"You want to build a rocket
"and send a man into outer space,
"don't come to me.
"If you're looking for someone
"to perform a delicate brain operation,
"I'm not your man.
"But if you have any questions
"regarding the quality of a fine pair of pants,
that's what I know. I know pants."
Ohh, I had a day. Let me tell you.
Then he says, "what about chinos?"
Talk about slaves in ancient Egypt.
Dad.
"I know chinos."
Mom?
Those slaves were in Disneyland.
Dad?
I grew up on jeans.
Being whipped while building a pyramid's no bargain.
Overalls... now he's insulting me.
Those slaves didn't have to book the himmelmans
nonstop to Boca during easter.
"Einstein knew arithmetic, Pavarotti knows singing, and I know pants."
North was positive he was having a coronary.
"Do you know who I am?
As a rule, 11-year-olds
don't experience cardiac events.
"Let me remind you who I am.
But for north, this was a very stressful time.
"I'm number 6!"
North was having a difficult time with his folks,
and it was putting a damper
on what was in all other respects
a very successful life.
How successful? Look at the year he'd had.
Photosynthesis...
the process by which carbohydrates are formed
in the chlorophyll containing tissues of plants
exposed to sunlight.
¶ If I were a rich man ¶
¶ diguh diguh diguh diguh ¶
¶ diguh diguh diguh diguh dum ¶
¶ all day long I'd biddy biddy bum ¶
¶ if I were a wealthy man ¶¶
hey!
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
An outstanding year by anyone's standards.
But did north's folks appreciate how special he was?
Hardly.
"I was inspecting pants before you even started wearing them,
Mr. Vice president-only because-your-father owns-the-company."
God forbid the himmelmans
should stop over in Atlanta.
"I've forgotten more about belt loops than you'll know.
See this rash? Himmelman.
There's no ointment for this.
"Let me remind you who you're talking to...
"only this year's recipient
of the coveted Mr. Inseam award."
Well, that shut him up.
Dad... You know what that stupid Rachel did to me?
I saw blood in my stool this morning.
Aah!
Are you o.K.?
What's the matter, son?
Here, loosen his pants.
No, no, I'm o.K.
I'm all right.
I'm o.K.
But north wasn't o.K.
This parent thing was starting to affect
every aspect of his life.
It's turning into the wind.
What sense does that make?
It's not... uh...
Maybe it's showing us where the wind was.
What are we supposed to do with that information?
To be...
Or not to...
line?
Be.
Oh.
Be.
Ball 4.
That's six in a row.
Time out.
How ya doin'?
I don't get it.
A child is born,
he's given a life,
but then...
He's appreciated by everyone
except the folks who gave him that life.
It's just not right.
Uh, let me rephrase the question.
How's the arm?
Mr. Blankman,
I've got some problems I have to work out.
Problems? You?
North?
So while everyone speculated
as to what could possibly be bothering
last season's most valuable player,
north left the field
and headed straight for his secret spot.
Yes, north had a secret spot.
You know the kind of spot I'm talking about...
a place that's just ordinary to everyone else
but for some reason is special only to you.
No matter where it is,
it's the spot where you can go
and feel away from everyone and everything,
the spot where you can go and do your best thinking.
The one place where you can go
to reflect upon what was,
mull over what is,
or just sit back, close your eyes,
and change the world
into whatever you wish it could be.
It's my guess even north couldn't remember
when his spot first revealed
its special powers to him,
nor did it matter at this point.
What was important
was whenever he sat in that huge armchair,
he looked like any other kid
waiting for his parents to finish their easter shopping.
He was sitting on that spot the first time I saw him.
Why don't they like me?
What did I do wrong?
You o.K., kid?
Yeah.
Good, 'cause I only got a 10-minute break,
and my back is killing me.
The last thing I need
is to listen to somebody else's problems.
You hungry?
No, thanks.
Good,
'cause I'm starving,
and this is my last carrot.
So, who are you?
I'm north.
Seen your name on maps.
Very impressive.
Who are you?
I'm the easter bunny...
third floor, toys.
At least until Sunday.
Then what do you do?
Whatever I want.
Independently wealthy.
4th of July, I might be Uncle Sam.
Christmas... maybe Santa claus.
My life's a holiday.
How about yours?
Not lately.
I had a bad game today.
How bad?
I walked nine panthers
and hit my coach's wife with a wild pitch.
That's bad.
You got something on your mind?
Well?
What is it?
Thought you didn't want to hear anyone else's problems.
You always believe everything strangers tell you?
Come on, spill.
Aw, you wouldn't understand.
Try me.
It's my folks.
Yeah, what about 'em?
I don't know.
All they care about is themselves.
Selfish folks. That is rough.
They don't know
what a good thing they got in you.
Exactly, and they're the only ones.
You should hear what the other parents say about me.
North's room is always clean.
North always looks both ways.
North never spoils his appetite.
North flosses.
Holy mackerel. Your folks are sitting on a gold mine.
Tell me about it.
You realize, of course, you're not alone.
What do you mean?
Look, kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit
doesn't mean I haven't stumbled across some basic truths.
The feeling of being insufficiently appreciated
is a common childhood lament.
I'm not common.
Course not,
but I'll bet you that even Wolfgang amadeus Mozart...
who wrote a symphony by the age of 3...
had some evenings there with an angry parent yelling,
"stop banging on that damn piano."
But Mr. Mozart's dead and I'm alive,
so I'll bet you that right now
I'm in more pain than he is.
Hard to argue with that one.
At this point,
I'd even settle for Mozart's parents.
Unfortunately, you don't get to make that choice.
The one thing we cannot control
is who our parents are.
You're dealt a hand, you're stuck with it.
It's not like baseball, where you can become a free agent
and try to get a better deal with another team.
Another team...
This is real life, kid.
The rules are different.
I got to get back upstairs.
You want my advice...
and I know you didn't ask for it...
go home, make up, and goodbye.
And that was it.
Nothing special.
I just left him there in that secret spot of his,
just him and his thoughts.
Free agency.
What a scoop!
A kid becoming a free agent,
then offering his services as a devoted son
to the highest-bidding set of parents.
It's brilliant, north, simply brilliant!
This still isn't for sure yet.
This could be my Watergate.
Winchell, you put out a two-page leaflet
with a circulation of 90.
Might land me a pulitzer.
I told you this as my friend,
not as editor of the school newspaper.
I'm a journalist, north.
You never said this conversation was off the record.
I need time to think.
I'll hold the story,
but a few more displays like that panther game,
and some parents may start doing
some thinking of their own.
That damn panther game.
And that geography test we took today?
What about it?
You got a 34.
Chicago's in Africa?
Mexico... an island off the coast of Montana?
Where'd you get this?
I'm a journalist, north.
I can't reveal my sources.
How I got this test isn't important.
Why you got this grade is.
Your instincts are correct.
You need new parents, and you need them now.
Unless...
Unless what?
Unless you haven't got the guts.
I've got more guts than anybody in this town.
Eh, talk is cheap.
I just feel I owe it to my parents
to give them one last chance.
What can I say?
You came to me, sought my counsel.
The rest is up to you.
No, no, that's o.K.
Thanks, anyway.
North wanted to give his folks
every chance to keep the family together.
He tried his mom,
but she was too busy rerouting the himmelmans.
That left dad.
Pants. Can I help you?
My name is north. Can I talk to my dad?
What number?
Number 6.
Looks like that 5-iron's a little short.
Number 6.
Number 6! Phone call.
Oh, uh, prom season.
Get a number, would you?
It's your son.
All right. Just a minute.
Is that piping holding up?
Very well, Mr. Vice president.
Now he's an expert on piping.
Hello.
Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yes, north.
We need these by 5:00.
I only got two legs!
North, I'm swamped.
Could we discuss this over dinner?
But, dad...
We'll discuss it over dinner.
Yeah, right.
Dinner.
Well, that's that.
O.K., guys, let's roll.
Zoe, you take the South side.
Winchell!
Here you go.
I've made my decision.
Let me guess.
How did you know?
News travels fast.
Apparently.
You got a lawyer?
Do I need one?
This is America. Everyone needs a lawyer.
I happen to know the best.
Name's Arthur belt.
Let's move it.
Where will I find him?
Don't worry. He'll find you.
We got a paper to get out!
Hello, north.
Arthur belt at your service.
The lawyer?
Your lawyer.
We're a team.
You do what I tell you to do,
you're going to have the best parents in the world.
You sure you can squeeze me in?
What?
Oh, the "ambulance chasing" thing.
Ha ha.
That's nothing.
I just use it to beat traffic.
Try it sometime on your bike.
Are we a team?
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, hey, hey. You know so.
Yes, north was actually
going to go through with it
and challenge the entire concept of family.
The effect was immediate,
as kids now faced their parents
with confidence they once only dreamed about.
What a great idea. North's a genius.
Jeffrey, don't be ridiculous.
Now, where did I put that phone number for Arthur belt?
Did I say ridiculous?
What I meant was, you look very handsome today.
You realize north will never pull this off?
He's north. He can do anything.
His folks will fight it.
They won't take this lying down.
And then the media circus began.
How do you feel?
Is winchell's story accurate?
Can we take that as a "yes"?
You think you can pull this off?
No comment.
North, if you're successful,
how will your actions affect mother's day?
No comment!
In 1793, the cotton gin was invented.
North, could you please tell us the name of the inventor?
E-e...
o.K.
Under strict advice from counsel,
I must respectfully say no comment.
Finally, north's day in court arrived.
The world was watching.
All rise for the honorable judge buckle.
All sit for the honorable judge buckle.
Now, then, this is a trial, not a hearing.
Even though both sides will be saying things
and I'll be hearing them,
it is still not a hearing.
No doubt you'll be hearing
the same things I'm hearing.
That's your privilege.
However, once both sides have been heard,
it'll be my job to pass judgment.
Obviously, you can pass judgment, too,
but it won't count.
That's because I'm the judge.
Have I made myself clear to the plaintiff?
Yes, your honor,
it's quite clear to the plaintiff.
Have I made myself clear to the defense?
Your honor,
the defense rests.
Then there's nothing left to do but make my judgment,
and in my judgment,
any folks who would sleep through this trial
don't deserve a son like north!
I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
The system works.
North, you're a free man.
Hold on.
¶ Israel was in Egypt land ¶
¶ let my people go ¶
everybody!
¶ Go down, Moses ¶
Hey! Hey! Pipe down!
¶ Go down, Moses... ¶¶
this is a court of law.
Even though I have made a judgment,
the trial isn't over.
I still have to make a ruling.
Now, then, today is...
July 1st.
Today is July 1st,
and it's my ruling
that north choose his new parents by labor day
so he can begin school with his new family.
If he does not choose new parents,
he may return to his original parents.
However, if he is not physically in the arms
of either his new parents or his original parents
by noon on labor day,
he will be remanded to an orphanage.
And if any of you has ever seen the little rascals,
you know that's no day at the beach.
Orphanage?
Not to worry.
From now own, the world is your oyster.
Even though north didn't really care for oysters,
he couldn't help but take Arthur belt's enthusiasm
as a positive sign.
North free agent draft.
Yes, his eyes are blue.
Soprano.
Super Mario III.
He believes in God and evolution.
Don't even get him started on the Warren commission.
Everyone wants you, kid. Everyone.
Look at this.
You got a first class ticket
to every city in the world.
My advice is, don't spread yourself thin.
Learn as much as you can about the parents you audition.
Once you sign with someone,
that's it.
They're your new folks forever. Understand?
You bet.
That's the spirit. Let's get cracking.
So north was on his way.
It was the 4th of July.
This year, independence day
had a special meaning for north.
He was a free man
searching for the life he felt he deserved.
There he is.
Look at that boy.
There he is, pa.
Well, hey,
howdy, north.
I'm pa Texas. Here's ma Tex.
And welcome to the great state of Texas.
Uh, howdy.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Big car, right?
Well, it did cross my mind.
Everything I own's the biggest and the best.
That's why we'd like you to become our son.
'Cause you're the best.
To the best.
Home, sweet home.
This can all be yours, son...
the main house,
guest house,
livestock,
oil Wells.
Rumor has it you like baseball.
I used to own the Houston astros.
Really? What happened?
Just this morning, I signed them over to you.
Gee, don't get me wrong.
They're a fine organization,
but aren't we rushing things?
Pretty fair shootin', Gabby.
Thanks, boss.
Hey...
What are you doing here?
Finished all my chores.
Figured I'd get some shootin' in.
No, I... I mean...
Have you ever been an easter bunny?
Easter bunny?
Careful, son.
Gabby's killed men for less than that.
Sorry.
No harm done.
So, what you two cowpokes
got planned for tomorrow?
We'll wake up early and eat,
then dig for oil and eat,
then rope doggies and bust broncs,
then maybe grab a bite to eat.
You like Tex-mex?
I'm a fan of any food that straddles two borders.
That's my boy.
But what's the deal with all this eating?
It's simple.
Remember I told you
everything I own's the biggest and best?
You're already the best.
There's nothing left but to make you the biggest.
And don't fret about not being able to clean your plate.
Pretty soon that stomach of yours
will stretch and stretch,
and your capacity for food will grow and grow.
Excuse me. You say that like that's a good thing
to have happen to your stomach.
It is.
Why?
Well, then you'll be like buck.
Who?
Our first son.
Biggest boy
this big state's ever seen.
He could eat more in one day
than anyone else eats in a month.
That's why buck hated February.
Where is buck?
He died in a stampede.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
It was a mighty big loss.
Now we'll show you how much we're lookin' forward
to making you our new son.
Ready, pa?
Ready, ma.
¶ We had a son who was trampled ¶
¶ by a ton of longhorns ¶
¶ but you're here, cutes ¶
¶ to fill his boots ¶
¶ as flat as they may be ¶
¶ you'll yell yippee-ai-o at the rodeo ¶
¶ till the day's done ¶
¶ then you'll make a lot of pals ¶
¶ with buffalo gals ¶
¶ just leave some for me ¶
¶ we'll barbecue steaks and stew ¶
¶ feed you pumpkin pie ¶
¶ till your can's bigger than ¶
¶ the big ol' Texas sky ¶
yee-hah!
Yee-hah!
Whoo!
¶ You'll grow tall and play football ¶
¶ be famous ¶
¶ you'll grow more, own a chain of stores ¶
¶ marry Betty Lou ¶
¶ oh, north ¶
¶ north ¶
¶ grow, north ¶¶
'nother rib, son?
You o.K., cowboy?
Yeah.
Just thinking.
Texas nights are sure good for thinking.
Yeah.
You doing any particular type of thinking
or just wandering thinking?
I was thinking if I stay here,
I'll always be living in the shadow of someone else.
What kind of life would that be?
From what I hear about buck,
what kind of shadow would that be?
Yeah, he was a big one.
Mighty hard being your own man
when they're always comparing you to somebody else.
Yeah, right.
I mean, I left home
because I had parents who didn't appreciate who I was.
Why would I want new parents who'd only appreciate me
if I was someone else?
You might be onto something there, son.
You know, down here in these parts we got a saying...
sometimes when you're panning for gold,
you got to try more than one stream.
We really wish you'd reconsider.
I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be fair to any of us.
Thanks for the opportunity, north.
Oh, sir?
Yes, north?
I think it's only right I give you back the astros.
Well, thanks, son.
That's a class gesture.
Well...
Goodbye.
So long, pard.
We'll miss you.
Hold on there, son.
Just a little something
to remember your old buddy Gabby by.
Hope it brings you good luck.
Thanks.
So north resumed his search,
and though he got to the airport by noon,
out of respect for ma and pa Tex,
in true cowboy tradition,
he chose to wait eight hours
to fly off into the sunset,
with no knowledge at all
of what was going on back home.
How much longer do we have to put up with this indignity?
How much longer must we tolerate these injustices?
The subservience?
It's humiliating, my friends.
It's demeaning.
Right on!
Now is the time to say no!
Now is the time to say,
"just because you were born 25 or 30 years before me
"doesn't make you smart.
"It doesn't make you right.
It just makes you old!"
"It just makes you smell worse in the morning!"
Now is the time to band together
and let our parents know
we're at the dawn of a new era...
the era of our liberation!
An era made possible
by a kid who had the guts
to fight for the power we now possess!
And now the man whose brilliant legal mind
shone the light on the pathway to freedom...
Mr. Arthur ulysses belt, esquire!
Thank you!
I am but a humble servant,
standing at your ready,
to assist in this noble cause!
Viva El norte!
But like I said,
north didn't know about any of this.
He was on his way to Hawaii
to meet what he hoped would be his new parents.
Governor and Mrs. ho?
Aloha, north.
Welcome to our island paradise, north.
Aloha.
We've got a big day planned for you.
Waki-waki will take you to the house to change.
Aloha.
Aloha?
I thought that meant hello.
In Hawaii, aloha means hello and goodbye.
Doesn't that get confusing?
Only when you're firing someone.
Oh, well, aloha.
Isn't he great?
You know, north, if you settle here,
you'll be many years younger
because of the difference in time zones.
You won't die as early as you would
if you lived on the mainland.
That's a plus.
Another thing, north.
If you live in Hawaii,
it's much easier to get into a good college.
How's that?
We have only 12 letters in our alphabet.
Really?
That's right. Five vowels...
A-e-I-o-u.
Seven consonants.
H-k-l-m-n-p-w.
I didn't know that.
Well, sure. Just think about it.
Waikiki, Honolulu...
Kaanapali, mauna lani.
That's very interesting,
but how does that help me get into college?
Since we don't use the letters b-c-d and "f",
you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight as.
What do you think?
Well, I like what I see,
but I do have one question,
just for my own peace of mind.
What is it?
I hope I'm not being insensitive,
but you wouldn't have a dead kid
whose shoes you want me to fill?
Dead kid?
North, Hawaii is a lush and fertile land.
There's only one barren area on all of our islands.
Unfortunately, it's Mrs. ho.
But if all goes right,
you will be our first child.
Wow!
What a great day.
You know, this might really work out.
As far I'm concerned,
there's just a few minor details to discuss.
You know, bedtime, sleepovers,
your views on snacks.
That sort of thing.
What are we standing here for?
Let's go inside and push a few numbers around,
see what we come up with.
Ladies and gentlemen, governor and Mrs. ho.
Heahea 'oe!
Komo mai e kai e ku aloha!
Ladies and gentlemen,
fellow 50th staters,
I am thrilled to announce
that we have reached an agreement in principle
which allows me to introduce to you today
a young man, who in coming years
will be to Hawaii what the peach is to Georgia,
the apple is to New York,
the wind is to Chicago!
Now, without further ado,
please give a big, warm Hawaiian welcome
to our new pride and joy...
our son north!
What is that?
Son, that'll be in every airport,
along every highway...
My crack?
My crack is going to be shown in every airport?
What gives you the right to show my crack on every highway?
The truth is, north, I'm governor of a state
running low on self-esteem.
After 35 years of statehood,
people still don't treat Hawaii
like we're part of the country.
Sure, there's a star for us on the flag,
but why didn't anyone show up
during "hands across America"?
Not even a phone call.
It's just plain inconsiderate.
He's right.
People from the mainland
just don't care about Hawaii.
They come with their knobby knees and pale kids,
eat our food, watch our whales,
say "aloha," like they really mean it.
7 to 10 days later,
they drop us like a sack of rancid poi.
We're supposed to feel good about ourselves?
Excuse me. What's this have to do with my crack?
Don't you see, north?
If you lived here in Hawaii,
people would be more inclined to settle here.
So they can be close to my crack?
North, north...
You're very important to us.
I don't know.
I need some time to think, o.K.?
1, 2, 3, 4 Jacks!
Come on, guys! Don't just stand there.
Get your butt in motion!
You might just like it!
And squat down, up and...
What is the point?
Gabby, what are you doing here?
They say for every hour you exercise,
you add an hour to your life.
Who needs all that extra time
if you're just going to spend it exercising?
See where I'm going? Who's Gabby?
A ranch hand from Texas.
Not familiar with the gentlemen.
So, how's it feel
to be Hawaii's new first son?
Well, I'm not so sure
that's what I want to be.
Why not?
Beautiful climate.
Can't beat the fashion.
Yeah, I know,
but I don't think I should settle for parents
who have to show my most private crevice
on a billboard to feel better about themselves.
It's refreshing to meet a kid
who has such strong convictions
about his crack.
Whoa! Whoa.
Ah!
Dig, man.
The way I always figured this deal is
parents are supposed to make the kids feel better.
Not the other way around.
Yeah.
Hang in there, kid!
You'll find what you're looking for.
I hope so.
Although he came up short in both Texas and Hawaii,
north felt no anxiety, as he still had eight weeks
till his labor day deadline.
Welcome to Juneau, Alaska.
Remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop
in Anchorage, Alaska.
To accompany our skid,
we'll be showing another full-length feature film.
Our friend had a dream,
and that dream is becoming a reality.
Meanwhile, as north was skidding
his way to Anchorage,
things were heating up at home.
Winchell's inspirational speeches
had created a groundswell,
and all across the land,
kids continued holding their parents
at emotional gunpoint.
Anything else, son?
Yes. How's my room coming along?
I'll have it spotless by dinner.
Viva El norte.
And as of next Monday,
no parent will be permitted
to see an r-rated movie
unless accompanied by a kid.
Yeah, right.
Arthur, do I detect a note of melancholy?
It's just that north still hasn't found new parents.
Maybe he never will.
Maybe this free agency thing will blow up in our face.
I'm surprised at you.
Do you think I'd embark
on an endeavor of this magnitude
without a contingency plan?
Contingency plan?
Oh, good. I love those.
One Coca-Cola.
Right here.
And one sex-on-the-beach.
Aren't I naughty?
To our future.
What a future it is.
According to the latest polls,
parents are so nervous,
that 78% of them say
they'll vote however their kids tell them to.
And since those kids
will do whatever you tell them to...
Well, I, uh...
What I mean is...
That's right.
I'm lying here with the next president of the United States.
I'm happy for you, Arthur.
I'm sure you'll make a fine commander-in-chief.
Hey, dollface, could you concentrate on my lower back?
That's where all my tension builds up.
Flight 24 from Hawaii by way of Juneau
is now arriving at gate seven.
Approach 119-90.
Hey, great landing, guys.
You've really got that skid thing
down to a science.
Thanks for the kind words, north.
We've dented a terminal now and then,
but eventually you get the hang of it.
Thanks.
North's first impression of Alaska
was a positive one.
The air was clean,
it was breathtakingly beautiful,
and, best of all,
it was far away from everyone and everything.
There was nothing to distract these people
from concentrating on life's most precious commodity...
the love of a good family.
Morning!
Whoa ho!
Here you go, north.
A nice cup of hot cocoa.
And to go with that,
our state dish... eskimo pie.
Thank you.
Hey, what do you know?
The salmon are running.
I'm going to get poles
and go fishing with my boy.
Great! I love fishing.
This is the life, right, son?
Sure is.
You like Christmas, north?
Who doesn't?
You've never had a Christmas
till you've had an Alaskan Christmas.
Since our days last for months at a time,
you can imagine the festivities.
Why, opening presents takes three weeks alone.
Right, ma?
This all sounds great,
but what's the catch?
What do you mean?
I mean, what's in it for you?
Nothing.
Really?
No dead kids? No low self-esteem?
No frozen skeletons in your closet?
We have pride, north,
and we're proud of our pride.
We wouldn't ask anything of a child.
We want you to follow your dreams
and be the best north you can be.
You'll be a source of pride
to the entire eskimo community
for many, many years to come.
Oh, jeepers creepers, that reminds me.
Oh, dad, let's go! Time to flow!
Coming!
Time to what?
Bundle up. It's a long walk.
Who's that?
North, this is your new grandfather.
Hello, north.
Hello. What do you mean "it's time to flow"?
When an eskimo gets too old or weak
to contribute to society,
the whole family gets together
and walks to the ocean.
Then the revered old eskimo
is proudly placed on an ice floe
and set out to sea to die with dignity.
And pride.
All right, everybody, let's go.
But wait a minute.
Just because he's old doesn't mean
he can't be part of the family.
Well, it's a tradition.
I promise you, north,
grandpa wants this as much as anyone. Right, grandpa?
Yeah, right. I've been looking forward to this.
As the family made their long trek to the sea,
north took the opportunity
to get close to his new grandpa,
which was easy,
since he had a tremendous affection for old folks.
He found them warm, understanding,
and, most importantly, way too tired to yell.
Knowing his time with grandpa was limited,
north tried to take in
all this wise old man had to offer
about life in the tundra.
And another thing. Up here,
if your mother says "don't make a face
because it could freeze in the position,"
you better take her seriously.
Can't you hang around a little longer?
There's so much you can teach me.
Next!
Goodbye.
Yeah, o.K. O.K.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Let's go. I only got four months of sunlight.
Next. Let's go!
Come on. Come on.
Should've done this before.
I've got a civilization to run here.
Move along.
Next!
Don't act like you don't know what's going on.
Well, goodbye, north.
Are you sure you have to go?
Don't worry about him, north.
He's had a great life.
He's happy to set sail
before he starts embarrassing himself.
Take it from us, north.
When drool hardens, it's not a pretty sight.
Let's go, pal. This is no surprise.
Take a walk. Let's go. Move it.
Yeah, bye, bye. Fine. Thank you.
Bye, dad!
Bye.
Listen, if there's a change in policy
the next couple of weeks,
feel free to track me down.
What did he say?
What do you say we grab a ride home?
Great idea!
North, don't worry about grandpa.
He'll be o.K.
Yeah.
Can I ride on top?
Why, sure. It's the best view.
Landscape sure is beautiful up here.
Hey...
It's you.
No, it's not.
Oh.
Smell that fresh air.
No smog up here.
How could they do that?
Not even my original parents
would send my grandpa away like that.
Hey, son!
How's the view up there?
Great!
Thanks.
"Son."
I don't want to overstep my bounds,
but unless I'm mistaken,
you're that fella north.
Unless I'm further mistaken,
you have a deadline of labor day...
a week from tomorrow... to choose new parents.
You still haven't found what you're looking for.
How could labor day be next week?
I just got here.
You walked from home to the ice floes?
It's a seven-week walk,
even with the wind at your back.
No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.
That six months of daylight thing throws everybody off.
I only showered 12 times during the seventies.
Oh, man, I'll never find new parents.
You can always go back to your original parents.
Oh, yeah!
That's just what I want to do...
go back to the people
who haven't even tried to contact me.
Take me to the airport.
I've got lots to do and not much time.
You got it. Yah!
So a now-desperate north, with time running out,
raced towards an uncertain future.
Understandably, he was upset
that his parents hadn't called in two months,
but his parents hadn't done much of anything
in two months.
As curator of the Smithsonian institution,
it is my distinct honor to unveil the newest addition
to our illustrious hall of achievement.
At 78 consecutive days and counting,
the longest simultaneous coma
in medical history,
ladies and gentlemen, north's folks.
I'll now take questions.
Yes!
How can you equate a medical oddity
with man's landing on the moon?
With all due respect
to the achievements of the Apollo 11 crew,
the sociological impact of what these folks did
dwarfs those of Mr. Armstrong et Al.
All they did was faint.
And in so doing,
shifted the familial balance of power
throughout the world.
"Throughout the world"?
This is even bigger than we thought.
It's bigger than you thought.
That's why you're only going to be president.
...Child's continuing process
to improve status...
I just thought of something.
What if they wake up in the next eight days,
begging north to come back?
What if north goes back to his folks?
Arthur, don't you know that that's an impossibility,
that I would use all my power
to prevent a thing like that from happening?
Oh.
What do you say we grab some Chinese?
Maybe the msg will calm you down.
Despite north's growing concern
about his approaching deadline,
he took solace in the fact the lord needed
only six days to create the entire universe.
A kid of his caliber, given an extra two days,
should be able to find two measly parents.
Greetings...
North.
I'm thy new father,
and this good woman, who art my wife,
art thy new mother.
And these art thy new brothers,
who art named Ezekiel.
And these art thy new brothers,
who art named art.
Hey, hey, this looks great.
I've always dreamt of a life
without the ever-present nuisance of electricity.
Just let me grab something from the plane.
I seem to have left my butter churn
in the overhead compartment.
Floor it!
While it wasn't like north to make snap judgments,
there were only seven days left.
He had a world of potential parents to evaluate.
Long live the north dynasty!
Give him the emperor cut.
Honey!
Honey face!
You seem like very nice folks,
but to be totally honest with you,
if I lived here,
I'm not sure I'd get much homework done.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Quiet, Harry! Quiet!
I think he's trying to tell us something.
¶ Wack wack wack-ado ¶¶
Oh, my!
With three days to go
before his 12 noon labor day deadline,
north, the little world traveler,
arrived in New York today
to interview his final set of parents...
ward and Donna Nelson,
who, along with their two children, bud and Laura,
live in the quaint upstate town of bedford.
When contacted earlier at his office,
ward, the local pediatrician,
who, we understand, still makes house calls,
said, "my family and I would like nothing better
"than to see north's long journey
"finally be rewarded with a warm and loving home,
and we hope we can provide it for him."
Thanks.
Hi, north!
Ward, bud, Laura, he's here!
He's here!
Hi, north!
Hi!
Hello.
Welcome to our home, son.
Tired, hungry?
I'm going to bake you
some chocolate chip cookies.
Do you like Nintendo?
Today at mount rushmore,
thousands of angry parents gathered
to voice opposition to the bill
that lowers voting age to 7.
According to Arthur belt,
the rising politician who drafted the bill...
Wait. They were talking about me.
Soon you'll be hearing your name so much,
even you'll be sick of it.
I highly doubt it.
Talk to me.
Boss, it's Al with the sleeping dogs.
Yeah, what about them?
Looks like they counted their last sheep.
So it does.
How long will it take
to get operation xerox into place?
Less than a minute, boss.
Go to it, and, Al?
Yeah, boss?
Don't be surprised
if there's extra zeros in your next paycheck.
Thanks, boss. I appreciate it.
And, Al?
Yeah, boss?
Don't be surprised if there isn't.
I understand.
Good morning.
Where are we?
Oh! Where's our son?
Ooh! Can we see our son?
Absolutely. Just follow me.
We got a limo waiting outside
with coffee and hot Danish.
Oh, that sounds good.
I seem to have worked up an appetite. Honey?
I could eat.
Right this way.
Hike!
O.K., Laura, sack the quarterback!
Here we go. Hey!
Touchdown!
You faked me right out of my socks!
Come and get it!
It's great having you here, north.
I've always wanted a brother to throw to.
Now I have two brothers to look out for me.
I know we're all excited
to have north in our family,
but he hasn't decided to stay.
You got to stay!
We really want you.
Help yourself, everybody. Dig in.
Mom, can we go to the carnival tomorrow?
I don't see why not.
Ward?
Sounds good to me.
North...
We miss you so much.
Please forgive us.
We made so many mistakes.
We should've appreciated you more.
If only you could give us
just one more chance.
We love you, son.
We love you very much.
Cut!
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
Touching, moving, and yet, not over the top.
Keep it rolling.
So, crazy summer, huh?
Oh, terrible.
Very disturbing.
I know what you're going through,
but if north doesn't come back, you can always adopt.
Just the other day,
I met this adorable little boy,
7 years old.
His name was Hugh.
Maybe you can adopt him.
Maybe Hugh can be your son.
We don't want Hugh.
He's not our son.
We want north.
I understand.
It was insensitive of me to even mention it.
Uh, you folks want more coffee?
Nah. That's o.K.
Not for me.
I still don't understand
why we can't speak to north in person.
I think that would be a big mistake.
North is very angry right now, very sensitive.
You show up unannounced,
and this could blow up in your face,
and it'd just kill me to see that happen.
My suggestion is, you lay low for a while.
I'll have someone escort you to the Plaza.
I told Jean Pierre to give you any room service,
and as north's best friend,
I'd happily show him this tape
to pave the way for you.
Thank you, winchell.
Oh, yes.
You're a real friend.
I try.
Bring the car around for north's folks.
Yes, sir. Consider it done.
You know, you're doing very well
for a sixth-grader.
Well, I cut a few breaks.
Adam, take the tape down to editing.
Colonel mustard in the study
with the rope.
I don't have any of those.
Neither do I.
Me, neither.
Let's see.
Colonel mustard in the study,
and here's the rope.
All right!
Good job, kitten.
Can we play again?
No. You have to hit the sack.
You don't want to be tired for the carnival.
Everybody upstairs to bed right now.
O.K. Good night.
Good night, honey. Good night, north.
Good night.
Brush your teeth before you go to bed.
Ahem.
Sorry to bother you,
but I got something important for a kid named north.
What is it?
Apparently an urgent message
from his original parents.
I'll see he gets it.
Thank you.
North, honey?
Yeah?
Can you come down here for a minute?
Coming.
What is it?
North, a man just left this tape.
It's a message from your parents.
From my parents?
Do you mind if I...
of course not.
Would you like to be alone, north?
No. That's o.K.
After all you've been through,
what would you like to say to your son?
We don't want Hugh.
How can you say that?
He's not our son.
Aren't you bothered
you might never see your son again?
Nah. That's o.K.
Isn't this a gut-wrenching,
torturous, emotional experience?
Not for me.
He's not our son.
We don't want Hugh.
North, honey, are you o.K.?
Is there anything we can do for you?
Yeah.
Let me be your son.
Finally, north had new parents...
parents who made him feel wanted, secure,
and loved,
yet something was still wrong.
The nelsons were everything he was looking for,
so why couldn't he embrace them?
North needed answers.
North, we just don't understand
why you're leaving.
Neither do I.
You're all nice people. I'm really gonna miss you,
but I've just got to be alone.
We're going to miss you, too.
And so will Oliver.
North.
Here.
In case you get hungry on your way to New York.
Thanks, mom...
I mean, Mrs. Nelson.
Bye.
So with just 24 hours until his labor day deadline,
no hope of parents,
and the prospect of an orphanage looming,
north felt he only had one option left.
He would disappear.
Can you spare some extra change?
Oh.
Here.
Maybe it'll bring you more luck
than it brought me.
Hey, it's got a hole in it!
What good does this do me?
Yes, he would disappear,
and where better to do that
than amidst the teeming, faceless masses
of the naked city?
Want to go downtown?
Shut up!
He's heading into the park.
Don't worry, boss. I'm just looking for the right place.
So long, Al.
What was that all about?
It seems our young friend's had a change of heart.
Change of heart?
He's left the nelsons
and decided to grace our city with his presence.
Oh, no.
This ruins everything.
Arthur, please, use your head.
This is a godsend.
It is?
Of course.
As we speak, grownups across this great land of ours
are feeling humiliated.
They blame north for all their frustrations.
Do you realize how many of those angry parents
would like nothing better
than to do away with our little friend?
And do you know the one catalyst
that can give a political movement true cohesion?
That's right.
A martyr.
You're a genius.
I mean, it's brilliant.
It's absolutely winchellian.
It... it...
But for north to be martyred,
doesn't he have to be killed?
Well, maybe we'll get lucky.
As north ran for his life,
he wondered how his dream of finding perfect parents
had turned into a nightmare.
Aah! Aah!
Damn it.
Psst! North.
Over here.
Adam, what are you doing here?
Listen to me very carefully.
I'm not here. You never saw me.
We're not even having this conversation.
Got that?
Got what?
Perfect.
So what are we not talking about?
This.
What? I don't see anything.
What you don't see is a tape of the conversation
winchell had with your parents.
I saw it.
No, you didn't.
Oh, I forgot. I didn't see it.
You did see it, and this is what you didn't see.
I see.
I don't think you do.
Look at the tape.
So how'd you find me?
Winchell. He bugged the nelsons' phones.
Winchell? Shh!
He's everywhere.
I been working for him ever since you left home.
You know, some guy was chasing me with a gun.
He was shooting at me.
That didn't have anything to do with winchell, did it?
Oh, man.
So why are you doing this?
I'm not, but if I was,
because I think winchell's gone too far.
Also, you were always good to me, north.
You never picked me last.
You never made me play right field.
Thanks, Adam.
Oh, man.
Adam, I just don't feel safe anywhere.
Adam?
Can I have a hot dog with just mustard?
That'll be $1.00.
Out of 5.
2...3...
4...5.
There you go.
Where did you get this?
Some bum bought a hot dog from me. Why?
No reason.
Aah!
We won't see him no more.
Watch, watch, watch!
Watch there.
Excuse me.
Move it, kid.
Come on, move it.
Which reminds me of this man
that walked into a bar.
He sits down next to a very beautiful young lady.
Before you know it,
the conversation turns to sex.
He says to her,
"my darling, do you smoke after making love?"
She says, "I don't know. I never looked."
"But I'll tell you one thing,
my smoke alarm never went off."
Good night, folks. You've been great.
Thank you.
You the kid with the tape?
Yeah.
Good. Come in. I want to try my new vcr.
How did you know?
I came to see you because you looked familiar.
I look familiar because I'm almost famous.
Joey fingers, and you're?
North.
One of my favorite directions.
Mal-o-mar?
No, thanks.
That bad, huh?
What?
No kid ever refuses a mal-o-mar
unless he's wrestling with heavyweight problems.
North, we miss you so much.
Please forgive us.
We made so many mistakes.
We should've appreciated you more.
If only you could give us just one more chance.
We love you, son.
We love you very much.
Beautiful. Works like a charm.
You got some pretty nice folks there, kid.
Huh?
I said you got some pretty nice folks there.
Yeah.
I guess so.
What do you mean?
What did they mean by "give us one more chance?"
I thought they didn't love me.
What are you, nuts?
That's the thing. They didn't always
pay that much attention to me.
I left them to find folks who'd appreciate me.
I searched the whole world, but nobody was good enough...
not even the nelsons, who I just left,
and they weren't bad folks.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Ah, there's nothing wrong with you.
I'm sure the nelsons weren't bad folks.
They just weren't your folks.
You see those people out there?
That audience?
They paid attention to me. They listened.
They laughed. They screamed.
They applauded.
They loved me,
but do you think that audience
would make me a cup of tea if I'm ill?
You think they're going to give me advice
when I fight with my best friend
or I get in girl trouble?
Who will I turn to?
Give you a hint. It's not that audience.
My God, what have I done?
I'll tell you what you've done.
You've realized something
it takes most people a whole lifetime to figure out...
that a bird in the hand
is always greener than the grass
under the other guy's bushes.
It's a metaphor used mostly by gardeners
and landscape people in general.
Hey, kid!
Hey, kid! Where are you going?
Home. I miss my parents.
How? You got a car?
No. I'm 11.
Then we better take mine.
The white zone if for immediate loading
and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
Thanks for everything, Mr. Fingers.
Make it Joey, and you're welcome.
Remember, if you can't stand the heat, leave Miami.
What does that metaphor mean?
What metaphor? You ever been there in August?
Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue.
So north finally found the parents
he'd always been looking for.
Much to his surprise, they were his own.
So with a smile on his face,
north prepared to board the final plane home.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm going home.
Not on this plane.
Why not?
It says here you're dead.
But I'm not.
How can I be sure?
I'm here talking to you.
I know. That scares me.
I don't scare easily.
Imagine how it will affect the other passengers.
But I'm not dead.
Sorry. I can't take that chance.
Hey, it's north. He's alive.
What's he doing here?
This plane's headed to his hometown.
He's trying to reach his parents.
It'll ruin everything. Let's get him!
Hey!
He's going up that way!
Stop him! Stop him!
Get that traitor!
Hey, kid, hop in.
What are you, some kind of guardian angel?
Well, I guess you can say that
'cause we at federal express
feel we are guardians...
guardians of your most important packages
and priority communiques.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just get me home, will you?
Well, if you absolutely positively have to be home
by tomorrow morning, you've come to the right truck.
Man, you don't let up for a second.
I have no idea what you mean.
Just tell me what to do.
Get in.
Federal express, huh?
O.K. Thanks.
Oh, Al.
Can I have a word with you?
Oh. Sure, boss.
Remember when you told me north was dead?
Yeah.
Uh, just curious... what'd you base that on?
I can only assume that you think this is blood,
and if I had an I.Q. Below 24, I might think the same,
but the stain in this cap comes from borscht.
Borscht?
Yes, borscht...
a beef-based soup, Russian in origin,
most frequently served chilled
with a dollop of sour cream.
I make a good borscht.
And I'd love to sample it someday,
but the point I'm making here
is that unless north's head was filled
with this traditional slavic delicacy,
he's not dead, you idiot!
Oh, no!
Not now, Arthur.
All right. This just calls
for a slight change in plans.
I'll take it from here.
All right.
Sign on the fourth line.
What time is it?
Normally my answer would be no later than 10:30,
but thanks to that jackknifed truck,
I'm sorry to say it's 10 of 12:00.
We'll be happy to refund your...
no, that's o.K.
Mom! Dad!
I'm home!
Mom!
Where are you guys?
Mom? Dad?
Mom?
Hello, north. Happy labor day.
I trust your summer was enjoyable.
Where are my folks?
Oh, they're in a safe place.
Where the hell are my parents?
North! Did you say the word hell?
The summer's really broadened you.
Winchell, I've got exactly 10 minutes
to find my parents.
If you don't tell me where they are,
I'll show you how broadened I've become, you little asshole!
Why are you smiling?
I was thinking what a beautiful heartwarming scene
it's going to be
when you're reunited with your parents
at your secret spot.
How do you know about my secret spot?
I'm a journalist, north.
It's my job to know about these things,
and as much as I'm enjoying this chat,
shouldn't you be on your way?
After all, you're down to... Nine minutes.
Where is he?
Winchell said he'd be here by now.
Don't worry, honey.
He'll be here soon.
Soon may not be good enough.
I've been sent here by the court
to ensure that your son's physically in your arms
by 12:00 noon.
How much time is left?
Six minutes.
And that's my own clock from my own house.
Uh!
Maybe we should go look for him.
No, no, honey.
What if we leave here and north shows up?
Relax, honey.
Winchell's a man of his word.
Hey, watch yourself, kid.
He has less than one minute.
You wait here. I'll look for him.
Bad idea. The ruling stipulates
north's supposed to be in the arms of both parents.
That's two parents and four arms.
If one of you leaves...
the math speaks for itself.
Mom! Dad!
North!
Aah!
Hey.
You still here?
Yeah.
I must've fallen asleep.
Come on. I'll give you a ride home.
And then you were a beach bum.
Then you drove a sleigh.
Then you were a comedian
who said my parents were the best for me.
I said that? I must be a pretty smart guy.
What's that?
Oh, nothing.
Just something I've always had,
you know, for good luck.
Maybe good luck for you.
I bet that eagle's whistling a different tune.
Here we go.
35 maple drive.
Thanks a lot, mister.
Don't mention it, kid.
And remember, be it ever so humble,
there's no place like home.
With the possible exception of Vegas
when Sinatra's in town. Bye.
North!
Mom! Dad!
Where were you?
We were worried sick.
I fell asleep in the mall.
We called the hospitals. We called the police.
Oh, we looked everywhere.
You did?
Of course we did.
We love you so much, north.
If anything ever happened to you,
I don't know what we'd do.
I love you guys, too.
Come on.
You hungry, honey?
A little bit.
A little bit?
O.K., a lot.
O.K. You run upstairs, put on your pajamas,
we'll bring something