that?
My son got a 4 on his paper yesterday
And he feels really great.
What happened to an "A"?
Why isn't a 1 perfect? A 4?
I have no idea.
Okay, and on three.
One, two, three.
Oh! Ahh.
Would you like to meet him?
Alex, this is my friend Arlen.
Arlen, this is Alex.
Word on the street is you got a 4.
- Any truth to that? - Yes.
- Well, congratulations. - Thank you.
- It's nice meeting you. - Nice meeting you.
I'll be right back.
A great kid.
Yeah? Thanks.
You want to know something cool
About shaking hands with little people?
Uh, okay.
They see us shaking hands, but they don't know
that we squeeze the other person's hand.
So they just hold hands with you for a couple of seconds.
- That is cool. - Yeah yeah, it really is.
See you soon.
Hey.
Why is everybody shaking my hand?
Why can't I do the things I want to do?
There's so much I know I'm capable of
that I never actually do. Why is that?
The trick is to realize that you're always doing what you want to do...
always.
Nobody's making you do anything.
Once you get that, you see that you're free
and that life is really just a series of choices.
Nothing happens to you. You choose.
There's seven books here.
A pre-coffee penalty... two extra books.
If God made everything,
then why are some things bad,
like, for example, the whole pain-and-suffering thing?
Opposites...
without things that suck, you would have no idea what good was
and therefore would be directionless.
You smell shit, and you walk the other way.
Do I have a destiny, or is it all free will?
Destiny or free will?
Free will... moving toward or away from a purpose.
Hello, "straighten up" healing center.
This is Arlen.
Elizabeth, I felt that our walk was
Too short the other day. I asked you to go for a walk.
Perhaps it wasn't as long as it should be
when someone asks for that.
I don't usually go for walks with people.
I forget the protocol.
What the hell am I talking about?
I know there's no walk protocol per se.
I mean, what would that be? What could it be?
Fuck. Fuck!
You know, I hate answering machines. For this very reason.
They're like life... you can't take anything back.
I would like to go out with you. I would like to go out with you.
Did I already say that? Tomorrow night.
And I hope you will call me back
on my phone...
the one here at my home.
Fuck.
That was weird.
Play it again.
Are you ready to take control of your life?
Yes.
There is one who has all the answers.
All you have to do is ask.
Ask. Ask.
I want her to like me, but...
Peace is your birthright.
Ask and you shall receive.
Stop interrupting.
Wisdom is like a fox in winter.
And the ice is where he dances.
Kris, listen, I gotta go.
I don't have time to tell you why we dream
or help you manifest sanity. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm trying to stay sober and my dad won't stop drinking.
How can I love him even though he's selfish and he's scaring me?
Um,
that's hard.
I guess what's getting in the way are your expectations...
If he would do "x", then you'd be happy.
It doesn't work that way.
I think you have to let go of that
and maybe what you want will happen
and maybe it won't.
Either way, you're better off.
And you should go to A.A. Meetings.
- It's hard. - Yes, it is.
So you want to give me some books or something?
Oh, twice as many next time.
I'm sorry about when we met...
the lap-dancing- piercing-festival comment.
I didn't know you were having such a hard time.
So you're only awful to people that don't have problems.
It's good to know.
I'm ready to take control of my life.
I'm ready to take control...
Of my life.
I thought I heard you out here. What are you doing?
Uh, stretching. I was...
I always stretch before I knock.
Anne, we're going.
- Hi, Arlen. - Hi, Alex.
Hi, Anne.
- You wear a lot of hats. - Yeah.
- Okay, be good for Annie. - Okay.
Mommy will give you a kiss when she gets home. It won't be too late.
You know what to do. No sweets tonight, okay? Just popcorn.
Call me if you need anything. Use the fruit spray.
- There's light bulbs. - You're freaking out.
Can he tell?
- Not yet. - Not yet what?
Nothing.
And there's just a few more things I put down for you...
- Just a few. - I've done this before.
I love you, baby. Mm, I love you.
- I love you too, mom. - I love you. Okay.
I love you. I love you.
- Mwah! - Have fun.
The Air Force should be dropping off supplies in the next couple of days.
So see if you can hold on till then.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Take me out, Arlen.
This is nice.
I bet this is where you take all your chiropractors.
Is it obvious?
So how did you come to be the angel of alignment?
Well, I needed to start over.
I needed a change.
And I liked the immediacy of it.
People walk in, or crawl in, hurt,
And when they leave they feel better, and I did it.
- And the legend is born. - Oh.
What good are the gifts we have if we don't share them?
I like that we have that in common.
To a great chiropractor.
To a great...
transcriber of thoughts from outer space.
Tell me about Alexander.
Alex. He hates "A lexander."
Alex.
He's great. He's a great kid.
He keeps me together just by being around, you know?
How often does he see his dad?
Oh, well,
he hasn't seen his father in over three years.
What happened?
Alex's dad was one of those guys
who always has a great new idea,
and for a while that was us.
And then one day
he took Alex to the park
and told him that he had to go away for a little while,
but he would be back in two weeks... two weeks.
And that turned into three years.
Alex was just so little
that I hope he, you know, forgot.
Really, I should have known better.
- Oh, no. - Are you okay?
- Fuck no. - Arlen?
Don't move.
If you don't stop playing that song,
I will chew through my wrists.
Where were we?
I guess I was just boring you with stories about my life.
No no no, please. I'm sorry.
No, this is a nice place and I'm bringing it down.
No, I'm listening.
He's listening.
What do you want to hear? You want to hear about
How I'm so freaked out that I'm not doing everything I can;
That I'm so freaked out all the time;
That I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough;
And that that fear is turning me into somebody I don't want to be
and I can't stop it? You have no idea what it's like
to be pulled all the time... I mean, not by Alex
but by this idea that I'm not doing enough;
That I am not enough.
He knows.
And he wants you to know
that you are enough and so much more.
You are here so God can experience the world through your eyes,
see what you see, feel what you feel.
Every day he can't wait
to see what you'll do,
what makes you laugh, what moves you...
He can't wait. Every day through you
He falls in love with the world all over again.
Elizabeth, you are his muse.
Thank you.
Oh my God, it's so beautiful.
Yes, it is.
I bet you have some great parties here.
Oh, no one has been in here for five years.
Five years?
Since my father died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Me too.
Don't touch that.
I won't.
Hey, I want to show you something.
Okay.
This is my office.
I know. I saw the sign.
Why are there signs everywhere?
Because my dad had Alzheimer's
and in the end it was hard for him to remember things.
So the signs helped for a while.
Ta-dah!
- Wow. - I kind of collect them.
My dad and I used to watch monster movies together.
And I kept the models from when I was a kid.
And over the years, you know, I'd pick up another one at a garage sale
or a science-fiction expo.
I really like them.
And I think I've got a pretty good collection,
If you like that sort of thing.
Maybe not. It's not for everybody.
It's dumb, I guess. We should go.
No, I love 'em.
I think they're wonderful.
- You do? - Yeah.
What are they doing all crammed in here, though?
You should put them out. God knows you have the room.
Where are you going?
There, that's better.
But I don't want it there. I want it back with the other monsters.
Okay, just try it out.
Consider it an experiment.
- Arlen. - Hmm?
Thank you for bringing me here.
Oh...
You caught me off-guard tonight.
Tell me, am I the first girl
to see your monsters?
I'm sorry.
Just give me one second, all right?
Don't go away.
I'm blowing it again, aren't I?
No, I love it
when I'm about to kiss someone
and they leave me to protect a plastic toy.
But...
a kiss is so much better
knowing they're safe.
I gotta just remember to let that shit go, you know what I mean?
It's just a car, right? It's not life-or-death.
Wasn't that long ago, if somebody cut me off
I'd go on a three-day binge.
And now I just pray silently for their death.
Hi, my name is Ross and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Ross.
That's about all the time that we have,
unless anyone has a burning desire.
What about you...
The newcomer?
Fine. You want me to say something?
How about this?
I fucking hate this.
I fucking hate that I have to be here.
And I fucking hate all of you
and your pathetic little stories.
I can't believe I've ended up here.
It's fucked. I'm fucked.
And you're fucked too.
- I hear that. - I hear that.
- I hear that too. - Right on.
Listen, I've got a great plan.
I think what I'll do is walk around at night tripping the locals,
throwing their backs out of alignment.
It's tough work, but the war needs soldiers.
Well, that sounds great. When can you start?
Good luck on the moon. We always knew you could do it.
Thanks.
Gee, you think he's gonna be safe?
Are you making fun of me?
No, I was just making fun
of that inquisition holdover of a car seat.
One more strap... I think you could get him to confess.
Keeps him safe.
- Okay, I'll see you later. - Yeah, mm-hmm.
So what's the deal with heaven and hell anyway?
I've seen hell, and it's name is Reno, Nevada.
I can't believe God would punish people for not believing in him.
Ah, the rapture.
What's that?
Well, I like to think of it as a monster movie.
The monster destroys some people and spares others.
So who is the monster?
God.
God is the monster.
Have you been to the chiropractor recently?
"Straighten up" healing center...
We'll heal you as you straighten.
No way.
"Straighten up" healing center.
Have you been to the chiropractor recently?
What are you doing?
Elizabeth said we needed to get the word out.
Nobody wants to talk to a spine.
We're offering a discount.
- A spine? - I don't mind.
"Straighten up" healing center.
- A spine? - I don't mind.
Bye, Mr. Mankowitz. See you next week.
We're a new business. We have to advertise.
Is that helping your business?
Oh, no.
Honey, how did that happen?
- We got you. - Hang in there, Anne.
We've got a bone saw around here somewhere.
That's so funny.
Honey, we'll get you out of it.
- Oh. - Oh, no. Are you okay?
- I'll go home. - Go home now?
- Well, that sucked. - Oh, no.
I'm so sorry. Are you coming back?
Do you want me to call you later?
What are we gonna do with you?
I can take him to the park.
- Okay. - No, that's okay.
It's more complicated than you think.
I can take a kid to a park.
Right.
- Wanna do that? - Yes.
Yes?
- Okay, go to the park. - Come on.
Just to the park, though, right? Be careful.
I mean, have fun. Be careful.
Just the park. Have fun.
I don't ever want to step on a nail.
Got it.
In your house, do you have a favorite towel?
Yes.
I can read upside down.
Hey, I got something for you.
It's a proper vehicle
For future missions.
What are you waiting for? Go play already.
- Can I? - Yeah, get out of here.
I don't really have a favorite towel.
Me neither.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
That's it. Come on.
Circle the airport. Circle the airport.
That's it. Bring it in.
Kris, now is not a good time.
My dad died today.
Hi.
- My dad died today. - Oh my God.
I didn't know where else to go, so I just came here.
I know it's not our regular time,
So you can give me some extra books if you want to.
- What's he talking about? - Nothing. Kris,
now is not a good time.
I'm thirsty.
Yeah, Arlen, get him something to drink.
Sure.
I've never been in here.
- The place is huge. - It is.
He's got nice stuff.
Thanks.
So I came home and I found him.
He was sitting at the table
doing a crossword puzzle.
He never does crossword puzzles.
Kris just got out of rehab.
Oh. Are you okay?
Hey, let's not talk. Let's just sit here.
That's a good idea.
What did you mean about extra books?
I own a little bookstore... "Book Trader."
Oh, yeah, that's where I bought your book.
Perfect.
Arlen tried to sell me back some books and I couldn't afford it.
So he freaked out. And now I come to his house
and exchange books for questions.
You make him pay for his questions with books?
- Totally fair. - No, it's not. It's awful.
You haven't heard the questions.
Arlen, I can't feel anything...
Nothing.
I should be able to feel something, shouldn't I?
Do you like working at the bookstore?
I love the bookstore...
All those ideas somebody cared enough about
To put all that work into.
I could never do anything like that.
Sometimes I'll just stand in the middle of the store at night
and imagine that all those authors are surrounding me.
I close my eyes and pretend that they're trying to tell me something.
They are. They're saying, "Give me your money."
What else?
What else do you love about the bookstore?
I love that I feel safe there.
Safe from what?
- I don't know. - Yes, you do.
No.
Come on, safe from what?
Safe...
Safe from being scared all the time...
all the time.
I get so tired of it.
I get so tired of being scared.
I get...
My dad died today.
I know, baby.
I know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Will you be okay? - Yeah.
Come by the office this week, okay...
A free adjustment?
Okay.
Hey, I'm around, you know. If you need anything, you can come by.
We'll see.
- Hey, you want to...? - I need to go.
Oh. Oh.
Why is it that when you're with me
you say the most amazing things,
but when some broken-down kid who's lost his dad needs you...
Nothing. Why is that?
It's complicated.
Really?
I would think something like that is easy for Arlen Faber.
Hey, would you just...?
What? What is it, Arlen?
What are you hiding?
Time's up.
You can't do this.
I showed you my monsters.
Are you really Arlen Faber?
No.
And neither is Arlen Faber.
Anne, it's me. I'm calling again. I'm so sorry.
I promised I wouldn't call again. I know, I know.
I just wanted to tell you one more time I'm so sorry.
I'll never make you wear a costume again.
Just a minute.
I promise, not even for Halloween.
So please, if there's...
So when I figured out it was him, he agreed to help me
as long as I didn't tell anybody who he is.
Why doesn't he want anyone to know who he is?
I don't know.
Maybe it's because he's supposed to have all the answers,
and he's a disaster.
Are you his girlfriend or something?
No.
Were you before I told you he wore a disguise?
No, but that didn't help.
Do you like him?
Doesn't matter.
All done.
Well, I'll come by the bookstore this week.
Better hurry. Might be going-out-of-business sale time for me.
Oh.
Yeah, the first one's free, then they own you.
Hello.
Hi, it's Elizabeth.
Calling to apologize?
No, look, I need to ask you a favor.
Well, word on the street is I don't help anyone.
Look, Anne isn't here.
I have a client. I'm stuck.
I'm not hearing a favor in here.
I can't believe I'm gonna ask you to do this,
but could you please go and pick up Alex from school
and bring him to your place and I'll pick him up later?
And do not talk to anyone.
No talking.
And I told them you're my brother.
- You what? - I had to.
Just please go and get him and bring him back.
Just get in and get out.
Pick him up, bring him back, do not talk. Got it.
Hey, buddy.
Your mom asked me to come and get you.
Okay.
Are you here for Alexander?
Yes, Alex.
- Oh, you must be the brother. - Correct.
Oh, I was expecting to see her today.
Today is conference day.
She had a medical emergency.
So I'm just gonna take Alex home now.
See, I'm afraid that could affect
Alexander getting into the advanced program.
Oh, well, you could just tell me.
After all, I'm her brother.
Fine. Okay.
- This will just take a minute. - Okay.
Okay, well, come on in.
Shit.
Where are my...?
If you would...
That's nice.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Zebulon.
Uncle Zebulon.
Ta-dah!
Well, Alexander...
First let me say what a joy he is to have in class.
He's a very creative child
and he makes friends with everyone.
If one of the other students is hurt or upset,
Alexander's always the first one to show them comfort.
He's quite empathetic.
And empathetic is good.
- Great. - But in some of the other areas...
Empathy, reading, friendship... what else is there?
Well, math.
He's far behind the other students.
He still struggles with arithmetic
while the other students have moved on to multiplication.
Well, you're the teacher. Aren't you supposed to be able
to find a way to teach it to him?
I have 26 students.
I can't devote all of my time to one student.
And Alexander still needs to learn
our very first lesson.
And he's also... oh, how do I say this?
Well, immature.
He's seven.
Yes, but he still jokes
with his seatmates during a lesson
and sometimes while we're trying to have peaceful time.
The other students still have to learn all the same lessons,
and Alexander often makes this difficult.
I think if Alexander's really going to thrive...
Let me stop you right there.
I'm gonna tell you a couple of things.
All kids develop in different ways
at different times and in different directions.
Now I am confident that Alex at some point
will be able to tell time and make change,
which, let's face it, just about covers it.
I don't think you're hearing me.
What I am hearing is that Alex is not a good candidate
to be a robot in your clone army.
Zebulon...
We're gonna work on the math, okay?
In the meantime, why don't you try not making him feel
like being who he is is the problem?
That's what happened to you and me, remember?
Oh, and by the way, his name is Alex.
He fucking hates "Alexander."
Am I in trouble?
I think we got her right where we want her.
She says you're a great kid,
but maybe you could not tell jokes while she's talking.
- Okay. - Oh, and by the way,
If she asks... I'm your uncle.
My name is Zebulon. Zebulon...
A Hebrew name, means "exalted."
What's up?
My mom says that meat is poisonous
And it can make you sick.
And I say
if that's not the best hamburger
you have ever had in your life,
I'll change my name to Denise
and run into the sea.
Okay.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
This is a nice piano.
Yes, it is.
- Can you play it? - A little.
Will you play me something?
No, I don't want to.
How come?
Well, it was my father's and he died
and playing it reminds me of him.
Was he nice?
Yes, he was.
Do you miss him?
Very much.
Yes, I do.
Me too.
- Can I ask you a question? - Mm-hmm.
How long is two weeks?
It's okay. I don't know either.
Hi. Hi, buddy.
Oh, a big hug.
Thanks for watching him. It won't happen again.
No problem, really.
- Bye, Arlen. - Bye.
Sorry for the imposition.
We had a good time.
- Elizabeth. - Yeah?
Nothing.
Come on, you. Did you have fun?
Hamburgers?
Who thought that was a good idea?
Kris.
- Kris, are you there? - Go away.
What's up with the bottle?
My dad's funeral was today.
I was the only person that knew.
Oh, well, I'm sure there were some people
who couldn't make it, you know.
No.
You said everyone's life
is either moving toward or away from a purpose.
Maybe my purpose is to drink.
That's not what I meant.
When I came to you, I really thought you could help me.
And you know what? You did.
You helped me realize that all my worst fears are true.
I mean, you had the man on the phone,
and this is what it did for you.
So I may as well go ahead and drink.
That's not what I meant.
Congratulations, Arlen.
You can have your life back now.
Isn't that what you want?
Get out.
- Hello. - Hello, Arlen,
or should I say Zebulon?
It means "exalted." do you want...?
I can't believe I forgot about the conference.
Lucky for you, I was there.
What did you say to her?
Nothing.
"Kids develop," you know, "friendship, reading,"
maybe something about robots.
Arlen, Mrs. Gold called me and said
that she wants to recommend Alex for the advanced program.
Oh, well, that's totally amazing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Just when I give up on you...
Yeah, a program of advanced what?
Placement in learning.
- Learning what? - I don't know what you mean.
I mean, Mrs. Gold is kind of an uptight little control weasel,
And I think that school you love so much is bullshit.
I would keep my kid far away from people like that.
What that kid needs is confidence.
I'm sorry, when did this go from me thanking you to you attacking me?
I'm sorry. You're welcome.
I'm glad you got what you wanted.
Are you saying Alex doesn't have any confidence?
I'm saying he's just a little guy.
And all that pressure is gonna fuck him up
or turn him into a salesman of some kind.
I'm sorry, when did you become an expert in child raising?
I'm not the one who straps him into some death harness
and then buys pretend food
that's supposed to be better than the real thing.
You're trying to turn him into your idea of who he should be
instead of looking at who he is, and that's...
Who are you to judge me? Alex is everything to me
and I want to give him the very best.
While you're giving him your best,
you might want to tell him his dad's not coming back.
What did you say to him?
Nothing. He asked me how long two weeks was.
I didn't say anything.
Look, he knows the truth,
but he needs to hear it from you.
Let me guess, God told you that.
He said, "They're having a rough time, Arlen.
You should go and help them."
No? Of course not. Because you don't want to help anybody.
You don't want to know anybody. You just want to sit in here
and hide and watch while the rest of us try to work it out.
It must be hilarious.
It's not like that.
You know, I feel more alone now
than I did before we met.
Excuse me.
Hi.
You must be Kris.
I'm Terry...
Terry Fraser, Arlen's agent.
How did you do it?
Wait, I don't want to know. I don't care.
- What's going on? - You don't know?
Arlen is coming here to speak for the 20th-anniversary of "Me and God."
It's a miracle. He phoned me and told me to get the books over here,
said he's already sent word to all of the websites... all of them.
Get over here.
What's going on?
ThatTerry lady came in this morningg with all these boxes of books
And said that your pal Arlen is speaking here today
and we'd better get busy.
We don't have any money to buy books.
Kris, it was a gift.
- Where is he? - He's coming.
No, Kris. Who's gonna help me...?
Hi, you guys.
I'll be with you in one minute.
There you go. Just fill that out.
We'll get to all of you, I promise.
- What are you doing right now? - We're kind of busy.
Arlen's going to speak at the bookstore.
- Arlen who? - Arlen Faber.
There he is.
- I love your book, Arlen. - You rock, Arlen.
ladies and gentlemen, this is
a very special occasion for all of us,
something that we have waited for for 20 years.
The author of "Me and God,"
the man who showed us a glimpse of heaven...
Arlen Faber.
Thank you, Terry. You were right.
I should have done this a long time ago.
Thank you for coming.
I would also like to thank
Kris Lucas and "Book Trader"
for allowing me to use their store today.
This is the best bookstore in Philadelphia.
Whoo!
Now those of you who liked the book,
one person had the insight to see
that this book might be useful to people... one...
Terry Fraser.
Terry is the one person
who saw the value there.
All right, now I came here to tell you something,
so just hold your applause until the end, all right?
Now I know many of you have questions.
I can't talk to God.
Here's the deal...
A little over 20 years ago
I found out that my father had an illness.
Everything he had and everything that we did together
would be taken from him one memory at a time.
Now I got this news
and I begged for help from, you know, whomever.
I pleaded...
Nothing.
I had questions. I wanted answers,
needed them.
You know what it's like.
Well, guess what happened.
I didn't get them.
And it really pissed me off.
So one day
I started to write the questions down.
And then some answers to those questions came to me
and I wrote them down too.
Before I knew it, I had all these pages.
One thing led to another
And that's how "Me and God" came to be.
That's it.
I didn't even really think that much of it at the time.
I wish it were more amazing than that, I really do.
Are you saying you made it all up?
I don't know.
Maybe.
Maybe whoever's up there just used my anger and pain
to make me part of some divine plan.
And if he did, he sure as hell didn't let me in on it.
I'm not a guy with answers.
I'm just a guy
who recently crawled back to civilization
on all fours.
Hang on, so all those questions...
The best advice I had at the time, and I meant every word.
I'm sorry, I have to go now.
So you're just like the rest of us.
Not yet, but I'm trying.
Oh, God.
Stop following me.
Stop, will you, just for a minute?
This is dumb.
You're right. This is dumb.
Look, you're complicated and confusing.
Alex and I don't need that
- in our lives right now. - Yes, you do.
- No. - Listen, you can leave...
No, you'll just make something up. And I know...
Shut up, Elizabeth. Look, everything I said was true, okay?
It just didn't come from some invisible super being.
It came from me... me.
What do you want me to say, "It's okay that you lied"?
You want me to fall in your arms
and say, "All is forgiven"?
I understand, all right?
You were protecting yourself and you freaked out.
Happens to the best of us.
Let's just leave it at that.
That's not good enough.
Yes, I lied. Yes, I'm sorry.
Yes, I led you on. Yes to all of it.
But just so you know,
the answer to every questions I ever had
is a kid like Alex who's got a mom like you.
If we could maybe just start again,
I think this might end better.
Maybe it would.
Elizabeth.
I'm Arlen.
# You can cry #
# a million tears #
# you can wait #
# a million years #
# if you think that time #
# will change your ways #
# don't wait too long #
# when your morning #
# turns to night #
# who'll be loving you #
# by candlelight? #
# if you think that time #
# will change your ways #
# don't wait too long #
# maybe I've got #
# a lot to learn #
# time can slip away #
# sometimes #
# you've gotta lose it all #
# before you find your way #
# take a chance #
# and play your part #
# make romance #
# it might break your heart #
# but if you think that time #
# will change your ways #
# don't wait too long #
# it may rain #
# it may shine #
# love may age #
# like fine red wine #
# but if you think that time #
# will change your ways #
# don't wait too long #
# baby, you and I #
# got a lot to learn #
# don't want to waste another day #
# maybe you've gotta lose it all #
# before you find your way #
# take a chance #
# play your part #
# make romance #
# it might break your heart #
# but if you think that time #
# will change your ways #
# don't wait too long #
# don't wait #
# mm-mm #
# don't wait. #