Ready? Okay.
Wishing and hoping
And thinking and praying
Planning and dreaming
Each night of his charms
That won't get you into his arms
So if you're looking to find love
That you can share
All you've got to do
Is hold him and kiss him
And love him and show him that you care
Show him that you care just for him
Do the things that he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him
'Cause you won't get him
Thinking and praying Wishing and hoping
Just wishing and hoping
And thinking and praying
Planning and dreaming his kisses will start
That won't get you into his heart
So if you're thinking of how great
True love is
And squeeze him and love him
Just do it and after you do
You will be his
Two and two, menu! Brian, 22, immediately!
Guillermo!
Two pigeons! Right away!
"V.I.P." Very important table right here!
Give me two grain!
- I'll take that polenta! - All right, Chef.
- This is the one I'm waiting for! - Yes, sir.
I need that special meat now. Pastry, get ready. It's coming at you.
I will kill your family it you don't get this right. I need this perfect.
Yes, sir.
I'm writing it up as...
inventive and...
confident.
- Did the chap from Newsday ever call? - I'll check my machine.
Is this a real interview or some cute guy...
- you're setting me up with? - Please, Julianne.
I don't send you men anymore. You have no idea what to do with them.
It's Michael. Jules, it must be months, huh?
I can't wait to talk to you. I'm in Chicago at the Drake Hotel.
Call me. 4:00 in the morning, whatever. We gotta talk. Bye.
- Who called? Man of the moment? - No, the opposite.
It's my Michael. Michael O'Neal. Sounds desperate to talk to me
The wandering sportswriter. Remind me about that one.
Sophomore year at Brown...
we had this one hot month.
But you know me. I got restless.
So I get up the nerve to break his heart...
and he gives me this look.
Then he said, "The thing that makes me want to cry is...
I'm losing the best friend I ever had."
At that moment, I knew I tell the same way.
So I cried for maybe the third time in my entire life...
kissed him...
and we've been best friends ever since.
We've seen each other through everything:
losing jobs...
losing parents, losing lovers.
We've traveled all over.
The best times of my life, maybe.
Drinking and talking, even if it's just over the phone.
Go on. This is so moving.
He's nothing like me. He's like you actually, only straight.
I remember this one night in Tucson six years ago.
He takes a razor out of this little shaving kit...
cuts his finger, takes my hand, does the same to me.
- I'm gonna be sick. - He says, "Swear when we're 28...
if we've never married, we marry each other."
We never talked about it again.
I don't know what made me think of that.
You're about to be 28 in three weeks, right?
- How old is he? - You think?
Desperate to talk.
Cheers.
"DIGITAL ANSWERING SYSTEM" "PLAY"
"Red"
- Good evening. The Drake Hotel. - I'm calling for Michael O'Neal...
- but since it's so late-- - One moment, please.
Hello?
You've been enrolled in the Obscene caller of the Month Club.
Hey, beautiful. It's so great to hear your voice.
I miss you. I've been calling you for over a month.
I've been on a book tour.
- I figured you were out of town. - My machine eats all my messages.
Or you're just averaging 30 days to return a call.
- It's less when it's you. - I have to ask you something important.
If you turn me down, I don't know what I'll do.
It I could just tell you one thing first.
This is probably going to hand you...
the biggest laugh of your adult life...
but I was thinking about you, and I was remembering...
this unbelievably insane night we spent in Tucson...
like a thousand years ago.
- You probably won't remember this-- - Are you kidding?
I think about that night all the time.
You do?
But it's not why I called.
It's not.
I called because I met someone.
That's great.
You haven't really seen anybody since that dingbat Jenny Lee, have you?
You don't understand.
I've never felt this way about anybody.
- She's all wrong for me. - That's a good start.
She's a junior at the University of Chicago.
She's 20. Her name's Kim. You're gonna love her. She's beautiful.
Her dad is this billionaire. He owns the White Sox and some cable empire.
I've always been uncomfortable around rich people.
- Sure. - But they're not like that.
They're such wonderful people. Salt of the earth.
So you've met her parents?
Jules, we're getting married this Sunday.
- Hello? - Michael--
It's Wednesday night.
How can you possibly be getting married on Sunday?
Actually, it starts tomorrow.
It's a four-day wedding with all the traditional events...
and 10 million people flying in from all over the world.
Aren't you working this weekend? Is that responsible?
The Sox are at home and Sports is letting me do a profile on Frank Thomas.
Wait. What do you mean, irresponsible?
Taking off a weekend to get married?
Jules, I'm scared.
- Maybe we should talk about this. - I need you.
If you can't come and hold my hand, I'll never get through this.
Please come.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
"UNITED AIRLINES" Listen, Jules.
Let's stop for a drink. You can take a later flight.
I'm a busy girl. I've got four days to break up a wedding...
steal the bride's fellow, and I haven't one clue how to do it.
He adored me for nine goddamn years.
- I can see why. - She has known him for five seconds.
Plus, she's got billions of dollars, and she's apparently perfect.
So don't go feeling all sorry for Miss Preteen Illinois.
I can't lose him, George. I'm going to bring him back.
You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me
No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
Wants to kiss your lips
Wants to hold you tight
I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
- Can you believe I'm gonna do this? - Not hardly.
This just makes everything so perfect.
Since I've met Michael, all I've heard is "Julianne this" and "Julianne that."
I've never had a sister.
I have this monstrous favor to ask you.
- Excuse me? - My best friend...
shattered her pelvis line dancing in Abilene over spring break.
- Be my maid of honor? - What?
Shouldn't you promote a bridesmaid or someone you've known longer?
My bridesmaids are my only two female relatives under the age of 40...
debutante sisters from Nashville who are basically vengeful sluts.
My exit!
I have tour days to make you my new best friend.
It's time for you to force yourself to get personal.
- Do you like the color? - I think it's beautiful.
- Isn't that perfect for her? - Absolutely.
This is going to be tighter. You don't want those things to fall out.
- It's beautiful. - I'm not hurting you.
I don't want her to trip, so I'll take this up a tiny bit.
Would you rather the daffodil?
I thought the bridesmaids all wore the same dress.
Not you. You wouldn't be comfortable unless you were distinctive.
What else did he tell you?
You hate weddings. You never go.
You're not up for anything conventional...
or anything that's assumed to be a female priority...
including marriage or romance or even--
Love?
Michael and I were a wrong tip right from the start.
He said that too.
I thought I was like you, and proud to be...
until I met rumpled, smelly, old Michael.
Then I found I was just a sentimental schmuck...
like all those flighty nitwits I'd always pitied.
It's funny, huh?
I need a cigarette.
George, how do you think I feel?
All she does is talk about her and Michael's future.
- She's just so dreamy. - Jules, pull yourself together.
I don't know if I can do it.
You want me to turn around or something?
Not the person I was expecting.
I've seen you a lot more naked than that.
Things are different now.
I guess so.
You look really good...
without your clothes on.
She's toast.
"CAUTION 2-WAY TRAFFIC" "EXIT"
- Where is the honeymoon exactly? - It depends.
If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento, we could start there. "CHICAGO HILTON AND TOWERS"
Or Phoenix. Or depending on the Indiana-Cleveland game--
Garden spots, all.
A swing of maybe 40 degrees Fahrenheit represents a packing challenge...
but there's tine food and cocktails at a choice of Embassy Suites.
It's his career. I'm supportive. I've been everywhere.
I want to be with the man I love. That's what makes it a honeymoon.
He's lucky. One woman in a billion could put up with his shit.
The guy's a one-man festival of idiosyncratic--
You've been introduced to the symphonic range--
Of his snoring? He says it's worse than ever.
You know that snarfle one?
Now it's got this phlegm-rattling thing happening behind it.
Earplugs work.
- What about-- - Cigars in bed? I broke him of that.
The bathroom's a swamp. He wears Reeboks to dinner.
He likes action movies. He reads over my Shoulder.
He loves karaoke bars...
- and I can't carry a tune. - Really?
He sucks soup through his front teeth.
That's a trademark move. Don't touch that one.
But he sure can kiss.
It's been a while. I'm just gonna take your word on that.
After two weeks of cataloging all his faults...
I made a command decision that changed my life.
I threw the list away.
He's not a balance sheet. He's Michael.
Loving him means loving all of him.
Do you get nervous in confined spaces?
It's sweet of you to want to be protective...
but nothing ever could give me one moment's pause about this marriage.
- Do you become hysterical in confined-- - Except one.
You. You're always in his mind...
this perfect creature he loved for years.
Perfection can get wearing after awhile.
I'm not kidding. I had to face up to my competitive drives.
Believe me, I've got them.
Am I gonna be jealous of you for the rest of my life?
- Our paths will keep crossing. - Space. of course.
- He'll always talk about you. - It's only natural.
The answer was so simple.
I was gonna predict that.
You win.
I've missed a step.
He's got you on a pedestal...
and me in his arms.
My God, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to.
- Are you okay, honey? - That would be us.
Did she say the wrong thing again? That is so in character.
- I'm Julianne Potter. - We'd be the vengeful sluts.
- You can just call us eager. - Have you sized up the groomsmen?
- As maid of honor, you get first pick. - Don't pick the short, hairy, tat one.
- He's mine. - Kimmy's a virgin.
Is this Michael's Julianne?
I'm Isabelle Wallace.
My handsome new son scarcely did you justice.
My husband says to scoot you to the ballpark...
so you can hang with Michael.
But first you have to meet a lot of really old women.
That is, it you've absorbed enough profanity.
Who ordered a beer?
- Let me help you with that. - You unwittingly imply I'm clumsy.
Sorry. I was confusing you with somebody I used to know.
Julianne Potter, this is Hank and Eric from Sport Magazine.
- Nice to meet you. - They kindly gave me a job.
- Hi, there. - How do you do?
And this is Walter, my father-in-Law.
Future father-in-Law. "COMISKEY"
Thank you.
If he gives you any grief, come see me.
- And this guy you know. - Papa Joe.
I told him to make you best man, but he had to go with his baby brother.
Best-looking guy in any room.
- Great to see you. - That will do.
- Scotty, that will do. - Sorry.
Remember, it is the duty of the best man...
to dance with the maid of honor.
Dance? You can't dance.
- When did you learn to dance? - I've got moves you've never seen.
You're an impostor.
What did you do with my best friend?
"CHICAGO TRIBUNE" I'm still your best friend.
You just haven't seen me for awhile.
Some people might find that kind of perfection boring...
- day after day, year after year. - That's what I thought at first.
How can you like someone that perfect?
No potential for long-range likeability.
But then, she does have a few good traits.
- All right. - Such as?
They got him.
When I hug her, even in public...
I don't have to let go right away.
She lets me hold her as long as I want.
- Batting second, the shortstop-- - What?
- Nothing. - I forgot.
You and that yucky love stuff.
You always get like that when it gets sentimental.
I do not.
When we were-- When you and I were--
- When we were-- - Together?
Did I, when--
- Yes. - Yes, what?
You pulled away when I tried to hug you in public.
I've changed.
I mean, I'm not the girl that I once was.
Really?
Any relationship over two weeks I should know about?
This is not about longevity.
This is about...
being comfortable...
with the yucky love stuff.
All right.
And I am.
And it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I've gained
- If I have to - Karaoke!
- I can do anything - Where did you find this place?
The doorman told me. And you are singing the song.
I am strong I am invincible
I am woman
I didn't realize this was a karaoke bar.
This is so great. My two best girls.
- You folks thirsty? - Margarita.
- Blended, no salt. - She wants it straight up.
- You? - Amstel light.
Two words for you.
Margarita.
Vespa.
Florence.
Me hanging on in the rain.
- I love Florence. - And the guy with the thing.
Where was my pass?
- "No, the pier is for fishing!" - "French kissing?"
- "Fishing!" - I've always loved Florence.
You Should take her there. She's perky. She deserves a honeymoon.
"If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento"?
You're off the road in September, and when does tall quarter start for you?
I'm not coming back senior year.
Don't architects find a degree sort of an asset?
I travel every week. Got college ball, motor sports, training camps.
I think the most important thing is for us to be together.
Say, Pinky, I wanna hear you sing. Come on.
Kimmy hates to sing. She hates it.
All right, folks. Everybody...
my bride-to-be here is about to kick some ass on--
What? It will be fun.
No, she doesn't want to, Michael. Leave her alone.
Come on. Ladies and gentlemen...
Please give it up for the dazzling vocal stylings...
of Miss Kimberly Wallace!
Come on.
I just don't know what to do with myself
Don't know just what to do with myself
I'm so used to doing
Everything for you
- You suck! - Planning everything for two
And now that we're through
I just don't know
What to do with my time
I'm so lonesome for you
It's a crime
Going to a movie
If your new love
Ever turns you down
Come back
I will be around just waiting for you
I just don't know what to do
Like a summer rose
It needs the sun and the rain
I need your sweet love
I need your sweet love to ease
All the pain
That was just terrible!
"STEAKHOUSE" "PARK" "TAXI" - You won't be lonely without us? - Desperately.
- Maybe we don't have to go. - Your grandmother's dinner?
As bride-to-be, she's got you on a technicality.
I'd baby-sit you, but my loyalty is to the bride in her time of need.
- It's not really a time of need. - If you're sure.
- "Sure"? - I'll stay with Michael it you're sure.
- Call me later? - Of course.
- Bye. - Have fun.
Were you pretty shocked when I told you?
Shocked? No.
A little.
A lot. I tell oft the bed.
That explains the thump.
You like her, don't you?
- I do. - That's enthusiastic.
I mean, she's-- She's great.
She seriously can't sing a note.
But to make that kind of sacrifice--
- What? Leaving school? - All of it.
Putting her career on hold to follow you around in this dumb job...
where you travel 52 weeks a year...
to places like College Station, Texas.
- "Dumb job"? - It's not a grown-up job.
My job never bothered you before.
It doesn't bother me now, but I'm not Kimmy.
Her father owns the Sox and cable sports.
I'm just surprised it hasn't come up, that's all.
What?
The corner office with a view.
You in a nice blue suit.
Permanent Chicago address, somewhat close to Mom and Dad.
Never.
She would never even think of that.
You don't know her.
- But Michael loves his job. - Sure.
Bad games, bad pay, bad towns, bad flights...
bad hotels, real bad food...
homeless, rootless, lonely...
your copy makes it in one issue out of tour.
What's not to love?
Why would he trade that for running, say, a piece of the public relations...
at a powerful complex conglomerate like your father's?
- That's what my father and I discussed. - I'm not surprised.
So do you think he'd really accept?
Michael? A job like that?
It would be the greatest thing that ever happened to him.
Present company excepted.
This is what we do: We make your dad a co-conspirator.
Michael does a favor for Walter.
Walter's reorganizing his public relations...
and needs a brilliant guy that he's close to...
that he can completely trust.
Then you beg. 'Michael, please do this for Daddy.
It's only six months. It would mean so much to me."
- He'll see right through it. - Only if he wants to.
At the end of six months...
he will be happy...
settled...
successful.
Wow.
You look beautiful. Do you have a date later?
Never can tell.
Just the way you look tonight Remember?
Okay, kid, you're up.
It's really my father who needs the favor.
He's reorganizing some of the divisions of the company.
Public relations is a real problem area for him.
It would only be six months maybe.
- Or three or four. - You knew about this?
I think you ought to listen to her. It's her life too.
You gonna tell me that Walter thought this one up?
Why don't you start by being honest one second.
I am being honest.
All of a sudden I'm supposed to drop out of school...
forget my family, forget my career...
- forget the things I had planned? - Forgive me for screwing up your plans.
Glad I heard this before it's too Late.
- What is that supposed to mean? - What am I supposed to do with my life?
I work in a low-paying, zero-respect job...
which, unfortunately, I happen to love.
- It sounds like a great opportunity. - Does it really?
How come you never took some sellout establishment job?
I'll tell you why, because that isn't you.
- And it's not me either. - If that's the way you feel--
Damn straight that's how I feel! Just come out and say it.
My job's not good enough. I'm not good enough.
- I never said that! - Yes, you did.
Great, Kim.
Two days before our wedding, you lay this on me. I'm supposed to roll over?
Fine. I'm an insensitive. Sexist asshole.
You're better oft without me.
You are so right. I was so wrong.
We settled this, and I reneged. That just wasn't fair.
You have to forgive me and forget this happened or I'll just die.
Please.
I'm sorry.
George and Werner are not in.
Brevity is the order of the day.
George, answer this, damn it
I'm in a meltdown here! She double-crossed me!
The little twerp groveled She's so wrong for him.
Michael and I are the same person: self-absorbed and vaguely loveable.
We deserve each other. I'm running out of time.
I'm completely out of sneaky ideas. I have come to the end...
of my rapidly fraying rope!
You have got to think of something!
- Coffee, anyone? - That would be wonderful.
"THE DRAKE"
This is very Marcel Marceau.
Now, relax. We don't want your face coming off with it, do we?
What a hideous room.
Death by a mini-bar. How glamorous.
You flew all the way here. You hate to fly.
I have to go back this evening. We have a family thing in the Hamptons.
You're butting in.
What I mean when I say she's annoyingly perfect...
is that there is nothing annoying about her perfection.
It is vulnerable and endearing. And that is annoying as shit.
You like her.
It I didn't have to hate her, I'd adore her.
This is my whole life's happiness.
I have to be ruthless.
He was in love with me every day for nine years.
I can make him happier than she can.
I am breaking her heart in the short run...
but really doing her a gigantic favor.
She would be so miserable tagging along after this insensitive doofus.
Do you really love him...
or is this just about winning?
Seriously.
In the beginning, it was mostly this prior claim.
He belonged to me.***
But now, when I'm with him...
he's just so wonderful.
How come I never knew that when I could have had him?
It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.
George, believe me...
if he was feeling what I'm feeling...
then he would know how I feel.
It's horrible.
What?
Just tell him you love him.
Tell him you've loved him for nine years...
but you were afraid of love.
Tell him you were afraid of love, afraid of needing.
- Needing what? - To belong to someone.
We all are, sweetheart.
I'm sorry about that.
Tell him this is the worst, cruelest, dumbest moment to do this to him...
but there it is.
He's got to choose.
Tell him the actual truth?
Maybe not the actual truth.
Highlights.
Arms at your sides, Please.
- Good morning. - I have to talk to you.
- You don't like the suit? - That's not what I have to talk about.
One thing first. Excuse me.
- Guard this with your life. - What is it?
- The ring. - Why are you giving it to me?
- I don't trust Scotty with it. - I don't think--
Please.
You're practically the best man anyway.
- Thank you. - Open it.
Will she like it?
- What did you want to talk about? - What?
You wanted to talk about something?
We've known each other a long time, right? Twenty years?
Not that long, but a long time.
And in that time...
we've grown close.
Very close. Do you know what I mean?
- I think so. - Good. So do I.
So sometimes--
could you excuse us?
Sometimes...
people think...
they know how they feel about each other...
but they don't...
until...
until they do.
I have a point.
- Am I getting to it? - Why don't you?
Whatever it is you have to say can't be that big a deal.
"A big deal" is a relative term.
Who's that guy?
It's George. I've told you about George. He's my editor.
What's he doing here? You working this weekend?
- He's here to be with me. - Why?
Because he's my friend. He's my good friend.
My best friend these days.
You've been busy.
So all of this has been about George?
I'm speechless.
That's Jules.
- Congratulations. - Congratulations.
What?
I told him, puppy. If we're engaged, we Shouldn't be ashamed of it.
He's racing back to New York. He just came in for a few hours...
to fuck me.
Takes a few hours.
God.
Give me your ring. Give it to me!
When you ask a girl to marry you, you have to give an engagement ring.
I can't believe you're doing this to me. I've come all this way to help you.
- You're insane! - For one day find me irresistible.
Stop it.
Is something wrong?
I guess it's just the way you've always talked about George.
It always seemed...
seemed like--
- It sounded like George was-- - Gay?
Actually, yes.
Common misconception.
It is.
George likes to pretend that he's gay.
And why would you do that?
I find it attracts women.
Indeed. Worked for me.
Big time.
Right.
Oh, my God. Race you to the altar.
- Underplay. - Got it.
I'm Jules' fiance, George.
Just in town for a quick pre-conjugal visit, it you catch my drift.
I do.
- You're going to humiliate me. - Only if I can.
Just one thing. Stay away from--
George! Oh, my God!
- I don't know why I'm so carried away. - Me neither.
It's so--
Against God's plan?
No! It's just wonderful!
It's so wonderful!
Mom!
- What? - You have to meet George.
You must be Kimmy's little sister.
Julianne's fiance. They're going to be married.
- What's going on? - Julianne's getting married.
- Why didn't you tell us? - There hasn't been time.
I wanted to. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops...
but Jules said, "No, Pumpkin, no.
This is Kimmy's day.
Let's not take the attention away from Kimmy.
Dear, sweet...
adorable, chocolate-covered Kimmy."
Those were her very words.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Me too.
This is so sweet of you to come to our rehearsal.
I insist you stay for lunch.
- No, absolutely-- - Love to.
Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything. Love to.
- Darling, what about your flight? - Canceled.
I can tell you this now, but I was very worried about you.
About me?
All those stories that Michael told me were hilarious...
but all those broken relationships, all those men.
It must have hurt going through so many guys and never finding the right one.
She couldn't sit down for seven years until she met teensy-weensy little me.
And the man of your dreams was always there.
She's talking about me.
Yes, Darling?
- How did you and Julianne meet? - George is my editor.
But, Poopy, we met a long time before that.
Actually, it's a very romantic story.
Would you like to tell it, Sweet Pea?
- It's private. - Not anymore.
I first met Julianne...
in a mental institution.
Julianne was there visiting some French chef...
she'd sent insane with a bad review...
and I was there visiting Dionne Warwick.
He thought he was Dionne Warwick.
- Who is Dionne Warwick? - Sacrilege, darling.
She's Whitney Houston's aunt.
She's very good on the Psychic Friends Network.
- Isn't she? - Do you know the way to San Jose
There I was with Dionne. His real name, by the way, is Jerry.
We were having a sing-along, then suddenly...
breezing through the doors from the shock therapy room...
I saw her.
A vision in pink.
- You don't wear pink. - She does.
Sometimes she does wear pink.
- You do. - I do.
I said to Dionne...
"Dionne, who is this vision?
Surely, she must be the understudy to some fabulous Broadway star.
Look at her skin. Who does her hair?"
- In that moment, I knew. - We don't all need to know--
We do!
- I'm very curious. - They do.
I knew...
that someday we'd end up like this:
like some glittering...
Doris Day-Rock Hudson extravaganza.
I said to Dionne...
"Dionne, I'm in love.
Could this siren love me?
Are the gods that kind?"
And Dionne turned to me, opened her lovely eyes and said...
What did she say?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair now
While wondering what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you
Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever and ever We never will part
Oh, how I love you
Together forever That's how it must be
To live without you would only mean
Heartbreak for me
Go, Granddaddy!
I run for the bus, dear
While riding I think of us, dear
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break time
My darling, believe me
For me there is no one but you
- Please love me too - Answer his prayer
- And I'm in love with you - Answer his prayer now
Answer my prayer, baby
Say you love me too
all right, now!
- Heartbreak for you, actually. - You've made your point.
Get on your plane. I'll call at the turn of the century when I've forgiven you.
- It never would have worked out. - Because it was dishonest.
Different temperaments.
Look, tell him you love him.
Bite the bullet.
What will he do?
"BE CAREFUL. WATCH YOUR STEP"
He'll choose Kim.
You'll stand beside her at the wedding...
kiss him good-bye and go home.
That's what you came here to do.
So do it.
George isn't my fiance, Michael.
It's been over for ages...
but he can't accept it.
I'd built you up so much...
I couldn't let him lose face in front of you.
He could never stack up to the one man I measure everyone against.
This is strange.
I gotta tell you, when you--
When you told me that you were marrying George...
I got this really strange--
You were jealous?
Crazy jealous.
I'm sorry.
Can we maybe spend some time alone this afternoon?
Would that be ail right?
I've been thinking a lot the Last couple of days, about us.
Have you?
- There are a lot of memories. - It's more than that.
It's kind of embarrassing to say it this way, but...
you've sort of been, you know...
the woman in my life.
You've been the man in mine.
And I was thinking this could be our last time...
alone together, you know?
Except for that hot affair we'll have twice a year.
Except for that.
I mean, you commit to this wedding...
and then it seems like there's this momentum...
and then you forget you chose it.
You and I didn't--
In our relationships with other people...
we didn't use the word love a lot, did we?
Kimmy says it you love someone...
you say it.
You say it right then, out loud.
Otherwise, the moment just--
Passes you by.
We don't even have a song.
Kimmy and I don't have a song.
Do you think that's a bad sign?
Someday
When I'm awfully low
And the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight
Is your dance card tilled?
I'd have to check. I keep it on Powerbook these days.
Is that right?
With each word
Your tenderness grows
Tearing my fears apart
With each laugh that wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart
Excuse me.
- I thought Michael was picking me up. - I said I'd drop you at the stag.
He's got a lot to do. I'm the unofficial best man.
Of course.
Kim said when Michael turned the job down that there was no friction.
Friction? No.
Good.
I haven't caused a problem, have I?
You haven't. Nobody has.
Listen, you're just a little bit early.
Actually, I needed to make some phone calls.
- Is it possible to use your office? - Of course.
- At the end of the hall on the left. - Thank you.
Take your time.
E-mall.
"FILE" "NEW LETTER" "OPEN" "CLOSE" New letter.
To: Eric Isaacson...
"MAIL OUT" Senior editor, Sport Magazine.
From: Walter Wallace.
You can do this. It's easy. Just do it fast, get it over with.
It's like it never happened.
Eric, I need a favor.
My daughter's every happiness...
is in your hands.
I have offered Mike O'Neal...
my new son-in-Law...
a great opportunity...
in my company.
To his own detriment...
Michael will not...
accept our offer...
while he works for you.
My daughter joins me in this plea...
for your cooperation.
With gratitude, Walter.
"DO YOU WISH TO SEND?" "YES" "NO"
Why would I send this? He'd get tired.
"SAVE FOR LATER" "DELETE"
Save for later.
It's not like I'm sending it.
I'm just saving it for a few hours...
till we come back here and...
Michael can see it.
Perfectly harmless.
"WALLACE COMPANY"
Send out this, this, not this, this.
That's it.
I'm holding tour or five e-mails I wrote over lunch. Send those too.
- Yes, sir. - Bye.
All set?
I can't believe this! Did you try every key?
It's no big deal. She just gave us the wrong keys.
There's got to be a janitor or a guard...
or a cleaning woman or, you know, some kind of--
Somebody has to be in this building! I need a brick.
What's the big deal about getting this tile tonight?
- I'm up against a deadline. - Me too.
- I'm getting married tomorrow. - That's my point!
Everybody will be busy with more important things...
and this is really my last chance.
If I could just get up to Walter's office, they're by the computer.
Then I could just e-mail those figures right out now!
Tomorrow's Sunday.
Nobody's doing business.
Monday morning, crack of dawn, Walter will walk you right up there.
Give it up, kid.
Can't win them all.
Good night.
This thing mean that much to you?
We'll use the phone in your room.
Walter's probably not even asleep.
- I'll drive you up there. - Thank you!
We'll get the right key, and we'll go back to the office.
If I fall asleep on the altar tomorrow, you'd better be there.
I'll be there.
These are all from Eric. This fax is from Eric too.
My wedding. You'd think my boss would leave me alone.
Maybe it's Congratulations.
What is it?
"Mike, I can't believe I'm doing this to you on the night before your wedding...
but I think you need and deserve...
to know what you're marrying into.
I received the following e-mail this afternoon:
'Eric, I need a favor. My daughter's every--"'
Isabelle, I need to talk to Kim.
- Is anything wrong? - No, I'm just tired.
Please put her on. Thanks.
Could you give me a minute?
Please?
Excuse me, miss. Are you locked out?
Just stepped out. It's a no-smoking room.
It's a nonsmoking floor too.
Maybe you could go down to the lobby.
Why don't you have me arrested?
I mean it.
I am a dangerous, criminal person.
I do bad things to honest people.
You can make a citizen's arrest. I wouldn't struggle.
It'd be like getting AI Capone on tax evasion.
Can I help you, miss?
Do you smoke, Richard?
Yes, I do, but--
It's a nonsmoking floor.
But you know what?
You know, my grandmother always said...
"This too shall pass."
Thanks, Richard.
I want you to quit this shit.
It'll kill you.
What happened?
It's over. She denied it.
She said I was crazy and paranoid.
A bad combination.
There's a big...
brunch tomorrow morning at her parents' house.
She said, "How could I call it oft?
What am I supposed to tell everyone?"
It's for the best. It really is.
She was right.
I am crazy...
to tall for someone I hardly knew.
I'm so glad you're here.
Have you still got that ring?
I tried it on, and it won't come off.
Why don't we take a walk or have some food sent up?
I just want to be alone.
Is that okay?
Sure.
Maybe I'll go back to New York for awhile and hang with you.
Eric will understand. Or we could go somewhere...
if you want.
"If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento--"
I've never been to Texas.
"Brown"
You what?
- Can I try that? - Sure.
- Excuse me. - Good luck.
So this is your basic call-off-the-wedding party?
I came here to confront everybody. I won't slink away like some coward.
Besides, she hasn't told anyone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
There is a wedding at 6:00.
Have you changed your mind? Do you want to marry Kimmy?
I made a decision. It's over.
I'll go tell them.
First, do you think she's all right?
Could you check on her for me?
These are the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen.
How is he?
He's sort of wondering...
why you haven't told your parents that the wedding's oft.
I don't know. I'm still hoping for a miracle, I suppose.
How could he think that my father and I would do such a thing?
I only minored in psych, you understand, but...
maybe Michael couldn't commit to this marriage...
so he created...
a delusion...
produced an unconscious, psychosomatic...
manifestation of--
I'm better with food.
You're Michael. You're in a fancy French restaurant.
You order...
crème brulée for dessert.
It's beautiful. It's sweet.
It's irritatingly perfect.
Suddenly, Michael realizes...
he doesn't want crème brulée.
- He wants something else. - What does he want?
- Jell-O. - "Jell-O"?
- Why Jell-O? - He's comfortable with Jell-O.
Jell-O makes him comfortable.
I realize compared to crème brulée...
it's Jell-O, but maybe that's what he needs.
I could be Jell-O.
Crème brulée can never be Jell-O.
You could never be Jell-O.
- I have to be Jell-O. - You'll never be Jell-O.
Tell your parents. If you're waiting for that "do you take this man" part...
- it's considered poor form. - I love him.
Whatever delusions I drove Michael to...
there's truth at the heart of it.
I want him to work for my father.
I want to stay in school, and I want a life of my own.
Please, tell him it's my fault and I love him.
You're the only person that I trust.
- I'll be right back. - Thank you.
How is she?
- Knock it off! - Yes, sir!
- I asked you-- - She admits that it's her fault.
Totally, completely, inexcusably her fault.
Do you think she still loves me?
Love is a strong word...
and I don't know that I'm necessarily qualified--
I guess I wouldn't be totally oft base it I said that, in her way...
she does possess strong feelings--
Sure, she does.
She's crazy about you.
You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Tell her I'll marry her at 6:00...
it she'll still have me.
Please.
Like a sleepy blue ocean
I'll be right back.
Come love me again
What did he say?
He said...
"Marry me."
Thank God you were here.
I got so contused.
It happens.
Got a minute?
What's up?
I have to say this quick or I'll just have this massive coronary...
and then you'll never hear it, and you have to.
This is, by far, the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
So dumb, in fact, that I can't. But I'm gonna.
What's wrong?
I love you. I've loved you for nine years.
I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it.
Now I'm just scared.
I realize this comes at a very inopportune time...
but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you.
Choose me. Marry me.
Let me make you happy.
That sounds like three favors, doesn't it?
But--
- Lovely together. - Aren't they?
That's our maid of honor. She's from New York.
"Floral Design/Special Events" Michael, wait!
Please! You'll never catch her!
Doesn't anybody leave their car unlocked?
Nobody trusts anybody anymore?
A good Samaritan.
"AUTO MEMORY STORING" There's just
Too little of
What the world needs now "Bakery"
Come back here!
"Shy tendrils of russet pleasure...
began their unbidden journey.
She moaned.
The tonnage of years of anguish, sacrifice, mingling with--"
It is not going well!
This is what comes of telling the truth or even part of it!
- Getting what you deserve isn't fair. - Where are you?
I have stolen a bread van, and I'm chasing Michael down Michigan Avenue!
This is all your fault! I told him the truth!
I said that I loved him, and I kissed him.
- This is what's happened! - Jules, a question.
When you kissed Michael, did he kiss you back?
What do you mean? We were lip to lip!
Was there anything there leading you to believe this chase will end happily?
That's beside the point. We were interrupted.
- Who interrupted you? - Kimmy! She ruined everything!
And Michael started chasing her before he could answer me.
Michael's chasing Kimmy?
You're chasing Michael?
Who's chasing you? Nobody. Get it?
There's your answer: Kimmy.
Jules, you are not the one!
Now, for God's sake, the wedding is at 6:00 p.m.
You have a small, but distinct, window of opportunity to do the right thing.
"EXIT" "CANAL ST."
all aboard!
Excuse me.
I have a confession to make.
Another confession.
Besides that I love you, this is even worse.
The e-mail that Walter sent to your boss--
I wrote that.
I'm the bad guy.
Are you crazy?
Are you completely insane?
I mean, Jules, how could you do that?
It wasn't supposed to get sent.
I just wanted you to get mad at Kimmy.
God.
I have done nothing but underhanded, despicable...
not even terribly imaginative things since I got here.
I was just trying to win you...
to win you back.
But that doesn't excuse any of it.
I'm pond scum.
Lower, actually.
I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.
Lower.
The pus that infects the mucus...
that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum.
On the other hand...
thank you...
for loving me that much.
That way...
it's pretty flattering.
Except it makes me fungus.
That part I knew.
God.
I'm glad you didn't get on that train.
I came here looking for her.
- Why would she be here? - This is where I proposed.
I had to cover a game in Milwaukee, and she saw me off.
The train was starting to leave and...
I jumped up on the step and I held the handle...
and without...
a thought in my head, I just shouted, "Marry me."
The train was pulling out, and she just suddenly screamed, "Yes!"
Just once.
And blew me a kiss.
It would've been a nice wedding.
You can't believe that you've lost her.
You will find her, and you'll look into her eyes and see all that love.
I just hope that it's soon. Or else I'd hate to be you at 6:00.
Just wait.
We'll split up.
You will go to every romantic place the two of you have...
and I will go someplace brilliant, and we'll find her.
We will find her.
Wallace egregious residence, Mandy speaking.
It's Jules. Have you gotten a call from Kimmy?
She slipped out, the little monkey, during the commotion.
"Commotion"?
My sister was licking an ice sculpture, and her tongue froze right to it.
And that's a commotion?
It's a sculpture of the David.
So Kimmy would be--
She's probably with Michael doing the nasty.
Either that or crying in her nachos down at Comiskey Park.
- Excuse me? - I had this crank call...
from some guy who says he saw her in the luxury box.
- Right. - What would a bride be doing--
Can you bring my dress to the church?
I have to pick something up for the ceremony.
Don't forget to shave now.
Here we go. Here's the hair dryer.
There we go.
It's going to be okay. Please, no pictures.
"FEDERAL EXPRESS"
I know you're in here. The guard saw you come in.
Just leave me alone, you bitch!
Who the hell do you think you are?
- Cat fight! - You came here...
pretending to be my friend, and I made you my maid of honor!
Who asked you to do that? You knew me what, eight minutes?
Michael trusted you, so I trusted you.
You wanted to keep me close. You didn't trust me for a second.
- I was right! - Of course you were right.
- But that's not my fault. - You kissed him!
- At my parents' house! - That's cold.
On my wedding day!
- Bitch. - Tramp.
Shut up!
Now I love this man, and there is no way...
I'm going to give him up to some two-faced, big-haired food critic!
All right. Okay, all right!
I kissed him.
I tried to steal him.
I lost.
He doesn't love me. He loves you.
I haven't done much that I'm proud of the last three days.
I'd like to take you to the church...
so you can walk down that aisle...
and marry the man of our dreams.
Because he sure wants to marry you.
So raise our glasses and wish Mike and Kim every happiness...
for a long and happy life together...
filled with happiness.
- I guess that's it. - To the bride and groom.
Now let's hear from the maid of honor, the lovely Julianne.
I had the strangest dream.
I dreamt that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up.
Luckily, I woke up and I see...
that the world is just as it Should be...
for my best friend...
has won the best woman.
I didn't get you a gift.
However, this is on loan...
until you two find your song.
Someday
When I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look
Tonight
Oh, but you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me
But to love you
Just the way you look
Tonight
- It's mine! - I don't think so!
I got it!
Bye.
Hey, gorgeous, having a good time?
Not particularly, but I did what I came to do.
What? You split them up?
No, I said good-bye.
Good girl. I'm proud of you.
Be prouder still if you were dancing.
I have big plans for dancing.
Just give me 30, 35 years.
The misery...
the exquisite tragedy.
The Susan Hayward of it all.
I can picture you there sitting alone at your table in your lavender gown.
Did I tell you my gown was lavender?
Hair swept up. Haven't touched your cake.
Probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen tablecloth...
the way you do when you're really feeling down.
Perhaps looking at those nails thinking: "I should've stopped...
my evil plotting to have that manicure, but it's too late now."
I didn't tell you my dress was lavender.
Suddenly, a familiar song.
The moment I wake up
And you're off your chair in one, exquisite movement...
wondering, searching, sniffing the wind...
like a dapple deer.
Has God heard your little prayer?
Will Cinderella dance again?
And then, suddenly, the crowds part...
and there he is:
sleek, stylish...
radiant with charisma.
Bizarrely, he's on the telephone.
But then, so are you.
And he comes towards you...
the moves of a jungle cat.
Although you quite correctly sense that he is...
...
like most devastatingly handsome single men of his age are...
you think, what the hell...
life goes on.
Maybe there won't be marriage.
Maybe there won't be sex.
But, by God, there'll be dancing.
Bond. Jane Bond.