Am I late?
Hi. No!
Yes, 5 minutes, but who's counting.
- We are, right? - Right.
- Well... - So... Okay.
- You ready? - Uh...
Yeah, about this...
Brian. You like me, right?
Yes. Definitely.
And I think you're pretty neat, too,
but what's the point in continuing, without a guarantee?
Yeah.
Of course.
Are... you ready?
Please.
- Alright. - I'm good.
Okay.
Oona! Hey girl. Is this another potential?
Yes. Hi, matchmaker Patty. This is Brian.
Welcome, Brian. Ready to take the plunge?
Uh, Abso... absolutely.
Okay, come on back. I'll get you started.
So, exactly how many guys have you brought here?
I've been on the rocking horse a few times.
How many times?
Please.
- Okay. I just... - Lay it on down.
All-righty, Brian.
So we'll need some photo ID and a credit card.
Okay, sure.
- Sorry. - OK. Good.
So how long have the two of you been dating?
About a month.
Brian Thompson. Male, thirty-three?!
Wow, how'd you get this far without a Timer?
- I'm from Oklahoma. - Mm-hmm. Say no more.
Caucasian. Hetero. Hope that sticks!
And, uh, personality module was completed online.
Perfect. So, we're having a special this week.
Which is $79.99,
That's for installation and the device
plus monthly charges of $1.99.
Okay? Let's have the recipient sign the Terms of Use.
Okay, so, what does this say, exactly?
Oh, just that, um...
You won't ask for a refund if you think your wait
for true love is too long or too short. Or, you know, like,
if you don't like your soul mate.
Are you-- Ar-- Aren't I guaranteed
to like my One? I mean, isn't that the point?
No. Not necessarily. Not at first.
Here's our pamphlet to the Path to True Love.
Now, of course, we have love at first sight.
But we also have friendship blossoming into love.
Or enemies becoming lovers. Opposites attract, etc, etc.
See, the Timer tells you the very moment that your soul mate enters your life.
The rest will evolve naturally.
So you and I have a head start. Right?
Right. Okay.
Awesome. Awesome!
OK, Brian. Which is your dominant hand?
Left.
So we're gonna--? We're gonna do this now?
That looks like it hurts. Does it hurt?
It's like getting your ears pierced.
My ears aren't pierced...
Well then, yes, it will hurt, but briefly.
Okay, so, after implantation
if the two of you are meant to be
then both of your Timers at the very same time go:
And happily ever after. All set?
Yeah, sure, le-- Yes.
Oh, Oona. Come on.
You wanna zero-out with your man, you gotta make some eye contact.
The best part of my day. Drum roll, please!
Jesus!
916 days.
Alright.
Oona, I'm sorry.
It's so fine.
Really. I... I'm... really happy for you.
You see, this is why I didn't want to come here.
- No, I know. - I was afraid something like this--
I know, and it's-- It's-- It's fine.
It's fine.
916 days, that's like...
Two and a half years.
Two and a half years. Heh.
I'll have finished my doctorate by then, and...
Have Tenure. Fingers crossed. It's--
Perfect timing, actually.
Gosh, it's crazy, you know, to think that she's out there, she's--
Walking around, she's living her life.
And the blank Timer she's probably had for years
has finally started counting down.
You know...
Two years is a long time. Maybe we could still...
Right.
Probably a doomed relationship, right?
Moot.
Doomed. I said doomed.
Thanks, I said moot.
That's making a better point.
Sorry. It's fine, I--
Really, I-- Congratulations!
That's so super. I have to get back to work.
- Okay, you know, I-- - So then, we--
- This was really great. - Um. Yeah.
You're nice.
Thank you. No.
Take care.
It's all right here for you, and I am so sure he's gonna be everything that you dreamed of.
See you next time, Oona!
She's one of our recurring customers.
Okay, sir. Have a great day, and keep on ticking!
If a clock could count down to the exact moment
you meet your soul mate
would you want to know?
That's the claim of manufacturers of a new device called
The Timer.
The next evolutionary step in computer matchmaking
The Timer lets you know when your perfect match--
We've discovered that all humans are on a path to true love.
Implanted just after the onset of puberty and powered by body heat,
The Timer monitors levels of oxytocin, the hormone of love.
It zeroes out at midnight, the night before,
and in the next day it could go off at any second
and you meet your soul mate.
Are you tired of sitting around, waiting for love?
Your days of watching and wondering are over.
Say goodbye to heartache and disappointments.
Now you can be on the clock.
True love, on a schedule.
Introducing Timer
a revolutionary device that tells you not only who your soul mate is
but when you'll meet them.
Timer. Take the guesswork out of love.
Have a cookie, Monica.
I can't, my Timer's about to go off.
- When? - Three years.
A computer chip in your arm?
No, sir.
I don't know.
- Would you? - Would you?
Yeah, no. I got one.
It was blank at first, which kinda made me nervous.
But then I guess she got one too. Wherever she is.
Jane likes dogs. So does John.
Your massive database, hard at work.
Listen, common interests are just the tip of the iceberg, here.
We are the business of true love.
Shared values, emotional needs, physical attraction.
By the year 2005, it is estimated that over half of Americans
ages 14 or older will have Timers.
A recent independent study revealed a 98% satisfaction rating
among newly zeroed-out couples.
It's like a fairy tale.
I saw him first from across the room.
And then he ​​looked at me and I knew instantly.
Everybody turned to look, and then people were clapping.
On the 15th anniversary of the invention of the Timer
we're talking to zeroed-out couples.
Eric and Tammi zeroed-out over 5 years ago.
I was totally skeptical, I didn't--
I just wasn't gonna believe that a stop watch was gonna tell me
who to love, you know, but it's not like that.
What would you say to people who still don't believe it works?
It doesn't tell you who to love,
It just kinda confirms what you already know.
What you already feel in your heart, but
when you're ready for it...
It just works out.
It's nice.
What?
Why are you whispering?
I'm not.
Where are you?
Church.
Brian isn't my One.
I'm shocked!
Call me back when you've found your underwear.
You got it.
How'd it go?
Brian isn't my One.
Hey, Priscilla.
(muffled) Hello.
You wanna get these braces taken off today?
(muffled) Really?
Uh... She's got another month, Dr. O'Leary.
She's just here for a loose wire.
Yeah, but a month is negligible.
Especially when school's back in session next week.
My little brother is starting his freshman year.
He's so cute, I could just punch him in the face.
These braces are coming off today, pretty girl.
(muffled) Yeah!
You ever hear the one about the single gal in the supermarket?
It's an oldie, but a goodie.
Fuck it, I'll tell ya.
She brings all her stuff up to the register
four-pack of toilet paper, microwaveable dinners, that sort of thing.
The check-out guy looks at all of her stuff and he asks:
"Hey, are you single?"
She kinda giggles, and she's like
"Why, can you tell by all the stuff I'm buying, like all the single-serve items?"
He's like "No, 'cause you're fuckin' ugly."
I thought that would have gone over a lot better.
Really?
Yeah. I kinda thought you would've got the irony.
- Missed it. - Well, I mean...
with you being so pretty, and all.
Good one.
I'm 100% sincere on that.
Your total is $30.29.
Sorry.
One more time.
Let me see. Thank you.
I see your Timer's blank.
- And? - Nothing.
You're sweating your future, though, right?
That's a shame. 'Cause you could have a much more exciting present if you really wanted.
I'll keep that in mind.
Mikey.
Of course.
So long.
- Bye-bye. - Take care.
In the jungles of Bangladesh,
Sunni fighters, called Mwali,
wear facemasks on the back of their heads
to deter hungry Bengal tigers from attacking them from behind
You were supposed to be here a half an hour ago!
Take a pill.
Jesse's got his entire life to wait.
Our punctuality isn't gonna speed up the process.
You know...
A positive attitude might help.
That worked like gangbusters for you this morning, huh?
It's a process of elimination,
and I'm one step closer, is all.
Here. It's perfect.
Oh, absolutely not, no. Here.
Oh. Did he have a Timer?
Of course he had a Timer.
Timerless guys are so angsty and conflicted.
Boys with built-in expiration dates, now they wanna sow their oats.
Multiple tantric oats.
They're just using you.
I'm using them. Win-win.
I don't--
You have scientific proof that these
idiots are a waste of your time, and yet, you go after them anyway.
It cannot be as satisfying as you say.
Yeah, you know, blazing hot anonymous sex is super-tedious.
You know what? I think we should get a cat.
Oona.
Scale of 1-10: How sad are you about Brian?
6.
6.5. You know what, though...
It's fine. It's not even about Brian.
I just wanna know. You know?
Even if it says I'm not gonna meet him until I'm...
What? 43?
Hi, Mom. I'm sorry. You know what, we're on our way. I swear.
Hi-hi! Sorry we're late. We're here!
Oona's fault!
Hi.
Hola.
Are we in the right house?
You're here!
Hi-hi!
Hi Mom.
Hi, Steph.
Girls, this is our new housekeeper, Luz.
Luz, this is my daughter, Oona, and Paul's daughter, Steph.
Mucho gusto.
Good night, Luz.
Thank you for your work today.
Buenas noches.
Not a lick of English.
This is exciting! Isn't this exciting?
So where's Brian?
He's not my One.
Oh, sugar. Oh, I'm sorry.
Why did you have to take him today, of all days?
Because you said it would be double the celebration.
Brian was never right for you anyway. We all knew that.
Tell it, Marion. Amen!
Steph, baby. Don't make me come after you and your life.
Sorry.
Oona. You're being very stoic and we all appreciate it.
Now on to the next potential One, right?
Now, Matchmaker Ron has been here for over an hour!
- Jesse! - Yeah?
Good. Okay, everybody this way!
Hi. Are you so excited?
- Oona, don't be a douche. - What? I'm happy for him.
Jesse Aaron Depaul, I certify that you are of Timer-eligible age.
This being the first month of your ninth grade school year.
Are you ready, baby?
Piece of cake, Jess.
Even if you won't have any of your original teeth
by the time you meet her.
Or him!
I'm not gay, Mom. Can we get this over with?
Jess.
I will give you new teeth, if you need them.
But just so you know, whatever happens,
You're gonna have someone out there who loves you as much as we do.
Take a deep breath, hun.
Three days?
That's bullshit!
Excuse me.
Three days, Paul.
That is an unusually fast countdown, but...
- It's better to know earlier. - Than later?
Dick.
We're gonna have grandchildren, after all!
Hey! My eggs, they can hear you!
Freshman year, that's my boy!
Oona.
You know what, I'm gonna go.
Oona, this must feel unfair.
Sorry about Brian.
Thank you, Paul. It's okay, Mom, really.
No! Don't even think about it, you stay.
I'm just gonna go to bed anyway. It's fine.
Congratulations.
Bye bye.
What time do you get off?
What?
Do you want me to repeat it?
Yes, into the loudspeaker, if you don't mind.
Believe me when I tell you, this is your one shot,
so make it count.
Now, now, I get off now...
Nelson! Hey dude, cover for me.
Not cool, bro.
So, what do you do?
Orthodontist.
Far out, like a dentist?
Yeah.
Only an orthodontist.
Cool.
So what's your name?
Uh... So, I have roommates.
How many?
Four. But they should be out.
Guys, where are your manners?
Everybody, this is Oona.
Oona, this is TJ, Zuckerman,
the skinny guy in the chair is Greggy, and that's Wretch.
Uma, like Uma Thurman?
Sure. Wretch, is it?
We'll be in the bedroom, it's just around the corner there.
Lead the way.
Who is that?
I don't wanna know how old you are.
Okay?
OK.
How old are you?
I turn 30 this January.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
No! No, no, no. This is a great idea. It's up there with, um...
Gravity, or cold fusion...
what-have-you, it's just...
It's a really, really good idea.
Four months to go, hm.
Yeah, well, you know...
Four... long months.
You enjoy that time.
What?
Yeah, I'll just-- I gotta...
- No, no. Stay. - No, I really...
- I can't stay. - No, no, can't-- Let's go back...
The kissing...
Hey.
Who are you?
I'm him.
You know what they say about a watched pot.
Attention residents. The raffle will begin in 5 minutes.
- I'm fine. - Did I ask?
Margaret? Is that you, Margaret?
Sure isn't, Sadie.
Oh, my mistake.
So? How are you?
I'm fine.
Mom even found me a date for tomorrow night.
Somebody's grandson.
The woman is unstoppable.
Margaret! Answer your mother, Margaret.
Yeah. Not your daughter, Sadie. 'Kay?
- Pardon me. - Okay.
Did I totally ruin Jesse's night?
No! Matchmaker Ron handled that all on his own.
You know, Romeo and Juliet were 14 when they found each other.
If only life were more like theater camp.
Margaret. Is that you, Margaret?
Hang on.
You bet, Mom.
Great news:
I'm gay.
- You're... - Gay!
Gay as the day is long.
Dykey-dyke, dyke. Plus, my girlfriend...
She's black.
That's not funny.
I gotta go.
- It was a little funny. - Miss DePaul.
It might feel like you have all the time in the world
but it'll be you in here, faster than you realize.
Come with me, dear.
Come on, your room is over here.
In the service, we had a name for men like that.
- Pricks? - Cocksuckers.
Better. How they hangin' Dutch?
Down to my knees, angel. You keep your head up...
Good afternoon, Mr. Evers.
Hm, a new patient.
That's fun.
So how'd you hear about us?
There's not a whole lot of orthodontists with your first name.
You can thank my father for that one. Cindy, can you can give us a minute?
Bye, Cindy.
So I think I might need braces,
but I'm no expert, so what do you think?
This-- Look, I...
Come on, how cute do I look in this bib?
You can't do this, OK? This is my place of business...
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to freak you out, I just...
I think you're really cool and I think...
We should hang out.
Mikey, I...
I'm just a check-out guy.
- No! That's not it. - Okay, good.
I'm a musician. And I'm very passionate about my work.
Your real issue is my Timer?
Yeah, it is.
Girls like you think I'm cheating on someone I haven't met yet, right?
No, I just think that if you have a countdown,
if you're lucky enough to know your path to...
True love. You can say it, I'm not gonna laugh.
Yes, to true love. Then you should honor that.
See, that's what's stupid about the Timer--
it says you have one path, and you can't take detours.
I mean, life is about detours.
You know what? You sound like a credit card commercial.
I'm looking for my One, and you're not him.
I get it.
So will this thing buzz, or light up?
Both, I think.
So, Guy, why have you never gotten a Timer?
Romance has never really been a priority for me.
Is this thing working?
Was it as magical as you hoped?
You know, it doesn't all have to be chemistry from the jump.
Feelings can grow over time.
Yeah, sparks are fleeting,
nothing to talk about can last a lifetime.
Thanks.
Have at it. I'll be right back.
Hey, we're Truckbeef. Thanks for coming out.
This is our last song. It's called:
"Mom, can I call you back? I have to dispose of the body."
- Shut the door. - Huh?
- Shut the door. - Oh, yeah.
Don't worry, the guys'll be at the bar for a few more hours.
Taking turns with our groupies.
I think it's really cute that you all live together.
I remember when I was a little girl and the Bangles broke up...
I imagined them rolling up their
Care Bear sleeping bags, and...
packing up their makeup kits...
My God!
Dragging them out of this really big loft
they undoubtedly shared together.
Who were the Bangles?
No, no! Silk.
I'll do it.
Oh God, okay.
Okay.
Hey, Mikey!
- Oh yes, Mikey, come on! - Gotta go to the bathroom!
Goddammit!
Can't a brother catch a break?
Okay, hold on...
Have some cereal, I'll be right back.
You were awful tonight.
So bad.
Shut the fuck up!
Okay. Guys, seriously.
This girl...
is so far out of my league I have no idea how the fuck
I got her back here.
Pussy.
If I'm a pussy, I'm about to have the best lesbian sex
of my entire life!
So I'm asking you all to not fuck this up for me.
Hi.
Samuel? Is that you, Samuel?
Uh... No.
Samuel, the kids don't come by anymore.
And Margaret's impossible!
I think you have me confused with someone else.
I miss you.
I have trouble sleeping without you.
Uh... Me, too.
Sadie, I'm pretty sure that that's not Margaret either.
Sorry if the natives are bothering you.
What can I do you for?
Um... I'm here to see Dutch Solomon.
Oh, he's probably napping.
So. Where are you from, originally?
Rhode Island.
I work at the university.
I love how you say that, like there's only one in town.
Hey. You lay off my grandson.
What, you cock-blocking me, old man?
He's here to humor his elder,
not flirt with the help.
He can make up his own mind.
- What's your name, soldier? - Uh, Dan.
Dan the Man. I'm Steph.
Hey, Steph.
Ooh. No Timer. Yawn.
I told you I was looking out for you, angel.
I know your type.
Come on, Daniel. This Scrabble game won't play itself.
- Nice meeting you. - Likewise.
Oh, you're up.
You're an ass.
Now you can tell me where you went last night?
Oh, my god!
Tell me what you did or I'm gonna pee on your bed!
I met this guy...
Timer?
Mm-hm.
How long?
Four months, and some change.
Hot!
The closer they get to D-Day
the more inclined they are to throw you around a little bit.
It was so hot. It was just so...
unbelievably hot!
He kisses like, um...
Uh, I don't even know. And he has really big hands!
I'm so proud of you.
Seriously, Oona. You've finally got laid proper.
See? One night stands. That's what it's all about.
Yeah, though, I don't really know if I'd classify it as a "one night stand" though.
Uh, well, you're not gonna see him again, right?
Oona?
Even if your mismatched Timers weren't a recipe for disaster,
he's not gonna want a repeat of last night, they never do.
But! It was fun, right?
Yeah, no, it was so fun.
Fun. You want animal pancakes?
Uh, when do I not want animal pancakes?
- Ten. - Ten.
- Nine. - Nine.
- Eight. - Eight.
- Seven. - Seven.
- Six. - Six. Come on, Jess.
- Five. - Five.
- Four. - Four.
- Three. - Three.
- Two. - Two.
- One. - One.
Midnight!
The next time it makes that noise is when you make eye contact
with your One.
But it'll be much louder.
Scared the shit out of me. Be ready.
- Can I go to bed now? - Honey...
How can you sleep?
This is better than Christmas!
Sometime in the next 24 hours
You are gonna meet the girl that you will spend the rest of your life with!
Yeah.
With his large hands the color of Madeleine's afternoon tea
Mowgli encircled her tiny waist.
Her inhibitions melted.
"Oh Mowgli, missionary work is so much harder than I imagined."
She quickly discovered it wasn't all that was hard...
Oops! Naughty bits.
Oona? How did it go with Guy?
It's okay.
I don't really think there's much there.
Well, you can't be sure until he gets his Timer.
No stone unturned, sweetheart.
Okay, Mom.
Girls, you don't realize how lucky you are.
Your generation has been spared the emotional carnage of divorce.
The soul-crushing pain of
unreciprocated infatuation.
The humiliation. Not to mention possible venereal fallout
of reckless promiscuity.
It used to be so awful.
What a mess.
We are so lucky that
since your Mom died, Steph, and my disastrous marriage.
Paul and I found each other.
How perfect is our family?
- Perfect. - Perfecto.
And don't you two feel like you were meant to be sisters?
- Yes - Yes
And it's all thanks to the Timer.
Jesse!
Jesse! Is that her?
- I gotta go. - Bye.
Excellent, Marion,
now spit on your hand and go wipe something off his face.
That's not her.
So?
Did it happen?
No.
What's wrong with an impromptu pizza night with Sheila's girls?
Yeah. Some snacks, an arranged marriage.
I'm just saying it's not up to you to orchestrate this.
Luz. Are you leaving?
Si, Mrs. Marion, ya me voy.
Hola, Eduardo.
Oh, is that your daughter?
Si, es mi hija.
Soledad! Por favor.
Saludale.
Hello Mrs. DePaul. I'm Soledad. It's nice to meet you.
She's lovely, Luz.
This is my daughter, Oona, and my stepdaughter, Steph.
And this is Jesse.
Well!
Eduardo!
This is terrific!
Isn't this terrific, Jesse?
Here she is!
Hi.
Que paso?
Sono la cosa.
- Con el? - Ya el sound Timer.
- Esta luz segura que... - Y la luz parpadea.
Mom, why don't you invite Luz and her family inside?
Yes! Yes, yes.
Dice that tenemos una sanilla in the Mostar.
I'm sorry, Ms. DePaul, we're late for dinner.
Well, you have dinner here!
No, it's a dinner held in my honor.
All the boys in the neighborhood.
That's a moot point now, wouldn't you say?
I'm sorry, we have to go. Thank you.
Well, that was a little rude.
In-laws.
They're shocked.
Just like we are. You can't blame them.
Sweetie. She seems really nice.
And tall.
Marion.
Give him a minute.
He can't process this, Mom, you know.
He doesn't even have chest hair, and he just met the girl he's supposed to grow old with.
He has no idea of ​​what love is.
Do either of you?
Exactly.
Every once in a while,
I'm the person most qualified for the job.
God, I love it when she's fierce like that.
Seriously, do you think it's weird that we've never
been in love?
No.
It only happens once, so we're due.
Yes. But, do you think that they thought like that...
That it only happens once. Before the timer?
I'm just saying, like the expression
"first love" does imply there's seconds and thirds.
You're so asking the wrong girl.
No help to me.
- Good night, Cindy. - Good night.
Hey.
Motherfucker!
You just hit me in the face!
Why'd you-- What are you doing here?
I wanted to see you again.
Why?
You make a strong case.
Stay here.
- She's not here. - Uh, who?
My sister Steph. We live together.
Oh, you guys don't get along?
Oh no, we do. She's my best friend.
Is this her?
Uh-huh.
Oh, are you guys twins?
No. No, she's my stepsister
we just happen to share the same birthday.
Every year, my Mom throws us a surprise party.
Wait, how is it a surprise if she does it every year?
Oh, we all pretend.
Nice.
Oh. Okay. So how, um...
How many more times are we gonna do this?
As many more times as you let me.
Okay, um. See, I--
I'm not like you. I've slept with a total of four men in my life
and each time, I've had to face the
very real possibility of losing them.
And with you, it's actually not a possibility.
It's an absolute certainty.
So I guess you can relax, then.
Wait, um. So you're saying that I'm, uh... I'm lucky number 5?
So we're good now?
Yeah...
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah?
- Yeah! - Yeah?
Shut up.
- Okay. - Okay.
My Mom got hers when she was still married to my Dad.
It was her proof that they should get a divorce.
Do you still talk to him?
Not since I was a kid.
He's a music producer and kind of...
We just don't have a lot in common.
Wait. Hold the phone.
Your Dad is Rick O'Leary?
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Is this a joke? He's a legend!
So they tell me.
I've had sex with Rick O'Leary's daughter.
I'm so much cooler than I thought.
That's like the only cool thing about you.
Oh, snap!
Are your parents still together?
Yeah. They met the old-fashioned way.
They had four strapping young sons, I'm the youngest and most strapping.
Any of your brothers missing Timers?
Why, you looking for a date?
A girl's gotta be proactive, I can't just
sit here and feel bad about my crappy situation.
It's not as crappy as your sister's.
Well, I guess.
One could argue that
knowing is better than not knowing. Even if
knowing is tremendously disappointing. At least she can live her life.
Accomplish what she wants, plan for her future.
Is that what she's doing?
No.
No. We need a little mystery in life.
Well...
If you feel that way, why did you get a Timer?
Some people lead, I follow.
Why are you so far away?
I don't know why.
- I don't know why either. - You're stupid.
- Idiot. - You're an idiot.
- You're the idiot. - You're an idiot.
- Shut up.
- You're the shut up. - Shut up.
Miss DePaul. Where were you an hour ago?
Right here. Doing my job. Smile on my face.
Then why did Mrs. Kaufman's call roll over to voicemail three times in a row?
Are you gonna take the side of a tattle-tale?
Ms. DePaul, we don't pay you to be glib,
or to leave your desk unattended.
I'm sorry for interrupting. That was my fault.
When I came in,
I forgot where my grandfather's room was, and
I asked Steph to show it to me.
Really?
- Yeah. - What's his name?
Dutch Solomon.
Doctor Rosen, call the lab.
Beg your pardon.
You didn't have to do that.
I'm sorry.
He just seemed to be getting on your case a little unnecessarily.
Uh, no, it was necessary alright,
'cause I was sucking down a caramel frapuccino about an hour ago.
OK, you want me to get him back here?
We can just tell him the truth. I know I'll feel better.
Nah, 'cause then that would make me a good influence on you.
You ever been in the Pocket Watch?
You coming by the bar tonight?
Uh... I've, uh...
Yeah, I don't know, why?
Because you haven't been by in a decade.
And because I might've found your next Timerless puppet.
Good teeth. Endearingly clueless.
No scars and/or visible tattoos.
Uh... Yeah. Okay, I'll, I'll...
I'll swing by.
What?
- Why are you weird? - Why are you weird?
You're good at that.
Yeah. And you look like Mr. Rogers.
Dutch insisted.
Always a good idea to take
your social cues from an octogenarian.
What's your drink?
I'm afraid to tell you.
I promise I won't make fun of you.
Just guess.
My sister, she's gonna be here in a little bit, so.
Okay.
Oona. You have spectacular teeth.
- I know. - You've got a...
femur in the way back.
And your tricuspids are just spectacular.
I need suction.
- Oh, suction. - Go ahead.
OK, so... Oops, sorry. I think I just...
got that hangy-ball thing, there, let me just put that back in there.
No answer.
I hope she's trapped under a cross-beam.
This was a setup?
Your sister has a blank Timer.
Can't get anything past you.
Look, thank you. Really.
I'm sure your sister is great, but I'm not really looking for--
whatever.
How come no "whatever" for you?
I was married.
And my wife died. So...
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, look. See, this is why I don't tell people.
You're the most inappropriate person I've ever met.
And now you're getting all appropriate on me.
So, you wanna make out?
What?
I'm sorry. I...
- It's okay. - No, I should be put down.
Don't worry. She had a sense of humor, it's alright.
So, how long ago was it?
Three years ago, this December.
What was she like?
She was beautiful.
She was complicated, though.
It's like she was always waiting for something bad to happen, and...
I guess it finally did.
And she was your One?
Of course.
- Even without a Timer, you knew? - Yeah.
Okay.
Whoah, fresh out of booze.
Have a nice night.
I love my job.
It shows.
Are you interested in doing something else?
Besides serve drinks and answer the phones?
Whatever for?
I don't know, isn't that how it works out here? Like your waitress
is an actress. The guy who bags your groceries is a writer?
Well, here's the plain truth:
By night, I tend bar to meet men,
and by day, I hang out with old people because they don't have Timers.
There's more to you than that, right?
- Yeah, I like to spend my... - You know what?
Don't answer, if you can't be sincere, okay?.
Get up, flake!
Who raised you?
When you say you're gonna be somewhere, you be there!
Jeez, Steph! God!
What's the big deal?
The big deal is, you stood up a reasonably attractive,
shockingly nice, albeit completely emotionally stunted man
in dire need of true love.
Not unlike your sorry ass.
- Are you naked? - What? No!
I'm wearing a robe.
But you're naked underneath. You don't sleep naked.
- Sometimes, I do. - No, you don't.
You think it makes a rapist's job easier.
- Who's here? - Nobody!
Nobody's here.
Since when do you lie to me?
Hey. I'm Mikey. You're Steph, right?
Don't wear it out. Uh...
This is the four-month guy, right?
Yeah. Two months and 12 days, but yeah, it's him.
Oona. What are you doing?
- Have you been seeing him this whole time? - Yeah, I have.
And it's fine. I have it under control.
- Under control? - Ladies...
You're seriously deluded, my friend.
Why? Because I'm enjoying spending time with somebody?
Because I'm not a total slave to the Timer?
No, because he's gonna break your heart into a million tiny little pieces--
- I think... - I know self-destructive,
- this is it! - I think...
- I think it might help if I... - Spit it out, Sparky.
- Mikey. - What'd I say?
My Timer.
What about it?
Oh my god!
Whoa, whoa, guys, guys, no. It-- It's fake.
Look, see? It just, sticks on.
It's fake?
You... You're not zeroing-out?
You don't have a Timer at all?
No, I don't.
Uh-oh.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - No wait, I can explain this...
- No, please, explain. - No no, I can, look. Uh...
Wretch found these things online,
you can just set the timer for whatever you want. People who are so obsessed with them,
I just figured that it'll take the pressure off.
You mean you use it to pick up women, kinda like a fake wedding ring.
That's actually kinda clever. Sorry.
No. I mean... Yeah, that's what they're meant for.
But I just wanted a chance to see if I like the person,
and if they like me back.
I mean, you said yourself, you're different with Timerless guys,
so don't you think that we got to know each other, for real?
Yeah. Except you were lying to me the whole time.
I didn't want to meet you like this.
In your boxers?
With a Timer.
Hey. Thanks.
Nice to meet you.
Is this where you pull away again?
No, this is where I kick you out of my house.
Fine. Great.
Maybe you can chase after me this time,
or maybe if you figure out that me not having a Timer is a good thing,
call me.
Hi.
I don't think I have anything to be sorry about, but I am.
Kinda felt like an apology.
You're right.
You should be the one who's sorry.
I am.
I should've told you.
Yes, you should have.
I just said that.
Okay.
- Did you just come here to make me feel bad? - No.
I just thought maybe we could hang out again.
After this weekend, of course.
Well, that depends.
On what?
What's this weekend?
Thanksgiving.
Right.
You don't have any plans?
Okay, so, um...
My Mom is a little crazy. But totally lovable.
My stepdad Paul is much more sane,
so just talk to him.
A tire swing.
Oh! My brother Jesse. Great kid.
And his One and her entire family are gonna be here,
and it's kinda awkward, so don't make it worse, okay?
And you've met my sister Steph, and learned not to leave your...
jugular exposed. Ready?
Hi!
Don't get up. Sorry.
This is my Mom, Marion DePaul.
That's my stepdad, Paul.
You know my sister, Steph.
My brother Jesse, Soledad, and her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Morales.
Hi, I'm Mikey.
Right. Sorry.
This is Michael Evers, everybody.
Well, we're so glad you could join us.
Paul is just mashing the guacamole.
- It's-- Yeah, okay. - Alright.
I'm sure Oona's told you the happy news,
that Soledad is joining our family.
Oh yeah, absolutely. Congratulations. Felicidades.
Gracias.
Uh... Margarita, Mikey?
Oh, whoah, whoah. Let's see some ID there, Sparky.
Actually, I'm just fine with water, thank you Mr. DePaul.
Always a pleasure, Steph.
I'll have one. Thanks.
Let's make a toast.
To two families becoming one.
Cheers.
So Oona. You've told me so little about Michael.
- How did you two meet? - Thank you.
Mikey's a musician. We met at one of his concerts.
- Oh, what do you play? - He's a drummer.
Yeah, his band is very successful.
What's your band called again?
Truckbeef.
Did you say "Upchuck"?
Truckbeef!
You've heard of us?
Just that one song, "Love Is A Hot Mess."
It was a self-released single, right?
Yes. Yes, it was. You've blown my mind.
So, Michael. Where are you from, originally?
Excuse me.
Kalamazoo, Michigan. For real.
Is that why you don't have a Timer?
Sort of. That, and I really don't believe in it.
Quieres un burrito, Mikey?
Oh, Si. Por supuesto.
That went well. Didn't it go well?
- I think it went well. - It went well. Are you okay?
Of course, why?
You just seem a little tense.
I'm fine.
Is this thing gonna... light up, or buzz...?
Both.
So, tell me again why it is you never got a Timer?
Uh, I don't know. It just never happened, I guess.
Um, why not?
I guess, it was because I was in Michigan at the time, and...
It was about 8 years ago that I was old enough to get one.
People were still a little freaked out by it then. Now everyone in my old high school has one.
I just didn't want to conform, I guess.
You're 22?
Yeah. A little worse than you thought?
Yeah, it's way worse, actually.
Did it just buzz?
No.
He's a nice young man.
Mom.
What's wrong with that?
It's like you've seen a play that you hate,
and the only thing you can think to say is,
"However did you manage to learn all those lines?".
Why don't you just say what you really think?
That he's too young,
he's uneducated, that he's outmatched.
Seems to me that's what you're thinking.
I am only concerned that you've become too attached to this boy.
What about "No stone unturned" ?
I would be thrilled if he got a Timer.
If he's your One, I would be overjoyed.
But I doubt if you'll get him to agree to get one,
He's very reminiscent of your father.
In what way?
Well, he's a musician...
That's superficial, I guess, but he has that same charming, boyish,
tumbling tumbleweed quality.
It's very seductive, I know.
What kind of mother would I be if I didn't help you
avoid the mistakes that I made?
Well, if my father's a mistake, then I'm a mistake, right?
Oona. That's childish.
Look, I know you'd do it all over again for me.
But you can't talk about Paul being your soulmate
and me being the daughter you were meant to have in the same breath.
These are two different paths.
I gotta go.
- I thought you were staying for dinner? - No, Mikey and I are going out.
Can I ask you something?
Can I stop you?
No.
What's the deal with boobs that point out?
I'm not following.
OK. Like, your boobs, they face front, and they're awesome.
I'm talking about the girls' boobs that like, sway out towards their arms.
That's weird.
It's like a lazy eye or something, like which one do I look at?
Unless like, they're really far away, and it looks normal,
but then you wave a few bills,
and they come on over, and it's like, "Hey. Which one do I look at?"
Then I think it's just that they sleep on their stomachs too much,
and that's what the deal is.
Unless it's genetic.
Jesus, if it's genetic, then...
their babies' babies are gonna have tits on their back.
Hey. I got you something.
It's a few more songs we recorded.
You might like the track "You Straighten My Teeth".
- That's catchy. - Thank you.
So when do I get to see you again?
Or more specifically, when do I get to see your nice, front-facing boobs again?
I don't know. Maybe when you grow up.
What's your problem?
Mikey...
I'm turning 30, this weekend.
This is a "biological clock" thing?
It's everything! You know, I mean...
I don't have time to stand still like this.
We did the thing where we pretended that the Timer didn't matter,
and I'll grant you, it was a lot of fun.
But now that I know you have this virgin wrist,
it's back to mattering. Where is my shoe?!
"Virgin wrist"? What the fuck are you talking about? Who are you?
See, this is why I don't want a Timer, 'cause it's fucked up.
I need an answer. I am tired of waiting.
Okay. Okay.
Say I get a Timer,
and it says that me and you are supposed to be together forever and ever
that'll satisfy you, right?
Yes.
You're gonna trust a little piece of plastic over what I can tell you, right now?
You're not telling me anything!
I'm telling you that I love you!
I don't know what that means.
Jesus, Oona.
What do you want?
A guarantee.
No.
Your problem isn't that I can't give you a guarantee, it's that you can't give me one.
Are you kidding?
I need to do something.
- No kidding. What? - I'm going to see Rick.
Holy shit!
Uh... I get off in 20 minutes.
Oh, screw it. Let's go.
Little different than the apartment you grew up in, huh?
Yeah.
I slept on an ironing board, that folded up in the wall.
You think he'll recognize me?
You grew boobs, not a new head.
Not too late to Ding-Dong-Ditch.
You got a bag of dog shit on you?
Hi!
Hi, uh...
We're here to see Rick.
Regarding?
Oh. Oh, no, no.
No, no, not like that. No.
This is weird. I'm his daughter.
Rick?
These girls are here to see you.
Hi.
Can I use your bathroom?
Sure. Excuse me.
Sorry I didn't call before I came by.
That's fine. Uh, please, have a seat.
How are you?
Great.
This might be totally inappropriate, but I have a friend...
He may or may not be talented, but anyway, he's in a band,
and I just thought maybe you could look at his CD demo.
Oh.
No problem.
Okay, so you know what?
I don't wanna take any more of your time
I was just really hoping that maybe...
You could tell me why it is you never got a Timer.
I know it totally offends your bohemian sensibilities
- and everything, but... - I have a Timer.
What?
When did you get a Timer?
Before you and your mother left.
- I thought you refused. - No.
It was my idea.
I knew everything was gonna fall apart, before you were born.
But Marion couldn't give up.
I thought if I got a Timer,
that she could see it a little clearer.
When did you zero-out?
I haven't, yet.
Can you believe it?
Couple of more lessons to learn, I guess.
Let's go.
Thank you. It was nice to meet you.
I had it removed.
Your Dad isn't my One.
But I love him.
Fuck it. You know?
Hell yeah! We should have done this, like, years ago.
This is gonna be better than that time
we convinced Katie Meyers to shave her eyebrows.
- Oh, yeah. - Oona?
Haven't seen you for a while.
Oh, girl, you weren't kidding about process of elimination!
No. No. This is my sister, Steph.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. - Likewise.
We want to get our Timers removed.
Removed?
- Like removed completely? - Yes.
Oh, Oona, honey, you giving up?
- No. - She's moving on.
We both are.
So, can you pop these suckers off, or what?
I don't know. I've never done a removal.
I'll have to talk to my manager.
Are you certain you want to make this mistake?
- Absolutely. - Damn straight!
Okay. Well, removal is more painful than implantation.
One of the many reasons why we advise against it.
You're aware there will be a noticeable scar.
That's cool. We're warriors.
- Wow, that is ancient! - My god, that's incredible.
It's so old!
How about we limit the ediorial comments?
Right. Sorry.
You ready?
Since I was 14.
Okay.
On the count of three.
One...
Two...
FUCK ME!
Wasn't that bad.
I'm fine.
What happened to three?
I feel ten pounds lighter.
Alright.
You're up, champ.
Marion's gonna flip her shit!
Good!
Now Oona, you do realize that
once the device is removed,
it damages the sensory area irreparably.
Where was that warning when I went?
What does that mean, exactly?
It means you can't get another Timer implanted.
Your other wrist isn't a viable option. One shot's all you've got.
Just... OK.
Question.
Do you think the Timer actually works,
or is it just a self-fulfilling prophecy?
The chicken, the egg... It's all a big clusterfuck.
Oona?
I got you.
Okay.
- Yeah. Just, do it. - Are you sure?
Mm-hm.
Okay.
Count of three.
One...
Two...
What... What is that?
What's happening?
This is crazy!
Wha-- what's crazy?
I guess that somewhere, out there, your One just got a Timer.
- Holy shit! - You're gonna meet him tomorrow!
No! No, no no. You made a mistake. You just shorted it out or something.
I mean, there's no way!
That can't be real!
Even if it was, it doesn't matter.
Maybe it's Mikey, and he's the next person you're gonna see, or...
it could be someone else, I guess. Either way, you're gonna meet him.
You're still getting it removed, right?
Oona? Right?
I don't--
I don't know.
It's finally happening!
I'll be in the car.
You won't regret it.
That'll be $79.99 plus tax, for your sister's removal.
Still did that.
Jesse. Man your post. Hi!
You leave your spot one more time,
and I'm gonna make you listen to one of my tapes with me, in my car.
Mikey! How're you? Come in! They'll be here any minute.
- Glad you could come. - Thank you for inviting me.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
Dude, I am not moving.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Dan. - Mike.
Nice to meet you.
Are you a part of the family?
Uh, no. Just a friend.
Me too.
Mom, she's here.
Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Shh! They're here, they're here!
Mikey! Come on, come on!
Okay, hit the lights!
- Surprise! - Surprise!
Steph, where's Oona?
I don't know. We didn't come together.
- Well, that's okay. - Happy birthday, sweetheart.
What?
You look great.
Shit!
That's not the reaction I expected, but...
I want to crush them.
Do it. It's your birthday.
Mi hija. Puritan Meyos if?
Lo tienes you well.
Hey.
That's perfect, thank you.
Excuse me, Ms. DePaul?
Luz would like me to translate for her.
Oh, wonderful.
No tenemos que ser amigas.
We're not friends.
I'm so sorry.
No, no no. I'm a little rusty.
What she said was, you two... don't have to be friends.
Okay.
Hubiera sido mejor si en unos, dos o tres años
Jesse y Soledad hubieran passado a salir en secreto.
It would have been easier
if Jesse and Soledad had started seeing each other in secret.
Y si viso hubieramos descuvierto irritando, llorano.
And then we had found out about it, disapproving, yelling, screaming...
Andriamos que aceptar su amor y
nuestras familias despues de que secaran.
...forcing us to accept their love and each other's families
after they were married.
Oh, I would have preferred that, too.
Yo tambien lo preferia?
Pues...
Y por ahora, yo estoy su callara y usted la dueña de la casa.
For now, I'm your housekeeper, and you are my boss.
Well. That's a good plan. Isn't that a good plan?
Well done, Luz.
Uh, es un bien plan. Muy bien, Luz.
Gracias.
No, it's like a magic trick.
No, no, I don't know any.
Oona!
Hi.
Jesse! Steph! Paul!
Just want to be included.
Everybody! The birthday girls!
Oona, your Timer.
You got a Timer?
Uh, yeah, I did.
When did yours start counting down?
Uh, last night.
Steph!
Incidentally, I may have made things worse by inviting Mikey.
- I'm Marion. - Hi. Dan.
- Paul. - Hi. Dan.
Dan, what do you do?
Mikey!
It's gonna be hard to cover that up.
No, laying shit bare is
kinda the theme of the night, don't you think?
You okay?
What, are you kidding?
Do you... think we should talk about this?
There's nothing to talk about.
God, I was just being nice to you.
All fresh off the bus, I didn't want to see you get seduced by
the adult film industry, or L. Ron Hubbard.
Hi.
This is a fucking Greek tragedy, up in here.
I-- I should leave.
No, you know what...
I should go. I'll go.
Give you two, um, some privacy.
Steph, please stay. Talk to me.
Okay, um...
You're an unforgivable bitch for bogarting
the one quasi-romantic happiness I've ever known.
Nobody's, uh... bogarting...
- I don't need your help, okay? - You know what, don't talk to him like that.
You're gonna be pissed at me, but not at him?
He's the one who suddenly decided to get a Timer
at the most colossally inconvenient time ever!
I had no idea it was gonna be this bad...
Hey. New guy, since you took your sweet time showing up in my life
can you just give me a few more minutes alone with my sister?
Would you stop being such a bitch to him?
Can you stop being such a bitch to me?
I'm just mad, okay? I'm allowed to be mad.
It's not exactly fair that you get everything, and I...
We watched everybody we know zero-out.
But yu and I, we've always had our fucked-up Timers.
It was us, and them.
I'm not a "them".
Oona, you are.
- Can you just give us a minute? - No problem.
You know...
I got the Timer because of you, Steph.
Because spending time with you
made me not want to be alone anymore.
And if there's any upside to all this,
it's that now I know you're gonna be part of my life for good.
"If there's any upside to this" ...
Sounds like you made a great first impression.
Who is he?
That's Dan.
Your man.
How do I not know about a whole man in your life?
You've been a little preoccupied with your own shit lately.
Okay.
Well, then. So this is, where we are.
I'm gonna go.
And you're gonna stay here and be mad.
And you can sulk all weekend long if you want to,
but come Monday morning, you have to come home.
Because you're my favorite person in the world.
And you were my One long before any of these boys showed up.
It just--
It's just not worth it, without you.
Hi.
Where are the boys?
At a gig in San Francisco.
You didn't go?
I had plans last night.
Fuck the Timer.
Really, I don't care about it anymore.
It says I'm supposed to walk off into the sunset with some stranger
and I don't accept that!
You're just freaking out because now you have what you want.
I don't have what I want!
Look!
I got it removed. Okay?
And I know what you're thinking:
that it's moot,
that I already zeroed-out,
that we already know who my supposed One is,
that it's too late,
and there's no going back,
and it's a pointless gesture, right?
That's what you're thinking, right?
No, I'm wondering if "moot" is a real word.
It's too late.
How can it be too late? You don't even believe in the Timer!
I don't believe that we should have them, but I know that it works.
Well even if it does, who knows how long it'll be before he and I...
A year from now, are we together?
A year is a long time.
See, for me, the answer's yes.
Of course, without a doubt, we are together.
My answer isn't because of the Timer.
I know that.
It's because you're not in love with me.
I was in love with you.
I think I was.
I think I ruined it.
Didn't I?
Maybe.
You're being awfully stoic.
Okay, I don't know what that means either,
but you broke my fucking heart and I'm really trying to be a man about it, okay?
So cut me some fucking slack here!
Ow, fuck!
Everything was so much easier when you had a fake Timer.
Because you didn't have to pretend we're something we're not.
No. Because I stopped sweating my future, like you told me to.
I was just with you and I loved it.
Well...
I do appreciate the pointless gesture.
Is there a scar?
There will be.
You scarred me.
But in a good way?
In a good way.
I'm really glad you don't care about the Timer anymore.
This way, you'll know, for sure.
About him.
It's 8:37 in the morning.
I thought you were dead.
Hi.
They look weird, huh?
That's my, uh-- relay team.
I gave them those masks. It's like these Bangladesh hunters...
Yeah. No, I know, I saw the special.
I know they wear them on the back of their heads to deter hungry tigers.
Exactly, yeah.
It's to psych-out your competitor, thing.
Yeah. So weird.
- Weird, yeah? - Yeah.
So what are you doing on my track?
It's usually my track.
From 7:00 to 7:45.
Yeah. I got a late start this morning.
I'm sorry I was so rude to you.
It's-- It's okay.
Please don't take it personally.
It's okay. I'm j--
Just glad you're alright. When mine went blank, I was--
worried you got hit by a bus.
I'm okay.
I should get back to my relay team.
Yeah. Okay.
You should get a late start more often.