INTERVIEWER: Right...
Questions, here we are.
Yeah, has anything come up since the last meetings?
Any after thoughts?
PRINCESS DIANA:
Well, only about being accused very early on
of stopping him hunting and shooting.
Your first memory after being born?
Anything as a child?
I mean, it was a very unhappy childhood.
I remember seeing my father slap my mother across the face
and I was hiding behind a door.
And she was crying.
The press were being unbearable
following my every move.
He sat me down and he said, "Will you marry me?"
I thought the whole thing was hysterical, getting married.
It was so grown up.
And here was Diana, a kindergarten teacher.
I mean, the whole thing was ridiculous.
I once heard him on the telephone saying,
"Whatever happens, I'll always love you."
And I told him I'd listened at the door.
We had a filthy row.
And I realized I had taken on an enormous role
but I had no idea what I was going into.
But no idea.
I remember him coming to Althorp to stay.
He came with his labrador.
My sister was all over him like a bad rash.
I thought, "God, he must really hate that."
And I kept out the way.
I remember being a fat, podgy, non-makeup, unsmart lady
but I made a lot of noise and he liked that.
And he just came up to me after dinner, we had a big dance
and he said, "Will you show me the gallery?"
For a 16-year-old, for someone like that to show any attention was just so...
sort of amazed.
"Why would anyone like him be interested in me?"
Anyway, that was it for about two years.
Saw him off and on with Sarah.
Sarah got frightfully excited about the whole thing.
Then she saw something different happening...
which I hadn't twigged on to.
When he had his 30th birthday dance, I was asked too.
"Well, why is Diana coming as well?"
And I said, "Well, I don't know, but I'd like to come."
"Oh, all right."
And I had a very nice time at the dance.
Fascinating.
I was asked to stay with the de Passes in July by Philip de Pass.
"Would you like to come 'cause we've got Prince of Wales staying and..."
"...you're young blood, you might amuse him."
So I said, "Okay."
The first night, we sat down on a bale
and I said, you know, "You looked so sad..."
"...when you walked up the aisle at St. Paul's..."
...with Lord Mountbatten's funeral."
And I said, "My heart bled for you, I watched you."
"I thought, 'This is wrong, you are lonely.'"
You should be with somebody to look after you, etcetera."
And the next minute he leapt on me, practically.
And it was very strange because it was almost as if...
Like a... it wasn't a magnet effect.
I thought, "Well, this isn't very cool."
I thought men were supposed to not to be so obvious.
But I hadn't got anything to go by because I'd never had a boyfriend.
I'd always kept them away.
Thought they were all trouble and I couldn't handle it.
Emotionally, I was very screwed up, I thought.
And he said, "Oh, you must come to London with me tomorrow.
"I've got to go and work at Buckingham Palace."
I thought, "This is too much."
I said, "No, I can't, I'm sorry."
I thought, "How will I explain me presence..."
"...at Buckingham Palace when I'm supposed to be staying with Philip?"
And then it sort of built up from there.
Charles used to ring me up and say, "Would you like to come for a walk?"
"Would you like to come for barbecues?"
So I said, "Yes, please."
I thought this was all wonderful.
INTERVIEWER:
A lot of admiration for an episode on the riverbank at Balmoral
when you looked at the press through your mirror.
Did you know that was going to happen?
INTERVIEWER: Have you ever had feedback
on who you first spoke to or what you first...
Your first memory after being born?
Anything as a child?
It's really the smell of the inside of my pram.
What did it smell of?
Children's parties...
How did you first learn about the divorce?
INTERVIEWER: As a child, any ideas of futures or ambitions?
No.
Always felt very different from everyone else.
Very detached.
Had no idea where.
And said to my father when I was the age of 13,
"I know I'm going to marry someone in the public eye."
"I don't know which way."
-At 13? -Yes.
Thinking an ambassador's wife, actually.
Not the top one.
It was nice being in a flat with girls, you know, I loved that.
It was great, laughed my head off there.
DIANA'S KENSINGTON FLATMATES
My three girls were wonderful.
Star performers, loyalty beyond belief.
I kept myself to myself.
I wasn't interested in having a full diary.
By the time I got to the top of the school
all my friends had boyfriends.
But not me.
I knew somehow I had to keep myself very tidy
for whatever was coming my way.
INTERVIEWER: Any chases involving the media in the car?
Oh, lots of them.
But I always made sure that I went through
just as the light was going to red.
So they were very stuck.
Sometimes I cycled, some days I didn't.
Did they chase you on the bike?
Oh, they chased me everywhere.
We're talking about thirty of them, we're not talking about two.
JANUARY 1981 KLOSTERS, SWITZERLAND
Charles rang me up from Klosters, saying, "I've got something to ask you."
Instinct in a female, you know what's coming.
Anyway, I sat up all night with my girls, saying,
"What do I do? What do I say?"
By that time I had realized there was somebody else around.
I'd been staying at Bolehyde with the Parker Bowleses an awful lot.
I couldn't understand why Camilla kept saying to me,
"Don't do this, don't do that."
She knew so much about what he was doing privately.
Eventually I worked it all out.
The next day I went to Windsor,
I arrived about sort of 5 o'clock.
He sat me down and he said, "Will you marry me?"
And I laughed.
I remember thinking, "This is a joke."
So I said, "Yeah, okay."
And he was deadly serious.
And he said, "You do realize that one day you will be Queen."
A voice said to me inside,
"You won't be Queen, but you'll have a tough role."
So I thought to myself, "Okay."
So I said, "Yes."
And I said, "I love you so much, I love you so much."
And he said, "Whatever love means."
Said it then.
So I thought that was great!
I thought he meant that.
How much thought did you really give the proposal?
A lot, actually.
In my immaturity, which was enormous
I thought he was very much in love with me
which he was, he sort of had the besotted look about him
looking back at it, but it wasn't the genuine sort.
You know, "Who is this girl who's so different?"
But he couldn't understand it
'cause his immaturity is quite good in that department.
And um...
It was like a call for duty, really.
Go and work with people.
Whenever he rang me up, he said, "Poor Camilla Parker Bowles."
"I've had her on the telephone tonight..."
"...and she says there's lots of press at Bolehyde."
"She's having a very rough time.
And I never complained about the press to him
because I didn't think it was my position to do so.
And I said, "How many press are out there?"
He said, "Oh, at least four."
And I thought, "My God, there's 34 out here."
But I never told him.
CLARENCE HOUSE ROYAL RESIDENCE
INTERVIEWER:
Do you remember what your first ever memory was?
You may recall a picture of me sobbing in a red coat
when he went off on his aeroplane.
That was nothing to do with him going.
The most awful thing had happened before he went.
I was in his study talking to him about his trip.
The telephone rang. It was Camilla.
Just before he was going for five weeks.
So I thought, "Shall I be nice or shall I just sit here?"
So I thought I'd be nice, so I left them to it.
And it just broke my heart, that.
So, I organized lunch.
We had lunch, and...
very tricky, very tricky indeed.
She said, "You're not going to hunt, are you?"
I said, "No."
"Oh, I just wanted to know that."
But as far as she was concerned that was her communication.
I was still too immature to understand all the messages coming my way.
And then someone in his office told me
that my husband has had a bracelet made for her.
I walked into this man's office one day
and I said, "Ooh, what's in that parcel?"
"Oh," he said, "you shouldn't look at that."
I said, "Well, I'm going to look at it."
So, I opened it and there was the bracelet.
I was devastated.
And he said, "Well, he's going to give it to her tonight."
So, rage, rage, rage. You know, "Why can't you be honest with me?"
But, no, absolutely cut me dead.
It was as if he's made his decision
and if it wasn't going to work, it wasn't going to work.
He's found the virgin, the sacrificial lamb
and in a way he was obsessed with me
but it was hot and cold, hot and cold.
You never knew what mood it was going to be.
Up and down, up and down.
I went upstairs, had lunch with my sisters who were there.
And I said, "I can't marry him. I can't do this."
"This is absolutely unbelievable."
And they were wonderful and said,
"Well, bad luck, Duch, your face is on the tea towel..."
"...so you're too late to chicken out."
The day we got engaged I had literally one long dress
one silk shirt, one smart pair of shoes and that was it.
So, suddenly, my mother and I had to go and buy six of everything.
Bear in mind, you have to change four times a day.
Suddenly, your wardrobe expands into something unbelievable.
LONDON ONE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING
Lady Sarah Spencer was there to give a sister's opinion of the wedding dress.
ELIZABETH AND DAVID EMANUEL WEDDING DRESS DESIGNERS
The bulimia started the week after we got engaged.
My husband put his hand on my waistline and said,
"Oooh, a bit chubby here, aren't we?"
And that triggered off something in me.
And I remember the first time I made myself sick, I was so thrilled.
Because I thought, "Right, this is the release, the tension."
The first time I got measured for my
wedding dress, I was 29 around the waist.
The day I got married, I was 23 and a half.
I'd shrunk into nothing.
The public side was very different, obviously, from the private side.
The public side, they wanted a fairy princess.
Touch them and everything would turn into gold
and all their worries would be forgotten.
Little did they realize that the individual was crucifying herself inside
because she didn't think she was good enough.
Why me? Why all this publicity?
INTERVIEWER: Did your father say anything to you in the coach?
I think the worst day of my life.
It was a wonderful feeling, everybody hoorayed, everybody happy
and everybody happy because they thought we were happy
and there was a big question mark in my mind.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE ROYAL RESIDENCE
Overwhelming, what we saw.
So humble-making.
Thousands and thousands of people, happy.
It was just wonderful.
I realized I had taken on an enormous role.
But I had no idea what I was going into.
But no idea.
My husband took eight Laurens van der Post
novels along on our honeymoon.
INTERVIEWER: To prop the bed up?
Well, no, to read.
BRITANNIA, THE ROYAL YACHT PORT OF GIBRALTAR
I remember crying my heart out on my honeymoon.
I was so tired.
For all the wrong reasons. Totally.
We were opening our diaries to discuss various things.
Out comes two pictures of Camilla.
And on our honeymoon...
cufflinks arrive on his wrists.
Two 'C's entwined like the Chanel 'C.'
Got it in one. Knew exactly.
So, I said, "Camilla gave you those, didn't she?"
He said, "Yes, so what's wrong? They're a present from a friend."
And, boy, did we have a row.
Jealously, total jealousy.
And it was such a good idea, the two 'C's.
But it wasn't that clever.
By then, the bulimia was appalling
absolutely appalling, it was rife,
it was four times a day on the yacht.
Anything I could find, I would gobble up and be sick two minutes later.
We survived that all right.
Then we went off to Balmoral straight from the yacht.
BALMORAL CASTLE ROYAL FAMILY'S SCOTTISH HOME
REPORTER: May we ask, are you having a good holiday, sir?
Every now and then, yes.
REPORTER: Madam, how are you enjoying married life?
It's highly recommended.
How do you like Balmoral as a place?
It's lovely, it's beautiful.
Have you cooked a breakfast yet?
I don't eat breakfast.
All the analysts and psychiatrists you can
ever dream of came plodding in.
Tried to sort me out.
Put me on high doses of Valium.
It was me telling them what I needed.
They were telling me, "Pills."
Got to keep them happy, they could go to bed at night and sleep
knowing the Princess of Wales wasn't going to stab anyone.
Princes Diana travels with Prince Charles to Wales
for her first official visit as a member of the Royal Family.
Went to Wales for three days
to do our visit as Prince and Princess of Wales.
Being terribly sick, carrying this child.
Hadn't told the world I was pregnant.
Rained the whole time around Wales.
I wasn't easy.
I cried a lot in the car, saying I couldn't get out.
I couldn't cope with the crowds.
"Why had they come to see us? Someone help me."
He just said, "You've just got to get out and do it."
"You just gotta get out."
He tried his hardest and he did really well in that department.
Got me out.
And once I was out
I was able to do my bit.
But it cost me such a lot
because I hadn't got the energy...
'cause I was being sick with my bulimia so much,
let alone, you know, the support for him or vice versa.
It is a great pleasure for me to come to Wales.
I look forward to returning many times in the future.
Thank you.
Never got any praise from Charles for it.
And I began to understand that was absolutely normal.
INTERVIEWER: When you fell down the stairs?
I threw myself down the stairs.
When we had William
we had to find a date in the diary that suited him and his polo.
William had to be induced because I couldn't handle
the press pressure any longer.
It was becoming unbearable.
It was as if everybody was monitoring every day for me.
And I was aware that the whole country was holding its breath.
INTERVIEWER: How good a dad was he with the children?
At the beginning he loved the nursery life.
He just couldn't wait to get back...
and do the bottle.
Came home, and then
postnatal depression hit me hard.
And it wasn't so much the baby that had produced it.
It was the baby that triggered off all else that was going on in my mind.
If Charles didn't come home when he said he was coming home,
I thought something dreadful happened to him.
Tears, panic, all the rest of it.
He didn't see the panic.
I would just sit there, quietly.
Boy, was I troubled.
Everybody always said when we were in the car,
"Oh, we're on the wrong side."
"We want to see her, we don't want to see him."
And that's all we could hear as we went down these crowds.
And, obviously, he wasn't used to that.
Nor was I.
He took it out on me. He was jealous.
I understood the jealousy,
but I couldn't explain that I didn't ask for it.
I kept saying, "Whoever you married would have been of interest..."
"...for the clothes, how she handles this, that, and the other."
"And you build the building block for your wife to stand on..."
"...to make her own building block."
He didn't see that at all.
I learned to be a Royal in one week.
I was thrown into the deep end, which now I prefer it that way.
And nobody ever helped me at all.
They'd be there to criticize but never be there to say, "Well done."
When we came back from our six-week tour
I was a different person.
I was more grown up, more mature.
But not anything like what one was going to go through
the process in the next four or five years.
Between William and Harry being born, it's total darkness.
I can't remember much, I've blotted it out.
It was such pain.
INTERVIEWER: Now, they then had all sorts of people for you to talk to.
Yes.
-Did you have any choice over it? -No.
Dr. Mitchell came in every evening at 6 o'clock
and I'd have to explain to him about my conversations
with my husband during the day.
And there weren't many conversations, it was more tears than anything else.
Because on the outside, people were saying
I was giving my husband a hard time.
But I knew that I was just...
needed rest and patience and time
to adapt to all the roles that were required of me overnight.
By then, there was immense jealousy
because every single day I was on the front of the newspapers.
Anyway, Harry appeared by miracle.
Charles and I, we were very, very close to each other
the six weeks before Harry was born.
The closest we've ever, ever been and ever will have been.
And then, as suddenly as Harry was born
it just went bang.
Our marriage.
The whole thing went down the drain.
I knew Harry was going to be a boy because I saw on the scan.
And Charles, all he wanted was a girl.
He wanted two children and he wanted a girl.
I knew Harry was a boy and I didn't tell him.
INTERVIEWER: Who chose the names?
Something inside of me closed off.
And by then I knew he'd gone back to his lady.
But somehow we managed to have Harry.
And Harry is a complete joy
and is actually closer to his father than perhaps William.
INTERVIEWER: And then there was an ITV film.
I was basically bribed to do that.
First of all...
American network was going to do it for Operation Raleigh
and they were going to raise some incredible amount of money
and I said I didn't want to do it.
And Charles said, "Okay, I'll do it."
They came back and said, "No, no, we want
both of you, or we don't want any of you."
So I said, "No." So they dropped Charles
and then ITN picked it up and said,
"If you wife does it with you..."
"...we will pay you such and such amount."
-So there was the bribe. -Into what?
Into the Charities Trusts.
They followed us around for 18 months.
Very strange.
INTERVIEWER: In what way was the Queen involved with doctors of your bulimia?
-None. -None at all?
-None at all. -Did she know about it at all?
She indicated to me that she thought
that was the reason why our marriage had gone downhill,
was because Charles was having such a difficult time with Diana's bulimia.
-Right. Did she indicate that to you? -Yes, she told me that.
She hung the coat on the hook, so to speak.
And it made me realize that they all saw that
as the cause of the marriage [problems]
not one of the symptoms of the marriage.
INTERVIEWER: Any wise heads during the whole thing that were helpful?
And it hadn't made any reaction whatsoever to him.
And she went for me, she said, "You mustn't let this side down..."
And I turned on her and I said, "Give me some credit..."
"...that I haven't troubled any of you in my family for five years about this."
And, obviously, their perception is very different now.
They're annoyed by the lack of support from him.
Then things got a bit tricky on the bulimia front.
My husband told me off.
He said I could have passed out quietly somewhere else.
INTERVIEWER: Was anyone helpful about the press generally?
No, they were all running around, they couldn't understand.
It was like a sort of Marilyn Monroe publicity, you know?
She only had to click a heel
and the whole world was at her feet. It was very odd.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
But I'm never comfortable in it.
Never ever.
I was absolutely mesmerized by the whole thing, couldn't believe it.
They all thought, "Oh, she's got lots of press, she must be doing all right."
But that summer
I sat myself down in Scotland.
I remember saying to myself, "Right, Diana, it's not good."
"You've got to change it right round, with this publicity."
I remember my conversation so well, sitting by water.
I always sit by water when contemplating.
"You've got to grow up."
"You've got to be responsible."
"You've got to understand that..."
"...you can't do what other 26 and 27-year-olds are doing."
"You've been chosen to this position..."
"...so you must adapt to it and stop fighting it."
And I knew I could do it
if I chose a different angle.
I'd always wanted to hug people in hospital beds
and this particular man was so ill,
so I thought, "Right, Diana, do it. C'mon, just do it."
So I gave him an enormous hug and it was just so touching
as he clung to me and he cried and
it was wonderful, it made him laugh.
One of the worst things to ever happen was when we went to Wales
after the flooding
and there'd been a tremendous amount of press about us being apart.
And I burst into tears when he got in the plane.
He said, "Oh, God, what's the matter?"
I said, "I've had a very bad time with the press."
Because they'd literally haunted me or hunted me.
And he said, "Well, if you were in your right place, none of this would happen."
Indicating that I should be up in Scotland.
It was a real cry for help.
I wasn't just blubbing because I'd just turned the taps on.
It was just desperation.
I said, "I choose to work, because that's my role in life."
INTERVIEWER: What do you think woke you up?
I think the bulimia, actually.
I suddenly realized what I was going to lose if I let go.
And was it worth it?
So, that's how I got involved with the...
shrink called Dr. Lipsedge.
Walked in, he said, "How many times have you tried to do yourself in?"
I thought, "I don't believe this question."
So, I heard myself say, "Four times."
I asked all these questions and I was able to be completely honest.
He said, "I'm going to come and see you once a week for an hour..."
"...and we're just going to talk it through."
He said, "There's nothing wrong with you."
And when he said that, a door opens.
I thought, "Well, maybe it's not me."
And he helped me get back my self-esteem.
Your hair looks nice.
Looks all right?
One of the bravest moments of my entire ten years
was when we went to this ghastly party.
It was the 40th birthday party for Camilla's sister
and nobody expected me to turn up,
but again, a voice inside me said, "Just go for the hell of it."
So, I psyched myself up something awful.
I decided that I wasn't going to kiss Camilla hello anymore.
I was going to shake hands with her.
This was my big step.
Well, he needled me the whole way down to Ham Common.
Trying to bait me.
"Why are you coming tonight?"
Needle, needle, needle, needle the whole way down.
I didn't bite, but I was very, very on edge.
I walk into house and...
stick my hand out to Camilla for the first time
and I think, "Phew, got over that."
We were all upstairs and I was chatting away
and I suddenly noticed there was no Camilla and no Charles upstairs.
So, this disturbs me.
So, I make my way to go downstairs for him.
I know what I'm going to confront myself with.
They try and stop me from going downstairs.
"Diana, don't go down there."
"I have to go and find my husband."
I go downstairs and there's a very happy little threesome going on downstairs.
Camilla, Charles, and some other man who I don't really know, chatting away.
So I thought, "Right, this is your moment."
So I went and sat down and joined in the conversation
as though we were best friends.
And I said, "Camilla, I'd love to have a word with you, if possible."
And she got really uncomfortable and put her head down
and said, "Oh, yes, fine."
I said to the two men, "Okay, boys..."
"...I'm just gonna have a quick word with Camilla..."
"...and I'll be up in a minute."
And they shot upstairs like chickens with no heads
and I could feel upstairs all hell breaking loose.
"What is she going to do?"
So, I said, "Camilla, would you like to sit down?"
So we sat down, and I was terrified of her.
And I said, "Camilla, I'd just like you to know..."
"...that I know exactly what's going on."
And she said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
And I said, "I know what's going on between you and Charles..."
"...and I just want you to know that."
And she said to me, very interesting, she said to me,
"You've got everything you've ever wanted."
"All the men in the world fall in love with you."
"You've got two beautiful children. What more would you want?"
And I didn't believe what she said anyway.
So I said, "I want my husband."
And she said, "Well." And she looked down the whole time.
I said to Camilla, "I'm sorry I'm in the way."
"I obviously am in the way...
"...and it must be hell for both of you."
"But I do know what is going on, don't treat me like an idiot."
In the car on the way back, my husband was over me like a bad rash.
I cried like I've never cried before.
It was anger, it was seven years of pent-up anger coming out.
I cried and cried and cried.
I didn't sleep that night.
And the next morning, I woke up and I felt different.
A shift, a tremendous shift.
I'd done something, said what I felt.
Still the old jealousy and the anger swilling around,
but it wasn't so deathly as it had been before.
And I said to him at the weekend three days later
I said, "Oh, darling, I'm sure you'll want to know..."
"what I said to Camilla."
"There's no secret, you may ask her."
"I just said I loved you..."
"...and there's nothing wrong in that."
INTERVIEWER: Think you might be interested...
Oh, nice.
Some quite interesting bits and pieces in there.
INTERVIEWER: Now, what's he got down here?
Questions, here we are.
What have been the turning moments in life
that turned you from victim to victor?
Wow, love the way he says that.
Gosh, can't remember what triggered it off.
I suppose last summer when Sam cut my hair differently,
it let out something quite different.
And when my bulimia finished two years ago
I suddenly felt so much stronger, mentally and physically
so I was able to...
soldier on.
FEBRUARY 11, 1992
Diana visits the Taj Mahal in India,
a landmark famous for being built as a grand romantic gesture.
Despite being in India for the trip, Charles declines to join Diana.
Within?
I am performing a duty as the Princess of Wales
as my time is allocated.
And if I go anywhere else, if I go somewhere else,
if life changes, it changes.
But at least when I finish my,
as I see it, my 12 or 15 years as Princess of Wales,
I don't see it as any longer, funny enough...
I know, when I turn my light off at night, I did my best.
I always knew I would never be the next Queen, put it that way.
And no one said that to me. I just knew it.
A very what, Your Royal Highness?
Healing experience.
In what way?
You work that out for yourself.
If I was able to write my own script
I would say that I would
hope my husband would go off
with his lady
and sort that out
and leave me and the children
to carry the Wales name
through to the time when William
ascends the throne.
And I'd be behind them all the way.
And I can do this job so much better on my own.
I don't feel trapped.
I see myself one day living abroad.
And you once said to me last August, you said to me,
"You're going to marry someone who is foreign."
"Or got a lot of foreign blood in them."
I thought it was always interesting, that.
COLTHURST: Are you optimistic about the future?
I have been positive about it for some time...
though obviously there's endless question marks.
Be quite nice to go and do things like a weekend in Paris.
I know one day, if I play the game of life
I will be able to have those things which I've always pined for.
And they'll be that much more special
because I'll be that much more older
and be able to appreciate them that much more.
I remember when I first arrived on the scene,
I always put my head down.
Now, from my point of view, I interpret it,
yes, it did look sulky.
Just so frightened of the attention I was getting.
Head down.
The bit I can remember is that I didn't want to do anything on my own.
I was too frightened.
I mean, the thought of meeting anyone on my own sent tremors.
So, I stuck with whatever Charles did.
And if it included a wife, I went with him all the way, wherever.
I was just so desperate.
I knew what was wrong with me...
but nobody else around me understood me.
I needed rest and to be looked after inside my house
and for people to understand the torment
and the anguish going on in my head.
Because I had a smile on my face,
everybody thought I was having a wonderful time.
That's why they chose to think
and they were happier thinking that.
Would you leave the format of the monarchy as it is now
or would you alter it for William?
I am altering it for him [William], but in a subtle way.
People aren't aware of it, but I am.
Through William learning what I do
and his father to a certain extent,
he has got an insight of what's coming his way.
He's not hidden upstairs with the governess.
COLTHURST: What would you say your greatest achievement has been?
To not bow down to pressure.
You know, not let all this chat disturb me.
It took me six years to get comfortable in this skin.
And now...
I'm ready to go... forward.
I had always this thing inside of me that I was going somewhere different.
Do you remember the moment you fell in love?
No... it was gradual.
It wasn't anything dramatic.
One blink and it would have gone, yes.