[ Chattering ]
[ Man On Radio ]
- [ Chattering ]
- Hey.
- Bring us a bottle.
- Now wait a second.
- Hey, Chief, where's my fish? - [ Laughs ]
Oh!
- It's okay, pal. We're just good friends. - All right.
- Ooh-wee! They got me runnin' tonight, girls.
Hey, Stella. I'll give you a quarter if you lower that zipper another inch.
- Here you go, George. Hiya, fellas. - [ Chattering ]
How is it at the hospital? Don't tell me you cut somebody open. I don't wanna hear it.
- [ Man ] Stella. - What?
What's the hardest thing about a 90-year-old man's wedding night?
You make my ass ache, Billy. You know that?
- Where do you get this stuff? - [ Stella ] Off the men's room walls.
- Here you go. - Isn't Billy just heaven?
- My idea of it. - I don't know, Stella.
- I think you and Billy'd make a pretty cute couple. - Fool.
-Jackass. - Fool jackass. How much you win at the track today, Ed?
- Three hundred. - [ Both ] Ooh.
- Stella, I'm playin' your song.
Bob, you quit that. I told you once, I told you 20 times, I'm not gonna do it.
- Get up on the bar. - Come on, Deb. Be a pal here.
[ All Chanting ] Up on the bar! Up on the bar!
No.
Up on the bar! Up on the bar! Up on the bar!
On the bar! They want ya. They want ya. They want ya, babe.
- Go on! - [ All Yelling ]
[ All Cheering ]
Out of my way. Spread the wave.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
- Oh!
Bump that thing, Stella.! [ Whistles ]
- [ Cheering Continues ]
- Whoo! - Far out!
- Oh! Oh! - Stella, don't hurt yourself.
Oh!
[ Squeals ]
[ Yelling ]
Whoo!
- [ Man Whistling ] - Yeah!
Ohhhhhhhhh!
[ Screams ] Whoo!
[ Men Whistling ]
Ba-bum.
[ Man ] Keep it moving, Stella.! Keep it moving.!
- [ Man #2 ] Stella.! - Whoo!
- [ Groans ] - Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! [ Squeals ]
Ronnie, give me that porkpie.
[ All Cheering ]
- [ Man ] Show me some skin, baby. - Whoo!
[ Cheering Continues ]
- ## [ Ends ] - [ Squeals ]
Yeah.! Yeah, yeah, yeah.!
[ Applause ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Cheering Echoing ]
[ Alarm Clock Buzzes ]
[ Ends ]
[ Man On Radio ] It's the coldest day of 1 969.
- Look for a Watertown low of minus four degrees. - [ Sighing ]
Unless you absolutely have to be outside, this is a great day to stay indoors.
This cold snap is expected to last for three more days.
[ Sighs ] It's a great life if you don't weaken.
- ## [ Humming ] - [ Children Chattering In Distance ]
## [ Continues Humming ]
[ Shuddering ] So cold. So cold.
Stella, don't walk away when I'm trying to tell you a joke.
- I just heard that one. - [ Laughing ]
[ Man On TV] Whalers trying to break the Muskets' six-game--
Hi. All right. What's it gonna be?
Ah. I see by your glassy-eyed stare you're not sure.
Here. Have a nut while you make up your mind.
Ah. Time's up. What'll you have?
I was here last night I saw you dancing.
Oh, yeah. I think you're great.
I wondered if maybe we could have dinner.
No. Sorry.
Are you married, engaged, involved or something?
No. Not married, not engaged, not involved, but, yeah, somethin'.
And the something is, not interested.
- Now, what's it gonna be? - Draft.
[ Man On TV Continues, Indistinct ]
- You wanna hear another one? - Bill, if you don't shut up--
[ Chuckling ] True story. I just heard it. You wanna hear it?
I'm ready. Wait a second. Let me finish up over here.
- Why not interested? -Just not.
- But why not? - Twenty-five cents, please. Thank you.
[ Sighs ]
How do I do this? Stephen Dallas.
Healthy. Good teeth. I'm doing a residency a couple blocks from here.
Specialize in kidney diseases. Anything you want to know about kidneys, ask me.
And, uh, I'm told I wake up easy in the morning.
- [ Man ] Howdy, beautiful. - Hi, George.
What's it gonna be tonight? Don't tell me.
- Shot and a beer. - Shot and a beer.
- You never disappoint me, George. - What are you, a nun?
- You do go out sometimes, don't you? - Yeah. Sure.
I used to go out with George.
[ Laughing ]
What's the secret, George? What's wrong with me?
Okay.
The truth is you're just a little too fancy for me. All right?
Fancy kidney doctor. Fancy little cashmere sweater. Fancy little starched shirt.
Hey, I'll wear jeans. I won't shave.
- How about that money now, George? - George, it's on me.
- What a guy! - Yeah. What a guy.
Look, I want to take you to dinner.
Maybe a movie. Something.
Just a standard offer.
- I'm not standard. - No, you're not.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Look, this is not a lifetime commitment. This would just be a date.
- Somebody get that phone! - Go somewhere nice. I won't wear cashmere.
No starch. I'll wear a leather hat and a nice flannel shirt.
All right. All right. All right.
- [ Ringing Continues ] - All right. All right. All right.
That was bad.
Oh, it wasn't that bad. She's beautiful.
Well, yeah, but what about when she said, uh...
"Tell 'em Lylah's comin,' soon as she gets her harness on”?
- [ Chuckles ] - What was that?
Well, I liked Vertigo better, I guess.
Well, Vertigo-- Vertigo was great.
- But this-- - But I liked this one too.
- It was just so puerile. - Puerile?
- Yeah. - What the hell's “puerile”?
- You know. Childish. - Puerile. Sounds pretty. I like it.
All right. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- Beg your pardon? - You know, tell me something about yourself.
Then I tell you. It's called conversation.
- Okay, um, born in Connecticut. - Born right here in Watertown.
- Broke my collarbone twice. - Never broke nothing.
Had to fight with my parents to go to Cornell. They're both doctors.
They both went to Harvard. They think Cornell is slumming it.
My father was a construction worker...
who got killed in a fight over a poker game.
And my mother-- Well, she drank herself to death at 41 ...
as I was telling the duchess only yesterday.
I always wanted to be a doctor. I believe in it, the whole thing.
- The oath, the laying on of hands. - Come on. You're really a doctor?
- You think I was making it up? - Some guys would do anything for a date.
[ Chuckles ] Look at this one! Eugene Gagliano, the gorgeous pig.
God, I have rotten taste in men. I really do.
He used to like to tie me up in bed. Ugh, what a pig!
- He sure was pretty though. - What's that?
And this is me at bartender school.
- You know what they say about lady bartenders? - Mm-mmm.
They're dirty, they're stupid, their ankles are thick.
So shut off your minds, boys, and reach for your dick.
God, people are so mean sometimes.
[ Sighs ] I don't care.
Not me. I don't care.
Now, what do you call that?
I-- I was just being friendly.
- Friendly? - Yeah.
[ Laughing ] I've heard that song before.
Want to wait till the third date?
Hmm. Maybe I wanna wait forever.
Okay, then. I'll just--
[ Sighs ] I'll just say good night.
Say good night, Stella.
Good night, Stella.
## [ Singing In German ]
[ Laughing ]
- Shh. - I--
It's incredible.
Shh. I'm sorry.
[ Chuckling ] Shh.
[ Laughing ]
[ Whispers ] Some of us are enjoying the music.
[ Both Laughing]
- Oh, I'm sorry. - That's okay.
- [ Sighing ] - [ Chuckling ]
Oh, boy. [ Laughing ]
I'm gonna miss this place.
- Hmm. - I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too. We have a couple months left. - Seven weeks.
- I'll bet in eight weeks you won't even remember my face. - How could I forget you?
The looker.
- You know, I have had my share of good-looking guys. - Oh, I'm sure.
Well, I have. I showed you that picture of Eugene Gagliano.
The gorgeous pig.
- The same. - Yeah.
And a couple of years ago, I dated a guy who looked almost exactly like ya.
- Really. - Uh-huh.
Well, he was a little shorter than you and he was Chinese.
[ Snickering ]
So the fact that he picked me to be his assistant-- It's--
It's a dream, you know?
Oh, yeah. Terrific.
Ooh, fascinated, huh?
- Oh, yeah. Well, I was interested. - Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Sure.
Anyway, next month...
I'm off to New York.
- So soon? - What do you care? You said the other day I was dull.
- I said you were calm. - Yeah. And you yawned when you said it.
Ah. You don't-- You don't butter toast like that.
Look. What you do-- You break off a piece, and you butter that.
And then eat just the piece.
You told me you wanted me to help you with things like that.
I changed my mind.
What's wrong?
[ Sighs ]
She stubbed her toe.
Who?
That's what my mother used to say.
She'd point to some neighbor girl, all big-bellied-- no husband, no job--
and say, “She was doing fine, but she stubbed her toe.”
[ Exhales ] I'm pregnant.
What are you gonna do?
- Shouldn't there be a “we” in that sentence? - That's what I meant.
- Yeah, right. - That's what I meant.
What do you think?
I think she was doing fine, but she stubbed her toe.
Do you want a baby?
Maybe.
[ Exhales ]
I--
I don't know how you feel about this--
I don't know how I feel about this, but...
I think I know where I could set up an abortion.
Maybe.
If you want to have it, I'll help you. It's really up to you.
You decide what you want. We'll get it for you.
- Do you know what you want? - [ Exhales ]
I want a room full of balloons.
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Gasps, Squealing ]
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my. Oh!
Oh.
Oh, boy.
Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd--
I'd think you were getting ready to ask me to marry you.
Well, I think that maybe that's what we should do.
I think we should get married.
[ Chuckles ] That's pretty good, Steve.
Aw, shoot. I almost believe ya.
No. I mean it.
We can get married.
[ Gasps ] Let's mix some oil and water. Good idea.
Come on. You don't wanna marry me. I don't wanna marry you either.
Look at you. Trying so hard. [ Chuckles ]
All the time you're thinking, “Oh, my God.”
I gotta marry a pregnant bartender who quit school in the tenth grade.”
Well, you can relax, Stephen, 'cause the bartender's turning you down.
You know, I've got a-- I've got a good career going.
Getting ready to go to New York. All of a sudden maybe I got a wife and a kid.
It's not what I had in mind. It's not the plan, but I thought about it--
I thought about it! And I finally say to myself...
“Stephen, do the right thing.” I'm here to do it...
and you tell me I'm not smiling broadly enough.
I understand, okay? I sympathize.
I'll help you with any expenses.
- I don't want your goddamn money. - Don't be stupid. You can't--
- Oh, go on. Go on to New York. - Hey. I'm not the enemy.
- I want to help. - No, you don't.
What you really want is for me to say it's okay. It's okay for you to leave.
It's okay for you to go to New York. That's what you really want.
So I'm saying it. All right? It's okay.
[ Tea Kettle Whistling ]
Go!
- [ Whistling Continues ] - [ Door Opens, Closes ]
Great life, if you don't weaken.
Last call, guys.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
We could get married if you want.
Ed, come off it.
You're sweet though.
[ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]
How many months?
- Almost three. - Are you gonna decide soon? Do you want it?
I don't know. How big is it at three months?
Tadpole. Peanut.
Yeah, but it don't have no brain, right? It doesn't feel anything, right?
No. I don't know.
Well...
I'll decide in a couple of days.
- You said that last month. - I will.
I said I will, and I will.
- Do you need any money? - No. I got almost $2,000 saved up.
Hell, you can retire and live off the interest.
I just don't get it. Nobody tells you what to do anymore.
Used to be if you got pregnant and weren't married...
you went off like Peggy Riley in the ninth grade.
Remember her?
You had an abortion. That was that.
Now I got all these choices.
I can have it...
or I can have an abortion...
or I can have it and give it away.
But I don't know why they call them choices. They're all terrible.
It might be fun to have a kid.
I don't know. I never thought about having kids.
- What do you do with them? - Make 'em go to the store for ya.
I hate 1969.
- Hey. Do you want to get a pizza tonight after bingo? - No.
Boy, you're a barrel of laughs.
Why don't you go to the racetrack and waste some more money?
Bitch away, bitch.
You can argue, froth at the mouth if you want to.
I'm not gonna fight ya.
Besides, I win more than I lose.
Said the guy who lost 750 bucks last weekend.
That Butterfinger's probably real good for the kid, isn't it?
It's good. I don't know. I guess it won't hurt.
But what about me? I got a right to live, too, don't I?
- I got a right to live, too, don't I? - Sure you do.
[ Woman Coughing ]
G-51 .
O-72.
[ All Murmuring ] O-72.
- [ Man ] N-33. - Stephen still comin' around?
He came back from New York last week holding out an envelope full of money.
An envelope. Like money was too embarrassing to see the light of day.
- O-66. - [ Ed ] Did you take it?
- No. - What did you tell him?
I said, “Die in a ditch. Just lay down in a ditch and die.”
Who needs him? I got two hands.
- A lot of guys wouldn't have even offered. - O-71.
- Screw him. - Stella.
- Screw his money. - That's cute. That's real cute.
And screw you too. Will you just shut up? I only need O-70 to win.
- B-9. - Bingo!
- [ People Groaning ] - Serves you right.
- [ People Murmuring ] - [ Laughing ]
- Neil, what does your father do? - For a living?
- My mother was wondering. - He's a cat burglar.
- [ Woman ] Seriously. - [ Neil ] Really. He's a cat burglar.
I don't know. Tell her anything you want.
A merchant. Tell her my father runs a store.
Why don't you live with your parents in Arizona?
Because I'm grown up-- or I'm supposed to be grown up.
- I can't follow my parents wherever they go. - Ed, my water just broke.
- Why stay with your aunt and uncle? - [ Both ] What?
- My water just broke. - [ Both ] What?
- Shut up down there. - What are you guys, "deef"? I said my water just broke.
Are you all right? Can you walk?
I'm trying to watch the movie. Will you keep the volume down?
- Do you want your face smashed? Her water just broke. - Come here, honey.
- [ Groaning ] - Come on. Okay, honey.
- [ Coughing ] - [ Groaning ]
Could you hold this popcorn for me?
Are you okay?
Ow. Ooh. Excuse me, please.
- [ Woman ] Ouch! - Oh, shit.
- Ed, we need to make a chair. - What the hell are you talking about?
- We have to carry her. - Carry her?
- I can walk. Let's go, guys. - Put your arm right there.
Stell, come here. You shouldn't be walking.
- Oh, my God! - Are you okay?
- Oh, honey. - Bye-bye, Ali.
- [ Screams ] - [ Neil ] I'm not angry.
[ Baby Crying In Distance ]
You're awake.
- Do you want to see what your new daughter looks like? - Yeah, sure.
Bring her in.
- [ Groans Softly ] - [ Baby Cooing ]
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
Here we go.
[ Gasps Softly ] Oh.
Oh, great.
Oh, God. [ Chuckling ]
Oh.
Hello, baby.
Let me see. You got all your fingers and your toes?
Huh? Oh, you do.
Look at those little feet.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, my goodness.
All mine.
Where is she?
- Where is she? - [ Girl Giggling ]
[ Growls ] Here comes Cousin Itt.
I'm gonna get ya. [ Playful Roaring ]
- [ Growling ] - [ Giggling Continues ]
Where is she? Where's that Jenny girl?
- There you are. I see you. - Peekaboo.
- [ Giggling ] - [ Roars ] Peekaboo.
Peekaboo. I got ya.
I got ya. Ah, come here, you.
- Gotcha, g-g-g-got. - [ Deb ] Stell, Sara Lee's ready.
Ahhh. All right.
Oopy-doopy-doo.
Whoo! Young lady.
I told Jenny she could have a little piece if she takes a nap...
- before he gets here. - So, uh, when's he coming?
3:30.
- And he hasn't see her since-- - Never. Never seen her.
I still think you were really stupid not to take the money he offered.
I didn't want his money.
That's just pride talkin'.
Pride never buttered any bread.
Don't you ever get lonely, Stell?
Or horny?
[ Whispers ] Sorry.
- Well, you'd think I would, wouldn't ya? - Uh-huh.
But I don't really.
Seems like after Jenny I just--
- I don't have too much left over. You know what I mean? - Uh-uh. I don't.
Well, anyway, if I did take up with some guy, he'd probably turn out like Eugene Gagliano.
- Remember him? - [ Both ] That bum.
- [ Laughing ] - [ Doorbell Rings ]
Here, sweetie. Yum.
- Yes. - Hello. We were in the neighborhood...
and thought you might like to have a drink with two handsome men.
- Or me and Tony if we got here first. - Hi, Ed.
Oh, come now. Oh, you're all wet.
- Who's all wet? - At least shut the door, fool.
- Hey, Deb. How you doin', baby? - Hi, Ed.
- You're all wet. - Hi, sweetheart.
- This is Tony De Banza, and old army buddy of mine. - Hi.
- Debbie Whitman. - Handsome devil, ain't he?
- Hi. - They call him the Polish Sausage, but I ain't sayin' why.
Say why. [ Laughs ]
You know what else? I sold him half-interest in the bar today.
Yeah. I got no more debts and plenty of money.
- [ Debbie ] Whoo.! - Ow! It's the good times, Stella.
What do you mean you sold him half-interest in the bar?
Would you look at that? Sexiest woman in town, and she won't give me no satisfaction.
I'm not gonna listen to you if you're gonna talk like that.
- Stella, baby, I didn't mean it! - [ Crying ]
- Hey, turn that shitty church music off.
- I like that. - Don't give him no more to drink.
- Hi, baby. Hi, Jenny-wenny. - Give him a cup of coffee.
- You got your driver's license yet? - ## [ Rock ]
- No. - No?
- Oh. Oh. Whoo!
- I want me some dancin'. Yes. - Ed, come on.
- They're crazy. - Aw, you old pill. To hell with ya.
I'm gonna dance with my baby girl here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ed, put her down. Ed, put her down.
[ Cackling ]
- Come on, Ed. - [ Squealing ]
- We make quite a threesome. [ Laughing ] - [ Squealing ]
Uh, Debbie, you put the baby down for a nap. All right?
- Sure. - Scram.
Excuse me.
- You're so early. - ## [ Ends ]
Sorry. Excuse me.
This is how you live, huh?
Hey. We were just having some Sara Lee, and bam-- the ceiling falls in.
They just dropped by.
- Bye, Stell. - Bye. Bye, Deb.
And don't you ask me about how we live.
Where have you been the last three years? Who do you think you are anyway?
I'm the father.
Well, the truth is she could belong to any one of three or four guys.
I always thought she looked a lot like Ed Munn through the mouth.
- What a piece of work you are. - Oh, why are you here all of a sudden?
Three years go by. You start callin' and callin'. What do you want?
I can't stop thinking about her.
- [ Glass Clinks ] - First I told myself it's part of my life.
It's finished and done, and I won't think about it, and I didn't.
But... lately, whenever I let my guard down, whenever I relax...
I start wondering what she looks like.
I think, “Is she walking yet?”
What color are her eyes? Is she happy?”
I want to spend time with her.
[Jenny ] Mama, who is that?
It's okay, honey.
Who is that?
Yeah, Stella. Who is that?
He's your daddy, honey.
[ Whispers ] I got a daddy?
[ Softly ] Yeah.
I'm your daddy.
I brought you something too.
Here. Can you open that?
## [ Continues ]
- A music box. - Uh-huh.
[ Stephen Chuckles ]
And if your mama says it's okay...
I'm gonna come back tomorrow, and I'm gonna take you to the park.
Would you like that?
- Okay.
Thanks.
- [ Thunder Rumbling ] - I did it for her.
See you tomorrow.
- You know what? - What?
You make me happy.
Oh, you know, maybe-- Maybe if Mama says it's okay...
you could come visit me in New York.
- Yes! - Yes?
We could go to the zoo, and we could go to this big toy store I know...
and we can go to this place I know where we can order strawberry ice cream...
with fresh strawberries crushed up inside it.
- Would you like that? - Yes!
- Yes? - Uh-huh.
- [ People Chattering ] - So, anyway, Jody lives in the country in Florida...
and he's real lonesome and wants a pet or something.
But his mother says no. Hmm.
- But, finally, one day, he finds the greatest thing. - Oh, yeah. The little fawn.
- You read The Yearling? - Sure.
She was originally gonna call it The Fawn. Did you know that?
Oh, do you remember the part where he jumps through the--
- Oh, honey. - No.
- It's okay. - Oh, Daddy, my new dress.
I know. I know. It's okay. Here.
Oh, boy.
- Oh. - [ Sobs ]
- [ Sniffles ] - Hey.
- [ Sobbing ] -Jen?
I got an idea.
I think you need to put your head... right here.
[ Whispers ] It's okay.
[ Stephen ] Don't you love the Citicorp Building?
- [ Woman ] Mmm, I like it. - Like it? You don't love it?
- Mm-mmm. - What do you love?
- Um-- Oh, I love Rockefeller Center. - That's an oldie but a goodie.
- Do you still like these things? - Mm-hmm.
What else? What else do you love?
- Um-- Oh, the plaza. - Oh, yeah. Good answer. Good answer.
- Okay. Dad! Dad! - Say when.
- When! - You just have to say when.
Oh...
this is the fastest Easter vacation ever.
- I wish I didn't have to go back. - Me too.
Maybe if I say this.
There's no such thing as school. There's no such thing as school. Say it.
[ Both ] There's no such thing as school. There's no such thing as school.
- Stephen sent it for your birthday. - Can I open it now?
- No. - Oh, come on.
Now, I mean this. No cute stuff like last year.
- I'll know if you've opened it and taped it back together. - [ Whines ]
- You know I'll know. - Yeah, yeah.
- And how will I know? - [ Sighs ] 'Cause you can read my face like a book.
Like an open book with big print.
- All right? - [ Sighs ] All right.
Well, it's only a week away, so I can look at it.
- No. I said no. - Come on. Please.
- No. - Oh, please.
- Why not? - 'Cause I say not. That's why.
Oh, shit.
Don't you talk like that. I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
- You know, you make me sick. - You're not exactly my dream date either.
I'm goin' to the laundry. And I think you're mean about the present.
I think I'm sweet. Real sweet.
Sweet enough to make you this hot pink dress like the one you saw on that Madonna girl.
Sweet enough to give you a birthday party so you can invite Tim Wilkerson.
Ooh, Tim Wilkerson. He's so cute. Don't forget the fabric softener.
- It simply won't do. - But, Mrs. Wilkerson...
it's only an overnight trip to Albany, and the kids will be supervised.
When they're seniors maybe. But not now. No.
But only nine kids' parents feel like you do. I think we oughta take a vote.
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
It's not really fair that you decide just 'cause you're head of the committee.
- [ Man ] That's right. - It simply won't do.
- Why don't we take a vote then? - [ All Murmuring ] Yeah. Vote.
Mrs. Wilkerson, I'm sorry for the disagreement.
- I hope you'll let Tim go on the trip. - We'll see.
How are things behind the bar, Mrs. Claire?
Oh, I'm not there anymore. I was working over at Dierking's Lumber Yard for three years.
But they shut down. So now I'm on unemployment looking for a job.
It must be so hard raising a child when you're a single mother.
Oh, no. Jenny and I do fine.
- How is Jenny? - Oh, gosh. She's great.
What a shame she didn't inherit your hair.
Really. The color is... striking.
Yeah. Well, the color struck me, too, the first time I saw it on a supermarket shelf.
- [ Laughing ] - Well, it suits you.
- Thank you. - It's really flattering.
I don't know. Your whole look is just so unusual.
The pants are a bit snug.
The makeup is just a touch heavy, and yet it works so well.
I mean, on you, it just seems inevitable.
What do you do that for?
- What do you say ugly things for? I never did anything to you. - You're mistaken.
It's 'cause that skinny husband of yours gave me the hot eye all night.
I don't have any idea what you're talking about, Mrs. Claire.
But I think it would be a good idea if we tried to carry on...
something approaching a civilized conversation, don't you think?
I think-- I think you probably haven't had a good lay in years.
I think your legs have been together longer than the Lennon Sisters.
- That's what I think. - Hmph!
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
You ready, dear? [ Groans ]
- # All the leaves are brown # - # All the leaves are brown #
# And the sky is gray #
# I went for a walk #
- # I went for a walk # - # On a winter's day #
- # I'd be safe and I'd be safe and warm #
# If I was in L.A. #
- # California dreamin' #
- # On such a winter's day ##
Look what I have in my hands.
You only own two bras. This means you're not wearin' one.
I have told you a half a dozen times you're supposed to go to school wearin' a bra.
- Well, you haven't got one on. - I know. But in this big old loose blouse, nobody can tell.
- Believe me, they can tell. - Oh, I wish...
just once you would do what I ask you without giving me an argument.
I wish just once you'd give me a break.
- I talk myself blue in the damn face to you. - # I love to love you, baby-- #
Don't sing that dirty song. Very nice here.
- # Love to love you, baby-- # - I said don't sing that dirty song.
[ Giggling ]
You're gettin' harder to handle. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you.
Well, why don't you just leave me alone? Leave my tits alone.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
I ran into Ed Munn today.
Don't screw your face all up like that.
You look just like your father.
Now, I'm telling you, since Ed lost the bar, he's just been at loose ends.
Now he's trying to sell real estate.
Well, he looked so lonesome he like to broke my heart.
- So, uh, I invited him to supper. - [ Doorbell Rings ]
- Ma. - Oh, come on now. It's not gonna kill ya.
- He makes me sick. - He's a very nice guy.
- Da-da. - I told you not to drink if you was comin' over here.
Oh, I had one little, single, solitary glass of sweet sherry.
No, wait. It was a Dubonnet.
[ French Accent ] Dubonnet. Ha, ha, ha. Dubonnet.
Jenny girl, look who's here for supper.
- Hi, teeny-bop. - Your fly's open.
Ah. Huh.
That's all right. What can't get up can't get out.
- [ Chuckles ] - That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
Oh, yeah?
[ High-Pitched Voice ] Well, stick around, kiddo.
[ Slurps ]
I read in the Enquirer that John Lennon's ghost tried to contact Mother Teresa.
Three times. Over in India.
Wants her to make a record of "Hey Jude."
Well, you know, I-- I don't really believe it...
but... isn't that somethin'?
- No. - No.
Well, I'll tell you what. The two of you just bore the ass right off of me.
My own daughter and my oldest friend can't sit down at a table...
for half an hour together without doin' a cat-and-dog act.
Come on, you two, please. Give Stella a break. All right?
- Wha-- - [ Chuckles ]
- [Jenny ] Ha-ha. - Hey!
- Hey! Ma! - Hey!
Hey. Give me that Give me some of that. There you go.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Ed ] There. There.
- [ Squealing ] - There. Want some of that?
Here comes the Parkay!
[ Ed Shouting, Chuckles ]
- [ Squealing ] - [ All Laughing ]
[ Train Horn Honks In Distance ]
Ma, you're gonna ruin your eyes.
I applied at McDonald's today. I think I got a weekend job.
Yeah, but, honey, what about your grades?
Aw, I can make A's and B's in a walk.
Yeah, but can you get into college with B's?
I'll get there.
Jenny Claire, AIA.
- Sounds good, huh? - Yeah.
You want an architect for a daughter?
I want you happy.
Now stand up so I can see how your party dress is gonna look on ya.
Geez, that's pretty, huh?
Yeah. Ma, remember, you can't stay.
Except for the first five minutes of the party...
just to say hi, then back up to my room.
I know. I know. But I don't want no grass smoked in this house. You got that?
- Keep it. - Thanks, bud.
Hey, Bill, I heard it's your birthday.
Now, this place moves. Not like that dump we were in before.
- Ed, this place is nasty. - No way!
-Just loud. - Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, guys. Stell, this is Freddie, Tom and Sid.
Guys, this is Stella Claire, my best pal and the sexiest woman in the city.
- Hi. - How you doin'? You wanna dance?
- Yeah. - Sit down, guys. How's it hangin', Fred?
- Good. Good. What have you been up to? - Ah, same old, same old.
- I love this song. It's great.
- You're quite a dancer. - Oh, I love to dance.
I used to want to be a ballerina.
I used to go out onto the back porch and twirl and twirl.
I used to think maybe a talent scout would--
Come on, baby. I got something you'd really like.
I can make you mew like a kitten.
Are you through?
You said your say?
- Yeah. So what. - So this.
- Let go of me.
- Let go! - Enough.
[ Screams, Groans ]
- [ Growls ] - [ Groans ]
- [ Woman Screaming ] - Watch it!
- He's got a bat, Ed! - [ Gagging ]
[ Stella ] Watch out.!
- Ah, shit. - [ Crowd Yelling ]
- Where's all my stuff? - Don't sweat it, Stell. We didn't do nothin'.
We'll be out in an hour. Come on. There's no need to be shoving her.
- Just take it easy. - Stunning.
Did I tell you about the guy that went to the hardware store to get a vasectomy?
- Every time he got excited, his garage door went up. - [ Laughing ]
- [ Officer ] Get in there. - It's just stunning.
[ Ed ] Home, James. Step on it.
[ Mrs. Wilkerson ] Well, I think a few phone calls are in order, don't you?
Ma, you made it look wonderful.
- Yeah. It looks good, don't it? - Doesn't it?
Doesn't it? I got a great idea.
Let's go outside and pretend we never been here.
Then we can see what it'll look like to everybody.
Oh, gosh. Oh. Oh.
- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!
- Aw, happy birthday, baby. Oh, thanks, Mom. - Give me five.
- Oh, Ma, they don't do that anymore. - Oh, come on!
[ Phone Rings ]
Hello?
Oh. Okay.
[ Phone Clatters In Cradle ]
That was Joe Lund. He said he can't come.
- Oh, why? - I don't know. He said something came up.
Oh, well. That's just more food for everybody else.
I know, but Joe's always so much fun at parties.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it. You're the birthday girl.
Hmm.
- Hi. - [ Girl At Door, Indistinct ]
That was Diane Vaught's sister.
She says, “Mama says to tell you Diane can't come.”
Well, God, she's the first person I asked.
She sits next to me in first period.
[ Phone Rings ]
I hope to hell that's Eugene Gagliano.
No one's comin', I guess.
[ Tires Screeching, Horn Honking ]
Happy birthday, Jenny!
[ Tires Screeching, Horn Honking ]
Hey, Jenny, how about a birthday present?
Happy birthday!
[ Honking Continues ]
Why? What is this? [ Sighs ]
- Did somethin' happen at school? - No.
[ Sighs ] Oh, God.
I hate parties anyway.
Any kind of party.
Once when I was 1 2, this rich girl invited me to a pool party at her house.
I was still kind of flat-chested then, so, uh--
So I went out and bought myself a pair of them foam-rubber falsies to wear under my suit.
You know? And I'm prancing around the pool. Mm-mm-mm.
Thought I looked like Natalie Wood or somebody.
So I jump into the pool, and I'm swimmin' around.
All of a sudden, Paul Burgard taps me on the shoulder. I look up...
and there's both them damn falsies floatin' along on top of the water.
[ Laughing ] I thought I'd die.
It's okay.
I'm not gonna get upset about it.
I don't get it...
- but I'm not gonna feel bad on my birthday. - That's my baby.
I mean, if they don't want to come to my party, I can deal with that.
Honey, look at me.
Let me see your face.
Come on. I gotta know if you're okay.
- I'm fine. - Hey, come on. Let me see your face.
Oh, Ma. Damn it. Don't cry.
I'm not gonna cry. Don't you cry.
I love ya, Jenny girl.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Car Horn Honking ]
- Bye, Ma. - Oh. Bye, hon.
## [ Promotional Music ]
[ Woman On Tape ] So, you want to be a Nancy Lee representative.
Scores of women just like you are joining the ranks...
of the Nancy Lee company every week.
Yes, every week.
And they are making good money.
But let's ask ourselves, is there any other kind?
As they bring the complete line of Nancy Lee cosmetics into American women's homes.
Now, these bath pearls, when dropped in your tub...
will smooth away dry skin just like magic.
And this bath oil, as well as all the Nancy Lee products I've shown you...
are made only with the purest ingredients available to modern science.
Now, these are our color charts...
for nail enamels and lipsticks.
- We call our nail polishes “Wet and Wild.” - [ Chuckles ]
And our stay-on lip glosses glow both morning and night.
So, that's about the gist of it.
Did you wanna order anything besides them two moisturizers?
Well, I was thinking maybe some blusher.
This is a brand-new color we have. It's kind of an apricot.
- Mmm. - Take this brush, make this face...
- and smooth it on right here. - Mm-hmm.
- Like this? Like this? - That is fabulous.
## [ Humming ]
[Jenny Laughing ]
Hi, Ma.
Ma, this is Jim. Jim Uptegrove.
- This is my mother. - Hello, Jenny's mother.
Hello.
- I'm a little late. - I noticed.
- Well, we're goin' to the movies. - What about your schoolwork?
I did it already. Be right back.
Smoke?
- You don't like me, do you? - No.
So where do we go from here, you and me?
I try to kill you off. You try to do the same to me.
- I'll buy that. - I know you.
She don't, but I do. I grew up next door to guys like you.
Always easy, smooth. Nothin' ever bothers ya.
You wake up in the morning, your hair's not messed up.
I know you, fella.
I could have had a dozen just like ya.
No ambition. No talent.
Your brains are all behind your zipper.
You marry a girl who's better than you. She winds up miserable...
'cause you cheat on her while she has to live in a nasty house with beaverboard walls.
Man, do I know you.
Well, let me tell you somethin', buster. You knocked on the wrong door.
We're gonna go grab a pizza, Ma.
Sorry about the hamburgers.
Mmm. So long, Jenny's mother.
Come on.
[ Chuckling ]
Thirty-one dollars.
Even after I pay off Nancy Lee, my commissions will still come to...
well, gee, more than I made filing at the lumberyard any day. Let me tell ya.
- So, ask me what's on for tonight. - What's on for tonight?
I made us reservations to eat at the Windsor Room!
Ma, I'm sorry. I can't go. I've got a date with Jim Uptegrove tonight.
I don't want you going out with him anymore. I don't like the guy.
Since when do you tell me when to come and go?
Since I seen you goin' in the wrong direction.
You wanna settle for a dead-end life?
- For the love of God, this is just a date. - The guy's a bum!
- You're gonna wind up behind a bar! - Stop trying to run my life.
- I said you're not goin'. - Watch me.
Bye.
I'm so scared I'm screwin' up with Jenny.
Oh, come on. You're a terrific mother.
Yeah. She's hanging out with thugs. I don't know how to stop her.
I just don't know enough. I read them women's magazines, you know?
The ones that tell you how to get a better life.
They say, “Go in a new direction.” I wanna say, “Where's the door?
I'll go, but where's the goddamn door?”
I don't even know enough to find the goddamn door. Shoot.
Oh, if I had one wish...
it'd be that I had read books and knew somethin'.
- Something that could help Jen. - Help her?
- Help her what? - Help her be happy.
Happy. I want her happy.
A person's life is good, it shows in their face.
I want to see that look on her face. I want that for her.
Okay, okay, okay. I can buy that.
But what do you want for you?
I just feel like I'm drowning here.
I want--
I want somebody to help me keep my lips above the waterline.
What was wrong with me all those years ago?
How come you never dated me?
How come you never picked me?
Oh, Ed, we were friends.
What do you think marriage is, enemies? [ Chuckles ]
You got the whole idea screwed up from fashion magazines and weddings...
and polite little conversations at the breakfast table from television.
[ Chuckles ] That's not marriage.
Marriage is, I come home from work...
and we have a beer and we eat some spaghetti.
Then we roll around on the sofa for 20 minutes. You like that, don't ya?
Huh? Till we're all slick and sweaty?
And then we watch All in the Family...
and take a shower together and then eat some ice cream in bed.
That's marriage. Tell me you don't like that.
Tell me that doesn't sound good to you. You tell me that, huh?
[ Slurps, Sighs ]
[ Vehicle Approaching ]
- Here we go. - Shh. Yeah.
- [ Ed ] See ya later, kiddo. - All right. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Hi, honey.
- Sleep well? - Oh, okay, I guess.
Good.
Hmm. You look a little tired though.
- Was it a restful sleep? - [ Car Horn Honking ]
[ Door Slams ]
[ Chattering ]
- [ Man ] Hey. - [ Man #2 ] Asshole.
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
- Where do you wanna go?
Anyplace. I don't care.
You can take me to Phoenix or Las Vegas or Schenectady.
-Just not home. - You got it.
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Man On Radio ]
- [ Moans Softly ] Don't. - It's okay.
I said don't!
-What the hell's wrong with you? -I just don't want to.
You want me to stencil it on my forehead?
There's no such thing as “don't want to” if it's done right.
- Stop it. - You act like you never had one in your hand before.
- Come on! - Hey!
Fine! Walk home!
Crawl, bitch!
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Sighs ]
- [ Dog Barking ] - I'm half out of my mind! It's 4:00 in the morning.
- What do you think you're doing? Huh? - Minding my own business.
- You oughta try it sometime. - Jenny, you answer me. I'm talkin' to you!
Don't walk away from me. And look at me when I speak to you.
Where were ya? Out layin' around with that boy half the night!
You were, weren't ya?
Yeah. Are you satisfied?
We did it all night long in the back seat of his car, and I loved it.
[ Bottle Cap Clatters ]
Oh, Christ.
- God, how I hate seeing you like this. - Yeah?
- Well, mirrors hurt sometimes, don't they? - What the hell does that mean?
Oh, come on. I saw you yesterday, walkin' in all tiptoe.
[ Laughs ] That man is a joke, a fool.
I am a grown woman. I can do what I choose.
Oh, so you choose to fuck a fool.
- You take that back. - No.
- I said take it back. - No.
- Take it back! - No. Oh!
All right, I take it back. I still think he's disgusting.
Get out of the house. Get out of my sight.
I am so glad to be going to Daddy's, so glad to be getting away from you!
- I'm leaving today. - I don't care! Go to the moon for all I care!
- I'm stayin' the whole two weeks! -Just get out! Get--
[ Door Closes ]
[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct]
Jenny? Jenny?
Jenny? Oh! Jenny!
- Oh, Ma! - Baby, I'm so sorry I called you that.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of that.
- I won't see him anymore except as a friend. - I did not sleep with him.
- Okay? No, I swear! - You didn't? God, I'm so glad!
- You're such a good girl. I knew you were. - I love you.
I'm gonna miss you. I'm only staying a few days.
Look what I bought-- a little dressy sweater in case you have to go somewhere at night.
- That's expensive! - I know, but you're gonna look so beautiful.
- Look, it's your color. Oh! Look at that. Oh! - Oh, Ma. Oh.
Oh, my girl. Oh, shoot.
- This is-- - Go on home. Show's over. The monkey died.
- This is great! I gotta go. - I guess we put on quite a spectacle.
- But I don't care. - Give me the bag.
Okay. All right.
- I love you. - I love you.
All right. Have a good time. Have a good time.
- I'm gonna miss you, Ma. - I'll miss you too, honey.
- Good-bye. Bye! - Good-bye!
- I love you. - I love you, Ma.
[ Stephen ] This time, I want you to meet Janice.
- [Jenny ] What for? - Well, because she's part of my life and you're part of my life.
So what's she like? Is she pretty?
Yes. She's better than pretty. She's smart.
She's... sexy.
She makes these blueberry pancakes you wouldn't believe.
And she's charming. You know how people are either charming or they're not?
She is.
Look, I don't wanna spend the next two weeks with some rich bitch that I don't even know.
- I came to see you. - It's not like I'm not gonna be there, for God sakes.
And you watch your mouth about Janice. She's--
- Charming! - Would you give the world a small break?
You're going for a lovely two weeks in the country, not a hanging.
When did you start getting so negative?
When did you start gettin' so bossy?
When did you start wearing your hair like this?
When did you start saying things like “lovely two weeks”?
What is that? [ Scoffs ]
There's nothing wrong with my hair.
This is new wave.
You know what you need?
You need to put your head right there.
[Jenny ] So, Janice, Daddy says you're rich.
- [ Stephen ] Hey, come on. - [Janice ] No, no. That's okay.
She can ask me whatever she wants. Go on.
- Are you rich? - I guess you could say that.
Big-time rich or just so-so rich?
Mmm, so-so rich.
- Born with money? - [ Chuckles ] No.
I was born on a dirt farm in Missouri.
I got a scholarship to Smith. And then I got my job at Random House.
That's where I met my husband.
He had money. And, uh, when he died, he left it to us.
That felt like a test. [ Laughs ]
Did I pass?
What else? I love my job. I've got a great kid.
- And I make terrific blueberry pancakes. - [Jenny ] Yeah. I heard.
[ Stephen ] Jenny.
May I walk with you?
You gonna tell me what's goin' on?
[ Sighs ] I just look at Janice...
and I think about Mom breakin' her back selling cosmetics all day.
You know how often I've tried to help her out with money? Time and again and again.
I know it. I know it. I know it.
[ Sighs ]
Why didn't you and Mom get married?
Well, I asked her...
in a lame sort of way, and she said no.
Which was smart. She was so proud.
She'd always say, “I got two hands. I can do it myself.”
[ Chuckles ] She still says that.
If we'd gotten married, it never would've worked.
I mean, if I hunted the world over...
I don't know if I could've found anybody more different than me.
First time I ever saw her...
she was dancing on top of a bar.
Really? [ Chuckles ]
Really. And she gleamed.
Ah, but you take oil and water...
and you mix and you mix and you mix.
And when you quit, you still got oil and water.
So what do you think? Give us all a break.
Lighten up on Janice.
- Please. - [ Laughs ]
Hey, why don't you try this on?
[ Gasps ] Spandex?
- No. I don't think so. - Why not? This is really sexy.
- Yeah. - You think I can get away with this?
Why not?
Jenny, if I wore this, every guy would--
[ Wolf Whistle ]
That's not all they'd do. Actually--
What do you think of this?
Yeah, if I had your legs, I'd probably wear that too.
I'm liking you better and better. You can hang around.
I also spotted this. For you.
- Oh-- - A backless back.
- I don't know. - Come on. With your back...
my legs-- how can we go wrong?
- [ People Chattering ]
- How do you think it's going? - [ Chattering ]
Great party, Mom.
- [ Woman ] Hi, Janice. - Hi.
- Oh, you look great. - Thank you.
Great party, Janice.
- Voil?. - Do you know what we were doing...
for the first time a year ago tonight?
First time a year ago tonight?
Oh! Am I the color of my dress?
- Am I? - [ Laughs ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ People Chattering ]
So, uh-- So you're from Watertown?
- You've asked me that twice. - Right, right. Sorry.
You just, uh, make me a little nervous.
- Why? - Because you're so pretty.
[ Chuckles ]
- You're pretty too. - [ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I like what I hear about Smith, but--
I don't know. I think I'd like to go to a co-ed school...
or something like... U.V.M. or--
What do you think?
Well, I think they're all pretty much the same.
[ Chuckles ] That's easy for you to say.
- You-- You go to Brown. - Well, I'm a double legacy.
That means they had to take me.
So, um, what's your major?
Education.
An education major at Brown?
Yeah. My parents think it's weird too.
I think they were counting on pre-law, premed, pre-money.
- [ Laughs ] - You know?
Do you want to sit down?
This is what I wanna do. I love teaching.
You know? I mean, I love it.
I'm practice-teaching this semester in fourth grade.
The kids in fourth grade are really special.
This one kid, Ricky Degan, he is so smart.
He starts thinkin'-- boom, look out. He's got sparks flyin' off his head.
- But, uh, he's L.D., so-- - What's “L.D.”?
- Learning disabled-- dyslexic. - Oh.
Anyway, we're working on a phonics rock video tape together.
And, uh, he's learning how to read.
And I'm teaching him.
Wow. That's really great.
- Ask me who had a great time. - Who had a great time?
- I did. - I think Pat Robbins had a good time too.
Isn't he something? He's gonna write me.
Yes?
I've never met a boy before who just fit together with me, you know?
Yeah. I do know.
- I'm sorry you have to go tomorrow. - Oh, me too.
But I can't wait to tell Mom about the great time I had.
She's gonna love it.
So he said I'd like Janice, and he was right.
Not only is she smart, but she has got this way about her that-- I don't know.
She's got this wonderful laugh and this fabulous figure.
- What's her name? -Janice.
Janice. Ugliest girl I ever knew was named Janice.
- Had buck teeth, hardly any eyebrows. - Oh!
And she is an editor at Random House.
What's she look like? Is she 16? She 60? What?
I don't know.
I mean, she's not like-- She's just different.
Different? How is she different? She got three tits?
Ma!
- Ma? - Yeah. I'm in here.
Look. I forgot I had this photograph.
- That's Janice. - Oh, let me see.
Mom! Look what you did. You ruined it.
Sorry, honey.
Let me do that.
Come here.
It doesn't matter.
Get out your checkbook, Mrs. Douglas.
I got some stuff in my case is gonna change your life.
- [ Knocking ] - [Jenny ] Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
[ Together] # “Sam-and-Janet” evening ##
I heated up some of that good stew we had last night.
- Oh, thank you, honey girl. - How was your day?
Great. I sold Mrs. Douglas a whole lot of stuff she didn't need.
[ Laughs ] Good! 'Cause I want you to look at his picture.
Oh, not that again! I'm sick of this Pat Robbins.
You been following me around with that snapshot for two weeks.
- Ma, just his eyes. - I seen his eyes, both of' em.
No, not really. Not with a magnifying glass.
- I won't do it. I won't. I don't want to see his eyes. - Ma!
- I don't wanna. -Just a quick look. A quick look, Ma.
I won't. All right. You talked me into it.
I'm blind. Look at that. Paul Newman would die of envy.
Mel what's-his-name should pack it in. There. Are ya satisfied?
- It's Gibson. Mel Gibson. - Mel Gibson.
It doesn't make any difference. I'll probably never see him again.
What do you say a thing like that for?
Well, he's spending Christmas with his family, and--
Well, what about Easter vacation?
He's flying down to Florida with a bunch of kids from his school...
and he'll probably meet some stuck-up heiress and marry her.
- Or Madonna. - Madonna. Well, I wish you could go.
- Did he ask ya? - Yeah, he did.
You didn't tell me that.
Oh, the blue piqué! You found it.
- Yeah, it's pretty, isn't it? - Yeah.
You want covered buttons?
Uh, Ma. I want--
- I want you to look at his mouth. - No!
- Yes! - Not that! I can't do it! I'm too weak.
- Look! Look! - [ Laughing ]
Don't! No. [ Shrieking ]
Well, I don't care, if I do say so myself.
[ Sighs ] That's pretty.
- It's beautiful. - Mmm.
Happy Christmas eve, sugar.
You think it needs some more icicles?
No, Ma. It's perfect like that.
Well, how about if we, um...
take some angel hair and put it over the lights?
- You know, make it all glowy. - Mother, don't gussy it all up.
Ah. Plain Jane.
Can't stand to see anything really pretty.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Merry Christmas! [ Laughs ]
Hey, mistletoe, missy!
How about giving your old uncle Santa Claus a little soul kiss?
See you in hell first.
- You got a date. - Ed, what are you doin'?
- No! - I'm gonna cook this S.O.B.
- Oh. - Ed, come on. Come on, honey. Be reasonable.
- It takes hours to cook a turkey. Oh, God. - Oh, well, tell you what.
We'll turn the son of a bitch up to 5,000 degrees, and we'll microwave its ass. Ow!
- Ed! Ed. - Ow, ow, ow. Oh, man, it's hot.
- My roast! - Roast on Christmas eve?
- My roast.! Ed.! - We'll just cool this baby off.
- Here we go. All right. Okay. - No!
- Oh, no. Oh, my God. - There you go, babe.
Oh, shit.
You know I'm your friend. You know I love ya.
But ya can't just waltz in here drunk on Christmas eve!
- I don't want the bird. Take the bird. - What are you doing?
- I won him for ya. - Here. You and the bird get the hell out.
- Look, come back tomorrow when you're sober, all right? - [ Muttering ]
I love ya.
- Hey, Stella.! It's cold out here. - [ Doorbell Rings ]
Daddy!
- [ Laughing ] - Oh, my goodness!
- What are you doin' here? - I couldn't resist. I had to deliver these in person.
- Merry Christmas. - Oh, merry Christmas. You look so handsome.
- You're prejudiced. - I'll tell Ma you're here.
Ah, just a minute. Just a minute.
Just staying for a moment. Now, don't open those.
- [ Whispering ] Ma, Daddy's here! - What's he doin' here?
- I don't know. - My God, what do I look like?
Give me five minutes to fix myself up.
So this big truck driver is waiting and he's, like, really mad.
This guy must weigh 2 75 pounds. He's really impatient.
- [Jenny Laughing ] Oh, no. - Hi.
Stella. Wow, you look terrific.
Thanks. Oh.
- [ Laughing ] - And your tree is-- It's great!
- Yeah, isn't it? - It's great, yeah.
What are you doing here in Watertown on Christmas eve?
It was just an impulse. I was starved for the sight of this one.
You want to stay to dinner? We made a big roast. We made a Waldorf salad.
- Yeah! - I wish I could, but I've got to go right back.
I'm on an 8:00 flight.
Well, at least take your coat off. Sit down for a couple of minutes.
- Come on. All right. - Oh, all right. Thanks.
So, what are you doin' for Christmas?
Janice and I are driving up to Connecticut and having dinner with some friends.
- The Robbinses and the Fiesters. - Is Pat gonna be there?
- I think so. - Tell him I got the letter and the art book.
- They were beautiful. - I'll tell him.
- He asks about you every time I see him. - He does?
I wish you could be with us. Stella, couldn't I take her, just once?
You mean now? We got plans for Christmas.
Of course you do.
Yeah. We have plans, and--
- Honey, do you wanna go? - Oh, honey.
[ Sighs ] No, Ma.
Don't be silly. W-We're gonna see that play tomorrow night.
Well. Now look at me, baby.
Come on. Let me see your face.
- Come on. - Ma, I'd rather stay here.
Well, you're goin', and that's that. We can see a play anytime.
Besides, I don't really like that guy anyway.
She made me watch something he wrote on TV once.
- Pinter. She doesn't like Harold Pinter. - Go pack, silly.
- Come on, Ma. - Go on, go on.
Hey, maybe I could get us on the morning flight...
and the three of us could have dinner tonight.
Yeah? Okay.
- Is the phone still over here? - Yeah.
[ Pounding ]
[ Stephen ] Yes, uh, I'd like to make a reservation for two.
I brought you this thing, so you can just keep the son of a bitch!
- There's nothing at all? Are you sure? - I get it now.
Old slow-on-the-uptake Ed finally gets it.
Young Dr. Dallas drops by, so you don't have time for an old pal.
Well, that's okay, 'cause I don't care to have Christmas with you.
You go ahead and you have-- You have Christmas with all your rich folks.
Merry Christmas. And piss on you, lady.
Okay.
Thank you.
What was that?
Oh, Ed was here a while ago, and I--
I sent him away.
He's had a little hard luck lately.
I guess it's made him sour. Did you get the new reservations?
- Everything for tomorrow's booked. - I'm ready.
With the snow, we just have time to get to the airport.
- All right. - Are you sure this is all right?
Yeah. Go on. It'll be fine.
- Ma, I'll call you as soon as I get there. - All right.
- I'll have her back in a couple of days. - Okay.
- Stella, I don't know what to say. Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Ma. - Okay, baby.
- Are you gonna be okay? - I'll be fine.
- Have a good time. Bye. - I love you, Ma.
- I love you too. - Great to see you.
- Bye. Bye. - Bye.
Oh.
Jen! Jenny! Jen!
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
[ Chuckles ]
Merry Christmas, Stella.
- [ Door Closes ]
- What? - # Pina colada ##
[ Imitating Latin Accent ] Tan legs, sand. Florida.
Ma, what are you doin'?
Mr. Insta-Card, he say he know somebody very, very blue...
because Pat Robbins and his family off to Florida for a spring break.
- I'm not blue. - Mr. Insta-Card...
he say, “We can go too.”
Ma, that's dumb. We can't afford that.
- Can. - Can't.
Can too. Mr. Insta-Card, he don't care when we pay him back.
1 991 , 1 999-- it's all the same to him.
- I would love to go be with Pat, but I'm-- - We're goin'!
- What do you mean? - We're gonna Insta-Card our little butts...
down to Florida and Pat Robbins!
- Ma! - We're goin'! We're goin'!
- We're going? - Mambo!
- You mean it? - Merengue!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Ma, I'm on my way.
- Oh, how's your cold? - Oh, a little better, I guess.
- My first time in Florida, I wind up flat on my back... - Oh.
with a cold for three days.
- Can I get you anything? - Honey, I ordered everything I could think of.
Magazines, candy, steaks, cards, cigarettes.
- Cigarettes with a cold? - Oh, come on. I'm bored.
Go on. Go swimmin'. Have some fun.
If I feel like it later, I may get dressed and look up Pat's mom.
Get together with her or something like that. All right?
- Okay, Ma. - Okay, have a good time.
[ Sneezes ]
Hi. You look great!
Hi.
- So you play tennis? - Yeah, I do.
- Wanna play later on? - I don't know how to play.
- Will you teach me? - Yes, I'll teach you.
[ Man ] My God, take a look at this one.
[ Woman Laughs ] Oh.!
- Hi. - Hi. What can I get you?
I'm gonna have a daiquiri. No, no. I changed my mind.
- Gimme a sufferin' bastard. - Come again?
You don't know a sufferin' bastard? It's famous.
It's in the Trader Vic's Bartender's Guide.
- Tell me how, I'll make it. - You know what? I think it's quicker for me to show ya.
- Well-- - You don't mind, do ya?
- Now that you mention it. - I tended bar for five years in Watertown, New York.
- Gimme a double old-fashioned glass. Fill it with ice. - Lady--
- I take a squeeze of lime. Here, just like that. - Great.
- Two kinds of rum. - Yeah.
Yeah. A little bit of mai tai mix.
- You got any cucumber sticks? - I must have forgotten the cucumber sticks.
- All right. I'll take a fruit stick instead. - You're pretty good.
- Cheers. - Stop by anytime.
- Hi. Gee, that's some tan you got there.
- Thank you. - Wow!
Who is that?
- Isn't this great? Great music. - [ Man ] Wonderful.
- You don't feel like dancing, do ya? - Not right now, thanks.
Oh, all right. Salsa. It's called salsa. It's really hot, huh?
- No kiddin'. - You wanna dance?
- Maybe later. Okay. - Oh, okay.
- [ Man ] Pina colada, please. - ## [ Humming To Salsa Music ]
[ Whooping ]
Oh.
- Come on. Let's dance. - I can't.
Come on. Come on.
- I could lose my job! - [ People Laughing ]
- Excuse me. Do you believe this? - Go on. Have a ball.
[ Howls, Laughs ]
- Check that out! - Oh, my God.
- Tango! - Hey, lady, do you know this one?
[ Laughing, Whooping ]
Great. I'll see what I can do.
[ Whooping ]
I can't believe it.
[ People Cheering ]
Ayayay!
[ People Whooping ] Oh, baby, shake it!
Yeah, baby.!
- I've gotta go. - What's wrong?
Just-- Nothing.
Jenny.
Oh!
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
- Hey, did you order a beer? - [ Girl ] God, this sun feels good.
I don't care if I get wrinkles.
- Oh, I always put on sunscreen. - What is that, a 20?
Yeah.
[ Girl ] You know that thing we saw in the bar this morning?
You know who that is? That's Jenny Claire's mother. Can you believe that?
I thought it must've been Pee-Wee Herman's wife or something.
- [ Girl #2 ] That is Jenny's mother? - I know. Incredible.
- I kind of feel sorry for her. - I'll tell you one thing though.
She had Pat Robbins real interested for a while...
but I bet she can kiss that good-bye.
I mean, really, how'd you like to have a mother like that?
- [ Girl #2 Laughs ] - Oh, I'd shoot myself. I would.
What's going on?
- Yo, Dex. - How ya doin'?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Nah.
Forgive me. What'd you do, take up baby-sitting?
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello? - [ Man ] Is this Mrs. Stella Claire?
- Yeah. - This is Sergeant Phillip, Watertown Police.
We're holding your daughter.
Is she all right? Can I come get her?
Yeah.
She didn't have any drugs on her, but half the kids in the place did...
including that guy she was with.
She refused her urine test...
and she slapped the female officer who was trying to search her.
Knocked the glasses clear off her face.
Are there any charges? Does she have to come back?
Just take her the hell home.
She's in there.
[ Horns Honking ]
[ Construction Noise ]
[ People Chattering ]
- [ Chattering ] - Yes, can I help you?
- I'm lookin' for Janice Morrison. - Yes?
I'm Stella Claire. I'm Jenny's mom.
Nice. Nice.
- It's taken me-- - It must've cost you--
[ Both Chuckle ]
- W-Would you like to sit down? - Oh, thanks.
Why don't we sit over here? It's more comfortable.
Oh. Okay.
- Would you like some coffee? - Yeah. Uh--
- How do you take it? - Uh, milk.
- [ Woman ] I'm here. - Yes. Uh, two coffees, please. One with milk. Thanks.
Jenny, uh, tells me you're an editor.
- That's right. - Y-You like it?
- Oh, I love it. - Yeah. Jenny's always saying about how...
her work has to be satisfyin', how she wants to go to her job happy every day.
Where I grew up, people just went to work. They didn't think about it either way.
- Can I use this for an ashtray? - Uh, yes.
Thanks.
Jenny wants to be an architect, you know.
Yes. She told me.
I, uh--
Listen. I, uh-- I wanna ask you something.
- Mm-hmm. - Are you and Stephen planning on gettin' married?
Well, um, yes. We're pretty close to that.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Well, here's the thing.
After you and Stephen was married, would you want to take Jenny?
- “Take” her? - Yeah. To live with ya.
Well, no. We wouldn't dream of it.
- I know how close the two of you are. - Yeah.
But-- But if I didn't want her anymore.
I-I mean, if it wasn't convenient for me to keep her anymore?
Jenny's growing up now, you know. She's-- She's quite a handful.
Why don't you just say what you mean?
Yeah. Well--
Jenny's at an age now where she should have things.
Not money. I don't mean that.
- But books, museums, art stuff. - [ Tapping Cigarette ]
I know you can take a girl to a museum or-- or buy her a book...
but when she gets home, who's she gonna talk about it to?
And she's-- She's just not happy.
I can see it. All I have to do is look at her face.
I know her. Look, I feel like I did a lot for her, you know?
I raised her myself. And I think maybe my part's done.
And she's crazy about her dad. She takes after him an awful lot.
So if you and Stephen was to get married and she was to come and live with ya...
you could probably adopt her...
and the two of you'd have the same last name.
And everybody would just--
just naturally think she was yours.
No, Stella. You're wrong.
- You've done a wonderful job raising that girl. - I have, I think.
So far.
But she's at the point now where she could go wrong.
I don't know that she will, but I know there's the possibility.
A-And it just-- It just kills me.
- Look. I wasn't raised with money-- - Oh, it's not about money.
You got any brothers or sisters?
Yes. I have two sisters.
And did they grow up to be big-time, fancy editors like you?
Are they happy?
Aha. Just like I thought.
You got out. They didn't.
I'm telling you, I'm not gonna take a single solitary chance on my Jen.
You don't know how wonderful she is.
Yes, I do. She didn't get it all from her father.
I gotta go.
Jenny don't know I'm here, and I don't want her to.
I've thought it all out, and the way to do it...
is for her to come visit like always, and then--
And then you'll tell her after she's there.
- All right. - Okay.
Yeah. It'll be best that way.
- You-- You be sure and call. Okay? - Of course I will.
- May I see your boarding pass? Thank you. - Don't worry.
- Enjoy your flight. - Thanks.
- Bye, Ma. - Bye.
I love you, Jenny.
I love you, Ma.
Everybody's dead. And they're on the beach, and only one person's left.
And that's April, the-- the one with the blonde hair, you know?
And she is so scared. And she knows she has to get off the island...
and so she says to herself, you know, “I have to get off the island.”
- Bob. - Yeah?
Less is more.
[ Chuckles ] You know, Bob, your mom and my dad look so good together...
they practically have to get married.
- Practically. - So what are you gonna wear?
I was thinking of spandex. [ Laughs ]
- It's 9:30. - But--
No.
- Night, big guy. - Good night.
Hug, hug, hug.
Night.
- Night. - Night.
Jen. Janice and I have been wondering--
We want you to come and live with us.
[ Chuckles ] What do you mean?
We want you to come here and live with us.
That's a very nice idea...
but I couldn't leave Mom.
- You can see your mother whenever you want. - Sure.
No. No, I couldn't. But thanks.
Wait a second. You know-- When your mother and I discussed this--
- Mom already knows about this? - Well, sure.
I mean, she and I both want what's best for you...
and we thought, now that you're practically grown up--
Look. I don't care what you thought. I'm not gonna do that.
Jenny, you don't understand. This was your mother's idea.
- She came to see me. - Wait a minute. There's something really wrong here.
- Nothing is wrong. - If it's not what you want, we're not gonna--
Nobody is gonna make you do anything bad for you.
This is really way off.
Uh-- When did she come to see you?
- Well, I can't remember. - Was it right after we got back from Florida?
I guess. I'm not sure.
Would you think?
I'm sorry, Jenny. I don't remember exactly when she-- Yes, I guess.
- Oh, my God. - What has Florida got to do with it?
What am I gonna do?
[ Door Opens, Slams ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Ringing Continues ]
- Hello. - Stella. Hi. It's Stephen.
- Is Ed here? - Over there.
Ed.
[ Grunts ]
- Hiya, Stell. - Ed.
I need ya. Ya gotta help me.
Hey, bud.
In the whole town, the prettiest.
Come on. We gotta go.
- We gotta go. - [ Clears Throat ]
- Come on. - [ Panting ]
Just hang on.
[ Vehicle Door Closes ]
Knock, knock!
Ma?
Hey. Look who's back.
Ma, I-- I tried to call you last night and this morning, but I couldn't get you.
Oh. I'm not surprised.
I been gone half the time.
We had a party here last night. Geez, the noise was somethin'.
What's up? Why are ya back?
Ma, how could you think that I would--
The only place I want to live is here.
Yeah? Oh, gee, I thought you'd like it for a while.
You always have such a good time with your dad.
Well, yeah, I do. But, God, Ma, this is where I live.
I guess anywhere you are is home.
God. You always was such a cornball.
If you're gonna stay for a while, help me clean this place up.
I know what you're doin'. You don't fool me.
Look, Jenny. If you've got something to say, I wish you'd spit it out.
I've got a half a head on from last night. I don't feel like all this tap dancin' around.
Ma, I know you don't want me to go. You were just thinking of me.
I know you don't want me to leave.
- You're really somethin'. - What do you mean?
Really somethin'.
Ya can't believe the whole world don't revolve around you, can ya?
Ya can't believe somebody else might want a little somethin' for themselves, can ya?
Well, let me tell ya what, girl.
I'm thrilled to have you out of here.
I love having the house to myself.
I love just the simple fact of peace and quiet.
Besides, I can't handle ya anymore. Runnin' around with thugs, stayin' out all night.
Winding up in jail. It's time I started thinkin' about me.
I want... a few laughs...
some good times.
Maybe even a man! A little slap, a little tickle between the sheets.
- Ooh. You know? Oh, face facts. Ed! - [ Gasps ]
Hey, Ed.! Come on out here.
You may as well know now.
- Ed and me are gettin' married. - What!
- Ed's got a job in Hawaii. - [ Crying ]
Oh, for Christ's sake! Don't make me listen to that cryin' crap this mornin'!
- Why don't you run on back to Daddy and Miss Moneybags, huh?
- Do you hear me?
- This is not about you!
- [ Sobbing ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Chuckles ] Oh, you look beautiful.
Ah, you're prejudiced.
It's time.
I don't know about you, but I need you to put your head right here.
Fathers are supposed to say something wise to their daughters on their wedding day...
but the sight of you strikes me dumb.
It all comes down to this. You are loved.
I can't take much credit for it...
but not many kids get as good a foundation for life as you've had.
You are loved.
And I know Stella would tell you the same thing.
Oh, God, I miss her.
I can still feel her hand on my head from when she used to brush my hair.
I don't mean I-I remember it. I mean, I feel it.
I called Honolulu this morning, then all the other islands.
Still no listings of her or Ed Munn.
I can't imagine getting married without her.
We tried everything, honey.
- [ Sighs ] - If she knew, do you think there's anything in the world...
that could keep her away from here tonight?
[ Laughing ]
Okay, folks. No stars tonight.
Just a big wedding. Let's go. Come on.
Oh, dear! It's so wet. Thank you.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Hey, lady, come on. Give 'em a break in there, will ya?
You ever heard of privacy? Why don't you take a walk?
No. Please.
Let me see her face.
She's gonna raise her veil in a minute when he kisses her.
I gotta see her face.
You've got a minute, lady.
[ Bette Midler ]
# I've been down #
# But I've never been beat #
# So let me hear #
# One more cheer #
# One more cheer for me #
# One more cheer #
# For anyone who never got the glory #
# One more cheer #
# For those who know what they have in their hearts #
# When I think how far I've come #
# What I've dreamed and what I've done #
# One more cheer #
# For anyone who never got--##