d Tortilla chips are on my lips d
d And no one's pressed against my hips d
d Bad beat poet late at night d
d The city gets bright, l can't see d
d The neon lights don't work on me d
d l am no watcher in the fight d
d Charlie says d
d Nobody's got d
d A strange and hidden power and d
d No one is really beautifuI d
d They're all just d
d Mediocre men of the hour d
d Mediocre models of the hour d
d Mediocre men d
d You take me places and you make cool faces d
d When our sex erases d
d The lonely past d
d And you found me when I was first d
d And 10 against 1 1 men d
d Who could kick my ass d
d But anyway d
d It's probably d
d Gonna pass. d
Barry, are you awake?
Honey, just relax.
Doctor says everything's gonna be just fine.
Until that day,
l couldn't imagine living for anything other than women.
You see, there's a moment that exists
at the edge of sexual success
for which there is no equal--
the addictive seconds just after uncertainty
and immediately preceding touching the gold.
It's Christmas.
It's with this in mind
that l relate the events leading to
the involuntary removal of my testicIes.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. No, that's gonna be great.
We can do that.
l don't know how you do it, Lucy.
Do what?
Look like a model.
A supermodel, actually.
A super-duper model.
Hey, l don't know what you got goin' on later,
but I was thinkin' of hittin' the happy hour
over at ChiIi's. Got a workout partner--
l don't date people at my workpIace.
Who said date? TGIF.
Maybe not--
maybe not Chili's.
Everpea has got this really rad nacho bar.
Why don't you date people at your work?
l just don't.
You just...
You're probably right.
You're smart. It's a smart idea.
You got beauty and brains.
You guys faII in Iove, and then have babies.
Beautiful babies with blue eyes.
TGlF.
AII right. What's up, Denise?
- Hey, you don't like nachos? - Mm-mm.
No no no. l do!
Nacho time for me!
d My dossbag, my sack d
d The family bling-bling d
d When I'm jumpin' up and down d
d On my trampoline d
d To the beIIy button and a slap to the taint d
d Rushin' to my head, l think I'm gonna faint... d
- What's up? - Where you been?
Thought l had a possibility.
My tires are stinky.
What?
That's a catchphrase, somethin' I'm workin' on.
- How we lookin'? - Shit, place is a hatchery. It's stupid.
- l wanna be an architect. - Whoa, over there.
See it? Dress suit, sneakers. Work hard, pIay hard.
l could go back to school, be an architect. PeopIe Iike architects.
Dude, what are you talkin' about?
You make really good money at yourjob.
l just-- l just--
l don't think insurance is, Iike, aII that interesting,
you know, as a lifestyle.
- Whoa. - Caught 'em peekin'.
- You ready? Let's rock 'n' roll. - Sweet.
Hey, so if they ask, I'm gonna tell 'em I'm an architect.
Oh hey, teII 'em l work with kids.
Hold these.
No no, seriously, l used to get beat up
like twice a week for having such thick eyelashes.
- ls that your card? - Oh, no.
All the way to the seventh grade, and that's when l decided
that's it, and l went for my black belt.
ls that your card?
- No. - No.
- That's so sad. - Yeah.
- I'd kiII for those. - Well, now yeah, sure.
- ls that your card? - Yes!
Oh my God, that is incredible!
That's what we do.
Oh my God.
How'd you do that?
Come on.
Did you have that in your mouth the whole time?
What is that?
Oh, it's my kitty cat.
Mmm, it is sparkly and beautifuI.
Thanks.
Are you a cat person?
l love cats.
- Yeah? - Meow.
- l love pussy... - What?
...cats too.
Excuse me,
you want me to close out your tab, sir?
Sir? Somebody's dad show up?
Do you want me to put this on your daddy's card?
- Uh...
no, you can just close it out.
Awesome.
Fine.
Wow.
So what do you two do?
- We're architects. - Cool.
Wow.
l love buildings.
Barry...
I'm married.
We couId just mess around here if you want.
Okay.
d Who's the coolest guy in the worId? d
d His name is Barry d
d Barry Munday d
d The coolest dude I know d
d Barry Munday d
d The coolest dude I know d
d Know know d
d He's sweet and he loves the ladies d
d 'Cause he's the baddest mofo d
d Of all time d
d 'Cause he's a sweet, sweet dude d
d And he knows how to rock 'n' roll. d
l don't know.
Thank you.
Hi.
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, sure.
Sir?
Okay.
- Can l help you? - Yes, please.
Coffee.
No Duds. That's my candy.
- I'll have a soda. - Okay.
Dos.
It's ridiculous how much soda costs these days, right?
Like, what do l buy,
soda or a sofa?
Yeah.
Well, it was nice taIkin' to you.
- You don't want to sit with me? - Well, uh...
l guess.
I'm a down front kind of guy.
No no no no. Seven rows from the back,
and four in from the left.
That's pretty specific.
Yeah, it's sort of OCD, but screw it.
l like what l like, you know what l mean?
Yeah, I do. l almost always,
after I cIick my Iock a couple times on my door--
So, Barry, what do you do?
Architecture.
Hmm.
Barry,
if l told you right now
that you wouId never ever ever
get your hand down my pants,
would you still talk to me?
Talk about what?
Hey, uh...
What the hell's goin' on?
Dad, what are you doing here?
Dad? Sir...
l do remember thinking
why wouId a dude bring a trumpet into a movie theater?
Barry?
Barry, can you tell us what happened?
We were taIking about architecture.
Barry, I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you,
but we couldn't save them.
Save who?
Oh, Barry, your testes.
Testicles. We had to remove both.
We really tried to save the left one,
but it was simply too ruptured.
lt seems that during the accident with the...
- Uh, trumpet. - ...trumpet.
What are you saying?
You're saying l lost my what?
Amnesia.
- Did l lose my... - Whoa.
- ...you know? - Penis?
- No.
You really don't remember what happened to you down there?
We were taIking about architecture.
Get out of there.
This is kinda Iike when you had your tonsils out.
Well, kinda.
Alone... d
d On my own... d
Oh honey, that's binding.
d l don't know nothin'... d
Thanks, Mom.
d Must be stupid or somethin'... d
d About love. d
l wore that on Saturday night, right?
and I'm standing outside, and aII these guys
were Iike looking at me,
and they're like, "Best habitat ever."
Where have you been, mister?
- Lida, l-- - ReIax.
l forgive you.
l guess l forgot to mention my girlfriend Lida Griggs
was out of town when the incident occurred.
It's a Iong story, but we don't see each other
for sometimes weeks or months at a time.
l need to borrow your alarm clock.
Pretty sure we don't really like each other.
Let's go, lover.
We're going to try something new today, lover.
Lida, ah, why don't we just watch a movie?
Shh.
- Lida, I-- - All tight?
Yeah.
But we should taIk first.
Why don't we start by talking about...
this?
l found it in your car when l was looking
for my Iavender and vanilla body souffle.
Lida, listen--
- ls it true? - Um...
- Did you show her your penis? - What?
- You whore! - No, Lida--
- Did you let her play with this? - Stop.
l had an accident.
Barry, l don't know what all of this is,
but Peaches and l have no sympathy for cheating asshoIes.
And if you think the love l give you
is aII fun and games,
well...
you had better sleep with one eye open, mister.
Can you untie me?
Come, Peaches.
Barry honey, it's Mom.
l picked up your hormone pills at the pharmacy.
Honey?
Barry, l hope it's okay, but l brought Janice with me
- from my Latin dance symposium. - Hi, Barry.
Excuse me, Lonnie?
Talk to you later.
Hey, um...
l was wondering if l could take a leave of absence.
Um, l had a... with a...
and um...
just wonderin' if l could take a few days off.
It's aII I'm thinkin'-- just time to get, you know.
Basically, l have some family issues.
Now, first of all Barry, you're lying.
I've been in this business for 40 years
and l can always tell the difference.
You don't have any family issues, do you?
Well, l have--
Well, you're just lazy.
You know, you sit in your office
pretending to be on the telephone,
shuffling papers all day,
and every hour or so you get up and walk
around Lucy's desk like a four-balled tomcat.
And what's worse,
you don't even care enough to cover it up.
Also,
it's just my opinion, but...
I don't think men should wear makeup.
See you tomorrow, Barry.
Okay.
You have one message.
- Yo, Mundo,
you know who it is. Where the hell you been?
Shit, bro, listen,
you'II never guess where l am right now.
Regional Air Guitar Semifinals.
So, l was thinkin',
if l make it onto the finals,
maybe you could use a IittIe ta-da,
we raise a glass down at the Beaver Tree.
Titty bar bush, baby.
Be there, or be a fuckin' tool.
Later!
- End of messages.
"Dear Mr. Munday,
l have been retained to represent the interests
of Miss Ginger Farley.
Miss FarIey beIieves that you are the father
of her unborn child conceived on or about February 1 1th.
I have been retained to establish paternity,
and to obtain a child support order
consistent with our state's rules ofjudicial administration.
lf you wish to admit paternity,
l can draft all necessary documents.
If you wish to deny paternity,
I wiII seek an order of the court for DNA testing.
Please contact me within 10 days.
Sincerely, Newton Creech, Attorney at Law."
Ginger Farley?
Who the fuck is Ginger Farley?
Mr. Munday, Newton Creech here.
Hi. Yes sir, um,
weII, I got your letter.
Yes you did.
First off, this Ginger Farley,
how does she know that I'm the father of the baby?
l mean--
weII, yeah, how does she know?
That's an easy question.
According to Miss Farley, she has had intercourse
one time in her entire life--
with you, on February 1 1th of this year.
lt wasn't hard for her to figure it out.
Wow. Okay.
Where did we meet,
me and Miss Farley?
Let's not play games, Barry.
lf you want to play games, pIease, go hire a Iawyer.
No, sir, I'm not playing games.
l just--
Hey, just wanna make sure the baby's mine, right?
Um, I mean, I'II take a blood test voluntarily.
Do you really have no recollection
of your sexual encounter with Ginger FarIey?
Because Mr. Munday, l find that really hard to believe.
Ah, so...
could we meet,
Ginger Farley and l?
Maybe coffee, or pastry?
Wow. You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna teII Ginger you'd like to meet her somewhere
and she can call you. How's that?
That'd be great. Okay.
You know, Mr. Munday, they say one man's burden
can be another man's happiness.
Thank you.
It's strange, l honestly can't explain
why it only occurred to me just now,
l end with me.
No more Mundays.
I'm it, the very last.
That thought rose slowly to the surface of my mind,
and on top of everything else.
l guess it never seemed important before.
Marriage? No thank you.
Children? They smell,
and grow up to hate you and take your money.
Sure, l grew up without a father.
Maybe that colored my outlook on life, l don't know.
All l know is l once had options.
My balls were great.
l was great.
I'm pretty sure I was great.
Line 1 , a Ginger Farley.
Good luck.
What does that mean?
Shee-ee...
Why'd you want to meet me, Barry?
Ginger.
It's good to see you.
ls it?
Yes.
This is familiar.
This is where we met, Barry.
Right over there.
- You want to sit down? - No.
Yeah.
So, how far along are you?
Well, on February 1 1th,
a few moments before midnight,
your little sperm army stormed my pink beach.
So, you count the days.
Newton said you had no memory of our sex.
He did?
What an asshole.
Right.
No, you-- you're an asshole.
Ginger, l don't mean to offend,
but are you totally,
100%, absolutely, positivo sure
that the baby's mine?
You little shit-eater.
l am weak one night,
one night, and with a shit-eater like you.
God knows why,
and now you want to sit here
at Snatchers and ask me crap?
Yes, Barry, I'm "positivo" the baby is yours.
And you're not going to run away from your responsibility.
Do you mind if l touch it?
l don't know why l said that.
Touch what?
Your belly,
touch where the baby is.
Ooh!
I'll have Newton call you,
and he'll go over the paternity test,
and the paternity acknowledgement forms.
That is, if you decide to sign them.
Goodbye, Barry.
- Goodbye. - Asshole shit-eater.
It's great seeing you again.
d Night will follow day d
d Sure as the sun and moon d
d Remember l will always d
d Be with you d
d lf I'm out of words to say d
d And l understand you d
d When you see a darkness coming through... d
- d Remember to keep warm d
- d Take shelter from the storm... d - Newton Creech's office.
d The night will not last for much more d
d l wrote in a small note d
d "Put on your winter coat d
d A cold wind will blow through your door"... d
Hi. Newton Creech, please.
d Night will follow day... d
- Why did you play this? - Oh. What?
Oh, right, I'm supposed to believe it's just a coincidence
that they're playing our song right when I waIk in?
d Remember l will always be with you... d
What's this?
The paternity agreement forms. AII signed.
- You're not gonna take the-- - Yeah, l don't need to take a test.
Why not?
Because l know.
You know?
Yeah. l feel it.
You feel it?
Yes.
l got you a drink. It's virgin.
Very funny, Barry. What do you want from me?
I don't kn-- nothing, l just--
What did you want from me?
- Do you think I'm after money? - No.
You don't think that if you were there for the passion of our sex
that you should be accountable and take responsibiIity
for this little miracle that we made?
No, I'm saying l want to take responsibility here.
- This isn't all my fault! - Why are you yelling at me?
Shit-eater.
Ginger, I'm saying l want to be a part of this,
like a real dad, you know?
With dedication--
financially, spiritually, morally.
Look, l don't have to be in your life.
You and l don't have to be, you know...
ahh... but for the baby,
l think we should be friendIy, friends.
Friends.
Cheers.
So, do we know if it's a boy or a girl
from the x-ray?
We call that a sonogram, and no, l haven't found out.
l don't want to know.
How's the drink?
It's awfuI. This straw is ridiculous.
So, can l touch the baby?
Can l touch your belly now?
Can l go to the doctor with you?
Don't get the wrong idea, Barry.
You're still a shit-eater.
Hey.
Green Insurance, Barry Munday speaking.
Why don't you ask her if you can have a squirt?
Ginger Farley? Come on back.
Yeah.
So, don't ask me why, but my parents want to meet you.
They want you to come to dinner tomorrow night.
Oh.
It's stupid, so-- l mean, it's not my idea.
lf you don't want to go, I'II just teII them
that you don't want to go and that'll be the end of it.
No, I'll go.
My parents won't like you.
Why not?
They just won't.
Knock-knock.
- Hi. - Hey, Ginger, how're we feeling?
Well, my feet are swollen,
l pee 2,000 times a day,
l haven't taken a shit since Tuesday,
and my nipples are Iike bIack.
Okay. Good, let's see here what we have.
Oh, we have a possibIe due date of December 10th.
Sweet.
Yeah.
So, you still thinking of having the water birth at home?
- Yeah. - What's a water birth at home?
l want to have the baby submerged in water,
naturaIIy, and beautifully.
Do you mean like in your tub?
Actually, we use a little wading pool with warm water.
The midwife is in there for natural childbirth.
l think it's great.
It's beautiful, and Dr. Shriver thinks it's great.
Yeah, okay.
Um, Dr. Shriver,
I'm Barry Munday. I'm the father.
l was-- basically, l was just hoping
l could ask a few questions, if you don't mind.
Okay, ask away.
AII right, um , well,
will l be allowed to participate in the birth?
I'd like to be there to help with the baby when it comes out.
Absolutely. You and the midwife wiII be side by side.
Just listen to her,
watch the videos, and take the classes.
Okay, awesome.
Um, are there any foods that Ginger shouldn't eat?
l read somewhere that pregnant women shouldn't eat bleu cheese.
Are you retarded?
l never heard the one about the bleu cheese.
l heard that sometimes women poop,
like during the birth.
It's natural.
Um... oh!
I read onIine that it was possible
for doctors to identiry patients by their vaginas.
Did you hear that?
l was just curious.
Good luck to you, son.
- Yeah, it's not important. - No.
Ginger, I'll see you next week.
Okay, well,
l guess, uh--
So, tomorrow night.
For what?
Dinner with my parents.
- Right. - Jesus!
No-- it's awesome.
So, hey...
Good night, Barry.
That's cooI. I'm really tired.
Hi.
Okay.
This is our second child,
and while my wife knows
that she won't fit into her old clothes,
she's still beautiful.
And it's my job to tell her
that she looks amazing all the time.
Hi, beautiful. Hi.
Which I try to do as regularly as possible.
Hi.
You're early.
What?
Uh, l don't want you to take this the wrong way,
but that dress doesn't do you justice.
That's interesting, Barry.
You didn't seem to have a problem with this dress
the night you pulled it off my body and had sex with me.
So, I've been kickin' around some names.
The baby already has a name.
What is it?
lf it's a boy, Haywood.
- Haywood? - Mm-hmm.
Haywood Munday?
- Don't be stupid. - What?
The baby's last name won't be Munday.
Why not?
Because we're not married, idiot.
l-l-- but I'm the father.
- So? - So--
Come on, l mean, l--
l stepped up to the responsibility.
One trip to my doctor to ask him
about his other patients' vaginas is not stepping up.
Yeah, but it's our baby, right?
It's yours and mine, right?
I mean I'm here, Ginger. I'm the father.
Fine, fine!
Fine.
The baby won't have a Iast name.
lt'll just be Haywood.
No, that-- just Haywood?
l don't think you can do that IegaIIy, can you?
Why not? Lots of famous people in history only have one name.
Moses.
Cleopatra.
Calvin.
- Who's Calvin? - Jesus.
So, if the baby only gets one name,
why do you get to decide?
Why?
'Cause this baby's in me, not you.
Because every minute I'm making a human being, not you.
And because my tits feel like two ziplock bags
full of dried-up oatmeal. Do yours?
l don't think it's fair
to use my biological disadvantages against me.
You know I'd switch places with you if l could.
l would, seriously.
l go to work alone, I sIeep aIone,
but you get to experience a connection to this baby
l am completely excIuded from.
Just so you know, my parents think that you put drugs in my drink
and had intercourse with me while l was unconscious.
Honey, well...
This is for you.
Come with me, son.
- l want you to see a few of these trophies. - WonderfuI.
- Who's this? - This is our youngest, Jennifer.
Any pictures of Ginger?
Yeah...
No.
She doesn't like pictures.
Sit down, son.
So, Mr. Munday,
we've got ourselves a bit of a situation here, don't we?
Yes, sir. Um...
I-- I'm not sure what you've been told
concerning my actions.
Wait a minute.
Did you not tell my daughter that you wouId accept
full responsibility for being father of this baby, you shit-eater?
- Yes, um-- - Financially, morally?
- l-- - I'm sorry, but did you not say
that aII these things would be your actions, Mr. Munday?
I thought you-you were--
Nah, that's-- I thought you were talking about--
About what? Talking about what? What are you taIking about?
Uh, nothing.
Nothing?
Mr. Munday, Ginger is hardheaded,
and yes, unappreciative at times
of her family's love,
but she is my daughter.
Remember that.
Yes sir.
Good.
Oh, pumpkin farm!
Dinner's ready.
l expect you'll be Iooking forward
to continuing this later on, Mr. Munday.
Yes sir.
So, you're Barry the rapist.
Tell us about yourself, Barry.
This is the first time
Ginger has ever brought a man home to meet us.
Our Jennifer brings fellas home all the time.
But that's Jennifer.
I'm a slut.
You stop that.
She is not a slut.
She's graduating from business school
and she plays three instruments.
Jennifer is very very special... ed.
Ow.
Personally, l think this is nice for Ginger,
even though l don't approve of the way the two of you did your business.
- Mom-- - l blame myself.
I teII her it's not naturaI to be by herself all the time.
I've told her this since she was 14,
"You need to put on makeup, nice dresses,
show some pride, Iike Jennifer."
Leave her alone, Mom.
Let's ask Barry.
You like makeup, don't you?
- l-- - She does it for attention.
- l can't believe this. - Calm down.
AII I'm saying is, it's great to have Barry here.
He gets that.
l think Ginger's beautiful.
And personally, as the father,
l feel it's my role
to tell her she looks amazing all the time,
which l try to do regularly.
So, Barry, um, you were
teIIing my wife about yourself.
Oh, well, not much to tell, really.
l flirted with architecture for a whiIe.
l thought about getting into triathlons,
or relay races.
Been in insurance-- about a year.
Um...
it's good. It's really good.
- Where? - It's on Moorpark.
Green lnsurance.
Lonnie Green's a great friend of mine.
I'll call him,
arrange to have lunch, the three of us.
That would be great.
Get to know the new father a little bit.
That sounds good.
Well...
we're gonna have a baby.
That's wonderful.
Anyone like a gin and tonic?
So, where'd you two meet?
Snatchers.
l see.
l guess you knew Barry before the operation.
l guess so.
So, Ginger, mother to mother,
what is it that you want for this baby?
Besides healthy?
l guess l just want my chiId to feeI
loved and appreciated,
even if it's 180 degrees different from me.
l would be very proud to have a gay chiId.
So, where are we having this wonderful new addition?
St. Joseph's?
I'm having a water birth at home.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah, the doctor thought it was a great idea.
And it's natural and beautiful.
So...
Well, I'd like to do whatever l can to help out.
You're gonna need a baby bed, and bottles,
and lots and lots of diapers.
That's great, Mom. Thanks.
l appreciate it, but my baby won't be wearing diapers.
l mean, why is it we can teach a kitten
just a few months old to use a sandbox,
but a child, infinitely more intelligent,
walks around shitting in their pants for two years?
Ginger read that. This doctor-- what's his name?
Plus, all the harmful pathogens in human feces,
just smushed in there
in that hot incubator of a diaper.
Ugh!
She comes from a really nice family--
wealthy, nice house.
Her sister pIays three instruments.
Honey, l don't care if she's a Kennedy.
A cat box?
She wants to train your baby to use a cat box.
Can you imagine?
There she is!
Where is your bathroom?
Oh, go around this corner
and through the living room,
just on your right, past the zebra.
A cat box.
You want to maybe tell me about this operation
in case I get pIaced in that situation again, "honey"?
Um...
l went to a matinee a few months ago,
um... one second
l was watching a movie...
No!
...and six hours later
l woke up in a hospital
where they had removed my testicles.
What happened in the matinee?
l wish l knew.
l actually have no memory due to the trauma.
Are you serious?
WeII, the doctor said it may come back eventually,
um, maybe not,
but l hope so.
You have no testicles.
I don't know why l never told you about--
about it before, but with the baby,
you being pregnant was a real miracle
in a lot of ways.
- Shut up. - No, come on, I'm serious.
l don't know, I just--
you came,
and there's purpose now.
Direction.
- Morning, Hoss. - Oh, hey.
- Free for lunch? - Uh, sure.
Good, an old buddy of mine, Tom, asked for you specifically.
- Tom...? - Tom Farley.
Asked for my number one shit-eater.
Aw, man, I'd love to get a piece of that business.
How do you know Tom, anyway?
I'm, uh-- I'm friends with his daughter.
- Ah, Tom! - Ah, Lon! How're you doin'?
- Nice to see you, man! - You look spectacular!
You've lost weight, man.
You don't mind if my daughter joins us, do you?
l was downtown shopping, so--
No no, not at all. Nice to see you again.
You too. Hi, Barry.
- Hi, Jennifer. - Oh, l think our table's ready.
Thank God, l thought you were talking about the other daughter.
- Menu, sir? - Thank you.
Well, anyway,
I'm really glad we were able to do this,
my old friend and my...
uh...
Yeah, Barry is quite a guy.
Yeah.
- So, what's good here? - I'm a red sauce man, myseIf.
- Best in town. - Oh!
Hey-yy...
Jen.
Hey, Barry.
The calamari gets good reviews. Whitefish--
my favorite are the chops.
- Specials somewhere. - Ah.
Hi, lover.
So, this your little kitty cat?
Oh no, Lida. Look, this is not the time or the place--
Oof!
Gentlemen.
Ooh.
She's an old girlfriend.
Before Ginger. A long time ago.
Ginger?
My other daughter.
So, I heard you had an interesting lunch yesterday.
She's an old girlfriend. She's crazy.
What old girlfriend?
They didn't-- l thought--
I'm kidding. Of course they told me.
You're such an idiot.
Why do you do that--
all the "idiot, shit-eater" stuff all the time?
Oh, I'm sorry, Barry,
am l hurting your feelings?
No, l mean, ahem--
I'm trying to be nice.
See, l can't win. It's like you constantly
expect me to disappoint you.
And why would l expect that?
All right,
I'm an idiot shit-eater.
But for the record, you should know
expectation
is nothing but planned resentment.
Do you have that written on a poster on the wall of your office?
No, it's a book,
a good book, and l think it's true.
And if you want to carry that around with you aII the time,
hey, that's your bag.
But remember, you called me.
And I'm here.
Whatever. lt doesn't matter.
l don't blame you for a goddamn thing.
Well, l want it to matter.
l want you to like me.
Ginger, the doctor wiII see you now.
Liking people is easy, Barry.
d Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life... d
Hey, man, honestly, thanks for comin'.
Of course. You look great.
Like a red car wash.
l figured if l make it, and keep goin' on,
then we couId keep partying,
then we'll take it down to the Beaver Tree.
Yeah, strip joint.
You in?
d The jig is up the news is out d
d They've finally found me... d
Heavy Metal Greg is the shit!
Cups!
Whoo-oo!
Hey, by the way, I'm gonna have a baby.
- A what?! - Yeah, a baby!
No, no, he just looks young.
- No-- - It's his song selection. That's the key.
Up!
d Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life... d
- Up! - d From the long arm of the law... d
l can't believe you won!
Whoo!
The area finals!
- And beavers! - Yeah!
Hey, DonaId, you know somethin'?
What?
l think you might be my onIy friend.
- Gentlemen and gentlemen, please welcome... - What?!
- ...the exotic and spectacular Dreamer. - Nothin'.
Good talent tonight.
No, not ltalian. l think she's Spanish.
Exactly.
d Here l go again on my own... d
d Going down the only road I've ever known... d
d Like a drifter l was born to walk alone... d
d And I've made up my mind... d
Hey, Barry.
d l ain't wastin' no more time d
d But here l go again... d
- Hey, hey! - It's army style! Army style!
Why don't you give us that sweet little pussy, baby?
Whoo!
d Here l go... d
Yeah!
Get off of her! Hey, man! Hey!
Barry!
Hey, break it up! Come here!
- You know who l am?! - Knock it off!
Area finals!
Don't break it! Don't break it!
Be cooI, dude. I'm just comin' for the trophy.
- What the hell, dude?
My night.
What?
Barry, what are you doing here?
- What's that? - What?
Nothing! Shut up! What do you want?
No, uh, sorry, l just--
l just...
wanted to make sure the baby was okay.
- Don't be stupid. - I'm not being stupid.
I'm not being stupid.
The baby's fine.
l just--
Can l come in?
Go home, Barry.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
l know, l just--
Can l?
Fine, but l am not sharing my bed with you.
l know.
I'll put some sheets on the couch.
d Come on along, it's Iike a dream d
d And you can fall into the feeIing d
d That we never die... d
All the while, this baby
is gonna come through the vagina,
big and strong.
Comin' through.
d You're gonna find, there's a little piece of mind... d
Yeah, of course. No, we've got it worked out.
Look, l wouldn't sell it if l didn't believe it and that's the truth.
Yeah, we're gonna take care of Alex, Andy and Sam.
d Now if you ever want to run d
d From everything that you have become d
d CaII on me, l will be waiting d
d Run to my room... d
Hey, Ginger, you know what?
l think we're going to have a girI.
Great.
Oh, by the way, l forgot,
Jennifer invited you to her graduation.
This is when the baby's due.
It's the week of the due date.
The baby could come at any minute.
l feel like it's gonna kick a hole in my side
and crawl out right now.
Can l feel it?
Are you scared?
Do you want me to go to your sister's graduation?
lf you want.
That's not what I'm asking.
Let's not pretend these people like me.
Are you afraid of my famiIy?
Yes, yes I am. Each one of them--
individuaIIy, and as a group.
Fine.
Yes, l would like you to accompany me
to my sister's graduation.
d l needed you d
d To set me free d
d So l could learn d
d l needed freedom to return... d
I've been thinking a lot about the name Cornelia.
Yes?
Well, you just have to be careful with names,
um, basically, 'cause chiIdren are crueI.
Yes.
And you got to know they're gonna shorten the name.
They'll call her Corny.
She's a girI-- that's what she'll be called.
Do you like Corny?
Yes l do.
You know what the boys in high school
are gonna call her?
What?
Horny Corny.
That's what boys like you will call her, not everybody.
Maybe, but that'll be her name.
Look, I'm not gonna mold my life, or my child's life
around the actions of perverts and degenerates.
I'm not afraid of the idiocy of "Horny Corny"
because it rhymes, or because it's dirty,
or because people are too lazy
to pronounce her real name, Cornelia.
And by the way, the next time
you touch my tit without permission
l will cut you while you're sleeping.
Hello! Oh, you must be Carol.
It's so nice to finally meet you. Come in.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Barry's aIways saying what a nice family Ginger has.
- How sweet. - Mrs. Munday.
- So nice to meet you at last. - Oh, my pIeasure.
- And it's Ms. - Oh, Ms.
- Hi! - Pumpkin farm!
And this is our youngest, Jenny.
This is CaroI, Barry's mother.
Hi, Jennifer. Congratulations.
- Thanks! - Hey, Jennifer.
Nice to see you again.
WeII, nice to see you as well, Barry. Nice suit.
Thank you.
Hi, Barry. Hi, Ms. Munday.
Hi, sweetie.
- Hey. - Hi. Hello.
Well, shall we go through and have a IittIe Iunch?
- Yes. - Ms. Munday, may l?
You look nice.
You're wearing a suit.
- You want another piece?
Not yet.
- It's kind of gross. - It's going good.
They can hear you.
- What? - They can hear you.
- Father Walsh? - Mm-hmm?
Did you hear about Barry's accident?
Um, no, l don't think I have.
Jennifer, l don't think this is the time.
It's okay, right, Barry?
See, Barry was at a matinee,
and some whacko just attacked him.
- Attacked him? - It was awfuI.
Okay, Jen,
l don't think we want to bring up
personal stuff, now do we?
- Jen. - Oh, phtt-tt!
Anyway, somebody just comes into the theater
and... right into his...
...you know, his baIIs.
And they never caught the guy, but...
personaIIy, l think Barry was
makin' time with another fella's lady.
Okay, Jen.
I'd stop now or you-know-what will be revealed.
And you don't want that, do ya?
Or scammin' on some little girl and Daddy caught him.
Pervert.
All right, check it!
10:00 on a Saturday night,
l saw Jennifer as the featured dancer
at a nudie cIub called the Beaver Tree.
Ha!
Sorry to be the one to teII you aII.
I know it's embarrassing for you.
lt was embarrassing for me to see her on stage.
Believe me.
- Barry-- - Father Walsh.
- Barry-- - She just-- she pushed me.
l couldn't help it. Shame on you.
- Barry-- - lt was Whitesnake.
- Barry-- - d Here l go again on my own... d
Barry, last Saturday night,
Mr. and Mrs. Farley and their two daughters
were at my house
to discuss Ginger's pregnancy.
till at least 10:00.
10:30.
d Here l go... d
Sweet little pussy, baby!
10:30?
For the record, sir,
l had never been to the Beaver Tree
This cake's deIicious.
Thank you.
- Oh my God! - What?!
My water broke.
- Are you serious? - Are you sure?
- CaII Janice. - Who's Janice?
- The midwife, you idiot! - The midwife, Barry!
Watch your step! Watch your step!
- Barry, there's no room for you! - You're yelling in my head!
- What? - No room!
You and your mother take Father WaIsh.
Son, son, this way!
Get the camera. Get the camera, hon.
Here's a good shot right here. Beautiful.
Talk to your baby, Ginger.
- Sandwich? Popcorn? - I'm okay.
Okay, Daddy, why don't you come and be a part of this?
- Uh... - Talk to your baby, Barry.
- Okay. Um, hi baby.
Uh, I'm Barry Munday.
- l wish you all the best...
today comin' out of your mom's vagina.
Here we go! Time for the baby!
Breathe, breathe.
Come on, come on!
You can do it, baby!
- Why don't you step into the tub? - I'm wearing a suit.
WeII, you can strip down to your undies if you wish.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
- Oh, Barry. - Barry, will you just get in the G-D tub!
Yes sir.
Oh! Agh-hh!
Yep, no recollection of that place whatsoever.
Oh, wait, l forgot something!
- Push.
Okay, mirror. Carol, could you give me the mirror?
Great. Let me see if that's right.
What the hell is this?
It's whaIes in the ocean.
Uh, it's supposed to be soothing.
- Right?
What? What are you saying?!
- l can't hear you! - Just reach down. Just reach down.
Turn off the fucking whales!
- Oh, I got it! - Happy thoughts.
- That's it.
- You can do it, Ginger! - I can't do any more!
Reach down, reach down.
d When l was young and pushed around d
d And beaten up and beaten down d
d Who'd l run to, Mama? Tell me, who? d
d And as l grew to be a man d
d And all the world heId such eIan d
d l did what l thought I just had to do d
d lt was you, Mama, you, it was you all along d
d lt was you l ran away from, I was wrong d
Now reach down...
d lf l could, I'd change my life d
d l swear to God I'd cut it out with a knife... d
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! No way!
Say hello to your little girl.
It's a girl.
Just follow the baby. You can never go wrong.
Oh, you were right.
You were right.
She's beautiful.
- Wanna hold her? - Yeah.
l got her. l got her. l got her.
Okay.
Christmas.
How's she doin'?
I just came in here to-- Ginger was watchin' some videos.
l just wanted to turn it off.
Thanks for stayin' the night.
I know you had your graduation.
Oh, it's just a sheet of paper.
Yeah, well, Ginger appreciates it, so congratulations.
You know, we've never had much time alone together, Barry.
- Why are you doing this? - Does it stiII work?
- What are you doing? - Relax, I'm a professional, remember?
l knew it. Stop! l knew it.
That was you at the Beaver Tree.
What is it? ls it that you just don't like me?
- Or are you jealous? - No, please.
Of you?
l don't know.
Ginger?
Is it reaIIy that boring being
everybody's favorite aII the time?
What are you two doing up?
Look who l found in here watching boobs.
Pervert.
Ugh.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Okay, get a little-- a IittIe drink of water.
Vroom, vroom-vroom.
Sweet girl.
Right there.
It's broken.
l see.
Oh, weII.
You a daddy?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Let's see the little bugger.
Okay.
Now look at that--
half-Asian.
Uh, excuse me?
Your baby. Oriental, right?
Uh, l don't think so.
Been in this park over 30 years,
seen every baby from red to blue to Tyler too.
Eyes, hue of skin--
nothing like Japanese skin.
Damn soft, too.
Velvet.
Mm-mm-mm...
Hey, man, can l help you?
Sorry.
What?
Sorry.
Why are you sorry?
- Sorry. - Why are you s--
Mom, do you think Cornelia looks like me?
Yes, l do.
Does she Iook like my father?
No. Neither do you.
l thought he was an ugly man.
Why are you asking?
l don't know.
Where'd he come from?
Your father came from a place very far away,
and he should've stayed there.
He Ieft behind the onIy part of him worth knowing-- you.
Does my baby look Asian to you?
This isn't about Cornelia, is it?
- This is about your testes. - What?
It's naturaI after a loss like this
to question, "ls it real?
Did I actuaIIy make this little creature?"
Questions are healthy.
l think that's the main reason you had the paternity test.
Barry, God has his ways, kiddo.
She is beautiful, isn't she?
She's a Munday.
Cornelia...
something-Munday.
Just Cornelia.
No middle name?
No middle name, no last name. Just CorneIia.
You have to have a last name. That's iIIegaI, isn't it?
What about Jesus, Madonna, or Calvin?
Who's Calvin?
l don't know.
- What are you doing? - Nothin'.
Fine.
Listen, CorneIia's sIeeping, but you're gonna have to feed her soon.
Where are your glasses?
l got contacts a month ago.
You haven't noticed?
Would you notice if l had no head?
Probably.
See those guy's plants across the hall? They're pretty sweet.
My mom's number is on the fridge.
Are you sure you can handle this?
Oh yeah. We'll be fine.
l got beer.
Are you okay?
I'm awesome.
Ugh.
Br-rr-rr.
- HeIIo? - Barry, it's Mom. Could you come over?
Uh, now?
Just for an hour or so. This damn disposaI.
Uh, I'm watching Cornelia, Mom.
Bring her. She should be visiting her grandmother, you know.
- HeIIo. - Barry, hi.
I'm Dr. Preston Edwards.
Please, don't be alarmed.
Your mother's concerned.
She loves you very much.
I thought you had a bad disposal.
Barry, listen to Dr. Edwards.
Oh!
Adorable.
Barry, our group provides support
to help us understand what has happened to us.
Boys? Each of the men in this room has suffered
some kind of genital mutilation or deformity.
You're not alone.
Hi, I'm Jerry Sherman.
When I was 1 1 years old,
Now the end pokes out like a little snappy turtle.
And yes, l do urinate sitting down.
But you know what? My testicles are intact.
So, I'd say my glass is half full.
Well done, Jerry.
My name's Kyle Pennington.
I'm 37. l have a master's degree in education.
My penis is 16 inches long.
It's thin like a rope,
and my testicIes are the size of peanuts.
l suffer from a rare genetic disorder
called Glassroth Syndrome. I'm the founder of the group.
Thank you, Kyle.
lf you're laughing out of nervousness
or embarrassment, that's understandable.
But there is nothing funny about KyIe's condition.
I'm sorry, Kyle.
Ahem--
My name is Maury-- Maury Knox.
Maury is a new member.
He prefers to speak with his back to the group.
l, um-- actually, l have no genitalia at all.
My private spot is a smooth hairless patch.
And l pee out of my a-anus.
This is my second meeting.
Thank you, Maury.
Barry, I know this must seem strange to you.
No. No, it's totally--
it's cool.
Came over with my baby to my mom's house
to help fix her disposal,
and l find five dudes
sitting in my living room
waiting to tell me stories about their dicks.
It's perfectly normal.
Okay.
Can l ask you a question, Dr. Edwards?
You ever find people who figure out their own problems
without the heIp of a support group?
Well, l have patients who have
beIieved that they have self-healed,
only to have their problems resurface in acts of vioIence,
- estrangements, sexual confusion-- - Served it, sister.
Okay. Well hey, I'm not violent,
estranged or sexually confused, so maybe I'm cured.
Ha, no one is ever really cured.
That's nice, Doctor, but my balls are gone.
And I don't think your group discussions
will help bring them back.
I don't even know if l want the damn things.
The only good they ever did was help make Cornelia
and l don't even know if they can honestly take credit for that.
Thank you.
Mini-breakthrough.
You really should join our group.
It's Thursday nights at 7:00.
Jerry, are you on refreshments this week?
- I'm makin' puff pastry, Doc. - Good times.
Tell you what, why don't l just call you when I'm feeling violent,
estranged, or--
Sexually confused?
- Barry? - Yes, Preston.
All right. Fellas?
Bye.
Oh, here's the one I was Iooking for.
This is Christmas. You were four, l think.
Ah yes. l was fat.
Look it, look it, Iook it, Iook it.
Oh look. Yeah, see, she's got your eyes.
She's got your nose.
She's got your toes. Look!
Who has anyone's toes?
Oh, you were such a good baby.
You were always smiling about something.
Look at this.
l never could figure out what was so funny,
but you were always smilin' about something or other.
You know, it never bothered you that we were poor.
lt never bothered you that we were alone.
l worried about you so much
l really don't think you missed him until you were older.
Hmm.
You know, untiI you...
needed to ask questions about--
you know, being a man.
There wasn't anybody there to ask.
Life goes in circles, you know.
Ginger's a good mother, Barry.
l want you to take care of that baby.
Did he know you were pregnant when he left?
Barry, if l tell you he knew,
you'II make yourself crazy
wondering why he left. lf l say he didn't--
l just want to know.
l just want to know who I am.
Yeah.
Leaving behind a sperm doesn't make you a father.
Or a man...
any more than one brick makes a house.
l know that.
You've buiIt your own house now.
It's there, the circles.
Before you had Cornelia,
did you know there was love like this in the whoIe wide worId?
Mm-um.
Another guy said he pees out of his anus.
Now that's just bragging.
Sometimes you remind me
of Joey from the first season of "Friends."
Was he awesome?
No. l mean, kind of.
l liked it. l liked him on that.
He was funny.
Were you really a virgin before our sex?
Did you think l was lying to you?
You don't remember that night at aII?
That sucks.
Hey, why me?
l mean, that night,
why-- why with--
with me?
M-most of my life,
I think, you know, people never really
paid much attention to me.
They kinda just forgot about me.
l mean, they would think like, "What's the point?"
Or they would just look at me and think, "Why bother?" You know?
And peopIe l work with,
my family,
and, um, so...
I don't know, I found kind of a safety in that--
like, that there was no judgment then.
No overt judgment.
You mean, you--
you dress like this on purpose, and you know.
Well, l don't expect you to understand it,
but there is kind of a--
a power in being...
undesirable.
But then l almost got in this car accident that day--
the day of the night--
and this guy yelled out his window...
Watch where you're going, you ugIy bitch!
And, um, and it just took it all away,
just that one sentence. And l just felt really...
like an ugly bitch.
So, that night...
- d Night will follow day... d
l just really needed to feel desirable.
Well, I'm glad he called you an ugIy bitch.
Thanks, Barry.
Can you still...?
Oh, yeah, the doctor said l can--
have what's called a "dry orgasm."
- Oh, gross. - Yeah, it's gross.
Ginger, this is the first time l--
d When I'm ready d
d When I'm able... d
d l cut the night and grease the sky d
d You said that you were tired of feeIing down d
d It's a story... d
What's that?
Oh, l got it in coIIege.
- It's dumb. - Naw.
l thought it would cheer me up.
d You never thought your feet would touch the ground... d
d I just want to break the ice d
d Can't we stiII meet up tonight? d
d We jumped so low, we fell so high... d
d Oh, Debbie d
d When wiII you make up your mind? d
d No one said that love is kind d
d We had a laugh, we had a cry... d
- l did it! - Almost!
- She's mine! - Yes!
- ls it mine? - Yes! Yours!
Mine!
Cornelia!
l didn't mean it like--
l just said it 'cause--
Who says their baby's name during sex?
l was happy.
Yeah, we could still--
Another time, Barry.
Hey.
What's this?
A little appreciation.
l just talked to Tom Farley this morning.
He wanted you to handle it personally.
Oh. Yes. Thank you.
Oh, by the way, l need you to stay late tonight.
Martin LefIeur is supposed to call
around about 6:00 or 6:30.
l need you to walk him through the proposal. Cool?
Sure. Yeah. Cool.
Hello? Ginger?
What the hell?
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Barry.
Your mom and l wanted to organize something speciaI for you.
- Are you surprised? - Yeah, l forgot it was my birthday.
- Happy birthday, bro. - Hey, man!
Got you a little somethin'.
Your mom said it's the good stuff,
so I went ahead and had a little sip.
Yes, you did. Dr. Habib.
- Hey, Barry, how are you? - I'm doing great.
How's it all feelin' down there? Everything workin'?
- Yeah, it's workin'. - Really?
- Only kidding, Barry. Happy birthday! - Hey, thanks.
l can't believe you fell for that late-phone-call trick.
- What? - l mean, come on, Martin Lefleur?
That son of a bitch never caIIs.
Happy birthday, Barry. Happy birthday!
Thanks.
d Could believe, do... d
d And share in what was true, l said... d
Hey, sexy.
No.
You know, l thought a lot about what you said.
And you're right.
Which part?
l was bored
and jealous.
Not that you're not a sexy man, Barry.
Come on, that was you at the Beaver Tree. Come on, wasn't it?
Just say it.
Nobody'll believe me anyway.
Happy birthday, pervert.
- You want a lime? - No.
- Cubes for your wine? - No thanks.
d When l, you d
d And everyone we knew d
d Could believe, do d
d And share in what was true, l said... d
d Dance hall days, love d
d Dance hall days d
d Dance hall days, love d
- Happy birthday. - d Dance hall days d
Dude, you know Dreamer from the Beaver Tree?
d And you need her and she needs you d
d And you need her... d
I impregnated one of the last random women l conquered
before my testicles vanished from the face of this earth.
l never stopped to consider
whether she wouId be a good mother for my child,
or even whether I'd be able to sit in the same room
with the woman after the sex act was complete.
And yet somehow,
through this disconnected senseIessness,
I set in motion a chain reaction of happiness.
Now it's hard for me to believe
l never would've chosen this life.
And l sometimes think of the days
l was buried in my cave, feeIing sorry for myseIf,
Ietting my hand drift between my legs
to make sure l wasn't dreaming.
But l also remember getting that letter from Newton Creech
and reading every word twice.
Before l could even think about it,
before l could even poison the reaction,
l was overjoyed--
overjoyed at the idea of a new Iife,
part of me somewhere in the world,
waiting on the verge of possibiIity.
- Barry, there you go. - Thanks, sir.
l guess one man's burden
can reaIIy be another man's happiness.
Let's go. Oh!
- Sorry, sir. - Oh, no problem.
Of course l still think it wouId be pretty rad
to be an architect.
Or a triathlete.
Or a yoga instructor.
d Can you teII me, l want to believe d
d That you want to be with me forever d
d l need to know that you won't ever leave d
d And you won't run away from me never d
d I've been waiting for a Iong time d
d For the one who would be mine d
d l think it's time d
d Everything's all right d
d The way that you believe in me d
d lt takes me through the night d
d l fall beside you softly singing d
d That I've been waiting for a Iong time d
d For the one who would be mine d
d l think it's time d
d In the morning, l see what you mean d
d 'Cause l don't want to make it without you d
d You've got me dreaming, and after you leave d
d When you're gone I'm still thinking about you d
d I've been waiting for a Iong time d
d For the one who would be mine d
d l think it's time d
d l think everything's all right d
d The way that you beIieve in me d
d And it takes me through the night d
d l fall beside you softly singing d
d Na na-na na-na d
d Tomorrow is another morning d
d Na na-na na-na d
d Tomorrow is another morning d
d If you say you will be mine d
d l think it's time d
d l think it's time... d
It's time. It's time!
d l like to make it d
d With my baby every night d
d Everything's all right d
d Every morning when l wake d
d l fall into your eyes d
d l want to go d
d I beIieve we're gonna make it d
d Na na-na na-na d
d Tomorrow is another morning d
d Na na-na na-na d
d Tomorrow is another morning d
d lf you're alone tonight d
d BeIieve me, I've been waiting for you d
d Everything's all right d
d Yeah! d
d Who's the coolest guy in the world? d
d His name is Barry d
d Barry the man d
d Who's the baddest dude of aII time? d
d l just said Barry d
d Can't you understand? d
d That he's fighting his way to the top d
d Defining the cream of the crop d
d And he won't stop d
d 'Cause he's Barry d
d Barry the man d
d It's necessary d
d He do what he can d
d Gonna do what he can d
d When somebody's life's on the line d
d You just call Barry d
d He'll lend a hand d
d You maybe doin' just fine d
d I'd still call Barry d
d He's a charming man d
d And he's fighting his way to the top d
d Defining the cream of the crop d
d And he won't stop d
d 'Cause he's Barry d
d Barry the man d
d It's necessary d
d He do what he can d
d Gonna do what he can, oh-oh... d
d He's now finding a way d
d Barry is here to stay d
d And he's fighting his way to the top d
d Defining the cream of the crop d
d And he won't stop d
d 'Cause he's Barry d
d Barry the man d
d It's necessary d
d He do what he can d
d 'Cause he's Barry d
d Barry the man d
d It's necessary d
d He do what he can d
d Go Barry, go Barry d
d 'Cause he's Barry d
d Barry the man. d