[MOOING]
[MOOS]
MAN: There's an old saying:
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
It's a fascinating philosophical query.
Marriage versus sex.
And if you're considering the former,
odds are you'll hear the saying from a friend who claims
to be getting an abundant amount of the latter.
And, incidentally, it's bullshit.
Bullshit? You think this is bullshit?
Well, yeah.
Well, it isn't. After five years, I think I have
the right to broach the subject.
So you broach and we talk. You don't have to give me
an ultimatum--
Ugh! Don't use that word. I hate that word.
I'm not too fond of it either,
but what else would you call this?
A deadline.
[CHORUS VOCALIZING]
So I'm a little indecisive.
-It doesn't mean you have to hold a gun to my head.
-[BEEPING]
-Hey! -Sorry.
Don't be so melodramatic. That's why I'm taking
this transfer.
I'll be 3,000 miles away. I can't hold a gun to your head.
-Stop saying that! -[BEEPING]
Shit! Admit it.
You're using this transfer thing as an ulti-- Deadline.
Okay, so I wouldn't have signed up for it
if you hadn't freaked on Tyler's news.
-[PHONE RINGING, BEEPS] -Hello?
David! What's up, what's up, what's up!
Tyler, you are wasted. Sarah.
TYLER [ON PHONE]: Oh, damn. How'd you know, my brother?
-[PHONE BEEPS] -The faux urban street slang.
-Nigger, please! -What time is it back there,
like, 2:00?
You know this city never sleeps. You ought to be countin'
on your sheep.
Hey, listen, man. I met the most amazing woman.
-She is-- -Fly?
Better than fly, man. She's super fly.
What'd I tell you about drinking and dating?
Why don't you go to bed and sleep her off?
-Dude, we're gettin' married! -What?
[LAUGHS] You got to meet her, man.
-You and Sarah. She's like-- -Super fly?
She's better than super fly, man.
She's the one. You know how they say you can just tell?
David? Yo, you still there, bitch?
Yeah, I'm here. I'm just--
This is it, man. It just hit me, you know?
It was like a blinding realization, like pure truth.
Anyway, you and Sarah got to meet her.
You're gonna love her.
Her name's Julie. She's sweet. She's beautiful.
She's choco-licious.
-[PHONE CLATTERS IN GLASS BOWL] -Tyler? Hello? Tyler? You okay?
[SLURPING]
-[SLURPING CONTINUES] -Sounds like true love.
So, you are leaving me alone to deal with this for two months?
You need to be alone to deal with this,
which is why I strongly advise you against
consulting with Mike.
Bellissimo. Magnifico.
You are so hot.
You beast.
Is that Ricky Martin over there?
God, no. That's Mike Hanson.
You're beautiful. Hey. Shh. Modesty now. Modesty.
I love you. Shh, shh, shh! No words.
No, I'm not. Yes, I am.
Don't do it. I'm doin' it.
Don't do it. I did it.
-[DEEP VOICE] I'd do me. -[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, man! The teste tuck again?
Do you like what you see?
-No? -Would you put on some clothes?
We only got two hours of happy hour left.
Okay, let me just get my towel, okay?
-[GROANS] -Oh, got it. There we go.
You got issues. I mean, real issues.
He may be your friend, but he's no Deepak Chopra.
He is also not running off to New York.
Use this time to make an informed decision,
or none of this will mean anything.
I can't let this not mean anything.
Whoo, boy. So you love her, right?
-Of course I love her. -Well, there you go.
Let's not get carried away here, guys.
No one's doubting your love for each other, all right?
A blind man could smell your love.
-But this is a major-- -Huge.
No, colossal thing you're considering here.
As your friend it's my duty to ask
the tough questions, okay?
-DAVID: What? -Sex?
Sex is still good?
Yeah, the sex is awesome. Look, I've got no complaints
with what we have.
It'd be a lot easier if I did.
There's got to be something. You waited five years.
-So what is this? -It's nothing.
Let's just drop it.
We're your friends. We want
to help you, but we can't do it unless you let us in!
-It's no one thing, all right? -Okay!
There's a lot of factors in this kind of situation.
So, what is it? Give us one.
-Other women, all right? -You've had other women?
How many?
I'm not quite sure that I've had enough.
JONESY: That's ridiculous. How many is enough?
-It's twice your age. -Oh, shit. Really?
Hey, Mike. It's not about quantity. It's about quality.
MIKE: Oh, eat me.
What's wrong with going for both quality and quantity?
Oh, yeah. Be the best you can be.
That's the American way.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Whoo!
-MIKE: Foul. -Foul?
-That's foul. -What foul?
Humping. Before the shot, you were humping me.
-Oh, I was humping you? -Prison style.
Yeah, whatever. If I was humping you, you'd know it.
-Would I? -Yeah, you'd know it.
You'd feel it if I was. I wasn't humping you.
-MIKE: Deep, right? -JONESY: Yep.
DAVID: A little help?
The thing is, I never expected to feel empowered.
For better or for worse, something is set into motion,
and I set it off.
God. Am I a manipulative bitch or what?
Welcome to my world.
You should feel empowered. It wasn't easy,
but it had to be done.
What was the alternative? To keep waiting?
It's not like the sex gets better with every
passing year, right?
[GROANS] I'm sorry that was so quick.
-I'm kind of beat. -That's okay.
Orgasms are overrated anyway.
Hey, South Park's on.
Look, you had the courage to look him
in the eye and say,
"Buddy boy, it's time to shit or get off the pot."
And marrying me would be the shit part of
that colorful analogy? Thanks.
WOMAN: Okay. I'll be right back.
I'm sorry. I don't get it. Sarah's hot, man.
Behind every good-looking chick is a guy
who's tired of nailing her.
-Am I right, Davey? -No, you're wrong, asshole.
So who's missing from your repertoire?
Cowgirls, Wilderchicks, the Amish, what?
It's not like that. Let's just drop it,
all right?
Do you guys believe in "the one"?
As in one soul mate, a perfect match that
completes us, makes us whole?
-Exactly. -Hell, no.
I don't know. But if there
is such a thing and Sarah's it, then that means it's inevitable.
-It's a lock, right? It's like destiny.
-Yeah, I guess so.
Okay, so if it's inevitable, why rush into it?
You're still not telling us everything.
Of course I'm not. You're my friends.
It's stupid.
-Come on! Help us help you. -Please, man.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you guys a little story.
I have never told anyone this...
before... ever.
When I was 18 years old,
my family and I were flying home
from a vacation we took in the Caribbean.
-[WAVES CRASHING] -It was a fun time.
-[SEA GULL SCREECHING] -Very nice vacation, Club Med.
We were in line to get on board,
when I happened to glance over to the gate across from us,
and that's when I saw... her.
She glowed.
There was, like, a light all around her.
It was blinding.
I swear I have never felt anything
that powerful before or since.
Something about her sucked me away from that plane
and drew me right back to her.
There she was.
With a strength I wish I still possessed,
I floated towards her.
I introduced myself and told her how I felt.
I gave her my address
and told her if she felt it, too, she should write me.
Young blood had him some balls.
I had no choice. I was being driven
by a higher power.
Call it the lightning bolt. Call it a connection,
destiny.
-So did she write you? -Not at first.
Every day I checked that mailbox.
I checked all that summer, and nothing.
Then, one day, it came.
It was more than I could have hoped for.
She professed her love to me.
She said she, too, got a jolt down her spine
that glorious day we met.
It was more beautiful and poetic than she was,
which I didn't think was possible at the time.
I immediately wrote her back.
I told her that I wanted us to run away together,
make love under the stars,
make babies.
It was clear to both of us.
We belonged together.
No fear.
No doubt. Perfect.
-Young love. -Mm-hmm.
Too young, as it turned out.
[POLICE RADIO, INDISTINCT]
Apparently, she was an amazingly hyperdeveloped
11-year-old girl.
-JONESY: What?! -Eleven?!
Her parents found my letters and quite understandably...
freaked out.
-What were you thinking?! -DAVID: They contacted
our local authorities,
who swiftly moved in to stop the town's budding pedophile.
After they made my father promise that his sicko son
would cease contact with any more little girls,
they left him to scream at me for over an hour, mostly
about how I could flush
any chances of a political career down the toilet.
[GRUNTS] That's a fucked-up story, man.
You're the only people I've ever told.
Can you keep it that way?
It makes you seem kind of creepy.
[RINGING, BEEPS]
-David Collins Graphics. -Hey!
Sarah, hey. How are you?
I just thought I'd call and see how you were.
I'm fine. How are you? How's New York?
Busy, but this city is so incredible.
I wish you were here with me. Oops. Shit.
"Oops, shit" what? Why "Oops, shit"?
I made a list of all the things I wasn't going to say to you,
like, "I miss you, I wish you were here," all that.
-So how are ya? -Miss you.
Wish you were here. All that.
[LAUGHS] Hey, I talked to Tyler.
He and I are gonna try to get together for dinner,
Great, great. Be sure to thank them
for ruining my life.
Listen, I just wanted to let you know I made it here okay.
Oh. Is that it?
Well, I gotta get back to work, so I should--I should go.
Yeah. Yeah, me too. Uh--
Okay. Bye, David.
[PHONE BEEPS]
I'm just saying, it's been a week and a half now.
All you've done is sit around the apartment.
It's no good.
She wants me to give the situation serious thought, and
that's what I'm trying to do.
-Finish it, Tiny! -Uh-huh.
How's that working so far? Been doing a lot of thinking?
No.
No! You are useless! [SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[CROWD CHEERING]
-What was that? He can't do that.
-Actually, I think he can.
She wants me to make an informed decision,
and I'm gonna respect that.
No, what she wants is for you to wallow around
your apartment like some hermit.
Ante up. Who you like?
-Give me five on super thong. -I'm gonna take the one
with the nice rack.
She is bankin' on your misery, bro,
hoping you will sit around bumming out.
-Oh! -That's gotta hurt.
And that, my friend, is how you make
an uninformed decision.
You want to make a truly informed decision?
Get off your ass and go see what it's like out there.
Get in the game.
The game, I.E., hitting the meat market clubs with you.
No. No, no. No, hitting them with me and Jonesy.
DAVID: There are some major fundamental problems
I have with,
"Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
conundrum.
For one thing, women are not cows.
And by that I mean, they're not so generic.
I think most reasonable people would agree that a cow
is a cow is a cow.
This is not true of women.
Things might be simpler if it were.
[TECHNO POP]
MAN [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
-MAN: Yeah! -Yo, Mike.
-Excuse me. -Mikey.
-Excuse me. -Scotch.
-It's packed. -Yeah, busy.
-Busy. -Yeah. Thank you.
Hey, excuse me. You might have
offered to help me.
If you please, a beer for my friend.
[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you.
Hey, man, listen. Sorry to do this to you,
but I gotta go.
-Sure. -Hey, asshole.
What is your problem?
-You shouldn't drink any more. -Why shouldn't I?
I just got here.
-Because you're driving me home.
-Oh, God.
Oh, God.
-What's up? -Hey, hey, hey.
-Buy you a drink? -Actually, I think
I'm going to leave.
-You ain't married, are you? -Not yet.
You'd better hurry though.
-Another round. Did Mikey show?
-Yes.
Cute. How'd he play her?
I think he used the you're-less-than-nothing-to-me
strategy.
It never fails, man.
You miss her, huh?
You kidding?
Surrounded by all these available women?
More than ever.
I know the feeling, only worse.
Imagine feeling like that in this place... without
havin' anybody to miss.
Hey, how you doin'?
[EXHALES] You ready to go?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Okay, so you had a close encounter with something.
You saw the light in the airport.
Ten years later, it's still messin' with your head.
It was important. It set the bar for me
on some level. Is that so bad?
It's bad if it keeps you from hooking up with
a woman who's attractive,
smart and of legal consenting age.
What if she's still out there? Don't I at least owe it
to myself to try and find her?
You're hunting Sasquatch. See? There she is.
Shadow lady? She's a Sasquatch?
She's the myth, the perfect woman.
[SCOFFS] A figment of our dumb-ass male imagination.
Slap a face on the shadow bitch, and she ceases to be perfect,
because she becomes real.
So what exactly is all this crap?
It's market research,
insurance for the creatives who came up with
this shitty campaign.
If I can coerce a focus group to say that a picture
of an anorexic model
bottle-feeding two large men in diapers
makes them want to buy a pair of jeans,
then I've done my job.
That is a twisted way to make a living.
I know, but at least it's the fashion biz, right?
-So why don't you just move here?
-I don't know.
-Maybe I will. -Who is that?
It's Mr. Hahn, my boss.
And you get paid?
D, look at it mathematically.
If just one person hooks up with somebody
who isn't their soul mate,
you got a chain reaction that screws it up for
everybody on the planet.
Your soul mate ends up with someone else's who
settles for someone else's--
Which makes it all the more important
to find the right person.
It's a glass-half-empty, glass-half-full scenario.
If you ask me, your glass is half full of crap.
-You sure you don't want any late night eats?
-No. I'm out of here. Take care.
[WHIRRING]
-You got a problem? -How's the chili?
I'd give my right arm for a bowl.
[LAUGHS]
I'll hand that-- I'll have that.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That was the glow.
That was the feeling you got in the airport.
It's happening again.
I'm gonna do this. Can you do this?
Can you answer the call?
You've done it before. You're gonna do it again. Go.
I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this.
Can you? Can you? [EXHALES] Don't let her get away.
[GASPS] Where did she go?
Where did that girl go? Where did she--
She left, crap-sack.
Creep.
Wait up! Stop, stop!
Stop! Wait up! Don't go! Don't--
[RINGING]
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Quick Match Personals.
May I help you?
[WHISPERING] Hi. I'd like to
place a personal ad.
-I'm sorry. Can you please speak up?
-A personal ad.
I want to place a personal--
Hello? Is anyone there?
Hello?
Sorry. I dropped the phone. I'm here. This is my first time.
Okay, here goes.
Wanted: soul mate.
Potential soul mate...
looking for his... soul mate.
You: Soul mate material. Me: Open, intelligent and--
-Soul mate-y? -Yes.
[RINGING]
-[BEEPS] -Who's dead?
Somebody better be dead.
Hey, hey, Tyler. Man, it's Mikey. I wake ya?
-What time is it? -It's 1:00 in the morning,
4:00 to you. Sorry, man.
What's wrong? What happened?
-Nothin'. I just wanted to talk.
-At 4:00 in the morning?
It's cheaper.
Listen, Ty, uh, how'd you do it?
-How did I do what? -How did you, you know, uh--
How did you find somebody who made the cut?
I don't know. It was just this feeling that hit me,
like a blinding realization,
like pure truth.
What is this all about?
Nothin'. Nothin'.
Forget it. Hey, congratulations.
-Mike? -Yeah?
Pull this shit again, you don't get to be my best man.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -[BEEPS]
Always a best man, never a man.
Head up, head up. Good, good.
Oh, my God. This is so exciting.
I think I just met Naomi Campbell's hair person.
So, um, is there anything we should be doing?
This is the glamorous world of market research.
We just sit around until somebody wonders--
Why are those men wearing diapers?
Uh, I guess I can answer that question for you, sir.
You can answer that?
Yes, we did research in the Midwest which indicated
that our target market was getting younger, as you can see.
Our focus groups taught us that it would be wise to do
a preemptive strike,
and showcase young imagery in our new campaigns.
And this explains why I'm spending $2 million
putting grown men in Huggies?
You realize if I did this in my basement and posted them on
the Internet, I'd be arrested.
Also save a lot of money.
What are you doing for lunch?
I'm sorry, Julie couldn't make it tonight.
She really does want to meet ya.
-Me too. -Yeah.
But at least now you can tell me how all of this happened.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
-You used to refer to marriage as--
-I know, I know!
Cruel and unusual punishment. It's her.
She's just hit me like a truck.
But you were ready for it, right?
You were wandering around in traffic?
Yeah, I guess it was in traffic.
If it can happen to me, though, it can happen
to anybody, right?
Anybody who isn't Mike, of course.
You know what? I got a strange call
from Mike the other day.
He seemed genuinely concerned not to have
somebody in his life.
Mike in a relationship?
Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?
Nostradamus predicted it.
He said in the latter part of the 20th century
the lone cock would crow no more.
That's scary.
Why do you think David's so reluctant to take
the next step with me?
Oh. David?
I was playing the field, all right?
I got burned out on it.
Uh, you know, David hasn't exactly
been out playing the field.
He's been playing house with me.
It's a fun game.
SARAH: So let me get this straight.
By working at a relationship with this guy
for the past five years,
I have actually undermined any possibility
of a future with him?
-TYLER: -Yeah, maybe. No, I don't know.
-SARAH [sighs]
TYLER: David's a really sharp guy.
He'll probably come to his senses.
-I mean, you're all he wants. -I'm all he knows.
Well, that can work.
-[CLICKING] -SARAH: David, it's me.
It's late, and you're not home.
That's good. I hope you're out having fun.
Look, I know this sounds weird,
but if you need to see other women to figure this stuff out,
I can handle it.
Maybe it's being here on my own
or from asking you for a decision,
I guess I've gained a new perspective on things.
I think it's important for us to explore whatever
options we need to,
so if that's part of it for you,
just know that I understand.
[BEEPING]
[TECHNO MUSIC]
She second-guessed our move. She's more cunning than
I thought. She's good.
-You're lucky I'm on board. -It's not like her.
Why would she say it's okay to go out with other women?
Why indeed?
Shouldn't you be out there playing wing man for Jonesy?
Please.
I never realized you were so picky.
You think I'm one of these assy scam-hounds?
I have very particular tastes, a strict list of qualities
I look for in a woman.
I'm not just fuckin' around out here.
What? Seriously. All this play I get?
I'm not wastin'... my time.
It's practice. It's practice
for the big game.
-Maybe it's not a game. -Mmm.
You've been off the circuit way too long, brother.
Of course it's a game.
It's better than a game. It's a sport.
It's better than a sport even. It's sport fishing.
Case in point.
Look at him. See those chicks
he's wastin' it on?
Hi, ladies! Those are bass.
We all go bass fishing from time to time.
You can get really good at it with practice. Yay!
But while he's spending all of his time hooking up
with bottom-feeders,
the crucial skills he'll need to hook his wife are atrophying.
You see, scamming's like fishing.
If your dream girl were a fish, what would she be?
I don't know. Tuna?
Yeah. No. A marlin.
A big trophy fish.
To catch a marlin, you've got to use entirely
different skills.
You don't go marlin fishing with a sorry-ass fold-out pole
six-pound test.
That'll do for bass, but it sure as shit
ain't gonna land a marlin.
You gotta up your game.
You gotta know where the elusive beauties lie.
You gotta know where to fish.
They're rare. Most days
you don't catch shit, but when you do--
[LAUGHS] Wham!
The two of you are back at the dock taking pictures.
DAVID: Okay, another huge flaw I have with:
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is this:
milk is not free.
The point is, if you're hankering for some milk,
one way or another, you're gonna have to pay for it.
-[TECHNO MUSIC] -MAN: Hey!
[WOMAN SINGS, INDISTINCT]
MAN: Wow.
Oh!
You diggin' this? I told ya I'd make it up to ya.
Please point out which of these lovely young ladies is a marlin.
MIKE: We're done fishin' for the day, buddy.
-We're at the aquarium now. -Hi, guys.
Checkin' out the exotic fishies.
And look. They even got one of those petting tanks.
DAVID: Oh, my God.
WOMAN: I've already told him about you,
and his friend is totally hot.
Sarah, you have got to get my back.
I have been after this guy for a week.
They're going to be here in an hour,
so just get my back.
I gotta go. I'll do what I can. Bye.
Hi.
Hey.
Have you given any thought to our conversation the other day?
It's all I've been thinking about.
But the problem is, I'm involved with someone back in L.A.
But I'm not sure what's happening with us.
-I need more time to figure it out.
Is that okay? -Of course.
Just don't take too long.
[TECHNO MUSIC]
Oh, yeah!
Gosh, a dollar. Now I can quit stripping
and go back to vet school and save my sick pony.
-[LAUGHS] -Thanks, Mike.
-[COUGHS] -You're a prince.
-Amy? -David, you know her?
Holy shit! It is Amy!
Give me a sec. I have to make one last go-around.
-You guys know her? -From school.
I can't believe this is happening.
She looks great.
She definitely lost that freshman 15.
Oh, she looks hot! Damn!
-Oh! -Hey, you guys.
How are you two?
-[CLEARS THROAT] -You work here?
This is awesome.
-No, Mike, I'm just hangin'. -This is such a surprise.
-Yeah, you look good-- -[COUGHING]
Amy, this is Jonesy. Jonesy, this is Amy.
-How you doin'? -Pleasure to meet you.
[DEEP VOICE] Uh-huh. Pleasure's all mine.
Turn it down a notch. You're channeling
Barry White again.
Hey, was she this hot when you two were dating?
Hold it, he went out with a stripper?
Actually, I was just a freshman back then,
studying to be a stripper.
David helped me bone up on my pole-dancing exam.
Can I buy you a drink for old times' sake?
-Yeah. -Come on.
They're gonna do it.
I often wonder how long we would have lasted if
I hadn't broken up with you.
Two-and-a-half days. I was gonna dump you
right after my last final.
I didn't have the time to get into a big emotional thing
with you. I had to study.
What a... relief.
This whole time I thought I broke your heart.
Give me a break. We weren't in love or anything.
We were just having fun.
-See, there were no expectations back then.
-Give me a hand with this.
I mean, when did that change?
Um, it didn't. You did.
It only seems different now because you outgrew it.
-I don't know. -I do.
Just look at your dick-with-ears friend out there.
Do you think that Amy chick would take the bait?
-I thought that was Dave's old flame.
-Keyword: "was."
Damn it! I bet I could have had her.
Back when she was goin' out with your best friend?
That would have been real cool.
You bet. Although I'm sure she wasn't as hot back then.
-You look unbelievable. -Thanks.
[EXHALES]
When did it get so difficult to figure out what I want?
Oh, if you're like most people, darlin',
right around the time you found something
worth wanting.
Hand me that dildo, will you?
She circled my ad.
[PANTING]
[WHIRS]
DAVID: She circled my ad!
[LAUGHING]
[BEEPING]
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Quick Match mailbox number 247.
You have 32 messages.
To play unheard messages, press three.
To delete messages, press two.
WOMAN [IN SPANISH ACCENT]: Hola, Soul Mate.
I search for you for a long time.
I think we should get together.
I have dark hair, dark eyes and a nipple key ring.
I'm a maid, see, so I have lots of keys.
-Lots and lots-- -[KEYS JINGLING]
MAN: Your ad intrigued me, Soul Mate.
A little about myself-- I love dressing up
and getting down.
I'm somewhat of a walking contradiction--
open-minded, yet lactose-intolerant.
I yearn for someone who enjoys big surprises. Call me.
[BEEPING]
[BEEPS]
-[SNORING] -[BEEPING]
WOMAN: If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again.
If you--
[BEEPING]
[LINE RINGING]
WOMAN: Hello, David. I've been waiting for your call,
ever since I saw you in that Mexican restaurant.
I've fantasized about us, our bodies entwined
and covered in salsa.
Salsa.
We're destined to be together, David.
It's just like--
Chips and salsa?
That's right. And now--
-[LINE BEEPS] -Oh, that's my other line.
Hold on.
-WOMAN: Hello? -MIKE: David! It's Mike.
You there? Pick up.
Come on! Pick up, David. This is important.
-Mike? -David, it's happened to me.
Congratulations. Look, I'm really
not feeling very--
No, listen, David.
I am lying naked in a strange bed,
staring at the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen in my entire life.
Tell her I said hi. I've really got to go now.
No, no, no. She's not here.
I'm looking at her picture, okay?
Damn marlin jumped right into my boat, caught me unawares.
What are you talking about?
Okay, that whole after hours rave?
Complete blank. The last solid memory I have
was drinking some green glowy shit
out of a test tube
and dancing like a bastard.
-But, David-- -What?
Something magical happened in this room last night.
Something... bigger than sex--
although sex was definitely a factor.
-But you don't remember. -No, last night's a total blur.
But listen. I woke up this morning, and I've got...
the feeling.
-Is it a burning sensation? -No, no, David!
The feeling. When you just know,
the pure blinding truth stuff.
I've met her, David.
For the first time in my life, I think I'm in love. Me.
-[CLATTERING] -Oh, shit, here she comes.
Gotta go, moment of truth. Bye.
[DOOR OPENS]
Good morning, sunshine.
Oh, is that for me?
Oops. You've been deflowered.
I can't believe you're even up after that performance
you gave last night.
In my book, you deserve to sleep for a week.
Oh, my. hung over and clumsy.
It's okay. I'll take
care of that. You just
save your strength.
-The bathroom? -What?
The bathroom. I don't feel too well.
Oh, it's right around the corner, lover.
You pretty boys are all the same.
Strong stamina and weak stomachs.
It's right there.
-[SLAMS] -Hmph.
You okay in there?
This isn't happening. It's cool.
-Michael? -Just a sec!
Hmph.
Laura was pretty impressed with you last night,
even before you two started wakin' the neighborhood.
-[WATER RUNNING] -I'm into chicks. I love chicks.
Breasts, legs, long hair.
-MAN [CHATTERING] -And breasts.
I've never seen her make breakfast for herself, and we've
been roommates for three years.
Oh, Laura ran to the store to get you some B-12.
She should be back any minute.
Dad... sit down.
[WATER CONTINUES RUNNING]
I'm gay.
No! No, or I was fucked up or experimenting,
you know, like mom's college years.
Oh, God! It is genetic.
-[KNOCKING] -MAN: I'll be out
on the deck, okay?
When you're... done, let's talk.
After what happened-- [LAUGHS] last night,
it'd mean a lot to me if we got to know each other better.
Oh, yeah! You betcha! I'll be right out!
Jumpy little breeder.
[GROANS]
Shit!
[GROANS]
[HUMMING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS, SHOUTS IN SPANISH]
Oh! Oh, God!
-[WHIMPERING] -[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
No! Watch it! [SHOUTING]
-[BLUBBERING] -[SCREAMS]
-[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
[WOMAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
[GROANS]
-Oh, God. -BOY: Wow!
That was just like Spider-Man.
Actually, kid, I, uh--
I am Spider-Man, and I lost my costume.
-I'm gonna need your shirt, okay?
-Sure, Spidey.
-This is so cool. -Yeah.
Give you a little hand here.
Billy! Get away from that man!
Oh, no, no, no. Sir, I can explain. I, uh--
No, it's not this.
Sir! Sir? Sir?
Sir?
-You sick son of a-- -No. No.
Daddy, no. Don't shoot Spidey.
He's my special friend.
-No. -Billy!
-No, boy, get-- -Stop, drop and roll.
Don't do it!
Whoo!
Run, Spidey, run!
[SIREN WAILING]
-[GUNSHOT] -Whoo!
Okay, dog, it's Snausage time.
[BARKING]
MAN [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ON TV]
WOMAN [ON TV MOANING]
[POLICE DOG BARKING, GROWLING]
[DOG THUDS, YELPS]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
This country's just gone to shit.
Damn! Look at that little sodomite go.
[GASPS]
Nice work, Laura. Another asshole.
-[BEEPS] -[SIGHS]
[BEEPING]
Hello, is Susan there?
Hi, Susan. My name is David. You answered my personal ad--
Yeah, yeah.
That's the one. That's me.
Hi. How are you? It's nice to talk to you.
Listen, um--
I think we should probably get together sometime soon.
Hi, Cynthia. How are you? David. That's right.
"Soul Mate" guy. What do you say Papa San,
5:00, Tuesday?
All righty. We'll see you then.
Goin' to hell. Going to hell.
Hi, Kathleen. I got it.
Tuesday, Papa San.
Tuesday? Papa San, five-ish?
Oh, I don't know. Papa San? 5:00, Tuesday?
[LAUGHS] Hi. Excuse me.
Um, you aren't David, by any chance, are you?
No, no, sorry.
Oh.
I'm going straight to hell for this.
-WOMAN: David? -It's Ralph.
Close enough though.
[CHATTERING]
Sorry. I'm meeting someone.
I've got to get out of here.
Hi, David.
Nicole? What are you doing in L.A.?
I'm in town for my cousin's bar mitzvah.
What are you doing?
I'm, uh-- I'm leaving.
This place is such a meat market,
a total singles' scene.
-Excuse me. Did you just call him David?
-Yeah, that is his name--
Nickname. It's my nickname.
Only my close friends call me that.
-What are you talking about? -Who has David for a nickname?
I do. It's short for...
Davidian, Branch Davidian.
-Wait. Are you here
to meet a David too? -WOMAN 1: Yeah.
-Who are you? -Did you answer an ad
in Quick Match personals?
David, do you know these women?
-You son of a-- -Soul Mate, my ass!
My name isn't David!
-[GROANING] -[GRUNTING]
[GROANING] Stop it, please!
Excuse me. I'm late.
I'm supposed to meet someone here--
Some shit monkey invited four women from the same dating
service at the same time!
Why? Why? Just get down here, all right?
-Send ambulances. Send lots of ambulances!
-What?
DAVID: Look, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I've been a bad boy.
How does it look? Is it bad?
Uh, no, you're good.
So, we're about the same age.
Tell me, how does one develop such intense hatred for women
in such a short amount of time?
Publicly humiliating four women you've never
even met before?
I thought maybe I had met one of them before.
I was wrong.
Go ahead. Call Sarah. Rat my miserable ass out.
Forget it.
I might lash out at an entire gender, too, if I had to face
what you're dealing with.
Must be tough.
Wow. You're the last person I would have expected
sympathy from on all this.
Well, it can't be easy, especially now.
What do you mean, now?
Maybe you'd better call her.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Come on, Sarah. Just pick up the damn--
-WOMAN: Hello?
-Hello, Sarah? -This is Amber.
I work with Sarah.
-Can I take a message? -I need to know where she is.
She left a little early today. Had a dinner engagement--
Um, an appointment.
-With who? -Who is this?
This is her boyfriend, David.
Oh, I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
Well, she does. Listen, I'm sorry.
I really don't know who you are.
But I'd really appreciate it if you could
just tell me who she--
She is out with Andrew-- Mr. Hahn.
-[CLATTERING] -Mr. Hung?
Yeah, the big guy.
Are you sure you're her boyfriend?
I mean, she knows that you're her boyfriend,
and everything, right?
So how long have you been married?
Seven years.
Must be nice to have that kind of security.
I'm the poster boy for happily married.
But security, that's a rare thing these days,
especially in marriage.
That's a somber outlook for the happily married
poster boy.
Fifty percent divorce rate in this country.
The only security you have in this world is yourself.
The point I'm making is your talent
is yours alone.
And you do have talent. Your designs are amazing.
Only you can decide what you want to do
with that talent.
-I just wish it were simpler. -Simpler?
I'm offering you a job in New York,
doing what you love doing.
I know, and it's a dream come true.
Dreams don't come true very often.
Maybe it's not supposed to be simple.
[PHONE RINGING]
[RINGS]
MIKE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Bellissimo.
-Magnifico. -[MACHINE BEEPS]
DAVID: Hey, Mike, it's me. Where you been, man?
I haven't heard from you since you met your true love.
I really gotta talk to you, so just pick up the phone and
give me a call between orgasms.
[GASPS, PANTING]
[DISGUSTED SPUTTERING]
MALE ANNOUNCER: From the makers of the hit videos Are You Gay?
and So You Think You're Gay,
United Homosexual Headquarters presents Just How Gay Are You?
Oh, hello! I'm Tim Chadway,
president of United Homosexual Headquarters.
My buddies call me Timbo.
Like millions of Americans, you're probably wondering,
just how gay are you?
Well, that's an important question.
But come on. The answer's pretty obvious, isn't it?
Face it, chief.
If you're watching me now, you are pretty damn gay.
But that's okay,
because, you see, here at the headquarters,
we specialize in making your journey out of the closet
as smooth as possible.
From our handy gay pride starter kit
to those convenient "I'm here, I'm queer.
Stop by sometime for a beer" change of sexual orientation
postcards,
you'll be out and about in no time.
Your family and friends will admire you for your ability
to make that transition with style and flair.
I still can't believe it.
Why don't you just call her? You don't even know for sure
what's going on.
No, she wants to talk, she can give me a call.
I'm done sitting around like a sucker.
-You gotta stop being so hard on yourself.
-MAN: Hey, brown sugar.
No, Mike was right. If I'm gonna make
an informed decision,
it's time I started getting busy.
Hey, wait a minute. What's this bar that Mike
wants us to meet him at?
"The Cock Pit."
Whoa, you might wanna wait till tomorrow night
to start gettin' busy.
Why's that?
'Cause tonight we're drinkin' in Boys' Town.
A lot of guys claim they practically knew it in the womb.
Something was wrong, they felt different than
all the other fetuses.
-Blah, blah, blah. -So how did you figure it out?
Well, after a string of girlfriends,
a couple of ex-wives and a Great Dane or two,
I started thinking, "Hey, maybe it's me."
Was that difficult for you?
Oh, sure. Most terrifying thing that you can do
is look inside yourself carefully, honestly.
But you have to do it, Michael.
And when I did, it was a feeling
that just hit me.
Blinding realization, like a pure truth.
JONESY: Hey, Mike, what's up?
Guys, hey! Uh, sit down.
-Are you aware that this is a-- -MIKE: A gay bar?
Jones, it's okay to say it, and, yes, I know.
But I like it...
I think.
I'm trying to anyway.
Stanley, a beer for my friends.
-DAVID: I get it. I get it. -You do?
He's trying to go the distance with that chick
he met at after hours.
Right. Avoiding places
that tempt you to stray off the gilded path of monogamy.
I can't wait to meet this girl. She must really be something.
She didn't, uh...
turn out to be the person I thought she was.
-I'm sorry, man. -DAVID: I'm sorry.
She sounded... different.
[CHOKES] Let's just drop it, okay?
So, what's up with this bar?
I mean, this isn't really our kind of place.
What do you mean? Huh?
It's got beer. It's got bar stools.
-What more do you need, Jonesy? -How 'bout women?
I'm shocked. I never would have pegged
you two as homophobes.
What the hell do you guys have against gay people anyway?
-DAVID: Hey, hey, hey. -Shh.
DAVID: We've got nothing against gay people.
-Some of my best friends' friends are gay.
-That's right.
I--
Holy shit!
-What's that? -The Mikey Chronicles, man.
The sacred scam scrolls. [CHUCKLING]
-This is a black book? -I want you to have it, David.
I don't need it anymore.
Look at all these numbers. What are these little
black diamonds?
Stick to the blue squares. I'd hate to see you get hurt.
JONESY: This is bigger than I thought.
That chick must have really snuck up from behind
and nailed you. Wow.
-David? -You must be Nikki.
I hope I'm not too early.
-So you're a friend of Mike's? -Yeah.
[GUN COCKS]
-Mike owes me $200. -Is cash okay?
[LOW VOICE] Hi.
Come on in.
Aaah!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
David, what are you doing here?
If you're this upset, then why has it taken you
two weeks to call me back?
I've been... busy. Never mind that.
Who is this guy?
He's my boss, and all he did was offer me
a new position.
What's the matter? Our old positions aren't
good enough for you anymore?
As a designer.
Look, he wants an answer, but I told him that I
had to talk to you first.
This is about more than a job offer.
You keep encouraging me to meet other women.
That's got nothing to do with this?
I can't make a decision until I know all the variables,
one of which is still in your hands.
Great. So now I'm just a variable?
Ohh!
This has just... gotten more complicated.
Why don't you just admit it?
You love it there.
You don't want to say no to this offer, and I'm not
gonna be a reason you do.
Look, if you have already made up your mind,
then say so.
But don't try to hide behind some noble gesture
of not holding me back.
Okay, why don't we be fair here?
Things have changed, Sarah. This is no longer
just my decision.
You're right. It isn't.
And that's why I'm coming home early.
-What? -They're paying for me
to come home and talk to you.
They really want me, David,
possibly more than you do.
Oh, shit!
JONESY: Hey!
What's up, man? De-bachelorizing
for the little lady?
She gets back today. What's up?
You didn't get me a coffee?
I didn't know how you took it, but I grabbed
your mail on the way in.
-Thanks. -So what's the verdict?
Do I get to comb the thrift stores for
a new used suit or what?
Not yet. I'm just as confused as ever.
What?
You all right?
-Just lock up when you leave. -What?
Hey! I wasn't sure if you'd be here.
Well, I'm here. Where else would I be?
-Whoa. What's this? -I'm going to New York.
What?
-What? -There's somebody I gotta see.
-What are you talking about? -Options, remember?
Just in case.
Options? You're out of options.
Me staying here or going back--
these are your options.
-Sarah. -What? No, listen.
Listen to me carefully. I flew back here
for one reason,
and that was to give you a chance to talk me out
of taking this job.
I can't do that until I do this.
Well, I won't be here when you get back.
I swear to God, I won't. This is it, David.
I know.
Excuse me.
DAVID: There are times in life when you have to make
difficult choices.
And there are times when it seems like you
don't have a choice at all,
like those rare moments when your only option
practically shows up in your mailbox.
-Hey, David! -Keep the change. Tyler!
[LAUGHING] Oh, man, I'm psyched you're here!
-You look great. -It really means a lot to me.
-What the hell are you doing here?
-I know. It's sudden.
I, uh, I just wanted to see you, you know?
Things are gonna start getting crazy for you
and--and Julie.
And, uh, I wanted to see you,
both of you.
-I--I talked to Sarah. -Yeah, yeah.
She said that you guys met up when she was in town.
She had fun.
No, no. I talked to her about three hours ago.
She called while you were in the air, from L.A.
Uh, she's freakin' out.
Everything's fine.
Listen, I-I know what you're going through.
It's a scary leap.
The trick is you gotta let go of your fears
and kind of go for it.
Believe me.
The worst thing you can do is lose the right girl because
of a fear of commitment.
Actually, the worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl
because of a fear of loneliness.
TYLER: I can't wait for you to meet her.
I told her all about you.
-You have? -Yeah, I told her
about all you guys.
-I had to warn her. -Even my name?
You didn't mention my name.
No, of course not your name.
We refer to you all by your general nature,
like the Indians.
Mike's: "Fucks Whatever Moves". You're: "Dances Around
Major Life Decisions".
-What did she say when you mentioned my name?
-What is wrong with you?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What would she say-- Oh, there she is.
-TYLER: Hey! -Hi.
-This is David. David, this is Julie.
-David!
So nice to finally meet you. Feel like I already know you.
-I feel the same way. -Isn't she beautiful?
You look like I did first time I laid eyes on her.
I just knew right away.
-It hit me like a blinding realization, like--
-JULIE: Pure truth.
Yeah, yeah. Was he always this sappy?
-Just since I met you, baby. -Aw.
-Will you order me a drink? -TYLER: Yeah.
I'm gonna go to the ladies' room.
Excuse me.
Now you know, buddy.
Now you understand.
That's it. This guy Jeff,
works at Tyler's firm,
knew my roommate, and they hooked us up.
End of story.
That's, uh-- Wow, what a story.
-Yeah. -The important thing
is you ended up together, right?
Yeah.
I mean, think of all the different people
you've met in your lives,
all the paths taken, not taken.
You could probably trace back to your
very first romantic memory,
if you tried.
Oh, yeah. Fifth grade drama class.
Miss Liska had us lie on the ground and pretend
we were driftwood.
And then as she walked around the "beach,"
-she would step over us-- -JULIE: We get it.
-That's nice, sweetie. -[CHUCKLES]
What about you, Julie?
What? Oh, no.
-The airport guy? -The airport guy?
What about the--
Airport guy? Um, tell me about
this airport guy.
It's okay, honey. He's a friend.
[SIGHS] Okay.
I was traveling with my family once.
We were in an airport.
This guy came up to me from out of nowhere
and started saying all these strange things to me
about how he felt something when he saw me,
and he wondered if I felt it too.
I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of smiled at him.
He gave me his address and asked, if I felt the same way,
that I should write him.
As he walked away, I had this frozen grin
on my face.
I didn't want to agitate him or anything.
I was terrified that he was gonna hurt me.
TYLER: Can you believe that? How old were you, honey?
-JULIE: Eleven. -TYLER: Eleven years old.
-If that son of a bitch were here right now--
-But you wrote him!
I-I mean, um...
Did you ever write him?
No. I mean, of course not.
Honey, do you want me to finish the story
for you?
-There's more? -TYLER: Yeah.
No, it's okay. I can do this.
So as soon as the guy was gone,
I threw the address away.
But what I didn't know at the time
was that my little sister Katie, who was two years
younger than me,
she saw everything.
I mean, she wanted to be like me.
She worshipped me.
And she started writing this creep as me.
I mean, she even sent him my picture.
Then, of course, when he wrote back,
you know,
weird stuff about how he wanted
to run away with her
-and make babies-- -TYLER: Can you imagine that?
Make babies? And this is before
the Internet.
What a sicko. I'm sorry, honey.
Are you all right?
But, uh, uh--
Did you ever find out who this guy was?
-My parents did. -[QUIET GASP]
Sort of.
They overheard Katie bragging to me
about her boyfriend,
and she had mentioned it before,
so we just assumed it was this imaginary play friend
or something.
But when she started telling me about how he had promised
to run away with her
and make love to her,
-I mean, they stepped in. -Under the stars.
I mean, she was only nine.
-[GASPS] -So my dad called
the authorities.
You know, gave them the guy's address.
As was his style, told us to forget
the whole thing.
It wasn't until years later
that I realized the guy thought he was writing me.
And I pieced it together and remembered
the airport incident,
but I never told anyone.
I have to go.
-Are you all right? -TYLER: Hey.
-Where are you going? -I have to, uh--
Thank you for the, uh, uh--
Congratulations with--
Good-bye.
DAVID: I'd seen the light.
It was this glaringly obvious, blind realization,
like pure truth.
It wasn't about anyone in particular,
but about people in general.
I realized at that moment,
there is no such thing as "the one."
It's more of a mind-boggling, whole-hell-of-a-lot
of-potential ones.
While that should be comforting,
it was actually pretty terrifying.
We'd all like to kick back and wait for some magical force
to show us who we should spend the rest of our lives with.
But the truth is, there isn't a lightning bolt
that slaps you on the ass
and tells you to pick this person
over all others.
If anything, it's like the rain.
Rain falls all the time.
Sometimes you're prepared for it,
sometimes you're not.
Depending where you are when it hits, you either
get caught in it or you don't.
In fact, most of us usually try like hell to avoid it.
You might miss the bus,
you might catch the bus.
Maybe you remembered your umbrella,
maybe you didn't.
No big signs. Just random torrential bursts
of opportunity.
And that's the most fate can do.
The rest is up to us.
And now, by the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[APPLAUSE]
DAVID: So the eternal bachelor was the first one to go.
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever understand men.
-You look amazing. -Thanks.
I'm very happy for you. I mean it.
Thanks.
I had a tough time for those first few months.
It was really hard, but--
Then I had to take Nicole to the emergency room to get
her stomach pumped again.
And there he was.
Our eyes just met, and it was like
-this indescribable feeling, like--
-I get it.
Not that happy yet.
It's terrific you found someone
who deserves you,
but I'd be lying if I said I didn't
miss our friendship.
[SALSA MUSIC]
I think it's time to stir things up
on the dance floor.
-Join me? -I think I'll pass.
I didn't bring any singles with me.
Joke. Joke.
Please remember there are impressionable children
out there.
-Let's keep it PG-13. -No problem.
Hand me that dildo, will you?
-Hey, Amy. -Yeah.
-I haven't seen her since college.
-Yeah, she's great.
Uh-huh. Yeah? You two, uh--
Uh, no, no. We're just friends.
Oh.
Yeah, I saw that, uh, goofy-looking bastard
Sarah's with.
Nah, that guy-- [SCOFFS]
He's, like, missing a chromosome
or something.
-What a freak. -We both know
he's an attractive guy.
But thank you for trying.
Well, I bet he's no brain surgeon.
Ah, shit. Really?
JULIE: There you are, hon.
Oh, hey, baby. You remember David.
-You met in a restaurant a couple of months ago.
-Ah, David, hi.
Glad you didn't have to rush out early today.
It was a beautiful ceremony.
Thank you. I'm just
so glad my little sister got to catch the tail end.
TYLER: Katie showed? Ah, honey, that's great.
I didn't think she was gonna make it.
What happened?
-Your sister's here? -Yeah.
But she doesn't like weddings. She never got over
that airport guy.
The pedophile, the sicko.
-TYLER: Asshole. -JULIE: Honey, settle down.
You know, I should really
introduce you two.
-You would totally hit it off.
-TYLER: What a great idea.
-Honey, why don't you go get her?
-No, that's not necessary.
-No, dude. Virgin.
-She's gotta be around here somewhere.
-Hot. -I think I see her. Stay here.
-I'll be right back. -Hey, hey, hey.
What's the matter with you?
-You look like you did at the restaurant when you...
-I have to go.
...bolted.
-WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Lightning Taxi.
-Hi, I need a cab fast.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this time,
Mike Hanson, the best man,
would like to make a toast to Julie and Tyler.
-Whoo! -MAN: All right, Mike!
MIKE: All right, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, uh--
Uh, I, uh--
Many of you don't know me, but, uh,
I had the pleasure of being, uh,
Tyler's roommate in our fraternity house at school.
Yeah, you were! Phi Lamb!
Who's my boy, Mikey? You're my boy!
And today,
I have the privilege of being the best man
in his wedding.
Uh, suffice it to say,
I was shocked to hear that he was getting married,
but, uh,
but over time, as I talked to him on the phone,
I began to understand.
We used to do everything together, man. Everything.
We were joined at the hip. You know what I'm saying?
What these two people were doing was
giving themselves in
to a... blinding realization,
pure truth.
They stood before everyone they knew
and confessed their newfound selves.
I don't know, but witnessing
such strength
and courage in my friends
inspires me in a way which I can barely
put into words.
You see, while many of you
don't know me, uh,
the rest of you only think you do.
The truth is, you're about to meet Mike Hanson
for the first time.
[SIGHS]
My name is Mike Hanson,
and I'm a raging homosexual.
[GLASS CLATTERING]
Thank you.
I--I didn't really know him that well.
And let's give it up to the newlyweds.
Congrats, guys.
MAN: Hit it.
[BAND RESUMES]
WOMAN: Why does everybody keep trying to set me up?
They're never... him.
Katie, please come out and meet him.
You look amazing.
All right. Let's go meet this guy.
Ladies, there you are.
-Katie, I'm so glad that you could make it.
-Thank you.
-We gotta go. The limo's here.
-Have you seen David?
Uh, no.
I-I think he left with Mike and Amy, because I
haven't seen them either.
But you know what? We should forget about them.
I'm gonna meet you up front. We really have to go.
-That's okay. You just go. -No, you're coming with us.
No, it's your day. Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
-Are you sure? -Positive. Just go, all right?
-Love you. -Love you, too.
So I don't mean to belittle your big announcement,
but come on, Mike, you've never even
worked retail.
Nah, it makes sense.
All my life I've treated women like dirt, never lettin' them
get too close,
just usin' and cruisin'.
That doesn't make you a homosexual, Mike.
It makes you an asshole.
KATIE: Excuse me. Are you waiting for someone?
No, I'm not waiting.
Wait a minute. That's my cab! That's my--!
[ENGINE STARTS]
These insolent swine!
You know, they call you, tell you to come right away.
Big hurry!
You come, they're not there.
And I feel like-- how do you say?
Assholes.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
You know the feeling? You know the feeling?
So it was nice wedding, yes?
Oh, no! Not again!
Ohh!
-[GROANS] -Oh, my God!
No, no, please.
Are you all right?
It's... you.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
What took you so long?
I feel all tingly inside.
I know. So do I.
No, in a scary way.
Oh. Uh, right.
We should get you to a hospital.
[HORNS: FANFARE]
["THE WEDDING MARCH"]
[GASPS] What are you doing?
-You said you were gay. -Yeah, and your point is?