( Taps glass )
I'd just like to say,
thank you all for being here
for our first year.
All of our lovely residents all looking so smart.
And for choosing us here at Lark Hall.
And for having a bit of faith in us.
And Merry Christmas.
All: Merry Christmas.
( All chatting )
- Cheers. - And a happy New Year!
( pops )
"When a man grows old
and his balls grow cold
and the tip of his prick turns blue...
When it bends in the middle
like a one-stringed fiddle
he can tell us a tale or two."
What did Father Christmas bring?
I don't believe in him.
I shan't see another Christmas.
Mind you, if I was like her,
I'd shove my head in a gas oven.
( Toots )
( breathes weakly )
( mimics breathing )
( stops breathing )
Mommy!
Mom!
- ( Mews ) - What? I'm busy!
- ( urinating ) - Ugh.
Arnold's dead.
- Oops! - Try and be careful.
Can I have my room back, now Arnold's dead?
- Get in there. - No.
But you get his sleeping bag when he's finished with it.
- ( laughs ) - Can we have a bit of respect, please?
Don't go in that room, Eddie.
( Door creaks )
Man: Go on then.
Man ?2: You bloody lift him, you idle monkey.
I'm not Daley shitting Thompson.
All right. Keep your hair on.
Set?
( Audio rewinding )
Dad: I read in "the Daily Express"
90% of small businesses go down the tubes apparently.
In the first year.
I should stop you reading that paper.
Bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop.
But people don't need sporting goods.
They're always gonna get old, aren't they?
It's just teething troubles, Steve.
Kiss kiss.
( Audio rewinding )
( breathing weakly )
( breathing over earphones )
( wind howling )
- ( horn blares ) - ( tires screech )
( crashes )
What do you think you're playing at?
I could've killed you.
Oi, come here!
...And on Boxing Day we went to top of of Skidby Windmill
and I got badge.
No, you got a badge.
Edward.
On Christmas day, Arnold Doughty, 90,
went blue and died.
So far there has been no communication from him.
( Class laughs )
What a plonker.
Clarence: I think I made a mistake, all right?
Just give it a day, please.
No, I'm fine, thank you.
But we've just moved all that in.
Well, I'm moving it back out again.
All right? It's my things, isn't it?
Who is he?
Some gaga old fart social services have sent.
Lost his wife.
Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye.
Clarence, we can get your stuff just how you like.
You can take as long as you want.
That's not a word.
Yes, it is. Taxi.
You're not playing properly.
Remember your first day at school?
It's a bit like that, isn't it?
Yeah, it is a bit like that.
The first night's the worst, buddy.
Oh!
I went as mad as her the first couple of nights.
Be quiet. Otherwise the war will start again.
Clarence: A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about,
wetting themselves.
People you don't know telling you what to do.
- I'm off. - Hey.
Just give it a go.
This is temporary.
This is only temporary.
Okay.
Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go?
She should do.
Then I can move back into me old room.
You can move back into your old room
if you can pay us 50 quid a week.
Announcer: Tonight, haunted houses,
ghost hunting and the search for life after death.
The most famous ghost hunters and their most famous cases.
And we are...
Lilian, your daughter is on the phone.
Mavis? Really?
Mavis. ( laughing )
Did a ghost leave these chilling messages
asking for prayer...
Wonder what you think are the chances of who's going to win.
I wouldn't really like to predict that at all, Phil.
What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada, Mavis,
When a stamp costs hardly nothing?
Mum, I want to watch
"Arthur C. Clarke." mum!
I've been meaning to ask what you wanted doing with those.
Well, Clarence wants to watch "one man and his dog."
He's the one who's paying. You're a naughty girl.
It's about ghosts!
We're all naughty girls.
- ( Clangs ) - Oh, ball bearings!
I wouldn't mind being alone with that one
in a one in a long dark railway tunnel.
Can I get my wages, Kath?
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Mum, it's very important.
It's about recording ghosts.
It's a ghost-hunter saying what he does when he wants to hunt them.
Steve, come here.
I think you want to say is, "darling, would you mind
Coming here if you're not too busy."
That's what I said. Why can't you watch the TV upstairs?
No, you ordered me to come in there.
The TV upstairs is haunted.
Why don't you do it then?
Please, darling.
Because I came in there last time, dearest.
Doesn't matter. And you didn't come over here last time.
- Yes I did. - Why don't you listen?
Sorry, love.
Will you sort out the TV for him?
Ena, you've just pitched all these knives and forks again!
Yes, sir.
Arnold's ghost must have gotten into it when he died.
Arnold's ghost would have better things to do
than hanging around in a telly.
There, ghosts. You happy?
...Thermometer to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature.
And strange as it might seem,
one might consider bringing a dog or a cat
as animals seem to react to supernatural activity.
Animals also provide much needed company.
Announcer: Price's methods were thorough and no-nonsense.
Like many scientists of his generation,
He believed it was only a matter of time...
What do you think happens when you die, Dad?
Can't imagine it's all that different.
...A thermometer for checking cold spots,
A dog or cat allowed to roam freely.
But most of all, it is imperative for a successful investigation
that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants
to allow the ghost hunter to work in controlled conditions
and without interruptions.
( breathing )
( coughs )
( exhales )
Bastards.
Hello, pigeon.
Are you a magician?
No.
I'm a retired flasher.
This used to be my room
until Arnold came.
Who's he when he's at home?
He's not anybody now. He's dead.
He died in that bed.
If you see anything supernatural,
Do you think you can inform me?
Do you think you can bugger off?
( Grunts )
Clive: Quack quack.
Ahh.
( Mumbles )
- What? - One out.
Give me my ball back.
( Pots clatter )
( mumbling )
Come here.
You...
Come here while I kick you.
You think they sent me here to be abused?
Get stuffed!
( Grunts )
This is my house!
( Sobbing )
( knocks )
Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie.
( Alarm ringing )
( beeping )
Get out. Clear off.
- Come here, Ena love. - Prudence, come on.
Never mind making a break for freedom.
( Howls )
Radio: Right, all clear.
It's a false one.
They are real people, you know? They are not toys.
They were little boys and girls as well once.
I don't want to live here!
I want things to be like they were!
I want my room back!
Mark my words, by the time he's 13
he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag.
Thanks, Lilian.
What did you want to say, Edward?
What do you want to say?
( Blows raspberry )
Oh, where are you off to with a grump on?
Go on, get yourself off to school.
Tell Mr. Kelly you had to go to the dentist.
Idiots.
Cow.
Wankerer.
( Engine idling )
Mummy!
Dad!
Easy way out.
A coward's way out.
It was just a cry for help. That's all.
Classic.
A what?
Never mind, big ears.
Don't say that's all, Steve.
How could we have let him get to that? Poor fellow.
We'll have to cheer this place up a bit.
I'm very sorry for smacking you.
You all right?
Come here.
You're very fortunate, you know.
I never met my grandparents.
And my mummy and daddy
Are too far away for us to see them much.
You've got all these old people around
with all these amazing stories.
It's a privilege.
At least I think it is.
Do you?
Mmm.
Don't be scared of death, love.
It's all right to be sad.
There's no point being scared.
I'm not scared.
I just want to know what happens.
Woman over P.A.: Doctor Singh to Samuel Bailey Ward.
Doctor Singh to Samuel Bailey Ward.
( clatters )
- Nurse! - Thought you might want your stuff.
Draw that curtain around.
And give me my left shoe.
- Did you want one? - No.
Ta.
( Footsteps approaching )
Sorry for setting the fire bell off.
Sorry I put a lot of talcum on the floor in there.
Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over.
And that time I chucked dirt on your head.
That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for
at such a young age.
Sorry.
Are you a magician?
I gave it up.
Why don't you start again?
Do me a favour.
When you...
Did...
Did you see any kind of bright white light?
Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?
As a matter of fact, I did.
And then this cross-eyed little Herbert turned up
and yanked me back out.
That's what you should be saying sorry for.
? That certain night ?
? The night we met ?
? There was magic ?
? Abroad ?
? In the air ?
? There were angels dining ?
? At the Ritz ?
? And the Nightingale sang ?
? In Berkeley square. ?
Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at?
I'm stuck up here on my own
with nothing to keep my trousers up with.
Welcome home.
You know, if I want to top myself,
I could jump out the window.
( Door shuts )
Bugger off.
Man on TV: Sylvia, please.
Sylvia: There must be some way we can find.
( popping )
They say that love will find a way always.
Man: I don't deserve love, Sylvia.
What I deserve are these crippled legs at best.
The chance to reflect on what I've done.
( snoring )
( sobbing quietly )
( floorboards creak )
( chuckles )
Oh, forget it.
How much did that cost?
You can't put a price on looking good, chuckle-bum.
How much is looking stupid?
Nice do, Stevie.
( Tapes clatter )
You ought to watch where you're going.
This your grand passion?
Yeah. But I'm not supposed to.
They're all pictures of ghosts.
When I took that there was no one there.
Apart from that bloke.
( Man yelling )
Wait a minute. Come here, come here.
- What? - It's okay.
- What's his problem? - Who?
Flash Gordon.
- He was in a war. - Oh.
What about the others?
Lilian's a bit miserable.
She trumps a lot. Reg gets drunk.
Elsie used to be a dancing teacher but now she's got a plastic leg.
Prudence tears up toilet paper.
Ena thinks she's still the king's housemaid
and she can't stop stealing stuff.
Clive's had a stroke
so the only thing he can say is one out.
Rage.
Rage against the dying of the light.
( Upbeat music playing )
? the wheels on the bus go round and round ?
? Round and round, round and round ?
? He wheels on the bus go round and round ?
? All day long... ?
Ena: They do go round and round, don't they?
? The dogs on the bus go woof woof woof ?
? Woof woof woof, woof woof woof ?
? the dogs on the bus go woof woof woof... ?
Jesus Christ almighty.
All day long.
? The babies on the bus go wa wa wa ?
? Wa wa wa, wa wa wa... ?
I can't put the two things together.
Lived on my own...
Well, not by myself... And the missus.
You live on your own all your life
and then they think it's a great idea
to shove you together with a load of strangers.
And what do the mummies on the bus say?
- Anyone? - Screw this, if they've got any sense.
- Is everybody all right? - Ena: Yes, thank you.
Nice to see you, Clarence.
? Mummies on the bus say hush hush hush ?
- ? Hush hush hush, hush hush hush... ? - Oh God.
I know somewhere that would cheer you up.
Clarence: You've got to be bleeding kidding.
Edward: Have one of your beers. I want to show you something.
Are you interested in ghosts?
No, not in the slightest.
- I am. - So I've gathered.
I'm trying to catch one on tape.
Where you going?
There's nothing in it, you know. It's all a load of bollocks.
- No it's not. - It is.
"Samuel Peet,
not dead, only sleeping."
He's gonna be pissed off when he wakes up.
This is gonna bring my piles down.
I need a coin.
Now we have to dance around it 100 times.
The hand comes up and you can ask it questions.
Come on.
One.
Two.
98.
- What's happening? - Nothing much.
99.
100.
( Wind blows )
Edward: I mean, there's lots of different ways to contact them.
S?ances and Ouija boards.
You can stand in front of a mirror, right,
and say someone's name again and again and again
and then they'll appear.
Does this apply to anyone?
No, they have to be dead.
Is that your wife?
She looks like dame Edna.
Shut up.
And now it's good night from me.
And it's good night from him. Good night.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night!
Good night, sweet ladies.
Thanks for the mystery tour.
I'm not that bothered in the future.
My name is Edward.
Mine's Clarence.
Prudence: Good night!
Reg: I can't see the telly.
? Simply because you're near me ?
? funny, but when you're near me ?
? I'm in the mood for love ?
? heaven is in your eyes ?
? bright as the stars we're under ?
? oh, is it any wonder ?
? I'm in the mood for love ?
? why stop to think of whether ?
? this little dream might fade? ?
? We put our hearts together ?
? now we are one ?
? I'm not afraid ?
? if there's a cloud above ?
? if it should rain, we'll let it... ?
( music continues )
Annie.
Annie?
Annie.
Tanya: Right, I'm knocking off.
That's a good idea.
- I'm off down the ship. - Oh.
- Mind if I get changed in here? - In, uh...
You see "top of the pops" last night?
Oh no, I don't watch it.
Who was on?
No, I don't watch it neither.
No.
You still with Mike or...
Oh no, I packed him in.
I mean, we're both going away soon.
University?
That's it.
Wish I'd gone sometimes.
Failed my geography a level.
Didn't realize there was another question on the back of the page.
Finished half an hour before everybody else
and I'm sitting there thinking, "God, they're all bloody slow."
( laughs )
Do you want a lift or anything?
Uh, yeah. If you like.
Good. I'll just get me jacket on.
Oh, you smell like a tart's window box, Steve. What have you got on?
Oh, just something I were bought for Christmas.
( Breathing weakly )
This is what I've got to look forward to, is it?
Can't you find something more constructive to do?
Learn a skill.
I only want to know what happens.
What happens is
is you think the last thought
you're ever going to think.
And then whatever it was that used to be you
just goes.
Christ, it would be lovely.
I've got lots of things I'd like to say.
But the curtain has come down, unfortunately.
That's horrible.
It can't just be black.
Don't take the piss. It can't just be black.
You waiting for someone?
- Yes. - ( bell rings )
A little lad.
Your grandson, is it?
No.
Just a little lad.
( Children chattering )
Gaylord.
You don't have to come and get me.
Don't you want a game?
It's nice weather for one.
I don't like football.
I was wondering
if you might accompany me
on an expedition.
Dad: Two fat ladies... 88.
The bulb's broken.
Doesn't matter.
The darker the better.
Now, for those of you
who have never before sat in a s?ance,
there is absolutely nothing
to be fearful of.
Ghosts are very friendly sorts.
They like a nice chin wag.
But they're very scared of loud noises
and sudden movements.
Which is the reason why
they are very rarely to be sighted
in discos and wrestling matches, for example.
You shouldn't joke. It'll make them vengeful.
Spirits, please accept
my mortal apologies.
Now...
Who are we hoping to contact tonight?
Anyone.
Okay, we'll try for anyone.
Is there anybody there?
- Is there anybody there? - ( bangs )
- Is someone in here? - ( bangs )
- Who is it? - Arnold?
( Bangs twice )
- Someone else? - ( bangs )
Who?
It's yes or no questions only, I think.
Is there life after death?
( Bangs )
- What's it like? - Is it nice?
( Bangs )
Are there any ghosts in this house?
- ( Rattles ) - ( gasps )
Are there any nice ghosts in this house
that don't want to scare anyone
or cause any bother or nothing?
( Bangs )
There.
? Happy birthday to you ?
? happy birthday, dear Edward ?
? Happy birthday to you. ?
Good morning.
Morning.
- Do you like it? - Yeah.
( Motorcycle running )
Thanks.
I'm going to have a shave.
Can I have a kiss, please?
Thank you.
It's a special and glorious day today.
Yeah.
Canada's a country.
And my big God-bothering girl Mavis
is coming from there to see me today
With her husband who's got a plate in his head.
Course she's not a girl now, little man.
She's 66 years old.
I'm 11.
Well, she's six times better than you are, isn't she?
( Coughing )
( thumps )
- Steve! - What?
Come here!
Oh God.
Oh, fantastic.
( Car approaching )
( doorbell rings )
Someone answer the door!
Who do you think you are then, Lord and Lady Aggleshite?
Tradesmen's entrance.
Well, shake a leg.
- Up. - I got her.
Mum.
Happy birthday, mate.
Back to your room, quick smart.
- Is she dead? - No, she's fine. She's fine.
( Thuds )
What's all the fuss about?
She's had it. She's only just died.
Now stop that. Stop what you're doing.
( Exhales )
She's just in her room with her things.
It's hard to know what to say.
Oh.
Eddie, I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire ripper must have started.
Oh, Steve, he's not gonna end up like the Yorkshire ripper.
Dad: What's wrong with playing with your Lego?
- Why are you so bloody morbid? - 'Cause I live here.
Mum: We are doing our best.
Edward: We used to go away for the day on my birthday.
Mum: Oh, Eddie.
Dad: That doesn't entitle you to do whatever you bloody like.
( groans )
( breathing heavily )
( groans )
I heard Lilian's ghost.
It went, "aaahh."
But I was too thick to turn the tape on.
Yeah, that's the sound it makes.
It's the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out of the lungs.
No, it's not.
Can we do another s?ance?
The proper reaction is to mourn
and to celebrate their achievements as human beings
And then try to move on.
Not stick a microphone up their nose.
I used to have a room with Paddington bear wallpaper.
Yeah, well, I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth.
Your life changes, Buster.
And not always for the better.
You accumulate regrets.
And they stick to you like old bruises.
Sorry.
Many happy returns of the day.
I'll teach you a few tricks.
I'll do you a magic show.
And you can rub out all of today.
And you can ask your pals.
I don't want a party.
Join hands and make contact with the living, son.
You've got to keep it hidden, you see?
Keep it in the knuckles. Go on.
You're lucky. You're still flexible.
Go on.
Now make it disappear.
Go on.
( Chuckles )
Pick it up.
Start again.
But it doesn't start until September.
What's that? Tanya.
Good God almighty.
Poor bunch of pricks.
Go on, ask him.
Ask him about your party.
Afternoon, all.
I don't understand.
It doesn't take five months to pack.
Tragic, isn't it?
I'll call you back later.
What were her achievements, then?
What was she like?
She was a manipulative,
passive-aggressive,
unkind old ass-hole.
- ( Playing piano ) - ? wish me luck ?
? As you wave me goodbye ?
? Cheerio, here I go ?
? On my way... ?
Tanya's resigned.
- Can you believe that? - She's what?
Can I have a birthday party, mum? I know I was a prick.
Where did you pick up language like that?
- She give any details? - I want a magic show.
- Eddie, you were a naughty boy. - Go on.
- Hello, details? - Mum!
Eddie, will you just get off our backs for one minute?
We've got this blooming wake going on. That's enough to deal with.
? Till we meet once again ?
? you and I ?
? Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye... ?
Maybe we should have a wee dance.
The dancers have all gone under the hill, my dear.
? With a cheer, not a tear ?
? make it gay... ?
Oh. Go on then.
It'll do you go to have some other kids around.
She must have said something about why.
( Sobbing )
Mum: I don't know what you're so upset about.
It's me who'll cop for the extra work.
Oh yeah, 'cause I do sod all around here, don't I?
You know, sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt.
? Till we meet once again ?
? You and I ?
? Wish me luck as you ?
? Wave me goodbye. ?
Cheers.
( Applauding )
Find the lady. Five will get you 10. 10 will get you 20.
Put your money in.
Where is she?
- No, there she is. - Oh!
- Not so bad here is it? - No.
And the Vicar says,
"Madam, this is a ladies bike.
It doesn't have a crossbar."
You see...
She thought she was sitting
on the crossbar all the way from Keighley.
- But it was his stiffy. - Yeah.
- Everyone all right? - Yeah.
Fucking Christians.
You use two panes of very polished glass for pepper's ghost
At an angle like that.
Annie lies here... Well, your assistant...
- You've had this. - What?
You've already had this week's, buddy. It's only Tuesday.
I do not believe that I have already had this week's.
- Don't you? - No, sunshine, I don't.
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
Bugger off.
Can just be very small scale.
It could just be me and you.
- What could? - My birthday party.
I have been trying to draw you out of yourself for a bit,
in case you hadn't twigged on.
God, what's the worst that could happen?
Kids eat some cake.
We lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality
for a few glorious moments.
Okay.
This one.
Got. Got.
Need.
- Oi. - What?
We got P.E.?
Of course we have, spastic.
Hey.
( Gasps )
Shit.
- ( Students gasp ) - Whoa!
Wicked.
The light is on.
The light is on!
You've got to flex it between your knuckles.
Don't drop it.
Flex it in your whatnots.
Bleeding hell.
You've got to practice, you know.
Have you been pract...
Give us your whatsits. Doo-da.
You're not gonna leave, are you?
Why do you write so much on your arms?
( Engine starts )
Shall we go and get some magical items for your party?
? Don't jump off the roof, Dad ?
? You'll make a big hole in the yard ?
? Mother's just planted petunias ?
? The weeding and seeding was hard ?
? If you must end it all, Dad ?
? Why don't you give us a break? ?
? Take a walk in the park, Dad ?
? And there you can jump in the lake. ?
( Horns honking )
Whoops-a-daisy.
This is where we are then.
Find some items to make your party go with a swing.
It's funny.
You spend your life accumulating stuff,
and then you can't find anywhere to put it.
Imagine that.
Imagine all the money I've spent.
All the bloody work I've done.
There.
I had a fine woman, you know.
She was very artistic.
Very gentle.
We were very happy.
What's this do?
- It tells the time. - Is it magic?
No, it's a grandfather clock.
You've got to give 'em the patter.
Otherwise they'll latch onto you.
What's patter?
She was very good at that as well.
She used to help me write my little funny lines and things.
I met her at Euston Station.
Well, I saw her.
She passed me by.
I went after her.
I had a ten Bob note in my pocket.
You don't see them any-more.
They were red.
So I took it out and I said,
"excuse my intrusion, miss,
but I think you might have dropped this."
And she said,
"Oh, gosh, I did. Thank you."
So I took her to Lyons Corner House.
We had a long bun,
as it were.
And that, as they say. Was that.
Oh God.
Clarence: I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped them.
Tanners, florins, shillings.
You don't know what change you're getting nowadays.
And, uh...
And...
Where is this?
- ( Tires squeal ) - ( horns blare )
Clarence?
- Patter. - What?
- Misdirection. - Clarence, you're driving on the...
Clarence!
I'm sorry, I...
( quietly ) ? don't jump off the roof, Dad ?
? You'll make a big hole in the yard ?
Man: You shouldn't be driving.
( closes door )
You okay?
When I was a nipper,
I used to
remember looking up
lying on my back
and looking up at the stars
and thinking what a great big university it is.
Universe.
And all them stars, well yeah.
Now they're very very small.
It's all shut up shop.
And the stars,
they don't whatnot.
And the whole bloody thing...
has ended up
on little...
me.
You can take it to a garage.
What?
Oh.
( Engine sputters )
You see, when you die
then you come back to life.
You know, actually,
you're born again.
Then you die again.
And afterwards, you come back to life.
Sounds exhausting.
I'd want to come back
as an animal.
A rabbit or badger or something.
I like badgers.
What's so good about badgers?
Well, I like badgers because they're bad tempered
and they look good.
And you can make sporrans out of badgers.
But if you came back as a person,
you'd get a chance to put it right again.
Let me tell you a secret.
Being a person is a pain in the ass.
No it's not.
Yes it is.
- Clarence. - What?
If you die will you come back and see me?
Jesus wept.
Chuck that thing away.
Chuck it. Chuck it away.
Chuck my bloody tricks away.
( Grunting )
What did you do that for?
I'm pissing against the wind.
I'm drenching my Macintosh.
You don't come back, son.
Once they've gone, you can't talk to them.
If I could just say I'm sorry...
If I could tell her I was bloody sorry,
what a difference that would make.
She's dead, son.
- She divorced me. - Who?
Annie.
I wouldn't settle down.
I couldn't keep it in my trousers.
I mean, I was a good-looking fella.
Then one day I came back home
and she...
Many years later
I got a letter saying that she had...
I was too late for her bloody funeral.
I've never even seen her grave.
It's hard to get this far
and realize there's absolutely bloody nothing.
You said you were happy.
Who's happy?
We could do another s?ance.
Don't be retarded. I made it up.
- I did it all for your benefit. - What?
Oh, sod off. I want to be by myself.
- Clear your own stuff up. - I will.
Badgers are stupid.
- ( Dryers humming ) - Ow!
Sorry, love.
Coo-ee.
You getting your rabbit in your hat?
No, I'm shoving it up your bum.
( Audio rewinding )
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Oh.
I wasn't really thinking about anything very much.
I was thinking about having my dinner.
( Chuckles )
No, I mean about...
life being too short. All that bollocks.
Tanya: What the matter, Steve-o?
Kath and I and all used to have an awful lot of fun.
Seems to escape you.
Oh, Christ, Tanya.
Don't go to university.
If you stay here we could date.
- Whoa, what? - Do you think I'm attractive?
Hold your horses, Stevie. I'm 18 years old.
I know, it's fantastic.
Yeah, and what are you, like 45?
No, I'm 39.
Going on bloody geriatric.
( knocking )
Clarence: Kidda...
I'm thinking of doing the card finding duck.
Go away.
It takes two people.
Tough titty.
I don't want any bloody magic.
Kelly: Ranjit, who in the previous book was called John,
Has got six marbles.
Zulema, who used to be Samantha, has got 12.
And Keith, thank goodness, has got four.
What percentage
of the bag does each one have?
Five minutes.
- I don't wanna. - Pack it in, the both of you.
Have some manners.
But he's an old folk's homo.
Ben: Oh God, what's that smell?
Barry: Ugh, it's wee.
Ben: No wonder he's a complete weirdo.
? Happy birthday to you ?
? Happy birthday dear Edward ?
? Happy birthday to you. ?
( Cheering )
Go on, make a wish.
Quickly, before that senile old bat.
( Pop music playing )
( farts )
Barry: Stuart, did you make that smell?
( record scratches )
Carry on, carry on.
- Let me do it. - No, I am perfectly capable.
( Scratches )
Him, he's out. He moved.
I've been moving without a break since 1917.
I can't do anything else.
( Music resumes )
Get up, you.
Reg the hair.
Get up.
- Get up! - Oh!
Now move.
( Music playing faintly )
Can you do your magic show?
What?
You sure?
You got any kids?
Mum: Now then, ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
please put your hands together
for the amazing Clarence.
( Cheering )
Thank you.
I'm not the sort of magician
who drags you through endless mysteries
I'm pretty straightforward.
And I don't do card tricks.
Aw!
( Gasps )
( applause )
Well, maybe one or two.
( laughing, applauding )
Would you take a card for me, please?
Any card. Any card.
Thank you. Look at it.
Don't tell me what it is.
No no no no, don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Put it back.
I have a friend that will do that for me.
Ronald the card-finding duck.
He is going to find your card for you.
- ( Crowd gasps ) - Oh!
Quack quack.
Can I have another brave volunteer, please?
You?
Another volunteer. Come on.
Come on, who? Who?
- You, sir? - No no no.
- Absolutely not. No no. - ( applauding )
They would sit knitting and eating frogs...
( boy groans )
and watching people
having their heads cut off.
( Gasps )
( gasps )
Unfortunately they found
that the guillotine was susceptible
to the power of raspberries.
They found that if you got enough people
to blow raspberries,
the blade would be diverted
from its fatal course.
Which is why
I need your help, okay?
Let's have a dry run.
( Blowing raspberries )
( silence )
Okay, I think we're ready.
- Blow. - ( blowing raspberries )
( screaming )
( screams )
Right, love.
( Clamouring )
There's blood everywhere.
- I've wrapped it in a bag of peas. - Oh, great.
- Oh, no no no. - Let go!
Any other medication?
Yes, I'm on pills for me...
well, I'll be buggered.
Don't put your finger in it.
One out.
( Whistling )
Did you have any?
It's gone crusty.
Go on, why don't you have some, eh?
- Get this candle lit. - I don't want any.
Have some cake.
- What's the matter? - I live in an old people's home.
Yeah, well, I live in an old people's home as well.
It's not easy for anybody.
You realize this will now be the place you send your elderly loved ones
To have bits of them chopped off, don't you?
It was an accident.
Where do you get off sticking up for him all the time?
- He's not your granddad. - I wish he was my dad.
Oh aye, well, he's going senile.
Haven't you noticed?
So you'll just have to settle for Mr. Knobhead here.
Why'd you have to go and say that?
- He'll find out sooner or later. - Let me go!
Eddie.
Some people don't die just like that.
Not like Lilian.
Some people, they take a bit longer.
- They fade. - I know what senile is!
There's still daddy and me, love.
- We are not going to fade away. - Yes, you are!
- Look, they're just clients.
- You shouldn't get so involved. - What about you?
- What? - Getting involved.
Oh, Christ, Tanya. Don't go to university.
If you stay here we could date.
- Whoa, what? - Do you think I'm attractive?
Hold your horses, Stevie. I'm 18 years old.
- I know, it's fantastic. - Yeah, and what are you, like 45?
No, I'm 39.
Going on bloody geriatric.
You don't want to have an affair with me, Steve.
I can't support my family.
I'm a rotten bloody father and terrible husband
and nobody but you
has a single bloody second for me.
You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya.
I think I love you.
I do.
( tape stops )
Dad: Yeah well, what about you, eh?
Maybe if you paid me a bit of attention every now and again.
Mum: What's the bloody problem with getting your head down
And just getting on with it for a few months?
Do you not see beyond the next nice pair of tits?
I have never been unfaithful to you.
Not in 15 years.
You just undermine me, Steve.
All the time you never do anything
other than complain.
It's exhausting.
Why don't you just go?
- Oh, come on. - I'm sick of it.
Go on.
( car starts )
There.
Oh.
You look nice in that tie, Reggie.
Thank you.
But you never have it quite straight, do you?
No no.
We've got to straighten you out
a bit in general, haven't we?
Yes yes. I suppose so, yes.
Come along.
( Knocks )
It's half eight, love.
Come on, get up.
I want to talk.
Edward.
Eddie?
Barry: On Sunday, went to Edward's birthday party.
There were a wizard who cut an old man's finger off.
It were extremely wicked.
An old person and a young person, please.
1.80.
- That's a lot of ready cash. - He's my granddad.
- Oh, are you? - Well, possibly.
There have been many women.
( Honks )
When are we going home? Come on.
I want to be where my stuff is.
Come here.
Oi, come here.
Come here.
That was a cheap bloody trick.
Pull the red whatchamacallit.
Too late, we're going.
Pull the whatchamacallit.
I'll pull it if you tell me what it's called.
Well, I know it's red.
What's a divorce like?
- What? - A divorce.
A bit tricky, I should think.
Come on.
Is it still there?
What?
- Is it? - What's the matter?
Is the...
Is the ground still there?
Look, ground, sky. Ground.
Ow!
- Oi! - Concentrate!
Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie?
Did I already ask that?
Thank you.
Stay here.
My name is Clarence Parkinson.
And England is my nation.
My teacher's name is Mrs. Scott.
And Christ
is my salvation.
Clarence!
Come here!
That's the same name as my missus.
I know.
Oh no.
Oh God.
Oh, sod off.
Sod off.
( Sobs ) Oh, sod off.
Sod off.
Put 'em down then.
Put 'em down. Get it off your...
Don't. Don't.
You've spoiled them.
Yeah.
I've spoiled
all these nice flowers, haven't I?
It's all right.
You know what it's going to say on my gravestone?
"Here lies Clarence B. Parkinson.
He was born.
He F***'ed it up.
And then he died.
What's your name?
- Eh? - Edward.
Edward,
Things aren't exactly
as they ought to be.
Have you any idea what it is?
There's something the matter.
The name on that gravestone
is the same name as my wife.
Leave it.
I'm gonna go call my mum.
You know, today's the first time
we've spent more than half an hour with each other
without a bloody fogey or shitty ass
or liquidized bloody carrots getting in the way
for a year.
Because our kid's run off because he hates us so much because of what we do.
No, it's...
What we do is good.
We didn't go to university, Steve.
You asked me to marry you.
We had a baby.
Do you remember how much...
Do you remember how hard we tried for him?
Yeah.
That was the journey we decided to make.
And there might be a few less dates
and I might end up looking like my mother, but...
Sorry.
It's not that way, love. It's just over here.
- I thought I was outside. - Come on.
You come with me. That's it.
I mean, you argue with your mates sometimes, right?
And obviously your mum and me sometimes...
( sighs ) I can be a grumpy bum.
It's no fault of yours, love.
It's just...
are you not going to live at home?
I don't know.
But you must never think ever
that you're not absolutely
The most important thing in the world to your mum and me.
Do you understand?
When's he going to die?
Look after him.
Just let me look after everybody.
I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems
at the moment, Edward.
Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go.
I know.
Eve, where've you been?
- Go back to sleep. - I've been looking for you
- All over the damn place. - Oh God help us.
There's another one here, another wild and woolly one
who can't cope with himself.
Annie, I'm sorry.
That's all I wanted to say, to just tell you
That I'm sorry...
I got distracted.
If I had my time over again...
- If I had it again... - Shh shh shh.
- Annie... - I forgive you.
( Softly ) I forgive you.
Doc Brown: You know, Marty, I'm gonna be very sad to see you go.
You've really made a difference in my life.
You've given me something to shoot for.
Just knowing that I'm gonna be around to see 1985,
that I'm gonna succeed in this,
that I'm gonna have a chance to travel through time...
It's gonna be really hard waiting 30 years
Before I can talk to you about everything that's happened in the past few days.
I'm really gonna miss you, Marty.
Marty: I'm really gonna miss you.
Ace one, wasn't it? That one was magic.
Hey, did you like the bit with the skateboard?
I was there too.
Oh no. You sure?
Yeah. You coming in?
A couple of minutes can't hurt.
Hey, you did like it, didn't you?
It was good, Dad.
Can I have a word?
Most assuredly.
With him.
Getting to be a bit Spring outside again, isn't it?
It's October.
The leaves are looking very nice on the, uh...
The large plants you get in the garden.
Trees.
You're not doing that trick right.
You've got to give it some patter.
Words.
- Why don't you just... - What do you call a man
with a paper bag on his head? Russell.
What do you call a man with a license plate on his head? Reg.
What do you call a man with car on his head?
Seatbelt?
Good lad.
- Can I have my fiver now? - Your what?
You said you'd give me a fiver
- If I got it right. - What a load of bollocks.
( Knocks on door )
Come in.
- We have to be off. - Where are we going?
Pictures.
Tata for now.
I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room.
I'm okay where I am.
He was some magician, wasn't he?
Wicked.
( laughs )
Oh yeah.
He shoots, he scores!
Come on then. Pass it!
One out! ( laughs )
- Come on then! - ( groans )
Nice one, old man.
( Growls )
- Come on, magic man! - One out!
Oh, look. Abracadabra.
Oh.
Edward: Where are you going?
Out.
That's all.
You never go out.
Well...
Things are different now, aren't they?
Why'd you have to put make-up on?
Because...
Oh, I don't know.
It makes you feel a bit more human.
You look like a vampire.
( Doorbell buzzes )
Cheers, big ears.
You look nice.
- You ready? - Yeah.