My name is Nick.
My last name, which I loathe, is Twisp.
Which would be a nice name...
...if I planned on becoming an evil nurse in a mental institution.
I am a voracious reader of classic prose...
...an aspiring novelist...
...and feel the world would be a better place...
...if every radio station played Sinatra's "My One and Only Love"...
...at least once an hour.
Needless to say, I'm still a virgin.
I live in Oakland with my charming mother.
- Estelle... - Her latest boyfriend, Jerry...
...is a truck driver and pathological liar.
If a woman answered the phone, it was probably just the maid.
He's a real prize.
I'm gonna bite you.
No.
- Hi, Nick. - Hi.
- Have three more for you. - Oh, thanks, Mr. Ferguson.
Our neighbor Mr. Ferguson likes to bring us mail from our mailbox.
He's a former activist with a bleeding heart and too much time.
He's always getting arrested for staging protests...
...and harboring illegal aliens in his basement.
He's a good man, but very strange.
My dad is currently in between jobs.
He would love to not have to work at all...
...but he's burdened with crippling child-support payments.
When am I gonna start getting an allowance?
I'm getting tired of not having a cell phone.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to work it out with your mom.
- Lacey is Dad's girlfriend. - Baby...
...I cooked for you.
- You made me a snack. - Come here.
She's 25 and a budding cosmetologist.
- I love it. - Does my baby like it?
It's amazing and incredibly irritating to me...
...how much action everyone around me seems to be getting.
With one exception.
My sister saw Millie holding hands with some college guy.
My friend Lefty's had a crush on a girl named Millie Filbert since third grade.
He's the only person more miserable than I am.
You know, I've been taping my dick to my right leg at night with duct tape.
I think of Millie in her green summery dress...
...and I get hard. It starts to push against the tape...
Putting counter-rotational tension on the shaft.
- Right. - That's nice.
In case you haven't heard, Lefty's erect member...
...takes a sudden and dramatic turn to the east about midway up.
- War. - Well, you might wanna get it fixed...
...before you ask Millie out.
That's very true.
What if I shove it up the wrong hole?
What if we go out and she doesn't even like me?
We get to know each other and she hates me?
We get married and have a kid...
...but he's not good at anything, has no talents?
I wonder if it's worth it.
Either way, you probably wanna get your dick straightened out.
- Is Jerry here? - He just went out.
That hunk-of-shit Chevy he sold us...
...made it 17 miles before the engine blew up.
And we found evidence of a banana in the transmission.
So he owes us $900.
Well, I'm quite certain that he spent that $900 on his new Lincoln.
Maybe you'd better come back and speak with him directly.
He's a pretty stubborn man, so you might have to get physical.
That can be arranged.
After living in Oakland for 16 years...
...I've noticed it's filled with women who have zero interest in me.
Hey, Karen.
Nick.
Oh, right. Physics?
American History. You were close.
What is that?
Oh, La Strada. It's a Fellini movie.
So random.
They were out of Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous...
...so I went for a random...
- Chad. Fuck you. - Oh, fuck you, you love it.
Hey, does that movie come with tampons for your pussy?
You know, Chad, I'll be upset if it doesn't.
In the movies, the good guy gets the girl.
In real life it's usually the prick.
Nick, get out here.
Nick.
Nick, do you know anything about this?
Oh, yeah. Those sailors came by. They want their money back.
Apparently there was some sort of banana in the transmission.
You tell them I was coming back?
Now, why would I do that?
Jerry, what are you gonna do?
Go get the Lincoln washed.
You're leaving?
What happens when that sailor comes back?
To escape the threat of ill-tempered sailors...
...we're going to Clear Lake for a week...
...to stay in a cabin owned by a friend of Jerry's.
Since I have no life, I figure I have nothing to lose.
We're going on vacation.
Jerry.
I thought you said it was a cabin.
Come on, Estelle. It's real cute on the inside.
I say we let the kid do the dishes...
...and you and I retire to the master bedroom.
Do you think Jerry is someone that I can...
...look forward to having around for years to come?
Nick, how many men are interested in a woman who's 48 years old...
...has a kid, no money and stretch marks?
I think you're selling yourself short, Mom.
Leave open the possibility of a stretch-mark fetishist.
Oh, watch your smart mouth.
So you're gonna do the dishes, okay, hon?
Gerald and I will be in back, playing Scrabble.
Your robe's open.
- So are you staying near here? - We live down the block.
Oh, spitting distance.
So to speak.
Hi, Stuck-up.
- Hi. - Honey, this is Sheeni Saunders.
She stopped by to introduce herself. Isn't that neighborly?
- Yes. Yes. - She's on her way to the store.
I volunteered your help carrying her bags.
Sounds fun.
You know, your family's arrival...
...excited considerable interest among the residents.
- Your father's beer cooler on the... - Oh, no, he's not my father.
Jerry's my mother's consort.
He and I have no blood links of any kind.
Well, that seems to be worth something.
Yesterday the most exciting thing in my life...
...was the thought of Jerry being beaten senseless by three sailors.
Now I'm spending time with a beautiful, interesting girl...
...and I have no idea how it happened.
Here we are.
Wow, a second floor.
Yes. Father bought it so we could look down on the world.
What does your father do?
He's a lawyer.
Wow, this is really nice.
- Where are your parents? - They're at church.
Would you like a tour?
Sure.
Kitchen.
This is Mother's Farfisa organ.
Father added this extension so he could fit these 64 pipes in.
Dining room.
Here's a family portrait.
And this is my room.
Didn't you just love Breathless?
Jean-Paul was completely gripping.
If you like French people, I suppose. Yeah.
I can see it.
I think my favorite film was Tokyo Story.
I just think Mizoguchi is a great director.
It's a great film.
But wasn't that by Ozu?
Who can say?
There's nothing quite as good as vinyl.
Yeah, it's very textural.
- Do you like Frank Sinatra? - I do.
But my all-time favorite is...
...Serge Gainsbourg.
So you really like the French, don't you?
I wanna live in France.
I wanna live all over the world.
I know there's so much more than this out there.
My parents are religious fanatics.
They're exhausting.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hey, Sheeni?
Do you think you'd like to join me at the beach tomorrow after breakfast?
I'd love to.
- Yes? - Hello, Mr. Saunders. I'm Nick.
I'm here to see Sheeni.
I understand you've invited her to the beach.
That's right.
Well, I trust, sir, you are aware that in doing so...
...you have entered into an oral contract...
...to perform in loco parentis...
...i. e., to provide for the safety and welfare...
...of aforementioned minor female.
- Ready? - Very ready.
Bye, Father.
Goodbye, Mr. Saunders.
Would you mind applying this to my exposed areas?
Sure.
You get turned on easily.
Don't stop, Nick. It's only natural.
Girls are fortunate in that it doesn't show.
For all the world knows...
...my vagina could be moist with desire as we speak.
Is it?
Should we do my front now?
Okay.
I'm up for it.
Thank you.
What's your last name?
Dillinger.
Twisp.
Sheeni Saunders.
She's complicated, mischievous and at this point...
...I'd be willing to give up everything in my life to be with her.
Nick, you're very nice, but I should tell you I have a boyfriend.
Oh, I see.
His name is Trent.
We've been together for a while, actually.
What's he like?
He's 17...
...6'2", fluent in French...
...plays the piano, is a champion swimmer...
...and writes futurist percussive poetry.
Oh, I'm not familiar with futurist percussive poems.
I could recite one of Trent's, if you'd like.
Please do.
Ram dam 12
Sizzle mop
Crunch down
Safety net
Hot, hot, hot Void
Well, that certainly sounds like a poem.
Jeez, he sounds great.
Well, you know, I also have a sweetheart for the moment, so...
Really? What's her name?
Her name is Martha Singwall. She's 16.
She's got toasted almond hair, so...
She's only just recently returned from Nice...
...where she's been conducting sociological research...
...on the assimilation problems of Italian immigrant workers...
...down there.
She's also a professional model that specializes in lingerie.
She likes me quite a bit. She tells me that she loves my hair.
- She sounds wonderful. - Yes, I think you'd like her, Sheeni.
Trent sounds great, too, aside from being freakishly tall.
He certainly does seem to have a knack for...
...smashing ungraceful words together...
...and deeming it a poem.
Well, thanks for a lovely day, Nick.
Don't mention it.
I think of this girl being swept away by some pretentious poet...
...and it crushes me.
She could never like me.
Unless I decided to radically change every detail of my personality...
...I'm going to die a virgin.
- Nick? - Sheeni, nice to see you.
I was going for a walk and thought I'd drop by.
I remembered that you lived here. I'm sorry I got upset about Trent.
It was immature. I'm not normally like that.
He sounds like a great guy. I'd love to hear more of his poetry.
Do you wanna go to the beach? Or get breakfast?
Actually, I'm going on a hike.
I'd ask you to come...
...but you haven't got boots, provisions, maps or a compass.
I do all my hiking freeform. Like John Muir, I enter the wilderness...
...with nothing more than my journal and a child-like sense of wonder.
What the hell is going on? This is a private journal.
Trent is not an affected twit.
Sheeni, how would you like it if I read your journal?
Go ahead.
It's written in a shorthand of my own devising.
A necessity for a girl with Christian parents.
What does this say?
Wouldn't you like to know?
That last passage would be of particular interest to you.
I doubt that.
I have very little interest in reading about Trent's beautiful shoulders.
I haven't made love with Trent, if that's what you wanna know.
I've only made love once and it was less than erotic.
But I hear it gets better with practice.
You're a virgin. I can tell.
Kiss me, you weenie.
Sheeni, I think I love you.
Of course you do.
Well, your hormones certainly do.
Sheeni.
Yes, Mother. I'm just here with Nick.
Let's see this young heathen.
Hello, Mrs. Saunders. It's nice to meet you.
I doubt that very much.
- See you tomorrow, Nick. - Okay. Goodbye, Sheeni.
Goodbye, Mrs. Saunders.
Look into your soul, young man, before it's too late.
I will.
Jerry sniffed out a trailer he wants to buy...
...and insisted we go check it out.
I told Sheeni I was going to write a book about her.
She said it was a terrible idea.
Jerry, all the closets are full of mouse doodies.
- I might take 950. - Nine hundred.
- Nine-ten. - We're in business.
Oh, come here. Come here, come here.
Hello. Hello.
Nicky, look, isn't he cute?
He's adorable.
How much?
Ten dollars.
All I have is a Subway card with four stickers.
Sold.
Thank you, Nicky.
I think I'm going to name him Albert.
After Albert Camus.
That night was my first indisputable make-out session with a girl.
After grappling in the warm darkness with Sheeni...
...I found this note in my back pocket.
I thought she had been caressing my ass.
Dear Nick.
Please excuse me for reading your journal.
I have found that people who can resist temptation...
...invariably lead depressingly stunted lives.
Naturally I was charmed by what you wrote about me.
Your contemplation of suicide and your invention of Martha...
...cannot help but evoke a strong emotional response in my breast.
We are both young.
Let's just live and what happens will happen.
Yours affectionately, Sheeni.
I have to leave today.
Jerry threw his back out last night in bed with my mother...
...so he has to be reunited with his painkillers back in Oakland.
We're leaving in an hour.
So this will be goodbye.
Goodbye.
You don't have to act so brave, Sheeni.
I wouldn't judge you if you started to cry.
No, Nicky. It's Albert.
He snuck out of my room last night.
When I woke up, he had shredded the family Bible.
My parents took it as a sign of evil.
Now I have to find someone who will take him.
- Well, I'll take him. - You will?
I'll have to hide him from my mother because she can't stand dogs...
...but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
He's our lovechild.
Sheeni, I can't stand the thought of you...
...falling in love with some egotistical poet while I'm gone.
I've had a great time with you.
It was a really lovely summer fling.
But I can't put my whole life on hold.
You don't even live here.
But we could run away together. We can escape our families...
...live like outlaws together.
No offense, Nicky, but it's not exactly in your constitution.
What if my dad could get a job here in Ukiah and I come live with him?
My mother depends on the child-support money...
...but maybe I could get kicked out.
That's a lot of what-ifs.
Do you think you could help me find some job opportunities for my dad?
It's possible.
We can do this, Sheeni. This can happen.
Well, look at you taking control of the situation.
I'll do whatever I have to do.
I've never had anything in my life that I wanted to fight for so much.
Then we'll have to figure out a way for you to be kicked out.
You have to be bad, Nicky.
Be very, very bad.
I have a tall mountain to climb...
...with many treacherous glaciers to cross.
But finally I've obtained an entry visa to the paradise that lays beyond.
I won't let him out of my sight.
Where's the Nova?
See that, babe? They took it back.
Sailors are all talk...
...all the time.
Jerry.
Shit on a goddamn dick.
I have spent the last 15 years trying to get this house to look just perfect.
Oh, God, Nick. Go get a pan quick. It's dripping on my new shag.
Yeah, I'll get a pan.
You should have given that man his money back.
Holy shit. There's still water in the windshield thing.
But how'd they even get it in here?
Looks like they took it apart piece by piece and then...
...reassembled it.
But that would take an army of mechanics to do that.
Or a Navy.
Or a Navy, baby.
I told my parents about my sister going all the way with Carlo.
Now she's playing that damn Ashlee Simpson album over and over.
My life is a living hell, Nick. It is a living hell.
Damn. I think I've got something to cheer you up, my friend.
His name is Albert.
I don't know why you have a dog. You hate dogs.
This is more than a dog.
This is my only tangible link to the love of my life.
You met a girl?
She isn't just a girl, Lefty.
She's a comely angel...
...sent to teach me about all that is good in the world.
Is she prettier than Millie Filbert?
Lefty...
...after seeing Sheeni you would look at Millie...
...and you would see no more than a slatternly wench...
...trying to muddy your perception of what a pretty girl should be.
How do I know you're not making this girl up?
Your life has really changed since I last saw you, Nick.
How are things going with Millie?
I got this book, Lovemaking for Advanced Gourmets.
I'm looking up some tips so I can really blow her mind.
For instance, there's one in here.
You're supposed to stick your pinkie inside of a girl's bumhole.
- Liar. - Read it and weep.
I have it marked right there.
I think that Sheeni might find this pinkie technique less than romantic.
Could I borrow this? Might be one or two things I should know.
Yeah, it's fine.
- Hello? - Hi, Nicky.
Have you any misdeeds to report?
I'm working on it.
Nicky.
- You sound concerned. - If you don't take the initiative...
...how do you think you'll feel when I marry Francois?
Who's Francois?
My future French husband.
Well, I mean, I can't wait for you forever.
Nick, how is my darling Albert?
Albert is great.
We've been going on these bonding jogs twice daily...
...which he loves. I've been enjoying them too.
They've been getting me into great shape.
That's wonderful, darling.
My one and only love needs me to be bad...
...to overcome the inhibitions that compel me to be law-abiding...
...polite to my elders and excessively nice.
I have decided to create a supplementary persona...
...named Francois Dillinger.
Bold...
...contemptuous of authority...
...and irresistible to women.
Francois is just the type of aggressive sociopath...
...who can wage, and win, a war of nerves.
Better give your mother a hug, son.
Oh, no.
It turns out Jerry had a heart attack in a Dallas bar and took it badly.
He died.
When will the body arrive?
I'm afraid it's already been shipped, ma'am...
...to his wife.
His wife?
Yes, ma'am, his wife.
It's also my duty to inform you she wishes to claim the Lincoln...
...which he registered to this address.
It's okay.
There, there. It's gonna be okay.
There, there. Everything will be okay.
Those are my records. What are you doing?
You're not gonna get this girl by listening to records and jerking off.
Well, that wasn't my entire plan.
What is your plan, shithead?
Slouching your shoulders while Trent boy has her on his lap?
I don't need you here right now. I just need to think.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
Not until you sink your filthy dick in this tomato.
Not until you get what you want.
Now it's time to rebel, Nick.
It's time to be bad.
It's not a good day for that. My mom got some devastating news.
That's perfect.
She's vulnerable.
She's fragile.
Now, what does she value more than anything?
She values her things.
With the guidance of Francois...
...I quickly transformed myself into a textbook juvenile delinquent.
Sheeni has held up her end of the bargain...
...by finding Dad work at a magazine called Progressive Plywood.
She called him pretending to be a headhunter.
- Really? - It took some convincing on her part.
Sounds cool, but I don't know much about wood.
That's not what I've heard.
To my chagrin, the magazine is owned by the father of Trent Preston.
- Let me go first, this is heavy. - There were no other options.
Nice house, right?
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thanks. Ex-squeeze me.
Sit over there.
- Oh, Nicky. - Morning, everyone.
Isn't it nice of Officer Westcott to drop by so early...
...and have breakfast with us?
Oh, it sure was. Yeah, that's nice.
Oh, your father called. He got a job in Ukiah.
That's good for him.
Good.
Do you think it might be a good idea if I moved in with him for a little bit?
You know as well as I do that's not gonna work.
I depend on that child-support money to eat.
Shouldn't you depend on child-support money to support your child?
Hey, be nice to your mom, kid. She's grieving.
When do I take this off? How long do you leave it on for?
Just leave it on for three minutes.
Shit.
Those fuckers are taking a shower together.
How repulsive.
- Shit! Shit! Turn it off! - Fuck!
What was all that racket last night?
Nicky, I'm sorry if we disturbed you.
You know, this is my home too.
All of a sudden some stranger starts staying over, I'm not even consulted.
What's with you, kid? Just mind your own damn business.
No, you mind your business.
He's my son.
Nicky, you're right. I should have informed you that Officer Westcott...
...was gonna be spending the evening. I'm sorry.
I thought there were laws in the city against illicit cohabitation.
Or are they just another big policeman's joke?
Kid, you're asking for trouble. Just don't.
Or what are you gonna do?
Shoot me with your gun?
All right, all right. Lance. Okay, okay, okay.
You just shut your mouth right now. Right now.
Thanks for breakfast.
Where are you going?
What are those for?
You and I are gonna find a nice quiet parking lot and set this baby on fire.
- I thought we were gonna wreck it. - Use your head.
No sense getting killed for a girl.
- Sure you know what you're doing? - Relax, kid. I read the book.
Okay, pull over. Pull over.
We have to pull over.
Pull over now.
Okay.
We need to consider our actions and what the consequences will be.
Listen, asshole.
You've been making all the decisions for 16 years. Look at where you are.
I'm here to rescue you from yourself.
Just be quiet and let me blow some shit up.
Can I make one request since it's my life that we're talking about?
Can we keep it to the absolute minimum amount of destruction?
Yeah, perfect. Okay.
Absolute minimum. That's good.
I like that.
Let's get out of here!
Luckily no major injuries were reported...
...though several firefighters were hospitalized due to...
Hi, guys. How was dinner?
Keep your lips sewn, fucker.
You stole your mother's car and trailer and you set a $5 million fire?
I refuse to stand for such allegations.
Nicky, they have a description of the arsonist.
Right here. "White teenage male, approximately 5'9".
135 pounds, dirty blond hair.
Last seen pulling a trailer with 'God's Perfect Asshole' painted on the side."
That could be anyone.
God, my only son is going to prison. What am I gonna do?
No, no, no.
It's gonna be okay.
You know what? I'll tell you what.
I'll just say that Nick reported the car stolen before the fire.
This way it'll get him off the hook. Okay?
But I could take some serious, serious heat for this.
Oh, Lance, you are so wonderful.
What can I ever do to repay you?
I'll think of something.
Oh, but you know what? You know what, baby?
I don't think he should be here when the detectives come around.
Right?
So the best thing to do is to send him away for a while.
Let him go make his father's life miserable for a change.
- But I like it here. - You're gone, buster.
Hello?
Your son just burned down Berkeley. Come and get the brat.
- Estelle? - Start packing your bags.
Oh, no, no.
Aren't you going to punish him?
I'd say he deserves a good hiding.
He's just too much for me anymore. Can you do it, hon?
Yeah, I could help you out.
I stepped away for a few minutes.
Francois volunteered to take the thrashing.
A painful sacrifice for the woman I love.
You through, big man?
So off we go to beautiful Ukiah...
...where soon I'll be in the warm embrace...
...of the mother of my future gifted children.
- Hello? - Sheeni, it's Nick.
Hi, darling. Where are you?
I'm here. I'm in Ukiah.
I'm living with my dad. My mother kicked me out.
How did you do it?
I stole my mother's car and burned down half of Berkeley.
She had no choice but to send me away.
- Nicky, that's incredible. - Well, I did it for you, Sheeni.
I did it so that we could be together.
I bet you didn't think I had it in me, did you?
That is so romantic, Nicky. I don't know what to say.
It'll be just like we planned.
It'll be you and me and Albert, all together.
Hello, Mr. Saunders. Is Sheeni available?
She most certainly is not.
We know all about what you did in Berkeley, young man.
You are lucky I don't strangle you right here in Christ's eyes.
You're the devil and that dog is a hell beast.
You're lucky we don't call the police and have you arrested right now.
You're not gonna let me see Sheeni?
Sheeni's leaving.
- We're sending her away. - What?
To boarding school, where she'll be safe.
She's had a lot of bad influences here in Ukiah, you being the worst.
I'm in love with Sheeni. I can't live without her.
Live without her or die, we have no preference.
Stay out of our family's life.
Later Sheeni called and told me...
...she managed to turn disaster into an opportunity for herself.
She convinced her parents...
...to send her to a French prep school 200 miles away in Santa Cruz.
She says she's been wanting to go to this school since she was a little girl...
...and that going there...
...will improve her chances for going to school in Paris.
Things are bad.
How am I supposed to eat with this hideous dog staring?
He likes you, George.
Well, the feeling's not mutual.
Nick?
You won't be getting an allowance. Might wanna think about getting a job.
- Okay. - There's an opening at my office.
Typing and filing after school.
Isn't that what that boy Trent does?
Trent went away to some French-speaking prep school...
...down south. Santa Cruz, I think.
Hello.
- You're new here, right? - Yeah.
I'm Vijay Joshi. It's nice to meet you.
Nick Twisp. Pleasure to meet you.
So have you made many friends in Ukiah yet, Nick?
Not really. I moved here for my girlfriend...
...and she just went to some French school in Santa Cruz.
- Sheeni Saunders? - Yeah. Did you know her?
We were locker neighbors.
So you are her new fellow?
I'm surprised.
Why's that?
It's just that to replace the magnificent Trent Preston...
...one expects at least a minor deity.
It's good to know us short fellows have appeal with the ladies.
Right. I believe I'm of average height for my age, Vijay.
Do tell Sheeni I say hello.
How fortunate to attend L'Ecole des Arts.
I've always wanted to go.
- Do you speak French? - Yes, fluently.
She says English is forbidden on campus.
"Even if you are hemorrhaging from an accidental limb amputation."
She has a roommate from New York, Taggarty...
...who has already slept with 17 guys...
...and hopes to rack up 50 before college.
I really must meet this girl.
Keep going.
She says Trent has taken up windsurfing...
...and become target number one among all the girls in her class.
She's trying not to be jealous...
...but sometimes experiences twinges of distress.
She also says that Trent's presence on campus came as a shock to her...
...and that it is merely a coincidence they transferred to the same school.
Yeah. Somehow I can't feature that.
Trent has expressed interest in mending the relationship...
...and getting on like adults. I think she's happy...
...and looks forward to growth in this rich intellectual environment.
- I don't like the sound of this. - No.
And that roommate sounds like a bad influence.
She certainly sounds uninhibited.
I wonder if she likes intelligent boys.
Trent Preston is gonna mindfuck her into thinking she's too good for me.
Then he's probably going to fuck her in more literal ways.
I've gotta get down there.
I could accompany you and meet this Taggarty.
Okay. How are we gonna get down there?
- We could use my grandmother's car. - Will she let us have it?
She's hooked up to life-support equipment.
Permission is not a salient issue.
Vijay, that's great.
Excuse me. Do you guys know Sheeni Saunders?
Very helpful.
Excuse me. Do you guys know Sheeni Saunders?
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Do you see her? - I'm afraid not.
Do you guys know Sheeni Saunders?
Sheeni Saunders. Do you speak English?
You don't speak English? Liar.
Bullshit.
Speak English to me.
Nobody speaks English? This is America.
- You fucking kidding me? - Nick?
Sheeni.
Albert.
- Hello. - Hi.
I can't believe you came all this way. And with Albert.
I had to see you, Sheeni.
I can't stop thinking about you.
That's sweet.
And Albert won't stop talking about you.
Do you find your classes stimulating?
A few of them are all right.
At the moment I'm doing a historical analysis on the Ramayana.
Ah, yes.
Blow, oh wind To where my loved one is
Touch him
And come touch me soon
You two boys shouldn't sleep in your car tonight. It might not be safe.
We could sneak you in after lights out.
- Sounds great. - I'm in.
Madame, I am suffering from agonizing female troubles.
There's your competition.
You think that Trent fellow would sleep on the floor?
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm sorry, sweetie...
...but not with other people in the room.
Okay.
- Good night. - Night.
Who are you?
I'm Sheeni's friend Nick. I'm sorry to have disturbed you.
It's okay. You don't have to go.
So are you Sheeni's boyfriend or something?
Yeah.
And you're spending the night?
Where's Taggarty?
Sleeping. A friend and I are just camping out on the floor.
I get it. A slumber party.
I'm Bernice.
Bernice Lynch. Not that you asked.
Bernice Lynch, that's a very pretty name.
I think that my friend Trent Preston might have mentioned you.
Yeah, Bernice Lynch. But he said that you were frumpy and unpresentable.
Now that I've met you, I can see that Trent is a lying bastard.
I shouldn't be his friend if he goes around calling you trashy-looking.
What kind of person does that?
But, you know, he's been very sensitive and touchy...
...ever since he started doing steroids.
- Trent does steroids? - He does a lot of steroids.
He says it's to ensure that he becomes the best windsurfer.
He figures since he can't write poetry, he has to plagiarize...
You mean all of his poetry is stolen?
Of course. It's all classic Bobby Frost. Every word.
Trent and Sheeni can go to hell.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey, it's a bit cold on the floor.
Is it?
Yeah. Do you think maybe I could cuddle next to you?
The whole night?
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess that would be okay.
Or we could do more than just cuddle.
Nick.
I love it when you say my name.
Why don't you pull down these blankets...
...and show me what you're hiding under there?
Is that what you want me to do?
- Say yes. - That is exactly what I want you to do.
And then I wanna tickle your belly button...
...from the inside.
Nick, you're being so bad.
Not half as bad as the nasty things I wanna do right now with my tongue.
I'm gonna wrap your legs around my head...
...and wear you like the crown that you are.
If that's okay with you.
My God, what's gotten into you tonight?
I don't know, but let's go with it.
Nick!
Nick. You have to take Albert.
God, we were so close. Fuck.
How was it, Vijay?
It was magnificent.
I fear it could be terribly addicting.
This night has ignited in me a lust of disturbing insatiability.
Yeah, well, congratulations.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
Hello?
Mr. Ferguson, it's Nick.
Oh, Nick boy. How are you, son?
Not so good, Mr. Ferguson.
I'm attempting to smuggle a young illegal immigrant...
...who's fleeing political oppression on the subcontinent...
...but we've become stranded in our attempts...
...and now we face not being able to get to the sanctuary at all.
Oh, dear, the poor lad.
Yeah, it's breaking my heart. He's got the saddest look on his face.
Those poor girls.
They'll likely notify their parents, perhaps even expel them.
Expel them?
Oh, my God, you're right.
They'll be expelled.
Sheeni will have to come back to Ukiah.
Bernice, you sweet angel of the lavatory.
Come on.
Mr. Ferguson.
Good heavens.
You boys must be freezing.
And this must be the little soldier.
Welcome.
What's happened to your clothes, son?
INS took them.
Damn them.
When I was arriving by the customs, sir. It was so terrible.
They told me I was even lucky to keep my knickers.
Well, that nightmare is over.
And why don't you have any clothes on, Nick?
Solidarity.
Thanks for getting us, Mr. Ferguson.
So this safe house is in Ukiah?
That's right.
You're certain they'll take care of him?
Oh, yeah. They'll treat him as if he were their own.
After we dropped Vijay off, I asked Mr. Ferguson to spend the night.
It would give Dad a chance to reciprocate...
...for all the nights he spent on Mr. Ferguson's couch...
...before he and Mom finally tossed in the towel.
Mr. Ferguson agreed not to tell Dad about the refugee.
He understands that sometimes you have to lie for a greater cause.
You know what, you are a tight-assed, critical, sexist drunk.
Hey, honey, it doesn't bother me if you wanna sleep alone.
Well, does it bother you that you're a boring selfish lover?
I ran into Mr. Ferguson downtown. Is it okay if he spends the night?
What the hell are you doing in your underwear?
Hi, Nick.
Want a hit?
Sorry, do I know you?
I'm Paul. Sheeni's older brother.
Come on in.
- How'd you know it was me, Paul? - We've met.
No we haven't.
In a previous life.
Nice fire.
Did Sheeni tell you that was me?
She didn't have to.
Why? Was I an arsonist in a previous life?
No...
...but Sheeni was.
That's very good.
I spoke with Taggarty on the phone this morning.
She requested I send a wallet-sized photograph for her wall.
- So did they get expelled? - No.
Taggarty was able to convince the matron it was innocent.
Innocent? Are you kidding me?
I could have cut the sexual intercourse in that room with a knife.
Francois feels that a man can only take so much...
...before his dignity demands he rise up...
...against an absurd and unjust universe.
I'm going to need a partner in crime.
"Dear Bernice...
...it was nice meeting you in the bathroom.
I hope your stomach has settled.
I know you informed the matron of our presence...
...but I want you to know I hold no grudge.
You were still upset from hearing all the horrible things...
...Trent has been saying about you and probably weren't yourself.
I think Trent needs to be taught a lesson...
...for calling you a fat cow and an ugly whore.
I suggest you take revenge by getting Sheeni kicked out of school.
Everyone knows it would crush Trent if she were sent away.
How to get her kicked out of school, you may ask?
I have included a number of sleeping pills with this note.
You must introduce one into her breakfast beverage each morning.
She may be intelligent and beautiful, but is not likely to pass her courses...
...if she is falling asleep in class.
Since meeting you, I realize my interest in Sheeni...
...was merely an adolescent infatuation.
You seem like a much more genuine person.
Do you suppose there is any truth to the rumors...
...that Trent lost his virginity to his first cousin?
Perhaps you should ask around and see if anyone else heard that.
Be strong, Bernice. Take courage.
Affectionately yours, Nick Twisp."
Hi, folks.
Hi, Nick.
I didn't realize you two knew each other.
We met the other day and got to talking...
...and realized we both know you.
Isn't life funny? Paul, don't you think?
Only slightly.
We saved you some mushrooms, Nick.
It's gonna change your life.
Yeah, they're pretty powerful, so only take two.
Have fun.
Lacey.
What in fuck are you people doing?
Nick, what the fuck is going on?
Okay, George. Just calm down now.
Who the...? What...?
Calm down before the neighbors call the sheriff.
Okay, Lacey, come on.
Okay. You can get up? Yeah.
Get your hands off me, you fuck.
- Easy, George. - Fuck.
Fuck.
I apologize.
Bye, guys.
Bye, Nicky.
You know, Sheeni's coming home for Thanksgiving dinner.
You should be there.
But, Paul, your parents despise me.
Dinner's at 2. Hope you like turkey.
I love it.
- Hello? - Nick.
- Hi, Mom. What's up? - How are you?
I'm fine, Mom.
Lance and I are through.
He was being very rude to me.
And at my age, I don't have to stand for that.
That's good to hear, Mom.
Maybe you should try and be single for a while.
Romances don't seem to be your calling in life.
Listen, Nicky, when Lance stormed out...
...he said he was through covering for you.
The Berkeley police know that you set that fire...
...and Lance told them where you are.
Nicky, they're coming to arrest you.
Okay, Mom. Thanks for calling. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're still going over there? We need to get out town.
What about Sheeni?
Think.
Is this bitch worth going to jail for?
- Oh, hi, Nick. - Hi, Paul.
Right on time. Come on in.
I brought some maple bars for dessert.
- Fantastic. - They're really good.
- They smell good. - Hello.
- Happy Thanksgiving, Nicky. - Oh, hey, Lacey.
I brought some maple bars.
Oh, thank you. I'll set them out.
Mr. And Mrs. Saunders, you remember Nick, don't you?
Hi.
Paul served them an appetizer earlier.
Stuffed mushrooms.
Hey.
Nick.
Sheeni.
What's wrong? What's wrong?
What?
I was expelled.
What? Why?
For falling asleep in class.
For my grades.
I'm stuck back here with my parents in this horrible trailer.
My brother's lost his mind. He's drugged everyone.
- Let's get out of here. - What?
Let's run away together.
The police are after me. They know that I started the fire.
But we could be outlaws together, just like we planned.
- I have to think. - Sheeni. Dinner's ready.
- Everything's delicious. - Paul prepared the entire meal.
He just loves all the traditional Thanksgiving foods.
Well, I hope it's the first of many such occasions for myself.
- I'll get it. - Is someone here?
- Trent. - Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie.
- What are you doing here? - Can I come in?
Of course.
Hello, everyone.
Trent, this is Lacey, Paul's friend.
Yes, we've met before at my father's office.
- Yes. - You're looking wonderful, Lacey.
Oh, thank you.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - You too.
It's great to see you.
And this is Nick.
Hello, Nick.
Hello, Trent.
Have a seat, Trent.
I'm sorry, Sheeni, but I can't.
In fact, I have a bit of bad news.
What is it?
I searched the room of Bernice Lynch thoroughly from top to bottom.
Did you obtain proper authorization from school officials?
No, Nick. I acted on my own initiative.
I was curious as to why a girl as sweet as Bernice...
...would color me in such an unflattering light.
In Bernice's closet, I found...
...this letter.
In the letter, the writer expresses a strong affection for Bernice...
...and instructs her to begin a program of sedating Sheeni...
...with drugs that he himself supplied.
Nicky, you didn't. You could have killed me.
- Oh, Nicky. - Bad break, Nick.
- Who died? - No one yet, Mrs. Saunders.
- Arrest him. - I can't arrest him.
I have called the Santa Cruz police. They're on their way here right now.
Well, I'll be leaving.
Please continue without me.
Nick.
I would advise you to remain here...
...and face the consequences of your actions like a man.
Well, thank you for that unsolicited counsel, Trent.
And please do drop dead.
Goodbye, Sheeni.
I need your help. We need to hurry. We need to get out of here, okay?
- We need to leave. - Nick, where the hell have you been?
The cops were looking for you.
They barged in, found my illegal satellite dish...
We need to go right now. I need you to put me up in a motel.
Are you fucking crazy?
Do you expect me to let you get away with all this?
That's it. I'm calling the cops.
Dad, you're gonna send your only son to prison?
Hey, I don't need a lecture from a fucking arsonist.
At least give me your car so I can get out of here.
If you think I'm gonna give you my car you got another thing coming.
Dad!
You're not a little kid anymore.
You gotta face the music, Nick.
Dad.
Nick.
Open this door, Nick.
I'm warning you, don't you do this.
Nick.
Open this door. You open this...
Nick, get back here.
You stop this car right now, I'm warning you.
You're in trouble!
We stopping to admire the scenery or something?
- I don't want to leave without Sheeni. - Cut the shit.
I can live as a woman. I can change my name to Carlotta.
Why don't you start the fucking car?
I can't leave with her hating me. I have to go back.
I have to tell her that everything I did was for her.
Let me paint you a little picture, Nick.
You go back, they bust you, you go to jail.
Sheeni goes on with her life.
Fuck Sheeni.
All right.
I'm gonna help you get back to your lady.
But you better get laid this time.
If you end up going to jail a virgin, I won't be sticking around.
Now give me 25 cents, Carlotta.
- Officer Lance Westcott, please. - One moment.
Officer Westcott.
Hey, asshole, it's me.
Nick. You little shit. You know you're going to jail, right?
I'm calling to make it easy for you.
Hazel Park, one hour. Round up your friends.
I'm turning myself in. Fuck you.
Holy shit, you've lost your mind.
Wait.
- patience is beginning to wear thin and they understand why.
Terrence?
The measure goes before the full state legislature...
...at the end of the current session.
Repeating our top story...
...a police source has identified Nicholas Twisp as a suspect...
...in last September's massive fire in downtown Berkeley.
We have an exclusive interview with one of Twisp's former classmates.
I just hope that society isn't too severe in judging Nicholas.
So often my generation is portrayed as a juvenile and wasteful group.
He needs help.
And he's better off in the hands of the authorities.
Twisp is 5'9", 135 pounds...
...with brown eyes, dirty-blond hair and a pale complexion.
He was last seen in the vicinity of Ukiah.
Who's that?
Hello, Mrs. Saunders. I'm Carlotta, Sheeni's friend from school.
Oh, hello there.
I've come to memorize church hymns with Sheeni for this Sunday's services.
Sheeni's coming to church?
That's my understanding, yeah.
Oh, well, please do come in.
Thank you. Thank you.
Sheeni?
Your friend Carlotta's here.
Phil, this is Carlotta.
She says that Sheeni's coming to church with her on Sunday.
Well, nice to meet you, young lady.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Saunders.
Hello, Sheeni.
Hello, Carlotta.
May I come up?
You got me expelled.
I'm sorry, Sheeni.
Do you realize what life is like for me here?
Do you have any idea?
Sheeni, I've been alone my whole life.
I do know what it's like.
I burned down Berkeley for you.
I destroyed both of my parents' cars.
I've lied and manipulated and had you sedated.
I did all that so that...
...we wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
You're him, aren't you?
I'm him?
You're my Francois.
You're the one I've been looking for.
Sheeni...
...I want what you want.
I wanna live all over the world and have adventures.
But I'm not Francois.
I'm the guy who saw you and fell in love with you...
...and would do anything for you.
That's who I am.
I don't wanna give you this...
...but I don't have anything else to discard.
Thank you very much and here's your change.
Always shop at...
It's a wonder that humankind has constructed any kind of civilization...
...with this monumental distraction at hand.
Trent.
- What are you doing here? - I brought the police.
I wasn't fooled for one second when I saw that ugly girl walking up.
- You were lurking outside my house? - Of course.
Protecting you.
Trent, you're a very nice person...
...but I just don't have those feelings for you.
- You're going to jail. - I don't wanna hurt you.
I'll only ask once that you and your adorable sweater step away from the...
- Son of a bitch. - Let go of me.
- Come here, you little shit. - Get off, you son of a bitch.
- Get off of me. - Son of a bitch.
This is the arsonist.
All right.
Just relax.
It's over.
I might be away for a long time, darling.
You're 16. You're going to juvenile detention.
- You'll be out in three months. - So you'll wait for me?
Where the hell else am I gonna go?
Well, I'm headed for a stint in juvenile detention.
I can at least feel comforted by the fact that I'm not going in a virgin.
And at lunchtime...
...when hardened offenders gather to swap tales of teenage rebellion...
...I bet they'll find mine hard to top.
Sheeni says she'll wait for me...
...and that when I'm released, we'll finally be together and free.
And I believe her.
I can feel in my heart that Sheeni is in love with me.
Not with some fantasy lover in a French romantic novel...
...but with me...
...Nick Twisp.
It's funny.
After all that...
...Nick Twisp was enough.