They say that starting a family is an act of optimism.
Well, Tom and I were clearly very, very, very optimistic.
Of course, there are always good times and difficult ones along the way.
And with 12 kids, you learn a lot of lessons.
But the one that you never get used to is that moment when you look your child in the eye..
...and find yourself having to say the most difficult word of all...
..Goodbye
All right, stay together.
There she is.
Sergio Archer.
Look, she's right there.
Robert Armstrong.
Peter Bailey.
Lorraine Baker.
- He's really gotten good. - Yeah.
Oh my gosh.. Kicking, kicking.
All right, all right. It is time to toast the graduate.
Lorraine,
we are all so proud of you,
for keeping your chin up and charging the mountain.
And for being a truly unique and wonderful person.
And for getting that internship at Allure magazine. Did you know about that?
Even though I'll be trying to convince you staying here is a better choice for your future
than moving to dirty, expensive, crime-ridden New York City, but here's to Lorraine.
OK. My daughter Nora and her husband Bud, you wanna say something?
And our future linebacker. We go. Let's go.
First of all, congratulations, Lorraine.
Bud and I hope that our baby will be as cool and accomplished as you.
And second of all, I don't mean to make this toast all about Bud and I,
- but we have some kind of big news. - You know about this?
I've just been offered the vice-presidency of a new advertising firm.
Hey! Congratulations. Yeah!
In Houston.
We're moving in September. Thank you.
Great. Wow.
- Does this mean we won't be uncles? - You'll be uncles no matter where we live.
Maybe they thought it was the best way to break it to us.
- Quite a surprise. - I'll say. Can I get a beer and a white wine?
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
- I feel like I'm losing two daughters now. - You're not losing us.
I hope you have help, 'cause with no family there and you being a first-time mom...
- You'll be at work all day... - I'm not gonna be at work all the time.
We're gonna be fine. And whatever house we get is gonna have a room reserved for you.
At least you're gonna stay for the touch football game.
- We can't. We have Lamaze. - This will help your breathing.
We're gonna see you soon.
You're driving, right?
- See you. - Bye, sweetheart. There you go, sir.
That's...
They seem so casual and cavalier.
Well, time for me to get my hands dirty.
You're working? What about the game? Rematch against the cousins.
I've got student loans to pay off, Dad.
- OK. See you. - Be safe, honey.
Did everybody forget touch football was a tradition here?
- Honey, you've got ten other kids to draft. - I forgot.
- You forgot? - Lorraine.
- Staying for the game? - No, didn't Mom tell you?
I'm spending the weekend at Beth's. I leave in five minutes. Love you.
Bye. Hey, guys. Ready for some touch?
- Mike and I are competing at the skate park. - I volunteered at the animal shelter.
Nigel, Kyle, football.
All right.
- I'm here, Coach. - You just made the varsity, little lady.
Come on. There you go. Go, go, go!
- I'll block for you. Here we go. Go! - Athletes!
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
Somehow I thought it'd get easier.
Ten minutes ago, they were all over us. Now they don't want to be seen with us in public.
- What's that doing here? - I bet Lorraine was looking through this.
That's sweet.
The cutest. Look at her.
She looks just like my mom.
A lot of memories.
Summers in Wisconsin.
Swimming. All of us camping out. Everyone together. Isn't that sweet?
That had to be the last time we were there. What was it? Three or four years ago?
- Look at Sarah. No teeth. - We were one tight unit back then.
Even if we never beat the Murtaughs for the Labor Day Cup.
Look at that. Jimmy Murtaugh - Mr Competitive.
He was so desperate to win, he would... he would win.
All the time. Even when we were kids, this guy was...
All right, honey. Let's not go there.
You know what? That's exactly what we should do.
Go back to the lake. The whole family on vacation, like we used to.
I could call Mike Romanow and see if the house is available.
It's a great idea, but the kids are in summer school and Nora's pregnant.
That's exactly why we should do it, Kate. We said it. Life's blazing by.
Let's go back to the lake one last time.
We did have such good times there, honey.
You and I had alone time, which was nice.
There's the proof.
- Hey, Gunner. - Hey, Gunner.
Let's call Mike Romanow, honey.
Ok Charlie, you're conferencing with all of us and Lorraine.
- Hi, Charlie. - Hey, guys. What's up?
- It's Lorraine. - We have a surprise.
We rented the big house up in Lake Winnetka.
- Winnetka? That's my middle name. - And Lake is mine.
And it's where we're gonna spend Labor Day, just like in the old days.
Dad, I'm gonna be very pregnant then.
Yeah.. and I'm gonna be apartment hunting in New York in August.
- I wanna hang out with my friends. - How come we're named after a house?
Good question. Your middle name is Winnetka and your middle name is Lake
- 'cause you were conceived there. - What does "conceived" mean?
- It means Mom and Dad... - Had a conversation that we'd discuss it later.
Kyle and me will go anyplace that has our name on it.
- Bingo! Come on. - Yeah. I love the lake. I'm in.
- I guess I can cancel a couple of gigs. - Bingo!
We agree to participate.
We'll bring the wakeboards and totally dominate.
- OK, we're in. - All right! And that leaves Lorraine.
- Come on. You'll have fun. - Come on, Lorraine. Just come.
All right, here's the deal. I'll go to the lake
if Dad stops nagging me about not going to New York.
Deal. That's a dozen. We're going to the lake.
- Who cut the cheese? - Gunner farted.
We'll drive up tomorrow or the next day.
- You missed. - I love you too. Bye.
Lorraine's got a line on a place. She and Charlie will come in a couple of days.
Couple of days? The whole point of the vacation is that the whole family is together.
Honey, relax.
All right. Remember this? Look at the lake. It looks fantastic.
- Does it look great or what? - Come on, kids.
All right. Slide out. Hurry up.
Everyone out. Come on. Let's check the place out.
- Look at it. - This is it?
- Remember this? - It looks smaller.
- And more disgusting. - Yeah. Why can't we rent that place?
Well, that place is new.
- This place is... - Older, but still nice.
Yeah. And that might have a water slide, but our place has...
There's stairs. They're fun.
So unload, camper dudes! Girls in the north bunk room, boys in the south.
- Bud and Nora in the loft. Come on! - Careful.
Hey, Bud, give the phone a rest. We're on vacation.
Hey. How did Mad Dog like the trip?
Maybe the baby's not gonna be a "Mad Dog," Tom.
But that's a classic linebacker name. OK, how about Dick Butkus McNulty?
- Maybe it's gonna be a girl, Dad. - Donna Butkus McNulty.
- We got all vacation to pick a name. - Someone's here.
- Mike Romanow. Good to see you. - Good to see you.
Everything OK? Shouldn't be too disorganized, only two renters this season.
- The lake's a lot more upscale. - Thank Jimmy Murtaugh. Remember him?
- Yeah. - He owns most of the lake now.
That's his place over there.
Well, good for Jimmy.
- Hey, remember Kate? - Hey, Mike. How are you?
- Good to see you. - Good to see you.
So what is if you don't feel like cooking, there's a clambake up at the club.
- You can come as my guests. - Guests?
Yeah. Club's private now. And renovated.
- Homeowners only. Put you on the list? - OK.
- What's going on? - Stop!
The Chiseler.
- Tell me those aren't my keys. - Get him outside, OK?
- I remember how to handle this guy. - I can't believe he's still alive.
- You know that thing? - Hey.
- Don't hurt him. - I got it. I got it.
It's a snap. Here you go. Hold still. Yeah.
Leave him alone!
Gunner! Stay! Stay, Gunner!
- Get him. - Gunner, stay!
Mom, watch out!
Don't light the fireworks.
- No explosives in the house! - Nigel! Kyle!
Gunner, come back.
- What was that beast? - The Chiseler?
A pack rat. Steals stuff and hides it.
- I'll get a trap in the morning. - A humane trap, right?
You know what? We got a fantastic first day going.
So let's clean up and unpack, 'cause we got a clambake to go to! Clambake!
- OK, here we go. What is all this stuff? - I'm going as fast as I can.
I should put more sugar in your diets, get you moving.
Oh my god...honey, you actually bought that shirt?
Every dad is entitled to one hideous shirt and one horrible sweater. It's part of the dad code.
- Mark, you're on fireworks detail. - OK.
- What's all that? - Nothing.
Seatbelts.
OK, kids. You know the rules.
I'm underdressed. I thought this was supposed to be a clambake.
Excuse me. I'll be right back.
- Hey, guys. So glad you could come. - Hi, Mike.
Good to see you. Listen. Kids, food's downstairs.
Mom, Dad, the bar is there. Have a great time.
- Best behavior. - Stick together. Keep an eye on them.
- Food. - See you later.
- Lloyd, how are you? - Good to see you, Jimmy.
There's Jimmy Murtaugh! Engage me in conversation.
- We are talking. - I know, but more intense so he won't come.
- Just hide your face. - Well, that's a little obvious.
- Tom! - Turn.
Oh..my goodness. Look what the wind blew in.
- Hey! - Jimmy!
- Tom. Look at you. - How are you?
Wow, you're looking good. A little wrinkled around the edges, but not bad for an old man.
- And you. - Kate.
Kate. Still looking very hot for a mother of 12.
- What brings you guys back to my lake? - Your lake? Your lake now?
Well, you know, I just have to buy Romanow's place and one or two other properties.
And then I can keep the riff-raff like you outta here.
I'm sorry, honey. Tom and Kate, this is Sarina, my new bride.
- Nice to meet you, Sarina. - Nice to meet you.
This is the parents of that family of pranksters I told you about.
Jimmy's always been jealous 'cause we have 12 kids and he has eight. A manhood thing.
Well, your 12 never beat my eight for the cup, now, did they, Tom?
- Well, no, they didn't. - Is that why you came back?
- Trying to knock my family off the wall? - No. We actually just came for a vacation.
- Come on. Buy me a drink. - Buy you a drink? Mr Lake?
Jake Baker? Eliot Murtaugh.
No way. Dude, it's Eliot Murtaugh.
Hey
- That's Mike. - Hey, Mike.
That's such a cool stick. Can you bang any tricks?
Yeah. Check it.
Awesome!
- I'll have clams, please. - Sorry, there's no clams.
We have some clam fritters.
So this clambake is clamless? Then why not just call it a buffet?
- You know.. sometimes I feel like a stranger on this planet. - I couldn't agree with you more.
So, Tom, I read you quit the head coaching gig at Illinois Poly. What was that all about?
It took up a lot of hours and I wanted to spend more time with the family.
- Kudos. - Thank you.
- That's my word for the day. - How fun. It's fun to have a word.
So, Katie, I guess with Tom at home changing diapers, you're tearing up the bestseller list.
I only had the one book, but I would love to...
Excuse me. Waiter. Another Scotch, por favor. Anybody else?
- I'm fine. - Hey, what about Charlie? Still playing ball?
No. He's living downtown and he's working in a garage
to pay tuition to the University of Chicago.
I did a guest spot on Monster Garage back when I was acting.
And I just love the whole engine-and-cars thing.
- So you're an actress. That's great. - Thank you, Tom.
- You're welcome, Sarina. - Kudos.
- How long have you two been married? - Six amazing months.
- Right, honey? - Happy anniversary.
There's Mike, Jake and Sarah. They compete in skating contests on a regular basis.
- See ya. - Hey! Sarah!
That's good. You gotta start with the small steps before you take the big ones.
- Mark Baker? - Kenny the maniac!
Well, if it isn't my partner in crime.
- You're gonna get in trouble, Murtaugh. - Only if I get caught, Baker.
Come here. I wanna show you something.
- Please don't get me in trouble like last time. - You worry too much.
And how are your kids?
I've got three at a private school for gifted children in Lake Forest.
Two at Andover, one at Exeter.
Calvin's at Yale finishing up a field study in particle physics. Generating a lot of interest.
Eliot was in Sports Illustrated. Just won the snowboarding junior nationals.
- Slope style. - Well, that was no surprise.
But I gotta say, Anne's still my superstar.
When she finishes her MBA at Harvard, she's gonna work for me at Murtaugh Enterprises.
Definitely corporate material.
Something reeks.
Get out of the way!
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
Look out. She's gonna blow!
Cool.
Listen, mister, accident or not, you'll be taking the garbage out, Cool.
Listen, mister, accident or not, you'll be taking the garbage out,
or something you don't wanna do, for 30 days.
So sit down, please. Everyone, quiet. For me.
Parenting comes down to one word - "push." If you don't push, they don't do anything.
- I think it's a little more complicated. - Is it?
"Most went through periods in their life when they worried about making car payments."
- Hey! Gotcha! - Yeah.
Nigel, leave Kyle's pants alone!
Look, no one was hurt. It's fine.
In fact, why don't you come over to The Boulders sometime?
- The Boulders? - Our cottage.
We would love to do that sometime...
Hey, kids, why don't you leave the fireworks at home? You're all welcome at our place anytime.
We've got Seadoos, lasers, wireless internet,
plasma screens, satellite TVs, all the toys and whistles.
You know what? Actually, we're here for quality time with the kids.
Come on, it's time to go. We've done enough damage here.
- So we'll probably see you on the lake. - Sure. Another time.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you too.
Good seeing you again, Tom. You too...
- Kate. - Kate.
Boy, you know, when we were kids, I used to be so envious of Tom Baker.
He just had it all.
Well, I guess the Gucci loafer's on the other foot now, isn't it?
- Everyone, straight to bed. - What a moron.
- Honey, he's our son. - Not Mark, he's a kid.
Murtaugh. "Seems like you could use the word 'push'."
Next time we see him, let's agree to ignore him.
- There's not gonna be a next time. - I don't know if the kids will agree.
You think that water slide could compete with the tire swing I'm gonna put up?
Rise and shine! Daylight's burning.
It is breakfast at the Bakers', day one!
Come on, sleepy heads.
Is there a particular reason that we're eating breakfast outside?
- 'Cause it's a beautiful day at Lake Winnetka. - It's vacation, sweetheart.
And there's the rest of the clan. Come on. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, look.
Hey! Welcome to the land o' plenty.
It still smells the same here. Like dead leaves, unwashed animals and murky lake water.
- It's called fresh air, sweetheart. - Watch the hat.
- Hey, you guys. - Come on, let's eat.
We're gonna need a forklift to get Lorraine's suitcase outta here.
What have I been here, 30 seconds, and you're already making fun of me?
Yeah, that was my foot.
- Is that suitcase just for make-up? - Whatever, Butch.
Big breakfast, everybody, so you have enough room for family activities.
- Family activities? - Appleschmear. Fishing for Big Daddy.
Hanging up the tire swing, the diving board.
- I'm boarding. - Kenneth has video games.
We were gonna use the Murtaughs' internet to research for the academic decathlon.
Precisely. We need the extra hours.
Well, you got all vacation to go over to that place.
We have all vacation to do the family activities too.
Sarah, what about you? You wanna hang out with Dad?
Mmm.. actually, I was gonna go boarding with Jake.
And Eliot.
Well, you know, I guess we could do lake stuff another day.
Here we go. Scones.
Henry. Jake. All right. Leave it there, the dog will get it.
Did you nail down an apartment?
I'm just waiting to hear. Did you nail down an apartment?
I'm just waiting to hear.
I'll bet you could get a place in Chicago for half the rent.
Dad, I thought we made a deal.
That dock needs work.
- Oh..where are you going? - The hardware store. I'll fix this place up.
- You got a crazy look. What are you getting? - Tools!
Honey.
OK. Do not stand up. Do you hear me?
Dad! Dad! Hello?
Dad!
Hey, kids. Tire swing ready!
Tire swing not ready.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey. Get bored over at the Murtaughs'?
No. We're going back after study time.
You guys are making time for your studies? I'm really proud of you.
Not us, Dad. Them.
Mr Murtaugh forces all of the kids to read and write two hours every day.
Lame. I know.
Who are these guys?
- What? - There's no way I'm camping out.
Yes, honey. You can do it one night for Daddy. Come on.
- This doesn't sit well with me. - I know what you mean.
Lorraine, are you serious? Is she kidding?
That's not gonna fit in your tent, Lorraine.
I'm gonna make it fit, Dad.
- Hey, come on. We're making s'mores. - I'll help you.
Actually, we're trying to eat only organic food.
- We're trying to eat only organic food. - Is that for the baby?
Come on. Baby'll love a s'more. Party in your tummy.
Cool. The Bakers are having a campout. Can I go over?
Why have a campout when you can have a full-on fondue party right here?
Sweet.
Charlie, you're worse than a kitten.
Babe, that's your fourth s'more.
My parents never let me have these. They're amazing.
Do you think we should be more strict with the kids?
No, honey. We give them love and guidance. What else is there, really?
Every time we turn around, they're in trouble, about to get into it,
or laying out a long-term plan to create it.
Dad, how come those guys know how to camp so good?
- Hey. Hey! What if we sing a camp song? - OK. Sounds good.
What do you say we give 'em a run for their money?
Come on. Stand up.
This guy is so competitive!
Boy, I love camping.
Yeah. This is fun.
- Good times. Good times. - Good times, yeah.
Hey, kids. Didn't you love blowing Murtaugh off the lake last night?
Kids?
Honey, they're all in the house.
- No. - Yeah.
Hello?
Happy?
They can't spend one night in the tent?
Hey, Tom.
Now, what does that show-off want?
What a day. Hey, Tom?
Boy, you have got this place looking...
Anyway, I see the troops are sleeping in.
Oh no..they're already up. They're out cutting wood and making biscuits
and blazing a new trail out back - nothing out of the ordinary.
Yeah. Really impressive. Listen, the missus and I are thinking of putting on a little spread.
Okay, since the kids are getting along so well,
why don't you and the gang come to The Boulders for brunch?
- Oh you know.. actually, we have to... - Cool, what time?
Mimosas at noon, on the dot.
Yeah!
Attagirl.
Take it away, honey.
Adios, amigo.
- Isn't he like the coolest dad ever? - Yeah. Cool.
Whoa, dude!
Awesome, dude.
Kids, you stay right here.
Welcome to The Boulders.
- Hey. Let's say hello. - Hi.
Hey. Thanks for having us. Where's the gift shop?
You brought your dog.
- Sorry. Just say "sit." - Down, Gunner.
Tom. Baker!
Somebody help.
- I'm fine. - They're called obedience schools, Baker!
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Tie Fido up for five minutes. - Honey, he's fine. Just let him play.
We don't want that animal near the dining set. It was a gift from the king of Thailand.
Mark, there's a leash in the car. Get it.
- Why don't we all go inside? - Good idea.
I'll be right back.
Sarah. You wanna go on the Seadoo with me and Jake before we eat?
Yeah. Sure.
Cool. Let's go.
Are you coming or not, dude?
Yeah.
Jimmy. Almost forgot.
Tom, for heaven's sake. You didn't have to do this.
- "Sparkling Cheesehead"? - Wisconsin's finest bubbly.
I'm sure it is. Might have to let this baby age about two, three hundred years, Tom.
Superstar, do me a favor. Take this to the cellar and bring a bottle of Taittinger.
- Sure. - I'll give you a hand.
- It's a fantastic place. - It's not much, but I call it a second home.
How come you guys haven't built your own house up here?
With 12 kids, you've gotta use the money for food and water.
I bet if Tom had kept that job at Illinois Poly he could have built a place like this.
Well, life's full of choices. Some good, some not so good.
Honey, why don't you take Kate and show her the dining set the king of Thailand gave us?
- OK, honey. - I'd love to look at the plates from a king.
- Don't get lost, honey. - Tom, I wanna show you something.
Feast your eyes on these honeys, Tom.
Albino ironwood, right out of the Peruvian rainforest.
You can still smell the jungle on 'em. Go ahead, take a whiff.
Come on. Rest your honker on the log and take a whiff.
- Smells like global warming. - That's moss. It's moss, Tom.
Well, this is the trophy room.
- Are those your kids? - Yeah. That's the Murtaugh victory reel.
- It's on a loop. - It's a good room.
I'll tell you why I love this room so much, Tom.
All the trophies, the ribbons, the prizes - past, present and future.
It's proof that children can be groomed
to reflect the best aspects of any given gene pool.
- You just have to keep them on a short leash. - I couldn't agree more.
My Anne's proof of that.
You're looking a lot more put together than you did a few years ago.
Thanks.
Remember your nose was too big, and that skin irritation on your hand?
It just kept working its way up your arm and into your neck...
I'm glad that it's gone, though. Looks good.
Well, if I remember correctly, you weren't so hot yourself.
That mutt could use a shorter leash too.
She's so cool.
Yeah, the kids and I spent a weekend putting that dock together.
Nothing like a little manual labor to keep you humble. Sit down, Tom.
So Jimmy has matching pants to that shirt?
Boy, this place wasn't put together overnight.
- Does Daddy know about your tattoo? - No.
- I'm sorry, Mom. - I'm so sorry.
It's OK. I'm fine.
- It's like spring break. Hope I win. - I've got a shirt you can borrow.
- A shirt? OK. - Mom, I...
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- If my dad finds out before I... - You'll get grounded?
Please, just don't say anything.
Nice hands.
- Hey, Sarah. - Hey, Dad.
You should see Mr Murtaugh's new Seadoo.
That's terrific. Now turn around and pretend to be looking at the view.
Why?
Turn around and pretend to be looking at the view.
Are you still in touch with your dark gifts?
Punking, practical jokes, soaking underwear and...
- Meat. - Yeah.
- Classic. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm in touch. Why? - I have a mission for you.
Who's the target?
Murtaugh.
I can help you. Hi.
- As long as I don't do time for the crime. - Hey, guys. Hi.
Done.
No grounding. No allowance dockage.
No spiel about the difference between right and wrong.
And you have no problem with the methods that I choose.
It's your contract, do with it what you will.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Hey, give Daddy a hug. Nail him.
Guys, guys. Guys! I have a mission for you.
- It's top-secret, and it's high-priority. - Yeah? What is it?
Come on. I'll show you.
- Positions. - Check.
Oh my gosh. It's a purple bigfoot.
- What are you talking about? - A purple bigfoot!
- A what? - I don't see anything.
Ha..ha..made you look, made you look.
- Made you look. - You are so stupid.
- Did I mention the dining set was a gift? - The king of Thailand. Yeah, you did.
- Give me that roll. - I see your kids can't wait to get started.
Well, that's just the way they are.
Hey, you guys. No eating until everyone's seated.
- Eyes up here, honey. - Doesn't she look hot?
Doesn't hold a candle to you, honey. Come on, let's sit down.
- Where have you been all my life? - All right.
- Tom, right over here. - Thank you.
Ignore the place card. Sit next to your wife.
Fine. Fine, if you want chaos. Right here, Tom.
Believe me, I don't mind.
Dad. Don't...
The seat cushion is soft.
- So, you two play tennis? - Yeah.
- You're in the meat seat. - What?
I knew that dog was gonna be trouble.
Sit!
My china.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
You don't know?
It's OK. It happens all the time.
It doesn't. I'm so sorry. I'm really embarrassed. Thank you for the lovely shirt.
I insist that you send me a bill for this.
Don't even think about it. What's a few thousand dollars here or there?
The main thing is you had a good time.
We'll talk about it later. I'll see you on the tennis court.
Bring your A game.
- Bye. - What was that?
- Nothing. - That was not nothing.
This was not nothing. That was something. All right. In the house.
I know. I'm a horrible father.
- Honey, you broke your promise. - What promise?
That you'd not get involved in this competitive thing.
It's just all so infantile.
- He tried to tell us how to raise the kids. - Meaning?
- He thinks the kids are... - Did he say it?
No, but you could tell that he implied that's what he thought, that the kids were...
That's right.
"I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-l-am."
Aren't you a little old for that book?
- She's reading to the baby. - Reading to the baby?
Unborn babies, they're comforted by the sound of their mother's voice.
- Just don't spoil my linebacker. - The baby's gonna be what it wants to be.
Just let us be the parents, OK, Dad? Come on, Bud. I'm hungry.
Yeah. Me too.
- Hi, Mr Baker. - Hi, Eliot. What's up?
- I was looking for Sarah. - You mean Jake?
Sarah and I and Calvin, we're going boarding this afternoon.
Well, she'll be back soon.
- OK. I'll just wait on the dock. - Wait, wait, wait.
Sit down.
What do you do for a living, Eliot?
- I'm in eighth grade. - Yeah. Right.
- And how's that going for you? - Fine.
- Are you on any teams? - Football, boarding and baseball.
All that focus on sports - that must impact your grades quite a bit.
No. Actually, you know, I'm an honors student.
- You play any instruments? - Drums.
You're probably in one of those punk bands, right?
Timpani. You know, school orchestra.
- Hey, Eliot. - See you, Mr Baker.
Later, dude... Dad.
Guys.
- What now? - Mind if I go waterboarding with you?
It's kneeboarding, and I'm pretty sure you can't do it.
If Jimmy can do it, I can. You must be Calvin.
- Nice to meet you. I just got back from Yale. - Congratulations.
I'll just squeeze in over here. There we go.
- Is everybody ready? - Yeah.
- Fun? - Yeah. Why don't you go first?
Guys, keep an eye on him, all right? You ready, Mr Baker?
OK, I'm...
- Sorry he interrogated you. - My dad would have done the same thing.
- Really? - You should come to my house sometime.
He's really easy and likes to keep low-key.
- Do you have a favorite subject? - Probably math.
Stop!
You'll do better next time, Mr Baker. It's OK.
- Are you sure he'll be OK? - Yeah, he'll be fine.
Dad! Are you OK?
It's all good.
Well... I'll go put on a little perfume.
Sarah, Eliot seems OK.
- I see why you like him. - Somebody's turning red.
Shut up!
Thanks a lot, Dad.
- What did I say? - Men can be so clueless.
Honey, men are clueless.
- I'll go talk to her. - Mom, let me do this, OK?
Trust me, I've got experience in the area of parental harassment.
Hey, I totally know how you feel.
How are you?
Dad can be pretty hands-on, in-your-face sometimes.
Just leave me alone.
A, I'm never trying to help her again.
And B, I cannot wait to move to New York.
- What are you doing here? - This is where I run. What are you doing?
- I like to get out of the house. - Take a break from the perfect daughter bit?
Hey, I'm not the only one who's putting on an act for Daddy around here.
You've hated the city since we were kids.
- Why go to school there? - Seemed like the right thing to do.
Did it seem like the right thing to do because your parents said it was the right thing to do?
No. My parents wanted me closer to home, that's why.
Are you gonna live at home forever?
I just gotta figure out my next move and do it.
How about you, superstar? What's the master plan?
Somehow I gotta tell my dad I'm not built for corporate life.
- Good luck. - So for now, I'm just gonna draw.
- What do you draw? - Stay still, Baker.
Whoa. Yeah, right. You're not drawing me, 'cause I'm gonna... Right here? Is this good?
- If I stay here? It might be better... - Stop smiling.
- Sarah, come on. Hurry up! - OK. OK.
- Has anybody seen my other tennis shoe? - No.
No, I haven't.
- Have you seen my other tennis shoe? - No. Chiseler!
You chiseling little...
Great.
- Hey, how are you doing? - Hey, guys.
- Good to see you. - Hi.
Nice shoes. Kidding. Let's warm up.
OK, let's do it.
- Come on, Murtaugh! - Got it.
I don't remember you out here when we were kids.
Dad didn't allow us to come out into the woods. OK, I'm done.
That's Charlie Baker figuring out his next move.
- You're good. - Tell my dad.
Maybe he'll let me transfer to Madison Art School.
- You wanna live up here and go to school? - This lake is my favorite place on the planet.
- Why? - I've always fantasized about moving here.
I don't know, maybe open up a garage or something.
- Looks like you figured out your next move. - I think you're right.
Wanna go for a walk or something?
- Is Charlie Baker asking me out on a date? - I'm not sure our fathers would approve.
Let's go.
Yours. Nice. Nice! This is mine.
- It's these shoes. - OK. All right.
A poor workman blames his tools, Tom.
- Just serve it. - This is payback for the china.
Come on. Give me your best, Jimmy, give me your best.
- I got it. - I got it.
- I got it, I got it, I got it. - I got it.
Mine.
- Got it. - I got it.
- Mine. - Whoa.
- It's turbo. - I'm in so much trouble. There's no way.
- Don't be a wimp. - I'm not a wimp.
- Come on. Get in. - OK, just one little cruise.
Come on, Baker. I'm getting old here.
Just be careful.
Whoa! Slow down!
Mr and Mrs Baker, excuse me. There's a call from security over at the gift shop.
- What's this about? - Just follow me.
Slow down! Stop!
Slow down!
We're willing to let it slide if you promise to keep your kids under control.
I really appreciate that. We'll take care of it.
- There you go. Thanks, Skippy. - Thank you, Mr Murtaugh.
Are you just gonna talk to her?
How I discipline my kids is none of your business.
You know, I've been trying to say this in a nice way, but...
Well, there's a reason your kids are screw-ups.
My kids screwed up. They are not screw-ups.
You're not strict enough. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, Tom,
but I guess if you knew that, your kids wouldn't be so undisciplined.
The only problem with my kids is they're hanging out with yours.
It wasn't my daughter who got caught stealing.
It wasn't my son who trashed a tennis court.
Do you actually think I'm screwing up my kids, Baker?
Yeah. And one day they're gonna crack.
Well, why don't we test that theory? On Labor Day.
Murtaughs versus Bakers. For the cup.
You're on.
We'll see you there.
Let's go.
Did you just agree to that competition thing and the cup?
Yeah.
OK, missy, let's go walk and talk.
Now, tell me what this is all about, because it's so not you.
- I was embarrassed. - Look at me, honey.
Embarrassed about what?
Make-up.
Honey, you know you can come to me any time with anything. You know that, right?
And I know why you wanted the make-up. It was for Eliot, right?
Yeah.
I'm just not pretty like Nora or Lorraine.
I thought maybe the make-up would help.
You're beautiful.
I want you to remember something else that's really important.
When you like a boy, never be anybody but yourself.
Eliot liked you without make-up, didn't he?
- Do you think he really likes me? - How could he not?
- No more felonies. Deal? - Deal.
Good.
- The Labor Day Cup's gonna be a bloodbath. - You got that right.
From now on, no seeing the Murtaughs, no talking to them, no thinking about them.
- Can't we compete and still see them? - No.
Right now, I am not a father. I am a coach.
And we're gonna be training twice a day, every day, starting outside in ten minutes.
Jumping jacks, jumping jacks. Good.
Lorraine, come on. Push-ups. One, two. Now back up to jumping jacks.
- Lorraine, come on. - OK.
And toss.
Toss.
- Toss. Toss. - Dad!
- Just toss. - Dad, lay off.
- Toss! - I'm tossing.
No crying.
- Step back. - That's it. I can't handle the pressure, Dad!
Eggs cost money.
OK, it's a three-legged race, but run as if you had two! On your mark, get set, go.
Go. Let's go.
- Your fault! - Hey!
Come on, come on, get in. Come on.
- Murtaugh! Murtaugh! Murtaugh! Murtaugh! - Dad! We're not Murtaughs!
Take a deep swing. Boom, just like that.
Give it a good one. Come on.
One more.
That's a zero.
I really love having a family dinner where all you can hear is forks hitting the plates.
You know, this could be our last chance together and you're totally ruining it.
I'm glad we're moving to Houston. And so is Iron Mike or Donna Baker Butkus McNulty.
Bulk up.
You're burning a hole in my face.
Tom.
You've gotta stop this whole training camp thing.
This is not some little fence-line squabble. This is an epic battle between two families.
No. No, no, honey. I think this is Tom versus Jimmy.
I'm sorry, General, but you're losing the respect of your troops.
That's dangerous. Give the kids some space.
Are you asking me to back out?
No, honey. It's just... Especially with Sarah. This is her first crush. Come on.
- What, with Eliot? - Yes.
She needs to know that we trust her.
She couldn't come to me and tell me she wanted to wear make-up.
Is that the kind of relationship you want her to have with us?
- Hey. How are you? - Hi.
Let's run.
Just leave it. They'll get somebody.
The kids drop stuff all the time and leave me.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- How do you manage 12 kids? - With great difficulty. Trust me.
Good, 'cause I have no idea what I'm doing.
You've got a lot of fruit. I'd get some of this refined sugar.
It's great for negotiating purposes or whatever.
Jimmy's gone overboard with this tough love thing.
The kids are miserable and he doesn't even see it.
He and Tom bring out the best in each other.
I'm actually getting a kick out of it. Very entertaining.
- And exhausting. - This is good.
If tonight's good, I'll ask my dad.
So hopefully tonight will work. OK. See you.
Not my little girl.
Hey, Dad.
Are you OK?
Yeah. I just need you to help me pace out 25 yards for the egg race,
starting here, OK? There you go.
- Yeah. - OK, go ahead.
- Hey, Dad, I was... - Those steps are too small.
- Those steps... - Can I go to the movies with Eliot tonight?
...are too big.
I guess so.
Sarah!
Sarah! Nora has to urinate, and a full bladder puts inordinate strain on the embryonic sac...
Kim! Thank you. We could just go with "hurry up."
Hurry up!
I need Lorraine.
You get Lorraine, I'll pee outside.
Hey. It's me.
How's it going?
Eliot asked me out, and I'm kind of new to the dating thing, so...
- Are you gonna make me beg? - I was thinking about it.
Come on.
Let's start with your make-up.
Lorraine...
- Thanks. - Don't worry about it.
- Pink? - Come on.
Can't we do, like, a skin color?
There you go. It looks good.
Hey, guys.
Guys. I need everybody's attention.
Sarah's about to come downstairs, and she's going on her date tonight.
She looks a little different, so I would really appreciate it
if you guys could give her the respect that you never gave me,
and not ridicule her style choices before she enters the world of multi-gender interaction.
So go about your little chores and act completely natural.
Lorraine.
I think you're going to do just fine in New York.
Thank you.
Hubba-hubba.
You look very pretty, honey. You always do.
Thank you.
Well, I'm going to the movies.
Well, sounds good. Need some money?
No. I have some from lawn mowing.
- Limo's here. - There's Mr Murtaugh.
Well, have fun, and I'll pick you up outside the theater at nine.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye, cutie.
I'll save a spot for you on the varsity.
Have fun.
- Cute, isn't she? - Yeah.
Seems like yesterday that was you, missy.
- You're not gonna start crying, are you, Dad? - I'm a football coach, remember?
- I like Henrietta. - You are not calling it Henrietta.
All right. What have we got to eat?
Can I go to the movies with Eliot?
Honey, do you want something to eat?
Tom, do you want something to eat?
No. You know what? Actually, I should go get Sarah.
It's 7:30. The movie just started.
I'm not going directly. I'm just gonna stop and get gas first.
There's bound to be traffic, 'cause it's Labor Day weekend.
- Sure there is. - I'll get going.
And I don't trust those fish clocks. They're notoriously slow.
I love you, sweetheart.
Thank you.
One, please.
What are you doing here?
If you must know, I'm here to make sure this movie is appropriate for our children.
It's rated G.
Sir, could you please sit down?
- What are you doing here so early? - Father of the daughter always arrives early.
- Everybody knows that. - Excuse me. Is there a problem here?
- He's harassing me. - He's guilty of overparenting.
If you two can't keep it down, I'm going to throw both of you out.
My God. Look at this.
What? He's stretching.
- He's doing "the move." - What move?
You're sitting in the theater, you fake a yawn...
Oh, boy, am I tired.
Hand comes over.
Then a little while later, head comes over, giving you extra reach here.
Mom, look at those two down there.
See what I mean?
Sweet Jesus.
- Warning number two. - He was showing me "the move."
Do you mind?
- You don't know "the move"? - No. I don't know "the move," OK?
And I wasn't a hormone-crazed Romeo when I was a kid. I had self-control.
- I had social sophistication, like my son. - Be quiet down there!
- Your son has hormones like every teenager. - Meaning what?
Meaning on the sophistication scale, he's one step above ape.
- Are you calling my son an ape? - He's an ape like every other male teenager.
- Take it back. - I'm not gonna take it back.
Take it...
Take it back.
- Were you gonna poke me? - No, I was not gonna poke you.
- You were gonna poke me. - Because you were asking for it.
If I'm asking for it, why don't you give it to me?
- You want a poke? - What's going on down there?
- Call that a poke? - I call that a practice.
- Give me your best poke. I want your best. - You're asking for it.
I do. Yeah.
Hey! Call somebody. Somebody help.
- Hey, honey, how did it go? - Dad was totally spying on me.
You ruined everything.
There's no way that I'm competing for you in that stupid cup tomorrow.
- I can't believe you did that. - Really, Dad, that is so Big Brother.
- Yeah, let's go. - Come on, Bud, let's put this baby to bed.
Not cool, Dad.
You and Jimmy aren't so different, Dad. Different styles, yeah, but same result.
Let's go, guys.
Honey.
Honey, we talked about this, didn't we?
The tighter you hang on, the more they're gonna pull away. Right?
I'll go talk to her.
Well, we're gonna go compete for the cup.
Couldn't get any more volunteers?
You gonna come and watch us kick some hiney?
Well, maybe I will, honey, when I get everybody fed.
I'm sorry.
- OK, guys. Come on, let's go. - Come on, Dad.
And I'm sorry too.
- Did Dad go? - Yep. With Kyle and Nigel.
Hey. The Chiseler's got my wallet.
- Check it out. - Must have an escape hatch.
- Look at all this stuff. - That's mine from, like, the '80s.
Careful. Careful.
Let me see that.
Look at this.
It's our old team flag.
We lost to the Murtaughs by two points.
Yeah, 'cause Mom fell in the sack race.
Daddy carried me all the way home. Fond memories.
You know your father. He wants to be a part of every single one of them.
That's why he's having such a hard time letting go.
But one thing - no matter what Daddy says, if he's in a good mood or a bad mood,
you're his favorite team, right?
And left. And right.
And left...
Bakers.
What gives, Tom? Couldn't rally your team?
It's all I've got, but it's enough to take you down, Murtaugh.
Are you kidding me? You'll be lucky to beat the Doobners.
- We'll see. Come on, guys. - We'll see.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 46th annual Lake Winnetka Labor Day Cup.
Now, we have seven families competing in ten events today.
The family winning the most events will win the cup. Simple enough.
So let's get to it, all right? Contestants, here we go.
OK, guys. Let's do this.
Hey, Dad. We're here.
Dad!
There's the team. There's the team.
You can't keep the varsity down.
And I promise never to go on a date with you and Eliot again.
Hey, Murtaugh!
This is our year! Hey, Murtaugh!
This is our year!
Let's see what you got, Tom.
- OK, Murtaughs. - Huddling.
I've been a jerk all week, but that's old news.
- Get loose. Don't let 'em intimidate you. - Yeah!
You each have a special talent. I want you to use it. - Get loose. Don't let 'em intimidate you. - Yeah!
You each have a special talent. I want you to use it.
I don't care if we win or lose. Just do your best.
OK. Hey, what are you doing? Stop with the nicey-nice.
Here's the game plan. We'll step on their throats and press until they stop breathing.
- Yeah! - Get focused and stay with the game plan.
- What would that be? - We don't have a game plan, but...
- Chin up. Charge the mountain! - Exactly! That's the game plan.
OK, break on three.
One, two, three.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, go. Come on, go. Go, go!
Yes! Yes!
Yeah, Mark! Come on.
Go! Go!
Charge it, charge it, charge it!
Good job.
OK. That's OK.
- Bull's-eye! - One for the Bakers!
Come on, Charlie.
- That's it. That's it. - Go! Go!
Go, superstar.
Yeah!
- Gotta be tough, Baker. Gotta be tough. - What is this?
Out.
- Here we go, Tom. - I'm OK, Murtaugh.
Look out.
Not your sport?
Go for a jog.
Come on. Keep up.
Reverse.
Couldn't have asked for a better day.
Look out!
Ouch.
Well, folks, for the first time since 1961, our Labor Day Cup has ended in a tie.
The Miller family will be taking third place.
And to determine second place and our champion,
the Bakers and the Murtaughs are going to have a canoe race
from here to the State Forest end of the park and back.
And all family members must participate.
Mike, I got a daughter who's due in a week. She can't do that.
Tom, maybe you can work something out with Jimmy here.
Looks like you're gonna have to forfeit, Tom.
Well...
She can't do it, so we're done.
And congratulations.
I'm going, Dad.
You just pissed off a severely hormonal pregnant woman.
Let's do this!
Nora?
- Are you sure? - I need a life jacket.
- Go, Bakers. - Come on, Murtaughs.
- Laurien, lose those shoes. They're fancy and new. - What? Yours are the same.
I'm a mom. I need the height. Take those off.
Mom. Mine tie my new outfit in together.
Stay on the north side of the lake. There's less wind.
- Thanks, Murtaugh. - You're welcome, Baker.
Let's go, superstar.
It's supposed to be fun.
- You ready? - Ready.
- On your marks. - Murtaugh!
- Get set. - Murtaugh!
Go, Bakers! Go, Bakers!
Come on, we'll catch up. Let's go.
We're gonna win this, Murtaughs!
Come on. Put some muscle in it, Bakers.
Stroke.
- Stroke. - Stroke.
Come on, superstar. Come on, Kenneth.
- Not this time, Murtaugh. - That's what you think.
Stroke, stroke.
I think we're taking on water.
It's me.
My God! My God! Nora's water just broke.
Jimmy!
- Row! Row! - Jimmy!
- Something's wrong, Jimmy. - He's trying to pull a fast one. Now, paddle.
- I don't believe it. - What if somebody's hurt?
Honey, we have a substantial lead. It's a trick.
- How can you be sure? - I don't wanna lose. Now, paddle. Stroke.
OK, everyone, calm down.
- If we cut through, the road's not far. - Can you get us there?
- Hello. Nature boy, remember? - Let's go.
- Sit tight. - Go faster.
- No, Bud. Stay with Nora. - Row.
Annie, what are you doing? What are you doing, superstar? Paddle.
I'm not a superstar, Dad.
I'm just a person who's trying to have her own life.
And this is not my idea of living. It's yours.
Like my tattoo?
- Annie, get back in this boat. - You'll have to win it without me too.
Eliot, don't you dare. Don't you...
- I'm outta here. - Kenneth!
- Not cool, Dad. - Becky, don't you...
- You've gotta lighten up. - Daniel!
- We like the Bakers. - Yeah, Dad.
Lisa! Robin!
OK, that's it. You know what? You kids are gonna be cut off if you don't, you know...
No more charge accounts. Think about that.
- What is wrong with you? - I want to win!
You don't get it, Sarina. It's not me. It's him. It's Tom.
He was always the popular one. He was the one everybody liked.
Everybody. All the girls. All the parents liked him.
- My own father even liked him better. - That was 18 years before I was born.
Get over it. Look, your kids are trying to tell you something.
And unless you wanna start looking for wife number four, you'd better listen.
Now, paddle.
- Watch out. - Are you sure you're OK?
- 50 cents says it's a girl. - I'll take that bet.
- I'm in. - Mom, Mom, Mom!
- I'm all right, I'm all right. - I got you, I got you!
That's OK. I got my hips to balance me. How are you feeling?
- Cramping a little. - OK, how often?
Just a couple of times so far.
- I think I'm going to be sick. - Pay attention to her!
Is she OK?
Yeah. She's delivering lakeside, but yeah. Did you swim all the way here?
- Baker, what's going on? - Nora's having her baby. We need a hospital.
- What can I do to help? - You can help with Nora.
- Mark's on point. Right? - I know the area really well.
Dad forced me to read topographical maps of this area, for no apparent reason.
Hey, that's my boy. Lead the way, Kenneth Murtaugh.
My dad has let me have almost every animal in the world,
which makes me an expert on scat trails.
- That's my boy. - Point us the right way, I'll find a scat trail.
- What's "scat"? - Animal poop.
Cool, we're following poop.
OK, I'm a little competitive.
- I know. - Go! Go!
- Come on, guys. This way. - There's a road up ahead.
Yeah. We did it!
Come on, guys, this way.
Come on. Hurry! Come on, hurry up!
I'll take it from here. I got it.
My daughter is about to deliver and I need to get her in.
I don't want her to feel any pain. I want the baby to be healthy. Get it? Good.
- If I could get you to fill out... - I wouldn't mess with her if I were you, OK?
Right.
- Wow. - She's having a baby.
Stay calm! Can we get a chair over here?!
- Get me in a wheelchair. - I need a wheelchair, stat!
Get the chair!
- My God. My God. - Good luck.
It must be this way.
That way. All right. Family only in the delivery room.
- Whoa, whoa! You're all family? - Yes.
- Help me out here. - I'm her mother.
- Of course. - Kate.
Do your thing.
- OK, come on. Let's go. - Tom, actually, we'd like Lorraine to come.
We want you to be the godmother.
Really?
Whoa! Having a baby here!
- We'll try to get you a linebacker, Tom. - Come on, everybody. Come on.
This is a hospital. You guys have to be quiet.
Tom.
You mind if we wait with you?
That'd be great.
They're good kids, Jimmy. All of 'em.
And you're saying we have nothing to do with it?
They're born hard-wired.
- Look what we found. - Check it out.
Hey. Just be sure and disinfect them.
It's a bedpan, Kenny. Take it off.
- So your kid gets my kid to wear a bedpan... - I didn't tell him to do it.
You look in the face of a six-month-old and that's the way they are.
You look like you have something to say.
I'm done with the city, Dad. I'm gonna open up my own garage and I'm moving up here.
And I wanna audit art classes at Madison.
- Pardon me? - Dad, I wanna be an artist.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
Jimmy.
Although it does sound pretty exciting.
- Sweetheart, is this what you really want? - I'm sure.
You know, Annie, I was just trying to be a good father.
I know.
- What do you think? - Sounds like you got your mind made up.
I do. You OK with that?
Yeah. I think I am.
Excuse me. Tom?
You wanna meet your grandson?
Yeah.
You did a good job, honey. Really good job.
That's a big boy. Too bad he wasn't there to help us win the cup.
He'll get a chance.
Mike Romanow gave me a deal.
Now we own the big house at the lake.
It'll be nice having you in the neighborhood, Bud.
You Murtaughs better start cranking out grandkids if you wanna compete.
You guys. My godchild is trying to snooze.
So, any ideas on names?
I think we're going to go with "Tom."
'Cause you taught us that there's no way to be a perfect parent,
but a million ways to be a really good one.
And you're about as good as they get.
Say hi to Grandpa.
Go on.
You're so beautiful.
Tom. Hey, Tom.
Welcome to family.
Letting go is the hardest thing you can do as a parent.
You have to settle with the past, engage in the present,
and believe in the future.
That vacation at Lake Winnetka reminded Tom and me
that we're always learning as parents, and that the bond is forever.
Even as the kids grow up and venture out on their own,
we'll always be with them and they'll always be with us.
Because life is a voyage that's homeward bound.
Is this my normal face?
Hi, Poo-poo. You want a treat?
Can I redo that?
What are we gonna do?
She'll never walk again, I'll tell you that.