There are no American combat forces in Laos.
At the present time, we are concerned by the North Vietnamese move into Laos.
There are 50,000 North Vietnamese there at the present time.
As you know, the American participation in Laos...
is at the request of the neutralist government...
which was set up in accordance with the 1962 accords...
which were agreed to, incidentally, by Hanoi, Peking and the Soviet Union.
We have been providing logistical support and some training...
for the neutralist government...
in order to avoid Laos falling under Communist domination.
As far as American manpower in Laos is concerned...
there are none there at the present time on a combat basis.
Come on. Come on!
Get over here!
Gene, no.
It's too late. No chance. Get back! Get back!
- Yes, sir! - Let the trucks through.
Son of a bitch.
- Gene. - Get in here! The hell with the cargo!
Is he dead?
Well, Rob, if he's not dead, he's very, very calm.
Jesus, I'm sorry.
Gene, listen-Hey.
Hey. Gene.
We're not here right now.
- Yeah, I saw Nixon on TV. - Yeah.
So if we’re not actually here...
then, of course, this didn't happen.
Well, maybe it didn't happen for you and maybe it didn't happen for Nixon...
but... I think it happened for Doug.
We sure are going through pilots.
Hey, Gene, you will remember what I said.
Well, the problem is, Rob...
since you and I aren't here, this conversation didn't happen...
so I can't remember what the fuck you didn't tell me.
Damn it, Major. These pilots are such head cases.
Yeah. And the worst part of it is we need more of 'em.
Pushin' too hard on me
Too hard
Too damn hard
Now let's go to our Eye in the Sky traffic report with our Eye in the Sky pilot, Billy Covington.
Billy, how you doin' up there?
Well, I gotta say I think the music speaks for me, Stevie.
All I want is to just a-be free...
live my life the way I want a-be.
Hey, how's the traffic, Billy?
Well, northbound traffic is kind of depressing, kind of sad.
Real congested, kind of bumsy-looking there...
to tell you 100% there, Stevie.
We understand that there's one whale of a traffic jam out there on the 103, Billy.
Yeah, you got that right. You know why?
Yeah, that's why we go to you, Bill.
Yeah, I guess so. I'll tell you why.
Because most normal drivers turn into complete pagan rubbernecks...
'cause they think they might see a fatality, and that creates a gawker's block-
blocks things up for a couple of miles back there.
Kind of not unlike this complete moron here...
in the brown 18-wheeler from Rubio Moving and Hauling.
Excuse me, Steve.
Hey! Move your truck. There's an ambulance trying to get to the site of an accident.
Hey, fuck you, Eye in the Sky!
- Fuck me? - Fuck you!
- What did you say? - I said, fuck you!
- Man, you want a convertible? I don't think so. - Come on down here, you fuckin' punk!
Come out here. I'll kick your whirlybird ass.
- You little airborne piece of shit! - All right. Well, this is Rock 1080.
And where else are you gonna get that kind of in-depth look at the LA traffic situation?
You little worm! You should be arrested! This is very dangerous!
- I got your "Eye in the Sky" right here. - I'm gonna bust that whirlybird!
- Hey, Billy. - Who are you?
Sorry to hear about your fall from grace.
You're an adventurer without an adventure. Something's wrong, really wrong.
Well, nothing lower than a grounded pilot. Who are you?
Let me ask you a question.
Why did you fly down so low into that accident site?
'Cause there was an ambulance trying to get to the scene of an accident.
All right, I'm tired of flying a thousand feet above the action.
- I wanna be down in it. - Just what I thought.
Now, the same thing that got you fired off the radio can get you hired in Laos.
- 'Cause there's a war going on over there? - In Vietnam, not in Laos.
You saw the president on TV.
I saw Heckle and Jeckle on TV. That doesn't mean that I believe that birds really talk.
- Give me a break. - Your point's well taken.
But there is no war in Laos. You can take that to the bank.
Who'd be signing my checks?
Our outfit's called Air America.
Strictly civilian. American pilots. Men like yourself.
Wild men, if I may say so, Billy...
flying cargo and refugees in the wild, wild east.
FAA pulled my ticket.
Get you a new one out of Taiwan. No sweat.
Who the hell are you, man?
I'm your biggest fan.
That's nice, Rob. What's that supposed to be?
That is the sound of the torment of war.
See, when the enemy hears those sounds coming from your planes, they're gonna be crazed.
The North Vietnamese, they're pouring into Laos.
They're heading into Saigon on the Ho Chi Minh Trail...
and they're hooking up with their little Commie buddies.
So we blast them with this stuff. They panic. They scatter.
And I admit. I admit. It's a dangerous mission.
- The point is- - It is worse than dangerous.
All right, this is embarrassing, man.
I mean, they're gonna point up at us and laugh at this shit.
Pirelli, this tape was designed by experts...
for maximum psychological effect.
You got no idea who you're fighting here.
You know more about it than American intelligence, Gene.
Rob, I wish you wouldn't use the words "American intelligence"...
to describe what it is that you do.
- Rob Diehl? - Yeah.
Hi. I'm Billy Covington.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. Welcome. - Thanks.
- Yeah, do you have some paperwork? - Yeah.
- Nice bat. - Billy's one of you guys.
Yeah. Thanks. So talk to 'em.
- Hi, guys. - Hey. What's happening?
What brings you here, Billy?
Well, I hear there's some good flying here, huh?
Good flying?
That's a thought. It depends on where you're coming from, man.
Where are you coming from?
I'm from LA, from the West Coast of the United States, man. Where you coming from?
I'm coming from the dark side of the moon.
And I'm going back there too, soon.
- Golden BB's coming for me. - Can I have my bat back?
No. Nomenclature: BB, golden. Ordnance: Personnel, Neely.
And what about the four rounds you can't see-
Pilot high jinks. It's their way of coping.
Pilot high jinks? This is psychotic behavior, man.
Well, here at Air America...
what's considered psychotic behavior anywhere else is just company polivy.
- Gene Ryack. - Hi.
Gene. Gene, how'd you feel about taking Billy on his orientation flight?
- Sure. It's okay with me if it's okay with you. - Good.
- Yeah. Let's get in the wind. - Okay, just give him the bat.
- This place is called Long Tieng, right? - That's right.
I put us right about here, but the map doesn't show a town here.
Well, then I guess, as old Rob says, "We're not here."
Which means you're not actually seeing the second biggest city in Laos-
built from scratch, incidentally, by the US government.
And we don't really run 400 flights a day out of here...
or ship a hundred tons of cargo, medicine, weapons...
platoons of local troops, like those guys over there.
"Anything, anywhere, anytime" - that's our motto.
Mainly we fly C-123s, Helio Couriers and Caribous-fairly normal machines.
But the real fun is playing with these freaky little aircraft here.
They're not even legal back in the States.
- Yeah? Well, this ain't the States. - Damn right.
Hey, what do you got today?
Peanut butter and mayo, salami. What do you got?
- Wife schedule. - Better not be.
You don't seem to be having much trouble with her.
Yeah. Well, I do all right up in the air.
It's down on the ground that I tend to fuck up.
Hey, you mind if I look at your logbook?
Nah.
Fourteen months of bush flying up in Canada.
- Bush flying? - Yeah. Bush flying.
Two months of crop dusting outside of Fresno.
Fresno? What a fucking hero you are.
Flew traffic for Eye in the Sky? You flew a chopper?
Excuse me. Is that an Uzi?
Hey, you know, that would make a great TV commercial, wouldn't it?
"Excuse me. Is that an Uzi?"
- "Why, yes, it is." - I can't believe this guy.
- "Self-defense is no laughing matter." - He says no war in Laos.
"That's why when it comes to number one, I pack an Uzi. Accept no substitutes."
- Show him your amulet, Gene. - Look at that.
- Yeah? What's in there? - To be honest, the ashes of my left big toe.
Got it shot off right through the floor of the cockpit.
- Not far from here, as a matter of fact- - You've been shot? You get shot here?
- Me and Babo had to crash-land. - They shoot at you here?
- Yeah. - He takes it home, cremates it...
- puts it in that little jar around his neck. - Wait a second.
No one told me anything about losing toes.
I remember the whole conversation. He never mentioned toe loss.
- Who? - The recruiter. He never-
Why didn't you get it sewed back on? They have doctors here.
Well, I could have, I suppose.
But I figured once a piece of me gets shot off, I don't really want it back anymore.
Besides, it's still with us in spirit.
- Yeah. - You understand?
Yeah. In spirit. Toe-ism.
Royal Asian Airlines flight 704 now arriving at Gate 12.
Morning. Glad you could make it, sir.
A United States senator in my backyard...
on a goddamn fact-finding mission, no less?
He's not gonna find out any facts, I promise.
He's certainly not gonna find out about our little deal.
Besides, he's a dimwit.
He had a tractor dealership before he got elected.
Hey. Harry Truman sold cheap suits in Missouri...
and he wound up dropping an atomic bomb, okay?
There we go. Get that.
- Welcome to Vientiane, Senator. - Thank you, Ambassador Barlow.
Senator Davenport, this is Major Lemond. I'm sure you've heard of him.
Oh, of course. Where's the uniform, Major?
Too hot for all those ribbons and braids, huh? You going civvy on us?
Well, I am civilian now, sir, but I'm still air force at heart.
Thank you very much. Put bag in big car.
- Senator- - I know. I know.
Sorry. No have local dinero. Give tip later, okay?
Senator, this is General Lu Soong...
the supreme commander of our local allied forces.
Hello.
Anybody home?
Get a load of Senator Tact here.
When you go to France, you have General de Gaulle carry luggage?
Rob, get the senator's bag.
I'll just take that, sir.
- Would you like me to take your jacket? - Thank you. Thank you.
All right, better lighten up on that stick. We're coming in for a landing.
Landing? Where?
- I guess I better show you. - Show me what? Landing where?
Oh, come on. That's not a strip. That's a mountain.
Give me full flap-three cranks.
Please don't do this.
Damn. That was great. How was it for you?
Yeah.
There's people in the woods! Guys!
- Hey, hey. No. I know them. I know them. - Who are they?
Well, as a matter off act, they're friends of my wife.
The little one's my brother-in-law with a business proposition.
Don't do that.
Gentlemen.
We have six crates of guns. We'll make you a great deal.
The Russians dropped them for the Pathet Lao.
We stole them.
Brand new.
I'll pay you 400 kip.
400? Go buy a slingshot.
800.
Okay.
600.
600. Take it.
Brother-in-laws are the same all over the world, huh?
He's bleeding me dry. But... deal.
This is supposed to be my initiation flight. You use it to run some private scam.
Welcome to the Orient.
This is not a scam. It's a retirement plan.
I've been flying 15 years and I haven't got a pot to piss in...
and I want my chunk of the American dream, okay?
Running guns.
Okay, this is the hard part.
Yeah, I notice. No radar.
That's right. Just dead reckoning.
I can handle it.
Good.
Hey, Gene, sit down. Hey, check this out.
It's pretty good, huh?
Well, hey!
Okay, we almost hit that at 3,700 feet.
- There any higher peaks than that around here? - Wait till you see this.
We're at 3,700 feet. There any higher peaks than 3,700 feet around here?
- Yeah. - I need a green.
- Don't use mine. Use yours. - Yes.
Listen, guys, we're gonna have to establish a new safety elevation.
- I was going for that. You did that on purpose. - I'll tell you the reason why.
The last time you colored the sky all flesh-colored. It looked stupid.
Are we south or east of the landing field? Guys!
Guys, are we south or east of the landing field?
East! Don't bother me when I'm coloring, all right?
- I'm gonna draw a line. Stay on your side. - It's my book.
You wanna draw in my book, you stay there. You're drawing over the lines.
Hey, Senator, let us show you the real Laos.
Sir, he's getting out.
Senator. Senator, wait a minute.
Senator, sir, those pilots are drunk.
No, son, they're not just drunk. They're drunk Americans.
Hey, fellas.
Hey, fellas, pitchin' a little woo, are ya?
Now, don't be embarrassed, fellas.
I know I may look like an old stick-in-the-mud.
But back before I found the Lord...
I partook of wine, women and song on a number of continents.
But on a serious note, fellas...
even though none of you’ll ever wear any shiny medals...
or be mentioned in the history books...
there's a few of us back in Washington...
who know exactly what you're doing for the war effort.
- This guy's great. - Yeah.
Could you explain it to us?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's just as heavy as Vietnam. - No, no, no, no.
You never compare the two.
Now, Vietnam is a war for niggers and no-necks.
Excuse the language. It's the Mai Tai talking.
But this is a gentleman's war.
This is a thinking man's war.
Hello.
Corinne Landreaux, this is Billy Covington.
She does all sorts of noble humanitarian things for our little Asian brothers up in the hills.
- Thanks. - Honey, I kid because I care. Okay?
You know what the whole problem with the Vietnam War is, Billy?
It's too public. See, a secret war is the way to go.
No reporters, no TV. You black out the war.
Like a pro football game.
And you know what? Do you know what?
We can't lose.
- Can I ask you one thing? - Yeah, sure.
Is it a kinky turn-on for you to bring your girlfriend to a whorehouse with you?
This is not just a whorehouse, friend.
- This is a place where men talk business. - Business?
I was just getting used to this being a war.
Excuse me.
Who told you they were two different things?
Rob, I need you outside now.
And I need you clear-headed, goddamn it.
Something on your mind, Rob?
I was just wondering what the Pepsi-Cola people would think...
if they knew what was happening here now that they're gone.
- Well, don't you ever wonder about that? - No, Rob, I don't.
I wonder how many pilots already know about this place.
This stuff's good. Really good, Major.
Do you want to try some?
With all due respect, General, I'm not here for a taste test, okay?
I am here to ask you again.
Please, let's shut this lab down for one week only, just while the senator is here.
Why don't you just tell baggage man senator to go home now, kick out?
Well, I wish it was that easy, General.
And in a civilized country like yours, it would be.
But in this case, it's just easier to shut down this lab.
Then you and me be poor men and cannot pay for war.
If we don't sell heroin, no money to feed my soldiers.
No, Major. Better you and me stay good friends.
You take care of silly suitcase man. Yes?
Of course, General.
As always, you are thinking more clearly than me.
Is there something wrong?
Just that I'm used to being the weirdest guy in the room...
and all of a sudden, I'm not even in the running.
Don't sell yourself short. You can be as weird as anyone here.
Sure, kid. All it takes is a little time.
I just feel like I'm on this roller coaster...
of bar girls and strange, squiggly signs and weird vehicles...
and more bar girls and Mai Tais-
- What the fuck am I doing here? - Hey, I ask myself that question all the time.
- Why am I here? - Why am I here?
Why am I here?
There you are-a little taste of the States. You feel better?
- Yeah. Everything’s back to normal now. - Good.
- Nice silencer. - I am a very considerate person.
If I wanna go out all night on my miniature golf course and shoot lizards...
well, no reason to keep the neighbors awake.
You follow me?
- You follow me, punk? - Yeah. At a distance.
You're all right. Fuckin' punk.
- Thank you. - Bet Jack’s the only man you ever met...
who built his own personal miniature golf course, huh?
Hey, I got a concept. What do you say you open this place up to the public...
and charge admission, Jack?
You guys can do that after I'm gone. I'm leaving it to y'all in my will.
Come on now, save it, will ya?
No, wait. Jack's got a point here. Come on, let's face it.
The old-timers aren't in line for any government pension.
Each pilot has to work out his own retirement scam.
- Hey, Gino. - Yo.
How's your floating guns and ammo shop doing?
You building up some inventory or what? Ain't you ever gonna sell?
Never make a move too soon, Nick.
- I got a foolproof scam. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I'm gonna take my money... You're gonna wind up back in Coney Island...
flying a Coppertone banner over the beach...
and telling war stories in bars.
The golden BB is coming up to Neely now
Coming up to Neely now
Why you do that?
Why the fuck did you do that?
- Take it easy! - You fucking moron!
- Professionalism. - Two shot.
How often do you guys go on a bender like this?
Bender? Nah, this isn't a bender. This is just nighttime.
O.V., wake Billy up. I gotta take him to work.
Up and at 'em, junior. Come on. Get up. Get up!
It's okay. The kid likes to fly.
Hey, hey!
Hey!
Fuck you, Gene!
Good morning!
- Gene. - Morning, Rob.
Morning. You pick up one Senator Davenport at the VIP lounge at the Vientiane Airport...
and you take him up to the refugee camp at Ben Luc.
Course you keep your lip completely zipped on the subject of this air base.
And if he's dying for a bit of local action, you just dazzle him with bullshit.
Well, we got nothing else to dazzle him with.
And it is such dazzling bullshit, Rob. See you later.
Listen, don't fuck around with the senator, okay?
- I don't know what you mean, Major. - Keep things on a need-to-know basis.
Oh, you mean treat him like a mushroom. Keep him in the dark and feed him on shit.
Hey, Gene, what's that guy doing to your plane, man?
He's purifying it. It's a Buddhist ritual.
Gene.
- Senator. - Is the secret air base around here?
Which secret air base would that be, sir?
Why do I get the feeling I'm being kept out of the loop?
What do I know? I'm only boy for carrying luggage bags.
Oh, now, please, General, don't pout about that. I apologized.
If anything, I should be carrying your luggage.
That's how much the United States government values your support.
I hear talk that maybe America stop war and leave Southeast Asia...
not take any suitcase with them.
General, if things get...
too hairy for us politically and we do have to bug out...
we'll bring you back to the States with us.
- We take care of our buddies. - You take care of shit.
I beg your pardon.
We've made Marshall Ky in Vietnam a very nice offer.
- Marshall Ky? - Yes, sir.
I know Marshall Ky. He's small-time.
He want to have liquor store in America when ending war.
I not going from being warlord to being liquor store owner.
Why don't you tell the senator what you really want, General?
Go ahead. Don't be bashful.
Holiday Inn. Southern California.
Own and operate.
That might be difficult.
- You find all this amusing, do you? - I sure do.
But hell, Senator...
if you can't laugh at war, what's the use of fighting, huh?
You got a good point there.
Excuse me. Wanna tell me what that tin horn general is doing in my camp?
Corinne, have you met US Senator Davenport?
Welcome, Senator.
I'm Corinne Landreaux, USAID.
May I show you around?
Bosses picked a hell of a spot to put you- right in the heart of opium country.
My first choice was Kansas. But apparently, it's unavailable.
- This is all mountains and poppy fields. - Yeah.
What do you figure you got here, two, three weeks?
Yeah. At best. And then we fold up tents and leave.
Noble work, Miss Landreaux.
- This is truly noble work. - Thank you, Senator.
Senator, I'll meet you back at the plane. I'll see you later, Corinne.
Thanks, Gene.
Look at that little devil operate.
General Soong's come here to shanghai all these men and boys for his private army.
Well, now, shanghai's an ugly word.
Well, how would you describe what he's doing?
- Well, I'd say he's showing a lot of charisma. - Charisma?
What you got to remember, Miss Landreaux, is these people have different values than you and I.
But the nice part is, we're all pulling together for the same cause.
The same cause.
General Soong's only cause is General Soong.
Don't you get it, Senator? The CIA flies drugs for him.
In return, he loans us his troops. Plus, he's kicking money back into the CIA-
You know what? You've been working your little fanny off...
in this hot sun for a darn good cause.
And God bless you for it. But you're starting to rave.
I think you need a little air conditioning.
Have a nice day, Senator. Thanks for coming.
You do me great honor for come to Nino's, excellency.
- Thank you, Nino. - Thank you. Thank you.
Now, frankly, gentlemen, I'm concerned.
We're not children in Congress. Now, we know General Song-
- Soong. - Soong.
Is up to some kind of hanky-panky with opium and whatnot.
Now, nobody's perfect, not even our allies.
But seriously...
when we hear rumors of Americans lining their own pockets with dope money...
gentlemen, that endangers this entire war.
Now, I wanna know the truth.
I'm afraid we've been keeping the truth from you, sir.
We have reason to suspect...
that our planes are being used to fly opium from the highlands...
down here to Vientiane, where it is processed into heroin.
Dear God. Christ.
Why wasn't I told about this before?
Senator, we've made a grave mistake.
We were trying to protect the good name of our pilots, sir.
You mean our pilots...
are involved in smuggling narcotics?
Not all of them, sir.
Just a few rotten apples.
They know we can't inspect every piece of cargo...
and so they take advantage of our trust.
- Do you know who they are? - We'll find out.
I pledge to you, sir...
we'll find those rotten apples.
Hey, General, what's the cargo?
None of your business.
Covington, your cargo's loaded.
Here's your copilot.
Enjoy the animals, fellas.
What?
I got a bad feeling this morning.
Don't worry about it. We're not gonna run into any golden BB's, okay?
- I'll be your good-luck charm. - Right.
No BB's, no bullets, no bombs.
Rice drop's coming up first, then the three little pigs.
There's no destination on this last cargo.
That General Soong guy was supervising the on-load.
What kind of cargo would that be?
Coming up to a 12:00.
All right, first drop zone's coming up.
Stand by.
All right, coming up on it.
Looking good. Airspeed's good.
Altitude's good.
Three, two, one.
Now.
Cargo's gone! It's gone! Kwahn's gone!
- Kwahn? - He went out the back.
- What do we do? Did he have a chute on? - No.
What do we do? We gonna go back for him?
- No. You never go back. Never go back. - What?
What do you mean? You just lost your kicker, man.
- You never go back. - Don't you get it?
- He just went out the back. - Keep it steady.
You meet someone, and then they die, you know-
They should wear chutes all the time.
Hey! Come on!
That's not funny, okay? That's not funny.
Hey, Billy, how's it going?
It's great.
Now, listen, Nino's serving up some lobster tonight...
but you gotta order it in advance.
- You up for some of that, Jack? - Lobster again?
Yeah, if I'm still alive, I'd like some lobster.
Good, good. I'll radio on ahead to make some reservations...
have Nino chill a bottle of Mâcon-Villages.
- 9:00 okay for you guys? - Yeah. Great.
- Roger that. - Peachy.
- Hell of a war, man. - Yeah.
340. 12:00 coming up.
Stand by.
Coming up on it.
Three, two, one.
Now.
Shit!
Ow! Jesus Christ!
Hey! Quit it!
Jesus!
- Who the hell's shooting at us? - Over here, everybody shoots at us.
All right, I'm not gonna die dropping pigs from the sky. That's not gonna happen.
- No! - The golden BB.
I knew it. I knew it.
Just a question of when.
The golden BB. I knew you were coming for me, you son of a bitch. I told you.
I saw it in the mirror this morning when I cut myself shaving-
bright as the sun-coming right at me.
We're hit! Number two! Jack, we're hit! Number two!
- Pull the extinguishers! - There goes an engine. Of course.
Hey, wake up, man! Check the oil pressure.
- Oil pressure. - Check the oil pressure. Oil pressure!
- Oil pressure dropping. - Okay, check number one.
Number one's okay.
Hey, is 9:30 okay at Nino's? He said he can't get us a table-
Gene, we're hit. We're badly hit. We're throwing fuel. We're going down.
- Are you still in gun range? - Yes!
Change your altitude and heading every few seconds. Jack, give me a location.
Hey, Jack! Got a minute? Location! Stop snoozing.
Two miles south of Tango Seven.
There's an old Jap airstrip just the other side of Tango Seven. Can you make it?
- Doubt it. - Come on, man. You can make it.
Geez! I'll make it.
- Come right 10 degrees. - Welcome back. Where you been?
Did I leave?
Wild Dog to Base. Wild Dog to Base.
Pilots in jeopardy over near Tango Seven. Am heading over there now.
Maintain course, Wild Dog. We'll send a recon plane.
Base to Wild Dog, do you copy?
Wild Dog to base, fuck off.
- Okay, where we at? - You see it?
- No, I don't see it. - Right there. 1:00.
Okay, I got it. Let's get the landing gear down. Let's go.
Coming down.
- Shit. - What?
It's not going down.
- Don't worry about it. Go to manual. - Got it.
- What do we got? - Nothing so far.
Okay, forget it. We're gonna jump. Kwahn! Put your chute on.
You too, Neely. Neely, let it go. Put on your parachute, man. Come on.
- I'm riding in with you. - No, you're not.
You're gonna listen to what I say. Put on your parachute. I want you off.
Kwahn, when I level out, you gotta jump, okay?
- I'm taking it in with you. - No, you're not.
The only thing God intended to drop from the sky is bird shit.
Yeah, I know. You and bird shit, okay?
Bird shit and you. That's a new amendment.
Bird shit and catatonic pilots. Jump!
Okay, he's off. You're next.
They say you're most vulnerable when you're floating down in a parachute.
Just my luck I'll get a golden BB right up my ass.
If it doesn't open, use your reserve.
- Suppose I don't have a reserve? - Okay, get off! Get off, man, please!
- You ass- - See you down there. Good luck.
I have never, ever, ever had to jump out of an airplane before.
I'm a fucking den mother.
Okay, can you run, man? Let's go.
What the fuck are you doing back here?
- I forgot my Nikon. - Yeah? Here it is.
- You gonna stop fucking with me? - Give me the camera!
- You gonna get off the plane? - Yeah!
You put on your parachute!
I'm afraid of heights.
Okay. Jump!
Jump!
Bye now.
Oh, shit!
Shit!
Oh, God-
Come in, Billy. Billy, come in. Give me voice, please.
Hey, Neely, are you satisfied or disappointed that we're still alive?
The jungle is full of Communist soldiers and bandits and tribes of fucking headhunters, okay?
- We're not alive yet. - Okay.
- Want a piece of Juicy Fruit? - No, I do not.
- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
- We going home. - Soon, Kwahn.
No. We going home now. Look.
Look. We going home.
Hey.
Good afternoon.
Yep.
Hi there, General.
Yeah, I guess you missed us back there, huh?
Sure is nice to see some friendlies around here...
I'll tell you, man.
Got a couple dings on it.
Sure hope they don't take it out of my paycheck, you know.
Yeah. Nothing a couple days in the shop won't fix, I guess.
Let me give you a hand here.
Guess you're in a hurry, huh? Wouldn't wanna stick around here too long, huh?
God, these are heavy.
Gonna be a tight squeeze, huh?
Hey, man. Come on, guys.
Hey, what about us?
Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Hey!
You're not taking us?
- Let it go, Billy. - Goddamn it!
Stop!
We no go home now.
Opium go home now.
What? There was opium on that?
You said it-opium.
And he took his opium instead of us?
You helped him load it, pal.
Hey, fellas, when we get to the strip, you go north and I'll search this side.
We'll find 'em. And if we hurry, we can still make that 9:30 table at Nino's.
Sounds good, Gene. We'll see you there.
Come on. Where is everybody?
Quit it, okay?
There's a little trouble off your right wing down there in the jungle, boys.
We got the other team moving in on our buddies-crawling with black pajamas.
Billy, move!
Hey, Pirelli!
I'm quitting.
- Got any extra holes in you? - No.
Wild Dog to Base. Wild Dog to Base. Unfriendlies near Tango Seven.
Unfriendlies? Everyone's unfriendly here! Even the friendlies are unfriendly.
- Why is everyone so unfriendly? - Well, they haven't gotten to know us yet.
- Why are they shootin' at us? - Because they're unfriendly.
- You're losing oil pressure in the gearbox. - That's nothing. I lost tail rotor response.
Put your belt on.
I don't wanna crash twice in one day!
Don't worry. I crash better than anyone I know.
- Gene! You're at 40! - Yup.
- You're redlining! - Yup.
- Gene, watch the controls! You're redlining! - Yeah.
Gene, you gotta auto rotate now!
Wild Dog to Base! We're going in, approximately 3/4 of a mile southwest of Tango Seven.
Hell of a rescue, huh?
I thought you had this helicopter blessed this morning.
I did. I had a feeling the monk wasn't concentrating that well.
There's no two ways about it, you know? We gotta drop.
- No, man. - Yeah. We gotta drop. We're sniper bait.
What's the procedure? Who goes first?
There's not really any hard and fast rules about crashing straight through a cockpit.
- Why don't you go first? - No, I don't wanna go first.
- Okay, okay. I'll go first. - No, I don't wanna go second.
All right. Okay. We'll toss a coin.
- Call. - Tails.
- Is that heads? Tails? What is that? - Tails.
- That's heads, isn't it? - That's tails.
I'll go and look, okay?
Come on. Pretty soft.
I hate going second.
That fall seemed to go pretty well, all things considered.
- We should get moving. - Okay. Okay.
- Can you walk? - Walk? What do you mean, walk?
We're in the middle of the goddamn jungle.
Give me voice. Gene, Billy, give me voice.
Gene, Billy, it's Jack. Come in.
Come on, guys. Let me hear from you. Over.
Pirelli to Gene. Pirelli to Billy. Where are you? Over.
Billy, Gene. Do you read me?
You know, I swiped some things when I was a kid.
Wiffle Balls, model airplanes, stuff like that.
I've used a fake I.D. to drink underage. I've smoked a little reefer.
I've performed oral sex in states where it's against the law.
But until I worked for my own government, I never, ever, smuggled dope.
Hey, we're not smugglers. We're just pack mules.
Look, no one's ever won a war in this part of the world without the control of the opium trade.
We just help General Soong get his local crop to market, and he helps us fight the war.
It's as simple as that.
Don't give me that cooled-out Buddhist cowboy shit!
Our government's running a war with drug money...
and over there, across the border in Vietnam...
our G.I.s are getting strung out on this stuff.
You know, you might as well be dropping rattlesnakes in a school yard, man!
You tell me that it doesn't bother you in your soul?
Hey, leave my soul out of this, will you?
Anyway, we don't officially work for the US government, remember?
Well, everybody knows who's running the show here. What's the big secret?
What happens if we say CIA? Does the whole sky fall in?
Let's change our course. With some luck, we'll be out of here by the morning.
How many more miles?
Been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can't remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
Now, look. When that sales rep from Bell Helicopter gets here tomorrow...
don't slobber all over him right from the get-go-
the way you did with that asshole from Dow Chemicals.
Nice and easy. You bring him here, vintage wine, blah, blah, blah...
elegant dining, get him blown at the White Rose.
Then at the end of the night, brandy, espresso...
then you hit him up for the two free choppers.
I'm a little nervous about it. I mean-
I hear about your pilots shooted down.
I hope they safe. I pray for them.
Thank you, Nino. Every little prayer helps.
Give you no pain
I have to have coffee with Davenport.
What should I do? Vamp for a little more time?
I tell you what. I'll do what you say. I'll take him to the White Rose, get him blown.
- No! - No, what?
Davenport runs the Senate prayer group.
With a guy like that, you don't bring up the subject of blowjobs.
You wait for him to bring it up.
Jesus! Again?
Restaurant closed! Health violation!
All go home now. All finished!
Everybody go now. Free dinner! Nobody pay!
I do business with round eyes all my life!
- What you doing? - For sure, no Corsican fuck me!
You crazy!
I picked up stuff from crashed plane, in bad danger!
You men in Vientiane don't want to pay same as last time?
Stop! No more break things, General.
You understand?
Now I tell you something.
I talk to Marseilles. I talk to New York.
They say opium not so good this year.
They say heroin been cut with baking powder.
So who fucking who, eh, General?
No, no. I no gonna pay you same-same, you give me shit!
Nino! You listen to me. Okay?
Nino, you pay same-same...
or you will never use any of my airplanes again.
Okay. Okay. Pay same-same.
So this is the face of modern Communism?
Wrong again. A devout Communist carries an AK-47...
and these guys have got the oldest weapons known to man.
Look at 'em. No, these are hillbillies, kind of like Kentucky moonshiners.
And they're pissed about something.
They don't cotton to outsiders, I guess.
How's the conversation coming?
- I'm surprised they haven't knocked us off yet. - Surprised, huh?
- Yeah. - How come you're so relaxed, man?
Maybe you don't get this, but when you die, that's it. All right? It's over.
- End of story. Blackness. - Yeah.
They stick you in a box, cover you up with dirt...
and don't even let you out of it for weekends.
- It's really depressing. - Right. Nothing.
- Buddha says- - Stop with the Buddha thing, all right?
I just don't believe that a true Buddhist would be in the gun-running business, okay?
You're a hustler, man. All right, you cover it up with a little jasmine incense...
you call it Eastern religion, but you're a hustler.
I didn't say I was a good Buddhist.
They're gonna do it.
No need to speed things up.
Those guns are all wrong for rainy conditions.
What you need is some good, all-weather weapons.
The French designed those guns for desert warfare.
Get back.
I hope you didn't pay more than two pigs for them.
A cow.
I know.
A cow?
A cow? For that lousy flintlock?
You got ripped off, man.
Can you believe it? This guy swapped a cow for this gun. Don't you find that hysterical?
Have you tried it in the rain?
My point exactly.
For all-weather guns at rock bottom prices...
we'll go see my brother-in-law.
Two days walk.
What do you say?
Gentlemen, these guns are cherry.
Deal.
Hello! Hello, May Ling!
- Hello? - Gene!
- I miss you. - I couldn't tell.
Where are the kids?
Hey.
Oh, Billy, May Ling.
My wife.
Come on into civilization and get cleaned up.
You don't look like the kind of guy that'd live in a place like this.
Well, never look at looks. Looks will fool you every time.
What the fuck are you doin' here, man?
Do you believe in this war?
You know, I used to believe in all these wars.
See, I had this theory once.
I believed in the politics of Saturday night.
- Yeah? - I rated all governments and countries...
by how good or bad their Saturday nights were, and I-
I knew that Moscow and Peking had to be a stone drag at that time of the week.
So I was flyin' for a cause.
I was fightin' to defend chicken barbecues...
and weenie roasts and Ray Charles songs...
and drinkin' Southern Comfort till you pass out behind the bar.
Politics of Saturday night.
- I can relate to that theory. - Yeah, it's not bad, is it?
Just not particularly true, that's all.
I hear they party pretty hard in Moscow.
No need to give up a good theory just because it isn't true.
Yeah.
So why don't you go home?
Look at me. Look at Neely, the rest of us. We're all a bunch of trouble junkies...
and we've been mainlining danger and adrenaline for so long that nothing else gets us off.
It's kind of sick.
Quit before you pick up the habit. And you will.
You'll pick up the habit. You'll get to like it.
Go back to LA and be the weirdest guy in the room again. What do you think?
Just gonna take care of a couple of things first.
You wanna get even. You wanna get even.
With who? Rob? General Soong?
Hey, forget it, will you? This is the Orient.
What Soong did to you was nothing. Nothing.
I've seen things here that I could never possibly have imagined.
And I'm a guy with a pretty broad imagination.
Why don't you just go home?
What we have here, Senator, is one of the most famous temples in Laos.
Gentlemen, I've been here four days.
I've seen 19 Buddhas, three tailor shops, a silk factory...
but you haven't told me one new thing about the dope trade.
Now, I'm leaving soon, and I'm not going back empty-handed.
I'd better go back to D.C. with a couple of heads on the platter.
Otherwise the rumors alone would kill you on the Hill.
Rumors? Who are you hearing rumors from, sir?
You heard the man, Rob. Heads on a platter.
All right. Easy now!
Move it!
That looks like Paul Bunyan's condom.
That is the whole point of air-dropping them, Pirelli.
Penis size is very important to Asian people.
So if we can convince them...
that Americans use this jumbo size...
then their men will start to fear us.
Okay? Okay. You're excused.
Oh, guys, guys-One more thing, guys.
The body of Jack Neely was recovered last night by Allied soldiers on patrol.
Apparently, he was shot down by Pathet Lao soldiers...
while on rescue recon for Covington and Ryack.
I understand how you guys must feel...
but in the interest of base security...
I have to remind you to be absolutely quiet about this-
Rob!
Before you tell us to keep quiet again, could we please have a moment of silence?
"Visit colorful native village." That's what my schedule reads, Gene...
but we've been here nearly six hours.
I think we could safely say I visited it.
I'm sorry, Senator. They're nearly finished.
What is that thing, Gene? A boat?
Sort of.
Gene, you strange man.
Thank you for noticing, General.
You love old ways, Asian ways.
But General Soong love tomorrow ways...
modern world.
Yes.
I think our friend here is a little tipsy.
Yeah.
He's high on America too. I've seen it before.
That's a... stronger high than whiskey. It's a bigger high than opium.
Our friend is stoned on dreams of the USA.
Gene, a moment ago, you mentioned opium.
So now tell me, and just let the chips fall where they may.
Is it true Jack Neely was flying dope when he went down?
- Let's take this back to the plane. Gentlemen. - You takin' that kayak with you?
It's not a kayak, Senator. This is Jack Neely's coffin.
I promised him I'd make sure they didn't send him home back to Texas in a body bag.
And no, he wasn't flying dope.
General, wake up!
Hey, I'm here to drink to Jack Neely. Is anybody gonna join me?
- Here you go. - Yeah, all right.
- To Jack. - To Jack.
He wouldn't want it any other way. He'd been real pissed to die in bed.
I'm leaving, guys. I'm sending May Ling and the kids on ahead.
What the fuck you talkin' about? Where you gonna go?
I got a buyer for all my guns.
I'm gonna go around, pick up all my stashes and get rid of 'em in one hit.
What are you gonna do? Become some fuckin' gentleman farmer in Thailand?
- Yeah. - What about the rest of us, Gino?
Are we supposed to go back to Dry Crotch, South Dakota and sell aluminum siding?
- Really. - Shit, they're gonna shut this war down anyway.
There'll be another new war opening soon in a theater near you.
- You can bank on it. - Promise?
- I promise. - I heard that.
Gentlemen, I just spent the day with the senator...
and the spooks, they're lookin' for some fall guys...
so be careful, huh?
See you tomorrow.
- Hey. - Hi.
Where you been?
- Just around. - Yeah?
Oh, we did some shopping on the black market.
Got some grenades. Now I'm gonna go have some fun.
- Fun? - Yeah, I'm gonna have some big fun. Serious fun.
- Yeah. - Lots of noise.
Hey, this doesn't sound like well-planned fun.
No. Like I said, down on the ground is where I tend to fuck up.
- I wouldn't do this if I was you. - Yeah, I know.
But then, you wouldn't do anything.
See you later. It's Pepsi time.
Can I have a soda?
I know who doing this. That fucking new kid doing this!
The guard saw him running away.
Word on the street, Major, is it's Communist sabotage.
Gentlemen, right now I don't give a rat's ass who tried to blow this place up.
The point is, this whole operation...
is about to blow up in our faces right when the senator is here.
We need to give Davenport a head on a platter, right now.
General, if I might beg your indulgence.
Could I have the use of two kilos?
Here you go.
These two kilos are for the cause.
Yes, sir.
That's right, Charlie. C-123 just for me, personal use here.
- That's a hell of a big plane for personal use. - Exactly.
Guess you got a buyer for all your weapons?
Nail on head, Charlie.
- Hi, Charlie. - Hey. How's it goin'?
- Hey. How you doin'? - Very well.
Good. What are you takin' today?
I'm taking flour sacks over to Viengthong in the Porter.
- Right. - That's right near Tango Seven.
Planning on crashing any more airplanes on the runway today?
- Not today. - Nope? That's good.
You already cost this company enough as it is.
- Thank you, Charlie. - Sure.
I don't know quite what you're talking about. What does that mean?
- Feel better now? - So much better.
Yeah, there was a cloud of opium smoke over the town last night, got everybody stoned.
And they actually shut that plant down for three whole hours.
Didn't start again till early this morning.
That's the way it is.
- Okay, Gene. - Okay.
- How we doin'? We set? - Okay. All set.
Viengthong, huh?
You! You! Move truck out. Quick!
Keep moving, Audrey. Come on.
Come on! Get going! Hurry up!
- Hey! Wait a minute! Hey! - You get truck out!
Calm down. You'll get your opium fields.
Now, we're gonna need a few more hours to move 'em out of here.
Get them out!
Easy. Hurry up! Come on!
Base to Stagger Lee. Base to Stagger Lee. Come in.
Stagger Lee to Base. Over.
Slight change in your flight plans, Stagger Lee. Hold off on the drop.
We want you to take her down to LS-18 for a routine inspection.
- Routine inspection? - That's affirmative, Stagger Lee.
- We don't make 'em up. We just read 'em. - Check. Heading towards LS-18.
Hey, Babo, I'm going over to LS-18 for routine inspection.
- Routine inspection? - Yup.
Never heard of it.
Then it ain't routine.
- Babo, check your cargo. - What's up?
I don't know. Something's up. Check the cargo, will you?
Well, I hope to God our information is wrong, Senator.
It would break my heart if we found heroin on that plane.
On the other hand, sir, the pilot is a young man from California.
Oh, I see. Caught up in all that doggone youth culture bit, huh?
Boy, all those years of rock and roll.
Still and all, he is only one young man.
How come we need all these fellas helpin' out?
Well, pilots are tough men, Senator.
This one might resist, with force.
If our information is correct, he is a cool and ruthless customer.
Hey, Billy, I got nothing back here.
Listen, man. We're being set up, okay? Keep looking.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious. Cut 'em open.
- What do you got? - Nothing.
Come on. Hurry up!
Got it.
God, I knew it! I knew it.
Look at those bastards down there, just waitin' for us.
- Damn. Looks like they want us busted. - Dead and busted.
Oh, no.
Somebody messed with that fuel gauge, 'cause we're runnin' out.
Forget this. I'm gonna go for that abandoned airstrip over by Tango Seven.
Wait a minute, Billy.
If they’re waitin' for us down here, they can follow us to Tango Seven.
- We'll figure something out. - No, no. Don't say "we," man...
'cause I'm 42 years old and I never figured out anything in my whole fuckin' life.
- He's not landing, Rob. - He's got to, sir. He's only got enough fuel to-
Start 'em up. Let's go after 'em.
We're VSF, man. We're VSF!
- What? - Very Severely Fucked!
Good flying, Covington. Ever do any valet parking?
Looks like we're gonna make it.
But what the hell are we gonna do once we get on the ground, huh?
I'm workin' on it.
Come on. Come on!
- You're going pretty fast, Covington. - Hold on!
Hold on?
Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!
- Goddamn it! What are you doing? - Shut up!
- What are you, nuts? - Get your head down, now!
- What- - Get down!
- See, I never would have thought of that. - Yeah, it just came to me.
I'm gonna buy you some beers.
Lousy week, man.
- Lousy week. - Gene. Come in, Gene.
Come in, Gene.
- Bullshit. - Gene, come in.
- Excuse me for a minute. - You there?
Gene, this is Babo. Gene, come in.
Yeah, this is Gene. What? What do you want?
He what? He what? He did it again?
Son of bitch! Can't he keep the thing in the air?
Well, I'll think about it.
Come on.
No. No more money. Speak English.
- Where did he go, Rob? - I don't know!
Senator, I'm afraid we've lost him.
Well, maybe my trip hasn't been a complete loss.
Maybe I found those rotten apples after all.
Beg your pardon, sir?
You know, I may wear short pants in the jungle...
say things like "gosh darn" and "deep doo-doo"...
but I sure know a frame-up when I see one.
- Unless my eyes deceive me- - Oh, they probably do!
Now look here, pal. I know you were a highly decorated soldier-
Senator, kiss my highly decorated ass!
I've been trying to make it easy for you, but there's just no way to please you people.
I tell you what. You go back to Washington...
you take a cab from the airport right straight to the White House...
and you just pour your heart out about what you think you saw over here.
And then you stand back and watch the slow, painful death of your political career.
You can't touch me without cutting your own throat!
You know why?
Because the president loves my ass!
You really are second level, Rob.
We go home now!
Hey! Glad you could make it.
- Where's your bus? - It's a... long story.
Well, it's my last stop, boys.
One more pickup, then I off-load. Home free.
It's gravy from there on in.
Hey, I had a map around here someplace where the stops were marked in crayon.
- You seen it? - Yeah, here it is.
Navigate me to sky blue, please.
Did you check all the friendlies down there?
Yeah, that's Soong's troops. I've been listening to them all morning.
They're marching in to take over the poppy fields.
He's shittin' kittens 'cause he thinks someone else is gonna get there first.
It's right by that refugee camp too.
Yeah, that's where the poppies are.
Corinne, there's no more trucks. There's no more choppers.
- You get on. Go ahead. - Come on!
No, you go ahead. I gotta call. Go!
- Corinne! - Go!
Mayday! Mayday! This is Scout Camp One.
Enemy troops are moving in on General Soong and we're caught in the cross fire.
Request immediate assistance.
Mayday! Mayday! This is Scout Camp One.
Scout Camp One requesting assistance.
Mayday. We're under heavy mortar fire. Do you read?
This is Pirelli. We're 15 minutes away.
Is anyone closer?
We're gonna head in if nobody is closer. Call us, please.
Anyone nearby?
Mayday. Mayday. We're out to all aircraft.
Heavy mortar fire at Scout Camp One.
Do you read? All aircraft.
Saunders and Pirelli are nearly as close as we are. They can get her.
Yeah, we're only about five minutes closer. Five minutes at most.
- Seriously, I looked- - Shut up, will ya?
- What? - Look, I planned this day for a long time.
- I got it all worked out. - I was agreeing-
I haven't got time to pick up lost social workers in the jungle, okay?
She chose to be there. I'm not saying you have to take care of her.
I did my Boy Scout shit when I picked you two guys up.
- I appreciate it. - Well, thank you!
- I appreciate it. - She knew what she was doin' when she got-
Oh, goddamn it!
Five minutes isn't gonna kill us.
She's skinny. We can fit her in the back with the machine guns.
- Give me a heading, will you? - 160.
- Are you sure? It's a tight squeeze back there. - Shut up!
And keep your hands off the wheel. We know what happens when you fly.
We haven't heard. Is anybody gonna go in? Please, come in.
Sorry, Pirelli. I was in a phone booth, changing clothes. We'll get her.
Jesus.
Yeah, this was a good idea of yours, wasn't it?
I knew you guys would make it.
If you give me a hand, I think we can get everybody on board.
No. We just came back for you.
He can't bring these people. He's fully loaded back there.
- Well, dump the fucking cargo! - No, that's a big problem.
Billy, I brought all these people here. I'm not leaving without them.
Well, let's get this kid and get out of here. Come on!
Come on.
Come on!
Let's go, let's go, let's go. Get on the plane!
I'm not leaving without these people.
Hey, we came here to get you. Now get on the fuckin' plane.
Dump your cargo.
Jesus.
One minute.
Gene, I got a crazy idea.
Let's just dump the cargo and take the refugees instead.
- Oh, great. Great! - Come on. Do me a favor.
- We'd better hurry. - You've gotta do it...
or else you're just another version of Major Lemond with a slightly hipper rap.
Knock it off, will ya?
Goddamn it.
Hey, Mother Teresa!
I was gonna do it anyway. I just hate being lectured.
Okay. That's it.
"Slightly hipper rap"? Slightly-
Let's go. Come on, come on, come on. Quickly. Quickly.
You better hop up front and give it some stick.
Those shells are getting accurate.
Afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome about Air America flight number 1.
On behalf of our flight crew-
We'll turn off those fasten seat belt signs after we get out of gun range.
We'd like to apologize for that ground delay.
Captain Ryack was experiencing some material turbulence.
We'll be serving some light refreshments and entertainment on Channel 3...
by that new group, Gene Ryack and the Redemption-
tops in rock and roll.
Currently, our captain is figuring out...
how to tell his family that he misplaced their nest egg.
Meanwhile, our flight plan today...
takes us over the Plain of Jars, Anaheim, Azusa and the Mekong Delta...
leading us down into-
Where are we goin'? What are we gonna do?
You're gonna help me get the cash back I lost when you made me dump off my cargo.
- Made you dump your cargo? - Yes.
I didn't make you dump your cargo. I merely suggested.
Do not blame me for the single decent act of your adult life, okay?
Besides, where are we gonna get that kind of money? You out of your mind?
Down here at Crazy Gene's Used Airplanes, people think we're out of our minds...
since we slashed the prices on our used C-123s.
You got a private army to get into a battle... Forget it.
Or you wanna rent some guns, you find you're hassled by those pesky border guards.
Gene! You can't sell the plane. It's US government property.
The US government doesn't exist in Laos, and neither does this plane.
Good point.
So just sit back, relax, and we'll do what we do best.
We fly.