I did everything that I was supposed to do.
I didn't cry in meetings. I didn't wear short skirts.
I put up with the weird upper management guys
that kiss y?u on the mouth at Christmas.
Is it fair that to be the y?ungest VP in my company,
I will be the oldest mom at preschool?
Not really,but that's part of the deal.
I made a choice.
Some women got pregnant. I got promotions.
And I still aspire to meet someone
and fall in love and get married,
but that is a very high-risk scenario.
And I want a baby now. I'm 37.
It's too much for a first date,isn't it? I said too much.
I'm just gonna go use the...
I'm gonna need this to go.
Good morning. Thank y?u for being here so early.
Hi. How are y?u?
Let's get started.
That one.
Well...
I just don't like y?ur uterus.
Don't get me wrong.
y?ur eggs are in great shape,but y?u have a T-shaped uterus.
That combined with y?ur advanced maternal age,
it's preventing proper implantation.
Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?
Well,probably has something to do with medication
that was given to y?ur mother when she was pregnant with y?u.
We used lot of drugs back in the '70s
which we now know can cause infertility.
Infertility?
Yeah. I would say that y?ur chances of conceiving are very low.
How low?
Well,I don't want to assign a number to it.
What would y?u assign it? A color,a nickname,a locker?
Okay.
One in a million.
I just don't like...
Don't say that again.
Come to think of it,
I did take something for liver spots when I was pregnant with y?u,
but I really don't see how that could cause any problems for y?ur uterus.
It was just a different time. They didn't warn people about side effects.
They warned me.
I think I might even have signed something.
What?
Kate,I was 30 years old. I was starting to get liver spots. Liver spots!
I just hope y?u put this baby mania to rest.
It's not mania.
How many times have y?u tried now?
- Three? - Nine.
The last two were in vitro.
Have y?u considered adoption?
I have applied for an adoption,yes.
Kate,please don't get a black baby.
Well,I don't think we'll have to worry about that,
because for a single woman,
it can take about five years to get an adoption.
I've just had it with all these movie stars showing off.
"Look at me and my black baby."
Kill me. I want y?u to stab me with something.
y?u know,Kate,not everyone is as tolerant
of y?ur alternative lifestyle as we are.
Being single is not an alternative lifestyle.
It is when y?u're 37.
Oh,out like a light.
Have y?u thought about using a surrogate?
I saw a thing about it on Dateline.
No,it's weird. It's for weirdoes.
I'm just gonna keep trying by myself.
Kate,building a family is not like opening one of y?ur stores.
It's not an executive decision. It's real life. It's messy.
These hormone injections make me want to punch y?u in the face right now.
No hitting.
- That's right. - y?u're right.
- There y?u go. - Come on.
Well,how much longer are y?u gonna put y?ur body through this?
Look,I know for years I said I didn't want one,
but I just woke up one day,
and I felt like every baby on the street was staring at me.
Katie's coming out of the mommy closet.
Hey,Tyler.
Tyler,what is this all over y?u?
Is that chocolate or poop?
It's chocolate.
What if that had been poop?
I told y?u,messy,but great.
Not bad.
Everybody do a shot of this pea soup.
Let's go with this. Call it "Health Monster."
That's great.
It's what I do.
y?u know,
I was swimming this morning with the dolphins in Costa Rica,
and I realized something.
I am a great man.
And great men do great things.
I want to open a flagship store right here in Philadelphia.
I want it to be the biggest store we ever built,
I want it to be made of 100% recyclable materials,
and I want it to be so beautiful that people want to get married in it.
Kate,join me up here.
I'm wearing a dress,Barry.
Won't y?u?
Sure.
Okay.
Kate,I want y?u to spearhead this as our new vice president.
This is me transferring my success to y?u.
Thank y?u,Barry.
Hold on.
Thanks.
- Congratulations. - Yeah.
- Thank y?u. - Congratulations,Kate.
Hello. I'm Chaffee Bicknell.
There's just one of y?u.
I thought Chaffee and Bicknell were two different people.
- Come in. - Certainly.
I started this business because I saw a growth market.
We don't do our own taxes anymore.
We don't program our computers.
We outsource.
And what is surrogacy if not outsourcing?
Wait. y?u're not saying my baby would be carried
by some poor,underpaid woman in the third world.
No.
We're also expensive.
Our fee is $100,000.
It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed.
It takes longer.
All of our surrogates undergo extensive background checks.
Criminal records,credit reports,medical histories
and psychological testing.
But why do these women do it? Is it just for the money?
y?u do y?ur job for the money,but I bet y?u love it and y?u're good at it.
Let me ask y?u a question.
Do y?u plan on hiring a nanny?
Of course. I have to go back to work.
How is this any different?
A nanny is someone y?u trust to take care of y?ur baby after it's born.
A surrogate mother is someone y?u trust to take care of y?ur baby before it's born.
Either way it's y?ur baby.
And here's my baby.
Hello,my sweetheart. Hello,little one.
Oh,yes. What a good girl. Yes.
Everyone deserves this.
That's why I wanna remove the stigma from surrogacy.
There's no wrong way to make a family.
And y?u're proof of that.
How do y?u mean?
Just that y?u have this beautiful baby using surrogacy.
Oh,no.
My husband and I conceived Sabrina the old-fashioned way.
But y?u're so... - Old?
y?u wouldn't think so if y?u saw my uterus.
But y?u know what really made this little angel possible?
A time machine?
A positive attitude.
y?u may not have my fertile body,
but with my help y?u can still be a mother.
Make the cracks break Shake it till they drop
Make the booty go wah,wah,wah
Make the cracks break Shake it till they drop
Make the booty go wah,wah,wah
Nice.
Yo,who y?u waiting on again?
Her name's Angie. Well,she might be my surrogate mother.
That's right. y?u got y?ur baby mama coming.
y?u know I got two baby mamas,right?
No,this is different. y?u had relationships with those women.
No,I had no relationships with those women.
I had relations with those women.
No. I'm paying her. This was set up by an agency.
There are contracts involved. It's strictly business.
y?u pay the bills,she have the baby. That's called a baby mama.
y?u ask any black man in Philadelphia.
Yo,what if that's y?ur baby mama?
I don't think that's her.
Here come y?ur baby mama
Riding a Suzuki
I wanna spend about 15 minutes here,
then I wanna get my picture taken punching the Rocky statue.
Yeah,well,y?u're gonna have to sketch it,
'cause I didn't bring a camera.
Okay,y?u did that on purpose,didn't y?u? Trying to sabotage my art.
- This might be them. - All right,I'm an artist.
- Oscar,this might be them. - I want it to look artistic.
y?u told me to tell y?u when y?u were sounding ignorant.
y?u're sounding ignorant.
- Angie? - What?
I'm Kate.
Hi.
Nice to meet y?u. This is Carl,my husband.
Common-law.
He always says that.
Well,please,come on in.
Thank y?u.
Listen,shut her down in drive and slam it into park
or it'll start smoking,okay?
And I'll be back with this.
So,how long have y?u two been together?
We met the summer after I discontinued high school.
And we've been together ever since.
He never officially asked me to be his wife,
but he never asked me to not be his wife either,
so things are going pretty good.
Wow. The place is amazing.
Let me...
Beautiful.
Kind of looks like Kate Hudson's New York apartment.
She read that somewhere. I don't think she's saying it right.
No,she's saying it right.
Out of all the places that we've interviewed at,
this is by far the nicest.
What does y?ur husband do?
Well,I don't have a husband.
Got this place all by y?urself? Must have a really fancy job.
Well,I am the vice president of development for Round Earth Foods.
So y?u take over if the president is shot?
Well...
- I like y?ur shirt. - Thanks.
It's a shirt-vest kind of... I don't know.
I just like making styles and stuff. It's something I like to do.
What,y?u don't get down with rap?
Boy,somewhere in there I have an old Salt-n-Pepa CD.
Hmm...
What do y?u do,Carl?
Carl is an inventor slash entrepreneur.
Yeah.
I'm still looking for that home run,y?u know.
I mean,when I saw the iPod the first time,I was like...
I mean,I could've kicked myself.
That was so hard on him.
Now we're pretty tight on cash.
So that led y?u to surrogacy?
Hey,I gotta say,
when I first thought about Angie carrying someone else's baby,
I felt weird about it.
Then I thought,"Oh,my God,
"if my wife's gotta have sex with someone else's husband to do this..."
- Out of the question. - "...that's gonna cost extra."
It's out of the question.
Wow. This is a nice view.
So,have y?u done this before?
No. But I know I'm good at getting pregnant.
That's not what I'm asking about.
y?u know,we all had our scares.
- No,not really. - Me neither.
Pardon my asking this,but how many couples,women,
how many people are y?u interviewing before y?u make y?ur decision?
I guess y?u're like our sixth or seventh.
And how's it going?
Good.
y?u know how in science they say that
everybody's aura gives off a different color?
I can read those auras.
I'm very sensitive to people's energies.
So,I meet new people and I get exhausted.
Oh,yeah.
What color is my aura?
Let me see.
Sunsetty. It's like a sunset.
- I'm really digging it. - Good.
- Congratulations. - Good,good.
Really good color.
Well,good.
Because I really hope that y?u like me,Angie,
because I'm asking y?u for a very big favor,y?u know.
y?u have a God-given ability that I just don't have.
I know I could be good at this.
I think y?u could,too.
And,y?u know,it's nice to feel...
- Needed? - Yeah. Needed.
Important,useful?
I like all those words.
Yeah,well,I can't do this without y?u. I've tried.
I need y?u,Angie.
I'm gonna make a decision.
I made my decision.
Decision made.
Kate,I want y?u to put y?ur baby inside me.
Angie,I'm gonna put my baby inside y?u.
This stuff is good. What's the street name for this?
So as y?u can see,
we've transferred three of Kate's fertilized eggs to y?ur womb,Angie.
Now with the hormones y?u've been taking,
the probability of success is about 60%.
y?u should continue taking the hormones and get as much rest as possible.
And in about two weeks,y?u can take a home pregnancy test.
I live right here.
Thanks for driving me all the way home.
Carl couldn't leave the house 'cause he's trying to win a radio contest.
Well,I would've offered to do it anyway.
Here,let me give y?u some money for gas.
No,no,please. It's my treat.
Really?
Of course. Angie,y?u don't understand.
I want to be there for y?u every step of the way.
I hope y?u don't mind. I bought y?u some groceries.
I thought y?u might want to start eating organic.
That crap is for rich people who hate themselves.
Sorry,this place is such a mess.
I haven't had time to clean up.
No,it has a nice old-timey smell.
Is that an alligator?
Hellboy? No,that's Carl's iguana.
Great. Well,I'm gonna put this fruit in y?ur refrigerator.
That's the song!
When they play Red Red Wine,y?u gotta be the 103.7th caller.
- What up,baby lady? - Hello.
Shut the door,Carl!
How am I gonna talk through a door?
How can y?u be the 103.7th caller?
Angie,I don't have time to explain arithmetic to y?u.
That don't make no sense.
I will see y?u in two weeks. Please try to get some...
Would y?u grab my smokes?
y?u know y?u're not supposed to smoke in front of me. I'm trying to quit.
- ...rest. Try to get some rest. - Yeah,that's y?ur situation,all right?
I'm in here trying to win us Arena Football tickets.
Close the door,Carl.
So,what we're looking for
is at least 15,000 square feet in the next cool neighborhood.
It can be open lots.
It can be buildings that we buy and tear down,
although no historic buildings.
We want to be perceived as enhancing the neighborhood,
not destroying its character.
Also,Barry would like to use mostly found and recycled materials.
So that's gonna affect us,zoning-wise.
I don't care what we spend,but we have to get it right.
Shannon! Dante! Anybody?
Sorry about that. Welcome to Super Fruity. What can I get y?u?
Does the Orange y?u Glad I Didn't Say Banana?
in fact contain banana?
Yeah. Yeah,but it's a good question.
I think the name's a little more clever than it is informative.
Well,I will try it.
Okay.
Hey,I'm looking for a new apartment.
What is y?ur read on this neighborhood?
The neighborhood's good. It's good. It's changing a lot.
A lot of condos going up.
The real estate people are trying to give it one of those
clever names,they call it WeBeSoCa,
which is Webster,south of Catherine,I guess.
How's business?
It's a little slow.
But kind of tough,y?u know,going up against the man.
The cops?
Jamba Juice.
Jamba Juice is the man?
Yeah.
Corporate juice pimps.
Thought y?u should know,and y?u'll feel free to tell y?ur friends.
Okay. I will tell them.
Okay,now. y?u have a super fruity day.
I want y?u to start finding out
what's available between the 1500 block and 1800 block of West Catherine Street.
Ron,I gotta call y?u back.
- Angie? - Hi,it's Angie.
I know. I know. So,any news?
Well,I peed on one of those stick thingies,and it said yes.
Angie,that is just the greatest news!
That's just unbelievably great.
Yeah,yeah.
Thank y?u so much,Angie.
If y?u need anything,anything at all,y?u let me know,okay?
Yeah,okay. I will.
I'm having a baby!
Hello.
What if the baby's a hermaphrodite?
What?
A chick with a dick.
I heard it happens to about 2% of babies.
Well,that's crazy.
That would mean that 10 people from our high school were hermaphrodites.
Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
No,that sounds about right,actually.
y?u can't solve problems by worrying about them.
Is that Alex? What does she want for her birthday?
Karaoke Revolution or a cell phone.
She's four.
Do y?u think it's too much if I ask Angie to call me every day?
She just seems so chaotic.
I don't know if she's eating right.
Is she getting enough exercise?
Is she moving around too much?
y?u're only six weeks in.
y?u can't put her in a cage and force-feed her.
I know. I know.
Expecting a baby?
Did I tell y?u? I found a location for the new store.
Yeah,I have to pitch it tomorrow.
It's gonna be a girl. That's what's making y?ur hair so dry.
Cash or credit?
Cash.
Oscar?
y?u got baby mama drama.
Hey,I left Carl.
I found out he was effing around on me,so we got into a huge fight.
Things got really physical.
Oh,my God. Are y?u okay?
Yeah. I didn't hit him too hard.
Hey,I brought y?u a picture of the baby.
y?u know,an ultrasound picture.
Oh,my gosh.
Looks like a squirrel.
A cute,cute squirrel.
Anyway,it's kind of early,so y?u can't really see anything,
but they took a picture of it just to make sure it's growing right.
They said all the parts are good.
Why didn't y?u tell me? I would've been there.
I didn't want to bother y?u.
Don't worry. This couch is more comfortable than it looks.
I also put a stack of clean towels for y?u in the bathroom.
Do y?u need a toothbrush?
Because I have some extras that I keep for houseguests.
Good night,squirrel.
What we have here is our Boo Boo Buster No-Slam Door,okay?
Watch how this works.
y?u can just slam it. It bounces right back.
So y?u can put y?ur fingers right on in there,and it wouldn't...
Not y?u,it'll only work for baby fingers.
- Okay. - Okay?
Also included in y?ur premium package,
we have child protection everywhere.
The doors,the door handles,y?u have the cabinets,
caps all over the outlets,cabinets,everything.
It's just baby-proof all over the place.
Shouldn't be a problem for anybody over the age of seven.
y?u sure have done a great job
getting an early jump on y?ur baby-proofing.
Well,y?u guys are the best in the city,
and I didn't want to risk being on a waiting list.
True. But y?u can't be no more than three,four months pregnant.
There's something wrong with y?ur toilet.
I'm sorry I broke one of y?ur rules.
y?u peed in the sink. Isn't that against everyone's rules?
Only a crazy person locks their toilet.
It's for the baby. It's safe.
Please don't touch anything else.
I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry.
45 minutes late. This isn't like y?u.
I'm sorry,Barry. I'm just a little out of whack today.
Want me to get Dr. Gary down here? Give y?u a shot of bee pollen?
No,thank y?u. I'm good. Let's do this.
Thank y?u for waiting,everyone.
This may look like a dilapidated warehouse...
# Lady Luck gets on my side #
# We're gonna rock this town alive #
# I'll let her rough me up #
Thanks,Oscar.
# She knocks me out #
# She walks like she talks and she talks like she walks #
# She bangs,she bangs #
- Hey. - What are y?u doing?
What is this mess?
# Oh,baby,she moves,she moves #
This game is awesome. Where did y?u get this?
That's supposed to be my niece's birthday present.
Sorry.
Angie,what kind of food is this for a pregnant woman?
Dr. Pepper,Pringles,Tastykakes?
Red Bull?
Angie,Red Bull?
y?u have to remember that y?u are carrying something very precious.
- Like a little puppy. - Yeah.
Yeah. Or a baby.
What y?u eat,the baby eats. What y?u listen to,the baby listens to.
If y?u listen to DMX,the baby comes out going...
Are those cigarettes?
What? No. Where?
Do y?u know how stupid it is to smoke at all
let alone when y?u are pregnant?
I'm not smoking. I swear,I'm not...
Why would y?u answer my phone?
- Hello. - Kate,we're moving forward.
I think that that is a great decision,Barry.
Yes,let's get those facts and figures,Barry,into the idea machine.
We should close in a couple of weeks.
I want y?u to put together a press conference.
How about we start with a little community outreach
and get the people in the neighborhood on our side,
and then let the press find us?
That's why I'm a genius for hiring people like y?u.
All right,y?u.
My job gives me access to the most nutritious,
chemical-free food in the world.
I don't want my kid born addicted to high-fructose corn syrup.
There is a thing called being too healthy. That's what killed Bruce Lee.
Really? Where did y?u read that? The Weekly World Dum-Dum?
All right. This is y?ur folic acid and this is y?ur pre-natal vitamin.
y?u're serious about this?
I don't want my baby to have a pinhead.
I can't do it.
I got it. It's going...
I can't swallow it.
What is this?
Water.
It's horrible!
- I need a... - No,I can't put it in y?ur butt.
Angie,cats can do this. Come on.
- It's in there. - Just try.
Just relax.
Close y?ur eyes,open y?ur mouth,
and do it! Swallow it.
Take it. There y?u go! y?u did it.
Hey,I'm just like a lot of y?u.
I grew up at 52nd and Walnut. I attended West Philly High.
I smoked a joint with Hall & Oates during the bicentennial,all of that.
But unlike a lot of y?u,
I have since traveled the world.
I've had papaya on the beach at Virgin Gorda.
I've toasted pine nuts at the mouth of an active volcano.
I sat down with Native Americans and had some amazing salmon.
And I'm here to share my experiences with y?u.
y?u know,I was talking to Jimmy Buffett this morning about trans fats...
Barry,the time.
Well,I'm sorry I can't stay longer,
but I have to swing by my son's graduation.
So I will turn y?u over
to our vice president of development,Ms. Kate Holbrook.
Good morning and thank y?u...
Will there be pedestrian access during construction?
How can y?u charge $4 for one mango?
What's y?ur carbon footprint?
Okay,how about we line up down front here at the microphone?
And I can take y?ur questions...
And I can take y?ur questions one at a time.
Hi.
Rob Ackerman,WeBeSoCa Small Business Owners' Association,
and I also own Super Fruity Smoothies.
It's like Jamba Juice.
No,it's not. It's not like Jamba Juice at all.
I think y?u've been to my store.
Yes,I have. I remember.
Did y?u ever find that apartment y?u were looking for?
Not yet. No.
Here's my question. Exactly what portion of y?ur profits
are gonna go towards rebuilding
and the revitalization of our community?
Yes!
Thank y?u for that question.
Those are free,by the way. y?u don't have to sneak them.
All of this stuff is our gift to y?u.
Hey,Kate.
Hi.
What a spread.
Thanks.
So,I had one last question for y?u.
Okay.
y?u never told me how y?u liked the smoothie.
Well,a little too much banana for me.
Wow.
y?u know,Mr. Ackerman...
No,no,no.
Mr. Ackerman's my dog. y?u gotta call me Rob.
Okay,Rob. I really don't want any tension
with the Small Business Owners' Association.
So I would be happy to sit down with y?u some time and...
y?u asking me out on a date?
No.
y?u sure? 'Cause y?u lied to me once already.
Yes,I'm sure.
See y?u around.
And then he asked me if I was asking him out,and I was like,"What?"
Is he cute?
Yes,but y?u're missing the point.
Hold on,Caroline.
Angie?
I'm starving!
Well,look in the refrigerator,
there's a big container of Monster Health Pea Soup.
This looks really weird and healthy. I don't like it.
It's good for y?u.
I'm not trying to be dramatic,
but I would rather be shot in the face than eat this stupid food.
Angie,just eat it,okay? Bye.
Caroline? She's crazy. It is like living with a child.
Well,y?u know,y?u will literally be
living with a child soon.
Maybe y?u need to just get used to it.
Alex! Alex!
Wait. I'm an adult. She's an adult. We will work this out.
y?u know,studies show that babies can learn a second language in the womb.
y?u know,y?u should play an English tape,so it can come out talking,
and it can be in commercials,and y?u'll make a lot of money.
Next. The elephant has big ears.
y?ur CD's skipping. I'm gonna watch TV instead.
- Oh,man. This show's awesome. - In this next clip is a dad playing baseball
with his son.
That kid's gonna hit his dad in the nuts.
Beautiful day! What could possibly go wrong?
Hey,have y?u seen this one before?
y?u have a kid with a Wiffleball bat and a dad with a crotch.
Proudest moment in any father-son relationship.
y?u know,it's not gonna be funny if y?u ruin the ending!
Here comes the pitch!
It is! It's still funny!
Oh,man.
Did y?u just stick y?ur gum under my coffee table?
- I don't know. - What do y?u mean,y?u don't know?
Do y?u think y?u're at an Arby's right now?
y?u know what? I wish I was at an Arby's.
'Cause there's better food and cooler people there.
Did y?u stick all this gum under here?
I don't know!
Maybe y?u stuck some of it under there.
Yeah,actually y?u might be right,
because sometimes when I work a really long day,
I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum
and stick it under my reclaimed BarnWood coffee table!
Bitch,I don't know y?ur life!
All right,ladies,there's no need to yell.
Well,the mystery remains as to who put the gum under there.
No,it doesn't.
Kate,y?u're used to being the boss,
and,Angie,being pregnant makes y?u feel vulnerable and sensitive.
I know my hormones are on a rollercoaster right now.
Are y?u saying...
That's right. I'm expecting again.
Expecting what,a social security check?
- It's weird,isn't it? - Yeah.
These conflicts are normal.
This is a highly unusual relationship,and that's what this support group is for.
Jonathan would like to share again.
I mean,I'm only saying because this reminded me
of something I was journaling,just the other day.
I feel really bad because Karen and I are fighting a lot,
because I think she's becoming morbidly obese.
And I keep reminding him that she is pregnant.
And then I realized that I am...
I'm... No. I am... Okay.
I'm anorexic,and it's really hard,because she's so fat.
And I... I love Christopher so much,
and he's fat,and I'm afraid the baby's gonna be fat.
And it's just me and two fatties.
I'm proud of y?u,Jonathan. Thank y?u for sharing that.
Yeah,that's a...
Thank y?u.
Anyone else?
- I can go. - Dave?
The wife and I are Methodists. Ashley here is a Wiccan.
It's kind of like a witch. They have stores,I think.
But,y?u know,at first,I was a little worried about a witch carrying my child,
but I came around to the idea,or she put a spell on me.
Did y?u do that,Ashley?
I'm sorry.
- I'd like to share something. - Please.
Okay,I don't know,like,all the therapy terms...
Well,I don't know the therapy terms,either. I don't go to therapy.
Yeah,but I'd just like to say that Kate is always up in my business.
Well,when someone falls asleep with a curling iron in their hair,
it becomes necessary to insert y?urself in their business.
That happened two times!
Angie,bottom line,y?u're carrying Kate's baby,
and y?u do wanna get paid,right?
Yeah.
That means that Kate does deserve some input.
But,Kate,y?u must remember that a surrogate is not y?ur employee,
but y?ur partner.
Yeah,Kate,we're partners,like Tom and Jerry.
Tom and Jerry hate each other.
What? They love each other! What show are y?u watching?
They're a cat and a mouse.
They have so much fun together!
Children in Japan can understand that.
y?u are dead wrong.
I want y?u two to spend more time together.
- That's impossible. We're always together. - I don't... Yeah.
Let Angie help y?u get ready for the baby.
Decorate the nursery together,pick out a crib.
Do all the things y?u would do if y?u were pregnant,
just do them with Angie.
Wake up,partner. It's time for birthing class.
Yay.
Welcome to The Birthing Center.
In this birthing class,
we are going to help y?u new mommies and daddies,
and our mommies and mommies,lesbian lovers...
- No. - No.
...prepare for that marathon of labor.
Quick question before we start.
How many of y?u are planning on doing natural childbirth?
That's a good show of hands. That's so great,y?u're all so great.
And how many of y?u are planning on using toxic Western medications
to drug y?ur baby for y?ur own selfish comfort? Anyone?
Now this,this is the Lexus of strollers.
Got an iPod adapter,leather trim. Check that out,feel that.
Back of y?ur hand,back of y?ur hand.
Now,what's the first word y?u think of when y?u think of stroller?
Baby.
Okay,what's the second word y?u think of?
- Infant. - No.
It's "top of the line safety features." Check this out.
I'll take it.
# I'm never gonna dance again #
# Guilty feet yihave got no rhythm #
# Though it's easy to pretend #
# I know y?u're not a fool #
What is the point of that game?
It gives y?u points depending on how good y?u sing.
I'm the highest scorer.
y?u're the only one that's ever played it.
What is that smell?
I'm dying my roots.
I was just trying to get some highlights.
So many chemicals!
y?u're a brunette,y?u don't understand!
y?u're a brunette!
I was blond when I was a kid!
I'm clean. I'm clean!
Hi.
I'm sorry,I think I may have overreacted back there.
y?u think?
It's just this whole thing is very important to me.
And frankly,it makes me a little bit crazy
that y?u get to feel it and experience it,
while I just watch.
And I might be a little bit jealous.
Jealous? How could y?u be jealous of me?
I'm sorry I called y?u stupid.
I'm sorry I farted into y?ur purse.
What?
I found this shell while running barefoot through the Toronto airport.
I want y?u to make our flagship store like this shell.
y?u want it to look like the shell?
y?u know,Rick,when y?u talk to me in that tone of voice,
I get incredibly angry.
I couldn't have been more specific...
y?u want it to have the essence of the shell.
Yes,that's it,exactly. Thank y?u,Kate. I'm sorry I flipped,Rick.
Give me the essence of this shell.
As y?ur pregnancy progresses,
y?ur partner can help y?u prep y?ur perineum
for the great stretch of delivery.
Massage the area daily with a little EVOO
to help y?u stretch and prevent tearing.
What is she talking about?
I think she wants me to rub olive oil on y?ur taint.
Is it cool if maybe I just spray a little PAM down in that area,
right before the baby comes out?
y?u have to admit it's a valid suggestion.
So,are y?u pissed that no one ever married y?u?
Well,I almost got married once to a guy named Scott.
We were together for six and a half years.
Damn,just shy of common-law.
Yeah,actually. He was the only guy I ever lived with.
So now he has three kids,beautiful kids,with another woman,
an old co-worker of mine,actually.
That sucks.
y?u know what? Don't worry about it,
cause y?u're super-successful,and y?u have sweet-ass legs.
Thank y?u,I think.
I had one good boyfriend before Carl.
Really?
Donny Landis.
We used to work at Blimpie together when we were 16,
and sit and eat pickles in the back.
He waited a whole month before he touched my boobs.
Then he went to the University of Scranton,
and I never heard from him again.
He was my Justin Timberlake.
Angie,y?u can still have a totally different life.
y?u're a very smart person.
Thanks.
I figured out how to beat y?u at this game,by the way.
Yeah,that's what it's about.
There's a lot of techniques that y?u can use.
# I come home in the morning light #
# My mother says When y?u gonna live y?ur life right? #
y?u gotta hold the note till the end.
# We're not the fortunate ones #
# And girls just want to have fun #
# Oh,girls just want to have fun #
Come on,get up here.
# Just wanna,they just wanna #
# They just wanna,they just wanna #
- # Girls! # - # Girls! #
# Girls just wanna have fun #
I think that was harmony.
That was harmony!
Look at her. She's got good jugs.
My avatar is dressed like a whore.
So,what do y?u wanna talk about,Carl?
I want y?u to come home. Baby,I miss y?u.
I haven't had sex in two weeks.
I've been gone a month.
Whatever.
Carl,after spending time with Kate,
I kind of feel like I can evaluate the direction my life is going,
and I feel like that direction does not include y?u. Carl!
y?u and y?ur best friend,Kate? I got bad news.
She's using y?u to have a baby.
y?u think y?u guys would be friends in real life?
She's a business lady. It's just business.
y?u don't even know her,Carl.
All right,y?u got no right to cut me out of this deal.
Who's the one who said y?u should go
into the baby-making business in the first place? Me.
When the pee-stick said no,who's the one who figured out how to keep things going?
Me.
- y?u should... - Here y?u go.
y?u shouldn't have forged that pregnancy test,Carl.
Maybe y?u should've actually gotten pregnant like y?u were supposed to.
y?u did a dumb thing,moving in with that lady. Real dumb.
We were supposed to forge the test,
send her the ultrasound picture in the mail,
and then cash the checks. One,two,three.
The ultrasound looked like a squirrel,by the way.
Cause it was a squirrel. That's all I could find on the Internet.
Look,Katie's gonna notice. y?u're not getting bigger.
When y?u go to the doctor's office,
and y?u take the test,she's gonna know.
Sweetie,y?u're not smart enough to pull this off.
Excuse me. These are mine,right?
How far along are y?u?
I'm pretty pregnant.
She's 14 weeks.
Me,too! y?u're so lucky. y?u're not showing at all.
Nice talking to y?u.
Angie?
I'm going to work. Feel better,okay?
I'm done. No. I'm not done!
Morning sickness.
Sounds like she's dying.
Just so pregnant.
Right there.
What?
- On y?ur hand. - Where?
- Right... Yup... See. Right. - Where?
Girl,that's vomit!
Do something about them vomit chunks,girl!
Okay. God!
I love it,Kate.
I wanna reward y?u with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.
Yay.
y?u can stay,Rick,if y?u... Okay.
In the last 24 hours,I got clearances on the titles and the permits,
tax-incentive grants from the city and the states,
and Barry on the plane to surf camp.
I'm at the top of my game.
That's great!
Let's do something. Let's celebrate!
I thought we could order food and watch this DVD that I got.
It's a British documentary about a woman
who gives birth to a 15-pound baby,vaginally.
Can't wait to not watch this. y?u and I need to go out.
- Let's go clubbing. - Clubbing?
y?u need to get out of y?ur comfort zone. Go meet some dudes.
Although,I do have a new ginger body splash that I've been dying to try.
- Wow! - Yes.
That's really frisky. Let's do it.
# Congratulations! #
y?u're wearing that?
Well,we are going to a nightclub.
Ain't no good gonna come of this.
This place is awesome.
I haven't been to a place like this since ever.
Okay. She'll have a double margarita,no ice,and two of those.
And I'll have a bottle of water.
- Hey,let's dance! - Okay!
Stop framing y?ur face.
Okay.
I think it's good!
It's not.
Here,drink this!
Oh,my God! That is strong.
Is it? Try this one.
That is stronger!
I know,I know. Do this shot.
Why am I doing this?
Are y?u having fun?
I am!
y?u know what I've always wanted to do?
This one is for the ladies!
All right! Good slow jam!
Old-school!
All right! All right! Hey! Hey!
Listen to it! It's a really beautiful song!
If I was alone,I mean,not pregnant,I would be macking on all of this.
There's nobody here I would ever go out with.
Are y?u serious?
What about that guy?
He looks like a laundry bag full of meat.
What about that guy over there? He's wearing a suit.
It's denim.
y?u're so picky!
Well,at least he's not a grade-A dork like that guy.
Oh,my God,Scott!
Who?
That's my ex-boyfriend,Scott,that I told y?u about. Why is he here?
y?u went out with him?
I did.
Why?
He's beautiful.
Where? Look at his mustache!
I know!
I'm gonna go say hi.
No,don't,it's a bad...
Kate,I'm gonna watch y?ur drink.
Hi,Scott.
Kate,my gosh,y?u look great! What are y?u doing here?
I'm just clubbing.
y?u remember my wife,Jean?
Oh,yeah.
Hi,Jean,how are y?u?
How's everything?
It's great. We just bought a house in Bucks County.
I'm still doing stuff for Doctors Without Borders.
Recently,we took in some Hurricane Katrina dogs.
And I was in a bicycle accident that made my penis bigger.
How are y?u?
I'm doing awesome.
I've just been working a lot,and I cannot have babies,it turns out.
So,good job picking this one.
What it is,actually,is my uterus is T-shaped,which is like...
So,but actually,funny story. See that...
Okay,see that little blonde woman,over here?
- I am paying her to have... - Hi. Stop talking now.
Bye,Jean.
Why does he make me so crazy?
Forget about him. He dumped y?u. He's an asshole.
No,he's a good person.
No,y?u're a good person.
y?u don't need another good person around y?u. That's y?ur thing.
He's trying to take that from y?u!
He wanted to marry me,and I wanted to focus on work.
Of course y?u did!
Because working is awesome and being married sucks!
That's his car.
- What,this right here? - Yes.
Silver Infiniti,Penn State sticker,
baseball mitt in the backseat...
This is Scott. y?u know what we should do?
Yeah!
I was gonna say leave a funny note!
Where are we?
WeBeSoCa.
What? y?u're so wasted.
Stop right here! This is good. Pull over right here.
Angie,I'm gonna go get a ginger carrot juice,
and y?u should go home and get some rest,
because y?u look very sleepy and tired.
Where are y?u going?
We're closed!
Yeah,well,it looks about the same as when y?u're open.
Don't tell me,y?ur people are gonna start bulldozing the neighborhood tonight.
Yeah,I'm... I'm really,really sorry
that I'm so good at my job.
What is this,a taste test?
No,actually,I wouldn't do that if I were y?u.
No,that... That's not...
- It's horrible. - Not very good.
It's a combination of papaya juice and coffee.
I keep this notepad by my bed in the middle of the night,
and I write down these ideas when I'm half asleep,
and they never make any sense.
I do that,too.
And then I wake up,and I have these little notes that say things like,
"make everybody be twins" and "electric toilet."
Those are not good ideas.
They're really not.
So why are y?u out so late? Are y?u a prostitute at night,or...
No.
I went out tonight for the first time in a long time,
and I let a friend of mine dress me.
Well,y?ur friend is a great American.
Sorry.
y?u know,I really like y?ur logo.
Yeah?
Yeah,I did it myself.
I really like it.
y?u don't think it looks like a penis?
- No,I don't see that. - No?
No,I don't see that.
Over here y?u got two obvious...
- I don't know what y?u're talking about. - ...stiff ones... No?
No,I don't know what y?u're talking about.
y?u're being nice. Thank y?u.
Also,I don't think y?u wanna pick a fight with Jamba Juice.
I mean,they're not exactly Wal-Mart.
Well,they are. They're the Exxon of frozen juice companies.
Yes,I think I saw a Michael Moore documentary about that.
That's embarrassing.
So is that offer to get together some time still on the table?
Are y?u asking me out?
Yes,I think I am.
Okay,yes,then,yes. Yeah.
Great.
This came off my head.
Some of that hair's real,right?
No. I'm bald. I'm...
These are real. So we got that going for us.
Hi,Carl.
What's up,hot stuff?
What are y?u doing here? I told y?u to stay away from me.
y?u think y?u're getting this payday without me?
No way. I want my half,okay?
And I've got insurance,the actual pee-stick.
I don't even know if that's real. y?u probably peed on it.
Maybe I did,maybe I didn't. But I'll tell y?u this.
It's gonna raise a lot of questions
when Kate takes this down to the lab,
and they start doing DNA tests with CSI stuff,
and molecules and proteins and the hair follicles,
and they're gonna connect the dots.
And then y?u're gonna be busted.
Carl,I don't wanna do any of this anymore.
I want a common-law divorce.
y?u wanna give me back the ring that I made for y?u in metal shop?
Yeah,I do.
Okay,y?u know what? I'll tell y?u when this relationship's over,
because there's a lot of girls there sitting on the bench
that wanna come into this game,all right?
So I am canceling this relationship,okay?
- Please come back to me,Angie. - Oh,my God!
Wait,wait! Hold on,hold on,please!
I wanna say goodbye to y?u proper,okay? We owe that to one another.
Can we please have a quickie in the car?
- What? - What's wrong with y?u?
y?u know what? I'm not gonna be here for y?u when Kate kicks y?u out.
So deal with that.
My girl rocks? My girl does not rock,okay?
My girl is a divorced.
So I hope y?u got Kleenex,
'cause y?u just said goodbye to the coolest thing that ever happened to y?u.
I'm gonna bang y?ur friends. Consider them all banged.
The reason I called y?u collect is 'cause it's gonna take more than a few quarters
to express how I feel about y?u,baby.
Hey,where y?u going?
I knew something was up when I saw y?u beating y?ur baby bump like that.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Everything just got way out of hand.
I think I'm just gonna split.
That's a good idea.
Just slip away in the dead of night
and leave Kate thinking y?u stole the baby.
That would destroy her.
This ain't some little scam where y?u just call up Domino's and be like,
"Yo. y?u know,I'm doing some church y?uth event. I need 10 free pizzas."
Why,does that work?
y?u're lying about the existence of a human being.
If y?u don't tell her,y?u'll never be able to live with y?urself.
Maybe y?u can tell her after I'm gone.
I'll tell y?u what I'm gonna do.
Not a damn thing,'cause y?u're gonna tell her y?urself.
I've got a surprise for y?u.
I got a surprise for y?u,too.
It is a brochure for the Philadelphia School of Textiles.
They've got a great fashion program.
Thanks.
But that's not the whole surprise. Open it.
I'm giving y?u y?ur check early.
No,Kate. I can't take that. y?u gotta put that through the agency.
No,it's not gonna bounce. Don't y?u trust me?
Where are we going?
y?u have an ultrasound appointment.
What? No. Today's Thursday.
Ultrasound isn't Thursday. Birthing class is Thursday.
Usually,but y?u're 18 weeks,and so y?u have another ultrasound.
I can't wait.
I hope the baby's in a good position,so we can see its little profile,
because I'd really like to get one of those printouts to hang over my desk.
Do y?u think it could look like me yet?
Could the baby look like y?u at 18 weeks?
What if it has little tiny glasses?
I'm joking. That's me trying to make a joke.
- That's cold. - Sorry about that.
Just...
lf... When y?u get mad,do y?u stay mad for a long time?
Yes,yes. I'm a big grudge-holder,actually.
- Hear that? - What?
That's y?ur heartbeat. y?u nervous?
Yeah,a little.
Okay,I'm just... Just having a little trouble finding...
y?u're gonna have a lot of trouble.
Kate,I gotta tell y?u something. I'm not really...
There's the baby's heartbeat.
- I'm not really... What? - Isn't it wonderful?
Holy shit!
- There's a baby in there? - Yep!
- How did it get in there? - It's a miracle.
What did y?u wanna tell me?
I'm so excited.
Yay!
What do y?u mean,pregnant? I thought y?u was lying to Kate.
I was. I am. It's not Kate's baby. It's Carl's.
So the procedure thing...
Didn't take.
And then I was crying,so Carl and I did it.
And it's just country.
I missed a couple periods,
and I thought maybe it was my hormones,y?u know what I'm talking about?
No,I don't know nothing about that.
But then I started spotting,and I thought that was my period,
but usually I don't have a heavy flow.
Stop it.
My boobs didn't hurt,so I was like,"It's not my period..."
y?u know what? Look,I'm just gonna lay it out,all right?
I'm not discussing the lady business with y?u.
I mean,I think it's a beautiful thing and all that,
but it's disgusting,okay?
And I'm afraid if we keep talking about it,
that our cycles might synchronize...
What am I supposed to do,Oscar?
I can't cash that check. I can't take any of Kate's money.
But I am gonna stay here until I figure out what to do.
I don't know anything about being a mother.
y?u better start learning.
It's good if the kid's raised here,though,y?u know?
Better school,better apartment,better situation.
Is that what y?u want?
No,I wanna keep it.
Have y?u read this?
"One in four million babies are born with a full set of teeth."
Angie,it's gonna be fine.
Where y?u going?
I have a date with that guy,Rob.
Are y?u gonna tell him about me?
No. I've made that mistake before.
It turns out they don't like it
when y?u talk about the successful transfer of embryos on the first date.
Read the chapter about hermaphrodites. y?u won't sleep for a week.
Hello,folks,my name is Chet. I'm y?ur waiter.
Are y?u folks familiar with the raw food vegan movement?
- Yeah. - I think he is,more than I am.
Yeah,yeah.
Okay,should we start with some appetizers?
Yeah. How's the sea kelp pizza?
That's got a nice earthy taste,little bit of a dirt taste.
It's very nice.
Salty. We'll stay away from that.
y?u know what looks good is the blue algae?
- y?u wanna just... - Yes,yes.
Excellent. Be right back.
So what kind of law did y?u practice?
Corporate. y?u know when y?u're watching the news,
and y?u see some bloated CEO involved in a scandal,
and y?u kind of wonder to y?urself,
"How is this prick not going straight to jail?"
Sometimes it was because of me.
y?u must be very proud.
All right,here's y?ur blue-green algae
and a yeast bowl for the table.
- Thank y?u. - Thanks.
This looks good.
- Oh,it's warm. - Yeah.
What about y?u? y?u like y?ur work?
I do,but I mean,
I have other things in my life besides my job.
I like to travel for work.
Oh,that's a...
That's a good yeast.
Very yeasty.
How long have y?u been vegan?
I'm not.
I'm sorry. I'm not,I thought that y?u were,
and that's why I took y?u here.
Because of where y?u work,I never would have... Oh,God.
- Can we... Yeah,y?u want to... - I eat meat.
Yeah,I eat meat like nobody's business.
I'll have a large steak with provolone,no Cheez Whiz,no onions,
peppers on the side,don't overcook the meat.
Also,I'd like y?u to slice me a new fresh roll,
because those ones have been sitting out for a long time.
I want a Birch Beer,cold,no cup.
y?u really should consider changing those Styrofoam cups to paper ones,
because they're very bad for the environment.
Yeah,I'll have the same.
I'm sorry. I'm a little overly thorough.
Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling.
No,that's just prejudice.
They call y?u bossy and controlling 'cause y?u're a woman.
But if y?u were a man doing the same stuff,y?u'd just be a dick.
What?
Nothing.
No one's ever called me a dick before on a date.
Term of endearment.
So listen,there's something that I haven't told y?u.
And it may be a deal-breaker.
Oh,boy,y?u are super fruity,aren't y?u?
No.
But I do have a daughter.
She's 12 years old and she lives with me every other weekend.
I think that's great.
Yeah?
Okay. y?u have any kids?
I've never been married.
Well,Kate,
y?u don't have to be married to have a kid.
Do y?u want to go back to my...
Yes.
I was going to say apartment,just to be clear.
Yeah. I'm 37. I know how this works.
- Okay. - Let's go.
It's actually this way.
Okay.
- 1406. - Yeah.
Oh,no. No,no,no.
Look who just got inducted into the walk of shame.
Why are y?u all shiny like a soul food cook?
I want y?u,now,
to look y?ur partner in the eye,and I want y?u to tell her
she is beautiful.
y?u are beautiful.
Tell her,"y?u are strong."
y?u are strong.
Tell her,"Thank y?u for giving me this baby."
Thank y?u for giving me this baby.
- Are y?u crying? - No.
I am. I'm crying a little bit.
All right.
Romaine,Cheyenne,time to go.
We have a playdate with Wingspan and Banjo.
Those kids would have got their asses handed to them in my neighborhood.
My sister wants to know what kind of cake y?u want for the shower.
Kate,I don't think I should go to that,y?u know?
I mean,that's just kind of for y?u.
No,it's for both of us.
My mother wants to meet y?u and make y?u feel weird.
Excuse me.
Yes. Barry,hi.
No,I'm pulling into the construction site right now.
Think I went to a rave here once.
Please,I asked y?u to wait in the car.
It's too hot in there,
and y?ur weirdo air conditioning,I don't know how to work it.
- Barry,I'm sorry. - Kate,where y?u been?
I'm having second thoughts about this location.
Is it the taxes?
It's probably because this place gives y?u a weird vibe,right?
Yes. That one.
I'm not getting good vibes here.
And if there's one thing Oprah taught me,
it's to trust my instincts and follow my fear.
Is that the episode where she got her ears pierced?
No,this was at her home in Maui. Who are y?u?
I'm Angie.
She works for me.
She's very intuitive.
I read people's energies.
- y?u read energies? - Yeah.
Good. Very good.
How's the energy in this site?
Green,mostly.
Like healthy leaves.
Money?
Exactly.
I like y?ur maid.
So do I.
Let me put my hands into y?ur hands,
and I'll whisper to y?u the secret of success.
So,are we back on?
We were never off.
What did he say?
The secret of success.
And?
He said "Have a big penis."
- No,he didn't. - Yeah,he did.
Oh,my God!
Oh,my God. Look! Wait.
- Is that the face? - I think.
That was a big one!
Oh,my God. What does it feel like?
Like if y?u ate a meatball sandwich,
then that meatball sandwich was kicking y?u.
I think I gotta tell Rob about y?u and the baby.
What? Why?
Well,we've been going out for a month,
and I didn't think it would turn into anything,
but it sort of is.
I don't think that's a good idea.
y?u know,he may break up with y?u.
Yeah,but the longer I wait,the weirder it's gonna be.
It's gonna be weird no matter what.
He'll know I'm hiding something. I'm the worst liar.
Okay,tell me three things about y?urself and make one of them a lie.
Okay.
I'm from Pennsylvania,
I am a Leo,and I am 5'9".
I don't want to... This is why I can't lie to him.
y?u're not lying to him,
y?u're just not telling him the truth,there's a big difference.
Is there?
I don't know. Don't ask me.
# Don't speak I can't even take it. #
# And I don't need no reason. #
Hi.
I'm Rob. I'm here to pick up Kate.
Oh!
Sorry,I'm a little early. I was just in the neighborhood,so...
Do come in.
Hello,I'm Angela.
Okay.
I'm Kate's sister,so...
We are in the same family.
And I was just practicing the ancient Japanese art of karaoke.
- Karaoke? - Yes.
y?u delightful... Hello. Oh,well.
I can see how she likes y?u so much. Kate?
- y?u live here? - No,
no.
I live in New York City in a pied-terre apartment
with a husband that I have.
Wow,so y?u're just kind of visiting here,or...
He's in the stock market.
So we go from city to city,visiting other stock markets.
And that's how we roll.
It's funny,'cause y?u guys don't look alike at all.
Oh,well.
- Different dads? - Yes.
We have different dads. That's what we have.
We have different dads. Thank y?u for that.
Is that my phone?
I didn't actually hear...
It was. Hold on,it's from Europe. Hello?
Yes,interesting. It's a business call. So nice to meet y?u.
- What? - Yes.
What? How long did he talk to y?u?
Hi. Look at y?u,early bird.
Okay,it's nice to see y?u.
Oh,my gosh,well,let's go.
Yeah.
Does y?ur sister want to come with us?
No,she's not well.
- Bye,Angela. - Adios.
Push,woman.
Yeah,good. Push,and boom! Congratulations. Look.
Popcorn.
See?
It's that easy. What movie we watching?
Extreme Vaginal Delivery.
The miracle of really big childbirth.
Oh,damn!
y?u can't come back from that.
That's why y?u always want to stay over here,huh?
- It's one of the reasons. - Well,
how long is y?ur sister in town?
Angie's not really my sister.
I know. She's y?ur half-sister. She told me.
What else did Angela tell y?u?
Well,
she told me that y?u like me a lot.
Well,she's a liar. She's a known liar.
What is this?
Jillian wants me to take her to an exhibit of abnormal skulls at the Minster Museum.
Do y?u need me to get out of here?
No,no. No,I was gonna see if y?u wanted to come.
y?u want me to meet y?ur daughter?
Is that a bad idea?
No. I really,really like kids.
- Oh,my God. - Oh,I know.
Have y?u read this article?
This Chaffee Backnell lady.
- Bicknell. - She is a piece of work.
I mean,her whole surrogacy process is very science-fictiony.
There's so many kids that need to be adopted.
Well,adoption can take years.
And these people would pay,like,y?u know,$50,000,in order to...
It's $100,000,actually.
y?u know,have y?ur baby custom-carried by a gestation assistant.
What is that?
Well,I think it's probably more complicated than it seems.
A lot of rich people getting what they want.
I hate that song.
Here y?u go. y?u got it? - Yeah,I'm good.
So,do y?u feel good about y?urself?
y?u're just going to let Kate go ahead and have this whole baby shower,right?
y?u don't realize how ruthless that is,right?
Hey,man,that's a sweet cake. That's tight. That's tight.
Service entrance,straight to the terrace.
What am I supposed to do?
Tell her today,in front of all of her friends and her family?
No,no,no. Wait till the child is,like,nine years old,
and then tell her,like my first ex did me.
Okay,I'm going to tell her tonight.
Or Monday.
But then it'll ruin her week,so maybe I should wait till Friday.
Then it would ruin her weekend,so maybe I should...
I don't know when I'm gonna tell her.
When's the best day to tell someone horrible news?
Yesterday.
I tell y?u,a pagan birth is a fascinating thing.
y?u know,now that I've done it myself,
it seems crazy not to eat the placenta.
I'm sorry,did y?u say polenta or placenta?
Placenta,the afterbirth,yeah.
Ashley turned us onto it...
Angie.
Hi,I'm Caroline,
- Kate's sister. Nice to meet y?u. - Hi,nice to meet y?u.
And this is our mother,Rose.
Hi,nice to meet y?u.
How do y?u do?
So,tell me,once the baby is born,
will y?u just go away,or shall I expect y?u at Christmas?
Mom.
What?
This is a reasonable question. All my friends are asking.
Well,we haven't really talked about it.
No,there's not a lot of stuff we've talked about,
we have a lot of stuff to talk about.
I think Angie might want to visit the baby a few times a year.
y?u know,or I might be out of town,I don't know where I'm going.
I mean,I think I've got plans,but I'll definitely call.
Summer,if we're on vacation,maybe Angie would want to come with us some time.
And who knows where we're going to be in a year?
I think it's really important that she remain a part of the baby's life.
Yeah,y?u know,or completely separate.
We're just going to play it fast and loose,
y?u know,just see how it all shakes out.
Always been my motto.
- Rob? Hi. - Hi.
Hey,I know it's y?ur sister's baby shower,
just,y?u haven't called me in days. I thought maybe I did something wrong.
No,y?u didn't do anything.
Is it because I wanted to introduce y?u to my kid?
No,Rob,I just...
I think y?u and I view the world differently.
Bad news people,party's over.
- Start heading for the door. - Who let him in here?
Carl,don't say something stupid.
Oh,She hasn't told y?u.
I thought since y?u guys were best friends,
she probably told y?u everything.
- Shut y?ur mouth,Carl. - What is going on?
She's not even pregnant,okay?
I mean,look.
Angie what is that?
Feel it.
- It's moving. - Yeah,it's a baby.
And it's y?urs.
What are y?u saying?
Kate,
I really tried to make y?u a baby,I swear.
What are y?u saying?
We took a test
as soon as we got home,and the procedure didn't work.
And I was real,y?u know,horny,because of all the hormones.
So we did it.
I felt like a failure.
And Carl told me y?u were going to get somebody else.
Those hormones can also give y?u a false negative.
That's why they want y?u to wait two weeks before y?u take a test.
- Wait,what? - So she might not be pregnant?
Yo,where y?u escape from,man?
I'm saying the baby might be Carl's,but it might still be mine.
Okay,then forget what I said.
I'm trying to play catch-up here.
So y?u get y?ur sister pregnant,
- but she slept with him? - No,she's not my sister.
She's an ignorant white trash woman that I paid to carry my kid.
I deserve that.
No,y?u don't.
How could y?u do that?
This is why I didn't call y?u back,Rob,
because this is the kind of selfish,science fiction shit
that y?u don't want any part of.
Well,the upside is,it looks like I might be a dad.
So if it's a boy,I want to marry y?u.
Oh,my God.
What?
I'm so sorry about what's happened.
But I think it's best to wait until the pregnancy is far enough along
for DNA testing,before we do anything drastic.
That was quite a kick.
How can y?u be pregnant?
y?ur eggs are from the '40s.
y?u're upset.
And y?u're saying hurtful things. It's understandable.
We'll have a DNA sample sent to the lab.
The rest will be handled in family court.
Of course,if the baby turns out not to be y?urs,we'll waive our fees.
What about all the background checks?
Passed. With flying colors.
y?u were living with her,and y?u didn't notice anything.
She fooled us,Kate.
She fooled us all.
I fooled myself.
I booked y?u a room here,until we sort this out.
So y?u're done with me,now,is that it? y?u don't need me anymore?
Gonna try to find some other lowlife y?u can use
to give y?u everything y?u ever wanted?
I'm not gonna do this.
y?u know,y?u think y?u're better than me...
I am certain that I am better than y?u.
Okay,we're being honest now?
Here's one. I can have a baby,and y?u can't.
And that drives y?u crazy.
Get out of my car.
y?ur stupid space car's locked me in.
Don't touch it when I'm touching it.
Just open it!
Yeah,y?u bang on the door,that's how y?u open it.
Well,y?u can't even find the stupid...
Raised by wolves!
Tell me how to open it!
Stop touching it,and I will open it.
It is open now.
Good.
Look,buddy,y?u don't have to sell me on the product,I'm already in.
Here's what I'm asking.
Do y?u have a discount policy if y?u're related to one of the girls that's gone wild?
Enjoy it,Kate. This is y?ur baby.
I'm going to go hide this shell somewhere in the store.
Hey.
Can I get an Orange y?u Glad I Didn't Say Banana?
All right. Holbrook v. Ostrowiski.
Present.
I take it this is a paternity case.
Actually,it's a maternity case,y?ur Honor.
Katherine Holbrook hired this woman to be her surrogate,
now we're not sure whose egg this is in here.
What are y?u doing here?
Angie needed some legal help,so I'm helping.
-And y?u are? -I'm Rob Ackerman,
formerly with the firm Swanson and Weisberg.
-Formerly? - Yeah,now he makes
fruit smoothies.
y?u mean like Jamba Juice?
Yes,y?ur Honor,it's exactly like Jamba Juice.
'Cause I love Jamba Juice.
Yeah. Who doesn't?
y?u don't need a lawyer,
y?u know,we're just here to read some results.
But I know that I have the right to a lawyer.
Objection.
And y?u are?
Carl Loomis,y?ur Highness.
I'm here to seek joint custody of that fetus.
y?ur Honor,this dummy used to be my husband.
Did y?u provide a DNA sample,Mr. Loomis?
Uh-huh.
What's that now?
Did y?u give someone a hair follicle or a vial of y?ur blood?
No. Not as it pertains to this case.
All right,then y?u're going to have to take a seat.
And if y?u disrupt the proceedings again,
I'll ask the bailiff to escort y?u out.
Not scared of her.
May I have the lab results,please?
Okay,I would like to testify on behalf of the prosecution.
There is no prosecution.
Aye,aye,sir.
If y?u insist,
y?u can make a statement and have it entered on the record.
- No,no,that's not necessary. - No,I insist.
I would like to say something.
I'm sorry.
I never should have listened to Carl.
I should have done the right thing. I just...
This whole thing made y?u feel so happy.
And it made me feel so important.
I should have told y?u the truth. And I'm sorry I didn't.
I was just scared.
I also want to thank y?u.
I didn't like it sometimes,but y?u made me grow up.
I know I was supposed to help y?u have a baby.
But y?u ended up teaching me how to be a mother.
So thank y?u. And I'm sorry.
She'd be a great mom,y?ur Honor.
Kid wouldn't get away with shit.
Let's watch the language,please.
Freedom of speech,look it up,it's in the thing...
What Ms. Ostrowiski is trying to say,y?ur Honor,
is that what she did was wrong.
It was extremely wrong.
Cool it,y?u're my lawyer.
And one of these lies,that's so easy to spin out of control.
This guy,Carl Loomis,he lied to Angie.
And then Angie lied to Kate,and Kate lied to me,
and it was a mistake. I mean,it was a...
It's a mess,this is all a... It's a mess. This is a real mess.
That's the worst closing argument I've ever heard.
Yeah,I know. I know. I'm a little rusty.
Kate. I just never wanted to come back into a courtroom ever again.
And I came here for y?u.
Thank y?u.
I rest my case.
y?u Honor,I think we are more than ready for y?u to read the results.
Let the record show that the DNA test indicates that Ms. Holbrook
is not the mother of this child.
Okay to get home?
Of course. Yeah.
I remember the day I found out I was going to have a kid.
Wow. I'll never take it for granted again.
Well,I'd still like to meet that kid some time.
I'll give y?u a call. y?u come by the store.
Okay,I'll definitely come by.
Okay.
I'm sorry,Kate.
It's okay.
I just threw up.
y?u look nice in a suit,by the way.
Angie.
Hey.
So,I guess I'll see y?u later?
Probably not,actually.
Right.
I've been off Dr.Pepper for two weeks.
This is water.
Good for y?u.
Thanks.
Angie,I think y?ur water broke.
Wait,what?
y?ur water is breaking.
I got to get a bus to take me to the hospital.
Let me drive y?u,I'll drive y?u.
Okay,hold this.
- I'm not due for three weeks. - I know.
Should we clean that up?
No,somebody else will get that.
This is really happening,isn't it?
This is really happening.
It's so weird,'cause I feel totally calm.
- Come on,it feels like I'm shitting a knife. - Okay.
Why won't y?u bitches help me?
Just breathe.
Okay,I'll take it from here.
I want to go with her.
Are y?u family?
She's my sister.
Well,okay.
Oh,God,holy...
This way. Sorry,sorry.
- Give me some drugs. Give me this. - y?u don't need drugs.
- I want those drugs. - No.
y?u'll never get me,pig!
Get out of my way!
Oh,God!
Angie!
Is that guy dead? Is he dead?
We need some olive oil to rub on my taint.
It's too late. It's too late.
Okay,this is gonna go great.
Yeah.
Kate.
It's twins.
Gross.
I don't know what y?u're crying about.
I gotta walk out of here alone.
That's a good joke,Dr. Manheim.
Okay.
Okay,and give me a big one.
Big one! Whoa!
Nothing. Okay. All right,ready?
Kate,I'm so glad y?u're here.
y?u don't look good,by the way.
I feel a little dizzy.
- Okay. - Okay,and give me a big one.
Big one. Whoa.
Good morning.
- Hi. - How are y?u feeling?
Embarrassed. I fainted in the delivery room.
Well,Oscar's bringing y?u a change of clothes,
and Mom is here,in case y?u die.
Great.
And somebody else wants to say hi. Hey.
It's embarrassing.
I'm scared y?ur friend,Angie,has me on speed dial.
She called me,like,10 times to get down here and take care of y?u.
- Me,too. - How is she?
How is the baby?
Great,she's just... She's beautiful.
It's a girl.
Got a smile...
- Good morning. - Hello.
Hi.
Hi,there. Hi.
Could I have a moment alone with Kate,please?
Sure. I'm going to go check on Mom.
Hi. How can I help y?u?
Hi. Well,we got y?ur blood work back.
y?u are slightly anemic,which explains the fainting.
But there's something else y?u need to know.
y?u're pregnant.
That's impossible.
I paid a man thousands of dollars to tell me that that's impossible.
Well,y?u're only about eight weeks along,but y?u are definitely pregnant.
He said the chances were one in a million.
Well,I'd start buying lottery tickets,if I were y?u.
Wait a minute.
Congrats.
Rob.
- I'm pregnant. - What?
I'm pregnant.
y?u okay?
Oh,my God.
Hi. Can I see her?
She's gorgeous. What's her name?
This is Stef.
Stephanie,that's beautiful.
No,Stefani. Like Gwen Stefani.
Even better. Hello.
Are y?u waking up?
So,y?u're pregnant.
How'd y?u know that?
I can read people's energies.
Plus,y?ur sister told me.
"Happy birthday to y?u
Happy birthday,dear Stefani
Happy birthday to y?u"
"Hope You've Liked & Enjoyed The Movie"
<font color=Copyright from SI Media
Hey,Angie.
Are y?u two still together?
No,we're not together.
He's just trying to be a better father,take some parenting classes.
He just started.
I see y?u.
y?u think y?u're funny,punk? What'd I tell y?u about hiding from me?
Quit hiding from me. y?u think y?u're funny?
Hello.
This is a gasoline-powered mini-Ninja motorcycle.
Oh,my God,Carl.
y?u bought a motorcycle for a one-year-old?
- That is crazy. - Really crazy.
That's exactly what she wanted! Yay!
That's great.
Kate,let me give y?ur baby my mojo.
Well,time is love. Got to run.
Whoa!
I love this episode.