I can't believe it. I'm married six years and I'm still happy.
You're lucky. I think Louise is cheating on me.
We're not cheating. We're just good friends.
- Look, he's worried. - He's joking!
Wait a minute. Pull the cab over.
- This ain't the address. - Be quiet!
Sammy! Tony! Who's that singing?
- Sounds like Vicki. - That is Vicki.
We'll get off here, cabbie. George, pay the man.
- What! - $1.80.
$ 1.80? Your meter broken?
Fellas.
- It's her. - Would you look at that?
It's her.
♪ Here in your arms I'm wealthy tonight
♪ When youth has its fling
♪ Love is the thing
♪ While lovers fight for power
♪ We can...
♪ Walk among the flowers
They were the unhappiest couple I ever knew.
And the happiest.
I thought the third time they would have made it.
♪ Love for you and me
Vicki and Charley. Now there's a story.
I never told you this? I'm sure I told you.
I'm gonna tell you the story, and you're gonna think I'm making it up.
But I swear this is exactly how it happened.
It all started on a warm June night, 1948.
My friend, Charley Pearl, had just announced his engagement...
to the daughter of the most important producer in Hollywood.
Now, for a struggling comic like myself...
this was a rare chance to get into a big-time Hollywood mansion...
for which I otherwise would've had no chance at all.
For Charley it was the beginning of the biggest roller coaster ride...
in the history of modern romance.
Adele Horner was a new type dame for Charley.
She had class, education. Nice girl.
You're the only woman in the world for me, Adele.
In the whole world?
In as many worlds as they got.
But me and the guys couldn't get over Charley getting married.
Here he is, a good-looking guy...
with millions coming in from the family toothpaste business.
To small-time bachelors like us...
Charley Pearl was a god.
Five feet from where we're sitting...
there are three directors I would sell my mother to meet.
- You sold your mother last year. - They returned her.
Don't ever be funnier than me, sweetheart.
He's not in love with her. I'll tell you that.
How do you know?
Well, he might love her. But he's not hot for her.
So the hors d'oeuvres are hot. Isn't that enough?
Why's he marrying her? It's not as ifhe needs money.
She doesn't need his, so I trust her.
For Charley that's a hard thing to find.
Charley, let's not get married unless it's forever.
I'm spoiled rotten.
And I wouldn't know how to handle disappointment.
Every woman I have ever been with...
has made her living from disappointments.
I need somebody good and solid to keep me in check.
I'll hold you to that, Charley.
I'll never let you out of my sight.
Bite my mouth.
Go on. Bite it hard.
No, Charley. I don't want to hurt you.
You don't get it, Adele. I like it when it hurts.
Ahem.
I'm sorry to intrude. But your father...
would like a few moments with Mr. Pearl.
Don't look so worried. He already said yes.
He's been known to change his mind.
It's too late. I already made up mine.
Sit down, Charley.
Thank you, sir.
- Cigar? - No, thank you.
- Brandy? - Not for me.
Is it true you don't smoke or drink?
Stains the teeth. That's what my father taught me.
Makes you look impressive. That's what my father taught me.
No vices at all, Charley?
Oh sure. All the ones that don't stain the teeth.
Well, you got nice teeth.
How would you characterize yourself?
As a playboy?
I prefer the word "sportsman."
You don't give a damn about impressing me...
- do you, Charley? - I'm trying like hell to make a good impression on you.
But you know everything about me.
I spotted those two private detectives...
you've had tailing me for the last month.
Sure I play the horses, bet on football, baseball...
anything that moves or rolls.
I've been out with every starlet from Paramount to Warner Brothers...
and I've had a dandy time doing it.
But, that was before I met Adele.
Is it having 30 million dollars that makes you so cocky?
No, I don't think I'm cocky. A little stupid, sometimes.
No, I don't think you are.
Fact is, I don't know what the hell you are.
Why did you pick Adele?
There's a thousand better looking women you could have by just snapping your finger.
I don't think you appreciate your own daughter's qualities.
She's got style. She's got class.
Adele is a thoroughbred. That's something I know about.
We're not trading horses here, Charley.
We're talking about my one and only daughter, Adele.
Now what is it you really want? To produce movies?
Produce movies?
No, I'd miss too many ball games.
We've talked about everything except hard work.
Exactly how much schooling have you had?
I went to a few Harvard and Yale football games.
Look, let's face it.
I'm not ambitious. I don't have to be.
You know, my mother walked out on us when I was three.
Never saw her again.
So my old man gave me everything...
except the mother I didn't have.
I love that old guy. I'm gonna pay him back...
by settling down. My father made me rich.
Now I want to make him happy.
You're good, Charley.
You use charm...
like a dealer uses a fresh deck.
There isn't an ambitious writer...
actor or director out there...
who wouldn't sell his soul to marry Adele.
But you present a problem to me...
because you're lazy and you're independent.
How am I going to control you, Charley?
You can't.
But Adele, she can make me do handstands.
There are two things in this world that matter to me.
My daughter and my studio.
You hurt my studio and I kill you.
You hurt my daughter...
and you'll pray for me to kill you.
Don't give it a thought, sir. I'm not a praying man.
Okay, two days later we were headed for what was then...
just a little dusty town called Las Vegas.
We were throwing Charley a bachelor party.
A three-day orgy at the Pick-A-Daisy Ranch...
where all the Daisys wore D-cups.
"She loves me, she loves me not" was the house game.
By the time Charley went on his honeymoon...
we'd have Adele carrying him across the threshold.
Did I tell you clowns Esther Williams likes one of my songs?
Hey, that's terrific!
- MGM wants her to sing it in her next picture. - Where, underwater?
Shut up, you. What song?
D Haven't we met before Haven't we met before dd
Wait a minute. That's my song. You promised that to me.
So now I promised MGM.
Since when does friendship come before career?
You little shit. In two years I'll be MGM's hottest star.
Esther Williams will do a backstroke in my bathtub to get me in one ofher pictures.
And you will kiss my ass before I do one of your songs.
I'll kiss it now. I'm not proud. Bend over.
You can't do no Esther Williams picture. You can't swim.
- How do you know? - You never go near the water because you wear the toupee.
I wear a toupee, you fuckhead?
You know, I love this guy.
- He manages the worst baseball team in the minors. - I'm sorry?
Finishes last three years in a row.
- Four! - Four years in a row!
Now he knows everything about show business.
I know umpires making 20 bucks a month...
- better rugs on their heads. - Mr. Pineapple Head.
- Pineapple head? - Can I say something, George?
You're very boring.
You want to hang out with us, get snappier dialogue.
I don't hear Charley coming up with any snappier dialogue.
- That's different. Charley's rich. - Hey, hey!
I don't mind if Charley bores us. Is this fun?
Is this the best time you ever had in your life?
Going to Vegas with three-and-a-half funny guys who treat you like an equal.
We pretend that we enjoy your company.
Why do we treat you...
like an equal?
- Because I pay for everything. - Exactly.!
You see. The first thing he grabs is his hair.
I always do this.
Hey, buddy.
- How long's it going to take? - You want it fast or do you want it to last?
I'll write the lyrics. Just fix the tire.
Adele, we have a bad connection. I miss you too, honey.
I still say he's not hot for her.
About 40 miles outside of Vegas. I'm going to drop these guys off and head back tonight.
I just miss you too much.
What did he say? Birds were chirping. I couldn't hear that.
I love you. Bye, honey.
He's joking, that's what it is. He's joking. Charley.
Don't tell jokes. You're not funny. We're funny, not you.
It's no joke. I'm going back.
Aw, Charley!
I'll take you there. I'll pay for the weekend.
- I'm going back to L.A. Tonight. - Charley.
- I miss her, guys. - Tell him what he's missing.
On my mother's life, these are not women, they're goddesses.
- Am I lying, Sammy? - Goddesses, Charley.
Any of them could marry a prince or a duke if they could get to Europe.
Big women, six-two, six-three. There were 12 of them.
It's like a mountain of tits.
Hey, the tire, the tire!
You guys don't get it. I'm getting married in six days.
I'm tired of screwing around. That's all I've been doing my whole life.
Can I ask you a question? Are you hot for Adele?
I just got finished telling you, I'm nuts for her.
We're not talking about nuts. Nuts is a different topic.
We are now talking about hot.
- Hot! - Different than nuts.
I've had hot before.
Hot always got me into trouble.
Hot always cost me a bundle of dough and a kick in the ass.
- I want a woman I can depend on. - Why can't you have both?
Because you can't. You ever hear of crimes of passion?
A hot woman screws up your mind.
Guy sees the woman he's in love with...
in bed with another guy, he writes her off.
- He catches some guy screwing the woman he's hot for...
She's done!
We did talk Charley into stopping for a few drinks...
figuring we could persuade him tojoin us at the Pick-A-Daisy.
You can lead a man in love to water...
but you gotta drag him to horse around.
Dd
Feeling lucky.! Feeling lucky.!
Watch your hands.! Keep your hands back.!
He's on the phone again.
We should have killed this romance when it started.
A man in love is a man who dumps his friends.
I'm going to miss Charley.
Fellas, I have found the one girl in a million.
You ask me if I'm hot for her, I'm better than hot.
I am crazy, nuts, absolutely insane for her.
That's great. Maybe one day you'll be hot for her, too.
And now here's a young lady I know you're going to enjoy.
Adele wants to put my picture on the ceiling...
so it's the first thing she sees in the morning.
I wish we didn't have to wait six day...
♪ Birds do it
♪ Bees do it
♪ Even educated fleas do it
♪ Let's do it
♪ Let's fall in love
Sometimes it's good to wait.
- Who is that? - For example.
♪ Let's do it Let's do it
Who is she, Sammy?
Must be a new kid. Never saw her before.
♪ The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
♪ Not to mention the Finns
♪ Folks in Siam do it
♪ Think of Siamese twins
dSome Argentines...
Nice body. Right, Charley?
She's um...
She's got, um...
Good phrasing.
- Her phrasing, it's good. - First thing I noticed when she came out.
Let's hear her phrase a little more.
One more song?
One song, one encore, one reprise. That's it.
♪ Electric eels I might add, do it
♪ Although it shocks them I know
♪ Why ask if shad do it
♪ Oh waiter bring me shad roe
dln shallow shoal
♪ English soles do it
♪ Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
♪ Let's do it
♪ Let's fall...
♪ In love
♪ Come on, baby
♪ There's not much to it
♪ Just come along with me boy
♪ And get right down to it
♪ Let's fall...
♪ In love
♪ Let's just do it
♪ Love'll come later
♪ Feels so good
♪ Yeah
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vicki Anderson.
I gotta get going.
Charley, where's your manners?
Tell the lady how much you appreciate her phrasing.
♪ Murder, he says d
Sammy, ask if the lady will join some admirers for a drink.
- Phil... - She'd get a kick out of meeting you.
- Okay, Sam? - Can do.
If the man says "can do," can do!
♪ Is that the language of love
♪ ls there something he said
♪ Takes me in his arms is there something he said
♪ The meaning ofhis charms is there something he said
♪ ls that the language oflove
No good. Bad idea. No can do.
What do you mean? She won't have a drink with us?
- She's seeing a guy. She's spoke for. - Let me talk to her.
- Leave it to me. - Forget it!
She's Bugsy Siegel's girl.
- That name was not mentioned. - Let's go.
What's wrong with asking her to have one drink?
Nothin'. So they'll bury us all in the same box.
Pay the check. Leave a very big tip.
- I just want to say hello. - Without a tongue?
They don't call Bugsy "Bugsy" 'cause he's friendly.
- Grab his arms. - Come on.
Don't look back. They got cameras in the ceiling.
You don't think that girl has something special?
You're just nervous. Suddenly, any gorgeous girl looks good.
You don't think that girl is beautiful?
I thought she was a little common.
Adele is pretty. This girl...
♪ ... Will bring on nobody's murder but his own
Hard to say.
Charley, you gotta come with us.
- We need you for the group discount. - Get in the car.
It's too late to make it back to L.A.
Give the girls at the ranch a break.
- I want to get back to Adele. - Charley!
- Bust a couple of broncos for me. - See ya at the altar.
Can you spot me a twenty?
You're a lucky man to have a real lady waiting for you.
Poor slobs like us...
we've got to kill three days humping 12 crazy amazons!
See ya later, Charley.
- It's only a dime to change your mind. - Knock 'em dead.
- We miss you already. Come on. - We'll mail you the bill.
♪ He said get in the groove
dHe said keep on the move
- ♪ He says murder d - Murder!
- Murder!
♪ Murder, murder, murder that's what he said
Is that clock right? 1:30?
Guess so.
You're the first one in Vegas who ever asked me the time.
Another two-cents-plain?
Sure. Why not?
How ya doin', Charley?
Well, I'm doin' just fine, thanks.
Lady's talkin' to me, chief.
Oh, oh!
My name is Charley, too.
Honest.
I saw your show.
All three shows, as a matter of fact.
- You're very good. - The lady likes to drink alone.
Why don't you show her a little professional courtesy, Charley?
I'm not trying to pick you up. I'm getting married in six days.
I couldn't be happier for you. Do we have any peanuts?
Yeah.
- Thanks. - Yes, sir...
finally gonna tie the old knot.
Never thought it would happen to me.
I'm up here on a bachelor party.
Quiet party.
I left early. Me and the guys, we really went wild.
I was going to drive back to L.A., but I decided...
to stay and see your last show.
Is there an album of yours that I could buy?
Because if there isn't, then somebody better open their eyes...
because I think you have one hell of a future.
- You in show business? - No, toothpaste.
No wonder you smile so much.
My name's Pearl... Charley Pearl.
Gus, got a talker down here.
I'm in the columns now and then.
Really? Selling toothpaste?
I race cars, speedboats...
play a little polo.
You like polo?
I would have thought a guy getting married in six days...
would behave himself.
- Am I out of line? - Your foot's on the edge, pal.
Excuse me. This section just closed.
Move to the other end of the bar, we'd be glad to pick up your tab.
- Have I offended someone? - I don't own this hotel.
See, no one's complaining.
Look, I asked you nice once. Second time gets ugly.
He's harmless, Gus.
He's getting married in six days.
I just want to make sure the guy shows up.
You got two minutes to finish your drink.
Then you run out of'em.
Those guys must think you're pretty important.
- My fan club. - Listen...
I know some influential people in your business.
Is there any way they could sort of...
- get in contact with you? - Nope.
Don't go yet.
Don't touch, Charley.
Those guys know how to turn wives into widows.
I mean it when I say you're good.
You should be making records, playing big clubs.
You should be in the movies.
Charley, I'm gonna save your life.
Do you know who I am?
Yeah, Bugsy Siegel's girlfriend.
If they hear you call him Bugsy, they'll turn you...
into a roulette wheel.
I'm not brave and I'm not stupid.
I've got 30 seconds to finish my drink...
before they show me the door.
Is there any way I could see you later on tonight?
Sure, if you don't mind looking up from a grave.
Just tell me where to go.
Charley Pearl!
The toothpaste king!
Why do you want to die if you're worth 40 million bucks?
30 million, and I don't want to die.
I just want to see you later on.
Why?
Some things are worth risking your life for.
You have five seconds to make up your mind.
No. What is wrong with me?
They'll kill us both ifhe catches us.
Makes life interesting, doesn't it?
Five Yucca Ridge Road.
Don't come if the porch light is on.
I'll leave the side window open. I must be crazy.!
I've had enough. I loved the show.
Next time, I'll bring the wife and kids.
I know the way out.
Jesus, the creeps they let in this joint!
Now, Charley's brain knew that what he was doin'...
was dumb and dangerous.
The problem was, his brain was no longer drivin'the bus.
Charley was about to break the two golden rules:
One, never fool around with a gangster's girl.
And two, never fool around with a gangster's girl.
Where are you?
Pulling down the shade would be a smart move.
Right.
Hi.
Okay, so you're here. What do you want?
I thought maybe we'd talk.
About what?
I mean... what do you mean, about what?
I'm risking a bullet in my head to come see you.
I got the impression that you want to see me, too.
So, what do you want to do?
Well, a drink would be nice.
Soft music maybe.
About my career.
Oh.
Well, uh, I meant what I said.
I could introduce you to some influential people.
More important than Benny Siegel?
Well...
without those two gorillas, Benny Siegel...
isn't anymore important than... the doorman.
Doormen open doors, Charley.
Judging from your looks and this bungalow...
I think he had something else in mind, don't you?
And I suppose you don't.
He gave you this job. But I don't think...
he's really going to push your career.
Whereas I am prepared to pick up this phone...
and get you an appointment with Decca Records.
Why would you do that for me?
Why did you leave the window open?
I don't know. I don't know.
Besides, Benny's gettin' ready to dump me.
That's what he went to pick up in Chicago.
Look, I gotta tell you this.
I couldn't take my eyes off you in that club.
When I was sitting next to you...
I had to fight to keep my hands off you.
You know, sometimes something strange...
something special happens between a man and woman.
She may not be right for him, or he for her, but...
it happens anyway.
And there's not a damn thing either one can do about it.
Are you laughing at me?
Yeah.
But don't go away.
On the other hand, Adele...
the woman I'm suppose to be married to...
she is the absolute right woman for me.
Lucky Adele.
Except I don't wanna...
devour every inch of her flesh...
the way I want to do right now.
- Know what I'm talking about? - Shut up, Charley.
Oh, you smell so good.
It's Benny. I've got to answer it.
Forget about him.
You gotta let me up.
He'll kill us both if I don't answer.
Hello.
Hello? Benny, hi!
No, I was just working out on the floor.
I just...
I know you'll be home in a few days, and I...
just wanted to get in shape for you.
Me, too, babe. Oh, with my heart.
Okay, sure. Bye.
- He has somebody new, all right. - Forget about him.
She was workin' out on the floor.
What did this guy look like?
Pretty, flashy smile.
A country club shithead.
This is very disappointin' to me.
You know what I mean?
Ooo. You're an animal.
You leave some pretty good teeth marks, yourself.
That girl you're marrying? What's her name?
Um...
Adele!
Tell her she's going to have a short, but happy, life.
I once swung at a golf ball and thought I missed it...
until I look up and I see it climbing in the sky...
two hundred yards away, still climbing.
And then it drops...
on the green two inches from the pin.
That is the only time I've ever felt...
anything perfect in my whole life...
until right now.
That's the first time I ever felt like a golf ball.
I've gotta see you again. We've gotta work it out.
That's not my problem, Charley.
Ah!
You'll have to take that up with Bugsy.
That's the first time you've ever called me Bugsy.
- Oh, my God. - Um...
- Well... - This is bad. This is so bad.
I couldn't see much, but it didn't sound good.
- Benny, listen to me. - Call me Bugsy.
Benny'd be an insult to me now.
Mr. Siegel, this is all my fault.
She turned me down at the bar.
I followed her car out here and broke into this room.
I forced her, I swear to God.
You know, I believe this to be true...
'cause Vicki would never do such a thing, not to me.
And so you won, huh?
Gee...
you must've ripped her clothes right off.
You dragged her into this bed, right?
- Right. - I bet she kicked and screamed.
She must have begged you! And you said what?
You said, "Shut up, baby, 'cause I'm takin' what I want."
Right. That's exactly what I said.
Is that right, sweetheart? Is that the way he did it?
Uh, yeah, I guess. I mean...
No, I'm... I'm so scared I don't know what to say.
Gee, this is some ordeal.
You know what I don't get?
- What's your name? - Charley.
What I don't get is why?
You knew she was my girl.
You knew what would happen if you got caught.
And you were that hot to trot?
You were that hot to get into her pants?
That what? Charley!
Well, I, uh... I, uh...
I must've been drunk... too much celebrating.
I was out here on my bachelor party.
Right. I heard that.
Gettin' married, huh? That's nice.
- Congratulations, Charley. - Thank you.
You must be as embarrassed about this as I am, right?
Yes, this... this is embarrassing.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you both get dressed...
'cause I think we have to talk.
Let's get an ice cream soda somewhere, shall we?
Hmm.
What'd you say your old man would pay for you, Charley?
Pay for me?
- You mean, as in ransom? - Naw.
This ain't no kidnap. This is a probable cement job.
Couple of million, you think?
I would like to avoid involving my father.
- He's very old, very sick. - I see.
But I'll give you whatever I have.
Then you're gonna pay for Vicki, too?
You two going Dutch?
- Come on. - Benny, I'm sorry.
- I really am sorry. - Oh, ho-ho.
Hey, baby, level with me.
Is he really an animal like you said?
Well, uh, that was just something to say.
- I mean... - Ha, ha, ha!
What's so funny, Charley?
- Oh, no. - I'm so scared!
I mean, I'm really...
I'm really scared.
I don't think I've ever been this scared...
in my whole life.
That's good. You just relax, buddy.
'Cause you'll stop laughing real quick.
Wake up.
Mr. Siegel has a job for you.
- Where are we? - My problem is this.
Vicki was on her way out anyway.
She was a good kid.
And I always figured I'd set her up...
a little business somewhere, a few bucks in her account.
Two years with Benny, huh, baby?
Entitles you to a little security, don't you think?
I'll make out, I swear.
On the other hand, if a guy screws my girl...
he's gotta pay for her.
So why not pay both bills at the same time?
Come here.
You marry her, Charley.
That takes care ofher security.
And she marries you.
Then I fucked up your life, 'cause she's no damn good.
Everybody gets something this way, see?
That's how I've run the biggest hotel in Las Vegas, Charley.
Bobby, you want to hit it?
You gotta be kidding me.
I can't marry her. I'm marrying somebody else.
I know, the Hollywood big shot's daughter.
After he reads the morning papers...
he's gonna cancel the caterers.
Vicki, come on.
Take the arm of your animal.
Come on.
- Step up to the altar. - This is crazy!
This is what?
- It's not that. We don't have a wedding license. - No.
It's okay. I own the chapel.
- We don't have a ring. - No, we don't.
Ah!
Uh, uh...
- What? - Can I see your hand?
Anything here with your size?
- Try this one. - That doesn't fit. I can tell by...
- Give me that one back. - That's not the one.
- I've got it on my finger. - That's mine.
- That's the one I give you. - This one isn't right.
We're just workin' out the ring thing.
Got it.
Do you, Victoria Rosemary Anderson...
take Charles for your lawful wedded husband?
I'm sorry, we can't hear in the back.
Speak up, dear.
Uh, she did.
And do you, Charles Raymond Pearl...
take Victoria to be your lawfully wedded wife...
for as long as you both shall live?
It... It's not that you're, uh...
I really think that you're, uh...
The thing is, that...
Yeah, I do.
- Did you hear that? - Perfectly.
With the power vested in me...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Hey, no kiss?
Where's the kiss?
We've seen the other stuff. We want to see a little kiss.
D
Rush it. I want to make that early edition.
No problem.
You know what, Charley?
I got a feeling one day you're gonna wish...
we gave you that cement job.
I just said to the guys yesterday...
"Hot always gets you into trouble."
When you're hot, you can bet it's gonna screw up your life.
I didn't rape you.
I just left the window open a little.
It's too bad you don't have the balls you had last night.
Did I blame you? It's my mistake.
- I'm the one that made the first move. - Gee, thanks.
Are you always gonna be...
this cheerful in the morning?
What mornings? This is the first morning and the last.
What I said last night was the truth.
It was the greatest experience of my life.
I want you. I just don't want to be married to you.
I cannot believe that I'm driving around...
in a brand-new Packard convertible...
married to a man worth millions, and I want to throw up!
I was the only one having a good time last night?
- Maybe. - Do you always moan, scream...
and drive your fingernails into somebody you're bored with?
No, I really had a terrific time last night.
It's just that I haven't been happy since we got married.
We'll get it annulled as soon as we get back to L.A.
Fast enough for you, lover boy?
No, we can do it quicker.
I have a lawyer in Palm Springs. We'll be there in 20 minutes.
Fine. Does breakfast go with that?
Look, I'll make good.
I'll come up with a settlement.
10, 20 thousand... whatever you want.
Don't treat me like a bimbo, Charley.
It's my wedding day.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to... I'm really sorry.
Oh, shit!
Wow!
I've never been on the front page before.
Could I have a few to send to my family?
"Heir forsakes studio princess for lounge singer."
Those'll do.
I wonder what it would cost to buy every copy in L.A.?
If she loves you, she'll wait for you.
Her father's probably waiting for me, too.
I wish I was dead.
Thanks.
Hey.!
- You coming? - I don't think so.
Where are you gonna go?
You don't have any money, a car, any clothes.
Come on. I'll set you up in L.A.
You know, you guys are all alike.
There are two things I'm gonna do from now on...
I'm gonna earn my own living...
and I'm gonna keep my window shut.
So long, Charley.
Three months!
You want Adele Horner to wait three months...
until you get annulled from some cheap, blonde bombshell...
bimbo cocktail waitress?
She's not a cocktail waitress. She sings with a band.
I've been trying to tell you...
we did not get married of our own free will!
We were kidnapped and forced to get married at gunpoint.
At gunpoint?
What is that, a new crime wave?
They grab people on the street and make them get married?
I warned you about him, didn't I?
Nobody gets forced to get married at gunpoint except hillbillies.
And you're no hillbilly, you pervert polo-playing goddamn playboy!
- Do I look stupid? Do I look like a schmuck? - No, sir.
Bugsy Siegel may be crazy. But stupid, he's not.
Those people out there kill for power, money!
But this thing he did for revenge.
For talking to his ex-girlfriend he might break your legs.
- You got broken legs, Charley? - No, sir.
What else did you do besides talk to her?
The rest of the story contains certain...
indelicacies which are best discussed among men.
Indelicacies?
We sent out 400 wedding invitations!
The governor and both senators are flying in from Washington!
On this morning's front page of the Los Angeles Globe...
is a picture of you...
Bugsy Siegel, and the bimbo getting married...
in some Las Vegas quickie wedding chapel.
On page 12 is the announcement of the engagement...
of my daughter to the same man...
whose fucking picture is on page one.
And you want to talk about indelicacies!
I can see you don't want to hear my side of the story.
They're laughing at me at every studio in town.
I make family pictures! Families bring their kids.
Children sing songs, and buy toy bunny rabbits...
and ducks that go "quack" in my pictures.
I'll break your ass, you fucking little shithead.
Get out of my house before I kick you out.
- I'm sorry, Adele. - Don't talk to him.
- You'll never forgive me. - She doesn't forgive you.!
- I'd like to explain it. - Get the fuck out of here!
I'm not going to give up, because I'm in love with you!
Mr. Horner, we'll talk.
You'd better start eating at home...
'cause you won't get into a restaurant in this city.
You won't get a table, a chair, a plate...
a piece of lettuce that dropped off the tray!
You're through in this town. You're a dead man.
In tomorrow's obituaries, I'm puttin' in...
"Died today, Charles Raymond Pearl.
"Cause of death...
a fucking flaw in his fucking character."
Dl just want to swing with you
- d Swing with you d - Take that down.
Charley.
This thing... it'll pass.
Maybe not in our lifetime, but it'll pass.
The guy's not eating.
- You gotta eat, Charley. - I'm not hungry.
He's not hungry.
You gotta get out more, Charley.
You can't stay cooped up on the patio...
Iooking out at the same panoramic view every night.
Forget it. No woman is worth starving for.
- Just another broad. - Adele Horner is no broad.
Thought you were thinking of Vicki.
Have you heard from her?
- Vicki? - No, Adele.
They won't put my calls through.
I hear she's in San Diego.
- Adele? - No, Vicki.
She's singing in some joint.
I just can't get that woman out of my mind.
Which one?
Excuse me, Mr. Charley.
There's a lady here to see you.
Even money, it's Adele.
I'll take a C-note on the songbird.
You got my letter?
I hate you so much...
because I'm still in love with you...
partly because you're so bad...
and partly because you're so honest.
I don't know another man who'd admit to his future wife...
that he'd slept with another woman...
six days before their wedding.
I think Mr. Siegel let you off easy.
If I had walked into that room and saw you in bed...
I would have shot you and her on the spot.
Especially her!
You go and write these loving things to me on "last page,"
and I don't know what to think.
Do you still want to marry me?
- Yes, Adele. - Why?
- I'm still in love with you. - Why did you sleep with her?
- You won't like my answer. - Say it anyway.
I just had to have her.
You're right, I hate it.
- Do you still see her? - No.
- Do you still want her? Don't lie. - No.!
A little, but it'll go away.
- Oh, Charley. - Marry me, Adele.
I'll never see her again. I'll stop wanting her.
- I swear. - You're still lying.
Not to me, but to yourself.
I'm going to Europe with my father for three months.
You should be free from that... person by then.
I'll be home on September 9th.
You can call me on September 10th.
Good-bye, Charley.
And so, Adele went to Europe to think...
and Charley buried himself in his work...
Well, playboy work. But his heartjust wasn't in it.
Heyyy!
Ah, shit!
If Adele didn't come home soon...
there wouldn't be much of Charley to come home to.
Then, finally it came... September 10th.
The morning line on Adele saying "yes" was eight to five.
I took the odds and bet on cupid.
So...
- did you miss Adele, Charley? - Yes, sir.
- Have you been behaving yourself? - Yes, sir.
You haven't been seeing anyone you shouldn't be?
Yes, sir. Sorry... no, sir.
I was young once myself, Charley.
And I also made some big mistakes in my time.
But I did everything I could to rectify those mistakes.
I understand.
It would take you 1200 years to rectify yours.
That's a long time to wait to start a family.
Yes, sir.
So here's the deal.
You get married one week from tonight...
a simple ceremony, no guests, quiet as a grave.
A retired judge will do it in my study.
The servants will be given the night off.
I'm takin' no chances on another scandal, understand?
Perfectly, sir.
One other item.
I want you to put up a half-a-million-dollar bond...
to be held in escrow.
At the end of the ceremony, it'll be returned to you.
If you don't show up, you'll be the generous benefactor of an orphanage.
- Is that acceptable? - It's not to me!
I don't think I should have to buy someone to marry me.
He's not being bought to marry you...
but he's paying up if he doesn't.
That's acceptable to me, sir.
A final item...
Not a word of this wedding to anyone.
- If there's a leak or rumor, it's off. - You have my word.
Put the check on the desk in my library.
Make it out to the Culver City Boys' Orphanage.
I regret using such foul language at our last meeting.
It was uncharacteristic of me.
I deserved it, sir.
I'll see you here one week from tonight.
If not, the next time you go on a honeymoon...
you'll go as a eunuch.
Okay, two nights later...
Tony was opening at the St. Tropez Club...
with a couple of new songs Sammy had written just for him.
It's a big night for everybody, very big.
- What happened with Adele? - Nothing much. She's fine.
I can't get a word outta this guy.
Charley, something's cooking. I can tell.
Nothing. I swear.
It's not my night. Everything's going wrong.
Tony's nervous 'cause the MGM people didn't show yet.
Then, the opening act cancels. Laryngitis.
- Honey, what a shame. - No opening act?
What's he need? 20, 30 minutes?
I would do this for Tony, nobody else.
Relax. They got somebody else. Just sit down.
Ladies and gentlemen, the management regrets...
Miss Amber Wayne will be unable to appear...
but delights presenting in her first Los Angeles appearance...
Miss Vicki Anderson.
Jesus.
You know what the odds are on this happening?
Impossible to one.
♪ Every honey bee ♪
♪ Fills with jealousy ♪
♪ When they see you out with me ♪
♪ I don't blame them goodness knows ♪
♪ Honeysuckle rose ♪
♪ Don't cry
♪ Sugar ♪
♪ You just have to touch my cup ♪
♪ You're my sugar
She looks familiar.
Charley, isn't that... Ow!
Charley, I didn't know it was gonna be her.
- I gotta get outta here. - And miss Tony's opening?
- He'll never forgive you. - If Lew Horner finds out that she and I are in the same club...
he's gonna call the whole thing off.
- Call what off? - That's it! I knew it.
- You and Adele are getting married. - Not unless I beat it now!
Tell Tony I got sick.
- What's wrong with him? - Slight heart attack.
♪ You just have to
♪ Touch my cup
♪ You're my sugar
♪ It's sweet
♪ When you stir it up
♪ When I'm taking sips from your tasty lips
♪ Seems the honey fairly drips
♪ You're confection
♪ Goodness knows
♪ Honey... suckle rose
Mmm-yeah.
Good. She's very good.
There wasn't a window, so I decided to use the door.
So how are you?
I'm okay.
I see you didn't have any trouble...
getting back on your feet.
I really shouldn't be here talking to you.
It usually gets us in trouble.
Oh, God.! I'm so clumsy.!
Let me help you with that.
I guess I shouldn't tell you this either...
but I'm supposed to be... getting married...
on Tuesday.
Well!
Good for Adele.
She hung in there.
Yeah.
So how 'bout you?
- Charley... - I mean, are you seeing anybody?
I've only been annulled two weeks.
What's the rush?
Yeah.
Tony's gonna kill me if I don't see the show.
Your life is always being threatened...
isn't it, Charley?
I really gotta go.
I just wanted to drop by and say hello.
The real reason I came by was to see...
if I could be around you and still want to get married.
I guess I'm reasonably safe.
Well, you know how I like to see you happy, Charley.
Well...
bye.
- I was just thinking... - I was just thinking...
Me, too. What?
If you weren't going to be too long...
maybe I could... give you a ride home.
I have a car.
Mine's bigger.
♪ You... you're driving me crazy
♪ What did I do baby, whatever did I do
♪ My tears for you
♪ They make everything hazy
♪ Clouds in the sky that usedto be blue
♪ How true
♪ Were the friends who were near me to cheer me
♪ Believe me they knew but you
♪ Were the kind who wouldhurt me
♪ Desert me when I needed you
♪ Yeah, you baby, you
♪ You're driving me crazy
♪ What did I do did I do to you
♪ How true
♪ Were the friends who were near me to cheer me
♪ Believe me they knew but you
♪ Were the kind who would hurt me
♪ Desert me when I needed you
♪ Yeah, you, yeah, yeah, yeah, you
♪ You're driving me crazy
♪ What did I do
♪ Tell me what did I do to you
♪ Please what did I do
♪ To you
Tony!
Oh, Jesus.
That just cost me a half-a-million bucks.
No, mister.
That... was just for old-time's sake.
I don't think so.
You know it and I know it.
It's gonna be like this for the rest of our lives.
When you walked away from me that day...
flat as a penny, without a red cent...
I couldn't believe it.
I said to myself...
"If I had a woman like that...
I would want to spend the rest of my life with her."
Charley...
do you really love me?
I mean, really love me?
'Cause when you walked out of my dressing room...
and I thought you were never coming back...
I wanted to die.
I do love you, baby.
I have never been this happy...
in my entire, spoiled, rotten life.
It was a beautiful wedding, even better than the first.
Better entertainment. I was the best man.
I did 40 minutes ofboffo material.
It was beautiful, not to brag.
Tony sang a song that Sammy wrote for the occasion called...
"The girl that I marry, then married."
The other girls, being single, naturally cried at the wedding.
Somewhere else in Hollywood...
someone was crying more than anybody.
He's dead! The man is dead.
I'll get pictures of him dead.
You can pin 'em on your wall and throw darts at them.
Last time, he tells us, he got married at gunpoint.
What did they have this time? A cannon?
Mr. Pearl?
We're almost done packing. I'll call you to pick up the bags.
We got a going-away gift for you...
from a friend.
Wait a minute, fellas.
If he can pay you, I'll pay you double.
He already paid us double.
Charley?
Aaah!
Daddy, don't kill him.
Maybe he'll change his mind again.
What the hell did he see in you in the first place?
Where are we goin', fellas?
Charley, Charley!
Charley? Charley?
I'm sorry about the honeymoon, Vicki.
Huh?
I said, "I'm sorry about the honeymoon."
Oh, that's okay, honey.
This is the second time you haven't had one.
What did you say? I can't hear you.
- Excuse me. - Oh! Oh, they're beautiful.
What is this?
Flowers from the Culver City Boys' Orphanage.
Oh, Jesus.
Tomorrow morning at 8:00...
I start to take swimming lessons.
I lose Esther Williams at the end of the picture, but what the hell?
Original score by Frank Loesser...
- additional songs by Sammy Fine. - That's great, Sam.
- It gets greater. - Me...
Fred Astaire and Rita Hayworth in one picture.
- Co-Starring? - Better, I play a funny taxi driver.
I got one dynamite scene...
and let Fred and Rita carry the heavy plot. I'm no dope.
- Terrific, fellas. - Let's not forget George.
Cincinnati's won four games in a row!
And Charley's got Vicki. Everyone finishes in the money!
I gotta call Vicki. She had an audition at Paramount.
I wanna see how she made out.
I could tell him. Nobody's hiring wives of Charley Pearl.
The irony is, if he'd married Adele...
- Vicki would be working today. - Tell him.
He loves stories about irony.
Charley?
Charley, guess what?
They want to test me at Monogram Pictures.
It's not a werewolf picture.
It's a really big musical!
Oh, oh!
I've got to learn two songs by Wednesday.
I've got to take some really fast dancing lessons.
Charley, if I could just show them what I can do.
What's wrong?
I'm leaving for Boston in two hours.
My father had a stroke.
They don't think he's gonna last out the week.
Charley.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I never thought about him dying.
He didn't seem the type, you know what I mean?
Did you talk to him?
No, not really. He's on oxygen.
Just a couple of words.
What did he say?
He said he wants to meet you!
He said he's not going anywhere 'til he meets his daughter.
Even after everything he's read about me?
Especially.
I'll tell him that you wanted to go.
I'm going with you.
I'll start packing.
I'll call Monogram. They'll postpone the test.
No, it doesn't matter.
There were ten other girls. It was a long shot anyway.
I'll make it up to you. I swear.
Hey, I'm just glad he wants to meet me.
When they got to Boston...
Charley's father was in a coma.
Well, they watched and waited...
and waited and watched for five solid days...
just for the old man to meet Vicki.
Honey, is it okay if I go to the bathroom?
Yeah, sure.
I'll be right back.
Where... is she?
- Where is she! - Vicki!
- Where is she? - Vicki, hurry up!
What?
You missed him.
So Charley lost his father...
and Vicki lost the part at Monogram.
The girl who got it? Bugsy Siegel's new girl...
the one he dumped Vicki for.
You know the odds on that? You couldn't place the bet.!
- I'm real sorry he never got to meet you. - Yeah.
He had a real nice face...
so... gentle.
Well, he was in a coma.
When are we going home?
I've got some business to take care of.
I am the president of the company now.
When can we leave?
I don't know. I'd say in about two years.
After that, we'd only have to spend seven or eight months a year here.
Two years?
Honey, the company isn't doing well.
If I don't go to work, we could lose everything.
Two years!
You've got to give me at least a year and a half.
If a picture comes up, you go to L.A. And do it.
Pictures don't come up in Boston.
You don't get to do screen tests in Massachusetts...
or meet directors or producers on Plymouth Rock!
I had a hard enough time getting into the studios when I was there every day.
- Why was that, Charley? - It's a tough business.
Especially when you're married to the guy who dumped Adele Horner.
Right. And who did I dump her for?
Isn't that worth two years of your life?
Is it a torture to live in a place like this?
This is high society. It doesn't get any higher.
I just want a chance to do it on my own.
I can understand that.
All I want is what's coming to me.
- Don't touch me. - You're good at singing.
I'm very good at inheriting money.
I may be the best in my field.
I just don't want to be without you.
I'll leave it up to you. Whatever you decide is fine.
You know I can't be without you two years.
Oh, God!
So they stayed...
and Vicki began the pleasant process of fitting into Boston.
A lot of parties, new clothes, a lot ofhats.
I recall she mentioned hats.
Meanwhile, Charley became obsessed with saving the family business.
He was determined to make the old man proud.
Vicki spent her nights alone waiting for Charley.
He was very busy.
He was making major important business decisions.
It needs a little more mint, guys.
Vicki, darling, how long have you been here?
Vicki, darling?
Oh, ah, two years. We've been here two years.
Carl and I were married two years...
when our sex life died.
We had a small funeral. It was lovely.
- Charles is having an affair with his secretary. - What?
Oh, no, no, darling.
My Charles, not your Charles.
Oh! I didn't think...
Everything is all right with you two, isn't it?
Oh, absolutely. We're fine.
He's just a little busy.
- Busy? - "Just have to finish these reports, dear."
- Hi. - Hi.
Whatcha doing?
I gotta get through these reports.
How much longer?
Couple of hours.
Oh, Charley!
I miss you so much.
I miss you, too, baby.
How does that feel?
That feels great, baby.
Do you know where my hand is?
Not now, okay. Maybe later.
Not later, Charley. Now!
Ow!
What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with us?
What's happening to us?
Nothing's happening.
- Exactly. Nothing. - What are you talking about?
Where's that crazy feeling you used to have about me?
Where is it, Charley?
Oh, come on, baby.
- It's gone. - No, it's not.
Don't lie.
Well, a little, but it'll come back.
This happens to everybody.
Charley, we don't even touch each other anymore.
Remember how you used to love to touch me?
I still do.
No, you don't, Charley.
We've been here two years.
Get us out of here before it kills us. Please!
You can't expect me to walk away from such an important part of my life.
I did.
The board of directors is trying to squeeze me out.
I've put everything we own into the stock options.
If I leave now, we'll lose everything.
If you stay, you'll lose me.
I kept my side of the bargain.
What's it gonna be, Charley?
Christmas, 1950, was not a happy time for Charley Pearl.
They were divorced for the second time.
Somewhere fate was laughing.
Then spring arrived and tragedy struck one of our own.
Sammy announced he was getting married.
So we drove back to the Pick-A-Daisy Ranch.
Bugsy Siegel had been bumped off.
We figured Nevada was now safe. Even Charley made the trip west.
- Boy, was he a load oflaughs. - Somebody cheer Charley up.
- He's givin' me the creeps. - Leave the man alone. He's grieving.
I can't believe I'm getting married.
- Why'd you say "yes"? - I don't know.
I think she had a hypnotist over while I was sleeping.
- What do you think about Adele? - What?
She eloped to Mexico with her chauffeur.
Lew Horner cut her off without a cent.
You are kidding me!
They say two out of four marriages ends in divorce.
The other two are suicides! But l... Hey!
- I wonder where she is now. - Adele?
- In Mexico with the chauffeur. - No, Vicki!
- Haven't played that in years! - I was crazy about that woman.
- Vicki. - Right.
Then one day it stopped. Just like that. Why?
Why? Because you're a man, Charley.
And men are crazy, fucked up sons-of-bitches.
We want what we can't have, and when we have it we don't want it anymore.
- Look at him. - Look at me, going to a whorehouse...
so I can get hot for my wife on our honeymoon...
who I already shtupped twelve hundred times.
We're all nuts!
- You're not the first. - What?
- Lots of guys shtupped your wife twelve hundred times. - I did.
See? The first person we asked.
- That is not funny. - What is not?
- Hey, slow up. Just slow up. - What for?
- Aw, no. - I don't believe it.
- Are you serious? - Do you know...
what the odds are on this happening? Predictable.
- Just one drink. - No, no.
Every time we stop for a drink, you gotta get married.
I just want to wish her good luck.
Tie it on a rock and throw it through the window.
♪ I'm so glad that I ain't no fool no more
God, she still looks great, huh?
Oh, well, I don't mean that great.
She looks good. Nice. Regular.
♪ My ma wants me to marry a multimillionaire
♪ But I just want somebody who can handle me with care
So now you seen her, don't look anymore.
Remember that story in the Bible?
You're gonna turn into a box of salt.
It's a Biblical story. You can check.
It's over, finito, kaput, huh?
- Fellas, let's go. - We didn't order no champagne.
- Compliments of Mr. Denaro. - Who's Mr. Denaro?
Number-one man at the hotel.
Look at this. It went from Bugsy to crazy.
Pal, tell Miss Anderson to join us for a glass of champagne...
Shh! After this set is over.
Miss Anderson doesn't drink with guests.
Hey, hey, pal, this is not a guest.
This is Charley Pearl. He was both her husbands.
I'm sorry. Mr. Denaro's orders.
She's taken up with Gus! I should've known...
that these cheap Vegas punks were always her style.
Charley, this girl had a shot at the big leagues...
- but could not hit the fastball. - He's not wrong.
♪ I don't care if you're young of if you're old d
- Let's get outta here. - Smart.
Her face is gettin' a little puffy, you notice?
On my mother's life, I was gonna say that, but I was afraid to.
She put on a few pounds in the hips. You notice the hips?
In two years you couldn't fit her into a freight elevator.
I thought she had sandwiches in her mouth.
You got rid of her just in time, Charley.
- Hey, where's Charley? - He stopped at the john.
Alone?
- Why didn't you go with him? - I don't go unless I gotta do something.
- What's the matter with you? - Hey, be careful!
Bye.
So this is what you left Boston for?
- I thought you gave me up for something better than this. - I like it here, Charley.
So, how's the toothpaste business?
You having fun thinking up next year's flavors?
At least that's next year's. You went back to last year's.
You like working with Gus as much as Bugsy?
Excuse me while I get my divorce papers to see...
where it says you have the right to ask me personal questions.
I don't have to be married to you to be worried.
- Ten seconds and then I call the boys. - The boys?
Oh, that's cute. What's happening to you?
Is Gus the one slipping in your side window...
or does he still have a key to the front door?
Nobody's laid their hands on me...
since the day you stopped laying your hands on me.
Now get your hands off me.
I don't know how that happened...
but you changed on me.
And who changed me, Charley?
If you wanted Adele...
why didn't you marry her in the first place...
- or the second? - I made a mistake.
But I gave you enough money not to have to play...
a crummy place like this!
All right, maybe it is over between you and me.
Maybe?
You can go to the casino and bet on it!
I just don't want you to throw your life away, understand?
I've already thrown away two years...
giving dinner parties for 22 dead people.
- You really are a tramp. - You loved the tramp in me!
You kissed it good-bye when you made me raise my pinky holding a teacup.
You won't make me ashamed of myself!
I can't be bought by you or anybody.!
I can't believe you did...
What the hell are you doing? Jesus Christ.! Wait.!
You wouldn't dare? Okay, come on.
Come on. I dare you.!
Come on.!
I can't believe you did that!
All right, wait.!
I'm going, but I'm taking you with me!
Aaah! Stop!
Oh!
You ripped my dress!
Owww!
This is cute, really cute.
Ah, ah...
Why is it you don't ever seem to listen, huh?
Didn't you hear the waiter?
You need my permission to see the star.
Gus, why don't you go out to the bar...
and try to look like Bugsy.
Once I was nice enough to give you a warning. I'm not that nice anymore.
Who's your tailor, Gus?
This suit looks like the lining to a better suit.
You're a funny guy.
Don't, don't! He's leaving.
Come on.
Hey, count to three before I go, Gus.
Can you count that high, Gus?
- Charley, just shut up. - You know what I hear, Gus?
- Keep talkin', playboy. - I hear you go to the cemetrey...
and kiss where Bugsy's ass used to be.
That's what Vicki told me, Gus. Ain't that right, honey?
No, Gus, stop it.! You're killing him.
I'm gonna ask one question. The answer better be "yes."
You ain't never gonna come around and bother Vicki.
- Is that right? - Yes, yes, he promises.
Is that right?
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, I hated doing that.
You idiot! You want to get us killed?
No, I was trying to get you fired!
Oh, whoa.!
Don't you guys ever grab anywhere else?
I'll bet he's already proposed to her.
Ooo.
Jesus, it's a massacre.
All right, somebody get Vicki out of here.
I'll do that. That'll be my job.
There are four of us and only one of you.
I think he likes the odds, George.
- They might need you. - They're much better off without me.
Believe me when I say that. This is, uh...
Not my forte.
Oh, my God!
That's not George. That's a good sound.
They're working it out, is what they are.
- Sweetheart, come with me. - Let's get outta here.
Watch the hair!
You should see what I did to that big palooka.
Let's go!
Thank you. We had a great ti...
It's God's curse on me for wanting to get shtupped again.
- Can't you pull down a side street? - It's all desert!
- Make a right. - There's no road there!
Just do it.!
Vicki, I can't see a damn thing.!
This is like looking for...
a ballpark in the minor leagues.
If there's a bus stop, I'd like to be let out.
- Make another right. - Where?
- Anywhere. - You can't make a right anywhere. It has to be somewhere.
Oh, God.
What are you doing?
- We got 'em, Gus. - Shut up.
- Hey, do we got 'em Gus? - Shut up.
Who got killed? Them or us?
Seriously.
The station doesn't open 'til 7:00. I got some rooms.
I'm surprised they took us without reservations.
This is where werewolves stop on camping trips.
They only had two. Good night.
- Give me that. - Five guys in one room?
In the minor leagues, the whole team sleeps in one room.
I get a bed.
Where were you?
I'm freezing. Close the window.
Oh, Vicki, baby.
- I missed you so much. - Stop right there.
Is it back? That old feeling...
that you'd go nuts if you don't get to touch me?
Yeah, it's back.
We have to talk first.
Stand over there.
What's changed, Charley? I still want to be a singer.
You still want to be chairman of the board.
Somebody's got to give up something.
I gave up my stock options.
I sold my house.
I left all that behind.
I went crazy without you, baby.
I took that job in Vegas...
'cause I knew it was the one place that you'd find me.
I never would've stopped looking.
Charley, this is a curse.
It's okay to love somebody...
but it's neurotic to think you can't live without them.
I read that in "Reader's Digest."
I want you back.
We'll live in L.A. You can sing, dance, act...
Whatever the hell you want, so long as we're together.
Please?
You won't regret it.
I promise, Charley.
Look at you.
Let's get married in the morning, baby.
Ah, shit, Charley!
- I don't want to get married again. - We've rehearsed twice.
We're practically professionals. What's the problem?
- Do you, Charles Raymond Pearl... - I do.
- Take Victoria to be your lawfully wedded wife? - I do.
Not yet. For as long as you both shall live?
- Now. - I do.
If the man says, "Can do," can do.
Do you, Victoria Rosemary Anderson...
take Charles to be your husband?
In sickness and in health? For better or worse?
Richer or poorer, so long as you both shall live?
I don't think she's comin' outta the gate.
The filly's nervous. Never a winner on this track.
Take your pitch and swing, baby.
I do.
With the power vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
This is the happiest day of my life.
I always love these days, too, Charley.
I really do.
Hey, atta boy, Charley.
The greatest comeback in marital history.
- Good luck, babe. - Thank you.
After Sherry and I get married, we're gonna get divorced.
- This is so romantic. - No.
And so the happy newly, newly, newlyweds...
drove off into the sunset...
where, you would imagine, they lived happily-ever-after.
Truth? They drove straight to a walnut grove in Culver City, California.
See, for the first time in his life, Charley had plans.
This is it.
This is what?
This is ours. 26 acres.
I bought it. It'll be finished in nine months.
- Charley, not another big house. - Not a house.
A movie studio. Pearl Productions.
I'm gonna make movies just for you, baby!
Oh, Charley...
- what do you know about making movies? - What's to know?
You buy a movie camera. I point the camera at you...
and America falls in love with you...
just the way I did.
Pearl Studios cost 15 million bucks.
Lucky coincidence. That's all the money Charley had left.
Nine months later, a star was about to be born.
Except... it came out a baby.
Unbelievable.
But it didn't stop production, no siree.
Because with hard work and perseverance...
11 months later they had another baby.
Finally, Charley found the right property for Vicki:
A big-budget musical extravaganza.
When Vicki heard the news, she was so excited...
she had twins.
Charley was never happier in his life.
He had Vicki, a family, a home.
Only he didn't have the studio, which went bankrupt.
There's an old saying in Hollywood...
"You can't make hits unless you make pictures."
Vicki got back to her singing...
this time to support the family.
Charley was finding out there were not a lot ofjob opportunities...
for ex-millionaire, playboy, toothpaste kings.
All the influential people he had known...
guys he had picked up countless tabs for...
now wouldn't give Charley the time of day.
DAfter all the things you told me
dAnd the promises that you gave
As Vicki's star climbed higher and higher...
Charley's crashed and burned.
1954 found the rest of us riding the tail of a comet.
Tony and me were starring with "La Hayworth."
Sammy had a hit musical on Broadway.
And George had Cincinnati in second place.
About a year passed, and another of our brave comrades fell.
Tony Madden, now MGM's biggest star...
was finally caught in that evil spider's web that traps us all...marriage.
He not only got the girl, he bought Lew Horner's house.
I'm telling ya, irony, irony everywhere.
I wonder if she knows it's a toupee.
- That's not his real hair? - It is, but when it fell out...
he had it made into a toupee.
- Look at these fool guys. - That's us seven years ago.
Do you think they'll make it as big as we did?
Nah, we're the last of our breed.
Isn't one of your friends missing, darling?
Charley Pearl and Vicki.
- They'll be here. Don't worry. - I hope nothing's wrong.
Nah! Probably just stopped off to have another kid.
Sorry I couldn't buy you a new dress for the party.
Charley, I've only had this a year and I've worn it twice.
I never thought a wife of mine would wear costume jewelery.
It's not even good costume jewelery.
You don't like this bracelet? I love it!
Who cares? It looks better than the real stuff anyway.
Let's not go.
It's gonna be boring, the same jokes, songs...
the same faces. I'm sick of these people.
These guys were more laughs when they were bums.
We've missed the last three parties.
You've gotta stop hiding from your friends, Charley.
- They're your friends. - I'm not hiding from my friends.
Okay. Never mind. Let's go.
Wait, what did you mean, "hiding from my friends"?
- Never mind! - Hey, I want an answer to my question.
- Just let go of it. - What did you mean?
- What did you mean by that? - It doesn't matter, Charley!
You just...
you just had a little run of bad luck.
"A run of bad luck"?
I've had a fucking marathon!
- Why don't you go to the party by yourself? - No.
There'll be a lot of successful people like you.
You can compare your reviews in "Variety,"
how many times your names have been in the columns.
Okay?
I didn't ask you to build the studio, Charley.
I didn't say "Make me a movie star."
I just wanted to sing, that's all!
- Why didn't you stop me from making an ass of myself? - What?
What the hell did I know about making movies?
- Huh? - I don't believe this.
- A husband and wife are supposed to look out for each other, right? - Yes.
Why didn't you stop me from writing all those checks...
to every creep looking for a lovesick sucker...
- which is what I am. Am I right? - You're not.
I pulled you out of that place in Vegas, didn't I?
You're never gonna let me forget, are you?
How you pulled me out of Vegas and made me respectable.
Then I work my ass off, gain a little self-respect while bringing up your kids.
But you can't take that, can you, Charley?
What do you want? Me to stay at home?
I can be a wife! I can be a bimbo!
It's your choice. What do you want?
No, no, no. I'm the bimbo here.
I mean, I'm a kept man.
- No, Charley. - Do you know where this party is?
This is in the house that Adele Horner lived in...
- a place where I was treated like a king once. - It doesn't matter.
There are waiters making more money at this party...
than I made all of last year.
I had my life going exactly the way I wanted.
- Shh. - That's what I gave up for you.
What did you say, Charley?
What you gave up for me?
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, where you going?
What you gave up for me, Charley?
I don't need you.
And I never want to see you again.
Ever!
You come back here.
Where do you think you're going?
Come back and get in this car. Do you hear me?
Come back, goddamn it. You owe me the rest of your life!
What about my kids?
I'm not giving up my kids!
I don't want my kids to have a revolving door as a father.
We have more anniversaries than we do birthdays!
I'm a great father. I love being a father.
Too bad you don't love being a husband!
Look at me, Charley. Look at me!
'Cause it's the last chance you're ever gonna get.
Goddamn you, Bugsy Siegel.
I hope you burn in hell.
And they got divorced a third time.
And Bugsy Siegel burnt in hell.
Charley knew he'd blown it.
He never made it to the party.
In fact, as 1955 became 1956...
none of us heard from or even about... Charley Pearl.
Vicki packed the kids in her van and moved up to San Francisco.
I never told you? That's where me and the guys found her.
♪ What good is money if your heart isn't light
She's singing with more... heart.
Know what I mean?
Yeah. It's called loneliness.
♪ When youth has its fling
- Jesus, I don't believe it. - What?
- Charley. It's Charley. - Holy Moses!
- You know what the odds are on this happening? - Even money.
♪ We have the right to laugh at them all
Come on. Let's go.
♪ Love is still king
♪ Love is the thing
Charley.
- Charley, it's us. - It's Tony.
Hey, fellas.
It's nice to see you.
Where you been, Charley?
I've been around.
- Around where? - What've you been doing?
I got into this new business they got up here.
What business?
- They're called computers. - Schmuck.
Shh.
Hey, does Vicki know you're here?
Yeah, I come in three, four times a week.
You two... you're not... together?
No, no.
She's a tough nut to crack, you know.
♪ lf we're rich or we're poor
Are you okay, Charley?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You been drinking, Charley?
Me?
Drinkin'? You know I don't drink.
Hey, fellas.
I wanna show you something.
Look at that.
Beauties, huh?
They all look like their mom.
♪ And here in your arms
Let me ask you fellas a question.
You think she'll like this?
It's a dazzler, Charley.
What's the occasion?
I'm gonna pop the question. What do you think?
- Tonight? - Yeah.
Charley, answer me something.
Why do you want to marry the same woman four times?
It fits.
♪ And even though our castles crumble and fall
♪ We have the right
♪ To laugh at them all
♪ For love is still king
♪ Love is the
♪ Thing
♪ Birds do it
♪ Bees do it
♪ Even educated fleas do it
♪ Let's do it Let's fall in love
♪ In Spain the best of the set do it
♪ Lithuanians and Letts do it
♪ Let's do it Let's fall in love
♪ The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
♪ Not to mention the Finns
♪ Folks in Siam do it think of Siamese twins
♪ Some Argentines without means do it
♪ People say in Boston even beans do it
♪ Let's do it Let's fall in love
♪ Electric eels I might add do it
♪ Though it shocks them I know
♪ Why ask if shad do it Waiter, bring me shad roe
♪ In shallow shoals English soles do it
♪ Goldfish in the privacy ofbowls do it
♪ Let's do it, let's fall
♪ Let's do it
♪ Let's fall in love
And they never got divorced again.
Vicki kept on singing her heart out.
And curiously enough, Charley's hunch about that computer thing...
actually paid off. Yeah.
He now owns a small county in northern California.
Well, they needed a big yard for all those kids.
Like Charley says, there are couples in love...
and there are couples who are hot.
And then there's him and Vicki.
They got both.
You know what the odds are on that?
Big... very big...
extremely very big.