I could never get those fires started.
Dad, are you gonna have chicken? You want meat?
Chicken's fine.
This is a brilliant article.
Norman!
Did you read Ken's article on China?
-No, I haven't. -Terrific article.
Where is Ken?
In the house watching the Yankee game.
Your husband. Comes for a day in the beautiful countryside...
heads for the television set.
Ken, come on, honey!
How many people want chicken, and how many want hamburgers?
Two more outs! Three minutes!
I think everybody's dying for a little libation.
Why don't you make your famous Stoli martinis?
Janet, when are you and Ken gonna have a child?
You've let your sister have a big head start.
Let Leslie practice viola for six hours a day...
then it's not so easy.
Leave her alone.
I came in here to make drinks for everybody.
What are you doing? You want a drink?
Sure.
This is nuts.
We gotta get out of here.
Oh, God.
We're gonna get caught.
They're by the lake. I can see everything.
They're deep in conversation.
Wait! There's Janet!
Ken...
You can't scare me like that. I grind my teeth.
Just don't scare me like that.
It was nothing. Just a false alarm.
Try not to actually chew.
Wouldn't it be great if we could be alone together?
Just relaxed, you and me?
It would be so great.
That would be so great.
Let's hang in. You never know what's gonna happen.
Come on. Open wide.
Ken, turn the Yankee game off and come on out here now!
I will! Just one minute! It's almost over!
God. I'm done.
You can come anytime you want.
Can I?
I'm ready!
Leslie, is that you?
Can you lead me down to the lake?
Can you give me just a minute, Grandma?
I'm just--I'm making martinis.
Sure, dear.
I want to finish.
Oh, Ken?
Is that you?
Finish what?
Come, Ken.
Come?
Come lead me down to the lake.
Ever since I lost my second eye, I feel so frail.
You don't have to moan about it.
It's not that terrible.
Ken is hurrying, Grandma.
Would you do the olives, Ken? Quickly?
Oh, you know, you can use onions, too.
I prefer onions, don't you, Ken?
Boy, you must really love onions.
How much do I--
Lucy?
You schmuck! You bastard!
I'd like to cut your head off.
You're upset, right?
How could you? Didn't you know what would happen?
What?
Don't answer me, prick.
You knew. You just didn't give a shit.
Why don't you take your coat off and just...
How could you write that book?
Are you so selfish?
You're so self-engrossed you don't care who you destroy?
You told our whole story!
All the details. You gave me away to my sister.
Marvin's left me. He's gone.
It was loosely based on us.
Don't bullshit me, motherfucker!
Who do you think you're talking to...
one of those retarded talk-show hosts?
I lived through it with you.
I know how loosely based it is.
Hey, what are you telling me...
that your blind grandmother caught us fucking one day?
No, No. Of course.
You made a few stupid exaggerations...
or, as the critics say, "inspired comic flights."
But Jane recognized it.
You'd have to be submental not to.
And Marvin was crushed!
Jane suspected us.
I can't tell you how long Jane suspected us.
I know! I denied it!
And now you've gone...
you've gone and confirmed it all for her.
Big fuckin' deal-- you made Leslie shorter.
Big fuckin' deal!
But it's all here.
The poor schmuck country doctor, the violinist...
her younger sister cheating with her husband.
The picture window, for Christ's sake!
Cruel observations about Marvin...
with his barbecue and chef's hat.
And, of course, Jane...
or, as you pathetically disguise her...
Janet.
Here it is.
"It was not simply that Leslie had become numbed...
"with the inane spate of leaden perceptions...
"that passed for wit from Marvin.
"It was not even the image she shared with Ken...
"of Marvin's flaccid, microscopic member...
"jiggling up and down as he bounced naked...
"across the icy floor of their Connecticut home...
"to close the storm windows.
"It was that she had never loved him...
"but wanted to have children...
"to retaliate against her older sister...
"who did not have a maternal bone in her being...
"and whose every inch, Leslie felt...
"was occupied by gluttonous self-love.
"Ken ran his hand over Leslie's large round breasts...
"and mounted her from the rear."
Big fuckin' deal. You gave her large breasts.
Leslie, please--
Lucy!
I'm Lucy, motherfucker!
Not Leslie.
Except, of course, I am Leslie...
because you made no attempt to disguise anything.
You didn't give a fuck!
You didn't care enough to disguise anything!
Please! Jesus!
You pulled out two years ago.
You broke my fuckin' heart.
You left your wife and me...
for some little cooze!
Me and Janet!
Jane. Janet is the character.
Now, two years on...
your latest magnum opus...
emerges from this sewer of an apartment...
where you take everyone's suffering...
and turn it into gold.
Literary gold.
Everyone's misery. You even cause them misery.
Mix your alchemy and make it into gold...
like some fuckin' black magician!
Give me a break.
I'm the one who wound up in Bellevue.
-You deserve it and worse. -Lucy!
You've ruined my life!
I've come here to blow my brains out!
What's wrong with you?
In front of you on your carpet because you caused it.
My fuckin' brains on your carpet!
You're so fucking unstable! Will you relax?
That's why you picked me.
That's what turns you on about me--
Jane's crazy sister.
Calm down. You're not gonna kill yourself.
No, you're not, because it's not in you.
You're not the dramatic type. You never were.
Jane is the dramatic sister.
Jane is the solo violinist.
Relax. For Christ's sake.
You're right.
I don't have the nerve to kill myself.
I knew it as I came over here.
I said, no, not me.
Better...
to kill him.
Pardon me?
Kill the black magician...
so he can't spin any more gold out of human misery.
What's wrong with you?
-Shut up! -Put it down!
You're so fuckin' verbal!
Who else could have talked me into giving him a blow job...
at my father's funeral?
Lucy, think it over.
You stop right there!
Don't shoot! Don't pull the trigger.
Look, If it makes you happy, my life has been going badly.
I've been miserable. My girl left me.
She went off with a close friend of mine.
Insomnia. I've got herpes.
I've squandered everything I have
on shrinks and lawyers and whores.
...fatigue syndrome.
I'm not gonna stand up here on this fucking roof...
with a world-class meshugana cunt...
and beg for my life.
If you want to, shoot me.
I was working. You interrupted.
So whose life were you exploiting today?
You'll be very happy--
I was working on an autobiographical thing...
about when I was first married.
Harvey Stern married too young--
mainly to get out of his parents' apartment...
which was a rent-controlled cornucopia...
of guilt, antagonism, and soul-deadening criticism.
By day, he labored listlessly in a shoe store.
By night, he glowed intensely over his Remington portable.
Are you coming to bed?
Rosalee, I'm in the middle of a sentence...
I'm feeling rejected because we never sleep together anymore.
I don't know what it is. I'm just not attracted to her.
Is she doing something to put you off?
It's my fault, too.
And I lie. I tell her I'm too wrapped up in work...
but the opposite is true.
I'm hyper-sexually aroused, just not for her.
-Who for? -Anyone else.
She has a sister. I'm dying to fuck her.
A doll. Thick lips.
Her friend from Columbia. Jennifer? I dream of her.
I never thought I could care about African history...
but she's spellbinding.
The truth is, I never meet or see a woman...
that I don't wonder what it would be like in bed with her.
I met a great hooker.
A hooker?
Yeah. Beautiful.
From China.
Unbelievable body.
Schooled by tradition in the art of pleasing men.
It's 50 clams.
Wouldn't you be cheating on your wife?
It's not cheating. She's a hooker.
It's not like I'm having a love affair.
You don't feel for a professional girl...
the way you do for your wife.
She comes over, rubs on her oils...
Oils?
Into the sack, she takes you to the moon.
You lay half a C-note on her, and she's history.
Where would you do it?
I couldn't have her come to my apartment.
Get a hotel room.
That's what I do when the wife's home.
I don't have that kind of dough. Fifty's a lot in itself.
Maybe a friend will let you use his place.
Kid, you're always bitchin' about your sex life.
I'm trying to help.
I tell her you gave me the number?
No, no. Not my name.
Don't use your real name.
No, of course. Not the real name.
Tell you what you do. You borrow a friend's apartment.
You use his name. That way, it'll be on the bell.
Now good fortune smiled on Harvey...
as one of his closest friends, Mendel Birnbaum...
was hit by a car...
and lay hovering between life and death...
at New York hospital...
thus freeing up an apartment for Harvey's tryst.
Donning the other man's silk robe...
Harvey became the swinger Mendel Birnbaum...
and awaited his Oriental passport to paradise.
You must be Mendel Birnbaum.
Did you enjoy it?
Are you kidding? I'll be right back.
Where you going?
I'm gonna see if I can find another 50.
I'd like to go again.
Open.
Who is it?
Who are you?
I've come for you.
What are you talking about?
I'm Death, and your name is on my list.
No, no, no. Wait a minute. You've made a mistake.
You don't have a minute.
I'm not Mendel Birnb--
Don't give me that bullshit!
Look at your monogram.
Mendel, who are you talking to?
Stop calling me Mendel.
I'm just using his pad.
Right.
They always have an excuse.
Let's go.
Move it, you little putz.
I'm standing on the roof, and she's pointing a gun at me.
We're out in the cold, and I'm panicked.
I'm telling her about a story I wrote when I was younger...
and she found it funny, thank God.
She laughed.
She relaxed a little. She put the gun down.
And you know.
So your writing saved your life.
It's amazing to me.
The interesting thing to me...
apart from the obvious sexual guilt...
that I had when I was a young man in the story...
is that nothing's changed.
It's years later.
I had a shrink then, I have a shrink now.
I'm 6 shrinks later.
I'm 3 wives down the line...
and I still can't get my love life in order.
I still love whores.
To me, the ideal thing is you pay them...
and they come over to the house...
and you don't have to discuss Proust or films or--
I don't know what's been happening to me.
You know, I just have not grown up...
and I feel, you know, it's not...
I see other guys my age.
I'm always thinking of fucking every woman I meet.
I meet a woman, a stranger, a woman on the bus...
I think, what would she look like naked?
Is it possible I can fuck her?
This is crazy.
I see guys I know that are lawyers and doctors.
They have families and houses.
They're not so...
Does the President of the United States...
want to fuck every woman he met.
Bad example.
But I don't know.
Take Raoul Wallenberg.
Did he want to bang every cocktail waitress in Europe?
Probably not, but...
Tell me about your honoring ceremony tomorrow.
Oh, that's bullshit.
It's ironic that the same school that threw me out years ago...
now wants to honor me.
Why'd they throw you out?
Because I was not interested in college.
I wanted to be a writer.
That's all I cared about was writing.
I did not care about the real world.
I cared only about the world of fiction.
And, plus, I tried to give the dean's wife an enema...
so they didn't take kindly to that.
But the sad thing is...
I gotta drive upstate to be honored...
and I have to go by myself.
I got nobody to go with.
It's, you know, I-- OK, so--
And-- You know, I can't--
What about bringing your son up with you?
It's not my visiting time with him.
And Joan is completely inflexible.
She won't trade dates with you?
I can't even get her on the phone.
She hates me.
I don't know. Lately...
For the first time in my life, I experienced writer's block.
This, to me, is unheard of.
I start these short stories, and I can't finish them.
I can't get into my novel at all...
because I took an advance.
I don't know.
I find that I'm taking more pills and medicine and...
You remind me of that short story...
you were working on maybe two months ago--
The Actor.
This goddamn lens has something wrong with it.
This one, too? I changed lenses.
The focus is off.
I don't know why.
It's out of focus.
All the lenses can't be soft.
Let's move it along.
It's getting late. Let's move it.
I'm trying to shoot Mel, and he's soft.
Where are you renting these lenses?
The lenses are fine.
Holy shit. Mel's out of focus.
That's what I said, genius.
I don't mean the lens. Mel himself.
Let me see.
You're right. Mel's out of focus.
What are you talking about?
The actor's out of focus.
How can this be?
Is there something wrong?
Mel, come here.
I don't know how to tell you this.
You're soft.
I've gained a little weight.
It's not that. You're soft.
You're out of focus.
I don't know why.
Is there anything we can do?
I can't adjust this.
Just look at yourself.
There's nothing to do.
You sure you're OK?
It's fuzzy.
I feel fine.
Mel's out of focus.
He's soft.
I don't know what to do.
It's almost 4:00 anyway.
Why don't we just wrap?
We'll wrap and see what happens.
I want you to go home and rest.
See if you can sharpen up.
Grace, I'm home.
Hey. What's the matter?
You look strange.
I'm out of focus.
Yeah, you are. Just a little bit.
And you look pale.
Daddy, you're all blurry.
Maybe you should lie down.
Daddy's out of focus!
Daddy doesn't need that, OK?
You be nice.
What happened at work?
Daddy's out of focus!
Rueben! Stop it!
They thought it was the camera. Then...it was me.
They sent me home. It's so humiliating.
Did you eat anything strange at lunch? Any shellfish?
This isn't an allergic reaction. I don't know what it is.
I just need to get a good night's sleep.
I'll be OK.
I'm sure that's all it is.
What happened to you?
You get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow you'll be fine.
The following morning, however, things did not improve.
In fact, the situation had gotten worse.
Mel was more out of focus than ever.
I gotta get to the doctor.
I've never seen anything like this.
Nothing's is wrong with you, except you're out of focus.
What's the matter?
It's from looking at Mel, I'm seasick.
That's why I want everyone to try these.
I don't want to wear glasses.
Wait. Let's see.
Put 'em on so you can see me, son.
This is much better.
You'll be able to see me.
Put those on. Daddy'll be sharper.
Don't you want to see Daddy?
Put those on, and we won't get headaches.
Despite the fact that children don't want to wear glasses...
they're forced to.
You expect the world to adjust to the distortion you've become.
I don't expect anything.
I'm going through something-- I don't know what.
For the first time in my life, I can't seem to write.
It's not coming.
And for me...
all I have in life is my imagination.
I'm sorry. Our time is up.
Have a good time at the honoring ceremony.
I think it would be good for you and your son...
if you brought him along.
Joan, you never return my phone calls.
Oh, leave me alone.
Do you want me to call the police?
I've got to ask you one question.
I don't want to listen to you.
Tomorrow they're honoring me at Adair, my old university.
I want to take Hilly.
He has school tomorrow.
I want to trade one visitation day.
I have plans with Hilly.
It'll be good to see.
The kid will see his father honored.
I don't want him to see you!
He'll have a day in the country. Will you stop for one second?
A day in the country. What is so bad?
He is nine years old.
Where does he learn phrases like "banging beaver" and "fuck God?"
What, from me?
What do I look like, an imbecile?
I know what your conversations are like with him...
and don't think I didn't hear about Open School Week.
Beth Kramer has never been so appalled in her entire life!
Dad, why doesn't my penis look like yours?
Why doesn't your penis look like mine?
Because your mother and I never had you circumcised.
When I was your age, every kid in my neighborhood--
you know what they used to do? They'd name their penises.
I'm going to name mine Dillinger.
Dillinger is perfect!
Dillinger is great!
Hilly, you're inspired. You're a genius.
Dillinger was one of the great geniuses of his profession.
Like Willy Sutton.
Remember when we discussed Freud once?
Freud said the 2 most important things to having a good life...
are the work that you choose and sex.
Those are the 2 things.
Women are God.
God's a woman?
I'm not saying God's a woman.
There are women.
We don't know if there's a God, but there are women...
not in some imaginary heaven, but right here on earth.
And some of them, Hilly, shop at Victoria's Secret.
Beth Kramer has never been so mortified in her life.
Beth Kramer's an aggressive, tight-assed, busybody cunt...
and it's none of her business how I speak to my son.
Beth Kramer is a decent parent and a great friend.
Oh, Bullshit.
I'm asking you to change one visitation day.
What is so terrible?
He is not gonna miss a day of school.
What if he was sick?
He would miss school.
But he is not sick...
and he's not gonna spend the afternoon...
with his pill-popping, alcoholic...
beaver-banging excuse for a father.
Years ago, you didn't say that about me.
You didn't think that.
You were a nice, loose, easygoing spirit.
Put it in a book!
What am I saying? You already did.
Epstein had married his third shrink.
He had confessed his feelings toward her several times...
and it seemed she had put it down to transference...
but one day, she surprised him.
I think it best...
that we terminate your treatment.
And then I think...
we should give it a substantial period of time...
and then if we both feel the same way...
I think we can begin to see each other again...
socially.
It was, to Epstein's thinking, a match made in heaven.
Here, at last, was a woman who understood him.
You know all my secrets, every nuance of my psychic life.
There isn't a feeling or desire that I haven't admitted to you.
Now it's your turn to explore me.
But all my perversions, you accept them.
My need to be tied up, to watch you with other women...
to feel your spike heels in my mouth.
No one can say that I didn't know...
what I was letting myself in for.
The first 2 years were amazing.
They moved into a large Westend Avenue apartment.
He wrote. She saw patients.
But her clearest insights were into his work.
What one comes away with...
is your total isolation, your fear of people...
your panic over closeness...
and that's why your real life is so chaotic...
and your writing is so much more controlled and stable.
You're unable to--
Yes, it all went quite well...
until Helen became pregnant and gave birth.
From that moment on...
as if she had experienced a divine revelation...
she suddenly became what Epstein referred to angrily...
as "Jewish with a vengeance."
I rue the day I listened to you and didn't have him circumcised.
What are you, nuts?
We can still do it.
No. He's too old.
What is wrong with you?
Now he's too old.
You're like a born-again Christian...
except you're a Jew.
I see my father's face in Hillel.
Hilliard.
His name is Hilliard.
We didn't name him Hillel.
We didn't name him after some rabbi.
It's Hilliard Epstein.
No, I'm sick of your smug cynicism.
There's value in tradition.
I never thought it would mean anything...
but now that I'm a mother, it does.
I see not only meaning in Judaism, but true beauty.
Helen, you're a scientist.
Einstein was a scientist...
and a he was a Jew, and he was religious.
Helen had taken on the obligation of daily prayers.
Jews, of course...
fearing a wrathful and vengeful God...
give praise and thanks for everything.
...blow job.
Then one day, the inevitable happened.
A patient of Helen's, an Israeli...
who had come to her in a depressed state...
over his wife having left him...
captured Helen's heart.
I think we should terminate your treatment...
and give it a substantial period of time...
and then if we both still feel the same way...
then I think we could start to see each other socially.
Richard.
...lost in thought.
I was thinking about a book I wrote.
-I'm a mess. -What's the matter?
I'm on my way to the doctor's.
I'm having severe pains in my chest.
That's nothing.
That's indigestion, gallbladder, ulcer, or acid reflux.
I've got a family history.
My father died of a heart attack...
my mother dropped dead of a massive coronary...
and both my brothers were dead before 50 from heart failure.
I don't know why you're wasting time.
You should get an ambulance.
-Are you busy? -I was gonna see my editor.
I hate going for these tests alone.
My mother died giving birth to me...
for which my father never forgave me.
Funny. I wish before he died I had forgiven him.
We're morbid, 'cause you think you're dying, but you're not.
Today, they got lasers, all kinds of things.
You and science, right?
There's nothing wrong with science.
Between air conditioning and the pope...
I'll take air conditioning.
I'm scared. Really scared.
Can we change the subject?
I have writer's block.
For the first time in my life...
I can't come up with a meaningful idea...
something that holds my interest.
Since Fay left you, you've been having trouble.
I'm seeing Fay later. I'm having a drink with Fay.
That's very good.
She's good for you.
She's a lot better...
than a lot of those other crazies that you--
Ow. My God, my arm.
I'm telling you, it's nothing.
I'm not scared.
You're in great shape.
You have a little bursitis in your arm, but...
Oh, that's fantastic.
What do I always say?
The most beautiful words in the English language...
are not "I love you, but "it's benign."
We could do more tests, but I don't think so.
-This is fantastic. -Your heart's in great shape.
While I'm here...
I hurt my back a few weeks ago, opening a subzero refrigerator.
Let me schedule you.
Let me buy you a cup of coffee.
I don't have time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I'm busy. Why?
I'm going to my old university. They're honoring me.
I'm looking for company to come with me.
I don't think I can get out of this thing, but that's great.
Congratulations.
So you look great.
Thank you. You look a little tired.
'Cause I'm struggling with this book.
Naturally, I spent the advance already.
I'm having a tough time.
The reason that I wanted to have this drink was--
Can I get a red wine, exact same thing that she has?
I wanted to be the first to tell you...
that I'm getting married.
Oh, don't say that.
-Why? -What do you mean, why?
Because I love you.
How can you get married?
Who? is it Larry?
Yes, it's Larry.
I knew that. I don't fucking believe this.
This guy's allegedly a friend of mine.
He's the devil.
I should never have introduced you.
When Larry's around, I smell burning sulfur.
Can we have your blessing? Can I have it?
You don't have my blessing.
I don't want you to get married.
I don't want you to.
I should go.
I was your pupil.
It was Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle.
That's what it was, and that's what you loved.
But it didn't work that way. What do you want me to say?
Why did you fall in love with me?
You gave me those lectures on love in the Western world.
I didn't think I could. I thought I was too damaged.
But it's not...
I woke up one morning...
and I looked at you over breakfast...
and I thought to myself, "God, this is what they mean.
"This is what they're talking about."
Those warnings about how I wasn't supposed...
to fall in love with you.
But then I fell in love with you.
...another jerk fan.
That I would fuck you and move on to the next fan.
But it didn't happen that way.
You were a fan and a follower...
and then a pupil, and then you were a roommate.
And before I knew it...
you were the one who had control of the channel changer.
I loved you.
I was in awe of you.
But I wasn't in love with you.
...to my old university.
They're honoring me, if you can believe that.
Give me a chance to talk you out of it.
Spend one day with me.
I'm getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow you're getting married?
The day I'm honored--
I can't fucking believe this.
You're getting married tomorrow?
Yes. It's been planned for months.
Don't do it!
While Goldberg was asleep one night...
the devil entered his apartment...
and abducted his beautiful blond love...
and carried her off to hell.
The following morning...
Goldberg noticed the odd smell of burning sulfur.
Harry Block?
You're Cookie?
Cookie Williams.
You wanted me here at 10:00?
Yeah. Jesus.
Shall we get to it?
You don't want to talk a little first?
Talk? Why?
Really? Most guys don't like to just jump right into bed...
without a little talking.
They think it's too businesslike.
Oh, not me.
...tie me up.
Whatever you want.
Let's get the monetary part out of the way.
Then we can relax.
Absolutely. You get 200?
That's right.
You want me to tie you up?
Tie me up, hit me a little bit, and give me a blow job.
A blow job, then hit you.
No. Hit me, then the blow job. I want to get the order right.
Otherwise, it's no fun.
Tie me up, hit me, blow job.
What do you want me to tie you with?
Well, truth is, I thought you were gonna wear stockings.
Cookie, you're a definite artist.
They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.
It took you a long time.
I didn't think you'd make it.
I was having a problem focusing.
Finally, I got the right fantasy.
I thought of a woman I saw on Sixth Avenue today...
and I coupled her with Svetlana Stalin.
It's the daughter of the dictator.
It worked for me.
What do you take medicine for?
Me? Depression.
What are you depressed about?
Depressed. Don't you ever get depressed?
Doesn't your work ever get you down?
It's OK. Beats the hell out of waitressing.
Every hooker I ever speak to tells me it beats waitressing.
Waitressing's got to be the worst job in the world.
It's unbelievable.
What are you sad about?
I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.
What do you mean?
I'm frightened.
I got no soul. You know what I mean?
Let me put it this way.
When I was younger...
it was less scary waiting for Lefty...
than it is waiting for Godot.
Aw, you lost me.
You know that the universe is coming apart?
You know what a black hole is?
Yeah. That's how I make my living.
You know, I gotta tell you, Cookie....
a great writer named Sophocles...
said that it was probably best not to be born at all.
Honey, it's a little too late for that.
I fought it.
I didn't want out. They had to come and get me.
You want another blow job?
How come?
It's on the house. No charge.
'Cause them pills you taking sure ain't working.
I'm just in a peculiar mood tonight...
'cause I had some bad news today.
Let me ask you a question. What are you doing tomorrow?
Hustlin'.
Why don't you come with me?
Where?
I'm going up to my old school 'cause they're gonna honor me.
I got nobody to share it with.
I'm serious. Come with me.
I'll give you 500 bucks for the day.
Sleep here tonight, come up with me tomorrow.
How come you got all this money?
I always keep hooker money around...
'cause I once paid by check years ago...
and the IRS killed me.
Fay, when you get this message, if it's not too late...
I don't want you to get married...
because I love you, and I want to marry you.
You...
I was looking at my last book...
the part where we met...
and I tried to exaggerate it to make it funny...
but it was actually very romantic.
She can't hear.
I'm in town to see Les Mis.
I have a free hour.
I don't know if I can.
I got our usual place at the Wyndham.
It's been almost two weeks.
We'll have to make it fast.
I can't make it believable for so long.
You'll be back in an hour.
I have to be done by then anyway.
Think I'll take a walk.
Now?
'Cause I thought that I would just...
just to get some fresh air.
Excuse me.
Are you Harry Block?
Your writing has been so meaningful to me.
Thank you very much.
Can't believe I'm in the elevator with you.
It's no big deal.
Are you staying here?
I'm meeting someone.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
It's stuck again.
If this was one of my stories...
this elevator would get stuck between floors...
and the two of us would start a major affair and fall in love.
Promise me you won't fall in love with me.
Definitely not. Not a good idea.
Why?
Because I'm too screwed up.
I have too many quirks.
I have trouble being faithful.
I have too many phobias and craziness.
But I fell in love with you before I met you...
when I read you.
But you fell in love with my work.
That's a different thing.
I love your work, your imagination.
But this is not a book.
You know what I mean?
We're not characters in a fictional thing.
So don't fall in love.
Kiss me.
Promise you won't fall in love with me.
I promise.
The subway took forever. I'm sorry.
You said you weren't coming.
We said 10:00.
I'm sure that's what we said.
I called you last night.
When did you call me?
I called you at 9:30 last night.
You were writing--
We spoke on the phone?
Of course.
My mind has been playing tricks.
This is Cookie. This is Richard.
How are you?
What's so special about this honor?
The man is being honored by the school that expelled him.
If only Hilly could see me-- he'd be so proud.
I know, and it's sad...
but short of kidnapping, he ain't coming.
-This is ridiculous. -Don't worry.
You're going to get in trouble.
Come on, boys.
Dad? What is it?
We're not going to school today.
What are you doing? Stop it!
It's an emergency.
What are you doing? Come on.
You! Stop it!
You can't do this!
Get out of the car!
Somebody stop this man!
He's a deviant!
Somebody stop him ! Somebody call the police!
When the red, red robin...
comes bob, bob, bobbin' along.
-Go faster.
There'll be no more sobbin' when he starts throbbin' his...
old sweet song.
Wake up, wake up, you sleepyhead.
Get up, get up, get out of bed.
Cheer up, cheer up, the sun is red.
Live, love, laugh, and be happy.
It's fabulous here.
It's beautiful. I love it.
A Ferris wheel.
Look at the swings.
Want to go?
Very good.
High-five.
I am going to smoke this joint. Want some?
I can't stand that stuff.
See that place there?
That Red Apple Rest?
Years ago, my then-wife Jane and I...
were coming from Connecticut-- her sister's house--
and we had this awful fight.
She was having her period.
We stopped there to get water for her Midol.
I don't want a child.
Don't bring it up, especially in front of my parents.
I don't understand you.
We've discussed it.
-Don't I get a vote? -You have a child.
Who I never get to see.
That's not my fault.
I like being a father.
I chose a different life than Lucy.
You knew that.
You're dedicated to work.
That means we can't have children.
Since when are you a family man?
Don't think I don't see you staring at Lucy.
What?
Don't play ignorant.
You watch her walk, sit.
You can't keep your eyes off her toes.
Are you nuts?
What are you suggesting?
I wouldn't put it past you...
if you weren't dying to have a thing with her.
She's a neurotic, suburban hausfrau.
I have no interest in her.
Your level of denial is intense.
You're suffering from a premenstrual nuclear meltdown.
You want a hit?
That smoke is killing me.
I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll catch you later.
Cold fish, your third ex-wife.
She never would have made a good mother.
Who are you?
It's me--Ken.
Look at this guy.
You created me. Now you don't recognize me?
I'm a little high because of her smoke.
How'd you hook up with Jane?
Jane was fine.
Jane was having her period, so she was irritable.
It wasn't just her period.
She was a cold, selfish woman.
She's so self-involved...
she doesn't realize her sister hates her.
How do you know so much?
I'm just you, thinly disguised.
You gave me more maturity and a different name.
What are you saying? That I know this?
Of course you do. That's why you picked her...
so it wouldn't work--
so you'd never have to give up sport-fucking...
and chronic dissatisfaction and grow up.
I'm not going to get lectured by my own creation.
You can't fool me.
I'm not like your shrink.
He only knows what you tell him. I know the truth.
Her sister Lucy-- another head case.
You sure can pick 'em.
Even she was better than Jane...
more maternal, and she loved you.
You weren't there the day your bomb dropped...
but take a look.
He left me.
Our marriage is finished.
I'm so sorry.
Are you shocked?
Yes and no.
Things have not been good for some time.
I knew he played around.
You never mentioned that.
I don't like to discuss my private life.
I suspected Lynn, his editor.
Then I thought it might be Allison Davis, our friend.
I even thought he might have a crush on you.
Me?
You're very beautiful.
We've spent a lot of time together.
You two get along well.
Obviously, I knew you never would in a million years...
but I imagined he longed for you.
I think I even heard him mention your name in his sleep.
My goodness.
That's absurd.
Really.
You're all red.
Are you OK?
Since we're talking openly...
I have a confession.
Life takes strange twists and turns.
It overwhelms us.
We're not responsible for our feelings.
Everybody's feelings are irrational.
But to hear from your husband that he found another woman...
He said that?
He said his future is all mapped out.
I'm going to be frank with you. Just try and hang on--
I'm being replaced.
But it doesn't have to be a nightmare...
if we're all just mature about it.
Replaced by a 25-year-old.
Excuse me?
A 25-year-old-- a wannabe writer.
Fay Sexton is her sexy name.
What's the matter? Now you're white.
Have you eaten anything today?
Have a drink.
Finish that.
Hard to believe him when he's a liar.
I'm weak.
What's wrong?
You'd think he dumped you.
I know you feel bad for me, but I can handle it.
-Air! -I'm in shock today, but--
I want to speak to Fay.
It's Harry Block. I've been trying to reach her.
This is an emergency.
I've got to talk--
Tell her to call me back.
It's the car number.
The car.
Give up. She's in love with someone else.
This guy is too old for her.
He's younger than you.
I'm much too old for her. It's ridiculous.
Because of my immaturity, I have a boyish quality that works.
Is it much longer?
We were just at the fair.
You walked, ate.
How much longer is it?
It won't be long.
My sister lives 10 minutes from here.
We'll surprise her. It'll be fun.
You can eat, walk around--
She's your half-sister.
But it'll still be 10 minutes...
not five, just because she's a half-sister.
It's wonderful.
It is so funny.
-Do you think so? -And it's sad.
I really loved it.
You're so great, so kind.
You have such a sweet, kind instinct.
Don't do that.
I count on you to be critical, to be tough.
You're too easy on me.
What was wrong with the story?
It had no energy.
I became discouraged with it.
It doesn't release any power.
It came to nothing.
I thought it was touching.
You knew when the boy grew up he would never love.
It was beautiful.
Your problem is you love too easily, too much.
I think you're beautiful and great and too kind to me...
and lovely.
But you're not in love with me.
I told you not to fall in love with me, and I meant that.
I still have not been able to figure out why.
Because l'm the boy in that story.
I can't love.
I don't want you to get into anything.
You love Hilly.
What?
Because Hilly's my son.
It's easy to love a little kid.
You love music.
You love baseball.
Baseball's also easy, because it has rules.
It has foul lines.
Women are complicated.
Happy birthday.
You're kidding.
Open it up.
You didn't have to get anything.
It's probably another sweater.
A baseball signed by the 1951 Giants.
That's so great. The '51 Giants were...
Bobby Thompson.
The one genuine miracle of my lifetime.
When he hit that home run...
that was the only hint that there may be a God.
What made you think of that?
It was easy.
You're the greatest.
It's your birthday today, so you get any wish you want.
Anything at all that would make your day special.
You are the greatest.
I don't deserve you.
You're too...
We were driving.
We thought we'd stop in to see you.
This is Richard and Cookie.
I'm your Aunt Doris.
Remember your Uncle Burt?
Would you like a cookie or something like that?
Come in the kitchen here.
I got to go to the bathroom. Where's the john?
You just go right through there.
Over there?
I thought we'd drop in.
You're the last person I ever expected to see.
Don't say that, Doris.
What's with Cookie?
Cookie's the nanny.
Where did you get her from, an agency or a massage parlor?
She's sweet. What are you picking on--
Still with the sexpots, the tramps, the vihlde chayes.
She's got a Ph.D.
I don't know how she did on her written...
but I'm sure she got an A-plus on her oral.
Give me a break.
I'm driving upstate.
I take the time to say hello.
Can you believe they're honoring me at Adair?
I can't believe it.
Not that I care, but it's great for Hilly to see me.
The last time I saw him, he was six years old.
You don't exactly contact me, either.
I know what you think of me.
Don't start in.
Am I wrong? It's all over your book--
"Jewish," "too Jewish," "professionally Jewish."
You attributed it all to your ex-wife Joan...
but you gave her the details of my life...
because you wanted to depict her with contempt.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You don't know?
You made a picture of your ex as a horror.
In order to make that picture unsympathetic--
you used some of her--
but mostly, you caricatured my religious dedication.
Because it enraged you that I returned to my roots.
What roots? You were a wonderful, sweet kid.
You got me through my childhood.
Then you go away to Fort Lauderdale...
and you meet this fanatic-- this zealot.
He fills you full of superstition.
It's tradition.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
You have no values.
Your whole life, it's nihilism, cynicism...
sarcasm, and orgasm.
In France, I could run on that slogan and win.
I'm a Jew. I was born a Jew.
Do you hate me because of that?
If our parents converted to Catholicism...
a month before you were born, we'd be Catholics.
They're clubs. They're exclusionary.
They foster the concept of the other...
so you know clearly who you should hate.
That's enough.
If a Jew gets massacred...
does that bother you more than if a gentile gets hurt...
or a black or a Bosnian?
It does.
I can't help it. It's my people.
They're all your people.
Burt is right about you.
You're a self-hating Jew.
I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.
He says he's not a self-hating Jew...
and look how he talks about them in his stories.
Max and Dolly Pincus were married for 30 years.
They raised two children...
and there was never a family wedding or bar mitzvah...
where they were not generous participants.
Max, how are you?
Yossel, mazel tov.
For Donald.
Thank you.
Dolly, you got a private minute?
Sure.
We are leaving in a few minutes.
I don't know if I should tell you.
Tell me what?
Tell me, and I will tell you if you should tell me.
My heart is heavy.
What happened?
Nothing terrible happened to your husband Phil, did it?
He has been dead for so many years.
When I was in Florida last week...
I ran into a man...
who heard from someone who knew someone.
Anyway, it seems Max has some secret from his past.
You're talking about my Max?
A dark secret.
-What kind of a dark secret? -Dark.
What is by you dark?
I don't know.
What kind of a dark secret?
We have been married for 30 years.
You're his first wife?
Sure.
Before me, he worked for--
All right.
What?
You heard something different?
I heard only a dark secret.
Do I know what dark secret?
Who told you?
Wolf Fishbein.
Be careful.
That's all I want to say.
Dolly tried putting Elsie's words out of her mind...
but Max's dark secret plagued her.
Then one day, she ran into Wolf Fishbein...
and the truth was revealed.
Try to breathe deeply.
You were right.
Fishbein told me a tale.
Max, before I met him, he lived in Florida.
He had a store--groceries.
He was married.
Now it comes out.
To a woman with two children.
Max had other children?
The woman's children, from a prior marriage.
He began an affair with the downstairs neighbor--
a widow.
He probably had all his hair then.
Meanwhile, he got into debt deeper and deeper...
and carry on with the neighbor.
My heart.
He can't get himself out of a predicament.
What does he do?
He stole money.
I should be so lucky.
He killed his wife.
The man purchased an ax.
With an ax?
You know Max.
He's nothing with tools.
He can't even hang a picture.
I'm dropping dead.
Plus her children.
Plus a neighbor.
Four people he killed one night with an ax.
Your Max?
This is not the capper.
There's more?
More.
What more?
He ate them.
Are you talking crazy?
He devoured them.
I can't breathe.
Everything is closing in.
Whatever you do, first, hear Max's side.
Max has a side?
He kills his family and eats them up.
The man has a side?
He was a good husband and a loving father for 30 years.
You have a daughter who went to college.
You have a son who's a writer.
Maybe the best course of action is let sleeping dogs lie.
Honey, would you pass the sour cream?
You haven't touched a thing.
Nice weather!
It's OK.
It's not just OK.
It's nice!
All right, all right.
What are you getting so steamed up about?
What makes you such an authority on the weather?
Me?
All I said...
I know, I know. I know what you said.
The fish is delicious.
Wouldn't you rather have meat?
Since when do I eat meat?
Mm-hmm.
With my arteries, you gotta watch out for cholesterol.
Uh-huh.
What is the "uh-huh"?
I mean, you've been very touchy lately.
Don't interrogate me...
Mr. Max Pinchuck!
Where did you hear that name?
Did you kill your first wife with an ax?
I got a headache.
Did you chop her up along with your mistress?
If I tell you why I did it, do you promise not to nudge me?
Wolf Fishbein said in order to hide the bodies...
you ate them !
So what are you making a fuss?
Some bury, some burn.
I ate.
Enough!
I remember Max Pincus' Dark Secret.
That is a disgraceful story.
You don't see your sick view of our parents?
I wrote it when I was younger.
The first of a number of anti-Semitic pieces.
Here he is, direct from the Wailing Wall.
Disrespectful, shameful.
Jews haven't suffered enough...
without being depicted by him as homicidal cannibals.
He has no spiritual center.
He's betting everything on physics and pussy!
Excuse the expression.
Wait till he gets cancer.
He'll be the first one in synagogue...
in the front row in a yarmulke.
Why should I get cancer? I eat broccoli.
Do you care even about the holocaust...
or do you think it never happened?
Not only do I know that we lost six million...
but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.
I know what's out there. Do you have any idea?
He creates offensive Jewish stereotypes...
Like in Der Sturmer.
Max is a version of Daddy-- a man you hated...
a man you think was guilty of being a terrible parent.
He was a terrible parent.
Thank you for dropping by.
Please come again in another four years.
Look, wouldn't it be a better world...
if not every group thought they had a direct line to God?
He thinks I'm all Jewish paranoia.
No, I don't think you're paranoid.
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
You go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
What's the matter?
You son of a bitch!
What's wrong?
You sick, sick, sick...
sick fucking bastard!
What's wrong?
What do you think is wrong?
You've been having an affair with one of my patients.
Who?
Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
Don't speak!
I just talked to her. She told me the whole thing.
Who? Who?
Mrs. Pollack. Amy Pollack.
Can I explain something?
You know Amy Pollack?
Don't explain anything, you little fucking asshole!
Will you calm down?
Don't you tell me to calm down!
-What's wrong? -What is wrong?
I treat this woman and she exits...
and you meet her and you fuck her!
Supposing I told you that my fucking Amy Pollack...
was a disguised plea for more closeness with you?
Then I'd say you are a mental case.
This is you with your first wife.
You're crazy.
You were claiming you loved her, couldn't live without her...
all the while you're having affair after affair.
My first wife, I told you, I was laying in bed with her...
I turned off her because the way the light struck her.
Suddenly she looked to me like Max Schmeling.
What do you want me to say?
Not that she wasn't pretty, but she looked like Schmeling.
I couldn't get an erection.
Stop this tap-dancing! This is bullshit!
It's not bullshit.
With you, it's different. You turned off me.
Ever since Hilly was born.
We've been living like siblings. It's been platonic.
Don't play "blame the victim"!
What are you talking about?
I'm as much a victim as you.
You think that getting a blow job...
from a big-bosomed 26-year-old is a pleasurable thing for me?
You're making me sick!
I can't believe this is happening.
You're overreacting.
I'm not overreacting!
Are you trying to tell me...
that every week for the last four months...
you've been with her in the hotel?
Oh, that's so crazy. No, of course not!
I rented an apartment.
I'm gonna kill you!
Hello, doctor. I'm sorry I'm late.
Mr. Farber.
Take off your coat. Come in.
I've been...
I've been losing sleep at night.
I can't shut my eyes at night.
I think I should quit my job...
but I can't bring myself to do it.
Maybe because my brother-in-law treats me kindly.
But working for him...
is taking its toll on me emotionally.
Could you excuse me, Mr. Farber?
What?
You fucked-up fuck!
I can't believe you fucking did this!
You fucking asshole!
You fucked my patient?
Harry, you don't fuck somebody's patient!
Fuck you!
Continue, Mr. Farber.
You lost your thread?
You were talking about quitting your job.
Oh. Right.
I discussed it with my wife.
While she seems on the surface to be supportive...
I know she'd rather I stay on.
She idolizes Gordon.
I mean, all the time...
that's all she does is spend time with him anyway.
Listen, could you excuse me just one more second?
Again?
Just continue. I can hear you from the hallway. Loudly.
I want you to get out of here.
I want you to get your goddamn stuff together...
and I want you out.
You know, I cannot understand...
why the most sophisticated of women...
can't tell the difference...
between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair...
and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.
Harry, just tell me something.
Was she the only one, or were there others?
No, Amy Pollack was the only one.
May God strike me dead if I'm lying.
You're an atheist, Harry!
We're alone in the universe. Gonna blame that on me, too?
-Stop that tap-dancing! -Stop that!
You know, you turned off me first.
Oh, please!
No, I gave birth.
When women give birth, there is a time period...
when their hormones just sort of go crazy.
But they settle.
OK, so you're telling me that you're settling.
-I accept that. -You accept that?
Oh, Harry, you are so fucking nuts!
Take it easy.
Harry, if you're not happy in a marriage, you don't cheat.
And with my patient?
That is a sacred trust. My patient.
What do you want? Who else do I meet?
I'm here, working in the room, we have the baby...
you're out there practicing, we never socialize.
So now you're blaming me...
because I don't go out with you enough places...
where you can meet strangers to fuck?
I was merely explaining to you why my choice, of necessity...
is confined to your practice.
I knew you were mentally ill before I married you...
but I thought because I was a trained professional...
that I could help you.
The last thing you wanna do...
is get down on yourself as a therapist.
I want you to get your shit and get your goddamn clothes...
and I want you to get the fuck out of here!
You are the most fucking irresponsible person...
I've ever seen in my entire life!
And get out!
Continue, Mr. Farber.
Doctor...
And I mean tonight, motherfucker!
Dad, my Pepsi.
So you got even with your ex-wife...
and with your sister, and I was born?
Born? What are you saying?
From your pen. From your fertile imagination.
And I mean imagination.
I wasn't trying to get even with Joan.
You created me as the shrewish Jewish hybrid...
who goes off with another patient...
an orthodox divorcee from Tel Aviv.
My sister never should have married Burt.
This guy's turned her into a zealot.
She loves you.
It wasn't her fault your father persecuted you.
She was fine till she wound up with him--
this right-wing hawk that she's married.
Listen to him.
So she disappointed you in her choice of husbands?
Well, fuck you. She loves Burt.
She was a wonderful kid. She had a flair for physics.
Suddenly overnight, she's kosher.
She loves you still...
despite your obvious condescension towards her life.
Does she love me?
Would you like to hear what she says about you?
He's not so bad, Burt.
He really was a very good brother.
Just my father never forgave him when his wife died.
The man is not a Jewish man.
He's not a Jewish man. That's all.
All right. Poor Harry.
He was always lost.
He could just never accept the fact...
that there are things you can't know.
The man is incapable of an act of faith.
For that, I pity him.
I would like to hug him again like when we were kids.
And if I was upset, he was a comfort to me.
What happens to us?
Doris...
She can't hear you.
And as for Joan...
Joan? Joan hates me.
Well, shouldn't she?
Why should she hate me, because I was unfaithful to her?
No, because when she caught you, you weren't a man.
You turned into this double-talking...
wise-cracking, tap-dancing liar.
If she had not become so enraged...
maybe we could've patched things up.
Listen to this guy. Deluded.
Maybe it tapered a bit after Hilly was born...
but you two had sex pretty regularly.
I have no idea why I took up with that patient.
She was available, she was adorable.
And my marriage was droning on.
What you call "droning on," most people call "working."
If that's working, then marriage is not for me.
Well, it's not for everyone.
But then I get lonely.
Hey, what do you want me to say?
She gave me Hilly...
and for that I'm eternally grateful...
'cause I love him so much.
You can have any one you want here.
Can I get two?
You can get two.
Tell you what, you get any three presents.
Go through the store and pick any three presents, OK?
Yeah.
Look what I found.
Hey.
This is the chemistry set you always wanted.
Look at that. It's perfect.
No, no. Don't open it here.
Let me buy it first, OK? So I don't get into--
How you doing?
Larry, what are you doing here?
Buying my nephew a Power Ranger.
When did you get back?
A couple of days ago.
Hey, Fay.
Meet Larry. I told you about Larry.
Oh, yeah. It's nice to meet you.
Old friend, colleague, peer.
Right.
So you got back when?
Two days ago. I took a boat down the Amazon.
Really? God, that sounds exciting.
Yes, if you don't mind malaria and dysentery.
Butterflies the size of doves.
Never seen anything like it before.
I can live without that, however.
It was astounding.
It sounds it.
So you got back two days ago?
We go back a long way.
We both started out wanting to be Kafka...
and you got slightly closer than me.
Yeah, I became the insect and he...
Good. I'm amazed.
We should go out.
Why don't you come to my house in East Hampton for a weekend?
It will be great fun.
Well, let's not get hysterical.
No, I'd love to. It would be fun.
Oh, it's beautiful out there.
It's sand in the crotch. It's ticks.
To get this guy to leave his room...
He's never had a tan.
I've always wanted to learn how to snorkel.
Oh, it's great there.
Where he lives there are sharks.
You see those photographs...
of guys with stumps for legs and arms?
Am I lying?
Yes, you are. It's fabulous.
Let me buy dinner. We'll talk.
No, we'll buy dinner.
I'd love to tell you about the Amazon.
It changed my life.
It sounds amazing.
Gonna write a novel. I'll tell you.
I'm not into the Amazon. You know what the Amazon is?
The Amazon is the tiny, little heads...
with the lips sewn together.
Can you picture him this way?
That's great. We'll go to dinner tonight.
-Yeah, great. -That'd be great.
Great. I'm single, available, with the soul of a black man.
Do you smell sulfur?
Hilly, did you open the chemistry set?
Hey, look. We're almost there.
Hilly. Hilly, wake up. We're almost--
Hilly, wake up. We're almost at the university.
Your dad's gonna be honored...
limited as my curriculum was.
Richard, we're there.
Hey, honey. Wake up.
Something's wrong.
What's the matter?
I don't think he's breathing.
He's dead!
I can't believe this.
We were at the doctor's yesterday.
They said his heart was fine.
I'm scared.
There's nothing to be scared of, Hilly.
I'm fine, dad.
Remember I told you death is a natural part of life?
You have to embrace them both.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know. Get back in the car.
I don't wanna sit next to him !
Welcome to Adair University.
We certainly hope you had a pleasant trip.
Would you like to rest up?
Would you like some refreshments, perhaps?
Is he all right?
He's dead, honey. You got one of them rubber bags?
We've made arrangements...
for the body to be delivered to New York City.
I don't think he has any immediate family, actually.
If you prefer, we can call off the proceedings.
I think that's the best idea.
He'll be all right. He's here for a purpose.
You know, I...
I'll see that...
that he's, you know...
that the funeral comes off and all that.
I'll see that he's buried properly.
I understand.
Poor Richard. Oh, Jesus. The poor guy!
I'm not gonna make it. I can't go on.
Not if you keep drinking and popping pills.
Oh, Jesus. I can't believe this.
My old school wants to honor me...
I show up with a hooker and a dead body.
Take it easy.
You're getting yourself all wound up about nothing.
-Cookie, look at me! -What?
Look! Look! I'm out of focus!
You're a little pale, but you're all right.
I'm out of focus. I'm soft.
You better calm down. They'll be here any minute.
No, no. It's so humiliating.
They're gonna honor me, and I'm a blob.
You look fine. Don't worry.
I'll be sitting on the dais. They're eating.
They'll get seasick. They'll throw up.
Hold my hand. Now relax.
You drive all the way here so your son can see you honored...
and you make a jackass out of yourself.
But don't you see? I'm a huge blur.
You're gonna be all right. I'm gonna talk you down.
I have seen all kinds of guys O.D.
Heroin, acid, crack. You name it.
I didn't take any of that stuff.
Yeah, but you're a pill-popper.
That's not what it is, Cookie. It's me.
I'm O.D.ing on myself. It's that I'm a shit.
Have some black coffee.
I don't want anything.
Talk to me about something. You like sports?
Yeah. I was a pitcher.
When a guy crowded the plate, I used to throw at his head,
'cause I'm the worst person in the world.
Honey, I've seen worse.
Who's worse than me?
Hitler.
All right. Maybe Hitler.
Maybe Hitler, Goering, and Goebbels,
but I'm fourth, right behind them.
Come on, hold my hand.
Can you feel my hand?
Yes, it's warm.
See? It's just panic.
You're not a blob.
I know. I'm gonna get over this.
I'm having a panic attack. I have these attacks.
What sports do you like?
I like them all.
I like baseball. I like basketball.
I was married to a woman, Cookie, who--
she looked like Max Schmeling.
No, I'm not joking.
All right, it's time.
I can't get through this without you.
Don't worry about it. Don't worry.
If you didn't come with me today...
Don't worry about it. Straighten up.
I gotta get a tie. I gotta get my tie.
All right. Let's go.
Are you ready to be immortalized by Adair?
I teach your books.
These are some of my literature students.
We all know all your work, your characters...
even the obscure ones.
Good reading is a creative act.
So are you working on anything now?
Something we can look forward to sinking our teeth into?
I'm in the midst of writing a thing on the devil...
who comes and kidnaps a man's one true love...
and takes her down to hell, and he goes to retrieve her.
Since it's hell, I'm able to settle a lot of old scores.
What's the man like?
It's me, thinly disguised.
In fact, I don't even think I should disguise it anymore.
It's, you know, it's me.
Floor five: subway muggers, aggressive panhandlers...
and book critics.
Floor six: Right-wing extremists, serial killers...
lawyers who appear on television.
Floor seven: the media.
Sorry. That floor is all filled up.
Floor eight: escaped war criminals...
TV evangelists, and the NRA.
Lowest level. Everybody off.
What did you do?
I invented aluminum siding.
Dad.
Get me out of here! This is terrible!
You know how I could never stand hot weather.
What is this man doing here?
He's condemned to eternal suffering.
Harry, help me.
I don't understand. I demand to know the charges.
"He behaved unconscionably toward his son...
"accused the boy of committing a capital crime...
"merely by being born."
"Your wife, they told me, is dead...
"but your son, he's thriving."
Why did he fight not to be born?
Look, I forgive him.
What's over is over.
It's finished. Let him go to heaven, please?
I'm a Jew. We don't believe in heaven.
Where do you wanna go?
To a Chinese restaurant.
Take him to Joy Luck.
I love him despite everything.
Looking for someone?
I'm here to get Fay.
She's not coming with you.
What are you telling me?
Because you're the head of this whole underworld...
that you can just abduct her and get away with it?
I'm gonna kidnap her back. What are you laughing?
You dare to match your powers against mine?
You wanna know why?
Yeah, I do.
I'm sorry. Forgive me for laughing.
Why?
I'm more powerful than you because I'm a bigger sinner.
Because you're a fallen angel, and I never believed in God...
or heaven or any of that stuff.
I'm strictly quarks and particles and black holes.
All the other stuff is junk to me.
And also I do terrible things.
I've cheated on all my wives, and none of 'em deserved it.
I sleep with whores, I drink too much...
I take pills and I lie and I'm vain...
I'm cowardly and prone to violence.
Violence?
I once almost ran over a book critic with my car...
but swerved at the last second.
Did you ever have two women at once?
Yes, I did have two women at once.
And I'll tell you something else.
I didn't care that it was exploitive.
And I'll tell you something else.
-They were sisters. -Really?
Yes. Absolutely. Two blond WASP sisters.
Not the Sherman twins?
Yes, the Sherman twins. Exactly.
They're here.
-The Sherman twins are here? -Sure.
So, do you know Sandra Pepkin?
Only the best blow job in the hadasa.
So if you know Sandra Pepkin...
I fucked her best friend, the cripple, Pearl.
Oh, Pearl in the wheelchair.
Speaking of handicaps, do you know Marie Taylor?
Well, yes, but Marie Taylor I don't count.
Marie Taylor's dyslexic.
She put her tampax in her nose.
You ever fuck a blind girl?
No, that I never did. Did you?
They're so grateful.
Would you like a drink?
Could I get some tequila?
I got great tequila.
Sit down. Make yourself at home.
You want me to turn on the air conditioner?
You're air conditioned here?
Sure. It fucks up the ozone layer.
I could be very comfortable down here.
I'll tell you something, Harry.
I love it. I love it here.
I wouldn't be anyplace else.
Here you go.
You know, I've been offered a lot of jobs in your world...
but why should I be an employee?
Here I'm my own boss, and I'm free.
What kind of jobs did they offer you?
For two years, I ran a Hollywood studio...
but you can't trust those people.
I agree with you.
Better to rule down here than to serve in heaven.
That's Milton, I think.
To evil. It keeps things humming.
Oh, jeez. So you kidnapped Fay?
Yes, I did.
But some women are turned on...
by aggressive, assertive behavior.
Yeah, so if I suddenly kidnapped her back?
You kidnap? It's not your style.
You're not a fun guy. Too serious.
Fay knew that. You're too angry at life.
-I got a lot to be angry at. -Who doesn't?
But sooner or later, Harry, you gotta back off.
It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down...
but in the end, the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
Now, one thing you are not is a kidnapper.
Kidnapper!
Listen to me!
Get out of my way!
Can't you see you're walking with a fucking kidnapper?
You'll have to come with me, sir.
You're under arrest. I gotta put the cuffs on you.
You stay over there.
How can I kidnap my own son?
Hey, we got drugs in the bag.
Let me go, bitch! Just let me go!
Get off of me, bitch!
Can't I be honored and then arrested?
No, we can't do that. I'm sorry.
Kidnapping?
Prostitute in your car in possession of marijuana.
Possession of an unlicensed firearm.
I told you already about the firearm.
There was a crazy woman on my roof shooting at me.
I got the gun away from her, I put it in my car.
I was gonna hand it in.
I gotta make another phone call.
You made your call.
Yeah, I know, but that didn't count.
That was to my girlfriend's answering service.
I'm trying to keep her from getting married.
You also called your sister.
My sister wasn't in.
You called your lawyer.
My lawyer was at Canyon Ranch.
I can never get my lawyer.
Can I give you some advice?
You're in deep shit.
This time, I think you've really had it.
Hey, it was your idea to kidnap Hilly.
It was my idea? It wasn't my idea.
I made a joke.
You don't have to act out on every impulse.
You've got to tell me the truth.
Is it better being dead?
No, it's not really, but there's one good thing.
You don't get called for jury duty...
but then you have no options.
It's not for you.
Jesus. I'm no good at life.
No, but you write well.
I write well, but that's a different story...
because I can manipulate the characters and plots.
You create your own universe...
but that's much nicer than the world we have.
But I can't function in the world we have.
I'm a failure at life.
I think you bring pleasure to a lot of people.
But even that's drying up.
For the last months...
I haven't been able to come up with a meaningful idea to write.
Make peace with your demons and your block will pass.
Jesus, it sounds so trite, but I just want to be happy.
To be alive is to be happy.
Take it from me.
Hey, Block. Come on.
Some people just put up your bail.
This way.
You?
We got the message on our service.
Came right from our wedding.
You did?
We're on our way to our honeymoon.
-You got married? -You have to ask?
I can't believe it.
In the end, you chose him over me?
I can't fathom this.
You're gonna insult me after we ran from the altar...
to keep you from rotting in prison?
I know you get claustrophobic.
Plus you're the perfect punk.
You'll get buggered by every con in the cell block.
You're the guy that should be in there...
because you stole her from under my nose.
Harry, he did not steal me. I love him.
I can't fathom this.
I appreciate your coming, but I can't--
Why? Why not me?
You told me I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you.
How could you listen to me? You know how crazy I am.
Well, you were my mentor, that's why.
But you were sleeping with your mentor.
So? I've slept with my gynecologist.
What has that got to do with anything?
You're gonna snorkel down the Amazon with him...
when you could have me?
I will never be the writer you are.
You put your art into your work.
I put it into my life.
I can make her happier.
I love you.
I do. It's just that I'm in love with Larry.
I'm his wife.
I love you, too, Harry. Give us your blessing...
so that we can go and enjoy our honeymoon.
We'll be in Santa Fe about a month...
and when we come back, we'll all go out. We're friends.
This is where you're going on your honeymoon?
He's taking you to the desert?
Sand? The desert is cactus.
It's gila monsters...
whatever you call them, lizards, is the desert.
Harry, give us your blessing, please?
Give 'em your blessings...
before I throw you back in that fucking jail cell...
and I bugger you.
I don't know what to say. I love you.
This guy I've loved...
I give up. I give up.
We'll get you home, all right?
Santa Fe, you're gonna take her?
Tacos.
Harry, what about the honoring ceremony?
We haven't had the ceremony.
The police interrupted.
What, am I dreaming?
Everybody dreams.
Come on.
Professor Clark has everything planned.
Can I bring Hilly?
Well, it's your dream.
Stebbins Hall?
Everyone is waiting to honor you.
After all, you created them.
I love all of you.
Really, you've given me...
some of the happiest moments of my life...
and you've even saved my life at times.
And now you've actually taught me things...
and I'm completely grateful--
I think the author's message is to know yourself...
stop kidding yourself, accept your limitations...
and get on with your life.
It's amazing.
To me, it's a really interesting character--
a guy who can't function well in life...
but can only function in art.
It's sort of sad in a way and also funny.
But your books all seem a little sad on the surface...
which is why I like deconstructing them...
because underneath they're really happy.
It's just that you don't know it.
I feel like I'm in a dream.
This, for me, is the best dream I've had in months.
The happiest dream--
Oh, I like it.
I like it.
A character who's too neurotic to function in life...
who can only function in art.
Notes for a novel.
Opening possibility:
Rifken led a fragmented, disjointed existence.
He had long ago come to this conclusion...
all people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
Only his writing was calm.
His writing, which had in more ways than one...
saved his life.